VampiressWrath

Hello Darlings! I like to thank everyone for the gifts. I will be writing my blessings and wishes to you shortly by post. I experienced a horrid man last night. This man immediately went into sex and kinks. He seeked to feed off of my energy. I knew all about this man especially how he is in the real world. I hate hypocrites! I didn't give him what he needed and called me by another name that I am too familiar with.Personally this whole month is going to be about me and my sister caring for ourselves by giving ech other the goddess treatment. We deserve it after the diasterous outcome that the nation decided to vote on. I will not make a space nor share a meal with the same people who believe a woman's body belongs to a man. A woman's body belongs to a woman. My sister seeks a man to keep her safe to solve her problems. I am going to remind her that all the stregnth she needs is within herself. I am looking at some goods especially recipes that I think will be great for the new year. I know some of my worshippers want to know my origin story about how I became a goddess. Maybe I will reveal it here or not at all. I love a man that is secure and confident in themselves. I had met a man who was buying makeup and he looked so amazing. I am on my mooncycle which means I desire a lot of worshippers today. My candlestand treated me with buying oreos and my favorite carmeal coffee drink from Starbucks. My candlestand is in chasity right now. He isn't allowed to cum until my period is over. I am arranging for my sister to follow a bail out plan to help reduce her debt that she aquired from poor decisions and trying to fill an empty space. She is doing challenges for next month. I hope she enjoys being pushed to socializing with society. I am Ledusa and I demand nothing less than perfection.

Black Friday yesterday was a nightmare. I managed to injury myself at work and spent the whole day today resting. It was torture for me. Lexi was the worst kind of nurse stopping me everytime I hobbled along to do something. She mainly barked and hung on my jean shorts in an attempt to stop me. Capone is musing over my plight and Wayne is still the handsome devil that he is. Ledusa is dormant at the moment. She probably out tonight trying to find her footstool. I think I should go back to dating again. I deserve happiness and can't do that by constantly putting my love life on hold.Or even neglecting my love life at all. I miss the romantic gestures and the feeling of romance in the air. I just can't seem to commit. It mainly based on the fact that a man damaged me so deeply and badly; that I keep my heart guarded. I know I want to date someone of asian decent and someone that loves cooking and attentive. Have you heard of the clapbacks that gay men are making? They said that if the government is taking away same sex marriages. They will start dating their women and be in the lavendar marriage. Being married to a hot gay male where he doesn't have to sleep with me, emotionally available and respaspects me? It sounds like something that I would sign up for. I want to be loved for me and to be able to submit willingly not by the need to survive nor to get ahead in life. I want to submit because it is the only thing left for me to do. My ideal situation would be that a man is able to care for me and marries me. He is realiable, have stable environment for me to thrive on and able to feed my sexual curiousity. And able to feed my intellect as well. My godmother is tired of my bachelorette life and wants to arrange a marriage again. Her last match was the one that messed me up and I rather not relive the trauma again. I better go. I hear Ledusa at the door.

Hello Darlings and Happy Thanksgiving! My sister and I have been very busy cooking for the whole family. My sister is always wearing herself out putting effort in the feast. She lugs around a tote full of groceries and not a single man offer to help her. You call yourself men but you can't do something simple as help a woman carry something heavy by herself.You might as well just be rugs or tiles on my feet. Speaking of my feet, I am still seeking a footstool to prop up my tired soles. My candlestand have been very helpful as of late. He brought groceries in, fed the dog Lexi, and even was able to provide my herbal green tea. Black Friday will be tomorrow which means I cant be able to drink my lovely Pinot Noir from Vampire Blood wine company. It is such an inconvience to be working so early in the morning but it can't be helped.I have a huge crush on the Kpop singer Jungkook. He is the perfect man to marry since he is young, pure white skin, fashonable, and a close similarity to the deity status I try to uphold. I have been getting a lot of disturned men protesting my journal entry of my teaching to a man about me. My response to that is this: I will teach any man dispite his political beliefs, social status or even his occupation their true calling. I will not apologize for my way of reeducating them to be more of  what they should be. They should be servants to us women while we stay in our goddess energy. My candlestand is begging to worship my honey ark again. He seems to not be able to get enough. He is always lapping it up making me spill my honey over his face mutiple times. He hasn't even finish sucking off the rest of the honey still on his face.I have put a chastity cage on my candlestand for Thanksgiving day. He isn't allowed to cum until Christmas Day. He is so happy about this especially when I stepped on his swollen testicles reminding him not to touch his member. His rod is for MY pleasure alone not his. My godmother came over to get the feast started by opening a bottle of hard cider. I am to rest a bit until I can confront that woman. She is the reason why women are depicted as weak and unable to fend for ourselves. My sister is waiting for a particular man to come around for the feast. I told her to not hold her breath. He never follows through and he will always disappoint her. I decided to lend her my candlestand to use as she pleases. She doesn't like to do it and feels like she is making them less than human. She has a good heart but so naivie. I have to go the delicious kelp breakfast shake isn't going to make themselves.I am Ledusa and I demand nothing less than perfection.

Hello Darlings! Ledusa is here to report about my well being and the new world order where old white men reign supreme over women's bodies. I defy that logic by being the goddess that I am. The constant reminder of why women are the ones that brings life into the world and why we also bring out the worst possible hell on Earth. My candle stand and I are going to help these so called doms realize their true calling. One humilation at a time. Today I had a Trump supporter who intruded on my space while in line to checkout some necessities.He had this belief of "your body. my choice" type of thinking. I quickly disposed that notion by stating that the only reason why he couldn't get a woman because he can't be able to satisfy one nor big enough to  hit that spot. People laughed at him while I walked away. He was waiting for me at the parking lot. He pulled me in his van. He tried to rip my clothes off. I manage to knock the wind out of him with a calculated aim to his thorat. While he was down, I pepper sprayed his eyes. I also tased him to keep him down while I handcuffed him to the backseat.  I made sure he was on his belly when I did that.  I pilgramed his groceries and saw some subsititues for my usual toys. I took a gatorade and poked a hole in it. I took some creamy mayo and slapped it in his ass. He had fecal matter all over it. It looked like he hasn't washed nor wiped in months.I shoved it in his ass. He cried when I shoved it in. It took hours for all of it to be in. I whispered in his ear "your body, my choice". I took out a bottle of wine and after dumping it on him. I put the neck of the bottle in and shoved it in him. No prepping. No easing it in.I rammed him nonstop not relenting. My arms had the best workout ever. Ilove hearing him scream and shout. I hate that he couldn't last longer but I loved the fact that his friends all saw the nice photos of him I took. I exposed a cheating husband on Facebook to the whole world. I hope his wife is more forgiving like my sister. If not, he has a position with me as my new dog. My candle stand kindly washed my hands in rose oils and lavander. Then he cooked me a lavish meal of mushroom risttio with beef wellington and lovely garden salad with light avacado ranch dressing. It was very filling. My sister neglected her appearance again and her finances are troubling. I will straighten them out in no time. I made pumpkin spice cookies and gave my candle stand some too. Now I need a footstool to rest my tired sore feet. I wouldn't mind having them washed in oils too. Especially when I am a goddess after all. I am Ledusa and I demand nothing less than perfection.

I believe that the world need the gorgon sisters and Ledusa now. I decided to let my sister come time to time to write in this journal; since I got positive reviews from submissive men that they want to see Ledusa more. Besides Ledusa is more ruthless to the so called men than I am. You will know when she is writing since he has a different writing style than mine.

Yesterday I spent time with my younger brother. Racial attacks started and already feel like I need to tiptoe very carefully. I am researching to see if I can do what my ancestors did; migrate to Canada and just seek asylum there. I am not alone in this thinking. Thousands of other people are thinking of migrating to different countriesin fear of safety and retelation. I haven't spoken to Capone at all lately due to work and fighting my inner demons. I hope he isn't getting any harassment from others. I hope Wayne is doing ok too. Lexi is going to vet to go through regular health check. She didn't like being followed behind getting her poo and urine collected for testing for ringworms. I hope the gloam will fade once I am in safe asylum. Or at least under protection from a strong alpha dom.

Hello Darlings! So I have been busy with dealing with sibling drama and work. My sister and I argued about her man hoarding. She thinks she can surround herself with admirers, it can help her fill that empty space of hers.She wants to feel safe, secure, and appericated. She needs to feel wanted for more than just sex and to be the bride finally. I am telling her she doesn't need that many to cater to. She just need one man that stands out of the crowd to make her feel like she is the only one in the world. She just needs to feel reasured that she is irreplaceable. Work was ok but slow. My manager getting on my ass about sales when it has been very slow. I suggested to hold more events to bring customers in but to no avail.I decided to act on some of my ideas which became popular. Oh my goddess! My male servant managed to please me very much for the past two days. I instructed him not to jerk off for forty-eight hours. He did that with no problem. I had him on my front desk on all fours as I gave him three full enemas. He had to keep them in otherwise he will be shocked. He kept them in for as long as he could. Sweat was breaking out on him when he struggled to keep it in. I needed light so I can write. I stuck a candlestick in his ass. Insturcted him to keep it in while I write. He was very good. I rewared him with a handjob occassionly now and then. Once I was done writing I noticed he started leaking. I slapped him firmly on his ass to remind him to keep it all in. I enjoyed myself by taking out my ogre didldo and started riding it in front of him. He was so thristy for my divine honeypot that he wanted to use me. I made him watch as I cream all over this orge cock. I made him clean my toy up with his mouth while I rubbed my wet pussy on his back.He was gagging and chocking on it. I grabbed my harness strapped the wet dildo on it then made him give me a blow job. I made him deep thorat at least four inches of it. I pulled the candle out and replaced it with my dildo. He came instantly when I put it in. I started fucking his ass first, then I had him ride me like a dirty manwhore he is. I decided to let him cum all over himself. He let out a huge load which he made a huge mess on me. After the clean up, we both agreed that we were a match. After all, that was the best candlestand I ever had. Now I am ready to get a new footstool to rest my feet. I am Ledusa and I demand nothing less than perfection. 

Hello Darlings! So today I have been doing ok.My sister is still having issues with choosing her king. Thank goddess I don't have that problem. She is so terrified of being a bad girl and not hurt people's feelings. She ends up doing so anyway. Work was ok but so dull. i thought I was going to see a hot goth boy, instead I was babysitting a normal businessman. He is asking me tons of questions and I am unable to get my kicks of being the goddess I am.A man approach me to see if I would let him submit to me. I put him to the test. I used him as an candle stand. He is very useful. Especially when the wax is making him excited. I told him to put his candle out by himself. He is so obedient. I watched him plow into a fake torso dolland pump his useless seed in it. I love how much of a load is coiming out of the doll. He asked if he could be my submissive. I told him that he still has one more test to do before I could say he is my sub. But I have no doubt he will do fine with it. Especially when he took the candle so well. I am Ledusa and I demand nothing less than perfection.

Hello Darlings! I am starting to understand my sister and her love to care for others. Just as she is understanding the importance of self care for herself. Recently I have been sought after by ghosts of past life. Have it not been for my sisters intervention, I probably be dead. I can't explain how utterly confused yet serenely puzzled by her act. She didn't gain any status or rewarded any montary value, so why did she risk her self preservation on me? I finally got a name to the man that I ruined. He crawled back for more and begged me to take him on. I told him I am a goddess that demands high quality. He got disgusted with me and left. I feel my sister clawing back into her body. It feels like a minor migarine when she comes in me. Today she wants me to do minor shopping for her to buy a few things for her Halloween. She loves to give candy to the children but mostly loves to show off her costume. I prfer going to a charity ball with a nice evening gown adorned with diamonds and to be auctioning off dances to raise money. I also gave life to my beautiful trauma. She figured out why I have this pure hatred toward inferior men. She taught me to be ok to grieve and that my anger in blocking me from the bigger picture. I am thinking about contacting Capone just in favor of my sister.I owe her at least that much. A male submisive approched me and wanted a mistress. I told him I am a godddess not a mistress. He started kissing my feet and reaching for my royal honey. I slapped him and asked him who gave him permission to touch me like that. He quickyly apologized and I burned him with hot candle wax. I turned him into a foot stool. I kept mulling over the concept of chialvry my sister presented. I needed to use the bathroom. I had him drink my golden elixir just to keep him satisfied. I told him to get me excited by jerking off and if Iwas I would let him bed me properly. He kept jerking his man meat and I was aroused a bit but not enough. I I decided to step on his manhood with my feet and let him cum from me stomping on his balls. He came instantly. I left him spent and I just went to sleep with my sister asking to see her lover before I driftedd off to sleep.I need to buy her new shoes for her soiree she will be attending. I am Ledusa and I demand nothing less than perfection.

Hello Darlings! I haven't been on her for a couple of days but short recap. I managed to get toothpaste and whitening to get the pearly whites back. I had an encounter with a so called alpha male. He demanded for me to automatically submit to him. I flatly refused since he is just a poor excuse for a man. He didn't take kindly to my observation. In fact, he gripped my arm and said I will show him respect. Respect?!? I swear that knob has no understanding of the word respect. I decided to teach him that lesson. I got him good and drunk. I had a nice taxi driver help me get to a hotel safely. I pretended that the lush was my partner and he helped me bring him in bed.Now for the prep,I always carry my discipline tools just in case of scenarios like this. I first undressed the bastrad, then slipped an adult diaper on him,put a ball gag on him, i also handcuffed him to the bed, i took off my regular casual clothes I was wearing for a night out, I slipped on black mini dress, and finally I got a spread bar and cuffed his ankles to them while i also hooked them to his wrist. All I had to do was wait for him to wake up. He woke up alright with his muffled screams and pitful struggle to get free. I asked what was wrong. Does he not like the new attire I am wearing? I let the ball gag off for a moment before I showed him a picture of him now on his phone. I threatened to send it to everyone if he made a peep. He called me sick fucking bitch and a psycho. Something I am used to being called for centuries. He wanted me to let him go but I refused. Instead I timed when the laxative was going to kick in. He complained about his stomach hurting. I told him that I gave him a laxative while he was drinking. I would let him go if he managed to keep his diaper dry. I had fun with it by twisting his nipples and started rubbing his digusting cock with a wand through the diaper.He was struggling so hard to keep it in. I decided to step it up by doing a little shock therapy. After a few shocks and some pleadings later, this foul smell emitted the room. He soiled all over his diaper. Like any dutiful mother would do, I first took pictures of him then I removed the diaper using his clothes to wipe him up. I, of course, had to clean his insides out with an enema. I told him to hold it in. His dick was surprisingly hard from this exchange. I can't believe this curd was excited about his ordeal.He denies it obviously since he is in denial of his true calling. I instructed him that if he holds it in long enough during my assaults. He gets to punish my royal sacred flora. I started jerking him off then rubbing my wand on his erect cock.He was so cute with holding on especially since I laid out plastic bags under him and his already soiled clothes on it. I wanted him to release it already. I started rubbing lube on it. I even rubbed anal lube in his tight virgin anal orifice. He is starting to moan and I punish him by whipping him with my leahter belt.Focused on his ass. It was deeply satisfying to see the sweat breaking out on him when he tried not to cum on his face. Then I decided to suck his cock. He kept moaning and I was pinching him everytime he moaned. It wasn't about his pleasure. It was about my pleasure. I stopped right before he was about to cum. I started to go back to fingering his ass again. I managed to put two fingers in him now. He was in so much agony. Finally I went back to sucking him again this time twisting his nipples and it seemed like he was about to cum again. I stopped then whipped his ass again with a belt. He expelled the water all over the soiled clothes again. He went limp then it was my turn. I had an average dildo but I need a bigger one. I started with the tip at the entrance of his anus. He kept struggling and pleading with his eyes for me not to do it. I slammed the whole thing in his ass. In an instant, he came all over his face. I had fun ramming that dildo in and out in and out. Slow. Slow then fast then back to slow. He was starting to get used to my strokes and I slapped his ass to make it tighter. I kept at it what seem to be hours until he finally unload his useless sperm on his face again. He passed out. I took pictures and sent group text of his humilating state. I didn't know he was married or at least he used to. I had a refreshing bath and changed back to my normal clothes. I texted his former wife the address of the hotel and told her where the keys for the cuffs are. I took the spread bar with me since it was my favorite toy. The hand cuffs I can always replace. I never felt exhilarated in my life to the point I was soaking wet from it all. My sister didn't approve of my methods but was glad i was safe. I haven't seen that malcontent again. Though i wish I did. He would of made perfect use as furntiure. I am Ledusa and I demand nothing less than perfection.

Hello Darlings! So today I went matress shopping since my old one needed retirement. I am really excited for it.Capone hadn't come around probably for the best.I keep having these random migarines just minor nothing serious. My sister sometimes talk to me since  we both share the same body. I mostly see her through the mirror. She complains about me being rude but I am just upgrading her mindset. I hate to see her degrade herself by choosing to date less than she deserves. She deserves the sacred goddess treatment not the lowly peasant treatment. She takes whatever she can get and neglects her needs and wants. It makes me so upset with her. I took a shower this morning and my skin feels amazing. My nails are so beautiful and long. I think getting a proper manicure would suffice. She neglected this perfectly smooth skin and I bought a new face to help bring back her youthful self again. Now I need to find proper worshippers for her temple.I have a few in mind. Mainly I am going to try and bag a business man. Knowing my sister, she will try to screw it up by choosing moral grounds over love versus being smart. I can't let her destory her chances to be in the big leagues if she keeps making these stupid decisions. Anyway Her choices of shoes are very limited. So my main focus is get new shoes and some bras. I am going to lay out the concrete foundation for success.I need some male servants to entertain me for the time being. I need a driver to drive me around and present me in public places. And most importantly, I need a man that doesn't want kids but wants to spoil me as much as humanly possible. Ugh I need to get my beauty nap. I took some advil and seem to be a bit drowsy.I am Ledusa and I demand nothing less than perfection.

