Year To Date.  Happy A.

Shhh

After bedtime trying to sleep, but monsters under the bed and in the closets waiting.  So very scared.  Yeah here comes the knight the King.  He will make the monsters go away.  When he is done, “shhhh it’s a secret…no one will understand”.  Alas the king is just another monster to contend with for the next 8 – 10 years.  

Waiting eager excited, a big decision.  Lil bit it’s more than just friends or nothing at all. Yes please more.  The sweetness, the heat, the first the curiosity settled – the afterglow. “Shhhh…it’s a secret.  Your family wouldn’t understand” she says.

First taste of freedom no more double life.  Excitement being an adult with all the self importance that goes with it.  The cockiness and “yes I know” phase. The other half that compliments to make a whole complete.  Going home late deep in the night.  Out of the dark the sound of flesh hitting flesh.  Honeymoon’s over.  “I am so sorry.  SSSShhhhh, it’s a secret.  No one will believe.”  And the cycle continues.

Done with all that.  Time for a rest.  What is the path to take?  A door opens.  Interesting, passionate – playing of the shadows and light.  Pleasure and pain as one.  Come join us and so the new journey begins.  “Shhh it’s a secret.  The vanilla won’t understand.” 

A new journey begins within a new world where the words - open communication, honesty, and trust – are the mottos – the creed.   Sitting at his feet happy being with the family – my new family.  “Shhhh wishbone it is a secret.  What happens between us is not told to your sisters.”  “Shhhh do not tell others that are like us for they do not follow the true way.”  

Choose the path of release and peace (a relief).  Chaos gone.  Time to develop a foundation.  No need for double.  Two becomes one.  Coming into my own.  Year to date A cold night beautiful moon luna at her best. High above.  Very nervous and a dreaded excitement.  Don’t believe anymore.  Done with monsters and shadows.  Knock. In comes a full blown cyclone.  Riding passion to the crest of the heat.  Mind blowing.  Wait laughter and fun and light.  Looking forward to the next time.  Finally stepping into the light.

On the stairs after the laughter, fun, and heat,  “Shhhh, it’s a secret.”  Okay double don’t tell vanilla….NO ‘Shhhh, it’s a secret ….tell no one”  Hear the door close? And it begins again till the secret is returned and till the next secret is met at the next event.  “shhhh”

Sign just another shadow. The one with the most effect….How Why.  Shhhh

Have to find a new way….so new opportunities come in and so on this night  Year to date an echo of that which still hurts….”shhhh it’s a secret…mustn’tell.”

So now it’s passed on and as always…

“Shhhhh…..it’s a secret….You mustn’t tell”

I thought this Valentine would be a little boring. Boy was I wrong.  I went to our usual meeting – it was on caning.  Met up with some old friends and making new ones.  The demo was good however I believe I would rather use the cane on someone instead of on me J Though that could change …remember the quirky here.  Then went on a toy search in the local stores.  Went to a fabulous party that night and even surprised myself.  

First got into a really good wrestling, biting and knife scene sorta well kind of just happened. A very good reminder to GET BACK to Yoga lol  Thank you very much you impertinent whelp ….I believe I gave as good as I got…watch out for next time J 

Then a beautiful gorgeous friend decided to sacrifice herself on my behalf …Became my crash test dummy …oh yeah!  I love you to pieces and am so glad you are back.  I thoroughly enjoyed our breakfast and your lovely fun friend.  Now I was really excited cuz I got to try out my new toys including Mr. Wicked Okay Now No I am not naming every toy I get…These three are special and besides if anyone has ever felt a Mr Wicked ( A buggy whip) then I bet you would agree it’s a good name.  Though I love using the crop better because I felt I had more control in what happens and how it strikes the body.  Wicked however did give me that Toppy feel J  A Dominant friend allowed me to use his flogger which was longer in length. (Reminder back to strength training lol)  and I loved hearing the thud…watching for a reaction…..Now this is where those who have switched some from bottom to Top will understand and laugh….I am short so in and the beautiful subject of my attention was lying face down on a couch…so I had to give a little jump to get the height I needed.  Well I missed judged the distance and WRAPPED.  AHHHH She let me know and what did I do ….go up hug and say I am sorry … (Reminder lose the empathy) lol.  Well of course SOMEONE laugh and then I whacked again…then I heard Bitch lol  oh boy….  Actually alittle later an experienced Dom give me the secret to this dilemma….”just turn and do it to the other side and then it looks like you meant to do it J What I liked all kidding aside was the bottom was able to give me feedback.  She is a very experienced and heavy player so it was great. Hopefully we can do it again soon.  I did get to use my crop again and God I love that little thing and the reactions it gets.  Now that one I love being used on me too. 

