Dratted winter...it was so bad this year that it killed all of my purple butterfly bushes. They were beautiful for three years and I'm going to miss their scent.  And the butterflies. (And the view of my cats doing cartwheels mid air trying to catch them.)

My slave had an oops for the very last time with his nipple ring.  Several rips had made it close to migrating out and this final one had the tiniest translucent bit of skin holding the ring in so he took it out to let it heal.  Having the ring there these past few years made his nipple change; it's more grabbable.  ;)  Gives me more to pinch/twist, and a better space to attach a clover clamp to.  He missed the ring so much that we went to his piercer's and got the other one done.  When it's healed we will hang the silver unicorn charm from it.

We have been to several play parties since winter ended and had a great time at all of them. At one, we used someone else's cross...and the lights were low and music was playing.  I am used to flogging in full light or by candlelight, with no music playing.  I've read that some of the other kinksters like certain songs/music/whatever playing while they do a scene, that it enhances the scene.  I don't know if it was the people watching us that also added to it, but I can definitely say that the combination of low lighting and music from the seventies and eighties affected both of us.  In a very short time he was mildly subspacing (he's done this before during public play), and I was surprised to discover I had some "top space" going on.  :)

My hair is almost long enough to sit on...so it's almost time to cut 2/3 of it off for my third Locks of Love donation.  The first time I sit on it and get my neck yanked when I try to lean forward is my signal to grab up a pair of scissors.  I would never have known about donating hair if it weren't for the old chatroom, The Lobby, about ten years ago.  Women kept bringing it up and eventually I started donating my (baby fine) dark blonde hair.

A Leather friend of mine will be visiting from Florida.  He will be staying with us for two weeks and will be going to MAsT and I'll be driving him around to meet up with his other kinky friends.

A babygirl friend of mine I've known for years from CM took a bus from Oklahoma and visited me here in WV for three days before heading on to North Carolina to visit with another kinkster...who might become her "Daddy".  (Psst, I bought a DVD called Sophia the First and watched all three episodes because my friend is into this.  It's adorable!)

My Pokemon game is keeping me very busy.  I'm "king of the lab" when it comes to Pokemon breeding, lol.  I belong to a group called Kinky Pokemon Nerds over at that other site and we talk to each other via our 3DS gaming systems while trading.  I have stayed up way too late in the early a.m. hours talking with friends, lol.

My last journal entry (a month or two ago) was eaten by my computer before it could post.  Cats running across a keyboard can make everything blink and go poof.  ;)

bo didn't need another surgery, thank God.

I get depressed from October through February each year...and by early December everything was a gray blur.  No holiday spirit.  Blah, bah humbug.  And then, bo did something that was just right...he put chasing lights all around in almost every room of the house.  It was better than candlelight so I've decided that they are staying up in the bedroom and living room until spring.  ;)

Our recent addition, a heavily used sex swing, um...fell out of the ceiling.  There was a "weak link" in the setup that had to be corrected.  The fuck machine is doing great. LOL, we overused it so much in the week after it arrived that the control box had a meltdown and had to be replaced.

We may or may not be going to the next MAsT meeting, and to this month's play party. Bedbugs are spreading across America and can hitch a ride on someone's clothes, and that's what happened to us recently.  The entire house has been dusted with diatomaceous earth to prevent a few bugs from turning into an infestation.  All wood seams, couch and bed seams and every inch of carpet was dusted with DE, but if I'm bitten even once more, we will be excusing ourselves from the local scene until any risk of spreading bugs is gone. 

Being responsible instead of pretending that everything is fine...can be a painful experience.  Kudos to my slave who stood by me while I sent out several letters.  I kept having meltdown after meltdown, and let him know how much I needed to simply have him nearby and hear him breathing.

To put a bandaid on my mental/emotional owwie, yesterday I shopped at Amazon and bought myself four boxed sets of Pokemon cartoons that we don't already have.  ;) (Sh'up, they were only $12 apiece.)  I plan to have a days' long cartoon fest when they arrive.

bo was finally feeling better this past week...and then he had his MRI.  

The infection hasn't shrunk and they will be reducing his antibiotics down to a "normal" dose.  The surgeon said there's going to be a 90% chance symptoms (of a raging infection) will be sending him back to the hospital where the implant will be removed, his belly cleaned up and a new device put back in.

While he was feeling better...I had him turn his guest bedroom into a second (both are small) dungeon.  The hoist made it impossible for me to put him on the cross or on the bondage table, so now they are in separate rooms.  At a recent play party someone brought a lovely padded spanking bench.  bo made one just like it, but better padded and black.  When we host play parties again it's going to be great having a second play room.  :)

This year I wanted to expand my horizons by learning several new types of play. Among them e-stim.  bo's surgeries have been going on for about six months and the mess of surgeries gone wrong and infections kind of deflated both of us when it comes to kink.  He's just been too fragile for me to play with. When I'm not scening with bo I have to be careful to keep my inner beast caged; just yesterday someone posted a Youtube video that sent me roaring into "Dom/me frenzy".  This link is in CollarMe's message boards, in the first post in this link, click where she said "This one":  http://www.collarchat.com/m_4539257/tm.htm

 

It's a parody of another music video.  When one of the women had a guy on a leash, walking him like a dog...I almost swooned.  ;)

My submissive just left a new journal entry post that made me so sad (yes, I knew what he was going through, all except how he processed his light, thuddy flogging since his last surgery).

No, I didn't go with him to his consultation appointment prior to the surgery.  I would have if it were possible.  I regret not making it the highest of my priorities because I was missing a lot of important information when I told him yes, to go through with it.

The surgeon told him he could keep his multiple penile piercings, and then moments before the surgery, the hospital demanded that all of them be removed or no surgery would take place.  I let him decide for himself; he chose to take them out.

This implant surgery wasn't taken lightly; he had almost entirely lost the ability to orgasm. Only strapon sex and a Hitachi used at the same time could bring him relief. (Guys can orgasm even when they are completely flaccid at the time.)  We would be crazy to turn to surgery if there had been any other options.  At least now, with all that metal out, he can use e-stim to...feel great, even if it doesn't lead to orgasm without the added aid of a Hitachi Magic Wand.

The surgery...also greatly shortened his size.  For a man who used to be a very proud, strutting eight inches in his youth, who then shrank down to six during years of complete celibacy, being cut down to 4 1/2 inches has been a very low blow.  I'm very aware of this, but nothing I can do or say can make this okay for him.

My boyfriend has a lot going on in his life at this time, on top of all that we have mentioned.  If he could afford to go to some kink friendly counselor, if even one exists in our area, then yes, I would have him go for therapy to deal with the feeling of...amputation...he's feeling since losing his piercings.  All the feelings he used to get from our power exchange have disappeared.

I have told him that if he absolutely must have his piercings back, he will need to save up the money for it...and we will have to have it done by a kinky RN who is licensed to do piercings in Virginia.  (In WV, they don't allow any numbing agents to be used.) Since this would happen against medical advice, I want someone who knows what the f*** they are doing and won't punch through the implant's tubes.  With the heavy bills he has rolling in because of his new surgery and new truck, I estimate he won't have the money to do this for about a year, if the RN will consent to do this at all.

Btw, penile piercings and ladders can hurt like an MF during sex.  (He knows that I have so many scars on top of scars from his piercings that I cannot even enjoy vaginal sex anymore.)

I am not making him take his journal entry down, in spite of my telling him to make a private journal when he needs to write down his feelings.  Writing helps him to work through his pain, and...spit happens.  He is depressed and angry, yeah, I get that.  His world has turned upside down and yeah, I get that too.

To friends of his who may write to him...
Please do not belittle what he is going through. His piercings were/are very important to his sense of...being a loveable, decent human being who is attractive and brave and...all that is good.

I'm having a quiet week, enjoying being snowed in more than I should.  ;)

It is so nice to have nothing I "have to" do.  For around two months I was overloaded and all the world to me started appearing in negatives, so I decided to take a "time out" and the weather is helping.

My submissive and I are going through some hard times financially and cannot afford to see each other more than one visit per month for the next two or three months.  One week instead of three...is very rough.  He is exercising to help pass the time and so am I. (Note to self.  New batteries for vibe, lol.)

This month I bought a used Pokemon White 2 game and it's keeping me busy.  I already have Pokemon Black 2, and wanted the White 2 to help slave itself to my black game's online Dream World...my White 2 game is going to help keep my Black 2 game's garden watered.  Nintendo had an online giveaway of a legendary Pokemon and I picked mine up already...Keldeos will be given away until February 12th, I think.  (That was just a note to other Pokemon geeks.)  I like my cute, fluffy, pretty/magical attacks that look like different colors of fireworks displays better than all that real life looking combat games with all the sword slashing and blood and guts and dreary fortresses blah blah blah.  (Honey, you know I'm making derogatory comments about your game again, lol.)

Spring cleaning/reorganizing has started early this year.  Blech.  Dust, dead bugs, cobwebs, and dirty windows.  

This has been a heck of a week.  :(

One r/t friend from CollarMe's house burned down.  She has no insurance.  Only one of the places that offered her temporary shelter would allow her to take her six dogs and cats with her.

Another r/t friend from CollarMe...was crazy in love with her Dom/boyfriend.  He has suddenly broken up with her and she doesn't know why, as there were no arguments and no explanation...she is wondering if his bowel cancer has come back.

I managed to miss this month's MAsT meeting, which I was really looking forward to.  A Master/slave author I know was going to autograph the book I ordered from Amazon.  It will have to wait, maybe until next month.  

To someone...

Yes, bo may take you deer hunting.  I gave bo permission to take you hunting with him last year, but then I had all those blood clots in my lungs and he wouldn't leave my side until I was better. He missed out on hunting that year.  (I hope you catch an eight pointer or better.)

Yes, he may help haul your new deep freezer into your house.

Most of the women at our munches are...large.  (I'm a 3X myself.)  bo and I have stopped going to KATS' munches and limit ourselves to the play parties and to MAsT.

Our second play party, after MAsT, went very well.  I had such a roaring buzz that it was past 8 a.m. before I could sleep.  ;)  Chaining up two slaves together in the hallway, connected by a nipple clamp...was awesome.  He flogged his slave while I flogged mine, and the two slaves decided to have a nipple pulling contest by leaning backward, lol.  They took turns moaning loudly.

Btw, I love my new dragon tail flogger.  So does bo...it makes a popping sound that sends shivers down my spine.  bo loves how it feels and starts spacing soon.  I cannot wait to start making leather floggers cuz I want half a dozen just like this one, but in screaming jewel tone colors.  :P

bo's NSR slave tattoo went just fine.  It's dark purple and is over his pubic bone.  Glad it was him getting one instead of ME...I was there by his side the whole time and it hurt just to watch, lol.  He said it hurt worse than when he got the five barbel frenum ladder in his penis.

Our first time hosting a play party also went well (even though some people got lost and and couldn't find the house).

His birthday cake turned out all right.  ;)  I didn't burn nuffin.  It was dark chocolate with homemade vanilla buttercream frosting on top.  Icecream was neopolitan.  

Yes, bo had a birthday spank.  Only from me and in full view of all.

My boy's birthday is coming up and we are inviting several people over to his house for a play party.  Our first time hosting.  :)  

It's been over a year since I collared bo...so...now he is dancing with joy that I got him registered with NSR and he has his slave number.  I'm planning on putting it on his birthday cake.  We haven't filled out anything else at that site and since he drove home today early in the morning...and I won't be following him until later tonight...I will wait until tomorrow or the next day to figure out how to register as his owner.

Oh, and I need some time to decide where to have his number tattoo'd.  Not on his butt cuz that's where he will be getting a tatoo when our second year anniversary of his collaring comes around.  (He is excited and wants it NOW, lol, but will have to wait for it.)

One of his friends from CollarMe, a slave who lives in Kentucky, is someone who knew bo when he was new here and wanting to leave the lifestyle...will be coming for bo's birthday party.  Others from several of our munch groups and from MAsT have been invited.  We have also made some new friends from CM that live somewhat close to bo and we are looking forward to meeting them soon as well as enjoying their company at bo's birthday party.

(I hope I don't burn the food or something like that, lol.)

*Waves hello to two or three new Ladies here at CollarMe* 

Hey, if you can read this, then yep, ya found the right site and ya found me.  (The one who talked with you about a purples pirate dress for a play party and about MAsT meetings.)

Please send me a note as soon as possible so I will know what usernames you have chosen...and I will send you some links to read.  It would be lovely if you could come to this weekend's MAsT meeting, but I will understand if next month's meeting will be better.  I cannot wait to show you books and floggers and restraints, lol.

Woohoo!  More women need "honey do..." type guys.  (Male wives!)

I hope all of you find submissive boyfriends who make your lives sweeter in the coming years.

Psst...yes, male chastity devices exist.  Sounds like fun, no?  Imagine the only key on a chain around your neck, mwahahahaha.  I hope you have a great time...it would be so much fun to have more kinky people in our area.

To my dear slave...in response to his recent journal entry...

August 12th is the first year anniversary of your collaring; I/we did not miss it.  Since my old calender took a hike (I think YOUR house ate it, lol), I had to do some research through past journal entries and saved letters to be certain.

*blows a raspberry, very undignified like*
And you thought I forgot or let it slip by us unnoticed.

I
notice
everything about you.

The last MAsT meeting (Masters And slaves Together.  An educational discussion group for those interested in learning more about Master/slave relationships) was a lovely icecream social.  submissives/slaves brought their favorite icecream and Dominants brought their favorite toppings.  Instead of the scheduled two hours it lasted beyond four...with lively discussions and a smorgasbord of icecreams, lol.  (People, if you are limiting yourself to knowing fellow kinksters only over the internet, you are missing out on a lot of fun!)

One of the BDSM munch groups we go to, KATS in Charleston, WV, is having a play party soon and it has a pirate theme.  I am dressing bo up as my "cabin boy" or kidnap victim (aarg!), and he*s going to be wearing a thin red and black leather corset (if it fits), and possibly a blonde wig (if I like how it looks, lol).  We are still looking for a toy scimitar type sword, as my son misplaced ours (hears house belching...yep, the house ate it).  My own outfit should be in black and purples.  I haven*t sewed it yet.  :(

Also, I haven*t decided what to bring for the potluck.  I have two, two liter bottles of pop, and yeah, I could bring potato chips again...but a nice big salad might be nice.  Another time we brought sweet and sour meatballs with pineapple chunks.  Hm, I*ve never brought cake or brownies...

This month is the first anniversary of when I collared bo last year.  Yay for US!  (insert fireworks display and champagne smilie, lol) 

Real time slavehood is not easy.  And bo..."you've come a long way, baby!"  Other guys could learn a lot from you. 

Yay!  Finally I have the internet back again for the first time since Friday!

We had a nasty storm last Friday, and as I drove from bo*s home to my own, we passed town after town that had no electricity.  For over three hours.  I am so lucky that power was okay in Princeton, cuz by then my minivan was on empty and we were driving on fumes, lol.  Bluefield was spared as well.

Friends of mine who live in Welch lost their power.  With this heatwave going on, I pray that none of them had to be hospitalized.  For everyone else in our area...I hope y*all are doing okay as well.  See you at the next munch.

bo has been recovering from upper abdominal hernia surgery and we had to miss a play party he wanted to go to.  We will make the next MAsT meeting though, as it is another week and a half away.  He will be fine by then, as long as he does no lifting nor yard work for several more weeks.

Yesterday I caught him lifting a bucket full of water...aargh.  Bad, bad boy, lol.  He also walked a short distance to his mother's house today, and between the two days, he's really hurting and very tired. 

M'kay, my slave has made a new journal entry while I was sleeping.  He told me about it while I was waking up and he was helping me dress and get ready for the day.

Yes, I had to cut him off of his Cialis for several months and I knew it would cause problems.  Yes, I had promised him two years with his piercings in place before I would have him remove them for My pleasure.  For the sake of intimacy, because I wanted to, I*ve had sex with my slave since a month or two after collaring him...but it would become OUCH DAMMIT within a few minutes because of the barbels and my scar tissue and I*d make him get out, lol, and give me body worship.  Either I would play with him on the cross or just flog him or whatever else I wanted to do later on, and would supervise his masturbation...or I would use the Hitachi.  This worked for me, great with the D/s and kink, not perfect with the vanilla type sex...but then,  are "perfect".

A month or two ago, my slave started hurting over his inability to give me an orgasm.  (With oral, his tongue is way too damned short and my mount of venus is thickly padded, so that doesn*t work out either.)  He moped and hid his eyes from me, serving me well...okay, and acting up frequently, but doing it in a vanilla guy type way that was very caretaking and irritatingly endearing at the same time...and his self-esteem kept going down the toilet no matter how many times we talked this over.  He kept telling me he wasn*t good enough to be my slave, that I could do better and should replace him.  He even offered to break his hardest limit for my sake if that would make me happy...yes, he volunteered to be cuckolded.  This would destroy him as a human being so I said HELL NO.  :)  Keep in mind that all of this struggle was inside his own heart and not inside of mine. 