Hello Darlings! This is Ledusa and I would like to be addressed as your goddess or queen. I woke up with a pounding headache yesterday. I felt groggy and disorienated that morning. I read through her journals aka my sister's journals and honestly I am disappointed. Why is she letting dusty malcontents worship her temple and they did nothing to earn it? Ra is this loud megaphone with no physical form. I respect his divine male energy but just can't take a man like that serious. Capone. Really? I can't believe any woman let alone a breathing one would be with that. I think he should date someone around his age. I heard there is a bingo night on sundays for the elderly. I can't believe she hasn't taken care of herself. I mean she treats herself as lowly as a slave and she has this peasant mentality. I have so much work to do before my brief life in this month completely disipate. Starting with her face, I mean I can't believe this face has erased my efforts reducing to a plain Jane. Her hair is so neglected and damaged. I need to do extra care for it. Adjusting to this work schedule. I have to be sickly sweet to customers which is so gag. Her brothers immediately sense the change in her. I need goddess treatment meaning focus on myself, embrace my divine femine energy and provide growth to myself. Divine masculine is more than just being able to carry heavy things and fight for her goddess. But also be intelligent as Odyseuss but clever like a fox. They have to be providers and not babies. No asking to split bills nor making her pay for a date. And a true goddess doesn't take advantage of a man by making him pay for a enormous bill: if they have no intention of continuing a date. Also Men should respect our bodies and the work we do when we take care of the cleaning of the house, taking care of kids and trying to maintain our beauty. No wonder we start becoming more like goddesses and less and less support from the masculine energy. I am Ledusa and I demand perfection.

I only have 36 hours before this entity takes full hold of me. I am going to a coworker's retirement party this coming month. I will be bringing mead. I have also been flirting with a bartender to get free drinks and admissions to a bar I want to go to. He has stub of a dick but I think I can get him to do anything with just the right persuasion. Capone is working as usual and I am starting to believe maybe he is borderline right winger. Just don't know yet. Ra is always blowing me up. I think he wants to control me yet; He can't control the demoness in me. I have been fighting so hard but I don't want to fight it anymore. I want to let it go and I love how it feels. I love how she feels flowing through my veins. Hurricane Helen didn't even leave a dent in Florida. Just heavy rains and a few junk askewed everywhere. I am thinking of buying myself a Supernatural hoodie since my bitch took it from me. I want so bad to get rail roaded out of existence. I feel like no man have the balls to do what I need them to do. I had a dream last night I was being power fucked by a lycanthrope while I made my partner watch. After he was finished, I let my partner do the clean up. I want to hook up with a Russian man to see if they have the ballls to conquer the queen of mischief and seduction.

My bestie was in a three day depression over a girl who lied to him about wanting something serious then bailed on him. I am bored out of my mind over the constant pursuit from men about wanting sex slaves without earning the title.Winding down to the end of the month, my devil side is coming out. I have two personalities in me. Two parts of me is struggling for control. The one where I get more appeal from the dominant men and there is the one scratching at the psych of my mind. I gave this entity a name since she was created during the time when my purity was taken from me by force. She is angry all the time, resentful, wrathful. She hates men and consider them useless just reducing them as sex toys and workers. Her hatred is rooted from her disappointments in her failed relationships of wanting to be worthy of being their wives not their pleausre sluts. Birthed from her anguish and tears, Ledusa is the anti chirst of men. She gets off of hurting men with sodomy and bondage. She wants them to feel exactly how she feels everyday when she tries to impress them and show them that she is worthy to be their bride. She wants them to feel less than when she brings a bull in the room to take pleasure in her troves while you are helplessly watching with a vibrator in your ass. She desires to see the despair in your eyes when she starts to edge you nonstop but never letting you have release. If she manages to give release, it wouldn't be inside her temple. It will be in another man's temple where he floods him with his milk. She wants to see the shame when after the blindfold is pulled off his eyes, he realize he released his useless sperm inside another low male. Finally She wants them to feel the unbearable pain when she shocks them or even cums in their face without even touching her. She desires this so much. I keep her locked up in my mind for the majority of the spring, summer and winter. Yet it always happen towards of the end of this month till the end of October, Ledusa always come out to play. Hence why I try to find my true dom. I need them to put Ledusa in her place. I need a strong dom to break her in such a way that she disappears. If a dom can be able to break a domme entity in such a way where she becomings their loyal pet. They have my undying respect and I am theirs at this point. But only if the entity Ledusa is completely erased from my existence. Unless they themselves enjoy this sadist domme 

I pissed off two men this morning. I wish I could care that hurt feelings but due to the constant abuse. I just don't anymore. Ra is upset about me being pursued by other men because they see value in me as much as he does. He wants me to take him seriously but I really don't since he isn't offering anything that I haven't seen before. Capone is upset about my last journal entry and just me stating an opinion. Wayne is also upset with me. I think i can win him over with a big chunky piece of catfish. I swept the hallway today. I am still spotting blood a bit. The blood clots are getting smaller to. I have conversed with the guy with the seizures. We will call him Benjamin. Ben is getting a job as a security guard and discovered his seizures are more psychological. Apparently high emotions trigger seizures. He still begged me to take him back. He even got me my favorite candies: snickers, reeses, and a bunch of dark chocolates. Last night, He came over and put me in this risque bear hug. I had nothing on but a long towel to wrap myself in when he knocked on my window. He kept apologizing for just letting me go. I made a attempted to slap him but instead he grabbed my arm and held me trying to prevent me from hitting him. In the process of our struggle, my towel dropped baring my temple. I went to retrive it but instead he insisted on getting it for me. He kissed me first then trailed his wonton kisses to my neck, between my mounds of flesh, my navel then he kissed me in my flora center, the pure shock of pleasure rushing through me I almost collapsed there in the driveway, he held me in place. He picked up the towel in front of me then started caressing me with it as soon as it reached my shoulders. He wrapped it around me. Telling me how much he missed my taste and the sweet melodic sounds of my moans. I quickly went back inside and went to bed. This morning Ben was gone but he left a small slip of paper stating: let me earn you.

I feel like today I become the powerful seductress Lilth. I have 3 men confess their love for me. I am still fuming about the other guy who dumped me because of long distance which was a lie. It was because of the severe casears that he has and it was his way to protect me. I m mad because he took my choice to decide whether or not I should stay. Now after typing this, i realized that I was also doing that to Lucia when I wanted to protect him from my tendency to be bored easily and needing excitement. I guess maybe I should forgive him since it isn't any different than what i did to Lucia. I have talked to a diabetic photographer and he confessed his love for me. He even wanted me to marry him but I refused. I amconstantly looking for the next thrill. Capone and Wayne are begging for my undivided attention especilly Wayne with his potato furball self. Capone is a security guard kind of like Paul Blart minus the segway but double the doughnuts and coffee. Ugh why can't I find my true north in relationships? I just want my true dom to collar and devour my carnal lust senselessly. I want to be submissive and a woman again.

I can't sleep since my body is acting for something that is missing. i have three loans out plus paying off a debt i have with my brother over pizza. i only have one dollar to my name and just tired of struggling so much to make ends meet. I am actually thinking about moving closer to work but I can't afford an apartment by myself at the moment. I woonder why men don't know how to pleasure a woman. They always get satisfaction from us women but then it is over. I miss my conversation with Mortimer and Mjounor. Especially Mortimer since we talked mainly about the beauty of the ocean and about mythology. especially about an old irish folkore about the Nacken. An evil water spirte that lures his victims to the water by playing the fiddle then drowns them. My body aches to share my bed with a true dom and welcome life intothe world. My true dom who is intelligent, educated, funny and fit. Young but have inner strength. But alas I must lay in bed again by myself or be a warm body for others until my true dom collars me

I had a busy work week. I was nonstop doing work plus a few days I had to clock in early to help out in the store. Dr. Mortimer and I have plesant and engaging conversations. We talked about each other's hobbies and about the beach. He sails but I prefer watching the sea life below. If only I could swim it would be great. I want to get the mermaid fins and swim that way. I think it will be entertaining if i managed to see the beauty under the sea that way. Capone is moving along with Wayne to a new apartment building. I bet Wayne is just laying around as usual and causing Capone grief from time to time. I have been keeping up with the payments on the loans that I made in the past with my ex Saber. I have been focused on rebuilding my credit and managed to do well with that. I use Experian to monitor and repair my credit. I also used Affirm app to get loans and pay them off. I seem to be very good at that versus actually finding the dom perfect for me to latch on to. I want to cook hot meals again once I pull myself out of the red. I miss being loved and wanted. mortimer usually messages at this time. I better wrap this up. I have to do laundry today so i have something to wear for work. Wish me luck for today!

Yesterday was international lion day and smores day. My younger brother always have me bringfood from work if food was involved. Meerkitty was in a huge jam. He loaded $105 dollars on his Lyft card and still couldn't use it without a bankcard. I told him that he could use mine but only for Lyfts strictly. I trust him that he wouldn't use it for anything else but the purpose it was for to begin with. Capone is enjoying his patrol job. He seems to be taking a liking to it. wayne as usual is laying around begging for treats and occasionally biting Capone. Jafar tried to get me to yield but I couldn't. Yes he is a good working man and yes he is very kind to me. But I can't submit to someone that I feel no urge to yield. Mojounor and I haven't spoken as of late. I guess I scared him off with the fact of changing my appearance to be more desirable is off the menu. It is sad howeve of how it ended. I will miss the philsophical debates and exchanging knowledge of his thinking. i was looking forward to be bare on a fur animal rug in front of a fireplace drinking a horn of mead. Just like the vikings did.What is with the attraction torward single fathers? First it was Meerkitty and his fiver year old child. Now I am dealing with a handsome father of a teenager. He is a neurotatican and full time dad of a very intelligent child. He wants to be a ordinary vanilla man during the day but a master of his domain during the night. I revel at the thought of a man like that to take in my temple. We have been talking for awhile and feel this instant intrigue. I am nervous about trying to create a bond with a child almost fully baked and ready to leave the nest. Yet the challenge excites me more so. 

Yesterday was international lion day and smores day. My younger brother always have me bringfood from work if food was involved. Meerkitty was in a huge jam. He loaded $105 dollars on his Lyft card and still couldn't use it without a bankcard. I told him that he could use mine but only for Lyfts strictly. I trust him that he wouldn't use it for anything else but the purpose it was for to begin with. Capone is enjoying his patrol job. He seems to be taking a liking to it. wayne as usual is laying around begging for treats and occasionally biting Capone. Jafar tried to get me to yield but I couldn't. Yes he is a good working man and yes he is very kind to me. But I can't submit to someone that I feel no urge to yield. What is with the attraction torward single fathers? First it was Meerkitty and his fiver year old child. Now I am dealing with a handsome father of a teenager. He is a neurotatican and full time dad of a very intelligent child. He wants to be a ordinary vanilla man during the day but a master of his domain during the night. I revel at the thought of a man like that to take in my temple. We have been talking for awhile and feel this instant intrigue. I am nervous about trying to create a bond with a child almost fully baked and ready to leave the nest. Yet the challenge excites me more so. 

Meerkitty and I went to the movies to watch Deadpool 3. It was hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing that it made my sides hurt. Meerkitty smuggled his usual vises his milk and cookies. I swear he should steal a whole cow and get the milk that way since he loves milk so much. Capone has been taking a lot of night security jobs lately. I hope it has not to do anything  with Wayne being demanding. I haven't interacted with Wayne in a long awhile. He tends to give Capone a hard time especially biting him a lot. I swear one day Capone might actually get sick of it and let him starve just to see how long he can survive on just his fur fat alone. My period started and i was in so much pain. I was on my side in bed curled up in a ball wishing for the pain to subside. Lately I have be demanding the best of a man and raised the bar instead of lowering since lowering it cause me to experience the poor excuse of men. Yes that includes the ones that will want the woman to pay for everything on a first date that he invited her on. Or the man that has her woman work two and sometimes 4 jobs to keep the household going but rather be at home pretending to be the king of his castle without working nor paying bills. I am planning on trying on bras that i deseperately needed and a few tops too. I need lingerie as well not because I am seeing someone but because I want to feel sexy and beautiful.

Today is the family gatheirng aka family reunion. I was able to weasel out of it since it takes a long time for me to get ready. Plus I can't stand the eyes letting me know I am being judged. My mom always gossip about me and my brothers and I really don't want to subject myself to anymore critisum than I get now. Meerkitty is excited about the new Deadpool movie as much as I am. I manage to get enough snacks to smuggle into the movie theatre. Jafar is still pushing for relationship that I am not willing to give. I can't say I want something when I feel nothing for it. Mjounr actually pointed out that I need to reduce the "masters" in my life. Meaning I need to start priortiozing my happiness over someone else's. I am mom to my brothers by keeping the dishes clean and cooking meals and grocery shopping. I never was given money for any of it. I am the one that do minor repairs and try to keep the house in order and still no help there. I am the caregiver that looks after Lucias and calm him down from his episodes and make sure he takes his medication and constantly make sure he is at his therapy appointments. I constantly have to shove my feelings of anger, depression and my insecurity down just to put up a front with the fear of being made fun of. I still value my family and my friends, I just need help getting a quick recharge. Someone close by that actually appericiates me and loves my curves and my quirks. I need a man that can actually help with my heavy load not add on to it. I have to go I need to wash this Nair off before it starts peeling off my skin again

Meerkitty and I had some good conversations today. He is spending time with his child in a few days. I admire his devotion to his child since it says a lot that he is willing to put his child first before anything. I have been having a hard time sleeping mainly due to exhaustion. Jafar has been reaching out to me trying to understand why I can't be romantic with him just friends. I just want to be taken care of sometimes. Besides I am tired of always constantly being both the man and the woman in my life. I don't even remember the last time I have been to a nice fancy restaurant where I was able to wear makeup, heels and a beautiful dress that accented my best assests. I am usually the one where I always have to travel just to get the guy. For once, I would like to be treated as the rare treasure that I am. My friend Luicas is having surgery next week. He has this diease where his spine tends to start to bend in uneven angle versus straight like normal spines should. I am nervous because of how delicate this procedure is. I just hope he will be ok. Mjounor and I have some few conversations where I am hoping my brothers will acutally be inspired to want to work like me. It feels nothing i do works. Other men in my life work and they actually enjoy having their own money to spend. I don't understand why they don't want that. My parents don't help because they always try to add more road blocks to  hinder my growth not expand it. Mjounor suggested to create a situation where they forced to either sink or swim. It seems cruel to me since family is always suppose to help each other.Yet it seems to be always be out for themselves. I am trying to reconnect to my brothers and broke ties with my parents especially my mother. It is the hardest decision I had to make for myself. Because as speaking from a daughter's perspective, we desire their mothers to be proud of them. For them to tell them that they are beautiful and strong. That their feelings matter and don't have to feel ashamed of who they are nor who they want to be. That they are perfect and beautiful in any size or color. I really needed to be heard and okay to be myself. I am almost 32 years old and I have reached the point where I have to choose my happiness and sense of mind over an relationship over my mother. So I had to cut ties with her. I can still be civil with her and even that is challenging especially with the bodyshaming. I still crave to be submissive that will never change. I am just more picky about who I choose to submit to. I want to be loved and appericated for not just what I can offer sexually but also for what i offer to the table. I don't bring much but i promise that it will grow with the right space and environment. I shouldn't have to change anything to make myself beautiful and more desirable for you to want me. I should be accepted for everything that I am and be able to submit to a dom. I am still willing to learn and want to grow as a submissive. And I want to be safe and I need to be ok to be myself in their presence. I spent most of my adolscents trying to get approval from my mother who could care less if i even exsisted. I am perfectly fine with my body size and my appearance. Is their room for approvement? Yes. But it should be because I want them not because someone else says I should. So yeah I am proud to be a black plus size woman with short brown hair that likes to be submissive and be in the bdsm lifestyle. If that is a problem, then just keep moving.

My bills ate up all my paycheck. I am back to zero. I cried most of the night. I wish it could get better. I am still looking for another job. Saber came around and asked again to be a toy for the elitist. Again I refused, He told me that I should reconsider. I can be able to leave my makeshift hell and trade it up for a prettier one. Mjounor has some outdated idelogy but I do agree with some of them. He is very nice but a man of few words. He is however very informative about his beliefs. He is a modern day viking and hopefully one day get a collar from him. I just miss being loved in a special way. Firm hands on my lower back as i am on all fours. Hearing his labored moans and gruff groans as his body slamming into my tresure trove. I miss the satisfied clicking of empty plate after feeding a hot meal to a dom. I miss having a piece of a dom's clothing and just inhaling his scent that makes my femine part wet for anticipation of having him near. I just miss being a kept woman to a dom. I have been so busy caring for family and taking care of bills. I havent had a chance to be a woman at all this week. Not realloy anyway. Is it normal to feel that way?

