September 2025 Update Well, what to update on? I've had precious little innteresting contact on this site for a while. I did have some medical issues toward the end of last year from which I am now recovering. I was in a relationship where the partner in question appears to have ghosted me. I guess that makes me single once again? I havent heard from him in over 6 months after all. To me, I'm single even if neither of us spoke the words 'we're broken up'. I've maintained my chastity now since March 2020. I don't think i could live without it. I too, still regularly practice submissive poses, exercises, and enjoy self bondage sessions in lieu of a dominant. My transition has been a drawn out process due to my illness earlier this year. I do take hormone treatments, and keep myself with long hair, and shaved below the top of my head. I dress as femme all day every day. I love as a woman every day. However, bottom surgery has not yet been approved for me. The psychiatrist I had lined up to provide my second medical declartion rejected it back in January, meaning I've been fighting both an illness and the NHS since then to get the documents and reports I need for my GRC. If you know what that means, you'll know the frustration. If you don't let me simplify it. I've been living as a woman now for nearly four years, but I can't have that legally recognised just yet because of paperwork. If you want someone who is submissive and loyal, I am that. However, be warned that though I intend to undergo bottom surgery, that is still a little while away for me.

The Pitch It was late afternoon when Heather asked me to go with her to Jim's office.  A few dozen people were still enjoying the pool and patio while listening to music.  I followed her into the house and was led to Jim's office.  It was  masculine looking with leather chairs and a sofa and a mahogany desk.  I looked around and there were framed movie posters on the wall.  They were gaudy with titles such as Bound Bitch and Mantool.  I could read Jim's name on them as directed by.  Jim came in, smiled at us and sat down and lit a cigar. Jim, puffing smoke:  I'm so glad you came today.  As you can see we're like a family.  We have a lot of fun.  I don't want you to feel any pressure to do anything so let me explain what this is all about.  I make movies as you can see. I've done pretty well.  Heather has starred in a lot of them.  We both love bondage and want to do a movie with bondage and torture.  Not real torture of course.  My sweet baby (looking at Heather) has written a script which I think is dynamite.  It's the kind of movie that I think people will want to stay until the end to see what happens.  When we saw your scene at the party the other day I said to her that you'd be perfect for it.   Me:  I'm not a porn actress. Jim, grinning:  No no we already got that.  We think you'd be a good bondage model.  We would respect your limits of course and there'll be a female coordinator there the whole time.   Heather:  I'm narrating it.  I'll be your torturer.  You don't have to memorize any lines or anything.  We just want to film your reactions to the torments.  When we watched you being whipped while being suspended that night we just fell in love with your reactions and emotions.   Me, looking at both of them:  Can I see the script? Heather:  Of course!  Better yet, would you like to see the torture chamber? Jim: Go show her the set.  Look, no pressure.  We understand if you don't want to do this.  It'll be fun. Think about and let me know.   Jim got up and shook my hand and smiled.  Heather and I left the room and I was led through the cavernous home to a large door with an unlit "Quiet On Set" sign.  She opened the door and I looked around.   It was a movie set.  The set was a medieval torture chamber with stone (fake) walls.  I saw a rotating wheel of pain, a rack, a suspension frame and a crucifix.  Everything looked so real.  It blew me away. Heather: So what do you think? Me: I'm in.   Next up Action!  

what a typical day would be like as My slave.   I work from home during the week in a typical 8 am to 5 pm online system. you would wake slightly before Me and rise from your sleeping that should be a pallet or cot next to My bed. you will then prepare My coffee and have it ready for when I wake. you will Serve it to Me on one knee. there is more to the Ritual than that but I am keeping to basics for now.   Once I have taken the coffee, you kiss each of My feet and then My cock, affirming to Me that you are My slave. When I get up, you will ask if I need to piss and how I wish to do so. That can be in your mouth to swallow or on you to wear for a brief time or longer as I wish.   I will start My work and you will fix My breakfast and your own. Again you will Serve Me and wait for Me to give you permission to eat yours.   Then will come inspection of slave to see if there is anything that needs to be addressed such as shaving and such. slave will then shower and clean himself accordingly and report back for Tasks of the Day.   Most days will have Tasks already assigned, such as Monday, the bedding is changed and washed. Every day has the Task of properly dressing the bed and dusting various shelves and stuff.   All Tasks should be finished by lunch time. slave reports back to Me to have Tasks evaluated. Failures to meet standards will warrant punishments later that day.   Lunch time has the slave preparing and serving lunch. Usually something simple and easy. Follows the same Ritual as breakfast.   After lunch, slave will have an hour to do his own personal hobbies and such. After that, the slave will do his workout program to increase his fitness.    After that, slave preps dinner. Not all dinners will be cooked by the slave as I do like to do some cooking. Dinner Ritual is the same as other meals. slave will likely sit on the floor near Me while eating.    The evening is when I relax with My hobbies and fun. slave will be near and quiet possibly with a few minor Tasks.   At the end of the day, any punishments that the slave has earned are reviewed and applied.   Bed time.    A note is that the slave is always available to Me should I want to piss on or in him, as well as to suck My cock, kiss My feet, lick My pits and ass, and of course being ass up for when I want to fuck.

