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The Largest BDSM Community on the Planet

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Hetero Female Submissive, 32,  Austin, Texas
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Sometimes it takes a few life-changing events to find one's self. I am content, and I have peace.? I'm not looking for anything besides friendship.?

Day by day I move, I breathe, I transform, I become...I, simply, AM.? I am, in essence, onyx.? A precious gem that is?full of?beauty, abyssal in soul, and shines brightly in the love for?submission when caught in sweet light.

??I am a poetess, a storyteller, a writer, a student, a teacher, a wife (yes, you read that correctly), a mother, a talker, a listener, a reader, a thinker, a comedian, a counselor, and so much more.

I've known since I was a child that there was something different about me; my need to please and to have approval was generally always clearer than my own thoughts and feelings.??But the needs that are deep within me, along with my?past behaviors,?were that of a female with a need to serve and submit.


Before you approach me, I would highly recommend reading my profile and journal entries; it could actually save us a lot of time.? I find intelligence to be sexy and I also have an affinity for humor--if you can make me laugh, and I can make you laugh, then we'll get along splendidly.


And yes, I do have yahoo...but don't use it for people I don't know or people I have just met.? So please...don't ask for my information and please, don't offer yours.??











 Submissive Female



 Under 5'



 African Descent



Actively Seeking:


 Lives For:

 Poetry (Expert)

 Writing (Expert)



 Amusement Parks


 Musical Theater

 Renaissance Faires (Beginner)





 Snorkeling (Beginner)



 Online Chatrooms




 Lifestyle BDSM



 Art Galleries

 Coffee Shops (Beginner)

 Museums (Beginner)

 Horseback Riding

 Corsetry (Beginner)

 Being Massaged

 Massage (Giving)

 Clothing Selection


 Card Games (Beginner)

 Comedy Shows

 Historical Shows

 Horror Movies (Beginner)

 Role Playing Games

 Simulation Games (Beginner)

 Web Surfing





 Classical Music

 Eighties Music

 Hip Hop Music

 Nineties Music


 Punk Rock Music



 Seventies Music




 Curious About:

 Scuba Diving




 Breast Play


 Canes and Crops


 Electrical Play


 Fire Play



 Masks (Wearing)

 Masks on Partner

 Mental Bondage

 Obedience Training

 Orgasm Control


 Pony/Puppy Roleplay

 Role Playing

 Sensory Play

 Theatrical Scenes

 Vacuum Stimulation

 Wax Play


 1950s Lifestyle

 Kick Boxing




 Housework Service



 Corner Time


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Journal Entries:
4/27/2013 7:02:26 AM
Sometimes you learn from the people that hurt you the most. You learn about YOURSELF.

1/23/2013 5:00:08 AM

Trying hard now
It's so hard now
Trying hard now 

Getting strong now
Won't be long now
Getting strong now 

Gonna fly now
Flying high now
Gonna fly, fly, fly... 

11/20/2012 1:58:40 PM
"He completes me." "Without him my life is nothing." "I don't know what I'd do without him." "He makes me whole." So many times I've depended on others to make my life complete. I've depended on others to make me whole. I've depended on others to make me happy, to present me with a fairytale life. But if I can't be a whole person by myself, then I'm no use to anyone else. I've got to fix whatever is broken in ME first. A cracked, damaged pot is in no condition to receive the decoration from the artist. Only a smooth, whole, strong vessel can handle whatever the artist and owner puts into it. Sometimes it takes the pot being broken, ground, mixed with water, and reformed and fired before it's ready for use...and service.

8/15/2012 10:57:51 AM
I am not my hair. I am more than my skin. I extend past my pussy. I have a brain...and a working one, at that. We can discuss the Socioeconomic Status (SES), social theory, or the majority/minority argument based on race, numbers, and income (don't confuse that with wealth). We can discuss anything. Yes, I show pictures of myself, because I'm in love with life and don't mind sharing my extroverted, kinky, submissive, exhibitionist personality with the world. But there's SO much more to me... What is there to YOU?

8/14/2012 8:44:04 AM
?Wow...after a kid misbehaved and I told his mom, she told him to give me a hug and say he was sorry (I'm like, "Lady, I do NOT want your kid to come near me...")...he tells her no, and that he doesn't want to give a BLACK PERSON a hug. Wow. Speechless. She said she didn't know why he'd said that and asked him why...he touched his head on the desk and went to crying so he didn't have to answer her. She apologized to me...told him to tell me he was sorry (which he didn't). I know how to keep my cool, because I know he has certain behavioral/developmental issues. But that's NO excuse for racism in a six year old. It hurts my heart, too...not because of what he said, but because he--a CHILD, an innocent--has been subjected to it enough for him to say it. I fear for his future.

8/14/2012 5:21:59 AM
I think it's time to change some pictures around...not too many, but a few...stay tuned!

8/5/2012 10:01:04 PM
I want to slow dance with Him. I want to feel His arms around me tightly, so tightly that it's difficult for me to breathe...and yet, knowing that I have all the air I need. I want His steps to guide mine, His body to lead my own, and His hands to turn me as He pleases. And then, after our dance has ended, and He has attached His leash again to the collar at my neck, then we will begin another dance. This time, at a much faster pace...and with my screams from His sweet, orgasmic pain and the whoosh of His flogger, the slap of His skin against mine, and His grunts of pleasure as He claims what is our only music.

8/4/2012 8:55:31 AM
I love it when He watches me. My clit tingles, just to know that I am in His thoughts enough for Him to view me. My heart races with the thought of Him being inside of my head, inside of my soul...inside of my very nature's core...and, of course, inside of my body. Inside of every part of me, even the parts that I shut off from everybody else, even myself. He deserves nothing less. I want to give Him my tears, my pain, my pride, my will and my shame. I want to give Him my joy, my orgasms, my smiles and my energy. Someday, perhaps.

8/3/2012 10:54:39 AM
I would wait for Him...forever. He sees me from afar...but is silent. Sometimes it's best to just...shut up and wait. And worth every second of waiting.

7/31/2012 5:42:41 AM

Spaghetti-O's+Snapple+Olympics=Dream about X-Men, me having super powers (running, jumping and clearing people's criminal histories), and the Phantom of the Opera unknowingly having a baby by a maid.  Oooooooooooooooooookie dokie then!

7/28/2012 10:18:44 AM
Yes, I watched the opening ceremonies. There were certain parts of the opening ceremonies that I really enjoyed...but otherwise, not so much. I cried after watching the Kaos Children's Signing Choir for Deaf and Hearing Children. It wasn't about the was about the children, and how much this meant to them. They'll have memories of this forever. And everybody wasn't perfect..."dancers" were short and fat instead of just tall and modelesque...some were in wheelchairs, children who were in wheelchairs or was amazing. And Rowan Atkinson? Mr. Bean? GENIUS. I love that man! I enjoyed the way they showed the progression of time, and loved the diversity of faces and races while they "worked" to go from one era to the other. I understood the message they were conveying, but for the most of the world, they were expecting the flashiness like Beijing...not a history of the UK. Now, myself...I have a degree in sociology, and my minor was psychology, so seeing the industrial era take place, was interesting. I enjoyed the way they "forged" the Olympic rings... But all the dancing and house party and boy-meets-girl type stuff didn't appeal to me at all. I folded laundry. Lol... Overall, it was a way to brag on the UK. More power to them, but I thought it was pretty cool to see a lot of the literature--the authors and characters--that came from the UK, that have exploded in sales in the USA. Overall, not the absolute best I've ever seen, but I enjoyed it.

7/27/2012 7:16:17 AM

Hhhmmm...Donna Summer's in my head.  I wonder how she got there...  : )

7/26/2012 7:41:30 AM
True service is not insomuch the work that is done specifically; rather, it is the passion behind the work that is done. It is the attitude. It is the mindset. When I'll clean his boots, I won't just be wiping away the dirt, dust, mud, water, etc. I'll be telling him, with each stroke of my hand, "I love you." I'll be telling him, with each wipe from the cloth, "Thank you for allowing me to serve you." I'll be telling him, with each swipe of the buffer, "I appreciate your position as my head." With the care that I put his things away, I'll be telling him, "I recognize and cherish my place beneath you." Service, without sincere affection behind it, is simply labor. It's mindless work that anyone that is paid enough, or any robot programmed correctly, can do. I want to serve...and service him...because it is a privilege and honor to do so. Because he has proven himself worthy through his honor, integrity, personality, strength, humor, thoughts, sensitivity, and actions. His Alpha Dominant presence. I may never be his true slave. But when I can, I will submit to him with all of myself that I can give.

7/19/2012 7:06:08 AM

The new profile pic will be up a limited time, I think...I'm proving it to myself daily...that

7/17/2012 6:42:31 AM

"If you want something in your life you've never had, you'll have to do something you've never done."     --J.D. Houston

7/8/2012 9:36:11 PM

He always finds a way to make me feel better.  Sometimes it's by sending me a picture.  Sometimes it's by encouraging words.  And sometimes--though not immediately--it's by kicking my ass. 


Thank You. 

7/6/2012 11:17:50 PM
I am stronger than tears. I just proved that to myself by getting in the gym and getting my grind on.

7/2/2012 9:09:06 AM
I am stronger than yesterday. I am stronger than excuses. I am stronger than ordinary. I am stronger than negativity. I am stronger...than you might think.

6/26/2012 4:59:55 PM

I had a feeling at the back of my neck...eyes have been on me. 


His eyes.


And that is a sweet, sweet feeling. 

6/14/2012 2:38:13 PM

I crave his Alpha presence; that presence that demands attention and respect.
I crave his voice, so distinctive, clear, and full of weighted authority.
I crave his primal nature.
I crave his control, over my body, my orgasms, my attire...and over himself.
I crave his touch, so soft and sensual with the smoothest of lovemaking techniques.
I crave his abuse of the sweetest kind, that marks me well and makes me ask for more.
I crave his knowledge and wisdom, his intelligence and candor. 
I crave his understanding and patience, the kind that makes me strive to do better. 
I crave his wit, sense of humor and appreciation for life. 
I crave his courage and determination, his ambition for accomplishment. 
I crave his love. 
I crave his pain. 
I crave his gentleness when he wipes my tears away. 
I crave his punishment for my infractions. 
I crave the orders he leaves for me in his absence. 
I crave the access to his body and mind; his thoughts, desires, aspirations and fears. 
I crave the feeling of being his yellow sun and his kryptonite, all in one. 
I crave the knowledge that I am his. 
I crave his chains. 
I crave his whip. 
I crave his flogger. 
I crave his cane. 
I crave his rape. 

I crave...his claim. 
I crave...his collar. 

I crave, simply, my King. 

5/22/2012 5:40:37 PM
I'm feeling my domestic itch again. Not so much to be somebody's maid...but to be there to serve, as maid and housekeeper with the BDSM twist. The uniform. The protocol. The rules. I hear them calling my name... Key to His place, routine and scheduling, knowledge of all goes together. I'm thinking that this will be good for me to get into domestic service, develop friendship (and who knows what else), and practice habits that will benefit me in my own home as well. Practice makes naturally, they must be local, but who knows, right?

5/14/2012 7:02:16 AM

I don't switch.  It's not in my nature.  I have a submissive, people-pleasing personality.  I always have.  It's been in me since before I even knew it had a name.  It's been in me since childhood.  I have a psychological need to please, to be found pleasing, to serve, to service and to submit. 


I don't switch. 


When people switch, they are submissive some of the time, and dominant the other time.  What if I, being the perpetual s-type, happen to catch that person when they're feeling their s-type side taking over?  Two s-types together won't work for me.  Sure, there are submissive couples, that share a Dominant or have their individual Dominants, and that works for them.  Awesome...more power to them. 


But it just doesn't work for me. 


Now, it doesn't mean I won't be friends with a submissive male.  In fact, I have very few submissive male friends that would still--at their insistence--serve me in some kind of way.  Instead of making lists for them to do my bidding, chances are I'd get right in there and do it with them so that we're working together, as opposed to him submitting to me.  A submissive person with a submissive pet, of sorts...interesting concept.

Bears research...I'll get back to you.

5/12/2012 9:35:06 AM
Gotta love a man that loves music...especially my kind of music...but a man that has eclectic tastes in music is high on my list! Oh, and don't let him know how to dance! It's ON!

4/27/2012 12:29:55 PM

Yay!! Everything is clear! My cells are non-cancerous and clear, and I've been given clearance to do almost everything!! Alright...who's going to hit the gym (and do a little dancing) with me??

4/20/2012 4:14:51 PM

So...apparently, hemorrhaging is a bad thing.  Dag nabbit.  More bed/pelvic rest for me.  Ugh.  No sex.  Hell, not even masturbation's allowed.  Someone, please tell me...why is it that when I'm sick, working, or on the mend that I'm the most sexually charged?!?  Is it just because I can't, so naturally, I want to?  Hhhmmm...nope, because I'm all for sex and masturbation when I'm healthy and happy.  [LOL]  So I know that's not what IS it?  God help you all when I'm given the clearance.  "...she's climbin in yo windows, snatchin yo people y'all need to hide yo wife, and hide yo husband, cuz she rapin everybody out here..."


Yep...issues...I HAZ 'EM.

4/13/2012 3:13:00 PM

Sometimes I hate the healing process.  I'm ready to get in the gym and get on the move!  I'm ready to dance with a partner to fantastic music, and...and...and...and...shoot, I'M JUST READY!

4/12/2012 8:28:18 PM

You know, one of these days, I just know that someone from this site--that lives in Austin--will recognize me.  I swear, if I hear, "Hey, [little]onyx!" then I'm just going to turn around, smile, and wave.  LOL!


Side note: Regarding my last journal entry...I've been asked how that went.  Well, the lab results came back, and this was the report: I'm severely Vitamin D deficient (prescription obtained and being consumed), my triglyceride level is high, and I had a severe-level precancerous cells on my cervix.  Yesterday morning I had surgery to remove them, so we'll see what happens when I go back in two weeks.  But I'm not afraid.  I'm a strong woman, and I have faith.  Whatever happens will happen, but I'm going to face it with strength, and positivity!  Thanks for all of you that checked up on me!  I'm at home now, resting, and doing well!

4/6/2012 9:12:03 PM
Ugh, four internal biopsies in one day, in one sitting at the doctor. Ouch. But you know what? I'm going to be okay. I'm going to put on my big girl "pannies" and be brave, come what may. Because that's the kind of woman I am, dag nabbit!

3/27/2012 8:37:09 AM
Oy, burning pain in the left breast. It's been on and off for a few days now, so I guess I'm off to the doctor. But yanno what? I ain't worried about it. I'm strong...I think.

3/26/2012 6:54:27 PM

Grateful for all the lessons I've learned--and am learning--from him...grateful for the time and patience that it takes to deal with someone like me...grateful for the discipline and correction that I've received...grateful for the thinking I've done because of his words...grateful for his very existence in this world.


I admit that I can become jealous.  I am jealous.  Even when I have absolutely no right to be, I am.  Why?  Because there is always someone--in some way--that is more pleasing than me.  Someone that's more beautiful than me.  Someone that's thinner than me.  Someone that's more proportionate than me.  Someone that's smarter than me.  Someone that's richer than me.  Someone that can be more and do more than me.  But you know what...?


No one will ever BE me.  


I'm a sweet bitch.  I'm his sweetest bitch.  And that's how I want to stay.  A submissive woman with a genuine desire, a heartfelt need and a natural instinct to respect, obey, and submit.


I wouldn't want it to be anything more than this, besides a happily owned slave.





3/24/2012 9:17:51 AM
It is good to be able to talk to someone--particularly a dominant male--that will allow you to express your thoughts freely. That is not to say there will not be corrections, or a disagreement with something that was said. Rather, the fact that you can express your thoughts freely, truthfully, and respectfully to someone that will listen, is a beautiful freedom in and of itself that one should not take for granted.

3/14/2012 8:54:20 PM

When you stop learning, you die.  Everyone should be a lifetime student.  Some people think that they know so much...when in reality, they really don't know as much as they think.  Some people are incredibly book smart, but have no common sense.  Some people have all the common sense and street smarts in the world but have not had a formal education.  The point is to never stop learning. 


Even today, I thought that I knew the answer to a question that was asked of me.  What I didn't realize was that I assumed the meaning behind the question.  That was my first mistake.  When I am asked a question, I need to make sure that have a clear understanding of the question, so that I can answer the question correctly.  If I don't have a clear understanding, then I need to ask for clarification.  Silly as it may sound, I find that I feel a little less intelligent...and a bit more humbled...when I answer the question with an overconfident attitude...and it turns out that I misunderstood the question, and am corrected.  


I'm a grown-ass woman.  I'm 32 years old.  I'm a wife, a mother, and a teacher.  And yet, I must remain as a student...with a childlike spirit.  Meaning, I must have an open mind filled with sponges to soak up good advice, wise words, and lessons to learn.  Clay that is being molded does not talk back to its potter and say, "I don't like the way you're making me.  Chip a little more, here, but leave some of that, there." 


I desire to be the silent clay and the sponge.  I continue to learn. 

3/13/2012 11:41:53 PM

I just finished making two loaves of homemade friendship bread!  I added my own twist with extra cinnamon, raisins, and brown sugar.  I can't wait to dig in tomorrow!  Anybody else want some?

3/10/2012 9:48:07 AM
I think everyone should have at least one session of marathon fucking a week. Not that I'm getting mine, but I just think that's the way it SHOULD be. Who's with me? All in favor, say I! Or aye. Or ai. Hell, just say YES!! I'm ready for my marathon...anybody else?

3/8/2012 7:29:15 PM
I can't wait until that day...when He is here, or I am there, and we are everywhere and nowhere together. When I am happily and consentingly forced to accept my place at His feet, accept His place at my head, and lovingly kissed by His crop.

3/2/2012 4:50:56 PM

Three new pairs of 5-inch heels (they make me around 5'4" tall, by the way) and an onyx ring with a band (that I purchased myself, thank you very much) in two days.  I'm a happy girl!!

2/29/2012 5:47:28 PM

Lately, I've found myself more and more interested in domestic service.  My submission goes deeper than being bound and fucked.  It goes deeper than being tied and flogged.  It goes deeper than practicing slave positions and protocol.  It goes deeper than dressing the way I'm told.  And, of course, it goes beyond cooking and cleaning.  Submission, to me, encompasses all of the above.  While I can't do all of those things at one time on a regular basis for just one person, I believe that all of those things combined will develop me into the slave I aspire to be--which is, essentially, the most pleasing and obedient slave that I can be--for my Owner. 

But, I digress.  I was talking about domestic service.  I'm not saying that I'd like to be someone's maid, housekeeper, or cook; rather, some of all of that, combined with the understanding that there will be domestic discipline if things are not done correctly.  Furthermore, having the understanding that at any time, I may be stopped at my duties for other reasons, but sent back to them for completion.  Keeping his/their house (as I have no desire to belong to a female alone), as well as the sexual service and other services, would be ideal. 

There's something about having a key to someone's place, and knowing that there are specific things to be done there, whether they are present or not.  Perhaps one day I'll found out what that's like... 

2/24/2012 9:35:52 AM

I'm cleaning chicken...yes, I said I'm cleaning chicken.  Don't think I don't know how to throw down in the'll be sadly mistaken!  Last night's menu: spiral pasta with red peppers, tossed in olive oil with basil, oregano and thyme, baked chicken and spinach.  Don't mess with me...  Now, who's ready for dinner tonight?  WOOT!

2/17/2012 5:18:17 AM

It's already starting to be a very, very, very bad day.  It's cold, it's raining, and I'm severely disappointed with something.  But I don't have the time to sit down and cry about it right now.  Yes, I'm unhappy with the way certain things are going at the moment.  But so what?  I'm alive.  I have things to do, and business to take care of. 

And damn it, I'm a woman.  Shit's about to get done. 

2/2/2012 11:49:43 PM

I am both sadist and masochist.  Do you want to know how I know?  Here's the answer:  I just got back from the gym!!

1/29/2012 8:58:59 PM

I have rollers in my hair, no makeup, a tank top, plaid pajama pants, white cotton bikini panties, and white ankle socks. And you know what? I'm STILL beautiful. Hell, I'M SEXY! Bring it on!

1/25/2012 10:23:07 PM

Either lead, follow, or get out of the way.  'Nuff said.

1/21/2012 3:53:29 PM

Thank you so much to those that have been patient with me during my absence!  All is well...and I'm ready for 2012 to bring it on!  Mindsets have been changed, goals are planned, and self-assessment is on-going.  If I'm not good to my body, and my mind, and my place as a submissive woman, then what good can I be to another? 


I'm ready.  Let's dance.

1/17/2012 9:27:13 PM

PSA: I'm going off the grid for a few days.  Yes, everything is alright.  No, I'm not going to jail.  Yes, I'm sure. 


These days are a time of reflection, meditation, and soul searching.  I won't be online at all during these days, so please do not be offended if I do not answer messages in a timely manner.   I will be back online on Saturday morning.


Wishing you all peace and light!  Take care, be safe, and I'll see you all soon!

1/13/2012 9:29:15 PM

Someone just asked me, "So what is your kink in life?" My response: "Service. I think less of it as a kink, and more of it as a frame of mind and state of being." 