I hate my genetics! I had to have the junk gene that is allergic to mostiqutoe bites. work was quick but fun at least. i made a lot of money for work. I made sales by increase of 37% more than last year. I don't understand how but I am glad that my store is at least getting more money drove into it. I don't have to work on my birthday since someone took my shift for that day. I just have to work the day before my birthday. I am starting to do something that I never done before. I deleted all my dating profiles. I feel like I don't need the extra attention anymore since I am getting that from one person now. Jafar called and tried to dom me. I just hung up. It was rude i know. I want him to understand I don't seem him as a dom just a good friend. Capone is doing car auctions today. i swear his love for cars is aweinspiring. I wonder if all men love their cars like that. Mjounr and I had another deep intense conversation. Knowing more about each other, He is very intelligent and literally a tough country boy like my father. I guess the only hang up for me is that i have to let go. my past is making me foolish. My ex Saber did something that damaged me. While I was in bed sleeping preparing for work the next day, He allowed another man to come in the room and just lay across from me. I woke up because I needed to pee, but I was so terrified of the fact a strange man was just casually laying acrosss from me while my ex just carrying a normak conversation with his cigarette in his mouth. I yelled at him for it. he told me I was overreacting and I wasn't any immediate danger. He didn't get the point that I was a woman. I was depending on him to keep me safe and trusted him with my safety and he violated that. I lost all respect and trust with him that same night. My father has been married to my mother for 20+ years. He would never ever do that to my mother; so why would I let a man like Saber do that to me? I am still looking for the perfect birthday cake for myself. I am leaning more towards the tiarmus cake but I also love the chocolate chip cookie dough cake. But I really love carmel cake too. I can't make up my mind on it yet. I am going to spend the day just doing my journal and reading a book. I haven't been able to finish the story "under the pyramid" by HP Lovecraft since I m always on the move constantly with work. Meerkitty was kind of out of it today. I helped him out by feeding his little one my grandmother's old fashioned buttermilk pancakes with scrambled eggs and bacon. I had to usher them out to summer camp. I left him some leftovers and put it in the microwave for him before leaving. I hope he gets a good woman soon. He needs all the help he can get to raise his little one especially if they are a copy of him.  Wayne is jealous I actually petted a different cat other than him lol. I bet if I give him a piece of fish. He would forgive me. He is still my chunky peanut. Even if he can be a handful sometimes. Lexi is still a spoiled princess. She started barking and demanded to lay in my lap while I was eating my dinner. She growled everytime I try to adjust myself to make myself more comfortable. I guess I can say today seems to be a beautiful day and feel like acting more like a girl wearing high heels and wanting to wear makeup on my face.

Yesterday I had a blast! Meerkitty and I spent the day watching Cocaine bear. We then watched the first season of Dragula. I am a fan of Dragula. I hope one day I can afford to go to their world tour. It is very expensive to go. Meerkitty also took me to Zaxbys for lunch. Unfortunately they didn't have fried shrimp since they sold out. I gave him the slice of blackout cake and the sunglasses for him to give to his child. He is always too hard on himself. I understand he wants better for his child, but he must also understand that he needs time to himself to recharge and rest.i strongly respect him just because he is the type of man that I hope to have raise my children. capone is working constantly and doing well. Wayne is still cute as ever. i wouldn't mind picking him up and giving him a big hug and a few kisses. I met a lovable cat yesterday. Surprisingly it let me pet them and rub their belly. It rolled on its back and was wiggling around kind of like how my dog Lexi does. Capone is still a goofball as ever. Especially since he is trying to make me laugh at his corny jokes. He is really into his celebrity news. Mjounor and I are getting along very well. i learned he is a truck driver, but we have very enganging conversations. They are so stimulating that I get giddy just getting a message from him. We would have these tense debates about roles of dom and sub. Roles of Master and slave. I never felt excited to talk to someone like this before. I had to buy new shoes since a wood chip went right  through it. it stabbed the side of my foot and started bleeding. I disinfect it and manage to put a band aid on it. I want to be completely consumed to whatever this feeling is. I am craving rare filet mignon right now but i know I can't afford it. i am curious about Mjounr. Is he built like a viking or more like the matadors in Spain? Could i be able to have recite some of my favorite poems to him? Most importantly, can i use him as a guiena pig for my cooking since I am always trying new recipes and want to improve my cooking skills. 

Today is the fourth of july and though we celebrate the freedom of america. I don't feel like celebrating just more so fighting. Fighting for survival. Fighting to exsist. Fighting for the right to be a woman.  Jafar and I mutally decided to leave. I couldn't give him the title he wanted and the career I chose isn't for the faint of heart. Jafar is so humble and pure hearted. I can't let him be corrupted by me, so I had to cut him loose. Capone is with his family celebrating the fourth. Even Wayne is enjoying the festivities. I decided to focus on survival until I get on my feet. I applied to two job positions that are graveyard shifts. If I get at least one of them, I can be able to balance out the debt I have to pay plus the bills. My mother is starting to charge me for groceries since the past two weeks I couldn't be able to buy them due to planing a birthday dinner for my younger brother. I was charged $80 dollars for four slices of bread. I try not to let it get to me since it will only depress me if i do. My ex came around and made an offer  that involves me subjecting myself to be a mistress to lowly men. I refused venomously. I have interaction with a very interesting Nordic soul. We shall call him Mjouner for now. We spent last night debating about the strength of women versus the necessity of men in women's lives. It was quite stimulating and felt almost like flirting or dare I say sex. He seems to be the calm collected and educated. Different from the other men that frequent in and out of my life. My chest is getting very big. I have to go another size up in order to keep the Charmed ones contained. Meerkitty is eager to see them. Let me clarify: Meerkitty likes to use me to model for his artwork. He always cast them and then use that casting to make groestique images from them. He seems monsters as just a another form of humans. He is able to bring emotions to these creature making them human in a way. I desire to model for fetish magazine instead or another ecentric artist for pay instead of doing a favor for my friend Meerkitty. Now that i clarified this: i hope to speak with Mjouner again. He is mentally intriguing and he challenges me mentally which is something i really enjoy most.

Meerkitty is back to normal but it hurts that he isn't warm to me anymore.Jafar is insist on me giving him a title when I am not prepared to do so. Capone is constantly checking up on me including let me now about Wayne's antics. I still work hard to make ends meet. I have $5 dollars in savings now. I can't explain who I truly love since I am undecided. I do know I am still hopelessly in love to my belated lover. As much as I wait to see him in the next life, it seems so long to see him again. I do know I am still the stubborn and wild hearted woman I always been. I learned that part of me will never be extinguished no matter hard my oppressors or obstacles try to put me down. Until I draw my last breath, My fire will never fade. Jafar is very affecinate even though it is hard to understand him. I miss Capone and Wayne especially Wayne. He is a big ball of cuddles literally. My brother's birthday dinner was such a bust. Rec 225 have crappy food. Beer cheese wasn't beer cheese it was nacho cheese. Most of the food was just frozen and processed. There was no refills for sodas. I spent $70 for crap that I could make at home and it would taste as better than that crap. Jafar really loves big women just some of the comments though not intentional tends to make me concious of my body. I always struggled with my weight and mainly my mom pokes at me on my weight. It took me several years to realize that men not boys. Real men enjoy big women especially since there is a lot to love to grab. I need to find health insurance still and also ask if i can add my brothers to my vison insurance. Also how much it will cost to add them. Meerkitty is still the lovable smart ass that i am used to. He has a duaghter that he is very protective of. It is mixture of happy and sadness for me. It reminds of the child I lost when I was in my early 20s. I guess a mother never forgets the lost of a child even if they weren't born to begin with.I bought her a pair of sunglasses that Meerkitty mentioned that she wanted. I hope she likes them. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to born in Japan as a geisha. Would I still have the allure that I seem to have with men or will I find a sammurai like my beloved to make a honest woman out of me? I better to just go and wash dishes since it is already and no since to try to fall asleep.

I really need to do better at communicating with people. it is so hard to tell people how i feel and what i want. Especially towards people that show interest in me. Meerkitty wants more than a friendship which is something i am not prepared to do. Jafar wants a title which I am not prepared to do since I need to know if i can be accepted for being myself. Since i enjoy being worshipped by other men and having them look at me or compliment me on my appearance. I enjoy drag performances and love watching women impersonators perform. I find trans women and men sexually arousing. i admire their bodies and take interest in their journey. I love cooking and shopping. My heart is tired of having to endure the pain of life.

My heavy period is back. Thank the heavens. I have been spotting for 5 months now and finally my period started. Jafar is worried about me and wants me to check myself out. I appericate that he worries about me but I will figure out how to survive on my own as usual. Capone is also worried about me as well. he even insisted that i shouldn't push myself too hard. I am still young and strong so I can be able to handle the usual aches and pains of life until I draw my last breath.I am so excited to surprise my brother on his birthday. It would make me so happy to be able to bring joy on his special day just this once. My body is constantly changing and my interest although the same. It is also evolving. I decided it is time to move out of the home and rent a space close to work. It will be a challemge but I hope it can help cut corners.I better get some rest I open for the morning again.

Kirk decided to throw me away. It shouldn't hurt me but it still does. I applied for job near my workplace. It will be great to work the graveyard shift. my mom is still being petty as usual this time trying to drain what little money I have. Jafar is very sincere and funny. I love the fact he calls me out on my bullshit. It makes me wet and ready. My heart still longs for my belated beloved. I know there is no chance for a man to compete for my affections when dead man still occupies that space in my heart. My dom husband is still waiting for me with open arms for me to come home. I want to be his sub wife and produce children for him. I want to cook him hot meals as much as possible. I want to fill his home with laughter and my ectastic moans. I want my voice to be heard when I am scared or hurt but have my worries silenced when he hushes me with just one motion of assurance. I hope my future dom husband be gentle but firm. And always allow me the freedom to be myself and never extinguish the wildfire that he fell in love with. I am still in love with my belated beloved and though I need to move on. I can't seem to let him go. i know I have to because that is the only way I can find happiness. I will see him again in the next life. But i have to travel through this life without him right now.  And I have room for any weary travelers journeying with me if they want to venture life with me. I better go i should be able to sleep now since i have been able to air out my sorrows of missing my dear Angeles. Angeles. I hope to see you again in the next life.

Today is Fathers's day and i am conflicted on celebrating it. I have some memories of my father that were pleasant and some memories I don't. I rather wish Capone a Happy Father's day due to the fact, he actually cared about my well being. Nobody besides him and random strangers were asking about how i was doing and if i was ok. They even worried about me crossing the bridge at night where it is not well lit. It is sad that complete strangers were the ones that cared more so than my own blood did. When i get married, my husband will be loving caring chivalrous and has good morals. My husband wouldn't allow my daughter to walk home alone at night by herself. My husband would never let me put garbage in my child's lunchbox over a petty fight. Most importantly, my husband wouldn't let me crowded our home with junk. I don't know who my husband is or what he might look like. I just know my husband will be opposite to my father in some aspaspects. My husband would defintely not put something off or ignore me when i say i need something fix or need something done for the household. Jafar showed me where he is now. It looks great. I just wish i could see more flowers since i love flowers. My stomach is still pulsing in pain. But i am just sleeping through my pain and resting. My black community always pulling each other down versuus pulling each other up. With everything we go through, the last thing we need to do is tear each other apart. It is part of the reason why I buy certain products i like from black owned businesses. We need to lift each other up and watch out for each other. Care for each others. Do unto others as you want others to do unto you. House the homeless. feed the hungry and nurse the sick and elderly. 

Today it was interesting. It feels like all the past admireers are swarming back to me with a venegance. First to start off, Punker drifted off so although i wish him the best. I am too busy with work to cater to his needs. Lucia is getting his life together which is great. At least I don't have to worry about him too much. I am stilltrying to secure a secound job and have to pay one last bill to someone that i owe money to. Luckily it is final payment. Jafar contact me to check up on me and was worried about my well being. He is doing well and glad that he is getting back on his feet. I am not too happy about constantly asking questions where i just want answers to. I have to pay for materials to use for cooking including tools. I am officially bored with sex. I just gave up on it since I could never be able to find pleasure or satisfication in it. I had to miss work last wendesday due to the fact i was injured. I was in so much pain that i was crying. Capone is very worried that I might not be taking care of myself the way I should. I need to take better care of myself. My brother's birthday is in two weeks. So far I bought the famous Blackout cake shipped from New York. I arranged a dinner to be set up at Rec 225. The menu is appealing and the drinks are promising. After my brother's birthday, I have to prep for my birthday. I know i want to eat at this new asian resttaurant near by. They sell dumplings and boba teas. I wish my parents helped me out a bit more versus constantly trying to find new ways to pull me down. I also have admirer that keeps messaging me when I told them clearly I wasn't interested. It got so bad I had to block them because they didn't understand that no really means no. I better go I have to get stuff ready for tomorrow.

I wish my dream dom would take me away from this mundane world and let me enjoy being submissive

I managed to get my lunch box from the Lyft driver. I am so happy. The box was special because a coworker gave it to me from secret santa last christmas. This morning I was reading texts from Lucia and his confession. Although sincere I can't let myself be with him because he isn't showing with actions and it is all words at this point. Yesterday I gave food to my friend Meerkitty. He enjoyed my cooking. The cheesesteak toretillini is a big hit. My brothers finished off the first container and the secound container is almost gone, if not already. My onion galette was also good. Meerkitty woofed down the onion galette like it was nothing. I am so proud that my cooking is improving. I was always told since birth to a man's heart is a man's stomach. I hope that is true. I hope to service a deserving dom and cook for him as much as possible. A dom has been conversing with me and he is extremely nice yet very sexually starved. We shall call him Punker due to his punk style hairstyle. He is a widower with two kids. His wife passed away due to cancer. I feel sorry for him. My grandmother had breast cancer and thankfully she beat it. My great aunt however was not so lucky. I understand the pain of losing someone you love so much.  Death is normal for me since Death claimed members of my extend family whether from old age or health problems. I want to help Punker out a bit. I work at retail and their is a lot of clearance for clothes and shoes. I could buy them and send it to him for the kids. I also cook big batches for my family. I can send some of the food I cook to him as well. Anything to make someone else's life easier. There are so much people in this world that focus on self preservation that we forget it to help those in need. We like to use the bible to justify our own agenda but forget the the key commandements that Jesus Christ taught. To love thy neighbor as you love yourself and to do unto others as you want to do unto you. I beleive this to be true since good things seem to happen whenever I do the right thing for others. I should go I can't be still for so long in this room.

Update on my life: I am broke from groceries i had to get to feed my brothers. I made chicken parm grilled cheese and wasn't my best. I made cheesesteak toretllini and I can't be able to enjoy my dinner because my mom chooses tonight out of all days to clean the table and reorganize the kitchen. It feels like hell and on top of that. She started hoarding my room with her junk. And I can't say anything about it, since I only living here temporarily and now the roaches are coming into the house. She says it needs to be sprayed again but the problem will still exist until the junk is completely cleared out. It means having to sort through the junk and figuring out what to keep  and what to donate. And what is trash. I have offered plenty of times to help clean up on my days off. I even said that I won't throw anything away. You get to decide what you want to do. Even that was too much for her to do. It is the main reason why i left home with my former boyfriend at the time. I don't want to leave in a hoarded space when i don't hoard things period. I enjoy doing laundry and washing dishes. I enjoy having space to walk and not have dust everywhere or easily be able to find things in my livable space. I can't do that at home and it makes me feel so depressed about not being able to escape my environment that i have thought about self harm. Yet i don't do that because i have people that still care and love me who don't want to see me hurt. I just wish for once in her Christian life. She understands that she doesn't need things and her family is enough and her friends are enough. I am enough. I hope when I have children of my own> I wouldn't put them through the pain of having to have their space crowded out for my things or have to feel like i choose the stuff over them. 

I haven't written in my journal a long awhile since i have been busy with work and finding a second job. I have so me down time to write in here, so i will try to give the reader's digest of what is going on with me. I am completely broke. So i had to file for bankruptcy. It is the most humbling and embrassing moment in my life. Lucia and I are on talking terms but I am blocking him from being intimate with me because I can't keep putting effort into something and not be blown off from it. My health is not that great either. I have been bleeding for three months now and not have any relief from it. I don't have health insurance, so I can't afford to go to the hospital. I think Liberalism isn't bad since universal healthcare would be nice about now. Having the government pay my medical bills when i can't afford it, so I can get on my feet to go back to work would be perfect. I see a lot of homeless people out here. More than usual. Yet a bill is passed that police officers can arrest you for being homeless in public areas. There is no homeless shelters in my area, so how can they be able to be out of the public eye? It is shaping out to be more and more like the Great Depression Era. Make America Great Again my ass!

I am tired of fake people and I am starting to root them out by sending texts that is troubling. It is my way of keeping the ones that care about me versus someone who will leave me in my darkest hour. If someone can't be able to weather the storm with me, then they don't deserve to enjoy the glory when i succced. i am broke and struggling but still holding my head up. 

I want to live my life being like in the anime porn of Princess Mina. She was a sex slave and a queen. Yet it is hard to find something like that these days. Most of the men are childish and spineless. Which means it is better of to be both the man and the woman sometimes and be by yourself. The new type of men coming out of the wood work actually punch you if you reject them. They will demand you to go on another date with you even after you say no. They will stalk you and even take a picture of your drivers plate in order to identify you.  Women we now have to be extra careful and aware of or surroundings. I don't want anymore news reports of us ending up missing, killed or maimed due to something that these fake men do. I urge you please please be safe out there and start bringing friends with you or family members. It is not safe to just be ny yourself chilling anymore.

