A riding crop and a blind bold doesn't make it BDSM. There is a big difference between being kinky and being in the scene. It's not a sexual thing but a very spiritual thing (Amen!)

Author DominaBlue

“Most people work around their sexual demons, we harness ours up and take them out for a ride”

— Bob H

Somehow I can't cut and paste now. I wanted to start my journals again. Oh, well.

shay

TO THE PERSON THAT HAS STOLEN THE FRST PICTURE ON MY PROFILE....HERE'S A WORD FOR YOU....I HOPE YOU HAVE AS MANY COMPLIMENTS AS I HAVE. i ALSO HOPE YOU REALIZE IMITATION IS THE HIGHIST FORM OF FLATTERY.....THERE CAN BE NO OTHER SASSHAY!!!!!

MENTORSHIP
http://www.evilmonk.org/A/constance04.cfm
  One of the words we hear a lot these days is "mentor."  People talk about the need for mentors in our community.  Novices are looking for mentors.  More experienced people call themselves mentors.  There seems to be a general consensus that everyone needs them and everyone who can be one should be a mentor.
  Personally, I never really had any mentors in the Leather community.  There were people I looked up to, certainly, but I met them all well after I was on my way to being whatever I am now.  There are people within my own community whom I respect, but I don't see them as mentors.  For me, I don't think the lack of mentorship was a negative experience.  Not having a mentor forced me to reflect on what was important to me, to find my own code of behavior.  While it might have been easier to have someone who was willing and able to guide me and help me find my path, there are advantages, too, to finding one's own way.  I have had mentors in my life, however, people who guided me and to whom I owe a great deal.
  I get emails sometimes from novices looking for someone who will mentor them.  Those emails are encouraging, in that they tell me that the novice has recognized a need for education, but I don't think having a mentor is a substitute for doing your own research, either.  While it might have been nice to have someone give me the basics of using a cane, I still would have had to start slow and practice it until I felt comfortable, learn the implement through a careful process of trial and error.  I would still have had to learn the craft of what I wanted to do.  There is no substitute for that, mentor or no.
  One of the other things that those emails tell me is that we don't see mentorship in the same way.  Usually, the emails come from people I don't know and who don't know me.  They don't know how they feel about me personally, they don't know what my style is as a person or a dominant, they don't know what my particular skills or interests are.  We are strangers to each other, and I don't believe a stranger can be your mentor.  The nature of the relationship requires a kind of intimacy, a level of comfort with each other.
  Mentorship is less like applying for a job and more like finding a spouse.  There has to be chemistry between the parties, a genuine respect, an acknowledgement that this is someone whom you would like to emulate.  Too often we confuse mentors with teachers when there are important differences.  A teacher can show you how to knot a rope harness or braid a whip.  They impart a skill or a craft.  A mentor tends to affect all areas of our lives because they affect the way we see the world and ourselves.  They show us by example, by being the kind of person we aspire to be.  We look at them and think, this is what I want to be when I grow up.  All mentors are teachers.  Not all teachers, though, are mentors.  Neither is more or less than the other, they are simply different.  Teachers are able to offer their knowledge to more students because the intensity of their involvement is less, while mentors must limit their focus.  We have many teachers and few mentors in our life, but they fill equally important roles.
  Mentorship is not something you choose at the beginning of your association.  It is a relationship that we grow into.  We begin to know the future mentor well enough to understand and respect them.  We notice how they behave, how they manage their lives.  We ask them for advice occasionally, then more often.  We find ourselves mentally saying, "What would so-an-so do in this situation?"  After a while, we realize that they have become our mentors, the people we looked up to, asked for advice, strove to emulate. 
  Mentoring another person is a serious commitment.  Mentoring takes time and energy.  It is a decision similar to taking on a submissive.  It's also something that shouldn't be a one-way street.  While I don't expect the same things from someone I mentor as I would from a submissive, I don't expect them to take the knowledge I give them and saunter off, never looking back.  I expect them to work to become more than they are and, when they are ready for the role, to give back what they have been given by being examples to others.
  We as a community need to understand that while not everyone is able to be a mentor, more of us need to be teachers.  All of us have knowledge that can be shared, specific and general skills that are both lifestyle and non-lifestyle related.  We know how to behave at events, what to wear, how to fit in.  Too often we hang back from involving ourselves with people new to our community.  Too often we see the only option as an all-out mentorship when, in fact, the willingness to be a teacher may be just what the novice needs.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Contract_(BDSM)
  The petition acts in the same manner as a cover letter for a résumé. In a petition a submissive will make their plea to the Dominant and may outline why they are seeking to be in service to the Dominant. Generally not used with a relationship that existed prior to the contract, however, for a submissive who is in search of a Dominant, this feature helps to show professionalism and attention to detail. The petition should go into detail of your request, why you wish to be in service, your goals, and why you've chosen this Dominant specifically.

 Names and Roles of Parties

Generally the opening portion of the contract states the names of the parties, and spells out what roles they play. Many reflect a degree of affected legalese (e.g., "herein referred to as Master"), though it is in no way required. Couples who are concerned about the existence of a paper trail may consider omitting the names, or taking a pseudonym.

 Term of Service

The contract should define the period of service. Generally, beginning couples start with a one to three month contract. This allows for a couple to explore the confines of the relationship without an onerous lifetime commitment.

Rules, Duties, and Goals

Each party should specify the rules and duties that are expected to be enforced during the contract period. This is also where the level of protocol is spelled out. The more detail agreed to ahead of time, the less likely misunderstandings will appear later.

Limits

A contract will usually list the BDSM activities that the parties require or do not consent to. These are called limits, and may be in the form of a BDSM checklist that is included in, or attached to the contract.

 Termination Requirements

This section dictates who can terminate the agreement, and under what circumstances. Many contracts state that the Dominant may breach the contract at will, while the submissive can only terminate the contract under circumstances that are dictated within the contract (which may include non-consensual abuse or neglect, or repeated violations of limits). If there is a safeword that the submissive can use to end the contract, it is included here.
 Signature of all Parties

The act of signing the contract formalizes the existence of the relationship. Additionally, some contracts may include the signatures of one or two witnesses.

Contract: A written agreement outlining the rights and duties of D/s partners. BDSM contracts do not have any meaning in terms of law, but they are often used to

Service top
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Service_top
  Within a BDSM context, a Service Top is a partner who is the active participant, applying the activities or techniques of BDSM "play" upon (a) bottom partner(s), but who does not dominate the bottom, and instead acts upon the wishes and desires of the bottom. The application of various BDSM tecniques may be requested, or even directed, by the bottom partners(s) who have de facto control of the context.
  Most professional Dominatrices and Masters are considered Service Tops. Many non-professional kink players enjoy offering Service Topping for the enjoyment of the bottom(s), as well as for their own pleasure and satisfaction.
  Service tops are considered by some devotees of BDSM to be failing at maintaining a "proper" BDSM relationship dynamic, as the stereotypical archetype of the Top within some kink communities is typically the Dominant-Top. There is not, however, "one true way" to maintain a BDSM relationship dynamic, and a mutually negotiated Top/bottom power exchange that varies from the stereotypical is just as valid as power exchanges that are arguably more traditional.
  One niche that a Service Top could fill would be assisting in the punishment or training of a sub by a Dom or Domme. However, they can also act as free agents, negotiating with consenting bottoms and catering/customizing activities and/or intensity to the tastes of the bottom(s). Since not all bottoms are submissives, the partially or fully inverted power dynamic can meet the needs of both the service-oriented Top and the non-submissive, sensory-seeking bottom.
  Regardless of how much creative control is transferred to the bottom, it is the Service Top's responsibility to monitor, maintain and ensure the safety of the bottom during play. This could include declining a request by the bottom should the Service Top feel it is not safe or not in the best interest of the bottom. Some bottoms elect passivity during scenes and may prefer not to verbally communicate once a scene has begun. A successful Service Top will be able to intuit if a bottom is in non-negotiated distress, through reading body language, periodic "check ins," and other means of gauging the bottom's emotional, mental and physical state. Other bottoms may enjoy (and in fact require) the freedom to communicate at will, and even be bossy in some cases. Both professional and non-professional Service Tops are responsible for establishing their own boundaries and expectations with regard to the specifics of the power exchange (or power balance) during pre-play negotiation.
  As far as training or service incidences outside the BDSM community go (and they are legion), a professional Service Top can serve as an extremely useful member of society, indeed. Especially when the alternative is ignorant- and therefore dangerous- application of BDSM principles.

Tolerance

Anticipation of the Dominants Needs

SAFE CALLS
Most of us are familiar with the concept of a safe-call: The practice of making a phone call to a third party when meeting someone for the first time. This is often followed up with a second phone call a couple of hours later to "check in" and make sure the meeting went okay.

The vast majority of folks in and around the BDSM community are good people. In that sense, safe-calls are much like locks; they help make sure good people stay good. With this in mind safe-calls should be considered an extra safety measure, they are not a primary safety measure. Safe-calls do not replace primary precautions.

Primary precautions are things like:

Getting to know your potential partner before entering into a scene with them. This means you should spend time with them in person and not just over some electronic media, before scening.

Always doing your first scene with someone in some kind of public forum. This doesn't mean you have to go out to a BDSM club, it can simply be inviting another couple over for a small play party.

If you have to travel to meet your partner, why not consider meeting at a BDSM event, with a little poking around you can always find one going on somewhere.

Once the primary precautions are out of the way, a safe-call can be added as an extra layer of security. The main purpose of a safe-call is to further reduce the likelihood of a having a problem in the first place. This is accomplished in the following mechanism -- If everyone knows who you are and whom you are with, you are less likely to do something you shouldn't, because, if you do, everyone is going to know about it.

It is also worth remembering that a safe-call is intended to protect the Dominant as well as the submissive. While the Dominant may not feel they need physical protection, almost everyone is vulnerable to false accusations. By making more people aware of the meeting and the specifics of the meeting, there is less room for colorful embellishment.

The essential elements for a safe-call are:

1. A person who is not involved in the meet must know everyone's real name and contact information.

   This means that first and foremost, everyone's identity needs to be clearly established. One way to help do this is to ask each person involved in the meet to provide not only their own contact information, but also the name and phone number of a reference. The reference should be someone with first-hand knowledge of where the person lives.

2. Everyone must be aware that someone else knows their real name and contact information.

   The person providing the safe-call should get all the relevant contact information and call both those involved in the meet and each of the references provided at a random time before the meeting. This will help verify the contact information and ensure that everyone is aware that the safe-call provider has their information.

   As a side note: It is a good idea to make sure that all parties in the meet have the contact information for the person providing the safe-call. If there is a medical emergency or any other type of problem, the person providing the safe-call needs to be reachable by everyone.

3. The person who is providing the safe-call should know where and when the meeting is taking place and should be expecting a call by a certain time.

Some people go so far as to set up 'code' words that can be used to secretly express that there is a problem. How far you take it is up to you, but the important part is that everyone knows who everyone else is.

Remember, safe-calls are only one part of managing personal risk. Be careful, have fun, and hopefully you'll have, at the very least, made a new friend.

You can download and view a sample safe-call form below:

• Safe-Call Form (Word 6.0)

• Safe-Call Form (Adobe PDF)

BDSM play can be an extremely emotional experience for "either end of the whip" (or flog or paddle or strap or...). A very important aspect of "after-play" is aftercare. The "D" may be experiencing feelings of insecurity over their enjoyment of 'hurting' their partner (this is more common with, but not limited to, a novice). The "s", especially a novice (but, again, not limited to), will probably be running through a wide range of emotions that may well include tears. This is frequently a better time for mutual holding and soothing than it is for a Q&A session. Talk, communication, is essential, that can't be stressed enough, but allow some time to pass for the whirling emotions to settle. THEN talk. And talk. And be honest. This is where tact and that aforementioned sense of humor can be a great help. Be sensitive to your partner's needs.

Different Types of Submission in BDSM: Submissive, Slave and Pet
Submissive Article Submission
In the BDSM lifestyle there are largely three different types of submissives, and when speaking to them, they will tell you with pride which they are and why. The following is a small idea of the differences, in no way giving all the details that are involved with the vast array of men and women that submit.

Submissive - As a submissive you are in the first tier lets say of a Dominant/submissive lifestyle. You submit to your Master, you give up control for long periods of time. However you have your opinions and your choices and you can still make them. Say you do the dishes and pay the bills, these things usually are still under your control. It changes only during set times and parameters. There is also the thought of the "power balance" between dominant and submissive. Meaning that in a submissive role although you give up the control the power is really still 50/50 just in a different setting and under more intense circumstances. Sex is usually a large part of this relationship and mostly where the submission enters in. Now don't get me wrong the intensity is still strong and the punishments and pain are real and overwhelming however you have more of an option to stop and this doesn't spill over into the everyday that much.

Slave - As a slave control is given up completely. The power balance is completely tipped in the Dominants direction. However keep in mind this is a choice the slave makes not something she/he was made to do. Slaves usually are slaves 24/7. They may work but when they get home there is no distinction from normal day to a BDSM day, that person is always a slave from the day they ask for that. As a slave sex is still very real and alive however not always the goal and not needed for the Dominant and slave to be in that persona. As a slave the lifestyle is usually more intense in pain, humiliation and just pure pleasure. Something to remember however is that as a slave this does not mean if the Dominant asks you to break the law or hurt yourself that you should obey on a whim. If a Dominant is asking you to do things that are against the law or against your moral values than he or she is not a true dominant.

Pet - This hasn't always been a classification of a submissive person and is still controversial in some circles. A pet is more on the side of a slave except for one large difference, sex does not have to be involved. In many cases it is not. If you have become a pet it is to give up yourself and obey, you gain pleasure from the control and the obeying not from sexual play. There can be play but it is rare in this kind of lifestyle. This submission is one of the most dangerous because you can lose yourself mentally because you so rarely have thoughts of your own, you usually do not work and although you may discuss things with your Dominant he is last say in all things.                                                          Ultimately the deeper you go into submission the stronger you have to be which of course is peculiar since you have to give up more of your control with each level. But you have to be very sure of yourself to give up every ounce of control and thought. Taking each step is serious and should never be taken light by the Dominant and submissive, especially if you want to remain safe, sane, and consensual.

 FINDING YOUR DOMINANT!
http://www.steel-door.com/Finding_Your_Dominant.html
 Are you looking for a magic spell? That unique formulae that will guarantee you the results you want? Well, there isn't any trick. Not really...
 If you are looking for a lifetime partner, that one special person to share your life with, then you start at the beginning. First you sit down and identify who you are. By this I mean your views on morality, ethics, spirituality, politics, race, child rearing, your taste in music, shows, food, theater and especially your sense of humor. Yes!!! Everything counts. These foundational aspects count the most. Too many people look through the wrong end of the periscope, looking for the D/s aspect instead of the quality person. When you believe you have a clear and unbiased view of yourself, then your task is to find someone that parallel's you. This is crucial. In many ways in the distance of a relationship a submissive will release their limits. If they love their Dominant they may cease using safe-words or signs wanting only to please their Dominant. So, it is a good idea to 'match' with the same limits as your Dominant from the beginning. In addition, if you are a hamburger person, you may have trouble eating steak and caviar - be real and honest!
 Yes. Dominant's have limits. They have the same mental processes as anyone else. The same unique blends of interests, ideas, and fantasies. By seeking someone who matches you then you reduce (by a huge amount) the potentials of limits violations.
 So, you have your list in hand . . . now what? Since you are probably receiving this through AOL or online my next suggestion is to conduct a member search of the directory that AOL offers to its members. This you can do by typing in such clues as keywords like Dominant, Master, Domme, Mistress. Then type in your local area. This is important. It is my sincere and honest opinion that you should allow your search to extend no further than a 200 mile radius (or 3 hour drive) from your permanent location. Long distance relationships have very poor statistics, they can foster illusions and fantasies and in general can create dangers and problems which are much less common 'within' your local community. After you have located some members from your area, you may decide to read those who have profiles. You may note a few that 'might' be interesting. You might want to consider sending a polite introductory email letter. In addition I recommend connecting with your local community. Virtually all areas of the country have them. Many are invisible for excellent reasons. It will take a bit of work to find them. This can also be addressed in your initial email letters. You can ask for contact information. In some larger cities the organizations are bigger and somewhat easy to find. Join. Attend a few local social events (I am not talking play parties or open dungeons but demo's and workshops or even weddings!).
 By limiting your search to your immediate vicinity you increase the potentials of finding a partner within a distance where the growth of a relationship can occur. Relationships are in real life. They are not in cyber conversations and long distance phone calls with 4 times a year meetings. Some people look to long distance to 'prevent' the odds of making a relationship real or to allow them to have casual affairs (regardless of what they say!). They enjoy the fantasy of online infatuations and involvement's without the subsequent responsibilities that reality would require. They are designs that most frequently injure. If you find you are constantly finding Mr or Ms Right 3000 miles away, you are probably subconsciously preventing yourself from committing fully with a relationship that is realistically viable. When contacting potential partner's in your area, be open enough to express yourself clearly but try not to give them the answers to all your hopes and dreams. Some people will attempt to 'appear' just right when they really are not. Keep your conversation courteous but not deferential. It is important when looking for a life partner to explore all of those vanilla aspects. The things on your list. If the person you have contacted has no desire to do this, then they cannot be actively searching for a partner. If the person only has a desire to role play and talk D/s or BDSM, then they may not be looking for a life partner. If they immediately insist you call them an honorific title etc. then you should probably move along to someone else. In general terms this can indicate a poor self image or a person with a less than clear understanding of the D/s relationship or lifestyle in the real world.
 Honorific titles are earned - not bestowed by typing in a screen name box or by telling other people that you are something. It is my opinion that to earn respect one must be respectable. This is done through actions over a long and tractable time - consistent actions and behavior becoming to the individual. To me this is a person with quality traits that I find easy to admire and understand. This is the person who is paying their bills, handling their obligations (such as childcare or child support), maintaining relationships long term with friends and family, pursuing hobbies and interests external to the BDSM world.
 Next I recommend a fairly prompt meeting when you find a person who is interesting to you. The longer you communicate online or on the phone the more a fantasy or assumption of expectation can occur. This should be a strictly vanilla meeting. Lunch in a public place with No plans for anything further that day at all. Do set up safe calls. In this way you can see if you have any physical chemistry at all. Return to your home and allow a minimum of 24 hours to come down! For the submissive they become psyched up and to some extent forced into space (for many but not all) due to the excitement and anxiety of meeting for the first time. This can make them make choices that are not well considered within the moment. By allowing a mandatory cooling off period they can usually regroup to clearly decide what they think. (This should mean no follow up phone calls or Internet contact during that period either.)
 Do not feel any obligation for further contact. You have no agreement with this person and should not be motivated to a continued contact due to feelings of shame, guilt or any other emotion of like kind. In addition you should ask for and receive references from the Dominant prior to agreeing to any meeting. These should include other submissives that this Dominant has been with locally (sometimes called a submissive network). A Dominant local to you with no references is either too new to have them or with problems that s/he is hiding from you. Both of these situations create a serious problem for you. A Dominant IS a reflection of their real life reputation. By having no reputation you are required to accept their word more. If this is so, ensure that you have additional information regarding this person prior to meeting them. Have them fax a current Drivers License to you, a copy of their Social Security card as well as current phone numbers for both home and work. No beepers!
 If they refuse then they are probably lying to you. The risk is almost all one-sided here. If they cannot give you a phone number that you can call at any time then they are probably living with someone who might be a spouse or significant other unaware of their activities. If they refuse to give you a work phone number then they may be lying about where they work, their real name etc. If they give you a beeper or cellular phone you have no way of discovering if they are being truthful about those same issues. You may still move forward to a meeting but if you do your risks are much higher and you should probably bring along a good friend as an accompaniment. Note: The presence of children in the home is not a good reason for non-release of a phone number! It is normal for adults to receive phone calls all the time that children have no reason to question!
 Each of these things present you with the largest opportunity of finding someone real, local with the potentials of a long term and viable relationship. Remember that the grass is not greener on the other side (or far away). If you live in a tiny or remote area you may need to travel further than my recommendation but look no further than the closest large city! Beyond that and your odds descend rapidly.

 http://www.albanypowerexchange.com/Ds/a_great_master.htm
A GREAT MASTER
 Let's begin with what my definition of a Master is: he is, of course, a dominant, and one with a number of years of experience in the lifestyle. He is knowledgeable about BDSM, but beyond that, he also cares about every aspect of his slave/submissive's life, which includes even the minutiae of her life; if it is important to her, it should be important to him. A Master has, in my opinion, a deeper commitment to his slave than just a dominant. The intimacy is deeper, the intensity of interaction is deeper, and the understanding is deeper; the feelings of control/submission is deeper in a Master/slave relationship than in a dom/sub relationship..
 I think the best Masters allow you to be yourself and value your unique qualities because of how they fit into and enhance the relationship you share. Masters "train" or "discipline" their submissives/slaves in how to serve their own pleasure, of course; that is part of what a D/s relationship is about, what a *power exchange* relationship is about. But they do not seek to put every submissive into the same mold. I think a great Master will seek to discover the real you inside, what gives you pleasure as you, in turn, serve his.
 A Master strives for the most open communication it is possible to have between two people and through that open communication, he seeks to develop the utmost bonding in terms of trust, respect and caring. And, in accomplishing this, the relationship as a whole is committed to growth, to both parties growing together and individually.
 The best Masters encourage their slaves in expanding their limits and yet they respect the abilities and interests and beliefs their slaves inherently possess. They don't push too hard, they don't set up their submissives to failure and they are reluctant to punish. Genuine Masters are patient in the extreme and value the opinions and honesty of their slaves. They are extraordinarily understanding, caring, perceptive and dedicated to the relationship.
 Masters are often perceived by long-time and new submissives as being "super human" in some respects; infallible and never vulnerable. But no one is perfect, of course. What separates a great Master from the rest is one who can admit to the occasional mistake, who can be just as open as he expects his slave/submissive to be and can always be counted on to communicate his own shortcomings. He should be able to laugh at himself and be totally open about his own limitations. Honesty in a Master in every respect is key, just as it is for a slave.
 A great Master will understand some failures and be willing to listen if an assigned task cannot be completed for a valid reason and punishment is not handed out as a matter of course. He is never abusive (physically or emotionally) and never takes advantage of his slave for any reason. He should explain and re-explain if it is necessary to reach an understanding and always be willing to listen when problems arise.
 I think that a Master should be a Mentor, a friend, a lover, a confidante, along with his dominance. To be in a Master/slave relationship to some people, means that the Master's word is "law" regardless of the submissive's personality, limits, health, or other considerations; this is simply not true. A Master values a strong and intelligent slave and treats her devotion and worship of him as he treats her submission... which, to me, is an exchange of gifts between the Master and slave (meaning the "gift" is hardly one-sided as some folks think).
 To put this essay in a personal light for a moment, I find nothing so consuming as being in this kind of relationship. However, it is a very serious commitment and shouldn't be taken lightly or without knowing what either of you is getting into. Even the smallest details must be discussed, and all questions by both the Master and the slave/submissive MUST be answered completely, with both of you listening carefully to the other. As a slave, I was able to discuss *anything* with the Master to whom I dedicated this Essay (Master Michael), and at the time I was enslaved to him, he knew me better than any other person in my life, including my best friends, my parents, my former husbands.
 He knew my fears, my needs, my desires, my limitations, my goals in life... everything that makes "me" me. He accepted me for what I am and sought to help me with problems (including but not limited to every day "real world" problems, my relationships and interactions with others close to me, my physical health and emotional "issues") and to work toward my own goals as well as serving him to the best of my ability at all times.
 The power of this relationship is within me today, and it enhances my life in more ways than I can put into words. The bond formed with this man was and IS "cosmic"; we were soulmates in the truest definition of that word. Though I am no longer enslaved to this man, we remain very close friends and I remain proud to have served him and been trained by him. It was, at the time, the most intimate, passionate relationship that I had ever had.. And I consider myself very fortunate to have been with this man as I learned more from him about myself and about the lifestyle (that, by the way, isn't a choice for me) than I have from anyone else (so far <wink>), collectively or individually.