Some dommes think they can put on sexy clothes and flirt their way into what ever they want, if that is you keep reading.You like being able to be in charge all the time but at certain times you feed your greed for power by binding your partner because it amuses you to create a little suffering for him.You may want to enjoy sharing sexual energy but no longer want frequent penetration or you want your man to feel that intercourse is a treat to be earned through submission. I'd like to be able to let you know I am horny for you while at the same time be prevented from thinking I can just grab you, strip you and throw you down to fuck. I've learned how to shape chastity belts for practical comfort so that you can star in my every sexual thought. Everyday life becomes an adventure when control reaches any distance."What is sexual in a high heel is the arch of the foot, because it is exactly the position of a woman's foot when she orgasms... So putting your foot in a heel, you are putting yourself in a possibly orgasmic situation.""Shoes are just a pedestal. What interests me is the power of the woman who wears them."-- Christian Louboutin

hello I feel the need to write a post. I  have been on here trying to seek someone to help me maybe come out of my shell. Yet I get messages from so called men or Doms on here that think that a woman should bow down to them. Act there kings when there not. Some one here can't act like slave Masters, well slavery days have been long gone. Some on here want to just act out storie, if I wanted that I would read a book, or wat h a movie. I have brains and a strong willed femal. I know what I want and don't want. I will not be talked to like I'm less then a woma. yes I came on here to meet someone to help me come out of my shell. Yes I stated I wanted to try anal play, I have never had anal but open to trying tha. No o don't want bruised or have my boobs tied up for what pain, or marks on my boobs no, do you want you dick tied up and bruised?? Well done might but still. Just maybe I'm on the wrong sit. uggg this is frustratin!!!!!!!

I'm reading this book on habits. There's a little bit of the science, but mostly it's anecdotal moments of famous and not so famous people and how one small change created an avalanche of positive changes. Sometimes just within themselves, sometimes branching out to entire companies. It's fascinating. As I'm expected to, I'm mining the nuggets and looking at how they fit into my life. A lot of times an easy answer to why you do or don't do something is I don't know. Maybe you don't know, even when consciously thinking about it. And then you're listening to someone else's story and it comes to you, THAT'S why you do the thing! Or you already knew the thing but hadn't figured out the alternative better habit, like replacing junk food with a bowl of apples so when you need something quick and lazy it's the better option. I know I'm going to forget more than I remember, but right now its helping me to piece together the reasons why I fall back into certain habits and how to move beyond the comfortable to solidify the new, better ones. Not today, of course. Today was a shit show. But it's a plan for tomorrow. Progress. 

I am finding more people reaching out to me from out of state. While I don't mind chatting, some just send the how are you or other similar message, then don't really converse or may even ghost me. Then a couple months go by, and some even come back again with the how are you. I have stated in my profile at one point that if you are not in my state and not willing to relocate yourself to not contact me. At one point I had a guy reach out to me asking if I would take on his fiance and train her as a sub. I tbought why not.  He was willing to pay to send her to me and cover all costs. We had a good conversation going on for almost a month. He sent me photos, we discussed different scenarios. He then asked if I would keep her as my own and not let her come back to him and kept pushing that as if he did not want her. After several messages, I noticed he was fishing for info that I was not willing to give and after a while, he blocked me.  I wasted all that time chatting for something that ended up being a fishing scam. So be aware of the conversation you have with others. I have a rule not to give out personal information specifically for these reasons. I have had many people attempt to use information to try and blackmail me. What they don't realize is that I don't care. If they want to out me to family or frineds......be my guest. Most family I have on my social media don't care and some even know about my lifestyle choices. I had someone also reach out to me asking for me to relocate them to my area from another state. Thisnwas the first red flag as I clearly stated in my profile that I would not. I even went as far as to start texting via phone and text messaging directly. Their story was so convincing. However that old addage of if it sounds too good to be true it probably is. I ended up blocking them because I just had a bad feeling about the while situation. They were asking me to do some crazy things that were either borderline illegal or plain out against the law.    Long story short. I am so done with the lack of reading my profile and asking me to do shit that I cleay stated I would not. I am tired of the short how are you doing messages. I put a little more effort into my messages so I expect a little more substance. I understand and am more than happy to be adult about discussing things, and if by chance we are not a match am more than happy to say lets be friends or even go our seperate ways. Just be adult enough to say it rather than blocking me or ghosting me. We can all be adults here. Let's act like it and not be like we were in middle school.    For now, end of rant. I do use the block member button regularly and am more than happy to also report users that appear to be breaking the rules on the site or in some cases the law. We are all here for a reason. Mine is to connect with like minded local people and see what may come of it and at the very least hope that I can make a new friend      

First I'd like to say thank you to everyonw who has messaged me offering support and sympathies over my recent health decline, it's been very helpful to feel the support and encouragement! I have an appointment in a few days with cardio, so hoping for better results when I go in then ...  on the other hand, the shop is going well we have 24 listings on ebay currently and we're excited to keep adding to those listings I do have to say, I hate having this heat failure, I hate days like today when I am so congested and have no energy, I hate when I feel weak, but it makes me appreciate the good days so much more! Take nothing for granted and enjoy life with good vibes!!!!