I miss making love not just having sex. I am bored with porn and my body still yearns to be touched by an alpha. I long to breed and to feel safe. To feel secure to feel whole. I guess that is part of the reason why I admire the japanese culture and seem to be drawn to the dynasty era dramas. i know in reality all japanese men don't look like that but i can't help but lust over them. Lust over their hands on me. I could never attract men with long hair that reach to their back and i accepted this. My godfather is urging me to marry soon before my beauty fades. He wants me to be well taken care of before he passes on to the next life. I feel the pressure of attracting suitable mates to my godfather's liking especially when i am expected to produce children on my wedding day just like he did with my godmother. I fear that I might not be able to but I wish to be able to bear children. I should just focus on securing a secound job but at the same time everything in my body is burning to be consumed by white hot flames of male energy to ease my leaking flora giving of the mixture of red pollen and honey. I want to pinned down against the wall and him single handedly lift me up to his hard firm staff and to feel it pollenate my flora will be the most exhiralting thing to ever happen to me in the past 31 years of living. Is that so wrong for me to say?

I broke it off with a guy that i haven't been talking to often. It was for the best. I wasn't giving him my time and i couldn't be able to give him the attention that he deserves. I am gaining weight quickly due to stress and buying new clothes to fill a void. I just want a alpha to see me and provide the empreoress lifestyle that i deserve. I know i am desirable enough to attract foot soliders and generals. I need a man that is not only a fighter but a conquerer as well. A man that intimidates his foes with his mind first before using his strength. A man that will protect his queen and his offerspring with his life. I desire this so much because i am the type of woman who will stand by her husband. A woman who will give her last breath to her children. A woman that will do anything to elevate her man even selling her soul for him to come back to her. I need a true alpha that can make me submit. Undeniable. Undoctornated. Unwavering. Completely natural submission. I want his eyes and his voice to shake me to my core where i fear to disobey him. I am behind on a credit card bill and need to catch up on it in order to use it again.  My ex Jafar came to my bedroom window and he wants to take me to New York and pimp me out and to be his servant. My brothers threaten to call the police if he didn't leave.  Jafar left but not without threatening to kidnap me if I don't comply with his demands. I wish I had true dom to protect me from creeps like him. I think they don't exist anymore since most of the men prefer women to figth over them, provide for them, clean up after them and act as not protecters nor providers but breeders. It is getting tiring.

It has been a long awhile since i have been journaling. But here is the details so far with my life. I dropped from my 3k savings to just 1k due to transportation. Inflation is no joke. I have been hunting for a secound job nonstop. I am just taking up more shifts than i normally do and my male submissive that i am suppose to meet. He bailed on me that friday. So instead of moping around like I normally do. I started taking my brothers out for outings to try new resttaurants and such. I went to Disney springs last week. I had fun and bought a new cookbook. I love collecting and cooking out of my cookbooks. I guess it is part of my culinary side from my dad's side of the family. Don and Wayne were excellent hosts. Even though Wayne was sleeping on my legs and kept being a snuggle bug. I was suppose to spend spring break with Lucia but he decided to spend time with his father instead. I am just thankful he is no longer in an environment that was harmful for him mentally as well as physically. I met a homeless alpha fighter getting on his feet we will call Dorian. I would see him very early in the morning jogging and shadow boxing. I decided to make extra food in the morning to give to him. He would lap it up very quickly. I saw him again this time at a fast food restaurant. He was applying for a job. Dorain asked about me and if i was married. I wasn't married and he said for a dame like myself I should have a nice diamond on my ring finger. I told him I hated diamonds and prefer rubies instead since they are my birthstone. He asked for my name and i told him i was just a fox. He was very charming and said he will find out my true name. My black fox. I hope i get to see him again. 

Capone and I went to the grand opening of Hangry Joe's yesterday. It was pretty good. Thechicken was juicy and tender and i would reccomend it to anyone to come. He took me to work and was very nice to me too. But I don't know what possesed him to ask if i wanted to grow a penis or even think about switching genders. It made me laugh and question his motive behind the questions. The male cuck I have been conversing with i am really into him. He is easy to talk to and just feels natural to me. He doesn't expect sex from me which I guess that is an appeal to me and shock. I started watching some cuck porn on it and it made me excited. I never thought i could get a thrill from it. Normally I don't go for male submissives and just breeze through them or just have friendly chats with them. It is just this one particular sub. I guess we can call Dean. He makes me feel smart and beautiful. Like i have control over my sexuality something I haven't had since I was twenty three years old. The age gap is still foreign to me since usually older men chase after me all the time. Having a younger man pursue me just feels erotic kind of forbidden to me. I went back to the restruant with my brothers today. We had to wait for an hour because they lost our order. They gave us free sandwichs to redeem when we come back the next time we go there as compensation for the long wait. Dean also has this fetish of being in a chastity but their is a dildo attachment to it. Just curious to all the male subs that read my journals that are into cuckholding, does your domme or dom enjoy this kind of contraption? Do you enjoy them?

I took the offer Capone gave me since i was deseperate. I really don't like to take hands out because i normally the one that constantly help people out. I want to be able to be stable again. I am seeking a seound job which is not easy. And the fact, what little security i had is gone. I am living off my savings and feel stressed out.Part of me wants to move in with Capone to get a job up North but i really don't want to take advantage of his kindness.I have been conversing with a submissive younger man.I normally don't have connections with men younger than me. Let alone a submissive but we just connected. I feel happy and I was able to let my aggression out on him.He is British and very intelligent.I would love to have him do clean up and getting me ready. He looks like a humble handsome version of Dean Cain. He is into cuckholding so I can't wait to explore that kind of kink. 

Today I talked to Capone and so far no more problems with Wayne. I made a bargain with Capone to allow him to teach me to swim and drive and bike. In excahnge, I will repay him in more ways than one. Capone really wants me to spend the night and I really can't say I can be able to have control if he decides to do something like give me a smiley or cement shoes. I desire empreor type to submit to yet i keep finding soliders. My godmother is worried i might not never marry, she arranges for men at her church to court me. I scare them off when I mention how much I enjoy the silver chains on my body or the feeling of hot wax on me. They don't make those type of men like they use to. They don't making thinking, protecting, intelligent, providing, hardworking, confident, good looking men anymore. Most are insecure babies that cry about women not being the 1950s version of the woman. When they don't live up to the 1950s version of a man. I really would like to see a scottish man in a kilt. I think scottish men in their own way are very confident and outspoken. I mean I would love to marry those men while they are wearing their kilt if I could. It means I will have fun taking a peak underneath behind closed doors. But alas I must recede to my solitaire confinement until I prove my worth to my true dom.

Today at work, a lady bought out the majority  of the toys we had on clearance for the church event for Easter baskets. It took me three hours to be finished and have everything bagged. Capone is having issues with his cat Wayne especially when he bites and gets aggressive. He is excited about his apartment and i am excited for him. Capone confronted me about my true feeelings that i mentioned through my journals and I averted it as usual with the thought bubbles i had floating around my head. I always have problems opening up since i am always guarded and always get hurt or disappointed. Baby Blue wants to see me so badly and it is cute. He makes me want to know more about him which also raise the question if he can handle Lucia's mental illness. Or able to allow me to explore my goddess like aura without judgement. Capone is more like Hephatus, the black smith god, whom is married to Aprohidite whom arranges different times to have the other gods come see her. I wouldn't do that to him and i should say the same thing about him too

Capone and I talked last night. He is getting a new apartment soon and i am happy for him. I am debating on whether or not if i should confess my deadly sin. On one hand, it hurts him more if i hide my desires rather than embrace them or reveal them. Billy boy is defintely a foot solider not very much a thinker or a starageist. I have been conversing with a man which we will call Baby Blue. He is nine years younger than me but at the same time caught my interest with his type of desires and wants. My usual admirers bore me with their empty promises and wishful vows of grandeur. I was stiffed a payment by a fat bald slob of a man. He disgust me with his chubby stubby fingers of his and makes me want to puke. My guess he doesn't even know how to keep his sceptor in order to bestow rich milk to the women in the village. For once, Can i be entertained with something new other than the same old thing?

Billy Boy comes off as a foot solider not a General. Although it is great that he is strong, healthy and somewhat knowledgable. I really need someone like Odysessus. A man that has the skills to survive but very intelligent. I picked up the job application for a thirft store. I stood up the creepy dom again and he pointed out that I have a bunch of adimirers but not happy. I can enjoy their gifts, their attentions, and yes their scepters. And i am still not happy. I just want a relationship with my true dom and have kids. I want to be able to feel like a woman again and not have to constantly hunger for their companionship. I saw a fit couple today at the gym. I keep picturing her submitting to the man. They have leather on and she was collared. I can visualize the delicious sensual pain and pleasure they would receive from each other. I miss the dom/sub dynamic that comes from being truly submissive to Son of Adam.

Yesterday I decided to become a workacholic by getting a secound job. l just need to make ends meet, so far a creepy dom wants to meet someplace private in a public place. I refuse since he hasn't given me any reason to trust his word. Plus my instincts tells me something is off about it. Billy boy is very imperssive. He is built like a viking and have more of a babrian attitude. Though my type is more eloquent and stragetic, i don't mind a warrior to have children with. At least my offspring will be healthy and strong. I still need a husband that is not only a warrior but also diplomatic. A warrior always chooses violence to solve everything. But a king always use violence as a last resort. My mother which we will call queen witch. She decided to make my life harder by stopping taking me to work and made a joke about it to her husband. My father we will call King simp. Now it will be diffcult to fund not only transporation but to buy Lucia's medications. Even with insurance, his medication will be expensive. I am not letting him go without his medication. It is why i decided to get a secoubd job. It scares and worries me because the social climate doesn't treat working women too kindly. It is part of a reason why i need a true dom to marry and able to shoulder my burden with me. I can't abandon Lucia since he has been through so much. He was physically, emotionally and sexually abused. He been through enough and the least i can do is make his life less hell. I promised to take care of him until it becomes too much to handle his mania anymore. I just have to land another job just to make ends meet. I refuse to be reduced to less than nothing. 

I am so tired of fighting and struggling in life.  I feel just drained on being angry alone and worst I don't have anything to take my anger out on. Lucia is worried that me having such self restraint of my emotions will eventually snap free. And i might actually hurt someone. My transportation was taken away from me for stupid reasons and I have to commute in a different way. It feels like people mainly family want to help those that are not trying to make their lives better but put road blocks on the ones that are actually wanting to do better for themselves. Now i have to work extra hard. I am lashing out  on random doms when they try to help because they want to help. I need to calm myself first before i do something i regret

I am slightly hungover from drinking kombucha. Before i am flooded with comments, yes I know I am lightweight. But i still enjoy my kombucha. I am making butterscotch pies today and also making ambroisa squares to make this Super Bowl the best day ever. I have been conversing with a gentleman whom I will call: Billy Boy. Billy has been pursuing me for the longest and finally decided to give him my attention. I love the fact that i gave him the chance. He really interest me and makes me laugh. He is very humble too but also I don't know just makes me feel different from the other admirers I deal with daily. I have the freedom to enjoy my feminity around him while also being able to still experiment with my sexuality. I feel a kind of home from him and just want to be wrapped around in that feeling of safety and security.

Bdsm feels like a safe zone for me. I love the feeling of being helpless and allows me to actually heal from trauma in my life. My view on sex will forever be alter due to my rape when i was eighteen. I am still damaged from it but i am stronger. I live life for myself and enjoy being able to get attention from other men. I love horror movies and tv series. I love being scared and suprised. I have a short four hour shift and just enjoy being a woman. Last night I dreamt about a dom taking me to a hotelroom. He had kept a blindfold on me and kept flogging me with a rope made flogger. I had a vibrator in me and anal plug. I kept moaning and begging for more. Before i was able to release my milk, my dom released his milk all over my back as punishment. When I woke up, i just started rubbing my rose bud hoping to settle the tingling senasation of wanting to be needed. Wanted. Desired. Loved by a dom. I should go I just need to get myself lunch.

I got my delivery from Pressed Juicery. I hope they would be good substitue for when I am in a rush. I am nervous about doing a favor for my godfather and meet with a man that has done some of properties as far i know. I love to be a spring bride if it was warmer season here. I hate having to do favors for him but at the same time. I love to honor him in anyway I can through cooking or cleaning. work was slow but steady business. I am very out of it. Lexi is so content with her bell rubs and constant kisses. I thinking of giving her carob treats for her on Valentine's day to my furbaby. I wish to marry a dom that I can grow old with and make children with. I finally have 3K saved up and only have 2K to go. My next goal is to save 10K. I wish to be treated as a queen in public but as pleasure submissive in private. I should go and get some rest. I am throughly drained 

I wish I could show people my heart and not have to be guarded all the time. I constantly have to restrain myself of my desires. My dream of being a submissive bride still feels out of reach. I received my tes and the other half of my makeup order. Meerkitty is still hanging out with his new beau. I miss hanging out with him and I need to be patient. I can't rush him to meet her since they are still geling with each other. I am just so happy for him.I get excited over seeing my friends finally finding happiness and it makes me feel estatic for them.I am still waiting for my dom to take over me. Just getting restless and wanting to be loved in a special way. I should go i have to clean myself up a bit.

I am in mating heat again. Everything is burning inside me and i want to be full of milk. Even my carmeal mounds wants attention from Adam's sceptor. My temple is begging for worshippers to cleanse her walls with milk and liquid gold. I want to be a living goddess to their eyes adorn with their kisses. I hate when i run into the usual disappointing type of men that doesn't know how to properly worship my temple. It makes it hard to even believe in men. Just love to be with demigod or maybe a warrior. I am somewhat bored with the traditionalistic no balls baby men that want to say they are dominant but don't want to back up their talk with actually putting the work. Now i am frustrated milk hungry priestess wanting to be find a conquerer to worship his anaconda. I should try to stop up the leaking basement i have. My honey keeps dripping out of me.

Horous and I got into heated arguement about money. He wants me to send money to help him out since he is poor. I amsympathetic of his ploit but I really don't want to. I learned my lesson with Saber that i shouldn't be lose with my money and not invest in any man finicially. I refuse to support another man finincially again if we are just dating and that he is not my husband. A man should be able to find a way to support himself no matter what. My future husband would never ask me for money. he would have his own and would always treat me as the exotic afro geisha that i am. There are plenty of men that would trip over themselves to get a good woman like me, so i won't sweat the small stuff and focus on the bigger picture.

Today I survived chastity month and now focused on healthy body and healthy mind. I value my friends and my family very much and i need a man that understands that. Especially if they plan to make me their submissive bride. I am however looking forward to being able to secure a secound job. It is perfect opportunity and extra pocket money for work. Horous comes off as an traditionalist as far as what a woman role is in society. He is trying his best to survive and he comes off as someone living as a lycanthrope. I want to be surprised and excited by a man not just courted. Anyway i was tested for covid and came back negative. I am so happy i get to finish work week without a hitch. My godfather wants me to marry his assistant based of the fact that he wants someone to care for me when he passes on to the next life. There is something that i am working hard to get which is coming off as successful which is finincial independence. I am now working on physical independence which is being able to have my own place without having to depend on a man for survival and be able to enjoy being a woman. I know i am desirable and i am a perfect catch for any good man. I just need the ideal man to be my true dom. My king. My everything. Also I would love to have him take charge of my temple and explore my moist damp rooms of mine. 

I can't believe it has been thirty days without making myself cum. It was a struggle and admitedly sometimes maddening to go through. I am glad that i went through it, since it gave me some perspective on myself and relationships. I shouldn't have to shed clothes or pose pics for men that request them to see my worth. I will look at their actions more so than their words. I will celebrate myself everyday even when I have nothing or nobody to celebrate with. I shouldn't be so afraid to tell someone that I don't like them due to hurting their feelings. I need to set boundaries for myself.  So I can better take care of myself mentally as well as emotionally. I need to cut out certain people that aren't helping me grow and change for the better. Even if they are family and friends that are close to me or a lover that i value dearly. Capone is doing well and hopefully doiing better. I am getting ready to drink some cranberrry juice and pack my lunch for today. I feel like i have a sore thorat and a headache. I am going to take some tyenol and get started on packing lunch for my work shift. Horous gave me insight on religion as well as the economy on Egypt. I still can't believe a poor decision from one man can cause such turmultious ripple effaspects throughout the world. I keep looking at pictures of flowers lately and I really love how pretty they are. Cherry blossoms will always be my favorite right next to my secound favorite peach blossoms. I really want to own and learn to play the erhu. The instrument itself is worth several thousand dollars so i need to save up for it and the leassons are the fraction as much as the instrument. I hope one day I will marry my true dom and have a garden in the back with flowers, herbs, fruits, and vegetables. I can harvest them from the back and just cut dinner in my dream kitchen.

I decided to cancel Free Use February since i rather not expose my body to any more self inflicting punishmentthan i already have. Jingoku is happy that I am getting rest since I pushed myself to the point where i am completely dehydrated. I have been conversing with an eygptian I would like to just refer to him as Horous. Horous is very intelligent and clever. Something i need in my life to make it interesting. Medical friend of mine that is studying to be a surgeon looked at me today. I mentioned some ailments i have been feeling lately including being drained and tired. I even had blood in my milk. He suggested drinking cranberry juice for 15 days and drinking plenty of water. He also highly urged me to rest and not try to do too much. So far it is working. I am thinking about dressing up Lexi as a cute cupid furbaby. She can run around the house spreading love to everyone with her wet kisses. Horous and I spent hours talking and picking each other's brain. It is getting warmer now since it is the afternoon. I miss being treated like a goddess in public but a submissive in private. Capone is obviously worried about me and my well being since I haven't been taking care of myself lately. I fantsize about having a collar around my neck and being pulled to the feet of my true dom. Horous is the type of guy I can see sharing recipes with each other while feeling safe and secure.

