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Looking for my Master...
Please, please do not write to me unless you have read my profile. It may save us both some time, trouble, and misunderstandings. Yes, I acknowledge that this is an extraordinarily long profile. I tend to be very open, honest, and thorough.
If you read my profile and like what you've read, there is some potential for a relationship. If you read it and aren't interested, you'll only have invested a few minutes rather than exchanging several emails before finding that out. So, please make the investment.
Whether you contact me or not, I thank you for your time, patience, and attention. I wish you the very best in finding the pleasures that feed your soul...
I want to make it clear that I am looking for a LOCAL real-time Master/slave or Dominant/submissive relationship. I am not interested in long-distance, email, pen-pal, chat, or cyber relationships.
I am an intelligent, articulate, honest, passionate, and open-minded submissive woman. I have been told that I am witty, winsome, and whimsical.
I am very naturally submissive to those who have the right chemistry with me, just as I was very much a slave to the one superior man who has been able to Master me.
Nothing in the world thrills and satisfies me quite so much as the dynamics of a Total Power Exchange relationship. And it is sooo hard to find someone compatible.
I would prefer not to spend a tremendous amount of time on e-mail, cyber chats, or phone calls. If we don't have the trifecta of connection, chemistry, and D/s dynamic when we meet, we've pretty much wasted our time chatting, however fabulous the on-line or phone connection may be.
If you are willing to send a reasonably clear photo of yourself (taken within the past two or three years), I will be more likely to meet you. While I'm not particularly shallow, there has to be mutual physical attraction (along with everything else), or there can't be a significant relationship. Like everyone else, I have physical preferences in a partner, though these can be overlooked if there is great chemistry between us.
My ideal person would be someone who has a supreme sense of self-confidence, someone who is capable of taking control - without being a jerk or a bully, someone who knows the difference between dominant and domineering. I need very assertive and strong-willed partners.
Communication, Honesty, Openness, Consistency, Kindness, Integrity, and Fairness are some of the vital attributes I seek in a partner. I also strongly admire a well-developed sense of play and a high libido.
If you're submissive (or a male switch), I'm definitely not the right person for you. I have a great deal of respect for other slaves, submissives, and switches, but that is simply not what I'm looking for.
I want - no, I need, someone who has pure unadulterated Dominant energy, someone whose mere glance or a snap of the fingers can control me, someone who can melt my resistance - and my heart.
I am in an open marriage. My husband and I have not been sexually intimate in over ten years, for a variety of reasons. We are simply good friends who have decided that it is better to stay together than to divorce.
My husband is fully aware of my search for a Master/Dominant, and supports that (though he is "French vanilla" and doesn't really understand it). Being married would not interfere with another relationship in any way.
You should also know that I don't consider myself particularly fit. I'm far from being thin, but I'm comfortable with myself. I go square dancing and/or round dancing (choreographed, synchronized ballroom) four-six times a week, go hiking once in a while, and occasionally go to the gym.
I would certainly like to be more fit than I am, but I have trouble motivating myself to do anything about it. So, if me being "fit" is of vital importance to you, we probably wouldn't be a good match.
One of the things you should know about me upfront is that I'm bipolar. I'm being treated for it and my therapist and I pretty much have things under control. For the moment, however, I am receiving disability benefits for the condition.
I know there is a huge stigma about being bipolar, but it is a medical condition no different than diabetes or arthritis. If you can't handle my mental health issue, it is better to know your limitations before going any further. If you feel you can handle it, I really respect you for that.
I love women. I am bisexual. I want to make something absolutely clear on that score, though. Being bisexual does NOT necessarily mean I am interested in a threesome. I love women and I love men. Separately.
I am polyamorous. I can easily balance multiple loving relationships. I'm not a swinger though, and I'm not generally looking for casual or purely recreational sex.
I've talked to way too many men who assume that being bisexual means I'm looking for FMF threesomes. I have had FMF threesomes in the past and in my experience, someone almost always gets their feelings hurt. I don't need the drama. MFM, on the other hand, I think I could handle...
I have been tempted to remove the bisexual label from my profile, but I don't want to discourage women from writing. So, if there are any butch women out there who can handle me being bisexual, I'd love to hear from you.
I'm STD-free and would very much like to stay that way. If you aren't STD-free, please be honest about it upfront - and be prepared to have "safe" sex 100% of the time.
I always try to be courteous and respectful. I generally try to respond to anyone who has taken the time and interest to write to me, but if you have obviously not read the above in full, I will not necessarily feel obligated to write to you.
I have a very extensive journal, which you're welcome to read if you're interested. See below. I highly recommend that you read it from the View Full Profile page (if you simply click on "View Journal," you lose all the formatting). If you have any questions, please feel free to email me.
If you have actually read this far and you're still interested, please write to me. There's a good chance that I'll be interested too.
Thank you for taking the time to read my profile. I wish you all the best in finding the pleasures that feed your souls.
Most respectfully,
tamsen
P.S. And I don't always talk this much. Truly I don't. A snap of your fingers or THE LOOK will shut me up.
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Priorities
2012-09-06
When I was 19, I badly injured my left knee, playing football. They say flag football is a “non-contact sport.” lol - yeah, right. Not when you’re the left guard, at least. The league I played in was very rough-and-tumble. My injury was like a cartoon - three of us running for the ball, from different directions, looking upward. We all crashed our knees into each other and fell down backwards in a circle. It would have been pretty funny if it didn’t hurt so much.
The first year my football team formed, we won third-place in the tri-state women’s football league. Because I made the winning touchdown, they let me keep the trophy. I was so proud and felt so vindicated. I grew up being the slightly chubby kid who was always picked last for any teams, and I was tormented all the time.
When I was 20, I injured my right knee, playing tennis. I was a little overweight to start with (180 pounds at 5’7”), but I was a good, strong athlete. I played hard, aggressively, and competitively.
Then, suddenly, I had two very bad knees, which subsequently developed chondromalacia patella - a really long medical term for "runner's knee." It happens when the tissue starts to break down in the knee, from excessive running or other sports activities. My knees got worse and worse and developed severe arthritis. As a result, I was no longer active, and I gained weight. A **lot** of weight. I weighed about 380 pounds at my highest.
Between the bad knees and the weight, I became completely crippled. I couldn’t walk without terrible pain. I used a cane to walk even a few feet. I rode in a scooter to go any distance.
Then I developed heart problems, as a result of the excess weight - and sleep apnea, and diabetes, and arthritis, and fibromyalgia, and GERD, and so many other problems. I was incapacitated, and I thought that’s how the rest of my life would be. Short, painful, inactive, sick, depressed. It was so nightmarish that I contacted the Hemlock Society (a suicide advocacy group), because I felt I was such a burden to my loved ones.
My doctors wouldn’t replace my knees because I was too heavy, too young, and too “active.” In 2003, after the doctors told me I had probably had several heart attacks, I finally consented to having gastric bypass surgery. It was my only option besides dying.
Over the next couple of years, I lost about 170 pounds. In 2006, when I was 46, I had total simultaneous bilateral knee replacements. OMG, that was a difficult rehabilitation, but I worked it. Hard. Six weeks to the day, I was back on my Honda Shadow VT 1100C.
My Master and I did everything together. I couldn’t have done it without him - the weight loss, the knee replacements, the rehab. I promised him that I would do everything I could to stay active, and not to regain the weight.
Three months later, he was dead from a motorcycle accident. He never got to see me as a truly active person. He didn’t get to reap the rewards and benefits of all the work he had done as my Master.
A year later, I started taking dance lessons - both square dancing and round dancing. For those of you who don’t know what it is, round dancing is choreographed, synchronized ballroom dancing (for couples). It has all the ballroom rhythms: waltz, cha cha, rumba, foxtrot, tango, two-step, slow two-step, jive, quickstep, swing, samba, mambo, bolero, etc.
I **love** both square dancing and round dancing, for different reasons. Square dancing is more social (“Square dancers do it in groups of eight”), and more puzzle-solving, along with high-energy (in my group), fast-paced constant movement. It’s physically and mentally challenging and stimulating. Someone told me that an evening of square dancing is equivalent to walking five miles. I don’t know. I don’t care. It’s fun.
But even **more** fun for me, is the round dancing. I cannot possibly begin to explain how it feels to move gracelessly and effortlessly across the floor, after spending more than two and a half decades virtually crippled and in severe pain all the time.
About six months ago, I was diagnosed with sciatica and severe spinal stenosis, in six areas of my spine. I won’t be able to dance many more years. Back surgery is in my relatively near future, and I take Vicodin several times a day. Surgery may or may not help. If it doesn’t, I am likely to once again be incapacitated and/or debilitated.
I want a Master. I desperately want a Master. I want to make him a priority. I want to make him **the** priority. At the same time, I don’t want to give up any of this precious time, this window of opportunity, to be active, to be graceful, to be athletic even.
I dance almost every night. Sometimes I dance in the afternoon and then **again** in the evening. I can’t get enough of it. I **need** it. As much as I need a Master, maybe.
I was told something recently, to the effect of, “becoming obsessed with something other than me can't be a good thing.” I **know** that was said at least partly tongue-in-cheek. But perhaps partly not.
I’m so torn - how do I spend this chapter of my life? I need to prioritize, because it isn’t fair to ask a Master to basically take a back seat to my dancing. But I’m not willing to give it up right now either. I love it too much. I can’t get enough of it, and I’m so afraid of the days when I won’t be able to do it any more.
I can’t serve two Masters. Is dancing my Master, in essence? Will that be enough for me?
No, it isn’t enough. As much as I love to dance, it doesn’t meet my other needs - my need to be controlled, my need to serve someone, my basic human need for love and affection... Can I somehow compromise and have both? Am I willing to do that? I don’t know... I don’t know... I don’t know...
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I recently had a conversation with someone who was a little concerned about a couple of statements I made in my last journal entry. I had commented, “That being said, I want a Master, dammit. A ‘real’ Master. A ‘twue’ Master.” I think this statement may have been taken a bit too literally. So, I wanted to clarify...
Part of it was a joke, part sarcasm, part wishful thinking...
There's a movie, Blazing Saddles, where the question is, 'Is it true what they say about black men?' This German woman comes out of the bedroom and says 'It's twue, it's twue.' That’s where the joke lies.
I have often argued, in my essays and in conversations, that there is no such thing as a 'real Master' or a 'true Dominant' - that it's about compatibility. A 'real' Master for me might not even be a 'true' Dominant to other slaves/ submissives. That’s where the sarcasm is directed - at those who actually believe there is such a thing.
To me, they’re all relative terms, and subjective as well. There is nothing concrete about them. That's why they're mythical animals - purple unicorns with glittered horns, true Dominants, real Masters, slave hearts...
It may be absolutely true that a person is clearly an alpha, but, to me, that doesn’t necessarily make them a “true Dominant.” The definition of 'true' is 'conforming to reality or fact.' The fact that I may yearn to serve a person (whether he has “earned” it or not), that I feel his/ her natural authority, doesn’t make them a “real Master” either. It might make them the right Master for me. But that’s about it.
I feel it, but another slave/ submissive might not feel the same draw, the pull, at all. Again, it’s about compatibility.
On the other hand, the fact that any number of other slaves/submissives might be drawn to that person, doesn’t make them any more “real” or “true” than a more solitary sort of person with no groupies. Good looks, a big dick, money, whatever - none of that is particularly relevant to me, though possibly a nice bonus.
As my friend said, that kind of draw comes from a recognition of someone’s place - but it’s their place in relation to me. It’s not universal. It’s both subjective and relative. Relative is defined as, 'Considered in relation to something else; comparative' versus subjective meaning, 'Dependent on personal views'.
For me, the terms “Master,” “Dominant,” “slave,” and “submissive” are somewhat self-defined. If I consider myself to be a slave, I don’t really give a flying fuck whether anyone else thinks I am or not - with the exception of whomever I may feel compelled to answer to (and I mean compelled as in that sort of magnetic pull, not an unwilling and unyielding force).
Those terms/titles can also be appointed by others, but I don’t think that makes them any more factual or based on reality. For instance, if some self-appointed mentoring group declares that so-and-so is now a Master, it just makes me laugh. That individual may have gained mastery over certain tools and techniques. They may be knowledgeable about any number of things, but I still don’t think that makes them a Master or a Dominant.
Somewhere in the conversation, my friend said, “Now you make reality subjective...”
My response is that it is subjective. How I view the world is extremely different from how anyone else views the world - we each have our own reality. There is nothing to say that mine is right or wrong. Or yours either.
In tamsen-land, where the leaves are purple, the sky is hot pink, and the streets are yellow polka-dotted - that’s the only place I recognize a person’s ‘natural authority’ - over me.
We all have a self-centered view of the universe, regardless of how philanthropic we may be, or how much of a ‘slave-heart’ we might have, or how much we might want to serve someone else. But really, if we aren’t getting something out of it, what’s the point? If, in the center of our own unique universe/ world/ maelstrom, we aren’t getting our most basic needs and desires met, why do we do it? Because we continue to hope for the existence of our own perfect match(es) - our own “real” and “true” mate(s).
This journal entry has been brought to you, once again, by a combination of good (legal) drugs, distraction, multi-tasking, and personal confusion.
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Clarity 2012-08-30
It’s been a very long time since I’ve written anything here, or anywhere else, really. I don’t even know where to start, so this could be a bit jumbled and rambling. Sometimes clarity comes at the center of the maze...
Earlier this evening, I was re-reading some of my old journal entries (mostly from CollarMe, and subsequently transferred to FL). I had forgotten quite how extensive my journal is! I think, for anyone who keeps a journal/ blog/ collection of essays, even as randomly as I do, it can be very enlightening to go back and read about some of the journey and the process, that one has been through over time.
I bared my soul in those hundreds of essays. While I wrote primarily for myself, I was fortunate to have a number of subscribers who read my words and commented on them, gave me new insights, advice, and criticism. Their input helped me a great deal. It’s often good to have an outside set of eyes, ears, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, etc. It keeps one from becoming too completely isolated and wrapped up in their own interpretations of life, the universe, and everything.
My journal on CollarMe primarily started as a therapeutic device, to help me work through my grief at the devastating loss of Master Steve. It took a long time, and a lot of repetition. I’m still not sure I’m there.
A very dear friend (EroticaLuxurious on FL) just wrote a wonderful analogy about grief for me. (Just to be clear, I do have his permission to quote from his email and to use his name.) This is what he said:
“Sounds very authentic how the waves of grief may have washed up
against your door..... I experience them sometimes as near tsunami-like --
particularly in my delicate soft spots that are hurting. And yet, I am
reminded it is a good idea to move around strategically on my surf board
and manage the wave, even as it is so scary/ maddening/ inconvenient/
overwhelming/ irritating, etc., etc....
I'm so afraid I'm going to fall of the fucking board and drown......
Yet, I never have yet.... and I find yet again, I ride the wave in a moment
at a time.....
And even the most colossal wave eventually washes up on the shore as
harmless sea foam.....
Until the next wave arrives.....”
The above analogy was inspired, not by the death of Master Steve and that all-encompassing grief, but by another recent loss in my life - that of a relationship, with the death of all those associated hopes and dreams. One goes into a relationship with so many wishes, desires, plans, and, despite our best efforts to be realistic and open-minded... expectations. Expectations are premeditated disappointments.
I think that often people, myself for certain, tend to try to “force” a relationship into a certain size and shape of a container. Much like Cinderella’s wicked step-sisters trying to fit their feet into her glass slippers, we just can’t ever make it fit right - no matter how well-intentioned we are, how hard we try, or even how evil we might be.
That’s what I believe happened in this particular relationship, to some extent. There were many problems, to be sure - on both sides. For the purposes of this essay, I am going to focus on one specific issue. I wanted a Master. I was desperate for a Master.
After the death of Master Steve, there was a Master-shaped hole in my life. I wanted to fill that void more than anything. And so I tried to convince myself that each new person in my life was that - my new Master, someone worthy to fill the very big shoes Master Steve left. Unless there was that potential, I just wasn’t very interested. So, I fooled myself. Again.
With the demise of that recent relationship, I find myself back on the market, talking to potential new Masters. I am hoping this time around, that I will allow myself enough leash, as it were, to explore further, to investigate deeper, to know and be known, before I commit myself to a collar. I need time to grieve the old, before I accept the new. I need time to find myself before I give myself.
That being said, I want a Master, dammit. A “real” Master. A “twue” Master. And I want him (or her) now! Patience is not my strong suit. Sigh...
I was hoping that this journal entry would bring me some form of clarity, and maybe it has. I think I need time...
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Saturday 06-20-09
Someone recently directed me to a website where the author discusses what s/he believes to be the major three types (or archetypes) of Dominants - Authoritarian, Democratic, and Equalitarian. The author also discusses the basic characteristics of the corresponding types of submissives/slaves.
I'm never quite sure how much I can ethically discuss an article without permission from the author. If you're interested in reading the original dissertation, it can be found at:
http://www.eewcrystalheart.com/dominanttypes.html
[Note: I have been informed that the above link is no longer active, but a kind correspondent provided the following link that *does* work - at least at the moment.]
http://web.archive.org/web/20080416222415/http://eewcrystalheart.com/dominanttypes.html
While I have some disagreements with the broad generalizations, the article gave me a lot to think about, in terms of who I am, what I'm looking for, and the most suitable kind of Dominant for me.
According to this essay, the Authoritarian Dominant typically rules with absolute power, is controlling, and makes all of the decisions. The Democratic Dominant generally "controls by agreement" using contracts, discussions, limitations, conditions, safe words, etc. The Equalitarian Dominant usually controls by teaching, mentoring, and leading.
