dancesonstarlight

I identify as agender, which means I do not align with any gender. I am either neutral or femme presenting. I use they/them pronouns. Please do not refer to me as girl or boy, or any of the other and similar gendered terms of endearment or whathaveyou. Keep the familiarity out of my inbox as well, until you have gotten to know me and we've built that rapport. I will not call you Sir or Miss either. I'm owned. I call only one person Master or Sir. And if you message me without his okay, you will be ignored and blocked. Thank you. 

There won't be any of that new year, new me stuff here. 

I'm already becoming a new version of myself and that version is property that exists for its Master's pleasure only, under his guidance, and I am here because he allows it. I have been working very hard to continue to learn from him, and become the kind of property he desires. 

Sick, again. Blah. 

i will not give you my phone number right away. I won't talk on the phone with you. I have arthritis in my hands and wrists, I don't like using headsets, and quite frankly I don't like phone calls. Also, just because I am his anal fuck toy does not mean it's any of your business to inquire about in the first few messages. If this is how you intend to interact with me, kindly fuck off. Thanks. Pro tip: you want those things to happen, go through my Sir first. Otherwise, be decent and respectful in my DMs or get lost.

I can't wait to suffer for him again. 

Any mention of sexual anything before we have built a friendship, is not welcomed. Asking if my Master shares his fuck toy, sending vulgar fantasy porn type messages of what you'd do to me etc, none of it is welcomed. Platonic conversation or nothing. That's a boundary and not up for debate. Thanks.

Please stop asking me if my Master wants another slave. I don't and won't speak for him so you need to message him about that, not me. I believe he answers that in his about me, though. 

i was quiet today and didn't talk with Sir much. But told him my insulin injection hurt and made me bleed a bit, which he enjoyed hearing lol I'm still getting used to doing them myself. I hate needles. It's time to unwind for the night now. I'm tired and my tooth hurts.

I got some bad news today and all I want to do is curl up and cry but Master said I'm not allowed to. Instead of immediately responding with yes Sir, I asked why. I swear my curiosity and mouth are going to be the end of me. I was caught off guard by being told crying wasn't allowed, that the question just came out because I really wanted to know why I couldn't. It wasn't meant to question him, I was just trying to understand why I couldn't cry. I haven't cried, he said not to so I won't, but I am still really close to it, just now with the added worry of whether or not he's upset with me for asking why I couldn't cry. 

Understanding is how I learn, it's how I wrap my head around things, difficult things, and I can't do that if I don't understand. Or rather, it's really hard to wrap my head around things I don't understand. I'm trying to, though. 

I asked Master if I did a good job suffering for him today and he said very much. I'm so happy! Yay!

Property. 

Noun.

1. A thing or things belonging to someone; possessions collectively. 

2. An attribute, quality, or characteristic of something. 

I, am property. I don't always behave that way, but I should, because that is what I am. Master is a saint for how much patience he's had with me. Property doesn't have a say or an opinion. No voice, nothing. Change is not easy for me. To my brain it signals that there's a threat, danger, or that my world is going to be upended. I don't really know what to do with change, and abrupt change? Forget it. My brain either goes into full meltdown or fight mode. There is no in between. To be calm during changes means a meltdown later. Because I'm only calm outwardly. Inwardly I'm screaming for something to be the same, anything. Even a small thing. Master is that one thing. When my brain is screaming, he's there, steadfast and strong, unyielding and sure. I am his property. I don't get a say anymore. But I do get protection, care, and a Master who has always been there since day one. I'm property. A thing. His thing. Whenever, wherever, however he wants. His. 

I am not looking for a response to this. I'm posting so that I can come back and read it when I need to. 

Sir is really the only person who can break me... He's the only one I've let in and let know me in the ways needed to accomplish it. Others have tried, and they failed. Let that sink in. 

Today was a big let down. I'm tired. I want to give up. I know I can't give up because I'm not allowed to, which I don't understand since there's nothing else to be done for me regarding my back and legs. I've been told this multiple times. I just want to rest for once. 

