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feel me
hear me
see me
smell me
i'm the dream
that lingers as
you gasp and moan
in that sweet abyss
where nothing matters
but the beating of our hearts,
the sweat of our bodies and
the mingling of our souls.
in a nutshell, i'm a somewhat sassy, but sweet girl who loves finding the humor that i feel is everywhere in life, loves having in depth discussions on almost any topic, enjoys most vanilla persuits and a whole hell of a lot of kinky ones. i can be quite a contradiction, shy sometimes and bold as brass others. i value the romance in relationships and couldn't be in a long term situation that didn't involve a love aspect. i can occasionally come off as quite snarky and scarcastic, but i never dish it out to someone i don't like/don't think can handle and give back as good as they get.
as a pet, i'm like no other...willing, eager, begging to please...i'll be your favorite pet, the girl you love most to claim as yours, the most willing girl you'll find....and all in a package that you can introduce to the most vanilla of friends.
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touch me
gently softly
i am an idealist
illusioned
a touch-seeker who communicates
through fingertips
touch the only language
i fluently command
sounddeaf
visionblind
measure me with your palm
for this i understand
no translation
beyond the resonant silence
of touch
the sighted eye of a nerve
i read only texture
a cheek
a thigh
ridged muscle
your hand a flower
roughened petals opening on my breast
touch me
for i would know you |
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... "and now little one, you've been cuddled and cosseted, well fed, well fucked and as always, well loved...it's late and it's time for you to be going to sleep..."
.."yes sir"
..."but little one?"
.."yes?"
"i love you and i'll join you soon. sweet sleep my pet" .......
...... i love you too, sir.
good night. |
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poetry...it comes in many forms. not all of them in a dusty book printed long ago by men who are long since dead... some of my favorite poetry isn't really thought of as poetry, but it is...if you listen hard... listen past the kickin' drums and bass, past those amazing guitar riffs... there's poetry there. unconventional maybe...but there. and it can be such a tactile sort of experience. rarely can you read a poem and be slammed with a memory. a feeling, yes...but songs give you memories...vivid, mind blowing memories. one song can take you back to that place, that time. it's a hot night tonight..too hot to sleep...so i sit listening to some of my favorite music. here and there is a song that hits me like a wave...a rush...the goosebumps crawl up me, and my mind goes somewhere else...some...time..else. i can see it, that moment the song brings back, i can hear the sounds, the people..the person, as it may be...i can even remember the smells with some. it's rare that a poem out of a book can do that to me....but music does it to me all the time. ...maybe that's why jukeboxes in bars attract me so much...i put some money in and memories come out *especially if the have a really great classic rock section, half my life has a soundtrack of classic rock..let's put it this way, my son knew the words to "Beth" by Kiss before he could put his own sentences together..it was his lullaby* ...and sometimes, on good nights, new memories are made... |
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a little poetry again perhaps?
The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
A Dream Within A Dream by Edgar Allan Poe
Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow--
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.
I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand--
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep--while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?
*here's a little clue about me. i am a woman. i am submissive. i choose to be submissive. i choose who i submit to. i give myself, yet i keep myself. i do not lose who i am by my giving, only enhance myself with the addition of you*
Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
I Am Not Yours by Sara Teasdale
I am not yours, not lost in you,
Not lost, although I long to be
Lost as a candle lit at noon,
Lost as a snowflake in the sea.
You love me, and I find you still
A spirit beautiful and bright,
Yet I am I, who long to be
Lost as a light is lost in light.
Oh plunge me deep in love -- put out
My senses, leave me deaf and blind,
Swept by the tempest of your love,
A taper in a rushing wind. |
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i sit here now, watching you sleep. your face, peaceful and calm in the golden candle light. your body claiming it's rest so deservedly. i sit and watch...you so peaceful.
inside me there is no peace. my body is alive with wonder.