I got to spend time with friends as well.  I caught up with two gorgeous rednecks and loved it.  I know there were some friends there with heavy hearts.  All I can say is I know the feeling and wish I could help.  Love ya!

I was so hyped yet tired by the time we left the party.  I haven’t done a blessed thing all day today.  Wonder if I will experience the drop and if so how.  It doesn’t seem like it would be possible but who knows.  

To those who celebrated this holiday with me.  Thank you so much for making it such a great Valentine and some beautiful memories.

I thought this Valentine would be a little boring. Boy was I wrong.  I went to our usual meeting – it was on caning.  Met up with some old friends and making new ones.  The demo was good however I believe I would rather use the cane on someone instead of on me J Though that could change …remember the quirky here.  Then went on a toy search in the local stores.  Went to a fabulous party that night and even surprised myself.  

First got into a really good wrestling, biting and knife scene sorta well kind of just happened. A very good reminder to GET BACK to Yoga lol  Thank you very much you impertinent whelp ….I believe I gave as good as I got…watch out for next time J 

Then a beautiful gorgeous friend decided to sacrifice herself on my behalf …Became my crash test dummy …oh yeah!  I love you to pieces and am so glad you are back.  I thoroughly enjoyed our breakfast and your lovely fun friend.  Now I was really excited cuz I got to try out my new toys including Mr. Wicked Okay Now No I am not naming every toy I get…These three are special and besides if anyone has ever felt a Mr Wicked ( A buggy whip) then I bet you would agree it’s a good name.  Though I love using the crop better because I felt I had more control in what happens and how it strikes the body.  Wicked however did give me that Toppy feel J  A Dominant friend allowed me to use his flogger which was longer in length. (Reminder back to strength training lol)  and I loved hearing the thud…watching for a reaction…..Now this is where those who have switched some from bottom to Top will understand and laugh….I am short so in and the beautiful subject of my attention was lying face down on a couch…so I had to give a little jump to get the height I needed.  Well I missed judged the distance and WRAPPED.  AHHHH She let me know and what did I do ….go up hug and say I am sorry … (Reminder lose the empathy) lol.  Well of course SOMEONE laugh and then I whacked again…then I heard Bitch lol  oh boy….  Actually alittle later an experienced Dom give me the secret to this dilemma….”just turn and do it to the other side and then it looks like you meant to do it J What I liked all kidding aside was the bottom was able to give me feedback.  She is a very experienced and heavy player so it was great. Hopefully we can do it again soon.  I did get to use my crop again and God I love that little thing and the reactions it gets.  Now that one I love being used on me too. 

I got to spend time with friends as well.  I caught up with two gorgeous rednecks and loved it.  I know there were some friends there with heavy hearts.  All I can say is I know the feeling and wish I could help.  Love ya!

I was so hyped yet tired by the time we left the party.  I haven’t done a blessed thing all day today.  Wonder if I will experience the drop and if so how.  It doesn’t seem like it would be possible but who knows.  

To those who celebrated this holiday with me.  Thank you so much for making it such a great Valentine and some beautiful memories.

Well the new year is truly in and with it I guess I have been doing some cleaning.  Letting go of ideas, some my own and some others gave breathe to.  There are other exciting roads to take and journies– physically, mentally, and even spiritually.  In some ways I guess I have grown.  I don’t feel anger over the old ideas just some disappointment and sadness.  

Starting to get back into the scene.  Went to a meeting and party this last week.  Met up with old friends, few surprises, got into trouble and had a wonderful time doing it.  Stepped out into a different direction and found some new ideas J  Going back out this weekend….. there’s a new look and attitude.  Usually it is October that finds me filled with newness ..yeah I know not usual.  It’s me.  However over the past three of years so much has gone on….closing the circle with someone who was very important….Been really hard.  Then all kind of crazy things happening…Though with the month, I have found opportunities opening up – vanilla wise and well as scene.  

So I guess I haven’t exactly gotten what I wished for however definitely what I need.  What’s that song…”Thank God for unanswered prayers”  cool song.

