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SirPumpy

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Time for a re hash! Busy busy busy.... More tasking online now than anything else and its been interesting. Hit the fitness scene hard and it seems that as a Dominant bastard i get results where the vanilla "Hardarse" trainers do not. New treadmill arrived last week and is an instant hit with J as she has run off her muffin top in less than a week with combined inside/outside sessions, Got to be cruel to be kind and she has peaked in her cardio fitness with the Doctor asking how the hell she became so run fit in such a short time :-) If only he knew.

My new form of media entertainment shows im getting older because I am now actively laughing and yelling at the TV.

 

Biggest Loser Australia has taken on a whole town of idiots who piss and whine their way into an early and very fuckin large grave.

 

Pathetic humans with piss weak excuses and sob stories, they complain about the trainers and I yell at the screen Give them to me for a month or 2 and I will give them cause to complain if they can.

 

Love it!

Maybe im just getting grumpy in my old age but fuck me if there are not 100 new 18 to 20 year old Pro dominatrixes parading about in the latest sexpo faux leather corsettry and bright CFM boots.


It is an exceptional teenage mind that can even begin to understand and process Dominance let alone carry out a decent play session....


GRRRR

It was revealed to me that im a fake!

 

Shock horror, So for a laugh here is the correspondence that enlightened me.

 

Thank you SlavegirlMilena

  for the high degree of internet expertise you employed to come to this amazing discovery having checked neither my forum posts, the length of time Ive been on Collarme.com or any other sites not to mention googling me.


Anyway, the Damning evidence coming from someone who's first language isn't English and is using a computer set by default to Germany.

 

The Damning Evidence.

 

From:

   Dated:  

9/15/11 10:45 PM



I was reading your profile and i think you are simply a fake! Why i thgink that? You pretend to be australians but your english uised in your profile is rely bad! And you also use the word Hausfrau in your profile. It seems your profile was originaly written in german and yoiu was using a trnaslations service on the net! BYE

 

 

 

My reply was deleted unread.





Well it seems im dying, One day at a time like most of us.

 

However this flu is not making me feel bright and cheery and I miss my ciggies.

 

I therefore decree that for the next few days i am going to be exceedingly unpleasant, as is my wont.

 

I will also plumb the depths of self pity, snot and foul language in a vain attempt to make me feel a bit better.

 

Having been recently reminded of Japanese bathing rituals of which I am currently NOT receiving I will also make an extra effort to be pissy, whiney and exceedingly needy for a change.


That is all.

The Uberwaldian thothiety of Igorths and Igorinna'ths ith proud to Accthept Thur Pumpy ath an Honorary Igor for thervithes rendered to the Thothiety.


On thith day, Thaterday, Thirteenth of Augutht 2011 In the year of the Morporkian Fruitbat.

 

 

Thigned by my hand on thith day,


Igor.

 

 

(thtrictly thpeaking its signed by my great grandfatherth hand with the aid of great Uncle Bert'th index and pinky fingerth but im not wraped in themanticth)

The sub Mafia ofcourse does not exist and is a figment of my imagination.

 

it is also a figment of everyone elses imagination if they know whats good for them.

 

However should such an organisation exist (Which it doesn't) then it should ignore my ramblings.


Here is a quick primer on how to escape confrontation, reposted from an old thread I contributed to which can be found here http://www.collarchat.com/m_3231779/mpage_1/tm.htm

 

 

The cookie defence only works with home made cookies containing Chocolate chips, fudge, fudge and choc chips with wheat products being optional.

The more feral subs will turn their snouts up at milk or cooking chocolate and this is why it is wise to use quality ingredients and to vary the types of chocolate.

Ive found that Dwarf Battle Cookies also work well provided they have a mixture of dark chocolate and dark chocolate coated roasted coffee beans in them with a 9:1 ratio of chocolate to actual biscuit.

When approached one should gently rustle the bag (Unbleached brown paper only) containing the goodies to grab their attention away from the your groinal area.

Once diverted you should again gently rustle the bag to fix their attention and to get the saliva glands working, only speak to them in gentle tones and DONT make any sudden moves whilst still in possession of the bag which the sub will now consider theirs.

Squat down keeping your eyes on the sub but making sure not to stare and slowly open the top of the bag and gently remove a cookie and hold it up so the sub can see the cookie.

At this stage you should check for excess drool usually indicated by tennis shoe lace strings of drool and if this is present you should place the cookie down, back slowly away and then place the bag open on the ground, back away about 10 feet and then walk away quickly to a place of safety.

IF you have no cookies handy some members of the sub Mafia are susceptible to cries of "Look! something shiny!" as a misdirect and by pointing behind them, the misdirect is intensified by flinging jewellery and other shiny objects over their heads such as nickel plated semi auto hand guns (.22 cal and above although a wide grip .38 super seems to work best) or at a pinch foil wrapped chocolate has been known to work.

