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"The only way to get to this new place is to endure a time of difficulty, which is a challenge we can confidently handle, if we remember that it will lead to the change we seek in our lives. Our bodies, hearts, and minds always need time to adjust to a new way of doing things, but they will adapt, and even become our allies, if we remain true to our vision of a new way." author unknown
I'm in the middle of a lot of change right now and diligently trying to maintain and work through it all. It is difficult but the results will hopefully be awesome.
Sometimes I just need to cry.
Sometimes I want to beat my fists against the wall.
Sometimes I want to be held.
Sometimes I want to hide and be alone.
At all times I need to feel safe and loved.
I need peace.
I need encouragement.
I need understanding.
I find myself writing more and more. Poetry just seems to find its way to the surface. Most hasn't been too pleasant but it's a release for me.
Hmmm....
Well that's where I'm at right now. |
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Only four more days!! My Ma'am and Sir and precious sister will be here early Thursday and I can hardly wait!! I need their touch, their scent, their closeness, their tangible love and support. I need the sweet innocent love of their children. I need to hear my Ma'am's voice in my ear and feel her arms hold me close. I need my nest and cocoon.
I long to serve my Sir and Ma'am. I need to sit at their feet. I long for that safe place I know so very well. I love my Sir's deep voice when he calls me "girl" and my Ma'am's special voice as she calls my by the special Name she's given to me..."mine". She's my Primani...my protector...the one I trust more than any other alive. For all that they have done for me, I will always be grateful. I'm more grateful than ever before to wear that special name - Mine. |
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It's been way too long since I wrote anything here! My most precious Ma'am was here for a week and it was such an awesome time together! It was fun to watch her fall in love with snow. She drove through a snowstorm the night she got here. It was really cool! We stopped so I could drive and she got to walk in some fresh virgin snow. I stopped and made a snowball and threw it at her and giggled, so she put some down my shirt. We had a grand time!
We spent lots of time with another leather family that i've become very close to and am a part of. It's someplace that my Ma'am knows I'm safe and happy and it meets needs that aren't able to be met elsewhere.
The highlight of the week was the party that we went to that my Ma'am and Sir had been making secret plans for. They are so sneaky!!! I soooo love them for it! My Ma'am had me go downstairs and stand there and wait for my Sir to call. I was confused because there was a big new rule that no phones were allowed downstairs. Everyone in the room was watching. My Sir was on the speakerphone so that everyone could hear. He had my Ma'am present His very own vest to me!!!!!! He told them that I had earned it and how I had earned it. It means more to me than I have words for. It smells like him! They took pictures and there are a couple of them where I'm looking up at the phone while He was talking to me. I still am amazed at how truly surprised I was.
Not only was I given my vest but we had an awesome night of playing. First she started with a small whip and was getting me while I was undressing, esp my toes! It was fun to dance around while she was snapping that whip. Then she had me lay on a spanking bench and it felt so terribly good! It didn't long for me to start cussing and calling her a f***ing evil bitch! Of course that is what she delights in!
It was a great visit and it was hard to see her leave. I already miss so much but we are talking about our next visit. I love my Ma'am and Sir and sister more than I could ever ever express. |
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I'm here with my precious Primani and my sweet sister and my wonderful Sir! I've been here for about a week and a half and will be here another week and a half or so. This has been an awesome visit. It amazes me how much closer we become each time and this time has certainly been no exception!
It's not been an easy visit because of the actions of others, but I'm grateful to be here to support my sweet family. This has been an opportunity to reconfirm our commitment that if there is ever a disagreement, that we will do everything possible to work it out. Our relationships are too important to throw away. We've been through one major incident in the past and it's over. Even if it's brought up by us or someone else, it is over. We have worked out all of what the issues were and trust has been restored more than completely. We don't have to agree on everything but we can agree to disagree.
Respect is paramount for me. I may play around or even brat a bit, but it's always respectful. I think that is something that can really cause issues in a relationship. I love my chosen family because they are respectful of me and I'm respectful of them. They know that I would never intentionally do anything disrespectful.
They are fair and let me say what is on my heart even though I sometimes fear what the reaction will be. The reaction always is loving and understanding even if they don't agree. They help me work through my fears and worries. Because most of the time, we are far apart, I tend to get overly concerned about things. My Ma'am reassures me over and over that everything is okay and that she loves me and that I'm a good girl.
