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MistressInk
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sherry99
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Do not attempt to adjust your monitor. I am a NUN, or to be more accurate, a Sister. NO, not a traditional Nun.. I'm something else. That aside, I, like so many others, look for the fun there is to enjoy in life. Feel free to send a note.
Life has been a great journey. Discovering who I am took time, and learning from some great people who saw what and who I am and accepted me into their realm and instructed me well. For thisguidance I have become a whole person again, happy in my existence.I am not afraid to say Ihave found there is a sissy of a sort wanting to play and be found. Since joiningCM i havefound joy in my life again. what i hope to find next is someone to share this joy with and belong to in a relationship, whatever that means. I live a real life and am comfortable, and finally able to enjoy being a whole person again. Ican not relate in words how happy i am at being found by just the most excellent people whoback in 2007allowed me into their lives as apupboy. Finding myself again, i discovered there is a sissy who wants to play and learn more about that part of my soul. still i will keep my original profile text below.. bondage and service are so fun. D
i have been collared, so know what that relationship means for real and love it. i am learning and growing, falling and getting back up to move forward, continuing to expand on the experiences thatloving people have allowed me to be. my heart goes out to them on a daily basis. i wish they could feel how i do about them.
My interested are in tight, heavy, immobilizing bondage, encasement, mummification, sophisticated Japanese rope bondage (Shibari etc.), gags, muzzles, tight hoods, straitjackets, posture collars, cum control, milking, electro, hypnosis, vac beds.
This next is from another profile i read some time ago.
Take the parts that get you going.
Heavily into bondage - ideally never free, from totally immobile to able to walkwork, just always at least some restraints locked on. Being kept in straitjacket, muzzledhooded, blindfolded. Body bags (leatherrubber etc), rope, leather, rubber or steel restraints. Chains, locks, never able to take off anything that is put on me. Being dressed in whatever ordered, locked in it unable to take anything off myself. Ideally own clothes locked away from start til end.
Having my body completely in rubberleather, total enclosure, sealed in, locked in, wearing various layers, chainsrestraints, plugged, chastised hidden underneath.
Wearing blindfold andor hood, cuffed, wearing a buttplug, chastity for a period long enough to have an effect.
Wearing full body ortho braces. Being locked in armor or mannequin like full body cover.
Put on display as decoration or locked away in a cageclosetbox for storage. Tied into humiliating positions, tortured with electro, taunted, locked in a sack, left in the cellarcloset.
Tied or chained to another slave for extended periods, unable to do anything without the other (feel everything with each other), from loose connected to tightly depending on each others move. Being a slaveservant or the lowest most unworthy thing for the Top, used as decoration, bondage , furniture or any other and when no longer needed stored away. A piece of property to use when wanted and put away safely stored all other times, or ignored in a corner, waiting to be of use.
See nothing, hear nothing - for extended times. Deprivation of all senses.
Complete rubber encasement combined with bondage in various positions. Inescapable bondage being a constantly restrained, sensory deprived rubber toy, or rubber doll only to be released (though never completely) to pleasure its Master or Mistress.
Perfect fantasy Ordered to an abandoned place, pack away my stuff in a bag to be padlocked, Finding a plug, chastity, rubber short, thigh high rubber socks, arm long rubber gloves, a rubber suit next, neck to toe rubber, collar to padlock the rubber zip, unable to take anything off now. Old pants, rubber boots, an old turtleneck, gloves, jacket, caphead cover. The rucksack on my back ordered to travelwalk through public to various places, each holding a new destination or some tasks throughout the day, ending up at another abandoned place to find a hoodblindfoldgag to lock on, cuffschains to lock hands and feet, render myself helpless and then wait to be transported. knowing the next few days i am His to play or store me as he wishes.
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Where does one begin to find a subject for a journal entry, when one does not ordinarily journal?
This being a lifestyle site, i find reading others profiles and journals is akin to going out and finding people at munch's or parties and getting to read their minds. Journals are where so many post their / our thoughts and desires. I suppose it's the desires that many post, if they aren't just sounding off on all that vexes them.
W/we all want to find someone to belong to or belong with. (which side of the / do W/we live). I have mentioned in many posts, not just here, but in the rare journal or diary entries scattered through the devices i have owned, that i found the collar from this site. or when it was Collarme at the time. The time belonging to and growing again as a person, not just as a submissive,were the most special of my life. Finding joy in your life is important. How we find that joy varies immensely. my own discovery of belonging to someone (at that time a couple) gave me back a spark of joy that has carried me to where i am in the local community.
Do not lag in finding joy! I see many who live in their fantasy only in their minds, not realizing that all we desire and hope for is out there. Waiting for us to find it, accept it and be thankful for it becoming part of our life.
my own cravings for certain activites are again looking for an outlet. This is not a plea, just putting out there that a willing bondage subject and, now out of the closet, cross dresser, hopes to find people who, together, we can enjoy something together.
That's about all for now. Be safe out there and feel free to reach out to those you find interesting or want to learn more from.
@}-- Sister Ida
aka boytom |
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It is nice to see a function i liked returning to this site. With some of the faults this site has, it is where i found my entry into the lifestyle and the community where i am now known. Not many journals actually say much that isn't self centered for the person writing it.
The joy derived from keeping this account active, has been in sharing the success story i have and the knowledge that lightning can strike twice.
i write this in the knowlege that i have become my more authentic self. Finding people to enjoy this life isn't always just a trick, just part of the process of life. Enjoy the journey.
