I want the abuse to be staggered over time. I am not ready to have it all upon me at one go. As the time would pass (years), I want the intensity to increase and I do not put an upper limit to it. Years later, I see myself becoming very careless about a  lot of things and would be open to almost anything (I am still open to almost anything but the intensity will be very high in the future). I do have some ideas about what becomes of me in those years that I cannot explain or even mention here but all that is years years away. I had a few words with a few ppl here but they were not ready to wait for that long and wanted it all to be done and dusted with soon, (some in 24 hours, others in about 6 months). Naturally, I had to tick these ppl off even though I might have continued talking to them.

I have received a lot of messages asking me why I am not meeting them. I understand that someone will feel disappointed after not making it through even after exchanging a few messages with me. But the point of that conversation was to see the mental breakup of that man. I am quite shocked to see that some men are looking to hack a female in a span of less than 24 hours. They talk about amputation, pouring acid in the eyes/ears, knifing the eyes out, smashing the jaw and hitting the backbone and all this in the first day itself. I hope these men never ever find a woman naive enough to live with them.

The biggest misnomer in the BDSM world is the word "No Limits". I cannot explain this enough that "No Limits " does not mean "No Limits" even for a "No Limits" slave and even if she/he says she/he has "No Limits". There is an invisible, intangible bond between the master and the slave or between the sadist and the masochist that remains established at all times, even in the most hardcore and the most rampaging moments. It just can't be explained.

I would receive no enjoyment, sexual or otherwise, if I was being used by someone unknown to me or not likable to me. The pleasure is when you know that the person who is using you is very close to you and is deriving pleasure out of all this.

I regard myself as very close to being a "No Limits" female, caveat included. But This aspect of human life is such that no matter how hardcore you may be, and no matter how many years you have spent in this lifestyle, there will be something that will shock you. I have seen (in video as well as live) some pretty heavy and extreme play but I still keep getting surprised and numbed by a few things once in a while.

Many of the Dom's here are not ready to get in sync with a woman's desires. They just want to impose themselves and when one does not agree, they just start abusing.

It is extremely crucial for them to understand that an effort must be made to see what a woman wants, this part hold true in the vanilla world as well as in the M/s world. It might be fair to say that in a proper M/s relationship, the slave is the latent master in the nascent stage of the relationship. The wannabe Dom's are just not ready to understand this thing. Interestingly, most of these wannabe Dom's are not in their 20s and 30s, but in their 50s and 60s. The younger ones were far more flexible.

I even have doubts about the veracity of the many claims made by the older Dom's. Some say they have had 20 slaves so far, some have had half a dozen slaves and all of them were ready for even amputations, some have fried the ovaries of their slaves, many times over. Jesus.

Very very few of the Dom's here make sense. It may appear to be a long oxymoron but I was/am looking for a hardcore, intelligent, creative, kinky, methodical, clinical, cruel, knowledgeable sadist. I was/am not looking for my death master.

I want to experience near death experiences but that does not imply an actual death.

I want to try risky tasks but that does not mean that I can be stabbed in my heart or given a 1000 volt shock.

I want to be a real punching bag but not to my death.

"No Limits" does not mean "No Limits".

I am well aware that such abuse will mean damages to my body but I am ready to accept that damage only as collateral damage and not as the result of a direct action. This may be contradictory to some but I do not care. I am a difficult person to understand and I am built this way.

I am about to drive to meet someone in a few hours and I hope it all goes well and ends my search.

To all those who were interested in me, thanks for your time and effort and I hope you will soon find a play partner. (But these wishes do not extend to those 24 hours executioners.). I wish them their own execution by a super sadist.

I am going out to meet someone today, hope it all goes well.

My schedule for next few days:

25th March - No 1 suitor. (He wants to remain anonymous).

26 - 27th March - Malaga, Spain.

30th March - Austria (I do not know how would I manage that).

Beyond that I do not dare see.