Otherwise, things are going decently. I got some phone calls done, and gonna need to do a voice recording for Sir soon. 

fuck today, I'm going to bed. Goodnight moon. 

no blood clot. But lots of inflammation in my lungs. I've been sleeping a lot, taking meds for this illness. I'm starting to feel a little better, but I'm still so damn tired. Pneumonia isn't anything to mess around with. I spent a week thinking my allergies were getting worse, but now I think it was a sinus infection that went to my chest and yeah. I hate being sick, it always hits me hard. This is the second time I've had pneumonia this year. I'm glad I'm starting to feel better, but it sure does suck being immunocompromised. 

Sir and I are working things out. He came to see me and now I have beautiful bruises in several areas. I know he's still mad at me, but I wear his marks with pride, because it means I served him, his pleasure, his desires. Now I must get better so I can continue serving him. So, that's the goal, recovering. I'm still on an antibiotic and see my doctor when I've finished it. So we will see what happens from there. 

pneumonia. And possibly a blood clot. Ending the year the same way I started it, apparently. 

I'm sick. No idea with what..

wet but wheezy cough, body aches, fever, fatigue. 

I just want to sleep. 

Even when we are apart, I still try my best to send him notes that'll make him happy and pleased. He loves when I'm in pain, so I tell him every time I am. Migraines, tender fingertips from blood sugar checks, toothaches, etc. I have pain meds, but to take them I must ask his permission. Whenever he replies to my messages are about these things, he enjoys them, and I enjoy his joy. It's a way we connect when we are apart. 

I am thinking about taking some photos for him as well, later today. It's been awhile since I done that in general, but he loves looking at his property, and that should be priority over how I see myself. 

Yes, this slave is finally bending. Master is making sure of it, but I'm also trying my very best and choosing to be intentional with my surrender. 

He gave me beautiful bruises recently, as well, and I am grateful for his time, attention, sadism, and correction. Thank you, Master. Thank you for teaching me to let go and sink into your capable hands completely. 

He's weaved himself into every part of me, and dug his way into my heart... I couldn't disengage even if I wanted to (I don't want to). It still astounds me how easily he's seared himself into my skin. Believe me when I say, I fought it as hard as I could, afraid of letting him in... And all along he already was there. 

I can't seem to keep my mouth shut when I should. I can't read when it's okay to say something or not. I don't even understand half the time when I've said something wrong. Or right. I suck at this social shit. I'm tired. Goodnight. 

Im focused on my Sir and my health. If you can't handle conversation that isn't all roses and butterflies, don't bother reaching out. Thanks. 

when he called me by his nickname for me, I melted. "That's my...insert nickname here" meant the world to me. He was pleased with me. I live for that. 

yeah, no, today's just as shitty as yesterday was. 

tomorrow will be better. 

feeling very discouraged, at the moment. Nothing I do seems to be enough, ever, for anyone. I'm so fucking soul tired that all I want to do is rest and be left alone. 

Updating your age on here will not put your profile in the queue to be reapproved so long as that's the ONLY thing you're updating. Profile about me's being updated and or photos being uploaded, will. 

Putting this out there because I see a lot of people saying they don't update their ages due to being put in profile limbo mode, and it's simply not true. I've updated my age here for awhile now, every year on my birthday, and it has never caused my profile to go back into the pending approval queue. 

death of ego... Painful, but necessary. 

angiogram went well. Turns out I just have small arteries. I have to stay on an aspirin and cholesterol med regimen to ensure blood flow in my heart doesn't slow too much. It's the best possible outcome, really. Also, it was kinda cool watching the catheter thread through my arteries on the screen the doc was watching as well. Though, I was supposed to be moderately sedated for this, but my IV failed at the last moment and the sedation didn't start working until towards the end of the procedure. They numbed me up pretty good though. I'm past the 24hr mark as well, so the bandage came off. Anyway, all is good. Now to focus on other aspaspects of my health to improve upon it. I'm focused on that and serving my Sir and maintaining friendships. New connections are welcome, just please message my Sir first if you're left of the slash in any capacity. Thanks!

"kEeP pOliTiCs OuT oF kInk" the domly man cries. 