In the end, he thought that the Cialis and peircings had woken up his nerves in his penis enough to be able to have sex without them.  I had my doubts about the Cialis, believing nuffin would happen until he is back on those again in two more paydays.  With the piercings, I knew he had a strong attachment to them and that because of them, it didn*t bother him to be naked in front of others, even younger males, taller, muscled, who still had all of their hair.  We tried taking the piercings out for sex, and things went well erection wise, but he*d have to leap out of the bed immediately afterward and start the long, painful process of working the piercings back in place.  Often I would hear him even yelling in pain as he screwed the ends of the barbels through scar tissue.  We even tried to fill the holes temporarily with different things but nothing stayed in place.  In the end, I told him that the decision was his, to either leave them in and enjoy the extra sensations they gave him, or take them out so he could spend longer time inside of me.  He thought about it for about a week and then came to me with his decision to take them out. 

The psychological impact of taking out all of his bling crippled him.  His penis wouldn*t get hard and he suddenly felt...very old...and worthless.  My slave became a shadow of his former self and all the talking in the world wouldn*t help.  His body betrayed him, and he could rub himself literally raw and still be unable to have an orgasm.  I think he hit rock bottom.

No.  I won*t release him.  I made a wonderful choice when I collared this MAN.  He may be a colossal pain in the arse sometimes, but he is MY pain in the arse.  ;) 

Together we looked for more alternatives, so that he could have some penis piercings back again and yet...in a way that wouldn*t hurt me.  I thought that implants would be a good idea.  I was wrong.  Don*t misunderstand me; I don*t regret trying to find an alternative and my ego can take being wrong sometimes.  ;)  I do regret the public scold I gave him at his piercer*s when he started bargaining with me about getting a huge barbel under his skin as if we hadn*t talked this subject to death in the past month or two.  He has a brain injury, and it might not have been his deliberately setting the stage with plenty of witnesses before pleading with me in front of them, but rather that he was near to somethng he coveted and...you know what happens if you squeeze a squeaky toy bone near a hyperactive puppy dog.  Yep.  :)  Nevertheless, his insistence on getting what he wanted and then using it to hurt me down there, like I*d just accept that...  So I broke my own rule and snarled at him.  (By that time I was so damn sick and tired of all the Me, Me, Me, and all of our conversations ending up on his piercings...since I had been quite ill for two weeks he is lucky I didn*t rip his nuts off.)

Anyway, the ladders are going back in this weekend.  Sadist friends from our munch group are coming to watch and he is going to try to endure getting 8 penile piercings put back in place in one day.  Doing this through all that scar tissue is brutally agonizing, so there will likely be some screaming involved, lol.  He has been dancing on air all this week and I love to see his spirit so light again.  Unless we/he can find some viable alternative to those barbels, something soft that will keep the holes open, our vanilla sex life is over.  He will have to reconcile himself to this.  Me?  I believe in working within limitations...and it will be lovely having my boy useable again for CBT and whatever.

Another penis pump, as his last M kept the one he got from his doctor and his insurance will not buy another one, is on the horizon.  Months from now, as it*s not the highest priority at this time, but...eventually.

If anyone else who has frenum ladders has discovered a way to keep the holes open with something soft and bendy, we would like to hear from you. 

Very tired these past three plus weeks.  Bronchitis.  :(

My apologies to anyone I owe a letter to.  Tomorrow will not be a good day, nor the day after.  I will try to get to them by this Friday.

For those of you are new to this, please read some non-porn, non-fantasy BDSM book like SM101 by Jay Wiseman...and...learn about BDSM munch groups in your area.  If you don*t know how to find one, then go into CollarMe*s message boards and ask.

(I know, the Message Boards* button kinda gets lost by the Chatrooms button right under it, lol.  It took me a year or so of being here before I discovered the other half of CollarMe.)

Btw, this weekend...my boy learned how to make a great grilled cheese sandwitch.  Yay!

My boy and I are at his house now after about two weeks at mine, and we will be here until Sunday, when I drive us back to Bluefield.  We're here for the KATS' play party this Saturday and to visit with his mother and sister.

It has been months since bo made a journal entry.  When I prompted him to make a new one he says he tried, but all that comes to mind is...a notice that we are still together and that he is disgustingly happy.

We are doing well.  :)  I am very pleased with him and the progress he has made.  Most men start off in the lifestyle more focused on getting their kinky needs met than on D/s.  He "gets it" now and we rub smoothly together.  Of course he is always hungry for a scene, but those happen when my own hunger to do all kinds of THINGS to him...starts roaring, and not through hints and pleading or whining.  Have to admit that I enjoy the pleading sometimes, and enjoy the saying "No" part.   

Which reminds me, I am dying to get him up on that cross and do CBT until he screams...however, he is getting seven new piercings at the play party, two through the rim of his penis (all of the piercings will be genital, except for one through his nipple), and we are going to the piercer earlier tonight to see about having teflon (spelling?) implants (think BBs under the skin) replacing his two ladders.  The barbel ladders look lovely and I hate to have them removed, but...*crosses legs tightly*...OUCH, yanno?  Women who've had episiotomies, or something similar, have vaginal and/or vulval scar tissue that usually makes it painful to have sex with a guy who has barbels in his penis.  I am no exception.

It was wunnerful watching him get all his piercings, usually five at a time...the stimulation was so intense that he would keep forgetting to breathe.  I was so proud of him.

Our daily life is not in some fantasy type bubble, but is lived in the real world.  Our dynamic is often subtle but it stays in place whether we are in public or in front of family.  He is my gentlemanly "honey do".  (Nobody sees the times when I back him into a wall to pinch his nipples and generally molesticate him, mwahahahaha.)

Btw, the boy who could not boil water...has learned how to make pancakes (box mix, just add water), mix Koolaide in a pitcher, make homemade popsicles, hot cocoa from scratch, and to make french toast with cinnamon.  He has also learned how to serve my steak the way I like it, medium rare.  Soon I'm going to teach the man how to fry potatoes in a skillet with some olive oil, make waffles and...denver omelettes.  Who knows what he will be able to do after another year or two.  :)

*Just talking to myself about last Saturday's munch...*

Where the flock was everybody???

Bo, his sister GreySquirrel, and I all showed up and nobody was there.  After an hour we looked into every blessed restaurant in that area and we couldn't see any familiar faces. My boy even asked at each cash register if KATS munch group was there.

I has a sad.  I also feel stupid, cuz this has never happened before with any of the munch groups we belong to and it was her very first one.  I hoped we would make a good impression on her and that a few of the guys who showed interest would show up to meet her.  Maybe there would have been some instant sparkage with one...

In the end, we decided not to eat out at all and just drove back home.  bo and I will have to miss the next MAsT meeting, but we will be at the Mardi Gras party and then at the play party at the end of the month.  GreySquirrel will have to wait for the next KATS munch sometime in April.

Has it really been all these months since August 6th, 2011?

Time flew away from me and I only started counting months on my fingers this past week.  Our sixth month anniversary is coming up. 

Too distracted to type more right now. 

Yay, the snow is melting and I can finally leave the house.

I am staying at bo's for an extra night, due to snow messing up the roads and several accidents that need to be cleared first. 

The collaring ceremony we went to was beautiful and I am grateful we were invited.

bo is snoozing on the couch with his game playing on the tv, his character walking into walls for ten minutes at a time, lol, because he is tired.  We used the cross he built for the first time tonight and it was sweet hearing afterward the details of what he had felt.  I love giving aftercare, he is all floaty at those times and...warm and sweet like a little puppy.  I am going to miss him when I have to go back home.

I still owe several letters here and at another site but...yanno...

Happy New Year, everyone.  Try to make reasonable resolutions that you can keep.  ;)

*sigh*  My Christmas tree is broken.  No lights, no pretty sparkly things for my cats to maul and play floor hockey with.

I miss my sub.  Financial difficulties hit both of us and neither can afford much in gas money this month.  January and February aren't looking too good either...it is going to be a long, tough winter before things get better.

Both of our moms are having a hard time, and his badly needs cataract surgery and is not due for surgery for a while yet.  In the meantime, she is pretty blind and is very depressed.

Ownership is not just about happy times and kink filled nights; sometimes we have to sit tight through whatever cr*pstorm surrounds us until it passes.

Honey, if you weren't worth it...  That chain collar around your neck and that ring on your finger means something, yanno?  It means that I am HERE and I am not going anywhere.  I would rather you spend your money on gas to get your arse over here than getting me anything else for Christmas.  (You have got to fix that broken wire on that thingy for my Christmas tree and help us put decorations on it.  If all the purple makes your eyes bleed...too bad, lol.)  If you can get my oven to work again, if it is that small part that is easily replaced, we might have more than the planned tv dinner Christmas.  Now if only I can find my Chipmunks' Christmas Carols tape...  *grins*

A small message for someone else, a dear friend of my sub.  AK, he is not sneaking around when he goes to your home to do chores; I have been loaning him out to you for non-sexual, non-S&M service, as well as encouraging friendship between the two of you.  If these recent blood clots to my lungs had ended my life, or if some new crisis comes that costs me my life... I hope you would consider taking my sub into your service.

To my sub.  :)  Remember that I am patient even if you're not.  Things will get better after three months so hang in there sweetheart.  I know it's not easy spending less time together after being in each other's houses constantly...but we can make it through this and things WILL get better.  Your aunt's condition will make it very rough on your mother, but I am hoping your extra attention to her will help pull her through this terrible time.  She will have her future grandbabies to look forward to, as well as cataract surgery restoring her lost vision.  You are a comforting, soothing influence and I am sorry that I cannot help you with her at this time. 

Psst...by this spring or summer...you will be busy in the kitchen (my house as well as at your house) in a 1950's style frilly apron done in cammo.  Gawd you're gonna look so cute.  And shorts...picture at least half a dozen shorts done in different styles of cammo.  You are so hawt in cammo.  ;)  ***smooches and huggles***  Btw, I had a dream with you in it early this morning.  We were on the couch and I had your wrists pinned down above your head.

Btw, I miss rolling your ring around your finger.  Darn thing has sharp edges that roughs up my skin but I miss even this.  This has been a very long week for both of us. 

Before the 6th, I had time with internet problems that lasted several weeks, and going online was difficult.  I am just now catching up at CM and am still behind at the other site.

Yay, my phone company fixed a broken wire that had my phones off and internet down for 5 long days, and yay for this "new" computer.  My info I need to transfer from my old computer is still on that computer, so until I get two ethernet cables to leave the modem/router thingy going to both computers, I am stuck having to undo everything to hook up one computer or the other.  Ugh.

Playing hookie on doing that work for now, and am sticking with this one for a while.  Sites I referred newbies to for reading are on my old computer...

My tree isn't up yet...soon it will be up and twinkling with...purple?...lights. 

  Two of my kitties have never seen a Christmas tree, even if it is a tall synthetic one, and will likely spend most of their time staring, knocking ornaments off and playing what our family refers to as Floor Hockey with them, and...there will be kitties climbing up into the branches.  Bending them down so that all of the goodies slide off, lol. 

This year is a wonderful year...nobody I love is dying, for the first time in what seems lie many years, and...this is my first holiday season with Bo.  This is ME, with a wide, Cheshire cat's grin, and I am actually looking forward to Christmas. 

Earlier today the four of us were eating in a restaurant (mom, my son, Bo and I) and mom noticed the ring Bo was wearing on his ring finger..."Cynthia's slave".  Bless her, lol, she keeps taking Bo to the side and telling him not to let my bossy ways drive him away, um...and she keeps giving him lectures on taking control of the relationship.  At least she is starting to realize that I am not abusing him...he glows with happiness and is adorable.  I think I fell off track for a moment, lol.  Sweet, adorable, peaceful inside, very much a gentleman and my knight if I have need of one, I think mom is starting to realize that BDSM does not equal abuse...and that he loves my bossy ways.  If I were her son rather than her daughter, she would have no problems with my having a submissive wife, but the situation being the other way around is hard for her to trust in or get used to.  (In all of her vanilla marriages...the men were The Boss, even deciding if she would be allowed to have bananas that week.)  Isn't it funny how many vanilla marriages are D/s relationships, but are not acknowledged as such... 

My slave is in the kitchen right now, washing dishes from earlier and will soon fry steaks.  There is a big smile on my face and I can't wait to sew him some cammo apron, maybe complete with ole fashioned wifey frills...  He is adorable in cammo.   

Uh oh, I think I am feeling sappy today.  About him.  ;) 

Halloween didn*t quite go the way I had planned.  Did I dress up in my new Ren Faire type costume and go to a tri-munch group party?  Heck no.  Intensive Care Unit instead.  For about a week.  <crosses eyes>

Bo has difficulty typing and could not make my cranky computer send out letters to several friends; he tried, but they were eaten when he hit the send button.

Wha happened?  A blood clot was in my right leg and we didn*t know it until it broke loose and hit my lungs, breaking into dozens of small pieces.  Anyone who knows me knows that my guardian angel works overtime...yay!  I*m alive!  The nitro patches gave me the worst migraine headache I*ve ever had in my life, and being tethered to a bed, unable to get out to sit on a toilet like a normal human being, was quite humbling.  The highlight of my days was when Bo was by my side, hand feeding me or giving me my bed bath.  ;)  He handled everything for me while I was in the hospital, including watching my cats, my son, my house, my minivan, and taking my mother to the store or for hospital visits.  I chose well when I collared this one.  <blows a kiss to her boy>

I*m fine now, just tired and getting used to having less functional lungs than I am used to.  No strokes, no major heart attack from the clots, only about 25% lung damage; I got off quite lightly.  Until I have recovered more of my energy, I will be spending less time online here at CM reading the message boards.  I*ll be doing more reading than posting.

If anyone has had their Dominant die or almost die on them, it would be a favor to me if they contacted my slave, wonderfulbo1, so he can work his way through this with others who have been in his shoes.  Right now he is at the stage where he watches me while I sleep because he is afraid I will die and he would have to live without me.  Be patient with him; his typing sucks because he has a brain injury from a mining accident.

(Going offline now to watch a movie with my Bo.)

***Comes back from reading her sub*s latest journal entry***

I*ll admit I am still walking that one off.  I am not making him delete it or rewrite; others need to see how my boy feels when I delay one day in seeing him.  I ripped up the muscle in my right leg and had to have a sonogram of it yesterday to see if I had a blood clot in it.  It is agonizing.  He stayed with me for days after I left his home last time, going back home to be alone for one whole day before I was to arrive, and because my ultrasound was so painful and made my leg barely functional the next day, I told him I would not drive to him yesterday.  I had decided to spend the day watching tv from my couch to recover somewhat. 

He is not normally this insecure, but we have a lot going on right now.  His family is throwing fits over the days he spends at my house, and his daughter in college is grieving over breaking up with her boyfriend.  Having another birthday and becoming another year older isn*t helping either.  It isn*t always a bed of roses...sometimes the thorns jab ya in the arse.  ;)

It is hard for him to need to be with me every day when we live hours apart and have to skip some days in between visits.  He is free to phone me at any time and we talk daily for hours per day...but it is not the same thing as his living right across the street.

Btw, he is still tripping out over that part for the Hitachi Magic Wand...the company sent the wrong one.  The first parts I had him order was for him, so I could use that jelly sleeve on him while whupping that arse or whatever.  Then I looked at other attachments and thought I wanted to try some of that for myself...but they sent something for anal instead.  Yep, I bent him over his pool table and treated him like he was my girl...for a very long time.  Until his begging became incoherent sounds.  Thank goodness his neighbors didn*t call the police to see if I was killing him; my boy is loud.  (I am having him soundproof a room in his house, and if necessary, one of the rooms in my basement.)

During my last visit to his home, I did something stupid and he had to pay the consequences.  His frenum barbels have been in for over two months now and I thought they were safe to remove for an hour.  They weren*t.  All of them sealed up tightly, and rather than having the mindblowing agony of repiercing through old scar tissue, again, we decided to redo them on his pool table.  I gently started them off and got each one about 1/3 of the way back in, and I stayed there with him while he kept screwing the small rods through sealed up scar tissue.  It was agonizing even to watch, but he preferred to do this rather than have the piercer use the forceps (sp?) on his scar tissue again.  He was very sore afterward for two days until the swelling went down.  Afterward, he went to my house for three days and two nights, then went home...and while he was mowing the lawn or sleeping (cannot remember which) a barbel fell out and he had an evil time getting it back in.  He had to do it alone, without me there beside him, and was really needing me to get my butt over to see him as we had planned...but my leg needed a day of rest.  Three of his barbels are stripped, and he has been babying them while some new ones are ordered off.  I will never remove his barbels again, as it is clearly not safe to.  This was my screw up; I made a bad call.

I prefer him with his piercings in place.  He walks ten feet tall with them, and there is a huge difference in sensitivity.  It is upsetting for him that I enjoy playing with him...moreso than anything vanilla sexual.  This is causing his insecurity to shoot through the roof and only time will take care of it.  He doesn*t have to be perfect for me to own him.  I love him, but the walking on air feeling just isn*t there and it bothers him, making him feel more insecure, because he is soaring very high and he is afraid he is alone in all of this. 

Honey...we might not be two kites flying high up in the sky together...but I am what you are anchored to.  I am your string and ball of twine.  I am also the one that put you way up there, in that scary and exciting place.  Soaring where you belong.  It pleases me to see you feeling so alive and joyful, and yes, I am even here with you all the times when it seems you are going to plummet back down to earth.  You are not used to flying for me, not used to someone catching you when you fall.  It is going to take a while before your heart realizes that the tether between us means something more to me than any past relationship you have been in.  I am not your fellow kite...I am your Owner. 

You please me, even when you are being a butthead, because you are MINE. 