For me, there are pros and cons to each of the major archetypes. I love the sensuality, kindness, gentleness, and subtle power of the Equalitarian Dom.
The obsessive-compulsive/anal-retentive side of me appreciates the rules and structure provided by the Democratic Dom.
The submissive/slave part of me responds best to the overt power, masculinity, and clear dominance evidenced by the Authoritarian Dom.
On the other hand, I feel that I can sometimes take advantage of the more gentle nature of the Equalitarian Dom. If this happens, if I can manipulate him, if he's too soft on me, I tend to lose respect - and that can spell the death of a BDSM relationship.
I often have little patience or memory for the many rules of the Democratic Dom, and I don't want to have to discuss and/or negotiate everything.
But I also tend to rebel against the absolute control of the Authoritarian Dom, at least in the beginning, until the D/s relationship is well-established and I have tested the Dom's commitment to his own word.
I believe that many submissives (myself included) feel a compulsion to test a Dominant, to find out how far they can push him. Like a toddler exploring my environment, I have to know that limits will be enforced. I have to know where the boundaries are, and that there are significant consequences to my choices and actions. Only then do I feel truly safe, grounded, and protected.
In my experience, the Authoritarian Dom overall tends to be the most likely archtype to gain my compliance and respect. That isn't to say that I don't respect the other types of Dominants. I do. But I'm feeling very conflicted about this whole subject.
I think that what would work best for me, my dream Master, is a basically Authoritarian Dominant who is willing to listen to my input, observe my feedback, and consider my feelings. He would respect me and my intelligence, and he would guide me to be the best person I can be. So, I want a combination of all three archetypes. I want it all. Is that too much to ask?
As far as what I can give to this fantasy Master, please see my profile...
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Sexy Horoscopes (12-21-08)
I don't remember where I got this, but it's kinda fun. I'm a Capricorn, by the way.
VIRGO: The Virgin
Dominant in relationships. Sexy. Someone loves them right now. Freak in bed. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Intellectual. Attractive. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Hard to forget. Love at first sight. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only. Ultimate sexiness.
SCORPIO: The Sex Addict
Can be mean. EXTREMELY sexy. Intelligent. Energetic. Predict future. Most erotic. (Freak in bed.) (GREAT kisser.) Always get what they want. Sexy. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. The sexiest ever.... Romantic. Caring.
LIBRA: The Lame Lover
Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique sexiness. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in Bed!!! Did I say Amazing in Bed? Not the kind of person you wanna FUCK with... you might end up crying... the most irresistible.
ARIES: The Liar
Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to FUCK with. Erotic. Funny. Take you on trips to the moon in bed. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY sexy. Loves being in long relationships. Addictive. Loud. Best in bed.
AQUARIUS: Does It In the Water
Trustworthy. Sexy. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being in long-term relationships. Extremely energetic. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out. Amazing in bed, THE BEST LOVERS - BETTER THAN EVERYONE!
GEMINI: Does Twosomes
Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good in bed. Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you the FUCK out. Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing. VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. ULTRA SEXY. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE.
LEO: The Lion in Bed
Great talker. Sexy and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found.
CANCER: The Cutie
MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high SEX appeal. Great in bed!!! Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud of it. Freak in bed. Spontaneous. Great at telling stories. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to.
PISCES: The Piece of Ass
Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. Too Sexy, DAMN IT. Very high sex appeal. Has the last word. The best to find, hardest to keep. Fun to be around. Freak in the sheets. Extremely weird but in a good way. Super good in bed. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. A partner for life. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet.
CAPRICORN: The Passionate Lover
Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future. Irresistible, awesome kisser. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. BY FAR the BEST in BED. Very sexy. Coolest. Loves to own Geminis in sports. Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Loves to be your first. So you'll nevebaforget. Smart.
TAURUS: The Tramp
Aggressive. Freak in bed. Rare to find! Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Sexy as hell. Loves to help people in times of need. Outstanding kisser. Very funny. Awesome personality. Stubborn. Sexual as ......... Most caring person you will ever meet! One of a kind. Not one to FUCK with. Are the most sexiest people on earth!
SAGITTARIUS: The Sexy One
Spontaneous. Horny. Freak in Bed. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. The one. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique sexiness. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in Bed..!!! Did I say Amazing in Bed? Not the kind of person you wanna FIGHT with - you might end up crying.. |
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Dixie Chicks, Samuel L. Jackson, and chains
I was just listening to some country music and the following lyrics really caught my attention. I feel the same way and hope to find the freedom of my chains again.
Loving Arms by the Dixie chicks:
I've been too long in the wind and too long in the rain
Taking any comfort that I can
Looking back and longing for the freedom of my chains
And lying in your loving arms again
Speaking of chains, if any of you hasn't seen the movie "Black Snake Moans", I HIGHLY recommend it. Samuel L. Jackson, Justin Timberlake, and Christina Ricci star in it. A heavy chain is a really important aspect of the movie, both metaphorically and literally.
This isn't a BDSM movie, per se, but there is something very much like the Daddy Dom in Samuel L. Jackson's character, and something very much of the bratty sub in Christina Ricci's. By the end, she has become reliant on the chains as a symbol of her own freedom and strength. It's beautiful. As an added bonus, there's really fabulous blues and jazz music throughout the movie.
The blurb on the back of the DVD says, "Award-worthy performances by Samuel L. Jackson and Christina Ricci!"
"In this tale of love, loss, and faith, Academy Award Nominee Samuel L. Jackson and Christina Ricci seek redemption Down South through the power of the blues and the transcendence of an unlikely friendship."
"Two thumbs way up." Ebert and Roeper
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I'm spending a lot of time on these days [CollarMe's bots keep deleting the name of the website] . If you're interested, come on over and be my friend.
I don't accept friend requests on CollarMe, but is different. It's more of a community. |
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I read this quote in another person's journal and it really struck me.
"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." ~ Albert Schweitzer ~
I am grateful for all those I have met who have rekindled my inner spirit, and I'm looking forward to those I will meet in the future. |
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I read the following article in CosmicDom's journal. He has given me permission to copy it. Unfortunately he doesn't know who wrote it, so I can't properly credit the author. Still I hope the author will forgive me as I think this is an important message for both Doms and subs.
A submissive's Bill of Rights
You have the right to be treated with respect. Not only do you have this right, you have the right to demand it. Being submissive does not make you a doormat or less of a person than anyone else. The word "submissive" describes your nature and in no way diminishes you as a human being. You have the right to respect yourself as well.
You have the right to be proud of what you are. Being a submissive is nothing that should ever bring you shame or feelings of reproach. Your submissive nature is a gift and should always be a source of pride and happiness.
You have the right to feel safe. Being a submissive should not make you feel afraid, insecure or threatened. Submission is not about living on the edge or flirting with fear. In any situation you should feel safe or there can never be true surrender.
You have the right to your emotions and feelings. Your emotions and feelings come from you and they are just as valid as anyone else's. You have a right to them. Those feelings, whether positive or negative, make you who you are and suppressing them will only bring unhappiness later.
You have the right to express your negative feelings. Being submissive does not make you an object that no longer has negative thoughts or concerns.Your concerns are real and you have every right to express them. If something doesn't feel right, bothers you, makes you feel bad or you just plain don't like something, say so. Failing to express your negative feelings could give the mistaken impression that you are pleased or satisfied with something that is not pleasurable or agreeable.
You have the right to say NO. Being submissive does not take away your right to have dislikes or negative feelings about things. If something is happening or about to happen that you feel strongly opposed to, it's your duty to speak up. Remember, failing to communicate the word NO is the same as saying YES.
You have the right to expect happiness in life. Being submissive is not tantamount to being miserable, suffering or a life of despair. Your submission should bring you joy, peace and fulfillment. If it doesn't, then something is wrong.
You have the right to have input in a relationship. You are an active partner in any relationship you enter and have every right to contribute to it. You are submissive, not passive. A relationship that doesn't include your needs, thoughts, hopes and desires is not one you should be in to begin with. This applies to friendships, partnerships and D/s relationships.
You have the right to belong. Being submissive greatly involves the feeling of belonging. Many submissives have expressed that it was in discovering their submissive nature that they felt as through they "belonged" for the first time in their lives. You belong to the lifestyle and will eventually belong to the One. It's in that relationship you should find the final fulfillment of "belonging" at last.
You have the right to be loved and to love. Anyone who tells you that love doesn't fit into a D/s relationship has never experienced the fulfillment of all it truly can be. Submissives are by nature loving and needing of love and have every right to expect this to be a part of their lives. It takes love to bring your submission into full bloom, so don't settle for less.
You have the right to be healthy. Health involves your physical, mental and emotional well-being. Any relationship, D/s or otherwise, that causes you to suffer physically, mentally or emotionally, beyond your limits, is abuse. There is no place for abusive behavior in a D/s relationship and it's up to you to make sure those lines are not crossed.
Being a submissive does not give anyone the right to harm or injure you in any way. The D/s community will stand behind you if you should encounter such a situation but you are the one who has to make them aware before they can help.
You have the right to practice safe sex. Not only is this a right, it's a duty to yourself and others you may come into contact with at a later date. Sexually transmitted diseases have reached epidemic proportions and must be a concern to any sexually active person. Safe Sex is something you have the right to insist upon and protecting yourself should never be discouraged by anyone who really has your best interests at heart.
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"A Grief Observed" - Thoughts on Grief and Bereavement
First, I would like to say that I have been truly grateful to all my readers who chose to reach out to me with support, advice, suggestions, and words of comfort following my last despairing journal entry.
I knew I could count on this community and you didn't let me down. The consensus seems to be that it is truly time for me to let go and move on. I agree that I can't fully commit to a new Master until I relinquish the Master I devotedly loved and served until his death. This, hopefully, will be my final journal entry about Master Steve, though I can't promise that in truth.
One reader recommended a book by C.S. Lewis, entitled, "A Grief Observed." It is a relatively slim volume, and a little Christian for my tastes, but there is a lot of good information in it, and a wealth of emotions I can very well identify with.
I'm glad that it is a fairly compact little book. It's not nearly so overwhelming as some of the grief books I've looked at over the past two years. I'd like to quote a few (actually quite a few) passages that really "resonated" with me, in the hopes that they may be of help to other bereaved individuals. Fair warning, this entry is a little long.
I have adapted the quotes to suit my own personal situation. Those sections I've changed have been denoted by [square brackets]. So, in no particular order:
"On the rebound one passes into tears and pathos. Maudlin tears. I almost prefer the moments of agony. These are at least clean and honest. But the bath of self-pity, the wallow, the loathsome sticky-sweet pleasure of indulging it - that disgusts me. And even while I'm doing it I know it leads me to misrepresent [Master Steve himself]. Give that mood its head and in a few minutes I shall have substituted for the real [man] a mere [mannequinn] to be blubbered over. Thank God the memory of [him] is still too strong (will it always be too strong?) to let me get away with it."
"And no one ever told me about the laziness of grief. Except at my job - where the machine seems to run on much as usual - I loathed the slightest effort. Not only writing but even reading a letter is too much. Even shaving. What does it matter now whether my [legs are] rough or smooth? They say an unhappy man wants distractions - something to take him out of himself. Only as a dog-tired man wants an extra blanket on a cold night; he'd rather lie there shivering than get up and find one. It's easy to see why the lonely become untidy; finally, dirty and disgusting."
"Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief. Do these notes merely aggravate that side of it? Merely confirm the monotonous, tread-mill march of the mind round one subject? But what am I to do?"
"An odd byproduct of my loss is that I'm aware of being an embarrassment to everyone I meet. At work, at the club, in the street, I see people, as they approach me, trying to make up their minds whether they'll say something about it or not. I hate it if they do, and if they don't."
"Perhaps the bereaved ought to be isolated in special settlements like lepers."
"To some I'm worse than an embarrassment. I am a death's head. Whenever I met a happily married pair I can feel them both thinking, 'One or the other of us must some day be as [she] is now."
"There is one place where [his] absence comes locally home to me, and it is a place I can't avoid. I mean my own body. It had such a different importance while it was the body of [Master Steve's slave]. Now it's like an empty house."
"I am thinking about [him] nearly always. Thinking of the [Master Steve] facts - real words, looks, laughs, and actions of [his]. But it is my own mind that selects and groups them. Already, less than a month after [his] death, I can feel the slow, insidious beginning of a process that will make the [Master Steve] I think of into a more and more imaginary [man]. Founded on fact, no doubt. I shall put in nothing fictitious (or I hope I shan't). But won't the composition inevitably become more and more my own? The reality is no longer there to check me, to pull me up short, as the real [Master Steve] so often did, so unexpectedly, by being so thoroughly [himself] and not me."
"Do I hope that if feeling disguises itself as thought I shall feel less? Aren't all these notes the senseless writhings of a man who won't accept the fact that there is nothing we can do with suffering except to suffer it? Who still thinks there is some device (if only he could find it) which will make pain not to be pain."
"It's not true that I'm always thinking of [Master Steve]. Work and conversation make that impossible. But the times when I'm not are perhaps my worst. For then, though I have forgotten the reason, there is spread over everything a vague sense of wrongness, of something amiss."
"What's wrong with the world to make it so flat, shabby, worn-out looking? Then I remember."
"This is one of the things I'm afraid of. The agonies, the mad midnight moments, must, in the course of nature, die away. But what follows: Just this apathy, this dead flatness? Will there come a time when I no longer ask why the world is like a mean street because I shall take the squalor as normal? Does grief finally subside into boredom tinged by faint nausea?"
"You can't see anything properly while your eyes are blurred with tears. You can't, in most things, get what you want if you want it too desperately; anyway, you can't get the best out of it."
"I think I am beginning to understand why grief feels like suspense. It comes from the frustration of so many impulses that had become habitual. Thought after thought, feeling after feeling, action after action, had [Master Steve] for their object. Now their target is gone. I keep on thought habit fitting an arrow to the string; then I remember and have to lay the bow down. So many roads lead thought to [Master Steve]. I set out on one of them. But now there's an impassable frontier-post across it. So many roads once, now so many culs de sac."
"For all pairs of lovers without exception, bereavement is a universal and integral part of our experience of love. It follows marriage as normally as marriage follows courtship or as autumn follows summer. It is not a truncation of the process but one of its phases; not the interruption of the dance but the next figure."
"Still, there's no denying that in some sense I 'feel better,' and with that comes at once a sort of shame, and a feeling that one is under a sort of obligation to cherish and foment and prolong one's unhappiness. I've read about that in books, but I never dreamed I should feel it myself."
"Tonight all the hells of young grief have opened again, the mad words, the bitter resentment, the fluttering in the stomach, the nightmare unreality, the wallowed-in tears. For in grief nothing 'stays put.' One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But if a spiral, am i going up or down it?"
"How often - will it be for always? - how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, 'I never realized my loss till this moment'? The same leg is cut off time after time. The first plunge of the knife into the flesh is felt again and again."
"Sorrow, however, turns out to be not a state but a process."
"Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape." |
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I need the assistance, support, guidance, and kind words of my heretofore helpful readers, if they would grant me their kind indulgence.
Two years have passed since the tragic death of my dearly beloved Master Steve (09-10-06). Is it truly time for me to let go?
Is it time for me to stop marking the anniversaries of his death? Is it time for me to stop referring to him altogether - on CollarMe and related sites, as well as in conversations with people?
Is it finally time to let him go, even while I have not finished, and may not ever finish, grieving him? Am I keeping Master Steve from moving to the light? Is he stuck here in limbo, looking out for his bimbo?
I will consider each and every response before I decide what to do about it. And please be nice. This is hard for me...
Thank you to all my peeps, keepin' it real... |
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A "helpful" Dom wrote to me today. At least, I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt and assuming he meant to be helpful rather than that he was simply being obnoxious.
His email said, in its entirety, "If you want a butch woman, go to a queer bar."
Well, my first response (which I did not send) was, "Duh, I never considered that, asshole." But the truth of the matter is that I have. There are several issues, however.
First of all, writing in my journal is something I do to express my feelings, thoughts, emotions, rants, raves, experiences, and so forth. While I genuinely do appreciate feedback on my journal, comments like his simply aren't very constructive.
Second, a butch woman is only one of the things I seek. More importantly, I'm looking for a Dom/Master. Whether that person turns out to be a man or a woman, I'm open to the possibilities.
The main problem with his suggestion, however, is the same thing that would be true if he had told me, "If you want to find a Dom, go to a bar."
The D/s aspect is the most important thing to me. I have no more expectations of randomly finding a dominant man, much less a Master, at a straight bar than I do of finding a dominant woman at a "queer bar."
That's my latest rant. My name is tamsen and I approved this message.
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Below are some of the words I try to live by - gathered from various sources over the years. I hope you find some humor, and perhaps some useful concepts below.
It's an abundant Universe.
Be afraid, but do it anyway. [Unknown]
May you live as long as you wish, and love as long as you live. [Robert A. Heinlein]
There are more choices than you think - always. [Unknown]
An end is the beginning of something, always. [Spider Robinson]
Whatever has a beginning has an ending; make your peace with that and all will be well. [The Buddha]
I celebrate the Bitch Goddess within! [Unknown]
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. [Albert Einstein]
An it harm none, do as thou wilt. Let this be the whole of the law. [Aleicester Crowley]
I suddenly have this dreadful urge to be merry. [Morticia Addams]
Never read a book of demon-summoning aloud, even as a joke. [Rules For A Safe Halloween]
Some drink deeply from the River of Knowledge. Others only gargle. [Unknown]
Sometimes Life sucks - that's a profound truth. The flip side is - sometimes it sucks rather well... [Unknown]
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. [Miss Piggy]
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Where does one go these days to meet a nice dominant butch woman?