Seems you don't know the history of your own lifestyle, brosef. I don't fuck with folks like you, bye. 

Lastly, kink is political. You won't change my mind on that. And no, I won't be debating this fact. Can't reply to anyone who doesn't message my Sir first anyway so your message will just be deleted unread. 

Our void kitty is diabetic. We've been trying to find the right dose of insulin for him but it definitely is helping him feel better. 

if you're only willing to talk with me during periods where I don't have an active dynamic, or when we are having issues,  you never wanted to be just friends. I'm not stupid. 

welp, heart scan and stress test results came back. I have to have an angiogram/angioplasty towards the end of the month. I'm nervous but I will get through it. Minimally invasive and pretty straightforward stuff. 

This is partially why I'm more focused on my health than I am the lifestyle. I can't pour from any cup if I'm not here. My partners and friends understand this... and He requires it. 

void kitty is doing much better! 

fox tail and bunny ears does not a funny make! Lmao

Our void kitty has a UTI. He's seen the vet and is on antibiotics and being closely watched. He's starting to feel a little better. He's our old man cat at 15 years old. He's been getting spoiled rotten while not feeling well. He should be okay. 

Last time my a1c was checked it was a 9 (about 4 months ago). Now it's a 6.7!! I fucking did it. I'm so proud of myself!! 

That's it. That's the entry. 

3 death anniversaries of people I love today and some cunt had to message me regarding my journals about my Sir saying they're exhausting to read. Bitch, don't read them then, duh. Fuck outta my inbox with your bullshit. This is why you were unfriended to begin with. 64 and doesn't know how to keep scrolling, is just sad and pathetic. I'm sorry but if my journals are exhausting for you to read, DON'T READ THEM. Nobody is making you. But I'm glad I live rent free in your head lol

I am not going to be talking about Baka anymore. I won't tolerate anyone painting him in a bad light. I respect him and will honor what we had, period. 

do not use pet names, terms of endearment, or nicknames with me if we haven't built rapport over months or even longer. I don't like it. It's overly familiar and makes me uncomfortable. Please stop. 

this includes but is not limited to things like good girl, little one, sweetie, etc, and definitely not anything more vulgar than those. My name is Kat. Please use my name instead. Thanks. 

i just had someone try to catfish me. Unfortunately he used the photo of a well known actor named Maurice Webster (How to Get Away with Murder, Brooklyn 9 9, etc) and claimed it was him. So I sent him screenshot of Google lens results and an article about the actor, then blocked. Y'all really think I'm stupid and naive, I'm not. 

And I will always be a martyr, I will fill your life with songs

I'll be a wind chime in the window, catching life you throw around

And I will tear apart your bedroom, I'll call you in the night

I will exist in every second just to decorate your life

And when you're done, you can discard me like the others always do

And I will nurse my wounds until another artist stains me new

I will always reassemble to fit perfectly in you

For anybody that decides that I'm of use

Lonely is the muse...

apparently I'm a trainer now. Lmao

i will never choose the person who tries to push me to accepting a collar when I'm down and heartbroken for another. My vulnerability is not an invitation. 

Luna is doing much better. 

I have more answers health wise for myself. 

Upward and onward, always. 

some hearts break, some hearts detonate. 

There's something wrong with my calico, Luna, and I'm very worried. She's not acting like herself. She had a jaw issue the other day and ever since she's been drooling, hiding in the bathtub (she's not a jumper and never did this before), felt warm, acts restless, among other symptoms. She's 7. While not the norm, I've had cats last until 20. This is my familiar.

Vet said her teeth look good but to keep an eye on her as she isn't eating the dry food, only wet. We did get her rabies shot done and I'm really hoping she's not having a reaction to it. Will call the vet in the morning and take her in asap. She didn't even fight being picked up, which she hates because she always thinks it's bathtime when she's picked up and usually will fight it and mewl so pitifully but she didn't do that this time.

I tried to reach out to Bakayashu for help but he of course is still ignoring me. Whatever. I just hope I don't lose my cat, him, and have to send my kiddo back to her father in two days. I'm already battling horrible depression and barely keeping myself focused through it. 