There are things that I'm into, of course--several things that are listed as fetishes--but I wouldn't say that my submissive personality and slave identification is a kink in life.  It is, simply, what I am; ergo, I strive to be the best that I can be at it.  

1/11/2012 5:40:53 PM

Ugh...not feeling so good.  :-(  But it'll get better...the pain will stop, and I'll go on being a kick-ass human being.  For the moment, though, I think I'll take a short break.

1/4/2012 5:09:19 AM

Someone will always be prettier.  Someone will always be smarter.  Someone will always be younger.  But no one will ever be me.

12/31/2011 11:02:00 PM

It is well in 2012.  Happy New Year to each and every one of you! May your stomachs be full, your hearts merry, your funds in abundance, and your worries few.

12/25/2011 5:04:57 AM

Wishing each and every one of you a Merry Christmas!  May your hearts be full of laughter and cheer, your stomachs full of good food and libations, and your minds at ease.  If you don't have close family or friends nearby, consider yourself part of my family today. 

12/24/2011 9:10:12 PM

Open your gift. 
Rip off the tape of silence. 
Tear away the insecurities. 
Open the box with your name engraved on it. 
See what is inside. 

For too long I wrapped myself. Layer after layer, year after year, I covered my essence with pretty decorations. Bows and ribbons, glitter and lace. Shiny paper, joyful words. I made it difficult to get to what was inside. 

Have you ever been to a department store and seen wrapped gifts? The boxes are wrapped pretty enough to put Martha Stewart to shame...and they are hollow. They are nothing but empty shells designed to be pleasing to the eye. 

I have no desire to be such a thing. 

What I want to be--no, what I choose to be--is full of life, laughter, joy, love, passion, energy, light, peace, grace, kindness and genuine service. 

Diamonds--and most gemstones--are purchased using the four C's. I am not a diamond, and I am not most gemstones. I am onyx. I am opaque. Deep. Abyssal. I have a rough exterior; there are things--walls of sorts--to be chipped away and polished, cut and shaped, set, and then polished again. But once I am set... I. Will. Shine. 

I am waiting to be opened, taken out, examined, played with, and eventually cherished and invaluable. 

I am not asking what you will do for me, what you will give me, where you will take me, or to whom you will show me. I am not asking for you to gift me with anything in return. Just let me be yours, and that's good enough for me. 

Merry Christmas!!

12/23/2011 7:18:25 AM

Intelligence is sexy.  Most of you that read my journal entries have likely noticed that I try to always use complete sentences, correct grammar, punctuation usage, verb and tense usage, avoid fragmented or run-on sentences, etc.  I'm not perfect.  I'm no grammar nazi, nor am I completely intolerant of other people that do not use the same care when it comes to conversing intelligently as I do.  However...I will say that it greatly increases your chances of favorable and open responses when I'm spoken to in an intelligent manner.  One-liners and number-for-letter substitutions are more likely to receive one-liners from me as a response.  There are very few who can give me short, simple messages and receive a lengthy response from me.  They know who they are.   


And you know what else?  I'm inclined to believe that people that think and speak alike tend to have more fulfilling conversations.  It's just food for thought.  : )

12/21/2011 4:34:03 AM

Sometimes it's the simplest things that make me happy.  Monday was a...very, VERY bad day for me, and it should've been an awesome day, considering it was my son's fourth birthday.  But everything that COULD go wrong, DID go wrong.  It was literally one thing after the other.  And then yesterday I was invited out to a coffee shop with someone special to me.  No shopping trips to spoil me, no mind-blowing sex.  Just sitting in a Starbucks and relaxing, laughing, and talking.  That made my day, and I couldn't stop smiling afterward.  That small, simple act made up for everything bad that happened Monday, and even the bad things that happened on Tuesday. 


Sometimes, it's the simplest things...that make me happy. 

12/17/2011 11:23:34 PM

My printer broke JUST as I was printing out note cards for my class's Christmas presentation tomorrow morning.  No, I take that back.  It didn't just break.  It went haywire on me!! It started smoking...rapidly.  So I'm thinking, "Ugh, great.  Now I'm going to have to write every one of these out by hand."  Mind you, there's about 27 cards for us to pass out to the audience, as they're going to be an interactive part of the presentation.  So here I am, writing each note card by hand.  In black, fine-point Sharpie permanent marker.  Twenty-seven cards.  27.  Veinte y siete.  


I've lost count...don't feel like counting how many are left. 


But you know what?  It's okay...because I'm a SOLDIER!  I'm a woman, dag nabbit!  I have a handful of children to help tomorrow morning...and so help me, they will put on a wonderful presentation!  


Granted, right now my head is spinning because the smell of smoke and marker are through the air where my face is.  I think I'll stop when I'm nauseated. 


In 3...2...1... 




Nevermind that--I HAVE A PRESENTATION TO DO!  Three-to-five-year-olds are depending on me! 


(drops head on desk) 


I got this, y''s all good.  Help me out, Opium:

12/14/2011 4:36:56 PM

I say we go for it.  Who's with me??

12/7/2011 7:18:10 AM

~sighs~  I am a happy, happy girl right now.  I think I'll head back to sleep.  : )

12/5/2011 5:08:18 PM

A car has hit a pole near my house, so my entire neighborhood is in a blackout. Luckily, I ordered pizza first, so I'm having an awesome candlelight dinner of pizza...with my MiniDom. C'est la vie!  UPDATE: The power is back on...but to be honest, I really did enjoy my pizza dinner date with my three year old.  You should try it sometime--even if you don't have kids--just for fun.  Turn off all the lights, light candles, and eat pizza.  No t.v., no radio, no phones.  It's amazing that something so minor as pizza-by-candlelight can create such a wonderful time with friends or family.  It's wonderful how something that started horribly could be so awesome.  My heart is so full right now, just from this's hard to describe it.  It's

12/2/2011 9:19:59 PM

If you were here...I'd ask you out for a drink.  Not because I'm a feminist and so heavily into the equality of women that I would say I could "court" you as well as you could court me; instead, I would do it  simply because I wanted to.  There are far too many women who believe that it should completely revolve around them.  That's fine and dandy for them, but look at the whole picture.  Generally speaking, men take us out.  They wine us, dine us, compliment us endlessly...and so much more.  They build up our egos.  They make our heads swell and our pussies drip with whispers of what they would like to do to us later.  They make us fidget with an anticipatory, nervousness-excitement combination.  They go to great lengths to surprise us and create an atmosphere. 


Aren't men entitled to the same?  Some may think that a man's masculinity is in question when a woman takes a man out.  They debate his manhood if she picks him up for a date, pays for his drinks, takes him out to dinner or opens doors for him.  Likewise, they say that a woman is not being a lady if she chooses to do these things for a man.


But c'mon does not hurt to show a man how much we want to please him.  It doesn't hurt to say, "No, Daddy...let me take care of you tonight." 


I'd ask you out for a drink...followed by dinner and dancing.  I'd plan a night of massages and relaxation...a room filled with candlelight and rose petals...a hot bubble bath so I can bathe you slowly and sensually...compliment you...stroke your, ahem, ego...whisper those things that I want to do to you, or have done to me at your hands...


And THEN you can feel free to fuck me like a whore, should it please you.  (Not a bad ending, I'd say.)

11/30/2011 2:27:19 PM

Recently someone asked me how I discovered BDSM. I told them that I used to chat constantly, and was introduced to the concepts of it that way, but that I had always been submissive for as long as I could remember. They said that was nice, but asked how I discovered that I was submissive...that is, what did I like that made me submissive. 


This is the short version of my explanation (that was given to the person asking me): 


"It wasn't what was done to me that made me submissive. It was my nature. It was my desire to constantly please and seek approval. It was my need to be found pleasing in every way possible." 

This is the long version of my explanation: 


I wasn't made a submissive. I wasn't made a slave. I didn't come from some factory where I went in one end and came out of the other end with a totally new mind.

I've always had the desire to please, and to be found pleasing. I've always had the desire to have approval, both by adults and children my own age (and everyone in between, really). I've always been the one that sought to please all parties, to be the sacrificial lamb and peacemaker when my friends argued, and to be the one that entertained without fail (whether that was making the best rice krispie treats, hosting the BEST [water] tea parties, etc.). 


I used to say or do something, and then watch (usually out of the corner of my eyes) to see if my action/statement/question/whatever received a favorable response. If it did, I continued. If it didn't, I usually changed tactics (this changed slightly as I got older and began to discuss more serious topics, although I still toned it down to be as respectful and pleasing as possible). 


Nothing was done to me that made me the way I am. It's how I I I I live. It's a completely innate thing for me--I can't imagine being any other way. I tried it once, and I felt so out of place that I couldn't bear to do it again. I physically felt uncomfortable trying to be something that I wasn't. 


A lot of people will say, "I don't care what anyone thinks about me." That does not apply to me. I actually care a great deal what people think of me. Perhaps they love me because I make them laugh. Perhaps they hate me because I've achieved something they haven't. Perhaps they are afraid of me (all 4'10.5" of me) because they've heard how violent I was at one point in my life (I tried to kill a man, nothing major, lol, but feel free to ask). Perhaps they look up to me because of my outlook on life. Who knows? But I do care. I care about being seen as someone who loves to serve, who has a pure, open heart, and someone who has a genuine desire to please. 


Now, don't get it twisted--this does not make me a mindless, mute doormat. I'm intelligent, and I have thoughts and opinions. Just because I don't voice them all the time does not mean that I don't have them. I'm very meek and humble--that's my natural demeanor--but I am not weak. I'm strong, beautiful, bright and blessed. Naturally, like any human being, I've made some bad decisions. But I'm the type that makes mental notes about those bad decisions, and instead of making a huge scene and stink about it, or causing drama...I suffer in silence, and then refuse to put myself in that situation again. 


The point is this: I am who I am, and I am how I am, because...I There is no major explanation for my personality. I wasn't severely beaten as a child and now I'm just mentally wired to submit. I didn't have some life-changing experience that turned on a light in my head and said, "Oh, I think I'll be submissive now." I don't switch, and I certainly don't dominate. I was born this way (leave Lady Gaga out of this!)...I wouldn't have it any other way...and THAT is what makes me happy. 

11/24/2011 8:13:59 AM

Happy Thanksgiving to one and all! May you have happy hearts, full stomachs, loud laughter and family/friends nearby. If your family isn't close by...then consider yourself a part of my family today.

11/23/2011 7:55:27 PM

When HE is ready to speak, he will.  In the meantime...knowing he's looking...damn, I think I need to change my panties and get my heart rate down.  Excuse me for a moment, please...

11/23/2011 7:29:17 PM

I'd like a Brandy Alexander, please.  I've never had one, but they look unbelievably delicious.  Birthday drink, anyone?

11/23/2011 5:51:24 AM

I want him to see.  I need him to notice.  I crave his compliments. a patient bitch. 


Side note: For those of you that consider me calling myself a bitch an act of degradation...?  Don't you worry your pretty little head about it.  He knows.

11/22/2011 12:12:32 PM
Four orgasms yesterday...two this morning...and now I'm getting my nails done and a pedicure. I told y' birthday celebration goes on all month!! Happy Birthday to me!! Oh, and I still have new lingerie and red fishnets to wear...WOOT!

11/12/2011 10:03:02 PM

Alright!  As pictures are on the way!  This was my birthday gift to myself...yay!

11/12/2011 7:52:38 AM

YAY!!  It's my 20-12nd birthday today!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!  Woot!  Hey, if I don't celebrate my birth and life, who will?  Thanking Creator and Protector for another year, another birthday that I was blessed to see.  WOOT!

11/11/2011 4:34:08 AM

ONE day to go...tomorrow's the BIG 20-12!!  Side note: Happy Veteran's Day to those of you that have served this country. I appreciate what you've done, and I respect who you are.

11/10/2011 5:25:30 AM

Two days to go, and I'm excited!  Side note: I gave myself an awesome 20-12nd gift yesterday.  If you want to know what it is, you'll have to are coming!  Are you just dying with anticipation yet?  : )

11/9/2011 4:54:28 AM

Three days to go...are you saving up?  LOL...I'm just teasing.  I'm stoked, though.  THREE DAYS!  Woooooooooooooooooo hoooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

11/7/2011 12:42:09 PM



I was in the store the other night, and I saw a man shuffling in my direction. He was dirty, hadn't shaved in quite some time, and his clothes were, well, very well-worn. It is not uncommon to have people that go into the store, and ask other people for money (although if they're discovered they'll be escorted from the store), so because he seemed like the type to do that, I shifted my basket to the left, and crossed to the other side of the aisle (with the kiosks separating the two aisles).  


I saw a woman...tall, modelesque, chocolate skin, pretty hair, nice breasts, big ass, and a high-dollar, genuine brand-name purse. The girl had it going on! I watched her for several minutes (I'm not a stalker, just an unpaid and unemployed private investigator), admiring this woman who seemed to have it all. When we passed each other, I smiled and nodded, as I typically tend to do, but she didn't return the smile. I thought, "Bitch." And then...I saw how tired her eyes were. The dark circles. The sadness that was hidden in them was clear. She went to the next aisle, and a very audible sigh was heard. 


Recently I met someone...he is, what most people would consider, thug-like in appearance. Wears a lot of dark colors. Braided hair. Foul-mouthed. Looks like he could just fire one up at any moment. But...when you read his writing...hear him speak...see him are absolutely blown away by how intelligent he is. I don't mean smart. No, he's beyond that. He's oozing with intelligence, charisma, wit, class...and then some. 


There is more to meets-the-eye with the world. It is not black and white. It is not simple. It's a complex, Alice-in-Wonderland-meets-American-Psycho-that-fucks-Ozzie AND Harriet-after-attending-church kind of world. 


What if that man had been a millionaire? I would never have known it, because I assumed that he was a peddler/panhandler. He might have been. But, what if he wasn't? I once read an article about a man that had millions...and chose to live on the street. I read another article about another multimillionaire couple that chose to stay in their small, modest house, simply because their grown kids were out of the house and had houses and families of their own, and didn't see the point in buying a bigger house. 


That woman seemed to have it all: beauty, money, class and freedom. But her eyes were sad and tired. What if she was a prostitute that was trying to get out of the game? What if she was an exotic dancer that was putting herself through school? Dancing at night, class during the day? What if she's got all the money, clothes, shoes and cars that she can handle, but is having the shit beat out of her at home? 


That At first glance, I thought, "Meh, he's cute, but...nahhhhhhh." But after talking to him, I thought, "Wow. This man has his shit together! That's inspiration for me to work on my end of things so that I can be on top of my game, too!" He is a good person, and he is the type that I would be honored to call "friend." But my eyes had the shades drawn (you know, the type the grandparents had...that looked like one big piece of vinyl that you pulled down, repeatedly, because they kept shooting back up...the rolling one). 

You never know who people are...what they're going through...what they've been intelligent they funny they can kind and caring they are... 


Until you open your mouth...your ears...AND your mind. Decepticons are on the move... 



11/7/2011 12:37:01 PM

Five days to go...and though I've had some recent hurts and disappointments, I'm looking forward to the 20-12 present that I'm giving myself this week!  WOOT!

11/6/2011 8:29:39 PM

Six days left (although it's closer to five)!  WOOT!

11/5/2011 1:22:10 PM

Seven days to go!  (Side note: Doing double shifts today, with little sleep.  I could go for a massage right about now...)

11/4/2011 4:45:51 AM

Eight days until 20-12 day!  YAY!  Side note:  Why do people keep asking to see pictures of my feet?  Yes, they're small.  In adult shoes I wear a 5.5, and in children's shoes I wear a 3-3.5.  They're just feet...and they're small.  Little feet, little toes.  LOL...that's all.  Nothing picture-worthy.

11/3/2011 5:15:22 PM

Nine days...and loving it!

11/2/2011 11:25:57 AM

I'm off to go running.  This body won't mold itself!

11/2/2011 8:26:30 AM

Ten days...until 20-12.  If you don't understand what I mean, ask me.  : )

11/1/2011 4:35:42 AM

Eleven days... 


Side note:  It's like a homework scavenger hunt...I love it!  Patience, training, bitches, detail... 


Additional side note: Most of you won't have a damn clue as to what I'm talking about.  But HE knows. 


Extra additional side note:  I totally owned this girl in a foot race last night, and I haven't run in YEARS!  Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah, baby...onyx is on the move.  Feeling motivated...ready to get back to running!

10/28/2011 5:37:17 AM

Okay, was anybody else watching that game last night?!?  WOW!  Yes, perhaps I'm slightly biased because I'm from Texas, but...Game 7...OMG, here we go...  You know, I think I was actually sweating last night while watching the game...

10/24/2011 5:05:58 AM

Come and dance with me...and sing this to me: ... And in turn, I'll sing this to you:


Dance with me.

10/21/2011 2:45:02 PM

I love it when he notices. 


Okay, new entry:  I Dreamt of Dominance. 


No, seriously, I did. 


The other night I had a dream (it was like watching a movie...and being in the movie at the same time) that I was with a female friend (a sister?), and we were on our way to a Dominant's house. I was on program to sing at some type of charity event, and it was a formal affair. I wore a strapless, burgundy gown, accented with onyx beads from the bodice to the hem and a sweetheart neckline to accentuate my breasts. 


When we arrive at the townhouse of the Dominant, his behavior was unsettling. My friend went off to do her hair, leaving me with the Dominant. He seemed if he was uncomfortable with us around. He had put on a huge bravado of dominance and control for so long, but it had broken into pieces. He was, now, what I decided to be a Dominot. He introduced me to a guest Dominant that was there, and informed his guest of my upcoming performance. 


The Dominant was sitting down in a chair, and when I approached him to say hello, he asked the Dominot about me as he took my hand to shake it. He spoke to the Dominot, but kept his eyes on me as he spoke. 


"She is a submissive, yes?" 
"Oh, y-y-yes...she is a submissive." 
"Then she should be kneeling." 

He pulled downward on my hand and despite the unbelievably expensive gown I had on, I knelt. There was something in his eyes...there was something in his voice...there was something in his very presence. His existence alone demanded attention and reverence, respect and compliance. I knelt on the floor in front of him, but my position still didn't feel right. I scooted backward and lowered myself even more, bowing before the Dominant who sat in the chair before me. I stretched out my arms in front of me, placed my palms flat against the floor, and spread my fingers widely. 


The Dominot became even more nervous as the Dominant sat silently, watching me. I held my breath until he spoke. 


"She is not just submissive." 

The Dominot spoke. 


"She isn't, my Lord?" 

His role had gone from Dominot to submissive/servant in a matter of minutes. 


"No. This more than submissive. Her personality is submissive. Her heart is slave. And her point is..." 

He placed a finger on the back of my neck, directly at the center of the nape of my neck, and applied pressure, pushing an invisible button on my bare skin. 



I shivered, and my body began to shake slightly. The more pressure he applied, the more I trembled. 

And then...I awoke. The strange thing is, I was sweating...I was panting...I was trembling...and I felt soreness at the nape of my neck, where the Dominant in my dreams had been pressing.

10/21/2011 6:15:34 AM

Don't worry, the girls are still there...just not as my primary profile picture.  I actually DO have more to me than breasts.  There's a HUGE heart behind them.  I have more than beautiful eyes and adorable tiny ears.  I have a brain between them.


Sadly, not too many can capture the attention of both.  Oh, but when they do...they know it, and so do I...and I love it when that happens.  It doesn't mean we'll  get together and have a happily ever after fairytale relationship, because I don't believe in those for myself anymore; however, what it does mean is that in a perfect world, there would no limit on how far we would go together.  It means that if things were different...well, you know the rest.  C'mon now. 

10/15/2011 2:17:34 PM

Meatloaf, homemade mashed potatoes, green beans n' bacon, sweet butter corn, Italian bread, and double-chocolate-chip cookies with ice cream for dessert.  I guess I'd better get started on dinner!

10/14/2011 1:30:41 PM

Okay, I couldn't go one more minute without posting this.  I got an email from someone who said (and I quote), "You are a very beautiful slave and would love to chat with you and get to know you."  I responded, "Thank you very much, I appreciate the compliment.  If you'd like to get to know me I'd recommend my journal entries first, as they hold a great deal of information about me (if you haven't already read them).  It's a great insight as to how I am as a slave, and what my personality is like."  He responded, "I have read and would love to get to know you, I think you would make a wonderful slave and at this time I'm looking for just that.  I'm a carrying master and also a loving one as well.  Been doing this for over 12 years and looking for one that will be loyal."  I responded, "I appreciate and am flattered by the fact that you think highly of me.  Right now, though, I'm not looking to be owned.  But I am honored that you would even consider me."  And GUESS WHAT the response was!!  He responded, "Then you need to change your profile fake ass."  


Okay, now what have we learned?  1) He can't--or doesn't--read.  I've clearly put (as the first paragraph of my profile, no less), that I am unowned and unclaimed, and am presently content to be so.  It also says that I am not looking for anything other than friendship.  So...hhhmmm...does that, in ANY way, seem like I'm looking for a partner?  I'd say "No" if I had to guess.  Wait a minute--I DON'T HAVE TO GUESS!  Why?  BECAUSE I WROTE THE DAMN THING MYSELF!  Alright...what else have we learned? 2) He's somewhat unstable...going from hot to cold in a matter of minutes.  First, I'm a lovely slave and I'm what he's looking for.  And then, when I repeat what I said in my profile, I'm a fake ass.  Puts me in the mind frame of Katy Perry's "Hot N Cold" song, particularly where she says, "...yeah you PMS like a bitch...I would know..."   