I have a feeling that the cake would be baked good in one of these visits.

If you sent me a message and saw the read receipt but did not get a reply then please do not ask me aggressively or rudely as to why I did not reply. I owe you nothing to be questioned like this.

Mostly, the reason of not replying is one of the follows:-

1. The tone of the message.

2. Far too much care shown (a sign of so much negatives).

3. Wrong choice of nouns for me (you know which ones).

4. A very defensive style.

5. An offer of money (subtle or direct).

6. Asking me to give you a detailed explanation about my past or my most exotic experiences or other similar requests.

7. Asking me to just pack my bags and come to you (I have had more than just 1 such messages).

8. Asking me redundant questions. Better to read my profile and the journal once again.

9. Far too many grammatical and spelling mistakes. If English is not your first language and if you can't even write in it properly, chances are you would suck at speaking it. In that case, it would be a disaster waiting to happen were we to get into something serious. I would say something and you would understand something totally different. This is not a deal breaker but please try to make some sense in your message to me.

10. I just did not feel like replying. Full stop.

I am sure some people know that I do not ignore messages. But I can not and will not reply to those messages which display a lower level of intelligence and a distinct hint of over excitement.

Been a good day, I have been in touch for a few days with someone who appears to have almost the same tastes as mine, sadistically. It was like talking to a mirror image. I would also mention someone who lives in Eastern Europe, another one in Spain,  someone who is touring all the time, someone who is in Bristol, who are almost equally wonderful persons. But this one is nearer, much much nearer. Of course, I am yet to decide anything.

Sample:-

" Would you be up for spending a day with me one weekend? I could pay if you wanted? I'm ideally looking for someone who's into humiliation and rough degrading sex. Are you keen? "

What do you think was my answer? I did reply to this man (All of 23).

I am getting some really senseless and crappy messages. I will not be replying to those ones. If you messaged me and did not get a reply, take that as a NO. Do not ask for explanations or get threatening. You can't harm me one ounce. Stop threatening me by calling me fake or arrogant or frivolous.

I am really angry right now.

I talked to someone in USA and he would tell me nothing about himself, his place, his exp, his needs. He offered to pay for all my expenses and wanted me to come to him without any ado. He kept saying that what he needs will remain a mystery and would be unraveled only when I am in his company. He kept insisting that he offers a unique situation and I must use this chance. Well, I decided to let go of it.

Firstly, I was just not ready to relocate so abruptly and he wanted me to join him in a matter of days.

Secondly, it had too much of suspense to my liking.

I am sure there is no woman (or even a man) who would relocate just like that.

Even if a no limits, ultra masochistic female slave was offering to host a sadist to torture her ruthlessly (and even get paid for it), I am sure no sadist would agree for it unless there was some communication beforehand.

I have had messages and chat invites from numerous people ever since I have joined CM. I have tried to diligently reply to every meaningful and genuine message but a few conversations have ended rather tamely. Some have simply not been clued in about me and some are very excited to begin with but back off when we go into deep waters.

I have had talks with many sadists here and only very  few of them have sounded genuine and capable to me. As of now, I have a few sadists (5) in my list. I will be meeting them in the about 3 weeks time. I am sure they all wud come good, I hope to have a tough time in committing to one of them.

And it seems that I might need to find an efficient European Travel Agency since my list has names that live in different countries altogether in Europe.

I forgot to mention it in my profile so let me add it here.

I am about to separate from by boyfriend in about a month. He does not know this yet, I will give him a jolt and ask him to move out of my house. He was/is a nice man and has a great sexual ability and libido but I did not get with him for it. My ex hubby too was great in the bed and I still left him. My bf IS a sadist and not a moderate one. But he is now planning a long term relationship with me and while I am flattered by that, I do want my maso needs to be fulfilled. He cant do that. Far too much attached to me to do anything significant to me.

Pls dont ask me this thing again in your messages.

Pls read my profile with some focus and less excitement. I typed all that stuff for a reason.