The Munch went well...the Chinese food buffet was wonderful and the other members were friendly.  I love Chinese food.  <whimpers>

MAsT is a different experience...as the meeting is in a private home; folks are friendly there and I feel more at home than in a restaurant.  It is a joy to be in a room where my sub can sit at my feet...and where he doesn*t stick out like a sore thumb for doing so because other subs are also happily on the floor (at perfect petting height). 

We are looking forward to attending both again later this month, as well as the tri-Munch Halloween party.

I slipped and goofed up my right leg from 2/3 up my thigh down to mid calf, so I might be still limping by then.  Yanno, getting into a truck via balancing on an egg crate, at night, in the rain, on gravel...isn*t as easy as it seems.  ;) 

When I was at Joann Fabrics today, I fell in love with some fabric (so okay, I would need two cuts, three yards each, at $10 per yard, OUCH) and will have to wait until next month.  Maybe mom will get a 40% off coupon that I can bum, since signing up for a coupon for herself using my address goofed up getting my own coupon.  Waiting for the muscle relaxant to kick in and I think it has already started.  Gawd help my postings in the message boards tonight...

Btw, to finish off the cross in my boy*s home, with some padding and two shades of vinyl, I showed my boy three of my many tubs of fabric.  Mwahahaha, yes, he got a boner.  Anyway, I decided to use black vinyl and blue vinyl, and I have at least four shades/textures of black.  Some will be saved for when I start making myself some (decorative only) corsets or under bust corsets.  That*s when the heavy breathing started.  Oh...and over the uber shiny black PVC that I have hoarded to make myself a few dozen things out of, including opera length gloves.  <grins>

Next year, I will seam rip a worn out...uh...thing?...laughingly called a swim suit, and use it as a pattern to make him many more to wear around his home and possibly at play parties.  I am still deciding if I should find him some heavy grade, heavy satin finish lycra and have the slippery, shiny side on the INSIDE...mwahahaha.  ;)  I will be making him shorts out of ultrasuede...it will give me yet another reason to pet what belongs to me.

Has anyone watched that clip where a man and a woman are talking in French and seem to be having a passionate tryst...and when translated we see that they are merely reciting grocery lists?  Something like that goes on with me, lol, when I hear my boy getting all technical about some repairs he plans to do.  I have to stop him when it becomes physically arousing and I cannot concentrate on what he is saying.  Most of the time when this happens to me, he knows...because even over the phone, when I have been silent for a while, listening, that is the moment when his body has also reacted.  I am tuned into him in a different way than he is to me; I can tell even long distance, without contact, when he is upset.  He can tell at what times of the day when I am thinking of him...part of his body reacts as a dowsing rod when it senses water nearby.  Yes, this can be amusing.  ;)

I will be going to KATS and MAsT soon, and I am looking forward to learning things from others who have mastered certain activities...like temporary piercings and cell popping.  Some things have interested me for a long time, but without knowing all the safeties and without watching demos, I just didn*t go there on my own.  My sub had these things on his hard limits list but we have been talking this through and he would rather I do these things to him than on some random, willing masochistic bottom.  If at any time I feel this is too much for my sub to handle, I will stop.  (Seducing his masochistic side is so much more fun and challenging than simply forcing him to take it.)  It is not in my best interests to traumatize my sub.

To my boy now.  Sweetie, you are right where you need to be at this time.  You are NORMAL.  Our relationship is new, and if you didn*t have some part of your soul feeling that it could go poof and disappear...then I would worry about you.  Time will pass.  We are building a good foundation for our relationship...and I am not going ANYWHERE.  Neither are you.  We are both in this together and are trying to make this work out for the rest of our lives, and as I*ve said (and have proven) before, I am a very patient person. 


I am very pleased with you.
I am very proud of you...you have grown so very much in these past two months.
I am also admitting you are right about something, that I am starting to...  (In baby steps though.)

Please *make it as fast as you can*?  You*re not clear on this, baby, because I cannot tell what you are talking about.  Cane you faster/harder?  (Nope.)  Fast as in...time?  To get your fear and tension over with when it comes to things like temporary piercings and cell popping?  Everything will come in baby steps.  I will prepare you in advance, will be watching you very carefully and will not take you too far too fast.  Remember that I am likely to stop things way before you would dream of safewording, and with these new things there will be no exception. 

I notice everything about you and you can trust me to keep doing so...even down to noticing when I think you*ve had enough.  I will not push you so hard that you will be ashamed of yourself for failing me, and if you ever reach a point where you are beating yourself up over some imagined failure on your part, I will put a stop to your punishing yourself by spanking that ass.

You are more important to me than just someone I use to get my sadistic needs met; if I see that something is not healthy for your soul, even if you are pleading with me to use you, I will refuse.  I am prepared to make some sacrifices for you...see how this cuts both ways?  If I have to become just a voyeur when other people are doing hawt and amazing (and scary) things to their subs/slaves, then so be it.  I hope you can eventually enjoy giving me everything I want, where your masochistic beast roars inside you as loudly as my own predatory one does...but even if things have to stay as they are now...I am very pleased with you.  The D/s has always been more important to me than S&M, and honey...you meet all of my needs where it counts most.

I*m back home now and owe some letters, but will have to get to them tomorrow after I have gotten some sleep.

Earlier I paid a visit to my gyn to get tested for all sorts of ick.  My boy will also be going to his doctor for similar tests.  Even after years of celibacy, I insist on this before becoming "fluid bonded."  Two more weeks until all of my tests come back.  ;) 

Yes, I will show him the paper and signed a Hippa paper that would allow wonderfulbo1, my sub, to talk with my doctor if he chooses.  I will likely be going with him when he visits his own doctor.  ;)

I am looking forward to visiting my boy for a few days, snuggling in front of the tv and then cuddling up on his waterbed.  Life is sweet.

<Wide evil grin toward her sub> 

Still figuring out how we goofed with the tape measure.  The room was kind of dark with only the tv on, and I had been joking that he had better not regain all of his former size.  In over a month of measuring, he had gone from almost five inches back to six and a bit more, so it didn*t surprise me when the tape measure said seven.  Yes, I threatened again to lock him into chastity, especially if he regained his former eight. 

He feels worse than I do over this mistake, and gawd knows why men worry about size so much.  As long as it is somewhere between "Is it in?" and "OUCH DAMMIT!"

(It*s still a Monster, hon.  We might have to get a big wooden mallet to tap on your arse to be able to drive that nail in, lol.  Don*t wish for bigger, I am HAPPY you shrank all those years ago...mkay?) 

To anyone reading this...it would be nice to hear of favorite nipple clamps.  Ones that do not slip off would be nice.  ;)  Thanks in advance.

I just read my sub*s latest journal entry.  I had to drive back home and he is missing me but hopefully not dropping too badly.  Separating from me is still very hard for him because, yes, he loves me and misses me when I am not there...but...insecurity must come into this as well.  Part of him feels that he is just dreaming all of this and he will one day wake up...and poof, I will be gone.  Only time passing will help him to see that I am not going anywhere.  I*ve made my choice and the proof is on my keychain; along with the key to my house and my car...my keychain holds another important key, the one that keeps my sub*s collar locked around his neck.

What he said about my weight and knees is true.  We walked all over several stores that day, including upstairs and downstairs in a mall, and my knees were toast afterward.  They will need three days to recover, and in the meantime I have to be very careful while walking or they seem to slip out of joint a bit and I could come down wrong on them and believe me, the pain is vile.  Next year I will submit to surgery on them, as Bo had the same surgery done years ago and it turned out well, unlike my auto mechanic who had bone rubbing on bone within six months of having his knee cartilige scraped.  I hurt my right one in a motorcycle accident years ago, and hurt the right one by trying to do way too much in my house and garden one year.  Believe me, I have a huge respect for stiff and painful knees now.

Why am I delaying the surgery?  I feel I am way too large.  My surgeon did not find this to be an issue, or if he did he kept his mouth shut and didn*t say a word.  Notice I do not post my weight here.  ;)  The problem with having lymphoma years ago that would not go into remission (surprise, surprise, I finally did through God answering a prayer) is that I threw myself into enjoying life to the fullest.  Every single day that I could.  This did not mean eating desserts more than rarely, nor having seconds nor eating junk food.  However, I babied myself and became too much of a couch potato.  I put enjoying my family, watching all the movies I wanted and playing my Pokemon games as a very high priority and exercizing was nowhere on my list.  Now that I am going to live, lol, I planned on getting some exercize machines in my basement that would not cause further damage to my knees so I could gear up for the surgery and bite that bullet. 

I wanted to be in good pysical condition exercize wise if not weight wise, and was on hiatus from looking for a sub.  At most I was planning on being something of a service top and was lining up bottoms...because flogging as exercise is ever so much more fun than sit ups.  ;)  Then I met my boy and had to change all my plans and take him before I was ready for all this.  My ego is giving me fits.

You can see that walking my way to a better, less sedentary metabolism is out of the question.  I used to go on long walks at night three times per week for exercise before I injured my knees.  I cannot afford joining some gymn, and have been scouring garage sales to find non-electric exercise machines for my basement.  Unfortunately, some have small missing pieces like...some metric sized screw or bolt.  My boy will find these for me and get them into working order.  I will not go up and down all those stairs until four are okay, not just one or two, as I want to be down there for at least half an hour and not just ten minutes.  Music is a must, and last month I bought several CDs. 

The clothes Bo was talking about...is an outfit that will have to go for Halloween parties and Ren Faires (my sub is very interested in going to these and I have always been curious about them, as several friends have been Rennies over the years), and will have a Ren Faire type corset.  Nothing that will squeeze me enough to make me ill. 

Seducing Bo into masochism has been a delight.  It is not enough to get him to endure things for my sake, to please me; I want his own hunger to wake up and scream to be fed.  The look on his face as he falls deeper into this is terribly sweet, as is his shocked surprise.  <wide evil grin>

Sometimes I keep him spacing off and on the entire day, so time, for him, is distorted.  Days seem like hours, hours seem like minutes.  That is why between our journal entries there is a discrepancy when it comes to time.  ;)  I toyed with him for two days, keeping him so close to the edge that he could cum if he rubbed himself once or twice, and as for the Hitachi Magic Wand and that lovely sleeve attachment, I used it on him significantly longer than half an hour.  Stopped and started it scores of times.  (It did not hurt his fresh genital piercings.)  I love winding him up very tight so that he has to walk around his home all day...in THAT condition.  They are cute in a happy but helpless kind of way.

***Hugs to her boy***

Oh mah goodness!  <Wide evil grin>

I had had my boy order the Hitachi Magic Wand with sleeve attachment from Extreme Restraints (the button to find this is inthe column to the left, right above New Messages), because his piercings will take months to heal and...ah...I didn't want them to be damaged through letting him use his hand.

I used that lovely toy to torture him for hours, before making him scream like a woman when I finally pushed him over the edge.  Love.  That.  Toy.  (!!!!!)

Now I only wish it could strap on to him and that I had a remote, mwahahaha, for times when he is staked out over some bondage furniture and I am whaling the tar out of that arse. 

  Thank you, CollarMe, for having an easy to reach button for finding lovely toys.

Nope, hon.  Your ears will not get pierced, best get used to where your charm is hanging now, at your pubic bone, lol.  If it doesn*t work out for me there, then likely I will have your navel pierced to hold your unicorn.  Or maybe above one of your nipples, not through the aureola but above it.

It is thundering outside my window, and I can smell rain on it*s way.  Unfortunately I will be taking a lot longer to drive to where my sub is tonight and will be too tired to want to do more than cuddle on the couch, eat, and go to bed.  He will have to endure another day passing...without my handprint glowing warm and pink on his...  ;)

Sometimes I want only vanilla type times with him, the D/s is always present but kink is saved for when I am in the mood for it.  If I*m tired, it doesn*t happen.  Sometimes I would rather have him sitting at my feet...than bent over something and strapped down.

I know it seems strange to pass notes in journal entries with someone who is mine, instead of limiting myself to private letters and phone calls and talking in person, but it is part of our history together and something that makes me smile.  It helps me to keep remembering that old journal entry of his, where he told me I*d had him at hello. 

My sub will be here on the 2nd...and every day we are on the phone for around 4-6 hours...and yessss, sometimes I toy with him.  If someone had told me I would ever be doing this, as I have not with past subs, I would have laughed myself silly.

My boy has been getting a little cocky about his dick size.  He went grocery shopping earlier and had to get the Magnums...in their largest size.  The cashier kept looking and looking, and bless her, she had to say something, "Are you sure that this is the size you were looking for?"  (Or something like that)  He answered yes, that he only hoped they would fit, and enjoyed it when her eyes got as big as saucers.  Mkay, we already tried the regular Magnums and they barely fit.  Now that he has another row of piercings on top of his penis, with two more ladder rows of barbels coming next month I told him to try out the bigger size of that brand (girth, not length).  It is supposed to fit snug, but not rip out his barbels. 

Anyway, I made him masturbate in the same way I make him do it when I am there (when I am in a benevolent mood), kneeling in front of my place at the couch, over a towel.  When I am not there, there is a pillow for him to rest his face on that has my perfume.  He had an unexpected surprise tonight and I told him to write about it...and he balked.  See...he is not embarrassed over my allowing him to show piercing pix to friends, but he is very embarrassed to admit that he masturbates.  <wide evil grin>

It is too cute, and yes, I am making him write about it anyway.  What discovery happened tonight?  He tried and tried and could not have an orgasm.  Until he pinched and twisted his nipple HARD...in the same way I am very fond of doing.

I cannot believe I am gloating over this...but yesssss, I knew my boy had a masochist buried deep inside him somewhere. 

The new phones are finally working.  Seeing "Handset out of range" on the screen meant that...the 15 hours of initial charging time was not enough, it needed 24 hours, lol.  My guess is that after both phones fully charged, the base had some battery that also needed charging, in spite of all these being plugged into electricity.  I miss the good ole days when all I had to do was buy a phone and plug it in, and it worked instantly.

These were necessary, because Bo and I spend so many hours over the phone, daily.  My old cordless kept running out of juice after about two or three hours of talking and would have to be recharged...and only had enough time for maybe another hour.  If my mother or my ex or the neighbor phoned, there was no battery juice left to talk again with my sub.  Bo came up with the solution of getting a cordless that had two phones, so when one battery went dead, the other phone was fully charged.  Just got off the phone with him now...and gawd I have a roaring buzz.  ;) 

Yes, sweetie.  Your submissive heart came shining through and I felt no rough vanilla edges during our phone conversation, so I went soaring.  Without any talk of kink.  I feel blissfully mellow and energized.  See how this cuts both ways...

Your journal entry was beautiful. 

To others that might be reading this, my Bo had problems with his profile during a password update and could not get into wonderfulbo1 anymore, so he made other accounts to that he couldn*t get access to after the first day...until using wonderfulbo4 let him write letters every day.  Now we have fixed this, and he is using his wonderfulbo1 that I prefer.  It has a special meaning for us, that final number one.  I was looking for just one sub...not for two, three, or four.  I want him to be reminded even in small ways that he will be my one and only.

Someone asked my sub tonight what does it mean that he is my collared sub AND we are vanilla dating.  It is my fault, as I have separated D/s relationships from vanilla in the past.  Subs have been very dear to me but never something of a vanilla boyfriend at the same time.  (Yep, my clothes stayed on.) 

As to his status in my life...he is MINE.  The D/s part is right and tight but we are dating in a vanilla way, in addition to our D/s relationship, to see if I can have my cake and eat it too.  I do not have vanilla type sex with a man unless I am in love with him...and so my sub has to do something oldfashioned called "courtship."  Mkay, enough about that, I want to talk about this weekend.  ;)

Bo ended up getting 11 genital piercings done yesterday.  Only two ladders left to go, and he is determined to have them as soon as possible.  It is cute to see him so very excited and happy over this...walking around the house nekkid all the time and pausing before mirrors.  He has a total of 18 genital piercings so far, and we have ten more planned in two sets of five barbel ladders.  At the pubic bone piercing site, he now has a hoop...with a tiny silver unicorn charm dangling from it. 

While at the piercers I noticed a picture in a frame that made me go hmm...  I asked him about it and found out that he had been suspended by hooks in his flesh!  I told him that he is into BDSM then, and is a masochist (and I think a sadist as well, lol), and he is very excited about joining KATS and meeting others with interests like his.  The guy made a bed...of NAILS!!!  (It is leaning up against the wall in the piercing room.)  My eyes lit up and I got a wolfish grin...and my sub looked nervous.  This is the second person in four weeks that I talked with about BDSM...they were into it but didn*t know this.  I explained to the piercer that he doesn*t have to be dominant or submissive, some folks are into bondage, others are spankos, and some get off on sadomasochism.  All of these fall under the BDSM umbrella and we can pick and choose whatever suits us best.  I know many people who are heavily into D/s but not into rituals nor kinky play. 

I am grinning from ear to ear because I have been interested in temporary piercings, and this man is interested in giving demos at play parties...  He is also interested in making...furniture.  ;)  Bed of nails, anyone?  My sub was explaining to him how to make a cross, and then we were treated to many pix of the piercer hanging by hooks in his upper back.  One had him smiling while holding a woman in his arms...both had their feet off the ground.  The look on his face was incredibly happy and peaceful.

Very busy day today, complete with visit to the oncologist, a visit to my family doctor, shopping, and then the long drive to visit my sub for a few days.