@}-- Sister Ida
aka
boy tom |
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While reading a profile, i stumbled upon the BDSM test.. here are the results. :)
== Results from http://bdsmtest.org/ ==
100% Submissive
96% Bondage receiver
85% Pet
83% Non-monogamist
77% Slave
77% Experimentalist
73% Primal (Prey)
70% Masochist
68% girl/boy
60% Degradation receiver
59% Brat
55% Exhibitionist
47% Switch
40% Ageplayer
31% Bondage giver
24% Voyeur
18% Daddy/Mommy
16% Dominant
16% Sadist
11% Master/Mistress
10% Primal (Hunter)
10% Vanilla
6% Brat tamer
4% Owner
0% Degradation giver
0% All-Rounder
See my results online at http://bdsmtest.org/result.?id=432874 |
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Well, here we have it. Another journal entry. Life has many challenges. Doing the right thing, for the most part is rather easy. You find what is just and good and side with that. Service to a Master or Mistress is one thing. Service to a community is noble. For me it is a reflection of those who shepherded me into the person I have become in service to the community. It is the only thanks I can give is work hard to make a difference. |
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This past weekend was San Diego Pride, which began with the Veil of Shame Friday evening headed up by Sister Iona Dubble-Wyde. i painted up as Sister Ida at 4:00pm and was in face for the next 32 hours to celebrate Pride, walk in the parade and the first day of the festival. Sunday was a 12 hour manifestation that took several days after to finally come down from. It was so exciting to be out for so long in a form that not only brings me such joy, but also brings joy to others. i always look forward to the next time out. |
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it doesn't seem a year and several days since my last note, but the truth is, this last year has been so very busy and so very exciting too. IML as i had mentioned was an experience. i only wish i could go again this year. i celebrated a few more firsts recently. my 1st year as a Black Veil was in March and a milestone. Also on the evening before my birthday was an event in Palm Springs that i attended as Sister Ida and as a result got one wish to come true, to be in face at Midnight of my birthday. i was so tempted to stay in face for the 24 hour period, but that would have been a LONG DAY.. :)
i crave things that go un-noticed. how can i be feeling these needs when there is so much to do otherwise? i know i just want to step out and play. Where to begin and what to do? |
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This has been a very busy few months, seeing a i have not written at all, but have done some very interesting things. IML is coming up here in a month, and surprisingly i have been asked to attend so that Master can compete in the bootblack contest. It will be such an experience. i obviously don't know what to expect. invitations to those who want their boots cared for are out to find us. |
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my soul is wrapped in happiness right now. i am where my heart feels free. that place is in the home of Mistress and Master. The rope burn from the other evening still lingers on my arm. my god how i love Them! how my heart sings when i can be around them. i have not felt such joy as knowing Them. |
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Each day that passes there are moments, or many where i am found thinking of the two of You. A happy sigh escapes me and only privately do i know why. So many things i owe You, but can only show by the service You have allowed me to give. There have been many strong feelings and emotions that have grown from my service. that part of me will always belong to You. i write these words now because i don't know if i can say them to You, or if it my place. belonging to You both always felt like home. i miss the lock, but always feel its influence. my eternal thanks, and undieing love is Yours. |
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This past weekend was SWLC, where i attended with Mistress and Master. yes, i still call them that, because i love them deeply. it was a fun weekend, while He was off in the boodblack room working boots with the others and the contestant for this year, i attended a few seminars with Ma'am. my favorite was Lee Harington's gathering "Beyond bowed heads".
Any chance to be with my Leather family, which has a happy few people, makes my heart sing. The extended family from San Diego had a great time too.
It was great to finally meet Master Alex of Phoenix in person and after having known him online for a few years getting to talk in person i enjoyed both our conversation and the fun little session i had on the bondage rack. More of that should be posted on Eckie in the next few days.
Lastly, my thanks to the Arizona Sisters for being so nice to Novice Sister Ida, allowing her to manifest in their city. This truely was a weekend i will not soon forget, but instead will cherish for the service i could give both as boy tom to the people who saved my spirit, and as Ida, who would not exist had i not met them. |
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Happy New Year all. It is my sincerest hope that everyone finds that which makes them happy to the core of their being. Know love and feel love as a child does. unfettered by petty needs, but glowing with a joy born of deep affection that grows as time goes on. I have felt that love and basked in its radiance. There is a great joy being held in the arms of those you have shared your spirit with, and a sadness when the distance keeps you apart. I cherish the love I have felt in my life, and the people I now call family and love with all my heart. be well and keep in touch, my love is always with you. |
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It is strange how i can derive happiness from something as simple as house sitting. the mere fact that i was asked to made me happy to the core. Serving and being their friend has been the most blessed gift i could have dared to ask for. There is no hinting at how i feel for them. i love them deeply and will always want to be there when needed.
The door that opened in my life after meeting them has only opened to a larger more fulfilling life. They have my eternal love, gratitude and service. with our without a collar i am glad to be part of their family.
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Two words just make my day from the right people. i read those words just a bit ago and had to write this down now. funny how simple things can make one happy. "Love you!" made me a happy boy tonight. |
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Why i miss the lock. Since its removal the all to familiar lonliness has returned. i don't feel less loved, if anything i will take the love i have for them and received from them and focus on that energy. that is what saved my soul and rejuvinated my spirit. i miss the lock because i feel like i am not needed. i miss the lock because it was a physical manifestation of belonging to a family. i continue to wear the collar with a simple clip because belonging meant more to me than anything. i miss the lock because i miss showing my love and affection for them. i would gladly lick their feet, strange as it is for me to say that, just to show my deep affection for them. i am always here to serve. |
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it was an honor to be recommended to serve at a party last night. the people at the party had a good time as did we serving them. my thanks to everyone. |
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i met someone this past weekend. i have seen her around, and have met her cordially before, but met for the first time this past weekend. There is a special feeling when one finds someone with similar interests and outlook. |
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i put the collar on last night for an event i attended with friends. when the event was over and all other facets of clothing were replaced with the jeans and shirt of regular life, i barely noticed that i had left the collar on. The past year of having it locked there had me more than comfortable with its being there naturally. i only really took notice of it again this morning when i woke up and not feeling the lock, which usually held it secure.
the lock may be gone, but the commitment to service it represented still weighs heavily. i do not want this love for Ma'am and her boy to ever end. i miss them when i am not around them, and relish the time i can spend and be in service to them. |
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There are a few words that permeate my soul when i have contact with Ma'am and Master. i have not seen them in a few days and was feeling disconnected. not depressed, just rudderless. it is strange how even being able to chat with them enriches my spirit. i hope they know i adore them for happy boy they saved. the words that strike me every time i am near them, or leaving their home are simply how much i love Them. |
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COLLARING
i figure writing something about a subject that had a profound impact on me was worth it. i have been what most consider a submissive male for as long as i can recall, though i didn't originally see it that way. i figured i was just laid back and liked helping people etc. it wasn't until it was more or less pointed out to me that i was sub in nature that i realized the fact. Still, i didn't live that reality which at the time i was chatting and learning online. The few times i had ventured out to meet people was for specific experiences usually revolving around bondage.