...my life has been so lacking in that for so many years, the feeling of wonder. a sense of awe. my mind is filled with the knowledge that tonight was special. tonight i will remember forever. i have many memories of the past, but none are like this. this is new. i thought i'd passed the point of finding something so unknown to me. but i did tonight.
in my head i'm playing things back, cherishing them already. the taste of your lips seemed sweeter tonight. the smell of you skin was intoxicating. i shiver at the memory of the gentle friction of your finger tips as they grazed across my body, along my face, my neck, my arms. the heat of your hand causing a chill to pass through me. then the velvet strokes of your tongue on my ear, trailing to my neck, tasting me, exploring me... continuing your fingers journey along my body. now at my ribs, skimming down to my hips, the top of my thighs. ..slowly, so maddeningly slowly making their way lower, deeper...skimming over the parts i most want them to linger on, gently probing, feeling the heat, the wetness. your laugh as my hips try to follow your fingers as they move away.. my body already mourning the loss of your touch in just a heartbeat.
my memory flows to sometime later, minutes? hours? i know not, every moment tonight seemed like an eternity and a split second all at once. ...my lips curl into a smiles as i think of feeling your body pressed against me, strong and hard, arms pulling me to you, our bodies locked together without a breath of air to separate us, where i end, you begin.. the sweet slide of your body inside me, so hard, questing, searching, straining. i laugh softly thinking of how you smiled at me as i looked back at you, watching you enjoying the sight of our bodies joining, turning my head to the side and catching a glimpse of us together in the mirror. bodies twined together into a maze of limbs, a puzzle of parts wrapped together, locked in a beautiful knot. my heart starts to race as i think of you, coaxing sensations, feelings, cries of joy, moans of appreciation. it's never been like that for me you know. i didn't know it could be like that. i didn't know there was a place to be taken that was higher than i'd been taken before. i never dreamed of such great heights. later, when my heart was racing, my body still shuddering, tears streaming down my cheeks, when my mind was a whirl of emotions, unsure of what to do with all the flood of feelings you brought to me. the great joy and exquisite pleasure warring with the shock of such unknown sensations. trying to find words, failing.
i lay there unable to tell you that what just happened wasn't just the touch of body on body, it was soul and soul. i looked into your eyes and felt you in a place no one has ever been before. inside me, touching the very center of everything i am. i thought i might crack like a piece of spun sugar art...scattering into a million pieces. but you lay with me, held me gently, stroking my hair, wiping my tears, rocking me gently...waiting for me. giving me the time i needed to feel safe, to come back down to earth, to come back inside myself. you, gently spooning my body with yours, waiting...
then as my heart calmed, my soul settled and my skin began to cool you slipped away from me..only for a moment though, only to bring me a cold drink, then go to get a hot towel for me, laying by me, running the wet cloth over my body, soothing, cooling, gently cleaning my body so you could lift my head onto the pillow and pull up the blanket while you slipped away to see to your own cleaning and refreshing.
i reach out to touch you now, feeling the slide of my finger along you. i wonder if you know how much you've affected me. in one short evening i've been changed forever. i wonder if you know that this day...this night. will forever be ...the best night of my life. |
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flaming red, hot ass cheeks, freshly spanked, bite marks, hand prints and small happy bruises, wobbly legs, aching thighs, sore throat, bruised lips and mascara smeared makes for a VERY pleased kidden tonight. thank you, sir...the look in your eyes as i'm licking your fingers clean of our tastes tells me you adore me as much as i adore you. our love is amazing. we make others jealous and sad with their own loveless and affectionless bonds and that makes me full of joy for us and full of pity for them. our hearts beat in rhythm, our souls join as one, our bodies lock in a perfect union. i am yours. you own me utterly. |
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Destiny
Sir Edwin Arnold (1832-1904)
Somewhere there waiteth in this world of ours
For one lone soul... another lonely soul,
Each choosing each... through all the weary hours.
And meeting strangely at one sudden goal.
Then blend they... like green leaves with golden flowers,
Into one beautiful and perfect whole;
And life's long night is ended,
And the way lies open,
Onward to eternal day...