My sweet Kitty is amazing. She loves so deeply and fully. I've really enjoyed our time together. It's been so incredible to be with her and laugh and have fun, or even to cry together. Nothing and no one can ever make me not love her...NOTHING! We are friends and sisters forever.
My Sir is great! He is funny and crazy and so caring and reassuring. It's a privilege to be owned by Him as well as my Ma'am. He is available if I need help or to ask a question, even if I'm 600 miles away. His birthday is this weekend and Kitty and I are gonna go find something special for him.
I'm very grateful that I belong to a family of imperfect loving people that don't expect perfection from me. I believe that those that expect perfection are setting themselves up for disappointment and resentmet and failure. No one can be perfect. I don't want a Ma'am that is perfect because then she would expect it of me. I love her for who she is, just like she is. She loves me for who I am. That is one key to having a healthy and realistic relationship with others. |
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My Ma'am is so wonderful! She reassures me that taking care of myself is my number one rule and doing that is serving her. She loves me so very much and understands that I'm struggling right now. I know it's hard for her to hear me cry and to tell her how much I miss her. I am truly blessed to have her in my life. I know that she loves me just like I am. She's so awesome! I love you my sweet Ma'am. |
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There are times I feel useless and it's a really crummy feeling. She needs things and wants things and I so long to do them for her. If I lived closer, I truly think I could do them. I haven't when I've visited though and she's left to do so much and it's very difficult for her physically.
I need to serve so much, and in reality, I'm not doing that. I'm not doing it for the one that needs it most and the one that I want to do it for most.
I know I can't meet all of her needs. There are those that if I were there, I could meet. I'm not sure right now if I could ever do what she wants done. I'm certainly not young and beautiful and I'm not a slave. I'm really not, and we both realize it.
I have said that I want to be able to provide stuff for her when I could do so financially. But I can't really do much of that anymore. I can't even seem to get me there or her there.
I dunno...she won't like it that I've said I feel useless. I know worthless would get the same response. But whether I say it or not, the feeling is still there. I'm an emotional mess and tears flow readily every time I think about her because I miss her so very much. I know that's hard for her to deal with because I'm so far away. I try so hard not to dump on her but I can't hold it in forever.
I would give anything in the world to be held by her or sit at her feel. I would give her a foot massage and hopefully relax her enough so she could sleep. Then I would straighten the house and do laundry and fix dinner. I would work on whatever project she would like me to do. I would also spend time just being with her, snuggling and watching TV. I would do stuff with the kids so she and my Sir could spend time together. I know we could never live together but I would love to live close, like within walking distance. We could go shopping together and cook together. Kitty and I could do boots together and just spend time doing things that we enjoy. I would love that more than anything else in life. I don't know if that would ever be okay.
I'm trying to plan for the future because the day will come in a few years that I have to choose where to go and where to live. I would love to plan for that. I wish I felt like it was okay to do that. I'm just feeling really insecure right now. I don't want to get in the way of what she really wants. I want to please her more than anything. But I won't deny that I really wish that those things I've said I would love to do, would be what she wants. Maybe they do, maybe not. I'm only getting older and looking older and feeling older. I'm less than a year away from being 50 and physically am in really crummy shape. I'm working on it though, slowly but surely.
Oh well, enough of this. I'm tired as usual and in pain as usual but I still have stuff to do and I'm gonna go do it because it has to get done. |
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I should write more here but I dunno what to write. I've mostly just been hanging out. I need some play time but it hasn't worked out lately. I miss my Ma'am more than I could ever describe or explain. She's gonna call soon so I'm gonna go back where it's quiet o we can talk. |
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Wow, it's been wayyyy too long since I've written here or anywhere else! So much has happened that I hope I'm able to write it here.
My absolutely incredible Ma'am arrived and we had a wonderful time together. She was here for Leather Camp and we had a great time there and I was so proud to be able to do my stepdown speech with her there. She turned heads everywhere we went. We both struggled some that weekend, but we worked everything out. I was so very sick and should have probably been in bed the whole time. It turned out that I had a very bad UTI and was put on antibiotics and slept for 3 days! She took such awesome care of me.