THE MOMENT their gaze is averted you must make your escape quickly however once their concentration is broken it may take some time to refocus on their original target.

sM come in a few different types too and it is worth taking note of the pelt they sport on their heads.

The least dangerous is the Sandy sub, easily distracted and friendly by nature although they will pee when startled but generally make good pets.

Then there is the bejewelled rainbow sub, also friendly by nature but somewhat unpredictable at certain phases of the moon, will generally not pee when startled unless asked nicely. Mid level danger and easily subdued when shown Tofu and natural unbleached fibre clothing. Prefers unbleached wholemeal flour cookies with natural honey and oatmeal.

The Raven pelt sub is fairly high risk, usually identified by the midnight pelt and pale skin. generally found muttering to themselves about the Sandy subs shortcommings the Raven pelt sub is a warrior sub and with correct training can be dispatched as a cloaked assasin or Emo sub. There is no hard data on the best use of cookie bribes however any large calibre nickel handgun will excite them to near insensability for short while.

The Ranga sub is the most dangerous of the sM species and proudly sports a bright orange pelt, cannot be bribed even with diamond jewellery and is quite innovative in their hunting and capture methods.
Should you be confronted with a Ranga sub the best defence is to lay on your back and pee on yourself to make you less palatable and in disgust they will usually wander away growling under their breath.
Their preferred diet is fake dominants and social workers although social worker give them gas and indigestion.

I hope you find this helpful.

SP

Come unto me lost one and don't be afraid, to find they've stolen the truth and your mind has been played.....

Youre kidding!

 

Really?

 

Wow it HAS been 7 months hasnt it.......

 

Seasons greeting? what WAS I thinking!


Im sitting here, J is at work still sulking at her demotion to beeker from Lady J (Silly name I know but it was a moment of weakness) and im wondering where im going wrong with Our profile...

 

All we wanted was a like minded playmate or 2 and lately there's been nothing, not a sausage and I cant kid myself any longer that its someone else's fault or there are too many fakers out there so we end up playing with ourselves........ (Not that theres anything wrong with that)

 

Im also wondering why more Aussies dont post in the forums because its a great way to get to know each other.

 

My final thoughts however lead me to believe that the Scene as such has become a bit of a meat market/dating service which is kinda sad reading some of the profiles and what they seek and ye sometimes demand in their perfect mate.

 

And that's just the "subbies"

 

Anyhoo, I must now go and bake some more bribe cookies for I feel the sub Mafia will soon be calling on me to show me the error of my ways, correct spelling, grammar and perhaps even darn a few socks, To each other.

 

Choc mint today I believe.

Its that time of year again kinksters and to all of you with whom ive had the dubious pleasure of social intercourse and even to those who just lurk Id like to wish you a Very Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah and may your holiday season be the best ever no matter how you celebrate it.

Seasons greetings,

Sir Pumpy and Lady J
I have a friend who was unsure of how to proceed or deal with an issue regarding an upset neice and a "Dead" Pet rock....

I suggested a large hammer would make the pet rock have babies and give the distraught child a handfull of baby pet rocks to play with.

Chip off the old block sort of............

"Come unto me lost one and don't be afraid, to find they've stolen the truth and your mind has been played"
Christmas is near, filling adults with fear and the kids are all counting down sleeps.

So why I ask do we stress over a holiday celebration for the worlds most popular imaginary friend?

Granted not everyone stresses but its not all glee and mirth.

For some its shovelling snow and for others (Like me) its record temps in the 40's (Or 100's in Fahrenheit ), presents we often cant afford, Last minute shopping trips, no parking, increased crimes and family.

Yep Family, who come and judge or to eat themselves stupid on free food and booze only to stick the knife in your back on the drive home.

My advice?

Enjoy your holiday, keep it simple and buy only for kids under 14.

Have a barbecue or cold meats and salad emphasising that Christmas is about spending time with family and not a huge pissing contest.

And if you don't want certain free loading relatives over  on Christmas day then call em and tell them.

The old saying was "you can choose your friends but not your relatives", the addendum is "But you can alienate the hell out of em to keep them from your door".

Im having a BBQ this year yet again, Mother in law dearest complained and wanted a roast with all the trimmings.

I pointed at Sizzler (Dennys, Waffle hut or similar) and told her they do a great Christmas spread, heres $20, enjoy!

Best 20 bucks I ever spent.

So de stress your holidays and enjoy them with people you actually want to be around because its all optional.

Happy Holidays and tip the hell out of your waitress on Christmas.