Don't get it twisted--I'm not angry.  I'm not offended.  My lil 'ole feelings aren't hurt.  But conversations like this remind me why I am the way that I am.  Conversations like this remind me of why I put that exact information at the very top so that it's the first thing that people see.  I make it very plain what I'm looking for, and what I'm not.  I make it clear that I have certain obligations (e.g., wife, mother, etc.).  As I just told someone...I am unowned because I choose to be so.   


Chew on that for a while.   


Now, those that know me understand my personality.  They know that I am eager to please, and I enjoy it thoroughly.  They know that I have a love for service and being pleasing to Alpha Dominants.  And for those others that don't and pull stunts like this?  Miss me with that.  I have better things to do with my time.   


Have an AWESOMETASTIC day, everybody! 

You are a very beautiful slave and would love to chat with you and get to know you

10/12/2011 8:13:10 PM

I wonder what would happen if I hid my profile...

10/7/2011 5:24:48 PM

~sigh~  I think I want a drink...

10/3/2011 4:08:45 PM's Breast Cancer Awareness Month...dare I post the girls for support? Hhhmmm...

9/14/2011 1:50:50 PM

I'm eating candy corn in a tank top and panties...and doing a ton of writing.  I'm loving it!

9/14/2011 6:34:03 AM

Ugh...I didn't fall, damn it!  I investigated the lightning speed.

9/9/2011 4:32:00 AM

Dominant News Flash:  Doms: Your dominance should be more than your penis.  Dommes:  Your dominance should be more than your pussy.  If that's all you have to offer...then I pity you.  That is all.

9/6/2011 10:31:30 PM

Sometimes I wonder what it is that I have done...or haven't make him appear...and speak to me, although he watches me from a distance.  He knows I'm present.  He knows I'm waiting with bated breath.  He knows of my ache.  He knows of my need.  He knows of my desire.  He knows...ME.  Come to me, shadow of upon my skin and kiss me with the sting of a thousand thorns.

8/31/2011 5:12:16 PM

Yay, new pictures are up!  I gotta admit...there are days when I'm walking past a mirror and I say to myself, "Damn, look GOOD!"

8/26/2011 1:31:37 PM

I didn't fall...I attacked the floor.

8/23/2011 4:58:30 PM

I don't believe in fairy tales anymore.

7/25/2011 12:31:46 PM

He watches me from afar...and my heart races every time I know he's there...even if he does not speak. 

7/7/2011 5:10:15 AM

I'm not a really mushy, I'm feeling this:

6/25/2011 1:15:12 PM

Okay, so apparently I'm not a slave because I won't fuck a dog.  I received an email from a male dominant, which read, "How do you feel about ?" To which I replied, "I think c-a-n-i-n-e-s [this content filter is a trip, seriously] are very sharp teeth...or another word for dogs...I think police dogs are awesome.  I think dogs make great pets.  I surely hope that's all you meant...because I don't fuck dogs."  The reply that came back to me read thus: "And you call yourself a slave?" 


Damn...lost another keeper, didn't I? 


Oh, I should mention that he blocked me after that. 

5/28/2011 10:15:12 PM

Yes, changes have been made.

5/24/2011 8:38:17 PM

His voice is deep.  So, so deep.  It's abyssal.  It's unfathomable.  It's terrifying.  It's arousing.  It's comforting.  It's dangerous.  His whispers are the winds, stirring up the sands of the desert, making the waters flow in my oasis.  He is the phantom in my nightmares and the hero of my comics. Yes...his voice is deep.  It penetrates my ears...but it also penetrates my mind.  One is more powerful than the other.  Can you tell which one?

5/11/2011 3:25:18 PM

This just in: littleonyx doesn't give a damn about your dick, because there's more to dominance besides having one.  That is all.  We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

5/4/2011 4:50:06 PM

Wow, what a night...i was rather drunk last night...and had to go to work this morning.  Yeah, not the brightest idea, now was it?  Anyway, i'm all better now...eating and everything.  Yay!

5/3/2011 8:24:43 PM

Can't believe i'm putting this in my journal, this very moment...i'm getting drunk off my ass!

4/27/2011 1:45:21 PM

FYI: There's more to dominance than your dick.  That is all.

4/25/2011 10:27:47 AM
i just ate a pint of ice cream in under ten minutes. Two things will happen: 1) i will pay for this later via my tummy, and 2) i'll be consuming water for the remainder of the day.

4/22/2011 10:41:39 PM

Yay!  New pictures are up!

4/18/2011 7:10:36 AM
i see you seeing me...

4/16/2011 7:28:43 PM
Who are you? Do you know?

4/15/2011 4:52:48 AM

Sigh no more ladies, sigh no more

Men were deceivers ever

One foot in sea, and one on shore

To one thing constant never

Then sigh not so, but let them go

And be you blithe and bonny,

Converting all your sounds of woe

Into hey, nonny, nonny!

4/12/2011 6:30:14 PM

i cut my own yard today for the first time.  Ever.  And my yard isn't exactly small, either.  But i did it because i was tired of waiting for it to be done.  i don't feel that it was something that i should've had to do, as someone said they were going to do it (more than once).  i didn't want to do it, as i HATE doing yard work and gardening.  i didn't think i could do it, as i've never done it before and didn't know how it would come out.  But i stuck it out.  i did it, completely on my own.  And you know what?  i'm damn proud of myself!  i worked hard on it, and while it's not perfect, it looks great.  Just a reminder...that i can do anything that i set my mind to, and work hard at.  Even if i don't think i should do it.  Even if i don't want to do it.  Even if i'm afraid to do it.  i CAN do it.


For some, cutting the yard is minor.  But for me, today, it was a hurdle.  And i flew over it.

4/11/2011 8:51:07 AM
See me for who i am. Love me for my personality. Want me for my sensuality. Crave me for my sexuality. Desire me for my service. Accept me in my circumstances.

4/10/2011 8:34:45 PM

i miss your evil laugh.

3/29/2011 7:04:11 AM
Teach me to dance...please.

3/17/2011 4:07:50 AM

So it's St. Patrick's day...and i'm supposed to wear something green? Hhhhmmm...well, my work uniform is black, so that's out. Socks and shoes are out, and no bras with green in them. i guess that leaves panties and thongs!

3/12/2011 4:05:18 PM

Yeah, guess who got those new shoes?!?  You got it...ME!  Yes, i proudly admit to being a shoe whore...shoe slut...and proud member of Shoe Whores Anonymous.  Wait--i'm not so anonymous anymore, am i?  Anyway, i wound up getting two pairs of heels.  The first pair are black satin peep-toes, with a pleated design on either side of the toes.  It has a four-inch heel, with a half-an-inch platform.  The second pair are champagne satin peep-toe slingbacks, with a four-inch heel and a half-an-inch platform.  Perhaps He'll let me post pictures of them soon...gotta take 'em first!  Please stand by...

3/10/2011 8:12:30 PM

i'm not in a good mood.  i need that new pair of shoes...perhaps i'll take a look tomorrow.  Heels are the only things that could help me right now...a little shopping therapy.  Well, maybe not.  A coma-inducing number of orgasms would help, too.

3/3/2011 8:52:08 PM

i think it's time to buy new heels.  Around four inches or so, maybe four and a half with a nice platform on the sole.  Red.  Maybe black.  Both, perhaps.'s time for new shoes...

2/25/2011 3:30:51 PM

Accents are HELLA sexy.  Deep voices...accents...mmmmmm...


Okay, i'm done zoning out.  Back to your regularly scheduled pervificationatoryness (like that, don't you?)...

2/18/2011 6:38:59 AM

Mmmm...that's one down. Great way to start the morning! But those poor, poor sheets...

2/9/2011 6:03:29 PM

"Hello, I am Gru...back to work...back to work!"

2/5/2011 7:10:26 PM

Oooooooooooooooooookay, so apparently i have a stalker.  One of those wanna-be cyber bullies.  But it's nothing i can't handle.  What i choose to do, i do it for myself...and not because i'm afraid of them, whoever they are.  And a message to my stalker: GROW UP.  i have better things to do than to delete fifty million emails telling me how you're going to get me because you're into witchcraft, or how false i am, or how my pictures are not my own, or how you're watching me...blah, blah, blah.  GROW UP.  Put on your big boy (or girl) panties and deal with it.  i wasn't interested.  C'mon gotta get over that.  Creating a million profiles won't make me interested.  Insert eye roll <HERE>.

1/25/2011 6:53:11 AM
Are we BORN as D-types or s-types? Or does it become "nature vs. nurture" in determining where we fall inside of D/s? i work at a gym, and they constantly play a song with these lyrics in the chorus: "We weren't born to follow Come on and get up off your knees..." If i posted the rest of the lyrics, someone would certainly say that i was taking the song out of context; which, if you're taking into account the entire song, then i am. But my thoughts centered around those first two lines. i had a conversation with my owner, and i was mentioning a job as a personal assistant (think "Two Weeks' Notice" or "27 Dresses"), which i felt would be ideal for me. He asked me why i'd like to have that kind of job, and i replied, "It suits my personality." Naturally, He asked me why. This was a part of my answer: "It is, in a way, submissive. My job is to do what I'm told, with a narrow-to-moderate means of making my own decisions for what I'm doing. No, it doesn't mean I'm a doormat or stupid--I'm capable of making decisions on my own when the situation calls for it. But my general duties are whatever I'm told they are. If they want me to type, I type. If they want me to file, I file. If they want me to entertain a client while they're working on a file or whatever, or want me to investigate something, I do it. If I'm doing all of the be it." i thought about it, and added another part to my answer. i said the following: "I'm an intelligent woman. I'm a great employee. I'm a slave. Having this kind of a position combines those things for me. It incorporates things that I like to do (typing, computers, social interaction with all kinds of people, looking good and dressing "up" in heels and pantyhose, etc.), and things that I'm good--no, great--at doing. It makes me feel like I'm of use to someone, while serving them. It's a wonderful mix of the lifestyle and vanilla for me. It suits my personality." i'll add this little tidbit in there, as well: i believe that there are Alpha and Beta personalities. i believe that this can go for D-types as well as s-types. Not that one's better than the other, but, this really isn't about their D-or-s-type position. This is about their personality, their day-to-day life. Maybe in the business world, or at the store. Maybe as a coach to a Little League team, or in their neighborhood. With that having been said, i believe that i have a Beta personality. Yes, i identify as slave. But it's not just a part of the D/s world. It's a way of thinking. Yes, there are certain responsibilities that i have in which i must take charge--as a mother, as a lead in my place of employment, as a teacher of young children, and other positions that i hold. But besides those, and at my choice, i would prefer to follow, rather than to lead. i generally don't care for positions that put me in leadership roles, unless it's absolutely necessary. At work i was always in key positions that allowed me to be available: in heel position, directly in front (or slightly to the side to avoid distraction in case i need to move), or at the very back so that i can see everything and move, should a situation need to be handled for the presenter. i am, simply, ready for use. It is who i am. It is what i do. It is how i live. It is how i behave. It is how i interact. It is how i think. It is what makes me happy. Even when i have been around other submissives and slaves, i am the quiet one. i follow them, the silent mouse. Born to follow. Which brings this back to thought: Are we BORN as D-types or s-types? Or does it become "nature vs. nurture" in determining where we fall inside of D/s? Personally, i feel that i was born to be this way. i've tried changing it...i didn't feel comfortable. i didn't like it.

1/22/2011 7:42:48 PM

Scorpio love, baby.  Scorpio love.  Nothing like it...intense, possessive, powerful, emotional, magnetic, hot, sexy, passionate, insatiable.  Scorpio love...nothing like it.  There's nothing like the chemistry between Scorpios...or the love of a Scorpion.  Love the sting.

1/18/2011 6:39:11 AM
Argh...i'm so tired... i just want to curl up in front of the fire at his feet, naked and chained...his hand stroking my head affectionately, gentle fingertips in my hair. Content. Warm. Protected. Serene. Owned. Possessed. Cherished. Loved.

1/10/2011 6:36:15 AM
Kiss me...please. Touch me...please. Hurt me...pretty please.

1/8/2011 6:30:48 AM

Hey, you.  No, not you.  Nope, not you, either.  You.  The one standing in the shadows.  The one watching me from a distance.  Yes, you.  i dream about you being there when i open my eyes...still inside of me from the night before...the thunderstorm that pulls us closer together...the rain, the lightning, the thunder...the passion...the need.  Try as i might, i'm unable to delete you from memory...your number from my phone, your email from my contacts list, your voice from my head.  Why do you torture me so?

1/6/2011 6:33:00 AM
Wake up with me. Kiss me softly, should it please you to do so, before you yank me beneath you. Ravage me. Make me cry. Redden my skin. Do all that you long as you love me in the process.

1/1/2011 7:06:48 PM
You see me without seeing me. You love me without knowing who i am. i love you without the capabilities to express why i love you. We fit together without having embraced. We speak volumes without saying a word. We, simply, are. Happy Birthday. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year.

12/31/2010 10:35:15 PM
Happy New Year! Be blessed...

12/27/2010 9:36:26 PM

It's funny to me when i see a bunch of cock shots on a man's profile...and i can easily point out that there are at least two or three different dicks in the collection.  C'mon, guys...really?  At least make sure your BELLY BUTTON is the same!  How in the world do you have an outie in one cock shot, and an innie in the other?  Or how do you have a completely chiseled six-pack--slathered in baby oil, no less--and a twenty-four-pack in the other (with different skin tones)?  Please don't tell me it's the'd be insulting my intelligence.  And i've already said it in a previous journal entry:  i'm an intelligent bitch; ergo, let's save ourselves some time, mmmmmmmk?  i love a good laugh...and damn it, i can laugh at myself, so i can laugh at you, too!


By the many times CAN i see the very same cock shot on multiple profiles?  Are people ashamed of what they're working with in the land down under?  What's the purpose of stealing pictures?  ~shrugs~ 

12/27/2010 6:53:27 PM

i only have one thing to say right now:  Ne-Yo...One in a Million.

12/25/2010 1:15:07 PM
Wishing you all a very Merry (and naughty) Christmas!!

12/22/2010 6:33:00 AM
i want to be one in a million.  And i don't mean Larry Graham style...i mean Ne-Yo style.  One in a million.  Damn, i feel poetry coming on.

12/9/2010 4:59:05 AM
They say, "That which does not kill you makes you stronger."  Well, what if it IS killing you?  Slowly...painfully...internally...then what?

12/4/2010 7:27:55 PM
Ooooooooh, i love it when my juices flow, and it comes and comes.  i love it when i ride, the thoughts coming to my mind even as i work it.  i love doing my thing.  i love exhaling slowly once i've achieved what i've sought to achieve; when i've reached my peak, when i've met my goal.  Ooooooooooh, how i love it!

i'm telling you...i LOVE it when i'm writing stories.

Wait--what'd you expect?  Creative juices?  Ride the plot?  Working the keyboard? Exhaling when i've finished a chapter?  The peak of finishing a major scene?  C'mon now...what were YOU thinking of?

12/3/2010 4:04:18 PM
Mmmm...i'm making chicken pot pie.  Yum!  Anybody want dinner?

11/27/2010 5:56:14 AM

i made an entry on 11/22/10.  i went back and read it this morning...and i like what i wrote.  i mean, i really like what i wrote.  So much that i feel it bears repetition: 

He is that Knight, that King, that Crusader.  He is that artist that speaks with his hands.  His eyes tell me stories, better than Scheherazade's, deeper than the history books.  His lips draw my attention, demanding to be kissed, to be touched, to be offered the most intimate of places. Even his eyebrows raise with natural dominance; so much that it oozes from his very pores.  He, simply, IS.

i don't repeat my journal entries.  But this would've been a waste of a precious, beautiful thought if i didn't repeat it just this once.  And who knows?  Someday i may repeat it again...

11/25/2010 9:29:55 AM

Happy Thanksgiving!  Happy Turkey Day!  Happy Tofu-rkey Time!  Hey, whatever floats your boat...let it be a happy one!  ~smooches~

11/24/2010 6:32:07 AM
Seriously? Who brings a child to the gym at 8am on the day before Thanksgiving?!? ~ sigh~ This is going to be a long day...

11/22/2010 9:22:12 PM

He is that Knight, that King, that Crusader.  He is that artist that speaks with his hands.  His eyes tell me stories, better than Scheherazade's, deeper than the history books.  His lips draw my attention, demanding to be kissed, to be touched, to be offered the most intimate of places. Even his eyebrows raise with natural dominance; so much that it oozes from his very pores.  He, simply, IS.

11/12/2010 6:47:27 AM

Good morning, CM!  Well, today is my birthday...i'm a whopping twenty-eleven years old!  For you that aren't following...that's 31.  Wow...31...where the heck did the time go?  i remember the days when i was young(er)...innocent(ish)...still a virgin (technically)...ah, those were the days. 

10/28/2010 8:41:04 PM

WOW...okay, there was no way i could pass this one up--i simply HAD to post it.  This actually made me laugh!  The conversation went as follows:


me: "Well, thank you very much."

Him: "wow u responded back, well what are my chances it would be a dream to chatt with u my cell is (___)___-____ and my yahoo messenger is _______________ i have a cam too, cant wait to hear from u...____________ (insert name)"

me: "Of course I responded.  I always go (NOTE: That should've been DO, not GO...thanks, iPhone, lol). You're very kind, thank you, but I am already an owned slave."

Him: "see i knew it black ass njgger hoe"

WOW...WTF?!?  i actually laughed!  i mean, like, i LOL'd for real!  Seriously?  So, just to make sure i have the right person, i viewed his profile before sending that email--i'd hate to send it to the wrong person. So i check...and...BAM!  Yup, it's the right person...a black man...calling a black woman...a "black ass njgger hoe."  Gotta love that content filter, right?

me: "Um...the last time I checked, you were black, too. So not only are you attempting to degrade me, but you're making an ass out of yourself as well. Read profiles BEFORE you contact someone--it might save you from looking stupid later. I don't have time for ignorant people. Why don't you go play in traffic blindfolded? Save us some tax money. I'm done."

 Anyway, i see on his profile that he's started complaining about people that are already taken but flirt with others.  Wait just a cotton pickin' minute--i was flirting?  Oh, yeah...i said "Thank you" a couple of times...well, i'll be damned...i WAS flirting after all! LOL!  i actually had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.

So...does this mean that because the name of the site is called "Collar Me" that we're not allowed to be on the site anymore if we're owned, in service to someone or collared?  Hhhmmm...that's an interesting concept.  i can see it now: "We're sorry, the profile you have reached has been disconnected or is no longer in service.  Actually, they ARE in service, which is why the profile has been taken down.  If you feel you have reached this message in error, please dial your operator.  Message 012."  This is just too funny...i gotta stop thinking about it or this drink will fly out of my nose.  Ahhhhhh, i love a good laugh before bed.

10/8/2010 10:49:39 AM
i want to be your yellow sun...and your kryptonite.

9/25/2010 11:45:46 AM
i might be a bitch. i might be a short bitch. i might be an ugly bitch. i might be a funny bitch. i might be a thick bitch. But let me tell you something: i am an intelligent bitch. By nature, as well as nurture, i am a submissive woman. It's in my personality. It's in my blood. And i happily admit that. But let's not get it twisted. Submission does not equate stupidity. They say that ignorance is bliss. Well, this isn't always the case. Ignorance isn't bliss when it comes to strangers making racist comments and calling me derogatory names. Are my feelings hurt? Nope, not at all. But let me say this: coming to me in such a way is a waste of your time AND mine, as i choose not to engage in that kind of conversation. So as an intelligent bitch, if you come to me with this kind of stuff...? Prepare to be educated. Okay, i'm good. Rant over.

9/22/2010 7:46:14 AM
"Open up to me," he whispered, "and give me what is mine." i opened my legs, and he pushed further into me, and whispered his command to me again: "Open. Give yourself to me." And while i knew that he was inside of me, i knew that he meant he wanted to claim to much more than my sex. And so...i opened myself to him...and surrendered.

9/19/2010 8:23:16 PM
He pulled my hair with one hand and the chain around my neck with the other.  "What do you need from Daddy?" he asked me as he connected our bodies again and again from behind, each thrust pushing me harder and harder against the picnic table.  i shook my head, unable to think of anything beside what was happening. "Just you," i managed to get out between my moans.  "You have me," he whispered into my ear, yanking harder on the chain.  And that was all i needed.  Him, and no one else.

9/1/2010 4:45:55 AM
Patience, i strive to have.  Patient, i strive to be.  Sometimes it takes a moment of "Take your hands off...back up...shut up...and wait."