I love men, I really do, but lately I've found myself more and more missing female energy in my life. I need that balance, that yin and yang. As a femme, I'm longing for a butch.
I expect that most of them are put off by the fact that I'm bisexual and polyamorous. That makes me sad.
I truly believe that one can have many true loves and several "soul mates." Some can be male and some can be female. Maybe I'm greedy, but I want it all. But I'm also willing to give it all.
I've been very fortunate. I've already had several soul mates in my life and many loved ones. Some have been lost through tragedy. Others through the vicissitudes of life. Some lovers have simply played their part in my life and moved on.
I'm truly grateful for the loves I've had and I'm longing for the loves to come. |
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Several people have told me recently that they've been reading my journal. I'm truly honored by that. I have one suggestion, though.
When you just click on "View Journal," it gives you my entire journal at once - but it does it in one big ugly, unformatted block of text. I absolutely hate the look of it.
If, instead, you click on "View Full Profile," you get my journal with all the formatting I put so much effort into. It looks infinitely better and it's definitely easier to read.
It requires a little more effort because you have to scroll to the bottom of the profile for each new page, but I think it will be well worth your time to do so.
I hope you enjoy reading my journal. If you like it, please feel free to subscribe. Either way, and as always, I hope you find the pleasures that feed your souls.
Most respectfully,
tamsen |
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I'm sitting at the Enclave (one of the local public dungeons in the Denver area) and feeling kind of low.
I love this place. I adore this place. It is like a second home to me. It's my community. Lately, however, it seems that my community is not appreciating the blessing and the privelege it has in the Enclave.
Attendance has been down, and a lot of nights I just don't know how Michael and Deb manage to carry on. If it was me, I would feel bitter, or at least hurt, that there isn't better support.
I truly don't understand it. I think that maybe the Denver BDSM community is just plain cheap - even though the entry fee and annual membership fees are very reasonable.
If a facility like this existed in any other major city, especially on either of the coasts, I imagine it would be very well supported. I don't know that, but I believe it. And I'd love to see it happen here.
I've written about this subject before in my journal, but I'm just feeling very strongly about it again. I would be devastated if I lost my dungeon away from home.
And for heaven's sake, if I didn't have the Enclave to come to, I'd be out on the streets getting myself into trouble every Friday and Saturday evening. We wouldn't want that. |
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Cage Song
Cage sings me a love song, a siren song, a song of sleeping in confines. Wrought Iron. Massive. Black. So perfectly contained and controlled by one simple device. A key. Controlled yet by one very complicated device. A man.
The scarlet red of the appointments - talk to me of the scarlet woman who lives to lie here. Her red hair upon her red pillows. Her jezebel red wanton ways, upon her red comforter and sheets.
Locked in her symphony of red and black, sensual and hard, free and caged, metal and cloth - she is oh so happy and contented. Lucky she...
I go now to my wide open bed, free, save for a canopy providing lip service to security. Wrought iron providing no reassuringly contained feeling. My bed, soft, covered with an ivy pattern, very feminine, and a teddy bear.
What I wouldn't give for a Master, a cage, and a key.
I hope you find something of use in my sleepy words.
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Self-Portrait:
The main characters in my Self-Portrait are: Tamsen, Tammy, Terra, Nova, Liraa, Daphne, Antaeus, Shiva, Little One, and Fury. Baby tammy was born later, after the Self Portrait was done. Each character has their own personality and fairly well-defined tasks...
A good friend of mine once said, "There can be two or more centers of consciousness even in a normal, healthy person (the split personality or ego states disorder are the extreme cases, but it's a matter of degree)."
I think that's a wonderful take on my Self-Portrait. I hope my readers won't be too put off by any of this. Some of the people I've talked to about it have thought that this is a really weird concept, and one that only multiple personalities "suffer" from. I have found it to be a very handy construct - but to each their own.
Please keep in mind that there's a fair amount of overlap between the personalities, with particular combinations sharing certain traits.
The responsibility for introducing these characters would, by definition, fall to Tamsen.
See if you can pick out each personality from the self-portrait. [A photograph of it is on my CollarMe profile.]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tamsen
Tamsen is the brain, the interface between inner and outer worlds.
She is literary, intellectual, conversational.
She is primarily responsible for communication and "ordinary" social interactions.
She's the Unitarian Universalist, questioning everything.
She reads voraciously.
She loves word games, puzzles, and dictionaries.
She's the punny one, the funny one, the clever one, the writer, the genius, the wit...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tammy
Tammy is the muscle.
She's the drudge.
Her primary feeling is the sense of duty.
She does the dirty work.
She washes the dishes, cleans up the spilled milk, and picks up the broken pieces.
She carries on with the business of life and it's many onerous obligations.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Terra
Terra is the heart, the positive emotional center.
Her emotions are all based on Love.
She is the sexual, the sensual, the romantic, the maternal, the winsome.
She's the dreamer, the starry-eyed believer, the craftsperson.
She's the Creator, the caretaker, the animal lover, the Pagan...
She's the Earth Mother, the Goddess.
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Nova
Nova is the really screwed up aspect - the neurotic, the suicidal, the alcoholic, the addictive.
She's creative, as the quintessential "tortured artist."
It is Nova who does the self-portraits and other artwork.
She's agoraphobic, and afraid all the time.
She can't trust anyone, especially herself.
She's a terribly sad and broken spirit, living in a world of violence and unpredictability.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Liraa
Liraa is the logical, analytical one.
She's the organizer, the punctual, the anal-retentive.
She has few feelings for people.
She has an absolute passion for the Truth, for scientific method, for empirical evidence.
Her joys are education, research, learning, discovery, serendipity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daphne
Daphne is the eternal optimist, the giggly, the flirtatious.
She sings and dances and brings joy to others.
She is whimsical. She is the sybarite, the voluptuary, the submissive, the slave, the great lay.
She always has fun with life, whatever the situation may be.
She is bubbly, cuddly, and cute.
She loves the world, loves people - and people love her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Antaeus
Antaeus is the masculine, the aggressive, the competitive, the Dominant, the strong.
He is the activist, the rabble-rouser, the trouble-maker.
His drive, well-directed, gets things done.
He is the wrestler, the sportsman.
He is strengthened by his connection to the earth, and weakened by the lack.
He's suffering a bit these days...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shiva
Shiva is the spiritual essence, the seeker, the soul.
She is filled with an inner peace, that others can only hope to achieve one day.
She is calmness, tranquillity, serenity.
She is as one with the abundance of the Universe.
She doesn't visit often enough...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little One
Little One is the trapped and abused child, always besieged, from without and within.
Life for Little One is unpredictable and always frightening.
She's the terrified child within, who has no hope of ever escaping.
She inflicts as much damage on herself as she suffers from others,
But she can't seem to see it or stop it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fury
Fury is exactly who her name implies.
She's the angry, the violent, the righteous.
She's burns with hot and cold passions.
She's the one most likely to act impulsively, and destructively - whether to herself or to others.
She's not "out" nearly as much as she used to be, but she's probably never going away entirely either.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Baby tammy
Baby tammy is not in the self-portrait, because she came later.
She is the innocent child full of wonder.
She is happy and loving and playful.
She can be a bit of a brat, but never in a bad way.
Baby tammy is various ages between two and six.
She is a sweetheart and everyone loves to play with her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's all so much more complicated than that, but those are the basic character traits. Various personalities have been dominant at various points in my life...
Please keep in mind that these are conscious constructs. As far as I know, I do not have Multiple Personality Disorder or Ego States Disorder...
Any questions?
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The following is part of an email exchange I had with one of the subscribers to my blog/journal.
______________________
Thank you very much for your input on my most recent blogs/journal entries. I really appreciated all of the feedback and the support you gave me.
You said, "Its none of my business but I am concerned about the combination of drugs, that's quite a cocktail but im sure you have talked with your doctor about them"
Well, actually, *I* made this your business by posting my comments on a public journal/blog, so please don't worry about that. If I didn't welcome feedback - good, bad, or indifferent - it would be silly for me to post that kind of information where everyone could read it (especially my loyal journal subscribers, such as yourself).
I agree that it's quite a cocktail that I take every night (and I only shared about the big stuff - there are lots of other meds I take at the same time, as well as others in the morning).
Truth be told, I *do* very much worry about the combination, particularly in light of deaths such as that of Anna Nicole Smith, where she died from a very similar drug cocktail. I believe her son died from drug interactions as well... And so did my own mother.
Yes, I worry every night, but I continue to faithfully take this noxious and potentially-lethal cocktail.
The one really good thing about my situation is that I have stopped combining the drug cocktail with an alcoholic one (or two). I don't ever drink and drug any more.
To ease your minds a little bit, my devoted fans and friends, I want you to know that I have one very ethical and highly competent doctor (can you tell I have a bit of a crush on him?).
His sole function in my life is to oversee all of my medications, as prescribed by a number of other doctors on my substantial and wonderful medical team.
As stated previously, the list of meds I mentioned in my journal/blog is only a fraction of the drugs I'm taking on a daily basis.
So, if I suddenly keeled over, I think the first place for my survivors to look would be at the enormous amounts of medications entering my system every single day for the past two decades or more.
My survivors would need to keep several things in mind, such as - how long did these medications hold me together? Would I have been worse off without them? Would my quality of life have suffered without these medications? Did they in any way make my life happier, healthier, easier, and/or more productive? Perhaps difficult questions to answer, but useful information nonetheless.
To end on a happier note - I love the way my journal subscriber signed His email. Huggs and Spanks. That's how my Master would sign some of his emails. This signature gave me a happy reminder of happier times. Thank you.
Most respectfully,
tamsen
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I just re-read last night's entry in my journal. Wow! Some really weird shit. *I* wrote it and I don't even understand it! Amazing what comes out of our brains when we're on some good drugs.
Since I've taken that same combination of drugs tonight, I think I better get off-line quick before they kick in and more of my psychosis comes out.
Thanks for your patience, my friends.
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Every now and again, I find myself onboard my virtual memory train. I am then compelled to explore each car and every connection looking for itinerant typos and dropped words, which are then summarily beaten, extorted, wrangled, and mutilated into some semblance of order.
I do this by re-reading every single word of every single entry in my journal/blog, no matter how long it takes - and believe me, it *is* a journey. If you plan to take this ride, bring sandwiches and a refreshing beverage. You *will* need sustenance to survive it.
What I have discovered is that this is a very, very long train, just chock full of odd people.
Some of the passengers are bitching and whining and moaning and pissing in their beer. Others are ranting and raving and just generally hacked off about something. Some are crying. Some are angry. Some are hurting. Some are provocative little brats. Some are, well, let's just say it - sarcastic, bitchy, know-it-all assholes.
On the other hand, many of the passengers are really well-behaved, salt-of-the-earth types - proper ladies and good little girls. These ladies and these little girls have some really good pearls of wisdom and some generally-great advice to share. More people should listen to these little dolls and take their advice, or at least observe their examples.
One passenger is an apparently-doddering old fool who repeats the same stuff over and over, not in the hope of convincing anyone of anything. No, she's just lost track of herself and fails to realize that it's all been said before. So, in her eternal wisdom, she says it all again. And again. She clearly has memory issues.
One passenger in particular is filled with the most terrible angst and despair over a loved one lost. This great and grand loss has consumed her life to varying degrees over the past couple of years. She can't seem to overcome the tragedy.
While she does seem to be making some headway in her particular journey, it should be noted that there is a certain amount of redundancy and repetitiveness in what she writes.
She writes and writes of her pain and her loss, hoping that it will eventually lessen the burden she bears. Sadly, it never seems to relieve her.
She's a very nice lady, for all of that. Pretty much everyone loves her and is willing to tolerate her self-absorbedness to some degree. Some can tolerate more than others, of course. Patience is a virtue on this train.
There have been those who have suggested that we throw her from the train. But we understand her and would never do that.
Feel her pain and let her be. She'll come out of it eventually. Or she'll be lost to us forever. And that would be yet another tragedy, because so many people love her and care about her and would do just about anything to help her. She just can't see it. Not yet.
The upshot of this ride on the virtual memory train is that we, the conductors of this crazy, out-of-control vehicle, really don't care how much repetitiveness and/or redundancy takes place on the train.
It is more important to us that the passengers get every opportunity to express themselves fully, and as often as they wish - whether we like it or not. Whether we agree or disagree with their views is not particularly important.
If anyone other than a resident of this train feels put out or put off by this attitude, well, they can easily get off of this train at any point, and find one that suits them better.
_______________________________
This has been yet another in a series of journals / blogs brought to you by the very effective combination of Ambien (a sleeping pill), Relafen (a muscle relaxant), Lamictal (an antidepressent), Lyrica (a very strong pain pill), and Geodon (an anti-psychotic or the latest monster to hit Tokyo).
The above-mentioned group encourages us to babble and gibber quite contentedly about absolutely nothing, while making very little sense - and to be vewwwy vewwwy sleepy and relaxed while doing so.
So, cheerio and off to bed with the wild, the wicked, the pickled, the good, and the pure. |
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You know how you sometimes get a song stuck in your head and you can't get it out? I've had the Moody Blues song, "Question" going around and around for days. I don't mind it getting stuck there, because it's a song I love.
I also love the title of the album, "A Question of Balance." It's something that I've been sorely missing in the two years since Master Steve died. Balance.
It's a component that we desperately need in this dance we do - Masters and slaves, submission and dominance. We couldn't do this dance, or live this lifestyle, without it. Balance.
It seems to me that this song beautifully illustrates some of how I feel about my place in this lifestyle and what I'm looking for. I particularly love the part where it says, "I'm looking for someone to change my life; I'm looking for a miracle in my life." There's something about the way it's sung - it's hauntingly beautiful. The lyrics, in part, are as follows:
It's not the way that you say it
When you do those things to me
It's more the way that you mean it
When you tell me what will be
And when you stop and think about it
You won't believe it's true
That all the love you've been giving
Has all been meant for you.
I'm looking for someone to change my life,
I'm looking for a miracle in my life
And if you could see what it's done to me,
To lose the love I knew
Could safely lead me through.
Between the silence of the mountains,
And the crashing of the sea,
There lies a land I once lived in,
And she's waiting there for me,
But in the grey of the morning,
My mind becomes confused,
Between the dead and the sleeping,
And the road that I must choose.
I'm looking for someone to change my life,
I'm looking for a miracle in my life
And if you could see what it's done to me,
To lose the love I knew,
Could safely lead me to
The land that I once knew,
To learn as we grow old
The secrets of our soul.
It's not the way that you say it
When you do those things to me
It's more the way you really mean it
When you tell me what will be
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I just realized, thanks to a friend on CollarMe, that I hadn't told very many people about my motorcycle. It was with deep regret and after much soul searching that I decided to sell my beloved motorcycle. She drove off to Iowa to be with her new owner in early June 2008. I will miss her very much, and I will also miss my biking community. |
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I read the following in the profile of blakejsmith and to me it perfectly illustrates the difference between being a slave and being a sub.
the word "slave" means no limits, and
with that, a commitment up front to
always obey, this differentiates from a
"sub" who consciously chooses to obey
at every request, every order; in essence
"consent to non consent".
I can be a sub to a particular person and a slave to another. For me, the ultimate goal is to serve as a slave, but that journey begins as a sub - until we get to know each other well enough to determine whether a Master/slave relationship might work between us.
If I'm going to agree to a "no-limits" arrangement, I have to know that the other person will never put me in a situation that is damaging to me - physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, or legally. That takes time. |
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"A man who wishes to be a superior Master must learn to master superior women." [William Seabrook]
I am an intelligent, head-strong woman - and I am also a challenging slave. If a man cannot Master himself, he certainly will not be able to Master me.
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Growing a Master/slave relationship
It seems to me that an M/s relationship is like any other - only more so. As more-or-less mature and experienced adults, I hope we all understand that it takes time and attention to grow a relationship from inception to fruition.
A seed must be planted, given food, water, shelter, and sunlight. It must be nurtured and cared for. Even with all that time and care invested, most seeds never grow to be luxurious, beautiful, fully-realized plants. Relationships are no different.
Master/slave relationships, in my opinion, require the greatest amount of care in their growth, because so much is invested on both sides. There is a tremendous responsibility from each party.
The slave in particular is potentially giving up a lot of freedom and so must be certain that she has invested enough time and attention in the growth of the relationship. She is giving her entire *self* to someone else and she had better be certain he is the right person.
So, on a purely personal level, I have to ask - why is it that so many men seem to believe that they can be my Master practically from the get-go?
Yes, I'm attracted to extremely dominant, very assertive, even aggressive men. Yes, I tend to be a very passive, compliant, even *easy* woman at times. But somewhere between those two personality extremes should lie two adult human beings with common sense, rationality, and restraint.
A man can't own me the first night he meets me, even if there is fantastic chemistry and an amazing connection. In all likelihood, he can't even own me within the first half dozen times we date. It just doesn't work that way.
A man *can* probably dictate how I behave during that initial meeting, as well as during any other meetings we have - just because that is my nature. I don't want a relationship between equals, after all.
