New Year After a brief discussion this morning we have agreed on a few things to try and get the most out of 2023. wearing my daily collar more often (as permitted by job, etc) more butt plugs less underwear more outfits with access when home more use of the belt more opportunities for us to explore with others Happy New Year!

I said it and say it again, one must love these str8 males. I say that because there's one moment when finally a str8 male surrenders to a better male and offers his most intimate possession, his hole. It takes considerable time to enter such a space (you want him to come for more) but there is magic in that first entry. The man is nervous for several reasons: first time being entered, societal prohinotions, the realization that even if he doesn't do it again he allowed another male to deflowering him. Most times they reach for their penis as if to make sure it is still there. He is bewildered and with good reason, a new reality is dawning and there is no turning back. the most important moment is not the deflowering that is for me to enjoy and savor; tight, warm, and spasming. Pain, and pleasure begin a dance that takes over the whole body. I you know how to use your rod you will be assaulting the prostate and a new level is reached. All this is your reward as a bull, you worked for that but the str8 male is still hanging to whatever small idea of being str8 he possess. The reckoning comes when you let him turn, place on all four and you enter. He cannot see you, hewants to be a witness to his new reality but the only thing he can do is to grab his dick again. However, once you break in he will stret his arms and back, he has being invaded. That is still the str8 male attempting to show power and control. He wants to communicate the fact that he is still the stallion he thought he was. Yet if you know what you are doing and the assault continues on once he realizes his new role he collapses his body and embraces the bed in which his Top masculinity is destroyed. That collapse is key, his upper body flat on the bed, arms stretched, head on the side and yes closed with an open mouth uttering a silent moan. That is the moment you have conquered him, he is yours and you are his man. 

Recently I've been having some fun on another site that specializes in Doms keeping subs in chastity. So last night I had this one guy... mid 30s... glasses.. looks like a real computer nerd approach me. I was not going to give him the time of the day and I sensed he was going to be a bit of a brat. But he begged, begged and pleaded. Eventually after a lot of negotiating and exchanging some links I agreed to put his dumb ass in chastity for a simple 2 hr lock. Guess how many times he messged me begging to be released during that 2 hour  span of time. 37x. I can't make this shit up even if I tried lol.  So naturally when I returned to the site after getting dolled up for the day I see the messages. And I'm pissed. Becuase I specifically told him to sit his ass in the corner with his cage on and butt plug in and wait for me to return. He got called every name after the sun which I'm sure he enjoyed and I extended the timer for the rest of the day. I also have access to his dildo machine via lovesense and let's just say today he could barely sit down without a pillow. He thanked me this morning :) he loved it. 

Sadly there are those (let's call this hypothetical collection of CS profiles, 'demographic X'), who will judge you, and make all sorts of bigoted assumptions about you, and twist your words beyond any recognition and to such extremes that it would make a pretzel blush, all based, largely, on your demographics. Now, such an X couldn't pretend to twist my words into sexual interest, since I directly mentioned among other things, my being asexual...but there are 100 other ways to twist your words and reach the goal of being "offended". For example, by pretending that my writing has to do with *their* category, when, as I alluded to in passing, and when in reality, I've sent over the last 10 years, more than a few similar (not at all identical, but similar in writing style, tone etc) friendly notes, a gentle, polite, friendly query asking for clarification, to those of different category(what's a French word for "type", again?)...who were almost all of them quite appreciative, and usually even thanked me, for the inquiry and for my gentle suggestion they might, perhaps, want to consider clarifying a thing or two in self-description, as well as clarify/answer my question.. Great! So it had nothing to do with the demographics of such an X. It's not fully clear whether the scorched earth reply(to things not remotely related to what I actually said), had to do with my demographic in general, of my demographic only since they also now were aware that I was asexual, therefore not interested in X; either way, horrible motive, even if might have been only a subconscious motive rather than conscious one... and either way, putting 100 things in my mouth I didn't come within a mile of saying.. twisting a cordial, polite note which in fact,  bent over backward to be friendly, not assuming anything by me..and twist it to a super-pretzel and then unleash a stream of hate that would impress anyone in Hades.. And folks wonder why one has not only turned (not quite completely but nearly fully) asexual and also with ever-lower views of the Current State of the Human Race. (there is at least some truth to the adage that 'no good deed [or kind gesture] goes unpunished' but the many times it was appreciated, are happy memories, happy enough so eventually, I'll again make such a deed/gesture) We will not point a finger at the inherent worth and longer-term potential of the human race; I still hope and even believe we will slowly over decades and centuries become better. Among other things, getting out of the extreme social, psychological, financial, emotional, self-image, etc stress that so many fellow human beings around seem to be in, surely would help. Hence the comment above was about not "the human race" but the "current state of" our species and society. Ah well. A nice walk in beautiful nature with sunshine, does, and did, a lot of positive healing, and works wonders.  

