We now have our male slave we have completed training him so we now have the time to find one more female slave. We are considering have some part time subs all genders welcome to apply. For the part time position reply and answer the following questions   1. What day(s) can you you serve?   2. Are you local to the DFW area? If not can you reguarly make the trip to serve us?   3. What skills could you bring to us for service?   4. What are your kinks? Masocists to the front of the line.   5. What are you expecting out of this? Since this is a part time mainly playtime arrangement do not be afraid to tell us what you hope to get out of it.        We wiil not have any type of sexual contact with part time subs sorry but we have two slaves and since they serve 24/7 that is the one advantage they have over part time subs.   We are not looking to micro manage a part time subs life away from our house. However, part time subs will be required to follow house rules during visits and will not be treated differently than slaves in this regard.    We do expect part time subs to be present when they say they will be here. Life happens so yes sometimes you may have to cancel but if it becomes a reguar thing you will be released.        We will begin the part time sessions in January but you should begin to apply now.   

I Wonder Who We Are... I often look at myself thru the eyes of my mind. Who do I **think** I am? Who do I want to be? Who am I? What am I? I wonder how many others take the time to self-reflect like this? I try to do this weekly.  Sometimes late at night as I bask in the quiet night’s arms I find my mind drifting to the day gone by. I replay the days events and scrutinize my actions at times.  TODAY, did I live my life to my best potential? The gift of life I was given is a treasure that we so often under value. It's easy to get caught up in the daily struggles that inflict us as we sometimes dredge thru the day thankful it's over.  Guilty! After all we are all human.  In a world filled with hate, selfishness, struggles and woes sometimes its all we can do not to scream. Allow a blood curling sound to exit our lungs, travel up our throats picking up momentum as it exits our lips with a shiver echoing thru the darkness to find no respite.  A primal sound that perhaps evolved from our primal ancestors to never develop or change in the millions of years gone by. Signaling our frustrations and every other imaginable negative energy that exists within us today. As we yearn to release it all allowing them to somehow be absorbed into the cosmos, never to return. A cry for help perhaps? Perhaps.  Perhaps it's just an evacuation of all that we resent exiting us hoping we can fill the vacancy with the positive. I like to think that's the case with me. But as I look around each day, looking for positive energy, from my fellow man I am left starving. Wanting to see more beauty I can absorb to act as my muse. Guiding me to be a better me as it motivates me to want to feed love back into the world.  But alas, it has become a daunting task. Disappointment abounds the empty caverns of my heart and mind. Have we become so shallow as a society that the only thing that now defines us is instant and momentary self gratification? Often at the expense of others. Is this what thousands of centuries of evolution has led us to? NAY I say! Not I today! Unable to find it readily at the hand of my two legged peers I turn to nature. I find myself being blindly led to the pasture where my four legged friends reside. I hear their whinnies as they see me approaching. Running towards me anxious to see me. Besides me walks my fury four legged best friend. My canine soul mate who has dedicated his life to unselfishly and unconditionally love me. To never leave me no matter what I do or how I treat him. He is bound for life to me. Arriving closer to the gate a thunderous echo of stampeding hooves envelopes the air. Filling my ears with its roar as it approaches closer. Standing on the lush green carpet of grass I am surrounded by these four legged majestic creatures that so easily could do me harm. My smaller companion eyeing them carefully under his protective gaze.  Wet nuzzles against my hands searching for treats. This action is common place here. All fighting for my attention as there are so many and I am only but one. The creative one among the group, finding no need to challenge the rest for the position of my hands. He quietly walks up behind me. I am made aware of his presence among the distraction as I feel rubbing against my back. His side turned head using my back as a scratching post to satisfy his itch?  No my friends that is not the self centered case of this half ton creature. He is saying, "Daddy I am here. I missed you. Where have you been?" He is most certainly not the alpha but nor is he the omega. He falls somewhere in between the alphabetically defining realm of personality letters.  Turning to let him know I acknowledge his presence with rubs I manage just a few. The other horses quickly pushing him away to look to my moving hands for what they desire. Treats and rewards to fill their already fat full bellies. Yet he stands alone a mere stones toss away watching. Reaching into my pockets I retrieve a handful of treats. Allowing the surrounding herd to acknowledge them with their keen sense of smell I toss them in the opposite direction of my inamorato who stands there with no desire to chase such petty treats. The rest of the herd now busy vying to retrieve the hand tossed delicacies he approaches me. I hold his head against me with love and affection. It is as much his fuel as it is my own. I turn to exit, followed at a respectable distance by my adoring and adored friend.  Holding it open signaling him the permission he seeks to exit the field and the others who physically resemble him. As the three of us stand there, me enjoying and soaking up the moment, I can't help but observe. Acknowledging and absorbing the actions that just took place.  My plotted journey observed and responded to. The actions and reactions as I entered. The easily manipulated distraction I created that all but one fell prey to.  His dedication to follow me outside his defined boundaries and the company of the others physically like him who have near matching DNA. His choice to leave the safety of his peers signals to me that he finds safety and comfort in my company. His trust in me that I always have and always will be his caregiver, his provider, his protector fills my now empty heart.  The many journeys we have traveled together since his birth are safely tucked away in my mind. Easily retrieved to reminisce upon when needed. As I stand there admiring this majestic creature of God before me my mind retrieves from the filing cabinet labeled with his name. Quickly sorting thru day 3 of his birth begins to play.  He is laying curled upon a stack of hay within a stall of the barn. His protective mother standing guard over him. Her ears pinned back warning anyone that intends to do him harm to stay away. Her eyes soften and ears relax as she recognizes me as the source of the sound. Carefully not to startle the sleeping foal I slowly approach. His mother content with who the human visitor is allows me safe passage.  I find myself first sitting next to him admiring his beauty. Astounded by the miracle of birth that he is. His soft breathing seen in the way the straw beneath his nose moves back and forth as he inhales and exhales so gently. Leaning in closer to touch him I look at his guardian looking down at me as if silently asking for her permission to get closer. When I see no warnings of alarm in her I move my hand gently running it across his neck.  His days old fur so soft I am jealous not to have something as comforting as this to sleep upon myself. He releases a soft sigh as if finding comfort in my loving strokes.  Now realizing that the submissive love his mother has given me extends to the trust of her new born, I inch closer. Soon I find myself laying along side his tiny body. Curled up next to him I drape an arm over him. Another soft sudden exhale of breath reaches my ears. Is he communicating his pleasure in feeling my warm body against? Is he capable of such a thought process? I lay there for what feels like hours pressed against him. Only to realize as he begins to finally stir that it’s only been 10 minutes by my watches time.   Emancipated from this world lost in head space I return the the physical by his movement.  He turns his head, in what seems to be, a search to find the source of his sighs. I softly look into his eyes hoping he can peer into my own and see the love and adoration I have for him. THAT moment etched in my mind forever more NEVER to be lost or forgotten.   Slowly he rises as if not to harm me and stands over my still prone form. I find my heart overflowing with love. If only I could find this form of love in my own breed. His mother content that no harm will befall him under my watch, complete and loyal trust bestowed upon me finds comfort in our bond to now lay down herself.  Obviously exhausted by the ritual of birth and having to provide  protection to her child. Her 1400 lb mass taking up much of the stall but careful not to invade my space. Suddenly I find myself lost in thought. Who do I think I am? Who do I want to be? Who am I? What am I? To THEM.  A brushing against my calf returns me to the world of today as the drawer filled memories are closed. In the universe of my mind I lost a momentary connection to this plane of existence.  My canine comrade standing now by my side waiting for direction. He looks at me then glances to the tack room and back at me. As if he is asking me, in the best way he knows, “Are we going for a ride?” my eyes look down at him as I rub his head. “Not today good boy. Today daddy just needed affirmation to who he is. My hearts full again. Thank you.” “Go get him and let’s go back in. Daddy has work to do.” Doing what he’s been taught to do under my caring tutelage he bounds off to bring back my blessed 4 legged gift. A simple double click from me, seeing his adopted brother heading his way, he knows its time to go back. With the look of a bowed head he walks to me as I rub his face and ears. I whisper in his ears, “Good boy.” As if content to hear these words he heads for the gate. Opening the gate I let him return to his pasture mates where he looks like just another horse. “Come on dog. Daddy has to go search for someone! “ he says as he turns to go back into the house. Because now I know who and what I am. I know what I was meant to be.