Life took a fortunate turn in May 07 when i returned to collarme and while browsing profiles came across one which advertised an interest in puppy play. i had good amount of interest stemming from both reading about and the great amount of photos one can find online. So, after reading this one profile, i decided to write a response which would turn out to change my life in some wonderful ways.
The orginal conversations were simple enough with me indicating a desire to learn more about her interests in puppy play and that i was also interested in knowing more. Some of the conversations were monitored by her boy, i was told, which i thought was cool. an interesting dynamic of being topped by two people had never come into my experiences before. So, when the opportunity to meet them both came available in June of 07 i took the bait and met them at a book fair only to find that they were more interesting than i could have ever dared to guess. to make a long story short on this aspect i spent the day with them at this book fair, then parted with a promise of meeting again.
So began my oddysy of being introduced into "the lifestyle" as some call it. The experiences i had gained online helped guide me as the type of person i am naturally seaps through in everything i do. Their guidance was helped with them temporarily putting a collar on me for events i would attend with them. only to have it come off so that i could return to my vanilla life. a few times it was almost worn to work but thankfully they would keep the key where i could find it and i could always remove it. At some point the collar didn't come off and so began my collared period. it felt so wonderful to be part of something.. a leather family who accepted me for who i was and invited me to be part of their clan. i was a great honor, yet i was still new and learning my place not just in this group, but in the community as well. You see, i was more comfortable being invisible and just working where i was needed. It turns out that my helping out didn't go un-noticed.
i would always honor what to me was the reason for my helping and that was the couple i was collared to. if i helped at some gathering, it was because i wanted that work to reflect on NOT me, but on those i belonged to.
don't get me wrong, there were bumps in this road. don't kiss someone elses boots just because you are in a great mood. especially if those boots are not of your owner. the guilt i felt at wanting to be around these two wonderful people did finally subside to the comfort that i served without wanting or needing something in return.
i gained a desire to do more in the community as well. to this end, i also joined the group they were already members of which serve the community in their own fun way.
life just got better. every chance i was able to spend with them was pure gold to my heart. i fell in love with two people and served them without reservation. Being collared to them was the best thing i could have asked for.
One day the collar came off. i didn't ask for it, but i do agree with the reason. the removal did not diminish my desire to serve as their boy. it is still not quite clear if i was dismissed or just the symbol removed. i see it as the latter, for i still spend time with them, which i hold as quality time that warms my soul to no end.
i will hold this period of wearing the collar as one of the BEST times of my life. the love and devotion i will have for them will stay with me always. this journal was written while spending time with them. i feel truely blessed for knowing them.
boy tom |
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How does one measure love? by the moments shared? experience has shown me a few things. Love manifets itself in more ways than holding hands or kissing. I fell in love with two wonderful people. my life experience has been enhanced by emotions that until having met them seemed dormant. i will always serve when needed, that is my way of showing my love and deep appreciation for revitalizing my spirit. my soul has been set free. it just needs a place to land now.
i wish i knew what more there is to say that describes where i am at the moment.
:it is not in park. the energy is just diverted elsewhere affraid to be seen or misinterpreted. there are so many other pieces to the puzzle that is me. if You talk to me, i will reveal all. i just puzzle over who i trust to tell. |
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tonight started out with me in kind of a down mood. i very much wanted to be there for Ma'am tonight, but a family function sprung on me kept me from participating. i still have not heard how it went. i only know i wanted to be there so bad that it hurt not being there. Celebrating a birthday for my son was a good evening and important, yes. i just wish dinner had been on a different evening than this one. recently i learned that i have one fear left that is very tangible. i fear the thought that i am disappointing the people i love. sadly i usually miss that i am disappointing myself too; i'm just too wound up in wanting others to be happy. my god, i have been doing that a long time. (assignment to self: find what truely makes me happy and cultivate it)
i was in a meeting this past evening where i was described as kind of over eager. it had been pointed out and i took note of that within me. i should still be watching and learning and asking questions. i am still having so much fun, it's very easy to get into the over eager mode. i call it enthusiasm. i am so t hankful for being torn from hulk of a go-nowhere life into this new wonderful place i find my heart soaring with happiness. (see what i mean?) my love goes out to quite a few people this evening. First off my Son who is on a path of learning the complexities of the human heart. (love for those not paying attention; for god's sake, he's only 16) my undieing love always for Ma'am and Master who had initially said they would sheppard me into the community. it was by their grace that i was saved. i can not express enough in words how i feel about them. i don't think i want to put these feelings into a box either. they literally can not be classified for their strength has sustained and tortured me this past year. my love goes out in no small part to the community at large that i have met in this past year, who have shown me that the interesting people i have been chatting with on a two dimensional screen are really multi-dimensional people. Again hail to the House of Ink for introducing me to the life i was meant to live.
