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sometimes anothers words say things in a far more ordered way than i can get to come out of my own head ...this isn't mine but its me in many ways...
There are days where I am so close to breaking.
There are days when I ignore what I have going on inside myself in order to keep hold of the reins.
There are days when those reins slip out of my hands completely and I flail like a mad woman to get them back, to get control... any type of control.
Sometimes, I even allow myself to cry for a bit, but never for too long. A few tears, and then it's back to business. Push it down, deeper, no... deeper than that, because someone will say something today... And if I didn't push it all the way down, then it will pop back up like a balloon under water and then I'm exposed. Once exposed, I run the risk of opening up and allowing someone to get a glimpse of what's really inside me and as soon as they latch on to that and attempt to delve deeper, then I'm done for. I'm open and spread out on the table. I'm vulnerable... and that is a risk I cannot take. At times, I see something in someone that makes me want to beg them to unlock me and find the secrets inside, to help me actually feel what's going on and to help me through it. I don't think I can do it by myself. God knows I've tried. Still, I attempt to do so.
I am my own Dominant. I am my own submissive. I submit to myself because I am the only on who will fully understand. I submit to myself because I am the only one I can trust with myself. I am the only one who understands me.
Don't get me wrong, some have tried to unlock those doors inside me, but Christ, they are locked 10 times over. Some get through one or two doors and although I continue to slam them in their face, I'm on the other side, quietly begging and crying for them to try harder and screw the locks, just kick them in and be strong enough to open them up, and open me up... and take everything that I am and everything that I have ever been, or will ever be.
And then they never come. It's my fault, after all, I scream and curse and shove them back. Still, I won out in the end. ...but I didn't really win. I'm in the same situation I was before, belonging only to myself. So here comes the 'balloon under water' thing again. Push it down REALLY deep this time. Don't even think about it.
Live your life and laugh, have fun.
Make yourself unattainable.
Keep them back.
Don't allow anyone too close.
God forbid they get inside.
Stupid fucking struggle.
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