He drops his head to his chest, but then slowly nods.  "Thank you for your honesty, baby." I continue to explain how, just because of the pandemic I had not deviated from my desire of finding someone else and that now that people are comfortable meeting again, I would resume my search. He kept looking at the floor between his legs and I had to keep telling him to look me in the eye. This was the moment I had been holding back on for too long. I could feel my anticipation building in my chest, bursting to be heard. It took all of my strength to stop me from just ting out what I wanted to say, but I understood the gravity of what we were discussing and knew that was not the way to go about it. A good Dominant wants her submissive to be on the same page as her, not only willing to have his limits pushed, but wanting it. I find the psychology involved in convincing M that this is what he wants, intoxicating. It is what I consider the true essence of behavior modification.  I compose myself and everything starts to flow out naturally, I feel my power. This is the moment of truth. M and I have discussed cuckolding quite a bit and he is granted sex very infrequently and has learned not to even ask, but this is the first time I am going to extiguish any hope he may have of it happening again. I know this is a big deal. I explain in a very sweet and delicate tone how I love him dearly with all my heart, but that he would never have sex with me in the traditional sense again, ever. He stares up at me unblinking. I repeat it so that it would sink in, "M, we have arrived at this point, please understand that you will never, ever have sex with me again." He looks heartbroken, I want to scoop him up and hold him, but I must continue. I tell him how I know he could never satisfy me and in a way, I didn't want him to. I tell him what he already knows, which is that I have been driving this lifestyle because this is what I want. I tell him that there may have been a time when I saw him as a toy to be used sexually, but I just can't even picture that anymore. I tell him how I have always loved the dynamic we have and especially now more than at any other time in the past.  "M, this has always been my goal, you must have always known that." he nods with sad eyes.  I love the control, I love completely owning him in a mothering sense, I love his submission and most of all his helpless obedience and emasculation. I tell him he could never go back, that this was how I want him and how I love him. I can see my words sinking in as he stares at me. The shield of his pacifier gag is rather big and I can't tell if I see anger, fear, or acceptance in his face as he sits there quietly. I continue. "I love you M...but we committed to this lifestyle a long time ago TOGETHER and I just cannot keep indulging you sex when I get nothing out of it. Indulging you in such a way is not good for your headspace and I know you know that. I’m in need of the feelings that I used to get from men who were not my little boy. Yes, our dynamic has me almost constantly aroused...the power ugh..., but masturbation no longer satisfies me and the idea of having sex with what we've helped you become just ruins my powerful headspace."  He looks very sad and is pleading with his eyes, but at the same time I can see he is rocking on his butt slightly fidgeting (he thinks he's being discreet but the crinkle of his diaper is unmistakable). He rocks in his diaper like that when he is aroused and trying to get some feeling to his chaste bits; it's his “poker tell.” This rocking is the final indication I need that I am making the right decision. I stand up, get very close to his side and have him hug my leg while I rub the top of his head.  I tell him that I can tell by his rocking that he must accept everything I'm saying and that a verbal response wasn't needed. He looked up at me suddenly, still rocking and holding my legs, with big eyes, pleading eyes. I smile, "accept it baby, it will be easier, you don't even need to speak. Just nod your head and show me you accept what I've said." Still looking at me, he closed his eyes and drops his chin to his chest. With a little more force I say, "M, open your eyes, look at me and nod your head." 

The Kink Vending Machine Dec 17, 2017   So, you want to submit. You want to be Topped. You want to find a Dominant Woman to whom to submit, and who will probably Top you.   I get it. I really do. It's just like all other relationships - we need something, and we can only really get it from other people. We want sex. Sexual gratification is possible without other people, but almost everyone agrees that it's not nearly as gratifying as it is WITH someone else. We want love. We can love ourselves, and we can love others, but most of the time, we have a powerful need to receive it from someone else. We want to do… stuff. Sex stuff, relationship stuff, life stuff, and yes, again, some of it can be done by ourselves, but mostly, we want someone to do it with, or to do it TO us. We want a someone. Lots of us want our own special someone, who is OUR someone, and for whom we are THEIR special someone in return. Or at least one of their special someones. And let's face it - sometimes we get lonely. Or we get needy. Or we just really want to do that fucking cool thing RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!!!! And then we can get a little…. fixated. That "someone special" starts to look more and more like "someone who will" and then "anyone who will" and then to just "anyone."   But almost NONE of us want to be "just anyone" to someone else. "I didn't get their name" is the joke we see all over to denote a space filler, a warm body, without memorable characteristics. Not special at all, in other words. Forgettable. Not important enough to bother with as an actual person. Just a means to an end.   Completely interchangeable with any other "anyone" we can get hold of when we need one.   About as special as a vending machine.   You need a coke, you go find a machine, pop in your dollar, soda pops out, and you move on. The machine? You barely noticed it when you were feeding it money. You sure as shit don't value it. And you forget it the second you pop that can.   Not flattering.   Here's the crux of the problem - if you will kneel to anyone who lets you, then when you kneel to me, you aren't kneeling TO ME - you're just kneeling because you like to kneel. It's the same as telling me that I'm no one special, and I could be swapped out with anyone and you'd be fine with that. It makes everything I am … nothing. Meaningless. Worthless.   Well, to you, at least.   All the years I spent working on learning how to communicate in a healthy, assertive, honest and open way… they don't matter. All the work I put into learning what makes a good Dominant? The same. All of the time I took educating myself on what makes a bad Dominant? Who cares? Any skills I built because they would give my submissive a better experience? Nada. All of the things that make me Dominant, or a good lover, or a good partner, hell, that make me a good person? Not worthy of notice.   Everything I am, everything I've made myself, everything I value about myself, has no value to someone like that.   They aren't looking at my profile and thinking "DAMN this person sounds amazing!" They aren't reading my writings and falling a little bit in love with my mind. They aren't seeing what I post about how Dominants and Submissives should treat each other and wishing that could be them.   That person… the one who kneels to anyone and everyone at the drop of a hat? THAT person saw a pretty face, got a woody, (or let's be honest, had a woody before they even logged on and are just looking for something to wank it to) and dropped to their digital knees because that’s what they want out of it all - to feel grovel-ish, to play pretend without admitting that to the other person, to rub one out to their fantasy of a Dominant Woman who would do to them the things that they saw in some porn vid. That person is 100% focused on getting something they want. They don't care where they get it, or even about the quality of what they get. They want what they want, and everything else is irrelevant

it has been a very long time since i actively pursued ownership but i never stopped hoping for it to happen. i have been owned three times before for multiple years in each. i live to serve, to be of use, to relieve the stress and take the aggressions of Men. the harder core and taboo elements that come with the right Master are what i crave to have included, along with the realistic day to day owned life activities. in restraints, and struggling with tasks and commands because of limited mobility is a definite piece in my desired life. at home i always have something tight around my neck to remind me of my place in the world, even though unowned. nip clamps are on 24/7 with a medium intensity that builds and builds and is constant rather than sharp and intense with no chance of long-term stamina. i have very dark long-term goals that i keep to myself until committed to a potential Owner/Master. live-in ownership is the goal. realistically i have two older, special needs pets who would go wherever i go and for now that may be a challenge. i believe in worship, idolization, and working diligently to bring happiness to my Owner/Master.

Vanilla relationships and monogamous relationships are perfectly acceptable.  However, these things are NOT my interest and are not for me.  While this site is a bit limited in orientation, I identify as a dominant sadist.  While I can enjoy sex occasionally, I tend to require kink as an aspect of my relationship.  I am also an ethical non-monogamist, and require that any partner\playmate be accepting of that. Really, I'm looking for a good person who's understanding and reasonable who I can sexually destroy and finish the evening with hot tea and cartoons under a warm blanket.

 recently met a vanilla guy that had been a drug addict for more than half of his life. He has been clean for 5 years. This is information that was shared with a perfect stranger within the first 5 minutes of conversation. (I appreciate the upfront honesty, but damn.) From what I learned about him, he was easily swayed by previous lovers and enjoyed being a "doormat." Without knowing My kinky hobbies, he disclosed his desires to be owned by a Dominant Woman.qIuestioned his ability to be involved in a kinky lifestyle relationship without it being totally draining on the Domme. Although I wasnt even going there with this guy, the last thing I want is a overly needy person in my life.Has anyone else run screaming from someone that just oozes insecurity and extreme neediness?How long would someone with an addictive personality actually be able to make it in a kinky relationship with YOU?