Anyway guess that is about enough for now J  unless I get deep into again lol

well it's been quite awhile.  Not as active on here.  Heard from my ex (for lack of a better word & so I don't get in trouble) last nite.  Been long time 6 years and out of the blue he ask for forgiveness and to apologize for any wrongs he committed in the relationship.  Also to let me know his health is on the decline.  Forgiveness like I told him words without action are empty vessels. Why contact me now.  He contacted a sister about 2 years ago with the same spill.  So why wait the extra years.  Does he need money that bad or could he be sincere.  Like I told him If was looking to make true amends then he needed to be more specific.  He taught me that. I guess I needed to write out my thoughts ..started to talk to someone about it last nite…He seemed otherwise occupied so I guess I will write it here.

Hearing from him brought back a lot of memories.  I was collared to him for 6 or so years.  My intro into this life yet not really.  More of a distorted intro.  Told him I was no longer that starry eyed little girl looking for my knight.  What am I doing on here? 

I remember coming into this life wanting so much..question is what did I really need?

Nowadays I make sure to keep the walls up so I don’t have to worry about the vulnerable spots.  Maybe that is why I have been removing myself alittle at a time from this area.  Heck not even as close with my scene friends….after an outsider’s bs starting trouble I just started stepping away.  I missed one of their biggest events …hadn’t since I have been around until this year.  I will go to the other…just to see old acquaintances and to catch up.   

I don’t really feel all that submissive anymore but I don’t feel toppy either.  I keep stepping into the same thing.  I enjoy the chemistry the exchange that occurs in an interaction between a sub and a Dom.  

Please understand this entry is not for some Dom to help me see the light so to speak or to be rescued.  If you have comments or insights I do welcome them. It helps to see another’s point of view.  This is a way for me to get things out of my head and on paper and possible learn something I didn’t previously know.

ML (as in the initials of your name) if you are out there not really sure…haven’t seen you on here.  I don’t wish you harm.  Actually I don’t wish anything for you nor have I thought about you in along long time.  You made a path that you must walk now.  I hope you walk it well.  As you were fond of sayings all actions have consequences – intended and unintended.  You are responsible for those consequences.

Maybe I will add more later maybe not.  Feeling somewhat sad and reflective lol that is a good word.

Happy Holidays to everyone.

06/14/08
Well it's been awhile since last entry.  I have been rather busy so I haven't been able to do much on here.  Actually debating the value of purchasing a home - possibly out of the local area…. Whoooo very crazy time right now lol

This weekend I connected with someone I would call a good friend though in reality we hardly know each other :)  In talking to them, what I noticed is patterns - circles that keep repeating themselves.  Sometimes the same person more often different people walking the same circle.  I guess a lot of people need to learn the same lesson. 

One such circle is when you identify yourself as a submissive.  Now I don't know if it is similar for a Dominant however I notice that identifying yourself as a sub is like a catch 22.  In talking to a lot not all but a lot of the "Dominants" on here ....when you identify yourself as a submissive that equates in their mind to a piece of meat or a doormat.  Yes I know these are ones who typically like to play on here wantabees however some of them can talk a good game. 

In general the basic concept is "I am Dom therefore I am right... etc"  Yes I know that is true however I am talking about an extreme skewed view point.  Not even necessarily a "player" wantabee...just well here's the thing....my understanding is it is always or should be with the best interest (not want mind you) of the sub in mind.  What will help them to grow or better please the Dom etc. What I find is that sentence "I am Dom...” is used usually as a justification for bs.  

As I stated in my profile, I was collared for over 6 years…. And yes he used to use that sentence….and usually it was a justification for some of his actions.  First I offered my submission to him…I was his property and okay just screwed up thinking…took a while to sort it out….. I asked him everything and did nothing without an answer from him….wrote details schedules of my week etc…. Basically completely emotionally dependent on him (not financially mind you…that seemed to be vise versa) I would call or write to him as I was told…. Never over something frivolous yet sometimes I wouldn’t hear from him for days sometimes weeks…he lied …even went out on a contract for a couple of months however responded to me as if he was still in town secrets in other words which screws with trust… and yet the answer was always the same ….I said or on my terms….so if I was submissive…I should just say thank you Sir NOT…  Actually I kept his attention well when inviting “new friends” over to play with us (that is a common circle as well) or loaning him money. Lol ok so I was newbie ahhh

Now I know there are some who enjoy being a doormat….not being respected in any way…What I know is that is not me…and when I tell a potential that I expect that to be respected.  It makes me wonder…  If I am willing to go so far as to offer my submission to someone when I asked to be trained to their way…than recognize it for what it is….I will look to that Dom for guidance.  I want to share my day with you… and when I hurt over something that is important to me…at least recognize it don’t ignore it.  

What I find is a lot of this can be cleared up with the first couple of conversations….state what you want…. Communication is definitely the key.