I learned that I am very likely still in remission but have some honking huge cyst on my left kidney.  Aaah!  I also described a problem to my new family doctor that had him forgetting himself for a moment to laugh his butt off.  ;)  (Yes, having multiple orgasms to the count of 47 messed up my G-spot.)

Will be busy for a few days.  ;)  Oh, and Saturday will be lovely...I get to watch my boy getting 8 - 11 piercings.  <grins>

Things are going well and I will be driving up to see him on Thursday.  I hope I won*t be upset while driving, but if I am it cannot be helped and we will deal with it.  I cannot wait until my appointment with my oncologist is safely behind me and I have the all clear again.  This is my life; every year I have to get tested and I get all wound up until I hear the magic words.  :)

My Bo hand washed my favorite pillow in his bathtub, dried it thoroughly, splashed some of his cologne on it and then brought it to me.  Each night when I go to sleep, I smile and am reminded of him. 

Another good read in the message boards, about training a new sub...
http://www.collarchat.com/m_3820075/tm.htm


Not all of us approach this the same way, so...read this out of curiosity, find out why people choose one way over another.  Some of the things other kinksters do in r/t is hawt.  ;) 

There are things I consider good reads, and eventually I will make a list of them in my profile so they will not keep getting lost in my old journal entries. 

How many of us have wondered if our interest in BDSM was born within us, or evolved over time because of how we were raised...?  This is a link to an essay written by someone who was asked the same question.  She gave it a great deal of thought and it is something I am making my sub read...we will be discussing it tonight over the phone.  Reading gives us something new to talk about, and is a gateway to understanding each other better than we do already. 

Besides, when we are talking...I am distracted by SOMETHING so I stop thinking mostly about his body and everything I want to do to him.  ;)

The link to an essay on Nature vs Nurture re:  BDSM
http://www.albanypowerexchange.com/Ds/nature.htm

 

Mmm...my sub has plans for soundproofing the room we will use as our dungeon and will be ripping out the drywall soon.  It will take time, as even the window has to come out and something has to be done to soundproof the door.  I am leaving it up to him to work out the details and he is doing a good job. 

Also, we heard back from the male chastity device site, from Support.  This device will do, only we have to wait until after all of his piercings are in place and somewhat healed, and then measure him...then they will make one that will fit him.  There is a huge grin on my face.  ;)  I am stepping up the piercings we had scheduled because I want this device sent off for sooner.  It will take eight months from the time the final payment is made, so we are talking about waiting a year already and I have no wish to wait longer than I have to. 

Piercings are ten times more painful (judging by what I saw) when they are done through scar tissue, and Bo held up fine for having five in a row done through scar tissue.  I want the ladder on top of his penis done next.  But he is giving me that look, begging to have the three hoops in place, one at the pubic bone about an inch above his penis, and two at either side of his scrotum...so...  Yep, I told him he can have those three IF he can endure having them on the same day he gets the ladder put in, lol.  He is all sparkley eyed, swearing that he can endure having them all put into place on the same day (no scar tissue at any of the new piercing sites), and so we have eight piercings planned for the same day.

So this is what the ungodly rush is all about.  That and I enjoy seeing him suffer when he is offering to please me with...a sacrifice.  Especially when I ask him if we need to stop, when he is writhing in agony...and my boy says no and asks for more.  I am so very proud of him.

It was unexpected, having to go a week and a half without seeing each other.  He takes three hours to drive here, but it takes me closer to four and a half to drive to him.  I also stop off at a grocery store to do some shopping on the way home, so that adds to my time.  I need to get out and stretch my legs, and when driving, I drive at or under the speed limit, especially at night and around curves.  Driving 10 to 15 under the limit a lot of the time.  My boy drives like a bat out of hell compared with me.  ;)  Anyway, the gas and tolls are a b*tch.

I had my PET Scan earlier today and am waiting for the results.  I am used to going through this but my boy is not; I doubt he will calm down about this until my oncologist tells me that it was a false alarm and that I am all clear.  Last month I freaked out worrying that my lymphoma was back, and a friend helped me through it until I calmed down.  It took me about a week, I believe.  The ultrasound and mammograms turned out okay, and this is the final hurdle.  My previous PET was in February, but unless new lumps show up I only have to get these every 12 months.

Each of us that lives long enough will end up with a slew of medical problems...spit happens and all that.  ;)

My boy and I were talking on the phone several times today, and a while ago for about two hours until my cordless phone*s battery died.  Every day my cordless phone runs out of juice because we talk for at least 4-6 hours.  Then we switched to my Trak for about twenty minutes, and then to Yahoo IM.  He is waiting for me there, while I finish this, and...darn it, lol, he is eating another popsicle and it is making me want to have him get me a red one. 

I went to the mall yesterday and bought a sterling silver necklace to hold the key to my sub*s collar.  Yeah, I am threatening to add another key to it, LOL.  A chastity device key.  We are still trying to find one with a large enough cage to contain his Monster...as well as all his piercings later.  He is such a piercings slut and I am afraid that his fascination is rubbing off on me.  I think he looks cute in them and have plans for adding 3 more barbel ladders, as well as multiple piercings on his scrotum, one type being called a Hafada.  LOL, remember that I used to dislike piercings until I saw the first one being put in on my sub...it looked like a two inch nail had been driven into...  (Fans herself)

If anyone has experience with male chastity devices that can deal with piercings (frenum ladder, a PA, and at bare minimum another barbel ladder planned for the top), with a cage that can handle someone who is a grower and a shower, let me know.  What I am dealing with is caging up a monster that can grow to 7 inches, and not counting piercings, has a 5 3/4 inch girth.  Flaccid, I have not seen him less than five inches.  The CB6000 he bought before he became mine...as it "fits" him now is a joke, and I am looking into seeing if there are other cages that could be used instead of the one he has.  Even flaccid, he cannot be stuffed in without lots of ice...and once inside, there is no room to grow even a little.  It was a waste of money.

I saw one I liked at this site:  www.chastitytube.com

  Scroll down to where it says Devices in Stock, then to #217.  Does anyone have one of these?  We have contacted Support at that site and they are kind of cringing over the piercings, as well as having a misunderstanding...I do not wish to use any of his piercings to keep a device in place, I merely want them contained within a device.  I am hoping to talk with those who have worn this device, or something else, and have a PA and frenum ladder. 

I will be asking in the message boards soon if this journal entry doesn*t get me enough info (links and advice).  This is not for long term.  Just for a day, during some long scenes, for two or three days, maybe two weeks tops...whenever I feel like it.  Just long enough to enjoy toying with him when the mood hits, I am not interested in keeping him locked up for months or years.  ;)

He also has some spiral metal thing that reminds me of Gates of Hell, or whatever it*s called.  Having barbel piercings made using this impossible.  With the CB6000, the slightest semi makes it push away from his groin by two or three inches.  In addition, he was so snug in the cage that even flaccid he bulged out the air holes.  It is impossible to get water to enter the tube to keep him clean, so unless I can find something to accommodate a larger flaccid girth using these devices would endanger him if I wanted it on for a few days to two weeks.  I used to know of larger chastity devices, but that was over half a dozen years ago and I was not dealing with piercings.

If I have to, I will resort to sewing something myself to lock him up for a scene, but it would be more hawt to buy something I can leave him in between visits.  ;)

To hark back to an earlier journal entry...I have decided not to go to a gyn for plastic dilators so that I won*t rip his barbels all to H and back.  (We have a size incompatibility going on here, and both of us have been celibate for a long time.)  Anyway, I haaaate cold plastic there and have come up with an alternative.  Bo will be buying a book on vaginal fisting called A Hand in the Bush next month and no, fully fisting ain*t never going to happen here, but working up to nearly that point sounds like a good solution.  Can you tell we already had an accident with his new frenum ladder?  I worked him over too well all weekend, to where he was begging for release.  His hand went at it so vigorously that he had to stop...when I surveyed the damage, there was a 1/4 inch rip above as well as 1/4 inch rip below several of the barbels.  Yeah, holy shiite.  I know this is most likely because the piercings were pretty fresh, but it also makes me worry more about injuries in the future.  They are healing up nicely, except for one that migrated a little.  Since I want these perfect, in a few months most likely it will have to be re-done. 

Anyone have a good link on genital piercings that will lead me directly to problems that can come up and ways others have avoided them?  Thanks in advance.

I went to the mall yesterday and bought a sterling silver necklace to hold the key to my sub*s collar.  Yeah, I am threatening to add another key to it, LOL.  A chastity device key.  We are still trying to find one with a large enough cage to contain his Monster...as well as all his piercings later.  He is such a piercings slut and I am afraid that his fascination is rubbing off on me.  I think he looks cute in them and have plans for adding 3 more barbel ladders, as well as multiple piercings on his scrotum.  Wish I remembered the names of them, sorry about that.  When I find the names of these I will edit my journal entry and add them in.  I am also becoming dreadfully curious about how others...use piercings...to torment their subs.  LOL.  Remember that I used to dislike piercings until I saw the first one being put in on my sub...it looked like a two inch nail had been driven into...  (Fans herself)

If anyone has experience with male chastity devices that can deal with piercings (frenum ladder, a PA, and at bare minimum another barbel ladder planned for the top), with a cage that can handle someone who is a grower and a shower, let me know.  What I am dealing with is caging up a monster that can grow to 7 inches, and not counting piercings, has a 5 3/4 inch girth.  Flaccid, I have not seen him less than five inches.  The CB6000 he bought before he became mine...as it "fits" him now is a joke, and I am looking into seeing if there are other cages that could be used instead of the one he has.  Even flaccid, he cannot be stuffed in without lots of ice...and once inside, there is no room to grow even a little.  It was a waste of money.

I saw one I liked at this site:  www.chastitytube.com

  Scroll down to where it says Devices in Stock, then to #217.  Does anyone have one of these?  We have contacted Support at that site and they are kind of cringing over the piercings, as well as having a misunderstanding...I do not wish to use any of his piercings to keep a device in place, I merely want them contained within a device.  I am hoping to talk with those who have worn this device, or something else, and have a PA and frenum ladder. 

I will be asking in the message boards soon if this journal entry doesn*t get me enough info (links and advice).  This is not for long term.  Just for a day, during some long scenes, for two or three days, maybe two weeks tops...whenever I feel like it.  Just long enough to enjoy toying with him when the mood hits, I am not interested in keeping him locked up for months or years.  ;)

He also has some spiral metal thing that reminds me of Gates of Hell, or whatever it*s called.  Having barbel piercings made using this impossible.  With the CB6000, the slightest semi makes it push away from his groin by two or three inches.  In addition, he was so snug in the cage that even flaccid he bulged out the air holes.  It is impossible to get water to enter the tube to keep him clean, so unless I can find something to accommodate a larger flaccid girth using these devices would endanger him if I wanted it on for a few days to two weeks.  I used to know of larger chastity devices, but that was over half a dozen years ago and I was not dealing with piercings.

If I have to, I will resort to sewing something myself to lock him up for a scene, but it would be more hawt to buy something I can leave him in between visits.  ;)

To hark back to an earlier journal entry...I have decided not to go to a gyn for plastic dilators so that I won*t rip his barbels all to H and back.  (We have a size incompatibility going on here, and both of us have been celibate for a long time.)  Anyway, I haaaate cold plastic there and have come up with an alternative.  Bo will be buying a book on vaginal fisting called A Hand in the Bush next month and no, fully fisting ain*t never going to happen here, but working up to nearly that point sounds like a good solution.  Can you tell we already had an accident with his new frenum ladder?  I worked him over too well all weekend, to where he was begging for release.  His hand went at it so vigorously that he had to stop...when I surveyed the damage, there was a 1/4 inch rip above as well as 1/4 inch rip below several of the barbels.  Yeah, holy shiite.  I know this is most likely because the piercings were pretty fresh, but it also makes me worry more about injuries in the future.  They are healing up nicely, except for one that migrated a little.  Since I want these perfect, in a few months most likely it will have to be re-done. 

Anyone have a good link on genital piercings that will lead me directly to problems that can come up and ways others have avoided them?  Thanks in advance.

I am finally back home...arrived a bit over two hours ago and have been on the phone with my boy until just a moment ago, when I sent him off to bed. 

We spent time visiting his mother, and then spent time with his sister...both visits went well; I think they liked me.  Bo said that his mother usually just sits silently and glares at women he brings over to meet her, lol, so it was good that she and I seemed to hit it off and were talking a blue streak.  She had him take me to one of the rooms in her house that had her dolls.  Yaay!  (Um...both of us have some Cabbage Patch dolls that we dress up.) 

On the previous day, his best friend came over to play pool and I was able to meet him as well.  The three of us playing pool was nice.  Bo had had his frenum ladder put in earlier that day and somehow managed to be his normal self...and he (tries to think of a masculine word for sashayed) all over that room for an hour and a half because he felt my eyes all over his body.  Both of us are disgustingly touchy-feely, and I enjoy my little limpet very much.

His collar looks verrry good on him.   

I am typing this from my boy's computer, so I doubt I will have to deal with the apostrophe glitch.  Yay!

We are doing well.  :)  I came here on Thursday and will be going back home on Saturday night.  The piercings were OUCH DAMMIT, lol, yes...lovely to watch.  Unfortunately I left the room to use the restroom, and when I came back the first one barbel was almost in place.  I was treated to the sight of what looked like a 2 inch nail driven through the base of his *****.  Gawd, I wish I had had my camera with me.  That one was the easiest, as the others went through scar tissue.  He almost quit many times but decided to keep going, determined to gift me with all five that same day.  I am so very proud of him.

When we got back to his home, I locked his new collar around his neck and am going home with the keys.  We are both smiling and happy...and he is very sore in a multitude of places.  <grins>

My boy keeps having difficulties getting into his wonderfulbo1 account, and has had to make up other ones just to gain access to the old one or to contact Support. 

Whatever number is after his username, it is the same man and he is mine.  wonderfulbo1, wonderfulbo, wonderfulbo4....2 and 3 seem to have disappeared.  By making a new and similar profile, somehow it signed him in to his old one, wonderfulbo1.  Logging in under wonderfulbo1 doesn*t work.  I wondered if his sucky typing caused this problem, that when CM had everyone update their passwords, he had an uh oh...like one hand resting on the wrong keys.  We are still waiting for Support to send him his new password to his email account.

I just hope he didn*t dyslex a letter with his email account, lol.  I plan to contact Alpha sometime when I can locate her in the message boards, so we can fix his wonderfulbo1 account and close out any others. 

His collar arrived in the mail today.  I was worried that it might not arrive in time and would foul up my plans.  I am driving up to spend the night, and the next day we are driving to his piercer for five frenum piercings.  It will also be the day he is collared.

Drat.  I went to my minivan to take mom to Walmart...and my minivan wouldn*t start.  Aargh.  When B phoned, I let him know about the problem and he is coming here tomorrow to fix it.  He knows exactly what came loose, and thinks he can handle this and get back to Charleston in time to get some other work done for a friend.

I could keep him here for the day...but I would rather he managed to do both things.  I had him all day long yesterday and am feeling mellow enough to let him come, fix it, and go soon afterward.  Both of us are looking forward to this coming week when he will be pierced and then collared.

Both of us are learning from each other.  What I am learning...is how to mix vanilla with D/s.  Surpisingly enough, it takes more trust on my part  I have never had a vanilla man try to earn my trust before...and this is what my sub is doing for me by simply being himself.

Sorry I cannot say the L word yet, Bo...but damn, you are really starting to get to me in some warm fuzzy kind of way.  (We will keep taking this in baby steps.)

Note to self...do not give into temptation and tease him into going all floaty...he has to drive to Charleston safely.  Maybe I ought to just hide the key somewhere and sleep in.  (Know how hard it is to have your sub close by and NOT...feed...?) 

This journal entry will be about collars.  I know he is mine, and I want to put my mark on him so he has something to hold onto when I am not there.  Before putting my mark on him physically, I had to put my mark on his mind and his heart.  An "invisible collar" had to be in place first before I would allow him to wear a physical one.

This is just me...others may choose to do this differently.  Friends I knew when I first got into this were a married, poly couple.  For them, a collar was the same as a wedding band, while another friend...saw a collar as a way of saying "we are dating and she is my girlfriend."  I fall somewhere between the two.  It is a symbol of our relationship to each other; that he is MINE.  Anticipating this event, we have been looking in stores for just the right one, and I have had him looking online.  He loved big chunky things that screamed, "I am into BDSM and I am owned!"  LOL.  I prefer something with vanilla type symbolisms...not sure if that is the right word...included.  I was wanting his collar to be a silver chain...it must be silver (any Lone Ranger fans will understand why I prefer silver over gold)...I wanted the chain to be something a bit fragile, to remind us both that this relationship is also fragile and needs both of us to work together to keep it strong.  If/when he becomes my boyfriend/lover, as well as being my sub, he would be the magical beast I have been looking for all of these years...my unicorn...and I wanted his collar to reflect this with a silver unicorn charm.  We found the right unicorn charm, one that is not as delicate as others...sort of manly and proud looking.  I will keep this until the time is right to add this to his body, either to his collar or through another piercing.  (I am considering piercing his navel as well as his...)