8/31/2010 1:03:21 PM
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change; the courage to change the things i can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

8/31/2010 12:45:53 PM
So i'm browsing through the site, checking emails, seeing who's been looking at me, and who's online, right?  And a profile comes up that catches my attention.  At the very top, in big, bold, capitalized letters reads the following:  "NO BLACK FEMALES!!  NOT INTERESTED!!"  Whoa.  Really?  So i get to thinking.  Is there something wrong with us?  With me?  Now, people will have their preferences.  They're entitled to it.  But to have something like that at the top of the profile really makes me wonder how black women are seen when it comes to this way of life.  Do people think that we--as black women--cause more trouble?  Are more dramatic?  Aren't kinky enough?  Are too kinky?  Are gold diggers?  Have too many limits?  Don't have enough limits?  Smell funny?  Eat too much?  Eat too little?  Have hips that are too big?  Have lips that are too big?  i mean, i could go on and on.  What IS it that's so wrong with us?  That's something that i can't figure out.  Did we do something wrong?  Did one woman mess it up for the rest of us?


Granted, people have their preferences.  But the profile that i saw wasn't a preference.  i've seen people that put something like, "Looking for someone that's Caucasian" in their profile.  Hhhmmm...okay, i get that.  That still leaves a lot left--and it's more of a specified (albeit very narrow) choice.  Then there's one that say something like, "Looking for a girl that's Hispanic or Asian."  Okay, well, that still leaves quite a few left.  But the ones that really puzzle me are the ones that say something like, "Looking for a Caucasian, Asian, Hispanic, Hawaiian or Bi-racial of any of the above."  Wait, huh?  So you'll go across the world and over the rainbow to have anything but a black woman?  Damn.  Ouch.  Was it my breath?


i've seen profiles where interracial couples get hate messages about their choice.  i'm not one of those people to ever send something like that.  More often than not, i see it with profiles that have black men/white women couples, as opposed to white men/black women couples...and i've never seen it on any other types of interracial couples.  Interesting.  Moving right along.  So if you have a preference, then have a preference.  But if you're so unwilling to even talk to, or look at a person just because of their skin, then i'd say you have more than just a preference.  Think about that.


One more thing.  i love my chocolate skin.  i love the way the light bounces off my skin.  i love the way colors intensify my deep brown eyes, and my full mouth, and my dark hair.  i love the way that sweat looks when it's beaded against my breasts.  i love the way lotions and oils give my body an unbelievable glow.  i love the way my skin turns into a gorgeous mahogany color after a solid hit.  i even love the soft purple color when i'm bruised.  And if you can't love that about me...?  Then YOU can kiss MY gently-shaped, beautifully-sun-kissed, chocolate-brown ASS.  And i say that with all the respect due to you.


Oh, and in case anybody was wondering (because i know that at least one person was)...?  The profile belonged to a black man.

8/30/2010 6:42:43 PM
Wow...Florida was AWESOME!  i hung out with friends, discovered that a friend and fellow poet was a Dominant, went to the beach, and spit some MAD poetry Saturday night!  Whoa...the energy that was in that place was amazing.  It was my first time doing an open mic event, and i got nothing but love from the people that attended.  And i had to go first!!  But i had a great time...looking forward to doing it again!

8/27/2010 2:54:40 PM
i'm here, Florida! i'm here! i'm ready for poetry and friends. Look out, Titusville...OneVoiceOneMic is bout to roll! Woot! If you can't tell...i'm excited.

8/26/2010 8:15:37 PM
Woooooooooo hoooooooooooo!  Florida, i'll see you tomorrow afternoon!  Poetry, spoken word, good people and good food.  Wooooooooooooooo hoooooooooooooooo!!!!

8/26/2010 11:54:52 AM
Sometimes, when i read profiles or look at pictures, all i can say is "Wow."  And, uh, it's not necessarily the good kind of "wow" either.

8/25/2010 5:11:44 AM
Love my chocolate skin for all that it is.  See the natural beauty that shines, and the sensuality that radiates from it's existence.   Appreciate the light bounces off of it.  Mahogany.  Sweetness.  Tenderness.  i'm saddened to think that, were my skin lighter, more like me would actually want me.  There is treasure in chocolate.     

8/24/2010 10:09:32 PM
Why do i strive to do what it is that i do?  It is because what is inside of me is completely innate.  It is, simply, who i am.  It is, simply. what i am.  i couldn't change it if i tried.  i relish in my personality and the submissive nature that is bonded eternally with it.  No, it just simply must be the way it is.  my nature won't change.  Why should it?  It is, in its most natural and naked form, me.

8/20/2010 5:21:11 PM
i need Him to hold me with the gentle caress of His fingertips.  i need Him to yank on the chain that holds me in my place at His feet.  i need Him to make me laugh so hard that i cry.  i need Him to make me cry so hard that i sleep peacefully.  i need Him to converse with me.  i need Him to give me The Look that means if i say another word i'll be in serious trouble.  i need Him to allow me to take care of business when i have to.  i need Him to rule my business when it suits Him.  i need Him to...just be Him.

8/20/2010 8:07:00 AM
You know, your profile would be a lot more interesting if you didn't have one face picture and thirteen cock shots.  i'm just sayin'...

8/13/2010 7:34:22 PM
i am appreciative of those who appreciate me.  Redundant? Perhaps, to some.  True?  You betcha.  When someone appreciates me--my true submissive nature, my bravery, my strength, my obligations, my commitment, my service, my poetry, my work, my personality, my strange sense of humor, my laugh, my smile, my talent for picking things up with my toes so i don't have to bend over--those are the ones that get the best out of me, because i strive to please them more.  Are YOU appreciative of the people and things in your life?

8/13/2010 4:44:55 PM
Florida, here i come!  Well, in two weeks...i'm excited, excited, excited, excited, excited, EXCITED!  And even a little excited.  A weekend of poetry and friends.  WOOT!

8/8/2010 8:37:33 PM
If i don't love me enough to take care of me, then who will?  It starts with me.  i've got to be healthy mentally, emotionally, and physically...or i'm of no use to the rest of the world.

8/7/2010 2:27:08 PM
Sometimes i absolutely HATE having tiny feet.  It makes shoe shopping so hard...damn, damn, double damn!

8/5/2010 3:44:12 PM
i am grateful for the ones that listen...and let me babble and ramble, even when i don't always make perfect sense and ask questions that only i can truly answer.

7/31/2010 4:27:37 PM
"Get on your knees Nasty Slut whore beg to suck this cock.  I am a handsome intelligent male born dominant looking for generous sub female that Knows how to treat Big Daddy!"



7/31/2010 1:07:13 PM
Either lead, follow, or get out of the way.

7/29/2010 10:38:11 PM
People can be so interesting.  i want to study them.  People are fascinating to me, they really are.  Truly, completely, totally and utterly fascinating.  What they say, what they do, what they wear, how they smell...and the "why" questions go right along with all of those, too.  i wonder why people treat others the way they do.  Why they ignore those that are trying to be sincere and open with them.  Why they shut others out. Why they have such an infectious, beautiful laugh.  Why they walk a particular way.  Why they feel that they exist.


i wish i was a fly on the wall, just so i could watch them...then again, flies don't exactly have an abundance of living time, so let's scratch the fly idea.  How about an invisible person that goes everywhere?  Well, hhhmmm...invisible people can still be felt and run over by cars and such...just not be seen.  So no, that's not gonna work.  i could be a mist, or vapor of some sort--intangible, and able to go anywhere--and then they'll never know.  But what if somebody farts?  That'll just get sucked up into my existence, and then i'll be smelling like hard-boiled eggs and beans all day!  Nope, can't have that.  What about... know what?  Nevermind.


Damn.  How about you just answer questions that i ask you, and i'll answer questions that you ask me? 

7/26/2010 9:07:58 PM
Oh, and...i love a man that smiles (and has a beautiful one to boot)!

7/23/2010 1:09:34 PM
i have to say...i love a man that knows how to BE a man.  i love a man that knows who he is and what he wants.  i love a man that knows how to dominate with a glance.  i love a man that knows how to silence with the raise of his eyebrow.  i love a man that smiles and laughs with sincerity.  i love a man that is capable of loving back.  i love a man that cares.  i love a man that talks. i love a man that lives.  i love a man that has such a walk that you can see the dominance radiating from his body.  i love a man that dresses and smells like he owns the world.  To those men...i love you.

7/12/2010 5:03:17 AM
Make the nightmares go away...

6/27/2010 9:34:24 PM
Sometimes i question my existence.  i question what kind of joy i have brought to others, what consolation i have brought to those in need of it, what love i have given to those that deserved it...and so forth and so on.  i wonder if i have made the difference in another person's life.  i wonder if my life is, simply, purposeful.

Sometimes i see it, sometimes i don't.

6/8/2010 7:36:22 PM
Thank you SO MUCH to those that have checked on me.  Going through some things, but i'm okay.  Well, i will be.  i'll be on when i can...but i truly appreciate the thoughts and concern.

5/19/2010 7:10:13 AM
i lay in my bed last night, unable to go to sleep.  i turned from one side to the other, from my back to my stomach, but was still unable to sleep.  i kicked off the covers, exposing my chocolate brown, completely nude flesh, and looked up at the ceiling.  That's when i saw him.  His shadow stood over me, watching me...protecting me.  He did not speak.  He stood straight, his arm bulging slightly from his side due to the muscle beneath.  i rolled onto my side, waiting for him to come to me.  He did not.  i shifted onto my back and offered my bare breast to him, my ebony nipple hardening, pointing the way.  He did not accept my offering.  my thighs fell apart, enjoying the cool shift of air from the ceiling fan, but he did not rush to fill the space between them.  He watched me, though i could not see his eyes.  i begged him silently to come to me, to take me, to claim me.  He did not.  i felt invisible chains holding me to my bed, unable to separate myself from the softness, and yet, i had the freedom to move on the bed as i wished.  But what i wanted, simply, was him.  He would not grant my request.  He stood there, his shadow looming over me protectively, never moving.  i finally drifted off to sleep, his shadow still encasing my naked body.  When i awoke, he shadow was no longer there...but i'd slept peacefully.  He did take me, though it was my mind that he claimed.  He didn't have to touch me.  His existence was enough.  The gray light of the dawn swept through the room, erasing any evidence of his presence.  And clit tingled with the knowledge that he would be back.

5/18/2010 9:20:56 PM
Hhhmmm...i'd like to know something.  Is it REALLY that difficult for people to be completely open to one another?  Is it such a problem to completely open yourself up to another person?  i'd say i'm a pretty open book--i don't mind talking about myself.  Don't get that confused with narcissism, please.  But i don't mind answering questions about myself.  But why is it so hard for others to be just as open?  Perhaps it's my fault...perhaps i'm TOO friendly...TOO open...TOO trusting...TOO talkative.  i think of shutting down sometimes.  That is, retreating into myself.  Using my thoughts, experiences and emotions as a reason not to share information about myself.  When i see myself as being a certain way, i find that i'm hoping for that same thing in someone else.  But that isn't the case with most people.  They're not going to be as open as i am.  And, because of that, i find that my feelings get hurt easily...which isn't their fault, it's mine. withdrawal the only way to fix that?

5/18/2010 7:18:48 PM
~sigh~  i hate job hunting.  i really, really do.  i enjoy my current job, but i just need more.  Did i mention that i HATE job hunting?  But oh well...i'm a grown woman.  Dealing with things is what i do.

5/10/2010 9:31:57 PM
Twenty-four (24) years ago today, i lost my father.  Healthy as a horse...nothing found in any tests prior...avid basketball player...avoiding unhealthy things...non-drinker...non-smoker.  But, at the young age of 35--just shy of his 36th birthday--he suffered from a hypertrophic cardiomyopathy.  What is that?  Simply put, a sudden enlargement of the heart cells and thickening of the heart muscle which generally causes unexpected cardiac death.


They checked me for the disease regularly for years, with no symptoms.  Tests with needles, echo-cardiograms, EKGs...from the age of six (6), i've had these.  Nothing found thus far.  But my medical history always comes into question when i have pains in my chest.


We all choose different ways to grieve...and to remember.  i find that i don't remember much as i get older.  Six years isn't a lot of time to gain sufficient and lasting memories in some things.  i remember him saying--as i rested my elbows on the table--"You wanna keep them elbows?"  "Yes Sir."  "Then get 'em off the table."  LOL  i remember saying "damn" for the first time as he was driving, and his large hand searching the back seat for my leg to pop me a good one.  And him grabbing my brother's leg--and after hearing my brother finally say, "Uh, Dad, that's MY leg!" saying, "You better speak up, son."  i remember wrestling with him and my brother in the living room while my mother made dinner (of course he pretended to lose to spare my feelings).  i remember taking a huge swig of what i assumed to be water from his cup, only to nearly choke to death after discovering it was vodka.  i remember the Board of Education, a solid wooden paddle that he made when i was four--which is now mine.  Memories are whatever you make of them.  How will YOU remember the people in your life?


i think of the things that he has missed: m growing up, placing high rank in piano competitions, running track and winning my medals, winning awards for acting and writing, graduating high school, graduating college, getting married, the birth of my son...but he's still around--he'll always be around.  i have his nose--and so does my son.  He ain't going nowhere. LOL   Love you, Daddy.  Miss you, Daddy. 

5/5/2010 4:00:36 PM
Do you ever really just listen to the lyrics of songs?  Slow, loving, soulful songs.  Some say it's old school...which i'm very sure is true.  Hey, i was born in 1979--i'm still learning about this old school music.  But one thing that i have learned about certain music is that it can be applies so beautifully to what we're thinking, and what we're feeling.  They aren't just words and music to get money.  They convey human emotions.  One of my favorite songs is "Diary" by Alicia Keys (i mentioned this song in a prior journal entry).  The song is sung from a woman to a man, but i'm quite sure it could go the other way around.  Youtube it at if you can.  i highly recommend this.  This is how i view relationships...this is how i feel men can be to their women, and women can be to their men.  The lyrics go thus:

Lay your head on my pillow
Here you can be yourself
No one has to know what you are feeling
No one but me and you

I won't tell your secrets
Your secrets are safe with me
I will keep your secrets
Just think of me as the pages in your diary

I feel such a connection
Even when you're far away
Ooh, baby if there's anything that you fear
Call 489-4608 and I'll be here

I won't tell your secrets
Your secrets are safe with me
I will keep your secrets
Just think of me as the pages in your diary

Only we know what is talked about baby boy
I don't know how you can be driving me so crazy boy
Baby when you're town why don't you come around boy
I'll be that loyalty you need you can trust me boy

I won't tell your secrets
Your secrets are safe with me
I will keep your secrets
Just think of me as the pages in your diary

Think about it.  Who is YOUR diary?

5/4/2010 11:52:09 AM
Argh, make the pain in my head go away...

5/3/2010 10:02:33 PM
This entry isn't directed at one person, and it's not an entry intended to be malicious or disrespectful.   This is just something that i find interesting.  It's fascinating.  It's appealing to my curiosity of people in general, and what they're thinking, and why they are the way that they are...and yes, why they think the way that they think.  Remember...preference is the act of typically favoring one thing over another, or to choose (something/one) rather than (something/one else).  Prejudice is an unfavorable opinion or feeling formed beforehand or without knowledge.  The following applies to everyone, regardless of color, gender or sex.  That having been said, i begin.


It's interesting to me how so many times i see black men (or women for that matter) that ONLY want white women.  Or Hispanic women.  Or Asian women.  i've seen some where they say they want everything in existence--by name--and don't mention one word about black women.  People want who they want, whether it's simply just preference or prejudice (yes, there's a difference when it comes to what people seek, which i'll get into a little later).  What really interests me is that i have yet to see a black man (or woman) that wants ONLY black women.  Sometimes i'd wonder, "What is it about us that they wouldn't want?  What did we do?"  Sometimes i'd come up with what i considered to be a possible answer, sometimes i wouldn't.  But i digress--back to the point.  Granted, the desire of ________ isn't so much the issue.  It could be race, gender, biological sex, location...anything that the person wants.   And yet, i occasionally wonder why i see this so often on this website.  Sometimes, people just find something extremely appealing about one _________ or another, whether it's through a stereotypical belief or a personal attraction.  i'll give them that.  THAT is preference. Those are the people that say, "I've found that I'm generally attracted to and looking for ________, but I'm willing to keep my mind open to others."  But sometimes...people won't even give a second thought, let alone the time of day, to _______ because ________ doesn't fit into what they've realized that they're attracted to (or looking for), thereby refusing to allow the possibility of finding something else that they're attracted to in someone that isn't generally their type. THAT is prejudice.  Those people have the attitude of, "I'll ONLY talk to and be interested in _________, and won't even bother get to know _________ because s/he is not __________."

So for those that ONLY want __________, ask yourself a question:  Is it preference?  Or is it prejudice?

Controversial for some, no?  But it's truly fascinating and interesting to me how people work.

5/2/2010 2:44:34 PM
Don't offer me the whole world, and try to give me everything BUT what i need.  Don't offer me all i ever wanted, and refuse to show me who you are.  Don't offer me the fairytale, with you as my knight in shining armor, and then refuse to understand the magnitude and the consequences of your gallantry in my situation (in which you're going to rescue me).  Please...don't.

4/30/2010 6:59:46 AM
"Diary" by Alicia Keys was playing.  We were in my car.  In the front seat.  In the driver's seat, to be exact.  Even though my seat was leaned back, we were both still there...fitting...together.  And my seat might as well have been a bed, as comfortable as we were.  i was wearing a canary yellow tank top with a skimpy black bra underneath.  Nothing majorly sexy, just a simple black bra.  The skirt i wore rode high on my thighs and perfectly matched my tank top.  He kissed me, hard and demanding, and yet...his hands roaming across me were gentle, soft, and experienced.  i stared into his eyes, which had become focused and dark with desire.  He slipped two fingers under the strap of my tank--as well as the strap of my bra--and in one, quick, fluid movement, had pulled the items down, freeing my left breast.  His hot, wet mouth closed over my nipple, and i arched my back, giving him all that he wanted...all that he could take.  His free hand went between my thighs, stroking me, teasing me...torturing me.  Some women say that the man's fingers explored them; his didn't.  He already knew my body, an expert spelunker.  i moaned and arched even more, this time to give him access to all of me.  Before i could say anything, he moved.  He shifted.  He was kneeling between my thighs, the steering wheel somewhere behind his head, and he dove into me, his tongue licking...sucking...caressing...tasting.  He looked up at me, and i could see the fire in his eyes.  He shifted to claim me, moving up between my legs, about to take what was already his.  And then...I WOKE UP.  ~~  Argh, don't you just HATE it when that happens?!?  Just the same, though--i'll take the happy dreams (instead of the nightmares) for $500, Alex.

4/29/2010 9:50:38 PM
He didn't need to inform anybody else of what he was doing at that very moment.  He knew, and i knew.  That's all that mattered.  We had an entire conversation, an entire courtship, an entire wedding, and an entire lifetime together within the span of one second of time on Earth.  His chain was cold, but it set me on fire just the same.  And all i got was a piece of the slice of the pie.


i love writing.  

4/29/2010 7:03:56 AM
Someone once asked me for my number, never having spoken to me before.  i said, "Four."  It's great to have a sense of humor!

4/25/2010 5:20:31 PM
In my last entry i said that it was amazing how powerful poetry can be when you read it to yourself.  While that is still most definitely true, there's still something else that should've been added, something that it took me a moment to realize.  Recently having listened to a radio broadcast of a friend's poetry show, she said that she'd challenged people to find inspiration for their poetry from an unlikely source.  Oddly enough, i'd just done that with my most recent piece.

And so...while it IS amazing how powerful poetry can be when you read it to yourself, it is also extremely powerful when you find your inspiration--your muse(s)--in the strangest way.  my nightmares, my erotic dreams, my desires, my thoughts, my fears...they all came together.  i read my piece and was like, "WTF?  i don't write like this--this isn't my normal style of poetry."  But that's the beauty of it--it can be whatever you make it.

What's YOUR muse?

4/22/2010 7:32:34 PM
It's amazing how powerful your own poetry can be when you read it to yourself.

4/14/2010 12:08:17 PM
Make the nightmares go away...i don't like them.

4/13/2010 8:00:52 PM
Okay.  Now see, this just annoys me; ergo, it has become worthy of a block.  i'll share, and change the name to protect the stupid.  i mean, protect the clueless.  Yeah.  Clueless.  The following is an actual account of what's happened this evening:


Sweet lil 'ole me:
In a word, no.

Domly McDommykins:

Sweet lil 'ole me:
i'm glad you think so. You're wrong, but i'm glad you think you're right. Makes for a good laugh later.


Sweet lil 'ole me:
Um...yeah. Sure. [insert rolling of the eyes HERE]

Okay, c'mon now...REALLY?

4/8/2010 7:50:18 PM
They've declared the car to be a total loss.  ~sigh~  i am NOT a happy woman.

4/6/2010 4:43:08 PM
i'm about to do some cooking...nothing heavy.  Just pan-broiled boneless, skinless chicken breasts with whole wheat penne rigate pasta and homemade Alfredo sauce.  Nothing heavy.  Oh, and RED Kool-Aid!  What flavor, you ask?  You heard me--RED!  Aw, c'mon now y'all.  It goes by color.  Enjoy your evening!

