saltandhoney

Tonight has been... wine, re-watching my comfort movies, thinking about rain and bad weather ( I'm weird and I love 'bad' weather)... it has also been me wondering if I have enough autumn decor in my aparment. I need more pumpkins, more twinkly lights. My home should look like 'autumn' threw up in here. Instead, it is tasteful and subtle instead of gauche. But sometimes, sometimes I really like gauche.  I suppose there is too much of a good thing at times. But when I fall in love with something, I like it to consume me, or to be consumed by it. I have fallen out of love with humanity for the most part so...I love silly things instead.  Or maybe it is more accurate to say that I am not currently on speaking terms with humanity. I'll always love it because I love people but... things, inanimate things..things that are tangible in my hands like the felt leaves I  taped to my wall are easier to love. They make me happy when I look at it. I swear I am like a little girl in a grown woman's body. If that little girl drank too much wine and was extremely repressed....

I swear, it has been literal years since the last time I have been a part of this community seriously.  I believe back then, I was alot more open - which is to say, alot more naive. I'm not sure what to make of any of this right now, to be completely honest. I have an inbox full of unread messages that literally give me anxiety. I don't know if the world was always as dangerous as it is now, or that I'm simply more cognitive of it. I remember wanting things, yearning for things... for a certain sort of understanding. I'm not sure if that feeling is still there, or if I am the person that is now reluctant to look that deeply inward in regards to the heart.

I do know that if I were to sit and think about it, I could pinpoint the exact things that have changed for me. Boundaries. I had none before. I was willing to compromise myself for the sake of inclusion and getting along. I don't do that anymore. I recently walked away from a relationship in which, had I stayed, I would not have had to worry about anything financially for the rest of my life. But I was not willing to compromise my peace, my sanity and my boundaries for it. It was a learning experience... and more than anything, it was understanding that these interpersonal relationships are something of a balancing act. I pinpointed the moment I fell out of love and instead of gaslighting myself, I listened. This is the most free I have felt in nearly year.

So I'm here now. A bit all over the place. Quieter. Hesitant to engage because I prefer to observe. I am in no rush. Who is meant to find me, will find me. I trust my gut these days. And I have found happiness in so many other things. I have a beautiful home, a wonderful family...I have my fairy twinkly lights that I love turning on when the whole house is dark, I have all my books, candles, incense, warmth... my own space. I have this life that I have carefully cultivated over the last three years. And I am happy. Of course there is always that question....that small bit of wanting in the back of my mind. I'm not always certain if I want to give into that desire, to explore it. My subsmissive side is ...very much who I am. And yet I have learned that I still get to have autonomy. I still get to decide who I want in this space. I get to be picky. Careful. Meticulous. Deliberate. There is no rush. What is meant to be, will be.

That moment when you remember that you forgot you had a profile here.