Looking in jewelry stores, etc., I saw nothing that appealed to me.  He has been doing his homework online and has found something that I like...it also had to have a lot of meaning for him, with vanilla type symbolism as well, and not just be any generic BDSM collar.  He found this:  http://store.fetish-factory.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=Items.ShowItemDetails&itemid=133473&location=C_1

 

It is a double link chain, and will symbolize the two of us linked together in this, our committment binding us together for a common cause, to make this work for the long run.  I am choosing this over something more fragile because I liked the poetry of his feelings when he told me how he saw this collar.  Notice that it also has a heart lock with keys.  I plan to own his heart too and not just his body.  Later, if/when I take him as more than my sub, seeing in him my unicorn that I have been searching so hard for, his collar will be upgraded to one exactly like this one...but made from solid silver.  He would like to attach the unicorn to the collar.  This is possible...but I am thinking of piercing his navel instead...and having the charm hidden, something more private.

I will be driving to see him for two days and one night.  Soon.  On the second day we will be going to the piercer.  (For those of you into piercing, you can guess how rough his day will be because he is getting 5 frenum piercings.  Yeah, AAAAAH!!!)  Later that day I will lock my collar around his neck and go home with the keys.

He is free to keep contact with his friends, and to make new ones.  His journal will reflect his growth as a sub and his epiphanies, as well as unhappy moments.  I am laughing right now because I wonder what he will be writing in it next week...when we were together all day long yesterday, we also went to Walmart.  ...And he had to keep handing me ginger roots until I found just the right one...  (For those of you who think I plan to cook with it...look up "figging.") 

When I explained to him in detail what was going to happen, his eyes did something like this...  

I have been seducing his masochistic nature, waking it up...and he is growing into quite the little pain slut, lol.  I still remember when he was telling me he hated pain and could never learn to like it.  Mwahahahaha...  Now during pain play alone he has intense, scream-your-head-off orgasms, lol. 

I am so lucky to have found him. 

Today I woke up and talked with Bo for several hours, then went down for a nap.  When I woke up again and came to CollarMe...I felt the need to go look at his journal entry.  What a lovely surprise.  (Will post it here shortly.)  Because of his past head injury, his spelling will always be something a problem for others to read sometimes, but I understand him well.  I know this seems to be moving ahead so very fast but it cannot be helped.  We spend almost all day long on the phone, day after day.  Even on days when he visits.

What he wrote in his journal that made me smile:
This is my second journal entre. I am very happy now and wish to thank Cynthia for making me that way. We have only met twice but in those two meeting I have gained a whole new approach to BDSM. We are good together and we have the most wonderful  connection. I know when she thinks of me and she can tell when I am thinking of her.  We push the right buttons with each other.  She is makeing me more hers every day.  I am drawn to her like a moth to a flame. She has me thinking of her flogins as pleasure not pain. she cause me to get erect with just her voice and with very little effort puts me in a state where I can almost cum on her command.
   This is like nothing I have ever known. I hope we can be together the rest of my life. She is going to let Me have my pierceings put back in and add new ones. This makes me very happy I loved my pierceings . They made me fell cute and sexy. She says I am her Unicorn and show pony in one. I am going now and well write more latter.

I am still amazed over how compatible with each other we are, both within D/s and in vanilla.  As I said in the Positive Experiences area of the message boards, "After searching on and off for somewhere between 7 and 8 years, I guess a girl has to run out of frogs at one point or another."

Yeah, I was also very bad.  When we were leaving Sears and in his truck, I could not resist winding him up by taking a fist full of his hair and...talking.  It was fun pushing him very close to the edge and then almost pushing him over.  Am not into public humiliation play though, and didn*t want to drag him around from store to store with an obvious stain on the front of his pants, lol.  He is so fun to torment.  ;)

He is also getting very used to subspacing.  I know...(shakes finger at self)...bad me, bad, bad me, lol.  Really, he is irresistible.  Sometimes I see him as my pony, sometimes as my wriggly little puppy...and yes...also as the mythical beast I thought I would never find.  I am very pleased with him, and this is moving in the direction I want it to go.

On Wednesday I spent a good seven hours with wonderfulbo1, and after he arrived back home we talked until sometime after two a.m.

Oh lordy...I think I am a gonner. 

(If it is this good between us in public while "vanilla dating," when I finally take it private...and dig out the hand cuffies and floggers and stuff...)  Even with our hand holding alone, I think some folks were wanting to tell us to go get a room.

B...sweet dreams hon.  See you this Friday or Saturday.

Another thread from the message boards that was a fun read:

Is it really all about sex?  http://www.collarchat.com/m_3793256/mpage_1/tm.htm

 

Go read...you know you really want to.    Why not toss in your opinions with the others...? 

(Comes back from reading B*s journal entry.)

Yes, I did indeed have him brush out my hair on our very first meetup.  Outside the steak house were long, empty benches. tucked into a sort of wrap-around porch.  It felt like a semiprivate nook, and I had him pull out the long bench and then I slung my leg over and sat down.  He sat behind me and brushed.  It was so nice and soothing for the both of us and he relaxed and started talking in a steady stream.  Btw, he is very gentle and didn*t hurt me even once, and managed to do a thorough job of it for somewhere between an hour and an hour and a half.

We drew only a little attention, and only occasionally.  Mostly women who would linger at the entrance to the porch and keep finding excuses to look in our direction.  I know that several wished their man would do for them what Bo was doing for me...or maybe they were remembering when their own daddy brushed their hair while enjoying a talk.  Doing this was a good ice breaker, and allowed me to discover a lot about him...part of it being that he is thoughtful and very gentle.  I did tease him about the women who were envious of the service I was getting.  He did not falter nor cringe when he knew he was being watched.  My hair touched the bench between us and a breeze blew my hair around a little...and in spite of this challenge, not once did he hurt me while locating and getting some small knot out. 

This sub opens doors without being told, walks around to open car doors, and is sweet and gentlemanly.  Our date was five hours long, and we were talking the entire time.  After the steak house I tethered him to me and led him all over the mall.  We lingered at a piercing pagoda and I watched him flush and get literally...shaky.  I made him hold out his hands to me while my arm stayed tucked into his elbow, and I was right.  Even his hands were noticeably shaking.  LOL, it was cute. 

We have changed his shoes from the white ones in his pic to...black and blue ones.  Yes, that gives me a chuckle.  His white shoes are excellent but remind me of bad memories and so he bought new ones while we were at the mall.  I chose these for him.  They are mostly black with royal blue lining.  I like the symbolism of trading out his white shoes that he bought when he was still a BDSM virgin to...wearing black and blue.  He looks very nice in them.  Adorable.  He likes them even more now that he sees them through my eyes, and he loves the shade of blue...  It will match the colors of the flogger I plan to use on him if this continues to progress nicely.

We are having daily phone contact for 5 or more hours, and I have plans to see him three days per week.  He is allowed to phone me 24/7 as something has happened between us; both of us feel an energy buzz type of leash in place.  It was there after the first 20 minutes.  Usually this doesn*t happen until after someone is already mine.  It feels like I am putting the cart before the horse, establishing a D/s connection before working out the vanilla one.  Yeah, I am kicking myself for this and am trying to slow this down and really get to know him first before taking what my internal beast feels is already mine. 

My focus has narrowed onto this sub, and yes, I am probably thinking with my little head because the D/s energy crackling between us is so powerful that I feel that I am walking like a duck all day long...  However, I am stronger than my base instincts.    Batteries are cheap...shhhh.  *winks*  I will cool...er...slow myself down to know if we are compatible for long term. 

I had planned to vanilla date him for a month or two before declaring him UC (under consideration) but the connection between us is just too good.  I have to, in some small way, claim him as mine while I am seeing if we are compatible in more than just THIS.  He is free to talk with all the friends he wants, as well as making journal entries so that he has outlets to expresss himself and what he is going through.  He will be wandering over to the message boards side of CollarMe, but will not be allowed to post there while he is UC to me.  When he becomes more familiar with the other posters and has a feel for the message boards...he will have the option to start posting then.

Something tells me I will not be able to resist taking him for a test run by our 4th meetup.  (Yesssss, the energy buzz is making me so hawt to tie him up and flog him!)  LOL, I am laughing at myself over my hunger and impatience.

I have started dating a male sub from CollarMe, wonderfulbo1.

(Waves to B and smiles.)  Good to finally meet you.

I made a bad judgment call and missed out on meeting up.  When someone else came here from Charleston, WV, it took almost three hours to get here even though Mapquest said something like an hour and forty minutes.  I waited outside of Applebees for a good hour and a half back then.  This time, when I heard that another from CM*s expected arrival was in an hour and a half... 

I think I read several chapters in a book while taking a bubblebath, thinking I had all the time in the world, and then spent 45 minutes talking with my mother over the phone.    Yes, sometimes I am guilty of being rude, especially when I have a lot weighing on my mind. 

Oh, and while I was on the phone with mom, a thunderstorm hit, lol.

My vehicle?  Can you believe that my new (two years old) fuel pump got sucked into my farking gas tank...!!!  I will be paying for a second tow truck to haul it away from the mechanic*s and back to my home until I can get it fixed.  Planning meetups and then my minivan goes kablooey...

The following day I had a million things to do. 

B was fine.  :)

Anyway, I am without wheels again.  That same pesky fuel problem that we cannot get to the bottom of yet.  I had to leave my minivan behind at some mall and take a taxi home.  I have so much to do on Monday.  :(   It is so very hot that I want to lie around the house and not move a muscle, lol.

Unless the problem is some dinky one the mechanic can fix easily, I will have to go without transportation until after the first.  If it is that expensive part I need, it will be weeks before I can get it.  My ex-husband lives in Florida, is a master mechanic, and is looking all over for the best deal on that very old part.  (crosses fingers for luck)

Am about to wash my Rapunzel like hair and then wait for it to air dry and then braid it.  I can deal with my hair being slightly above my arse, but this is driving me batshit crazy.  Just a few more inches and I will make a donation to Locks of Love again.  Men, unless you have sat on your hair and had it almost ripped out by the roots when you accidentally looked down at the floor...ouch, my neck hurts just thinking about those moments.  I have to keep it braided at all times or else my cats might choke to death on strands that fall out. 

I am reminded of a dear friend of mine.  I was a child when she was my neighbor, and her husband demanded that her hair be kept to her hips, hanging down without braids or fancy hairdos.  They had a baby boy, and so every day I would see Rebecca on her hands and knees, after vacuuming, using her hairbrush to scrape over every inch of the carpets to catch any stray long hairs that could choke her baby to death if he tried to eat them.  Funny how growing my hair almost to the tops of my thighs would remind me of a friend I lost touch with over twenty years ago. 

It is raining.  :(  I was planning a meetup with a couple from CM and will now look like a drowned rat. 

My "Newest Local Users" button lit up all shiny red so I went and took a look...and saw that someone I recognised had killed off his old profile and has started up another one.

B...are you okay? 

Got my minivan back from the mechanic today and drove all over the place, even to Princeton, just for the pleasure of driving.  Brake problems are over, yaaaaay!  It was nasty brake lines that needed replacing, and my "new" master cylinder was faulty. 

I am flat broke, lol, but at least my fridge and deep freezer are full, I have half a dozen two liter bottles of soda pop in the house (yes, sugar and caffiene free), and I rented 9 movies and bought three seasons of old tv shows that we had been missing.  One of Monk, and two seasons of Heroes. 

  It is going to be a very good month from now until August.  I*ll just forget that the first almost three weeks happened.

Attention sadists...even sadistic subs...becoming someone who gives mammograms is where it*s at, lol, an ideal job right up there with being a tatooing artist.  (Yes, I just had mine and AAAARGH!!!  Then she smirked and told me that I should be getting a mammogram EVERY YEAR...!)

For those who are too young to have them yet...imagine this...boobs smashed thin like a pancake while you hold your breath.  Smashed.  Like.  Pancake.  "Boobs" are grabbed from shortly under the collar bone...yep, you heard me right.  Don*t scream blue murder because...you are supposed to hold your breath while the machine does it*s thing.  One every year during your forties...dangnabbit...anyone else imagining squished boobs hanging down to thier navel and...oh gawd, I want a wonder bra.  In ten years, I want a boob job too.  Any plastic surgeons who are subbies out there???  (((Bats eyes and looks around expectantly/hopefully.)))

Wait a sec while I phone someone at the North Pole.  "SANTA, can I put in advance order for...?  Yes, one plastic surgeon buck nekkid under my tree with a big purple bow tied over his...  Perfect.  ...Ah, yes, but I can explain!  That flogger I sent Mrs. Claus WAS FOR THE REINDEER..." 

  Uh oh.  I thought I heard some muttering about coal in my stocking...

I am stuck at home this weekend.  :(

Yesterday, my brakes went all funny and I have to wait until a mechanic can squeeze me in on his schedule.  My vehicle was at a mechanic three times last month (no, I am NOT going to just shoot my minivan and bury her, lol).  Fuel line problems, and at least now I know that the fuel filter has been replaced and my tank drained of water and she passed her sticker before throwing fits.  The brake pads are fine for another year or two, and last year the master cylinder was replaced so I am clueless about why my brake petal suddenly went almost all the way to the floor board. 

I waaaaannted to go fishing, or picnicing or SOMETHING.  I will have to be taking busses in ninety something degree heat all day tomorrow just to pay bills. 

Yeah, waaah waaah waaah. 

At least I managed to use the drive through at McDonalds, yesterday, for a Happy Meal to get my Pokemon toy.  Am collecting the set and snagged Oshawott...and only need Zoroark now.  (Briefly considers becoming a "Pokemon tribute Domme"...where the "tribute" is a small Pokemon, lol.  Imagines men, standing in line at McD*s and blushing when it is time for them to order a Happy Meal Pokemon toy...) 

WEG (wide evil grin)

Will be sipping lemonaide with New2Domme tomorrow, and doing my best to avoid the sun.  Soon I hope to visit ShySilverRose...  Nope, three trips to the mechanic this month were not enough to handle the fuel problem I*m having, and I will go one more time before visiting Hinton. 

The doc put me on Bactrim (an antibiotic that can be used for bladder infection) that makes people more sensitive to the sun.  Even without antibiotics, I start burning after about 15 minutes...aargh, lol.  It is not easy being blonde, even my scalp can burn if I*m not careful.  My old parasol bit the dust and I need to get to work on a new one; I like lace on mine.  ;)

Half a dozen years ago I used to read stories at a fanfic site and had forgotten the name.  The name had changed.  Everyone knows I am terrible at finding things over the internet, but somehow I got lucky with this (this is my lucky week for finding people and sites I misplaced) and will be spending a lot of my online time reading stories there.  Mailroom time at CM will be about the same, just my message boards reading will be cut back.  I am very lucky...I used to spend hours at three different sites over half a dozen years ago, but EZ Board was hacked and one of my favorite fan sites was gutted, another site is undergoing some modifications and is not accessible (sp?), and yet this third one remains entirely the same...and I stayed up till dawn, reading and not wanting to go to bed.  It is a rediscovered joy.  :) 

Another friend phoned me last night, ABgamergrrl, and we spent time talking about one of our favorite subjects...Pokemon!  LOL.  McD*s has Pokemon toys and cards with their Happy Meals right now, and she is short of the Zorua (cute lil doggie that is a shapeshifter) and I am missing the Oshawott (does pretty water attacks, in a magical fireworks type way).  On the first, my family is going out for a Happy Meal snack, lol, cuz I want those toys.  (The birds can eat the french fries.)

In the past I bought a lot of Pokeballs (had a little Pokemon inside) so that my son could have the Pokeballs and I could have the small toy for our Pokemon Monopoly game.  Yep, I tucked those few pewter playing pieces away in a drawer, and replaced them with scores of plastic animals for us to choose from.  I am planning on using modeling clay, a type used for making jewelry, to sculpt Pokemon chess pieces someday.  Deciding which to sculpt will be difficult as there are hundreds to choose from.  Maybe the first set will be of dragon Pokemon, with Charizard being king on one side of the board.  I have always loved dragons.  ;)

Yes, I have also watched How to Train Your Dragon several times.  So adorable that they managed to make a dragon appear catlike some of the time in that cartoon movie. 

Oh gawd!  LOL.  I was going through verrrry old papers in my desk today, and found an address of a friend I lost touch with almost half a dozen years ago.  She was waiting for several of her books that had been accepted for publishing to be printed.  It was a long wait.  I lost track of her when my old computer broke down and ate her address, or so I thought.  Hers was the only one I had saved on a slip of paper and not just in a Word document, lol.  Yay!

Her handwriting was so...er...let*s just say that it is a blessing that she can type.  Anyway, I went to Amazon.com...and holy cow, she had nine books out!  I am so proud of her.  <huge silly grin>  I tried to find the publisher on Amazon, and then tried the name of the first book, but dozens of books seemed to have that same title.  Then...I tried typing in her name, hoping that she hadn*t chosen a pen name.

And now I have her address.  Or old address.  :(  She sent a Christmas card or something over a year ago but the handwriting... <crosses eyes> 

Could.  Not.  Read.  It.

At least one of them is a vampire story, or maybe it was about dragons.  I love those.  Several years back, while we were waiting for the publishing date to approach, I told her that I would buy a copy but that she would have to autograph it...  Oooh yeah! 

I still cannot get over seeing her first, middle, and last name AND her books all listed at Amazon.  I wish other friends I have lost touch with over the years were as easy to find.  Today, and seeing her pic even after all this time, was like getting a birthday present.