But a man cannot immediately tell me how to behave when we aren't together - not if he expects complete and honest compliance. After a single meeting, I've had men tell me things like:
I can't wear panties any more
I can't ever wear pantyhose (which I rarely do anyway)
I can't wear pants
I can't wear makeup
I can't cut my hair
I can't eat certain things
I can't drink alcohol
I can't skip exercise sessions
I can't masturbate
I can't cum
I can't see other men
I can't see other women
And there have been dozens of other restrictions on my behavior - things I *must* do, as well as things I must *not* do. After one date! This has happened on numerous occasions, so many that I could no longer ignore it.
I'm flattered that these men *want* to own me. I'm touched (I think) that they want to control my actions. But I don't comprehend the lack of patience they show by this type of behavior and attitude. After all, they don't know me any better than I know them.
Are good subs/slaves in such short supply that so many Doms/Masters would happily take on the responsibility of owning a woman without knowing her heart and soul? Do they think this is the way she should prove herself to them? What's really going on here?
I am but the seed of a slave, needing a firm hand, but a gentle hand - one that will provide me with the guidance, sustenance, and nurturance I need. But I will grow to fullness only with time and patience.
When it comes to the Master/slave garden, green thumbs needed. Please apply within. |
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Writer's Cramp
I've done some "quick" analysis of my correspondence over the past year or so that I've been on CollarMe. The figures are approximate, because I didn't archive all of the emails that have been exchanged. The real numbers would actually be higher. And the totals don't even count all the multitude of chats I've participated in, both on CollarMe's private chat and yahoo IM!
In total, I have exchanged over 3,704 emails. Of these, 1,723 were with people I have never met, and will probably never meet (mostly because they're out of my area).
1,981 emails have been exchanged with people that I ultimately met. The email exchanges ranged from one set of emails exchanged to 468 emails exchanged with a single person.
Of all those email exchanges, I have managed to meet 48 people, 23 of whom were potential play partners. The others were simply potential friends.
Some of those potentials have been met. I have developed some really wonderful friendships (both in person and on-line). Some of the potential mates ended up being play partners and/or lovers, whether for a single night or up to six months.
In addition to the emails, chats, and meetings, I have written at least 37 journal entries. I'm freakin' tired of writing!
So, if you've written to me and you're waiting for a response, please be patient. <G> |
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I wanted to make a couple of notes about my photographs, for those who have asked, and for those who may be interested. The pictures span a period of about five years, and are numbered the way CollarMe numbers them (Main, 1, 2, 3, etc.).
The main photo was taken on 04-12-2007. I was on my knees, gazing adoringly up into the face of a man I loved devotedly. Sadly, he is no longer able to be a part of my life, but the time we spent together was invaluable. I hope to find that kind of connection and chemistry again someday. Chip was the first man to give me hope after the death of Master Steve.
Photo 1 (the very blurry photo) was also taken on 04-12-2007. I wish the quality of the photo was better, but I like the expression and posture it captured. Plus, I think it showed off the corset and the posture collar pretty well, considering...
Photo 2 was also taken on 04-12-2007, in my bedroom. The painting in the background was done by my mother many years ago. It is not a painting of two little boys, as someone commented that it appeared. It is actually a painting of myself and my older sister at the ages of about 7 and 8, on a camping trip in the Colorado Rockies.
Photo 3 was also taken on 04-12-2007. It was a fun day - lots of pictures, and lots of play. I wanted to show off the posture collar. I have another picture from that day, which shows a neck corset laced tightly over the posture collar. Very intense. Too intense for CollarMe, apparently. They said, "The photo is too extreme for our community." LOL
Photo 4 was taken on Oscar Night (02-29-2004) at a mostly-gay totally-fabulous gala party in San Francisco. I just wanted to show that I clean up pretty well too...
Photo 5 was taken on New Year's Eve (12-31-2003) at one of the local Colorado dungeons. The Labyrinth has since closed, but I spent several happy years playing there on a regular basis.
Photo 6 was taken on the same New Year's Eve as above - just showing off the legs...
Photo 7 was taken while visiting my sister in San Francisco, on 03-02-2004. We were reading Good-Night stories to each other. I adore age play - cuddling up with a blankie, telling stories, mmmm...
Photo 8 was taken at one of my motorcycle club meetings. It was taken at the Denver Detour on 05-05-2007. My license plate says it all. I'm a slave and I'm not ashamed to let the world know it. I don't know if it's visible or not, but there's also a patch on my motorcycle vest that says, "slave."
Photo 9 is a picture of myself and my beloved Master. It was taken on 09-10-2006, half an hour before my Master's fatal accident. It was one of the last truly happy moments in my life. I hope, and expect, that there will be many, many more. I honestly believe that someday I will find another Master, one whom I will love and adore and live for, just as I did for Master Steve. It's a beautiful day, Master...
Photo 10 was taken just this past holiday season (12/11/2007) at my sister's house in the San Francisco Bay area. My darling little sister is also a submissive. Clearly, we were raised right. For more information about my sister, she is teasybratt on CollarMe - but she's definitely not available. She has given her heart to a very special man in her area. She also has a spouse she loves dearly.
I hope you have enjoyed my photos. If not, please don't feel obliged to tell me so. Thank you. May you all find the pleasures that feed your souls. |
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I have a very extensive journal. Almost anything you want to know about me, you can find out by reading the entries below. Yes, it will take some time. Whether it is worthwhile or not, only you can say. |
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In the interest of complete transparency, I need to mention that I *am* married. Please don't stop reading yet.
My husband and I have a completely open, honest platonic marriage. We have not had a sexual relationship in well over ten years, but we remain very good friends.
He has several girlfriends - one in Colorado, and two who are out-of-state. He is totally vanilla and understands my need to find a Master. I cannot exist without that D/s dynamic in my life.
The fact that I have a husband does not in any way change my ability to have a 24/7 relationship with a Master/Dom. I can (and I need to) belong to someone 24/7 - heart, mind, body, soul, and spirit.
For a more detailed essay about how I feel that this kind of relationship is possible, please feel free to read my journal entry about polyamory (in a section just a little bit below this one).
My late Master (who was killed on 09-10-06) had 24/7 access to me and to my home. My husband has his own separate living space in the house, and there is always plenty of privacy for sex, play, or whatever.
My husband is more like a roommate than anything else - only better. He's out of the house three or four nights a week, and he's in his own space most of the time that he is home.
If you are interested in me, please don't be put off by the added complexity of my life. I can very easily make it worth your while to get to know me.
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I'm in San Francisco until December 31st visiting family. Until I get back, my internet access will be very sporadic and limited. If you have written to me during the month of December, please be patient. I will try to get caught up within the first few weeks of the new year. Happy Holidays to all. |
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Polyamory: Sex, Love, and Intimacy
I am, at heart, a polyamorous woman. I always have been and I always will be. To me, being poly represents the ability to be involved in simultaneous loving, intimate relationships. These relationships may include love, sex, commitment, intimacy, and a variety of other characteristics.
I am certainly capable of living monogamously if that is something I have agreed to. I can only conceive that I would do this if I were in another life-long committed Master/slave relationship - and only if he insisted on monogamy. Behaving in a monogamous fashion does not, however, change my poly nature. I am simply willing to do it if there is enough of a loving connection with someone - and it is that important to them.
I am not a cheater. I believe in transparency with a partner. I generally practice compassionate radical honesty (almost self-destructively so at times) with my friends and partners.
I never try to get away with something. I'm a confessor, a recovering Roman Catholic. I can't live with guilt and I can't live with lying to someone I care about. So, if I've done something I don't think my partner(s) would approve of, I almost always tell them at the first possible opportunity (so long as it's an appropriate time and place).
If it's something particularly difficult to talk about, I will often open the discussion with a written letter. I usually write the letter and give it to them in person (though sometimes I email it). This allows me the time and quiet to fully state what happened and how I feel about it - without distractions, being interrupted, or getting angry and defensive.
Reading the letter gives the other person time to digest the issue without the distractions of an emotional discussion. When they're ready, we discuss the situation (hopefully without too much drama). I would always prefer to discuss an issue, or even fight about it, rather than sit on it and wait. For me that just causes my feelings to build and ferment to a bigger explosion.
I think its important to be clear that being in several relationships simultaneously has absolutely nothing negative to do with any of the individuals involved. It isn't (or shouldn't be) a judgment, a criticism, or emotional blackmail. Specifically, it doesn't mean that one person is deficient in some way. It just means that I'm getting different needs (and desires) met from different people.
Poly should not be used as a weapon. For instance, it would be totally inappropriate for me to say something like, "You're not fucking me as much as I want to be fucked, so I'm going to get it elsewhere." While that may very well be true (considering that I'm a nymphomaniac and a slut), there are much better ways to handle situations like that.
There have been times in my life (even recently) when I have certainly acted immaturely, or said nasty things in a moment of anger. It doesn't happen terribly often, and I always try to make amends when I've hurt someone in this way.
I simply do not believe (and never have) that one person can meet all the needs of another. It may *seem* that way in the initial stages of a relationship when there is NRE (New Relationship Energy) going on. But that NRE eventually wears off and the honeymoon comes to an end. That's when we really find out which needs are not being met fully.
That post-NRE period is also when we fully realize which *wants* (as opposed to actual needs) are not being satisfied. For instance, if I love holding hands during a romantic dinner in an intimate setting and my partner hates that - a *want* is not being satisfied. I won't die. It isn't a relationship deal breaker.
But I think that satisfying wants can often *feel* as necessary as getting needs met. If I never get to go to an amusement park again, because my partner hates them, there will inevitably be some resentment build-up. But if I have another partner who LOVES riding through the tunnel of love and making out on the Ferris wheel, I can get my wants satisfied with no reflection on the other partner.
That is why most people have several friends. They find different things to enjoy in each person, because each relationship has its own unique chemistry and appeal.
One can say that is great to have lots of friends, but that it should be enough to have one loving partner. I disagree. I think it's great to have both.
As an example, my late Master, for a variety of reasons, just didn't particularly enjoy performing oral sex - so he never did it during our entire relationship. That was fine. It wasn't a *need*.And it obviously wasn't a deal breaker. But he allowed me to have a female lover, who happened to LOVE eating pussy, enjoyed fine dining in romantic restaurants, and was always happy to take me dancing. None of these were things Master Steve was interested in.
I got different needs met from each of my intimate partners, and I got different desires met from each of them. Nothing was taken away from either, and no one felt that they were being compared and found lacking. It worked for us.
I don't necessarily believe that poly can work for everyone. Certainly not everyone has a poly nature, and that can't be forced. No one should be forced into a lifestyle that is against their nature - whether it's polyamory, bisexuality, monogamy, BDSM, or whatever.
I have an almost unlimited capacity for love, intimacy, sex, and fun. What I don't have is an unlimited supply of time and energy. That is one of the limiting factors in poly living. It requires a balance, making sure each person knows that they are loved, making sure that each person feels that they're getting enough time and attention. Sometimes one person needs more - such as during a crisis or celebration (wedding planning, for example). Other relationships can suffer at those times, unless there is the understanding that we are doing the best we can to balance the finite resources. Things generally even out over time.
Being poly isn't easy. It isn't for the faint of heart. It's complicated. It's time-consuming. It can be emotionally painful at times. It's particularly difficult for those who have poor self-esteem and low self-confidence. But if you can work out all the issues openly and honestly, the rewards are soooo worth the effort.
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PLEASE READ THIS SECTION BEFORE WRITING TO ME.
I always try to be positive, polite, civil, and respectful. I truly try to answer everyone who writes to me, but there have been hundreds! I just can't do it any more.
I really, really *hate* having to do this, but I have been so frustrated and overwhelmed by the numbers of people who have obviously written to me without reading my profile.
Please at least read the following points:
 I am specifically looking for a local (Denver, Colorado) Master.
 I am NOT willing to relocate. Period.
If you are cheating on a significant other, I'm not willing to collaborate in the deception.
If you're new to the lifestyle, don't know what this stuff is all about, or are unsure of your role, I probably won't be interested.
If you're a switch, submissive, slave, bottom, or bisexual male Dominant, I might be willing to talk to you, but I probably won't develop a long-term relationship with you. I'm looking for a straight male Dom/Master.
If you're looking for kinky sex, friends with benefits (FWBs), fuck buddies, or occasional play partners, I'm probably not the right person for you (though I won't necessarily rule it out...).
_____________________
Looking for my Master...
Please, please do not write to me unless you have read my entire profile (and preferably at least some of my journal). It may save us both some time, trouble, and misunderstandings.
Yes, I acknowledge that this is an extraordinarily long profile. I tend to be very open, honest, and thorough. If you read my profile and like what you've read (and you meet my guidelines), there is some potential for a relationship.
If you read it and aren't interested, you'll only have invested a few minutes rather than exchanging several emails before finding that out. So, please make the investment.
Whether you contact me or not, I thank you for your time, patience, and attention. I wish you the very best in finding the pleasures that feed your soul...
_________________________
I want to make it clear that I am ONLY looking for a local real-time Master / slave or Dominant / submissive relationship. I am not at all interested in long-distance, email, pen-pal, chat, or cyber relationships.
I love my home in Colorado and I'm truly not interested in relocating. Not now. Probably not ever. I get absolutely nothing out of cyber sex, so please look elsewhere if that's important to you.
I don't have time for a lot of correspondence, and I would prefer not to invest an excessive amount of time on cyber chats, emails, or phone calls. I would much rather get to know you in person.
_________________________
I am an intelligent (Mensa-level), well-read, articulate, honest, passionate, and open-minded submissive woman.
I have been told that I am witty, winsome, and whimsical - and I've been called a "very tall four-year-old." With good reason...
I am very naturally submissive to those who have the right chemistry with me, just as I was very much a slave to the one superior man who has been able to Master me.
Nothing in the world thrills and satisfies me quite so much as the dynamics of a true Total Power Exchange. And it is sooo hard to find the real thing.
_________________________
Because I am vulnerable right now, and because I am protecting the "property" for my future Master, I have several strict guidelines for meeting new people.
First and foremost - you must respect me and my limits. If you try to talk me into breaking any of these rules for the first meeting, we're already done. Without trust and respect, there's no foundation for a relationship, especially in this lifestyle...
1) As previously mentioned, I would prefer not to spend a tremendous amount of time on e-mail, cyber chats, or phone calls. If we don't have chemistry when we meet, we've pretty much wasted our time chatting, however fabulous the on-line or phone connection may be.
2) If you aren't willing to send a reasonably clear photo of yourself (taken within the past two or three years), I probably won't meet you. While I'm not particularly shallow, there has to be mutual physical attraction (along with everything else), or there can't be a significant relationship. Like everyone else, I have definite physical preferences (I LOVE tall men, for instance) in a partner, though these can be overlooked if there is great chemistry between us.
3) I will give you my home address once we have gotten to know each other better. While I very much appreciate the gentlemanly approach, you can pick me up for "dates" in the future, if you wish to do so.
4) I will not get into your car, go to your place, or bring you home with me until we are more familiar with each other. *I* get to decide when I feel safe and comfortable enough to do that.
5) I will absolutely NOT play, have sex, give blow jobs, or otherwise compromise myself physically, emotionally, or sexually on an initial meeting. If it's worth having, it's worth waiting until a second meeting - or possibly even longer.
6) If you think the way to my heart is to send me a pic of your dick, please reconsider. That does absolutely nothing for me. In fact, it leads me to believe that you don't understand women very well.
Yes, I truly am a slave. I am also a strong, intelligent woman who has a modicum of self-respect. I do not tolerate snerts, HNGs (horny net geeks), on-line "Masters," wannabes, users, abusers, fakes, frauds, phonies, manipulators, game players, creeps, bullies, or people who confuse kinky sex with D/s.
_________________________
My ideal person would be someone who has a supreme sense of self-confidence, someone who is capable of taking control - without being a jerk or a bully, someone who knows the difference between dominant and domineering. I need very assertive and strong-willed partners.
Communication, Honesty, Openness, Consistency, Kindness, Integrity, and Fairness are some of the vital attributes I seek in a partner. I also strongly admire a well-developed sense of play and a high libido (if you want to keep up with me).
If you're submissive (or a male switch), I'm definitely not the right person for you. I have a great deal of respect for other slaves, submissives, and switches, but that is simply not what I'm looking for.
I want - no, I need, I crave, someone who has pure unadulterated Dominant energy, someone whose mere glance or a snap of the fingers can control me, someone who can melt my resistance - and my heart.
_________________________
Thank you for taking the time to read my profile. If you haven't actually read this far and you write to me, I'll probably figure it out and ignore you.
I always try to be courteous and respectful. While I may not always be as prompt as I'd like, I generally respond to anyone who has taken the time and interest to write to me. If you have obviously not read the above in full, however, I will not necessarily feel obligated to respond to you.
If you have actually read this far and you're still interested, please write to me. There's a good chance that I'll be interested too.
"A man who wishes to be a superior Master must learn to master superior women."
Most respectfully,
tamsen
P.S. And I don't always talk this much. Truly I don't. A snap of your fingers or THE LOOK will shut me up.
P.P.S. Please feel free to add me to your favorites list. I don't mind, but I appreciate all of those who have asked in the past. Also, I'd love to have you subscribe to my journal. I hope you enjoy it. |
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Public BDSM Facilities
An Impassioned Plea to...
SAVE OUR DUNGEONS
Unlike many major cities, the Denver BDSM community has been blessed with options over the years. There are currently two terrific public dungeons in the metro area. Each of them has its own distinct ambience, and both of them deserve our support.