Pumpy

Its "that" time of year again, Yes folks its subMafia cookie bribe time and this year im prepared.

 

Today I received my extra dark chocolate buttons, Milk choc buds and my Yoghurt buds in Strawberry and nilla in quantities of a kilogram each so if Lady J gets to the goodie cupboard she will be very ill and still have to leave some for the cookies.

 

Last year my Crunch frog surprise cookies (With green smarties) were a hit until the inevitable crunch time came around and some subbies bitched that it was cruel to bake frogs in cookies and others bitched that there was only one frog in the cookies.

 

So this year I have the solution and when you twiddle your thumbs expectantly you will be rewarded with an extra Domly NO.

 

Also this year I am not doing my Swiss style sugar cookies, im doing shortbread and Anzac cookies packaged as usual in well scrunched brown paper bags in small denominations only.

 

Any BagMen or women from the highly esteemed subMafia who complain will be snaffled, tied and NOT spanked as punishment.

 

Neener neener,

 

Pumpy Esq (Sir)

Im a social type and usually say HI! to people who's profiles grab me in some way.

 

Sometimes i ramble on a bit and I usually try to leave things open ended unlike some of the truely disturbing initial contact messages Ive been shown.

 

And yet I still draw blanks more often that hits and this is only saying Hi, what are you seeking and may I be of some help.

 

Im wondering if I smell although those I do chat and correspond with havent mentionned it.

 

So..... If I send you a note, to say G'day puhleeze say Hi in return, its polite, kind and put me in a good mood which pleases Lady J no end and stops me wandering around muttering under my breath.

 

BTW Ive now used my last Puhleeze for 2010 and will not be nice about it all until next year some time.

 

Sir Pumpy

It seems I've upset "The Environmentalists"...........

Perhaps it is because I REFUSE to bribe these tree hugging hypocrites with Cookies.

I did offer a solution to their request for Cookies and explained that the sub Mafia were rather possessive when it came to chocolate and fine cookies but if they were prepared to wrestle one on one in a large honey filled inflatable pool then I would consider baking an extra large batch for the winners.

The Environmentalists Declined stating that they were against PVC and oil derived products and that id have to provide a Hemp Pool filled with natural leatherwood honey stored in glass with a paraffin wax stopper and aged in this jar with a small quantity of pubic hair from a virgin which means another weird arse trip to Comicon.

The Subbie Mafia gave me a provisional "yes" provided there would be cookies and Low fat, Decaf Chai lattes, that the pool was oriented in accordance to Feng Shui, that the honey was the product of Drone Bee's, they could sew skimpy costumes and that their Masters, Owners, Grags, Sirs, Mistresses and Dommes could sneer from the balcony seats and scornfully urinate on the contestants if there was no blood shed or hair pulling.

Sir Samuel Vimes was asked to officiate and Detritus was to provide security.

Sadly the event organising teams were waylaid by The Mad Redhead faction (MRF) who protesteth the use of fictional characters, the abuse of Imps and the denigration of The Undead at which point I just set off the fire sprinklers and wandered away.

Sadly in the ensuing mayhem all the cookies got wet and the meeting turned into a 3 way tag team wet wench fight especially when they realised Id gotten away.

Till next time....

SP




Silly me, imagine posting stuff on a public forum during a moment of existential uncertainty.

Of course the Master/Mistress is Top!

Topping from the bottom is merely a tool we use to mess with our playthings heads in order to create the illusion that we are not perfect.

We are of course perfect and this is why lesser mortals flock to our doors seeking approval, spankage and to serve us.

Pumpys thought for the day, If you place a blanket over the head of a Boogie man, does he cease to exist?
Time to wonder out loud.....

In a D/S relationship who REALLY is the top?

Consider this,

The Dom/me does the hard work, sets the scene etc.

The sub lays there and enjoys.

Who was it again that gets to hit "Subspace"?

Who is it that receives aftercare?

And who do we have to bribe with cookies...........

I can only see this working a few ways in MY favour,

Option 1, Get more sub/slaves and delegate.
This brings the testosterone balance dangerously low in the household and I dont do well sleeping with one eye open one (or more) week out of 4.

Option 2, Go Gorean.

This in itself is an attractive option, Ive read a few of the books (Then ebayed the whole series) and im a fan of star trek but the whole free man free woman thing has me a tad confused, and where does L Ron Hubward fit in to it all?

So my dilemma remains and it looks like more pondering on my behalf.

Oh and cookie baking........

No offence intended to Goreans or star trek fans, as for scienhoobiejoobies well im screwed there already so no apology forthcoming (and please don't sue me again)
She raided the Norty Cupboard.............

She has been punished accordingly and her Bum currently serves a multitude of purposes.

Sitting

Keeping pants up

Biological functions

Night light.