Ms. Cosmic, tell us how you really feel about the most recent election results... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8VZX4sHn-4 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35rHHEiNaIM https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-3BI9AspYc https://www.google.com/search?q=war+pigs+women&oq=war+pigs+women&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyBggAEEUYOTIICAEQABgWGB4yCAgCEAAYFhgeMggIAxAAGBYYHjINCAQQABiGAxiABBiKBTINCAUQABiGAxiABBiKBTINCAYQABiGAxiABBiKBTINCAcQABiGAxiABBiKBTIKCAgQABiABBiiBDIKCAkQABiABBiiBNIBCDU3ODhqMGo3qAIIsAIB&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:dddeac4f,vid:Vj4SJolBPt0,st:0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3SZu_KhWig https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vO1QyidBUPg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EWqTym2cQU https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbNekA18FgM https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgwQG3MYp3o https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1kEjj3Ej68 https://www.youtube.com/shorts/gv_K7G13sXo lol

You want a chase And I'll give you one baby Two can play this game I'll have you coming back  Make me scream your name in bed And afterwards I'll push you away Then I'll sing songs to you and dance for you But you mustn't touch I'll have you crawling back to mate But oh why should I cave in I'll tell you no  And smile as I walk away Want a chase I'll give you one Remember you put me on that pedestal  Now I'll have you begging you didn't Two can play the game giving a way for a chase I'll be your prey in this scene But can you catch me or will I get away?  Darling your making me dangerous like you Touch me and it will burn  Just like you did to me After all we dance in the flames The pain sounds like your name Now I have you begging me asking if you're going insane    

    11/07/2024    Take Notice    I will be unavailable until further notice.      The noted positions have not been filled ...    For those that meet preferences and follow direction       I may or may not be checking in periodically.   

Oiled up.  Shortly after I came to Texas I got oiled up before I scened.  I'd grab some Hawaiian Tropic or Banana Boat and take it to the dungeon with us. I did this suspended whipping scene once where I was oiled up before the scene.  This was a really nice dungeon in Oklahoma City.  Afterward, we went to the lounge area to chill for a bit.  "Why do you use the oil?" this femsub asked me. In the back of the room, this male dom said, "it makes it easier to take the whip!" WRONG. Haha. The oil is to make me look sexier!  My Domme loved to slowly massage oil all over my body while I was tied up. This was for her. We had to stop doing it because people started to complain about the smell. It didn't matter that we used bleach solution to wipe everything down. So we stopped. We were at one of our favorite dungeons doing a rack scene. They had a long wooden one with a roller on one end. So we're doing our thing and I'm lying there on my back all stretched out getting into sub space. My Domme pauses and steps away for a few seconds. I'm not wearing my contacts so I can't see anything but the ceiling. And I hear, "Yes that would be nice." Interrupting a scene in progress without permission is a big no no. You can get kicked out for that. But this was different. Next thing I know is I'm being oiled up while I'm stretched on the rack. If I wasn't in subspace before I'm surely going there now.  Here's what happened.  The dungeon owner, a tall slim 40ish brunette who works in law enforcement, saw us doing a rack scene. She owned that rack but nobody ever stretched someone on it.  Most used it like a bondage table. So when we used it she loved watching us play. So she was watching us that night and thought to herself, she (me) would look so much better if she was oiled up. So during our scene she waved at my domme and once she got her attention, told her that. She heard the story about why we stopped and she suggested a solution.  Mineral oil.  It's water soluable and has no smell. Problem solved.  So now when I do a scene, I'm getting oiled up. Whoever is topping me gets to rub warm oil all over my tits, belly, arms, legs and butt. I like it when its slow.  Shout out to that dungeon owner. Thank you. 

So since I'm starting to look again for someone to bring into my dynamic i've had a few questions and statements as to why I am the way I am. I have PTSD for a few reasons. 1 relates to this lifestyle we arranged a hotel meet when the Mrs was still alive. We met what we thought was one person in a hotel room. It turned out it was an ambush and 2 other men were hiding in the toilet. I was beaten unconcious and they took turns on the wife without lube or protection. Then when I was out and they had finished with her they went to work on me. I was left with internal bleeding, left for dead and issues with my backside shall we say. So if I'm asking for patience or seem to take a step back, it probably has nothing to do with you as I do have flashbacks every now and again. If we do arrange a meet it would be somewhere safe first and there will be safe words and someone around just making sure everything goes ok, they will leave when I feel comfortable. If it ever does go to a 24/7 or prolonged meets, you may notice I do wake up in night terrors, it is to do with the above. I'd ask until I fully wake up just let me come around naturally.