I wish each of these local establishments tremendous success. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like that is going to happen. BDSM clubs (at least here in Colorado) operate on a very narrow financial margin.
From what I know, and from what I have heard, both of these fine clubs are in imminent danger of closing the doors - forever. That would be a shame. I just don't understand why the Colorado community would allow that to happen.
For the record, I am a member of both clubs. I do not have a vested interest (financial, legal, etc.) in the success or failure of either, except on a personal level. I love this community. It is my family.
One of the two dungeons on the endangered list is what I truly consider to be just about the finest facility in the United States. It is primarily on behalf of this establishment that I am writing.
The Enclave (enclavewest dot...) is a privately-owned, beautiful, spacious, elegant, classy, well-equipped facility. The walls showcase original artwork and fetish photography. The furnishings are comfortable and classy.
The ambience is refined, yet informal. The members are open and accepting to newcomers. The Enclave is a fully pansexual facility - male, female, transgendered, gay, straight, bisexual - anyone and everyone is welcome (as long as they're 21 or older).
There is always a decent spread of food - a hot buffet, deli meats and cheeses, and a tremendous dessert buffet. The price of admission includes all the coffee, tea, soda, and water people might want.
The entry fee is a reasonable $10.00 to $20.00 per night (depending on the event), which includes food and beverages. Annual membership is an incredibly low $25.00!
There are very few activities that are not allowed at the club at this time. Most of them involve fluid transfer - cutting, blood play, water sports, etc. Fire play is not allowed at this time, though they're working on that. Penetration (sex and toys) is not allowed, due to City restrictions on the adult licensing. Full nudity is allowed, except in the kitchen area.
The couple that owns the property have invested well over a million dollars in the purchase, construction, and furnishing of the facility. The play equipment is custom-built, much of it by Sonny Black in California, an amazing craftsman.
In addition to the above, Deb and Michael have fought the city every step of the way so that the Enclave would be a completely legal club. They have won every legal battle to date, but the city keeps trying to shut them down simply because of the kind of activities that we do here, as adults. The next fight is in the Colorado Supreme Court.
Because of the fights Michael and Deb have already won, members and guests can socialize and play in the facility without fear of being raided or shut down on trumped up charges (zoning violations, etc.).
It is my understanding that this is different from almost every other club in the country. Most BDSM clubs are located in rental spaces, which operate under the radar until the police or city officials shut them down. That won't happen at the Enclave.
Deb and Michael have my eternal respect and admiration for the example they have set to other clubs across the country. They weren't willing to allow the City, the county, or the legal system to bully them into shutting down or hiding away.
They believed in our rights to associate and do the things we do without fear of harrassment. They put themselves on the line for all of us and I love them for it. The gay community had the Stonewall riots. The BDSM community has the Enclave working for the rights of all kinksters.
Whether the Enclave remains open or not, Deb and Michael have set a precedent that I hope other clubs will follow. They put their money where their mouths were.
Unfortunately, lack of support may do what the City has failed to do - shut the clubs down. I'm disappointed, frustrated, and confused. I just don't understand why the community would just sit by and allow this to happen.
The Enclave is my community. It is my family. It is my dungeon away from home. I will be heartbroken if we lose it. If both public dungeons in the Denver area are shut down due to lack of interest, the Denver community doesn't deserve them.
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My Ideal Master:
My ideal Master would actually read my entire profile *and* my entire journal before writing to me - because he actually wanted to get to know me, to find out who I am and how I think.
He would care about my innermost thoughts and feelings. He would want me to be transparent - hiding nothing, sharing everything, being my authentic self.
My ideal Master would respect my wishes, my boundaries, and my limits - at least in the initial stages of getting to know each other.
Once we entered into a committed, collared relationship, things would be different. At that point, I would be willing to do anything my Master desired, whether I wanted to do it or not.
Of course, I would be honored and grateful if he would be willing to listen to my feedback and consider my wishes, likes, dislikes, etc.
Once I have accepted a collar, I do what my Master commands, or I return his collar. Those are the only options.
Ideally, he will have thought through the potential repercussions. He will have considered my feelings and my position. He will then make commands that will be ultimately beneficial to both of us, and our relationship.
Other aspects of my ideal Master have been listed in my profile. I don't expect to find someone who is perfect, who exhibits all of the qualities I'm seeking. But I believe I can find someone who is as close to ideal as possible.
When I *do* find him, I will do my best to be everything he wants and needs as well... |
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The Most Beautiful Heart
Two days before Master Steve's tragic motorcycle accident, I read him a story I had found on the Internet. We were dealing with some relationship issues at the time, though we were certainly still very much in love and committed to working things out.
When I read him the story, it brought tears to his eyes. I was very touched that he could show the vulnerable and sentimental side of himself. He opened up after that and we spent the entire day (and the next day) talking about the issues in our relationship and working through them.
Little did I know that two days later, I would lose him. Ten days after reading the story to Master Steve, I would be reading it to a packed church at my beloved Master's funeral services. This is what I read that day:
________________________
A lot of people saw how tough and strong Steve was, but most people never knew how sensitive he was. I read this story to him a couple of weeks ago, and he cried. We both did. I hope I can make it all the way through reading it now. The story is called:
The Most Beautiful Heart
One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley. A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart, for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it.
Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen. The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart. Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said, "Why your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine."
The crowd and the young man looked at the old man's heart. It was beating strongly, but it was full of scars. It had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but they didn't fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing.
The people stared - how can he say his heart is more beautiful, they thought? The young man looked at the old man's heart and saw its state and laughed.
"You must be joking," he said. "Compare your heart with mine, mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears."
"Yes," said the old man, "Yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love - I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart, but because the pieces aren't exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared.
"Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn't returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges - giving love is taking a chance.
Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too, and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?"
The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old man with trembling hands.
The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man's heart. It fit, but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges. The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man's heart flowed into his. They embraced and walked away side by side.
__________________________
I may not have the best and most beautiful heart there is, but I try to give my love and my heart out to who ever needs it. I love my friends and my family - and I love Steve. With his loss, there will always be a huge hole in my heart that can never be filled.
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My year of mourning is officially over. Finally. Yesterday was the anniversary of Master Steve's funeral (which was incredible, by the way).
There are no more firsts - first Thanksgiving without him, first anniversary, first Christmas, first time I forgot he was gone and woke up and dialed his phone, etc.
The end of the "year of mourning" most certainly does *not* mean that I am done grieving. That will probably take years. I can categorically state that this past year has been one of the hardest and most emotionally draining years of my life.
But I have come through it. I have survived. In some ways I have grown. Sadly, that includes the thirty pounds of comfort food I have added to my hips. But that is temporary. I will get back on track...
In the long run, I will be stronger because of the gifts Master Steve gave me and the lessons he taught me.
I will move forward, cherishing the beautiful memories I shared with a marvelous Master and a wonderful, brilliant, charming, funny, sadistic human being (though he was far from perfect).
As I rebuild my life, I will do whatever I can to make him proud (wherever his spirit may be).
From the bottom of my heart, I thank all of those from all over the world who have sent me letters of support, condolences, kind words, compliments, reminders of what I had, encouragement to find a relationship that will be as fulfilling for me, and general good advice.
The international (and local) BDSM community has been here for me when other friends and family haven't been able to understand the depth of my grief. I am so grateful to have this world-wide net of support. Thank you all.
When your turn comes, as it inevitably must, and you have to suffer through painful losses and those dreaded "growth experiences", I truly wish that you will find others who will be for you what you have been for me. Again, I am indebted to all of you.
I wish you all the very best in finding the pleasures that feed your souls.
tamsen |
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In loving memory:
Master Steve Heron
05/25/48 to 09/11/06
Nil Desperandum
As the first anniversary of my beloved Master Steve's death looms, I find myself once again falling into the deep, dark, depths of depression and despair.
I don't want to go out. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone.
I just want to curl up in a ball and cry - or sleep a dreamless sleep. I feel so lost and lonely - but it's a loneliness no amount of friends and loved ones can help me through.
I am deeply grateful that I've been fortunate enough to find several good partnerships in my life, and a few that have been truly special. I feel sad for those who never find even one special connection.
I was incredibly lucky to have had the four years I shared with Master Steve. It was an amazing adventure in so many ways.
I feel no sorrow for him. Only for me, and my own loss. He died doing something he loved, surrounded by friends, with his devoted slave at his side. I don't think he could have planned a better death for himself...
It's a Beautiful Day, Master |
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Emotional Support for Tops
The following is an edited version of an exchange I recently had with a correspondent. In reading my profile, my understanding is that he wondered if I felt that Tops should be superhuman. He was curious about people who might perhaps be looking for what he termed the "dominant white knight". The points of my profile that prompted his question were the following:
1. "...someone who knows the difference between dominant and domineering"
2. "I need very assertive and strong-willed partners"
3. "Communication, Honesty, Openness, Consistency, Kindness, Integrity, and Fairness are some of the vital attributes I seek... also a well-developed sense of play and a high libido"
4. "I need someone who has pure unadulterated Dominant energy"
His comment was, "A number of those, especially when taken in combination, created the curiosity. The most noteworthy being 'pure unadulterated Dominant energy'." He was particularly curious about how I looked at that in a real life context, where the top is both 'dominant' and human (i.e. fallible, emotive, etc.)
He suggested that I might want to put some of this exchange in my profile, so that other Doms would realize up front that I do, in fact, recognize their humanity. He also suggested an excellent question that I might ask of potential partners. The question would be something along the lines of, "How do you see me providing emotional support when life becomes overwhelming?".
Do you see yourself as a person who brings emotional support to your Top?
In general, I would say absolutely yes. However, the type and degree of that emotional support would, of necessity, be determined by the type and level of relationship between us.
If so, how do you see yourself accomplishing that while maintaining the overall hierarchy both during the time you are providing comfort and later ?
The question is rather broad to answer with specifics, but I'll try.
Ideally, my top would be a god. He would always know the answers to my questions and the solutions to my problems (as well as his own). He would always be confident and capable. He would consistently be calm, patient, reasonable, understanding, and just.
He would always know how, and when, to give me the appropriate consequences (good or bad) for my actions. He would be my pillar of strength and would never suffer from self-doubt, depression, despair, or sheer bad temper. He wouldn't *need* any support from me. But that is fantasy, not real life.
The truth of the matter is that I expect my top to be human before anything else. I expect him to have good days and bad days. I know that he will have moments of weakness, doubt, and uncertainty. That reality may be difficult for me to handle at times, but it is as necessary for me to give comfort and support as it is for him to do that for me when I need it.
Master Steve was one of the most confident, self-assured, capable, intelligent, brilliant men I have ever had the privilege to know. But his life wasn't perfect. He certainly wasn't perfect. He had problems, and sometimes they got him down. I saw him lose his temper, rail at the injustices of his life, and even cry many times over our years together.
When he needed it, I held him, loved him, and comforted him in any way I thought might help without minimizing his problems. I listened. I offered my opinion when I thought he might welcome it. He was man enough to respect the intelligence of his slave and appreciate her respectful input.
When he needed to blow off some steam, I sometimes suggested a play session so he could get it out of his system. There were times when a good interrogation scene, or a take-down scene would help when he needed a physical and emotional release.
When he needed a distraction from his troubles, I often offered him a blow job or a massage. I never presumed to know how to solve his problems. I never (well, rarely) tried to take over or tell him he was doing things the wrong way.
There was never any question of my place in our hierarchy. He was my beloved Master. I was his slave. I served him in whatever way I could - even when it meant being a shoulder to cry on, even when it meant being the symbolic "whipping boy."
Master Steve was strong enough, and secure enough in his manhood, that his moments of "weakness" never led him to question his dominance or his role in my life. None of his emotional moments caused me to doubt him or his abilities in any way.
For those reasons, there was no issue of maintaining the hierarchy either during the incident or later. We knew where we stood - whether he was crying or I was. We offered each other support. Emotional, physical, mental, sexual - whatever kind of support was needed.
If anything, his humanity endeared him to me even more. I respected him more deeply for being able to cry, to show what others might perceive as weakness. I admired his willingness to express the full range of human emotion. It made me even more deeply devoted to serving him in any way he needed.
In a different kind of relationship, of course, the answer would be somewhat modified. But I believe that a bottom can always provide emotional support to a top without any loss of face or any threat to the top's place in the hierarchy. It's just being realistic and understanding that each of us is human.
If not, how do you see them obtaining emotional support when they are depressed, insecure, overwhelmed, etc.?
Honestly, I think a bottom who couldn't handle their top feeling those emotions has some serious problems of their own. It's total denial to believe that any human can live without experiencing those situations.
Yes, admittedly, it's difficult, even physically painful, to see one's top feeling depressed, insecure, overwhelmed, hurt, etc. We want our tops to be everything we aren't. But it isn't realistic to expect a fully-realized relationship without dealing with any of the uncomfortable stuff.
A relationship has to go both ways or it will simply go away...
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Tamsen's Tattoos and Brandings
In answer to the question several people have asked, I currently have eight tattoos. I also have two brandings.
My brandings are not strike brandings. That is to say, a design was drawn onto my skin and then a cauterizing implement was used to slowly (and painfully) burn the pattern into my skin. The result is a very subtle, but noticeable, pale marking on my skin. My brandings are very soft, smooth, and flat, unlike some I've seen which are very thick, raised, ropy, and scarred-looking.
The Spiral:
I received my first branding in the fall of 2001 (I think). It is located on my left triceps and is a spiral ending in a raised central bump.
To paraphrase something I read on another website, the spiral at its most basic represents the flow of physical and spiritual energy. It also symbolizes solar and lunar forces, as well as male and female energies. To me, it additionally symbolizes Dominant and submissive energies.
Long before the discovery of spiral galaxies, ancient people used the spiral image to represent the universe, the earth's rotation, and the moon's orbit. It was also used as a symbol for growth and the regenerative forces of nature. In addition, the spiral represents the relationship between unity and multiplicity. The spiral is a very simple form which symbolizes a multitude of complex relationships.
The Ivy Vine
My second branding was received approximately a month after I received the spiral brand. It is located on my right triceps and is an ivy vine twining up to my right shoulder. The ivy represents the tenacity and beauty of life, as well as the simultaneous fragility and the incredible strength of the vine.
Most of my tattoos are fairly small and unobtrusive. I may want another - one of these days. I've always been fascinated by Celtic knotwork, and I've been thinking about having an anklet done...
I'll describe my tattoos in the order I got them - and the reasons I got them (if I can analyze myself that clearly)...
A BUTTERFLY
(Purple, Fuchsia, and Black)
She's on my right front shoulder, in that soft white hollow just above the breast. My stepfather had always told me that I was fat and ugly, and nobody would ever love me. I had always believed him.
Then I started finding lovers (many lovers - male and female) who thought I *was* attractive. I decided I would transform from my childhood caterpillar to an adult butterfly.
An OWL
(Brown and Gold)
She's on the back of my right wrist (the only tattoo whose placement I regret). Back to my stepfather - he had also told me that I was worthless and stupid and would never be good enough. If I got an A on a test, he beat me for not getting an A+. He had convinced me that I was stupid.
When I was in my late teens, a friend talked me into taking an I.Q. test to join Mensa (the international high-I.Q. society). I took the test kind of on a dare. To my astonishment, my scores were in the upper 1st and 2nd percentile.
The owl is the symbol of Mensa. The tattoo was chosen to acknowledge that I actually had some intelligence (hopefully wisdom will come) after all. It was placed on my right wrist as a constant reminder not to believe the negative things that people tell me about myself.
A PEACOCK FEATHER?
(Purple and Teal)
It's on the back of my left forearm. My mother committed suicide three days after Christmas when I was fourteen years old and eight months pregnant.
The peacock feather was something she apparently doodled on a draft copy of her suicide note. It was one of the last images to go through her mind as she waited to lose consciousness and die.
Perhaps it’s a bit macabre, but I made that doodle a permanent part of my daily existence, a reminder not to give up on life, not to give up on love, and not to follow in my mother’s footsteps...
An intertwined pair of SWANS
(Purple and Turquoise)
They're on the back of my right shoulder. The two swans form a heart with their heads and necks. I got this tattoo the year after I married Vince.
We both felt like ugly ducklings throughout most of our lives, but had come to believe we might actually grow into swans.
Also, swans are symbols of everlasting love. While Vince and I are no longer sexually intimate with each other, we are still friends and partners. We still love each other and I hope we always will, regardless of how much our lives may change. Both of us have outside relationships, but our connection is solid.
A very young DRAGON
(Purple, Teal, and Yellow)
She's on my left back shoulder. She carries a bedraggled bouquet of flowers and is very cute, not at all fierce. I don't know why I got this tattoo. I just thought she was adorable.
Perhaps she represents innocence and a child's unconditional love for her mother. OTOH, perhaps she represented my inner child - or my fury, tamed.
A UNICORN
(Purple and Fuchsia)
She's on my left front shoulder, just above my breast, on that very tender skin. This was the most painful of my tattoos, but she was worth it. She has Blue, Orange, and Teal flowers twined in her mane. When I wear a bra and/or a low-cut blouse, you can just barely see the Unicorn's horn poking out...
I've always loved fantasy and science fiction. The deeper symbolism of the unicorn, I suppose, is one of purity and innocence. I had always felt unclean and bad. This was mostly because of the various types of abuse (sexual, mental, emotional, physical, and psychic) I had suffered, both as a child and as an adolescent.
When I finally began to feel somewhat cleansed of those early traumas, I thought the unicorn might serve as a good symbol to represent that purification.