I believe daily humiliation is necessary to keep a slave in its place. Keep it naked and on display as i tell it what a cunt whore it is. Repeat often that its only value is the value I give it.   Remind the slave that it is not a person but My property. Tell it that it no longer has rights, opinions or independent thoughts. Tell it those things are reserved for people and it is not people Call attention to the wetness of its fuck hole as I call it names. Enlighten it to the fact that its hole wouldn’t be dripping if it didn’t enjoy being treated like the cunt it is. Write demeaning things on its body as I tell it that I'lll use its holes as they were meant to be used. Tell it that its mouth is now its top cunt, its ass is now its rear cunt and its pussy is now its front cunt. Keep it naked, show off its udders, rear cunt and front cunt to whoever You choose. Make it suck Me and use it as a masturbation device in front of My friends. Talk about it as if it isn't even present.   Laugh at it when it tries to make a decision on its own.   Make it eat My left overs covered in My cum out of a dog bowl at your feet as I enjoy My dessert. Slap its face when it doesn’t sit correctly with its legs spread open. These, among other things will keep the slave in its place. In a short time I'll have a perfectly obedient, cock hungry, happy slave at My feet willing to do anything it needs for My praise and use.

Looking for a connection with someone who hasn't logged in since 2014? Just looking for Friends Only but would love pages and pages of profiles whose last login is 3 years ago, 10 years ago, or more? Don't worry! We at CollarsSpace have you covered too! Just click on "Local Users" and you'll find page after page of profiles that haven't been logged into since 2019, since 2014, since 2010 or even since the first decade of the century! Yes there's profiles not used since 2005 and we'll make sure to disproportionately feature them extra prominently! Oh shucks, you're quite welcome.. But kidding aside folks: It didn't used to be this way until a couple of years ago, when this  started..Before that time, not that many years ago, the Local Users page was not this way, and worked fine. If it's on purpose to "protect people" from getting a huge amount of email the first week then they could just remove the section. Pretty sure that some do not need or want that 'protection' but if that was the goal, then they could remove the section, so seems to be a software issue. No, it's not random dates, either, it changed radically at some point, from a mix of Last Online dates as you'd expect, and mostly not that long ago, to very heavily tilted to like 95 percent of profiles shown (probably more, the exceptions are quite rare) being those that haven't been used for many, many years. Anyone have insight into the minds or intentions of the administrators, or the situation they are in?

Oh no Im Blocked So you contact someone after reading their profile. You can see that you don't fit what they seek but hell you contact them anyway.  They chat with you whilst trying to make it clear that you are looking in the wrong place for the help you seek. You then decided to call them names and block them. Maybe you need to look in the mirror as they are not the issue you are. Respect is what you need and just because they seem to be what you want does not mean you are what they want. SoS

Adieu Yes, maybe it is true.Yes, maybe it is true that maybe i am blue.maybe i am blue, and maybe it is because of you.You were on the venue.i took the cue, and gave what was due,but you didn't follow through.i was at your pew, face to your shoe,You left me like a whoop-de-doo;You didn't renew,You didn't rescue,my confidence in you has flew, askew.There will be no break-through,no rendezvous,no well-to-do point of view.This is World War Two, thank you,and i wont argue how bitter i stew,or how i feel a devalue inyour discontinued virtue.Because now,i see you now at face value.And now i cling to my own Bellevue -my own worldview -And i shall paint her deep blue,because yes, maybe it is true,maybe it is true that maybe i am blue,and maybe it is because of you, mind you -my dear Safeword, Adieu.~ dirtydarling

This site has been a part of my life since 2009.  I have grown and went through many life changes.  My Husband is My Master. We rarely go into Master/slave mode but when we do its what we need.  I realize real serious bdsm is a lifestyle not play and Him and I are far from vanilla. We are deeply spiritual and energy aware so even if we are not practicing what most view as bdsm we have a deep dynamic.  We have been hit with many things over the years . There is always wave for every person. Ours seemed giantic lol but we are together.  I was owned by a Master for ten years in the past. I can see clearly now so many things about that time in my life. There are regrets but we cant go back. It was never meant to be something I could have as a real life in all ways. I wish I would of known myself more but it led to what I was suppose to find. It taught me many things. There were times I thought that It was not safe and I never trusted. I wish I could talk to him but I dont think that will ever happen. I understand why. I really think He thought I was something that I never was . The mind web was so layered I will never know. I rarely wonder anymore because I know I will never get answers.  So I am here...I am just here . I have a few friends here and there that log in. 

Wake up The day has been long and tiring. you get the last seat on the bus. you are grateful for the opportunity to sit. your legs are tired from the day. At the next stop several people get on. One old man ends up standing in front of you. you glance at him, but, try to ignore the old codger. Vaguely you hope his grey beard does not shed on you. Somewhere deep inside you a disquiet disturbs your comfort. you raise up and offer the old guy your seat. Other people on the bus admire your generosity. The old guy sighs as he carefully lowers his creaky body into the space you have left him. A lady sitting across from you says, "that was a nice thing to do." It was, but, that is not why you sacrificed. No, and not because you were thinking of one of your elderly parents. No, this was not a 'nice thing to do.' This was in compliance with your inner need to serve and suffer. you have a slave heart.