I am almost finished with my chastity. My flora is ready to welcome her worshippers to her temple. She wants their milk to pour into her. I desire so much to be in submission yet i must have control of myself for safety reasons. It clashes also with relationships since I demand so much from men. Men are the providers and protectors. Men are the one that hunt and pursue women. It feels like they do the bare minumim and expect the woman to do everything and not do anything to earn the ring. I desire to be taken so deeply and strongly I forget everything about holding on to my independence. I love having hot soy wax dripped on me while i am feeding him wine from my carmeal mounds. I can't describe the burning I feel throughout my body. I feel like i am drowning in this all consuming lava of mating heat. It is likes waves rippling through one stronger than the next. I desire my true dom. My dom that can guide me to be submissive. A dom that can allow me to be a woman.

I am halfway through the week and already want to be ravaged in a bad way. I think about Adam's scepter every single day. The feeling of stroking its strong hard staff, rubbing the bulbous head and then pouring out the precious pure white sand on me. I have boug ht a laundry basket that i deseperately needed to do laundry with. I am putting it on his paces now. I know it can hold 3 weeks worth of dirty laundry without breaking or falling apart. Now I want to see if it can handle a trip to the coin laundromat and the trip back home. Capone got injured by a cute speaksy dame. I bet if it wasn't for the fact, she was a girl and faster than him on the feet. He would have caught her. One of my buddies is asking me to see them in Miami. I should plan it out especially if i want to have the most fun out of the trip. The past 3 weeks I realized I need to speak up for myself and stop worrying about hurting peoples' feelings with how i feel and think, my sexuality shouldn't define my worth, and I can't keep putting things off like the driving test or wanting to get rid of someone or something but be too emotionally attached to do so. I have become a emotional hoarder because of the fact I am not getting enough love and attention at home. It is part of the reason, I am having diffculty settling down with a dom because i  don't trust they will be interested in me but the nympho vixen that i potray myself to be. This change has to happen not because of others but for me. Jingoku has been asking about how i should stop constantly restrain myself and just let go. He suggested some affirmations i should say to help me loosen up a bit and stop being so restrictive with myself. I hope one day I can say the words I want to say to Saber but too afraid to say in his face: You are a loser and I am glad that I didn't invest anymore money to you.

I woke up this morning and I am greeted with swollen ankle that I have to ice down. My period is slowing down and just more focused then i was before. Meerkitty used me as a wing lady to try to rope in a woman he liked. It didn't go well because she bailed because she was too shy. Meerkitty needs to find someone that he can be 100% compatiable with because i seen him workout without a shirt. No way a woman don't want to lay up next to him. Capone is doing well and wrapped up his bodygurad gig. The "Don" seems to be satisfied with his work since they didn't give him cement shoes. I discovered that harlem had a black godfather of crime, so now i am trying to buy a book on that history. I miss learning about history through the library but thanks to the florida governor. They vented out all the books that are deemed "inappropate and offensive" to be removed off shelves. I am so excited and waiting impatiently for the boulet brothers dragmonster world tour tickets to drop. It is torturous and yet exciting. I saw a few food articles. Kraft singles are debuting three flavors: carmelized onions, jalenpenos, and garlic & herbs. I don't think people love kraft singles that much to want it to be flavored but ok. There is also an article about a cookie bar in Orlando. They serve giant size cookies and bevervages. They sell coffee, boba tea, etc. I would love to try them out. I have a neighbor that lives on the other side of me. Whenever i cook something extra, I start giving them my leftovers of the things i cooked. My neighbor is actually a very active sportsman and works in aquatic engineering. He commented on my charmed ones which i didn't pay no mind at first. Then he brought over his dog which is a bit bigger than my dog Lexi. They are thick as thieves since then. They would chase each other and sometimes play tag. My neighbor Vin is very nice but also has these wild nights. One particular night, I went to see what it was all about. I peeked at the window where i saw him with a woman strapped to a wooden X being zapped. She had a rainbow light saber invading her carven. She sounded like she was almost reaching heaven. Everything in me ached and envied her for being in a position to be used like this. A wave of the heat rushed through me as i was fighting a bout of longing for Adam's scepter. I let out an involunteraily moan when he started to massage ice cubes on her body. He quickly swiveled his head toward me. I ducked hoping to the heavens, he didn't notice me. It seems like it was hours before it was over and his guest left. I noticed my Piper was drenched in her honey sickled juices when i tried to sneak back home. Vin spotted me and brought in the house to change out of the wet clothes. It was freezing outside, he didn't want me to get a cold. Vin confronted me about peeping on him. I pleaded ignorance but he slide his hands down my soaked shorts. I couldn't deny the evidence, then he started aggresively abusing my charmed ones. Rubbing and circling them with his hands. I was putty in his arms. He halfway lifted me to the pool table where he had me bent over and I remember wanting so much to be taken like that. Just before he could though, I cried out my chastity belongs to Capone. Before I left the place. I took a hot shower and chucked my soaked shorts and beetlejuice panties in the laundry basket. That morning Vin came over with some fish he caught two days prior and wanted to know about my chastity. I explained about chastity and he had this grin on his face. Without warning, he rubbed me till i was wet again then immediately stopped. Telling he wants to wait till it is off before indulging in me. 

I made porridge today. I should have just cooked for myself because the boys didn't dig into any of it. My period is making it harder and harder not to succumb to my urges. I crave cookies and chocolate but i have to refrain from those due to my fasting.I miss being devoured by hungry men but must stay away until the chastity comes off by the end of the month. My ex saber called on a private number just to harass and remind me that i will never find a dom that can understand me as much as he does. I wanted to make more scones but copped out of it due to the fact, my Piper was leaking.Capone has been trying to reach me a lot and talking to me often. I try to find the right words to say but terrified to hurt his feelings. I tried to avoid it, so i wouldn't have to deal with it. Just like i use sex to bury the harsh words and hard feelings i have buried deep inside of me. Having to be forced to confront them without using Adam's spector as a means to avoid it. It is the most harsh thing to deal with this whole experience. I decided for next month to become free use.I want to experience again what it is like not being able to say no and having my temple defiled by varagants and worshippers alike. 

I had to open today at work. It was probably the first time that it has ever happened before.It has been 16 days since my chastity combined with my period makes me into a very frustated sex demon. I want to be touched so badly and have their hands on me. I was cordially invited to visit Lucia's birthday. I keep being conflicted in my restraints. I am forced to deal with emotions i buried inside. I can't be avoiding my feelings based on the fact i don't want to be in a free for the day. 

This morning I will be cooking scones and herring pot pie today. I want to make sure it is perfect. I love cooking as much as serving the food I make. Celibacy made have a new perspective on life. Especially on how I have to take care of myself more and not trying to always be on demand all the time. I can't be their heroine all the time. Even heroes are human as well. Capone is doing rather well with his bodyguard job for the "don". Meerkitty still feels down about his split up from his former girlfriend. I think it will cheer him up if I found a a pair of girls to do threesome. I know it might give him that moment of feeling like a king to have that done to him. Lucia mental health is declining. I am debating if I should try for guardianship. On one hand, It will be good for him to have a familar constant face to help him with his everyday living. I know how to calm him down and i know how to handle him when he has his outbursts or episodes. On the other hand, I don't have enough to pay for his medication, his therapy sessions and I need to find a bigger place to care for him. Adult services would not let me keep him in a house crowded in with four other people. My cousin is writing letters to convicts to give them hope and had voluntarily add me in her program. I have been in contact with someone in jail. I just write about hobbies and the kind of music we like. We give each other musc suggestions and rate the music we suggested for each other. I am still not at ease with the idea of Capone being a bodygurad. The politics of society has become very votaile where even I can't have a opinion about a certain orange candiate without getting death threats or threats of violence against me. I pray that once everything settles and the flames are distinguished, it will go back to normal. If not, We might actually be seeing a repeat of Nazis Germany.

It has been nine days since I have been praticing celibacy. So far I cooked corn chowder, cheese ramen, spicy ramen,southwestern quiona and ate a lot of cheese. I had a casear salad today with no meat. I managed to file taxes two weeks ago,so i am just waiting for my return. Lucia managed to get a job at the Hilton. I am so proud of him even with his mental disabilities he manages to rise from the obstacles. Capone and I haven't been talking as much as i would like due to my constant busy schedule with work and working out. I also read more works from HP Lovecraft. I am reading the piece called "The Rats In The Wall" and so far i am sucked into the realm of the old victorian. I am raising my credit score up and getting to the point where I want to apply for another credit card. I want to get a Torrid credit card since I do most of my shopping there plus I love buying clothes from there. Another credit card i want to get is Hot Topic since i also buy things from them as well. Jingoku is sending me daily affirmations to keep me motivated and focused on my goals. I love it since it keeps me going and keeps me trucking for better.I better go I got a phone call from healtcare agent.

It has been seven days now and so far handling it well. I was able to catch up on bills. I dropped one of my insurances because of the payout didn't match up with how much I was paying for it. Capone is doing securtiy for the "don". Due to the social climate and how certain age group are more radicalized. I worry about his well being. There have been a couple days where either my foot is swollen or my ankle is swollen. I haven't watched porn nor had sex in the past seven days today. I have been distracting myself with journaling, cooking, and work. I really want to cook some scones and herring pot pie. Since it is in one of the cookbooks i own and I really want to know how they would taste if I put my magic touch on them. Lexi seems to be bonding to me since she gets excited when I come home always wanting belly rubs and to lay on my lap. I still miss my late beloved. I know it has been 6 years since he has been gone. But I can't forget him. I miss the way he kisses me or how he would cock his head a little when he is focused on his artwork. I miss the smell of paint and modeling clay on him. Envious angels took him back to heaven. Losing him made me go nearly insane. I still search for that aura of him even though it may be in vain. Even though I know i can never replace him, I still try to move on because knowing him. He will be sadden by me not living my life to the  fullest rather than yearning for death to reunite us once again. I made mug spaghetti with cheddar cheese with truffle on top. It was delicous.

Yesterday on New Years day was great. I helped my mom cook black eye peas while my dad had to cater to the demands of a spoiled furbaby named Lexi. Capone is still upset with me about not wanting to spend the night with him on New Years. Lucia isn't going to the psych ward. Thank god!  I guess he wasn't ill enough to qualify for instituanalization. I won't be doing much sexual things this month because of my fasting. I can't eat pork, beef, or any poultry or fowl. I can't engage in anything sexual including masterubating until February. This month will be slow so i will be taking up a secound job. I worked out yesterday and felt good. I am going to do another work. I finished filing my taxes. I hope it goes through without a hitch. Lucia was worried that me being polyamorous could cause problems since there already men that i decided to keep permeantly in my life. While the other men is just the type that I don't mind walking out on me to see them happy with other women. Jingoku respaspects the fact I am praticing celibacy yet occasionally he tells me about the hindu god Krishina. Krishina is my favorite one since they represent love. There is even a image of them feeding grapes to a woman while making love to her. I hope that this month on the year of the dragon. It will bring great fortune, true love and light.

So Capone is upset with me.  Lucia is being put up into psych ward. I am going to the county to fight for his behalf to prove he isn't that ill to be institunalized to being with. Meerkitty relationship is so far a bust. His girlfriend wasn't serious enough to want a relationship so he dumped her. I hope that one day I will get to plan his wedding for him. I love weddings. My favorite part is when the bride is weaing her dress and everyone has her eyes on her. I wouldn't mind being treated as royality for the day. Jingoku is spending new years with his family which is great. Lucia invited me to see the fireworks on new years eve today to welcome the new years to cheer me up. I am not too broken up about it. I just "go west" everytime. After all I am a queen of wishful thinking. Lexi is a spoiled princess as usual. She is running around the house barking. Jingoku also cheered me up with my secound favorite flowers: peach blossoms. Though they were digital picture of them, I still love them since it was something i loved and he made me laugh with his reassurance that it will be ok jokes he made. I am going to get some sleep i had a hard night last nignt receiving the news.

Today was a mixture of excitement and anticipation. Lucia finally moved out of the facility where he was being abused. He lives near Disney now and seems to be content with this change. He wants me to see him on his birthday. He also wants his "special treat". He is having nightmares of the abuse at the living faculity and I strongly believe giving him my sweet milk honey would damage him further.Capone has taken up a part time job as an enforcer of law. It makes me nervous when Capone talks about his gun control lessons and everything. I don't believe he has any mean bone in his body. Plus I am worried about his percipation and his beliefs being a conflict to his work. I was humiliated once by Saber's action and morals was put to the test and ended up getting burned. The last thing i need is a repeat of that said embrassment and standing by him while being draggged to the mud with him. My moon cycle is over but I still hunger for the male anatomy. My body. My temple. It craves worshippers to admire and gawk in awe of the beauty of my mounds and valleys. Warm hands rubbing oils and their scent all over my body. Rubbing the soy candle wax into my skin and reminsicing about the sensation my body felt when I was last dominated by son of Adam. I was a mere child comparedto his firm yet domineering hand on me. Jingoku is very kind to me and finally asked to meet towards the end of February. Capone already called dibs on me but I feel restrained from this fact. I don't enjoy staying in one place for too long which is part of my problem. I am ready to settle down which is true, I want to settle with more than one. I want to learn from different people and their cultures learn many things.

Today was hard. Lucia has informed me that he is moving to Ochokbee which is near Wintergarden. After I already booked the hotel weeks in advance. I know he is dealing with a lot especially with the new situation that you are an orphan. But at the same time, i wish he was more like Capone. Capone acknowledges my efforts and at least tries to match my efforts with the same or more. He even tries his best to give me the sunrise. Meerkitty blocked and banned me from speaking to him again due to his new girlfriend. It sucks but i still root for his happiness. Everything in my body craves to submit naturally and freely instead of always holding back. My late beloved managed to naturally get my complete submission to him because i felt safe and secure enough where i could tell him anything without judgement. He even accepted the fact i wanted another dom to take pleasure in though they took turns with me. Jingoku and I becoming fast friends. He is a computer engineer and gives me good ideas to try to get back in touch to my sexuality. My chocolate chip nipples are so sore and tender that it hurts. I would love for them to be carefully played with and licked. I want to escape to Tokyo in the new year. I want to at least try my luck with some of the men there or at least to lay some flowers on my late beloved.

Tonight i keep touching my mounds and curves of my temple.Each giving me waves when i touch the sacred flora of my garden. I can't explain how much I desire a master that naturally brings out the sexual pleasure of submission

Today I am praticing driving again with Capone. This time I will be wearing sneakers and just try to be more relaxed. The Devil reached out again asking for money to help fund his business. I straight up refused to help him; since he hasn't paid a dime back for the prior times i gave him money for his business.  He is still the creepy pompous hack from two years. Lucia is excited to see me Christmas day. I am more excited about being able to demonstrate my cooking skills and give him the best holiday to remember. I want to be able to provide a better life for myself since i see myself being more than this. I just have to put in the work and sacrifice things that I really want to get things done. I now have a deadline for myself to get things done. I have 3 years to get things done and be able to put Rescue Lucia mission in effect. I just need to get a third potential roommate that can deal with his mental illness. Once I manage to do that it will easy. Right now I got to get my licensce to get a car, so I an be able to transport myself to and from work. I love Capone for being a good person and understanding. I also love the push he does to get me to not quit when i feel like doing just that sometimes.

Tonight I made a mistake to answer the Devil"s phone call. He is the biggest mistake I have ever made. He used, abused and humilated me throughout the relationship. I am now in a place where I can be at eace and not pinning over him. Yet like a bad case of gential herpes, he comes back. I hate him for messing me up so bad and making me hate him so much. Or the fact I get triggered when  phrases or words other men use to make me feel disgusted. Jigoku and I are getting along quite well. He makes me laugh and we could talk about horror special effcts for hours without being bored. He is very intelligent and impresses me with his wit. Gotti "godfather" Capone took me out to dinner tonight. I enjoyed myself and loved his company. He even taught me how to drive a bit. My anixety kept making me unsure about things especially on something i already know. Devil sent me 10 messages and called over 6 times before I answered. He keeps talking about his homestead and wanting me to favor for him. He is a total jerk to want that right now. He even gave an open inviation for me to uproot myself from Florida to his New Jersey apartment. I rather move to Orlando to be a nurse for Lucia than being in New Jersey with a narasstic sexist bigtoed closeted cult leader wannabe. I just need to change my phone number and just get him out of my life. I wish he didn't exist so i wouldn't have to feel sick seeing him. I want to be more free with my body. I want to have Capone watch as i strip in front of him and just pour hot wax on myself.

Meerkitty is talking to me again: apparently she noticed he was gloomy and taking more shifts than normal. So she allowed him to have a friendship with me again. Labor day is today and i have to work that day. I hope one day I get to plan their wedding would be great. Capone is offering driving lessons. I would take him up on his offfer sine i have to take the drivers test portion to get my license. 

The hardest thing in life is not just surviving but being true to yourself. It is diffcult for me to say what is on my heart without hurting feelings. I am not the type that enjoys doing things like putting someone down to make myself feel better. I am the type that likes to help and cheer people up. Today I had to be honest with Capone and Lucia. Capone took it rather well, although I suspect i might wake up with cement shoes and a vibrator in me. Lucia, on the other hand, they were very upset. They dislike my honesty and was very hurt by it. I couldn't talk them out of it nor calm them down. I sometimes wish i could be cold hearted to the world instead of being kind hearted. Jigoku was kind to me today and we chatted for a bit. I am nervous but excited talking to them. I watched the secound episode of Dragula and loved the filth in it. My body longs to be covered in filth. I want to be covered in Adam's milk  and have his fig leaves blind me. I want the vines to restrain my wrists as i hold on for dear life. Holding on to the threads of sanity before i cry out from the pure pleasure of the godly creation called man. I want to feel his hands on the nape of my neck as he firmly holds me down in place. I want his golden stream to soil my mounds as  i beg for more. My body was created to be a helper to man, as well as, releief stress for them. Sons of Adam, will you not claim me?