SUBMISSIVE vs SLAVE
http://www.steel-door.com/Submissive_vs_Slave.html
This distinction appears muddled, misunderstood and generalized by a great number of the people that I converse with. First I would like to make a point. Language at it's best shifts from area to area. Within this one continent we have many variations or dialects of usage. This can be seen in terms like sweeper meaning vacuum cleaner etc. So, many words used within a community can mean different things to different people based on the 'age' of the person, their background and the common usage of the area they live in.
The submissive is a volunteer.
The slave is not a volunteer.
This is the core and substantial difference between the two terms. Within the BDSM community this can be interpreted in this way. The submissive individual may be lightly, moderately or heavily submissive. The submissive has a desire to submit to the direction of another person which in this community we call the Dominant or Top. Their submission may be quite limited in range, for example, they may only want and desire to release their submission in a limited fashion, for short amounts of time and within tightly confined arena's. This type of submissive will generally carry a long list of rules, boundaries, limits, requirements etc. which they require the Dominant to agree to prior to engaging their submissive aspect within the relationship. Other submissives will have a more moderate (this is the largest group) approach, a stronger desire to submit for longer periods of time with fewer restrictions, limitations and requirements. A small percentage of submissives will be heavily submissive. They desire and look for a full time partner to live with on a full time basis. Their nature is to seek to express their submission as often as possible with the fewest restrictions upon their chosen Dominant as possible. Generally their list of limitations, rules and requirements may be verbal, short and flexible.
Additionally there is the person that calls themselves submissive who prefers to seek out only casual contacts. This person is willing to submit only so far as to address their personal needs. Their orientation toward 'serving' the other person is almost nonexistent. They will have a list of personal needs and requirements and in large part do not care who fills them. These persons tend to be called the "DO ME" subs. In my opinion they are not submissives at all, not having the basic criteria of a 'desire to serve for the pleasure of another' that is the fundamental trait I identify as submissive and Dominant. For me personally, the 'do me sub' in my eyes is a vanilla person with a kink fetish desire.
There is one other category that needs to be mentioned here. This is the terminology of bottom and masochist. In general terms a bottom is not necessarily submissive but a person who enjoys scening from the bottom position. This bottom may or may not consider themselves to be a submissive, many consider themselves to be neither submissive nor Dominant but more accurately a switch. You will note that I do not consider a bottom to be a 'do me sub', their attitude, orientation and motivation are distinctly different. In my opinion they are usually very open and honest about the submissive aspect and by virtue of that fall into their own category. I have scened with many bottoms and found them to be excellent for demo's, workshops and to help out or assist where multiple persons are useful for the fulfillment of a scene. The masochist also plays in here, a masochist is a person that enjoys pain being inflicted upon them. They do not need to be submissive at all, (similar to a bottom). However, many submissives are strongly masochistic. The masochist also is sometimes called a 'pain slut', they generally are most similar to a bottom in clarifying their distinctions from the label or identification of submissive. This form of honesty is what in my opinion makes both of these choices valid.
The SLAVE ~
The slave is beyond the last level of the submissive. The slave vacates limits. To be a slave is to offer of self fully and without reservation. From my perspective very few individuals fall into this category. Those that do, that I know personally are generally with their Dominant for a very long period of time. Trust has been long ago established, limits and range discovered and a relationship of personal strength has emerged which allows the submissive to transcend to this level. This is a level without safewords, without limits. The slave lives with their Dominant on a full time basis and may or may not have a life external of serving their mate. The slave generally selects a Dominant with parallel limits. By this I mean that the final action of trust is the vacating of set limits. In order to do this the individual must fundamentally know that their partner shares the same 'natural' or 'inviolate' limits as they do. A Dominant has limits just like a submissive. That which falls within their natural range and desire is their arena.
Many people use the term 'slave' interchangeably with submissive. I myself enjoy calling my sub's 'slaves' because it thrills them. However, I know in truth that they are not slaves, they fall within the field of the submissive. A submissive without choice (limit's - safewords) becomes a slave. They have passed that final threshold of personal trust.
One final thing to really confuse things. I have a category which I call the 'Authentic Submissive', I also call these persons 'full out or true Submissives'. This is the submissive who is auto responsive. When in top space they can and may appear to be at any level of the submissive listed above. Upon entering sub-space they lose the ability to do anything but obey. This is an automatic response. They are unable to control the response. It has been my lifelong opinion that these submissives are the 'natural slaves', they have a capacity and range far exceeding the non-auto-responsive submissive. By the way, when I find one of these quite rare authentic submissives, I am instinctively very protective of them. They are the most vulnerable members of this community.
Ok, to address a few more misconceptions. There is sometimes rampant discussion on the who is real question. Any person who states that they are submissive, switch or Dominant should be taken at their word until through action, word or deed they demonstrate otherwise. Respect is not given by virtue of having any aspect but is earned or inspired by consistent action, word or deed. The amount, number, placement, design of brandings, piercings, tattoo's etc. can but do not necessarily identify any individual by virtue of in community status. These ornamentation's are used across the entirety of the community and can be seen upon any individual regardless of Dominant or submissive status. The easiest way to discover a person's placement within the community, be it through gender, sexual orientation, top, bottom, sideways etc... is to politely ask them. You can simply say, "What way would you prefer to be addressed?" This offers the individual the choice to tell you what they prefer so that you will not appear discourteous. By the way...courtesy is the key. You are not required to respect any unknown person. You are required to use common courtesy. Additionally, there is no right or wrong to being or believing yourself to be anything. It is not better to be one thing or the other and people should not be discriminated against for those choices they make. I offer common respect to all persons until and unless they take an action that I find disrespectful. At that point I generally elect to have no further converse with them.
One final note. There is what is loosely called a 'submissive network'. This network is a system which has existed probably since the origination of the SSC credo (safe, sane and consensual), wherein submissives within a community share information. This becomes important if you are a new person. A Dominant is only as good as the reputation they maintain within their local community. There are persons within this community who use the label Dominant, Top and even Sadist to cover their activities of non-consensual abuse. If you encounter someone who is abusive or breaks the SSC credo. Identify them in their local community. This is in real life. If you are a Dominant and you encounter a submissive who is unbalanced (mentally), by this I mean erratic, violent, abusive...share this information as neutrally as possible with the other Dominant's in your locale who may encounter this submissive. There are some persons who call themselves submissive who will turn after a scene and accuse the Dominant of abuse. Generally they have not dealt with prior, long term or life long experiences with abuse. You are not required to medically diagnose, just be open and honest. Submissives also live by their local reputation. When encountering or beginning a new relationship be honest about any occurrences which may reflect poorly on your reputation. Establishment of trust requires this. A Dominant may be accused of abuse and a submissive accused of being cracked or insane without substantiation. Imput the information and take the time to get to know the individual before making a judgment!

In which Franklin gets all Old Testament
on conduct in the dungeon
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdrules.html
 When thou dost come unto me and beseech me, saying, "Verily, do I request of you a good paddling," then surely I will grant unto thee a good paddling. During the period of the paddling, thou shalt not say unto me "What was that, a mosquito?", nor compare thy paddling to the flight of any other insect, or any creeping thing upon the earth, be it a moth, or a caterpillar; nor draw any likeness between the instrument of thy paddling and the feathers of the birds above; for surely shalt thy paddling grow mighty and endless, and welts shall be upon thy backside for four and thirty days.
 And in those days when thou art being flogged, thou shalt not giggle and wag thy ass in a taunting manner, nor squirm and attempt to escape when the flogging becomes greater for it, for then wilt thou be cast into bondage, so that thine ass will no longer be able to wiggle, nor shalt thou be able to squirm.
 Thou shalt not speak with thy mouth full, though moaning is okay.
 Neither shalt thou allow the passions of thy loins to reach the pinnacle of their fruition, save for those times when I commandeth thee; and in those times, thou shalt come with the force of a raging firestorm, with much screaming and wailing; for thy screams of ecstasy are pleasing to me.
 Thou shalt wear no clothing that is displeasing in my sight, nor place within thy pants back issues of National Geographic magazine, to protect thy backside from the force of my hand; for verily I will notice, and remove the magazine, and upon your backside shall I become medieval. So it is written.
 Thou shalt not take thy master's name in vain, nor forget thy master's title when asked. Thou shalt say "sir" or "maestro" when asked thy master's title. Thou shalt not say "buttercups," nor "sugarpants," nor even "bunnykins," nor refer to any other cute and cuddly beast that doth roam the earth. Neither shalt thou say "Oh yeah? Make me!" For truly will I then make you, and the bruises shall be on your bum like a plague of locusts unto Egypt.
 And speaking of Egypt, when the wetness doth issue from between thy thighs like the waters of the Nile, say not to me "Please, I do not want it," for verily shall I judge thy words to be falsehoods, and these words shall not be heard.

http://www.sensuoussadie.com/resources/newtobdsm.htm 
New to BDSM?
Not to worry - all of us started out in BDSM once, and you are in very good company! Here are some resources to get you on your way: BDSM: It stands for Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism. (the D & S in the middle there are used twice). AKA S&M, SM, S/M, D&S and so on. I always use the full formal "BDSM" because it is inclusive of the many different flavors of our lifestyle. 
BDSM Websites with good info for Novices: Albany Power Exchange (APeX)
www.albanypowerexchange.com
Frugal Domme
http://www.frugaldomme.com/ 
Mistress Steel: The Steel Door
http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html Submission
http://www.tiedmoments.com/submission/submission.htm  
Series of Sadie's Columns on Getting Started in BDSM
Where Do I Start?
Getting Involved in the BDSM Community
Exploring Relationship Options in BDSM
Getting up to Speed on the Technical Stuff of Dominance
OK I Have a Submissive … What the Heck Do I Do Now?
Protecting your Identity in the BDSM Scene
Play Party Series
I've Been Invited To A BDSM Play Party! Should I Go?
Public Play, Private Preference - Play Parties and that Whole Dilemma
What Every Novice Dominant Should Have In Their Bag-O-Toys
Fashion Series (Yes I know fashion isn't what BDSM is about, but it is one of the areas that people ask the most questions about regarding events)
Part I: Can't I Just Wear My Flannel Shirt? Why Fetish Wear is De Rigeur
Part II: Developing a Fetish Wardrobe on a Budget
Part III: Accessorizing for Pain & Pleasure
The Frugal Submissive (for Dominants too): Saving money on fashion, toys, dating and events
Other Resources
BDSM Groups in New England, Upstate New York and Montreal
BDSM Dictionary of Terms by Subaltern
Discussion groups just for Submissives, Dominants, and other mixed groups
Books for Beginners

http://www.evilmonk.org/A/constance05.cfm

Meet at the location you've chosen.  Do not give out your home phone or your address until you're at a point where you would be truly comfortable with that person in your home.  You ARE inviting them there if you give them enough information.  Caller ID, reverse directories, white pages, etc., all make us much less anonymous than we might choose.  When you leave an initial meeting, make sure you're not being followed.  If you have any doubts whatsoever, take a somewhat circuitous route home.  If you do believe you are being followed, go directly to the nearest police station.  If that isn't practical, go to a shopping center or a well-lit parking lot and call the police.  You needn't explain the details any more than to note that you were meeting someone you'd only known online.
Please be sure that someone knows who you're meeting and when and where and when you'll return.  Give someone you trust access to any files and emails that might deal with that person.  The Internet provides a certain amount of anonymity, but only a certain amount.  The person you trust with that information also needs to know enough about you to be able to contact you and then the authorities if you don't return when expected.  Your best friend from the Internet who lives on the other coast may have the best of intentions, but dealing with a missing friend from two time zones away is a difficult proposition.  Yet another reason to be active in a local community, or at least have contacts that are relatively close geographically.
I suggest making it clear that the first meeting is just that, a meeting, that there will be no play, that it will be a chance to talk, nothing more.  Obviously, if you're meeting someone several hundred miles away, that may color your expectations, but make sure that both parties understand that play is not a given, that you are either one free to decide that you do not wish to proceed to that level at that point in time.  Holding fast to that rule will often save you from mistakes.  Some people are very appealing on first contact, and later turn out not to be so appealing for whatever reason.  Abiding by that rule may well save you from doing something you might regret.  I also find that, by stating very clearly that the first meeting is no more than that, it allows both to concentrate more on the conversation, on the process of getting to know each other, as opposed to wondering about what happens next.  If things progress well, anticipation can be a very good thing.
Remember that if a dominant pushes you to play before you're ready, they're unlikely to respect your limits later on, and you'll be less able to effectively object if you're bound and gagged.  By the same token, if a submissive pushes you to play before you're ready as a dominant, it's likely this is someone who will be quite accomplished at manipulation and topping from the bottom.  Set the tone early, make it clear that you do, indeed, respect yourself and expect the same from others, as well, whether you're a dominant or a submissive.  A good dominant is not a bully and a good submissive is not a doormat.  The relationship is a partnership, regardless of how you agree to handle the power dynamics.
Male submissives often seem to forget that they are just as vulnerable as female submissives.  Men are not taught to be wary of their physical safety in the same way women are, to see the potential physical threat from others.   A man who is 6'4" and weighs 250lbs sometimes forgets that once he is bound, he is absolutely at the mercy of the other person.  Once he's allowed another to bind him, his size and strength advantage vanishes and he is utterly vulnerable.  It's wise to know the person you allow to put you in that position fairly well, for obvious reasons.
While I don't think this lifestyle attracts more than its fair share of untrustworthy people, the nature of what we do makes the potential for abuse, both physical and mental, particularly serious.  It's possible that the blind date that your sister sets up for you will turn out to be someone who lies to you about what he does for a living or how well he treats his mother, but the Dom/me who lies is a much more frightening proposition.
We all like to think that our instincts and ability to read others is infallible, that we would somehow KNOW that we were dealing with someone truly dangerous.  I would imagine that everyone who ever ended up buried in a field somewhere thought precisely the same thing, and while I have no desire to be overly dramatic, those tragedies DO happen.  You owe it to yourself to do everything reasonable to make sure they don't happen to you.
Don't forget that being a dominant does not make anyone immune to danger.  Recognize that caution is warranted in dealing with someone who is essentially a stranger.  If the person you're meeting is exactly what he claims to be, he will understand why you take precautions.  If he isn't what he claims, then it is especially important to take those precautions.  Don't allow yourself to be rushed into anything before you're ready and know the person you're playing with before you begin to play.  That's the best kind of safety to practice.

Constance    

Mistakes, Learning, and the Art of BDSM 
I was reminded today that the greatest opportunities we have is through failure. When we fail, there are always repercussions, but we know what we did wrong, and that will help us succeed in the future. Often we make the mistake of thinking the world will end when we fail. But to tell the truth, many of our most successful entrepreneurs had long histories of failure, before succeeding. Success and failure are related to each other, much in the same way that light and dark are. This we would do well to remember in all our endeavors.
But, I digress. How this relates to me personally and BDSM in particular comes from the failures I have had in the past with relationships with others. I have failed to be a good Dom in the past. I have failed to follow up on actions I have promised. I have failed to know what expectations submissives have. With each failure though, I learned something. I learned to manage the information flow so I read each and every email that comes in, not have a journal that I look at periodically. That isn’t how I work. I learned the importance of a collar in a relationship, by not bringing one to my first slave. I learned, and I grew.
But each time I failed, there were prices to be paid. I lost relationships with people, hell I hurt people. But the world did not come crashing to an end. I survived, and frankly I got to be a much better Master because of the failures I have experienced in the past. That is truth.
What failures have you had? Did they make you a better Dominant? A better person? Or did you succumb to failure? Did you wallow in self pity? Let me know, in the comment

Listen & Trust Your InstinctsThis is our number one advice! You know how far you want to go. Never push your own or your lovers limits in a BDSM scene.
Agree on Safe Words Using safe-words to control or stop a "scene" is essential advice. Honour BDSM safe words absolutely - it's the only way to ensure the physical and emotional safety of the submissive player. Safe words shouldnt be any words that you might use during your game - using words such as "Stop" "No" or "Please" are NOT good BDSM safe words. A common set of BDSM safe words are: "YELLOW" which means "Ease Up - I'm not ready to stop but am feeling a bit unsafe" and "RED" which means "Stop now".
Good communication is crucial! Honesty is the best policy is good advice, and never truer than in a BDSM scene. Any BDSM scene based on power can resurrect buried feelings in a partner who might have been abused or even raped. It's important to communicate any no-go areas and it's vital that boundaries are agreed upon before the a BDSM scene commences.
Physical Safety Advice - Tying UP Never restrict your submissive's nose AND mouth within a BDSM scene Never tie your submissive face down on soft furnishing. Never leave your submissive tied-up alone. This is basic safety advice to ensure your submissive can breath.
Physical Safety Advice - Extremities Check regularly throughout the BDSM scene that extremities such as toes and fingers are not numb or cold as these are signs that blood has stopped flowing to the area and its time to untie.
Physical Safety Advice - Use Wide Bonds Wide, strong bonds like proper Wrist Cuffs and Ankle Cuffs Silk scarves may seem less threatening but they can tighten in the throws of a BDSM game, without anyone noticing and can cause pinched nerves, even permanent nerve damage.
Get Informed & Inspired! Get informed!! There are plenty of great BDSM BOOKS that tell you how to keep your BDSM scene safe. The internet too is a great resource for BDSM advice and ideas to keep your BDSM play both hot AND safe.

So, how to learn your chosen role, whether dom, sub or switch... reading, talking, experimenting, listening, and playing about. The only things to say end up being: be willing to explore... try things even if you think you may not like them, many things end up surprising. The more important thing of course is to be true to yourself, you are the only one who has to live with the person in the mirror. Follow your heart and your head, for the path is most clear when they are in alignment. The only right way to participate in BDSM is your own way, and the only one who can determine that is you.
It is most definitely ok for you to learn your own way in BDSM, to try out every role: top, bottom, dom, sub, slave, switch, etc. Let no one tell you that there is only one way, or that they have all the answers. No one has all the answers. Some will tell you that the true way is this or that or somesuch, and if you want to take this or that role you must do somesuch. Just nod, smile politely, listen - for there will probably be some good ideas in what they say, and then go off on your own to reflect and see what, if anything, of what was said resonates within you.

•        The right to set limits
•        The right to be treated fairly
•        The right to fair punishment
•        The right to be heard
•        The right to be respected
•        The right to feel protected
•        The right to feel safe
•        The right to feel cherished
•        The right to feel appreciated
  
  http://www.angelfire.com/ego/torandark/expectations.html

Info for Outsiders
http://bdsmrealities.com/real.htm 
  If you do not have a solid understanding of BDSM, you should refrain from judgment of BDSM and its participants. BDSM is not abuse or misogyny. Things are often not what they seem; BDSM is a theatrical art. Simple minded rules have been replaced by much more complex rules which better approximate reality.
  There are many different subcultures; the actions of one subculture or individual may not be indicative of the larger BDSM subculture. Fantasy materials typically omit the safeguards which are important for real life scenes. You will note that a substantial portion of this page is devoted to safety. There is also a section on feminism.
  The relationship between pleasure and pain is much more complicated than most people realize and varies from individual to individual and can vary over time for a given individual. Any given BDSM players often do not engage in many of the practices described here. The psychological professions are largely ignorant of what it is we do; until recently, the DSM incorrectly classified BDSM as a mental illness. Many other forms of recreation involve substantial risk: skydiving, rock climbing, mountain climbing, caving, motorcycle racing, scuba diving, camping, and hang gliding. Many other forms involve pain and discomfort: hiking, martial arts, working out at the gym. No risk, no pain, no gain.
  Many plain vanilla sexual (and non sexual) activities have BDSM undertones. By exploring near the boundaries many BDSM players expand their knowledge of human sexuality, psychology, and physiology. If you are not willing to invest the enormous amount of time and effort necessary to achieve similar levels of understanding and to understand what it is we do, that is fine; but don't presume you are qualified to judge those who do.

  TOPPING TIPS--hints, tricks and more
http://www.fetishexchange.org/good-top1.shtml
  When first getting into the scene, it can often be somewhat intimidating to try playing with SM, especially if neither of you have done it before. Here's this wonderful person, who wants you to dominate them. You tie them up, and they're helpless, wriggling with anticipation and lust... and now what do you do?
  Play with them! There are all kinds of common objects that produce intense and enjoyable sensations when applied to a helpless lover. Combs for dragging across the skin, feathers for tickling a frantic foot, clothespins (use a couple or use many in artistic rows--these can be as intense as you want to make them!), ice cubes, chocolate syrup, strawberries (ever see 9 1/2 Weeks?), leather belts for slapping or spanking, hairbrushes for scuffing or beating, and of course your own fingers, mouth, genitals, and everything else. Enjoy taking your time with your willing victim; drive them to distraction, then bring them to the edge of ecstasy, then back off and make them beg for more!
  Remember, you can set the mood as you wish. You can be playful, amused at your own ineptitude even while your bottom is moaning with desire. You can be stern and commanding, sympathetic but nasty, jolly yet sadistic--anything you please. As long as you focus your attention on your bottom, your bottom will have a great time! Relax, go with the flow, and if you stop enjoying it, call safeword--tops can use safewords too.
  Of course, there's no need to feel like you need to put all your attention into pleasing your bottom; what's a good slave for if not for pleasing their master? I've several times played with my girlfriend and used her for my own selfish pleasure, giving little attention to hers--and she loved it! But there is no doubt that with pleasure it is as good to give as to receive. Just remember, communicate, be sensitive to what your bottom is feeling, and you'll have no problem.
  The one thing that is quite important to remember as a top is that you are responsible for your bottom. As you begin playing with S&M, you may well be placing your bottom in situations in which he or she is physically helpless and/or emotionally vulnerable. It is important that you recognize they are placing a great deal of trust in you, and in your ability to handle any situations that may come up. If you're in the middle of a hot scene, and suddenly someone unexpectedly bangs on the door, you may both be startled and shocked--but your bottom will be immediately looking to you for protection. If something happens that you didn't expect, take care of your bottom _first_--reassure them that you're not going to let anything happen to them, and then deal with the problem calmly and sensitively.
  And don't be limited by preconceptions of what you "ought" to be doing, or worries about how you're not topping "correctly." If you start to feel pressured or insecure, take a step back, and ask yourself what _you_ want out of the scene. Sometimes, when I've been bottoming for my girlfriend, she hasn't been in the mood to play with me sexually--so she made me her slave and commanded me to... bathe her and wash her! This was lots of relaxed fun for both of us, and it let her unwind enough to keep playing the way _she_ wanted to play. Be honest, not only with your bottom, but with yourself. And if you are in the middle of a scene, and suddenly your honesty says "I don't want to be doing this" or "I don't know what my partner wants, or even what I want," then by all means stop the scene--gracefully if possible. Better that than for the scene to drag on until both of you are sick of it.
  If you still don't have any ideas, and if your bottom is really hot to trot, you can always start playing with your bottom and getting them excited in whatever way you know how, and demand that they tell you a fantasy of theirs, or you'll stop. Talking dirty to each other--trading hot fantasies, knowing that you can make then happen if you want to--is the best way I know of getting ideas for scenes. This actually goes for ALL sexual play, whether it involves S&M or not!

Common Lifestyle Symbols

BDSM Emblem

The BDSM emblem has no "obvious" symbolism because it was created to be enigmatic. To the vanilla observer who would be put off by BDSM, it is merely an attractive piece of jewelry. Thus, we can wear it freely as a friendly salute, nod, and wink to other BDSMers we should happen to pass on the sidewalks and in the hallways of our daily lives.
  To the insider, however, the Emblem is full of meaning.
  The three divisions represent the various threesomes of BDSM. First of all, the three divisions of BDSM itself: B&D, D&S, and S&M. Secondly, the three-way creed of BDSM behavior: Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Thirdly, the three divisions of our community: Tops, Bottoms, and Switches.
  It is this third symbolism that gives meaning to the holes in each unit. Since BDSM is at the very least a play style and at its greatest a love style, the holes represent the incompleteness of any individual within the BDSM context. However "together" and "whole" individuals may be, there remains a void within them that can only be filled by a complimentary other. BDSM cannot be done alone.
  The resemblance to a three-way variation on the Yin-Yang symbol is not accidental. As the curved outline of Yin and Yang represent the hazy border between where one ends and the other begins, so do the curved borders here represent the indistinct divisions between B&D, D&S, and S&M.
  The metal and metallic color of the medallion represents the chains or irons of BDSM servitude/ownership. The three inner fields are black, representing a celebration of the controlled dark side of BDSM sexuality.
  The curved lines themselves can be seen as a stylized depiction of a lash as it swings, or even an arm in motion to deliver an erotic spanking. The all-embracing circle, of course, represents the overlying unity of it all and the oneness of a community that protects its own.

Safety http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM
  A rendered model is bound in traditional handcuffs.Aside from the general advice related to safer sex, BDSM sessions often require a much wider array of safety precautions than typical vanilla sex (sexual behavior without BDSM elements). To keep all acts within the framework agreed upon by all participants, a commonly accepted set of rules and safety measures has emerged within the BDSM community.
  To ensure consensus related to BDSM activity, pre-play negotiations are commonplace, especially among partners who do not know each other very well. These negotiations concern the interests and fantasies of each partner and establish a framework. This kind of discussion is a typical "unique selling proposition" of BDSM sessions and quite commonplace. Additionally, safewords are often arranged to provide for an immediate stop of any activity if any participant should so desire.
  Quick and reliable response to safewords is an imperative for safe BDSM. In case of voice constraints of the bottom, eye contact or hand signs might be the only means of communication and are therefore of very high importance for safety.
  Practical safety aspects are of tremendous importance. It is highly important during bondage sessions to understand which parts of the human body have a risk of damage to nerves and blood vessels by contusion or have a high risk of scar development. Using crops, whips or floggers, the top's fine motor skills and anatomical knowledge can make the difference between a satisfying session for the bottom and a highly unpleasant experience, possibly including severe physical harm. The very broad range of different BDSM "toys" and physical and psychological control techniques often requires a far-reaching knowledge of details related to the requirements of the individual session, such as anatomy, physics, and psychology.
  It is necessary to be able to identify a bottom's psychological "freakouts" in advance in order to avoid it. Such losses of emotional balance due to sensory or emotional overload are the most common SM emergency. It is extremely important to follow his or her reactions empathetically and continue or stop accordingly.

22 Guaranteed Ways To Destroy A Relationship
http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/drbirch22ways.htm
Relationships are often hard to maintain, even when two people profess undying love for each other. A major problem in a relationship is that one or both partners continue to make the same errors but then cannot understand why the relationship is in trouble. It is almost as though they are determined to do things their way, even at the risk of damaging a good thing. 
  In my clinical practice, I have discovered at least 22 errors in thinking and communicating that people make, which if repeated, have the potential of destroying a relationship. Which of the following errors are you making?
 1. Rigidly maintain that you are always right, even when you do not have all the facts!
2. Never apologize, even when you are proven wrong beyond a shadow of a doubt!
3. Be relentless in rubbing it in when you are proven right!
4. Dogmatically maintain that you know your partner's motives better than he or she does!
5. Assume that your partner should understand your needs and should respond immediately without being asked!
6. Totally ignore your partner's priorities and insist on your own!
7. Operate on the assumption that your partner's sexual need cycle is identical to yours!
8. Add deep psychological meaning to your partner's sexual disinterest, and take it very personally!
9. Do not ever admit hurt, but go immediately to the expression of anger!
10. Identify your partner's character flaws and family secrets and use them to make a point when logic fails!
11. Use guilt to manipulate, to get your own way or to punish!
12. Become proficient at catching your partner being bad, but do not ever comment if you catch him or her being good!
13. Cut no slack, yield no ground and push your argument until your partner walks out the door... then follow the coward!
14. Do not let go of the past, rehashing your version of it as often as possible!
15. Cling very very tightly, claiming that you will surly die if you are ignored!
16. If you are not a clinger, then stay emotionally/physically distant, and show no signs that you really care for your partner!
17. Make promises, but never keep them!
18. Be factious so you partner never knows when you are being serious!
19. Always make excuses for your bad habits!
20. Insist that what you have to say is always more important that what your partner is saying, so interrupt!
21. Pretend that you understand what you partner has said, even if you have no idea of the point that was being made!
22. Act as though you do none of the above and it is your partner who must make all the changes!

bdsm lifestyle, slavery, slave, Master, submissive, submission http://www.bestslavetraining.com/choicedecision.htm
"Choice decision"  Definition as used in B.E.S.T. slave training :   A slave at some point in training, makes a decision to allow her Master to own her choices.   In other words, she makes a "choice decision."    
  Behavior is based upon choices.  What choices a person makes in life determines what actions they take.  Owning a slaves choices is owning her behavior and actions. The feeling of helplessness to control and change her own behavior is important in slave training.  Owning a slave's choices instills a feeling of helplessness to control her own behavior.  
  This is not always an easy decision for a slave to make and is directly related to the trust she feels in her Master.   A Master may not make every choice for a slave but any he does make must be obeyed.    She may have an influence on his final decision by offering advice, but she is bound by his final decision.  In other words, in any area of her life that he wishes, he can make  the choice as to how she behaves  and she is obligated by her slavery to obeys. 
  When a slave makes a  "Choice Decision" it mean her Master owns, controls, and can change or modify her behavior.  Slavery does not exist without her granting her choices to her Master.  
  In early training, the goal of the “choice decision” theory is to change the slave's behavior, adapted from "Reality Therapy is Action” by William Glasser, MD copyright 2000, HarperCollins Publishers)