I just had a great day shopping with my mother.  People that we love are a blessing that we cannot take for granted, and I try to enjoy her as much possible...someday these days I spend with her will be just a memory.  She is a delight to me, btw, even when she is a colossal pain in the butt.  <grins>

She phoned me from a grocery store, and wanted to avoid taking the bus or walking home by having me pick her up.  I don*t know why people who don*t drive think that those of us with cars can just...teleport instantly to wherever they are, LOL.  She wanted me there in less than five minutes and I had to explain to her that it will take ten to fifteen minutes of driving just to reach her, and ten minutes to get ready to leave the house.  Anyway, she decided to walk up the road to McDonalds and wait for me there.

Yes, she had a Happy Meal and didn*t tell me what her toy was.  <grins>

We went to Joann Fabrics and I was looking at the trims available and was fondling one, smiling.  Mom came up to me and asked why did I want that for and I told her that it wasn*t a good time to talk about it and that later would be better.  In spite of the vanillas nearby, she had to roll her eyes at me and say, "Oh, you want to use it to make a whip to beat some man with."  So okay, she knows me too well and has the discretion of a gnat...I love her anyway for all of her quirks...and yes, she embarrassed me, lol.  The trim was that black leather with metal holes that kids were using to make chokers...I have three floggers made from this stuff and was considering a fourth or fifth. 

Time to get offline and put my feet up for some Pokemon playing on my DS Lite.  I think I will do some global trading today, just to get more pins in my game*s globe.  Oh, and Pokemon Rumble on the Wii...

B, yes we are friends.  Yes, I could have used a shoulder to cry on but yours isn*t available.  Luckily I have several friends from CM who are helping me through this.  It is part of the past that I am dealing with, and would be a violation of TOS at CM if I mentioned it here, my journal entry would also be deleted.

I am in complete understanding about your being forbidden to write journal entries now.  She is more tolerant than I am, because if I had a sub who was dreaming about when our contract was over, and going on and on about two other Dommes he would rather have been with, I would have cut him loose.  (How would you feel to have a wife or girlfriend telling everyone publically that she would rather be with one of several other guys than stuck with you?)  That deleted journal entry where you said she had a vanilla boyfriend who didn*t know about all her slaves, that she might marry him and release you...that was indiscreet.  Either decide to not be part of cheating, or else suck it up and guard the lady*s reputation. 

Personally, married people and those in sexual relationships with others are deal breakers for me.  If it is not a deal breaker for you, then that is a matter between you and your own conscience and I could not give advice.  Sure they might break up and it is possible that you might be the next boyfriend...see how wrong it is that I even know about this, through your journal entries?  Yes, I can see why you are under restriction.

Btw, I have had correspondence with your mentor.  She is a lovely lady and it is rare that I get to talk with someone else who sews.  I thought she would be a member of the munch group and so I made contact.  It was just a few letters...and I am so envious over her talent for sewing Ren Faire clothing.  I have never sewn a bodice or corset in my life.

If I can find someone to accept my medical insurance, I will go for counseling over this issue I am dealing with.  So far, I am a bit shell shocked to put much effort into it, but will do better next week.  Friend or not, you cannot help in any way because your M would not allow it.  Yeah, I am in a "cr*pstorm" right now, but...nobody is dying, the roof hasn*t caved in, and I am still in remission so basically I am okay.  

Your M knows who I am, and if she reads my journal entry then you can expect another beating.  

Another BTW, a friend of mine was born and raised in your town and I wonder if you knew each other or are kinfolk.  ;)  Her son broke his arm around a month ago and was taken from here to Charleston, and they stayed with family.  He left his game bag behind and I was considering taking them to her kin to pick it up whenever my vehicle is done with visits to the mechanic.  It will really tickle my funny bone if you are related. 

If you were any other friend from CM, I would have been able to visit with you while passing through your area.

Something I believe should be required reading, to wake some guys up to what they are doing so they can stop acting like the guys in the audience and behave more like the guy who offered icecream. 
Here it is from the CollarMe message boards...The Bitch in High Heels by Aakasha:  http://www.collarchat.com/m_89346/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#89346

 

I want to thank several friends who are helping me through something ugly I am dealing with.  Instead of the nightmares and stuff I expected, last night in my dreams I was talking with a counselor, lol. 

Today is nice and cool, just like yesterday.  Saturday I am planning to go black raspberry picking and it would be nice if the weather holds. 

Hint to newbies...do not go into the message boards and place an ad unless you are a masochist.  That is what this side of CM is for...  The other side is for socializing and learning.  (The boards can be great if you lurk for a week or two and read before beginning any posting.) 

Something that was asked in the message boards recently was...the rudest things Dommes have said:   http://www.collarchat.com/m_3695611/mpage_1/tm.htm

 

Anyway, I made confessions of times I have been rude and will probably continue to be rude in the future.  I should have added yet another to my list.  Real life gets in my way, and I will let mail sit for a week or two and it gets deeply buried, pages and pages deep.  I am over a week behind right now because of doctor apmts., mechanic apmts. for my vehicle and shopping and yard work and...being ill.  My kid is also ill.  It*s okay, nobody is dying, but you know how life gets sometimes.  My mother is in her seventies and sometimes needs most of my energy for a day at a time, and sometimes other things come up...like losing internet service for two weeks...this happened somewhere in January I believe.  At another time, mom had three falls in one day and really messed up her knee...a seventysomething year old woman who has her knee swell up to the size of a cantaoupe is serious.  We spent all day waiting in the emergency room and then I had to take care of her needs for a while.

There are things I like to do when I come online, like read mail from relatives and r/t friends, internet friends, people who might be possibilities...and I also enjoy (usually) reading in the message boards for an hour or two per day.  I am not a perfect person, and I cannot spend 8-12 hours per day online to do everything I want to do...perfectly, without being rude to anybody.  So when I provoke anger, I ask forgiveness; if I make someone feel like I have treated them like dirt...I am truly sorry.  It was not my intent.

Some time later I will post links to interesting reads in the message boards, but right now I am wanting downtime again.  Just found out that a poster I was very familiar with has passed away.  slavekal.  I regret not buying the book he wrote, The Courage to Submit, before he died.  My condolences to his Mistress and to those who knew him well.

LOL, I cannot believe I have to wait till Monday for my antibiotics.  Some problem with my insurance company needing something from the doctor and the internist didn*t write some code down.  The clinic closed at noon, and will not reopen until Monday.

The doc said I will be infectious until seven days after I start antibiotics, so I am not meeting anyone from CM until my strep throat is gone.

I cannot wait until autumn, because that is when I will start sewing again.  I have some PVC fabric and plan to sew several pairs of opera length gloves.  Have to finish seam ripping my old black lycra gloves to get the pattern.  In the meantime, I have to deadhead my roses so I will get more blooms...and soon my black raspberries will be ready to pick...I am expecting at least two gallons from my yard.  Yay, black raspberry pancake syrup, black raspberry jam, and some berries individually frozen for muffins.   

Ran out of steam today, already.  I have a cold, most likely strep throat, and am emptying a book case of my Star Trek TNG books to move them downstairs into a covered tub.  Trying to take an inventory and mark which books I am missing, so that next month I can go to that used bookstore in Princeton.  I should be missing very few, and with some of my very favorites...I have several copies.  Metamorphosis and Q-in-Law come to mind.  ;)

Oh no, I seem to have only one copy of Relics.  (Note to self, buy one or two more copies!)  Some of these I have read so many times over the years that the pages started falling out, and this is why I buy more than one copy of my best of the best.

I need to have a downstairs room or two with floor to ceiling book shelves.  One room for DVDs and the other for books. 

I miss having a sewing room...

Going to un-hide my profile for a while.  Am surprised that my batteries got recharged that fast.

I had a great day yesterday in spite of the sunburn; went to masses of garage sales, met another kinkster from CM who moved here from NC, a female switch, and went shopping and bought something that had been on my list for a very long time.  Too bad they were out of all but the demo model and it has no instructions...I have to phone the company and do whatever I have to do to get those papers, even if it is from an online source. 

I bought ear plugs for when I use that small chipper shredder.  My neighbors will probably be sick and tired of hearing it running during the next few months, mwahahaha.  My back yard is a waist high weed patch and though I cannot do landscaping this year, weed wacker refuse will no longer be a problem...vroooooom!  Mulch.  ;)  I wasn*t okay with setting fire to the yard waste, and cannot haul it all uphill to the road...so this is me doing a happy dance.  Several years ago I planted a lot of dwarf and semi-dwarf fruit trees back there, as well as many raspberry and blackberry canes.

Bought replacement roof tiles and roof tile nails for the ones that blew off during the last storm.  Now only getting someone to climb up there and do the work...someone I can afford.  Am considering buying the $200 ladder and a huge can (the only size available) of roof tar and saying to heck with it.  In spite of not everything being done yet, I am riding a happy wave.  (It is almost a post-orgasmic feeling, lol.)

B, I did go look at penis piercings on the net and know what a PA and frenulum barbels look like now.  There were plenty of pix and drawings. 

Sorry, but I will not look at your piercings pix in your profile because you are not mine, and if for some reason we should ever meet in the future, I would rather have seen your face first before seeing your penis.  This is my personal preference, not a put down of your body art.  Long time ago, friends showed me their nipple and clit piercings, and even a small hoop piercing between scrotum and anus.  In person, not through pix.  ;)

Want to see what I think is hawt? 

Some of the penis jewelry here:  www.penisplugsablaze.com



And some of the things pictured here at CollarMe*s BDSM Gear link:  http://www.extremerestraints.com/cock-and-ball-toys_191/

B, lol about feeling horny today, and having a nice, happy fantasy buzz going on after spending time with your Mistress.  Why do you think male subs get into this?  It isn*t all about punishment and work.  ;)  Channeling your energy into something constructive like getting your yard work done is a good idea.

Do you feel the extra energy I spoke of, as well as the calming effect? 

Look back on your journal entries this past week.  The angst and upset feelings you felt were solved by talking with your Mistress.  She is a good listener and is earning your trust more and more, and you are learning how to take your problems and thoughts to her more and more.  This is a good thing.  :)

I have friends that I rarely touch bases with, and yet we remain friends.  I will read your journal entries from time to time, but I am on hiatus right now and since letters from men keep getting sent to my mailbox anyway, I will be putting my profile on hide in a week or two to put a stop to that. 

My journal entries will not be available for others to read, though friends who have written me in the past and have not deleted a letter I sent will be able to send me mail that way, or through my message boards posts.  There are several people either moving to my city, driving through, or visiting other friends here in Bluefield and I will be meeting up with them. 

If I see you and your Mistresss at a munch, we can say hello there.  After I am finished with being away, possibly we can talk some more.

I am so grateful for electricity, and for being able to get online.  Yesterday, we had a storm and lost electricity at 8 p.m. and it didn*t get restored till a short while ago, at 3 p.m.

Am behind in my letters again, lol.  Oh, I eat late here and when the power went out, my late lunch became a peanut butter and jelly sandwitch and iced tea.  Dinner was 8 oz of syrupy sweet grape wine and two raw carrots. 

Today I broke down when I drove to Walmart (that had electricity) and heard someone talking about power outages and how she had to deal with one that lasted for four days last year...and...that did it for me!  LOL, we went to Subway and charged a foot long sandwitch each, and then I bought apples, other supplies for easy food, and to my son*s glee...doughnuts.  I am overweight and only buy doughnuts once per one to three months.  This was around 9 or 10 a.m., and I even bought a bag of ice and cleaned out an old ice chest I usually save for when we are going camping.  I am so glad I do not have to transfer everything out of the fridge into an ice chest, yay!

Besides, I am a Pokemon player (game system is DS Lite) and I couldn*t recharge my game players.  One machine was in the red, and the other one was on it*s way there and eeep, I*d might have to read books to keep busy or yank some weeds in the pouring rain just to have something to do. 

A friend of mine from another BDSM site phoned my landline last night, to talk and to trade, as I had caught her some very special Pokemon baby animals to raise and have fun with.  Problem was that my modem/router thingy needed electricity to create a WIFI connection.  I want to catch up with letters and what I am behind on in the message boards, but...my son is watching McHale*s Navy on the tv downstairs and I love watching that while playing my Pokemon Black game. 

Besides, I need to use my Action Replay to catch some shiny Pokemon for that friend, and the list is long.  ;)  I wish I had a steak in the house, as I am sick and tired of sandwitches.  Maybe...pork roast, a sweet potato, and some raw veggies and raw fruit. 

Thank you, B, for your kind offer of help.  Your Mistress knows I have an interest in you because I told her so, and I do not think it is a good idea for me to ask her to send you over to provide ant killing service for me.  If she and I had been close friends, and if I had been gay and not looking at something that*s not mine, yes, I would ask for use of her slave.  ;)  Btw, we will never meet while you are in service to someone else, unless it happens to be at the munch.

Now about my house and yard.  That stuff you talked about sounds like something toxic.  I have kitties and two I allow outdoors.  They are very sweet but not very bright.  If I spray something toxic around my house, they will likely roll in it or start licking it off their fur and I must protect them from themselves.  Any trench dug around my house...for poison to be poured into...would go through two mint patches, an herb garden, my roses and future asparagus patch, as well as my rose of sharon flowers and black raspberries.  I would be eating the poison, and my body is very sensitive to insecticides.  The stuff that most places use to spray for roaches literally gives me a rash.  (Some perfumes give me rashes too.)  I have to find something natural, non-toxic, as I don*t even use boric acid inside my home.  I do use diluted cat flea shampoo because it is made from pyrethrin, which is made from some flower I have forgotten the name of, and is safe for my cats.  My cats eat most of my indoor flying insects, if they can catch them, so really it wasn*t necessary for me to buy all those cute flyswatters.

When I can afford to, I might buy ant proof dry catfood dispensers, as the catfood is a big draw.  So are my garbage cans...and the little monsters line up to steal our iced tea cuz of the sugar and probably the source of water.  The ants that march up my couch are on their way to steal some tea or coffee or cherry juice, and think my skin is a handy source of protein. 

Now back to you and your prior journal entry.  B, I hate to break this to you, but "training" is not all bells and whistles.  Yes, kink is part of it, but so is D/s.  It is more than painplay and electrical stimulation and chastity devices, and mowing lawns and doing housework.  What you are looking forward to more of is the kinky part...believe me, all of what you described is part of your training.  When you said this, "I am going to try and concentrate on serving my Mistress  and just spending time with her. learning her likes and dislikes so as to serve her better" I was smiling. 

If you are curious about how one site described training, click this link.  I am trying to find something I liked even better from a poster in the message boards, who was trying to make a point about this.
http://www.albanypowerexchange.com/BDSMinfo/training.htm

 

If/when I can find that needle in the haystack within CollarMe*s message boards, I will post it.  I hope your curiosity will drive you to reading it.  Ah, the word chocolate was mentioned, and icecream.  Yay, now I will have better luck finding it for you.

Btw, you sound like you are coming along nicely and learning so very much.  Aren*t you glad that you didn*t run away from all of this?  Intensity is good, but it must find balance with peaceful, quiet times.

*****
Edited to add this message boards link.  I made the link specific to the post I would like you to read.  http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=3693030

  

Incredible.  Ant.  Problem!  LOL, in my house and in the garden, aaargh!

Insecticides might make me grow lymphoma again, so I am considering using diatomaceous earth or something similar.  I bought ant baits in the past but ants seem more interested in roach baits than ant baits, as my neighbor warned me.  There is some great stuff in a tube by Combat, but when I put a line of it somewhere, it is sweet tasting and my cats...thank goodness I was home and grabbed kitties and tossed them away after they got a lick in, and wiped the Combat paste up out of harm*s way.  (My furbabies were fine.)

For huge ant hills in the yard, I take dog flea shampoo, which contains permethrin, mix it with a gallon of water until the water is a little slippery and then soak the hill.  I do not want sprays in my house.  Have bought some new caulk and am trying to plug up cracks and holes where they might climb into the house. 

These ants are carnivores...the little buggers bite the backs of my knees while I am sitting on the couch.    (Stop laffin youze guys)

I have never had so many zillions of ants before, and I am wondering what is out of whack with my garden*s natural balance that would allow this to happen.  Do I need to buy a pet anteater?  Maybe I should buy several ten pound bags of sugar and pour it out like a moat around my home, to attract all the ants to IT instead of to the inside of my house. 

Thanks, B, for the link.  I have seen a little O type ring there, but never a barbel.  I looked at this site for info on penis piercing, as well as at a few others.  http://www.mademan.com/mm/5-facts-about-penis-piercing.html

 
"Even after healing is apparent, one of the facts about penis piercing is that bleeding can occur. The pulling on the jewelry during sex or routine activities can cause slight tearing in the inner penis and cause bleeding."  This snippet is what I was talking about before when I said to be careful.

Looking under this one:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prince_Albert_(genital_piercing

) also had something interesting to say about possible injury to the cervix, chipped teeth, and mucosal injuries.  This new responsibility you have does not take away from the hawtness of piercings.

As for the electrical stimulation, I will remain envious of her skill.  ;)  You have to understand that there have been no dungeons in my area close enough for me to go to.  Yes, kinky friends I*ve known over the years from CM have offered to take me as a guest to the dungeons they belong to, especially during times when demos are taking place.  Some interests of mine...I will never experiment without prior training from others who have expertise.  Electrical play, temporary piercings, needle corsets, infusion, fire play, cell popping...  I have a bit of a list of things I will not venture into until I know what I am doing, and if any of these interests would cause emotional harm to someone who is mine, I wouldn*t even go there. 