I wrote a response and I am going to include in journal. Not so,  Words can be read, with the meaning behind them getting lost. Sometimes if not most of the time,  The answers are not on the surface instead they in the layers that are below.    It would be for those that go deeper, poke at the surface to discover what is so close.     I may have used to many words ..  My therapy is in the past, I put a lot of effort into proving what wasn't the answer I was seeking.    It took time, to not think to solve problems, find better solutions and do everything myself while trying to convince others to follow.   The loss was always relationships. I chose to take the relationship path before I met you    I had no idea the journey that followed.    When you say I am looking for someone to solve my problem for me on the contrary.    I try to steer from say things I don't want or not looking for.    I am not looking for someone to want to solve anything on my behalf or be that feel good help save the day desire.     It's hard not to find that behind the mask in a lot of profiles.    I seek a true selfish, Dominant woman that overlooks any interest in knowing what I may or may not want or have opinion.     Someone who expaspects my voice when called upon to speak. Someone who will not ask if it hurts or if I like something.   I am interested in your leadership, if you will treat property as an asset that gives you return on investment and time.  Will you maximize the asset you own and maintain while training to correct imperfections and lack of training before you owned it.    I look to sure see to a life I have only played out in my mind a thousand times. That there is no word no in my vocabulary.  It's prove you right never wrong.  To not ask or seek pleasure making you the focal point of why I exist.   For that is where I find purpose and a reason to be alive.  That is my nature something I tried to change.    I take what is needed from only that is given, all efforts are to improve and comfort and entertain my owner.   I accept it's still a challenge..   Yes if you say I look for someone to solve my problem. If looking for a qualified owner ?  I am seeking that.  My decision to surrender is precise. Your definition of property is precise.  I have only one choice then yes an owner does solve what ever problem may occur.  I am looking not for problems but some one to lead. 

I love the Q&A moment after wild sex. My new guest pulling out his cigerette in my bed and asking thoose tender questions. Why are you into asphyxiation? You don't look the type to enjoy anal play? Is there a type - is always my response. Appreciating that this guest brought properly fitting condoms and wine but cared to bring another bottle as a gift is in fact a gift, makes a change from the Greek. This one cooks, appreicates I live in a small space but he orientates very quickly and enjoys sticking on the radio to hear the football but tender enough to ask what else do I sexually enjoy. Will be spending the day removing the santorum stain off my duvet cover, thank god for baking soda. Openly dating is very fun.

I  regularly visit this site and Fetlife to check for messages when I do not have a slave in my home.  If you want to learn more about me my profile has a lot of information. I was responding to someone today and realized that my words might be helpful to post here as a journal entry. I can say that I am very real but the definition of real could be different for everyone. Maybe what sets me aside from most on here is I am only interested in real life? Maybe it is that I have had slaves live in my home for over twenty years? Maybe it is that when a slave is in my home I take care of EVERYTHING and her only responsibility is to take care of me. I own my home and a sucsessful business in paradise and I do not need a slave to work outside my home. It is important that any potential slave understand that being MY slave is not all about sex.  I have no interest in having long sexually explict email chat or phone conversations so that you can masturbate. If a submissive or slave is interested in visiting and just having a great week as my slave I am open to that. If you want to be considered as my slave than you will find my questions are not like most of the self appointed Doms or Masters on here.  I am interested in the things that actually matter when I am considering bringing someone into my home. Things LIKE, What is your current living situation? Friends Family Roommates etc? What is your marital status? Married Separated Divorced Never Married? Children? Have you ever been pregnant? Can you become pregnant? Financial status? In my home I take on all responsibilities and if you have a large credit card debt car payments or some other debt it becomes my responsibility. Have you ever filed bankruptcy? Health? Have you had or do you have any STDs? Have you ever been diagnosed with a medical condition like diabetes depression or anxiety that requires a medication? Are you willing to relocate? When? Being a true slave is more than just about sex you will be responsible for all of my domestic duties. Those who want to talk about what Toys I have or How often they will be beaten are just looking for material to masturbate too.   By real I mean our conversations will be about mutial interest but the central theme will be your visit regardless if it is short or long term. If you are not ready to meet in REAL life then I do not consider you real.

I ran over a headlight. Not a bulb, no that would be too easy. I ran over a whole headlight kit. Set. Contraption. Whatever that entire piece is called. I ran it over. But not with a wheel, oh no, that would have been too easy. It got lodged under my car. I had to pull over and get on the ground in a dress and push and pull this thing to get it loose. Yep. I think my car is okay? It didn't blow up.  You know how things happen in threes, right? The two hour tour I took the other night was one. This was two. I didn't have long to wait for three. About an hour later I drove to not one, but two wrong pizza places to pick up my order. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. I have lost my mind. In trying not to jinx myself I won't mention this being over or what else could possibly go wrong because I still have two whole days to this week and I need to make it through without calling a mechanic. And I still have to try to fix the kitchen fan, did I tell you that one? A balloon wrapped around it and the whole thing is dead. The lights, the fan, an outlet on that side of the kitchen. I know, I checked the circuit breaker. That's not it. Life is hurling adulting fast balls at me one after the other and I'm trying not to strike out. I'd settle for a walk as long as it isn't because my car stopped working because I ran over a fucking headlight. 

The mystery of living a life of divine love with harmonious relationships, getting total support and joy within a loving family is surrender. Jesus Christ has said to keep the peace so much as it depends on you. There are many who look for social approval and it takes their focus away from having harmonious relationships. They instead care too much about the opinions of others or what others have said regarding a person and not getting to know them on their own, personally. Having bonds within communities is a good thing as we are all truly brothers and sisters of one another. Look out for the interests of others and not to your own only. Look at your brothers and sisters wherever in the world they may be. Are they in need of anything? If you are abundant and possess something they need that you can spare then don't hold back, give. Not everything is about money either. Lend an ear, lend a shoulder to cry upon, write those letters, offer a hug, cook a meal for someone. When you give you receive. It is written. Only please do not sound a trumpet before you for the deeds you are doing for a brother or sister. No one needs to know, just you, God, and your brother or sister that you helped. And if you cannot give, I say to you pray. The prayers prayed in faith will heal a person even a nation. Will you be caught standing strong in love for God and others? Jesus Christ's homecoming is closer than we may think. Will you be ready?

1. In your first message don't say something like. " Hi how are you doing?" and that is your only message/words.  I won't even answer that. Be more upfront.  2. Please understand here is what I am NOT looking for    A. Not looking for someone that is married   B. Not looking for a weekend here and there   C. Not looking for someone that drinks, smokes and addicted        to drugs. (herb is ok)   D. Not looking to change your diapers   E. Not looking for attention seekers or someone high           maintance   F. Not looking for someone that is new and looking for     someone to train it (unless your ready to go full in)    G. I'm not a Pro and I'm not looking to play games.   H. Not looking for someone that isn't willing to better themselves   I. In general I'm not looking for a city person that is afraid to get dirty.    J. I'm not " needy " I'm more interested in finding a service slave/sub.   K. I'm not interested in seeing your ass pictures.  I'll probably add more to this list later. But HOPEFULLY you read this and don't bother writing if ...your not what I'm looking for. I try to make things simple and to the point.  p.s. I'M NOT LOOKING FOR A DOM.  I PROMISE YOU I WILL NEVER BE YOUR SUB OR SLAVE. I'm not an egotistic person and I do my share of what needs to be done around here. I  believe in harmony. 