Gee, how did i get into this writing mode? i generally think i am misunderstood and very not listened to. i blend into the paint so well, that people just go about their business with me as the fly on the wall watching. it was great to realize the other weekend that i am not that invisible. loving the lasting energy from that evening and thanking those who participated. Lastly but certainly not least is my thanks to the Sisters for accepting the weird straight guy (i hear YOU saying "yeah right"). Ida is having a great time. <wink>
good night :) |
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It is true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Beyond my children, there are very few people who are special in my heart. The two most important are away this weekend, and as i expected, i miss them. Their being away gives me time to take care of little things. but still leaves a void that a smile or the mere joy of being around them brings. it makes me happy to know that my being here allows them to have a great time on their trip.
all my love. |
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i attended Bingo last night and had a great time. This should really be in another journal, but it was just a great evening, and a fun start to this week, which will be busy from now until Sunday. |
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There is an inner monologue i have at times, where a voice in my head talks like a narrator for the moment i am witnessing. whether it be watching my 2 year old son falling asleep in his high chair and almost dunking if face in a bowl of cereal, or my daughter calling me a dodo while i record her playing with her toys. tonight the voice is telling the story of how content i am watching someone read a book while a fan rotates back and forth from the kitchen blowing a cool breeze through the room. i used to wonder where i would be if i hadn't gone out a year ago to meet the two i lovingly serve, and happily say i wear their collar. it means something for me that to feel so special for wearing it. i owe the happiness and contentment i feel in this moment to their acceptance of me in their lives. So, as the cool air wafts past the open door to help carry in the evening air and the dog is laying happily grooming herself, i get to sit here and bask in the happy feelings that i hope this entry attempts to convey. Love to you all. |
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absense does make the heart grow fonder. i have not seen Mistress or Master and though i don't feel as empty as i did about 7 months ago, i know i miss them. i had looked forward to seeing them both over this last weekend, but events conspired to prevent that. if i could, i would call them both daily, but don't want to be the stalker boy. i love them both so much. the hugs i get to give them both are the more special than the last. i belong to them, there is no doubting how i feel. with my love to them. |
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this should be a second journal entry for where i am. i saw a movie with Mistress and Master and it was great to see them both this evening. afterwards they went home, and i went back to my portable home on wheels. every time i am leaving them, i noticed i say the same four words. "god i love Them". i feel happy belonging to them. i am glad they have their privacy, but i miss them a lot. This alone time is not entirely wasted though. i have done some more cleaning, and know what else needs to be tended to. i don't feel so alone though really. not anymore. i know i am loved, and that has made a difference in my life. i know that no matter where life takes me, i owe a debt of love and devotion for this collar. |
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i have to start this journal entry (late as it is) with how fortunate i feel to be where i am at this moment. it has been confirmed that i am no longer invisible. the surprise birthday party was given for me yesterday was the best birthday i have ever had. so many great people who have touched my life and as i have mentioned to some helped save mine, were there last night. i love them all, and enjoyed sharing the evening with them. |
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i look back over the last year and imagine where i would be if things had unfolded differently. i don't regret anything of this past year. it has saved my life. reawakening to life and all the joys that living gives has made me more happy than i have been in a long time. the journey continues. there are so many new friends, but none more important to me than my owners. i can be myself finally and would do anything the need. these words are too simple to read to relay what emotions and intentions that drive them. Just know that i love them to the core. the friends i have met along this last year have touched my heart. Each new person that becomes a friend becomes a thread of the quilt of my life. Especially included in this are the Sisters who have shown me that serving the community can be fun too. life wouldn't be where what it is if i hadn't gone to meet them. |
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on my way home tonight, i was in such a great mood, always glad when i feel that way. it occurred to me that when i see people i ask how are things, or what are You up to? but not how are You feeling? and in feeling i mean emotionally. (yeah guys aren't supposed to talk about feelings, blah blah blah, to hell with that.) i have been so happy and enjoying being happy that i have been letting some things i need to go kind of lay by the roadside. so i have to redouble my effort to remain a responsible person and get the important things done. (whew) as always my love and devotion go out to Mistress and Master. XOXO |
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i saw an interesting ad today which asked the question "What is a journey" the text transfixes you to the screen until the end where you see it is an advertisement, but it was the words and the imagery that had me pinned.
What is a Journey?
A journey is not a trip.
It's not a vacation.
It's a process. A Discovery.
It's a process of self discovery.
A journey brings us face to face with ourselves.
A journey shows us not only the world,
but how we fit in it.
Does the person create the journey
or does the journey create the person?
The journey is life itself.
Where will life take you? |
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i cried on the way home from a movie tonight. not so much for how touching the movie was, and i don't intend to critique the film here. The mind dwells on the subject of the movies and while dwelling started telling me a story in that inner monologue. Anyway, the story was about this little boy who grew up in a good family with strong father and loving mother. Images of the loving people i had in my youth filled my mind, and how having an angel in the family really does lend to being raised loving all things. i won't dwell on that too much, but knowing that i will be greeted when my time is up by those i truely and i mean TRUELY love just drew a tear. The rest of the inner monologue spoke of this child growing up, traveling as a youth and learning that the world is a strange wonderful and different place in all its diverse locations. it's rare that my inner muse allows itself to be heard outside of the mind. it is in those rare moments when i am alone driving far away from anything i can use to record my thoughts coherently where the wandering mind gathers steam. by the time i get to a place to write or type, other circumstances have either already eclipsed the thought, or i just don't recall the entire circuit of thought. anyhow, it's safe to say it's happening even now. i have to say that feeling that sense of true heart felt love and then finding it almost without looking has been lightning in a bottle. (okay i know... what does that mean) answer = "Powerful JUJU" eloquent words don't come too often, but when they do it is usually because i am happy and in a good place. i thank every day for this new happiness, and those who have been instrumental in it. You both know who You are. i only wish the muse would help me write something more poetic and inspiring. with all my love and devotion. |
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if ever i could write while i was thinking what belongs in this journal it would have a lot more meaningful information. not being a professional blogger, or journal-er i don't have the luxury of taking notes or being able to draw upon something i knew i would want in here. i can again repeat that i love my collar and belonging to the best people in the world. had i not met them i would be in the same place as i was a year ago, and okay to be there, but here today, i can't imagine not belonging and serving as i have come to love in this family. i seriously have not felt so accepted ever. life is great and getting better every moment. so sayeth boy tom |
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Well here it is, Valentine week. The one week where we celebrate the affection we have for those we love. This particular year is that much more special as i have the greatest love for two people. They have opened their hearts to me and in doing so have shown me more happiness then i have seen in a long time. i am overjoyed to wear their collar and be called "their boy". the sense of belonging i have been given is a greater gift than i can ever hope to return. i say this or hint at it in every journal and every note i send, i love them both and having their collar secured around my neck is a connection only others so in love can feel. You both have my undieing love. Happy Valentines Day Mistress and Master.
your boy tom |
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words can melt. take that as a good statement. i had a really nice conversation tonight, though on the phone, any chance to talk to those you feel so close to is heaven. so, what are the words that melted me. they were spoken at the very end of the call, just before hanging up. any joy i had at just being able to share the time on the phone was doubled by the last three words. i don't know why they affected me so, but hearing them made me warm inside. i don't hear words like this often enough, though recently only by Mistress and Master. how i would love to say these words to someone i so adore. closing for the evening i leave You all with this..