I'm sorry to my lover.I'm sorry I'm so unrefined;to leave all the things we hadbehind. No one has a smileFor a ship sinking a mile,Or a satellite gone astray.So I say.I sow sorries.Across these distances;I should have stayed in yourembraces, liberating me. I know you wantedto save me and hold me -wash my sins away.But I run away.So you say.No one can be our witness,No one can understand us.And when we misunderstandeach other we become pointless.I am not saying I know why.I am not sayingI can justify or rectify a goodbye.But I already miss you andthese sorries are bearing a cost.I am so lost without you,And feel my sorries are pointless, too.-dirtydarling

I recently sent this to a few people who DMed me: "Did you send this to me by mistake? It reads as though you are in the middle of a conversation with someone else."   As it turns out, people are referring to journal posts I have made days, weeks or even months in the past WITHOUT AN INTRODUCTION EXPLAINING WHY THEY ARE WRITING TO ME.    It does not take much to preface a message with, "I saw your most recent journal post here and I think ..." or "I was doing a deep dive into your journal here and I noticed ..."   I do not re-read my journal every time I log on. My DMs are not the comments section of my journal. Indeed, journal entries here are not like forum topics where the the context is already obvious.  So if you write me about something I posted to my journal and I have no idea what you are talking about, now you know why I sent you that type of reply.

"Profile Not Found"Just for future information, if you ever try to message me or look at my profile, and it says Profile Not Found, that just means the profile is awaiting approval, probably after some small edit or new picture upload. Theres no way to guess how long this will take, sometimes its a few minutes, sometimes days or weeks, its all an opaque black box, a faceless torment machine we all have to endureI'm very unhappy with this approval system collarspace uses, it is ancient, slow, and surely resource intensive. Maybe it works as an anti spam measure, but every other site out there solves this problem without such a systemThey could at least, after seeing a well written profile that engages with others, mark it as trusted so it doesnt need to go through approval in future. This whoe thing feels like a needless waste of everyone's time and resources :(   On a related note, today i spoke with a user whose profile was not found, even while he was still messaging me. Given that you cant message while awaiting approval, something else must have been causing this, but both of us were clueless as to what. Any ideas what it could mean?

5 Traits Dominants Are Looking For In a Submissive YMMV: It's important to note that all relationships and personal preferences vary greatly among individuals. However, here are five qualities most Dominants are looking for in a D/s relationship: Trustworthiness: Dominant individuals often value trust as a fundamental aspect of their relationship. They seek a submissive partner who is reliable, honest, and can be trusted to communicate openly and honestly about their desires, needs, and boundaries. Respect and obedience: Dominant individuals typically look for a submissive partner who respaspects their authority and is willing to obey their instructions within the agreed-upon boundaries of the relationship. This involves a mutual understanding and clear communication about limits and consent. Subservience: Dominant individuals may desire a submissive partner who enjoys fulfilling their needs and desires, and who derives pleasure from serving and pleasing them. This can manifest in various ways, such as performing acts of service, physical or emotional intimacy, or engaging in specific power dynamics. Communication and responsiveness: Dominant individuals value a submissive partner who is attentive and responsive to their guidance and instructions. They may appreciate a partner who actively communicates their thoughts, feelings, and desires, allowing for a better understanding of each other's needs and preferences. Vulnerability and surrender: Dominant individuals often seek a partner who is willing to surrender control and be vulnerable within the established boundaries of their dynamic. This can involve the submissive partner relinquishing decision-making authority to the dominant and finding pleasure or fulfillment in their submission. Finally, it's worth mentioning that any relationship involving dominance and submission should always be consensual, built on trust, and characterized by clear communication. Both partners should have a mutual understanding of boundaries, desires, and consent, and should prioritize each other's emotional and physical well-being. Consent and respect should always be the foundation of any healthy relationship dynamic. "Now you know, and knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero.  

Ok so I don't know but I have this vision in my mind of me serving  a strong woman she has silver hair and loves and expects me to be at my best and in my  dreams I do  in them I begin my day at the foot of her bed awakening before her to be able to prepare for her i wash and shower make her coffee begin her breakfast make sure everything is clean and straighten up before she wakes up I draw a bath make her toast and kneel at the side of the bed and slowly kiss her feet and up her body this normally wakes up her happy and refreshed but today seems different she simply lays on her back and says I have to pee I'm not used to this but I'm prepared I grab a towel climb on the bed between  her legs put the towel under me just in case and attach  my mouth to her she releases herself very slowly allowing me to breathe and swallow it's quite sour being her first of the day but I know from experience that this is what she wants and my best course of action is to drink her clean her and allow her to go back to sleep as I'm thinking this I notice the stream has stopped and she's pushing my head , she quietly  says clean me  and I run an fetch a warm washcloth I wipe her and she rolls over and says I'm still tired and would like to sleep turn off the shower and coffee and go do the laundry be back here at 8am and wake me up by massaging and kissing my back I expect the laundry to be done and I would like oatmeal instead of toast now I have my task and an hour to complete them    this is normally when I wake up with a raging hardon and I gotta admit I always feel a  little dirty like is there something wrong with me for wanting this type of relationship?       it's October and the submissve inside of me wants to be allowed out to play i do a pretty good job at surp them have for a few years now  But can I tell you how bad I yearn to be slapped smacked and spit on i really really love to be used and abused and honestly it's been too long 

I've been thinking a lot lately about the American Dream. Growing up, I wanted what I assume most middle class people wanted. It never occured to me that there was something else to want. You get married. You buy a nice house with a garage and a dog, have a few kids, keep your yard neat, and work 9 to 5 basically forever.  It's not what I want these days. I love my house, but I don't need it like I used to. All of the things are suddenly just things. Well yes, okay, I have intense feelings for some of my clothes. Mostly though, I think I could take my dog and drive away. Shouldn't I want this more? Want more more?  I'm at a crossroads in my career, in that I don't want to be doing this anymore, but I don't know what it is I want to be doing. I am not independently wealthy and I never did nab that husband, so a job it is. I would like to work remotely so I can hang out with my dog, or work somewhere she is welcome. I'm not sure what's out there and what will pay the bills. Part of me wants to sell everything and move somewhere to lead a less compicated life. I'm not sure I'm at the point where that would be enough. Then again, I weeded and put down mulch the other day. Who is this person? 

so i must tell everyone i have found a wonderful Mistress.  She is stern, focused, reasonable, and a great trainer.  since i have been with Mistress, she and her assistant have seen me naked more time than i could hope for.  Mistress has done all of the following to me, each one is the first time the person has ever experienced this:  anal play with plugs, masterbating (2X) in front of Mistress and her assistant while assistant beat my balls and cock, trying on female outfits with wig, hose, apron, shoes, etc.  but the one thing Mistress did which i was not ready for, but the envelope was pushed, and i complied, was SUCKING ON A REAL COCK.  what an experience.  i enjoyed it as my Mistress was my teacher.  having Mistress see my me bob up and down, taking that massive cock in my mouth, kissing his ball sac, and fondling his balls while sucking.  he did not cum, which was too bad, but my Mistress will find anotheri am sure of it. so submissives, if you want a Mistress which will respect and train you come to my Mistress.  she is for real but you need to be also.