After 3 days it still emits a rosy red glow even when I let her put pants on.

Bad feral J!

And her excuse?

The cookies made me do it
4.32PM on a miserable end of Autumn (Fall for the Americans) day and im baking sub cookies for Mafia bribing and the use there of.

It has some interesting ingredients including some very dark dark Belgian choc chips, real cocoa and raw sugar and Ive added some Nescafe Gold instant coffee to it to spice things up a bit.

The first batch were very nice and Lady J ate 5 with a cuppa even though she doesn't like dark Chocolate and I had to hide the dozen or so left over in the naughty cupboard as she is forbidden from opening it.

The second batch smell great and after cooling will be added to the batch in the cupboard minus a few sample cookies but I fear that J has had a few too many as she is now doing housework at 100 miles an hour and has gone all OCD on me.

My dilemma is now clear though and it is a 2 part problem,
Part The First is that these cookies are way too good for bribes.

Part the Second is that im going to make some Anzac Biscuits (oatmeal, golden syrup etc) and im tempted to add some of these dark dark indecently dark choc chips to it.

I bought a few pounds (1kg) of the stuff and im damned if I leave it where norty girls can snack on it as im fairly sure
A) she will
B) She will again
C) it will cause an outbreak of feral behaviour
D) The SubMafia will smell them and intrude
And worst of all
E) it wont be any fun at all

Meanwhile at Casa Del Pumpy the hunt for a new Sub/Slave continues with 1 promising Resume on my desk from some of the absolutely great subbies out there in Byte land.

Lady J will be brought in on the consultation process toward the end only because it is too dangerous for me when im asleep if I don't since she found out about Supa Glue (Krazee glue) a few sessions ago and although she thinks i cant hear her mutterings I can.
So head up for me!

Im also starting on the new play area in the big barn which has to be winterised and have fresh straw added to the dirt parts of the floor and I have to rebuild the floor in the warmer parts and create a separate dungeon.

Ive also sourced some very old hardwood for the "Furniture" in the new play space so it should work out a busy winter.

Anyway its rude to type and spray bribe cookies on the keyboard so im off.

Its currently 1:45 am and I've just come in from some quiet reflection in front of a huge bonfire, The realisation that this fire provides a great setting for some play dawned on me while I was harking back to my childhood and Guy Fawkes night (or Cracker night) and how I miss this one night of the year.

Anyhoo I resolved this evening to rebuild my portable St Andrews cross for use in the great outdoors within the warmth of a raging fire which was roughly 20 feet tonight and to try and play outdoors a bit more this winter much to Lady J's horror although as a small concession I will pad the device with something soft although I fear I may be getting soft in my old age.

Nothing quite like a scene set in the flickering darkness on the edges of a fire, warm on one side and yet facing pitch blackness on the other side bringing a raw and primitive feel to the scene.

Thoughtfully,

Pumpy (Sir)
Oh my Goddess!

I now have a sneaking suspicion that I have been targeted by the feral subbie Mafia in an attempt to get me to renounce my Domhood out of sheer frustration.

But fear not loyal readers, for I quit-eth not so easily.

So far it seems that the Cookies I have been stockpiling for protection payments are merely the tip of the iceberg and it seems both myself and my good lady subbie need to compile a resume to satisfy the demands of those who seek to play.

Strangely enough they seek not naked photos of my good self but more naked and compromising photos of the good Lady J, well oiled and with a violet wand inserted in her nether regions whilst playing "Rescue me" on a Banjo tuned a 1/4 tone flat (Aren't they all?).

Fortunately we both snort at these requests and I wave my genitals in their general direction chanting that you are not worthy.

Warmest regards,
Pumpy (Sir)

PS; BTW I was kidding about the feral subbie Mafia

PPS; No really, I was and still am Kidding.

PPPS; Please dont hurt me, I dont like it and its not good for my image.

PPPPS; No you cant have a picture of me with a violet wand inserted in my arse playing "Prison Bitch" on ANY Instrument ESPECIALLY tuned a 1/4 tone flat and with my penis nailed to a breadboard.
Right, Im done filling out the profile information so for all you online voyeurs read away.

Don't be frightened to message me, im not a bad man (Much) and im not here for sex, cyber or ruuuude piccies.

SP
There is no God other than those we create, therefore we project our imperfections on our created God or Godess.

This leads to a number of HUGELY pissed off Non existant entities with a variety of maladies including sever acne, Bad breath, Cellulite and Arse grapes who are prone to fits of jealousy and random smiting with whatever happens to come to hand.

And finally this could be held as a valid reason why there are so many pretenders out there despoiling otherwise perfectly good Subbies, slaves and so on.
Finally found my way around CM enough to add one of these!