4/5/2010 9:15:38 AM
Dominate your dick.  Don't let your dick dominate you.

i find that i have less patience with men who feel that their dick is the way to a woman.  How to get her attention.  How to make her want them.  i respect a man even more when he knows this, and when he ACTS like this.  Don't get me wrong--a little dick talk now and again is fine.  But don't think, for one second, that talking about your dick makes women want to fall to their knees for you.

It's not all about the dick, you know.  Believe it or not, that can actually put a woman off instead of turning her on

Just my $0.05.  Now gimme my change!

4/4/2010 8:52:50 PM
Argh, car accidents suck.  my family and i were hit--twice--last night on our way home.  The girl rear-ended me but caught the driver's side back end.  i thought that i was only rear-ended, but the next thing i knew, her window was directly lined up with mine.  Apparently she hit the back of my car, bounced off, then hit me again in a sideswipe.  Our cars lodged together...and it took me a couple of tries to dislodge them. accidents suck.

4/2/2010 1:09:27 PM
Let's discuss a touchy subject for a moment.  Brace yourself--it could get ugly.  Are you ready?  Are you sure?  i mean, we can always wait a little while before getting into it, if you need a pillow, or to suck your thumb for a while.  No?  Well, okay then.  If you insist.  Here we go.  No turning back it comes.  And-a 1, a 2, a 1, 2, 3!  COMMON COURTESY.  i know, i's a hard thing to talk about.   It's like watching Richard Simmons meet Oprah on the Dr. Oz show after an interview with Barbara Walters.  It's TOUGH.  Okay, so here we go...

Often times i receive emails of a nature.  Or, sometimes i receive emails that just aren't my thing (like another slave that wants to masturbate or strip on cam for me, or pee on him/herself).  Sometimes it's a compliment, or a desire to have me as their own.  But whatever the email, i ALWAYS respond.  Why?  Because my mama taught me better than to ignore people!  If something doesn't catch my interest, i simply say, "Thank you, but i'm not interested."  Why is that so difficult for people to do?  i've seen tons of profiles where people are complaining in their journals about this very thing.  Is it really difficult to send someone a simple "Thank you" for a compliment received, or some other sort of reply without being rude?

Meh, just my $0.02 on the subject.  i guess, since i am not opposed to common courtesy, that i'm the one with the problem.  Maybe i should seek therapy...

3/31/2010 9:55:17 PM
Have you ever had one of those days that started out SO perfect that there was nothing that could've possibly messed it up?  One of those days that everything falls your way?  And then...BAM--it's like you've been transported into a parallel universe that's the EXACT opposite of what was going on with you?  Yeah, me too.  Today was one of those days.

i woke up, refreshed and rested.  Got dressed in what seemed to be record time (makeup and all).  Made lunch for my son and myself (he goes to work with me).  Got him up and dressed in no time.  Stopped by McD's for breakfast--NOBODY was in line!  The girl greeted me with a smile, a compliment on my hair, and a wish for a great day.  The food came quickly, with another smile and a wish for a great day (let's not mention the fact that they're SUPPOSED to wish me a great day, okay?  lemme roll here).  No problems with traffic...and i made it to work early!

And then...

Well, i won't go into details about what turned my day.  But i wound up in tears--at work of all places--and anybody that knows me knows that i absolutely HATE to cry.  i hate it with a passion.  i loathe it.  my son starts to get cranky because it's past his naptime (he FINALLY goes to sleep).  The regional manager--a total prick--is doing his usual "I'm better than you are because I'm corporate and you aren't (even though I actually started where you are, but that doesn't matter now because I'm badass)," attitude.  Annoying little ones come into my place of employment, and because they're children, i have to deal with them (as they wake up my two year old from his peaceful nap).  i finally get to leave...lo and behold, there's some kind of major fire thingymabobajiggerwhatchamawhosit situation--AT MY EXIT.  Traffic is backed up for miles.  Finally make it home.  Go on with my usual routine for this particular day.  No more incidents after that.  But maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan...WHAT A DAY!

i think i need a vacation.

3/30/2010 10:04:11 PM
Okay...i don't usually do this (i've done it a time or two), but i just HAD to this time--i couldn't resist!

~takes a breath~  Okay.  You're the ripe old age of twenty.  You're cute, in your own way.  Slim, aggressive about life...all that good stuff.  But see, here's the thing that irks me about you.  At the steady, solid age of twenty, you're claiming to be a Mistress?  A Domme?  An owner of others?, i could get into debates all day long with people about how age doesn't matter.  But your age is only partially my issue.  Your profile and journal entries are full of contradictions...making you questionable, at best.  Moving on.  So you're an owner, yes?  You have slaves--financial, it seems are your preference--and you expect them to cater to you in any way that you see fit.  Okay, that's all good, fine and dandy.  BUT...what, in your opinion, does an owner do?  What are the responsibilities and duties of an owner?  But i digress--back to my issue.  You're complaining about living with your mother, and how you need your own space.  You can't have slaves there, and you don't meet people in real time (even though you specifically stated, verbatim, "I am real so you be too.").  Not long before that, you're complaining about how you're broke and in need of someone to help you out (wait, i thought you were all badass n' junk n' stuff...i'm confused!).  You're bored and broke...and your PC is "broke."  See, education would teach you that the word is "broken," and that there's quite a difference between "patients" and "patience," but i'm not the spelling/grammar police tonight.  Well, i'll try not to be.  Anyway, you're looking for a slave, right?  Someone that can pay four hundred dollars a month in rent (damn, i wish apartments here were only four hundred...then again, perhaps that has something to do with the type of apartment, but i'm not going there), because you can't have slaves at home--Mom wouldn't approve (and would probably ground you after taking away your Xbox or something).  Okie dokie, artichoke.  So...i just have some questions for you now, if you don't mind.

1) If you're going to have a financial slave, why not have him pay your way through college?  ~shrugs~
2) If you're so bored AND poor (even though you asked for no poor people) all the time, why not get yourself a job?  (Wait--that'd be too much like right.  my bad.  Question withdrawn.)  ~shrugs~
3)What, exactly, is so "cool" about being a Mistress that lives at home, can't bring slaves home, and has to rely on others just to maintain?  i mean, i kinda thought that a Mistress was on top of her game.  ~shrugs~
4)You said, verbatim, "BESIDES WHO CANT MAKE A MAN SUCK UR TOES OR TIE UR SHOES..."  Um...well, if just anybody can make a man suck their toes and tie their shoes, then...uh...doesn't that make YOU sort of, you know, common?  Ordinary? Usual?  ~shrugs~

i mean, i'm just sayin...

3/29/2010 11:32:49 AM
Allergies.  i hate them.  They make me hurt.  i sneeze, cough, laugh, breathe, move, dress, exist...and it makes my body hurt.  i'd love a massage--but it'd hurt!  i'd love to take a hot bubble bath--but it'd hurt!  my skin is ultra-sensitive right now, and even getting dressed is difficult.  my scalp even hurts, dag nabbit!  Yes--i said DAG NABBIT.

~sigh~  Oh well...i am alive, the sun is shining, and the air is warm.  Life continues.

3/26/2010 5:27:17 PM
"Please, Sir...teach me to dance," i begged Him.  And He did.  Dancing is His specialty.  With every flick of His wrist...with every sting of His palm...with every intense stare...with every touch of His lips...with every conversation we shared...  He taught me to dance.  Then He taught me to fly.

3/25/2010 8:26:28 PM
These doggone suits and ties...maaaaaaaaaaan, that's the hotness.  You know, i think it should be a nationally-recognized art.  Yeah.  Art.  Men that know how to rock a suit and tie, with the belt (suspenders can be tossed in there, if that's your thing), shoes, socks, handkerchiefs, shirts...  Whooooooooooooo...i gotta stop.  

3/24/2010 7:39:57 PM
i want to dance.  i want to sing.  i want to sweat.  i want to kiss.  i want to love.  i want to serve.  i want to bow.  i want to kneel.  i want to be taken upon the furs as the chain lies around my ankle (or my neck, either one works for me).   i BE.

3/24/2010 7:18:09 PM
It felt good to vent in my last really did.  i haven't vented in a long time, and it made me feel better after i did it.  i'm learning more and more about myself--that it's okay to open up and allow the emotions to overtake me.  i don't have to bottle things up anymore.

And what's even better about it all is that emotions make for some damn good poetry!  But y'all don't know nuttin bout that, do you?  i'm feeling good...REALLY good.  Hell, i'm feeling so good i'm almost horny!  LOL...ah, on the real, is beautiful.  Unfair as all get out,'s beautiful.

Oh, and by the way...i don't like to be ignored.

3/22/2010 9:20:05 AM
Yes, i know this makes the third journal entry for today...but i really don't care.  i might make a hundred journal entries in one day, and i dare you to say something about it.

It isn't often that i vent.  i consider myself to be a generally happy, energetic person.  But every now and again i feel the need to let loose. 

i'm feeling a thousand emotions for a thousand things (and if you can't understand hyperbole then i pity you).  And i'm just ready to be DONE.  Done with it all (and i swear, if you think i'm talking suicide then you have absolutely NO CLUE who i am).  i feel like doing it all: screaming, laughing (thanks, dreadpirate), crying, fighting, arguing, yelling, loving, hating, fucking, slapping, running, leaving, staying, waiting, correcting, criticizing, hurting, healing...and a few things after that.  It's not something i can really explain, though. 

It's like the feeling after an unbelievable orgasm.  Where it's a moment of extreme sensitivity, and any movement could cause a shift from pleasure to pain, or pain to pleasure, but not wanting to take the risk of moving.

i hate feeling like this.

3/22/2010 8:51:24 AM
Argh, i hate the way that this website posts in journals.  It makes it look like there are typos everywhere!  Okay--in order to read the journal entry below this one, it would be best to view it in its entirety.  Reading poetry in this format is useless unless you're seeing every line, every break, every crest.

3/22/2010 8:48:53 AM
Come Back to Me

Come back to me and touch me again
Soothe me with your lips
Comfort me with your touch
Love me with your presence
Come back to me and stay with me
Refuse to leave without my love
Take all I have to give
Compel me to surrender to your tastes
Come back to me and talk a while
Conversations not forgotten
Recorded in my memory's heart
Whispers in my ears and soul
Don't forget me in the night
Think of me as the sun and moon
Always present though far away
So come back to me and touch me again

3/20/2010 6:42:01 PM
Today is the first day of Spring.  With this season comes life.  A beginning.  A new freshness that has never been before.  But in order for the Spring to come, we must pass through the fun, energetic life of Summer...through the  beautifully aging changes of Autumn...and through the cold, harsh Winter. 
Things happen in every season--things that we love, things that we hate.  Whether it's losing an hour, gaining an hour, vacation with loved ones (or even on our own), vacation traffic, prices of gas or fantastic photo opportunities, there is something in every season for every person.  Patience.  Amusement.  Less comfort.  Celebrations.  Love.

From the Winter to the Spring, things must die in order to be reborn.  With every death comes a new life.  For each leaf that falls from the tree there is the promise of a new leaf, full of life and color.  This does not negate the existence of the first leaf by any means.  For without the first leaf to make the way for the next leaf, there would not be the continuation of life.

Leave behind good leaves.

3/19/2010 6:28:00 AM
When you wake up and realize that your hand is in...interesting places, then you KNOW you had a damn good dream!

Mmmmm...i LOVE having good dreams!

3/17/2010 12:36:27 PM
~sighs~  Wednesday.  Hump Day.  But dang...this is one hell of a hump to get over.  ~sighs~

3/5/2010 9:54:07 PM
i need his arms to hold me.  i need his affection.  i need his attention.  i need to laugh.

Oh, god...i need to laugh. Really laugh.  The kind that makes me cry.

Maybe i need to cry...and work my way to laughter.

3/1/2010 12:06:27 PM

Ode to O

Oh, my beautiful O…how I love you!
You are precious and irrevocably real.
You never fail to make me smile,
You relax me when I need it the most.

You take away my frustrations…
My confusions,
My trepidations,
My illusions,
My complications.

Oh, my magnificent O…how I cherish you!
When others forget about you,
I will not.
When others don’t think you’re important,
I always will.

You’re always on my mind.
Constantly reminding,
Patiently sustaining,
Completely intertwining,
Absolutely entertaining.

Oh, my wonderful O…how happy I am to know you!
You never cease to amaze me.
Sometimes you sneak up on me and surprise me,
Sometimes you and I make plans to…come together.

Akin to electric shocking,
Foolish miscalculations,
No more mental blocking,
Just careful ministrations.

Oh, my powerful O…how I cling to you!
I will always need you,
I refuse to underestimate your abilities,
I give myself to you to be devoured and unforgivingly ravished.

You put me to my knees,
You make me a wreck,
Then you make me say please,
And earn my respect.

Oh, my infinite, intangible, indubitable O…how I appreciate you!
You are neither man nor woman, god nor goddess.
You do not see gender or weight, race or background,
You have no concept of days, weeks, months or years.

I simply close my eyes,
And let go just for you,
You don’t care about my size,
I trust that you know just what to do.

Oh, my O…
I pay homage to you,
I think of you,
And I want you to know...
You are an exquisitely prodigious gift, O, and…


Oh, my crafty, Machiavellian O…
Did you do that?
Sneaky thing.
Stop that, now…behave.

I have no more pledge to give,
No words to thank,
No rhyme to tell.

You already know how I love to explode.
So to you, my O, I give this ode.

2/23/2010 9:13:06 AM
Oh my gosh...there's white stuff all around me, and it's not...well, you know... really CAN snow in Austin!  Woot!

2/20/2010 10:45:33 PM
i want him to notice...

i want him to notice when i have my hair done.  i want him to notice when i'm wearing eyeshadow.  i want him to notice when i'm wearing eyeliner.  i want him to notice the different between me wearing Carmex and wearing lip gloss with a bit of color.  i want him to notice when i have on new clothes, or new shoes.  i want him to notice when i'm wearing my Seductive Goddess perfume.

i want him to know me...

i want him to know me so well that he knows immediately when i'm in a funk.  i want him to know me so well that he can hear my emotions in my voice, or in words that i type, regardless of what i say.  i want him to know me so well that even the change of my picture or status means something to him.

Who is he?  Well, he is...

2/15/2010 7:58:18 AM
What is it about dreads (the neat ones, that is) and bald heads that are just SO sexy?  Dreads (or bald), a little salt-and-pepper mix, a man in a suit (that knows how to rock said suit)...what IS it about it all?

It turns me on.

Ties that match the handkerchiefs...ties that can be stuffed into my mouth, gagging me instantly.  Ties that can be wrapped around my wrists, securing me tightly.  Ties that can tease my body with pleasure to the point of torture. me some ties!

And dreads?  i want to put my hands in them, to run my fingernails between them, to pull them to show just how much i like what's being done to me.  To feel them slide across my shoulders and a whisper across lips.

Don't get me started on the eyes and the smile.  OMG...what IS it that captures me so?

Being a voyeur, i LOVE to see pictures.  i love it when people aren't afraid to show themselves.  They're not hiding anything...they show their face, their eyes (the window to their soul, of course), their smile, their lips...

Thank you, to the ones that aren't afraid to show who you are.  For those wondering why i can talk about so many pictures but don't have too many of my own, let me explain:  i'm a bit of an exhibitionist myself (albeit a modest one), but my posted pictures are controlled.  He moderates how many i put up, as well as what can be seen in the ones i put up.  But i sure do enjoy looking at the others!

1/25/2010 11:18:58 AM
Mental masochists.

Why do we seek perfection when we, ourselves, are not perfect?  Why do we want the world when we cannot have it all?

i hate it, i want it, i fear it, i need it.

Stupid mental masochism.

1/22/2010 7:33:31 PM in suits and ties.  YUM.

Okay, i'm done drooling.  Continue on!  : )

1/18/2010 10:39:12 PM
Okay, so a profile pops up on my page (i've seen a few that have been irking me lately, but i'll go with this one for now).  Curious, i let my deep, brown eyes scan through the writing.  The fingertips of my left hand rest gently on the keypad, seductively becoming one with the "A," "S," "D" and "F" keys, as my thumb grazes the space bar, intimately resting upon it as a Master's hand rests intimately (but firmly) on his slave's head (or thigh, or shoulder, or hair...hey, make it how you want it!).  The fingertips of my right hand curl around my mouse, my middle fingertip stroking the scrolling wheel like it's a clitoris...the battery light lighting up like it's having tiny little orgasms.  i read through this profile, and felt my eyebrows raise like a teenage erection; immediate and not very well hidden.

So i felt like i needed to throw a few words up just to show how i felt about what i saw.

Alright--here we go.  i saw the following: "You won't mistake me for a thug.  I have no tattoos, no dreads, I'm not bald, I wear suits and ties most of the time and fit well into the white man's world."  First, let's start with the basics.  This is the definition of a thug: "A cruel or vicious ruffian, robber, or murderer."   Interesting.  i don't believe that "tattoos, dreads, baldness and/or wearing something other than suits and ties (most of the time)" is anywhere in there.  Is THAT what you think that being a thug is?  So what about that corporate boss that has a tattoo of some naked girl from his navy days?  Or, perhaps, the entrepreneur that is more comfortable working in a polo and slacks, or even jeans and a t-shirt?  Are they thugs, too?  Think about it.  Alright, moving on.

The next thing that bothered me was that he said this: "Training will start here, training will be long and hard, with no shortcuts.  If found worthy the candidate will move to..."  Hhhmmm...okay.  While i cannot speak for all slaves or for all submissive women, i CAN say this (and i do it respectfully): Surely Dominants must prove their worth just as much as a submissive.  No Dominant is perfect, and neither is a submissive.  If they are going to begin a relationship, then they must show that they are worthy of one another.    Each must come to trust and depend on the other (yes, believe it or not, Dominant personalities DO need submissive personalities to thrive, and vice versa).  So is never just one-sided in terms of consideration.  When a Dominant personality is considering a submissive personality, the consideration is truly going both ways.

Next topic:  common courtesy.  If i ever send you a message, it's because i found something funny, or intriguing, or touching.  The bottom line is that i found something that was of interest to me and i chose to compliment you on it.  Common courtesy is to respond, even with something so much as a "Thank you."  Being a slave does not mean that i am not deserving of common courtesy.

And...just one more for the day: What's up with all the dick pics?  i'm curious--is it an obligatory thing?  Don't get me wrong--as a voyeur, it's just right up my alley.  As a a slave...just watching you sling your dick around (particularly when you have nothing else to add that shows any kind of intelligence) just isn't appealing.  i'm not hating on the big-dick fellas, either, so don't misunderstand, please.  But there has to be more than the classic case of "Me have big dick.  Me beat you with big dick.  Me dominate you with big dick...but me have no brains but ones in big dick.  So if you want more than big dick, me don't got it."  Uh...yeah.  The G-spot is actually only about 1-3 inches in the vagina, on the anterior wall.  The simple fact is this: your dick doesn't make you as a man or as a Dominant...YOU make your dick (hey, if you're a woman, then your strap-on doesn't, either...i'm just saying).

i think that's enough for now...and if you're offended by my entry, then...i'm sor--erm...well, then you'll just have to be offended then, won't you?  ~grin~

1/1/2010 10:16:15 AM
Happy New Year, to one and all!  May your year be blessed with love, with hope, with peace, and orgasms!  Though i have never met you, i love you.  Though i have never seen you, keep smiling.  And though i have never heard you, sing for me.  Or howl.  Or scream.  Shoot, just do something!

Mmmwah!!  ~passes out hugs and kisses~

Always (insane),

~ o ~

11/3/2009 8:07:19 AM
i have been getting a number of emails asking about my release.  And i'm sorry, my cherished readers, that it's been so long that i've written in my journal.  But here i am to as little wording as possible; for, if i were to tell ALL that has happened to me over the past year, you simply would never stop reading!

Seriously, though...thank you to everyone that has asked about my well-being.  i'm alive and well, happy, and just as chocolate as ever!

Let's see...where to start...

The release that i spoke of in my last entry was an emotional release.  i needed to cry, to vent, to rant, to throw things, to completely release all of the hurt, the anger, the confusion, the jealousy...all of the things that had been building up inside of me.  And to be honest, while i released, it was difficult for me.  It was like i had to try to think of everything that was bothering me so much, and then cry about it.  It took me a while to figure out why it was so hard.  And then it dawned on me--i don't need to hold on to all of my emotions for a certain amount of time, and then pick one night to release; rather, i need to deal  with the emotions (the best way that i can at the time) as they come. i know--big epiphany, right?

Alright, moving right along.  On November 1, 2008, i surrendered myself to Blaakmaan.   It has been a year, and i am still happy.  Of course, we have had our ups and downs, but He is helping me to face things/emotions/situations that i've never had to deal with before...and i'm grateful to Him for that, and i always will be.  He's encouraging, supportive, and pushy (in that totally wonderful Masterly way).   In service to Him, i'm joined by my sister, ardah.  And she is my partner in crime, my big sister, my pouting buddy, my stern mini-dictator...and she rocks.  i never thought that having a sister was something i even wanted--i've been there and done that, and said i wasn't going there again.  But they've both helped me to learn that i can handle anything, so long as i have support, and i'm open and honest, and i communicate my feelings.  And that goes so far beyond BDSM that it's not even funny.  i'm getting's taking time, but, i'm getting there.

