Sydisa

I want to thank those who have reached out. I appreciate you. 

If I haven't answered your message, most likely it's because you used limited words, such as "Hi, how are you?" or something equally short. I don't consider this a conversation or reason to start a more extended conversation with you. 

The other reason I've either not responded or sent you my well wishes regarding your search is where you are located. I am clear that I am looking for someone local. I expect to meet with you face-to-face at a local munch (to me) and in person. (Face-to-face and in-person are the keywords.) This isn't easy if you are not local to the Bay Area.  Service to me cannot be attended to if you are not local. 

If you want to meet with me, you must travel to the Bay Area, have a place to stay and transport yourself at your own expense. You should plan on attending a local munch I attend. 

I'm not going to meet privately with you, and I'm not going to call you. 

Finding the Dominant you want. 

There are a lot of submissives looking for a Dominant. Your initial interaction can make or break if you move forward. 

1. Figure out what you are looking for. Then, look for someone who fits that vision. 
1. A loving relationship?
2. A scene occasionally? 
3. Do you want someone who does precisely what you want?  
4. Are you basing your need off porn and fantasy? Think about this one.
5. Don't look for perfect because you might pass up someone who can grow to be your "perfect" person in all the right ways.
6. Don't be blind to imperfections; you might miss out. 
7. Get to know the real person you are talking to. 
8. Don't hold the person to your porn fantasy?  No one will meet the fantasy built up in a realistic relationship. 

Great advice, I read this morning.

"The best advice I can give any submissive man is do not look for a domme; look for a person." 

Build the relationship after getting to know the person in a vanilla way. You might be surprised how much more fulfilling the relationship will be. 

Be the amazing, intelligent person you are, and let yourself shine while getting to know her. 

This is my comment on a post by another Domme. I quote statements in her post and then comment. It has a lot to do with my previous journal post on Finding a Domme. 

Your points -

"Let’s be clear—finding a Domme for a genuine FLR, a 24/7 dynamic, isn’t just hard; it’s incredibly rare. You’re not after a casual fling. You’re seeking a deep, powerful connection that most people can only dream about."

"You can keep chasing a fantasy, or you can face reality. The Domme you seek is out there, but finding Her demands effort, investment, and a willingness to reconsider what you’re willing to give." Investment does not have to be money. Think of everything else you have to give, invest time, emotion, etc, in her. Payment might be in triplicate in ways you cannot imagine.

"A relationship with a Domme is no different. It requires investment—your time, energy, and resources. If you want to serve a powerful woman, be prepared to give." - Giving as in sweat equity. Be willing to do the work, and put your whole self into what you want at your core. I can't speak for all, but I would bet that in a loving relationship, she will pour sweat equity into you. It will look different from the D side, but you will feel it.

The comments in the original post and discussions are interesting. They highlight differences in understanding what a lifestyle relationship looks like, interpretations, expectations, and desires.  

A lot of communication needs to happen for a lifestyle relationship built to last.

My thoughts on training a submissive. 

Why should I give my time to train someone who should at least have basic life training? He or she should be intelligent enough to listen while getting to know the person he or she is talking to.

You should talk to each other and get to know the person.  Ask questions, and clarify what is being said. This is a get-to-know-you period without a dynamic, rules, or protocols.  I get that there are people out there who do not want to do this, then question if this is a dynamic you want to be in.

Will I teach someone to be an adult? No. Will I guide them when we decide to move forward in a dynamic? Yes.  Will I expect him to do some basic research and ask questions? Absolutely. He should strive to learn the fundamental positions even though I do not use many of them, learn to serve food and drinks in high protocol, learn basic chores, how to clean a bathroom well, what not to flush down the toilet (this is an important one), and what products to use while cleaning. Learn to cook simple basics, eggs, toast, avocado toast, make biscuits (think old school home-economic classes), do laundry, sort it, which clothes don't go in the dryer and what does, what clothes need to be ironed.  Have you thought about taking some cooking classes? Massage therapy classes but not pass the test to cut back on cost?  Have you considered taking a bartending class for those who might like a cocktail? You might shine at a party with this skill. Learn to pour or pair wines. Embellishments in water are simple to do when meeting her. Make sure of any allergies; you would not want to put fruit in the water if she's allergic.

Get my drift? Show some initiative. She may not want some or all of these or other things, but you are prepared just in case. The fact that you learned how to do things shows you in a good light. PS: All of this can be used by you while you find your person.

There are so many ways to impress Dominants. But asking us to put out a lot of energy training for you is not the way. The question to ask is: How can I make your life easier? 

How many ways or hints did I give you to try? Answer: A LOT.  