B, yes, that was the right one.  I am glad that you found it educational and that it may be helpful.

As for your most recent journal entry, some people want their subs to control their emotions while others want quite the opposite.   

Yes, as your friend I want you to enjoy your awakening.  The problems you are experiencing...as well as not being your Lady*s fault...might not be your own either.  I am reminded of that proverbial bird and fish couple who had troubles building a nest.  Sometimes even a very motivated bird cannot grow gills and fins.  

And to another question, yes.  It was interesting to know.  Do not worry though.  Sometimes making someone lose control can be fun on so many levels.

B, it is a link...no need to do any internet wizardry to access it, just CLICK ON IT.  (laughing)

It will take you to the other side of CollarMe, to a very specific place in the message boards; the exact thread I want you to read.  The http thing at the top of the screen will read collarchat instead of collarme, but on the upper left hand side of the page you will see CollarMe in big letters. 

About what you noticed recently...good.  I am proud of you.  Congratulations poppet, you have grown (this is me with a big smile on my face).  I knew you had it in you and would not disappoint me.  You are starting to recognise the effects of emotional/mental power exchange outside of scening.  When I am in the presence of my own sub, I get something from him.  Real energy of a sort I cannot describe.  You do this for her, and now you are able to see for yourself some of the power you give to another person.  (Sometimes I feel almost like some energy vampire, lol.) 

Even owning someone who lives farther away and cannot visit often does this for me.  Of course we chatted online or talked over the phone for 1-3 hours every day, because this is something I require, but even this gave me a huge boost of energy and power that had a ripple effect into my vanilla life.  I miss this and have been tempted to settle for less than what I want, because this energy somehow prevents panic attacks from happening.   

You see what I mean about the lifestyle being about more than just kinky activities...  I love kink, but it is also a gateway to many deeper feelings.  Ack, I need to stop talking about this stuff or I will to go into frenzy.  (Just thinking about power exchange makes me hungry for it.)

Before some of your journal entries were deleted, you mentioned the name of some of the piercings.  Not the PA.  It helps when Googling to be specific, and I plan to keep the quest for knowledge on this subject down to just half an hour of Googling.  And then I would go into the message boards...and just ask to have the info handed to me on a silver platter.  ;) 

So you have learned that you love electrical stimulation but that whippings are harder to enjoy.  Good.  How do you feel when driving to her place to mow her lawn, does this affect your headspace any?  Is there a difference between providing this service for her and...mowing your own lawn?  That is just something to think about...it is good to check the difference in our feelings.  Kind of like taking a newborn babe into your arms and then checking the miracle of all those little fingers and toes.  I hope you have many epiphanies...and just think of yourself, months in the future, looking back on who you were at this time.  At one time, I couldn*t "get it" about flogging, and now it is one of the... (eyes starting to glaze over, so I had better derail that train of thought) 

As far as receiving service goes...it*s hawt, mkay?  Got that?  The last guy (a sub here at CM) who fixed my master cylinder last year...when he was sweating on my floorboard and hurting his hands a little, I started obsessing on how lovely his forearms would look in restraints...and at his bottom.  Somehow even with his head completely out of sight, he still felt my eyes on him.  Even if she is not there watching you...she knows...and it is doing something for her.  When she comes home and sees the work you have done, it makes her...how did you put it?..."shine like the sun". 

Are you starting to understand your power as a submissive now?  What you are giving?  It is more than just physical...it is mental/emotional and can be very powerful.

As for the thread in the message boards, I want you to see the difference in dominant headspace after a scene, and the reasons why some do not give the aftercare that others expect to see given because they want their sub to go through certain emotions.  It was an eye opener for me because I am used to doing things my way, and needed to read this so I would be more tolerant and understanding of others.  

So you were up at 3 a.m. too, writing in your journal at the same time I was, except that I took a lot longer.

Most men find their way into BDSM through porn, and entering into their first D/s relationship...is harder than it needs to be because they still have a lot of growing to do.  I was one of the lucky few who had a mentor who shoved my nose to the grindstone, bless her, so I had a chance to learn more about myself and my needs before I waded more than superficially (I started r/t by just topping) into this in r/t.  I have also been meeting up with people from CollarMe for about seven years. 

Experience gives me a calmness about this that you will likely develop over time.  Experience is a great teacher.  ;) 

Listen to me.  You are where you need to be at this time in your life.  Maybe everything is not turning out exactly the way you hoped or dreamed, but you are having a very intense time, right?  Don*t you feel more ALIVE, even during the times you feel miserable?  You are getting the best sex you have ever had in your entire life and you are not even having "sex" in the vanilla sense of the words (vaginal nor anal penetration, nor oral). 

Your Mistress is a unique person, and you will never find anyone just like her.  Heck, I am clueless about electrical stimulation and I envy her skill and knowledge in this.  A year ago, did you ever imagine a lady would do something like this to you in real life?  Your next mistress/girlfriend might be more into D/s and not as much into kinky play, and you may find yourself longing for the good ole days when you were treated as a slave instead of as a sub/boyfriend. 

It is a very rare thing to find someone who loves us in the way we need to be loved, at the same intensity, and at the same time.  Some people spend their entire lives looking for this...I read somewhere of an eighty something year old woman finally after all those years meeting the love of her life.  (She is one of the lucky ones, and I am sure she considers him worth waiting for.)

As for the age thing, it sounds like you have a major concern about this.  It is okay.  You are not anywhere near being too old to be chosen.  Start reading (not posting for a good two weeks so that you get a feel for it and do not say something to get spanked) and looking at profiles of long timers who have a lot of posts.  Most have partners and go to munches and dungeons, and yanno?  The majority are not spring chickens.  Many are in their sixties and up...people do not stop being kinky just because they have "grown too old" for this.  Finding the right person is always difficult...but them accepting you for who you are is part of what makes them different from everybody else. 

You can also look at profiles of people in the message boards by going to the home page and typing in their name, but NOT clicking the read complete profile button.  This way, nobody will send you a nastygram asking why the heck were you looking at their profile. 

Your relationship is new.  Maybe over time you will grow to feel special and cherished.  You are still in training, right?  You need to find out if this relationship is more important to you than having vanilla sex.

Btw, I have never had sex with past bottoms or past subs because we were never in love and for various reasons the relationships would not last for long term.  Face it, when someone lives farther away it causes problems.  I can be on the phone with someone or online for hours per day, and meet with them as often as we can...but unless it is an in love thing, and long term, the man never sets foot inside my house and my son doesn*t meet him and get to grow attached.  There are many reasons why relationships might have to be temporary...but sometimes...they are worth the price we pay.  All of my past subs were worth it, and I remember them with fondness. 

It has been about a year since I looked at Prince Albert piercings.  And others.  I am terrible at remembering the names of things; this is a natural consequence of the years when I had chemotherapy.  I do NOT find them repulsive...though it would be a lot more fun to be there watching while the piercings take place.  Yes, I remarked about piercers being in a business and of course they would recommend more piercings.  Yes, it was a little snarky because...a recommendation is not enough...someone must really want it THEMSELVES.  If you like it, and it does something for you, that is reason enough to have it done.  I have known many people with piercings and tats...and some were recommended, disliked over time, and lazered off.  Know yourself.  And what you need.

No pix needed, btw, and if you ever want to post any in your profile, remember that you are owned and get her permission first.  It is better to ask first than to apologise later.  (You are new at this or I wouldn*t have bothered to remind you.)

I will Google for PA, as I lost my old links.  If you have a link for the others, please post it in your journal and I will go take a look.  Usually with Google, I am searching for hours among endless possibilities before I find what I am looking for or finally give up searching.  (Yeah, I flunked Google.) 

Btw, there was an interesting thread in the message boards recently and it reminds me in a way of what you are going through right now, in these past weeks.  Yes, it has to do with aftercare, but it also dealt with headspace.  If I ask you as a friend, would you read the entire thread (the original post and all of the responses to it, several pages worth) and tell us in your journal entry your opinion?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3683139/tm.htm

 

Just woke up and am starting my day at 3:30 a.m.  I am trying to alter my body clock again but this heat is working against me.  Most of my working years were spent on the night owl shift, where I was coming home around 8 a.m. to go to sleep.  This heat...aargh.  It happens to me every year, I go from being used to 55-60 degrees in the house to it being in the 80s and the heat conks me out.  After a month or so I will be used to it, but in the meantime during the warm daytime I feel so tired and when the weather finally cools down at night, I feel alive and full of energy.  It seems a waste of time to be up during hours when all I will be wanting to do is take a siesta or to move in slow motion, lol. 

The night before last I woke from a dream because I was having a panic attack in my sleep.  Can anyone guess how aggravating this is?  A chain reaction of gawd only knows how many chemicals coursing through my brain and body, the worst one taking a good twenty minutes before my body gets rid of it.  At least I "earned" my panic attacks through being a survivor, it would really have bent me out of shape to have them, as a friend of mine does, through a heart condition.  I have known others in the past that think having panic attacks is a sign of weakness, or that if someone works hard enough, is determined enough, they can be gotten rid of.  Horse pucky.

We took mom shopping at the mall yesterday.  Her old pots and pans handles were giving her trouble and she had taken busses there the previous day and bought heavy box of new ones.  The store held them for her, and my strapping big son hefted it and took it to the car. 

I love seeing her so happy and chattering a mile a minute.  Then we went to Sam*s for some soda and a slice of pizza, after snagging some milk and bread.  Mom reminded me of some wriggly little puppy when she found a DVD of some biblical story.  Esther, I believe.  I already have that movie somewhere in my thousand plus DVDs and would have loaned it to her, but she wanted to see it NOW NOW NOW, lol, and didn*t want to wait even a day for me to find it.  She is in her seventies and is healty as a horse, but my father died around ten years back from cancer and she is my last surviving parent.  I will miss her someday when she is no longer with me.  Her baby sister, my favorite aunt, died two Januaries ago from ovarian cancer, and my cousin who is more like a sister had to see to her mother*s burial, as she had to her father*s several years before.  Our loved ones are precious and we are foolish if we take having them for granted.  (I remind myself of this when she is a complete aggravation and annoying to the Nth degree, bless her.)

One of my friends from is a Pokemon player with the same Nintendo DS games that I have.  A sweet fem sub who is a baby girl looking for a daddy type Dom.  Thank goodness for these adult children, and the little furries, I meet at and CM or I would have a lot less fun with my games.  She and I trade Pokemon over Wi-Fi, and yes, with one of my games I am a cheater and use an Action Replay to get what I want.  Why settle for computer game pets all being normal when I can have someone special?  Within my game I can catch one of an alternate color in the wild, but the chances of finding one...each and every chance is only one in 8,600 something.  One critter I caught naturally after hundreds of hours spent playing was a fire horse, called a Ponyta...and instead of the mane and tail being normal shades of orange fire...the fire was blue.  Oh what a beautiful animal!  The stats weren*t the best, as I could get through careful breeding and weeding out, but it is special and MINE and somehow beautiful. 

Anyway, my friend has an AR but not the shiny codes or Pokemon modifier codes and wants some shinys (alternate color), so I told her to write me a list and I would gift her with them.  We have done several trades in the past...and while trading, can spend hours talking to each other over Wi-Fi, in a voice chat.  I caught a type of kitten in the game, called a Mew...but instead of the usual light pink, it is the shiny version, a powder blue.  (Waves at other gamers here at CollarMe.)  Maybe this summer four of us will be outside again using my outdor furniture and citronella tiki torches to play Pokemon, as we did before last summer.  We had some pretty good summer nights until the boys got into Yugioh.  A new Pokemon game came out in versions called Black and White, with new animals to catch and raise and teach magical attacks to, so maybe...this year will see us pairing off to battle each other.  The boys usually gang up to go after the adults, but sometimes it is me and my son vs him and his son.

After washing my hair yesterday, I didn*t braid it (spent too long in a bubblebath, lol, cannot believe I spent two hours soaking) because I ran out of time.  It was aggravating after it dried out, getting caught in the seat belt when I would try to get out of the car (got slurped up in the roller thingy), and no matter how far I leaned to the right to roll up the window by using the button, my hair was sucked out the window by the breeze and I got pinned, lol.  Aggravation!  In the end, I made my son gather my hair into a pony tail.  It is almost long enough to sit on, longer than the last time I got a good look at it unbraided, and I am planning to pick a date to cut it next month and send it to Locks of Love.  No, I am not that generous and will only be cutting it from the middle of my back on down instead of shoulder length like last time.  Unless I get a hair care slave (winks) to assist me while I grow it out again for another donation, I will never do this again, lol.  These donations are to honor a friend of mine who died from lymphoma.

Thanks again to the ladies I used to know in the old CM Lobby chatroom who would encourage others to donate hair to Locks of Love.  I never thought I would be donating, but...here I am.  I wonder which hairless kid (maybe some child getting chemo) will be wearing the hair I carefully grew out for this purpose...  I hope it makes their lives easier, makes them look "normal" so that others at school aren*t so cruel.

Someone who cannot be loyal would be...less valuable, if not a deal breaker.  I was not addressing loyalty, but how upset you were and the fact that you thought of leaving the lifestyle.  Your train of thought was derailed from the issue I was trying to raise, so I will continue for the sake of clarity:  

4/03/2011 - you joined CollarMe

4/13/2011 -  you wrote me.  I was considering topping someone who was not sub material but wanted an experience, and I was hungry to top someone.  I told you to check with me after about two weeks to see if by then I was ready to start looking for a sub. 

4/17/2011 - Unknown to me, you wrote to someone and asked to be in her service.  She accepted.

4/21/2011 - You wrote to me and asked if I was free and maybe interested in you.  We exchanged letters for three days.  You told me about her and that you are in training only, and are free to search for a full time, more permanent situation with someone else.  I told you to go check with her first, and have her contact me or I would not meet up with you or continue getting to know you better.  You found out that you are her property, and she confirmed this to me, and that you might be free after your training is over.  

4/25/2011 - You met with her and scened for the very first time, "losing your BDSM virginity."

Maybe to some...twelve days...seems to be an eternity of time passing.  To go from asking one Domme to start dating you as of April 13 to being owned by someone else on April 17, and then meeting them to scene before...am I right here?...even a first meetup...is too fast. 

My point was to slow down.  Don*t do something drastic like leaving the lifestyle, just slow down next time.  If you have difficulty with being part time, and one of half a dozen other slaves...either find a way to work through this with your Mistress and resign yourself to your fate or else SLOW DOWN next time and spend time dating to see if you two...(or 7 or 8)...are compatible for something long term.   

To help you adjust, if you decide to stick with this and try to work things out, I will give you the name of a book polyamorous friends recommended...The Ethical Slut.  Buy it.  Read it.  I bought my copy at Amazon.com or else on ebay, and I am not even into polyamory, but friends of mine are and I wanted to understand their dynamic better.
  
Of course a piercer would want to do more piercings...this is how they earn their living and get paid.  My cousin who is more of a sister to me has piercings, and several of my close friends have had piercings.  What they told me is that...piercings force their lovers to be more gentle and they like that.  (Yes, they are all vanilla and not into BDSM.)  I have also seen a multitude of injured piercings sites, like belly button and nipple piercings that get caught in shirts and almost ripped out.  Tongue and clit piercings, ack, it has been too many years and I cannot remember what friends told me about these.  I wonder if multiple penile piercings make it more likely for a man to contract HIV, and how all these piercings would affect condom use. 

Please be careful and keep yourself safe.  A dear friend of mine from high school died from AIDS years ago, and yes, he was kinky like us.  My young nephew also is HIV positive.  Yes, I know I can be a bit paranoid about these things.  Be careful anyway.

(Responding to someone*s journal entry)

You scened recently, and on top of other problems you have on your mind right now, it also sounds like sub drop is making it worse.  Recognize it for what it is and try to get through it.

You were not wrong about your choice in lifestyle, you*re just unhappy and upset right now.  Believe me, you ARE kinky.  Do not confuse the present with the future...leaving the lifestyle would be a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Btw, "the rules" vary per person.  To find out "the rules" some of us do something called...(wait for it)...dating.  Think about it.  Minus the kinky stuff, would you ever write to some woman you have never met, never talked with over the phone, nor even shared lots of letters over a period of months, and ask her to marry you?  And yet I see so many leaping into deep commitments with complete strangers just because kink is involved.  If it was just a rush for a one night stand or fling, eh, the hurry is understandable, but shouldn*t giving yourself to someone as their sub or slave mean something more?  Shouldn*t compatibility be an issue?

You asked a question in your journal, leaving it open for anyone to reply to.  And so I will.  I have always felt pride in subs who were mine.  Love and cherishing come into it too, yes, from my side of the kneel.  Others may have a different style of handling D/s or M/s, it must work for them or they wouldn*t do it.   There is no "one twue way".  Each of us has to find out what we need and be brave enough to pursue it...even to if it means waiting patiently for months or years for the right person to come along.  

Some say that the relationship is all about the Dominant and their needs.  I disagree;  this relationship is symbiotic, not parasitic.  If the sub is very unhappy they leave.  

Yes, I do understand about loving what the person can do to you and feeling very attached and needy, but not being in love with the person themselves.  Part of you is screaming out for deeper attachment to take place and yet something is getting in the way of this.  Also, some of us need daily contact of some sort to maintain attachment. 