Update on my little Dom, HRHPC.  Oh, for those that don't know: HRHPC = His Royal Highness Prince Crankydiaperpants.  He's almost two, and a handful he is!

i've been thinking of some things that i'[m interested in doing.  i went from kickboxing to bellydancing, then to gymnastics, running, on to dancing...i just can't keep it all straight!  There's so many things i want to do...right now the top activity on my brain is bellydancing.  i'm looking forward to learning a bit...maybe taking a class or two.  Who knows?

i think that's enough for now...i'll work on being in touch more often.  Thanks for bearing with me!

10/23/2008 10:17:18 AM
It's been a while.  Egads!  (Yes...I really DID just use that word.)  I've gotten several emails asking about my night of release, and I'm WAY overdue for the update.  Thank you to everybody that's checked up on me to see how it went!  So here we go.

Yes, I had my release. 

The End.

Aw, I'm just kidding!  Okay...believe it or not, I actually found it more difficult than I thought to just pick a night and cry.  When I wanted to cry, I couldn't.  When speaking with others and facing some painful moments in my life,  didn't want to cry--but I did.  I'm learning now to face things as they come, and I'm learning, bit by bit, to release when I need to.  It's okay to be angry, and it's okay to cry, and it's okay to be hurt and lonely.  And I can feel that way, and release those emotions when nobody's watching me.  And that's okay too.

I'm going to pull a Forrest Gump moment: "And that's all I've got to say about that."


Moving on...recently I came across a profile that really bothered me.  And believe me, it's rare when profiles actually bother me.  But this one did.  In the profile, this person had pretty much nothing but negative things to say.  They talked about how stupid, sappy or childish it was to have poetry, song lyrics and the like on a profile.  

I started thinking about my past journal entries, and wondered if his comments were directed at my profile.  I knew that I'd had some of the very things in my profile that he was talking about, and actually considered taking down those posts.  I actually considered deleting those entries, or changing them completely to subtract the parts which he mentioned.  But the more I thought about it, the more silly I felt.  Why the ham sammich should I change my thoughts and feelings to appease someone else's opinion, someone that I don't know?  What the heck fer? (Yes, that was intentional.)

It reminds me of the biggest, most horrible mistake I've EVER made in my entire life.  And I remember this mistake, and more than likely will never forget it, because it's something that I think about often. 

When I was in elementary school I was the only black girl and one of four black students there.  Of course, I had friends, and hung around with everybody.  Some people were afraid of me, solely because of the color of my skin and the stereotypical ties that the media painted.  Some were fascinated with my hair because it wasn't "like the other black girls" kind of hair.  And then there were my friends--the ones that didn't seem to care one iota that i was a different color, and just enjoyed my personality and outgoing nature.  I dealt with it rather well, actually.  I was rarely ever in fights, but rest assured...if I was in one, I won!  In any case, I became unsatisfied with myself.  I was short--excuse me--vertically challenged, with big breasts (I started developing at age 7 and often wrapped them with ace bandages) and the only black girl there.  While I had friends and was generally happy, I wanted to fit in, as most kids do.

A blonde, blue-eyed girl named Lauren was the most popular girl in school.  She had braces with the alternating-color  rubber bands, making her "ultra" cool at the time (c'mon now, this was in the very early 90s!).  The boys wanted to date her (about as much as elementary kids COULD date), the girls wanted to be like her...or better yet, be her, myself included.  And this, my readers, is where I made the biggest mistake of my life.  I asked this girl, Lauren Whatever-her-last-name-was, to teach me to be like her.  I know, I know...if you're still reading, then that means you haven't fainted from shock.  If you're just coming to...then welcome back.   Yes, yes, yes, yes...I did.  I begged this girl to teach me to be like her so that I could be popular too.  She gave me "lessons."  She taught me how she walked down the stairs like she did (I mean, seriously--how hard is it to hold the handrail with one hand with a book or two in the other?), style my hair like hers was (yeah, like my mom was going to let me cut MY hair in a bob!), the kind of lunch to eat, etc.  I followed her lessons for a couple of weeks.

At some point, we were with a few other students, and she tried to do one of the snaps, or roll her neck, or whatever it was.  One of the boys, Steven (a blonde/brown guy who was always really cool to me) said something like, "No, __________ (insert my name HERE) really knows how to do it!  Do it, _______!"  I did...and for the first time, I was outshining her, and it was for something that I'd already been doing before her!  WOW!  From that point on, I stopped taking my "lessons" to be like her, and began to enjoy being myself again.  And it felt goooooooooooooood.

So why should I change myself for someone that I don't know, for someone that doesn't know me?  Wait--here's an idea--I SHOULDN'T!


Okay...just one more thing, and I'll be done.  I promise. 

I've been...revitalized.  My thoughts have been invaded, my mind seized, my heart tugged.  I found myself stuck between a rock and a hard place, and couldn't make a decision.  So it's being worked out between myself and two others.  This is where my attention and affections lie.

"And that's all I've got to say about that."

9/3/2008 11:20:48 PM

I've been doing some thinking, and have been holding a lot of things inside.  Yes.  I know it's unhealthy.  No.  I won't stop.  Anyway...I've come to a decision.

For all of the feelings of hurt, anger, happiness, confusion, fear, hesitation, bitterness, love, frustration, appreciation, jealousy, spoiled-brattiness, betrayal, loss of direction, desire, ache, adoration, sensuality, revenge, guilt and all the other feelings that I haven't named yet...I am going to weep.

At some point next week I am going to have a night...of release.  Crying, screaming, having a temper tantrum, throwing a fit, whatever you want to call it...I'm going to have it.  But for one night only.

For one night, I'm just going to let go and cry like a baby.  Most of you that know me know that I hate to cry...with a passion.  But I'm going to do it.  Just let it all out, as if the whole world never knew I existed, even for that short time that I've allotted myself.

Which night...I'm not sure.  Of course, when my night of weeping comes, it will probably hit me like a ton of bricks.  And then the next day...I'll be better.  New.  Fresh.  Hurting like somebody beat me with iron fists, but better.  I may write poetry, or one of my short stories.  Or I may just delight in my surroundings.  Who knows?  Stay tuned...

(And no, this won't be the last entry until then.  I don't think.  Maybe not.  Possibly.  There's a chance.  But doubtful.)

8/29/2008 11:10:38 PM
For some reason, I found myself dangerously close to tears tonight.  Every now and again I find myself simply aching...yearning...needing...craving for that presence of a Master.  I watched a few clips today...and really, it wasn't about sex at all.  It was about domination, submission, obedience, control...all of those things that are the base of such a relationship for this website (for me, anyway).  And I found myself longing somewhat.  Not for the play itself.  Not for the collar that I saw.  Not for the control that the man had as he flogged the woman, dripped wax on her flesh, scraped it from her with a knife or used anal hooks on her and bound her.  Not for the way his voice was gentle, but almost cold as he gave his orders, never having to repeat them more than once.  It was the combination of all of it that made me yearn so.

But does this mean that I'll just abandon who I am to pursue some fling with someone just to get hit with a flogger, a hook shoved up my behind, some candle wax dripped on me and spoken to in a bland and monotoned voice?  Absolutely not.  My situation may not be ideal...but I can't change who I am and what I was born to do.

8/18/2008 8:21:05 AM
I've had dreams three days in a row now that have had me thinking.  Since I majored in sociology and minored in psychology, it's practically essential that I analyze.  *smile*  Each dream had a different man in it, but the woman was always me.  They were not long dreams, lengthened by the inclusion of unecessary and impertinent factors.  They were short, simple, serious and have made me examine myself after each one.

The first dream: I was a personal assistant to a CEO of a major multi-billion dollar company.  I wore a dark gray suit, with a cream satin blouse underneath.  My skirt was about two inches above my knees with a small split in the back.  My heels, about four inches, were a dark gray, matching my suit, and my pantyhose were flesh-colored and sheer to bring out the color of my own legs.  His suit was a lighter gray, pinstriped, with a crisp, white shirt and silver cuff links.  We were having a huge meeting, and as the man I worked for talked, several phones belonging to people in the meeting went off at different times.  He said one word:  "Phone." And immediately the person picked up the phone, flipped it open (yes, they were ALL flip phones...who knew?), and then proceeded to snap it shut, hanging up on whoever was calling.  The company phone rang, and as I went to pick it up, he took it from me, talked a brief moment (in which the rest of us already knew to be deadly silent), then handed it back to me and continued with what he was saying.  I hung it up immediately, and noticed that my cousin, whom I know to be extremely shallow and materialistic, as well as narcissistic, outside of the board room cleaning the windows, begging to get in.  The meeting was dismissed and I pointed her out to him.  He gave me a very simple command to let her in and take her to his office.  I began to protest (since I knew that she would be going to his office for his sexual use), but all he did was look at me.  And that look gave me a complete lecture and stern correcting.  He repeated the order once more, and the look he gave me dared me to say anything else, including "Yes, ________." I obeyed.  Now, what was this dream about?  I knew that this man was my Master, my owner, as well as my superior in the vanilla world.  And, though I protested, in the end it had nothing to do with me.  It was about my Master's pleasure.

The second dream: My Master and I had been together, officially for about two years at this point.  Sometimes I went to his home, and sometimes he came to mine.  This particular night we were at his place, and we were cuddled up together on the couch.  I was ecstatic to be his; I obeyed with enthusiasm and love, and he rewarded me when it suited him.  But knowing he was pleased was enough, whether he thanked me, said "Good girl!" or any other type of appreciative and positive reinforcement.  And yet...for some reason...he had never used me sexually.  He may have kissed me, or caressed me on occasion, but never did anything with/to me that would lead to orgasms on either end.  As we curled up together, in total silence and bathed in dim lighting, I asked him, "Master, why do you never use me?"  He looked down at me, smiled, and kissed my nose.  He held me again, never answering my question.  I laid my head in the curve of his shoulder, and asked again.  "Master?  Why is it that you never use me?"  This time he looked at me again, kissed my lips, and told me to prepare myself, then got up and walked out of the room.  Once he was gone, I happily checked all of my bodily odors (use your imaginations, now...) to make sure that I was fresh and clean, checked my toenails for polish do-overs if necessary, my hair, my teeth, etc.  But he never came back.  I prepared myself for his use...but he still chose not to use me. Now, what did this dream mean?  I have no idea.  Well, maybe that's not completely true.  I believe that it was about the fact that my Master, who did not see the purpose in introducing anything sexual, was satisfied with how things were going.  He was pleased with me, and with what I offered him; however, when (and if) he chose to use me, he would do it at his leisure.  And I had to accept that.

The third dream: He'd been my friend for a while at this point, but we both knew that it wouldn't really work like we wanted it to if we'd gotten together.  He had things going on, and I had things going on...but if we WERE ever to get together, it would've been one amazing adventure through this twisted gift called life.  I could talk to him about my fantasies, and he understood, as his fantasies were very much the same as mine.  His dreads were beautiful to me, and for so long I'd wished to pull on them as he forced me to my back on the floor, on the table, on the bed, against the wall...anywhere.  I longed to feel his hands on my throat, controlling the very air I breathed, forcing the tears from my eyes as he moved inside of me, half against my will, half craving.  But we both knew it couldn't possibly work.  So, one day, we were at a conventional gathering of some sort, and the topic was poetry.  He'd read my poetry and he knew who I was within it.  The assembly released its attendants, and the bodies became sparse in the area.  We decided to share a cab ride together to the store, or to some other impertinent location, and began talking as we sat in the back seat.  I poured out some things to him, and he just listened to me.  He did the same, and I listened to him as well.  We offered one another advice, comfort, and so many other things.  And, for some unknown reason, I thanked him, leaned over, and kissed his cheek.  And though my lips burned to continue trails of kisses down his neck, to his throat, down his chest and beyond, I restrained myself.  I pulled my lips from his cheek, close to tears.  Just as I pulled away (rather slowly, mind you), he turned to me and looked at me.  I knew, at that precise moment, that he wanted to do everything to me that I wanted to do to him.  Without touching me in any other kind of way, he leaned forward, and kissed me.  The way that his lips touched mine sent immediate shocks through my body.  My nipples became solid rocks.  My panties, the poor things, might as well have been used to put out a fire.  And my heart was about to explode out of my chest at any moment.  And then... Alright...if it was excruciating to YOU not to know the rest, imagine how I felt when I woke up!!!!  Sheesh.  It's a killer, I'm telling you!  So what did this dream mean?  Frankly...I've not a clue.  But just thinking about it has my heart pounding all over again.  Giving in to a fear and facing it...can be such a release.  But it's taking the first step...turning TOWARDS the fear...that makes the difference.  Hhhmmm--perhaps I should follow my own advice.

Nah.  I'll just keep dreaming, I suppose.  Oh, and as a side note: the dreams were real.  This is not one of my short stories or fantasies.  These are actual dreams over the past three consecutive nights.  And yes, the third dream is about a friend of mine.

8/12/2008 6:19:55 PM's been a while since my last entry.  There have been a few things going on, but all is well.  And if it isn't, then I must make the best of it until it is.  After all, adaptation is what makes life interesting, no?

I've been doing more thinking.  And I've been trying to figure out what it is that's wrong with me that makes me so picky.  I've been trying to figure out what it is that makes me such a miserable person that keeps me unowned.  I thought about it.  I asked questions to other people.  I researched some things on my own, and even went to the dictionary.  And then I realized something: there was absolutely nothing wrong with me the way I was! 

Sure, I have my faults--and I'm big enough to admit them.  Sometimes I can be a bit on the bratty side.  I get upset when things don't work out the way that I think, or hope they should.  I might pout for a while, then get angry about it.  But in the end, I do what I need to do.  Why?  Because that's what's in me to do. I can be jealous at times, as I like to have (positive) attention.  Of course, there are other flaws about me.  I'm not perfect.  No one is.

But overall, I am a damn beautiful woman-- both inside and out.  I am intelligent.  I genuinely care about people.  I have lovely legs, bountiful breasts, heavenly hips, silken skin, exquisite eyes...I could go on and on.  The more I started to appreciate myself and see myself as a jewel worth having, the more I started to look at those saying they wished to have me.

But often times, I've found that what I enjoy in men seems to be rare.  I love it when a man makes me want to look up words, like "pusillanimous" or "erudite" or, perhaps, "dacryphilia" and "exacerbate."  Words that I'd never known before, or words that I'd heard but not understood.  I love it when a man has a beautiful smile, and a beautiful mind to go along with it.  I love it when a man can make me want to go back over my poetry and really feel that connection between his mind, my mind and the pieces I've written. I love it when I can be challenged mentally, but at the same time, allowed to crack jokes and be as silly and playful as I wish (when the time is appropriate).

So what IS it then?  Circumstances have prevented collars before, as I know that were they different, I would be taken.  Distance, significant others, whatever...there's always something that has kept me from being collared all the while.  Not because I wasn't good enough for them, or them for me, but because of the situations one (or both) of us were in.  But alas, life is unfair and cruel at times.  And yet, even in the brutal reality that I live in, I do not throw away those experiences with those people.  I am blessed to have met them, and, were my life any different, I may never have known them.

So what is my babble boiling down to?  I am onyx.  I am me.  I am a beautiful gem that does have some chips and flaws, but I am no less of a gem.  When the time is right, they'll be smoothed out and polished.  And I...will...shine.

7/21/2008 12:26:27 PM

Just to show that I ~do~ have a sense of humor, I thought I'd post this.  I was having a bad day, and it lifted my spirits and made me smile.


1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a

2. She is not "EASY" - She is


3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a

5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a


1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL  ASS" - He develops a case

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - it's

7/21/2008 12:07:52 PM
There are some people, here on this site, that have said that they "know" me.  When, in actuality, they don't.

If you've never read my poetry or stories, never heard me laugh, never been told what my worst fears are, never been able to tell when I'm in a bad mood and inches away from tears, don't know my favorite colors, don't know my name...etc., then, chances are, you don't know me like you think you do.

I'm a very easy person to talk to.  I'm a very easy person to get to know.  I don't consider "Hey, what's your bra size?" to be a question that is an attempt to get to know who I am.  Nor do I consider "Wow, so you like to too!  Wanna hook up and play sometime?" an attempt at actual conversation.

And for those that are wondering if this applies to you...I think you're better off answering that question yourself.

7/7/2008 9:18:04 PM

I've been thinking.  Yes, I know that's when trouble starts.  But I've been thinking about relationships, and trust, and communication and the like.  And I'll admit it--yes, I'm picky.  Shouldn't we all be?  Who wants any ~body~ coming in and either taking immediate control over it, or allowing it to be controlled immediately?  Anyway, I've just been watching people lately--couples and singles alike.  And a lot of people might see me as being snobbish, or have that "I'm too good for you" attitude because I won't just bow my head and let anybody collar me.

But the thing is...yes, I do desire to be collared someday.  It's who I am, it's what I do, it's the burning fire inside that aches to serve and please. If anybody's ever seen the animated movie of Beauty and the Beast and can recall the song "Be Our Guest" then you'd have an idea of what I'm talking about.  But for those who don't, take a look at the following lyrics:

Life is so unnerving
For a servant who's not serving
(S)He's not whole without a soul to wait upon...

Okie you've gotten that idea.  Good.  Now keep rolling with me here.  Cuz I'm about to shift like the wind, but still be in the air (and if you understood what I just said, you get bonus points in the cool book).

Ever notice how songs can say exactly what you're thinking, or feeling?  Sure, you might not be able to hit those notes, but the very words seem to rock down into your entire being and shake you to your core?  Whether it's longing for something, desire (sexually or non), a fear, a bad thought or memory, etc., it just literally is what you're thinking.  I love music, because a lot of times it conveys my thoughts well.  Take this song, for example, from the movie Thumbelina:

I know there's someone, somewhere, someone,
Who's sure to find me soon...
After the rain goes,
There are rainbows...
I'll find my rainbow soon.
Soon, it won't be just pretend,
Soon, a happy ending...
Love, can you hear me?
If you're near me
Sing your song,
Sure and strong,
And soon...

Now...does that make sense to you?  It makes perfect sense to me, because...going back up into the previous paragraphs, I might be picky...but I do have a desire to eventually be collared.  But I don't see the point in not taking my time, and just rushing through things.  It's funny...I've mentioned before how much I hate to cry (especially in front of men).  But I actually found my eyes getting a bit moist when I heard this song.  Crazy?  Ayup.  Silly?  Incredibly.  Honest?  Absolutely.

Sure, there are people that want to collar me.  I've been asked, I've been told, and while I am honored and honestly do appreciate it, this isn't something I take lightly.

I like velcro on my shoes, on bags (not purses), and a few other things.  But not on my heart.  I don't have the time to play like that.  Yes, I want it.  But no, I don't want it badly enough to play with my own emotions and waste time--mine or theirs.

(Youtube the song, if you like...and yes, for those of you that even thought it...I do sing the song from time to time!  ~lol~)

7/2/2008 9:52:25 AM
Sometimes I'm absolutely clueless about people.  They seem to be acting one way towards me...and then, for a moment, it seems like things are different...almost cold and cruel, no matter what I do.  Then, it looks like things are on the up and up, and are getting better, if not back to normal.  And then, out of the blue, things change again.

As I've said in a previous entry, I genuinely care about people.  And, as I said in another entry, I wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt anybody, regardless of what they've done to me, or what's happened between myself and that person.

It might be a word of encouragement, or an absolute agreement with what has been said, or a compliment...but I don't email people just for the heck of it to say things and play off of what they're feeling.

I think that's enough about that.  Lemme move on to something else.


I am...who I say I am.  I have never attempted to hide anything from anybody on this site.  I've never hidden the fact that I'm a wife and a mother, and that my husband is aware that I'm here.  I've never hidden the fact that, while I have desires to do certain things, I can't--and won't--abandon my family to do those things.  This doesn't mean that I wouldn't serve to the best of my ability...but it means that there are some things that I can not compromise on.  And it doesn't make me any less of a admit it.

6/21/2008 12:23:14 AM
This particular entry is going to be rather short and to the point.

I avoid confrontation like the plague.  I will dodge those types of conversations (that can quickly get out of control) as much as I can.

That having been said, if I do get into it with someone, and I try to rectify and diffuse the situation, and it doesn't look like it's going to work, then I give up and back off for a while.  But if I'm just being ignored, or only spoken to when it's absolutely necessary...then that tells me something.

So...I'm learning how to step back and take my hands off.  Actually, I'm learning not to care quite so much.  It's not that I don't care, and it's not that I don't want things to get better.  Because honestly, I do care what people think about me.  But I'm not going to let myself stay in a funk for too long before I learn to pick myself up, dust myself off, and get back to life.

Okay, so it wasn't the shortest.  But I'd say it got to the point fairly quickly.

Alrighty then.  Here we go.

6/18/2008 11:55:57 PM
Recently something happened to me that just set me on fire.  I was pissed to no end.  I was lied to; rather, a promise that was made to me was broken.  Now while on one hand I was willing to listen to this person's explanation, on the other hand I was furious and didn't even want to speak to them.