In hindsight, this is not for everyone. What you put into providing makes the difference.

I am a lifestyle Dominant seeking a submissive who has a submissive service heart in a Dommesentric relationship. There is a difference that quickly becomes evident in your profile and messages. 

The intent of the submissive makes the difference in how their submission is received. 

   In order to be considered submissive, the action must have intent by the submissive and be received as submission by me.  What is the intent of the offer? his or Mine? Is the offer of submission on condition of what he gets out of it? 

   It's funny how that works when the Domiant considers what is offered. Does it serve the Dominant? 

   If what is being offered is not what I want or desire or makes me all warm and fuzzy, I don't consider it submissive.  Just because the general populous believes "doing the act" is submissive does not mean I accept it as submissive. 

   I do not consider any sexual act offered to be submissive. Some Dominants do, but it's truly an individual choice. 

   I see submission as intent, obedience, and devotion. 

What is your intent regarding service? 

Is it performing services to your Dominant? 

In summary from Ms. Rika in a group on another site and also in the book written by her submissive husband. 

'A submissive is one who is focused on fulfilling their Dominants preferences and expectations.' 

"There are no submissive acts, only submissive intent." 

Think about what you are offering and what your intent is. 

Want to know more? Read her newest book by her submissive husband.

Things I pay attention too

1. I read profiles and journals to see what you are about. 
2. What is your name? Names are telling. Is it something about a fetish, kink, or what you are focused on?  
3. I don't care what your fetish or interest list is unless it is your dislikes or hate. Those are mostly the truth and not what you are focused on. 
4. Where do you live?  
5. How far away are you from me? 

What I want you to know

1. If you message me from out of state or anywhere further than 50 ish miles away and tell me you want to serve, I want you to know. 
1. You will come to me to meet in California at a local munch at your own expense. After all, you chose to message me and offer to serve. 
2. If you say you will relocate, know you should not assume you will live with me. For this to happen, I would have to know you very well, and the connection would have to be there. This takes time. 
2. I go out into my community to attend munches, play parties, or significant events. I meet like-minded people and meet people who become my friends. 
1. I expect my submissive to do the same and attend to me. 
3. I do not engage in the bedroom, only D/s or M/s.  This is not what I consider being submissive, nor what I am looking for. 
4. I am not interested in sexual services with anyone except the person with whom I am in a romantic relationship. 
1. Romantic relationships take time. 
2. Intimacy is important in any relationship, but to me, it is not sexual. 
5. I do not jump into and out of relationships willy-nilly. I take my time. 

I saw this today in someone's journal and I decided to write about it as my interpretation of what Protect the Property means. 

To me, protecting the property is part of the protocols I have adopted as my own. 

To my submissive, it means protecting yourself. You are charged with making sure you are healthy by taking care of yourself, eating correctly, drinking enough water, etc.  Ensuring I am well taken care of to the best of his ability. 

To me, it means the same for myself, and it means I am to ensure my submissive is well cared for. 

To both of us, care for the relationship. Water the garden of the relationship, and help it grow together. If the relationship is not cared for, it will not succeed and this is done by both of us. 

When you message me and live in another state, you should plan to attend a munch that I am attending in California. I require a face-to-face meeting sooner rather than later. You need to make the trip out to me if you are serious about serving me. There are no guarantees, but a meeting needs to happen sooner rather than later. My rule is not negotiable. 

I have the same meeting sooner rather than later requirement for the men who live around me or in the state.

The question I am considering is, Do I want to have dinner with you? Do I consider you worthy of my time while enjoying a meal? (Seinfeld: When Elaine was deciding if suitors were sponge-worthy—We all have a thing.)   

If you aspire to be my submissive, you will have a job and be able to provide for yourself, a car to transport yourself in, and a home to live in and commute to my home to serve as needed. 

“You Never Get a Second Change to Make a First Impression.”

This quote has been attributed to Oscar Wilde and Will Rogers, although nobody knows for sure. Studies show a person will form a first impression within seven seconds or two minutes.

First Impressions- True for both sides of the sash 

This was being discussed in a group, which made me think about some of the people I've met over the years. Some I remember fondly because they made a great first impression; despite how things turned out, I still hold them out as friends.

Others may have made a great first impression, but it went south. Maybe they are good with words but less so about showing up; maybe they are keyboard jockeys and only want online, perhaps they are introverts, perhaps they are already in a relationship and want "discrete," or some other excuse not to show up.

I love that new little add-on to profiles where I can make notes about those who make a terrible impression, ghosting, those horrid one-liners by mail, etc., whatever it is. On the flip side, Use this to note those who are quite the opposite and make a fantastic impression and great messages. Why did you like them?