The Whip The single tail was never my impact play item of choice.  In fact, I was afraid of it.  In Texas there are a lot of whip enthusiasts.  There are vanilla groups in Texas for people who are interested in using one.  For bdsm practitioners the use of a whip for scene play is rarely used.  That doesn't stop people from cracking a whip in the dungeon.  Eventually I learned to love being whipped but it wasn't easy.    Some dungeons prohibit single tails.  They're loud and intimidating. Just hearing that familiar sound (my lame attempt at describing the sound) wu-tish!! was enough to turn heads. Some didn't like the distraction of it during play at the dungeon so in some cases it wasn't allowed.    In the beginning, most of my impact play involved floggers, canes, crops and other similar things. My Domme however was very interested in using a whip and connected with other dominants who had experience with single tails. After we scenes She would seek out someone with a whip and practiced with it.    As her sub, it was fascinating to watch her try to crack the whip. I wanted to please her so I agreed to stand by with my hands over my face as the whip would lightly wrap around me over and over.    I want to whip you while you're suspended she said.    Okay but I'm very afraid I replied.  I'll try it as long as I wear a mask and leather thong.    A friend of mine sold me a mask. It was made of stiff thick leather.  It didn't cover my head but it covered my face and ears. It was so cool looking!  The thong was easier to get. I found a side tie one at a leather shop in town. I also wore a leather collar to protect my neck.  I was ready.  Bring it on I thought to myself.    In the beginning I would be cuffed to a spreader bar with my arms overhead.  My Domme bought a 4ft whip which we used for practice. After a few sessions we didn't like the damage it caused. It was very painful. I hated it.  We later learned that shorter whips cause the most pain.    We bought a 6 foot whip and practiced with that for awhile.  Finally we bought an 8 foot whip.  My Domme could now stand far away and whip me like a pro. Both of us were amazed at the performance of a long whip. She learned to throw it around me and got that Wu-tish!! sound Everytime.    We went to our favorite dungeon and did a scene with the whip.  This time I was suspended and wearing all of the protective gear I bought. I was hoisted up and whipped.  She took long pauses between lashes.  Every lash has purpose. She wanted evenly spaced marks.  I wore those marks proudly and the scene caused quite a stir.   Dominants like to push limits and subs often don't think they can say no. In my case, I agreed to be whipped while suspended because I was now confident if her ability and I felt safe.  We were refining our scene. Little did we know but we were about to make a huge impression on the Texas scene.   Next up: The Gift. 

Haven't written anything in a while, and I had a quiet minute between tasks, so I thought I would write about a recent experience I had out in the wild. I had done a pop in at a Dollar Tree. I hadn't done anything special that day - no makeup, no sexy clothes, just my vibrant magenta hair and my bright orange mirror sunglasses. Maybe my hand bleached mandala design tank top was cool. So when a very bald guy walking my way kind of leaned toward me and told me really liked my hair, I said thank you, and casually commented that I also had some hair loss and the bold color helps hide that. He apparently took that as an opening, and asked if I was married, and I said I have a partner, and that we are "complicated." He asked what that meant, and I asked if he knew what polyamory was. He gave a noncommital sound like he wanted to seem like he did, and I followed it with saying that we are always open to new playmates if they are compatible. So he asked me about going for coffee sometime. I said I was open to discussing it and offered him my business card. Now, I designed my own cards, for goth costuming and art and such. They are mostly black and purple and lacy with gothic lettering.  And they have QR codes on the back to my Etsy and Instagram and email, etc. No numbers. He looked at it, turning it over and back, like he had no idea what I'd handed him.  He said "Let's skip all that and you give me your phone number." I said no, I don't really do phone calls.  So he hands me back my card and says "So you aren't really interested. Good luck with all that" and walked away with this smirk like he'd caught me trying to trick him.  At this point in my life, I can look at the whole thing and laugh. This is so common in my expeirence, but its still amusing to watch happen.  I was pretty positive this wasn't going anywhere when he first asked, but I was willing to listen to his pitch. But interested? No, I was not "interested." This guy did not look like Jason Momoa. He didn't talk like a heavy intellectual. Nor did he dress like anything more than your average rando - tshirt, long shorts, etc. He hadn't said anything, either, other than asking for my attention. He didn't ooze seduction or ... anything other than averageness, honestly. He walked up to a total stranger, made the barest effort, divulged nothing of use or value in the 2-3 minutes we spoke, but expected... something more from me. Then when I didn't make up the difference for him, he bailed and wanted to act like I'd led him on somehow with my simple failure to be rude, and basic honesty.  He was *INTERESTED.*  He was not in any way *interestING* on the surface. So there was nothing to be interested IN at that point.   But he wanted to be butthurt that I wasn't equally interested in him. I wasn't even snarky about the phone. Just not insecure about saying no. And he tried to turn it into something personal. Weak men are everywhere. Here, at work, in daily life, etc. Men who want something, and sometimes will profess great interest in getting it, but at the slightest bump, they flail and pout and throw up their hands and play helpless. Well, except when they decide to get violent about it. Which is why I carry pepper spray on my keys and a stun gun in my purse.  There's a tictok video where a woman expresses her frustration with men who want to complain that women all want '6 foot, 6 figure, 6 pack' and all we REALLY want is for you to be nice to us and feed us tacos. She's not wrong.  And I have a whole profile outlining what I want, and what I don't want, as well as countless journal entries laying out how to avoid pissing off me, and every Domme I know. And yet... It doesn't have to be this hard, guys.  Just don't expect us to make all the effort for you. 