Lucia is feeling like a black sheep. He feels like he has no family. I want to build a family for him where he feels welcome. I am still determined to get my license even if i have to pay to get a driverto teach me the driving portion. I will get my licensce. Jigoku and I chatted a lot in a chat app Line. He makes me feel excited and though he doesn't look like my belated beloved. He does have an aura of my beloved. I decided on January to focus on growth vastly and quickly upgrade myself. I know I can't be able to do this alone. I need to start reaching out and ask for help. As diffcult as it is for me since usually i am quick to give help but very slow to receive help. That is where i am at tonight.

Meerkitty finally got a girlfriend. It is bitter sweet since his girlfriend doesn't want him having female friends, so i lost a friend. But i am still happy about it since finally he is going to have his happily ever after. Lucia wants to be intimate with me and be with me. I am still aprehensive about it since dealing with his mental illness is hard enough as it is. Jigoku is making a very good impression on me. I hope he doesn't look like my beloved. I think my mind wouldn't be able to handle it. Capone is very nice to me. I appericate his generous nature but at the same time. I don't want to be cruel to him if i am not sure of myself. I know that I am wife material and submissive in training. Yet I long for a dom that I can truly be comfortble of showing my true self. Capone is coaxing my true self out of me. It helps me a little bit it is hard because I overthink everything. I want to accomplish a lot in such streined time. He is the type that i can talk to about being lost.The type that I can talk to about my accomplishments of the day today and celebrate them.

Today I feel torn up inside myself. Yesterday wasn't bad at all. It was a steady work day and just been busy trying to make sales. Capone had a birthday yesterday as well. The cake looks like it has traditional italian cream on it. I want to be more open with him but i can't seem to. Capone is very nice and kind to me. He is gentle with me in the hotel room though I kept resisting. Lucia is doing well and is also excited about my visit. I have been getting a lot of fans reaching out to me due to my journals. I am surprised since i mainly write them to record my desires, hopes and my secerets that I couldn't be able to tell family. One of the constants that i have been conversing to is whom I will call Jigoku. He has been a great support and reminds me more of my belated lover. I feel guilty sometimes associating him with Jigoku; especially since it is impossible to marry the dead. Let alone believe in the fact that Jig is recarinated version of my beloved. There are nights when I would have swore that i felt him in my bed. My beloved kissing my neck before i wake or just being in the shower and swearing that i felt his hand around my waist. As if he is trying to claim me again. Jigoku in a way revives my heart. Capone is trying his hardest to bring back my fire. I don't feel heartless anymore but i feel like the walking dead without my fire. Yet my body is hot andd ready to be consumed by hellfire. The hot flames scorching my flora where I am welled up with overwhelming cup of sweet honey coming out of me. Arching my back letting the slight sting of the sparks hitting my ass. Each spark more intense than the next. Blazes soaring to my breasts tickling my chocolate nibs. Melting oh so slightly to the warmth. Releasing a suppressed longing moan begging to feel complete. To be whole again. To naturally submit again to my loving dom not forcing myself to submit just to feel a warm touch of a man. I want to not only submit to my dom and explore our forbidden desires but i want to make love to my dom. I want to have a relationship with my dom and enjoy wearing his collar.

I finally saved up a grand! I am so happy about it and proud that i did it. I am stress eating again since my worries for Lucia. I want to be more open in my love life, but it is hard for me. Especially with someone like Capone. I am being pursued again by my abusive ex Sabir. He has went as far as waving a hemp of rope in front of my bedroom window. There is still this overwhelming urge to want to have children with a loving dom. I always dream of being in blindfolds, candle wax all over and my panties torn on my wedding day. My dog loves the cooling bandanas i bought them. She was so thrilled that she was modeling them around the house. I just paid for the extra stuff to pack in my brother's christmas present. I just need to finish up my drivers ed and start driving. My body desires something more and want new experiences. My flora desires to be teased and worshipped. I want my rectum to be stretched and stuffed nonstop. I want to exerience the rush that only comes when you find your true dom and lover. I want to feel my heart skip a beat. Lucia is trying his best to manage his mental illness. He keeps isolating himself from me. I understand why but it hurts because i want to help him. It has been almost four days now and i still can't get any respond from him in texts or phone calls. My godfather is tired of me spending so much time at work. He actually threatned to hook me up with one of the nurses at his retirement home. I always envisioned myself married off to a very attractive Asian man and waking up to having my favorite flowers laying next to me when i wake up: or something simple as a kiss good morning or feeling him caress my cheek before effortlessly leaving my bedside for work. I really need to open up more to Capone. He doesn't deserve me being so closed out from me. At the same time, I amterrified of being intimate with him because of my lack of exerience in the bdsm lifestyle and pleasures.

I will recap as much as possible what has happened so far in my life. Lucia is very eagered about my visit. It is probably the first time in the six years I have known him that he is happy. Truly happy. Meerkitty has grown restless from the constant flandering with other women and desires to settle down. Saturday was truly uneventful. I spent most of the day washing laundry and putting them away. I had no time to go to the arts and crafts show like I really wanted to do for fun. My period is finally over but I discovered my body is still sensitive to the touch. Yesterday Capone took me to a hotel and decided to be intimate with me. I paniced and kept stopping him. Capone was very gentle with me and found places where I was most willing to open up. Yet it is so hard to open up to him especially since I couldn't perform properly to his intimacy. I had a dream last night that a corner of my eyeglass was broken and needed repair. My husband graciously reaired and gave me a collar first to wear out and about with him. I remember feeling warm and loved by him. Safe. I never was able to see his face. I just know the aura he gives off. This morning my body yearns to be used in an unholy matter. My temple needs worshippers and offerings. I need my flora to be washed with rose petals and my skin covered in bull milk. I want to feel more than one stud to take control of all of my hallways and passages. Capone I hope someday can be able to unlock more than just the surface of my pleasures. I have much more to offer yet i am still trying to break out my force of habit of constantly restraining myself. I desire to be blindfolded and tied up so much. To feel hands all over me and wanting them around my neck gently choking me right before collaring me and dragging to an audience of hungry alphas. Awaiting for my master to present his main event to everyone to see.

There is a lot to recap so I will try to be brief. I went on a date with Capone. He was very nice and gentle with me as always but my mind wasn't there. It kept going back to Lucia. Lucia is on stronger meds but still not even close to better. He is a zombie around me and it breaks my heart to see him like this. My first boyfriend Dean walked back into my life. I don't love him anymore nor care if he is part of my life anymore. I almost forgot I released my golden water all over myself walking back home from a date. A horny neighbor unfortunately saw this. I was able to go in their house and changed out of my wet clothes. They wanted to wash my precious flora. I protested at first but I couldn't be able to leave if i didn't. They were gentle and attetive to the point i let out a moan but quickly covered my mouth. After the cleaning, they thanked me for the golden shower on his side lawn. They needed some "goddess" blessed water anyway. Lucia reinvite me to his place again and still has expecation of intimacy. Lucia even offered to home not only myself but my siblings as well. Capone complained about the lack of affection I was giving him. It is hard to be affectionate when you are exhausted with fatigue.I need to rest up and talk more later.

I am having problems sleeping. Due to the fact, I am very sexually aroused on my period. My body yearns for company in my bed. I am longing for candle wax all over my curves, and being wrapped in bondage tape and ropes. I want to be submissive and have his milk all over me.

Today I am not feeling too well. I ate some bad fastfood from steak-n-shake. I probably should of had wayback burgers instead. I had to postpone a date with Capone again. I feel bad about it since I did promise to spend time with him.  I also did that yesterday because i was tired from work and my nerves got to me. I don't understand why I am nervous of the thought of Capone touching me and joining him in bed. Is my trauma from my childhood resurfacing again? I bought dog treats for my Lexi. She really loves the capora! I kee putting off finishing up my drivers ed. I still need to schedule the knowledge exam for the restricts. I am always on the move and try to do everything at once. I want to have it done as quickly as possible. I really need to stop putting stuff off and rushing. My body still yearns to be dominated. I keep running through my head of being in bondage and being helpless, at the mercy of a man groping, sucking, licking my entire figure. It frightens me that I will be giving myself willingly to a man not because it was expected of me or feel obligated to do so. My flora is extremely wet lately maybe in reponse to me working out. Lucia was upset with the fact that I didn't want to give my temple to him for worship. He blew up on me and univited me. I am glad that I didn't spend any money on him like last time. Lucia always has these mood swings where he is friendly with me at one point but then next day at my thorat. It is major reason why I can't be his lover anymore. I can't fault him on him having a mental disorder but I need someone that I can be able to be present and is mentally all there. Lucia will always have a special place in my heart. I constantly think of my dom slinging wax on me and rubbing my pink petals. I want to feel his entire boa slithering inside my tight flora. I want to be submissive so bad.

Today I was blessed by the Great god almighty with significant increase in my credit score. I was so happy I wanted to spread my blessing by giving the best service at my job. Plus help out my mom with her daycare business. Capone is very nice to me and he makes me feel comfortable. I asked about the status of our relationship whether it was open or closed. He gave me an answer and when directed the question at me. I couldn't be able to give an answer. I want to say that I am commited to him but there is always this inkling of doubt that it will be the way i want. So I keep my distance and keep my heart guarded. Lucia is expecting me to lie in bed with him and i had to refuse. It is the main reason why I want to get a hotel room which keeps him from touching me in anyway. Yet at the same time, Lucia is getting worst. It breaks my heart when he calls me and he tells me what is going through his fast paced, disorganized, looney mind. I can't make sense of it. I keep wanting a lover to company my bed. I always imagined a lycanthrope or a vampire to slip in the dead of night. They open my legs ad just taste my chocolate bao. I burst molten chocolate all over their mouth and I beg them to go inside me deeper, harder, and I arch my back and I let out a moan. Their primal instinct kicks and they devour my flora with their fauna. I can feel their alpha male energy vibrate through out their body as i feel their laboring breathing. Their gutteral moaning in my ear as i hold on to the satin sheets from under me. My legs wrapped around them as they finally release their white lightening. It makes me excited everytime I think about it. 

My body yearns to be touched by a man like Capone. Yet i want to marry my dom. My honeypot still has sweet honey drippingly out and ready to give service to a dom that can satisfy my ever growing breeding fetish. It sucks not being fulfilled in such a way. My ex came to the house tonight. I told him to get lost and i had a ne man in my life. He tells me that i am lying then grabbed my charmed ones. I slapped him so hard in the face. Yet he liked me being defiant. He grabbed me and started rubbing my pink nectar. The more i struggled, the more he liked it. My brother was the one who intervened. He threatned calling the law if he came back again. My friend Lucia desires me to give him a warm body to help him sleep. It didn't help when he mentioned that he doesn't demand for erogenous pleasures that often anymore. Even tonight, i arch my back touching and worshippping my temple. Desiring folliwers to clean and worship me as their physical goddess.

I won a giftbasket for mens for the longest recepit. I was gunning for the women's giftbasket but i can settle for constellation prizes. My body still yearns for another lover to wake up to every morning and to go to sleep with every night. I managed to get two out of seven gifts for seven people. I got a plea from a friend named Lucia. He doesn't like to be alone for Christmas every year, so he invited me to go see him at his assisted living faculity. It is more like a prison to him based on the fact; that he was abused there. I decided to rent a few nights in a hotel which in essence gives him a chance to escape just a bit. Capone has been very nice to me. He always bring me flowers and treats me like i am a lady rather than a harlot. And as always without fail, on a third date i must allow Capone to touch my body and take pleasure from it. I am scared because my honeypot is sacred to me. I want worshippers that i can be able to just let go and allow them to feel every crevice of my glorious mounds and valleys. I don't want to avoid Capone since Lucia needs my attention. Lucia suffers from a very serious mental disorder that has him on fifteen different medications. One of whom he built immunity to. There isn't a stronger dose for it, so he has to be in constant therapy to battle his demons. He leans on me to help him through his manic episodes and take him back to reality. I am laying in bed cupping my brown sugar mallows wanting to be groped by my dom. I want him to feel how much my chocolate syrup wants that banana milk mixed up inside. I never longed fo my dom as much as i do now. I long to be touched but I long for compatability to just let go, to trust,to be able to speak the tongues of erogenious bliss. I am frightened to expect more out of men especially knowing there is no chiavarly anymore. It is part of the reason why I find Japanese men more alluring to me. As i  arch my back, i let a long shallow g as my flora starts to quiver. It wants to be whole. It wants to be wanted and doesn't want to give themselves to just plain cream cheese log. It wants an exquiste cornish hen feast with long wurst links. I better go i need some rest.

I spent the night at a friend's house. I finally can say with confidence that I don't feel anything for him. I love Meerkitty as a friend. Strictly as friends. It feels bittersweet. I am glad that i moved on emotionally from my love for him. But at the same time, I wonder what could of been. And not saying that loving him is what i was trying to do. Right now I have to beautify myself and get into the sexy mode for the date on Sunday. I hope my efforts will be rewarded greatly. I hope one day I can unlock my submissive side and just let go. I will be just content in my own skin. 

I wish for one night that i see my belated lover again. I miss his ivory skin, his long black hair and the way that he made my flora leak sweet honey nectar.  I still love him and want him. Yet i can never be able to bring him back from death. Capone talked about buying me lingerie and i decline the offer. I don't want him to feel like i took advantage of him or used him if things go south. My body yearns for meaty thick anaconda to slither inside my damp cove. I arch my back crying out the forbidden name that i dare not say out loud. I moan as i rub the pink petal of the flora. I desire his hands locked around my neck and the feeling of silk on my skin. I want to be full of his milk and then have an audience take advantage of my senuaous body of mine.

Yesterday I had a normal day. Capone wants to meet again though I want to. My heart is still made of cold stone. I have to get ready and get back into fitness for my body. I can't help but want to more for myself. I have 3 insurances to pay plus the interest on a credit card. I also have to prepare to schedule an eye exam plus get new eye glasses. I have so many expenses to cover but not enough to cover everything. My friend Anubis is worried that I push myself to hard. he wants me to take an easy and relax before i burn myself out. He suggests to go on a date and marry a man with favorable status and be content to be a housewife. I could never say yes I desire the freedom to work if i want to. I want the choice to pick a mate that i choose to submit to a deserving dom that i can fufill their fantasies as well as my own. i want to be safe in his arms while trusting him to train me in the pleasures of submission. i desire this so much.

My friend we will call Amandiel confessed his love for me. He even offered to support me and my brothers if my parents passed away. I told him that he should focus on himself instead of looking for a relationship. Capone advised me to move on and not live in the past. My body aches for companionship. I want to be married into the lifestyle but yet i want to raise a healthy and loving family. I want to be treated as a goddess in public yet become a sex slave in private. I get so excited of the thought of earning being collared. I was instructed by a gyno doctor to make myself tighter was to use kegel balls. I keep wanting to be an audience to see me being in bondage and blindfolded. I desire to be devoured in the flames of lust. I can't help but think about the man that made me so wet. He must be a mafiso in a past life. I want to be passed and shared with others. I want to be slowly choked while in the position of submission. I want to be his pleasure slave.I wonder what would happen if i went on a date with anal beads inside me and kegel balls in my flora center.

I went to see Capone today at a mexcian Restauurant. I had a fun time and he was vey funny. He even gave me flowers. I wish i wasn't on my period and not in a bloated state. I probably would look a lot better. His cat Brutus is a total mess lol.I suspect he will do well with the family dog: Moxi. It is hard to not be caught up with someone that you still feel love for. Meerkitty and I are good friends just he isn't into me the way I am with him. I decided to move on and make myself available to a man that actually see my worth. I desire to be more fit for myself and fit in a little black dress that accents my curves especially my chest. I am still getting swarmed with fake doms and plenty that promise one thing but don't follow through. I even got a essay assignment from a dom. It was interesting. I better get ready for bed. I have work tomorrow. I hope one day feudal Japanese tradtions come back and is implemented in Japan. I feel like Americans do not honor their elders nor look after them anymore.

Yesterday is uneventful just the usual routine. Go to work, alittle shopping and then go home. I am getting a little better with saving money. Last week i managed not to spend $100 to add on to the new paycheck. The week before that it was just $70. I payed for my drivers ed class finally just now steadily passing each chapter getting closer to scheduling to get a driver's permit. I paid off my sephora credit card which is nice. Marco is very nice guy and very sweet. He is way older than me but I am not too bothered by it.I want so badly to be married and have children. I want to feel life inside me again before the day i miscarried. There was a couple from New York that reached out to me here from New York. Part of me wants to go for it while another part of me wants to see how long Marco will be around before he just up and leaves. It is frustrating coming home to no partner to share a bed with. Not being able to be held and wanting so badly for someone to touch your moist tight center.Having the urge to want to be bent over and having my coconut milk dripping down my legs. Screaming. Moaning. Begging for someone to just reliev the aching throbbing pain in my flora center.Feeling their hands around my neck as they squeeze gently but firmly in place as I squirm around from excitement. Losing myself in aspectastcy, crying for more as i grind myself on their now soaked fingers. Just begging to be fulfilled but only to be denied until i help them release pressure from their garden hose. Just the thought of it makes my chocolate chip nipples hard. Will i ever find someone like that?