If you want out then you are going to have to get yourself out.  It is not my place to rescue you or give you an easy way out.  This is not supposed to be easy...we make our choices and learn from them.  We take responsibility for the consequences.  Instead of taking the risk of dating and maybe never scening with that person, you chose to stick with the sure thing.  You wanted experience, "training", and now you have it.  In your sub frenzy, you settled for less than what you needed...learn from this and don*t repeat this same mistake. 

If you cannot be the slave she needs you to be, that is not reason enough to throw in the towel and leave the lifestyle.  To translate this into vanilla, if you just started dating and found out that your first relationship wasn*t "the One", would you throw in the towel and join a monastery? 

I know that these feelings you have are intense and you are upset.  Did someone tell you that this would be easier than vanilla?  When this is not going right, it can be like a manic-depressive roller coaster ride into both Heaven and Hell.         

I am getting behind in answering some letters, sorry about that.  I have been feeling so tired and run down this past week and thought it was just this periomenopausal 14+ day "monthly" that seems to have no end, but this morning I woke up with a sore throat.

Since nobody sneezed right into my face, I must have done something to infect myself.  (Takes note to self, "Use more hand sanitizer."  LOL)  The last time I had a cold was a year or two ago.

Went to Sams today to buy garlic gel caps, and will take ten very soon, and then ten before going to bed for several days to as long as seems necessary, and will take two Echinea (sp?) the first hour and one every hour I am awake.  Gah.  I haaate pills.

I bought ten yogurts...that have way too much sugar, blech, and plan to make some yogurt this week in a crock pot from a recipe posted in the CollarMe message boards.  Anything is better than my old method, which involved a stove top, a thick pot, a heavy ceramic thingy I had to scald first, a heating pad, a thermometer, and a heavy towel.  Yay, I will only need a crock pot and a heavy bath towel. 

When I lived in California, I had no trouble getting yogurt made from whole milk.  Here in WV it is 1% or skim, blech.  I also miss being able to buy something called yogurt cheese.  Yep, I have made it in the past, but not recently, and still have the fine strainers.  It is yogurt that is thick like whipped cream cheese, and I used to eat it with strawberries...

Unfortunately for my letters, I rented five movies and bought several more tonight.  One DVD package was half of the first season of Thirtysomething, another was a four pack of Pokemon movies, lol, and the other was Arthur 2 and Arthur 3 (these are the sequels to that kids* movie Arthur and the Invisibles).  I have been depressed lately and should never have glutted out on watching the last two seasons of Angel within a week.  (Whether Spike was hawt to watch or not.)  After all that death and dying and apocalypse, I need some cartoon goodness to balance it out.  The rental DVDs were from the kids* are and from the action area, lol.  Scooby Doo the Mystery Begins, Space Chimps, Missing Lynx, Descent (nice disaster movie), Van Wilder Freshman Year unrated, lol.  We saw the other Van Wilders, but not this first one.  It makes the years I spent at college look very boring.

I hope everyone has a lovely month of May.  Yes, I am crossing my fingers that we get no more snow so the flowers on my trees won*t die.  (Again, like they do every year, because we always get some more snow or hail...)

To someone whose journal I went to read from today.  I seem to have a talent for knowing when you are scared or feeling sad, and am drawn to your journal to read on those days. 

By the way, you misunderstood about the chocolate.  It does not help with frenzy or with craving contact with one*s dominant...it helps with subdrop (feeling upset and maybe tearful).  I made some suggestions to help with this, chocolate was merely one of them.  Having some sort of contact with your dominant was another, whether over the phone, in chat, or by simply feeling closer by reading old letters.

For men who are new to this, kink and sex are things they expect...it is the intense feelings from D/s that catch them by surprise.  New people are often impatient for experience and will leap into velcro collars or toward anyone who offers training.  I was very disapponted when you did the same.  At the same time, I am pleased that you are finding out so much more about yourself and that you have a better understanding of what you are committing your life to.  The hardest thing I*ve had to do over the years with newbies is to slow them down, get them to learn through reading and discussion what they are getting into.  Before we can get what we want for long term, we need to understand what we need.

Trust takes time.  It is earned or lost through choices we make each day.  Unless someone is in love for the very first time in their lives, or has never loved at all, they have been hurt by love that went wrong; people rarely fall in love at the same time, with the right person, or to the same degree.  (Also...some dreams come at the cost of all our other hopes and dreams.  The price we pay had best be worth it.)

What I see in several of your journal entries reminds me of my ex-husband, who never cheated on me while we were married and he has never cheated on his current wife.  However...as his friend, I get to hear all kinds of things.  Among them, that they are not compatible.  (Details do not really matter with the point I am trying to make, so I won*t go into them.)  Anyway, the man I used to know changed.  He became one of those people who made a promise and owe their loyalty to someone...and without breaking this off to be free to seek out others decided that it was okay to start looking for her replacement.  (We have been divorced for over twenty years and he is still family to me, the brother I never had.)  I ripped him a new one for dating behind his wife*s back.

It has made me sad to see you with someone but seeking her eventual replacement in your journal entries.  Maybe you are hoping she will read it and drop all of her other slaves and give you the one-on-one you hope to have.  What you say and do is her business, I have no right to...
(Was that a book or clip board you just slid down the back of your pants?)

For those who wish to know more about who I am and what I expect...it takes time and effort to get to know me.  I am not an insta-Domme. 

Finding the sub I want to keep is not like...going to the pound, pointing at a dog and saying, "I*ll take THAT ONE." 

If it takes years to find the right one...he will have been worth waiting for.

I am reluctantly leaving the message boards today, as I am having such a good time, but I have to go shopping...and then come home to watch Smallville and Supernatural. 

A highlight of today, so far was, reading this, from General BDSM Discussion entitled Bootycall?  http://www.collarchat.com/m_3652159/mpage_1/tm.htm

 

Someone new to BDSM wanted to know, "How can you tell if your dom only considers you a booty call ?"  I enjoyed reading everyone*s opinions, including the ones that were a little...ah...snarky.  Cannot wait to catch up on the major discussions (pages that go over a dozen in only a day or two) and trolling and hair pulling contests this Saturday.

I think I finally get it why guys like spectator sports such as boxing, and others that involve bruises and pile ups and blood...the politics and religion area of the message boards is fun to watch.  Popcorn, I need to buy popcorn...
 

To someone...you know who you are.

No private letters please, or I will pass them on to your Domme.  Are we clear on this? Good.

You are in training to someone else.  You are lucky that I had decided to take a break for two to three months, and that I might be available when your training is over. 

It is a bad habit of mine to watch over newbies, but as lonely as you feel right now, when you are with her or in contact with her you are happy.  If I had had more time to talk with you beforehand, I would have made you learn about sub frenzy, subspace, and...sub drop.  Use Google instead, or go into the CollarMe message boards and use Search.  (In message boards, look to the upper right for a row of flags.  Over the first one is Search.  Type in what you want to read about, like "sub drop".)  The high you felt during scening and afterward was a lot of lovely chemicals flooding your brain...when they ebb and then go poof you will get withdraw symptoms we call sub drop or subdrop.  Some chocolate will help alleviate some of this, (I use this as medicine when I am experiencing top drop) as will having some kind of contact with your Domme.  Be prepared for upset feelings, feeling alone and needing further contact. 

You are in the lifestyle now r/t, so do your homework and learn about it.  There are many non-porn BDSM books out there, including The Loving Dominant by John Warren, SM 101 by Jay Wiseman, and Screw the Roses.  Educate yourself and you will learn to understand and be more aware.

If not for your letter, I would not have looked at your journal.  Your last entry sounds like subdrop...have chocolate and try to establish some feeling of contact with your dominant, even if only reading again things she wrote you in the past.

We need to clear up some things.  Enjoy your journey during training...but remember that this is YOUR journey...you are not taking this trip with me; I am not going to be tagging along for the ride by carefully reading your journal.  That is not how this works.

The fantasy you had in your last journal entry is just your soul crying out for power exchange especially now since you*ve had a taste.  Of course you need to surrender and feel under someone*s control...you*re a sub.  Recognize this hunger for what it is, as I have learned to recognize mine.  Btw, I would never bind someone and leave them alone in a dark room; this could cause nerve damage or worse. 

Final points.  You know the terms under which you may contact me directly in a letter.  Do not break this again.  You are new to this and dealing with sub frenzy and subdrop, so I have been cutting you some slack. 

To pinocchio, who just became a real, live boy. 

Yes, I am proud of you.  Now you have your own strength and don*t need to carry me with you like your security blanket.  <smiles> 

I read your journal entry and she sounds very nice.  You are lucky that she chose to accept you...I am so glad that in your haste for experience you didn*t land up with a predator, but right where you belong. 

<Is reminded of a duck being introduced to water.>
Ah, there you go.  Swimming nicely along.  Yes, I am proud of you.

Since you are okay...I will stop looking at your journal entries.  Enjoy being in service and be aware of how very lucky you are.  Don*t blow it by dividing your loyalties and looking back at what might have been.

Best wishes to someone who will be losing his BDSM virginity today.  I sincerely hope it rocks your world and that you learn all kinds of things about yourself, as well as feeling validated as a sub.

*****

Now to get a little grouchy in my journal before going into the message boards for a good read.  <looks for a grouchy looking font...>

Grinch green, this is good.  ;)

Mkay, ready for the windup?  Arrrrrgh!  I am so tired of this long hair I could scream!  Just another mebbe two inches to go and I can whack it off to mid back and send it off to Locks of Love.  This is the second time I am doing this to honor a friend of mine who died from lymphoma...but it is the laaaaaast time.  I am about to be nicknamed The Braid Woman in my town, lol.  Am feeling like freaking Rapunzel...one night I was tired and did not rebraid it for bed after brushing it out...and woke up nearly strangling to death.  In my sleep I had changed positions several times and my hair...had wrapped itself around my neck two times...  (I think I was having a dream about a hangman*s noose at the time, and the real life hair problem was adding to the drama of the moment.)

Grouching done.  ;)

Things could be worse; growing out my hair could be part of my religious or cultural beliefs.  Long time ago at college, one of the women in our French class had hair in a thick braid past her ankles.  Talk about a heavy braid (I think I would need a sub for hair care alone), anyway, she said that she was not allowed to cut it and that even her baby hair had never been cut.  If I had only known then what I know now...what a saint she was.  I live for the day when I can cut mine, lol. 

I would never have known about Locks of Love if it weren*t for the old chatroom here that used to be called the Lobby.  Thanks, ladies, whoever you are.  When I heard fem subs talking about it back then, if someone had told me (by using their crystal ball or time machine) that I would be doing this...yeah, I would have laughed.  From where it starts at my forehead to where it ends is 37 inches.  I want to have 27 remaining when this is over...they need at least 8 inches and...we all know what happens to the ends of hair so I am not even counting the last four inches as part of the eight.  This is my second time cutting, the first time I had to cut it to my shoulders and felt like a shorn sheep until it grew out.

Goodness, what I just now read in that scrolling thingy in the message boards was startling.  <eyes glazing over>  Time for me to leave this side of CollarMe where the mail and profiles and journal entries are and head on over there before I miss out on all the fun. 

For someone who asked for forgiveness...there was no need to even ask.  You are new and learning about the lifestyle, and it was a misunderstanding. 

Forgiven. 

As for everyone else...thank you for reading my journal.  :)  I am still here to make new friends and keep in touch with old ones, but as of this moment, I am going on hiatus.  No topping, no searching for a sub.  I have an interest in someone who is not available right now, but may be after his training is finished.  I am not in any hurry.

Other Pokemon gamers may write at any time. 

Winter is mostly over now...  I know it is spring, but we still keep getting some snow in southern WV until (sometimes) the last days of May, and until the snows are finished, winter still lingers...anyway, with spring cleaning and gardening and everything, I am limiting myself to a maximum of four hours online per day.

If writing friends takes up two hours, it bites into the time I am at CollarMe or .  I miss winter, where I could spend all day online if I wished to.  Some letters will be waiting several days for an answer, and I am getting way behind with reading the message boards...

Happy lawn mowing time to everyone, and Easter, Earth Day, the whole nine yards.  It was so good to see some flowers on one of my trees for one blessed day before some more snow came and wiped them out. 

Maybe this year, I will see another hummingbird...catch that big fish that keeps getting away...and be amazed at how lovely my flower and veggie gardens grow.    So okay, one out of three would be nice.

Lower back is all fine now...but...lol...I am a gamer and the game I have been holding my breath over this past year came out early this week.

Yep, I have been spending all available time playing Pokemon Black.  <silly grin>

Here I was this morning, out of sorts because it is snowing AGAIN and wrecking all of my plans, and then I find out in the message boards that Japan had an 8.9 earthquake and a tsunami (tidal wave). 

:(  Those poor people who lost their homes... 

It has been so long since my lower back acted up and right now it hurts so bad that I feel as if I just had surgery.  <crosses eyes>

No meetups with anyone for a while.

What I am looking for is a submissive male who lives nearby and has his own place.  Not a live in slave.  I am not experienced enough for TPE, and am not in a financial position to handle it...and never will be.

Pssst...I am also waiting impatiently for the next Pokemon game to come out in March, and when it has I will be here at CM for less than an hour each day for the first three weeks, at least.  My spending most of my day here during the winter months is almost over...soon I will be yanking weeds and getting into spring cleaning in earnest.

  Btw, THAT is Pikachu, a Pokemon.  Cannot believe I found it here...

If I said yes to all males who live in any state of the USA and beyond, with my only condition that they hop a plane here for a quick hankey spankey, my place and the entire town itself would be packed like Grand Central Station.  Yes, there are that many guys who do not want to go to a pro-Domme yet want a no strings session.

Everything starts with friendship, mkay?  If you are not offering me that, you*re not offering anything I*m interested in.

(This was NOT a rant, darn it.)

Rented almost 30 movies and have been busy watching them.  It is too cold for meetups and I am just feeling tired. 

I*m over a week behind with most of my mail...sorry, all.  In a few days, I will see about catching up, spending more than an hour per day at CollarMe.

Winter has come early this year, and I am surprised at how much snow has fallen so far this month.  I have been snowed in, except for four days this month, unable to get off my hill.  Also, several friends have found their mates and everything seems so quiet now.  :) 

I am taking a break from hunting for a sub.  My game plan is to top for a while so that I burn off some energy and don*t go into frenzy, and hope that eventually I will find someone in my area who is compatible...or maybe someone who comes through my area often.  

Spending a lot of time lately watching Stargate SG1 to get myself ready to watch Stargate Atlantis again...lol, I have the hots for that geeky genius Rodney McKay.   I like how straightforward he is (talking about the character here, not the actor), his vulnerability and colossal ego.  I am also back to knitting hats while I wait for the weather to clear enough to buy supplies to make more floggers.  This past week I suddenly realized that I do not have a girly light pink one with lace and roses and ribbon bows on the handle, nor one in baby blue.

Happy holidays.  :) 

Chat requests do not work anymore so of course I cannot accept.  Would if I could.  :)  This old computer of mine will not download the newest version of Adobe Flash Player.

Yesterday we had our first snow.  It fell down in great, dramatic clumps and stuck to the ground...it is all gone this afternoon.  Too bad all snow cannot do that, lol.  Now I am free to go shopping without all that nasty cold white stuff getting into my shoes.

Still looking to find another Pokemon player for Nintendo WFC play.  Age, sex, kinky orientation doesn*t matter.

(Edited to fix apostrophe glitch with an asterisk.  Hm, it used to only affect my mailroom not my journal entries.)

Happy Halloween  :)

Can't believe I'm doing this here, but here goes...I am trolling for other Pokemon players.  I have Nintendo Ds games:  Pokemon Pearl, Pokemon Diamond, Pokemon Platinum, and Pokemon Soul Silver.  Name your poison and we can exchange friend codes and decide on times to meet up online.

I hope changing that fuel filter this month handles my car problems or I will not be able to make it to munches for who knows how long.  I am still putting off replacing that charcoal cannister. 

I just read in the message boards that more and more people are suffering from that apostrophe glitch in the mailroom...welcome to my world.  Good news is that some who use Firefox have said that they don't have to deal with the glitch.  My computer would have a meltdown if I tried to make the old girl learn a new trick. 

Too bad most of you never go into the message boards...someone posted a great pic of "drunken pumpkins" that I will never forget.  Within the message boards look to the upper right for a row of flags, and over the first one will be Search.  Click it and type in "dunken pumpkins" and you should be able to find it...yep, there's going to be pumpkin barf all over our bench outside.

G'night everyone,
Cynthia

Just notified by BOUNTYHUNTER that the munch group, S.M.A.C.K., in Beckley, will start meeting up again this spring.  I'll post more info when I know it.

For those in my area who assume a munch is an orgy, forget it, lol.  Munches are just us pervs getting together at some restaurant to say hello and get to know each other.  Dress normal, not in fetish wear.  Be brave, nobody's going to "out" you.  I cannot wait to see who else shows up.  :) 

I will still be going to the KATS munch in Charleston.

To any who are looking for me in several chatrooms; alas, I won't be seen in one of them.  

I'm often in the chatroom Passion_for_submission, and sometimes in subs_and_dommes.

For those who specialize in being deeply offensive to others in public...I hope my God cradles you in the palm of his hand and blesses you.