Animal roleplay (also called petplay, ponyplay, ponyism or pup-play)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_animal_roleplay
is a form of erotic sexual role-play where one or more of the participants takes on the role of a real or imaginary animal in character, including appropriate mannerisms and behavior, and sometimes a partner will act as another animal, or, in a sexual context, may take the role of rider, trainer, or caretaker (or even breeding partner).
  The principal theme of animal roleplay is usually the voluntary or involuntary reduction (or transformation) of a human being to animal status, and focus on the altered mind-space created. The most common examples are probably () (pup, dog, wolf), felines (cat, kitten, lion) or equines (pony, horse). Human-animal roleplay is also used in a BDSM context, where one person may be a 'slave', treated or used as an animal by their Mistress/Master.
  Non-sexual animal roleplay was common in many tribal cultures, such as Native American culture and prehistory, where therianthropic play formed an important part of their rituals. In this case the animal was usually either one that was revered spiritually, or one that was hunted. It is also used in physical education especially with children, as an enjoyable way to encourage certain exercises. In psychodrama, animal roleplay may be used for a person to explore their personality, as a form of role reversal.
  The origins of animal roleplay and petplay are probably various and diverse, again depending upon the participants involved. However, its origins are certainly influenced by costuming, fiction, myth and legend, roleplay and psychodrama in their various aspects.
  Cultural and ritual use Non-sexual animal roleplay, or therianthropy, was a common and integral part of ritual in many tribal cultures both in recent and likely prehistoric times, where a member (or members) of the tribe would take the role physically and often spiritually, of an animal that was either revered, or hunted. Examples of the former include many of the American Indian tribes and Arctic native peoples, examples are evidenced by cave paintings. In 1911 Julia Tuell photographed the last Animal Dance ("Massaum") performed by the Northern Cheyenne of Montana.
  It is also sometimes used in education, especially physical education, as an enjoyable way to encourage people to exercise the body in unusual ways, by mimicking various animals.
Erotic use
  Like much of erotic play and roleplay, animal roleplay in an erotic or relational context is entirely defined by the people involved and by their mood and interests at the time of play. It ranges from the simple imitation of a vocal whinnying of a horse to the barking, panting or playful nudging of a puppy, or playful behaviour of a kitten, to crawling around on all fours and being fed, or petted, by hand. (In the latter instance, its motives may be similar to those of ageplay, ie taking on a role that one feels spiritually appropriate or which allows for nurturing, and a change from usual roles in everyday life). To the greater extremes of dressing up as a pony in modified horse tack, masks, prosthetics and temporary bondage based body modification (such as binding the forearms to the upperarms and/or the calves to the thighs).
  Public participation in human animal roleplay is varied. A couple could inconspicuously role-play a silly but loving pet play scene in public, but it would look like one partner is merely stroking the other's neck innocently to the casual observer. In the case of many convention-going furries and some BDSM fetishists, one partner may wear a dog collar with a leash attached.
  The reasons for playing such a character or animal can vary as much as the actual physical manifestations and intensity of the play. Some people enjoy being able to "cut loose" into a different, or more dynamic personality (eg, Were-creatures or Catgirls; see other variations). In some cases, pet play is seen as a loving, quiet cuddling time where there is no need for verbalizations and the simple act of stroking, rubbing and holding the other partner is satisfying or reassuring in and of itself for those involved. For others, there may be a spiritual side to it. Some feel closer to their animal totem, while others may identify with something akin to a deeper side or part of their own psyche (see: Therianthropy). For still others, there is the experience of power exchange setup in a context or structure which they can accept. Clearly, again, it depends on the people involved and what they bring to it or take from it.
  Additionally, some cases could be considered a type of animal transformation fantasy. They can have strong elements of exhibitionism, be totally enjoyed in the privacy of the home, or lie somewhere between either boundary. While not widespread, erotic human-animal roleplay is still enjoyed by a sizeable number of people. However, it is still primarily identified with BDSM practice, or as being associated with furry or other alternative lifestyle activities.
  For a majority of participants, it has no connection whatsoever with zoophilia or bestiality, which are controversial and would usually be considered edgeplay in BDSM circles.
Other considerations
It should be pointed out that each type of play can focus on a certain "strength" of an animal character. Pony play often involves the practice and training that a horse owner or trainer would put their horse through to learn how to walk, canter, etc, as modified for human limbs. Puppy play often can involve BDSM related discipline. Cow Play often involves fantasies of lactation and impregnation. The usual limits of safe, sane and consensual apply to roleplay as much as any other activity between humans who accept and respect their partner's interests and limits. For most, this does not include bestiality.
  Note: Just because one partner is playing the "pet" does not necessarily make them the passive or submissive play partner in the scene. For example, if the form of pet play is for the meek and timid wife to "transform" into a werewolf or mischievous anime catgirl, she may take the upper hand and dominate the partner. Again, how the play is interpreted is entirely up to the people involved.
  Some people believe that they have certain animal 'instincts' and through animal roleplay can let them out. This is especially true in the BDSM communities, where some people 'live' as their chosen animal 24/7. This type of mentality goes beyond roleplay and becomes a full lifestyle for the parties involved. There are also 'hybrids'. These are humans who live part time as one type of animal, and part time as another. This is usually determined by the situation.
  There seems to be a growing trend among the BDSM scene in animal roleplay, especially pup and kitten play. Playing the role of a pup or kitten is one of giving over complete control over to another, while the 'Master or Handler' expects only unconditional love and obedience from his/her animal.
Variations
BDSM ponyplay
  Ponyplay is sometimes referred to as "The Aristotelian Perversion," in reference to legend that Aristotle had a penchant for being ridden like a horse. Ponies (people involved in ponyplay) generally divide themselves to three groups although some will participate in two or perhaps all three:
Cart ponies: ponies who pull a sulky with their owner.
Riding ponies: ponies who are ridden, either on all fours or on two legs, with the "rider" on the shoulders of the "pony" (also known as Shoulder riding). Note that a human back is generally not strong enough to take the weight of another adult without risk of injury, so four-legged "riding" is generally symbolic, with the "rider" taking most of their weight on their own legs.
Show ponies: ponies who show off their dressage skills and often wear elaborate harnessess, plumes and so on.
  A documentary film Pony Passion was produced by British pony play club De Ferre in 2003 showing their club's activities and Born in a Barn, a 2005 documentary film, depicted the lives of several ponyplay enthusiasts.
BDSM pup-play 
 Pup play or dog play is sometimes (though not always) associated with leather culture. at least one of the participants acts out () mannerisms and behaviors, or simply imagines such behaviors or identities, and attempts to assume the mental state of a dog. Pup-play does not require any involvement with bestiality. The dominant role is taken by a "Handler," "Trainer," or a "Master." The submissive may be called a "pup," a "dog," a "stray," or in the case of a more aggressive or dominant participant that still identifies as a dog, an "alpha." In the pup-play community, biological () are referred to as () to differentiate between them and human role players (the pup, dog, or alpha). Pup play is more about being a playful, goofy being on all fours who shows his/her Master their love and devotion. Instinct also plays a big role in pup play.
BDSM kitten-play
  Similar to the above, but the bottom assumes the less serious role of a pet that keeps some independence and - as part of the fantasy - might retaliate against the partner trying to tame him/her. Kitten play is less well known than Pony or Puppy play, although with recent years is growing in popularity.

Some Conceptions and Misconceptions
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8153072/BDSM-SomeConceptionsandMisconceptions?autodown=doc
I've seen many things on IRC that do not fit into anything I've learned in real life. Although some are relatively harmless, they do add to the confusion of what is expected of new submissives in a real-life situation, as well as online. These are only a few of the more obvious ones.

1.      Kneeling at a Dominant's Feet It is my experience that kneeling does not come into play until a submissive is under the protection or care of a Dominant. Kneeling is an outward sign of submission and respect and should not be taken lightly. It signifies a relationship between the submissive and Dominant and without some sort of interaction between them, kneeling is not expected and shouldn't be done. Online I've seen totally unknown submissives kneel before every Dominant on the channel and addressed each as Master or Mistress. I have wondered where this practice began and have reached the conclusion that it's done by those who have little or no real life experience. I think too many submissives get their ideas from the "Beauty" books or from visiting the land of Gor. While these books and channels can be amusing, they are NOT the basis for a realistic D/s relationship. There are many positions that submissives take when kneeling before their Master/Mistress. The Dominant will teach His/Her submissive what is most pleasing to them.

2.      Using the term "Master/ Mistress" Again, this should not be taken lightly and is very much overplayed online. A Dominant is not your Master or Mistress until there is an agreement made between the two of you and an exchange of power has taken place. The more appropriate term "Sir/Ma'am" should be used until you have truly given control of yourself to this person. You might gain a better understanding of the correct use of these terms after reading the discussion held in #Ithaka_Bound by Master John.

3.      Taking your place with your Dominant. Once ownership has been established, submissives are expected to take their specified place when in the presence of their Dominant. Dominants have their own preferences and standards, and it's the duty of the Dominant to make sure His/Her submissive knows what is expected. One thing I've noticed online that I've not seen in real life is the practice of a female submissive "hopping in Master's lap." It seems to be quite commonplace online but is a rarity in a realistic situation. Most submissives sit near or at the Dominant's feet, either on the floor or on a low stool provided for them. Some remain in a relaxed kneeling position at their owner's feet in some social situations where sitting on the floor may not be advisable. If the Dominant wishes to have His submissive on His lap, He will direct her to do so. She is not to ask for this pleasure or assume it on her own, but is to accept what His preferences are at the time.

Stigma & Truth
some dangerous myths exploded
http://www.fetishexchange.org/stigma.shtml
  There are all sorts of knockdowns on the subject of erotic power exchange around, all of them often used by legislators as well as others who oppose erotic power exchange. All of these are based on assumed psychological or psychiatric "knowledge" or "facts." The fact of the matter is that none of these are actually true or proven. We've collected the most common ones around and compared them with the real facts.
  "Once you start, you will want more and more"
  This is what pseudo-experts will introduce as the "stepping stone theory." In other words, once you have tasted the effects of, for example, pain, you will want more and more of it and it will end in excessive behavior and addiction. In fact there is no stepping stone theory (the term originates from research into the causes of drug-addiction in the late 1960's) as far as erotic power exchange is concerned. Fact number two is this. Like almost anything about erotic power exchange, there has never been serious and published scientific research on this subject. Next, all research commonly referred to as being about EPE has been research done in individual cases or extremely small groups. Any conclusions, based on this research, are not valid for the entire group. Research has predominantly been done by psychiatrists and psychologists - into cases that all relate to direct questions for help or significant health-related problems. And the objective of almost all these articles is to promote the therapy of that particular therapist. General sociological research in the area of erotic power exchange is rare and, if available, has been done predominantly in the gay community. Fact number three is that the reality of erotic power exchange shows an entirely different picture. People that are into erotic power exchange will usually start to experiment with it and in this experimental phase will usually want to explore all possibilities. As time progresses their emotions will settle down, pieces of the puzzle will fall into place and their wants and needs - once explored and identified - will settle down to the level that usually corresponds with the fantasies people originally had.
  "The need to go into power exchange always hides a traumatic experience"
  This knockdown is based on Freud who, as we all know, tried to explore the relationship between all sorts of human behavior - not only the sexual behavior - and (early) childhood experiences. His method is called psycho-analysis and in modern psychology is considered outdated. And it is becoming increasingly clear that Freud was predominantly using his "research" with the objective to find a partner, not with the goal to do any serious scientific research. Although it is a fact that some people who are into erotic power exchange have a history of abuse or childhood trauma, a general connection has never been established. What may be true in individual cases most certainly is not true as a general argument. What research did establish is that there are no significant differences between the number of people with a traumatic youth in the BDSM-community than there is in any other group. More recent research points to both genetic influences as well as to a creative and inquisitive mindset as factors that may be of influence to the development of erotic power exchange feelings and emotions. However, this research is far from finalized and in fact again is only limited to individual cases, like most of the scientific research done in this area. Another - relatively new - area that may play a role is the influence of endorphins. Endorphins are hormones, natural opiates, produced by the body and commonly known as "emotion" amino acids. Different mixtures of different types of endorphins will create different emotions. Some of these mixtures are created as a result of fear, stress and pain. What role they play when it comes to the development of erotic power exchange emotions is yet unknown.
  "The need for power exchange points to a stern upbringing"
  Again a "semi-Freudian" misconception and based on one case of one man, researched and published about by Freud. The fact of the matter is that most of the people that are into erotic power exchange have had a perfectly normal youth and upbringing and the majority come from families where sexuality was a subject that could be discussed freely and openly. Again there may be individual cases where people had a stern - or sometimes very religious - upbringing but whether or not there are any connections between upbringing and erotic power exchange emotions in general is yet to be determined and probably very unlikely as far as the development of the emotions as such is concerned.
  "People into erotic power exchange can not find full sexual satisfaction in other ways"
  People that are into erotic power exchange will usually consider their feelings and emotions important and will identify erotic power exchange as a lifestyle, but that does not mean they have a compulsive need. The lack of compulsive behavior in fact is what separates erotic power exchange from sadists and masochists. In fact in many cases people will identify their erotic power exchange emotions as entirely different than sexual emotions or - for example - an orgasm.
  "Dominant men are just male chauvinists"
  The fact of the matter is that the majority of dominant men are very caring, loving and open people. The position of the dominant man in erotic power exchange requires a lot of understanding, caring, trust and most of all a great interest in the wants and needs and emotions of his submissive partner. What to the outsider may seem a very strict, direct, powerful and maybe sometimes somewhat aggressive looking macho man in fact is only role play, using symbols and role behavior but underneath is a very caring person. The average submissive partner, when asked, will usually describe the dom as understanding - generally knowing more about his submissive partner than she does (or did) herself - supportive, careful, loving and protective.
  "Submissive women betray the movement for womens' rights"
  Being submissive and allowing these emotions to come out is a very self-confident statement and decision as well as a difficult and scary process. Submissive women are usually very self aware and are making very conscious decisions about their submissiveness. They are anything but "doormats" and have - generally speaking - gone through a long process of identifying and accepting themselves as well as their submissive feelings and emotions. Just as dominant erotic behavior is not an indication of general dominance, neither is submissiveness an indication that the women will display submissiveness in every day life. Usually they will be anything but submissive, although it is a fact that as long as submissive emotions have not settled down, submissive women sometimes may have trouble separating some of their submissive feelings from other things. The agurment itself originates from hardline feminist activists that - predominantly out of fear for unwanted influence - try to seperate women from other opinions than the ones such activists have.
  "People who are dominant in every day life are submissive in bed and vice versa"
  Sexual/erotic behavior is usually not an indication for any other form of social behavior, neither are there any proven links between the two. Dominants can have both dominant as well as non-dominant positions in every day life and the same goes for submissives. A female executive can be submissive in the bedroom, a male nurse can be dominant. The above statement is a classic example of stereotyping, mainly based on pornography and stories from prostitutes who - through indicating they have "socially important customers" - in fact try to market their profession and often use arguments like these in a rather naive effort to gain more social acceptance and respect for their trade.
  "Erotic power exchange is dangerous"
  There are all sorts of stories around about accidents, that happened during erotic power exchange sessions. The most "famous" one around is the story about the man who - after cuffing his wife to the bed - climbed the nearest cupboard in an effort to jump on her, broke his legs and the couple had to wait for two days before help arrived. This story - like many others - is around in almost all countries and - like all others - is a tall story. Of course, anything one does without sufficient knowledge can be risky or even dangerous. The truth of the matter is that safe, sane, voluntary and informed consentual erotic power exchange is perfectly safe, provided people know what they are doing.

10 Ways to Begin Taking Control with Positive Thinking. http://emotionaltrauma.org/
At first glance, it would seem that positive thinking and Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) have nothing to do with one another. But many of us with ADD develop negative thinking patterns because we become frustrated by our challenges and frequent feelings of being overwhelmed. This negative outlook then makes it even harder for us to manage those challenges and move forward.
  Practicing positive thinking allows people with ADD to focus on our strengths and accomplishments, which increases happiness and motivation. It will help in better using your time to work on making progress, rather than feeling discouraged and helpless. The following tips provide practical suggestions that you can use to help you shift into more positive thinking patterns :
  1. Remember there is only ONE of YOU, so taking good care of yourself is first and foremost.
  When you take good care of yourself by eating healthy, exercising and getting adequate rest, it is much easier to be positive.
  2. Remind Yourself of the Things You Are Grateful For
  Stresses and challenges don’t seem quite as bad when you are constantly reminding yourself of the things that are good in life. Taking just 60 seconds a day to stop and appreciate the good things will make a huge difference. 
  3. Look for the Proof Instead of Making Assumptions
  A fear of not being liked or accepted sometimes leads us to assume that we know what others are thinking, but our fears are usually not reality. If you have a fear that a friend or family member’s bad mood is due to something you did, or that your co-workers are secretly gossiping about you when you turn your back, speak up and ask them. Don’t waste time worrying that you did something wrong unless you have proof that there is something to worry about.
  4. You Should Not Use Absolutes
  Words like, ’ALWAYS’ or ’NEVER’ when used in a negative descriptive way, such as: “You NEVER call me any more” will only increase the negative experience. Thinking and speaking absolutes in this way will only work to make the situation seem worse than it really is, and will cause you to believe something about others that very well may not be true.
  5. Get Rid of ALL Negative Thoughts that cause Anxiety
  Your thoughts can hold power over you if you don’t judge them. When a negative thought begins to invade your thinking, you need to recognize it right away as a negative influence, immediately change your thinking by turning it around to something that will make you stronger and happier.
  6. Squash the “ANTs”
  In his book “Change Your Brain, Change Your Life,” Dr. Daniel Amen talks about “ANTs” - Automatic Negative Thoughts.
  These are the bad thoughts that are usually reactionary, like “Those people are laughing, they must be talking about me” or “The boss wants to see me, it must be bad”! Begin to recognize these ANTs for what they really are, and then stomp down on them!
  7. Practice Lovin’, Touchin” & Squeezin” (Your Friends and Family)
  Giving and receiving a good hug can go along way in making your day better. Positive physical contact with friends, loved ones, and even pets, is an instant pick-me-up. There was a research study conducted, in which a waitress was told to gently touch some of her customers on the arm as she gave them their checks. She received higher tips from these customers than from the ones she didn’t touch!
  8. Be Involved with Some Sort of Social Activity
  By increasing social activity, you will decrease loneliness. Surround yourself with healthy, happy people, and their positive energy will affect you in a positive way.
  9. Be Involved with Helping Other People or Volunteer in an Organization
  Everyone feels good after helping. There are several ways to do this, you can volunteer your time, resources or money. You may have heard it said, ’Give and it shall be given’, this is a true saying and the more positive energy you put in the world, the more you will get back.
  10. Have a New Thought Pattern to Fight Against Depressing Thoughts.
  A great way to stop thinking unconstructive thoughts is to interrupt the pattern by forcing yourself to begin thinking and doing something completely different. Recognize old thought patterns that may be hyper-focusing on something negative. It’s never productive, because it’s not rational or solution-oriented, it’s just excessive worry. You can change what your thinking by doing something different, like going for a walk outdoors. You could also call a friend, pick up a book, or turn on some music.
  Find sayings, scripture verses or quotes that will help motivate you to remain positive in your thinking, the following are some of my favorites: Oprah Winfrey - “Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another steppingstone to greatness.” A Swedish Proverb - “Fear less, hope more; Eat less, chew more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Love more, and all good things will be yours”

Psychological trauma
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia                    
  Psychological trauma is a type of damage to the psyche that occurs as a result of a traumatic event. When that trauma leads to posttraumatic stress disorder, damage may involve physical changes inside the brain and to brain chemistry, which affect the person's ability to cope with stress.
  A traumatic event involves a single experience, or an enduring or repeating event or events, that completely overwhelm the individual's ability to cope or integrate the ideas and emotions involved with that experience. The sense of being overwhelmed can be delayed by weeks or years, as the person struggles to cope with the immediate danger. Trauma can be caused by a wide variety of events, but there are a few common aspects. There is frequently a violation of the person's familiar ideas about the world and of their human rights, putting the person in a state of extreme confusion and insecurity. This is also seen when people or institutions depended on for survival violate or betray the person in some unforeseen way.
  Psychological trauma may accompany physical trauma or exist independently of it. Typical causes of psychological trauma are sexual abuse, violence, the threat of either, or the witnessing of either, particularly in childhood. Catastrophic events such as earthquakes and volcanic eruptions, war or other mass violence can also cause psychological trauma. Long-term exposure to situations such as extreme poverty or milder forms of abuse, such as verbal abuse, can be traumatic (though verbal abuse can also potentially be traumatic as a single event).
  However, different people will react differently to similar events. One person may experience an event as traumatic while another person would not suffer trauma as a result of the same event. In other words, not all people who experience a potentially traumatic event will actually become psychologically traumatized

The key difference between S&M and Abuse, is "consent".
* Consent = Is an agreed approval of what is done and/or proposed by another.
* Abuse = to use so as to injure or damage: MALTREAT

S&M * Is based on the safe, sane, consensual theory * S&M is a controlled environment * S&M has safe words to stop the scene * In a S&M scene the dominant looks out for the well being of the submissive * S&M can be an erotic sexual encounter * In S&M both partners are enjoying themselves * in S&M the dominant respects limits * In S&M there is mutual respect * In S&M the relationship is fulfilling * In S&M both parties feel they contribute towards the relationships * In S&M one can ask their partner to "play" * In S&M relationship there is trust * In S&M a submissive voluntarily serves the dominant * S&M is about building trust * S&M builds self esteem * S&M builds the spirit of a submissive

Abuse * Abuse is not negotiated * Abuse is an out of control environment * Abuse does not have safe words * An abuser does not give a damn about the victim * Abuse is always one sided * Abuse is never negotiated. * In abuse, no one is enjoying the results * The abuser is into non consensual violence * The victim has no respect towards the abuser * In abuse the victim is harmed * In abuse both parties are left unfulfilled * The abuser always feel they are superior * A person does not ask for abuse * In an abusive relationship there is no trust * The abuser does not care for consent * Abuse has no trust * Abuse destroys self esteem * An abuser destroys the spirit of the victim

Dominants!!! Before you get in trouble know : * A sub may be in subspace and not have the presence to stop the scene. Watch for your submissives well being * "Recalling," also known as "Flashbacks." Example of this can be, a sub who was raped years ago, and during a humiliation scene, has a recall of that traumatic moment. Know thy sub. Don't let her flip out. * Always clean your toys. Do not use the same toys without using condoms each time. Wash the toys after each use. Do Not use same sex toys during multiple partner scenes, without changing condoms. * Always use common sense. You are playing with a human being, who has given you the gift of trust. Don't abuse that trust. * Reputation takes a lifetime to earn, yet a measly second to lose. For a moment of gratification, don't ruin someone's life. Don't be abused...Recognize the Signs

http://www.domsub.info/faq.shtml#need%20training
Why does a submissive need 'training'?
  Western culture generally represents that to be submissive in a domestic relationship is 'wrong.' (To be fair, there is no such thing as a 'neutral' culture.) Part of the reason for 'training' is to 'level the playing field.' Training provides an alternative socialization that helps remove the unconscious objections to submission that result from socialization in Western culture.
  Some of the biggest problems faced by subs stem from the fight to reconcile their need for submission with the cultural view that submission is a personal fault. Countless new subs end up berating themselves because they view their need for submission as a character flaw. A large part of training is to help a submissive take pride in their submission. One might call it, "self-acceptance" training.
  Another aspect is that, to some degree, obedience is a teachable trait. If a Dominant wants a high level of obedience from a sub, it is helpful to train that submissive to obey.
Do all Dominants want multiple submissives?
  No, but is not uncommon. As with all relationships, the people in the relationship determine its nature. Some people have open relationships, some closed relationships. Some people have relationships that fall under the title 'poly-amorous fidelity,' where three or more individuals are involved in a closed relationship. All manner and sorts of relationships exist with the D/s community.
What is the difference between D/s and BDSM?
  There is a fair amount of overlap in how the terms are used, but in general:
  D/s is an acronym that stands for Dominance & submission. D/s generally refers to the authority and responsibility transfer between a Dominant and a sub; i.e., D/s relates to who makes and is responsible for decisions. The range of decisions included depends on the people involved, and may be limited to the bedroom or extend to any area of life.        
  BDSM is an acronym that stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism & Masochism. BDSM generally refers to the physical interaction during a 'scene,' such as ropes and paddles. However, BDSM can also include non-physical interaction such as humiliation play, and often the term BDSM is used to include D/s as well. It is a term that came from the fusing of the term S&M (sadism & masochism) with the term B&D (bondage & discipline). B&D was a term that was put forth by the leather community in an attempt to remove itself from term S&M, which had a strong negative connotation at the time.

WINDSHIELD BUG

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable 
infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. 
Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl 
was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car 
windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what the heck was that?'

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a 
young age, the father replied, 'It was only a bug, Honey.'

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said.. 
'Sure had a big dick, didn't it?

Permanent Marks in BDSM - How to Identify Your Submissive by the Marks You Choose
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/959946/permanent_marks_in_bdsm_how_to_identify.html
  Permanent marks are something submissives and doms regularly think about. There is nothing like the thrill of knowing that your submissive is carrying some form of mark somewhere on his or her body to proudly show your ownership. There is also the downside of having that mark after a failed relationship. Relationships do fail and therefore it is never advisable to have a tattoo done on someone's thigh that contains your name before you know that the relationship is a serious one. Many people have made that mistake and consequently had to pay a lot to reverse the mark or try to explain it to a new partner afterwards.
  How many forms of permanent marks are there though? The first one I can think of is branding, hot or cold. Then there are tattoos and cuttings. All of these have their pros and cons and their risks too. It is important to consider the risks before you jump right in and subject your submissive to it. 
  Branding first. What is branding? It is the burning of a symbol, name or other image of ownership into the skin of a person with the intention of making the scar permanent using a hot or cold iron. The important things to take into account when doing this is to make sure that infection does not occur, that the metal is at the right temperature, that it is held on the skin for only one to two seconds as it could injure a person if it stays there for much longer. You also need to take the person's skin type into account.
  What all of this tells me is that if a master and slave decides to do this, they should get an expert to do the branding. Another factor that makes branding so popular is that the submissive shows their willingness to take pain for the dominant in order to show the world that he or she belongs to that dominant. Pain pills could help get a submissive through this and the dominant has to have these on hand directly after the event. The scar should also be carefully tended to prevent any infection.