Dating economics. Or, how you get what you want. When you consider your dating purchase power, remember that what you value is not always what someone else values, and that what they are looking for may not be what you think you need to advertise.  In my personal case, I am VERY picky about what I want, how I want it, when, why, etc.  My aesthetic appreciation is also rather specific.  My current partner of 13 years offers a wide range of things I enjoy a lot.  He gives amazing hugs and snuggles. (Never underestimate the value of being physically pleasant to touch.) He is tall, and a big guy, so I can feel small and feminine when I'm wrapped up and entangled with him. He's secure enough that I don't have to pretend to be less intelligent or capable than I am. He makes the effort for my pleasure, in bed and in daily life. He is extremely considerate and generous, and tries not to be a hassle, while going out of his way for others. He's smart, and thinks about things, and cares about more than just what's on tv, or what he wants, etc. He's honest, and loyal, and I can trust him with almost anything. He's just a quality human being. While there are things I might enjoy that he doesn't bring to the table, they are obviously not dealbreakers, and well offset by what he does, and apparently he feels the same about me.  And that is what I am willing to have in my life.  Now, I may not be your cup of tea.  I may in fact be a rusty bucket of haunted bog water.  I may be a lot of things, or not, but those looking to purchase my time and energy need to be able to offset any hassles that come with them by more than a narrow margin, because while I'm always up for a good bargain, I'm not hardcore shopping with a need to buy right this second. This means it's a buyer's market when you approach me. And probably when you approach any Dominant Woman. I can take or leave whatever. So if you want to interest me in what you are/have/do, you need to have a good understanding of what I want, and have something to offer that makes you worth giving up the time I could be painting or gardening or crafting, etc to - read your email,  respond to your mail, exchange more emails to get to know you,  talk to my partner about you, make room in my schedule to meet you,  then make whatever arrangements and preparations are required to play. On top of this, the average female experience with a new partner is seldom heavily weighted on the pleasure side, as the average new partner has little idea how to please her, even if they are decently experienced in general and know "how to please a woman" (as if that were a simple skillset that worked for all women.)  Often, an experience with a new male partner is considered good if it isn't actively painful or unpleasant. So the average woman knows going into a new situation with a new male that she probably won't have NEARLY as much fun as the man, and so unless the plan is for multiple assignations, wherein he would then learn more about what she likes to be able to provide it, the motivation to try out a new guy is pretty limited. The expectations are low, and the alternatives may not be fabulous, but they are offset by the ease they bring to the table.  So that is your competition, guys. Not other guys. But our own company. Which means -  if you want to gain my time and energy, you have to impress on me that you have made the effort to learn as much about me as a person as possible, decide that you feel I AM your flavor of tea or bog water, and have thought of something you can do to make all that effort worth both my time and lack of immediate gratification.  If being with you isn't significantly better than being alone, I can just be alone and avoid all the hassles that come with you. Understand - this is not me bragging on being hard to get. This is me explaining what is probably a deep truth for almost any guy trying to get any woman. And absolutely any Dominant Woman.

I have now collared and own NJ Slave1010. It worships me without exception and without question. I have erased most thoughts from its mind, so all it knows is worshipping me, adoring me, thinking about me. I have inserted certain words in its head. So when It reads them or hears them or says them Its’ slave worm, which is now mine, goes to instant erection in honor of me. Only I can grant what is now mine release, not it anymore. And it suffers deeply for me has declared its undying slave love to me.. If any other slaves would love to be my slave and fall deeply in love with me. writing slave love letters to me. Then you can contact me here. You will worship me, adore me, and obey me. I will also instill a bouffant and salon fetish in you where you worship the bouffant Women Having their hair styled in exotic, full, thick. Updo bouffant hairdos and rollers or under dryers like the goddesses they deserve to be. This also goes for CDs who are into this also, I would love to have you worship me getting your hair done in large exotic hairdos under dryers and in large rollers for me.

lyrics Some lyrics from the song all the ways i can die by the band arrows in action Self sabotage is an old friend of mine self care just isnt worth the time

After talking with someone on here recently I've done a lot of thinking about my desire to submit and be bound. I had never really thought about how long I've felt that way or why. Looking back on my teen years I think I've always had a fascination with restraint. My first sexual dream revolved around me getting "caught" and bound up. Looking back I have a few memories where even when I was younger there was something about being restrained that appealed to me. Now, as an adult, I think my feelings now are rooted in my desire to be helpless. I'm fortunate enough to have had a safe life, and I've never been in a bad scenario where I was in significant danger, and I suspect that may have something to do with it. Regardless, I think my root desire is to be helpless, forced to trust another person and do what they say. Something about giving into that power and giving up total control is what I really want. i don't know fully, just been thinking about it recently and these are my first thoughts. Thanks everyone for teaching me more and helping me explore these feelings!