Scared off the Dom that It was presently Under consideration too.A Civvie that he didnt keep it confidence and discussed things about it without checking with it first Especially about it Military deployments and active duty.He went to a friend as a sounding board he trusted that person told him that he should run away as fast as he can because of what it has been involved with and committed too on its old life. How fucked up it is mentally and physically because of wars deploying and willingness to sacrificing its life for the greater good to make a difference.He told his friend that It works as a Prostitute to survive after another Dom it sacrificed its careers for to be totally focused on him and later he was found out to be a closet serial killer.And all the medical treatments and surgerys ahead of it. He turned out to be a frightened little rabbit that breaching it trust was the betrayal was so big he knew It couldn't forgive him.

This happened to me some years ago now but still remains in my memory as one of the my most embarrassing but exciting experiences. I was staying with my BF at his house for a couple of weeks. He only lived a short drive from the sea and we occasionally went for a walk on the beach. One day he announced that he thought that because of my behavior I was in need of a spanking which is something, I might add, that he did to me almost on a daily basis, and he decided we were going for a beach walk and he was going to give me a public spanking. Well, he had never done that before, I always got spanked in private usually in the bedroom or the lounge room and I was a bit dubious and rather nervous about it and what the public reaction might be and I said so. He just said well that’s tough girl that’s what’s going to happen to you and I knew there was no arguing with him, his word was law in his house (and out of it). I pouted at him a little and tried to argue further but of course it made no difference, in fact it probably made it worse for me. I was dressed in a summery, flowery mini dress, it was summertime, that flared from under my bust and only just covered my bum. Underneath I only had on my bra and panties, with my beach walking sandals on my feet. He was wearing cargo shorts and a tee shirt and to my alarm was carrying a cane in his hand as we went out the door. I said you’re not taking that with you are you! He just told me to shut up and get in the car. I did so, still pouting, which was about the only sort of defiance I could hope to get away with without risking getting a slap. I put on my seat belt and sat in nervous silence staring at my bare legs as he drove us to the beach. My mind was in a bit of a turmoil as I thought about what he said he was going to do to me but I did begin to find it curiously exciting and arousing even thinking about which panties I was wearing if they were going to be seen. Ok, out you get he said to me as we parked in the beachside carpark. He emerged from the car carrying the cane quite openly. I was quietly amused and aroused at his confidence and audacity as he walked down the sandy track to the beach proper, cane in one hand and towing me along behind him with the other. The sky was a clear bright blue with a few fluffy little clouds scudding across it. I now felt very nervously alive and excited at the thought of what was to come. The surf was crashing noisily onto the beach and the cool breeze blew through my hair and lifted up my dress forcing me to do a Marylyn Munroe seven year itch sort of pose to keep it down. To my relief the beach was not all that crowded, just a few people scattered around but there was a roadwork gang working on the road that ran alongside the beach and I could feel those guys already taking an interest in me with my attempts to keep my dress in place. We walked up the beach past the road work crew and the beach sunbathers to a rocky area at one end which was some distance from anybody else but definitely not completely out of sight. He sat on a conveniently placed large rock and I petitely sat down in the sand next to him and shading my eyes with my hand looked out to sea where a fishing boat was underway bobbing up and down in the swell. We sat like that in silence for a little while then he turned to me and in a rather soft sexy voice started to admonish me for what he called my lack of respect and disobedience over the last couple of days and how I needed to be taught a lesson, spare the rod and spoil the girl sort of stuff. I squirmed around a little as I listened to him knowing that he was right I had not been obeying him as instantly as I should have been doing, even occasionally arguing with him and that I did deserve what I was about to get. I looked across the beach towards the fairly distant beachgoers we had passed and then to the work gang on the road, also fairly distant from us now, but nobody seemed to be taking any notice of us. He took hold of my shoulder length blonde hair at the back of my neck then slowly but deliberately forced my head back until I was staring at that vivid blue sky. Automatically I twisted my head to try to get away from him but this just made him firm up his grip on my hair until it hurt and I stopped resisting him. Still using my hair to control me he pulled me across his knees and held me there. My flared dress was so short that it was already up round my waist. I felt his hand caress my bum through my satin panties and his fingers went down between my legs. I was already a teeny bit aroused by all this and by his power and confidence in what he was doing and it was now all I could do to prevent myself from squealing out loud. I just sighed instead. Then he started to spank me. He had large powerful hands and it always hurt. Each smack across my bum sent pain shooting through me making me g. I kept my hands in front of me, palms on the sand sort of balancing myself over his knees, I knew better than to try and protect my bottom with my hands. Then he hooked his thumb into the waistband of my panties and pulled them down until they were stretched tight across my mid thighs and continued spanking my now naked bum. He had pulled me across his knees facing away from the distant beachgoers and work gang but still in sight of them and I remember hoping that someone didn’t think that I was being assaulted and call the police, the last thing I wanted to face as we got back to the car would be a couple of grinning cops waiting for us and having to explain

The Constant submissive   A submissive isn't only submissive in the presence of its Owner. A submissive isn't only pleasing by request or demand. A submissive doesn't light up only when The Dominants gaze brushes its skin.  A submissive doesn't feel safe only when melting into its Dominants web. A submissive is Owned always. The Dominant safeguards it in Their thoughts at all times. The Dominant is the encouragement behind its success. The Dominant is the wanton desire that flames its skin. The Dominant is the rock and warm embrace that keeps it safe. That whisper in its ear that makes it smile.  That secret memory that makes it blush. A submissive isn't submissive only in the presence of its Owner - maybe because The Dominant never really leave the subs side.

As for presenting herself for a full inspection or examination there are a couple of ways this can be done. She has undergone inspections in the past as most Doms like to fully inspect her at the beginning of their ownership.Her present Dom carried out a full examination of her not so long ago.Normally I clear the sitting room table.I have a duvet which fits the table perfectly and a pillow making it comfortable for her to lay on for a long period.I dont know how long you take to conduct such an inspection but I know by experience they can take over an hour to completeShe is then placed on the table with her arms secured above her head. A chain attached from the top table legs to the cuffs on her wrists keep her secure.The same for her legs although I normally use a leg spreader for her feet so she is then firmly secured in a spread eagle position.A small cable around her knees attached to the lower table legs assure her legs are kept wide apart throughout the inspection.This allows full access to her open vagina.Inspections or examinations can be very erotic for the inspector although can be humiliating for her.It is certainly humiliating for me, the husband having his wife inspected in such a manor. Sometimes the husband is allowed to stay and assist other times the husband is sent out of the room so the examination can be carried out in private..Please let me know your preference.Normally the head is examined first, the hair ears and mouth. Her last examiner inserted three fingers in her mouth and made her suck on them for a few minutes to test the power of her suck.Then of course the neck and arms and underarms which is free from hair as it is removed regularly.Moving on down to her breasts and nipples. no piercings or tattoos, her stomach which you will find is flat. then her quite long slim legs and thighs and of course her vagina which is very attractive as well as being soft and smooth. On inserting you fingers you will find her vagina is very tight despite being well used and she becomes very wet very easily. Masturbating her with your fingers for just a few minutes will get her extremely wet.There is a speculum available if you want to look deep inside her.She can be untied and on her knees for an anal inspection.She can of course be inspected in the standing up position if preferred.Again please let me know your preference.