- - - Good night sweety - - - |
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i say these words all the time. "i am in love" serving the two most wonderful people had been a dream. knowing they were out there and waiting was a routine. being accepted as their boy has been a great joy. i could willingly smother myself being around them. that is how wonderful they are.
reading this some may wonder what it is i see that makes them so wonderful. my answer is "their love for one another". it is deep and can be seen in how the look at each other. even goofing around there are no pretenses. i know that the one i can adore as much as that is out there. once we have found one another life will be just grand. ideally i hope to find someone who doesn't mind my belonging to this little family and can also be a part of it, to share the joy and happiness. i know you are also out there. make contact and see why i say "i am in love". to Mistress and Master i say this. "You have my undieing love, affection and devotion"
your boy tom |
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i had a nice long private journal entry, but realized it was pretty private. :) |
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today was a birthday of Mistress, i was able to call and wish Her a happy one, being so far away i wanted to do something. i still want to get them both something from the heart. gift buying is not a simple thing, so i must get it right. - while up here in the bay area, i have had a great time visiting mom and a friend. lots of idle time too. i contacted the guard from the San Francisco house and received a reply today about a non-sister event that she is attending, and invited me along. i'm waiting for more information, but did look it up. it's either new years eve or new years day. a drag pagaent called "Trannyfest". there are some WILD images from past events that i won't even begin to describe. if it's new years it will be okay, i'm free that evening. Mom is at another place with friends. i wish Mistress and Master could be here, though probably slow enough to bore the pontif, just the opportunity to show them things i know of the area. this is my entry for the day. good night all. i love You all. |
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it's 3:30 pm as i write this note. today has been a busy day. thankfully i got to sleep in, still making up for not sleeping at all, or so it always seems. today was a general meeting at 10:00am that went till 1:30 or so. it was later than usual from recent meetings. i thought i wanted to write my own little Aspirant Sister Status Report, since this is the first whole month into my aspirancy. i wanted to kind of share the things i have done in a month, and just give a "what i have experienced and learned" kind of book report. yeah i have been with the Sisters as a guest or unofficial houseboy and learned a great deal, but this is more personal now that i have taken a step into being a part of an organization that does things with some fun involved. i will be adding to this when i return after Saturnalia. (stay tuned) *(update) 10:22 Saturnalia is over, or at least the Sister event for the evening. it was fun. as i got there, Amanda noticed the differences from my previous attendances, namely the eye shadow, then the boots. it was very slow, but fun the entire time. from wrapping the presents to getting to know people. Whip asked me the question i get from most others. Which path to i want to take. i am guessing that some believe i would take the guard route, since i spent so many months walking that path as a guest. i answered Sister. later Wayne asked the same question and again i said the same thing "Sister" jokingly adding that the Sisters needed a bass player. everyone missed seeing Sisters Shirley and Freeda, they understood that they didn't feel good and gave their best wishes and love. if i have understood anything, it is that they have their faults, but will still love unconditionally. that is my observation. = = = to close this evening, i have to share that i have felt a closeness and been given the gift of acceptance. for the type of person i am, and the work that i try to do, which is not for my own good, but always in honor of others. the gift was a pair of boots from my own leather family. had i been a light bulb, i would have been shining my brightest with all the happiness and joy i felt. i spoke from my heart as i received the boots this evening. i wish i could repay that love in the same manner. it's not about topping the gift, but about honoring a love and commitment i feel. You know who You are, know my undieing devotion is Yours. |
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okay, here is just a mass of more than likely random thoughts that just need an out.
Setting: i'm at a local coffee house in Hillcrest. the atmosphere is subdued. the paino is being played rather well and nothing unpleasant. the furniture has been rearranged from last night. yes, i have been coming here a little more regularly now. it's better than looking for a signal from my car, or being someplace unpleasant.
What am i doing? -
besides powering up the battery for the laptop, i'm chatting, and wishing privately i was somewhere else. i would be there more, but don't want to make myself a pest. thre is a part of my soul that would do anything they ask. i say that a LOT, i know. it's true though. i want to find the kind of love i see there.
okay, where am i in all this? i have no clue. i am enjoying belonging and considered owned with a collar. to some that means quite a bit. i try to take as much a seriousness about it as the belonging is something i crave. the better part tells me that someone is out there seeking me too. what will happen when i find the perfect mate? how will my collar affect a meeting? i will always want to be collared. my place is as i have been in their care. (vague huh?) i love them both. (You know who You are)
not sure where to go.. when i drive, i have the inner monologue just rambling things that i think "gee, i can put that in my journal. or i should write this private thought down somewhere". some private thoughts i won't write down, but would love to tell someone i trust. people on the web are anonymous. most don't judge because they are in their own fetishes too. <private thought here about slavery> two mind sets on that. in vanila mode it's considered play, but when in boy mode, it's considered a wanted possibility.
okay, i haven't written anything in about a hour, so i'm ending here. Mistress and Master, i LOVE You both. being Your boy has brought more to my soul than happiness. :) |
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Mistress and Master aren't feeling good tonight. i offered to help take care of them, which i would be more than happy to do. i met with the Sisters tonight and what a hoot. even stuffing bags can be fun. it was cooler this evening. i'm glad i'm wearing layers, i don't like the cold. this was tollerable.
