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 there are some things i've learned about myself lately that i would like to share.  first of all many people say BDSM isn't about sex and while i agree with them i have a little twist on it as far as i'm concerned.  for me,  scening and sex are similar in the sense that with both i need to have what i will call a spiritual connection with who i'm doing either one with. if not, all it does is bring to surface what it is i'm missing in my life.  i've discovered i have no problems at all with doing what i call demos.  that would be, again, at least for me, where i'm using it as a learning tool in order to discover is this something i would enjoy,  could i see it as being pleasurable and erotic. such as trying out a new whip or flogger. i have no need with that type of situation for there to necessarily be a connection.  a trust definitely...but not a connection.  for me to scene with someone is differrent all together.  i want, need, thrive on that spiritual connection with the other person. but i also need to know or have some type of idea where that connection is leading to.  i don't want mixed signals,  if all its leading to is friendship,  playing partner type thing...thats fine.  if it could lead to a deeper relationship,  one where i could eventually surrender myself to that person...thats awesome, that's what i'm looking for mainly.  leading to a friendship is fine,  is good...and sometimes having that helps to free you and open you up to finding an even deeper relationship that will lead to the D/s side you crave.  but with this spiritual connection there seems to be an even bigger need to be honest with both yourself and the other person. you also need to try to keep things in perspective so that one or the other won't take things to have a deeper meaning where there isn't any.  keeping things in perspective is really hard to do and sometimes is a daily task or it can get away from you.

'm not looking for an online cyber relationship.  i need real life, i need to feel the sting of a flogger, the caress of his hands on me.

sighs,  not even noon yet and already i got called a player.  talked to a guy from another country online for a few days and already he was so sure we're perfect for each other.  sight unseen.  seems a nice guy but he was "falling" to quickly for me.  i would have continued talking with him, since he says he comes to US quite often but it concerns me when people are so sure the other person is so right for them when they haven't even met face to face yet.  i understand you can feel a connection to people online, and to many i do. we seem to understand each other.  but i can't see submitting to someone online,  at least for myself.

i want, need someone  that can come to Capex meetings with me,  that can do things with my friends along with me.  that can pop in and surprise me. that i can spend time with

he had asked me a wrong question. well a right one but with the wrong answer for him. he asked me if i really wanted a relationship, really wanted a Master.

my answer is yes, i do... and if i do why would i want to settle for someone that lives half way across the world, or settle for someone that isn't available to be in a relationship with.  by doing that would be defeating the purpose.  i use to get into relationships like that and a part of me i think did so to keep them at a safe distance.  it was safe to be in a relationship with someone that didn't live nearby, someone online because then i didn't have to deal with everyday stuff and face to face with them.  so in essence at those times i don't think i really wanted a relationship.

if i want a real life relationship with someone it HAS to be one thats face to face.  that we actually do things together.  to do things that might not be so "safe" any more... to actually be involved with a person and not just the screen online.  so if that makes me a player..... i'll wear that title proudly.

Master will You keep me safe?
will You guide me and teach me?
Master, will You be there for me?
will You laugh with me,
will You do things with me?
Master will You be the firm arms
that hold me, the firm
hand that spanks me when i do wrong?
Master will You show me
pleasures i've never known
before, stretch my limits, challenge me?
Master, will You be truthful to me
so i learn to trust?
will You promise
only to raise Your whip in pleasure
and not in anger?
Master, can W/we grow
and learn together building and
renewing O/our knowledge and understanding?
and O/our love and trust in E/each O/other?
Master, will You be honorable
and show compassion to A/all?
will You love me and cherish me,
talk to me, tell me
how to serve You,
don't keep me guessing?
Master, can You accept
my soul, my heart, my body
as Yours?

Master says, "Yes little one I can,"


little one, can you give Me your trust?
can you listen and allow Me to guide you?
little one, can you
honor me and be loyal and always
tell me the truth and what you are feeling?
little one, can you come
when I need you, make My life
happier, comfort Me, please Me?
little one, can you obey,
without question knowing
that I will not harm you
or steer you something wrong?
little one, can you give Me
your heart, your soul,
your body?