I'm going to be totally honest here.  I hold grudges like it's nobody's business.  Yes, yes I's childish, unhealthy, and really only holds me back from moving on because I've allowed it to become embedded in my mind.  But I continue to do it.  Why?  Possibly because I've always been expected, and told to just "let things go" or "move on."  It's not that easy for me though.  I've been told that I analyze way too much, which is true.  But I think about so many things when I'm angry.  I think about how things could've gone if I'd said something different...I think of what I would've said to "win."  I think of what I would've said if the other person had said ____________________ to me.  First impressions are the most important to me.  If you come off like a jackass to me, then that's how I'll see you for quite a while until I can see that there's been some sort of change; rather, that you're not like I thought you were in the beginning.  Same goes for the other side of the coin.  If I look up to you, totally respect you and think the world of you, and then you do something that just shatters that image that I had of you, then it will take a while before you can rebuild that with me.  People that lie to me are intentionally hurting me.  And those are the kind of people that I'd rather not talk to.

You know, I read over my last journal entry and I got to thinking.  What if the shoe were on the other foot?  Would I hold the grudge against the other person?  Absofreakinpositivealutely!  But would I want the other person to hold a grudge against me?  Ahhhhh, now THERE is the question, my adored, cherished readers.  The sword becomes double edged.  It's a double standard now. it?

See, the difference between the two situations is, first, the situation itself.  But moreso than that, is what happens after the offense has occured.  If an apology has been made shortly after the incident, and/or an explanation offered, I'd be more than willing to try to see it from the other person's point of view and, though I might still be a little miffed, I'll get over it.  But when the person acts like they don't even care, or acts like it doesn't bother them in the least to see me (whom they claim to be a "close friend") upset...then that just makes the situation worse.

I guess what it comes down to is honesty.  I'm honest with people, even if it hurts me, hurts them or hurts what we have (or had).  And, maybe I'm insane for this, but...I tend to hope that people will be honest with me as well. 

Silly fantasy?  Perhaps.  But it's mine, dag nabbit.  Mine!!

6/13/2008 11:48:59 PM
How do you make things right when you've hurt someone?  Whether it was intentional or not, the damage has been done--so how do you fix it?  Do you beg and plead...give them them things?  Do you blow it off, thinking to yourself how they should have tougher feelings and that they need to just suck it up?

If there's someone that I care about then I should never have an intent to hurt them.  If I admire them, look up to them and respect them, then I should never want to see them angry, afraid or in pain because of my actions.

I've said more than once that I am an open book.  And I am--I don't hide anything about myself from anyone.  If there's a question then I'll either answer it, or I'll tell them that I'm uncomfortable with answering that question.  But I will always give an answer.  That having been said, I will always tell the truth.  I do not see the need to lie; lying, as I may have mentioned before on a previous entry, it pointless to me--it just makes it harder to keep my "story" straight (not to mention having to put a lie on top of a lie to cover up a lie).

And, though the telling of the truth may hurt the person (or hurt them even more), it must be told.  I would say that this goes for me as well.  If someone tells me something, then I would rather for them to tell me the truth and hurt me, and let me deal with it, rather than to lie to me and make me feel good.  Naturally, as humans, we want to feel good pretty much all the time...we don't want anything to go wrong, and we don't necessarily always want to be told the truth. 

Which reminds me...why do we (some, or most of us as humans) delude ourselves?  Why do we choose to only see certain aspects of things (e.g., love/relationships, psychological or emotional awareness, politics) and shut everything else out?

Aurgh--that's an entirely different babbling session entirely.  I won't even go there.

The bottom line is, simply, that while we may hurt one another with our words or actions, it should never be intentional to those we truly care about.  And, if we get into a situation where we do hurt someone...then it needs to be fixed in whatever way works for us.  Some people deal with it differently than others.  But everyone must deal with it at one point or another.  Hurting others is damaging--not only for them, but for us as well.  Now, for all you smarty pants out there, I'm not talking about Sadism/masochism, humiliation, cbt, etc.  I'm talking about friends, those ones that we feel like we can talk to about absolutely nothing and make perfect sense all at the same time.  I'm talking about those people that we have learned to respect and adore for whatever characteristics that they have that makes them who they are.  And, if we are who and what we say we are...then we must be true to ourselves, and to others. 

Love life.  Love yourself.  Love others.

6/4/2008 8:02:46 PM

What is it about some of us that just tries to hope for things in spite of how they look?  Why do we keep looking for the "light at the end of the tunnel" when the tunnel is blocked off and the light is out of our reach?  I've been doing some thinking, and I was asking myself those questions.  I wondered when it was "okay" to let someone go and move on.  I questioned whether it was betrayal or not to turn my attention elsewhere.

I thought I knew what I wanted.  I wrote about it, I thought about it, I fantasized about it, I hoped for it.  But I couldn't have it.  So, I accepted it.  And yet, I think a part of me kept hope that pehaps things would turn around.  But when I reached forward in the dark, there was no one there to take my hand.  Oh boy...I'm feeling some poetry coming on right about now.  And so, I moved forward.  I began again, and dared to hope.  I gave in and began to enjoy myself.  But everytime I saw that familiar name, those familiar words, I wondered if I was being unfair and impatient.

When is it okay to let go and move forward?  Do we ever truly give up on people?

Have you ever had those inner (that may shift into outer) talks with yourself?  The kind where your mind is listing the pros and cons?  I do it all the time.  I look at a situation, and it's like I'm having a conversation with myself.  I'll think about something so hard and for so long that, as a means to let it sink in, I'll even verbalize it, essentially "listening" to the good and the bad to it and weigh them both.  Yes, this means that I talk to myself.

Anyway, I was thinking about the situation I was in.  Should I let go and don't even bother trying anymore?  Should I wait and see what happens (and, perhaps, gain an explanation)?  There are so many thoughts running through my mind.  But sometimes they run through so rapidly that I can't keep up.

5/23/2008 7:47:40 AM

Just today I was looking through my poetry site, and edited a piece I'd written a while back.  And I started looking at a piece and thinking that there would be no better place to post it than here.  I generally don't post my work here, but I felt that this was something that deserved to be here, if nowhere else.  Enjoy!

Owning Onyx

The world of pleasure and pain
Never trying to gain
Control in his domain
Unafraid of any vandal
Knowing what I can and can't handle

Loving the wax that drips from his candle
Teasing, hurting, scolding hot
Keeping it nasty, targeting weak spots
Restrained freely
Feeling needy but greedy
No need to be speedy
Bodies under construction
Commence the introduction
To the slightest seduction
Be the wave causing sweet commotion
Rip the ocean
No preparation potion
Just anticipation
No romantic quotations
Only sweet dictation
And hardcore salvation
Shiver at the slightest touch
Playing, taunting, double dutch
Is there such a thing as too much?
Mind the slip friction clutch
Moving onward, fast ahead
On dangerous ground we plan to tread
Command processing overhead
Expecting amazing results
The professor wisely consults
Giving his student the sweetest insults
Going, waiting for no reply
Take me off to sweet Versailles
His touch I will not deny
Strict commands I can't defy
Squeeze so gently, constricting air
The world is neither here nor there
Only skin remaining bare
For this night he has prepared
Oh, this man is debonair…
Passion thus far has begun to accrue
What this would mean I never knew
His desire presented, bold and true
Teeth exposed, my body in view
Claiming me as his own
Sitting upon his castle's throne
He is my rock of alabaster, my stone
For he is the Master
And I am the carved statue
Molded and made as his.

5/21/2008 11:45:50 PM
There's something about some of these profiles that just rub me the wrong way sometimes.  While I love to see a man with confidence, self esteem, knowledge and acceptance of who and what he is...I just don't find that "I am the ultimate Master and all women should bow at my knees" thing attractive.  I also don't find that "I know everything and can't be taught or learn anything" attitude sexy.

Thinking that he is God's gift to women really isn't something that draws me in.  So I got to thinking...what does attract me?  These are, of course, in no particular order. 

Looks, of course, because finding someone attractive to us is part of our nature.  Intelligence, because I don't want to be discussing sociological theory while they're picking their nose and looking at me like I'm stupid.  A sense of humor is crucial.  And please, please don't tell me that Masters and Doms can't have a sense of humor!  Understanding, because sometimes I need someone that can understand me--when I don't understand myself. 

Of course, there's more...I could go on and on about the little things, like being able to see the different emotions in their eyes, and the ability to give me an entire lecture without opening their mouths once, stopping me in my tracks with a single look.  Or, perhaps, how writing a simple, grammatically correct email makes me smile.  Maybe even the knowledge that they love spoof movies just as much as I do.  And it wouldn't hurt to know that they've cried on a movie or two.

But I won't go into that.  I'll save that for another day.

5/21/2008 2:09:21 PM
Despite the amount of information I listed about myself in my journal entry dated 4/14/08, it has been brought to my attention that people, for some odd reason or another, are interested in knowing even more facts about me.  So...per the request of certain ones, I happily oblige. 

I find bubble baths erotic (see journal entry dated 4/12/08).
I like to pick things up with my toes.
I find speed (think just before airplane take off) sexually stimulating.
I like to bite, particularly the shoulders.
I'm interested in learning American Sign Language.
I'm hopelessly addicted to apple juice and Jimmy Dean's pancakes (and sausage) on a stick.
I drink 2% milk because years ago, a former Master ordered me to buy some, and I haven't gone back to whole milk since.
I wear children's shoe sizes 2.5-3.5, and ladies 5-5.5.
I've masturbated (and cum, thank you very much) to my own writing.
Someday I want to have my work published, along with an audio CD of me reading it.
The only pants or shorts I own is for workout purposes.
I am in love with Dooney&Burke and Coach purses.
My dream truck (minus the es-ca-la-dee, of course) is a 20__ (insert current year HERE) Ford F-350, black on black, 24" chrome rims (spinners wouldn't hurt), extended cab, fully loaded with an incredible sound system.
I love driving manual transmission cars.
I eat hashbrowns with jelly on top (it's a sweet/salty mix thing).
I am in love with Winnie the Pooh.
I think swords are sexy.
My father made the wooden family paddle and called it "The Board of Education," which is now mine.
I wrote for my school newspaper, winning awards for Writer of the Year.
I've studied gymnastics on and off since I was 7.
I've studied, competed in and won competitions playing piano for 7.5 years, and only stopped because we moved.
If I could play any instrument, it would be a toss up between the violin, the cello and the harp.
If I could be any animal, I would be a tiger.
If I could be any mystical creature, I would be a mermaid.
I won several acting awards from high school and college, including Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress.
I've been involved in gymnastics, cheerleading, soccer, tap, jazz, ballet, piano, track, cross country, band and Girl Scouts.
I'm not a fan of peanuts but love Snickers.
I love chocolate candy but don't care for chocolate ice cream, chocolate milkshakes or chocolate milk.
I hate drinking water, but love flavored water.
I love answering questions about myself.

5/13/2008 11:06:49 PM
Two beautiful people that I have had the pleasure of knowing from USR have made their collaring official.  And I am so, so happy for them.  I truly am.

It got me to thinking though.  I have to be true to myself.  I can't settle.  I know who and what I am, and I know who and what I need.  No, I am not actively seeking.  But it does not mean that my heart doesn't ache and long for what others have.  True, I don't know what it's like between them.  True, I have plenty of opportunities to accept a collar, be it o/l or r/t.  True, I do want to be collared--there was never a question of that.  But in this day and is a matter of a plethora of things: personal safety, discretion, compatability, chemistry, sex appeal (yes, looks DO count to some degree), and so on.

Sometimes I feel like it's a bit hopeless.  Sometimes I feel like I'm too picky.

But all the time, I feel like I'm worth waiting for.

5/6/2008 6:32:56 AM

I've had some things happen in my life recently that really have made me think.  Made me think about my past, my present and my future.  If I had known then what I know now...I would've made different choices in my life.  Major choices, I mean.  Life-alternating choices.

But I'm learning.  Slowly and painfully.  Do I regret some of the decisions I've made?  Absolutely.  Would I change any of the decisions I've made?  Without a doubt.  Can I do anything about that now?  Not a chance.  So I have to take each day at a time.  Even though I feel like screaming until my voice is shattered, crying until there is no more moisture in my body and sleeping until time has passed me by, I can't.

I want my freedom in metal.

5/1/2008 7:16:09 PM

Sometimes I wonder.  At one point it seems that people are relatively easy to please...and things are going well...and then something happens, somewhere...and it's like it all goes away and becomes undone.

And then you fight wrack your brain wondering where you went wrong and how to fix it.  You wonder what they were thinking...and once you figure it out, it's like it's nearly pointless chasing them down to try to make things right.  Can we ever totally be pleasing?

Maybe sometimes the best way to be pleasing at that to back off...until they are ready. 

I think that's what I will do from this point on.  As always, I do try to be found pleasing by all...but I can't force someone to find me pleasing.  And when they don't, I don't think that sucking up to them will make it any better.  I think that, for me, the best thing for me is to remain continue to want to be pleasing.

I am not perfect...and I will forget things.  I will mess up, I will say the wrong things, I will do the wrong things.  But my heart retains that desire to be the best that I can.

4/30/2008 11:24:40 PM

My attention has been captured.
My mind has been caressed.
My soul has been bitten.
My body has been teased.

4/28/2008 11:53:21 PM
My wait is over...the countdown is done, and my mind (among other things) is being stimulated once again.

There are pieces of poetry flowing through my head--but they're so quick and so high in number that I can't keep up with them.  I start writing one thing, and then that triggers another thought, which results in a totally different piece entirely.

So, what I'll most likely do is free write my next piece.  I love free writing...some of my best work has come from free writing.  Simply put, it's just writing whatever comes to your mind.  Free writing changes for each person, in my opinion, but it's got the same basic concept.  Some people will look at food, and decide to free write about it.  Some will do nature, while others will do sex. 

Who knows what my next piece will be? It could be about incorporating food with sex while being outside and enjoying nature.  I guess we'll all have to wait and see--myself included.

I have gone to the edge of the abyss...and I eagerly anticipate drowning in it.

4/27/2008 10:51:46 PM
Oh, goodness me...I did it again, didn't I?  Well, the anticipated end to the countdown came to a very surprising early termination.  I was surprised, and very happy.

So much that I've been singing.  And dancing.  Sad, isn't it?


4/25/2008 8:13:43 AM
Tomorrow, tomorrow, it's over, tomorrow, it's only a daaaaaaaaay aaaaaaaawaaaaaaaaay!!


While I am happy about tomorrow to no extent, I am sad about something I read.  Three NYPD officers gunned down an unarmed groom on his wedding day.  I'm not going to go into the details, but I'll post the link for those that wish to see it. 

The world needs order--I have no problem admitting the police officers are an asset.  There are good, true, honest officers out there that are sincere in their oath to uphold the law, to protect and to serve.  To those officers, I give them kudos to no end, and I appreciate that.  But it would be naive for me, or anyone else for that matter, to say that there are no dirty, corrupt officers.  Many times it can be difficult to tell the two apart.

This is why I tend to avoid cops.  In what I've seen, as well as my own personal experience, I've felt that sometimes they assume much, are quick to judge, and act without thinking.  Don't get me wrong--if there's a person coming at me with an intent to kill, then by all means, I would suggest taking them down in a non-fatal way first, if possible.  And I know that many officers are trained to not to take chances, which I can also understand. 

No, I do not hate police officers.  I have known outstanding officers that I cherish, and have a sister in law that's a police officer.  I have gone to school with officers, been taught by the former Austin COP...and have been blessed by their existence.

But me, personally...if I don't know them as friends or have called on them for help, then I'd prefer not to be around them too long, if I can help it.

I won't say that this necessarily applies to this site.  After all, they can't do anything to me over the internet, so I'm not too concerned with those that I may meet here.  What I said goes for me alone, and I am not applying it to anyone else.

If this offends you, then I am sorry that it does so--but I will not take back what I said.  This is my opinion, and my opinion alone, and what you take from it is exactly that--what you take.  I do not feel the need to justify my feelings or reiterate what I've said thus far.  I meant what I said, and I have said what I meant.  Everything I feel has already been addressed in the aforementioned paragraphs.

As promised, here is a copy of the link.

4/24/2008 9:58:35 PM
2 days to go, and I can't wait.

You know, I have been reading through a few of the profiles...and I came across one that just made me raise my eyebrows.

She is young, just five years my junior.  And she is a dominant.  Don't get me wrong, when people feel that they possess certain attributes that make them "X" then that's on them.  But let me just put what I think out there.

I believe I've spoken on something similar to this before, but it just was too...interesting...not to mention it again.  This young woman says that before contacting her, the male slave must spoil her.  But they will never meet, they will never have sex, etc.  She says, and I quote: "I want your $$$$ and I want it now!!!"

Interestingly enough, the moment I go back to look at her profile, she's removed all of her photos except her main one, and has completely changed all of the information, leaving the aforementioned quote, along with an exchange of dollar signs for the letter "S.", exactly, is he supposed to spoil her?  Email her pictures of roses, diamonds and chocolates everyday? 

This is my own personal opinion, of course...and it is my journal, so this is what I think of profiles such as this:  Whether the person is 24, 44, 64...demanding to be spoiled and have people "pay tribute" to them...that is not a dominant.  That is a spoiled child, an immature person that needs validation in order to feel in control.

A true Master, Mistress, Dom or Domme does not need a slave or submissive to know who and what they are. 

Of course, that is only my teeny, tiny opinion.

Two days to go!!

4/23/2008 4:14:47 PM
3 days to go.

It's a prime number.  Enough said for today, I think.

4/22/2008 8:38:54 AM
4 days to go!  My favorite number!

Hhhmmm...why do we have favorite numbers?  Not exactly like they do anything for us, other than make us think that we have luck with them.

I'm strange when it comes to numbers.  I like even numbers, as a lot of people do.  It almost has an equality to it.  Too many people and not enough chairs leaves someone "out."  Too many chairs and not enough people leaves a feeling of wanting.

I like the volume to be on an even number.  I'd rather set the microwave to an even number and then take it out a minute early rather than to let it end on an odd number.  My favorite tv channels are even numbers:  2, 4, 12, etc. 

Oddly enough, my full name has nothing but odd-numbered words.  Go figure.  No, literally--go figure it out.   

I have soooooooo many issues--it's amazing what your mind can think of when you're waiting for someone to come back from a trip.

4/21/2008 5:32:25 AM
Oh, goodness me!  I didn't update my journal entry yesterday!  I apologize, even though I'm quite sure the vast majority of you know what comes after 7 in a countdown. 

In any case, I have five days left.  Five long days until my intellect is challenged, my imagination teased, and...well, I won't even talk about my body.

Five days...

4/19/2008 2:13:15 PM
7 days to go...

Not exactly like The Ring...but the countdown is definitely beginning.  Most of you that know me know what I'm counting down for.  If you don't, then feel free to ask.

7 days.  168 hours. 10,080 seconds.

4/18/2008 6:53:30 AM
8 days to go...

It's funny how you are looking for one thing and find another.  You're looking for the perfect red dress to match your red shoes, but you wind up finding a black dress and a red belt instead.  You're determined to find gold shoes and aren't interested in anything else, and then you see the shoes that are on sale, in your size, that have gold, olive green and brown that not only would match the outfit you're buying them for, but would match dozens of outfits. 

So the question becomes...were you, subconsciously, looking for that all along?  Were you searching to find it?  Or was it, on some level, searching for you?  Did you find it?  Or did it find you?

I know what my profile says.  I know it quite well. 

I wasn't looking for the the dress, or the shoes.  They were looking for me.

4/16/2008 10:32:14 PM
9 days to go...

Take me to the edge...of the abyss.

4/14/2008 1:47:15 PM
Many times I get email from people saying they want to get to know me better.  I thought I had quite a bit of information on my profile, but it seems that more is desired.  So here goes!!

My favorite color is black.
I pour the milk in the bowl first, then add and eat small amounts of cereal at a time (thereby avoiding sogginess).
My legs are my favorite part of my body, and my breasts come in a close second.
I absolutely love to laugh.
I have asthma, but it is seasonal and only gives me problems when there's cold weather.
I've been to New York, Canada, Michigan, Mexico, Hawaii, Florida and Louisiana.
My favorite food is Italian.
My favorite place to eat is the Olive Garden.
My second favorite place to eat is IHOP, and only because they have the best buttermilk pancakes in the world.
When I was little, I used to lie and say that I was taking a shower, bath or using the bathroom--just so I could read books uninterrupted.
I have a Bachelors degree in Sociology, with a minor in Psychology.
I get my nails and toes done every two weeks, my eyebrows waxed once a month and a pedicure once a month.
I love to swim because I love the comfort of deep water; I like holding my breath in the water, bobbing at the surface, then exhaling slowly, letting my body sink and be held by softness.
I love lava lamps.
Both of my parents were USAF.
I love cherrywood.
I love the smell of coconut, along with coconut flavoring, but I hate the taste of actual coconut.
I think motorcycles are sexy.
I love to travel.
I will not eat ANY type of hot cereal (grits, cream of what, oatmeal, etc.).
I will not eat any kinds of soggy (or get-soggy-quick) foods, save French toast and pancakes.
I absolutely LOVE accents.  