Covid. Yep. Add me to the tally. I actually feel like I'm on the mend so I was shocked when I tested positive this morning. 8 days until Christmas. This might just give me a quiet Christmas at home, and really, isn't that the best present? No family drama! I'm on board with that. I mean, I'll see what my doctor says, but I'd rather not jeopardize anyone's health just to open some presents, and that's really saying something because I love presents. And if I can't smell or taste anything I'm going to live on spinach smoothies because why not? I already miss the scent of my dog, if you can believe it. She doesn't smell like dog. Or it's her own unique spin on dog. I miss it. She's been hovering more than usual, like a little four legged nurse. I even woke in the night to find her gently licking my side. Such a sweet girl. Can people pass covid to dogs? Don't tell me. I don't want to know. Except now I'm Googling.  Okay, it's rare, but possible. And I should avoid contact with her. Very unlikely. And she shouldn't sleep in my bed. Not happening. And I shouldn't snuggle her. Out of my control. I hope she's okay. It's too late for me. Save my dog. 

Minoan culture celebrated the potential of the woman, and their schools were designed to identify, encourage and refine that potential. Most of the girls who went into one of the training schools came from either trading, such as via markets or auctions, or from nominations by families wishing to see their daughters learn what were considered highly desirable and profitable skills. Families paid hefty fees if their daughter was accepted by a school as at the completion of training the girl would almost always return home. This is why at each induction of girls, nominated girls were much outnumbered by those who came through trade. It is a mistake to believe that Minoan training schools were in competition with other as there is telling evidence that they acted more as a collective, each specialising in certain areas that other schools either only touched lightly upon or avoided altogether. However, each school did possess their own unique means of attaining girls, be it through deals with ship owners who plied between specific regions, or army leaders who could give access to spoils of conflict, and even those who ran work houses, orphanages or debt collections. Sources were many and varied, and every school had their own means of attaining stock. Thus, there are frescoes and murals depicting what can be mistaked for typical slave auctions or the like. More likely, these were gatherings of representatives from each school, all looking for the best candidates for their yearly inductions. Think of it as a modern day draft between teams looking to fill certain roles and discover certain talents. Many qualities, from physical appearance to spoken languages, from prior education and learned skills to physical and mental health. The two roles within a given school were roughly equivalent to workers such as cooks, cleaners etc through to the students themselves.  The name given to a student is roughly equivalent to candidate.   Questions?

There's always a debate on what a sissy is. I found this diion and it's pretty accurate for me:   I think you are more suited to being kept as a submissive fetish sissy. When most people talk about a shemale they mean a girl who has a cock - a girl who uses her cock... A frilly fetish sissy is something else entirely. A fetish sissy is not even allowed to have a cock - we call it her clitty and we treat it like a clitty - keeping it in locked chastity. The more needy (horny) a fetish sissy gets, the more she becomes controlled by her clitty and quite quickly she finds herself doing utterly humiliating things to please her superiors without so much as a whimper - in fact, she often begs for more of the same. She is overwelmed with the desire to suck cocks or be bent over to be butt fucked to obtain her erotic pleasure. To become a submisive creature that wants men to subjugate her and use her to satisfy all their sexual desires and perversions. Using her and sissifying her as a sexual toy for their pleasure and orgasmic release. Her oral and anal slut holes just cock receptacles to be filled with hot cum. A sissy sexslave as it were, obediently doing everything she is told no matter how humiliating it might be. Her desire for utter and total submission and humiliation compels her to obey without question. If you google shemale, youll be directed to sites of TS girls fucking males. If you google sissy, youll find frilly little creatures, often dressed in extremely fetish feminine attire getting fucked by a strap-on cock or a real mans cock. Often the sissy is on her knees submissively sucking a mans cock like a good sissy cumslut. I think you are the latter. I think you are a submissive fetish sissyslut. I think what you need is to have every trace of male left in you removed until you are hopelessly feminine in the most exaggerated ways possible. Totally transed into a hot sexy slave bitch, then dressed, displayed and used as one. Your clitty needs to be locked away and the only way you would be allowed to find orgasmic relief is by being penetrated with stiff hungry cock or a dildo. Your libido and lust turned inward, your slutty desires only satisfied by phallic anal insertion or a mouth full of hard cock. Soon you will find your hips wantonly grinding up to meet your penetrator to attain your orgasmic femme sissy relief. Soon you will crave the company of dominant horny males seeking to use you as a cock slut for their pleasure and perversions. Now picture yourself like that - deliriously horny - tightly corsetted, locked in a chastity belt with large butt plug stretching your rosebud and filling your bottom, dressed in frills, garters, nylons, panties, petticoats, short revealing skirts, fetish leather or rubber, open ass hobble skirts, locked in the steepest stiletto high heels or ballet boots, ribbons, satin, latex and lace, often humiliated even in public. Often kept in some form of restrictive bondage, your will or choice to resist your male suitors completely removed. Forced to submit to horny men orally and anally on a regular basis, transed into a willing and wanton cocksucking cumslut sissy Does that sound like you? Yes it most certainly does.  

One thing I see over and over again here, and on every other social media site are CD's looking for a "Daddy" or a Mistress to transform them. Realistically, no one is going to take you in, clothe you, feed you and pay for your transformation, especially in this day and age.  You are going to have to work your ass off and do it yourself.  Strive to hone your makeup shills and make youself pretty and desirable. The fantasy of being transformed and kept as a sex"slave" with no responsibilities other than being available for use is a wonderful one, but just that, a fantasy. Try starting off with a  skill set that might set you off from the crowd, even if it is only domestic service. There is so much more to being a service maid than teetering around in 6 inch heels and dusting. My requirements are even more demanding. But the rewards can be great as well.

