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Female Submissive, 39, Tempe, Arizona
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Female Submissive, 19
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Female Submissive, 22
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About kissedbyfate2
Howdy~
I've entered into the Twilight Zone... we'll see what crawls out from the desert after the sun goes down ;)
What I like about profiles is that if you don't like what you did the first time, you can do it over. So... here's my do-over.
Sometimes I think I don't know anymore exactly what I'm looking for. I thought I knew, but then things changed and then they were shelved. It has to be okay. Sometimes not having control sucks completely. Sometimes having to take control sucks even more.
So... Me.
I just turned 50 Dec 09; I am a BBW, single slave-wired submissive who has been alone since, well, forever. I have about 13 years real life experience, 5 under collar. Skills are really rusty, but desire is present. I am a medium protocol kinda girl - it's always there to some degree; not really something I think about. I'm not a pain slut, but more of an escalating masochist... the more I get, the more I want. There's nothing like a nice thuddy flogging to warm the heart, is there?
My whole life is about change right now - something I can't seem to escape. I keep hearing that change is good, but sometimes I don't believe it. And so...
I am seeking a single, monogamous, local dominant male, 45-55 or so, tall, intelligent, funny and warm. Steady employment and a grown-up sense of fiscal responsibility would be good too.
(I am NOT looking for a Sugar Daddy, but someone who can pick up a dinner check once in a while would go a long way with me...)
I should warn you that I am a homebody - I'd rather stay in and watch a movie than go out to do it... some seem to think that is a bad thing. I prefer to think of it as cozy. If you're looking for a party type person, it's not me. That being said, I am not looking for online anything either... meet me in the middle, and we'll be fine...
Best regards,
~fate
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I miss the voice. Not just the voice...The VOICE. The one that wakes me up inside, that hugs me when I cry, spanks me when I need it and holds me up when I think I can't take anything more from life. I thought I had the voice... but I was mistaken.
It's hard not to believe that I have become what I am (whatever that is, really) because I lack that voice in my life... I feel a failure, a weakness of spirit, because I can't identify the voice in myself either. We all have that voice inside, in varying degrees, and I can't find mine anymore.
I don't think I even remember what The Voice feels like.
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March 17, 2011
I am finally all the way back, I think... Now I can start thinking of good things again. Breathing space is wonderful.
Hope y'all are well.  |
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I really don't know what it is that I always do wrong... I think someone might be interested, we talk... he disappears... if he comes back, the story is that it was me that disappeared, he's been right there (yeah right)...
Perhaps I am not cut out for this, not anymore. But if I am not, what can I do with the residual feelings I have; the needs that arise with no sane outlet? So much for being reckless, I suppose... it is something I am so...not. (I can't even fake it well, obviously.) Some of the people who contact me scare the hell out of me, and there's no way I'd ever think of even speaking with them - there has got to be a better way than this to find someone compatible, right? Even talking to someone over months and months doesn't guarantee that he will be compatible, or even find me good enough to support interest...
Guess that's why my choices end up being mostly solo ones... I know I'm compatible with myself, and don't have to deal with someone else's expectations of who I should have been.. and they don't have to put up with mine.
The downside is that they are very lonely choices.
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I am detached and quite lost in my own, unused life. I thought, perhaps naively, that my true life would find me again quickly, after things settled down a bit. It hasn?t. What has returned to me, surprisingly, is desire for the darker flavors of the life I used to know. The longing for the pain and pleasure that once defined the best part of me ? the ignored part that deserted me ? is rising again. But what of it? I have no kindling for that fire; no hearth for the flames. The wood may be piled, but at present, it is wet and useless.
Perhaps the way to feel again is to be something I?ve never been ? reckless. I?ve always been the one to take the safe road home, to sit on the sidelines, to run for the closet when it thunders? I?m tired of it. I long for something that makes my body thrum, my blood burn ? something that will allow me to see myself through new eyes. I long to know what being truly bold feels like ? to be brash and colorful and dangerous ? and to fall at my own feet in adoration of who I am? I?ve done that to others; I want to know what it feels like for myself, dammit.
I want to really understand that this life is mine to keep, or mine to destroy; mine to fly to the clouds, or drag through the mud? To feel with everything that I am, to feel everything that I can? To finally live my life for me, I guess, instead of feeling I must give it to everyone else.
So here?s to the blade that holds my attention, and my own reflection in it. Here?s to the flame that licks at my skin and the heat that follows it. Here?s to telling my heart to fuck off and living like I don?t have one. Here?s to feeling anything at all, finally.
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 Where does the line start to form for a new outlook?
*sighs* |
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I've been in baby freakout mode lately. (I hide it well, for the most part...) My birthday is coming up - my fiftieth. Jeebus, when did the other 49 years whiz by? I don't remember them...
Do I have to turn 50? Can I just begin aging backwards or something? I've done absolutely NOTHING I wanted to do by this time in my life - hell, my life isn't the life I thought I'd have by this age... I guess I have to face the fact that I'm a bit of an underachiever.
At least I don't have any divorces under my belt, or kids with prison records, or bankruptcies... so maybe I'm okay anyway?
Naaaaah. I'm a pervert. Not a practicing one at present, but still a pervert. That skews the positive on some scale somewhere, I'm sure...
Happy Holidays and Happy New Year to y'all. And that even goes out to the scoundrel in Houston who broke my heart so many years ago.
May 2010 be so much better than 2009 could ever have dreamt of being! |
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9/16/09
What is the good group here in Sacramento? The one with people who actually like each other? You know... the more fun, less drama group! |
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