Also, there's a terrific song (called "Best Friend") by Margie Adams. It’s about a lonely child, who lives in her own fantasy world. The lyrics in the song really struck home for me. Some of the lines are:
"When I was growing up,
my best friend was a Unicorn.
The others smiled at me and called me crazy.
But I was not upset by knowing I did not conform
I always thought their seeing must be hazy.
The Unicorn and I would while away the hours –
Playing, dancing, and romancing in the wild flowers.
And we'd sing,
'Seeing is believing, in the things we see.
Loving is believing, in the ones we love."
A GREAT GREY HERON AND AN OTTER
(Teal, Brown, and Yellow)
My biggest tattoo is located on my right breast/shoulder. It is a memorial tribute to my beloved late Master.
I originally designed the drawing as a custom-made sterling silver belt buckle that I presented to Master Steve for our first anniversary. The design was later adapted as a tattoo.
My spirit animal is the otter. Master Steve's was the great blue (or gray) heron. The otter wears a golden collar, just as I do. She is gazing up adoringly at the heron, whose wings are forever spread protectively over her.
The silhouette of the heron is that of a heart. When I look in the mirror, the neck of the heron forms the letter "S" for Steve.
I got the tattoo four months after Master Steve's death, on the anniversary of receiving his collar. It is in remembrance of our years together and it represents everything he meant to me.
He will always have a piece of my heart. I will miss him forever.
ANOTHER BUTTERFLY
(Purple, Fuchsia, and White)
My most recent tattoo was done on 12-28-07. It is a butterfly called Polygonia Interrogationis Nymphalidae. I did a lot of research before I discovered the Poly Nympho, but it was perfect for me.
Polygonia means multiple shapes, because this butterfly has beautiful, multi-edged wings, which represent the multiple aspects of my personality.
Interrogationis is because the dot pattern on the wings is in the shape of a question mark, which represents my eternal curiosity and my search for truth.
Nymphalidae is the family this butterfly belongs to - and I am also in the nympho family.
My little sister (teasybratt on CollarMe) and I each got this same tattoo on the same afternoon. I got mine on my right outer thigh and she got hers on her left.
The actual color of this butterfly is orange and brown, but my sister and I chose our own color schemes, that best represented our personalities. The colors teasybratt chose are teal, blue, and white.
The tattoo was done on this date to mark the anniversary of my mother's suicide, but it was also done in honor of my grandfather.
At some point in my grandfather's military career, he lost a bet and had to get tattoos of a butterfly over each knee. He was always embarrassed by this. Now my sister and I have butterflies above the knee.
This tattoo was in honor of my sister, my mother, and my grandfather, as well as representing myself. |
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Flashbacks...
When my beloved Master died suddenly, I couldn't bear to look at all of the toys and paraphernalia that we used together when we played. In a fit of despair, I threw it all into boxes and bags and put it away in the attic.
A few days ago, a friend suggested that it might be time to take those things out again. Master Steve has been gone for almost a year, after all.
So, together we hauled everything out of the attic. My friend and I went through about half of it, as a toybag tour. He's fairly new to the lifestyle, so much of it was unfamiliar to him.
Though we didn't play together, I was able to explain and briefly demonstrate a lot of ways that different items could be used. From the sadistic to the sensual to the sexual - there is such a range of applications for almost every toy.
Of course, that process led me to remembering all of the delightful, wonderful, and miserable things Master Steve had used those items for. I cried, several times, but it was good. It was cathartic.
One of the toys is a little rod that lights up. It can be a solid color, a flashing solid, or it can flash alternating multiple colors.
In the past, I had this rod hanging on the wall next to my bed. This toy had always had some kind of electrical wiring issue or something. I routinely had trouble making it do what it was supposed to do.
For whatever reason (he claimed it was his magnetic aura), almost every time Master Steve was in my bed, the thing would just start flashing - without anyone touching it! The flashing usually happened in those exquisitely happy moments right after a good scene, or after a passionate sexual encounter when we were just lying together holding each other.
Sometimes this toy would wake me up in the middle of the night, just flashing away. Invariably, Master Steve would call me the next morning and tell me he had been dreaming of me or that he had been sitting up late thinking of me.
Master Steve told me that whenever the toy flashed on its own, I should know he was thinking of me.
While I was going through the toy collection with my friend, this toy was in another pile. No one was touching it, and it just suddenly starting flashing in all colors of the rainbow.
I was shocked. I had forgotten it even existed. And then, in an instant, I was sobbing hysterically. Is it possible that somewhere, somehow, even after his death, Master Steve is still thinking of me and still sending me reassurance of his love?
I don't know. I'll never know. In any case, I couldn't continue with the toybox tour after that happened. I was too emotional. My friend suggested something along the lines that this was Master Steve's way of telling me it was time to let go, to move on, and to know that I had his blessings.
My friend said he thought I should hang the toy back up on the wall where it used to be. It will be an ongoing reminder that Master Steve is still with me, and will always be with me.
The Buddha said, "Everything that has a beginning has an end. Make your peace with this and all will be well."
I am looking forward to new beginnings, while making peace with the end of a relationship that meant everything to me.
I wish all of you wonderful, happy, fulfilling relationships. I wish you all the love in the world. But most of all, I wish it for myself... |
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I just wanted to say that I have appreciated the feedback on my journal entries (and my profile).
I always welcome comments (preferably expressed in a civil fashion). I don't expect everyone to like, or to agree with, everything I say, but I do expect to be treated with courtesy and respect.
Please feel free to suggest topics, ask questions, or express your thoughts about my journal entries.
Most respectfully - tamsen |
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Inward Journeys
I have a fair amount of self-confidence most of the time - though there are certainly moments when I feel a bit less so. That is particularly true at those times when I begin to despair of ever again finding the Dom/Master of my dreams. I belonged to that Master until I lost him on 09/10/06...
My heart and soul still long to be owned as they were before, to be possessed, to be given fully.
In the banquet that is BDSM, I do not consider myself to be a "bottom." For me, that would be purely a physical state. D/s relationships are about *so* much more than merely what happens to the body. D/s relationships, and particularly M/s relationships, are ideally about surrender, about giving up control, about exchanging power, about transparency (the desire within a Dom to know all of my innermost feelings, fears, strengths, weaknesses, and thoughts).
That is what I desire... so much so that it sometimes brings me to tears when I think of it. I experienced that special kind of M/s exchange with my late Master. Since then I have had only tastes of what I have lost - a drop of water to a woman dying of thirst, a tease, a cosmic mind-fuck...
As my profile says, I want to find a man who can control me with the sheer force of his will, with a simple look, word, or gesture. The physical and sexual aspects are necessary components for me, of course, but they are certainly not the core of the relationship.
D/s is an ongoing inward journey, one that I need to continue exploring in order to grow and reach the state of total submission that I crave. I particularly need to focus on that journey at this point in my life, having lost my Master. It is almost a spiritual necessity as much as anything else - or that's as close as I can get to defining it.
While the journey is mine, I believe that it is also a Dom's responsibility to guide his sub through this inward journey, pushing her when necessary. It's often a scary journey, but it's a necessary one. Sometimes I'm afraid to take the next step...
On the other hand, that fear can be very exciting.
The inward journey towards complete submission is very much like a rose bud. It is exquisite and fragrant in its own right, yet only when each petal is peeled back, layer after layer, is the true beauty, the inner beauty and complexity, of the rose revealed.
The symbolism of this inward journey - the rose, as well as the thorns - reminds me of a line in Little Gidding Part V (perhaps my favorite bit of poetry of all time), by T.S. Elliott:
Little Gidding, Part V
T.S. Elliott
We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
Through the unknown, remembered gate
When the last of earth left to discover
Is that which was the beginning;
At the source of the longest river
The voice of the hidden waterfall
And the children in the apple-tree
Not known, because not looked for
But heard, half-heard, in the stillness
Between two waves of the sea.
Quick now, here, now, always -
A condition of complete simplicity
(Costing not less than everything)
And all shall be well and
All manner of things shall be well
When the tongues of flame are in-folded
Into the crowned knot of fire
And the fire and the rose are one. |
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Users and Abusers,
Fakes, Frauds, and Phonies,
Liars, Losers, and Louses
I'm not sure this is the right place for this writing/rant. I really should be in bed (I have already taken a Vicodin, a muscle relaxant, and a sleeping pill, after all). That's my excuse if this essay makes no sense.
But before I go off to lullaby-land, I wanted to address something. This evening I received an email on CollarMe. Nothing unusual there. It was apparently from a female slave in Kansas. I will call her "Sinn" though that isn't her name.
Below is a heavily edited version of her email (in red) and my responses (in green). I have to say that I found "Sinn's" email rather off-putting. While I think I understood some of her motives for sending it, I'm not sure I support her methods and I have absolutely no idea why she sent it to me!
I suspect that her motives were complicated, but the emotions involved clearly included a fair amount of revenge, spite, bitterness, hurt, anger, and the desire to get even. Those motives I find understandable, but sad and destructive.
In addition to the negative motives, however, I believe that she truly wants to warn other subs/slaves about men she has personally found to be in the above categories of naughty, nasty, dirty, dastardly scoundrels (and *not* in the way that makes our pussies wet...).
One of the things that disturbed me about "Sinn's" email was that she is apparently breaking one of CollarMe's rules. I.e., you aren't technically supposed to badmouth or criticize other users of the site (and specifically *not* by their official user names). I'm certainly not above breaking a few rules myself, when I feel the need. But I'm not sure it was necessary for her to do this.
I'm not a big fan of crying wolf, making ambiguous accusations, or pointing fingers, unless I personally believe that someone may actually be in imminent danger. I also believe that everyone is entitled to the assumption that they are innocent until proven guilty. It's not enough to have one woman's word that a man is evil and rotten and should be hoist by his own petard (look it up).
I would suggest, gentlemen *and* ladies (and any others who fit the situation), that you take some of "Sinn's" complaints and analyze whether or not they apply to the way you are living your own life.
Are you a person of integrity and honor?
Are you someone whose word is their bond?
Are you proud of the way you've behaved with those who care about you and who place their trust in you?
Did/do you deserve that trust?
If not, can you live comfortably with yourself, if you continue to behave in less than honorable ways?
We can all do better, and there is always room for improvement if we keep learning and listening to others.
In any case, here is the edited email (with my additional commentary) from "Sinn". Remember *HER* comments are in red. Mine are in green.
Ladies/Sisters/Gentleman/Brothers/sub/slave/switches
Today I arrived at my ending point. I have been in a relationship for over a year with a Dom who let me believe I was the only slave in His life. I found out that He not only had a 4 years slave but a few other women on the side. I have been written by and met two other men and both told me they were single/divorced only to find out the wife and kids were at home.
I have had my phone ring with a Dom I was seeing for 6 months only to hear another woman say she is His 24/7 slave for the same period He was telling me we were working on a relationship and He was not poly.
Today I was chatting with a Dom who said he wasn't in a relationship and only had a "friend" in the lifestyle. I suppose he forgot he put His "friend" on His profile and thanked her for being His slut. Tells me there is a relationship. Then he tries to come on under another name immediately and PM chat with me. Since I blocked him under the name he contacted me under.
I known what Dominants are supposed to know and understand. [Gee, *I* certainly don't know what Dominants are "supposed to know and understand!!!"]
I am not in this lifestyle for a short time I have been in this lifestyle for a very long time. There is supposed to be honor in this lifestyle, there is to be trust, honesty, integrity and openness. [Well, that's the fantasy, and sometimes the fact.]
Dominants who hide truth and cause distrust are just what they are Gamers/Liars and Cheats. [Yes, but there are men like that in every community - and women like that as well.]
Please Sisters help me disclose these harmful men that are taking our gift of submission as nothing but a game. [This is what worries me - there is already a pretty active subbie grapevine, at least in my local Denver community. It has caused lots of trouble to lots of people. Some of them may have deserved it and some truly didn't. So much of what we do in this lifestyle is relative and is dependent on interpretation.]
Who give us words of love that are meaningless? [I am poly, but I am honest about it. Words of love repeated to several other lovers are not meaningless. Lies, broken promises, lack of honor and integrity - that may make the words of love meaningless.]
Want our service while they cheat on us. [In my humble opinion, it is only cheating if that is the predefined agreement between both parties.]
If it seems un-trust-worthy it is. If he has known to lie he is a liar. [I do not believe there is a person alive who has not lied at some time. While that literally makes almost all of us liars, I don't think it's that cut and dried. A pattern of behavior that includes lying on a regular basis (with the intent to deceive, to manipulate, to get away with something , or out of sheer cowardice) is obviously a more serious situation, and one I wouldn't want to remain in.]
Don't let them twist your thoughts around to believe that you are someone not trustworthy or loyal. They are marking the lifestyle with a black mark. [I don't agree with this statement. Dishonest and dishonorable people are marking themselves, not the lifestyle. Word *does* eventually get around, even if the "wounded" party doesn't take it upon themselves to send out a mass mailing naming names.]
If you know the following Dominants understand that you are NOT alone in knowing them. [This is where it starts to get uncomfortable for me. I just don't think it's appropriate to blanket several states with the names of people one has a grudge against. I can't condone it.]
If you think you are serving Him alone LOOK again. [And how is the suspicious potentially-victimized subbie supposed to do that?]
If he tells you he is not on collarme he probably is under other names. [Sigh. All the Doms I know just *LOVE* paranoid, snooping, prying, untrusting subbies and slaves. NOT SO MUCH...]
Or if he tells you that he is only on collarme because he has you writing to him, He is here looking up other women making arrangement with other women and putting your mind and heart in harm because he is being untruthful and a cheat. [Maybe. Or maybe not. This woman has clearly been burned, and it has apparently caused her to become bitter. We have all had bad experiences, with "bad" people. We hopefully learn from them, get over it, move on, and try to do better next time. Or we build walls around our hearts and see wolves all around us trying to blow those walls in...]
If He dances around a question or turns it around He is hiding a fact or many. [Again, maybe. Or maybe not. Maybe it's a mindfuck. Maybe it's truly none of your business, but not necessarily something negative.]
The following Dominants have hit on me, some I have met, some I have played with. None mention they are with someone and when asked totally deny YOU. Not for a short time but for a long time they deny you lied to me and continue to lie to YOU. [Yeah, AS IF I would include the list of "doms" she named! I've renamed them "SoandSoMaster#"]
I am sending this to as many of my sisters in the Kansas/Missouri area as I can. [Which is why I'm a little perplexed as to why "Sinn" also felt it necessary to send this email to me - in Colorado!]
If you feel this is authentic please forward to your friends. [Yes, I believe it's authentic. No, I will *never* forward something like this to my friends. I will, however (and obviously) sometimes post this sort of email in my journal, along with my feelings, my comments, and my analysis. For whatever that is worth...]
Together we can stop this. [Not a chance. Human nature is human nature. We might be able to embarrass or shame a few Doms into going underground, but it isn't going to make a significant difference. As "Sinn" pointed out, they can just change their names and start again if they want to, so what has really been accomplished?]
If Real Dominants would like to help stop this, their input would also be helpful. [Their input might be helpful, but it won't change anything appreciably, for the reasons I mentioned above. Furthermore, (in my humble opinion, as always) it is divisive and nonproductive to use terms like "Real Dominants." Almost any term in this community is self-defined. If I call myself a slave, I'm a slave. It doesn't matter whether someone else thinks I'm a "Real Slave" or not.]
- SoandSoMaster1
- married has several subs who don't know each other. Never told me and they were shocked when I contacted them. I know there are others.
SoandSoMaster2 - has a collared slave he never mentioned in 6 months.
SoandSoMaster3 - has 2 slaves that don't know each is collared and one vanilla relationship. Might be married. Wanted a ltr with me.
SoandSoMaster4 - has a 6 slave poly family and two that don't know about the others
SoandSoMaster5 - married no other subs
SoandSoMaster6 - Denies a 24/7 plays on the side feels it is his right to lie
SoandSoMaster7 - Had two slaves who didn't know about each other played with me for 4 months, never told me he was with a person and told none of us he is married.
SoandSoMaster8 - (SoandSoSubbie he says you are just his friend. If you are on here come forward or if anyone knows a slave who is named/nicknamed SoandSoSubbie inform her/him) single no relationships he must have forgotten what He wrote in His profile. Sisters/Brothers if you know of more of these players pass their names back to me and why. I will verify. [Dear Goddess, I hope no one will actually do this - which is one of the reasons I haven't given "Sinn's" real CollarMe name. Yes, if someone is actively dangerous, like SlaveMaster in Kansas was, by all means, contact the proper authorities. If someone is just a common liar, go ahead and tell your friends if you feel it's necessary, but don't make it into a federal case like this.]
Don't let yourself be a victim. [And don't make someone else into a victim. And don't be an enabler to someone who wants to be a victim. And I'm *not* saying that this is necessarily the case with "Sinn"]
I am sending this to ever sub/slave/switch in Missouri/Kansas [Apparently Lakewood, Colorado has been annexed...]
I am sorry to do this, I know there are many Dominants that are real and this is so insulting to them. [Yes, I'm sure it is. On the other hand, perhaps it will put the users, abusers, etc. on alert and encourage them to find other pastures. ]
I miss you MasterMaker the truest of the true my soul longs for a true Dom like You. ["Sinn," it sounds like you have lost someone very important to you, and are having a hard time finding someone who can live up to that memory.
My own beloved and adored Master died last September on his motorcycle. I hope to someday find a man as worthy of owning me as he was. It is my responsibility to make sure that is the case, even though it is sometimes easier to fall for the honeyed lies.]