As the profile edit didn't pass inspection, here it is     This is not the profile of SensualOrgasmDom69. Please look elsewhere for that kind of thing       Fuck, I hate that this thing needs me to update my age       Lets get straight to the point. (and I added stuff!) (twice now) (scratch that, 3rd edit)        I am not a nice person. I am not here to find the love of my life.Least I don't think so, never say never.        I am not a ropes and floggers, leather and latex kind of person. This is not some bit of bedroom fun, but just who I am. Controlling, demanding, sadistic and generally uncaring when it suits me. I like to explore where others dare not, both with the body and mind.        What I am here to find is whatever takes my fancy. It could be easier to say what will not take my fancy. Demanding, princess types are certainly out, as are those who require a massive romance aspect. Sure I can offer affection when it suits me, but overall its not something that should be expected in bulk. Just something I can understand can be required much as a car requires an oil change every now and then. Heck, sometimes even I need that kind of downtime.       I am the kind that gives kink a bad name. I would happily take on one with poor self-esteem, not to "fix" them, but as a way of controlling them. Someone who will lower themselves to the level I desire, someone who can live without rights. I find interest in things normally unacceptable. I'm not that bothered about looks and such, I just want someone who will put up with whatever I throw at them.       I think D could be my favourite letter for what I want, downtrodden, dejected, dependant, desperate, doormat, perhaps even damaged. Even if you are not these, but want to be, or will be these at times, there could be opportunity.       I know what I seek is difficult to find, especially on a long-term basis, so I would perhaps consider other arrangements, chat only, occasionals, part-time and so on, although my preference is for something regular, on-going, something where there is time to build deeper trust, explore hidden alleyways of the minds, to actually learn each other.            I'm not likely to be on here much, it is very much a case of nothing ventured, nothing gained. However I do get mail notifications, so anyone who does decide to message me will be read soon after.       Totally single, can travel, can accommodate

I am presently not owned. I have had interesting experiences in the past few years, and I am taking my time looking for the special person(s) whom I fit very well with. My interests have changed since I’ve written my profile, and my interests have grown.  I am looking for people who enjoy corruption sexually. Those who love engaging in humiliation and degradation.  Individuals who are looking for “untraditional” service submission. I may not be able to remember to check if you need drinks regularly or breakfast, but I bring other skills and talents to the table. My skills include butler service, administrative assistant, massage, cooking, and baking. Those who love non-monogamy and loaning out submissives. Out-of-the-box creative sadists. Please note that I want things to progress and meet up with individuals. The long-term goal should be to have an actual relationship. Things work out best with well-humored individuals who appreciate sarcasm and are skilled at being relatively evil, petting my hair and saying I’m such a good girl while pressing pressure points, bringing me to the floor.

You tell me not to worry.  But are we not all motivated by fear? Or desire? Are they two sides of the same coin? I crave climax but it is harder to come by. Do I need a new toy, or is the toy no longer enough? It's a strange thing to consider my libido as a post-menopausal woman? At whatever age, we are never properly balanced, hormonally. Our modern diet and lifestyle keep us out of whack. I am probably lucky I have a libido at all!  Should I tell you about the couple at the end of the bar? She was at least mid-40's, he was maybe a bit older, but both in fine fettle, and good looking. They seemed like a pair of old socks, but then he started groping her, his big hand planted just below her right breast, fingers spread wide. He rubbed her belly like she was a pet, but then would bring his hand back up. When he took his hand away, she crossed her arms. Was she trying to keep him away? When they stood to leave he wrapped himself around her from behind and she asked if he had always been such a big cuddler. She had a British accent, thus the use of cuddle.  Was I jealous? On my other side was a 9 year old boy with his dad. Equally entertaining!  I thought I would keep strolling, see what else I might wander into, but I decided to call it a day.  Now I can enjoy the Sunday scaries in the privacy of my own home. 

There he is, not too tall, gorgeous body, all man, all muscles, all mine. Kneeling and taking my rod like a hungry pup. I’m not going to lie, I’m a 57yo married bi man with a good looking uncut  rod enhanced by a metal cock ring. We spoke when he asked about my ring, he was fascinated. I always use it and never leaves my cock. I went to the gym and showered with it and wore no towel when I was out of the shower. That’s when he talks to me for the first time. One conversation led to the other and in day he asked me why I wore my ring and to my surprise if he could touch it. Right then and there I knew I had him. I offered to let him wear it to feel it but he hesitated. Why , I asked. He moved away and left.  The next few days he was distant but never far away. I kept my distance because I know every str8 male finds himself confused when it comes to like another man’s endowment. His brain is telling him one thing and his body is urging him to accept and surrender to the primal feeling growing inside. Eventually we met in the nearby cafe and he asked if he could sit with me. We spoke and again the cock ring came up. And I directed the conversation to our manhoods and how it is natural to look and compare. Then out of no where the question, “can you show me it again?” He is not interested in seeing my rod, so he says but I know the real motive. Later in the car I pulled up my rod but it was semi hard. “If you want to see it hard you either have to stroke it or suck it.” To my surprise he looked straight to my eyes and timidly at first he tasted his first cock. I leave the rest to your imagination. 