A person’s attitude about an object is usually not isolated, but is embedded in a cognitive structure, linked with a variety of other attitudes.  That is why it is difficult to change a person’s attitude.
Attitudes have a vertical and horizontal structure:
  Vertical structure means that a primary belief will effect many minor beliefs under it.  An attempt to change a minor belief will not effect the major structure of an attitude.  The source of the attitude must be examined.  Just telling a slave that she has a bad attitude will not cause a change.  A core belief can cause attitudes about a wide range of objects.
  Horizontal structure is when an attitude is linked to two or more different justifications.  An attitude with two or more horizontal linkages or justifications is more difficult to change than one based on a single primitive belief.  Changing a belief about one linkage will not change overall attitude because a second belief also upholds the attitude.  Each linkage must be examined and the thought process related to it must be challenged.
Some questions to ask about an attitude:
How long have you held this belief?
What happened that caused you first to feel this way about the object?
What were you doing when you first remember acting that way?
Why do you feel that way about the object?
Is this attitude helping or hurting your slavery?Techniques for changing attitude:
  If you change a slave's attitude,  then you can change her behavior.  According to social psychology,  a Master can change a slaves attitude by one of the following techniques:  (Note: I don't consider it a complete list)
1)   Foot-in-the-Door Technique.  To get someone to change an attitude or grant a favor, begin with a small attitude change or favor.  The theory is that a second change is easier after the first one.  This is the method used on American POW's during the Korean War. 
2)  Door-in-the-Face Technique.  First,  ask for an outrageous attitude change or favor, then reduce it to a much smaller and more reasonable one.   It works best if there is not much time between requests.
3)  Ask-and-you-shall-be-given Technique.  People will respond by giving to what is seen as a good cause.
4)  Lowballing Technique.  A person is influenced because they perceive a low stake in it.  Once the decision is made, the stakes can be increased.
5)  Modeling.  Modeling the behavior of someone else increases the likelihood that they will change. 
6)  Incentives Techniques.   Incentives work well for changing behavior but not attitude. A person can go to work for the money, but still dislike the job.
7)  Role Playing.   Role refers to behaviors that are expected of someone in a particular social setting.   A slave is expected to act as a slave and therefore her behavior will change to meet her behavior.
Different views on how attitude is changed:
Below are three theories of how attitudes are changed:

1) Cognitive Dissonance Theory: 
  Cognitive dissonance is a mental discomfort (conflict) caused by a discrepancy between two or more  personal beliefs or between beliefs and behavior.  This provides motivation  to change either an attitude or behavior to reduce dissonance.    
  In slave training,  the slave knows that she can't change her behavior,  because it is structured by her Master, therefore she is motivated to change her attitude to maintain a balance.
2)  Reactance Theory:
When a slave feels her freedom of choice is being unjustly restricted, she is motivated to re-establish it. (see section on Resistance & Reactance for more detail.
3) Self-Perception Theory:
This theory states that attitude and emotions are inferred from behavior.  It states that people don't know their attitude, until they stop and examine their behavior.    They will first search for an external explanation and if none exists,  they will turn to internal ones.  

http://www.bestslavetraining.com/punishment.htm
General information - Punishment and Discipline in the bdsm lifestyle:
  In the BDSM lifestyle there is usually a distinction made between punishment and discipline.   B.E.S.T. slave training involves the use of both in the training of a slave.             
Discipline is training employed by the Master to teach proper behavior and obedience.  Discipline is described as instruction and exercise; training, whether physical, mental or moral.   Generally the time spent training your slave to kneel, stand, speak and so on is defined as discipline training.  It is also training to adjust attitude.  One of the uses is to teach and practice proper behavior.               
Punishment is correcting misbehavior.  It’s a penalty imposed on the slave for wrongdoing.  It’s used after the slave has displayed bad behavior to:
1) demonstrate to the slave that her Master is displeased,
2) show that the behavior was unacceptable and her actions have consequences and
3) provide reinforcement for a change to proper behavior.Punishment focuses on behavior, intentional or not.  Because behavioral modification is important; punishment can be administered to the slave if the bad behavior is unintentional.   However, the method and severity of punishment may very depending on if the behavior was intentional or unintentional. 
  The slave may not like the consequences that her Master applies, but she accepts them because they apply to her and are for her  betterment.  Punishment should always aim to improve the slave's behavior. 
  Punishment does not always involve corporal punishment.  Punishment is anything administered by the Master that is very uncomfortable to the slave for the purpose of changing behavior.  It could be having the slave stand in the closet, go to bed early, restriction of privileges, ignoring her, caging, bondage, or many other forms.
  Example: (ping pong ball and/or egg timer)
  A ping pong ball can be used for both discipline and punishment, depending on how applied.   A slave can be told to hold a ping pong ball to a wall with her nose for a period of time.  
  She can be placed in various positions then the Master starts an egg timer and the slave must remain in that position until the egg timer alarms.  She is then given a second position to hold and the egg timer is reset.  This can go as long as you wish, you can keep setting the timer and giving her new positions.  Challenging positions can be used for punishment.    Let your imagination be your guide.    Many egg timers can be set for 30 minutes or more, if you wish to make her hold a position that long.   
  Punish can be the taking away of privileges; loss of the use of a computer, car, or  television. 
  Another punish could be to have her repeatedly write out a sentence or thought on paper.  This is helpful is he is not with his slave and wants to see a positive action taken by her before he gets home.  He can tell her to write what she has done wrong or what she needs to do on paper several time and show him when he gets home.   He can also sent her some place (another room) to write while he does something else. 
  In the bondage section of this website,  I discuss some uses of bondage as discipline or punishment.
  If the slave is a heavy masochist, then something other than corporal punishment might be warranted.  It goes without saying, that punishment is not intended to be fun or provide pleasure.    A slave should not be allowed to misbehave to fulfill her masochist needs and never rewarded for bad behavior.   Don't let what you intend to be a punishment be a reinforcement for bad behavior.    Being placed behind the couch in the living room or den for an afternoon can teach her a valuable lesson.  If she makes a noise or disrupts you in any way, her time behind the couch can be extended.   The use of physical bondage is not necessary, using mental bondage by instructing her to remain quite, still and out of site.   In general,  the more she loves pain, the less it should be routinely applied as punishment and the more care it takes in administering pain as punishment. 
  To enable a slave to properly serve you on a daily basis, she should have full knowledge of what behavior is expected of her.  What is expected of her should be constant and clearly defined by her Master.  This is why written rules, positions descriptions, and protocols are important.  The importance of discipline training and communication can not be understated in the overall  training process.
  As I have stated in other portions of this website,  not all Masters believe in using written rules, guidelines, and protocols.  That of course is their decision.   It is my opinion that written rules help provide a clear path for the slave and a stronger foundation for her change.  I'll admit it takes more time and effort, but I believe the effort is worth it.        
  Punishment is a type of coercive power.  Coercive power is one of the 5 forms of interpersonal power one person has over another. 

• Make sure your sub understands whether you are looking for a monogamous or poly situation.

• Before you attempt poly, make sure you can handle that first sub.

• Make a list of mandatory questions to ask prospective subs.

• A sub that refuses to answer basic questions, especially regarding his or her medical history, has something to hide.

• Pass over prospective subs who obviously aren't compatible with your needs.

• Don't rush blindly into relationships because you are so eager to have a sub.

• Collars should not be given out without serious consideration and intent.

• Being a Dominant doesn’t give you the right to order around every sub you come in contact with.

• Subs are not obligated to have sex or give tributes to you.

• Be wary of subs who want financial support, or who are frequently collared and released.

• Talk to other subs and Dom/mes before you meet someone new. Get references.

• Expensive fetish clothes/toys or a collection of collars does not make a submissive.

• Some subs exaggerate their lifestyle experience in order to impress Dom/mes.

• A sub with many years of experience may still be a total asshole or mentally unstable.

• A sub has a right to leave you.

"I will survive!"
SING IT GIRLS!!! OUT LOUD (But you ain't heard it from me!)
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 12 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, That I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on ... But there you are, another lie, I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry! I should have known that it was bull,  just a sad pathetic dream Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those Jeans!
Go on now-go! , Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4! Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!? Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!![Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
I know I'm gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey! It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to heck with your ego and to heck with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!
[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
I know I'm gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

How Should the Dom End the Relationship?? http://www.submissiveloving.com/ending.html 

http://www.erotimania.com/library/
  Self-acceptance and self-esteem are the cornerstones of a happy life. For people who are sexually unconventional, this foundation is often shaky and, at times, non-existent. In our culture, it is difficult to feel good about yourself when the sting of a whip is your idea of a sensual caress.
  Ever since psychiatrists in 19th Century Europe first classified kinky behaviors as abnormal, ugly myths have prevailed over honest information. Sexual variations which are largely the outgrowth of normal and innate human impulses have been labeled as perversions and sicknesses; people who long for intense sensations or unusual erotic experiences have been branded sinners and sociopaths. We have no public role models to show us that it is possible to act out unusual sexual fantasies safely and lovingly. The popular image of the "sexual pervert" is of a shady, neurotic character who lurks in dark bars, incapable of intimacy, consumed by morbid, even violent, urges.
  Whether we crave the elaborate rituals of goddess worship or the complex structure of Master/slave relationships, the liberating captivity of bondage or the playful discipline of adult spankings, those of us who explore the world of sexual dominance and submission are repeatedly sent the message that who we are and what we want are all wrong. We are told this by people who represent authority in our lives--our parents, our teachers, our doctors, our clergy. When we dare to confess our fantasies to lovers, we face rejection and ridicule.
  In the face of near-universal disapproval, we feel ashamed of who we are; we resist our emotions and repress our needs. Sexual sadists fear that they may be serial killers in disguise; sexual masochists worry that they may secretly have victim- complexes. Fetishists feel isolated and guilty, believing that a desire to worship feet or to wear rubber is a kind of mental illness.
  Many crossdressers endure desperate cycles of binging and purging with clothes, the way bulimics do with food. They become obsessed with their fantasies, amassing whole collections of garments, wigs, and accessories. When the lust wears itself down, they throw everything away in disgust, vowing to change. Inevitably, of course, the needs resurface, the binging begins again, and the cycle repeats.
  The anxiety about being sexually unconventional is so pervasive that even those who have come to terms with their own kinks may find it hard to accept the kinky things that others do.
  I once attended a fetish event where a group of corset enthusiasts refused to be seated near the "whips and chains crowd" because they believed the myth that people who enjoy giving or receiving pain are dangerous to others. Sexual variations such as the erotic interest in enemas (klismaphilia) or the desire to wear diapers and baby clothes (infantilism) make some kinky people so uncomfortable the topics never even come up at kinky support/education groups.
  So how can we overcome the prejudices--both from without and within--which have made it so difficult for us to feel good about ourselves? First, by looking towards the dozens of writers, psychologists, and activists who are now creating a new literature of sexual enlightenment which shows us, for the first time, that being unusual is not really as unusual as we think. There are quite literally millions, if not tens of millions, of people who enjoy sexual variations of one kind or another.
  We can turn to alternative sexuality projects and educational groups, both on-line and off-line, which provide forums for candid dialogue about formerly taboo needs and desires. There we can read about and talk to kinky people who lead positive lives and have satisfying, long-term relationships.
  But the most important step is to take stock of our own lives and to recognize our personal achievements. Whether it's our success in meeting obligations at home and at work; our contributions to our communities or our churches; or the loyalty and compassion we've shown relatives and friends, our own lives demonstrate a simple fact. Being sexually different does not us any less moral, any less decent, or any less precious than other human beings--it is simply a facet of our complex lives. When we learn to accept ourselves, as we are and for we are, we will build a foundation for personal happiness that no myth can shake.

Advice for Dealing with New Relationships
http://www.topdatingtips.com/relationships.htm
When we are actively dating we sometimes forget what the end game is all about - relationships. We can forget why we are dating in the first place and what we hope to achieve. The result of this is that when we finally meet someone we like and spend time with them and start falling in love, we panic. This doesn't just apply to the archetypal male, but to women too. Yes getting involved is scary stuff. Remember this why you are dating in the first place. The end result of dating is a relationship, maybe a long term one, maybe a relationship even leading to marriage. Therefore take your time and get it right.
We can argue all day about when dating becomes a relationship. Maybe after 3 months, maybe after sex. Maybe after meeting their parents, even after moving in together. For some a relationship begins at engagement, for others it occurs the moment the other party agrees to see them again. It doesn't matter. One day, we all accept that today we are in a  relationship. Okay what should we do to sustain it?
Communicate
Talk to each other. Talk a lot, and keep talking. The first thing that goes wrong in any relationship is a change in communication. Simply put, people stop trying and relax. People in relationships stop communicating (gradually) and this quickly turns into taking your partner for granted. Fact. When your better half comes home from work talk to them about whatever they like, even if you are tired. And the 100% rule of thumb is always always ALWAYS look at your partner when you are listening and talking. I have seen this more than I can ever describe, one person in a relationship talking, the other repeatedly saying yes whilst looking somewhere else. If you want your relationship to remain fresh, interesting and inspired, communicate on every level.
Enjoy Yourselves
Have fun in relationships as though you were on a first date. Being with someone is fun, exciting, interesting and loving. Just because you have been seeing each other for a while makes no difference at all. Fun is fun, whatever the age, you should be laughing and having  great time even if you have been together 40 years, so coming home and stating that you are tired and dreary every day won't wash. You were not like that when you began to date so keep it alive by constantly finding ways to have fun together. Laughter heals a lot of ills and at the end of the day, you are together because you enjoy each other's company. That should never change.
It Takes Two to Tango
Relationships are not one sided affairs but a commitment and agreement between two people to want to share their space, time, company and lives together. If you are not married you are not obliged to do this with anyone at all so if its not working out don't hang about. If it is working out then make sure that you both keep putting into the relationship and investing in your joint well-being. As long as you are both involved in your relationship it will work. The problem arises where one feels it is simply too one sided. So always take a rain check every now and again to ensure that you are both as fully committed as you should be.
We are Not the Same
Accept that you are not the same people, neither clones of each other. You have separate interests , hobbies, emotions and moods. Be empathetic and sympathetic to each other as well as giving each other the regular space they require without too much questioning. Just because you have come together for your common good doesn't mean that you don't need an afternoon off occasionally and neither does it mean that you love each other any less. Ensure you retain your space and special time and activities and retain your self identity as needed. If this causes a problem you guys need to talk.
People are Human
No one in this world is perfect. No one, not even me! Ha ha, seriously, when we meet someone we like and we begin our relationship we may well have set high standards and that is fine, but human beings have lots of strange quirks and foibles and ways of doing things. Not everything will meet with your approval and not every element of behavior will be perfect. We don't live in an ideal world and we don't live in fantasy land. Difficult relationships are absolutely normal and understanding that is the key. We all begin by dreaming that everything will be perfect and then something happens that upsets us. Take this in your stride. Accept it and move past it. Loving someone is about everything in life, not just about idealistic romance.
Arguing May Be Healthy
One of the problems in relationships isn't just the lack of communication that can develop, but the retention of problems inside that are allowed to build up and then release uncontrollably. If there is a problem we should talk about it. Personally I hate arguing and it is not part of my ideal relationship view. However there is a great deal to be said for having a good shout and a good argument. It releases frustrations and discontent and quickly brings things to the fore. We release our frustrations and suddenly we are communicating. Stress is released and we feel better. And in any relationship the best thing about an argument is the afterwards where we feel emotional, sorry for getting angry, and we make up in the most passionate of ways.
Keep Having Sex
How many times have you heard that married people don't have sex? We don't have the room here to discuss the vast reasons why, but boredom and complacency often creep in. Lack of creativity, over familiarity and routine are all concerns and causes. A married friend once told me that he and his wife don't have sex for 6 months and when they finally do it feels like they are new lovers again. This lasts for another 6 months then they stop again. A cycle that has gone on for 7 years! Sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship. If you don't match in the bedroom you are kidding yourselves and ultimately you may have longer term problems. To keep a relationship going well, make sure that you do not neglect the bedroom - and anywhere else for that matter!
Don't Change
Keep dating your partner and keep the romance alive. Love them like you just met them. Surprise them constantly and buy flowers when you want to. Little notes and gifts are important as is attention and time spent with each other. Whilst you may both have regular commitments that is absolutely no excuse not to call spontaneously or to make breakfast in bed for your partner unexpectedly. Whilst people naturally do change over longer periods of time, it is down to both of you to keep the passion alive and to do so you do need to make the dating effort. So my advice is keep dating your partner and make them feel freshly loved.
Relationships Take Work
Yes, don't fool yourself. You parents may have been married for 40 years but that doesn't mean that it has been easy. They will often say that relationships and marriages take a lot of work. What they mean is a great deal of understanding, compromise, negotiation and overcoming of problems and difficulties along the way. Making time for each other is essential as are shared experiences, vacations and simply being there. Making your relationship a priority in your lives is also absolutely essential. Often this will mean putting yourself second and taking a back seat. It may mean that your choices aren't a priority and that you won't always be first. Solid relationships are about compromise and acceptance so don't underestimate what that means. Nothing worth having ever came for free.

How to Identify Toxic Relationships
By eHow Relationships & Family Editor 
http://www.ehow.com/how_2076824_identify-toxic-relationships.html?ref=fuel&utm_source=yahoo&utm_medium=ssp&utm_campaign=yssp_art
 Is there someone in your life who is draining the life out of you? Are you connected to someone who is constantly critical and cuts you down? Are you being emotionally blackmailed? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you are involved in a toxic relationship. Surround yourself with relationships that are not toxic and you'll enjoy relationships with positive outcomes. 
Step1
Ponder the relationships you have with people in your life. Identify which relationships are positive ones. Positive relationships leave you feeling refreshed, loved and secure.
Step2
Identify toxic relationships by analyzing the relationship and asking questions in the steps below.
Step3
Ask yourself these two questions: Does this person lift me up or bring me down? Do I feel better or worse about myself after I'm with this person? Being around toxic people can be very draining, leaving you with a less-than pleasant feeling. Toxic relationships can actually damage your health. Migraines, stomach aches, depression, stress and tension can result from a toxic relationship.
Step4
Consider whether the person shares the same values as you do. When values differ radically, chances are the relationship becomes a battle zone which creates stress.
Step5
Ask yourself if you feel safe around this person. Is the person physically harmful? Abuse is part of a toxic relationship, whether physical, verbal or emotional. If safety is compromised, go to a shelter or other safe place and report the abuse.
Step6
Consider whether the relationship is a positive or negative one. Some toxic relationships appear to be positive, but upon examination you will find that the relationship centers on the other person and isn't a balanced, give-and-take relationship.
Step7
After you've identified a toxic relationship, take steps to minimize your time with toxic people and lessen or eliminate their impact on your life.

BDSM Education- Long Distance Relationships
http://www.bdsm-education.com/longdistance.html  People don't want to hear this but long distance relationships rarely work.  Yes like with anything there are a few rare successes.  How many mail order brides/grooms relationships do you know of, let alone know that worked out long term?  I can count the number I know on one finger, most people can't even do that.  
  Online, phone calls and seeing each other a few times a year is not really going to cause the relationship to grow.  It takes hands on face to face for a relationship to grow.  Yes web cams can help some, but they are not the answer, just another tool like the phone or online.  Long distance relationships seem to end up as non committed affairs without much responsibility.  Long distance relationships also tend to attract people that have commitment issues.  Stop and think are all the Dom/me's or sub's you find thousands of miles from you?  If so maybe you have commitment issues.  To quote Philip Miller, co-author of Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns when talking about long distance relationships "I have learned two things from them.  First, the endurance of a long distance relationship is proportionate to the patience of the lovers multiplied by the depth of their pockets, divided by the distance between their abodes.  Secondly, nobody has that deep a pocket nor that much patience."  
  Meeting someone online that lives more than a couple hours away have less of a chance working than someone in the same town.  All too often people jump into a relationship without thinking through everything.  People get wrapped up in having something that has been missing or get wrapped up in the thrill of something new, infatuations take hold and rationalization flies out the window and life becomes compromise after compromise, often leaving a path of destruction behind (think of those having affairs and their spouses getting hurt).  Add to this that 9 times out of 10 the person online and the person face to face are not as they seemed online or on the phone.   
It is HIGHLY advisable to find someone in your area or a big city near you.  Local munches are a great starting place.
  Relationships are difficult to begin with, add BDSM and even more difficulties, now toss in long distance to the mix and you can begin to see why things rarely work out.  Most would say that they love the other person, the connection is so strong or they are perfect for me, etc.  You need to think a bit about the relationship and where it will head.  Are one of you married?  Is the spouse/life partner okay with your BDSM relationship with another?  Would one of you have to move?  Is marriage one of the goals?  Are children a goal?  Will you both work?  Are you both in good health or would one be taking care or the other?  Will they keep their commitments to you?  Are they honest?  Is the trust that is needed for a relationship let alone mandatory for BDSM present?  You get the idea.  Now toss into the mix that not all careers allow for easy relocation or that one thing folks would love to do--retire with compensation would be compromised.  Your current family obligations, not counting the already married to someone obligation as well as children and your parents who may need you to care for them later in life.  All this plays into the reality of the relationship.  
  Be sure you both discuss your views on marriage, child rearing, morality, polyamory/polyfidelity/monogamy, sex, politics, religion/spirituality, the foods you like/hate, the kinds of music/comedy you like/hate, the kinds of movies/television shows you love/hate, etc.  After all your relationship should be based on the person not based on BDSM and/or sex.  You really need someone that is on the same horizon as you.  Once you have all the "normal/vanilla" relationship things explored, then you need to start exploring the BDSM issues.  Will this be a life partner/married relationship?  Will this be 24/7?  Bedroom or role playing only? TPE?EPE?TPT? etc.  What if one becomes disabled or gets a disease that will limit your BDSM?  You get the idea.  If things don't seem comparable then end it before getting into the relationship, don't let emotions or friends talk you into something or make your decisions for you.
  You have to be yourself and not something you are not.  If marriage is important to you and not them then you shouldn't be proceeding for it will eventually drive a wedge in the relationship and things will end badly.  Same goes for wanting children, or BDSM 24/7 or TPE/EPE/TPT, monogamy/polyamory etc.  Both of you must discuss your needs and wants, if you two aren't on the same page then you should agree to just be friends and save you both the heart ache.  Don't fall into the trap of thinking you or they will change, this rarely happens.  Don't lie to yourself or them because you are swept up in filling a void you have.  
  So you're gonna try long distance and see how it goes.  Here are a few things to keep in mind:  
  You need to find a long distance phone plan that will save you money.  Some phone companies are offering flat rates for all the long distance calls you want to make.  
You want to get a high speed internet connection with unlimited transfer, so web cam and online voice chat go smoothly.  
  You want to get an internet host that doesn't charge you per e-mail sent or received.  
  Never lie and resist avoiding the truth.  subbies hate to have to admit they didn't accomplish something that is expected from their Dom/me.  The temptation to say they did what was ordered when they didn't is very high, after all the Dom/me can't really know if you did it, as they can't see the outcome.  Dom/me's also hate to admit that something about their sub upsets them and will usually avoid bringing it up.  
  Make trips to see each other as often as possible, ideally no less than twice a month.     
  The more you spend time face to face the more chance you have at succeeding.  The first 6-8 times you are together should be in a hotel and not either one's home.  Suites work well if play is going to occur.  If in the home town of one of you, you can get by with only one hotel room as the other would go home each night or if they needed space or things were not working.  For safety some folks stay in a hotel and not tell the other what hotel and just meet with them away from their hotel.  If you are both out of town then you should have 2 separate rooms (not joining).  Also subbies don't let yourself be bound and helpless, that needs to wait until you have been face to face in the same town for many months.
  Avoid living in a fantasy where everything is peachy.  Keep your interactions real just like you would if they were right there next to you.  If you are sick, someone is stressing you out, or you can't really take 8 canings in a day, COMMUNICATE these things.  Dealing with daily issues is what you will be doing when you are together face to face so do it now as well.  Also both Dom/me and sub are entitled to know what each other's life skills as well as BDSM skills are.   
If a red flag goes up don't ignore it.  Lot's of folks stand firm with a "one strike and you're out" rule since most of your interaction isn't face to face and you have to rely on honesty and trust.  It's up to you how many times you will allow someone to strike out and you be hurt.
  Remember there is no prefect sub or prefect Dom/me so don't try to be one.  A sub should not be agreeable to everything in the world just because your Dom/me wants it.  Don't say you love/like something and when your Dom/me does it, you become shocked and upset.  Dom/me's don't claim you love everything your sub does because at some point you will have to deliver.  Both of you should negotiate out what activities you are into before your relationship gets going too far.  Yes things you hate today you may love tomorrow, but it is good to get a good starting point.  You might want to look over the checklist and negotiation form on this web site for ideas.  
  You also have to both realize there will be times when the sub doesn't want to be submissive, PMS comes to mind, stress from work or the kids, as well as other things.  You also have times when Dom/me's don't want to be Dommly again PMS comes to mind (and yes guys get a male version of PMS too) stress from work or the kids, as well as other things.  The key is remembering we all have bad days and we just need to be loved and given lots of understanding.  
  Keep things as real as you can, be honest about your feelings, desires and wants.  Don't let the fantasy of BDSM cloud your reality and don't get lost in the fantasy as fantasy rarely works out in real life.  Otherwise your relationship will end up crashing and burning or dying a slow painful death.  
  Yes love can conquer all, but it takes work, commitment, honesty and the same long term goals from both sides to make it a reality.

So What's With Switches, Anyway?   
Note: These pages are copyright by Franklin Veaux. You may reproduce the contents of these pages, provided you do so intact and unedited, and you provide credit and a return link.
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdswitch.html
  "How singular is the thing called pleasure, and how curiously
related to pain, which might be thought to be the opposite of it; For they are never present to a man at the same instant, and yet he who pursues either is generally compelled to take the other." --Plato
  So what's a switch? What's with this whole switching thing?
I am a switch.