"Sinn," I'm truly sorry that you've been burned by these "Doms," but I'm really not at all sure why you sent this letter to me. I'm not in Missouri or Kansas. I'm in Colorado and I don't know any of these guys. I've never heard of them.
Since I'm not looking for a long-distance relationship and I'm not willing to relocate, I'm not likely to run into any of them or to be affected by their nefarious activities.
While I honestly feel bad for you, and any others who have experienced similar circumstances, I'm not sure it's particularly effective to use a shotgun approach to contact women who are unlikely to encounter these same doms.
When it comes right down to it, all of us have to trust our instincts, use some common sense, and take the appropriate precautions.
There will always be people who lie, cheat, and deceive. It sucks. I trust my local sister subs to give me advice when they encounter someone who isn't reputable.
But there has to be a limit. You simply can't warn every sub/slave in the country about every bad "Dom," every fake, phony, fraud, user, abuser, loser, cheater, or jackass.
I wish you the very best.
tamsen
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Connection and Chemistry
Whenever I meet someone new, I obviously hope that we will have a fantastic connection and fabulous chemistry. In general, I already feel at least something of a connection or I wouldn't bother to meet that person.
For me, a *connection* is about how well two people communicate, how much they have in common, and how much fun they have together.
Chemistry is purely physical and visceral - it has to do with scent, pheromones, body language, visual attraction, the way two people fit together, and so much more.
Chemistry can *only* be determined in person - it is such a complicated thing, and it is truly a chemical reaction. You can have chemistry with a person without having a connection and vice versa, but of course, it is best when you have both.
The saddest thing is when the chemistry and/or the connection only goes one way - and I've been on both sides of that situation. It sucks either way.
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For the life of me, I can't understand how CollarMe formats some of my journal entries (and my profile, for that matter).
Sometimes everything comes out exactly the way I want it. Other times, there are huge spaces between paragraphs or other odd formatting that I don't know how to correct.
It's very frustrating to write something (especially something long and involved) and not have it look the way I envisioned it. Still, in the grand scheme of things, that's a minor rant - a rantlet, really. |
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Limits, Hard Limits, or No Limits...
ASK, ASK, and ASK Again:
I would like to spell out my current boundaries (those that I'm aware of) very clearly, noting that almost all boundaries are subject to change.
In the BDSM realm, I am open to just about anything - but I'm partial to sensual play, role play scenarios, hand spankings, bondage, floggings, wax play, fire play, knife play, edge play, mind fucks, and resistance play.
I particularly love consensual non-consent scenes - play rape, abduction, interrogation, force, age play, wrestling, and that sort of thing.
I have three almost hypnotic triggers. Which is to say, if you do them to me in the right way, I'm gone (in the best possible sense of the word).
Once I know I can trust you to use them responsibly, I might tell you what they are. Others have used that knowledge to manipulate me or take advantage of me. I’ve learned the hard way not to share that information too soon.
My more-or-less hard limits are in mnemonic form: ASK, ASK, and ASK again - which stands for:
Animals/Shit/Kids
Asphyxiation/Slapping/Kicking
Amputation/Spitting/Klismaphilia (Enemas and Douches)
Animals - I don’t believe that animals are capable of informed consent - even though they may seem to be willing participants. I am also not the least bit interested in the type of humiliation that comes from sexual play with animals (though I do admit to the occasional horse fantasy).
Shit - By my definition, if it's been in someone's ass, I don't want it anywhere near my mouth. It doesn't matter whether it's been in your ass, my ass, or a donkey's ass - I don't want it near my face. And *it* can be anything from a cock to a toy to a finger to a tongue to whatever. I don't do shit play. Period. And that includes rimming (giving or receiving) – just too close to shit play. Sorry.
Kids - I have a much more complex attitude towards this issue. I believe that every individual (including “children”) has their own rate of sexual and emotional maturity.
I’ve known a thirteen-year old boy who was far more capable of real intimacy than his 34-year-old father. Personally, I thought I was more than ready for sex by the time I was ten or eleven (though I disapprove of the way I reached that point).
This certainly and absolutely does not mean that I would be willing to play with anyone below the legal age of consent - but I’m always willing to role-play just about any age and character (child/parent, student/teacher, child/babysitter, girl scout/scout leader, whatever).
Asphyxiation - Just too dangerous. Even with a skilled partner who has emergency medical skills, there is just too much chance of not being revived. It’s an exciting activity to play with, but not worth the risk.
Slapping - Try slapping my face and you just might bring out one of my alternate personalities. Trust me, you do NOT want to meet Fury. My stepfather used to slap me all the time, and it’s a huge emotional landmine. In addition, I have partial hearing loss in one ear, probably as a result of frequent slapping. Air displacement too close to my ears (such as flogging near the shoulders) can cause me to cry hysterically, with no warning at all...
Kicking - Again, this is something my stepfather would do. Once he had beat me down to the floor, the kicking would start. Kicking me now may either bring out incredible rage or drive me into a semi-catatonic state.
If either of those reactions are your goal, you’re probably not the kind of person I want to play with - unless we have discussed it very thoroughly in advance and it’s time for me to start working through some of these primitive issues.
Amputation - Duh. I just needed another A word for my mnemonic (and it doesn’t hurt to be clear on this type of issue). I understand that controlled bone breakage was all the rage in the gay California scene for awhile. I think that’s in the same category. Just no...
Spitting - In my opinion, this is a certain type of humiliation that is demeaning in a really bad way, especially spitting in someone’s face. I would be devastated by it. And I would probably never play with you again if you did it to me...
Klismaphilia (Enemas and Douches) - Enemas are just too close to scat/shit play. I don’t want to incorporate those elements into my play. Obviously, if there is going to be anal play, cleansing enemas may be desired. In that case, I would vastly prefer to be instructed to do my own, well in advance of your arrival, so that I would be prepared when the time came. Douching, , whatever...
_____________________
As mentioned previously, these are my current hard limits. That doesn’t mean I will never be willing to try some of the above activities, or even that I haven’t already tried most of them.
Some of these activities I might consider participating in with certain play partners, but not with others. Some of them, never - not with anyone.
I also don't drink urine, though I don't necessarily mind a certain amount/type of water sports.
Another limit I recently encountered: I do NOT bark like a dog. Period. Nor do I squeal like a pig, moo like a cow, cluck like a chicken, or do any other animal impressions!
And while I like a certain amount of a certain type of humiliation, this can be very dangerous territory. If someone calls me Fat, Ugly, Lazy, Stupid, Worthless, Incompetent, Pig, Cow, Dog, Elephant, Hippo, or anything along those lines, it could end the scene right then and there. It will certainly change the tone of the scene, in a bad way.
I won’t tolerate any personal putdowns denigrating my looks, size, intelligence, worth, or ability, nor will I accept being negatively compared to an animal.
On the other hand, I have absolutely no problem being called Slut, Whore, Bitch, Girl, Nympho, Tramp, Naughty, Bad, Slave, etc. In fact, I like those kinds of terms very much! Used the right way, at the right time, they make me hot, hot, hot...
For those who may be interested, I hope this helps to clarify where I'm coming from.
Oh, and once a man is my Master, limits are a whole different issue. I appreciate a Master who is willing to listen to my concerns, preferences, and dislikes, and who takes those into consideration.
If I trust a man enough to accept his collar, I have to trust that he won’t do anything to me that will be damaging (including on an emotional level). If, however, my Master decides that he wants me to do something on my hard limits list, for whatever reason, I will certainly do it – or I will return his collar. With a Master, those are my options... |
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I just wanted to thank all of you who have subscribed to my journal. I'm very honored that you would take the time to read my rants, ramblings, and random thoughts.
I hope you continue to find my journal to be of interest. If you have any topics to suggest, I may even be inspired to write yet another essay. <G>
With gratitude and respect,
tamsen |
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INK...
The following is an edited version of something I just wrote to a gentleman who complimented me on my "ink" (my tattoos). I will explain the symbology of my other tattoos and my brandings at a later date, but I wanted to explain the tattoo that is most evident in my photos:
The big tattoo on my right breast is a memorial tribute to my late Master. I originally designed it as a custom-made sterling silver belt buckle that I presented to Master Steve for our first anniversary. The design was later adapted as a tattoo.
My spirit animal is the otter. Master Steve's was the great blue (or gray) heron. The otter wears a golden collar, just as I do. She is gazing up adoringly at the heron, whose wings are forever spread protectively over her.
The silhouette of the heron is that of a heart. When I look in the mirror, the neck of the heron forms the letter "S" for Steve.
I got the tattoo four months after Master Steve's death, on the anniversary of receiving his collar. It is in remembrance of our years together and it represents everything he meant to me.
He will always have a piece of my heart. I will miss him forever. |
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Thoughts on Physical Preferences:
I have expressed something in my profile that I realize might cause some people to feel hurt, judged, or rejected. I thought long and hard about it before I wrote it. I mentioned that I have a preference for taller men.
That doesn't mean I won't go out with men who aren't tall (that being a relative term). After all, I had a two-year relationship with a man who was 3'7" (yes, two feet shorter than me).
For better or worse, we all have them...
Physical preferences... Visual appeal...
We have emotional, even visceral, responses to certain physical traits in others. Often these traits are beyond the control of the other person, and have absolutely nothing to do with *who* the person is.
I prefer taller men - over six feet tall whenever possible. I can't help it. I just do.
My late Master was 6'2" and had the broad shoulders and physique of the former football player that he was. Being with Master Steve made me feel petite. He made me feel small, but small in the way a little girl feels with her beloved father - safe and protected and enfolded. He made me feel that he could enclose me in the safety of his arms and protect me from the world.
In addition to the emotional response, I LOVE to wear high heels. I am 5'7" and with heels I can be as tall as 6'3" (though usually I don't wear heels quite that extreme).
I don't want to tower over my Master or my Dom. That just doesn't feel right. It makes me feel awkward and unbalanced. It makes me feel big and vulnerable and exposed instead of small and vulnerable and safe. I know it's silly. And I'm absolutely willing to put my preferences aside when I have the right chemistry with someone.
I'm a big woman, but I'm generally a self-confident, sensual, and sexy big woman. There are people who judge me because of my size and my weight, who assume things about my personality, intelligence, and habits - solely on the basis of my shape. I don't like it, but I understand it and I accept it. That is their preference.
By the same token, there are those who like me *because* I am a BBW. I used to be a lot heavier. At my heaviest, I was a calendar girl and a centerfold in a magazine that catered to men who called themselves FAs (Fat Admirers).
And then there are people who simply don't care one way or another about my size and shape. It simply isn't an issue for them.
I came to sexual maturity when I was living on an Indian reservation in Canada (my parents were teachers for the Bureau of Indian Affairs). For that reason, I tend to be more attracted to men with darker skin, dark hair, and little (or no) body hair. It's a preference, but it isn't necessarily a limitation.
We all have them - the images of our ideal mates...
Height... weight... physique...
skin color... hair color... eye color...
hair length... facial hair... body hair... tattoos...
complexion... tit size... dick size...
whatever...
When it comes right down to it, personality preferences are much more important than physical ideals. A perfect package and beautiful wrapping may be nice, but the contents are what really matters. |
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Death of my Master:
This is kind of a grim entry, but so many people have asked what happened to my Master. Below is the email I sent out right after his death, when I wanted people to understand what happened to my Master without having to repeat the story over and over. It was, and still is, too painful.
I'd also like to make a plea for people to stop calling Master Steve my "ex-Master" or my "former Master." We didn't break up, after all. He died, but he was still my Master. I would prefer him to be addressed as my "late Master."
_________________________
09/14/2006
Hello everyone,
I have just lost one of the great loves of my life, and I need to let everyone know what happened, because it will deeply affect my life forever. It will also affect many of my actions in the near future, as I plan to withdraw from a lot of things until I heal a little bit emotionally.
Please note that this message is going out (as blind carbon copies) to several hundred people, including a number of yahoo group lists. I hope you will forgive any duplications you may receive as a result. I simply can't face writing a lot of individual emails or making a lot of phone calls telling the story over and over again. It's way too painful. I've already had to do it too many times.
I want to forewarn you that this email will be very detailed and fairly graphic, so that I don't have to add any additional details later. I hope you will be patient as you wade through it, knowing how incredibly painful it is to write it. I wish for nothing more than to be unconscious right now...
Please pass this on to anyone who may have known Steve. Not all of you knew him, and not all of you know me, so I appreciate your patience. I apologize if you have received this email and find it of no personal interest. If that is the case, please just hit the delete key. Thank you for your understanding...
Steven Douglas Herron
Born: 05-25-48
Lost: 09-10-06
Steve was known variously in several different communities, as Steve, Sir Steve, Squire Steve, and Master Steve. He was an absolutely amazing man, and I was privileged to know him, love him, serve him, and belong to him. I am devastated to have lost him, and I don't know how I will be able to go on...
Last Sunday (09/10/06), we were riding our motorcycles with some friends in the DARC (one of our motorcycle clubs). The morning started off beautifully. Steve arrived at my house early so we could ride together to the group starting point.
He was in a great mood, feeling well, and excited to be riding with us. He had slept well and appeared to be in great health. I've never known a stronger man - physically, emotionally, or mentally.
We met up with the group and started our ride to Estes Park for the Scottish Highland Festival. All went well until we were about five miles north of Longmont, traveling north on Route 287, at about 65-70 mph.
I was riding my own motorcycle, directly in front of Steve's. I glanced in my mirror as we started up a little hill and he was right behind me. As I crested the hill, I looked again, and no one was there.
The three of us (the front three of six motorcycles) pulled over. We got a CB emergency call that a rider was down. We did a U-turn in the highway and drove back down the hill. To my horror, Steve's motorcycle was lying on its side on the opposite side of the highway from where we had been riding. I couldn't see Steve at first, because he was nowhere near his motorcycle.
He had crossed several lanes of oncoming traffic, being narrowly missed by at least two cars and a semi truck coming the opposite direction. The drivers had to lock up their tires to avoid hitting him broadside.
After crossing the highway, he went through a six-strand barbed-wire fence, narrowly missing a mile marker post (#321), drove directly between a phone pole and a guy wire, and had then been thrown more than 42 feet, directly onto his head.
While he was wearing a helmet, he sustained brain injuries and compressed vertebrae 3 through 7 in his neck. His ribs were broken and one of his lungs was punctured. His right leg was ripped to the bone from the barbed wire, and his right foot had severe compound fractures. But he was conscious, talking, and trying to move after a few minutes of unconsciousness.
The DARC motorcycle riders directly behind him said that he was riding along perfectly fine. Suddenly he stiffened, shifted right a little, corrected, and then veered directly across the highway.
They thought he might have gotten distracted or fallen asleep, so they blasted their horns. He never slowed, braked, steered, or put out his hands to catch his fall (not a scratch on his leather gloves). He didn't appear to be slumped over his handlebars, but rigidly upright. He was apparently paralyzed and/or lost motor function control.
After the initial impact, Steve's helmet flew off. He bounced and rolled several more times, plowing face-first through the dirt, with all of his weight on his neck.
The motorcycle riders immediately came to his aid, preventing several good Samaritans (including the drivers of the vehicles that had missed hitting him) from turning him over. The riders had to dig a tunnel under Steve's face so he could breath, without moving him or turning him over. A passenger on one of the motorcycles called 911 immediately and relayed information to the EMTs.
We were within about five miles of Longmont United Hospital, and emergency vehicles were on-site within five or ten minutes. Steve was immediately given CT scans and MRI scans. At first, they thought he might have had an aneurysm that caused him to lose control/consciousness. That later turned out to be incorrect. Steve was in surgery for over seven hours.
In the emergency room before surgery, he was conscious and talking. He could say, "Pain" and "Neck" and "Breathing" (which was how they knew he had punctured a lung). He could also say, "Let go," and "Get off," and "Let me up." So he was cognitively functioning. But he didn't know where he was or why, or who I was.
Just before he was wheeled into surgery, he kept repeating something along the lines of, "Need help, need help, go right." So we think that he may have been conscious, but had no motor control, when he left the highway. I can't even imagine how horrendous that must have been - to watch his body cross the highway, without being able to stop it.
When he came out of surgery, we were informed that the bleeding in his brain didn't appear to be that severe (they were wrong). They also said that he had a 90 percent chance of being permanently paralyzed from the neck down.
It was possible, however, that he simply had "spinal shock" as it turned out that the spinal cord had not actually been severed or crushed. If that had been the case, he might have had an almost full recovery after extensive rehab. So we were given a great deal of hope following the surgery.
Sunday night, he was moving his arms and trying to move his chin or his lips. There was even some indication that he might be able to move his toes. He was responding to pain and clenching his teeth when they tried to stick things in his mouth - what they call "purposeful reactions." We were so hopeful.
Early on Monday morning, while in the CT scan machine to check on the bleeding in his brain, Steve went into cardiac arrest and was medically dead. Apparently, a significant amount of time passed before they were able to get him out of the machine and resuscitate him.
After that, it was determined that he had a lesion on the main artery leading into his aorta, with over 90 percent blockage. They dithered for awhile about what to do. Surgery would require blood-thinning drugs, which would increase the bleeding in his brain. Eventually they decided to temporarily put in a balloon catheter, but it could only be kept in for a day or two.
We maintained hope for another two days, but he stopped responding entirely. He was on full life support. On Wednesday afternoon, an EEG was performed. It showed that his brain was basically at flat-line. Two other tests confirmed that he was brain dead. In addition, his organs were starting to shut down.