So I have a confession. I found someone I'm smitten with here and I still had to leave him with no reply. I realized you have to make hard commands here because so many are trained and untrained by all different variations of superiors. So I'm going to write my must/must not list to help you gauge if we should be communicating at all.  1. Must ask for permission to hold a conversation. I instantly read your profile to see who you believe you are. Not doing this is a pet peeve. It's like being outside and someone just starts talking to you before they ask if you have time to talk.  2. I'm in Atlanta and I frequent Houston because I'll also have a home there soon. I get bored easily so online play is so having someone local or that enjoys travel a lot is preferable. I have a 7 day attention span before im Annoyed with only chit chat so keep that in mind.  3. I am a serial entrepreneur so I don't have time for a 24/7 sub/slave situation. I already have 147 employees, meetings, and projaspects in my vanilla life. The part of my life you live is to allow me to explore my deviance along with worship aspaspects I so enjoy. Everyone needs a little kink but there is a time and place for everything.   4. I rarely play home, I belong to many clubs throughout the U.S. So my favorite types of play dates happen to be dinner drinks and maybe meeting a couple or two if you've been well behaved. I only play with things that belong to me.   5. I enjoy ritual admiration. I believe when you believe in something you will develop rituals to keep it close to your heart. It's the reason we use to pledge our allegiance to the flag or say Grace before we eat. Being able to honor your superior or superiors always makes me happy.  6. I'm not into non thinkers. I Need to be able to hold a conversation with you. I want to enjoy having you and if your stuff like a broom stick I won't be able. Its ok for me to ask how your day was and you give me a real answer not you've been in chastity since 6amim talking about did you speak to family, how was work,  what did you eat? I am a Mistress and a Goddess and a Woman I don't turn any of me off to be the others they are my trinity. I want you to be able to be you in it's entirety for me.  7. So many of you seem like you could be great if you had the right person leading you, but you have to remember to make genuine connections. I'm not interested in training someone I have interest in nurturing. I'm a lover and  unfortunately some times my love hurts a little lol. Sometimes my love demands a little from you but if you believe I'm worth worship you will do what's needed.    8. I'm a 8 life path so I'll leave you with this go listen to "Take me to church" by Hozier and remember me!   Lets have a conversation but remember rule #1 before you message. If you can't follow simple instructions you're wasting my time.

Feeding on the crumbs and starving She embraces different experiences with different people in different situations trying to quench the thirst that keeps building inside her. She wants to be in a collar on her knees .... she longs to feel her submission again, to turn over the reins that strangle her and hold her in top space. She understands her value in top space but it doesn’t feed her soul. She has been looking for years for the situation to change ..... thinking it will happen when its suppose to happen until then trying to feed her hidden side from the crumbs left about in these different situations. A little submission here, a little consensual non consensual there, just small almost minuscule crumbs. There are days where she decides it just isn’t a part of her anymore and she pushes away the feeling refusing to let it in and sometimes she succeeds for a while but the void continues to grow, the walls fall in on her and its the only thought in her mind. That is when it consumes her cruelty reminding her of her needs, her feelings, and her memories. Like a movie you cant turn off...... she can see herself so vividly, she can feel the feelings she once felt, she can taste the release in her obedience, she remembers being engulfed in him and in that moment she worried only for his want in her. She is coming back out slowly, kind of scared and kinda lurking. What drives her, what pushes her is the fire that burns, the thoughts she cant get out of her head, the feelings that linger like a drug to an addict ..... she is close to self domination for the first time in her life which is a very confusing thought for her ... she holds on gring at straws and living in her dreams...she doesn’t know how to approach people, she doesn’t know how to get close to people and she cant automatically trust .... these things will leave her with herself, her memories, her dreams

Life doesn’t give you breaks. The echoing silence of the house after work is a painful reminder of the voids that have been created in the past few years. James's memories are still fresh, like an unfinished story that replays in my mind every time I find a moment of quiet. The vibrant life he introduced me to, our moments of intimacy in the world of BDSM, and the painful void of his loss due to COVID. But this year, just when I thought I was gathering myself up, learning to stand again, another wave hit. Dad's gone. It's been four agonizing weeks since his heart failed him, and my world crumbled, yet again. Coming home, I see mom trying to cope, trying to smile for me, but her eyes betray the pain. As much as she leans on me, I lean on her. Between the bustle of the law firm, my weekend beauty appointments, and the humdrum of daily chores, it's these stolen quiet moments with mom that have become my solace. We share memories, of dad's quirks, of his love for spicy food, of the times he'd dance with me on old Bollywood numbers. this city feels so different without James and now, without dad's laughter ringing through the corridors of our house. The weekends are a . Between the shopping, the laundry, and the cooking, there's this constant underlying grief that seems to tag along. Sometimes, during my beautician shifts, I wonder what's next for me? Would I find love again? Or perhaps another purpose? My heart feels so brittle, afraid to hope, afraid to dream. Yet, with every sun that sets, there's a hope for a new dawn, a new beginning. I believe James and dad would want me to find happiness, to thrive, to make them proud. And so, I promise myself to take each day as it comes, to find little moments of joy and to cherish the love that I've been so lucky to experience.

Outcomes over urgency. When the roles change, so do the rules. Old paths seem to have a way of reopening because timing is always tactical... What's understood doesn't need explanation.     

Vacation!  It's finally here. A time I can relax and enjoy ... And process my future. I'm so damn old and I'm trying to figure out if I should settle. Just call everything off or hell continue just talking the talk but never walking the walk. This is a sufficient approach but every few weeks to months I'm gonna crash out and spiral downward... Ok so maybe not... The alternative is to find at my old, big back age the lifestyle I thought I was gonna live. Actually, the more I think about it my bf was supposed to be that and it gradually grew into this platonic vanilla relationship we have now. But I get to play as much videogames as I like and smoke. So maybe it's a good trade off. 2 activities I refuse to give up. They're my precious hobbies. I dunno. I gave myself 2 weeks to really figure out my life because I feel like I'm at a crossroads: stay or seriously go. I don't mind being alone. Loneliness sucks but that's not a factor for me. .. Ok maybe a very small one. It's not like my bf and I are fucking. That's another reason why to go but also sex isn't... It is... It's very very important but I want bdsm much more than just fucking. I didn't mean porn and I don't mean sessions...I mean lifestyle. I call it sex because it's what my master and I do. But it was more than just sex. It was control, mastery, manipulation, force, molding, and so much more. I can find one night stands and I'm left needing more. So maybe I should settle? Gah! I just don't fucking know.