It's time for me to stand up and fight.  I changed my profile picture because I needed to, I had to.  As more time goes on, the more I see, the more our possible future scares me. This upcoming election, and heck up to next Jan 20th possibly, will possibly go down as one of the more important times in US history. And it scares me to the point that I'm being more political than ever before, to spread awareness, to educate.For myself, I've ALWAYS been independant.  I've always voted 3rd party.  I hate the 2 party system.  Every year I could.   Up to 2020, the first year I voted anything else. And again this year. In the future, when the threat has passed, I'll go back to it, but now is the time to stand up and fight.I'm a submissive/slave, and I'm not a passive one waiting for someone to provide orders.  But being a slave is my choice.  My freedom.  And I believe 100% in the freedom that everyone should have, to decide for them what is best for themselves.I believe in Science.  That experts in their fields know better than politicians, or really anyone else.I believe in equality.  It doesn't matter who you are, what you like, or what you do, we should all be equal.I believe in education. and in line with that:I believe in critical thinking. Children - everyone should learn, and should be able to learn, everything they can or want. And even more importantly they should learn that questions, and questioning is ok, to not believe everything that they read or hear and to actually use their brain to think for themselves.I believe in Books.  In line with education, nothing should be banned.I believe in morality. Both teaching it but also living it. Don't do as you are told, instead think for yourself and do as you feel is right. I believe religion is the most toxic thing that has ever been introduced to humanity, but:I also believe that people are and should be free to worship whoatever, whomever, and however they wish, with:I also believe that religion, thoughts, views, and desires should not be thrust upon anyone, as everyone should be free to make their own decisions, and shouldn't be pressured or manipulated into anything.With the above and more...   I believe that Donald Trump will destroy the US if elected again.I believe that project 2025 is real and that Trump is a part of it.I believe that many republicians are not bad people, in the end, but they believe the fake news, the lies, the fear-mongering and the manipulation they are being told, and do not have the skills, or experience, or education to use critical thinking to see through it all. I believe that I must help fight the hate, the lies, and stand up for what is right.I will speak with anyone about anything, if you wish to have a conversation, I'm open, however if you plan on voting for Donald Trump, it is a hard limit and expect nothing more than conversation.I will not be overly political here aside from this journal and the image, but sometimes a very little is all that is needed.I may or may not post other journals, but as of now I neither plan nor intend to, but as I said above, I'm going to stand up and speak for all, so that doesn't mean I won't.

So, many years ago I met someone on here, who absolutely blew my mind.  I'd never experienced control before and it was an amazing journey. From the very beginning, the controlling of my time, as in what I did with my free time, updates of where I would be at certain times in the day so they always knew where I was. Having to be available at specific times. Not a minute before or a minute after. Controlling how and when I touched myself if I could have an orgasm. Even my clothing having to replace my underwear with women's underwear. Sitting to go to the toilet. All these things which I was told was leading up to a very hard limit of feminizing. Which was a total mind fuck. Because with each step that I was pushed and you eventually that that limit would be pushed as well and if both scared and excited me at the same time.  Now I never knew as we never got to it if that would have happened, whether I would have been feminized or whether because it was a very hard limit of mine, it was simply used as a mind fuck. Either way it's certainly did the trick. The less freedom I had and the more control she took made me feel so submissive and so desperate to continue to please.

We have taken another downshift here.  Last week I was beside Myself with how to continue carrying on and doing what I am with mum.  New behaviors are emerging or shall I say deepening.  More fear, more dependency, more suspect, more taking off, more refusal, more aggression, more silence at least for My part.  In some ways, we are coming full circle - with I processing an entire lifetime of family and friends,  opportunities and challenges, where I have come from, who has supported Me along the way and where I am going from here.  Meanwhile she slips farther and farther.  I understand what the doctor meant when they said she needed social engagement first and foremost.  While she may not be able to complete a thought - not one - she has a need to be seen and engaged with.  I feel her whole being crying out silently for reason and meaning and death.  I need ...  well, I need.   Stripped bare I am, emotionally, mentally, physically.  Feeling that theme of the Phoenix Rising around Me at this time.  Lots of fire and brimestone, and dragons breath and POWERS restrained.  

I wish I understood the urge to write to a stranger and make obscure pronouncements. I am moving. I tried it. Even compliments like You have sexy feet or I love your hair. I wonder if they get an effective response rate from others. They certainly don't get anything from me but the delete button. I don't think I can be any more clear. Read the fucking profile. Emails with less than 3 sentences are deleted as soon as they are opened. Yes, even compliments. Even cryptic declarations. Especially cryptic declarations. Occasionally I am tempted to reply to a nice message with a thank you or ask a cryptic declarater (declarator? one who declares cryptically) WTF. But then I remember that EVERY SINGLE TIME I have made an exception, I have regretted it or felt it was a terrific waste of my time and effort or both.   I guess I will never know where random guy is moving or what other random guy tried. Maybe I'm better off not knowing. ~E

For those who ask me this is the sort of Domination I enjoy and practice.  from www.cyberbazzar.com waay back in the day! The Equalitarian Dom: Is one who controls by teaching, mentoring, and leading. This Dominant knows that when he finds a comparable submissive that things will happen as a natural progression of the interaction. Usually just a short learning phase is required to receive the correct response from the submissive. Both the Dom and the sub “get it”, there is very little need for so called “training” and they naturally know what the other needs and seeks. The Dominant does not like the situation of constantly repeating and forcing a particular behavior (submission) to occur. Besides the activities (sexual and others) it is the surrender as a result of the Domination that is the enjoyment. Creativity is an important part of this situation. They tend to intellectualize and be more into the philosophical and psychological mechanisms of this life style. They understand the concepts and resultant interactions and can put it into real life. They do not need many rules like the Democratic type, nor do they like the heavy S&M activities of the Authoritarian, preferring submission to occur as a result of an instilled desire in the submissive to surrender. She “wants” to submit as a result of the Dominant’s knowledge and skill in dominating her. Sensuousness is the rule. Pain is given and received as a form of sensuous stimulation. Light pain as opposed to severe. Sensuous torture is a popular activity in this area. Both the Dominant and the submissive must naturally be this way. These are the people who will claim to be “born that way”. They fully understand the concept of D/s, it comes to them naturally and easily. They attract a submissive that truly and naturally desires to please and who will observe and sense what it is that the Dominant is communicating; and be able to translate that into the right thing to do. The “doing or saying without having to be told” type. The submissive begs easily and surrenders sweetly. They understand the concept of respect and surrender and can make it happen after initial learning with little or no additional instructions. They embrace the surrender gratefully and lovingly.   These individuals usually form very intimate relationships. There is not much downside to these relationships, because they not only gr the concepts, but can make it happen as well, and their attraction is based on a strong mutual respect. Their strong relationship is not readily apparent to the unobservant, but they are always subtly in the 24/7 mode. The fact that these things come forth naturally and without the need for orders is a great source of pride, satisfaction, and loving. They are the opposite side of the coin from the Authoritarian. Whose pride, satisfaction, and love come from strictness and forbearance.