After much anguish, the family decided that Steve would want to save other lives, if his own couldn't be saved. He was a very generous man. He was an organ donor.
The search was initiated to find recipients. Some time early on Thursday morning, Steve went into surgery to have his undamaged lung, kidney, liver, etc. removed. In mid-morning, life support was discontinued, and my beloved Master Steve was gone.
The coroner decided that an autopsy was necessary, since the doctors couldn't categorically determine what had caused Steve's death. Following the autopsy, Steve's corneas and some skin tissue were also collected to help improve other individual's lives.
Sometime in the next few months, Steve's family will be informed as to who received the gift of life from the loss of Steve's. They will hopefully have the opportunity to tell the recipient(s) all about the incredible man who died so that they could live or see.
For what its worth, Steve took no obvious damage to his face, head, or body (except the right leg). It was all internal. He looked just as handsome as always. To the end, he looked like he was just sleeping and would wake up at any moment.
If anyone has any questions that haven't been covered in the above, I will do my best to answer. Eventually. But I'm in far too much pain right now. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to write to anyone. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything.
To all those who have already written me privately, please know that I appreciate your emails very much. I don't know when, or if, I will have the energy to respond. Right now, I'm just too overwhelmed.
I can't even express how devastated I am as I type this email. I can scarcely see through the tears and I can barely breathe. They say it will get easier, but I can't imagine it right now...
I truly hope Steve is in peace. I hope he didn't suffer for very long. I hope he wasn't aware of what was going on around him. I hope he is in a beautiful place. I hope he will always be looking over his family, his friends, and me. He called himself my Dark Angel, and I will always believe he is watching over me. I miss him desperately.
I feel no sadness for Master Steve. He was a very active man. Two weeks before the accident, he was zip-lining through the rain forests in Hawaii and going on a three-tank scuba dive (the longest of his life). He died doing something he loved, surrounded by people he loved. He couldn't have chosen a more ideal death for himself.
I feel sadness for me, and for all those who loved him. It is our loss and we will have to find a way to go on without him. It will be incredibly difficult...
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Thoughts (and rants) on Profiles and responding to email contacts:
If a Dom writes to me, I read his profile. If a Dom looks at my profile, I return the favor and look at his profile. If a Dom adds me to his Favorites list, I read his profile. If I have *any* interest in a Dom, for any reason, I read his profile.
I read every word, usually including his entire journal (if he has one). I also look at his list of preferences and any other information that is part of his profile.
That being said, if a Dom's profile doesn't tell me very much about him, if there is not enough there to be really intriguing or to make him stand out from the crowd, why on earth would I want to write to him?
Why would I want to respond to someone who writes to me and doesn't give me any information to go on? So many Doms seem to feel that all they have to do is express an interest and the subs will fall on their knees.
Sorry, that's fantasy land. Everyone has to be willing to give a little if they expect to get any - and that can be interpreted anyway you like...
I know that my own profile is exceedingly long; but, by the time someone is finished reading it, they should have a pretty good idea of who I am and whether we would be compatible or not.
Even the listings of my preferences (likes, dislikes, curiosity, hard limits, etc.) is extremely complete in my profile; whereas, many Doms don't bother to list anything at all. How would I know whether we have *any* interests in common?
Are most Doms just too lazy to fill out the forms? Or is it not worth their time? Or is it something else?
My profile includes eleven photographs, spanning the past five years, and in a variety of different settings from casual to sexy to kinky to elegant.
Most Doms have nothing - no photos whatsoever. I have no idea what they look like or whether I would be attracted to them. Would they write to me without a photo? Usually, no, I don't think so...
If a Dom wants me to be willing to make an exception for him (especially if he isn't local), I need a lot more information than most of them want to give.
I'm sorry, but that's just reality. Even a slave has to be choosy. In fact, a slave has to be particularly choosy, since she is planning to give herself entirely to another person. She better be damned sure he is worthy of that kind of respect and trust.
I know that not everyone is as fast (or accurate) a typist as I am. Not everyone is as open as I am. Not everyone is as willing to share themselves. But if you write to me and aren't interested in really exchanging information, there is more than just an imbalance of power...
And while I'm ranting (which I don't actually do very often)...
What is up with men lying about their height? I mean, really, how obvious is that?
When I go out on a first date, I almost always wear 4" heels. I am 5'7" - so that makes me 5'11". If a man tells me that he's over 6'0" and I tower over him in my heels, obviously he has exaggerated the statistics.
I don't necessarily care about the height (though I honestly have an easier time submitting to men who are taller than me). I care about the honesty.
The sheer stupidity (okay, that wasn't very nice) of thinking one can lie about something so obvious makes me laugh sometimes. If only it weren't so sad.
P.S. For what it's worth, I know we all exaggerate, especially in the initial sales phase of getting to know each other. Women lie about their age or their weight. Men lie about their height or their endowment. Sigh... |
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SOAPy Submissions:
I don't remember where I read this, but it is so true.
My submission has four basic components:
I am here to Serve your needs.
I am here to Obey your commands.
I am here to Accept your domination.
I am here to Please your desires.
I remember it by the mnemonic SOAP... |
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Dip Your Toe In the Reality Pool
By Screamer
[NOTE: I (tamsen) did not write this. A friend sent it to me and I think it is very relevant to most people in the lifestyle. I hope you find it useful and/or amusing.]
For those of us who came of age in BDSM in the computer age, there seems to be some discrepancies between the realities and the fantasies of this lifestyle.
I'm your Auntie Screamer, and I'm here to help clear those up for you. Pay attention. I'm only going to say this once.
1. "You do have rights. You have the right to walk away. If you believe otherwise, it's time for a dip in the reality pool."
2. "No one can keep up a 24/7 lifestyle for long without a break for comedy relief, and a swift dose of kids, family, work and car problems."
3. "No man has an erection continuously. Unless they're priaptic, in which case, a doctor's visit is in order."
4. "There is such a thing as PMS, and no amount of Domming is going to make it go away."
5. "A chainsaw is not a sex toy."
6. "Your cyber safeword is the off button on the front of your computer. Use it."
7. "There *is* going to be a time when you don't feel like having sex. It *does* happen. Prepare yourself mentally for it."
8. "24/7 is not a myth. 24/7 in chains, naked and kneeling is."
9. "There will come a time when you see your Dominant scratching himself, belching and in need of a shower. Prepare yourself for that as well."
10. "No one understands your collar but you. Showing it off at Safeway isn't exactly a statement."
11. "The distance is not insurmountable. It is inconvenient and irritating, and it will grate on your nerves unless you fill your time with other things."
12. "Eventually, you're going to have to take those cuffs off to take the kids to the doctor. Get used to it."
13. "Speaking of doctors, tell yours what you're into, or be prepared to deal with social services on a regular basis."
14. "You really don't need another flogger. What you need is a new microwave and a pair of hundred dollar tennis shoes for your teenager. Know when to say when to the toy bag."
15. "People get sick. People die. Use a condom, please, unless you've been tested twice in the last year, and so has your partner."
16. "Don't walk away from your friends. You might well need them later, when your dream Dominant turns into a frog."
17. "If you want something, ask. Ask respectfully, ask in role, ask in good faith. But ask. If you don't, chances are, you ain't gonna get it."
18. "Just because you call yourself a slave doesn't mean that others will agree with your definition. Be prepared to defend your views, but don't bark at others for their opinions. They have a right to them, same as you do."
19. "Don't believe everything you read, especially if it comes from John Norman."
20. "Just because the screen name says Master doesn't mean he is one."
21. "Find a way to orgasm without BDSM. You may need that someday."
22. "Safecalls work. Use them."
23. "There are things you won't do. Trust me. Maybe you just haven't been asked to do them yet."
24. "This ain't always all about sex. Don't expect to get a nut every time you play. Then you won't be disappointed when it happens to you. Orgasms are nice, but not mandatory."
25. "People are not always nice. You will not play at every party you attend. You will get hurt non-consensually sometimes."
26. "Your Dominant is not a mind reader."
27. "Forever is not as long as you might think. Sometimes, it's just until she changes her mind again."
28. "The Mistress is not always dressed in thigh highs and hose. The Dominant does not always have his flogger nearby. Sometimes, it's time for sweat pants and hot cocoa."
29. "An argument is not the end of the world. Not resolving it, however, might be."
30. "Sometimes, a fuck is just a fuck. A beating is just a beating. And a kiss is just a kiss. Enjoy it, remember it, and move along."
I hope you've enjoyed your dip in the reality pool. Wipe your feet before going back in the house, and don't drip on my new parquet floors.
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Thoughts on Relationships:
(the following was written before my Master's death, when I was still somewhat naive.)
I tend not to think of relationships as failures, in general. If I have learned something from a relationship, then it was worthwhile. If I have had happiness and positive experiences, then it was worthwhile. Even negative relationships have taught me very valuable lessons.
I was at a lifestyle convention several years ago. One of the speakers said something to the effect of, "We need to stop measuring the value of our relationships by the duration of our relationships."
She said that she had been in long-term relationships that had taught her very little, and one-night-stands that had been very enlightening to her in some way. I could relate to that position very strongly. I've been there.
The Buddha said, "Whatever has a beginning has an ending: make your peace with that and all will be well."
I try to believe in that philosophy as deeply as possible, so that I will *not* be devastated when a relationship reaches it's inevitable end. I also don't dwell as much on whether or not it's going to end - because I know that it *will*. Somehow. Someday...
I am tempted to say that it almost doesn't matter *how* that end arrives - but of course, that wouldn't be true. The circumstances would make a huge difference to me.
Whether my Master died peacefully in his sleep after a brief illness, whether he died suddenly in a car accident [or a motorcycle accident, which is what eventually happened], whether someone deliberately killed him, or whether he came home one evening and said simply that he was no longer interested in being my Master...
All of those scenarios would feel very different, though the end result would be at least somewhat similar in all cases. That is, I'd be alone...
I am alone... |
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Thoughts on transparency:
A long time ago, I had a conversation with my roommate about what it was that we were each looking for in a Dom. One of the things she mentioned was something that she referred to as "Transparency." At that time I had never heard the term.
In her opinion, if I understood her correctly, transparency meant that a Dom must be interested in knowing everything about how his submissive thinks, how her mind works, what her emotions are - to the point that even her thoughts and feelings are completely clear and open to him.
At the time, my roommate was involved with a Dom who didn't particularly seem to care what she thought, or what her emotional/mental experiences were. He primarily just wanted the physical act of Domination. For me, it goes *so* much deeper than that.
I truly believe that a woman with a slave heart and spirit should always be prepared for transparency with a potential Master. I have no secrets. I wish to have no secrets. I seek to someday be able to surrender everything, when the right Master appears. To that end, I am fully open and exposed...
I want a Dom who is *so* deep into my head that I can't hide anything from him, and wouldn't want to hide anything from him. I know it takes awhile to develop that kind of trust - I have only had one relationship like that - and his death has devastated me.
I want to find that kind of intensity, that kind of power exhange, that kind of transparency again. I want it very much.
I want so much more than just a Dom, though. I want a Master - one who owns not just my body, but my heart and soul. That is, in my humble opinion, how it should be. If a man only possesses my body, that's nothing more than hundreds before him have done. It is meaningless.
When he owns my mind, heart, and soul - that is everything. Besides my Master, I have met a few men who could perhaps have done that, but the time or circumstances were not right. I am still hopeful that I will find another Master someday. |
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Some quotes that I really enjoy:
"If I'm asleep and you want to, wake me. If I'm awake and don't want to, make me."
"I will *not* apologize for wanting to find a literate Master..."
"A man who wishes to be a superior Master must learn to master superior women."
"If I look down at my slave, it is only because she is kneeling at my feet, and not because she is inferior to me."
"Any man can become the Master of any number of women if he first has the will to master himself."
"You cannot control a woman if you cannot control yourself. The secret to controlling yourself is understanding yourself, knowing your strengths, weaknesses, fears and desires, and then taking action to use your strengths, overcome your weaknesses, confront your fears, and then fulfill your desires."
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The Chase -
My thoughts on the topic of "pursuit."
I had a discussion with a Dom/Master wherein we talked a little bit about pursuit, and who should be the pursuer (or more accurately, that the Dom / Master should never pursue a potential sub / slave).
Those particular terms, pursuer and pursued, make me a bit uncomfortable. Maybe the word "initiator" would be more accurate - only in that one person inevitably has to make the first move to contact the other.
After the point of initial contact, the recipient has to be at least minimally interested / respectful enough to reply to the exploratory email. At that juncture, I feel that it becomes more of a mutual exploration - rather than either person being the pursued or the pursuer.
Just as I think it would be unseemly for a Master to pursue a potential slave, I also think there could be negative connotations for a potential Master to be seen as someone who is *being* pursued.
If there is mutual interest between two people, that's wonderful. But if either party feels "forced" into the pursuing or pursued category, then it doesn't seem as likely that there is going to be a mutually-viable relationship...
Or maybe this is all just semantics, and therefore a fairly pointless discussion - so I'll drop it now...
On the other hand, I enjoy semantic arguments...
______________________________ |
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So Far Away...
While I sincerely appreciate compliments and kind thoughts as much as anyone else, please don't waste your own time by writing to me unless you're within a reasonable distance of Denver, Colorado and looking for a real face-to-face D/s (preferably M/s) relationship.
I won't necessarily be able to give you the kind of respectful response you probably deserve if you aren't local and looking for a similar type of relationship.
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Too Many Men - Not Enough Time...
The following is an email (somewhat edited) that I recently sent to a man I have been corresponding with. Similar exchanges have happened often enough that I decided to include a copy in my journal, in the hopes that it will cut down on the number of times it comes up in the future. Honestly, though, I have my doubts...
______________________________
I want you to understand that I'm not rejecting you out-of-hand. The question is simply how many men I'm willing to invest in who aren't local.
It would really be a shame for us to spend a lot of time getting to know each other on-line or on the phone, and then to have no connection or chemistry when we met. It has happened for me plenty of times with local men, so I'm feeling a little burned, as well as a lot overwhelmed.
I know that it's different for men on these sites, but I have had literally thousands of men contact me from all over the world in the past nine months. Each of them feels that they are the exception, and they may very well be.
But I can't possibly be everything to everyone and I can't decide which ones are worth investing my limited time in. That's one of the reasons I need a Master - someone to help me set boundaries and limits.
Because of the type of person I am, I feel obligated to respond to virtually everyone who writes to me (even the few who are jerks). I also feel the need to be respectful, kind, and thorough in my responses. Despite my intentions, that kind of response generally encourages men to continue writing, even when I have tried to make it clear that I'm not going to be able to meet their needs.
It's extremely frustrating. I don't like to reject anyone. In fact, I absolutely hate it. Every now and then I get so overwhelmed by the burden of turning perfectly nice men, who are potentially wonderful Masters, away that I shut down my profile, or just stop answering anyone.
So, that's where I'm at. I respect men who are persistent and who go after what they want. But I'm also not willing to invest a lot of time in men who aren't local.
If you ever happen to come to Colorado, I would certainly be very happy to meet you. If there is chemistry and a connection, then I would be willing to consider a long-term relationship with the goal of you relocating (since it isn't a possibility for me).
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Marital Relations and Relationships
I don't necessarily have an issue with someone being married or in a committed relationship. What I *do* have an issue with is people who are not being honest with their partner(s). You must have integrity and honor if you expect trust and respect.
If your mate knows about the situation, fine (but I would expect some evidence of that). If not, I'm simply not interested in getting involved. I deeply sympathize with people who have to live in the closet, but I can't join you there and I won't lie for you or actively participate in deceiving another person.
I'm looking for a Master, one who can give me some sort of honest commitment - not necessarily live-in, but a commitment nonetheless. That requires transparency on both sides.
_______________________
I have been in a completely open poly marriage for 24 years, though my husband and I have not been sexually intimate for about ten years. He knows all about my alternative lifestyle and supports my interests. He considers himself "French vanilla."
My husband is an extremely nice man, who has met most of my lovers over the years. He has three girlfriends of his own and I have met all of them. He was good friends with my Master and knew exactly what our relationship was.
For what it's worth, my husband is home only three or four nights a week and he lives on the second floor of the house. There would be no issue around privacy, play, sleeping, etc.
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Lost and Lonely...
My Master, one of the great loves of my life, died in a motorcycle accident on 09/10/06 (one of the attached photos was taken just hours before his accident).
I'm devastated, lost, and lonely - but I'm not desperate and I'm not looking for a replacement. That isn't possible.
For all his faults, I had the ideal Master (for me) and it will be a very long time before I find anyone who can even come close to measuring up. That is not meant as an insult to anyone else as much as it is a compliment to him.
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A friend told me I should say I'm looking for a Sugar Daddy, someone who will buy me sexy shoes, stockings, and fetish clothing, 'cause I really LOVE to play dress-up.
That's not what I'm looking for, but it would be a fabulous bonus! Just to be clear, however, I'm not a gold-digger. I own my own home and car, and I certainly don't need material things from anyone...
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In the interest of shortening my profile, I have decided to move some of the information into my journal. I hope that makes it a little easier for those Doms who have short attention spans. And I really don't mean that to be as sarcastic as it may sound.
I do realize that my profile is very long and it requires a bit of an effort to actually wade through it. But I also happen to think it's important for you to know enough about me to make an informed decision on whether to write to me or not.
It's not enough to look at my photos and decide that I look all right... |
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| Age: 18 |
| Find me.,
Canada |
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