I feel so damn abandoned. Alone. And Baka's silence now just feels cruel. 

I just want everything to go back to being good again. 

i feel like I'm being watched when people view my profile multiple times but never say hello. Especially if it's multiple times over the course of months, and in one case, years. Even if you're not what I'm looking for or vice versa, I enjoy making friends. So say hi!

after I've given myself some time, I might start a search for a play partner. I don't want to be owned and this would be a non sexual arrangement. I would be looking for a Sadist as I'm a masochist but I have to trust you and get to know you to be able to take pain from you. This will require connection and friendship first. I'm in no rush. Feel free to message me to start developing this friendship I speak of but if all you want to discuss is sex and kinks, we won't mesh well. I'm demisexual but pansexual, I require connection even for play. Thanks. 

so many reasons I'm not okay.

i am not looking to be owned again. Please stop trying to push for this. 

i will not be answering questions regarding what transpired between my Master and myself. Do not ask. 

His handprint is forever seared into my soul.

i miss him. So much. 

thats how you know you love them. When you want their happiness, even if it doesn't include you. 

i have zero energy for anything anymore. Especially any of this

 I just want to sleep.

its been three months. It isn't getting easier. I'm just getting more and more depressed. It's agony. 

I will take this pain into myself

Wrap it in ribbons, and give you my self. 

Wiping away my own tears, 

Facing my own fears

Everything you ever wanted

The moment I became your biggest regret. 

Oh, he doesn't speak anymore,

My heart can't take it.

You can't move on, 

When the mind is wound around him.

These wounds they bleed for you,

But he's not around anymore to see.

So I lick them slowly,

Who are you to hurt me?

Poison on my lips,

These sweet words just slip out,

The scorch marks on my tongue

Tell you what I'm about.

I tried to bleed for you,

Tried to shed this skin for you,

I'm just asking for some kinda sign,

For the stars to align,

Or for you to vacate my mind. 

 I'm not good enough for you, it's true,

But goddamn it I'm in love with you. 

If you bombard me with messages before I respond to the first one, you'll be blocked. You aren't entitled to my time. 

my age is accurate. Changing it on here does not put your profile in pending approval mode. Just fyi

He read my messages. I hope it means he will soon talk to me. 

I'm proud of myself for losing the weight I have. 45lbs! I will keep at it regardless of the judgemental people on here. My goal is to be a healthier weight for my bone structure, without losing curves, so for me, that means getting down to around 165lbs. I did it before, I will do so again. Go ahead and doubt me. Your opinion, unless asked for, is irrelevant to me. 

if you're going to preach communication, especially for when things get hard, then maybe you should actually practice that. Otherwise, you're a hypocrite. 

i am not for the faint of heart. 

I have been in this lifestyle for nineteen years, and only in the last 6 did I find the Master for me. And I ruined it. I hate myself for that and will probably never forgive myself. I miss him so much. 

the more messages I get, the less I want to be on here because people either don't read profiles and or journals, want to be insensitive and tell me to get over losing my dynamic, or they want to be pushy. Y'all just prove more and more why Bakayashu is the only one for me. 

Im not downloading a chat app I don't already have just to talk to ONE person on it. Don't ask. 

walked away. 2 months of silence was all I could withstand. 

I'm so sorry I failed you, Master. 

missing him.

I don't like them innocent

I don't want no face fresh

Want them wearing leather

Begging, let me be your taste test

I like the sad eyes, bad guys

Mouth full of white lies

Kiss me in the corridor

But quick to tell me goodbye

You say that you're no good for me

'Cause I'm always tugging at your sleeve

And I swear I hate you when you leave

I like it anyway

My ghost

Where'd you go?

I can't find you in the body sleeping next to me

My ghost

Where'd you go?

What happened to the soul you used to be?

You're a Rolling Stone boy

Never sleep alone boy

Got a million numbers

And they're filling up your phone, boy

I'm off the deep end, sleeping

All night through the weekend

Saying that I love him but

I know I'm gonna leave him

You say that you're no good for me

'Cause I'm always tugging at your sleeve

And I swear I hate you when you leave

I like it anyway

My ghost

Where'd you go?