Today is interesting. I will try to recap as much as possible.I got a message from an older man from here. We will give him the name: Capone. He is Itlaian and a chatterbox. He is very sweet and friendly. My ex Sabir managed to text me to let me know where to contact him if i need him. I told him to leave me alone. He did enough damage to me both mentally and fincially. I had this dream last night about being in restraints. I can feel hands on my body. Groping me. Feeling me. I remember soy candle wax dripping down my chest.Pleasuring the man that i am suppose to submit to. Anyway I saw a trailer for Saw X. I am hooked. My friend KittyMeer wants me to come over and spend the night. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I feel like not going. I shouldn't be having pleasure with him if i know there is no emotion in it. But at the same time, I don't want to devoid him of what he obviously desire. Interaction with opposite sex which is genuine. Capone showed a picture of his pet cat: Brutus. He is so cute. Also been showing pics of various lingerie to see how i like them. I feel like he already made up in his mind that we are a couple. I don't mind the amourous actions. I am used to the fact that men fall for me easily. I just wish I can get them to actually put a ring on my finger. Capone mentioned living in New York. I wonder if he ever been to the BeetleHouse restaurant. I have seen videos and pictures of it. I would love to go but mostly want to see my grandmother. My father always promise to plan a trip to see her with the family but never does. I want to see her so at least i can cherish while she is still alive. I better go. I have to clean myself up.

Today I worked out and skipped breakfast. I called a friend of mind and they were doing ok. They were furious with the fact over an argument. I drank two bottled waters today and a glass of sweet tea with ice. I have a craving for something yummy but i dont have peacan syrup. Another old flame of mind reached out and decided to leave Florida since the social climate is way too facist for him. I don't blame him for leaving especially with everything that has happened with our govenor. As for me, I got drenched yesterday from the rain. I had to buy a new outfit but returned the shoes since they were squezzing the hell out of my feet. I got a few messages from doms and less from male submissives since updaating my profile. I would love to come home to a dom having me immediately on my knees ready to service him. But also come home to him asking about me and alloing me to unwind first before submitting to him.  Lately the type of men coming out of the woodwork are fake doms. They say they want a submissive and start right off the bat demanding for submission. It makes me laugh because my submission to you should be earned, not demanded. Not to mention, it rubs me the wrong way they call me bitch or hoe when first contact with each other. I am starting to feel the older men might know more about domination then us younger generation.

Today I am trcking what i eat and excersing more. After being hit by a guy at a bar last night. I started to do and look at things differently. I enjoyed drinking water more and not craving sodas. I want to become something irrestible to men not just by my sexuality but by my purpose. A friend reached out to me. They still living in the faculty where a resident sexually abused them. Their parents just disowned them for being born with mental illness. I hate them for that. I wonder if their any men  that exist that can make my desire to carry children inside me a reality. I want to talk to the man that got my interest many years ago. I wonder if they still want to see me and meet.

Today I am home alone and freely cumming all over my bedsheets. I am sexually frustrated because i want a dom to come home to. The type that can satisfy my desires and the urges. I love the thought of being naked in front of a strong man. I applied for a credit card for the first time. I am happy to say I was approved. Just working to get a good credit score instead of fair. I want a man to approach me and just start groping me from behind, rubbing my flora center till i leak honey sap. Just really love smart and successul men. I like to imagine them towering over me and taking advantage of my sex to the point that i am addicted to their primal appetite.

Just have a lot to unload in this entry. For starters, my best friend wanted me to date him again. Another ex,the one that left me in credit card debit, wants me to go to New York with him. I told him no and to call for someone to give him money. Another bestie of mine, Sam Clark, he invited me over to his place. I told him no since i Know he just like playing with my tits. I still crave a daddy dom to marry and create a family with. Especially the type of daddy dom that i can be myself around him. I want to be able to fall asleep on his chest but also be able to tell him that i want to have my clit teased before entering me. I want to be able to go on a shopping spree at least once every three months but model in front of him while he compliments the clothes i wear in front of him. I ant to burn fat at the gym with him then get rewared with his amazing phallus. I want to moan so loud when he is pounding me that people would think that i am dying. But alas i have to resigned myself to fake hot rod and my wand. Is their a daddy dom out there that i can be myself to?

Today my period is over! Now I just need to focus on getting rid of my period weight plus going on another date to find my dream dom. I am attracted to physically fit men since I want to join them in the gym to workout. I want to also be covered in his sweat when he yanks me in the lockerroom. I want to be treated like a princess in public but a slut in bed. I want to be a dom's pet and sex toy. It makes me envious and hurt when i see fit men with their amazingly fit women. I fanastize what it would be like for them to be clad in leather and straps. The female partner being submissive and allowing her masculine dom to treat her like a bitch in heat. I hate being a woman with a loving touch of a daddy dom. I want to be their wife, their mother of the children, and their lover. My heart is tried of being unappericated and not getting enough gratitude. My heart has become cold as stone and full of contempt towards men. Yet i can't get enough of their disgusting foul garden hose. Maybe i should try my hand as a mistress. But then again, to be a good domme. I have to know how to be a good submissive.

I can't sleep due to the fact that everything in my body wants to be filled with man juice. I hate my periods. They make me super horny and crave to belaid a lot. I have been corresponding with a fellow sub we shall call as Jean. Jean interests me very much despite being across the country. I crave to have a master to submit to and to indulgein his desires. I need to find a cryptid to lay pipe in me. It would be interesting to allow a vampire or lycanthrope to be my master. Work was miserable since there was no ac. I kept thinking of wanting the german tourists at my counter ould just rio my clothes off me and just have their way with me. God i just wqnt to be satisfied

So I got dumped today which isn't surprising. I feel that all the men that I have dated would eventually leave me so I try not to be attached. Jake didn't understand why i am so distant and don't let him in my world. I just used to people walking in and out of my life that it doesn't hurt me anymore. Anyway I am seeking someone who is a dom and a partner. In the meantime, I am listening to the audio of driving manual which is very helpful so far. I am healing a bit and made a friend from Miami. He is healing too and he is very artistically talented. I know someday once he healed he can be able better and stronger than before. I believe that in life everyone wants to be seen, heard and cherished. Just hard to find it in this world filed with people that uses your kindness and gentleness for weakness. Now i am seeking a dom for survival and escape. I know it is dangerous to trust any random daddy dom, but i dont have a choice in that matter anymore.

I gained 7lbs today and struggling to lose weight. I miss being touched and treated as a girlfriend instead of a slut. I want to do a strip tease for a deserving dom that will cherish and appericiate me. I want him to worship me like a goddess by having his hands all over me. I also want a solider to push me to be a better version of myself and call out my bullshit when needed. He has to be into fitness because i am trying to lose weight; I want a partner to do cardio with and teach me to do excerises correctly since i am new at being active on the regular. I wanted to be the kind of woman that every man wants as a wife if they are a good man.

Jake wanted me to read my journal outloud to him. And he managed to critique every single thing in my journal including my puncuation and my words i use to write in my journals. I hate when he does that especially degrading me on my journals. He even degrade me on the fact i woke up still wearing my night gown. He hated that i am not active in the morning. He hated that i didn't shower in the morning nor change out of my gown fast enough to somethng else. While he critizes me about it, I changed my dog's pee pad and clean their paws. I shouldn't have to feel low about myself and cry everytime i am around him. He doesn't even switch up his fuck game. Anyway I got paid today which is nice and managed to get my packages delivered to me soon. I am so excited about it. I still need to update my info for entertainment account but still ok. I shouldn't have to feel ugly around him nor become someone else to get his approval. I bet there is a lot of guys out there that appericiate a woman that rub his feet after a hard day of work, clean clothes washed and folded, cook their favorite foods for them just to show how much you love them and appericiate them and loves to wear sexy outfits and lingerie for them just because they feel sexy and love to be sexual with them. I want to just enjoy being a woman again.

I have some good luck today. I managed to raise my bad credit score to fair. But still have a long way to go. I saw some panties that i love to get from Torrid. Torrid has a lot of amazing stylish and fashionable clothes for plus size women like myself. I found another adult entertainer that i like: Mike Mancini. I love his peppery beard and he seems to be a daddy dom. I wouldn't mind having that in my life especially since i bet he can teach me a thing or two. I got some worked up from watching one of his videos that i came on to Jake. Jake didn't care and didn't want to touch me since i was on my period. Once i stop bleeding, I want to go to the gym and work out maybe snag a horny meathead to punish me in the lockerrooms. Or something similar to dilf bod that is able to leave a lot to the imagination. I desire such men like Mike and Jean. I don't know maybe just too horny to think straight anymore.

Today I got a heavy period today and it sucks. I signed up for another dating site where i showed my face. It sucks that I keep running into men that don't deserve my time. I took a love guide test today and found out my love pattern is dreamer. Now I just need to figure out to find my ideal soulmate in the realistic world. I fantasize a lot about sex lately than again. Everytime I am on my period i become a major sex fiend. I long for a lover to take control of me in such a way to mold me into their personal slut. I often fantasize of a famous adult entertainer I like: Jean Val Jean. He is an all round mordern romanticist and reneassice man. I would give anything for him to own me and dominate me like a pleasure slave. I know I am not his type anyway but a girl can dream.I have been corresponding to an older man on here. Let's call him Billy Joel.Joel is very stimulating and makes me feel safe around him. I can open up to him and tell him anything without feeling judge or crufixed for it. Maybe I do want a daddy dom to put me in check and be his very rebellious college school girl or something that needs a good spanking on my chocolate muffins.My partner Jake is hard to tell him about how I feel and what i really want because he bites my head off everytime. It is a good thing that I have an open relationship with him. Just for once, I want to be able to have a lover that i can be completely myself without restrainng myself.

Today I had work and just worked four hours. I also having hard time being able to find a partner that is able to satisfy me mentally, physically as well as spiritiually. It is annoying and i am realizing that I can't do somethings by myself and need help.I probably be able to figure it out eventually. Last night I had a dream about being ball gagged and have nipple clamps on my sensitive chest. My flora was teased relentlessly to the point i beg for release. I was put on all fours and my master started wildly slinging melted soy wax all over me while doing me doggy. I wish that is was real so badly.

Today I am just frustrated with Jake. He always pushes buttons to the point where he just pisses me off. I want to be sexy around him and be in touch with my sensual self again. Yet I can't be able to do that with him since he doesn't even care about it. He cares about wanting me to get a scale to lose weight which i understand where he is coming from but still hurts. I have been trying to build myself up yet keep secound guessing myself and holding back. I want to be told i am ok to be myself and to believe what i want to believe. I want to wear lingerie and just be called sexy when i am wearing it and just be devoured. I fought with Jake today because i was referring to my ex as bottom of the barrel people and he didn't want to hear about my ex ever. He doesn't even like me mentioning my ex. It all stems from the fact he thinks i am refering to him as bottom of the barrel people when it is the exact opposite. I can't open up to him because it feels like he bites my head off for me talking to him or it becomes a huge agrument, I don't like fighting with him about things and just want to enjoy him. Yet i want sex to be enjoyable and not painful to the point i feel like a cheese grater is grating me from the inside. It gets agraviating trying to commuincate how i am feeling without being judged. I just want him to punish me by using anal beads on me and slinging hot wax on me. I want to be handcuffed or in retraints and just forced to take his cock in me without me resisting him. I just wish he could dominate me like this

Today I played with my flora to my favorite bdsm video. I was aching to have anal beads shoved deep in me and to be handcuffed. The guy whom I was fucking caught me with it and instead of fucking me like I desire to be. He reverted to playing with my flora and same three positions. It bored me to tears and I am starving for more. I want him to do more to my body. Why else would he ask me to bring my anal beads, nipple clamps and the leather whip over? I hate that I want to be dominated so much and not getting the pleasure I desire.

Last night I was motivated by pessitimitic man named Jake. I am pushing myself to be healthier and i have to break my bad eating habits which means stop eating fastfoods and junk food. Start focusing on more wholesome healthy meals for myself and save myself for a change. I finally cried my last tears on my ex and all the toxic men in my life. I made a list of what I wanted to do but afraid to do. I am afraid of losing weight because i feel that i will only attract more attention to me and also they will leave me because i am not worth it to them to be a pleasure slave/wife to them. So with the weight, i know they are leaving me because of my weight not because of me. I am fraid to bare my soul to anyone because i have been hurt so many times that i just built this wall around me to protect myself. I don't want to live like that anymore. I want to live my life with hope and motivation. I want to be able to find a loving dom that i can build trust with and enjoy music with. I want to show him that i can be a wife material and a pleasure slave. I want to enjoy sex and not feel anixety or feel like sex is a chore rather than just a time to indulge in physical connection that is beautiful and magical in itself. I want to comunicate my wants and desires better. I want to be connected to my body where i can tell my partner how to touch me, how to turn me on and how to get me to release my sweet honey nectar. I want a relationship with my dom not to be just physical but lead to marriage as well.

Today I have a problem with intimacy and money. Intimacy: i am fooling around with a physically disabled guy whose cock is lengthy and girthy. He has a horse dick i guess. He stretches me out and hurts when he is in me. He haas high sexual cravings but bores me with the vanilla sex. I want to be in bondage and have wax dripped all over me. I want anal beads to stretch me to the point i am begging for his man meat. I got a dm from darkknight. He seems interesting and more curious about him. I wonder if he can be my workout buddy. Money: i tend to spend money on monotarey things to make myself feel better or if i want to pay for myself and not have my partner or another man pay for me, i am now forced to revert back to my college days of eatting noodles everday and shopping solely on wish and dollar general. I would love to be off the market by a worthy dom.

I am not getting off to porn like i used to. I crave for connection and attachament to a loving dom. Draco turned out to be another disappointment. I am actually considering hiring a matchmaker in order to find my kink soulmate. Work was dull as usual. I keep cravingthe usual vices: a handsome asian dom to use my bondage tape on me and drip wax all over my body before ravaging my flora center. My ex called me deranged because i refused to send him money when he had insulted me and spent it on other things besides what he said would be used for. I am so confused about hat to do and everything inside me is burning to be filled with vanilla cream in all my holes.

Draco is the type of man I really want to submit to. We have know each other for four years. He always managed to make me excited and we would talk to each other for hours on end. He makes me laugh and everything is screaming for him to collar me. My ex tells me that i am going backwards and dating below my grade because he doesn't have a car nor hasn't a career where he is wanting to advance. i don't care about that. He treats me with respect and dignity, never degrades me on my weight, he makes me feel beautiful both inside and out. My opinion matters and he makes me feel safe whenever i am around him. Iwant to be with him and be his wife. I want tobe his pleasure slave and to have him put a collar around my neck. I love Draco deeply and fully

My date with a crippled man was interesting. He is a stoner but he is very sweet and decent guy. He makes me feel beautiful and thinks of me as a woman not a piggybank. Then i went to see my fwb and he told me about the adventure they had with their kid and wish i was there with them. My ex decided to come see me and damaged me where he pinned me down and spilit the lower skin inside my flora and decided to leave me with the scratches and the torn skin. i had to dap perixode and vaseline on myself since i can't afford to get medical insurance. I hope Draco would love to see me in my collar in front of me. I am going to work out since i have been neglecting myself due to being so depressed from dumping my ex. I am doing a lot better now.

My old flame reached out to me. I never thought it would happen considering the circumstances. WE talked for hours on end and made me laugh so hard. I was invigorated by him and still loved him. He still feels the same way about me too. He lives in Zephryhills and already i feel wet from the idea of allowing myself being submitted to him. i want so badly to be collared by him. 

Last night I cried all night and can't explain why. I wish I could explain why. My fwb confirmed that no matter how hard i love and how much i give finicially, emotionally and mentally. I will never be a part of his world. So i have to walk away and let him go. I still love him but i can't make him love if he doesn't. Yuki still has interest in me and refrained from sexting me in order for me to get sexual relief. True sexual relief. I have to go to Okinwa and be on my knees in front of him. I am terrified of this revelation because it is the reality i have to live. I spent another night in my bed alone not haveing my flora center satisfied and knowing that i am going to belong to Yuki scares me even more. I never wanted an elderly master in the first place and always wanted to be oned by someone that was young and handsome just like the men in the Resinnance paintings. I better start washing my dirty dishes and get some hot tea in me. I have a long nightshift today.

I am so pertifried with fear it is crumpling me. This guy we will call Yuki demands me to put in my two week notice. And immediately go to see him in Okinwa to be his pleasure slave. He is proving his point every day that i am in contact with him about everything going on with me. He can even see how i struggle with my sexuality to the point where i can't get enough of wanting to be used as a sex toy. I hate it when people can see right through. I desired so much to be abused like this and love the prey feeling when around Yuki especially when he is a full blown predator. I better get ready for work.