Then we drove to Texas and we did so many amazing things! I came home with more reminders than I can ever begin to completely enumerate. MiLady played me with an intensity that's difficult to describe. I also had the tremendous privilege of watching her play with the "gladiator". It was so amazing! Their energy was such an incredible thing to be allowed to be included in. She even was able to allow me to sit next to her on the floor while giving him aftercare! Afterward, She showed him how we play now after 3 years. It was soooooooo much fun and it was incredibly intense! I had a mark on my inner left thigh that lasted at least 3 weeks!
I was able to go to a munch in Austin for SAADE and meet people that I've wanted to meet for years! Then we went to a couple of friends houses and spent quite a bit of time with one family. I had so much fun!
We went to a piercer that did my labia piercing before and I got 4 more rings and a vertical hood piercing! Now I have 3 rings on each of my inner labia. The swelling has gone down and they are lots of fun to play with! I've always wanted that done and now it is!
Later that night we went to a SASM munch in San Antonio. I know tons of people there! It was so great to be there and see everyone. The highlight of the night was being able to present my sweet sister kitty with her first leathers, a pair of oil tanned Harley's. It was so great to be able to stand up with others that she has served and been there to help in any way possible and honor her in front of the community where she's made such a difference! She is so amazing and unfortunately people haven't known how to show her that. Maybe now they will catch on and learn to take care of their own. Best of all, she can proudly wear those boots, knowing with each step she's truly earned those boots.
I was confident enough to hold a snake for the first time in my life! We colored my hair a light auburn and then got it cut and shaped up. A few days later I used a relaxer and then bleached a streak and colored it dark blue to match my Ma'am. It's kinda faded and I want to dye it again a dark green and see if it will last longer. If it doesn't, I can just keep doing it if I want.
Then an incredible thing happened! Another member of our House came to visit and brought me a pair of light blue suede boots with 3" heels. I don't normally wear heels and they were a lil bigger than I usually wear. They were beautiful! I turned them over to look at the soles. They had incredible lug soles! I've got a major fetish for bootprints. I looked up in my Ma'am's face and asked if she liked them. She loved them! I told her that I would make a deal with her - that I would give her the boots but that I wanted that bootprint to be the one tattooed on me! We had talked and talked and looked for the right print to have on me. She lit up and tried them on. They fit her like a glove! I was absolutely thrilled! And the member of our House that gave the boots to us is the one that does tattoos. So now I have a beautiful Lady's bootprint on my right thigh. It covers what had been my first brand, a picture of a boot. That had not been a positive experience for me because of the situation when I had it done. That had nearly gone away and now it's replaced with something so beautiful that I had wanted for so very long!
I also have a new brand too. My Ma'am used her cautery pen to draw and awesome anklet on my right ankle. It was not very easy to take but it was so very worth it! It's beautiful! We are planning to go over it when I see her again so that it will become more permanent.
The most important things of all are my new collars. When my Ma'am came to visit, she gave me a ring that she had made for me and there is no other like it. It is a ring made a one long piece of wire that had been twisted into a resizeable ring that spells out the word "Mine". It is the most beautiful piece of jewelry I've ever seen and certainly the most personal thing I've ever been given. When I got back to San Antonio, my Sir made me a House collar from Him. It's the same that my sweet sister kitty has and means so very much to me. I belong to him as well as my Ma'am and it's important to me to wear his collar. I'm really proud to be his and be a member of his House. It's a black leather collar with a celtic dragon concho on the front. It also locks closed. My Ma'am then made me another collar of leather that is an empire shape and has a beautiful buckle and tip on it. There is a hole punched so that I can wear it with a lock on it as well. It also has the dragon concho on it and they both worked on it for me. I feel so loved and so much that I belong. I am so grateful that I am a member of House Infernus.
I'm home again and I miss my family so much! I'm grateful for all of the contact we have and for all they do to stay involved in my life and what goes on. Sometimes it's difficult when things are going on here, and things are going on there, to feel like it's okay to ask for advice about something or help with something or permission to do something. I know they chose me even though I live 600 miles away now and they chose to be my Owners. Rather than not participate in things because I don't want to have to ask, which I see as passive disobedience, I get involved and involve them in what I'm doing. I serve them regardless of where I am. I may not be getting their tea and kissing the rim of their cups or helping serve their household or whatever they may happen to need at the time, but I do serve them from here and make sure that I inform them of all that is going on that pertains to me so that they are a part of my life here. I'm very grateful that they have both been here and know the people here and that the people here know and respect them and their Ownership of me.