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sometimes i think i'm much tougher than i am. i think nothing can hurt me. i think i'm a big girl and that i've been so mistreated by men that there's little i care about any more, certainly not something that to someone else would seem little..and by someone i barely know. but i'm wrong. when i care, i'm easily hurt. i do still cry when i really want to please and i end up displeasing. for as long as i've been around here, i realize this life isn't what i'm used to here in the real world...and i don't always know how to act. i mean well, but i still end up messing up. maybe i try to hard. i feel like i don't always attract others with my perfect slavishness, so i try to use facets of my personality i'm more confident about...and then i realize not everyone has the same views as i do. not everyone takes everything as a joke like i do. and i end up crying. and i end up hating myself for crying. it seems weak. ...but maybe it's good there's still such a soft inside to me. maybe it's good i'm not as jaded as i sometimes think i am. my reactions are honest....and honesty is always best...isn't it? |
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Once upon a time
A girl with moonlight in her eyes
Put her hand in mine
And said she loved me so
But that was once upon a time
Very long ago
Once upon a hill
We sat beneath a willow tree
Counting all the stars
And waiting for the dawn
But that was once upon a time
Now the tree is gone
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How the breeze ruffled through her hair
How we always laughed as though
Tomorrow wasn't there
We were young and didn't have a care
Where did it go?
Once upon a time
The world was sweeter than we knew
Everything was ours
How happy we were then
But somehow once upon a time
Never comes again
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i've been gone a long time, so i thought i'd update. still don't have a new ac cord for my laptop and can't stand to sit here at the desk without crying later....so i've just been chilling out away from my computer. everyone needs some time alone, sometimes. so, i'll be back eventually! have fun til then! ** update, seems i'm going to have a total abdominal hysterectomy (and possibly removal of my ovaries, one or both) april 30th, so unless i get a new AC cord before then it'll be quite a while before i'm back. i have to have "the big incision" so it'll be like having a c section all over again without the fun of a cuddly new born. part of me is happy and can't wait to be rid of the pain, part of me is mourning this...badly. *sigh* **edit of the edit** got a new AC cord, only to find that's not the problem (though the old one WAS broken) not certain when i can take it in and have the power port thing fixed. also, surgery rescheduled to may 7th....damn bastards. i'm afraid one of these nights the pain is going to get so awful i'm going to commit murder, my own or someone else's! *grin* |
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i sat and read a profile of a friend i've had here forever...and realized why i love her to death. babygirlashley, you're quite amazing...
from her profile:
i've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person i want to be..i've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words it may be the last time you see them i've learned that you can keep going long after you think you cant...i've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel...i've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you....i've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. i've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score. i've learned that my best friends and i can do anything or nothing and have the best time...i've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up...i've learned that sometimes when i'm angry i have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel...i've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.i've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them, and less to do with how many years you have lived...i've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself...i've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief....i've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become...i've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other and just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other....i've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret...it could change your life forever...i've learned that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.i've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you...i've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you you will find the strength to help...i've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being...i've learned that the people you care about most in life are sometimes taken from you too soon..i've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change...i've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that...i've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance..the same goes for true love....i've learned that you can do something in an instant that can give you heartache for life..i've learned that my Daddy is/was always right....i've learned that fear sometimes can be blinding....i've learned that just because i am submissive, i am not less than anyone else....i've learned that its okay to be unsure and afraid of the world sometimes...i've learned that a smile can sometimes make everything all better....i've learned that i should count my blessings every single day.... i've learned that large amounts of chocolate can make any problem seem smaller...i've learned that usually what you see is what you get....i've learned that i have a twisted perverse mind, and thats okay....i've learned that just taking one day at a time is HARD...i've learned that i need to talk less, and listen more...i've learned that bubblebaths are my nirvana.... |
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Many Loves
I love the ocean,
I can stand by her shore for hours
Savoring her sighs
As her soft wavelets lap at my toes,
Fascinated by the mystery of her changing faces
Masking her eternal constancy.
I also love the hot wind
Blowing westward,
Thrusting wide the door between autumn and winter,
Making me sweat
And lick dry lips in anticipation.
She is not gentle
But rips away my illusions
Like the leaves the tree no longer needs.
Loving the wind
Does not mean I love the ocean less.
Each evokes a different part of me
And brings me different lessons,
And my love for them would not diminish
If I also loved the fertile forest. |
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"I'm a new soul I came to this strange world hoping I could learn a bit about how to give and take......
