DelightfulSpirit

Hurting right now.

Update: Recent breakup :-(  (of secondary relationship, not marriage!) ... I would like to make friends in the local bdsm community, to attend classes and events. "Nonsexual bdsm-dating" anyone?

Power or control?

In your opinion, in a D/s relationship, does the sub give up her power in the relationship, or are the two people in the relationship actually equal, just filling different roles: leader/follower like in ballroom dancing ?

Here is a description of submission from castlerealm's article "First Steps": 

?Submission is the act of surrendering some or all of ones personal power to another person. It's allowing someone else to control your body and behavior within certain preset limits. This must be a willing act on the part of the submissive or the boundaries of abuse have been crossed. The methods and levels of submission are infinite. Each person must decide how much and how far this exchange of power will go but the rules of "safe, sane and consensual" must always apply.?

To me, choice is very important; I feel that I always have choice, and therefore I always have my personal power, even when I loan it, or entrust it to someone to use and direct its use.  Ultimately, I am renewing my consent every time I obey and every moment I stay.

So I balk at an interpretation that the dominant has more power in the relationship.  I feel strongly that we are equal, though one directs and one follows. 

The words ?within certain preset limits? and ?willing act on the part of the submissive? seem to support my ideas.  What seems to speak of unequal power is:  ?surrendering?personal power to another person?.  However, if we change one word so it reads: ?Submission is the act of surrendering some or all of one?s control to another person? or ?Submission is the act of surrendering some or all of one?s personal power to another person?s control and direction,? well then that feels good.

I do yearn to let go, to ?sink? and to feel a certain peace that comes with relinquishing control.  I yearn to hear ?That?s not your concern? and to know that all is already well.  I have felt that in the past, but not lately since my ex-Dom and I parted ways.  Now, on my own, being in charge of myself, doing my reading, talking and pondering, I sometimes wonder if I am even submissive.  But sometimes I trust that if and when I choose a Dominant in the future and he chooses me, we will creative together a relationship that works for us, and I will feel the delicious letting go again.