  What that means, in the simplest terms, is that I am neither 100% dominant nor 100% submissive. Rather, I have a dominant side, and a submissive side, and at different times I explore different aspects of dominance and submission.
  In some parts of the BDSM community, this is greeted with the same derision that might greet someone who says he or she is bisexual in certain corners of the gay and lesbian community--and, I think, for similar erroneous reasons.
  The term "switch," like the term "bisexual," has a simple, functional definition: You are a switch if you engage at different times in BDSM practices from both a "top" or "dominant" role and from a "bottom" or "submissive" role, just as you are bisexual if you have lovers of both sexes.
  Of course, a functional definition can't tell the whole truth, and a question of sexual identity may not be as straightforward as all that.
  Be that as it may, there are people in the BDSM community who will make the preposterous statement that there aren't "really" any switches, just as there are people in the gay and lesbian communities who make the equally preposterous claim that there aren't "really" any bisexuals.
  Well, it makes sense to me--after all, you can't be both dominant AND submissive!
  Why not?
  It's been my experience that there is no contradiction in the idea that you can gain satisfaction from taking both a dominant role and from a submissive role in a relationship, any more than there is a contradiction in the idea you can enjoy both cooking food and eating food.
  A small but vocal minority of people in the BDSM community maintain--often at great and tiresome length--that anyone who can switch roles is not "really" into BDSM at all, that they're just "playing" at it and don't truly understand dominance or submission, and so forth.
  Not only does this commit the fallacy of "one true wayism"--the mistaken belief that there is only one correct way to practice BDSM or engage in a D/s relationship--it also ignores the fact that human beings are capable of a very wide range of experiences and responses, and that many people for whom BDSM is more than mere bedroom tittilation do, in fact, have the capacity to experience BDSM from more than one perspective.
  In fact, it's tempting to argue that a person who can experience a thing from many different perspectives--a person who can, for example, experience what it's like to be both deeply submissive and extremely dominant--probably has a better understanding of that thing than someone who can experience it only from one direction.
  BDSM is not necessarily just about dominance and submission, either. Many folks are "bottoms," people who prefer to be given pain or other stimulation, but who do not give up psychologocal power or control; or "tops," people who take pleasure from inflicting pain orother sensation on their partners, but who are not interested in psychological control.
  For me, being a switch encompasses both of these things as well. I am a sadist; that is, I take pleasure from inflicting consensual pain on my partners, provided they take pleasure from it as well. I am also a masochist; that is, I take pleasure from having consensual pain administered to me by a partner. Again, there is no contradiction here, any more than there is a contradiction between, say, taking pleasure from giving a massage and taking pleasure from receiving a massage.
  Dominance, submission, masochism, and sadism are not bipolar opposites. A person can be both a masochist and a sadist, and can have both dominant and submissive personality traits. And none of these things is necessarily directly related to any other; you can be a sadist but not dominant, or a masochist but not submissive, or dominant but not sadistic, and so on.
  Yeah, but people who switch don't really understand true D/s.
  Nonsense. In fact, one can easily argue that by exploring both roles, and being familiar with the headspace and psychological experience of both dominance and submission, a person can get a better grasp of the dynamic of power exchange--better, in fact, than the person who is familiar only with one part of it.
  Of course, every human being has a unique experience, and the experience of one person never maps directly onto the experience of another. Nevertheless, we all share many psychological traits in common, and while I may not feel exactly what you feel when we are both submissive, my understanding of what it's like to be submissive--what the state of surrendering one's will to another feels like--can certainly help me to identify with you if I am dominating you--which in turn can help me to create an environment where I can put you in the state I want.
  So how does it work? You just flip-flop on command?
  I'm sure some people can do this; for me, it's much more complex than that.
  I can't flip from being dominant to being submissive at the drop of a hat. I personally find that I tend to be highly dominant by nature, and that I derive great satisfaction from dominating my lovers most of the time.
  However, sometimes a need to be submissive will grow over a period of time, until I find myself deeply craving this submission and wanting to relinquish control to my partners. When this happens, it becomes very easy for me to submit on an extremely deep level, and that this side of my personality is, during these times, at least as strong as my dominant side.
  It tends not to happen overnight; generally speaking, I would say that I'm about 80% dominant and about 20% submissive. There may be a period of many months during which I am completely dominant, followed by weeks of being entirely submissive. Were I to be entirely dominant all the time or entirely submissive all the time, I would unquestionably feel that something was missing from my life.
  Nonsense--that just PROVES you aren't REALLY dominant or submissive!
  And if you like both Cantonese and Thai cooking, it proves you don't REALLY have a taste for foreign cuisine, right?
  The idea that if you are "really" dominant you can't also be submissive, or vice-versa, rests on the fallacy that these two things are opposed to one another, rather than two facets of the same thing. It also denies the basic and observable fact that human beings--or rather, some human beings--are complex, multi-dimensional creatures capable of a startling array of different emotional and philosophical responses.
  Of course, I can't speak for everyone here; I've met some people so astonishingly shallow that a walk through the ocean of their souls would barely get your feet wet. But not everyone is like that.
  There are people who are not shallow but who nevertheless do not have a submissive element or a masochistic element or a dominant element or whatever to their personalities, just as there are people (like me) who are entirely straight, or people who are entirely gay, and do not have an element of bisexuality in their sexual orientation.
  But often, the people I have seen most vocally decry the idea of switches are not these people; rather, the most vocal of the "one true way" contingent in the BDSM community is made up of the people who are most insecure.
  For some people, their ego and their sense of self are tied up in their identity as a dominant or a submissive. This is particularly true of many dominants, who may use their dominance to shield a weak sense of self or a fragile ego. Suggesting to such a person that he or she may have elements of both dominance and submission, or even thatother people can be both dominant and submissive, is very threatening. When your ego is protected by your sense that you are dominant and there is a clear, distinct difference between dominants and submissives, the notion of someone who switches is as threatening as the notion of bisexuality is to a person unsure of his sexual orientation.
  But at the end of the day, the fact still remains that not everyone has an identity or a role which is so cut and dried. Many people (I suspect most people) who practice BDSM are capable of doing so from more than one direction. And that's a feature, not a bug.

http://www.erotimania.com/library/
HOW TO SAY "NO" (AND GET HEARD) By Alpha 
Reproduction is permitted by non-profit and not-for-profit SM groups for educational purposes with acknowledgements given to SAADE. 
  Men and women look at dating and cruising differently.
  Women are socialized to be nice, never hurt anyone's feelings and to act feminine (i.e. don't ask a guy out, don't be pushy, help him to feel like a strong, self-sufficient man, etc.)  
  Men are socialized to be competitive, not ask for help, be persistent and even "pushy" when it comes to asking a girl out. They learn that their persistence will be rewarded, at least some of the time. Men often believe that " no" doesn't always mean no. It could mean maybe. An absence of " no" could mean " yes". They learn this from their friends, from urban myths they hear, from men's pornography and even from their own experiences.
  Women are raised to believe that if they have sex (and  all women get mixed messages about this) they choose that particular person to be with, and that this is a selection that they have made that in no way reflects on whether they want to have sex with lots of people. Each time they choose, it is a personal and individual choice. But men are raised to see women's sexual behavior differently. If a man sees a woman who is unattached, he assumes she might want him. If she dates or has sex with another man, he assumes that she might be available to him. If a woman plays publicly in the leather scene, or plays with more than one person in her lifetime, a man is apt to assume that he has a chance with her, too. By now you should be seeing the obvious " culture clash" that men and women bring to the mating game.
  Let's go back to high school where we all learned about sex.
  No, not from sex ed class -- from our friends, from the streets and from peer pressure. Do you remember how a girl got a reputation as a " slut"? Did you ever hear of a man getting a bad reputation as a slut? Were the rules about this different for women than for men? Did men get rejected by their peers for having lots of women?
  In high school, boys learn to ask girls out. They learn to accept rejection, but they continue to hope that a pretty girl will date them. They learn from their peers that you must be a bit pushy sometimes to get a girl to go out with you. They learn from pornography that girls secretly want to have sex with everyone, that their sexuality is insatiable, and that " no" doesn't always mean " no" -- it could be that you just haven't got her  aroused enough yet. Some men think that girls say " no" because they want to appear to the guy as a " good girl". They may also come to believe that some girls like to be " forced" so that they can later not feel any guilt about having had sex!
  So, to many men  -- when a woman says " NO!" he hears " Maybe?"  He brings all of his cultural upbringing to his experience and may feel that if he's lucky and persistent and can arouse her enough, she will  might well say yes.
  Now we come into the leather scene as adults and we enter a whole new culture.
  The culture of leather is far different from the one of high school. In this culture, women can be openly sexual and make choices and choose to be dominant or submissive.
  Women can play with multiple partners and do public scenes without fear of being labeled " sluts" ( the bad kind) and they can do sexual things naked in front of a crowd and no one will bother them�����or can they????
  When men enter the leather scene they often can't believe their good fortune! Here they get to see naked women on a regular basis and perhaps play with many of them. They have to follow accepted rules but non-monogamy of some sort is very common. Some men have described feeling like " a kid in a candy store" when they first came into the BDSM scene. But of course in this new culture they have to leave their old misconceptions from high school behind��.. or do they??????Herein is the problem.
  Some men entering the leather scene don't shed all of their training from high school. They may come to hold beliefs that teach them that all women fit a mold, or that all women are available to them sexually. They may see a woman play with more than one partner at a party and their old cultural beliefs kick in that tell them that if she is playing publicly, then she might be available to them.
  We also would be remiss if we didn't mention what we all know too clearly.
  Not everyone who enters the leather scene is a picture of mental health. There are crazies out there, and the promise of getting to hurt people, especially women, tends to attract a share of real, non-consensual weirdoes�. The kind that want to kill and dismember people and lock the parts in their trunk in the garage.
  There are some very strange people who come in from the internet chat rooms and have trouble distinguishing between fantasy and reality.
  The percentage is small -- but why take chances? Every year people are killed by persons advertising themselves as BDSM players when in fact these people are murderers and rapists.
  Be careful. Know who you are going out with. The risk is small BUT IT IS A RISK. Don't relax your guard just because it's not a single's bar!
  There are some dominants (of both genders) who clearly advertise that they are non-consensual players. But the BDSM community has done such a great job of stressing that we all play safely and consensually, it's often hard for a sub to believe that these people might well be telling the truth -- if someone says they don't play consensually, and they really want to do things that place a sub's life and emotional well being at serious risk, believe them.
  So what does a woman do when she's dealing with a man who's often been raised to think that her " no" could mean maybe? What does she do if she finds herself being persistently propositioned, groped, or otherwise made to feel uncomfortable by unwanted attentions from  one of these men?
  The first thing to do is not get too infuriated. It might be easy to get enraged at men in general for not getting it, but remember, they are products of male conditioning, just as we are products of female conditioning. They must learn new behaviors and ways of dealing with women. BUT SO MUST WOMEN LEARN NEW WAYS OF DEALING WITH MEN. We can't fairly expect that men do all the changing.
  But what if the woman defines herself as submissive in the BDSM scene? How can she be submissive and assertive with "jerks" at the same time? Even a submissive woman can and should learn to say "no" to someone with whom she has NOT consented to play. This is not out of her role! Submissives can and should have safe words or some kind of signals that allow their Dominant to know what's going on with them. SAYING "NO!" IS JUST ANOTHER SAFE WORD, albeit one that is used with strangers or those who don't have good manners in the scene.
  Remember the training that women have to "be nice" and not hurt people's feelings? Many women are unclear or even misleading when they attempt to set boundaries with pushy men or women. They don't actually say " No". They say gentle things, things that they think men should understand as being a turn-down. But men don't understand that unclear messages mean no. They think they mean " maybe".
  What sorts of things do women say that are unclear? ........... Things like:
"Not right now, I'm playing with someone else."  (He thinks "Oh, she wants me later.")
"Of course I find you attractive, but I can't play with you because I'm in service to ______." (He thinks, "Oh she wants me later, I'll ask her Dom for her.")
"Maybe another time." (He thinks, "Oh, she wants me later.")
"Thanks for your interest, I'll think about it." (He thinks, "Oh, she wants me later.")
  Or women flirt with a man to be seen as attractive and desirable, even if they would never in a million years play with him. This, of course, leads a man to have an interest in that woman.
WHAT CAN A SUBMISSIVE DO IF BEING PESTERED BY SOMEONE? 
1. If the pesky person is drunk or high, go immediately to a DM and report their behavior. A person who's drunk/high and obnoxious is a hazard to everyone. You could be saving another sub from a bad experience.
2. Discuss with your Dom the possibility that someone might pester you when you go to a social or party. Find out what your Dom would like you to do.
ANY TIME ANOTHER DOM HITS ON YOU WITHOUT FIRST NEGOTIATING WITH YOUR DOM, THEY HAVE DISRESPECTED NOT ONLY YOU AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP, BUT THEY HAVE DISRESPECTED THE ROLE AND PERSON OF YOUR MASTER/MISTRESS.
  Protocol varies from couple to couple, but this is one big protocol that nearly everyone agrees on in BDSM.
  The most common issue is that your Dom is in the bathroom, outside smoking, playing with another sub, home sick with the flu, or otherwise not available for you to get to immediately. That is usually when pestering types strike.
What then?
  Go over these  boundary-setting behaviors with your Dom and see which he/she prefers that you use:
* Use this example and talk about what your options might be. Don't think it might not happen� it just might!
You are at a social gathering and your Dom is across the room packed full of people� so full that it would take you minutes to get to him/her. You are standing with a friend when a Dominant approaches you.
He:
gives you a hug
gives you a hug and then squeezes your bottom
gives you a hug, pinches your nipples and then says " When can I play with you?"
orders you to your knees
orders you to your knees and tells you to perform oral sex on him
(By the way, ALL of these things have happened at a BDSM social)
 Don't count on your Dom knowing that you are being rudely pursued and don't count on the protection of other Doms -- they may not know what's going on. Recently a submissive woman was being rudely pestered by a Dom and after spending minutes to get back to her Dom and get away from this obnoxious fellow she arrived at her Dom's side, only to have him say to the rude man ( jokingly) " Why, I've never seen this woman before in my life!" He was joking, but it sure didn't help her feel safe!
  If you are alone or with other subs/friends you have one of many options if someone is being rude and disrespectful.
  Remember, being rude is not a form of play unless negotiated. Anyone who attempts to play with you without negotiation is disrespecting you and your dominant and the relationship you share.
Here are a few things you can do.
1. Say " No!" clearly. 
Examples:
a) "Leave me alone, I do not want to play with you"
b) "Don't touch me without permission of my Dom/Master/Mistress!"
c) "If you keep pestering me I will have you removed from this gathering."
2. What if you might want to play with this person in the future, but not now?
Examples:
a) "I have plans for tonight but I will talk to you at another time. Not now."
b) " I might want to play with you sometime but you must talk to my Dom/Master/Mistress first."
c) "I am interested in talking to you more about playing but I'd prefer we do it over coffee and not here. You may call me."
3. If a person touches you in a way you find offensive, give him his hand back and say " You do not have permission to touch me." If they persist, have them removed.This is assault if they don't stop when told to.
4. Let your play partner know that there has been a problem of single Doms cruising subs right after they've played. Ask to stay with your play partner for after care or  ask someone else to sit with you to monitor the situation. When you're still high from sub space is a bad time to be negotiating with a stranger.
5. If someone attempts to play with you without your permission ( i.e. strikes you, hits you with implements, pins you in a corner, etc) do not hesitate to have them removed from the gathering. If you feel in danger, don't hesitate to use self-defense strategies.
6. If someone is coercing you, threatening you or not abiding by your limits, do not play with him/her.
Bibliography:
You Just Don't Understand by Deborah Tannen
SM 101 by Jay Wiseman
The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
Boundaries and Relationships by Charles Whitfield, MD
If Men Could Talk� by Alon Gratch, PhD
What He Can't Tell You and Needs to Say by Brenda Shoshonna, PhD
What Women Want by Lawrence Stains and Stefan Bechtel
The New Male Sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld, PhD
Tongue Fu! How To Disarm, Deflect and Defuse Any Verbal Conflict by Sam Horn

Levels of Collaring
Levels of Collaring by Carolyn Keeling
Reproduction is permitted by non-profit and not-for-profit SM groups for educational purposes with acknowledgements given to SAADE  
http://www.erotimania.com/library/BDSM%20articles/levelsofcollaring.htm
My idea is to find someone to permanently collar (eventually), after a long testing period with intermediate collars.
Meeting/Courting Period:    We meet, find our tastes are compatible in most all general areas, that we are attracted to each other sexually and that we just plain like each other. Also, we acknowledge that I'm Dominant enough for you, you're submissive enough for me and the Masochism/Sadism dichotomy works. When we are together, you wear a Stainless Steel collar; it's removed when you leave.
1st Level of Collaring:  You become my "boy" (Note: can be "man servant" or "serving man") and address me as "Trainer". We work out a 3 month Contract between us, which basically states our expectations of each other. I lock a Sterling Silver collar around your neck, but I give you a key, so you can remove it when it's absolutely necessary. You spend your weekends with me but you remain living at home and working full time... and I begin training you to become more to me than just a "boy". If, by the end of the Contract we can see that everything's working, we proceed to Level 2. (Otherwise, we can either not sign a new Contract and become friends, or we could extend it for another 3 month period.)
2nd Level of Collaring:  Now you become my "submissive" and continue to address me as "Trainer". We renegotiate our Contract, this time for 6 to 9 months, fixing anything that didn't work during Level 1 and adding new areas, if we wish. I lock a White Gold collar around your neck, but I don't give you a key. (The collar will be suitable for wear at all times.) Outside of your work, you'll be my full time serving boy... and you'll serve me in every way. If, by the end of the 2nd level, we both adore each other and are willing to make a commitment for the long term, we proceed to Level 3. (Again, if things are not working, we can become friends or extend the Contract.)
3rd Level of Collaring:    Now, you become my "slave" and you may address me as your "Mistress". We renegotiate our Contract once again, honing it down to the essentials. I have a Platinum collar sautered around your neck, which you'll wear as long as you're my slave, hopefully forever. You'll move in with me and cut back your work to 3 days a week (if possible) in order to serve me better, and every year, on our anniversary, I'll offer to renegotiate our Contract and remove your collar... and you'll refuse, because you're happy serving me.   :-)   (Or, again, we become friends.)

How to Become a Secure Person 
Practical steps to becoming more secure 
Last update 10-May-2006 http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolypiano.html
  Some polyamorous people see polyamory as a path to spiritual enlightenment, believing that polyamory connects them with the universal spirit of the Divine or some such thing.
  Me, I'm not terribly spiritual. (Yes, it's true!) I don't see polyamory as a "spiritual path," I'm not prone to believing in "sacred sexuality" as a way to explore my connection with the Universal Cosmic Divine, and my own approach to polyamory (and to life in general) is very practical and hands-on. This is why I do not believe, for example, that love is infinite...but that's a topic for another time.
  There is a saying: "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." I don't believe a word of it. Often, the way it works in practice is quite the opposite. You get rid of fear, and the love follows more easily. The "getting rid of fear" part, though, is the trick.
  And getting rid of fear and insecurity makes life better. Ultimately, dealing with fears and insecurities is something that must be done; a person can deal with them by hiding from them, deal with them by rearranging his life around them, or deal with them by destroying them completely, but not dealing with them generally isn't an option. And frankly, with the amount of time and effort people invest in hiding from their fears or building their lives around their fears, just eradicating them to begin with is actually less effort in the long run.
  This page is about practical, ordinary ways to deal with fear and insecurity, and become self-confident and self-assured.
  Don't always assume you can trust your feelings.
  Fear is deceptive. Fear will attempt to justify itself. Often, you can think of your fears as though they were living creatures of their own; they will fight to protect and defend themselves, just like any other living thing.
  Fear is tricky because it can color and distort the way you see the world. You will often see (or, sometimes, fabricate) things which support your fear, while totally missing things which contradict your fear. On top of that, when you are afraid, you tend to project that feeling into the past, remembering most strongly those things which confirm your fear; and into the future, and believe, if only subconsciously, that this is the only way you will ever respond to this kind of situation, and no other response is possible.
  Fear tends to wither and die if you drag it out into the light, though. I'm personally a big fan of marching into the closet, grabbing the biggest and ugliest monster in there by the tail, and then dragging it out and going toe-to-toe with it. Fears gain strength when you let them hide in the shadows, and lose strength when you examine them and confront them head-on.
  So. I'm going to start with a hypothetical situation, and lay out a plan for conquering a fear, step by step. Different fears express themselves differently, and fears and insecurities can manifest in many ways, but the same tools can be used for dealing with them all. For the sake of example, I'll start with a fairly common response I've seen in poly relationships many times: you have a partner, your partner has another partner, and you feel insecure or jealous when you see them together in a romantic context, like when you see them kiss.
  Ready? Here we go!
First, look beneath the surface
  Before you can do anything else, you must figure out what lies at root of the response. This is the first and most critical of all tools for dealing with fear or insecurity. Insecurities, jealousies, and fears are often composite emotions--emotions made of other emotions. You can't confront the fear until you understand what lies beneath it.
  Say, for example, you see your sweetie kissing someone else, and that brings up a negative emotional response--jealousy, fear, whatever. Look at that fear! (Yes, I know this is difficult; when you're in the grip of a negative emotion, all you want to do is make it stop, right now, by any means necessary.) Examine what it's telling you. Why do you have that response? Is it because you believe that you can't compete with the other person? Is it because you're afraid your lover may find you wanting? Is it because you're afraid your lover will leave you, or want you less, or prefer someone else's company? Try filling in the blanks: "If my lover kisses another person in front of me, then the bad thing that will happen is ______." "If this keeps happening, then it means ________." "If my lover really loves this other person, then ______."
Further Down the Rabbit Hole
  Once you have an idea of what it is that underlies the fear, keep following it down the rabbit hole. For example, let's say that you have a negative emotional response when you see your partner kiss someone else, and you figure out "I am afraid that that other person might kiss better than me, and my partner might want that other person more than me." Well, now figure out what's underlying that fear. Is it rooted in fear of abandonment? Low self-esteem? Fear of competition? Fear of loss? What is it you're afraid that means? Why do you believe that the other person might kiss better than you--and more to the point, why do you think that's even relevant?Disassemble! Disassemble!
  When you've done that, you've made a lot of progress. For example, let's say you have a negative emotional response when you see your partner kiss someone else, you've figured out that the response is caused because you fear that if your partner's other partner is a better kisser than you, you will lose something, and you've figured out that this is rooted in the idea that if your partner's other partner is more pleasing to him, your partner will want to be with that other person and not with you.
  Okay, now we're getting somewhere! The root of the response is fear of abandonment. Now you need to take that fear apart. This is what I mean when I say "drag the fear out of the closet and go toe-to-toe with it." You need to disassemble the response, and figure out whether or not it's valid.
  One way to do this is to examine the assumptions about your relationship that your fear reveals. Do you believe that your partner is with you because of the way you please him in bed? Do you believe that if your partner finds another person more sexy or more pleasing, you may lose some or all of your relationship? Are those beliefs founded? Is it possible that your partner is with you for reasons besides those? What might those reasons be? What value do you add to your partner's life? Does your partner value you for the way you please him, or for who you are? Is it even meaningful to say that one person can replace another?
  Now, the danger in doing this is that sometimes, you may find your fear really is justified. Not all fears are irrational. There are people in the world who are only with someone for a lay, and will move on as soon as they find a better fuck. It could very well be that in this hypothetical situation, this is the case. If so, so be it. The best way to keep from being disillusioned is not to have any illusions in the first place; if your partner is only with you for a lay, then this is the kind of thing you should know.
  But more likely, you will find that when you do this, your fears fall apart. When you examine your relationship with your partner, you will likely find that, no, you add value to your partner's life in a myriad of ways, large and small, and that even if your top-level fears are realized and your partner finds someone better in bed than you (or whatever), it does not mean you will lose your partner.
How do you get to Carnegie Hall?
  At this point, I'm going to digress a bit and talk about what it means to be a "fearful person" or an "insecure person" or a "jealous person."
  I've talked to a lot of people who say things like "Oh, i could never be polyamorous; I'm just a jealous person"--as if being a jealous person were some matter of genetics, something over which we all have no control, like being born with blond hair or...well, no, people actually think they have more control over their hair color than over their own conceptions about themselves, which is interesting.
  Let's say you went to a piano concert. Would you say that the pianist up on the stage was "just a good pianist," as if that's all there was to it? Hell, no--and if you did, she'd likely punch you. You get to be a good pianist by long, hard practice. A good pianist is made, not born.
  The same is true of being a secure person--or an insecure person. People are accomplished at being insecure because they practice being insecure. They practice diligently, every day, for years; it's no wonder they're good at it.
  You practice being insecure every time you let yourself think "Oh, I'm not good enough for that" or "Oh, my partner doesn't really want to be with me" or "Oh, I don't deserve that" or whatever.
  After a time, this way of thinking becomes natural and effortless. A pianist who has practiced enough does not consciously have to move each finger to the proper key; after a while, they find the keys by themselves, without conscious effort. A person who practices being afraid or insecure soon becomes very natural at it; you find the things to support your fear, you learn the tools to reinforce your fear, without consciously thinking about it.
  The same is true of self-confidence and security. These are things you practice; practice them enough, and they become totally natural, a part of who you are.
Building better habits
  So back to dealing with fear. Once you've deconstructed your fear, discovered what it's rooted in and taken those roots apart, once you've found a list of things which discredit your fear, it's simply a matter of reaching for those things that your partner values in you and that you add to your partner's life whenever the fear raises its head. The thing about fear and jealousy and insecurity is that these things are a lot like like playing a piano; they represent ways of looking at the world which improve with practice. Just as practice can make a person into a highly accomplished pianist, so does practice turn someone into a highly fearful or highly jealous person. And on the contrary, practicing discrediting your fear, developing the mental habit of staring down your fears and insecurities and saying "No, you're wrong, and here's why" whenever they stir, will make you accomplished at feeling self-confident and secure.
  Once you understand why your fear is flawed, you simply have to train yourself to stop reinforcing it, and to reinforce the feelings of value and security instead. This will feel awkward and unnatural at first, just as learning to play the piano feels awkward and unnatural at first. But you become good at what you practice. If you practice being afraid, you get good at it; if you practice being courageous and fearless, you get good at that.
  When I feel something that makes me feel insecure or fearful, I tend to want to push on that thing. So to take my hypothetical example, if I were to feel an unexpected negative reaction at seeing a partner kiss someone else, rather than try to hide from it or to tell my partner not to do it, I would instead tell her "I feel this way when I see this, so when you do this when I'm around, I may want to talk to you about those feelings later." I certainly would not expect her not to do it in front of me; I believe that approach is the way away from courage, and would simply make the fear stronger.
  When you push on the things that make you afraid--when you deliberately expose yourself to those things--you rob them of their power. On the other hand, when you give in to those fears, or (worse yet) when you pass relationship rules designed to hide the things you're afraid of--"No kissing when I am around!"--you reinforce those fears, and you allow them to control your life. Building your life around your fears is not an effective strategy for leading a happy life; and maneuvering your partner's behavior around your fears is not a good strategy for building a happy relationship.
Three easy steps to self-confidence
How do you practice being self-confident? How do you make all this theory happen? In three steps, just like the title says, of course!   
  Step 1: First, understand that you have a choice. You did not choose your past experiences, of course; you did not choose to have people make fun of you back in the fifth grade, or having a past partner who told you you weren't good enough, or whatever...but you did have a choice about believing these things and internalizing them, and right now you do have a choice about continuing to believe it, or changing the things you believe about yourself.
  The single hardest thing to do if you want to change your self-image is to realize that it is a choice. Once you've made that step, the rest is easy.
  Step 2: Once you understand that you have a choice over the way you feel, the next part is simple. Choose to act like someone who is self-confident, even though you are not. Remember, you control your actions; you control your body; you can choose to act self-confident and act secure even if you don't feel it. You will feel uncomfortable, of course; your feelings will try to get in the way of your actions. Acting self-confident will feel phony and forced at first. You will obsess, going over in your mind all the imaginary reasons why you shouldn't be acting this way, you need to be afraid or insecure instead. You still have a choice. You still control your actions. You can choose to act confident even though it feels uncomfortable.
  Step 3: Practice. You become good at whatever you practice. A person who is insecure becomes very good about being insecure because he practices being insecure every day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. You practice being insecure by thinking about those old insults you heard in fifth grade, remembering them, believing them, telling yourself they are true. You practice being insecure by going over in your mind all the reasons you are not good enough to be with your partner, and imagining how easily he could abandon you if he just wakes up and realizes how worthless you are. You practice being insecure by making lists of everything that is wrong with you.
  People who are secure practice being secure. It's no different, really. To practice being secure, stop thinking about all those old insults--when they come into your mind, tell yourself firmly "No, these are false, and I choose not to believe them any more. Why should I believe people who do not like me?" When you find yourself thinking about all the things that are wrong with you, stop, and say "No, these are wrong, and here is why. Here is a list of things that are good and sexy about me instead." (Corny as it sounds, keeping a written list of things you like about yourself in your pocket helps.) When you find yourself thinking of all the reasons your partner does not really want you, or all the reasons some other person is better than you, stop yourself and say "No, this is false."
  If you practice the piano every day and then one day start playing the harp instead, it will feel uncomfortable and awkward and unnatural, and you will not feel at first like you are making any progress. Do it anyway. You get good at something by practice. You want to be a confident, secure person? Practice being confident and secure, in your words and in your actions.
  When you do this, even though it feels uncomfortable and even though you do not want to, you will find that your insecurity goes away remarkably quickly. It doesn't actually take very long to become more secure.
  If you want to become secure without ever thinking or doing things that are uncomfortable for you, though, forget it; it will never happen. In order to change your image of yourself, you have to understand that changing the way you act and the way you think is always uncomfortable at first.