I'm a young soul in this very strange world hoping I could learn a bit about what is true and fake." |
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what songs so easily seem to say...i never can.
such great heights
Iron & Wine
I am thinking it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images and
When we kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate
That God himself did make us into
Corresponding shapes like puzzles pieces
From the clay
True, it may seem like a stretch
But it's thoughts like this
That catch my troubled head
When you're away, when I am missing you to death
When you were out there on the road
For several weeks of shows
And when you scan the radio
I hope this song will guide you home
They will see us waving from such great heights
"Come down now," they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
"Come down now," but we'll stay
I've tried my best to leave
This all on your machine
But the persistent beat
Sounded thin upon listening
That frankly will not fly
You will hear the shrillest highs
And lowest lows with the windows down
When this is guiding you home
They will see us waving from such great heights
"Come down now," they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
"Come down now," but we'll say...
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once in a while, i fall in love with love...i think it's great, i search for it, i roll the taste of it around my mouth like wine, i think it will never end. the problem with love, i've decided, is that it does end....and when it does for a good long while, i can't breathe...
SMILE (Lonestar)
I still remember the night we met
You said you loved my smile
But your love for me was like a summer breeze
Oh it lasted for a while
I could hold on a little tighter I know
But when you love someone gotta let'em go
So I'm gonna smile
Cause I wanna make you happy
Laugh
So you can't see me cry
I'm gonna let you go style
And even if it kills me
I'm gonna smile
Kiss me once for the good times, baby
Kiss me twice for good bye
You can't help how you don't feel
And it does'nt matter why
give me a chance to bow out gracefully
'Cause that's how I want you to remember me
I'm gonna smile
Cause I want to make you happy
Laugh
So you cant see me cry
I'm gonna let you go Style
And even if it kills me
I'm gonna smile
I'm gonna smile so you can find the courage
Laugh,
so you wont see me hurtin'
I'm gonna let you go Style
And even if it kills me
I'm gonna
Smile
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it's been a long time since i was interested in anyone. i think i sort of shut down any part of me that would let me think of someone in anything but a friendly way, probably because of my life circumstances. it's so complicated. i think i just thought it would be easier to not even start being interested than get interested and be disappointed. that's the thing....it always ends in disappointment. one way or another, i end up feeling rejected and silly. it gets...tiring. i've spent alot of time talking to other girls when they've been hurt, telling them how he's not worth another thought if he didn't want you. it's hard to take your own advice sometimes. sadly, this all just leads me back to the thought that i'm better off single. maybe i'll find the right one someday, it's possible. anything's possible, i suppose. but, for now, i think i'll go back to just being everyone's friend and not talking to anyone in particular on a one to one level. i'm tired of making this mistake. |
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soo..i'm not really much for journals..but i've been inspired by someone. it seems it really is a good way to be introspective, to think out loud....along with being a place to put random thoughts, silliness and other such and stuff.
ever meet someone and know you'd be friends with them? i love that feeling. i don't often find ppl who have alot of the same strangeness as i do. you find yourself wondering what's going on....is this someone who's going to fade away like so many of the others you grew to like did? should you get so invested that you care? i only know that i'm not quick to let people in, but when i do.....they're in for however long they want to be there. i have to live in faith that they won't make my heart a revolving door.
Questions, by Jack Johnson
Questions, I've got some questions
I want to know you
But what if I could ask you only one thing
Only this one time, what would you tell me?
Well maybe you could give me a suggestion
So I could know you, what would you tell me?
Maybe you could tell me what to ask you
Because then I'd know you, what would you tell me
Please tell me that there's time
To make this work for all intents and purposes
And what are your intentions, will you try?
Impressions, you've made impressions
They're going nowhere
They're just going to wait here if you let them
Please don't let them
I want to know you
And if they're going to haunt me
Please collect them
Please just collect them
And now I'm begging
I'm begging you to ask me just one question
One simple question
Because then you'd know me
I'll tell you that there's time
To make this work for all intents and purposes
At least for my own
What is a heart worth if it's just left all alone?
Leave it long enough and watch it turn into stone
Why must we always be untrue?
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