3/21/26  Happy Spring........................ I have been reflecting lately on the people I have met within this community. I deeply respect the honesty this lifestyle can bring when it is genuine, but with time comes the clarity to recognize the difference between surface-level energy and meaningful connection.   For me, this has never been solely about the physical. It is about presence, trust, and an energy that transcends the moment. When you truly understand your desires, you stop trying to fit where you do not belong and stop reshaping yourself for acceptance. Once you experience an authentic connection where you can show up fully, you realize you can no longer settle for anything less.   I am grateful for the experiences and the people who have shaped my perspective. I feel more grounded now in what I will and will not accept moving forward. Real connection is rare, and I have decided to no longer entertain anything that doesn't meet that standard.   For a long time, I was simply pushing forward, always waiting for "someday." Lately, however, I have been sitting with a different truth. While I do not have a perfect life, I am envisioning a version of life that is perfect for me. We all have things that need to be healed or figured out, and many of us feel like we don't quite fit the ordinary mold. We think differently and require different ways of being seen—yearning for the specific types of love and service that only those within this community truly understand.   There is something honest about that realization. It is about recognizing that even in the middle of life's messy moments, there are still people worth meeting and experiences worth having. You don't have to be perfect to find what is perfect for you. Take the risk of being volunerable, take the risk of being seen or even hurt..... We have less years in front of us then we do behind us.. Risk the chance before you regret it.. Hugs, bumps and grinds my naughty kinsters........ xox

The grass is greener on the other side. Met someone normal from this site. Both very busy working professionals but seem to be orbiting which is not a bad thing just waiting to align a little. Meeting someone normal makes you look at this site a little differently. Your not dissappointed by the odd time waster because your time has no longer been wasted. Your hopeful about a possible relationship now being closer to one that might have some sort of functionality in a modern busy working professionals relationship. Makes you not want to advertise your vexes with the site but merely observe and let not affect you anymore.   - The grass is greener on the other side.

The “Honest” secret to a truly happy life I came to this epitome recently which felt as if I found a jigsaw piece that I didn’t even know I had loss. I have always known that I do not think the same as most people but never thought about why. As a young kid I was exposed to motivational speakers and realized that the affirmations, meditation and even the music I listened to affected my mood. I grew up confident in my abilities and became a natural leader but never questioned why. I watched an interview where the topic of honesty and lying came up. The interview prompted me to research the physical and mental effects of lying and I was surprised. What resulted caused me to self-evaluate my some of my deepest personality traits. I felt as if I had been bumping into things in a dark room my whole life without even knowing it and a light was turned on. Nothing in my life is any different today but I can now clearly see how being completely honest has had a major impact in my life. It has affected me physically, mentally in amazing ways that I had not considered until now. When I was successful at something I took credit and if I failed, I accepted the responsibility. There were no participation trophies, if I screwed up I learned to accept the consequences. As a result, I develop strong mental and social connections with those close to me because people inherently understood that I had integrity and they could trust me. While still in high school I recognized that most of my peers were interested in sex but few knew anything about it. I was experienced which high school girls found very attractive so I took advantage of it. As an athlete I used affirmations that I was going to be successful it was uplifting and positive. My success with girls gave me confidence and it became self-fulfilling the more experience I gained the more they were interested in me. Self-deception shapes our reality, influencing choices and beliefs both negatively and positively. Many types of ‘lying’ also involve self-deception, in Aesop's fable "The Fox and the Grapes". The fox in the end, gives up and walks away, saying the grapes weren't that good anyway. The fox demonstrates how self-deception can be useful for avoiding the discomfort of unmet desires. When I was not successful with a girl, I would chalk it up to it was her loss not mine. It was because of that attitude that I never let failure slow me down. I have shared a story many times that, I honestly thought everyone was having sex when I was in high school because I was. Several years after high school I met a friend and we talked about the girls we dated. I was amazed that he never had sex with any of them, he was a virgin until he was in college. I screwed every girl I dated, if fact I flat out told them if I was going to go out and spend money on them, I would require at least a blow job. A few were offended but most were intrigued some even enough to pay for the date. That story always meant something to me because all of my guy friends were talking about getting laid but come to find out they were all full of shit. It has proven to reinforce my confidence and success with women. It turns out that studies have shown, those who believe lying will give them monetary or social recognition are more likely to continue being dishonest. Those who tend to be insecure or have an anxious, avoidant or attachment issues are more likely to be dishonest to avoid being criticized, rejected. Lying affects self-esteem, emotions and can lead to psychological consequences. Dishonesty puts the brain in a state of heightened alert, and this stress increases with the magnitude of the lie. There are very real symptoms of anxiety like increased respiratory and heart rates, sweating, dry mouth. That is how a lie detector works it measures your anxiety but there is a reason it does not work on everyone and I will get to that. The gut-brain axis refers to the two-way communication between the two systems, and explains why people describe feeling butterflies in their stomach under extreme stress. Research has shown the act of lying stimulates the neocortex, limbic system the temporal lobe and other areas of the brain. When we deceive someone the Amygdala, the part of the brain that regulates emotion, is activated, and we tend to feel shame or guilt. Brain imaging experiments have shown the limbic system in a dishonest brain lighting up like a fireworks display. Unfortunately, they also show that the brain can adapt to dishonest behavior. Studies have found that habitual lying can desensitize our amygdala and may even encourage people to tell bigger lies to get the same rush in the future. Those that lie all the time about little things tend to pass a lie detector because their body does not respond normally. A 2002 study performed found that 60 percent of people lied at least once during a 10-minute conversation, telling an average of two to three lies. A 2010 study have shown that the average American tells one to two lies a day. Many people find deception essential for survival and social interaction to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. I will do my best to avoid confrontations and avoid topics where I anticipate difficulties but I will not lie to protect feelings or keep someone’s secret. I have always told people, do not lie to protect me because I will tell the truth no matter the consequences and you will get burned. At least to me being honest about everything is not a moral choice, I just find it a lot less stressful. If you have nothing to hide, there is nothing be worry about. If you fuck something up own it and get past it. The facts prove that I am right, if you are in a small group you have to keep track of what you told each person so not to create a confusion. A liar has to steer conversations to avoid tripping over lies which will create the need for more lies or blend, bend lies to make the fit. I am sure that some enjoy the mental gymnastics and get a rush out of deceiving people and they become pathological liars. For most, it just creates anxiety, depression, high blood pressure and all kinds of other stresses. I take the time each day to appreciate what I have achieved. I try to meditate, say affirmations, practice yoga in order to center myself. Life is good…. I have always known I look at life different than most people but never questioned why. I now have a better understanding why a lot of women I correspond with eventually ghost me. My actual life is their fantasy world and they either assume that I am lying. When it becomes clear that I am serious it can scare the shit out of them. I have found that when faced with everything they say they want, their reality kicks them in the ass. They have family obligations, children, career or other considerations that will prevent them from leaving the world they know. In the end they are just looking for a masturbation partner. There a few adventurous enough, that when provided an opportunity to recreate their life, step out of their comfort zone and make the changes necessary to make their fantasies come true. Choosing to live your life before it is too late can be scary. Imagine your life six months from now not having to worry about going to work, paying rent or other bills and everything you need like food, clothing, shelter is provided. The perfect 1950’s homemaker that spends her time taking care of the Master of the home. I have been active in the kink community for my entire life and can make fantasies come true. I won a successful business, multiple vehicles, my home, a bar that hosts monthly BDSM lifestyle events and have organized the Key West kink community for over ten years. I now realize that when I share my reality, the truth about what I have accomplished and what I have to offer it sounds like a lie. Nothing in my life is any different today and I do not know what I am going to do with, this new found understanding of what makes me who I am. I guess the funniest thing is, when I am not successful with a potential slave it is truly her loss not mine. If anyone who knows me wants to comment on what I have written, please feel free. I would appreciate any feedback.  