Well, now that I've written a book, I think it's time for me to get some sleep. Hopefully I can keep up with this better! I'll do my best! |
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It's been a difficult week but hopefully today will be better. i'm headed to an extreme kink party tonight. It should be really interesting. i don't belive i will be playing but it will be fun to hang out and watch and visit with like-minded kinky people!
i've played a couple of times this week with a Dom that's here that my Ma'am knows and allows me to play with. i've really struggled with subdrop all week. It makes me weary. i know it makes things hard for my sweet Ma'am and i hate that.
i'll be so glad when i can see Her this week. She will be here in 4 nights. She can't get here soon enough for me. i love Her so very much.
i'm very much looking forward to playing with Her this next week. Mmmmmm..... She is truly incredible! As much as i love to play with Her, mostly i just want to be close to Her. i want to stare into Her beautiful deep eyes. i want to bury my face in Her neck and close my eyes as i recognize Her beautiful scent that is only Hers. i want to feel Her soft hair. i want to kneel at Her feet and kiss them softly. i want to serve Her in any way that She desires. i long to give Her a foot massage.
Next week i will have the extraordinary honor to walk into Leather Camp III with the most gorgeous sexy Woman there. i'm so excited to show off miLady to all who are there. i know people will see Her because i have to judge the bootblack contest and do my step-down speech. She has been such support to me over the last year. She's incredible!!
Sometimes in relationships things get difficult. Miscommunication happens. It's a struggle when there are physical and emotional issues. i hate how that affects me. i hate when i am not able to do what i want to do and what She wants me to do. i hate it even more when it messes with my mind and i start thinking things that are so off the wall and wrong.
i've learned something over all this time that we have known each other. Our relationship is worth working through anything to keep it going and working well. i refuse to let my emotional junk or physical problems be something that hinders my relationship with Her. She's worth too much to me!
All in all, She is my very amazing Primani...my Ma'am, my Lady. |
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i am struggling some these days but i know that the struggle is a battle in my mind for the truth. i know the truth. i believe the truth. i just become afraid and think that maybe i've misunderstood what it is. Maybe what i think is the truth really isn't the truth. Maybe i've been wrong all this time. i hate this confusion. i hate the anxiety and fear. i desperately long to be at peace. i want to know that i know that i know what the truth really is.
i wish i didn't feel like this so much so often. i'm grateful i was able to talk out some things. It was helpful in many ways but it seem like i've unearthed more junk that i really need to work through. i don't want to because i know it's hard. It's hard for me and whoever listens. i'm tired of being miserable and i'm tired of making others miserable.
i'm just tired.
i dunno what to do. i want to just sleep and not think. i want to talk and get it over with. It seems that it's not over with even with talking.
My heart hurts. It feels like the picture on my cell phone. It's a heart that's is broken with a big bootprint on it. It's called "Trampled". i got it because i thought it looked like i loved boots. i wish that's all it was. It feels like trampled now. At least before, no one knew what i was thinking and feeling. Now She does. i wish i hadn't said anything. i can't do that however. i belong to Her...completely. Even my thoughts belong to Her so i have made a commitment to tell Her what i think.
It's only a week and She will be here. i can hardy wait but i'm scared. i'm glad She understands. She's reassured me repeatedly that this is understandable and it will be okay. It was not okay before because my meds were all messed up. My meds are straightened out now so it will be better. That's my cognitive therapy exercise that i'm to do when i think it's gonna be bad.
i love Her so much. That seems like it should be a good thing. i really think it is. i hope it is.
i'm so sleepy. i think i will take a short nap. i will talk more to Her later. i know She loves me and that will never change. i know that i'm Hers. i'm the only one that She will ever call mine. i'm the only one allowed to call Her Primani. She loves me and i love Her. That's the best thing. That will never change. |
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i'm a happy content lil submissive and leather girl.  i miss my Ma'am and Sir and the rest of the family more than there are words to describe but i am doing okay and know that i will see my precious Primani in a few short weeks. i know that i've been and will continue to work on getting healthy and will be good and ready for Her arrival! Then i will drive back with Her and get to spend time at the place that my heart calls home. i know it will be here and that i need to just do what i've been doing so i'll be able to be at my best then.
i went to our Leather group meeting tonight and then later to the bar and got a couple of leather things that i liked. i got to see lots of friends that i've missed for a long time. i also was asked to work on some leather boots that a guy needs for our leather contest in August.