I can't find you in the body sleeping next to me

My ghost

Where'd you go?

What happened to the soul that you used to be

I'm searching for something that I can't reach

My ghost

Where'd you go?

I can't find you in the body sleeping next to me

My ghost

Where'd you go?

What happened to the soul that you used to be

Ghost by Halsey (it's a song)

Men who call women "females" sound like a fucking ferengi. 

It's not a good look. Stop.

Love is a verb.

Just because you love someone, doesn't mean they feel loved by you.

So many end up in my inbox, showing their ass (figuratively thankfully) and when I say things like only one person gets to tell me what to do....it's THEN that they view my profile. 

Maybe try reading profiles FIRST. You'd probably get further if you did and respected it's contents. 

also, giving me an order in your first message will never go well for you. I am owned, until I'm told otherwise, fucking show some respect. 

That's what happens... You let people in and they destroy you. 

- 5am random thoughts

i am pretty sure he's done with me. 

No idea how I'm going to get through this feeling of failure. 

I don't think I possess the ability to move on. 

He owns every part of me. My thoughts are wrapped around him, our interactions, our love. 

I don't surrender temporarily. I don't quit just because things get hard. I never have. 

But somehow I'm supposed to quit him? Quit us? And just carry on? The very thought is viscerally painful. 

I miss him. He still won't talk to me. Not even to tell me one way or the other. 

On FetLife he's still listed on my profile. I suggested he remove it if he was done with me, that it would give him a way of telling me without the need for direct contact, if that's what he wanted. He is still listed. 

All I know is, it's going to take the death of hope to let him go. 

Would've gave it all for you, cared for you

So tell me where I went wrong?

Would've gave it all for you, cared for you

Would've trade it all for you, there for you

So tell me how to move on?

if you're going to add me to your favorites, you might as well say hello lol

I keep a record of the wreckage of my life

I gotta recognize the weapon in my mind

They talk shit but I love it every time

And I realize, I'm no sweet dream but I'm a hell of a night.

"i am sonnets full of stardust within the meter of my skin.”

I'm completely gutted and broken.

Missing him so much. 

Stop trying to make me laugh, I don't feel like laughing. 

Go away. 

i have lost 31lbs in the last 5 weeks. It means nothing to me because he isn't proud of me anymore. 

definitely done living this lifestyle. No longer interested in it. Here to keep in touch with friends and make new ones. Nothing more. 

Your toys and implements don't impress me.

Your heart and mind might.

Your dick definitely won't.

“Leaving people behind is like pruning a tree; it may hurt at first, but it allows for new growth and opportunities.”

I'm sorry I'm too hard to love and own. I'm sorry I didn't make it easier. I'm sorry I didn't do better. I'm sorry I'm not a good slave. I'm sorry for what I said. I'm sorry I'm too neurospicy. I'm sorry I info dump and it made you feel like I didn't care about you. I'm sorry I couldn't get my head out of my own ass long enough to realize I was hurting you. I'm sorry I wasn't a good enough slave to make you want me for the long haul. I'm sorry it took me this long to realize that I'm selfish and only think of myself. I'm sorry for screwing up so much. I'm sorry for letting my fears and traumas win. I'm sorry I made a mess of things. I'm sorry I didn't keep my promises, my word. I'm sorry I made you not want talk to me anymore. I'm sorry I gave you so many reasons to doubt me. I'm sorry I made you stop believing in me. I'm sorry I couldn't be, do, or say the right things. I'm sorry I pushed you to the point where you're done with me. I'm sorry I took so much and didn't give nearly enough in return. I'm sorry for my mouthiness, my disrespect, my words. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to let go enough. I'm sorry I held back again. I'm sorry I ruined our forever. I'm sorry I made it easier not to talk to me, than I made it to be around me. I'm sorry I'm so exhausting and draining. I'm sorry I made you see me in all the ways I was afraid you eventually would. I'm sorry I wasn't brave enough to embrace happiness with you. I'm sorry I became too much. I'm sorry I was clingy and needy. I'm sorry for causing the distance between us to expand rather than decrease. I'm sorry I fucked everything up. I'm sorry I couldn't get it right. I'm sorry I don't understand things like you do. I'm sorry I'm not logical enough. I'm sorry I'm too sensitive and too emotional. I'm sorry I took everything for granted. I'm sorry for becoming your problem, your stress, rather than your peace. I'm sorry I didn't focus enough on you and your needs and wants. I'm sorry I never learned my lessons. I'm sorry I info dumped and over shared too much. I'm sorry I couldn't get out of my head. I'm sorry for all of it. I'm sorry for every single thing that disappointed you and displeased you. I'm sorry I vented, complained, and bitched too much. I'm sorry for all of the whining I did. I'm sorry I wasted your time, your love, and your patience. I'm sorry for being difficult all of the time. I'm sorry I didn't show how grateful I am and how much I appreciate you. I'm sorry I didn't show how much you and our dynamic means to me. I'm sorry I chose misery and fighting you because it was more familiar to me than the healthy dynamic and love you offered and freely gave to me. I'm so sorry, Sir.