What I am looking for Part 2: Apparently it wouldn't all fit in 1 journal entry....go figure...   My masocistic side is weird. I am not a masochist in the every day sense that I crave pain all the time or that it gets me off. It fucking hurts. However, pain for me is a means of catharsis and for me to be able to process emotion as I have a terrible habit of just bottling it up instead of expressing it in the moment. The pain allows me to release all of that. My masochistic side is also very largely dependent upon the energy between my partner and me. I can take more and play heavier if the energy is right, compared to if it is not, then I may choose to not even play with them. This wouldn't be so much of an issue as I would not enter a relationship with someone who intended to play with me if the energy was not right for this to occur. That also being said, I have a few play partners in FL that I adore and trust more than anything. Whomever would be considering owning me would have to be okay with this fact and open to me being able to play with others. Obviously introductions would happen, but these are people I know I have a great energy transfer with and I have known for years. The same as I would be open to my partner playing with others, I would hope to garner the same respect as he would be more than welcome to be present if he was not comfortable with me playing alone. I do want someone I am slightly afraid of that I know could hurt me/kill me if they chose to, but who has enough knowledge and restraint to not. I find knowing that the person I am with can inflict pain in punishment in a meaningful way, I am less likely to get out of line.   I love to travel and have a huge gypsy soul and feel wanderlust almost constantly. I would need to be with someone who is open to travelling and taking road trips. I love cruises and just going to new places and doing touristy things.   Lastly, I do have a slight brat/baby girl side. The baby girl side is more when I am just completely content in a relationship and is my more 'squirrel' and giggly/giddy side. I do like watching Disney movies and I like being cute and sappy and doing romantic things. I enjoy theme parks and will want to walk in every candy/toy/souvenier store there is, even if I don't buy anything in any of them. I love to be silly and just be able to relax completely about my Sir. If I am serious all the time, there is probably something wrong or I am not comfortable/happy. This should be noted, but I do expect this person to be not only my Sir, but also my lover and life partner. I do want love/passion/romance in the relationship.   Did you make it this far? Great! Now, bare in mind that this is not EVERYTHING, but is I feel a really good starting point for someone to understand why what I am looking for is so difficult to find. Do I know that I am likely to not find a person who fits into all of this? Yes, but that doesn't mean I am going to lower my standards to find someone who fits only a couple of the categories. They are all equally important to me, so I refuse to pick and choose which ones are met.   I will update this and elaborate more on things as I think about them, but hopefully this can give at least a semblance of an idea.

Fantasy wish fulfillment for discerning kinky ladies.Introducing some of my BDSM/LARP roleplay characters! These are from the gripping, sexy, horny, fetish narratives I spin, (e.g., whisper in your ear) that you may actually find arousing and be more than willing to feature in!   Sir Max Master "Master of the Darkly Amusing, Holistic Therapy Centre for errant, idle or bored Gothic (and other deserving, kinky, sub, deviant, vampire or otherwise naughty..) girls & young ladies"... (You will be straightened out!) DdYbadcock ...self explanatory really! You will know if you want him! UncleFcker ...similar to the one above but you are the naughty, compliant or somewhat dim, fuckable niece, this time! Yes Sir! No Sir! ...a discipline officer who could be in a military or 'bad-girls' prison scenario! Pretty much anything could happen!  Colonel Kunst This is a .mil detention and interrogation scene, you will be given a 'secret' to keep, then abused, interrogated, searched, tortured and generally given a rotten time etc. You have to hold out and not give the secret away for at least 24 hours. No safe word, but if you spill the beans you lose and its all over for you! Prof Humbert the Art Tutor This is a character I developed for art students, you will have to keep working into it!... Dark Lord ..your guru, spiritual guide and mentor for, 'nude mindfulness meditation,' sessions! This will help you develop compassion, help stress reduction, promote inner calmness, even possibly be jizzed on! ..the science behind it is irrefutably convincing!  Pervy School Teacher Max Max will take you for your reading out loud, religious and other remedial classes! Discipline could be of the traditional kind but more up to date versions are available! You will have to ask permission to go to the loo and may have to get changed for p.t. or swimming in front of him! Endless fun possibilities in this one! Mr Cokewold This will be good fun for the wife or female partner! The cuck of the house will be suitably handcuffed to a radiator or at the foot of the bed or wherever. I daresay that he will probably have fun being subjected to this terrible ordeal of watching... need I say more... (For pedants, cokewold is the original olde englishe term for, you guessed it!...) Mr Bit_on_the_side Self explanatory for the neglected Mrs or female partner currently suffering from an unfulfilling partnership who misses that occasional fling that can involve i.e., CP or more involved fetishy activities including those of a horizontal nature!   A Pirate Ship's Captain Captain Hardcock runs his pirate ship with a grip of iron, ..much like he likes around his ever hard dick! You are Miss Prostitute the willing Captain's Cabin slave-boy/girl (it can be an androgynous role) and you are there to see to all of his needs! You will need to make sure that the Captain has his heavy cock and balls milked and sucked when he wakes and at regular intervals through the day. you will need lube for all the bumming that may cum with this one! Master (..that's Massa to you!..) Stonewall 'everhardon' Jackson As Master of the local sugar plantation for the global Del Monte corporation and thanks to the Helms Amendment to the Fugitive Slave Act (and a recent Supreme Court decision under President Trump himself!) you, a runaway ethnic, colored slave, have been delivered to me for remedial education and correction.... (...this one is specially for special colored ladies of a submissive, african american, other coloured, ethnic, raceplay and slave liking orientation!)  Mr Arm-Candy More of a service than a fetish; this one is for ladies who need a gentleman to escort them to anything from conventional functions & nights out, to the more louche and depraved milieu of fetish clubs and parties! Animal Magic* This is a fun one I did with an animal loving gothic ex once and I have since found out its a common roleplay fantasy with women and girls! Basically you like four legged friends and have a fantasy that you would like your lover to pretend to be a k9, alsation, big dog, aardvark, pony whatever and you want to pet and entice him into mounting and fucking you in a doggy or other animal way! Woof Woof! That's fine with me!  Reverse Animal magic* ...yes I do petplay as well and you can be my pet, puppy, kitten, aardvark, pony etc ..we will have such fun! (*Special animal penis dildoes optional in these!)   Some otherswill just pop up subject to our chemistry! ...that could be intriguing! Interested? Just write to your preferred character above, today!  MadderMax is endorsed by BDSM Test Result!  == Results from bdsmtest.org id=2351389==  98% Voyeur 97% Daddy/Mommy 97% Degrader 95% Rigger 94% Experimentalist 92% Ageplayer 91% Owner 90% Dominant 89% Brat tamer 88% Primal (Hunter) 88% Exhibitionist 87% Master/Mistress 86% Sadist 76% Non-monogamist 18% Vanilla 17% Girl/Boy 15% Switch 6% Primal (Prey) 6% Brat 6% Masochist 4% Pet 3% Degradee 3% Rope bunny 2% Submissive 0% Slave    ..thats all for now!   

