CullenAlcarz

Male Dominant, 31, ringgold, Georgia

Male Submissive, 47, San francisco, California

Male Switch, 28, tampa, Florida

To expound on a previous journal entry wherein I quoted "All suffering comes from desire", I have noticed a few other forces at work in my life recently, related to that concept that I would like to share.? This is probably more egoism than usefully informative, but here goes, all the same. First off, I postulate that the converse is also true; ergo "from all suffering comes desire".? For at the very least, one who is suffering desires freedom from the discomfort , regardless of the source or their connection thereto.? I feel that we as humans often instinctively separate our suffering from its origin, thus applying our focus to making the pain go away instead of resolving the situation. For instance, consider the spouse who remains in a painful, even abusive, relationship because, "oh, things will change" or "this last 10 years has just be a rough time, it will get better", rather than leaving the relationship.? Same can be said for unproductive/unfulfilling jobs and so on.? We bemoan the suffering, not the situation that brings us to it. I choose not to address those who seek out these negative situations.? We have all known these people, some of us have even _been_ these people from time to time.? My point for omitting this from my discourse? I can hardly label that true "suffering", when it is what the person desired in the first place.? Drama-seekers revel in the chaos it brings, and therefore it's displeasure is largely mitigated.? This, along with the fact that I have _no_ reference of tools to offer for solutions means I will skip pontificating on the fact. The other thing that I have recently noticed is at least true for myself, if not others.? I have learned that my deeper depressive, manic moments come when I've a strong desire for something important, but no idea what that something is.? Ever had the "I'm craving something specific for dinner, but can't place it" moments?? Well, this is like that, run through a step-up transformer a few thousand cycles. When I hit these troughs, I am suddenly awash in all of the other negative situations that have been neatly filed away for the previous several months to a year or two.? Even loss, every wrong done to or by me, every negative blow of any kind crashes over me like some malicious tsunami.? And I suffer... and I desire, desperately, for whatever experience it is that my soul is crying for, but the part that actually _knows_ the name is decidedly not telling.? So I wail, I hew, I sob, and I rail against the noisy silence in my mind.? Eventually, a day or two after the emotional exhaustion takes it tolls, when I'm too tired to think... Then... THEN I figure it out.? But rarely before.? My brain taunts me, and I am convinced that some higher power finds it funny.

"It makes the brain baby kick!"-the Tick, upon his first headache

Spock was wrong. There, I said it.  Mister Spock, not Doctor Spock, though he's a whack job all his own. "Having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting; it is illogical but it is also true." Drek.  Want the truth of the human condition? Try this: "All suffering comes from desire."  Now we're getting somewhere.  In my life, I have dared to let myself truly _want_ but a few things, but those few I desired with all of my heart.  To be a husband  and father, primarily.  You can thank Homeland Security and crooked immigration lawyers for wresting that away from me in true American fashion.  After my 9yo was deported back to Canada, and my wife had to return to Ontario to see to him.  I promised myself never to desire again.  Simply not worth the energy it consumes. Anything less eco-friendly than desire?  All-consuming, yet never produces a tangible end product.  So, from time to time, I get the odd message from subs, slaves, and/or switches, of both genders, on this site.  They invariably seek to "fulfill my desires" and effuse false worship and praises, knowing nothing more about me than what meager info my profile provides. They miss one point: under the "seeking" portion of my profile.  I seek nothing but friends, and that half-heartedly.  No matter how talented you are as a submissive, you cannot fulfill desires I do not have.  And you bloody sure cannot dredge up new desires in me with your first message.  So, be content with a good chat for a few weeks, or bugger off.  The choice (and desires) are yours.

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