What is abandoholism?
  You’ve heard of food-oholism, work-oholism, shop-oholism and, of course, alcoholism. Now here comes another, most insidious, addictive pattern – aband-oholism.
  Abandoholism is a tendency to become attracted to unavailable partners. Many abandonment survivors are caught up in this painful pattern.
  Abandoholism is similar to the other ‘oholisms, but instead of being addicted to a substance, you’re addicted to the emotional drama of heartbreak. You pursue hard-to-get partners to keep the romantic intensity going, and to keep your body’s love-chemicals and stress hormones flowing.
What makes someone an abandoholic?
  Abandoholism sets in when you’ve been hurt so many times that you’ve come to equate insecurity with love. Unless you’re pursuing someone you’re insecure about, you don’t feel in love.
  Conversely, when someone comes along who wants to be with you, that person’s availability fails to arouse the required level of insecurity. If you can’t feel those yearning, lovesick feelings, then you don’t feel attracted, so you keep pursuing unavailable partners.
  You become psychobiologically addicted to the high stakes drama of an emotional challenge and the love-chemicals that go with it.
  Abandoholism is driven by both fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment.
  When you’re attracted to someone, it arouses a fear of losing that person. This fear causes you to become clingy and needy. You try to hide your insecurity, but your desperation shows through, causing your partners to lose romantic interest in you. They sense your emotional suction cups aiming straight toward them and it scares them away.
  Fear of engulfment is at the opposite end of the spectrum. It occurs when someone is pursuing you and now you’re the one pulling back. You feel engulfed by that person’s desire to be with you. When fear of engulfment kicks in, you panic. Your feelings shut down. You no longer feel the connection. The panic is about your fear of being engulfed by the other person’s emotional expectations of you. You fear that the other person’s feelings will pressure you to abandon your own romantic needs. 
  Fear of engulfment is one of the most common causes for the demise of new relationships, but it is carefully disguised in excuses like: "He just doesn’t turn me on." Or "I don’t feel any chemistry." Or "She’s too nice to hold my interest." Or "I need more of a challenge."
  Abandoholics tend to swing back and forth between fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment. You’re either pursuing hard-to-get-lovers, or you’re feeling turned off by someone who IS interested in you.
What is Abando-phobism?
  Abandophobics are so afraid of rejection that they avoid relationships altogether.
  Abandophobics act out their fear of abandonment by remaining socially isolated, or by appearing to search for someone, when in fact they are pursuing people who are unattainable, all to avoid the risk of getting attached to a real prospect – someone who might abandon them sooner or later.
  There is a little abandophobism in every abandoholic.
  For both abandoholics and abandophobics, a negative attraction is more compelling than a positive one.
  You only feel attracted when you’re in pursuit. You wouldn’t join any club who would have you as a member, so you’re always reaching for someone out of reach.
How do abandoholism and abandophobism set in?
  These patterns may have been cast in childhood. You struggled to get more attention from your parents but you were left feeling unfulfilled, which caused you to doubt your self-worth. Over time, you internalized this craving for approval and you learned to idealize others at your own expense. This became a pattern in your love-relationships.
  Now as an adult, you recreate this scenario by giving your love-partners all of your power, elevating them above yourself, recreating those old familiar yearnings you grew accustomed to as a child. Feeling emotionally deprived and "less-than" is what you’ve come to expect.
Why does the insecurity linger?
Recent scientific research shows that rather than dissipate, fear tends to incubate, gaining intensity over time. Insecurity increases with each romantic rejection, causing you to look to others for something you’ve become too powerless to give yourself: esteem. When you seek acceptance from a withholding partner, you place yourself in a one-down position, recreating the unequal dynamics you had with your parents or peers. You choreograph this scenario over and over.
  Conversely, you are unable to feel anything when someone freely admires or appreciates you.
  This abandonment compulsion is insidious. You didn’t know it was developing. Until now you didn’t have a name for it: Abandoholism is a new concept.
Insecurity is an aphrodisiac.
If you are a hard-core abandoholic, you’re drawn to a kind of love that is highly combustible. The hottest sex is when you’re trying to seduce a hard-to-get lover. Insecurity becomes your favorite aphrodisiac. These intoxicated states are produced when you sense emotional danger – the danger of your lover’s propensity to abandon you the minute you get attached.
  At the other end of the seesaw, you turn off and shut down when you happen to successfully win someone’s love. If your lover succumbs to your charms – heaven forbid – you suddenly feel too comfortable, too sure of him to stay interested. There’s not enough challenge to sustain your sexual energy. You interpret your turn-off as his not being right for you.
How about following your gut?
  If you’re an abandoholic, following your gut is probably what got you into these patterns in the first place. Your gut gets you to pursue someone who makes your heart go pitter pat, not because he’s the right one, but because he arouses fear of abandonment. And your gut gets you to avoid someone who is truly trustworthy, because he doesn’t press the right insecurity buttons.
  Enrich your mind. Follow your wisdom. But until you overcome your abandonment compulsion, don’t follow your gut – it will only get you into trouble – because your gut tells you that unavailable people are attractive.

Self-Esteem & BDSM
Author: Raven Shadowborne © Feb. 7, 1999   http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/ravenselfesteem.htm
   The most difficult thing for many people to understand is what self esteem is and how it affects their relationships with others. Everyone seems to have their own idea of what self esteem is. Self esteem, to me, is basically the ability to look at yourself as a good person. The presence or lack of self esteem can effect one's relationships in many ways. 
  When people think of self esteem they tend to think of it in very broad terms and use it to encompass more than I feel it does. Self esteem is basically being able to know you are worthy human being. This does not mean that you think of yourself as always right or as a gift to humanity. A person can have a strong sense of self esteem and still be aware of their faults, whatever they may be. Self esteem does not prevent a person from striving to broaden their horizons or strengthen their weaknesses. I believe that for one to have a strong sense of self esteem one must be able to see their good points as well as their bad ones. One must be able to see themselves as a worthy human being over all. A good sense of self esteem does not rely upon others to make it strong. Nor does it say that one should sit back and not try to improve themselves. 
  Self esteem can and does affect one's relationship with others. A person with a good sense of self esteem, will not usually become co-dependent upon their partner. They will not look to their partner to define their own identity. Their identity will remain seperate, though it will be enhanced by their involvment in any relationship. 
  Within BDSM, a strong sense of self esteem becomes very important. BDSM can become an all encompasing lifestyle that seeps into every aspect of one's life. If a person does not have a strong sense of their own self worth, they could very easily become totally dependent upon their partner for their sense of self worth. This can cause a level of dependency that is destructive to the relationship rather than a healthy part of the relationship. A person with a low self esteem becomes like a clinging vine which can eventually choke the very life from a relationship. As well, a person with a low self esteem is more likely to become involved in an abusive relationship which causes further damage to them. Most who lack self esteem would fall into the doormat category that is heard of so often. This being, a person who lets someone do whatever they want, without any regard for themselves in any fashion at all. Even a slave has some regard for themselves, a door mat does not. A door mat, or person with no self esteem, is easily manipulated and abused whether it be in BDSM or not.
  A person with a strong sense of self esteem, who enters into a BDSM relationship, will be an asset to themselves and thier partner. The relationship will enhance their life and their view of themselves, not be the only source of defining these things. Someone with a strong sense of self esteem will not become so immersed in BDSM that it takes over their life to a point that it is all they can see or relate to. BDSM will enhance their lives, not be their lives. (yes this is rather paradoxical since BDSM can be the basis and a large part of one's life) A person with strong self esteem, is less likely to be taken in by those who are abusive. A person with a strong self esteem, is more capable of making a clear and informed choice to enter into a BDSM relationship. They are more knowledgable of themselves and their needs or wants. They would be less apt to completely set aside those needs or wants just to be in a relationship. 
  Self esteem should be something everyone has by the time they are grown. Unfortunately with life being as it is, not everyone has a strong sense of self esteem. BDSM, believe it or not, can enhance one's self esteem. It can allow a person with a shakey self esteem to gain a solid foundation of pride. In many relationships, the participants are told often they are good, beautiful what have you. Through the communication, trust, and honesty of a BDSM relationship, self esteem can be repaired or strengthened. Some ways to do this are common things done in BDSM relationships, but many don't see their benefits. For example, having a submissive list the things he/she has done right in a day can help shift the submissive's first thoughts from their bad points or things done wrong, to the things they did right. This can promote a healthier view of themselves. As well, this can prevent the common trap of self destruction that many people have by viewing themselves only in a bad light. Other things are setting rules such as the submissive can not speak ill of him/herself can help change a thought process from a negative based one to a more positive based one. 
  Most dominants when asked about self esteem in a submissive, state that they want a submissive who has a sense of self outside of the relationship. They state that such a sense of self allows the submissive to enhance the relationship, not detract from it. The same goes for the dominant.  
  Self esteem is not something that can be gained over night if it is lacking. But it is something which can be gained and should be for the relationship to be a satisfying and healthy one. 

D/s Lessons I have Learned
By SirMagic 
http://www.darkangel.com/kinks-lesson1.html
 One's submission to another is a gift. Be you man or woman, pleasure slave or masochist the gift same. When a sub submits she is offering up her collective soul to you to take, hold, possess, control and most importantly, cherish. Abstractly speaking, mixed in with this gift is her life force, the raw essence from which heart and soul are derived. All this is being willingly offered up to you of their own freewill. These collective dynamics is what makes the act of collaring so powerfully emotional for many subs. As a Dom. once you accept such a gift it binds you to that person in ways few truly understand and because of this lack of understanding, too many people get hurt.
 Collard subs are NOT trophies !
  When you collar a sub, not only are they making a commitment to you, the Dom. but you (the Dom.) are making a commitment to them as well. You are promising to be the guardian of their heart and soul. The caretaker of their love, devotion and sense of being. You now define their universe, sense of self and the purpose of being. In short you are now responsible for them in ways which are not part of a `vanilla' relationship.
  With the last statement in mind, it begs the question:
"Who is the Master and who then is the slave ?" The answer I venture, is simple: She is my slave, I possess her body, soul, mind, heart and being. Just as she possesses my heart in return. I am Dom., she is sub, she is Dom. I am sub, we are O/one.
  We are forever revolving within that which balances us like "Ying" and "Yang" and makes us whole. "Even though we are Dominant, when we come to love our sub with our truest of heart, whether we want to admit it or not, this is an act of submission. For in that moment we surrendered ourselves to them as surely as she/he has to us."
  This is why "collaring" should be done with the greatest of care. For it opens a door way to the deepest levels of submission, love and the human bonding. Often in our "passion" for a new D/s relationship we sometimes move faster than we should. In the end we run the risk of collaring someone who ultimately is not best suited for us. This mistake, I have made and in the end I hurt the person deeply when it didn't work out. Since this time I have not collared another submissive. For it was this experience which made me rethink the how's and why of how I Dom.
  I firmly believe, "just because someone is a sub doesn't mean they are stupid." I personally like intelligent, competent, capable and submissive women. I get turned on by a sub who has a brain and can use it. If I give my sub a business task to handle, then that's it. I will not micro-manage, all I care about is.. is it done. I don't want to really hear about how she handled it. I trusted her enough to say "here handle this", therefore I'm not going to second guess a subs method of accomplishing the task.. If I have to, then I can't trust her and I wont have a sub I can't trust. If you are my sub, then I require you to work to better yourself, my world and image. If this be the case, then I must respect and honor not only your gift of devotion, intelligence and love but your talents as well. This is where I feel many Dominants fail. A true Dominant shows respect and appreciation for who and what his/her submissive is capable of.
  So many of us who would rule, do so from a tormented soul. Those Dominants who's spirits are ruled by anger and insecurity easily get caught up in Ego based control traps. "I am in control, because I dominate you. Therefore I must be someone, because I am in control. " Once this happens you are well on your way to being a control freak, not a Dom.
  As a Dominant "my power comes from within", not because I have a sub on the end of a leash. Everyday I work to Master myself first. Through this act I can naturally, with NO effort, Master others.
  In D/s we seek to satisfy our hungers, our callings whatever they maybe. We all are driven by them, be them submissive, Dominant or masochistic. Through this venting of our psyche we are meant to grow, love, learn and share.
But even in D/s happiness can be fleeting or just around the corner.
  I have often said:
" Life gives you the test first, and if you survive, then chance to learn the lesson afterward." 
  If this be the case then, this is but just a small part of the..
" D/s Lessons I have learned"... 

Rule #1.  Listen to that little voice when it warns you that something isn't quite right.

The internet is awash with people who have met people in real life, and something went wrong, went too far, or just was way beyond what they expected or desired.  This results in a lot of emotional agony.

Quite often, the most difficult thing to deal with is the realization that they "knew" it was a bad situation up front.  That little voice keeps telling them "I knew it."

It is much easier to bail out, explain that you were not comfortable, and if you want, continue discussing future possibilities.  That way, the only guilt you have to deal with is what other people force on you.

Rule #2.  Meet in a public place.

I recommend a restaurant as a good place.  The nice thing about meeting in public is that if you decide that you have been sold a bill of goods online, you can walk away.   If the person gets aggressive, you can call for help.

Rule #3.  If travelling out of town to meet someone, have a way home.

It is a well known fact that the internet has brought the world closer together.  People do travel to see folks they have met online.  If you fly, be sure you have a round trip ticket.  Discussion of who pays for it is up to you, but you do want to know you do have a way home.  Keep the return ticket in a safe place.

Make sure you have resources to get by on if you find yourself alone.  You may need extra money if the airline ticket requires an additional fee to change the ticket so you can come home earlier, or you may need to find a hotel and pay cab fare.  Don't forget meals.

Rule #4.  Have a safe call arranged.

Find someone you trust.  Tell them where you are going and who you are meeting.   When you arrive at whatever place you are going to be, call them and tell them you are ok, and that you will call back by a certain time.  Arrange with them beforehand that if they do not hear from you, call the cops or bring help.  Be sure this person takes this responsibility seriously.

While this will not guarantee you are safe, at least the cops will have a good start at trying to locate you.. and the person you are meeting.

Rule #5.  Do some background investigation beforehand.

Ask for references.  Start with e-mail references of people that know them.   You will write to them and simply say that you are planning on meeting this friend and their e-mail address was given as a reference.  Ask them to call you so you can discuss this person.  You definitely want to talk to them over the phone so you can ascertain that it simply isn't someone with multiple e-mail addresses giving their own good reference.

Take the information you know about the person and try to confirm some of it.   Here are some links you might check into.

Sleuth Page => www.neosoft.com/~inflo/sleuth.htm

If you live in Texas and have a valid Texas Driver's license, for $25 a year, check out PublicData.com (www.publicdata.com).  You can get up to 250 searches in their databases.  They have driver's license info, criminal record info, sex offender info, voter registration, and so on.

Information on Safer Sex and BDSM
© August & October, 1996, The AIDS Committee of Toronto. http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/safesm2.html
SAFER SM:
Practical Guidelines and Advice on AIDS Prevention within SM play
  If sexually explicit information about sadomasochism (SM) might offend you, this brochure is not for you.
HIV Transmission:
  HIV (the virus that can lead to AIDS) can be avoided. HIV is passed from one person to another when infected:
blood
semen (cum) or
vaginal secretions (cunt juice) goes from one person’s body into another, and then makes its way into your bloodstream.
You don’t have to worry about:
saliva (spit)
perspiration (sweat)
urine (piss) or fæces (shit) on the outside of the body
  Always remember to use common sense. Ensure that first-aid items are readily at hand. By remembering these basics, you can make any kind of sex safer.
SM Risk Reduction
  Most SM activities have always been low-risk for getting HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus). Responsible SM has always been about practising safety.
  Getting a sexually transmitted disease (STD), like HIV, can be prevented. But there are other possible dangers with SM. For more information on how to avoid these, read material like the On the Safe Edge: A Manual for SM play by Trevor Jacques, et al, Lesbian SM Safety Manual by Pat Califia; SM 101 by Jay Wiseman; or Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns by Molly Devon and Phillip Miller.
  Generalized information on HIV and STDs is available from most Community Health Centres, doctor’s offices/clinics or community AIDS organizations.
SM Etiquette
  Use the etiquette of SM. It’s really just a matter of respecting the person(s) with whom you’re playing. You should agree upon a safety word and what you want to do in a scene before you start the scene. A safety word (or motion) is used by any partner to stop the scene immediately, no questions asked. There is no shame in using the safety word. It’s there for both of you. You should respect it and your partner’s limits and feelings at all times.
  Always consider your partner(s). Discuss interests, pleasures, perceived needs etc. If you are unsure of a certain sexual or SM activity, then hold off until you’re familiar with the safety aspects of it. Find out as much as you can beforehand, so you can make a decision about how and/or when to proceed.
  If you are HIV+, think about how infection with STDs -- or re-infection with HIV -- could affect your immune system. Bow out when necessary. For example, don’t deep throat a sore throat. By being interested in your health and practising safer sex, you are doing a lot to help stop the transmission of HIV and other STDs.
  Always ask before using someone else’s toy. They may not want you to use it, or it may be broken. By practising the guidelines mentioned in this pamphlet, you will be making your contribution to the community of safer SM players.
Lubricants
  Lubricants (lubes) can be lots of fun, whether used for play or insertion. Flavoured brands can be used externally or for oral sex.
If you’re going to insert something into someone, you should only use a water-based unscented brand - like K-Y, Lubafax, Muco, Safer Sex lube, Astroglide, or Wet. Never use oil-based lubes (like Vaseline or Crisco); they weaken latex condoms and gloves, making them more likely to break.
  Also, during a scene, you shouldn’t take lube from a large container. Either buy small portions and throw the packets away afterwards or put enough lube for this play time into something disposable (like a paper cup or plate). Some brands come in pump jars. This makes sure that nobody’s "dirty" hand, penis, or whatever can get into your personal supply of lube.
Your Rectum
  The rectum (ass) is more delicate than most parts of your body and you should take care of it. Sticking things up your rectum - whether it’s a finger, cock, dildo, fist, or anything else - can tear the rectal lining. Even extremely tiny tears can open up the body and be places where HIV can get in.
  Fucking without protection is a high-risk activity, since a penis ejaculates semen (cums). A penis also has a pee hole in the end, which can let viruses in. Always use a latex condom, and use it properly.
  To put on a condom: first make sure the penis is erect. If it’s uncircumcised, pull back the foreskin before putting on the condom.    Squeeze the air out of the tip. If the condom is round- ended and doesn’t have a tip, squeeze the air out and leave 1 cm free at the tip of the penis.
Lubricate the outside of the condom really well with a water-based lube (like K-Y, Muco, Wet, Safer Sex Lube, or Astroglide). Never use oil-based lube (like Crisco or Vaseline); it can damage condoms. Pull out soon after you come, grabbing the base of the penis to make sure the condom doesn’t slip off. To be extra careful, you can start fucking with a condom, and then pull out before you come - you can then cum on the chest, thighs, hand, or whatever.
  If you finger a rectum, be careful not to finger it if you have a cut or sore on your finger or if you have long/sharp nails. You could also use a latex glove when fingering. As for dildos, make sure they’ve been cleaned before they go up your rectum (see the section on cleaning toys).
Douching and Enemas
  If fisting, fucking, or dildos are part of your sexual activity, some people feel it is very important to have a clean ass or vagina. But douching, or using enemas before getting fucked, could leave you more open to infection. They can wash away the surface mucous that’s there to protect you.
Never share your douche bag. Clean your douche bag each time you use it. Also, don’t share the nozzles of metal shower douches. Get a separate nozzle for each friend, label it, and clean it between uses (see the section on cleaning toys). Douching or enemas should not be used after sex because they don’t necessarily wash things away - they can also push infected semen, blood or fæces further into the body. Infections and bacteria douched up into a woman’s uterus and fallopian tubes can cause Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID) - which could lead to infertility, or worse.
Your Vagina
  Successful play with your vagina (cunt) depends on paying attention to detail, because a great variation of sensations occurs over very small areas.
  It’s easy to bruise, cut, or tear your vagina, so you should take the same care to protect it whenever anything goes into it. The inner parts of the vagina are mucous membranes, so a good rule is to make sure that your play is less aggressive here. Anything inserted into the vagina should be properly washed and have no sharp edges.
  Your vagina can be damaged in other ways too -- you can: bruise or scrape the cervix, which is located about 10 cm inside the vagina (the exact position varies from woman to woman); tear the skin between the vagina and the rectum; bruise the tissue between the pubic bones; or cut and scrape around the pee hole. All of these can open up your body to HIV - or other STDs - making vaginal intercourse without a condom a high risk activity.
  A good rule of thumb is that too much lubricant is not enough. If you don’t use enough, you may cause tears and rips, or a mechanically induced vaginitis.
  Vaginal play depends on moving slowly to generate fairly symmetrical sensations, and remembering that the border between pleasure and pain here is razor thin. So get to know the size and shape of your partner’s vagina, and remember that it changes shape depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle, and how excited she gets.
Toys
  When you were growing up, your mother probably told you to share your toys. Well, for sex toys, forget it! Anything that goes into a person’s rectum and/or vagina could transmit HIV or other STDs, if it’s shared. Any toy that draws blood can also be a risk.
  If you’re a bottom, the best idea would be to have your own toys and get your top to use them on you. If you’re a top, ask the bottom what toys he or she owns. Or, if having sex with various bottoms, you should assign and mark toys only for them.
  For example, if you spank someone with a sturdy wire brush, you’re going to draw blood. So, tape the bottom’s name onto the back of the brush - maybe even tape the brush to the bottom’s leg - but don’t use it on anyone else. The same applies to dildos, butt plugs, etc.
Cleaning Your Toys
  You’ll need these things to clean your toys:
soap and hot water
one part household bleach to nine parts water
10% hydrogen peroxide solution
  What if you use a toy on someone and you don’t mean to draw blood - but you do? You don’t have to throw away your toy. Wash it in soap and hot water, let it soak for 20 minutes in the bleach solution, rinse it in hot, clean water and then let it dry thoroughly (preferably overnight) before using it again. The same goes for douche nozzles.
  Leather toys are a bit different: To clean a leather toy (like a whip, flogger or leather dildo), first wash the tips or ends with a strong foaming cleaner using a hard bristle brush to get at nooks and crannies in the leather, then spray the tips or ends with hydrogen peroxide, wipe away the excess with paper towels, and let them air dry for at least a few hours (preferably overnight) before using them. Cleaning dries out leather very quickly, so your toy should be treated with an acceptable leather conditioner immediately after it has dried, or it will become brittle and crack.
  It’s a lot easier to clean a dildo after playing if you put a condom on it before you use it. If you are a top, you can probably think of lots of ways to make your bottom put the condom on the dildo.
  It may sound complicated, but it isn’t really; just make sure any toy with semen, blood, or fæces on it, or anything that’s been in someone’s rectum or vagina is cleaned. Make sure you get any bleach or soap off the toy, by flushing it with clean water. Remember, uncleaned toys can transmit STDs - which could affect your whole immune system.
Watersports, etc.
  Both urine and fæces are fine on the outside of the body. Urine in your mouth is a very low-risk activity for getting HIV, but with an infected bladder there is a high risk of catching other STDs. If you take fæces in your mouth, there is also the possibility of catching parasites or other STDs . Never brush your teeth or tongue just before playing, wait at least 3 to 4 hours; and never play when you have cold sores, cankers, or cuts in your mouth.
  If there are any cuts on the outside of the skin, don’t urinate (piss) or defecate (shit) near the cut(s). Remember that a pimple (zit) is also a cut.
Fisting
  Fists are big things. They can create more serious tears in the rectum or vagina than most sexual activities. If you get fisted, you’re going to have to treat your rectum and/or vagina very, very carefully.
  Immediately after you’ve been fisted never let anything else (a penis, dirty dildo, or a finger with semen, fæces, or blood on it) into your rectum or vagina that might be carrying HIV or other STDs.
  If you are going to fist, wear latex gloves. They protect both the top and the bottom. Surgical gloves are the best. They usually go part of the way up the arm and are good for most fistings. If you are going to be fisting deeply, use a calving glove. You can buy them at veterinarian supply stores. Calving gloves can bunch up, though, and the wrinkles can cut the lining of the rectum or vagina. To avoid this, cut the finger and thumb sections off the calving glove to leave the glove covering the palm of your hand, including the base of the thumb. Then put a surgical glove over the calving glove.
  Don’t fist if your fingernails are long. Cut them and smooth them down with an emery board, since they can tear the fisting glove or the bottom’s rectum or vagina. If you have an open wound or hangnails on your hand(s), don’t fist with that hand even with the precaution of gloves.
  Be sure the glove stays well lubed while you’re using it (see the section on lubricants). When pulling out (as with condoms), make sure to grab the open end of the glove so that it doesn’t slip off.
Rimming
  Rimming (licking someone’s rectal opening) is very low risk for becoming infected with HIV, but high risk for the transmission of other STDs (like herpes, anal warts, hepatitis A) as well as parasites. If you want to rim, use a condom cut length wise to form a sheet of latex, or use a latex barrier like a dental dam (which is more difficult to find). Never brush your teeth or tongue just before your sexual play, wait at least 3 or 4 hours.
Rimming can be very enjoyable for your partner but always take precautions to ensure your own safety -- avoid leaving yourself open to STDs.
Piercing, Shaving, etc.
  If you want to have a permanent piercing, make sure the rings or bars are new and sterile. You might be able to find a doctor or nurse to do the piercing in a sterile way. If you can’t, have it done by or learn from a professional piercer. Make sure the bars or rings are properly soaked in bleach and then rinsed in water before they’re inserted. Make sure only new, sterile are used and then only on one person. If a temporary piercing is part of a scene, make sure you use sterile, disposable needles. Us them once -- only once -- on one person. Then dispose of them safely. (See the section on cleaning needles, and disposing needles under Drugs and Alcohol).
  As for branding, heat-branding is safe because of the high temperatures involved (heat kills HIV). Knife-branding should only be done with a knife that’s been soaked in bleach for twenty minutes and then rinsed with water. Better yet, you can use a sterile scalpel with a disposable blade (scalpels can be bought at medical supply stores). Use it once, put it in a strong narrow-necked plastic container, put the lid back on, and throw it in the garbage.
  For piercing, branding, or shaving, any drops of blood should be wiped away with sterile cotton balls. Soak the cotton ball in rubbing alcohol. You can also buy pre-soaked separately wrapped cotton balls called "alcohol preps" or "alcohol rub". After use, put it in a plastic bag, tie up the bag, and put it in the garbage.
  When starting a piercing, branding, or shaving scene, the area of the skin should first be wiped with rubbing alcohol, "alcohol preps" "Hibitane", or "Staphene" to remove and fine dirt trapped by the skin’s oil.
Whipping
If there’s no break in the skin during whipping or flogging, then it’s no problem at all.            Depending on the material that the whip, quirt, or cat-o’-nine-tails is made of and the way it is used, it can draw blood if the skin is broken.
  During a flogging or whipping scene, wipe up the blood the same way as you would for piercing or branding, and always clean your flogger/whips (see the section on cleaning toys).
  When in a more public forum, you should avoid breaking the skin, as blood can be flicked from the flogger/whip during the return of the stroke.
Drugs and Alcohol
  If you’re into SM, you have to keep your wits about you. Mind-altering drugs - like tranquilizers, uppers, or hallucinogens - are not recommended. If you use them, you’ll be more likely to make mistakes. Alcohol can have the same effect. Too much drugs or alcohol can lead to unsafe activities.
  As for "poppers", they make your blood vessels bigger. This may increase your risk of infection with HIV if you’re getting fucked. Poppers are also hard on your heart and immune system.
If you use injection drugs, a very easy way to pass on HIV is by sharing your needles, syringes, or cookers. Use your own works and never share them unless they are properly cleaned in bleach and water.
To clean your needle and syringe properly:
1) Fill the syringe completely with sterile water, shake it, and squirt it out.
2) Fill the syringe with full strength bleach and squirt a little out. Leave the rest in for 30 seconds, then squirt it out.
3) Repeat step 2.
4) Fill the syringe with sterile water, shake it and squirt it out.
5) Repeat step 4 twice more.
( Bleach and sterile water can be obtained from your local needle exchange).
  To dispose of your needle and syringe properly:
  Once a needle or scalpel is used, make sure the cap is put back on and the whole thing is placed in a strong, narrow-necked plastic container (with its lid on) before disposal, so no one handling your garbage gets pricked. You can also use a "sharps" container (see your local needle exchange).
Electricity:
  Electrical equipment (like the "Relax-A-Cisor" machine or "Violet Wand") probably won’t break skin, so there’s not much risk for getting HIV from it. If it does break skin, wipe up any blood with disposable, sterile cotton balls soaked in hydrogen peroxide, and cover the broken skin with a bandage. Since flexible, sticky electrical contacts pick up dirt from the skin, use them on one person only. If you get body fluids on them, throw them away and get new ones. There is no way to clean them.
Only use electric charges below the belly button - you don’t want the charge to affect the heart or the brain’s own electric system.
 About this pamplet:
  We developed this document with the help of experts in the field of education, as well as people experienced in safe, sane, and consensual BDSM. For maximum effect, we have used frank language specifically aimed at the target audience; not to shock but to speak to them in their own words.
Educational research indicates that this direct, non-judgemental presentation, using slang equivalents of the correct terms, ensures effective use of pamplets like this. In the printed version of this document, we have also used photographs and design to help maintain the reader's interest throughout the text.
  For copies of the illustrated, four-colour version of this document, please contact the AIDS Committee of Toronto (address below) or send an e-mail message to SaferSM@SaferSM.org.
  The development and printing of this pamphlet was funded exclusively by the SM community within Metro Toronto.
If you have found this document useful, please consider making a donation to the Safer SM Education project (mention the project by name when you send your donation to The AIDS Committee of Toronto). This helps us keep the education going.
Thank you to these supporters:
Alternate Sources,
The Barracks,
Northbound Leather,
POWERarts,
The National Leather Association - Toronto,
Spearhead Toronto,
Dan Bowers,
Michael Hamilton,
Trevor Jacques,
Dr. Dale McCarthy,
Rachael Melzack,
Dennis O’Connor,
Sniffer,
David Stein, and the many generous donations made at the AIDS Committee SM101 seminars. Special thanks to John Maxwell at A.C.T. The AIDS Committee of Toronto Safer SM Education Project
399 Church Street, 4th. floor, Toronto, Ontario M5B 2J6
Office:    416-340-2437
Hotline:   416-340-8844
TTY/TDD:   416-340-8122
Facsimile: 416-340-8224
E-Mail:  SaferSM@SaferSM.org
URL:     http://SaferSM.org/SaferSM.html

Suggestions for Living D/s with Kids in the House
http://www.dallasbdsm.com/Ems%20Stuff/em_kidtips.htm
  Come up with alternatives for "Master" and "slave" such as "my Love" and  "_____"<---- insert given slave name here.
  Get yourself a locking chest, or a good lock with only 1 key for a closet.
  Buy innocent but pervertable furniture:  iron canopy bed, padded-top chest for the foot of the bed and a hanging chair for the bedroom (which can be replaced with a more wicked chair kept locked away- just a good excuse for the heavy hook in the ceiling).
  mommy always serves Daddy His dinner first.
  mommy loves the pretty choker chain Daddy bought her so much, she wears it every day.
  Come up with a phrase Master uses when His slave messes up......like "you know I love you, don't you?"  or "I'm going to sleep good tonight"  -- anything really......just something that shows slave that Master just caught her and punishment is forthcoming.  <grin>
  Perfect training to hand gestures.
  As young as possible, get your child used to going to bed on a schedule.   Our daughter goes to bed at 9:00 every night.  After that....mama and Daddy play.
  Make sure that Daddy is used to tucking them in and fetching glasses of water and doing the comforting "go back to sleep" thing......because at some point you will be interrupted and mama will be in no shape to go take care of it.
  If you can afford it, soundproof the playroom and get a good baby monitor.