There is a lot to recap so I will be brief and precise as i possibly can. The guy that was honing on me has been pursuing me. It excites me and thrills me to know he thinks of me that way. I can't divulge a lot since i agreed not to reveal too much. He basically desires to mold and shape me into sex slave by first intationing me into it. One of things is by taking away my choices and demanding me to quit my job to relocate to place which wiil call Okinawa. I am resistant since I have been in this situation before where i followed a fake dom to places like Kissimmee and Davenport helping him by promoting his website and paying for his booze and sometimes board. I worked two jobs in order to support him and bought groceries. Only to be saddled with debt and a garbage full of things. Did i mention I had to call home to get picked up and returned back in the decrypted state which is now home? I don't need to look like a fool again which is why i am not fully sold on it. On the other hand, becoming a sex slave is what i really desire to be since I enjoy sex. I want to be covered in the white sticky milk and the molten wax. I want to be able to just shut off my brain and just enjoy sex and not be this obligation or just another chore. Yet at the same time, I don't need to be screwed over again. I want to at least talk to another slave of his and see with my own eyes the pure freedom of being a sex slave. Plus I am making a giftbox for a friend for his birthday in March and been buying little by little to build up the ultimate birthday box for him. I even promised to spend time with on Valentine's day since for one: the guy i was pining for was a scammer and two: i want to at least showcast how much of a gentleman he is to at least get him a proper girlfriend. God why do i always have to think of the pros and cons of every abspect of my life?

I pissed of two men today.One is an old man that wanted me to permeantly relocate to Boca to be his personal sex slave. I didn't want to go because i believed he didn't look enough to be my dom and my master Another single father wanted to meetup just to talk and hangout but he looks like redneck. I need a guy that looks like prince charming not total rejaspects. I deserve the best that life has to offer not the trash i keep finding. I want to be lightly choked but primal rage ravaged my precious flora. I want to be knocked off my high horseand become a complete personal adult toy to a man. I desired a handsome man to be my lover, my dom, my master. I hate looking constantly for men like that and not getting any results. Can someone please put me in my place?

Fear is a powerful emotion. It can cause people to do horrible things or to do couarageous acts. My fear i never being loved the way i desire to be loved. That my ex is right about me not knowing what i want.That my best bet is to be married to him and that i am retarded and stupid. THat i don't live in reality. I can't describe the pain of never being good enough to be loved or desired by any man that i want. I am to be arranged to be married to a man whom has already taken money from me and used it to fund his mentoring website. He broke my heart, stole my money, took my voice and even took my worth as a woman away from me.Just to chase after his millions. He is holding me hostage because of his constant assaults to me. My godfather told me to marry him to ensure my security and safety in order to not be homeless. He called me demented retarded insane whore. I am not even worthy enough in his mind to take up as his wife and submissive. He doesn't want to have kids so i will never hear the a baby's laugh, hold my child's small hands nor watch them grow up. He stole all of that from me. Just like The Furies I hope to haunt him with my discontemptment and my anger towards him. I do not wish him peace. I want him to know what it is like to have his dream torn apart in front of him.

Sorry For being in hiatus for so long. I decided to spend the whole month of January to heal myself spiritually and mentally. I avoided sexual gratification of every kind including watching porn or masturbating. My diet mainly consists of fish, vegetables, fruit, nuts and bread. I am excersing almost everyday and doing more if i miss a day or two. I started up talking to plenty of men but never meeting them to avoid the temptation of actually sucking on their cock. I had my savings drained thanks to a hacker, so i have to save up all over again. I got some of my money back. I cried three times and can't explain why that happened. It feels like i am losing myself in this abyss of constant disappointment. I desire so much to be dominated and be loved for just me. I even fantansize a forced breeding scenario of my future husband forcing me to have his children on our wedding night after we are married. Although i know not all men are the same but i feel that finding my asian dom is so hard.

Today I had to go to work. Nothing unusal there just wish I had someone to come home to. I did something completely out of character to myself. I would take up many lovers at once to prevent myslef from being lonely. Instead i got rid of the problematic ex, dumped the other guy that i felt nothing for. My heart is consumed with love and affection for my fwb. But he doesn't want me like i wish he would. My body aches for amaster to breed his seed in me and force me to have his children. I want to raise them full of virtues. No lies and no secrets. I want to have a collar around my neck and be owned as their free use pleasure slave. My family will never understand why i desire so much to be loved this way. My mother actually bought clothes for me and they look so bad that i swear they make me look like someone else's grandmother but i appericate the the thought. I wish I could find an Asian dom that was into me but i should just visit him in my dreams.

I got dumped by a dom today. It isn't a surprise since i know myself better than anyone. I liked him as a friend not like a lover.I need to say my true feelings more than to hide it. I find myself wanting be everyone's lover but i am incapable of doing so. My dom in my mind is Asian and quite handsome. These doms i constantly encounter are either white or too husky or combination of both. I hate that i attract these type of doms. My desire is to be dominated by oriental master and it is why i can't just simply give up control. Not becuse a dom commands or demands my submission. Because I am submitting to you willingly and because i trust him enough to give myself to him. My Dom mentored me about self sabatoge that i keep doing and the gazillion excuses of why i wouldn't relocate. I need to be safe and secure. I am an wild animal taken out of my natural habit into a different enivironment. I am going to not do so well without getting use to my surroundings. I need to be exposed to it little by little. Plus i want to have kids and can't with this dom. So in short, i like him as a mentor but i can't see myself submitting to him. I need a dom to rape me into submission with his glorious sausage. Until i start calling him shujin-san. That is what i really want to experience

My body still aches to be whole.I spent three days with my fwb. Helping him ease his pain over the woman that he loves deeply that cut him so badly. After he was done using my body as his sex toy. There was tears in my eyes. I don't understand why since he didn't hurt me at all during sex. Just even though i wanted his love and his affection. I knew it wasn;t real. My ex chooses to believe a lie instead of the truth. It only means he will be disappointed when it doesn't come true. Sexually i still think of the ways i wanted to be conquered by him but at the same time glad i haven't devoted myself to him and split with him. There is a dom that interest me and we have been conversing on kik. He interests me and excites and hopefully he feels the same. I am staring at the unlit soy wax candle near my window. I am already imagining the pleasurable escasty of having white soy kisses all over my body while wringling under the black bondage tape i stillkeep in plain sight that i hope one day is actually used on me. Then having all my wholes gaped and violated until i understood my body doesn't belong to me anymore but to my lover. My partner. My soulmate. My husband.

I want to to be free of the thought of inferiotry> Being called degoratory names based on my race just shows how ignorant they are. I am so glad that i left my ex. It was a blessing in disguise. I have work throughout the week with the exception of Thanksgiving. I wish i could become a man's woman already and be displayed on the table as a table center piece where they eat desserts off my body and then forces me to stay stilll while being teased and being denied to cum until the the gathering is over before indulging in me.

I stayed at a fwb's place for a few days. he was so broken up over his ex. He was suicidial and i told him to leave his burden on me and just let me catch him when he falls. It was scary but i want to be there still. My ex as usual is dragging his feet with his own success. I can't believe a genius can act so foolish and stupid not to work for his vision instead of being dependent on handouts from family and the women he fucks with. He is so pathetic. I want to wake up in the morning with a cherry blossom beside me right before i find him and i kneel before him completely bare asking him to take me. Wanting his permission to touch my body excites me and the thought of being blindfolded and lightly choked as he has my flora center opening up to the invasion of an orchaid praying mantis would be great. My dream dom always graviated to asian men since western people think asian decent are nothing but they are a lot more than they think. but i should settle for another night alone in my room begging for domination of my body, complete submission to the stronger opposite sex, and the primal urge of wanting to be conquered 

Today just gaming and reading all day. I am also ready to wait out the hurricane. The island is being evacuated and some are actually staying. I am not worried since this house has survived hurricanes before so no doubt it will survive hurricane again. Last night my ex called since he wanted somebody to talk to, I told him flat out that i was done with him. I made it clear and just focused on starting over and becoming a submissive free use bitch in my own way. I am torn because though i am done with him. His manmeat was undeniably good with its hotdog color and thick rod. But at the same time i shouldn't have to beg to be spanked, dominated or even restrained. i shouldn't even beg for his affection or attention. I should just get it because i mean that much to him that i am his lover and personal play thing to use at will. Is it wrong for a strong woman that works hard to want this?

I messed up on the weekend. I thought i had a boyfriend but it turns out that i was just a security blanket for him. It hurts to know that but i am glad that i had the truth to me now instead of hidden from me. I hope he finds happiness someday but for now. I am back on the market and going to focus on building myself as usual. I had an sexual encounter that i killed the moment because I was choked and groped but i couldn't do it.Now i am doing everything to make it up to this jerk.

It is offical. I am tired of porn and playing with myself. It bores me when i fantasize about things done to me but never happens. It is sexually frustrating not being satisfied by myself anymore. I will wait till i am in heat again to do "flora treatment" on myself. My bf had mental breakdowwn from depression. I held him in my arms and just want him to get better. He has been depressed lately all the time and scared that he is going down a dark place. I just wish i could do more to help. I passed my driving test with 82% on a third try. Just need to schudele a knowledge exam test and then take the driving test and get my drivers license. I will be free to travel on my own and do a lot more than currently. I just want to submit to someone that i love and actually checks off everything that i need not necessarily by what i want.

I am starting to think i am running out of time. Because i am 30 years old and still no kids to call as my own nor a husband that I can submit to. Plus my hatred for my ex is turning me int something that i depise. I don't like treating men that are nice to me as passive aggressive or even cold to them. I normally help them but lately just avoid helping them lately and not act warmly. I need to suck out this posion that is destroying my heart. I wish to submit to a worthy dom that understands that i rather work hard to get the dream i want and not have it just given to me. I miss my belated lover Angeles. He would understand me and always managed to give me what my soul was begging for. I can't believe he took his life and left me alone to carry the world on my shoulders. I long to join my lover but at the same time i can't take my own life because i am not taking a coward way out. I am going to work out and make desserts.

I pissed off my Ex tonight. i left my note to self to him on purpose about my view of a dom and submissive roles. I believe a submissive has the power to choose who they submit to and don't have to validate their choices to anyone but themselves. A dom"s role is build trust and confidence with the sub where they (sub) can be able to willingly subnit to them.With out it, a sub wouldn't take them seriously or worst might laugh at them because of the fact they instinctively know they are trying too hard to prove they are dom. He was so triggered by it it was so funny. He gave me this spill that I have an Asberger brain. I countered by saying the ones that demandsthe loudest are the ones that want to be dominated. It makes sense why he is so abrasive and aggressive when it comes to his pursuit for the other sex. Imagine a " demented whore bitch" having completely and utter control over him. The same bitches that he despies and look down on that he ends up submitting to. That is something i would pay to see.

I finally made a decision on my relationship. I decided to choose my dreamy dom over my ex. What made me decide this is the fact he had me contact another woman to help but only to find out they don't need the help at all. It is just the usual aggressive attitude forcing his "mentoring" and "help". With the dom i have been talking to for the best few weeks: he is nice, doesn't degrate me on my weight, actually got the skills to back up his claims, and makes me feel like a woman and wants to build me up instead of tearing me down with his words or yelling at me. I can't wait to meet him someday.

I am completely torn i have a dom that wants me as i am yet i have my ex that claims he wants me but treats me badly. i dont know what to do.

Today work was ok but not busy. Talking to this Dreamy Dom makes me feel like i am at ease. Yet for some reason, I are really getting sucked into him. My ex wanted me to send him protein poweder and earphones to the rehab facuility that he is serving his year probation in. He tells me i should be planning the weddings to his many wives including being married to him. I told him to shove it. He says i shouldn't try to become a wedding planner anyway because i am too abused and retarded to do it. My so called boyfriend didn't claim me as his girlfriend but as a friend that happens to sleep with him. He doesn't want to put a ring on me ever and i shouldn't expect anything from it. It hurts but at least now the only thing holding me back from relocating is past experience and family. I keep thinking about having My Dreamy Dom in his arms, groping me, feeling my chest, sticking his fingers in all the holes. Rub my pink rose bud then withdrawing for me to services his big disco stick,being lightly choked as tells me all the things he wants to do to me. My body wringles and squirms from delight as hot wax is poured on my chest and my ass. It makes me wet thinking about it. My period started so massive sugar cravings will be dominating me. I wonder if my dreamy dom can handle the nympho i become on my period.

I can't believe i texted him and he was preoccupied to even get me a lyft. I am wearing a bodysuit pink floral lingerie and just waiting for a ride. Why did i waste my time to even do my hair if he isn't going to get me. Freak, I am wet and ready for a good flora tending session. I hate when men do this to me! I get tossed aside or pushed to the side and ignored. It is irrating and agrevating! I talked to the dreamy dom today and texted him. He has this thick country accent with urban attitude to him. I enjoyed the conversation we have and makes me wonder more about the different type of sensations i might get from him if i let him have my body. I better cool off in my room. Ugh and now my ex is calling and wants to brag about his potential dates.

Last night I had texted a dreamy dom and it makes me nervous about relocating. I will be completely at their mercy and i will dependent on him for my survival. But on another hand, it excites me to know that he wants to examine my body and bend me over while people are watching. I shouldn't be so excited from this but can't help it. I want to text him again this morning but first i should defintely clean my dirty dishes and start doing my drivers ed and my languages. I dreamt about being restrained and not having any control over him spanking my ass and rubbing my flora center forcing me to drip my sweet honey out. Waking up wanting another warm body laying next to you is always the hardest. It is a constant reminder that you are alone. Anyway relocating to another state without a way to get back home if it doesn't work out is frightening. ugh i need to pee and i am going to end this with a thought. Will submitting to this dreamy dom finally set me free and allow me to enjoy being a woman?

I discovered a new sensation by accident. I was watching a horror film last night and was falling asleep. I had a soy candle lit and was going to blow it out. Some wax flew on my lips and a bit on my chest. The sensation was amazing. I loved the sudden hot then coolness of the wax. I want more of it and have the sensation over again. Everything is still burning for a good banana session. I also like a sweet flora session where a moist towelette is cleaning my moist center. It hurts that I don't have a partner to divulge my discovery with and have them experiment on me as well.

I hate that I wake up wanting to be used. Everything in me aches to be defiled and ravaged but want to be cherished and loved. I hate this feeling of wanting that so badly. It is like I am holding a dog leash with a dog collar attached to it. Begging for a master to collar me and show me off as theirs and only their exclusive playtoy. God please extinguish this feeling.

My body still yearns for my other half. My masculine dominant half that can ease this hunger and thrust. It hurts so much to know I could never find that feeling of completion. I ache to be lightly choked, my wrists pinned to the side of me and my legs spread open. I want to know the feeling of organic pushing inside me causing both pain and ecstasy at the same time. I want the feeling of white chocolate filling me up inside. This empty feeling is too much and need to be dominated. 

Today my ex called and he is in rehab finally. He is still blantly ignorant and annoying. My body still yearns to be restrained and dominaed. It sucks that i want to be used and wanting to be consumed by their primal instinct to breed. He inslts about my current bf status and he doesn't understand that he gives me the things i need. Maybe my body is created to pleasure more so than it is to mate. 

my body yearns for release especially on my moon cycle. i just want someone to be rough and last for hours with me

It turns out to be a busy and in fact he bailed on me on a secound date. He couldn't handle the first one since I gave him control to my vibrator and he just acted like an average joe about it. He wasn't that dominant and just not a right fit for me. Now I am just looking for a sexy fit dom to tame me and satisfy my needs and desires

Today i have been conversing with a gentleman and part of me is hopeful while part of me wants to have aback up just inn case it goes south. I enjoyed my very first orgasm last night and can't exp,ain how that even happened and just looking forward to try to land a new secound job. Laying here completely bae i just yearn for touch 

it feels like there is absolutely no one that can tame me nor able to satisfy the flames roaring inside me. Men are so pathetic that they can't even know how to keep a woman like me satisfied and eager for more. Plus it is so dull to be doing the seducing when I should be seduced. Seduction for me is easier then breathing I just want to be conquered and satisfied for once.

I got the spirit companion by doing reverse adoption and got adopted by the sterling angel named Dominick. I offered him water and and wondering if i should offer money as well. I keep seeking my oriental prince charming but never seem to find him since I always seek his dominance yet gentle touch. I desire so much to be loved a certain way by a certain dom but could never find him. 

I did something stupid and at the heat of the moment decided to have a spirit bond to me because my heart was broken. I just wanted to be loved and able to submit to a loving dom but never find a guy like that which would do sexuallly humilating stuff to me.

Emptiness is such a cruel existence. Especially when you are unfulfilled, unsatisfied, and have your desires still not realized. I am starting to think men are always disappointing and unreliable so why must I suffer for their incompetence of being able to know what a woman like me hungers for. Must I settle for lesser than I deserve or settle with one night stands but never being able to roam this life and the next insatiable for what i deseperately need

Submission is more than just a charatacteristic. It is the ultimate form of trust to another. Submitting whether it is a lover or sexual partner is a form of bond that the submissive chooses to grant to the dom. You can't demand for complete and total control of their body nor command for that type of submission. it has to be earned .

So today i had to Uber my way to the hotelroom. My roommate as ususal was hanging out with his male friends flexing his stroyfoam balls and drunk. He is such a jerk. He always sleep with other people except me and because of that caught syphills. He even touched my ass so i had to smack him in the stomach for it. After that happened he slapped my ass and i slapped him in the face. This coming year though I have to refrain from sex. I am seeking a true primal no nonsense dom that can truly satisfy me in the bedroom as well as outside the bedroom. I shouldn't be the only one pulling my weight and shouldn't always have to be in control of myself.

Last night I finally have found someone that i am hoping is interested in me to. I am pacing myself and not rushing despite what my partner says. He is more aggressive when it comes to getting what he wants. He doesn't understand that us women are delicate flowers that need to be handle with utmost care and very tender tending. I guess that is why he drags me to his misadventures of picking up women he likes. he is good at the protection part and providing just need a bit more work on the gentle approach versus the typicsl alpha male apporach. Overall i am super excited that i possibly might have a sister concubine to watch anime with, get make up tips and even do my favorite activity: shopping.