4/12/2008 8:55:39 PM
I am the kind of person that has a big heart.  I care about people sincerely.  I truly cried when one of my fellow sisters in bondage, from this site, passed away.  I get angry when my friends are mistreated.  I am sad when they are sad.  I sympathize when they are hurt.

As I have said many times before, I am an honest person.  I do not lie, as I do not see the need to.  I expect people to be honest with me, just as I am honest with them.

I have extremely limited patience with shady people, and I do NOT tolerate liars.

4/10/2008 8:05:54 PM

Heat that surrounds my entire being
Serenity seeping down into my soul
Penetrating the skin, muscles, bone
Lightening my body, floating away

Nipples hardening without control
Toes curling with relaxation
Fingertips stretching out to feel
Eyes closing in pure ectasy

I need this
I want this
I crave this
I deserve this

There is no one else needed
There is no requirement for the outside
There is nothing better than the here and now
There is nothing better than IT

Rolling about, enveloping myself
Submerging the innermost parts
Goosebumped flesh tingling
Moaning at the pleasure surrounding me

Candlelight bathing the room in light
Gentle scents tease my nose
Silence holding me in my place
So, so sensual

Yes...there is nothing better...than this.
The best...
The best...
The best...
Bubble bath

Get ya mind out the gutter.

4/9/2008 3:59:56 PM
I recently got an email from a male sub.  I have absolutely nothing against getting emails from other subs/slaves, male or female.  That's not what this is about. 

Most of you that actually read my profile know that, at the very top, I request that the entire profile be read for the best response.

Well...this email (which was one of many) said, to begin with, "I'm not reading all of that crap."

C'mon now. 

It gets better.  Oh, believe gets better.  I got the "You're hot" compliment.  After that, I got the heart-warming, pussy-wetting message that said, "I wanna be your slave.  Let's have babies together."


And there I was...about to turn Domme and collar him.  Sheesh.  So much for the good ones.

Um...let's be real for a moment.  I like intelligent conversation with a person that knows how to be funny as well.  I don't try to impress people with what I know, and I'm not impressed with peoople who claim to know everything. to me...we don't have to discuss physics, but I don't care much for the one-liner "I wanna be your Master--let's hook up" kind of emails.

Besides...I find a mixture of intelligence and humor sexy.

3/28/2008 10:52:35 AM

This was written by EdgeOfTheAbyss, who is here on CM. I did ask His permission to post this, and He granted it.  I read this on His profile, and I was laughing so hard that I was literally wiping away tears.  Enjoy!

You Know Your Date Is Incredibly Nilla If:

You hand him a collar and leash, suggestively, and he says "I didn't know you raised Great Danes".
You mention the word "Gor", and he thinks it's that Klingon character from Star Trek.
You show him a coil of fine hemp rope, and he goes "yeehaw...we're going to the rodeo!"
He thinks "sadism" is another word for manic-depressive melancholia.
You tell him you're a masochist, and he says "well honey, ah wanna maso-kiss you right on yo' lips"
You hand him a paddle, and he tells you that he's never gone kayaking.
He thinks "Total Power Exchange" is a trading bourse for blue-chip companies specialising in the sale and manufacture of industrial electrical generators.
You tell him that you have an interest in water sports, and he repeats that he's never gone kayaking.
He thinks the Marquis de Sade is that "chick singer who sang 'No Ordinary Love'".
He's never owned a leather greatcoat in his life.
He's all for slavery, provided they "don't hurt those poor, oppressed people".
You mention the word "shibari", and he starts folding coloured paper squares into birds and rabbits.
He doesn't WANT to own a leather greatcoat in his life.
He doesn't WANT to go kayaking, either.
He doesn't view wooden spoons as having ANY possible dual usage.
Or hairbrushes for that matter.
You show him a pair of handcuffs, and he launches into a lengthy explanation about why he didn't report himself to the Police for banging the fender of his neighbour's car.
You proudly display your kitchen to him, and show him all the lovely spatulas, carving knives, serving forks, frozen grapes, oven-heated spoons, and body-accommodating work-tops, and he can still find NO good reason, as to why anyone would even consider having sex in there.
Despite your protestations to the contrary, he STILL thinks you're working undercover for his neighbour.
After you explain to him that the Klingon on Star Trek is Worff, he says "ah...I knew it. Gor was that little red-bearded dwarf in The 'Lord of the Rings'".
He admits to enjoying Britney Spears' music.
He's even danced to it.
He thinks that riding crops can only be used during equestrian sports.
You bring up the topic of "bondage" and he says " and my mates do that male bondage thing, all the time. We always meet up for a beer after work."
You swat him on the ass with the paddle, and he STILL fails to realise that you weren't referring to kayaking, earlier on.
He doesn't know anyone who has a dark, dank basement.
He has NO idea what said basement could possibly be used for.
He thinks "fisting" is a form of bare-knuckle boxing.
You tell him that you have a clit-ring, and he asks you if it hurts.
He's all for strictness, "as long as the parents don't emotionally hurt those little children".
He calls you "baby" 15 minutes into the date.
He habitually wears Mickey Mouse suspenders, instead of a broad, rawhide belt.
His voice doesn't have the slightest growl to it when you tell him that you fuck on first dates.
He agrees to spank you, only after you sign an agreement with him that indemnifies him from "possible legal complexities".
He thinks that pulling you by your hair is "bound to spoil that perfectly-coiffed look" you have.
When you tell him you don't mind having your hair pulled, he still feels obligated towards your hairdresser for not spoiling the fruits of her labour.
He thinks a "nipple clamp" is a wrestling lock.
He thinks that your flogger is an implement for swatting flies, that you picked up during your travels to Africa.
You tell him that you want him to hurt you, and he starts babbling on about "emotional distress".
You lapse into an embarrassed silence at your openness at telling him you want him to hurt you, and he makes NO move to yank your panties off you, there and then.
He picks up your flogger and aims it at the housefly that's been buzzing around, annoyingly.
He suddenly jumps up, yells "Eureka!" and says "NOW I remember, that dwarf wasn't named 'Gor' after all. That funny-looking guy who MADE the rings in the first place was!"
He still doesn't want to go kayaking...neither does he want a leather greatcoat...and as for giving up wearing suspenders? THAT is a DEFINITE no-no.
Run, woman. QUICKLY.

3/22/2008 10:02:16 PM
I was in the room the other day, and we were discussing online and offline (rt) collars.  Though many people do not see the point in online collars, or recognize it as a collar at all, I understand that it does not work for everybody.  It works well for some, whereas it is silly to others.  And I respect other people's opinions.  Now let me give mine.  *smile*

To me, a collar is a collar.  Whether it is online or offline is irrelevant, simply because it works the same way, in almost every aspect.  Granted, this can only happen when true submission is in the heart.  As I have written in one of my previous journals, I can obey without submitting...but I can not submit without obeying.  That said, I believe that when tru submission is in the heart, it does not matter if the Owner is two feet away, or two thousand miles away.  If I choose to submit, then I submit.  If I am told to do something, then I obey.  If I am told not to do something (or given a punishment), then I abide by what I have been told.  I believe it should be that way with all that serve, regardless of whether their Owner is online and miles away, or in the next room.

Hhhmmm...but what do I know?  I'm just a girl.

3/15/2008 2:45:01 PM

This journal entry is not so much an entry as it is a tribute to someone that loved me...someone that loved my son...someone that loved her friends...and someone that was, undoubtedly, loved by all. 

My dear, sweet sister sultrey...we never got to hear one anothers' laughter.  We never got to tickle one another's toes.  We never got to braid one another's hair.  We never got to laugh at each other as HRH sprayed us during a diaper change.  While I never held you in my arms to hug you, or pressed my lips to your cheek with affection, know that you captivated my heart in a number of ways.  You made me laugh, you made me cry but most importantly you made me love you just as you were.  Sleep sweetly, my sister and rest, for your pain is over now, and your body is free.   Your little one smiles and laughs now, and I believe that your love is in his laughter.

Missing You

Smile for me again.
I miss your face.
The familiar map of your emotions.
I can only use my words to talk to you.
Always in my mind, I see you.
Memories, branded with happiness.
Heart filled with love.
I miss you.
Somewhere you see me.
Everywhere I love you.
Your arms.
My fortress.
Retreats to my safety zone.
Protection from the world of pain.
But you are not here to comfort me.
I miss you.
Laughter gone silent.
Smiles turned stone.
Advice now unheard.
But hope still remains.
To see you, to love you.
One day.
I miss you.

3/15/2008 6:59:08 AM
I saw a profile yesterday that made me raise my eyebrows.  It was a female dominant and she was beautiful.  Yes, I'm woman enough to admit it when another woman is hot.  *laughs*  So anyway, I read through her profile, and about the second or third line I read, "Yes, I'm better than you."  Okalie dokalie.  Now c'mon...those of you that have been reading my journal entires thus far should know that reading stuff like that sends a little electric shock down my spine.  Who are we to say that we are better than another?  Is it because we feel that we are more attractive?  Is it because we feel that we are more financially stable than they are?  Bigger breasts?  A bigger penis?  I have no clue!!  In all honesty, I wonder what would happen if she, God forbid, were to fall on really hard times.  Would she still be better than me or any other slave/submissive?  I don't know...maybe that's just something that bothers me and only me, but I think that you should let someone else praise you...don't praise yourself.  There's a difference between being confident in who you are, what you look like and what you can do...and plain arrogance or being egomaniacal.  Hhhmmm...oddly enough, I wrote a piece a while back called "Don't Think."  Maybe she should read it...

3/13/2008 11:02:36 AM
How do you make a decision?  Do you think about it, analyze it, then re-analyze it, then discuss it with others before you make the decision?  What if you have to choose between following what is in your mind, and what is in your heart?  Then what?  Or better yet, what about if there is someone involved that you don't feel you're on the best terms with, but would still have to tolerate and respect if you made your decision based on not them, but another person?  Gosh...that's a lot of  questions.  And what if you feel rushed into making a decision by someone?  Sometimes the mind and the heart are so mixed's crazy.  I can think of a thousand reasons to say yes...and only a hundred to say no.  It comes down to a happy medium...a solid line between heart and mind.  It comes down to me being true to myself.  I am the one that must live with my decision.  I am the one must explain it, if needed.  *sigh*  Decisions can be...horrible, horrible things. 

3/12/2008 9:14:38 AM

The Human   ****  
The heart burns, like fire welled up inside a bottle that can't get out...
The mind desires, like David and Bathsheba, an urge that I can't deny...
The breasts ache, like running a thousand miles and stopping for air I can't do without...
The ears hear, like hearing my name and answering, "Master, here am I"...
The bajingo burns, like lava flowing down below the solid rock that is my skin...
The thighs desire, like licking my lips after seeing my favorite ice cream...
The flesh aches, like remembering the times I came over and over way back when...
The soul hears the sound of a chained leash tugging against the collar in my happiest dreams.

3/12/2008 12:42:03 AM

Someone recently asked me what I was looking for in a Dom.  I replied, and I quote: "Well, I'm not actually looking for a Dom, per se.  But if I were...I'd be looking for someone that could accept me...for me.  Who can accept and tolerate (to a certain degree) my silliness, appreciate my sense of humor, laugh at my lame jokes, all while having the firm hand to make me know that when it comes down to it, he means business.  He accepts me, as I accept him...and, if collared, I am molded into his jewel without breaking the generality of the gem that I am (if that makes sense)."  Now, because I wrote about me first...does not make me any less of a person.  It does not make me any less of a submissive.  It does not make the fire within me burn any less.  It is simply...the truth.  ***  Speaking of truth...I was discussing it with someone via email.  And we agreed--truth is essential.  There's no point in hiding things, is there?  That just means that you have to lie more in order to keep up with your original story, which could get pretty darn confusing (lol).   ***  Moving right along...I have a MAJOR question for anyone reading my journal.  Why are we here, if not to respect other people for what they believe in??  Is it your place to judge another, or tease and taunt them, or make fun of them solely because of what they choose to do, or how they choose to live?  Do you look down your nose at someone because they were born male and choose to dress as female?  Or because they ask permission to enter and leave a chatroom?  Or even, perhaps, because they choose to live like an animal in the sense of a cage, an eating/drinking dish, a leash and collar, etc.?  Not one single person on this website has the power and authority to judge another, be it Master, Dom, Mistress, Domme, sub, slave, whatever.  We're here on this site because we have some form of kink, one way or another.  Whether it's matter...there is no reason for us to make fun of another person because of what they believe in.  This is not to say that you must agree with what they are doing or accept it for yourself.  But it is decent, common courtesy to respect it.  We all want to be respected, and should respect in turn.  True maturity is when you can disagree with something someone does, or a way a person is, and still be able to respect them for who they are and what they do.  Let's grow up now.               *Note*           Let me say right now that I do not mean any disrespect whatsoever in this journal entry.  But I am serious about what I said, and will not apologize for it.

3/7/2008 8:04:29 AM
I've found myself finding my way back to Gor.  I've had some beautiful experiences, and seen some beautiful things about those that follow the Gorean philosophy and way of life.  I thought that I'd left that part of me, that need to be that kajira.  I was once told that I was not a slave because I did not have a Master.  In the beginning, I fought against it, saying that yes I was--I was too a slave!  The group I discussed it with went back and forth...yes I was, no I wasn't, yes I was, no I wasn't...and so forth.  It wasn't just me--it was others too.  And I was most certain that I was right--that it was what was in the heart that mattered.  Things shattered a bit for me when I was told by a Master that the other was correct; that I, indeed, was not a slave because I did not have a Master.  It stung quite a bit.  It felt like a slap to the face.  And not the good kind.  When I read what was written...I cried.  I literally sat at my computer and cried.  It hurt so much that something that I loved, represented myself as and craved to be...was not even real--all because I was uncollared.  But you know what?  I can see it in myself.  I can see the burning, and the desire, and the need to be found pleasing.  I can see the exquisite beauty and absolute obedience within myself.  it is taking time for me to ease my way back into it.  As they say, "use it or lose it."  I feel that I have to learn all over again...though the passion is there, I feel like I need to start from the beginning.  And so...I shall.

3/3/2008 11:21:52 AM
When someone is offended, or you know you haven't made the most wonderful first impression, how many times can you say that you're sorry before you give up?  Is there such as thing as saying "I'm sorry" too much?  And how do you know that when, if ever, that person accepts your apology, that the matter is done and over with?  Will they still harbor something within themselves, always remembering that first time you disappointed or insulted them?  My mind races with these questions.  For some reason, poetry is beginning to spring up in I feel the need to write a new piece based solely on an experience I had today.  Oddly enough, I don't have any apologetic-style pieces on my poetry site.  This would be a first.  And, possibly, a last.

2/17/2008 1:28:04 PM
I wrote a journal entry on Valentine's day addressing someone that wasn't allowed to speak to other Doms because she was collared.  I came across another profile that was similar. 

She writes: "Please do not attempt to contact me.  I am in training with a Dom, whom I adore, and he prohibits me from contacting any other Doms." 

*sighs*  I can't entirely understand it. But if it works for them, then okie dokie, artichoke. 

2/16/2008 9:14:17 AM
I absolutely had to write this journal entry before leaving the house.  I came across a profile today that made my heart skip a beat.  And, when I saw that He viewed my profile as well, I smiled, honored that He did so. 

As a writer, I imagine the scene I am writing, and I imagine me in it.  If I can't see it, I can't write it. I wrote a story a while back that I never quite finished because of personal things getting in the way.  But after viewing His profile...reading His words...seeing His face...I have the urge to complete the story.  It's amazing to me how a profile of a person can inspire writing.

While I already know that I would not be what He is looking for, I was completely taken by what I read.  And, should He ever come across my profile again and read this journal entry, then He knows who He is.  I believe that He is confident in Himself and in His ability to train, teach, lecture, etc.  I rarely say this about people, but I believe this Man to a be a true and complete Master.  I have never met Him, and likely never will, but for a brief moment, I was His.

2/14/2008 11:20:40 AM
Hhhmmm...this is interesting.  I came across a profile, and the girl was extremely happy to be collared.  And, of  course, my best goes to them.  But I read something in her introduction that struck a nerve. 

She writes: "Of course this means I cannot speak w/ any other Masters or Doms now."

Now, here's my question:  If a Master and his slave, or a Dom and his sub have a good relationship going, and are confident in their decision to be together and are strongly bonded together as the metal in her collar, then why isn't she allowed to talk to other Doms and Masters?  I really don't understand that.  To me, that goes beyond domination.  That's pure control and, in my opinion, a little bit of insecurity on his part.  If I am wrong, then I'll happily discuss it with someone that has another opinion.  But I don't agree with not being able to talk to others.  Play with them, I can understand.  But talk?  Makes me question the whole thing.

1/28/2008 5:20:26 PM
I have recently gotten requests about the type of writing that I do.  I write short stories and poetry, and on occasion I just "blind write."  That is, it is neither intended to be poetry nor a story, but just random thoughts that are in my head.  Oddly enough, the majority of my blind writings turn out to be some of my poetry pieces.  Some of them have a BDSM understone, whereas some take on a more simple style.  Yes, I have them on a website.  Should you desire the website address, just shoot me an email and I'll be more than happy to oblige your request.

1/18/2008 4:29:18 PM

It has been several months since my last journal entry.  But I write nonetheless.

I have, somewhat, taken a step back and examined several things about myself.  My love for the Gorean way of life has not waned; rather, I have just come to realize that it seems like (at least for the moment) my participation in it, and living of it to the fullest of my ability, are somewhat impractical for my life.  Yes, it sounds silly.  Yes, it sounds ridiculous.  Yes, it sounds childish.  And, most likely, yes--it does sound confusing.

I suppose that, at this point, I'm like the outsider looking in.  I see the beauty.  I see the service.  I see the happiness and contentment within it.  But, at the present moment, I cannot have it. 

That's a long story in terms of elaboration.

But a story worth telling to the ears willing to listen.


Let me also include this into this entry, as it was recently the topic of one of my more interesting conversations.  A female dominant sent me a message simply stating, "Hello slut."  I, having taken the word "slut" as a term of endearment, replied with a respectful greeting, body and closing.  I was responded to with the following message: "GET ON YOUR KNEES BITCH AND START KISSING MY BUTT." what does one make of such a message?  I simply began with a greeting, and a disclosure statement letting her know that I meant, in no way, any disrespect in my message.  However, I did make it known (respectfully of course) that I was a man's submissive, and did not know her--as well as she did not know me.  Once again I reiterated that I meant no disrespect, wished her well, and respectfully closed out my message.  I was told, in the next message, that all of that was about to change, as I was now hers.  Interesting.  Again, I greeted her, had my disclosure of no intentional disrespect at the top, and questioned how she intended to change who and what I am by an electronic message.  And, of course, that we were miles apart.  I closed out my message with respect and signed my name. 

Now, was I wrong with such a message?  I would certainly think not.  Just because women or men consider themselves slaves or submissives does not automatically subject them to any type of verbal abuse, does it?  Understandably, should that person specifically state in their email that they are into humiliation and want replies to come in such a manner, then so be it.  But I wouldn't think that this particular type of message would be something to catch the affectionate attention of someone.  But perhaps I'm wrong...

I think that I'll eliminate the rest of the conversation between the lady and myself.  Most will understand where the conversation went.  Or didn't for that matter.

2/15/2007 7:43:17 PM

I have been posting in the Gorean forums now for a little while, and have FINALLY gotten past the Vanilla ice cream cone!  YAY ME!!  Anyway, as I post in the forums, I find myself checking out the profiles of posters more and more.  And I must admit, I long for what they have.  Not just a would want that kind of understanding, that he IS Master, and I AM slave, and nothing will change that.  He may allow me things, and give me things for my enjoyment and pleasure...but with the understanding that he can just as easily take them away.

I think I'm babbling.  Okay, time for an example.  I've always had most things, in some form or another, the way I wanted them.  The only daughter of my parents, the baby of my family, and the second child with one older brother...I was used to being spoiled.  I was used to getting things my way.  Even growing up and going through college, then getting married...I still had most things my way.  Shoot, to be honest...I still get things my way.   But years ago, I was put into a situation where, for a while,  I didn't get my way.  But there turned out to be pleasure in me not getting my way, even though I hated the person witholding what I wanted most at the moment--freedom.  But I fought it longer and longer, and was finally able to get my way and allowed to leave. 

So I suppose what it comes down to is this: I'm used to having my way, and perhaps what I need (someday) is NOT being able to.  Well, at least it makes sense in my head...

*kicks her legs while thinking as she sits on the chair* 

1/30/2007 5:15:37 PM

I am new to this site (more or less), but not new to writing.  Whether it's poetry, stories, or journal entries...writing is definitely my passion.

There are so many people here, with ideas like mine, fantasies like mine, needs like mine.  The Gorean forums have become a sort of salvation for me, and I am already learning.  I keep seeing the little "vanilla" icon by my name, and it drives me nuts--I want to get past that point and just be able to loosen up a bit (but not too much) and learn to 

Ah...yes...just being in the forum discussions, and seeing the different people that share the Gorean ways gives inspiration to write new pieces.  I find myself wanting to scratch some of my old stories, like the one on my 360 page, and start all over from a Gorean point of view. 


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