Then the president of the group, also my Leather Title Sir, asked me to come teach one of His boys that is coming to town how to clean His leathers. i know how much leather is there...that boy is gonna be a longgggg time cleanin' leathers! i'm honored that He asked me to come do thatl
i also have the privilege of writing an article for our monthly newsletter (WOOLF Watch) that will be given out at our Leather conference and contest. It will also go into the Leather Archives! i get to write from a woman's perspective as a member and an officer and bootblack and titleholder. i'm truly honored by that.
All in all, it's been an awesome day! |
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Well things are pretty busy lately. I stayed busy while my sweet Ma'am was here and have pretty much since she went back home. I still miss her so very much! She does so much to take care of me and helping me to stay emotionally stable. We've gotten lots worked out and settled. I'm sure there are still things to discuss but we are not pushing things, just handling them when they come up. I'm grateful for that.
I've been to a party with someone and did some porcupine quill play and then just went back to the hotel and snuggled for the night. That was what I needed most. I was definitely prepared for me but what we did was what we both needed.
My Ma'am checked on me and made sure I was okay and reassured me that she was there for me. She's so good for me and good to me. Wow!
Tonight I'm just feeling kinda yucky...like a cold coming on. I hope it goes away quick. I have other stuff to do! We'll see. I will keep taking lots of vitamin C and drink lots of water and tea. |
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Well, i'm very happy but also sad at the same time. My very special awesome Ma'am was here for the last 10 days or so and went back home yesterday. We had planned on me going back home with her for a week or so but i wasn't able to because of circumstances with my kids. That means i miss her birthday and a big party there with the BDSM group where we met. i was going to be able to help my sweet sister get the snacks and stuff done and support her in that. Now i'm here at home missing them terribly.
i'm so grateful for the time we had together. Some of it was really hard but all in all it worked out and we were able to really solidify our relationship. We had an awesome time together at a party on Saturday night and connected in an incredible way that we both needed. i'm grateful for the opportunity for her to be here for that and to be able to spend time with friends that i have made here. She was able to get to know some that have really helped in taking care of me with her so far away.
LDR are really difficult but i would rather be hers at a distance than not at all. |
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After 13 months of time passing and searching and healing and working and tears, I am back home in the D/s family where I began. On March 15, I was welcomed back into House Infernus, and I'm collared to Draco Infernus and to my Primani Nova.
Home is one of the most important things in the world to me. I know that I'm back in my true home. There is no place for me that I love more than being at the feet of my precious Primani. Even though we are living 600 miles apart, we are never more than a heartbeat apart and a phone call away.
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Well that relationship is over...what a mess... I thought being friends for more than a year would make a difference. I guess it did. It made me think I could trust people more. We may work things out to still be friends but it will be a long time before I trust like that again. It just hurts too much. I don't need that kind of stuff going on in my life.
I have decided to spend time working with the local community here. As the Great PLains Community Bootblack, I need to spend some time taking care of boots as well. There are plenty of people here and in my life that will take care of me and whatever needs I have as a submissive.
I would love to meet people to chat with or meet at community activities. I think being involved is most important. I feel that a desire to learn is one of the most important traits to watch for when looking for others to spend time with. |
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I'm doing fairly well. I am now in a relationship with a Master and his slave. We have been friends for a long time and now have begun to look at pursuing an M/s relationship with them.
It's been good to be taken care of so well. It's amazing to me that someone could take care of me like they do. I hope we can work things out. |
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i'm not sure where to start. i know that i'm in a relationship where my needs aren't being met. i have permission to find others to play with as far as pain play and sexual play. At this point, my Master would have to approve for this to happen. i'm not sure where i stand on it but i know that there are things i need that He cannot provide for me. If you are interested in anything, please contact me.
Thanks! |
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.
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with joy!
and 
without Her.
or 
whenever we can. 
or 
or 
and 
to get there.
and 
. I would be 
and 
to be there now.
Her very much!