Progression of a D/s Relationship http://www.submissiveloving.com/progression.html
  You've decided that this type of lifestyle is for you, and you're interested in pursuing a relationship with a Master or a submissive. You think you are prepared for everything that you will encounter in the Mastery lifestyle, but have you thought about the actual future? Have you considered how the relationship will progress? How things will change as time goes on? Are you really prepared for the commitment you are about to make? I'll take you through a general relationship's lifespan, and allow you to see what is to be expected over time. This is meant as a general itinerary, nothing more. Each Master is different, and will have different plans for the training of his slave. Some will follow a close path to the below, while others will differentiate from it greatly.
Acceptance
The first actual emotion you will encounter and overcome is the fact you are Dominant, or submissive in nature. Some of you will have mixed emotions, of being both Dominant and submissive, which we in the scene call "switches". First of all, you must accept these desires as being worthwhile of investigating. Once you accept the feelings you have, you can then go ahead and either try the lifestyle in the role you seek, or seek your own identity as a Master or one who kneels at the Master's feet.
Finding and Meeting
More than likely, you will find somebody on the Internet to talk with regarding your feelings. You will also use all the resources at your disposal to educate yourself regarding the Mastery and BDSM lifestyles, and will attempt to seek out others that have the same desires as you do. As time passes, you will see that this lifestyle intrigues you more and more, and the fear you have of actually entering into this lifestyle will lessen enough over time to actually introduce yourself to this way of life.
  Each one of us has had to take that initial step into the lifestyle, to overcome the fear and terror we have felt for a length of time, and to find out if this is truly what we sought in our lives. Some people experiment with it, and find this lifestyle is not what they thought or desired; while many others embraced what they have found with open arms. Only you will know when the time is right to go past the point of turning back, and to see if the dreams you have had are equalled to what you will find in this new world.
  In time, you will find somebody that has the qualities you are searching for. If you have Dominant traits, you will find somebody that has submissive desires, and/or vice-versa. There is no telling where you might meet this person, however the two biggest methods would most likely be over the Internet through a newsgroup or chat group, or in person at a semi-public or private munch (gathering of practitioners of the BDSM and Mastery lifestyles). No matter where, you will learn that many others have the same desires as you, and will happily help you in your search for your own identity.
  Through one of the available mediums, you will find that significant other that you are searching for; and the two of you will eventually decide to meet. During your meeting, this is the time to talk about each other's desires and wants, along with experiences and safety measures each knows of. If you find yourself compatible with this Dominant/submissive, and are comfortable with them in all ways, then you can progress to discuss either partaking in a scene together, or possibly establishing a relationship with one another. Ideas and limits are important things to discuss, along with all safety measures (such as use of safewords and actions, proper tying techniques, avenues for immediate release from bondage, etc.) that will be taken.
The Initial Commitment of a Relationship
Whether you have previously scened together or not, the majority of people in this lifestyle seek some form of commitment to the person that they are involved with. There are many levels of commitment, and what each person wants should be thoroughly discussed up front. Lack of communication is a major problem in all types of relationships, and if your able to be open with your Master/sub, you will find that many potential problems can be dealt with before they have a chance to happen.
  Through your talks, you have established limits to both the Master and the slave; and have come upon an agreement as to what manner and to what extent control will be given to the Master. The two of you will have discussed the progression of the relationship over time, and what is to be expected of both the Master and the slave.
  It should be stated here that the bond will always continue to grow, and that love (if it is felt) will continue to magnify as well. Both emotions may be felt from the onset of meeting one another, however the depth of it simply becomes amazing. In no other type of relationship is trust so important, for once you allow somebody to restrain you from escape, you are totally at their mercy. Make sure you know the person who is taking away your ability to protect yourself.
Short-Term Aspects of the Lifestyle
The first priority of the Master is to "break-down" his submissive. By this, I mean getting the slave to drop old habits, and to adopt new ones through the Master's teachings. There are many things brought to the relationship that the Master will cherish, but there may be just as many things that he will not care for as well. Each Master molds his slave into his ideal image of how she shall serve him.
  I've had slaves come to me, with years of experience, that have been calling their previous Master "Sir" or "Lord" for years. If that is what the Master wanted, the slave has learned to adapt to that. The problem arises from the fact that I am unlike any other Master, just as each is different from the next. My slaves call me "Master", for that is what I personally prefer. Problems arise from the fact she has learned (some call it conditioned) to address her Dominant in a different way. A fake "master" will conitnually punish his slave for each infraction, whereas a real Master will understand that through time and patience, and gentle (but firm) instruction, the slave will easily adapt to her new surroundings. In essence, it will take that slave a period of time to "re-learn" the proper method of address that suits me; as well as all the lessons that I teach her so she may serve me in the way that pleases me.
  It just takes time to learn both what the Master wants and expects, and what the submissive is capable of. The first few weeks/months is basically a "getting-to-know" stage in the relationship. No slave can come into a new relationship and completely please her Master from the start, and the experienced Dominant knows this. The Master knows how to guide and teach his slave, with patience and a constant eye, not allowing her to backslide in her training. The submissive learns proper mannerisms and positions, she learns what is expected of her daily, and she concentrates on allowing the control she has given to him.
  Some Masters and subs, for whatever reason, may decide to only scene together once or for a short term. The bond never increases to the point of where people living LTR's (long-term relationships) together get to feel. However, if your interests are based on the physical relationship and not the emotional attachment, then perhaps you should shy away from entering into a relationship where the other person is looking for a bonding experience with you...which usually happens with most LTRs to some extent.
Long-Term Aspects of the Lifestyle
The main thing both Masters and slaves have never expected in a lengthy relationship is the fact that even hard limits soften over time. The cause of this is simple...the bond and trust that has accumulated over time between both people. After scening together, and knowing in your heart that the other person cares for you regardless of your desires, it becomes easier to loosen restrictions that you had previously placed on yourself. Once you know you can completely trust your partner with your life, you may find yourself willing to go into some activities or increased endurance levels that you never thought possible.
  It is safe to assume that over time, and with a continuing relationship, the Master and the slave will find that the bond has strengthened enough to where they may be able to try new things. Both will look back to the past, and be amazed both at the natural transition of their abilities, and with the endurance each is able to bring into their play. Time is what is most needed to be able to bring the relationship to the level that both people desire.
  There is one very dangerous aspect to a LTR. It is called "falling into a routine". While not dangerous from a physical sense, it is very dangerous to the submissive's mental well-being over time. All Masters realize that what makes a slave feel complete is in her submission to the Master. It is very important for the Master to construct a measure of control over his slave on a daily basis. This is especially true in those relationships where micro-management is practiced. A submissive that does not feel owned or controlled does not feel wanted and complete in her being, and will become both restless and self- destructive. If your an experienced Master, and after a long period of time your slave starts a pattern of getting into trouble or acting out, it could be that she is becoming restless of the never-changing routine she is encountering.
  It's ok to give a routine to your submissive that makes things required of her on a on-going schedule. The problem comes when the Master does not initiate new avenues for the slave to explore, or give her opporunitites to both learn ways to be a better slave, and to allow her to expand her mind. If the Master accepts his sub for a LTR, he takes on the responsibility of keeping her just as interested five years down the road, as she is at the start of the relationship. This is much harder than it sounds. Imagine being responsible both for yourself and another person, and then having to figure out new and creative ways to both exert your control over her and to allow her to be more submissive to you. Sounds easy? Try doing it daily for YEARS.
  It can be a very rough assignment for even the most hardened Masters. However, it is a challenge that most Masters would like to accept, and usually are able to accomplish to a satisfactory result. The slave's main duty is to please her Master, in whatever way she can. The Master's main duty is to be responsible for the on-going training and use of his slave, so she may feel whole herself. When the Relationship is Over
Just as in any "vanilla" relationship, a large percentage of those created in the Mastery lifestyle will end. There are too many reasons why a relationship may end to list them all, so I'll attempt to go over the emotional "fallout" that happens at the end of this type of commitment.
  When the slave asks to be "released" (let out of her commitment), or the Master releases his submissive, the relationship is over. Unless the submissive is in a captive role in her submission, she can walk away regardless of her Master's wishes. The vast majority of Masters and submissives have no desire to be in a relationship where the other is not consensually happy, and the commitment is therefore allowed to end.
  It is a sometimes a very traumatic time for the slave during this period of being un-owned. Like a regular relationship, it has taken a period of time to develop a bond of trust and/or love for your Master, and to suddenly be released can be a major shock. You have depended on another to make your decisions for you, to love you the way you are, and to take care of all of your needs. Suddenly you find yourself alone. Unfortunately, this does happen in this lifestyle, and there is but one cure for the depression you now feel...time. Time may not heal all wounds, but it will allow you to find the strength to move on with life.
  It is a very hard step to lose your Master, then later have to re-submit to another. However, you will find that this lifestyle is what makes you happy, and you'll know in your heart when it is time to come back. Just like any other lifestyle, it can be very dangerous to be pulled into the "rebound" effect, and immediately search out a new Master to care for you. Make sure not to fall in this mode of survival, for you will find that you may get into a situation you never counted on, and could have avoided had you had your wits about you.
Finally...
  This type of lifestyle offers both advantages and disadvantages over the conventional type of relationship that society practices. If you find that this way of life is for you, as long as you use your head and be smart about the choices you are given, you will find this to be a very rewarding way to live. Relationships are the same in all facets of society, and they are only worth what you make of them.

A few tips for online to real life  http://www.bdsm-education.com/online.htm
  Beware of predators.  In general they are looking for the vulnerable, for them to brutally abuse, injure, and maybe even exploit or rob, and the biggie--turn them into a sex slave or the quick affair.
  Be aware that Long distance relationships rarely work.  Online, phone calls and seeing each other a few times a year is not really going to cause the relationship to grow.  It takes hands on face to face for a relationship to grow.  Long distance relationships seem to end up as non committed affairs without much responsibility.  Long distance relationships also tend to attract people that have commitment issues.  To quote Philip Miller, co-author of Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns when talking about long distance relationships "I have learned two things from them. First, the endurance of a long distance relationship is proportionate to the patience of the lovers multiplied by the depth of their pockets, divided by the distance between their abodes.  Secondly, nobody has that deep a pocket nor that much patience."  For more on long distance relationships and those thinking about moving to be with someone.
  If a person has been involved with BDSM in real life for any length of time, they will know about local BDSM organizations, a title of BDSM books, play spaces, munches and places to purchase BDSM toys/attire/books.
  Real life is NOTHING like online.  Real life is much more rewarding.  In real life the person doesn’t go away when you walk away from your computer.
  Do not rush meeting face to face, spend time talking, online, on the phone, web cam interactions, it may take weeks even months for both of you to feel comfortable.  If either is pushing to meet right away the first time you talk this might be a sign of moving too fast.
  Lots of people never give out their real identity.  It is very common to have a name/nickname for the BDSM community and one for the rest of your life.  Some even have a separate phone number and address for BDSM community and another for the other part of their life.  Remember in this day and age it is common for people to only have a cell phone and not have a phone at home.  It is a very real threat to be outted and have your life ruined.  Don’t let someone guilt you into giving this information, especially when they try to manipulate this information from you claiming “everything I have learned about safe calls says you must give me this information otherwise you are hiding something.”  Asking for personal information like Drivers License Number, Social Security Number, credit card numbers, etc., should send up a red flag that this person might be trying to collect information for unlawful purposes.  If someone sends you (mail, e-mail or fax) a copy of such, it might not even be real.  They could be providing you with someone else's identification, have altered their own information or simply are an imposter.
  Prevent Identity theft--Never give anyone your Social Security number, Drivers License Number, Credit card numbers, PIN numbers, passwords, etc.  For more information contact the Federal Trade Commission.
  References are they worth anything?  For the most part no.  Why?  Would the person you are asking for references give you someone to check with that would say they were someone not to be trusted? or didn't know a whip from artichoke?  No, they would be giving you a name of someone they have already gotten permission from (privacy) to back them up.  What if they are well known?  That really doesn't mean anything one way or the other (maybe they are good with self PR or some people like them or some people dislike them).  It's an individual thing when it comes to respecting someone.  Just because someone doesn't like another they may say unfavorable things about someone that does know their stuff and is a safe player.  You really need to make your own judgments and not rely on others perceptions.  It is easy to have an opinion about someone.  It is really easy to spread an opinion around (good or bad).  What one believes is the truth can become blurred very rapidly.  Someone jealous or hurt can say something just because they now dislike the person.  Remember that what you are hearing is just one persons perspective and prejudice.  Try listening to the person when they talk to you or others, do they sound like they know what they are talking about?  Does it match your expectations or wants about BDSM?  If the opportunity comes along at a play party, watch them play.  Does the person they are playing with look like they are enjoying themselves?  Do they look like they know how to use the toys?  Trust you instincts they've worked for you so far in your life.
  Meeting for the first time is probably best at a munch, restaurant, other public place or BDSM function.  Similar to how you would meet someone not into BDSM.  Since this is pretty low risk and only if you felt the need, would I suggest a minimal safe call.  Safe call-Where you set up ahead of time with a person that you will call and check in when you arrive and when you are in your car (or departing) on the way back home.  Follow up with the person you met to let them know you have arrive home safely. 
  Playing for the first time alone (not at a BDSM dungeon—if at a BDSM function I’d set up safe calls just like meeting for the first time) you might want a more detailed safe call. 

Domination
Author: Nala
http://www.leathernroses.com/domination/naladomination.htm
Dominance, what is it really? What makes you Dominant? Looking from the outside at a BDSM-relationship, it seems like you’re Dominant when you decide what your sub is going to eat for dinner, what clothes he/she wears, what he/she does during the day or night. You’re not asking any questions, you give instructions, for you are Dominant, and so you are the one in charge.
  Looking at your relationship that way is quite shortsighted. You will never become really close to one another acting like that. Sure, you’ll have a clear differ in power, but is it really what you’re looking for? The power of a Dominant is just the cover, the packing. It can be a very important ingredient of your relationship, but at itself it won’t give you enough carrying capacity for your relationship. 
   I can hear your thoughts: yeah sure, take a hike! But let me explain what I mean with those words. Imagine: you see a slim woman wearing a super tight, sexy latex dress. Put that same super tight, sexy latex dress on a woman weighting over 200 pounds. What makes the look? You still see the outside, which is the super tight, sexy latex dress, but the contents make you look twice or the other way.
  Keep this image in mind and let’s go back to Domination. The instructions you as a Dominant give, the rigour; it’s all outside, comparative to the super tight, sexy latex dress. But it’s the content that really matters; what makes you look twice or the other way. The packing itself is nothing more than a bit of rubber containing much air.
Dominance in a BDSM-relationship goes a lot further than the packing. Giving self-centred instructions is called arrogance, not Dominance. It will make your sub react like: Who do you think you are, telling me what to do? We shall see whether I’ll do it or not! I guess that’s not the reaction you’d love to see. Maybe your sub will do as you say, just because he/she want it him/herself, or he/she just wants to obey. But it won’t last forever, because the reason why your sub responds has nothing to do with you.
  Your relationship will get more intense when you really are interested in your partner; when you find out what your partner thinks, feels, wants, not wants or not (yet) able to try. Get to know your partner to the bone, so that you can see and know what he/she feels even with your eyes closed. If you are able to tell and feel what your sub wants, you can start to play with this information. Your sub gives you a package filled with information, from which you pick whatever you like at that moment to play with. The way you play is comparable to the super tight, sexy latex dress I mentioned before. But what you do settles your Dominance. Your sub will feel respected, your interest; it will strengthen the trust he/she got in you.
  With the information you gathered this way, you can play; you can manipulate him/her, push his/her limits or let him/her step over them. That’s different from commanding or ordering, though it might look the same from the outside. Okay, it’s intense, it requires attentiveness, flexibility and a very good communication, but it’ll pay you back. BDSM like this is an advanced way of being interested in each other, get to know each other at every level, even the deeper, to play with one another.
  Believe me, this isn’t a One-Way street. You will get to know your sub, but he/she will get to know you as well. This makes your sub able to try to influence you, challenge you until you are dancing together, tasting the field of power exchange, visualising it all. That’s what lifts up Dominance from the packing look of instructing and commands.
  Manipulation and mind playing is best done by heart. That’s the power of a good Dominant. I dislike the word experienced, for it’s a worthless word. Experience has nothing to do with quality. You can do something by heart, without experience, that will never be matched again. (Even Dominants can surrender, although they do it in a different way subs do.)
  Another comparison: Imagine a nice piece of wood. You need some technical knowledge to shape it without damaging it, make it worthless. But technical knowledge isn’t all there is. Technical knowledge on its own will leave you with a cut piece of wood, nothing more. Imagine piece of wood, shaped by heart, with a little technical knowledge, enough to know how to handle a knife without hurting yourself, you can get a nice piece of art. It shows you worked at it by heart. Of course you will get experienced after a while, which enables you to get the best from a maimed, bent piece of wood. But it will be made by love, not by technical knowledge.

The Process Of Selection
Article 9 of 12 Author: Master Eso © 2004 
http://www.leathernroses.com/eso/esoselection.htm
  There is a general nostalgic and romantic conception amongst Masters and slaves. It is the conception of Masters going to a slave market, and select a slave, or bid for a slave on auction, after briefly inspecting them. The selection of slaves here is made almost purely on physical aspects and appearance.
  While this might be an ancient tradition, nostalgic and even romantic, it is a great misconception in modern day consensual slavery. A misconception so big that it leaves many slaves, Masterless as a result.
  It is indeed the slave who first goes through the selection progress, of carefully selecting a suitable Master for her.
  Yes, I know, this sounds absurd and upside down, but this is the way it has to be.
  The process of selection is not unlike finding employment. The employee (slave) first matches her basic skills, capabilities, and experience with those required by an employer (Master). Once a suitable employer (Master) has been located, the employee (slave) now proceeds in applying (slave petition) for the employment. After an application (slave petition) has been received by an employer (Master), the employer (Master) now proceeds to select the most suitable applicants (slaves), for an interview, and eventually hires (collars) those, that match the employers (Master) requirements, needs and wants.
  As unromantically as it sounds, the slave is initially the only one who can properly judge if she can meet, fulfill and serve a Masters requirements, needs and wants, and match it against her own desires.
  Think about it realistically. With all the demands, requirements and expectations a Master has on a slave within an Absolute Slavery, APE or TPE commitment, it is imperative that a slave initially ensures herself that she can meet what is asked of her, without even being influenced by a Master in any way or form.
  No Master, no matter how experienced or God-like can initially make the needed judgments better then the slave herself.
  Once a Master has been located who service requirements match the desires and capabilities of the aspiring slave, she must now start the most important task, to examine the potential Masters values, principles, standards, morals, ethics and beliefs and contemplate in all seriousness if she truly can serve the Master, absolutely and unconditional.
  The importance of the examination of character and values of a potential Master cannot be overstated, as a slaves live, health and wellbeing, might very well depend upon it.
  A slave needs to be aware that in Absolute Slavery, or Absolute and Total Power Exchange, the Master has the right to change, alter, or modify his service requirements and expectations, at any time, for any reason, and at the Masters sole discretion.
  A Masters values, character, principles, perceptions, etc. are therefore a must important consideration, as they do not change as easily as service requirements or kink.
  Here are a few steps that might help the slaves in their process of selection:
Be aware of your own desires, needs and dreams and write them down.
Make a list of characteristics, values, principles and conditions that you consider most important in a Master.
Make a list of characteristics and conditions that you consider undesirable in a Master.
Write down possible scenarios of a Master slave commitment, that would be acceptable or desirable to you.
Be aware and write down what you have or can offer a Master.
Take the most important points from the previous lists, and write them together as a summary.
  The summary should now honestly reflect exactly who you are, what your desires, needs and dreams are, and what kind of commitment and Master you are looking for.
  Now go and find a Master that matches with your needs and desires, and once you found such Master, do not hesitate for one moment, to petition for service to the Master, and hope that the Master now in turn will chose to get to know you and ultimately will select you as his slave from the petitions he receives.
  Don't be afraid of rejection. It is not only a process of selection, but also a process of elimination. If a Master chooses not to accept you as his slave, it might indeed be a good thing. A Master too, does know what he needs and desires. And if it doesn't fit for the Master or the slave, there is little point of trying to force it.