What can we get from this chapter of the bible symbolically?    Edom: Kingdom of Esau (carnal mind/flesh) Jacob: Tribe of Judah (spiritual mindset)   Well we can see throughout scripture that the Edomites were disregarding the spiritual things and had a carnal mind. They took things by force and lacked patience for cultivation and growth. They were prideful and they held grudges and were hateful.  God pronounced judgement on them for their pride and for them not letting Israel pass through safely. He said because they say who can bring me down that He would bring them down and have them despised.    Edom stood by when strangers took captivity of Jacob's army. Edom was a brother to Jacob who is in the Tribe of Judah. Yet Edom acted like the strangers which took Jacob's army into captivity. Do not gloat, rejoice, speak arrogantly, or stand at a crossroads to slaughter the escapees when the Tribe of Judah is attacked because the day of the Lord against all the nations is near. The way you treat others will come back on your own head. There will be no survivors of the house of Esau and the house of Jacob will become a fire to set the stubble ablaze and consume Edom. The kingship will be the Lord's. The ones who care about their spiritual health and have a relationship with the Lord will be safe but those who continue in the flesh will be wiped away. There is more to life than fleshly desires and carnal things.    Those who are in Zion and left over in Jerusalem will be called holy. The survivors whom the Lord calls. Zion can refer to the "pure in heart". Jerusalem means city of peace and holy. Jerusalem is also used as a symbol for the redeemed state of humanity and also signifies a place of deep religious connections, divine presence, and the pursuit of peace.    Get in Jesus while you can and remember to be loving towards everyone. Don't be fleshly carrying out the desires of the flesh. Have a spiritual appetite for the spiritual things. And remember don't gloat or rejoice in someone's downfall. Love your enemies it's commanded and judge not. Be encouraging with one another lifting each other back up. If you love Jesus you will observe his commands and he will love you back. Faith without works is dead. Come on!! It's time to wake up from our slumber and cultivate a relationship with Jesus. He's coming back and coming soon. Will you be fo und ready? 

And yet another lovely entry on another lovely day...    I never thought that a pretty blue dress could look so good… Watching the sweat bead up on your back, you become a slippery mess that requires extra sturdiness. With the hem of your pretty dress bunched up into my palms, I let the lubed glass piece that is strapped around my body slide into you. Gripping the fabric tighter, securing my stance due to the hold your walls have on my glass, I slip in so slowly I can feel the vibration of the whimpering. Letting one side of your dress fall, my fingers dig into the fold of your hip, guiding the glass in and out as slowly as ticks sound behind us. Every time the clock ticks, another inch finds it way deeper, until I’m buried in your hole. Then every time the clock ticks while the glass has vanished in you, an inch is taken away.  Listening to the pleads of being used, I watch you salivate with fire behind those dark hues. You’re fighting the need to slide back into me, knowing that it will result in a sexless rest of the week. The fight that you are having with yourself is enough distraction you’ve caused yourself. Releasing your skin, my fingers find that sweet spot of your lovely area - freshly hairless. Rubbing you into a slobberfest, the glass slides into you again, quicker this time. The time clicks away, my fingers that hold your oh so pretty dress grip your hair as well, turning your head sideways to watch me fuck you. I see the begging in your eyes, the unvoiced pleads of need for fireworks. Just as I feel you squeeze my piece, damn near in place, my fingers find the front of you again, gently sending you over the edge with kisses down your spine.  I hold you in place against me - stabilizing you until you’ve come down. The murmurs of how well you did for me, letting you squirm and twitch with your happy ending.    But should I keep going? Continuing to please you until you just don’t have it in you to continue?

I want a dominate woman to take me under her wing. To feminize and transform me into a full woman. I mean learn how to sit, walk, talk, think,...... everything. But to also transform me physically as well. Hormones, body contouring, breast implants, FFS and finally SRS.To transform me into a woman so much that no one would know that I was EVER a male.

Not Looking At All!                                                                                                                                                Just Friends                                                                                                                                                      Please Respect

6/15 Mum is doing okay, not terrific.  Sleep therapy is going so so and My nights are interrupted, though the Dr. seems pleased.  After a day of good sleep, Mum seems more alert, mindful and able to complete more simple tasks.  I'm convinced that she has had sleep apnea for the better part of 30 years.  For the past 20 years, I've discovered a severe lack of follow through by her medical team and I would love to find an attorney who wants to spend the next 10 years on a medical suit.  I've got the proof of medical negligence and am following the proper steps to making legal changes to law regarding diagnosis.  Sleep tests should be standard exams given every 5 years for NO reason at all except to make sure we dont' have a bunch of zombies walking around after 65. Dementia is on the rise and much has to do with sleep deprivation and a lack of restorative sleep.  Note:  If you are not sleeping 6 hours or more, better get a sleep test cause you may not feel it now, but later on you will feel nothing but CONFUSION.  Also,  looks like gingivitis is another contriubuting factor which can come into play for Alzheimer's disease. We, Mum and I, are navigating as usual.  I'm very stressed, and tired, and learning how to manage through different therapies and self care.  She is lovely as usual, most times.  Life has a way of moving forward and together we strive. * On the sub/slave front -  we have had successes and oh so many hearty disappontments, so much dropped communication.  For some reason, most men seem to have a hard time realizing if they are not here, I have little time to spend in communication with them over the phone.  Oh well.  The ones who stay the course, WIN - We win. Again, I've tightened up the reigns on My searches: Phone chat through Microsoft Teams or Google Chat, at night, pre-arranged day/weeks in advance. I'm seeking those who wish to be part of a ds family, permanently with a woman who is HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD.  We start at ground zero and build from there, regardless of where you are starting from.     I'm not abusive or a fantasist.  I am also not going to force you into doing anything for Me and Mine. Anyone serving Me is doing so because they want what I have and what I offer.  This means you OFFER yourself up to Me and beg to be of service and to be utilized as I see fit.   As for what I am looking for:  people who carry health insurance.  lol  No locking you away on My property indefinately unless I get security clearance and immunity from a higher authority.  I mean it.  Don't come to Me looking for prison.  You stay because you know I have what you need and you help to PROTECT ME.  Period. Slavery is not legal here and My livlihood is on the line.  All these fantasists who claim, "I'm a real slave or want to be, eating from a bowl on the floor, naked, shackled, beaten for the slightest offense". BE GONE!  I don't have time or desire for your bullshit.  We might have a night or two of , let's play doggy, but the rest of the time, I want PEOPLE, who want to be of REAL VALUE TO ME. Be real, be genuine, be sincere and be looking for a life time of service where each of us continues to explore and develop our respective roles and responsibilities. As a dominant woman, I am always on the lookout for like minds to share this journey.  I appreciate honesty to a fault, manners, and kindness.   Hello to all and best wishes.

