wickedheart

1-13-16; Weds.

    The dissolving.  So many hurts.  Such mistrust.  I hit my limit and took my submission back.  I don’t even know how to be in a relationship that doesn’t have a BDSM component to it.  I made a stand for myself, though.  I might have a Dominant side; however, my core relationship has always included me as a submissive.  The only time my “Dominant boots” came out is if I needed protection.  After years of trying and trying to make things work, I hit my limit of bull shit.  I was even aware I was so close to my limit until it was blown wide open.

    It has occurred to me that I trust my dogs and cats.  I hate so very much that it has come to this; however, that does not change the fact that it has.

Wicked

Rejection is a bitter pill; however, it is also an extremely informative one.

Wicked

The problem with a disposable society is that people don't want to fix things. They just want to throw them away and get a new model.

Wasn't life simpler when you were twenty and knew everything?

The older I get the less I realize I know, the less I realized I knew, and the less I realize I am going to know. 

Black and white surely become grey over time.

Wicked

Nature tells us that if there is no growth; there is no life.  If things do not change, they die.  Our seasons change every year.  An ever present circle of life.

Wicked

It has been an extremely long time since I have played twenty questions.  Anyone want to play?

I receive WAY too much pleasure from my one hundred and twenty pound male dog barking and growling when people portray stupid behaviors. 

Wicked

Such wonderful peace I have found living here.

Wicked

Obedience

Stunning

Beautiful

I wish to soon achieve.

Master’s obedient slave.

Purity.

Wicked

Kelly

  Elizabeth

   Collins

         Kec

In Need.

I feel the pain spill over onto my eye lashes
and I pray I can find a way to hide the wide gashes.
My heart is cut open by the cruelty of lack;
yet, I continue to push myself to always come back.
The loneliness I feel is directly proportional to my need
and I find that all the good advice in the world I will not heed.
Neglect of my soul is starting to show through my eyes
and a little bit of my mind slips away each time hope dies.
I fight daily to repel the endless circle of bitterness
and search for a little ray of warm happiness.
The damage needs to be repaired
and this utter misery bared.

Kelly
  Elizabeth
     Collins
         Kec

Without hope there is no disappointment.  Without hope there is no reason to move forward.  Good and bad entwined in the desire for a better future.

Wicked

Moments of severe clarity are worth the journey of confusion.

Wicked

Most things that are bittersweet are more bitter than they are sweet.

Wicked

The trick is to transition from waiting for everything in life to actively doing things.  We wait for people, opportunities, the right moment…  A person can spend so much time waiting for something that there is no forward momentum. I endeavor to actively pursue things while I must wait on other experiences.  Inaction is a very harsh action.  It can be just as damaging if not more so because of a lack of trying something new to get a fresh result.  Such is the nature of insanity.

Wicked

             It is when you least expect it that you reveal something very telling of your nature.  The thing I have managed to work on is not visibly reacting.  That is a difficult task.

Wicked

     Creation does not exist.  Rearrangement is the more likely possibility.  We neither create nor destroy energy; only change it.  We can arrange something for new possibilities to occur.  A lot of my religious ideas revolve around the fact I believe in balance.  Call it what I may (God, Goddess): I see it as a balance.  That energy, life force that exists in everything is not created or destroyed; only rearranged to make beautiful or devastating experiences.

Wicked

      Are we hiding from death until the very last moment?  Do we pretend that we will live forever; so, we can survive one more day of being a mortal with routines, chores, and schedules?  Past experience has taught me that extremes are often unhealthy and exactly what we want.  Extreme depression from death strangled me and it became clear that surrounding myself with grief from death did not make me understand anything more about my mortality.  We will not understand death until we aren’t alive to discuss it.  I consider the loss of life very saddening.  Whether it is human, animal, or plant I feel the loss of life when there is no more energy coursing through it. 

Wicked

     A Buddhist thought so striking it creeps into my dreams: “Every human being is the author of his own health or disease.”  I have always heard that we write our own book of life; however, until I witnessed it firsthand I did not fully appreciate the truth in those words.  I have caused my soul much grief over the years and I am learning how to bring forth pleasure and joy in compassion for everyone including myself.  It is painfully obvious that I have allowed situations in my life to continue when they should have ended; however, it is just as saddening to realize I have not motivated myself to accomplish the things that would provide relief and health.  Every little decision made in haste or selfishness has caused the bigger picture of my life to be tarnished with emotional rust that slowly decays my heart.  It is only when I push forth through the depressive fog and make healthy choices that the colors in my life sparkle and shine.

Wicked

       Happiness must not be an illusion that we chase without success.  Tiny victories in making oneself happy will lead to a routine of the same.  Three years ago, on this date, I began a descent into one of my life’s valleys.  Two years of cleaving to misery left me with a very uphill battle to confront.       

     There are moments when the sun peaks in on my soul and allows warmth to spread throughout my body; yet, there are spells when the doors and windows shut tightly to the guiding light.  I am thankful those dark times are becoming rare.  Today Silence encases me and fills a void. 

     Life is a struggle for everyone: that is fact.  To wash away the pain would be an insult to those I grieve over.  It is in that ache that knowledge of depth and caring has risen in my heart.

Wicked

Time can heal by easing the severity of pain.  We never forget our grief; however, we do find ways to bare the emotional onslaught.  Optimism and pessimism are different sides of a coin; yet, we must remind ourselves that one can not exist without the other.    

Wicked

      Depression on a nearly constant basis causes envy towards the sufferer of bi-polar disorder.  When misery persistently swallows a person whole the extreme peaks and valleys become a luxury to be coveted.  None of it is healthy.  

Wicked

The ebb and flow patterns in life are indicative of a larger circle that we all must follow.  Waxing and waning experiences in nature remind us of this.  We can not logically dissect death and sorrow out of our lives and expect to fully appreciate the joys and happiness on the other side.

Wicked