I wrote a response and I am going to include in journal. Not so,  Words can be read, with the meaning behind them getting lost. Sometimes if not most of the time,  The answers are not on the surface instead they in the layers that are below.    It would be for those that go deeper, poke at the surface to discover what is so close.     I may have used to many words ..  My therapy is in the past, I put a lot of effort into proving what wasn't the answer I was seeking.    It took time, to not think to solve problems, find better solutions and do everything myself while trying to convince others to follow.   The loss was always relationships. I chose to take the relationship path before I met you    I had no idea the journey that followed.    When you say I am looking for someone to solve my problem for me on the contrary.    I try to steer from say things I don't want or not looking for.    I am not looking for someone to want to solve anything on my behalf or be that feel good help save the day desire.     It's hard not to find that behind the mask in a lot of profiles.    I seek a true selfish, Dominant woman that overlooks any interest in knowing what I may or may not want or have opinion.     Someone who expaspects my voice when called upon to speak. Someone who will not ask if it hurts or if I like something.   I am interested in your leadership, if you will treat property as an asset that gives you return on investment and time.  Will you maximize the asset you own and maintain while training to correct imperfections and lack of training before you owned it.    I look to sure see to a life I have only played out in my mind a thousand times. That there is no word no in my vocabulary.  It's prove you right never wrong.  To not ask or seek pleasure making you the focal point of why I exist.   For that is where I find purpose and a reason to be alive.  That is my nature something I tried to change.    I take what is needed from only that is given, all efforts are to improve and comfort and entertain my owner.   I accept it's still a challenge..   Yes if you say I look for someone to solve my problem. If looking for a qualified owner ?  I am seeking that.  My decision to surrender is precise. Your definition of property is precise.  I have only one choice then yes an owner does solve what ever problem may occur.  I am looking not for problems but some one to lead. 

Attention all Here is a cheat sheet for you: If you approach me without a greeting.... already not intrested I am not some fastfood place where you come and just place an order If you send me what YOU want to send me instead of what I asked for, I am moving on the the next email because obviously you either can not follow instruction, which is an important trait for a sub/slave OR you insist on doing things your way, which is NOT a good trait in a sub/slave Oh yeah, and the copy and paste thing, just shows you didn't take the time to read my profile and think we could be a match, just proves you mass mail and whoever responds is good enough for you. I've already moved on to the next message.  If you don't care why should I? There, hope that clears things up  

What I am looking for in a new partner? I identify as a Master who lives for consensual TPE M/s dynamics. I have been in the lifestyle for over 20 years. I am not a switch! I have experience in a lot of BDSM and SM practices and what I do not know I love to learn. Here is some information about me that you may need to know first before you decide if I am the one you wish to serve. If I sound particular and demanding-like, that’s because I kind of am. I don’t need quantity. I desire quality. I want one or two of the good ones; one with a whole actual, entire, functional, language-enabled brain who knows how to use it. One with a bit of passion and integrity about him. Anything worth having is worth the work and effort to make it happen. Building trust takes communication and continuous effort. It is something you must work at to keep and it is also one of the hardest things to regain once lost. That level of complete trust is what makes Master/slave dynamics work. But trust is needed on both sides. The Master has to trust the slave just as much as the slave has to trust the Master. Ok.. so here is what you need to know about Me: My preferred terms of address are MsPebbles or Ma’am. Anything else is not acceptable until you have earned it. I am a married cis woman with one child still living at home. I also have relationships with others. You need to be ok with not being the only person in my life. I am demisexual,demiromantic, and bisexual. I am a non-smoker, a social drinker and a lover of wine. My hard limits are sissification, age play, humiliation, degradation, scat, brat taming, race play, extreme breath play, death fantasy and bull/bbc culture. I will add to the list as I find things that I will not do. What I need in a dynamic is communication, honesty, transparency, respect, loyalty, effort, consistency, and service. Someone who enjoys pain is a plus but so is someone willing to explore new things. I am not just dominant in the bedroom. Having sex with me is not a guarentee for you. So if you think this is going to be just kinky sex with a woman in charge, please move along, we are not looking for the same thing. I am a compassionate, friendly, happy, relatively “normal” human who seeks compassionate, friendly, happy, and relatively normal men or women. What I mean by this is, while I am dominant and seek true power exchange with the right man or woman I also seek cuddles, conversations and yes I am going to say it … INTIMACY. G I know right? As a Dom I like control, A lot of it. Shocking right? I love s-types who are naturally and deeply submissive and who desire to give themselves freely and fully to me on My terms. I am looking for a sub/slave who is willing not just to get down on his knees, but also to be emotionally real with me. This involves communicating clearly about your emotions and who you are and what you need, not necessarily about all that you want. I want to dominate a mind and a soul, not just a body. Enough about me (I know, rare words indeed from a dominant). Let's turn the spotlight on you. What is it that I look for in a potential slave?