For those of you that may want to , but can't really move, I'll say what you probably have heard many times. FIND SOMONE LOCAL.  On the other hand I could use someone remote to help develop a website with lifestyle merch for sale that I have designed myself.  Mainly clothing .  I know I can do 2 things one is get someone else to build it from a place like fivver .  No problem but the  subject  is kind of sensitive so I'm not sure about getting someone else to do it that is outside the lifestyle.  The other thing is to do it myself as I have done sites myself before.  But it's time consuming and I spend most My time designing and marketing.  However I  would rather find someone in the lifestyle to do it even if it means I pay someone .   The other thing I  am looking for is for someone to seriously get me started in crypto.  Not just a statement like " go to this site and sign up" .  I know there is a lot more  to it .  There are courses and some follow crypto gurus to immulate what they do .   I know this is maybe something I'm just putting out there on a limb but if I don't put it out there then it won't be known I'm also looking for that as well as getting someone here fulltime. 

Someone asked me the other day why I love my dog so much. I am a nurturer by nature, it's just what I do. But that's not the only reason. Dogs are not dogs, they are people, and she is my family. She is the family that is separate from my terrible family. She is the family that is happy to see me every time she looks at me. Every single time. Comes over for kisses and snuggles. Wants to be close to me. Puts her paws on me if I'm not giving her enough attention. She sleeps in my lap, I'm not kidding. If I move during the night she gets up and repositions herself between my legs. She loves me unequivocally. I don't feel like I hold much value for my family. And because I don't trust them with my feelings I don't get to let my guard down and be soft. But to my dog, I'm happiness. I give her all of the love and hugs and kisses and belly rubs and snuggles that she lets me. I feel like I matter. She is my heart and I will choose her over my terrible family every day of the week. She's lying next to me now, turned away from the light of the screen. I know as soon as I get into bed she will walk over my leg and settle, anchoring me. 

Don't give up my first journal. Hi I'm mistress muse and I am dominant to my wolf.  If there is one thing that being on the scene has taught me, it would be to never give up. I spent so long in fruitless vanilla relationships that although, true, filled with love and all the nice things that people claim to experience in these things it also carried with it a weight. It was like a brick in my chest, a wrong feeling, an alone feeling, a dark hopeless feeling, a sinking if you will. Which in a way was true I was drowning I was drowning in self doubt I was drowning in a sea of misunderstandings and depravity. The love I craved seemed so taboo it almost seemed impossible to obtain. I may have been looking in the wrong places but even kinky people I've known for years on the scene would often look baffled if I piped up some of my perversions. I then met someone I had known in a completely vanilla setting... So vanilla in fact even he hadn't really noticed me before... a friend who knew of his kinks thought we would be quite suited. Looking back now I find it amusing that both him and I scoffed at the idea but Kinky curiosity got the better of us. There was this feeling everytime we spoke... A feeling of understanding... A good feeling... A weightless feeling soon combined with a feeling of want. I wanted this man... I was fucking getting him. On the scene for years he has been known as z3ro (zero) but ladies gents and pets let me tell you this he is anything but a zero so from the very beginning I have refused to use this name for him. He became my Wølf, my alpha bitch, my sub, my friend, my mirror and my PARTNER. I have used this term quite freely in the past but with him it's different. He is my partner in crime he is my play partner he is my intellectual chewing gum. He turns my head and the way my brain works. I never thought it was possible to find someone to just get me and be able to match my sadistic evil streak. To find someone on the same interlectual level as me. For me to find someone just as twisted as me. For this I am grateful and this is why my wisdom(me) for the day is this.... JUST DON'T GIVE UP

Finally re-dyed my hair for the first time in six months.  Made a mess of it, all over me, but the colors are better than i could have hoped for.   Unfortunately it did not help my mental state at all, which was what i was most hoping for.  But at least now i can get my new driver's license and have pretty colored hairs in my picture. Daddy has been so patienct with my mental state, or lack thereof, and i need to find a way to make it up to Him.  How he deals with me i will never know, but i am beyond thankful. This week also started our doctor appointments...hopefully we are able to start the disability process for Him quickly so that we have a dual income again.  And i know He hates not being able to contribute financially due to His health.  The doctor told Him that although He is only 41, He has to consider Himself 75 physically, and that is a tough pill to swallow.   For me i'm sure they will try and give me medications again, and i'll accept it for my blood pressue as it is beyonf sky-high but other than that i prefer not to take anything....i would rather allow my body to heal itself....even if it is really bad at doing so...

Tonight, as I sit alone in my room, the whirr of the fan above, and the muted hum of nightlife outside, I'm overwhelmed with a cocktail of emotions. They say time is the best healer, but some memories are etched so deep that time only accentuates their imprint. Today's breeze had the playful quality of that one evening, that daring venture that James and I took together. He always had this unique ability to surprise me. Just when I thought I knew all his tricks, he would come up with something unprecedented. I still remember his mischievous grin when he handed me that beautiful burgundy saree. "Wear this for our date tonight," he said, with a glint in his eye that I'd come to recognize. It meant there was a twist to this tale. And oh, was there! Wrapping the saree around myself, feeling its soft touch glide over my skin, knowing I wore nothing beneath, was an experience in itself. The chill of the metal waist chain against my bare skin, every step I took accentuating the lack of fabric underneath, it was exhilarating. As we walked through the garden, the tendrils of the evening breeze would occasionally threaten to expose my little secret. Each gust made my heart skip a beat, the thrill of possibly being caught, the sheer audacity of it, and James's approving glances only added to the excitement. Though it was all in good fun, it revealed a lot about our relationship. James always pushed me to embrace my desires, however unconventional they might be. With every playful dare, every challenge, he taught me that sensuality wasn't just about touch or sight. It was about feeling, anticipation, the dance of the mind with desire, and most importantly, trust. Trust in him, trust in us, and trust in myself. In the heart and among the bustling streets and the vibrant nightlife, we found our little pockets of intimacy. Some may see it as scandalous, but to me, it was a testament to our bond. We didn't need to be confined to the four walls of our bedroom to feel close. It was these spontaneous moments that made our relationship feel alive. Today, surrounded by the memories of our shared past, the saree folded neatly in my closet seems more than just fabric. It's a reminder. A reminder of our passion, our adventurous spirit, and the love that transcended norms. Though James isn't here in person, his essence lingers in these memories, keeping the embers of our love glowing.

 NYCDom4polysubs