The Younger Side
By Traci Duncan 
http://www.bdsmcircle.net/dslifestyle/theyoungerside.htm
  BDSM is an ever growing society. Even today, there are some well established groups that publically hold conventions and gatherings for others with the same interests. But there are even more out there that are part of the "younger generation." These young people, including myself, have been drawn in for many reasons.
  The young people can be drawn in by many means. One is through the internet itself. Let's face it, teens get bored and randomly search for things via Google. I admit to doing this as well. These younger people see something like BDSM and see that in some minor way, it relates to them. The only problem is a good portion of them don't read on to see what its like, or do more research by looking up people who are actually in the lifestyle. They toss themselves in, head first, and end up doing some really stupid things.
  Another mean of drawing in the younger crowd is by just hearing a friend or some older person talk about it. That's how I was drawn into the community. But I wasn't like some of the others, I did my research to find out specifically what I would like and to specifically know what I was getting into. The only real problem is that someone who does this, might be pulled in by a desperate Dom seeking a new sub for their control. This Dom (which everyone knows exists so don't deny it) makes BDSM sound like its perfect for the person then just makes the subs life a living hell.
  This hasn't been a problem for me. I was drawn in when an online gaming friend of mine got asked why he always capitalized things like me and my. I immediately went to his defense and he later told me he was into BDSM. I was a curious 18 year old so I looked up the wiki and a few other sites and found that it actually somewhat help define who I was. Sure, I have some training to do about taking orders but it still helps me define who I am and what I'm like. I don't mind being in this lifestyle at all. The only bad thing really is that I can't vocalize exactly what I am for fear of ridicule. But I still am glad to have found it.     
  That is just one story from a younger generation person. I have one other story. This one is derived straight from my very own Master.
  "I discovered BDSM when I was 18 or 19. My girlfriend at the time would always defer to me for any decisions, always wanted to do things for me, and I naturally assumed the role of a Dom. As we started getting more involved in this, we decided to research and find out more about BDSM. The first, and most important thing I learned was that even though a lot of people are in BDSM relationships or lifestyles, every situation is unique. What works for one couple may not work for another. You can break that down even further and say that one person's style may not suit another."
~Master Wolfy
  I agree with what my Master has said. I am different because being a slave has made life for me so much easier. I turn to my Master for most decisions but he does allow me to make decisions of my own. And that's what I want. We both made sure to do our research before making the plunge into something that could potentially harm us, both mentally and physically. I live this life because its who I am and being a slave is only part of it. I am happy to wear the collar that's around my neck and have his ring on my left hand.
  In conclusion, the younger generation is starting to find BDSM interesting. A portion of them will most likely see or hear something about it then just plunge right in. Others, like my Master and myself, will do research on not only themselves but the Dom as well. Here are a few other words from my Master.
  "The problem comes in when two incompatible styles get too far into things. A submissive who does not enjoy pain will not like being with a sadistic Dominant. There's nothing wrong with either one, but a lot of times I've seen that the submissive will still stay with their Dom because they feel like they have to. This leads to abuse and a very unhappy situation."
  However, there is also a learning period that must take place, and this is where the generation gap comes into play. Those of experience have likely been around BDSM for a long time. They know who they are, what they like and dislike, and what they're looking for. They know that if they find a Dom that does not suit them, that they can simply end things amiably and move on in their search. Most in the younger generation seem to feel that if they find a Dom they have to be with them no matter what. They have no idea what they want or what they're getting into, they just feel that as a sub they need to stay with their Dom "just because it's BDSM."
  What is above is just a further explanation of what happens sometimes when someone who doesn't do any real research. Like I've said before, I felt smart when I did research on not only the lifestyle itself but my Master. And I couldn't have been happier with the results.    
  This is just an opinion of a Master and his slave. And below is a message for any younger generation practitioners.
   As a message to those of the younger generation: Shop around. Do your research about not only BDSM, but your potential Dom. Find out as much as you can before you make that commitment. Find out what you like and dislike, and find that Dom that suits you. You'll know when you find it. My Traci certainly knew when she found me. :)
Traci Cournoyer and Master Wolfy

"Negotiation 101" - by Michael Decker
Reprint from "TASTE OF LATEX" #6
http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/deckneg.html
"Why should I talk about it when I just want to do it?"
  Often sexuality is confusing - we feel frustrated and don't get what we want.
  Sometimes we feel abused and our ability to trust falters, we question the quality of our relationships.
  Negotiation can help. It is asking for what you want - in a format designed to assist you in getting it. Pretty hot, huh?
  The purpose of negotiation is to figure out what two or more people want to do together, make agreements, and form a plan to achieve goals. This requires clear communication. This is win-win, not adversarial, negotiation. Keep talking until all parties find a balance between selfishly serving one's own needs, and unselfishly providing for someone else's needs.  
First though, determine what it is you want to experience, and then communicate that, articulately, to another. You must be ruthlessly honest about your likes and dislikes and truthful about how far you're willing to push yourself to find out who you are. Trying something new is risky, but discovering what does not work for you should be just as valuable as finding out what does.
  Practicing negotiating will enable you to more accurately access prospective partner's intentions, avoid risky situations, and choose actions that will meet your needs. Don't be afraid to open negotiation with someone who interests you. Often, the reputation that precedes a person is bigger and scarier than they are, or is simply inaccurate.
  Take time to insure that all players involved understands what's expected of them and what they are agreeing to do. Always assume a "no" response if there is any doubt or hesitancy. Do not start until a clear, non-coerced "yes" is received.
  During negotiation all players must have equal power to say no, as well as yes, to everything. None of the negotiators should feel they have to live up to anyone else's expectations. This can be difficult if you prefer to be submissive, but assertively choosing allows you to find out what works for you, so you can spend more time doing what turns you on.
  When negotiating an encounter with someone new to sexual exploration or new to you, it's helpful to know why they have an interest in the specific area of exploration. What is underlying their desire to play? Is it something they saw on television? Is it a childhood abuse issue? What's their emotional history?
  Some responsible physical questions to ask: Do they wear contact lenses? Are they epileptic? Do they have a bad back? Are they on medication of any kind? Asking such questions helps you make knowledgeable assessments of risk. If a person has a trick back, it doesn't mean you should automatically shy away from anything that might endanger it. It means you must assess the risks and accept or reject them, or choose ways to reduce them.
  Negotiation typically includes an agreement to use one or more "safewords", words that allow a participant to alter or to stop an encounter in progress.
  It is preferred to choose an uncommon word that will mean "whatever I say next, I want you to pay attention to and respect." It shouldn't be a word that might come up in the course of a scene, such as "no," "stop" or "mercy", etc. Use the names of colors, green (continue), yellow (caution), and red (stop) for instance. I like to use "safeword," it's easy to remember and the meaning is perfectly clear. If one of the participants cannot speak - either from a disability or because she/he is gagged - or if the encounter calls for discretion, use a body movement signal or have the partner hold something which, when dropped, means stop. If any participant wants to change the agreement during the encounter, she/he can use a "safeword" to fine tune the scene. The encounter must stop and negotiations resume to reestablish agreement.
  Here's an example of pre-scene negotiating. This partner, liked to write so she wouldn't forget anything important. This was her format:
  "Physical Considerations: 1. Slight upset stomach - no upside down, bent over tight, or tight restraints around my waist, please, at least for a couple of hours. 2. Slight stiff neck/shoulder, right side. 3. Shaving cut in folds of skin of outer labia will need to be bandaged prior to any frictional activities.
  Emotional Considerations: I had a rough day. Please no heavy humiliation/mindfuck.
  Personal Considerations: None, but it's nice to be back!
Requests/Suggestions:
1. Practice with rechargeable vibrator.
2. Flogging (mainly shoulders, maybe feet?)"
  Her communication was clear, simple, and to the point. It left a lot of room to negotiate my agenda and told me about her well-being and desires, a good opening to pre-scene negotiations.
  What should you do when a scene or encounter stops working for your partner and they use their safeword, followed by a few lines saying what's wrong? First, listen to them. Don't add anything to their communication. Follow their instructions.
  The problem may be simple, e.g. "Safeword, my hands are going numb. Would you please loosen their bindings?" or "Safeword, my leg is cramping. May I please have my position changed?" All you have to do is grant the request to get the scene back on track.
  Sometimes the problems are a bit more complex, e.g. "Safeword, I feel like a little kid and I'm frightened," followed by crying and emotional withdrawal.
  Again - you need to first listen. You may have accidentally activated a childhood memory or trauma - a fairly common event when engaged in sexual exploration. In this example, if you were playing with unequal power, drop the roles and speak to your partner as an equal. Ask "What do you need right now?"
  Be attentive but neutral and don't try to modify or prevent the experience. Calmly change the setting, release your partner from any restraint and lead him/her to a neutral environment, e.g., move from the dungeon to the living room and let your partner find a comfortable position. Then, again calmly, ask "Can you tell me what you need?" It may be to be cuddled & held, or not to be touched at all. It may to be left alone to figure it all out. Your partner may need some time to tell you what she/he needs. Be patient. This is when your love needs to be greater than your ego.
  By letting your partner deal with the experience, and not compounding it, you'll help her/him grow through it and let go of it. However simple or complex the issue, listening is the key to avoiding a repeat. Pay attention to the things that don't work for your partner so you can both spend more time doing the things that do work. When you are confused and uncomfortable and don't know what to say, say that. Don't stop communicating. You may find the answers in your listening.
  Scenes or encounters usually end with support, cuddling, and loving, but this too is subject to negotiation. Some people just don't want support at the end of their scene, or cuddling, it doesn't work with their fantasies. An after encounter discussion is always a good idea: "What worked? What didn't work? What should be avoided? What should be embellished? Get all the information you need to continue the sexual relationship and set boundaries.
  The negotiation skills taught here work equally well with any consenting adult sexual practice, from main stream straight to even the most bizarre fetishes and fantasies. Whether you are haggling over the price of a new sex toy, negotiating the finer points of oral sex, trying to borrow your best friend's leather jacket, requesting which piece of lingerie you want your lover to wear or screaming "Don't stop I'm almost there!", negotiating will get you more of what you want. Your self-image will strengthen and you will become more effective.
  Now, tell the truth, did you ever expect self-gratification to be so simple and easy?

BLIND FAITH
http://www.steel-door.com/blind_faith.htm
BLIND: To conceal or to put something forward for the purpose of misleading. Subterfuge. One who acts to the point of insensibility.
FAITH: To trust, give allegiance or loyalty to another. Fidelity to one's promises. Or, a firm belief in something for which there is no proof. It can also mean to offer a binding promise. 
  There is a method of attacking a submissive by asking that submissive to accept things on 'blind faith'. This often means that a person is asking a submissive/slave to withdraw rational forethought and offer trust without any measure of that trust being earned first. This type of request can be the first move of a predator. Usually the submissive is lifestyle new and may believe that 'belief' is mandatory merely upon someone's word or identification of themselves as a Dominant, a Master or a Mistress.
  There are those who seek to promote what they call 'blind faith tests'. This type of pre-interview asks for significant information about the submissive while the presenter of the test remains completely hidden. This testing is presented in such a manner as to persuade or pressure the submissive into compliance as a 'demonstration' of their 'true' submissive or slave nature.
  It is a way of turning a submissives 'desire to perform' against them. There is no negotiation during this type of offering, the entirety of it is one sided or leading. A new submissive can easily be enticed into completing and following this pathway of tests often giving out personal information that if they were asked directly they would not answer. There is a subtle desire to 'do this test well' for this apparent Dominant. There is often additional pressure applied through stressed time frames for the completion of each test. This additional pressure may make the submissive feel desired but most often pushes them into revealing life details that they should not reveal to a total stranger.
  It is important here to remember that first contacts are with total strangers. The usage of 'testing' immediately is a warning sign. A healthy Dominant or one without hidden issues or secrets will not need to know every detail of a submissive or slaves life immediately. They will be more interested in the submissives personality, reactions, and interactions with them. Simple chemistry. Open natural conversations tend to reveal and answer most questions easily.
  Many Dominants use questionnaires when and if a relationship shows some potentials of going further. These questionnaires may be to evaluate the level of knowledge that a submissive may have about themselves and the lifestyle. These questionnaires have become more popular with the onset of the Internet. Most Dominants using such questionnaires will remain open to answering questions themselves and use them as simply another tool. If a submissive is uncomfortable with any type of questionnaire it is usually not an important issue. When the flow of information is strictly one way the submissive should back away from the person directing the flow. A submissive is at personal risk both physically, mentally and emotionally. A predator takes the time to learn what issues will trigger a submissive, how to speak to them and how to assault them. Trust is not given to anyone sporting a Dominant sounding name on the Internet. Trust is earned through significant consistent actions by that Dominant over a period of time. If a Dominant cannot offer any kind of references or information about themselves then a submissive should not give to that person any level of blind faith or trust!

IS D/s UNHEALTHY?
by DurLlwyd - version 1.0 http://www.domsub.info/unhealthy.shtml
I write this knowing full well I am, as they say, 'preaching to the choir.' I suspect those who would take the time to read this already view D/s as a 'healthy' lifestyle. I also doubt that any article or writing will sway those who condemn Lifestyle D/s. In the end, this article basically amounts to 'venting.' Venting as a result of having to justify myself one too many times to the well meaning but sometimes disapproving majority.
 Those outside of the lifestyle will often suggest that any authority shift between people is 'unhealthy.' The most common reasons sited are:
1) Being in such a relationship is, in essence, giving up an individual's right to self-determination, and;
2) Being in a D/s relationship somehow weakens the submissive. On the Dominant side, the most common theme of complaint is the premise that it is 'unhealthy' for anyone to seek power over another.
 Relating to the first point, it is interesting to note that those who insist an individual must be free to make their own choices will, in the same breath, deny that same individual the right to live the lifestyle of their choosing. If a person must be free to make their own choices, why can they not choose to live a D/s lifestyle? Critics attempt to avoid this hypocrisy by suggesting that anyone choosing a D/s lifestyle is 'damaged' and only does so out of injury and ignorance. This is a redirection argument that dodges the question of why they believe D/s to be 'bad' in the first place.
 To meaningfully address the concern over 'self-determination' we have to identify the reasons a person may consider this a problem. The answer is usually connected with the idea of personal rights-specifically the assumption that it is 'wrong' to elect to give up any right for any reason.
 The problem with this view is that it denies a person the 'right' to construct the environment they feel best suits their own wants and needs. The position that others are somehow 'wrong' to voluntarily yield rights denies them the authority for 'self-determination.' It becomes an issue of moral perspective to suggest a person does not have the 'right' to give up a 'right.' Because it becomes a moral debate, there is no way to continue a rational discussion on that specific point. The best we can do with differences in moral perspective is agree to disagree.
 To shift to more pragmatic issues, it may be helpful to use an example: When a person places money in a mutual fund they give up the right to personally select all the ways their money is invested. A person has full control of which fund (if any) they choose to place their money into, but once the money is in a fund, specific investment decisions are made by the fund manager. By placing money into the fund, they have given up a certain level of control in order to gain the advantage of the fund manager's judgment.
 It is not in anyone's best interest to always make all their own decisions; this is why we often defer to the judgment of doctors, lawyers, mechanics, and other specialists. I am hoping that at this point it can be conceded that there are circumstances where any person would not only benefit, but would also prefer, to have another make specific decisions for them.
 A submissive is making an analogous choice-they are choosing to defer to the judgment of someone they trust. They may make this choice for a wide range of reasons, which may include but are not limited any of the following:
 The submissive may be better suited and more comfortable as a front-line worker than as a manager. The skills needed for managing are not the same skills needed for performing labor directly. Somehow, people have gotten it into their heads that everyone makes a good manager, which just isn't so. It may help to look at this in the context of another example, such as the film industry. Not every great actor is a great director, and not every great director is a great actor; people are just gifted with different skills.
 The submissive may feel (justifiably) that the Dominant will make better choices then they might make themselves. It is not to anyone's discredit to suggest that there is someone in the world who might be able to make better choices then we can make ourselves (as was evidenced in the previous examples of medical doctors and mechanics). This is not some unrealistic belief that the decision maker will always be correct, but rather supposes that over a given length of time, the elected decision maker may average better choices.
 The submissive may simply prefer to not be in the role of primary decision-maker. History is filled with the stories of remarkable people who preferred to be the right hand of the king rather then the king himself. This is not a sign of weakness or unwillingness to accept the outcome of decisions. As an example of an entire culture that reflected these ideals, the samurai of feudal Japan were fiercely capable people who idealized and honored the role of loyal service (in fact, the word 'samurai' means 'servant').
 The second point expressed by some is that D/s 'weakens' the submissive. The argument generally suggests that the submissive might cease to be able to care for themselves as a result relaying on the Dominant. There is a certain irony to this line of thinking when you consider it is the submissive that often takes care of most of the day-to-day affairs. Perhaps it would be more realistic to suggest that the Dominant may become dependent on the submissive! The other side of this argument, which at least has some logic, is the concern the submissive will loose the ability to manage affairs in a big-picture context.
 The failure of this argument is that it assumes the only way to learn is by trial and error. Rather, it is often better to learn by watching someone who is already skilled at a given task. If the people who hold to this argument would take the time to really get to know those who have been in the lifestyle for extended periods of time, they would find that in general, submissives learn a great deal about such skills as a result of watching their Dominants. However, just because they have learned these skills still doesn't mean it is what they prefer to do.
 Another point that needs to be addressed is the position that a submissive might become 'too dependent' on the Dominant. The first issue here is that 'too dependent' is a completely subjective term. What is really being said is that the person may be more dependent on the Dominant then the critic is comfortable with. This does not mean that anyone involved in the relationship is uncomfortable with the arrangement. It seems to me, it is the people involved who should be the judge of what is too much.
 Also, those putting forth this argument are using the term 'dependent' a bit loosely. In a very real sense I am 'dependent' on the farmers who grow the food that I eat, but no one seems to be very concerned about it. I am also 'dependent' on the doctors who treat me when I am ill. Again, no one seems very concerned. The reason no one is concerned is because no one expects farmers to quit growing food, nor doctors to stop treating the sick. Reliability and replacibility are the underlying concerns. The unspoken accusation is that the Dominant may be unreliable and it is therefore wrong to depend on them. Personally, as a Dominant, I find this offensive. In the world of vanilla culture, maybe honor is a forgotten word, but my experience shows me it is still remembered in the D/s culture. Secondly, who ever said that a Dominant wasn't replaceable? Again, this is an accusation based in a lack of understanding. The preconceived negativity of the pundits is really the only issue.
 Those who would damn a submissive for choosing a role of service do so out of the fear that the choice somehow reflects on them. They seem unable to come to terms with the idea that each person can make a different choice without any singular choice being the 'correct' one. These critics appear threatened by the mere existence of such a choice.
 On the other side of the coin are those who would fault a Dominant for wanting to be in the role of authority. Again, there is a certain hypocrisy in the argument that would dictate that others may not accept a position of authority that another has consensually given to them.
 There are many arguments put forth as to why it is 'bad' for a Dominant to seek authority over a submissive. Some are simply based in ignorance, some on social convention, and yet others are more instinctual. In regard to ignorance, I don't suppose this or any article will be adequate to educate someone on all the intricacies of the D/s lifestyle. As for social conventions, well they are just that - conventions. Conventions are no more then 'how things are normally done' within a given group, and we have already conceded that D/s is outside of the norm. Just because something is different doesn't make it wrong.
 Perhaps the most meaningful discussion that can be had relates to the natural tendency to distrust those who seek power or authority. However, just because there is a natural tendency for concern, does not mean that concern is justified. To determine if this concern is applicable to D/s it is necessary to look at its cause.
 At the risk of starting an entirely different debate, it is helpful to touch on an idea from evolutionary psychology. In a limited-resource (competitive) system there is a tendency to perceive any increase in 'power' in others as a threat. As the 'power' goes up for one, it must therefore go down for another, at least on a relative scale. To give an example, if one hunter improves his skill, it reduces the likelihood of other hunters being successful because the successful hunter will kill more of the available food. As a result of this dynamic, there is a natural knee-jerk negative reaction to other people striving to increase their own power or authority.
 There is another aspect to this equation, however-in this case, the Dominant is not taking resources from the common pool; they are specifically taking authority over the submissive, not over the population in general. Secondly, they are doing this at the request of the submissive. And as was discussed above, very possibly this is to the benefit of the submissive.
 It is also relevant to consider while it is natural for people to have a reaction against others increasing their power or authority, it is also natural for people to build power structures and alliances. In a very real sense, the joining of a submissive and Dominant is the coupling of different but complimentary skill sets that benefits both parties. Each person fills the role for which they are best suited and as a team they net a better result for the group. Functionally, this breaks down to alliances and the specialization of labor, which are not usually regarded as negative concepts.
 As strange as it may seem to some folks, it is possible for someone to seek power and/or authority without malicious intent. Those who are quick to speak of why an interest in a dominant role is 'bad' tend to leave out the fact that most Dominants enjoy caring for and protecting their submissive. The assumption that a Dominant could only enjoy their role for disreputable reasons is nothing more then a display of prejudice. 
 In the end, it all comes down to what an individual wants. If a person chooses to live a D/s lifestyle, it is a deeply personal choice that is likely the result of much soul-searching. There have always been and always will be, those who will insist on seeing what they do not understand in a negative light.

 http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/regression/advanced-baby.htm
This article is published in the book:
"Psych 101 - What you didn't learn in nursing school."
by Kathi Stringer
Paperback: 320 pages
ISBN-13: 978-0615193137
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Section: Infantilist Support
The Advanced Baby
Written by Kathi Stringer March 22, 2006
[Rev 1 April 19, 2006]
"Written by Kathi Stringer and may be reproduced and/or distributed on websites, and/or for personal use with the author's names and credits attached."
 Imagine, in a world…. that for a few, age is timeless and innocence is for everyone that lives it, and growing up means growing smarter while daydreaming they are still in Carters.  They can present with vestiges of adult maturity, while cloaking their infantile true self in the guise of adulthood.  They may manage companies, formulate cooperate takeovers, and wheel the power to eliminate a division of executives.  They may find themselves excelling to the top levels of their class, brainstorming ingenious formularies, or in the center of the party.  They are frequently intelligent, progressive thinkers, spontaneous and creative.  They can be found in classified and sensitive high-level operations within government, and all the while it is just a masque of a highly developed intellectual child.  If you can imagine this, then hang onto your hat and get ready for a run around the Mulberry bush because it is quite possible that you’ve stumbled onto the elusive world of the advanced baby.
Ask yourself:
Do you like snuggling up with a baby blanket or stuff toy?
Do you bond with child-like friends with games like tinker-toys while cartoons are playing in the background?
Do you feel like you cannot identify with the “A-word” – ‘adult?’
Do you like the baby-doll fashions, cartoonish clothes, or coloring in coloring books?
Do you sometimes wear diapers and drink from a baby bottle as part of your identity?
Do you feel comfort, loved and a sense of well-being from infantile associations of objects or play?
Have you felt this way all your life and thought you were the only one?
 If you can answer yes to most of the questions above, you may be an advanced baby, or suspect someone that is.
Introduction to the Advanced Baby – A Life-style
 Just before the dawn of the new century, when Y2K was the hype, the term “Advanced baby” was coined to describe a life-style of infantilized persons.  These individuals for the most part enjoy the grownup advantages of playing with computers and other high-tech gadgets with autonomy (= advanced), yet emotionally they still cling to infantile objects for security and comfort (= baby). Phenomenon of the New Age?
 Perhaps the phenomenon of the advanced baby is part of a larger spectrum that includes other groups of child-like individuals.   Christopher Noxon, a writer for the New York Times, made a splash in the news circles after he articulated the occurrence of new terms in is editorial,  “I Don’t Want To Grow Up.”  [1] In his article he uses terms,
 “Kidults, adultescents, or rejuveniles - call them what you will - the trend for immaturity is every-where. It has become unfashionable to be mature.”
 Noxon continued with an interview of Frank Furendi, a professor of sociology at the University of Kent at Canterbury in England.  Noxon writes that Mr Furendi speculates that “adulthood as lost its appeal.”  Noxon writes further;
 "Mr. Furendi began researching what he calls 'the self-conscious cultivation of immaturity' after spotting college students watching 'Teletubbies' in a university bar. The scene stuck in his mind, and he came to think of it as representative of a wave of infantilism sweeping Britain and beyond.”
 Noxon’s article caught-on and the mainstream of writers spurred further observation and speculation.  Ian Shoales writes about the  “World’s Oldest Preteens” [2] that toymakers are targeting consumers that are buying products for made for persons half their age. Indeed, manufactures are considering another market for the infantile buyers.  And, Trina Rea’s article, “The Search of Eternal Youth,” [3] discusses 35-year-olds that are looking to escape financial demands in life by the attractiveness of regression.  She writes, “Is anyone surprised that they just refuse to grow up and are happy to regress back to childhood delights?”
 Rea indicates that it’s big bucks for toy-makers and even publishers are jumping on the bandwagon and catering to “Children's Books for Adults...Indulging rejuveniles - or kidults, as some are calling them. ”
 Siobhan McAndrew, from the Reno Gazette-Journal in her article I am a Gen-Xer suffering from Peterpandemonium, [4] writes,
"Others describe this back-to-babyhood boon as Peterpandemonium, Kidults and Adultolescents.”
 McAndrew indicates that is becoming a fad to wear knee-high socks and wear Strawberry Shortcake footed pajamas that now come in adult sizes.  She echoes the New York Times that “Rejuveniles are not are not “stunted adolescents.” They have “busy lives with adult responsibilities and respectable jobs.”
Jessica Gresko, A Spectator Associate News Editor titled her article, Stuffed Animal Attachments Carry Over into College Years. [6] Gresko writes about Andrea Herbst who admits bringing her teddy bear to college.
"Dydee," she got him when she was one year old.  "He came with the diapers from the diaper company," she said. "He has been with me everywhere. I took him to Germany when I was seven. He came to England when I spent the year there between high school and college."
 Truly, we live in an age that older consumers are buying candy pacifiers, happy meals, and, according to Suzanne Fields author of Revisiting the itsy bitsy spider, [7] they “don't want to leave their childhoods because they prefer innocence to edginess.”
Advanced Babies and Defragmentation
 The genesis of advance babies closely resembles their formation from the term “True Infantilism.” [8] For most of their lives these individuals have had difficulty growing-up in the conventional views of adults.  The advanced baby is not characteristic of being libidinally mature in adult relationships, nor are they indicative of even understanding themselves.  Due to the unavailable information, it is an intangible-given that many appear to live in a world split by the “adult vs. baby” dichotomy.   However, there is a conceptualization of a life without this dichotomy through a dialectical synthesis.  Meaning a synthesis (= integrating the adult vs. baby) can reduce internal fragmentation to become a lifestyle to help an individual from completely giving in to regressive behaviors.  The pseudo-adult and baby are defragmented and reflective of the true self. 
A Look at Transitional Objects – Not a Fetish, Costumes or Props
 An excerpt from the essay True Infantilism [8] states,  “A person may view true infantilism mistakenly for a fetish.  There is a stark difference since the desire for the object occurred before puberty.  For example, the diaper [or other object(s)] may be regarded as a symbolic formation to ward of insecurities and becomes a transitional object for a child.  In strivings toward independence personality fragments may fuse with objects that represent nurturing.  It appears to provide a sense of control for the child to revisit a period that is widely accepted in our culture as nurturing.  The energized transitional object offers relief from separation anxieties from the maternal figure and/or provides a sense of recreation of a period lost in grief.”  
 Transitional objects can carry over into adulthood and are often times not the original object.  Glen O. Gabbard, the flagship author for the American Psychiatric Association indicates “Pills may function as transitional objects for some patients, allowing them to maintain some sense of connectedness with their psychiatrists when seeing them quite infrequently.  Touching or looking at the pill may have a soothing effect on the patient.”
Advanced Baby – Self Identification
 They’ve been this way most of their life from earliest memories. The concept of advanced baby is a lifestyle and is similar to the intellectual Peanuts character Linus carrying around his security blanket (term security blanket inspired by Linus Van Pelt) [10].  These behaviors are not viewed primarily as something to be practiced or a fetish.  There is an important distinction to be made.  There are many fetish and perversion sites on the Internet that assume to construct a comprehensive umbrella that state most regressed individuals fit into a their criteria using an alphabetical soup of acronyms.  By making these blanket assertions, an individual is pigeonholed into a group with a range of behaviors that often appalls the listener (= countertransference problems).  Often times, the infantile individual is horrified by the assumed associations and has no place to reference knowledge for treaters, family, spouses and friends.  It’s also problematic because it is not uncommon that an individual may wrongfully identify their personas with the contemporary slang on the Internet because they are not able to articulate it differently and nothing else is available. For these reasons, this essay on advanced baby has offered another option for self-determination and self-identification.
References:
1.   Noxon, Christopher (Aug. 31, 2003), I Don't Want to Grow Up!, New York Times. Extracted March 22, 2006, http://www.christophernoxon.com/nyt_sub_rejuveniles.html Mirrored: http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/regression/notgrowup.htm 
2.  Ian Shoales (January 1, 2004) World's Oldest Preteens, Intelligent Enterprise Magazine, Extracted March 22, 2006
http://www.iemagazine.com/040101/701ddw1_1.jhtml?_loopback=1
Mirrored: http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/regression/youth.htm 3.  Trina Rea, (December 19, 2003), The Search for Eternal Youth, Europe Intelligence Wire. Extracted March 22, 2006, http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/regression/youth.htm
4. Siobhan McAndrew (October 11, 2003), I am a Gen-Xer Suffering from Peterpandemonium, Reno Gazette-Journal. Extracted March 22, 2006, http://www.rgj.com/news/stories/html/2003/10/11/53893.php
Mirrored: http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/regression/peterpandemonium.htm 5.  Rejuveniles (2003-2004), Extracted from Kathi’s Mental Health Review, Extracted March 22, 2006, http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/regression/rejuveniles.htm 6. Jessica Gresko (November 14, 2002), Stuffed Animal Attachments Carry Over into College Years, The Columbia Spectator.  Extracted March 22, 2006 Here
Mirrored: http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/regression/attachments.htm
7. Suzanne Fields (September 4, 2003),  Revisiting the Itsy Bitsy Spider, Townhall.com. Extracted March 22, 2006,  Here
Mirrored: http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/regression/fields.htm
8.  Kathi Stringer (2002), True Infantilism, Kathi’s Mental Health Review
Extracted March 22, 2006 http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/regression/infantilism.htm
9.  Glen O. Gabbard (1998) Psychodynamic Psychiatry in Clinical Practice, THE DSM-IV Edition, pp. 141
10.  Charles Schulz (September 19, 1952), Linus, Meet the Gang.com 
Extracted March 22, 2006, http://www.snoopy.com/comics/peanuts/meet_the_gang/meet_linus.html11. Pictures for the advanced baby essay extracted from: http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/regression/advanced-baby-pictures.htm "Written by Kathi Stringer and may be reproduced and/or distributed on websites, and/or for personal use with the author's names and credits attached."