afterwards i came to write my journal. i'm in a great mood, just a little lonely. |
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i wrote a letter to Master that started out as a question and dove into the deep waters of how i feel and expressed some very close thoughts that i would not share with anyone else. i was blessed with a compliment that even an hour or so afterwards has my body warm all over. i love being their collared boy. |
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Last night was a celebration of life for me. i had volunteered to work a dessert auction to benefit an upcoming event and a local charity. Though not intending to, i did bid and won one of the dishes. recalling that triumph now brings a smile to my face, though i can't recall what had driven me to place a bid. It was meant to happen, is all i can say.
initial doubts in my mind as to how the evening was beginning were swept away when all who were dedicated to the endeavor just let the evening happen. (my opinion obviously)
Saturday Night Mass was a great event for me to experience. being in the company of people you care about and don't feel judged by allowed me to just, such as earlier, just let the evening happen. there was fun playing pool with Sisters Freeda, Ghana and Amanda. Music in both rooms was fun, and at times i enjoyed singing the ones i knew the words to. and let's not forget dancing. it is clear that i have not expressed or more acurately (LEARNED) how to express myself in dance, but i danced a lot this last evening. it felt wonderful to feel so alive. i did not want it to end. the cyclic nature of things took command of that though. what a wonderfully fabulous night it was to be an aspirant.
i hope i did good work. that is for others to judge. i had good play, and shared time with people i love. they know who they are. :) |
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tonight was fun. there was a fund raiser at the RedWing with a shrine dedication, though we weren't there for the shrine dedication. we went to a tree lighting in Hillcrest where i saw the mayor and Christine Kehoe. then we went to Bacchus house for what i assume was just scoping the place out for next weekend. we then went to the eagle which was more subdued, quieter. i did like playing pool a lot. i am quite certain that i am RUSTY. Nathan almighty carried most of the games. i made some okay shots but ehh..
earlier this morning at coffee i saw something interesting. i'll write it in my private journal. i then helped clean in Coronado. all in all a good day.
i do need to add one thing. i missed Mistress and Master a LOT. it had been over a week since seeing them. it had hurt not seeing them before, but though i missed them terribly i was able to send emails during the week. the display of devotion i saw this morning, made me scrutinize my own devotion or submission. i don't question my desire to belong, just the depth of it. how much more can i do? |
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i have so many different adventures i would LOVE to relay here. my commitment to Mistress and Master deepens even when i am not with them. i wish i could pour out eloquent emotion and pertinent thoughts, but i can say that i found where i belong. i feel loved and Mistress and Master are the best find this boy could have asked for. |
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this has been a great weekend. beginning with a clubX workshop on "playing with your food". anyone who attended had a fun time. i sure did. the play party was very fun too. i was lent out to two wonderful people. had my first needle. well, two of them. still not my thing, but i am glad to say i tried it.
the rest of the evening was spent with my limbs or other items tied down or secured so that it was difficult to perform the first duties of picking up trash. it's hard, but not impossible to pick up trash with ones hands tied behind their back. what made it hard was having to walk on my heels or suffer pulling my balls off... okay not off, but you get the idea.
as the party wound down, i was released from the various ropes and teardown began. man it was late when i finally got to attempt to fall asleep around 1:30 or 2:30 (damned daylight savings). that took forever, and that sleep was punctuated by waking up for some reason.
no real sleep that night as i was awake by 4:00 am for the trip to Palm Springs with the Sisters for Pride. what an AWESOME day. so many great people. i'll just say WOW to end that one.
i don't think i have slept 4 hours this weekend. (homage to the power of coffee). i will probably pass out soon after writing this. |
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Just checking into the world. the fires have as of this writing NOT affected my or anyone i know of.
last evening was fun. i spent it with the Sisters and had a great time. only those who know me are privy to the particulars. :) |
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again it has been a long time since i have been able to write my journal, and again a LOT has happened in that time. i wish i could delve into the nitty gritty of each particular and exciting thing. War was fun. if you have questions or want photos, send me a note. Dragons Gate another really cool time. sorry no pics of that weekend. camping yesterday and today was fun. the wind was a hinderance, but the people were awesome. i am always overjoyed when i can spend time with Mistress and Master. to all my great friends out there in the ether. Hello and i hope you are all having as much fun as i have been.
tom |
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tonight was dinner with other guys who are subs also. no stress, and talk about just any topic under the sun. tonight was who did or didn't see the 300 or the Simpsons movie or other films. the conversation got somewhat interesting when a party was mentioned and those posable armatures used like dolls were mentioned, having been posed in some interesting ways. it reminded me of this bookshelf display i saw in Los Angeles at Passive Arts with all of these barbie dolls in all sorts of interesting bondage poses either as Mistress or slave. (very HOT) i enjoyed the relaxed atmosphere and no stress. the phone rang but not more than one other guy. dessert was nice, a dreamy cheese cake (my favorite). we finally wraped up around 10:00 or so. |
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another long wait between postings. (yes obviously) A lot has transpired that i hope i can get into this entry. my devotion grows deeper, having just spent the weekend with Mistress and Master at a camping event. (my first, but hopefully not the last) prior to that i had been asked to come over to their home where once inside i was directed to strip and put on the leather hood that i really enjoy wearing. i then knelt to wait for next orders.
when i was again addressed, i was stood up and taken into the dungeon to be placed onto the spanking bench and secured by straps and rope. Mistress spoke firmly but kindly asking "you are going to please me aren't you?" my only response was and had to be "yes Mistress, i am here to please You".
"you are a plaything, you know that don't you?" again my response was to confirm my devotion to their desires and wishes. it became clear that i was to be their playtihng for their enjoyment for the evening.
i won't go into the intimate details of what i was subjected to but to say that i enjoy being their property and willingly want to do more to please them. and grow as their boy.