You can’t force raging water to be calm. You have to leave it alone and let it return to its natural flow. Emotions are the same way.

i just miss him so much and all I want to do is make things right between us again. I know there's alwasy a reason behind everything he does, but I have thought of all that I think it could be this time. I've admitted my wrongs, sat with his words and mulled them over extensively, and examined my behavior over the last few weeks. I've given him space the last week aside from updating him on the necessary and important things he absolutely should know, and still, not a word in response. I'm at a loss as to how to resolve this without communication and for that, he has to be willing to respond, to talk. Many would say this is not right for him to do, and I only half agree. The fuck up was mine. Entirely. I just have no idea how to prove to him that I'm sorry and intend to work on improvements and growth. It also saddens me that he has not so much as seemed at all troubled by our lack of contact. Though, I don't know this for certain, but how do you go so long with no contact with your slave if you love them as much as you say you do, and want them just as much? I'm doubting a lot lately, and losing more and more hope as the days pass. 

I won't give up, though. I am his, forever. Whether he considers me his anymore or not. I just wish he would tell me, either way. Even if he still needs more time, I just want to know I am still his if I am. And I want to know if I'm not, if I'm not. 

I feel like I'm in limbo, a state of purgatory. Banished from even learning my fate. It's painful. It's agonizing. It feels cruel and confusing. And it doesn't feel particularly safe, though with him, as his, I feel perfectly safe. But in this space of frozen in time, hanging limp from fated thread, I am scared. Terrified that it may be over. I've broken so many times since we last spoke. And I'm still breaking. Every fracture piercing the deepest depths of me. The knowledge that I caused this for myself? Makes his last words to me sting all the more:

Enjoy the misery you bring on yourself. 

Social media has become boring to me. I'm honestly losing interest in everything.

If all you're interested in is my kinks and sex talk, block me. I will just end up blocking you. 

Not hearing from him is absolute agony. I don't understand not talking to your partner for this long. Even if mad at them. I get I screwed up, but I would and do miss my partners after just a day or two of not speaking. His resolve is way stronger than mine though. The not knowing is just gutting me. And no I'm not going to elaborate on this to anyone else I haven't already explained it to. I'm tired of explaining it repeatedly and people not understanding or respecting what I'm saying or talking trash about him, trying to convince me to walk away so they can have a chance at me even after me saying that won't happen. 

i just want to talk things over and make things right again. 

i actually am pansexual and afab (assigned female at birth). 

I don't care what your genitals are or what your gender identity is, I'm attracted to the person. Hearts, not parts. 

Be decent. Be kind. Be respectful. And you'll do fine in my book.

Also, I don't want your money. I'm not relocating. And I'm not interested in anyone over 50 or younger than 35. 

Platonic conversation only. No sexual vulgarity or you'll be blocked. 

i was here under the same name before. Decided to delete that one and recreate it, starting fresh. I will have to rebuild my block list. Also, if you want to see my face, looke up on FetLife under the username starlightdancer. Otherwise, you're SOL. Not sorry.