Im seeking a caregiver daddy not Dom who can maintain an online relationship that is based on consistent communication and abundant affection. I need to be taken care of, vs controlled.  I’m a married demisexual babygirl and need a daddy who embraces and encourages my childish nature. Someone who is supportive, protective, and affectionate. Who doesn’t disappear on a hard day. Consistently available is important as

Hello all,  Hope you dads are having a great day! Someone is suppose to come see me on Wednesday,  but I  forgot to write the name down. If you are reading this entry please get hold of me. You are a newbie. I have talked to so many since I  have talked with you. So get hold of me here.  

We now have our male slave we have completed training him so we now have the time to find one more female slave. We are considering have some part time subs all genders welcome to apply. For the part time position reply and answer the following questions   1. What day(s) can you you serve?   2. Are you local to the DFW area? If not can you reguarly make the trip to serve us?   3. What skills could you bring to us for service?   4. What are your kinks? Masocists to the front of the line.   5. What are you expecting out of this? Since this is a part time mainly playtime arrangement do not be afraid to tell us what you hope to get out of it.        We wiil not have any type of sexual contact with part time subs sorry but we have two slaves and since they serve 24/7 that is the one advantage they have over part time subs.   We are not looking to micro manage a part time subs life away from our house. However, part time subs will be required to follow house rules during visits and will not be treated differently than slaves in this regard.    We do expect part time subs to be present when they say they will be here. Life happens so yes sometimes you may have to cancel but if it becomes a reguar thing you will be released.        We will begin the part time sessions in January but you should begin to apply now.   