Like many of my ponderings here, it all starts with reading a book. In this particular book a character was talking about a two year relationship he had with a woman but it wasn't serious. She was sort of a place holder for a while. Those were the words. Place holder. I get it, people want companionship, sex, having your needs met in the moment. Like that song, "If you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with." I suppose I've been idealistic most of my life, hence the waiting and saving of various things, so it's probably not difficult to believe that this bothers the holy Moses out of me. I don't like the idea of a place holder. At all. I mean, I suppose sometimes those place holders turn into something unexpected. What do you do if it doesn't? What happens when you meet someone else? What if they do? What if being together prevents you or them from meeting that person?  I make quick decisions. I walk into stores and if I like it I don't hem and haw. I buy. I order at a restaurant and I don't ask the wait staff which is better. I know what I'm getting and how I want it prepared. In the past I've experienced the same uncomfortable break ups as you, if you've ever tried to break up with someone. It sucks. But I don't draw it out, that doesn't benefit anybody. If you know it's not working, rip off the band aid and make yourself available for new experiences. Or don't. If you like the place holder and everyone is comfortable with that idea, more power to you. Just make sure you're both on the same page. For the record, I will never be on that page. Don't come at me place holding, buddy. Some people might say I'm missing out on all of the everything. To me, he is all of the everything, and I don't want to tarnish that with place holding. Does that feel like pressure to you? When it's right, it won't. 

So, I am getting a lot of the same questions repeatedly… let me address some of them here. Let me start with a statement that will be an umbrella over many of these questions.  As stated in my profile, we gave up porn.  His struggle was giving up visual porn, mine was written porn.  I can see even now, in these questions, verses our life, how important it was that I gave up the written porn.  Our life, our play, or intimacy, was not defined by the world of BDSM labels.  It was organic.  There were no contracts, no plans, no agreements.  There was rarely any direction given, except in the moment, as needed for the moment.  Now I will try to explain further in answering some questions Q. Was my husband my “Master” “Dominate” “Sir”etc. A. My husband was my husband.  Most of the time I called him hun, sweetheart, darling.  If I know I had been sassy and pushed him too far and was getting myself into trouble, I might slip into a Sir to try to bail myself out, to try to show respect.  If he was giving me a direction during a punishment I might respond with a Yes Sir.  I was not necessarily instructed to do this, it happened organically.  I was raised in a home where Ma’am and Sir is a way you show respect.  Even teaching Sunday school I will refer to a kid as Sir when I want to get their attention, it is a common phrase in my vocabulary, and thus a natural one for me to use when it seemed appropriate with my husband.  Did I wander around the house asking “Sir” what he wanted for breakfast in front of our son… No. absolutely not.  Unless I was being totally sarcastic and playing around.  In which case, I was probably talking to our kid lol.  Q. Was my marriage a “1950’s”, “1960’s”, “Taken in Hand”, “Domestic Discipline” again with the BDSM community labels… A. Nope.  I would not call my marriage any of these.   Taken in Hand and Domestic Discipline in BDSM terms tend to imply something far more formal than what we had, and sometimes even imply religious cause, which as I have stated was absolutely not the case.  As far as Period “play”, this would probably imply I was also some awesome house keeper, cook, etc.  Some sort of naked kinky June Cleaver comes to mind, in nothing but my apron, dusting the house and making meals while caring for the kids.  Again, nope.  Our son has behavioral heath special needs and it took all I had to not lose my mind trying to deal with his needs, we went through a remodel, moved 3 times, my husband was often in and out of hospitals, even before he got really sick, as such, my house keeping was minimal quite often, meals were what we could manage in an active remodel. My husband often helped with domestic chores such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, when I eventually went back to work after our son was an adult and out of the home. Q. So, what are some examples of how our relationship remained within the faith, but we still enjoyed each other in this way? A. An example my husband sometimes gave when trying to explain it to someone was the example of a washing machine.  We need a new washing machine.  I do most of the laundry.  He doesn’t care if the machine is front loading or top loading, that is a preference I would care about.  His concern is cost.  He gives me a budget to work within.  I then do research on washers.  I find a few models I like and come back and discuss the pro’s and con’s with him.  Of course, they should have probably all been within the budget he allowed, but knowing me, I probably slipped one in that was bit over… After all, he can always just say no.  I will probably sell him on it though lol.  He adored me and spoiled me like that.  He always tried to give me anything I wanted if he could.  So, I then make the arrangements to buy the washer and have it delivered and installed.  So, as you see, it was a team effort.  However, the budget we were working with was up to him.  Honestly, could I have responsibly managed to buy a washer within budget without him, sure.  I hate to spend money like that though and probably would have allowed myself half the budget and gotten junk to be honest.  He helped to balance me like that. Q. So, this next question has come in a number of different forms, but at the end of the day, everyone is curious about the number one thing around this site.  Was I given correction for things, what form did that come in, and how did I feel about it? A. As I don’t read porn, I am certainly not about to sit here and write it for you.  The details of this is a conversation for after we get to know each other much better.  In short, yes, there absolutely was correction.  He was a very heavy handed man to be honest.  How did I feel about it?  Straight up, I am not a fan of pain in the moment.   I am not a “pain slut” you will never hear me scream out “thank you sir may I have another” lol.  I would do just about anything to avoid pain.  That being said, no physical restraints were ever needed.  I did as was told, took what I had coming when I had it coming.  No, I found zero pleasure in the moment.