<sigh> what does life hold in store? i still think that journey is going to be a fun one. |
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it seems strange that it has been 4 days since my last entry. it's early evening, still light out, but the sun has gone down. i am blissfully alone to try to catch up on things. 130 messages in email, my blog here, and missing Mistress and Master who left for Folsom early this morning. i was so over joyed when i had been originally asked to watch the house. i had planned to clean everything, but the plan changed and someone else is watching the house. They know i will do anything for them. i was called over last night, though i didn't want to get into their way, i am so drawn to be there especially when called for.
i may go see my brother in up North of here, but be available as backup incase i am needed at the house. again, anything they want i like to provide. i never thought i would feel so much about this kind of servitude.
by now they are in the thick of playing. how i envy anyone being tortured by Them. i secretly want more, but can never get the nerve to say things without sounding like a complete and total pervert.. i already have said it here, i know they will read it too. i sent photos of very HOT bodies in various forms of bondage that just get me anxious to be under their control. to experience that kind of complete control. it goes beyond the collar which i am still learning my place with. i may take the collar at a deep emotional level that i hope isn't too much. it is their collar on their property which i gave eagerly to Them. yes i love them both. i will endeavor to either say it or relate that in everything i write and most conversations i have regarding Them.
So, where else should this entry go. for the complete pervs out there, yes i am writing this while NAKED, and with an open window fully viewable by others.. (not that anyone is looking). in the stories i have read on my favorite site, i like the ones where the boy/slave is always naked while in the presense of his "keepers". or chained, or in various pieces of HOT bondage gear. yes i'm alone and a bit bored. i should read one of the good stories again. :) or get more plot points for the story i started to write. i wish i knew where i put that file..
this note lovinly devoted to my keepers, Mistress and Master.
boy tom |
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this entry was going to be another great report, but i messed up protocol wise the other day. since opening myself up to something, i have seen and felt a change in my self that i am slowly grasping. well, yesterday i sort of messed up by doing something rather publicly that i, in retrospect, should not have. i was only trying to show respect, but hadn't thought that i did something a bit too much..
i won't say what it was. those who were there know how i ____ up. i was so charged today and this evening until, having cleaned my car, arranging laundry to clean. finding something i didn't know i had, or didn't remember i had. i came online to be found or seen, and make contact with either Mistress or Master. i had questions, but found one being posed to me that made me think of what i did in a very different light.
i don't want to mess up, and would do anything to make it right. all i can ask is for forgiveness.
to move forward i will continue to be attentive and respectful and hope that this learning experience makes me more than who i was before.
this entry has taken 3 hours to write. i think the next one will be better.
signing off for now. |
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hmm. where to begin tonight.. prior to getting online this evening, i took a moment to just soak in the weekend. looking at myself i have to mention what pretty much happened first. i got off work and was summoned to come over at a particular time. as soon as i arrived, i was ordered to strip and head into the bathroom. thank god i had already had a shower. now because of what i know was going to happen this weekend, i kind of expected what happened.. once in the bathroom, i was clipped of all hair from my toes up to my shoulder. i hope Mistress and Master know how much i LOVED this, and how much it means to have Master take the hair. i
it literally makes me more sub and something else i will only say to them, but i will say how i love how i look hairless.
this leads up to the gathering that evening. uneventful. Saturday was different. slept in, but went to the Sister Party. i made sure my friend had directions
the pool party was a BLAST. i won a few prizesl
fading now.. i'll continue when i can. |
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do i really want or need to analyze my experiences? Hmmm.. i missed an entry or two, and could have had some interesting things to write.. i'm so tired.. it's after midnight and i just had to write something. i went to the movies tonight with Master :) it was great to spend time and watch what turned out to be a guy who enjoyed the "B" movie just a little too much for the first film, then the good story line, but action that seems too fast to watch. at any rate, after the movies were over, we had a nice talk afterwards. i don't like the conversations to center on me, as that is an old way for me to think that i don't want to get back into. i was as always very curious to know certain things and to relate my thoughts and questions back to Master. i keep wanting to talk about the collar.. it was noticed twice this week by family. i just pass it off as jewelry and for most it's ignored. i love wearing it.. it is my constant reminder of where i am. i hope i get some time to write more interesting stuff soon. :) this weekend promises to be ripe with fodder. |
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<pondering> was there a group/gathering going on tonight?? i really need to either find my palmpilot or just get another one. being online holds less appeal. if there is a leather door and a kink door, i mentioned earlier that i came into the lifestyle through the really small chat door. from an online line of expriences to the wider and more enticing world of REAL experiences.. i was asked why a certain activity was interesting to me. well i think i found the answer.. it's because it was happening in "REAL TIME" not just a mind f___ happening in the darkness of a private room by the glow of a monitor. man i am hooked and on this train to learn and hopefully experience more. i can't thank Mistress and Master enough for taking me under their wing and introducing me to some awesome people and experiences. i only wish i could reciprocate the eye opening experiences. i suppose when it is my place, then it will happen. till then, i am glad to be in my place.
just need to get that palm to arrange the events i can attend.
thanks go out for those who have read my journal and commented. this seems to be the place for my journal to live. if only i could back fill to about May when i was found. |
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Late night, or early morning. i just finished having a chat with Mistress. She opened our chat about an hour or so ago having just read my previous journal. there are people in your life that you meet and they fade over time from your view, then there are those who in some instant either when meeting or just during the course of knowing them that make such an impact on you that you just know that something draws you to them. i use the "moth to the flame" analogy a lot. at least the inner monologue does. i have mentioned how i feel about Mistress and Master, and their dynamic with mutual friends. what i have said to them is simply this. "i have never met or fallen in love with two people before". their energy is just so out there. i can't help but want to be around them.
when the collar was initially put on me, it was for "protection" just a note to those that i am "with them". i accepted that protection because even though i am a "grown man" and not particularly a push over, i am new in some respect to the open fetish community. wearing the "boy" chain at the first clubX play party was a dream come true for me.. not just wearing the chain, but belonging for the evening to someone. that was the first night i could be the diligent and mindful servant boytom. anything Mistress and Master needed, i wanted to be the one ready to serve that need. it was a powerful evening. as the weeks progressed and the chain was replaced with the collar that was initially only worn around them, i just felt closer to them.