An evening, recalled by the lady, written by me.It was late afternoon and it had been a tough day at the Commission. His kiss when he met me at the station was warm and affectionate; we chatted on the way to the hotel and as we checked in. When we arrived in the room I dumped my stuff on the bed and went out onto the veranda to look out over the lake. A few minutes later I heard him say ‘come here please’. I turned to see him with an impassive look on his face and standing in the middle of the room pointing at the floor just in front of his feet. He took hold of me around my waist and as he kissed me deeply, his hands travelled from my waist down my hips and across my bottom. Then up my back to my neck and then he felt my hair. He murmured ‘give me your tongue’ and I slipped it between his teeth. He nipped it and held it between his upper teeth and tongue. It was uncomfortable but not painful, he had done it often before and I had grown to like it. His hands resumed their journey around my upper body. They were firm, confident and moved without any hesitation. I could not have ed even if I had wanted too and the welcome feeling of melting inside began. He then released my tongue, kissed my lips then he turned me around and bent me over so my elbows were on the bed. He lifted my skirt and folded it over my back. His hands then roved freely over my bottom and between my thighs. He felt my mons, traced the line of my slit and ran his fingertips between down the crease between my buttocks, pausing to press on my anus. He then held me firmly against his thigh and began to spank me- this had recently become a regular beginning to our time together. One spank per cheek, then two, then three, they landed on my upper thighs and the curve of my bottom. He stopped at six and spent a few minutes gently rubbing my bottom, occasionally slipping his hand between my thighs. At ten per cheek it was stinging a lot. By twelve I was having difficulty keeping still. It was the knowledge that if I moved he would start again that kept me in position. The spanking was not unexpected and it had the desired effect. I felt myself starting to melt inside even more as he rubbed my stinging bottom and thighs once again. He stopped and made me stand. Then looked me in the eye, and then said ‘I have a few issues to resolve with you’. My stomach took a lurch, I’d been here before, he had shown no sign of real annoyance with me recently but then he never really did. He took me by the chin, looked into my eyes and said ‘strip and kneel’. He then turned and went to the veranda. It only took a minute to remove all my clothes and jewellery. I knelt, apprehensive about his return, embarrassed it had been a warm day; I had been wearing tights and had not had the time to wash and prepare myself for him. My make up had gone and I knew I did not look my best. He returned and pushed me forward to my knees and elbows. Pulling back my hair he locked my leather collar around my neck. It felt strange after the long break since I last wore it. The wrist cuffs were fitted next before he clipped them behind my back pinioning my wrists. He pulled my collar by its short leash to make me kneel up and then buckled a gag around my neck and pushed the red ball behind my teeth before tightening   it. He turned me so my back was to the mirror and placed a low backed chair in front of me. He could now see both the back and front of me. Sitting on the chair he told me to part my thighs wide and to emphasise the point his foot nudged my knees wide apart. I hoped he wasn’t going to touch me between my thighs as he so loved too, I so regretted not taking a shower immediately we arrived in the room. From his pocket he took some butterfly style nipple clips. I hate them and he knows it, he threaded their chain into the ring at the front of my collar and after pinching my nipples between his thumb and forefinger to make them fully erect he clipped one to each nipple. The discomfort was almost unbearable, I instinctively closed my thighs, and he ed and gently tugged the chain, sending sharp jolts through me. I did as I was told and spread my thighs wide, pushing my mons forward as far as I could. The gag muffling my weak protests. He spoke slowly, jerking the chain on saying each word. ‘Three weeks ago you forgot your make up, two weeks ago your stockings, last week your high shoes. You have arrived in my company wearing tights for the last 4 weeks, hence the immediate spankings. You have not kissed or greeted me properly on meeting for the same length of time. You make up today is poor, your hair isn’t brushed and you have not left your pubic hair as I instructed. In short young lady you are marring your beauty. You are fully aware how beautiful I think you are and you are distracting from it by being sloppy and that disappoints me. I will not accept you detracting from the pleasure I take in having such a desirable woman as my lover. Do you understand?’ I nodded, my eyes starting to water from the discomfort in my nipples and the realisation of how I had disappointed him. There was also the knowledge that I had been here before and if it followed a similar pattern then this was the case against me. By nodding I admitted my guilt. So I was about to punished for being a sloppy and inattentive submissive who had disappointed her Dominant.  He helped me to my feet by lifting me by the collar on my ring; it also had the effect of tugging on my nipples. He reversed his chair and tugged the chain as he removed each nipple clip. It stung as the blood filled each nipple, my knees almost buckled each time, the gag muffling the g. He then connected my wrists cuffs in front of me, and bent me over the back of his chair so my weight rested on my elbows. ‘Part your legs’ he said, I complied and hoped he would decide to have me, not cane me. I was to be disappointed, though recently spanked I accepted I had earned this too. He fetched a cane from his bag as I waited anxiously. Holding the back of my collar he rested the cane against my bottom, drew it back and struck me. ‘One‘ he said. All I did was hear the sound then the harsh sting reached my brain! He was using the flat cane.  A piece of flexible wood two feet long, an inch wide and a quarter of an inch thick. It didn’t leave tram lines or scars; I knew its stinging would last for ages and leave a square red mark on each buttock, but it would not bruise very much. Not that it seemed important at that moment. Though I find the cane painful, the thonged whip he occasionally uses is worse. Its thick strands inflict weal’s and their tips can get into the most intimate parts of my body. I’ve also known him use it on my breasts and belly. Each cane stroke went slightly lower until the last 3 all struck where the tops of my thighs and my bottom met. My legs kicked out from the stinging, by now I had dribbled spittle around the gag, my eyes were streaming and my nose had started to run. He let go the back of my collar and returned the cane to his bag. Returning he pulled me upright by my collar and turned me to face him. I refused to look him in the eye; I must have looked a real mess. He took my chin again forcing me to look into his eyes. I felt so ashamed of my appearance. He had told me I was beautiful so very often and it made me feel so proud when he said it. Now I had let him down by being too complacent. He unclipped the wrist cuffs, reattaching then in front. He said ‘Do you understand what I have told you?’ I nodded. ‘Then get down on your belly on the floor and spread your legs, I haven’t finished with you yet.’ My mind raced, would it be the whip now, on my bottom? I knelt and lay on the floor, my bottom was really stinging and the carpet was rough against my sore nipples, my belly and mons. I spread my thighs wide, dipped my spine and waited. I heard the pop of a tube of lubricant being opened. It wasn’t the whip!! The lube felt cold against my anus as he applied just enough. He undressed, I could feel him looking at my prone body, the line of my sex and the rose of my anus. I was fully exposed because it was how he wanted me to be. He knelt between my thighs and pumped his cock to make the head larger. He spread my bottom cheeks with one hand and pressed his cock against my anus with the other. The tip entered me, it was so uncomfortable. I had forgotten how tight a caning made the cheeks of my bottom clench. He pushed into me, stretching me. I struggled and tried to object; he held me and reminded me of the presence of the whip. Once he was past the muscular ring I relaxed as the discomfort subsided somewhat; I felt the cool of his skin against my hot bottom. He reached and took hold of my hair and collar, pulling them back. At the first slow thrust he said ‘one’. The thrusts were slow and firm, they made my bottom sting though my anus soon adapted to the presence of his cock. He told me to squeeze my buttocks together as he withdrew his cock, and relax as he thrust in. I tried to do so; each time I failed he added two extra thrusts. He was punishing me and reminding me of his dominance by not taking pleasure from the stimulation my anus could give him. It was a reminder that sexual pleasure could not be an excuse for a lack of submission. It was a relief when he reached 100 and stopped counting and thrusting. I was glad he was no longer forcing my nipples against the rough carpet, and his tummy was no longer making my sore bottom sting more. But I immediately missed the closeness and intimacy of the man I so wanted yet had disappointed. He pulled me to my feet by my collar, removed the ball gag and lifted my chin. I must have looked a real mess as I worked my jaw to stop it aching, I certainly felt a mess and I promised him and myself not to let my appearance or behaviour slip again. He kissed me and said he loved me; I’m not sure if it made me feel any better- or if it was supposed to! He led me by the arm into the bathroom and told me to wash his cock and balls. I took a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I looked horrendous! Mascara running, the marks of the gag around my mouth, spittle around my chin and collar and my nose running! I looked away ashamed as he wet a towel to clean the lube from between my buttocks. He turned me around so my back was to the mirror and rubbed the wet towel firmly between my buttocks, it stung where it touched the red marks.  I heard him say, ‘You have 30 minutes until dinner. Be ready on time.’ I knew that I would make him the proudest man alive when he let me take his arm to dinner. 30 minutes wasn’t long. But I so wanted to see that look of desire in his eyes that I would ensure I was just as he wanted me to be. I knew just how good he would make me feel in return. He went to the veranda to watch the sun set. I set to work, though I did sneak a look at the red marks on my bottom. They made me feel strangely proud because they were his marks and I had submitted to him. He had put them there and there was nothing I could have done about it even if I wanted to. Now I didn’t know what he was going to do with me later, but after being disciplined he always had something special planned for me!