"Yes Master little one can and does."

little one wakes up from her dream and smiles
this was but a dream
but it is one she knows will
come true one day.
until then she will dream, she
will learn, she will wait.
when she is sad
she dreams her dream again, reminding
herself soon, soon little one,

soon your Master will come.

if your first email to me is of a sexual asking what i like to do sexually or things of that nature.  be warned you will not receive a response and will be instantly blocked.

geez whats with you guys,  since i put this up i've been called everything from a whore, to a bitch to being frigid.  lol 

what is wrong with someone that just wants to chat with people in general.  not wanting to get sexual unless we decide we're right for each other?  perhaps its just i know what i want,  i know what i need and to do online cyber stuff just doesn't do it for me.  we all have things that match with us.  some like one thing others like something else.  if we want relationships that work out, if thats what we're looking for.  those things matter.  core values matter.  if all you're looking for is a cyber one night stand....and nothing wrong with that. then why would either be happy if both aren't looking for the same thing?
why is it that some believe that just because you are on here you're interested and willing to chat to just anyone about sex? 

why is it that their first questions are well what are your limits and what do you like to do......meaning in sex or in this lifestyle?  before we've even gotten to know each other what difference does it make what my limits are and what i like to do. especially if all you're talking about is online. 

my answer to those is that my limits is no online playing.....i'm not interested in having an online dom, not interested in getting into any type of relationship but friendship and chatting online. 

i believe that in getting to know each other we find out thru conversation what each are interested in and their limits. but not before we even find out if we like each other as people first.

i also don't believe in "looking" for anything but good conversation and friends...if anything beyond that is to happen it will.  i don't need to look for it, it will find us.  don't you know that when you're looking for something its always in the last place we look,  sometimes its been under our noses the whole time.  i believe relationships are like that.  they come out of friendships first. as the friendship grows so do the feelings and the deepness of that friendship and that can turn into something bigger and better.  to me..."looking" seems like you're desperate and impatient and want things to happen instantly.  usually things like that don't last...when i find my Dom i want it to last, to grow.
i saw this in an article and felt that some of the "Dominants" and perhaps others even... could learn something from it.

Treat her as an equal and she will happily submit to your wishes. Why? Treating her as an equal shows that you're so confident in your masculinity that you're not threatened by a smart woman. And confidence is a huge turn-on. On the other hand, blatant sexism on your part will be interpreted as weakness and insecurity, which are the ultimate turnoffs for women.

i see You standing there so tall
half in light, half in darkness
is it You?
the One i've waited for?
time will tell,


will You adore me?
will You nurtue me?
will You love me?
will you discipline me when needed
will you help me grow
time will tell,


the excitment of feeling You're close
the ache to run into Your arms
the need to serve You
is it real?
is it coming true?
time will tell,


are You to be my Master?
am i to be Your sub?
will this thing grow?
will this be real?
time will tell,

ath 2000

this move to NC has been the best decision i've made. there is such a different outlook on life now and so many positive things happening.  i've met so many new people and made new friends and i look forward to whatever each day brings with excitement instead of fear and anxiety.
starting a new life for myself in a new area with new people.  i finally took that huge step and moved to NC.  i hated where i was in pa didn't know anyone and the area was bad.  i knew some people for years that were in this area of NC and decided to take that chance.  been here for not quite a month and already i know i made the right move.  i can feel the tension and the depression i was under leaving me.

now i'm concentrating on getting my business off the ground and getting settled here. i've also found a few great munch groups and have met more people in this area in the few weeks i've been here than the whole 4 years i was in pa. 

life is grand!!

He came upon the rose bush, limbs broken, vines choking it. but He saw a dream, saw a bud still trying to bloom saw it trying to survive, to grow, saw it fighting He nurtured it, fed it, showed it love

He took away the vines wrapped around it and set it free He tenderly touched it with his loving hands as each day He cared for it, watered it, fed it till one day He went to check on it His eyes afire like rays of sunlight!

He saw the beauty of a once tightly closed bud now blooming and showing in all it's glory the greens had grown stronger and it stood taller, it's blossoms now bursting with pride

the bush shook as it saw Him come near drifting down to His feet the most perfect bloom laid an offering in thanks for his love, care and nurturing

ath 2002

just a curiosity........why would someone get upset with you when you say no thanks not interested when your profile clearly states you're not looking at this time. there is a reason i'm not looking as right now i don't feel i can give all that is needed and i wish to wait until i'm able to give my all to the One that i click with...its not personal against anyone..its just right now i'm going thru a few medical problems that are healing and when they are healed then i will consider looking again. 
pet peeve...a supposed dominant telling me i will play with him because he's my Master and he said i will.  and that was right after are you... geez they don't even get to know your name 
wish some of the so called doms (won't even make that a cap as they don't deserve it) would be a bit more creative than having the first question out of their mouths....or in this case fingertips be something other than asking what size my tits are.

shrugs but i guess it does make it easier to weed out the wannabes