i missed the collar when i was not around them, i missed them even more. when Mistress was presented with the set of matching locks by a friend/Master, this collar went on and i think has only been removed once or twice since then. even though the summer activities have slowed into the more mundane activities with everyone back to work, i still have my reminder of the summer, and my personal coming out. the collar is the reminder of the talk we had about being collared, and of the commitment i feel i entered into, to respect the meaning of the collar. people i have met since it being secured on, have commented how they like the fact that i show it, not just hide it as i do when at work, but actually wear it out of the shirt collar showing that i belong to someone. what a warm feeling. what a powerful meaning it has to those who know its meaning. i call it my collar, when i know in fact it is their collar on their boy / their property. how content that makes me feel.
i can hardly wait for tomorrow and what it brings. nighty night all. |
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last evening i was invited over to Mistress and Masters house for just a quiet evening, watching a movie etc. like the good boy i want to be, i jump at the chance to spend time just being around Them. i fall into a pattern of wanting to make them happy that i am there, so find things to do. Mistress was in back resting and almost as soon as i got there Master, who i assume waited for me to show up went to lay down too. i was offered the run of the back, "watch TV" etc. instead i did more productive things. cleaning etc. i know it doesn't sound glamorous, but one thing i have to explain about who i am is that though i love the playtime with Them, i am equally happy serving their needs, cleaning the house or playing with the pets.
everyone has their own inner monologue. the story of their life told in real-time and sometimes in the Ray Liota voice from "good fellas". well, i was doing what i was doing and wishing i could have been writing my journal right THERE and THEN. feeling are tough enough to find, but more difficult still is getting them written down as one is feeling them. my thoughts were of my belonging to Them. i once felt that life and the universe brought us together, and have taken great comfort in having met Mistress and Master. the collar that i have on now is a symbol in some great degree. 'i belong to someone else as Their property' i have read stories to some great extent about it. i have chatted with people to an even greater extent about their collars, but it wasn't until this chain was locked on, and the key held by someone else that things changed for me. i see how some felt where i could only understand the outward desire before.
i don't know if the "new car smell" effect of this experience has worn off. it was a very active summer for me. "the BEST summer EVER" i was meant to meet Mistress and Master. i would have never thought to be wearing a collar for more than the play time, but Their collar has been secured for almost three weeks now. having spent most of the first two months almost living with Them, i feared for a bit that i was taking advantage. self doubt about things just poured back. i litereally didn't want to drive myself into their lives just to get extracted in the same way. reading this, i hope they know i love them deeply and would do anything they asked, and have happily. i do not lie when i say this has been the best summer.
now that i have spun completely off on a tangent i hope i can bring this back in-line. my inner monologue.. remember that thing.. Ray was telling his audience of one how much the collar felt like just a part of me. it is the reminder when i can't be around of the closeness i felt, and the love that has grown from that closeness. throughout the last month of wearing it, i find my hand constantly touching it, knowing that it was locked on because of something They saw of felt or liked about me. i'm rarely self-conscious about it being there. i used to be, but not only do i mearly accept it being there, i have proudly shown it to those who may recognize its meaning. it really has that deep a symbolism for me. so for the person who is where i was several years ago looking at someone with one on, and pondering its meaning, this was mine.
funny, i haven't gotten to the dinner party that i was requested to help serve at. i found it an honor that Mistress had been asked by someone that i feel is of high respect in the community to serve her and friends in a 5-star dining kind of arena. on the tail end of the experience i look back and think. 'wow, what an evening and experience.' people who chat with me will get the full report, or best recollection. |
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i have been asked / suggested to keep a journal by Mistress. this journal here seems to be a good place. what i have written so far has been on my laptop and thus private. i did send one journal entry directly to them because it was more of a thanks for having me as their boy. i hope they both know i love them.
today i was asked for, to be borrowed, to help with a barbeque party being held by "Daddy K" (You know who You are). i only hope on the trailing end of today that i will have served well.
to give some back story i can say this. i found Mistress and Master via collarme. in two months i now wear their collar and happily. what that means in the grand scheme of things i leave for the universe to decide, but it was in meeting them both that i found more happiness than i thought possible. anyone can desire to be a play toy, or object or used as one. i found that in giving of my self as a servant to their needs and the needs of others that i found a modicum of pleasure and a niche where not all find pleasure.
in the last two months i have been taken along to several "outings" which include play parties, a leather conference, which included an ice-cream social, a few private gatherings and also play in their dungeon.
it was at the external events where people have taken notice. not that i was looking for recognition, but found simply that if there was something that needed to be done that i was willing to do it, or just did it without being asked or directed. it was that servitude that got noticed.
jump forward to this weekend. i was asked to help serve at a party by someone i hold in very HIGH regard, a Leather Title Holder asked Mistress if i could be borrowed to help. Now i know this journal isn't juicy with sexual inuendo or descriptions of bondage gone wild, and believe me the last two months has had that too.
i just want to be the best boy i can be to honor Mistress, Master and their friends and the community that has embrased me as part of the family. my love goes out to one and all.
tom |
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where do i begin? it would be too much typing to go back to when i discovered certain desires, or when i was found by this person of that for play or chat or to learn.
i found this site a couple of years ago and viewed it without much thought. i figured it was just a neat place and a good idea, but lost connection to it for whatever reason until about a month ago. i was recommended to the site and though i didn't remember it immediately, it certainly remembered me. (got to love cookies).
i updated the profile a bit, viewed some interesting profiles like i had on any other site but found one thing here... people respond back.. (OMG).. anyhow, i read a profile asking or interested in finding a puppy. i was invited to meet at the Hillcrest Bookfair and that was my introduction to my puppyhood. i spent the afternoon with them. What an awesome couple. i never saw two people more in love and lovable.
Since meeting them it has been a whirlwind of new experiences. i am so into learning more from them both. being their boy (or considered for the position) has opened a warm happy place that i hope grows. i'm not mentioning names for respect to their privacy. They know who They are :) i just want to say thank You to You both for allowing me into Your life.
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| Age: 29 |
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New York |
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