Here is my boundary regarding pictures.

I don't share photos on kink sites, period. My job puts me smack in the middle of the public, and they don't need to know the amount of information made possible on these sites. My alternative is to meet sooner rather than later, which is also why I say come to a munch I attend and let's see if there is something there. I also ask the person who lives close enough to the Bay Area to participate in a munch and meet for coffee. I bet you are better in person, too.

This boundary creates unhappy men who want their way; they want a picture, yet some don't have facial pictures either. I suppose a dick picture is representative of the little brain in action. Some don't like to be told no or are looking for something specific in a woman. This is not my problem; it's theirs!!! I let them hold their problem tight to their needy bosom. I find it entertaining when they lash out and start saying I'm fake this or that. Such fragile egos make them look like an asshats and make me realize I was right not to send or post pictures.

I am real. It hurts when I stub a toe or get a papercut. I have expectations, and if you do not like them, we will not work out. If you can see the possibilities by showing up away from the keyboard and coming out in public with other like-minded people, I would enjoy meeting you and starting a friendship. Meeting in person is so much better. 

I will meet you at a munch sooner rather than later.

It is not a date; it is a short period to meet to see if there is anything further to act on. This time together answers the question, Do I want to have dinner with you? 

If the answer is yes, and you feel the same way, let's do dinner and continue the conversation.

If not, nothing is lost.

A munch is a community event. Sometimes, food is involved, and other times, it is a drink. A munch is not a play space, and I do not want anything other than conversation to get to know you. 

Other people are at the munch to talk to if things do not work out. Neither person has to stay if they don't want to. 

I prefer to meet sooner rather than later so I do not have to continue texting or emailing if there is no in-person connection..  

Today, a TED talk from Christina Wallace and the Zero date came across in a feed.  She made valid points.  Christine names it and puts it out there.  "Let's face it, online dating can suck. So many potential people, so much time wasted -- is it even worth it? Podcaster and entrepreneur Christina Wallace thinks that if you do it right, In a funny, practical talk, Wallace shares how she used her MBA skill set to invent a "zero date" approach."

Is anyone going to Dark Odyessy - Surrender in San Jose, Oct 20-23, 2023?  

I am curious. I asked this question of several submissive men who responded to my ad; do you have a kinky resume?  This is exactly like a normal resume but instead details your kinky experience. I was told no; they did not have one. 

Because my group is D/s oriented, we took on an Owner's Manual and Kinky Resume for our group.  Wow, the responses and excitement were awesome. As a group, we decided the work put into both of these items would help either side of the sash get to know their partners on a deeper level, and if triggers were set off, we each could handle them better.  This ramped up negotiations to a new level.  As one of the co-moderators for the event said, every car we own comes with an owner's manual, so why not one for us, like a car, we have moments when our "lights come on," or the shit hits the fan. 

This is something I want to see. Everyone claims experience, but what classes are they taking to be good at XYZ?  What events do they attend, and so on. 

What do you think? 

Requirements, not Expectations. 

 Respect My time

Match My efforts 

Keep your word

Always be honest

Stay consistent

• Show up, be on time (words/actions)
• I will not work harder than you
• Your word is the honor you start with
• Omission is the choice you willingly make
• Consistency builds trust.

Start out being the best you can be and grow.

Think about each of these: how to improve a relationship or blow it up by choosing not to do these things. 

Favorite statements~

• Whatever you wish, Madame
• I'll do whatever she tells me to do

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This is the intimate relationship I want~

The mandate of transparency means that we can be open about our flaws, work through them, and come together stronger. 

We are each other’s safe space, brave space, and necessary space. 

The commitment to the relationship in a long-term way makes us both more willing to dig in and make things work. We need to be motivated to figure out ways to make it work. 

“Trust Junkie” – Earning Trust by being trustworthy.  I can’t demand trust unless I give him every reason to trust me. At the same time, the same is true for him. Work together always for the betterment of the relationship. 

Understand that trust can be earned, and as fast, trust can be lost. You choose how or if you earn or lose trust.  Getting trust back takes a glass house, if at all. 

Regular check-ins, not a time out or a break from the relationship to talk about the relationship. Make regular time to talk with each other. Note I am not saying at the person but rather with the person. Make lists to help you remember what you want to talk about.  Spend time after the check-in together. Have a meal/snack, snuggle, cuddle, touch each other, and feel the person you are so close with. 

         This builds positive reinforcement – closeness.

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R. Kaldara made a post and talked about similar things. I rewrote/twisted it to match my desires. Some of the wording is mine, and some is his. I give some of the credit to him.