Jesus Christ!  Just because I'm now lactating doesn't mean I'm going to let you come over, sit on my lap and feed your ass.  I'm fucking busy feeding my BABY.  I don't need another fucking baby.  Go bug someone else.  My daughter is just as much of a selfish bitch (I say that word with abundant love) as I am- that milk is HER'S.  Fuck off.

I never had an idyllic childhood and my mother was certainly not June Cleaver.  Hell, she wasn't even Roseanne Arnold.   She was Joan Crawford if Joan Crawford was a heroin addict.   My mother did things that a mother should never do.   Things that have left lifelong scars on her children; both phyiscal and emotional.  She wanted to be a good mother but she had too many demons clawing at her from within and she wasn't strong enough to battle them on her own.   She was someone who desperately needed someone to take care of her and unfortunately that job often fell to her children.   As an adult, I can look back and see the times that she honestly tried to pull herself up.   Sadly, she never could.

I love her.  I hate her.  I forgive her but I can't ever forget.   But none of that matters anymore because my mother is no more.   And I honestly never thought it would hurt this fucking much to lose her.

Some retard just messaged me and told me how he was spending hours fantasizing about my pictures and how sexy and desirable I am.   He went on to say that he spends hours, flipping through my pics on here.

Um.   I only have ONE pic.   AND it's a FUCKING LEGO diorama.   Are you fucking kidding me, asshole!?

I fucking HATE form messages.   You know, the ones that the subtool sends to EVERYBODY.   Fucking cut and paste bullshit!

Unless, of course, this dipshit thinks I am actually a Lego bitch.   Then... well... he's still a moron.

Oh and guys?   Don't send the same message (form letter) to every Domme on here.   We DO talk to one another sometimes and we compare notes.   And it's SO FUCKING OBVIOUS when you do this- and it's in NO WAY flattering.   Every Domme wants/needs to feel like she's exceptional and stands out from the crowd and when your dumbass sends a form letter... well, that kind of bursts that little bubble for us.   And we don't like having our bubbles burst.

FML moment of the day:

So now that I'm finally on some good shit that keeps me from puking my brains out every other minute, I can finally fucking eat again.   So I decided to whip up a batch of chili.   I know, right?   Like it's not fucking hot enough outside, I need to go and make spicy chili.   Fuck off- the doctor says to eat what sounds good and that shit sounded good. 

I'm digging around in the pantry for some canned tomatoes because I'm too fucking lazy to run out and buy some fresh ones.   I find several large cans- and speaking of large cans, my rack is seriously going to require a special zoning permit if it keeps growing the way it has been.   Ok so back to the tomatoes, I grab two cans and my roommate's goddamn POS cat jumps out of nowhere, scaring the heck out of me and I drop both cans on my bare foot. 

GOD DAMN CAT!   That motherfucker just looked at me like I was the asshole who was in HER way.   Fucking hate that cat.  

So now I have a huge ass bruise on the top of my foot and no fucking chili because while I had tomatoes, I didn't have chilis and you can't have chili without chilis.   So FML.   And that goddamn cat.  

I'm not fucking kidding when I say that V (my roommate) is going to come home one day to a special, homemade Chinese dinner just for her.   A Chinese dinner with a very special meat ingredient.....  

Fucking cat.  I hate cats.   The only good cat is a dead cat.  

I just realized that shaving my twat is going to be a bitch in about 4 more months.   Damnit!   I can't deliver and have people looking at a jungle!  So WTF do I do?   Have a slave shave it or go for laser treatments?   And does that shit hurt?   Sammy doesn't like to hurt.  Sammy also doesn't want to spend a fortune.   Maybe Sammy should be a financial Domme for a few months..   Maybe Sammy should stop referring to herself in the 3rd person because that's really fucking annoying.   These are the things that I'm wrestling with now, people.   I just knew this fucking pregnancy was going be life changing...  /sigh

Me in a few months:

I need a pregnant Lego Domme now for my profile pic.  LMAO

I'm pregnant.

Yeah, I realize that pretty much takes me off the market.  But I'm tired of explaining to every Tom, Dick and Harry why I'm not really in the place to take on a sub right now.  I'm too busy growing my own dependent, needy being.

So now you know why I'm always sick.  You try having painful tits, bloated belly, constant nausea, daily barfing, constipation and zombie-like fatigue and then come back and tell me that it's "not that bad."   Fuck you.   And the whore who whelped you.  

I'm still a Domme.  I'm still very Sam-ish, for the most part; unless I'm hanging onto the toilet and puking my guts out while cursing penises and semen.  I'm going to keep the kid.  Yes, I'm single.  No, I don't need you to be a daddy.  I'm pretty sure I am woman AND man enough to fit both roles.    No, I don't fuck around.  Thanks for judging first and asking second though.

Why are you still on Collar Me, Sam?  Um, DUH!  Because I'm a Domme and I enjoy the lifestyle.  Just because I'm going to be a mama doesn't mean that I don't want to control and torture a special sub one day.  And I'm horny as fuck due to the pregnancy hormones so by the time that I do have a relationship, I'm going to probably break his dick by fucking it raw.   Well, after I beat his ass raw.

All that aside, right now... Not really looking to beat some ass.  I'm too preoccupied with the big turn that my life has taken.  I'm always willing for conversation but I honestly can't offer anything more at this time.   It's not fair to you.  Not that I usually care about what is fair to you but this time, it really isn't fair to you.

Steps back to see how many sub offers she gets now.

Fucking great.   Not only do I have near constant nausea but I can add a killer headache to the mix as well.   And it does not goddamn help that my boss is addicted to Scentsy products and our back office smells reeks of some cinnamony/flowery mix.

I think it's time to take me out back and put me out of my misery.

I have mentioned before that I work with kids and my first appt. this morning is this adorable little red haired girl who likes to carry around this pink polka dot teddy bear as a lovey item.  Don't ask- little kids are fucking weird but that's what makes them so damn cute.   Anyway, she calls the teddy bear her Chubby Teddy Bubby.   She is NEVER without the Chubby Teddy Bubby.

So she arrives today for her OT session and her mom takes me aside and whispers that they are trying to break of her of her CTB obsession (mom is using initials so that the girl doesn't hear the words Chubby Teddy Bubby) and for me not to mention the CTB around the little girl.   Mom feels that the little girl is becoming too dependent on CTB for her own good.

Dudes, it took EVERYFUCKINGTHING in me not to bust out laughing because whenever mom was using the initials CTB, I would hear CBT.   And to have a mom talk about her little girl's obsession with CBT is just too wrong and nasty not to be funny.

Ok, maybe it's just me...   But at least I got a good laugh about it!  HA! 

Two words.

Dark.  Chocolate.

Mmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!

Make Sammy happy!

Can't fucking eat anything else so I might as well eat the entire fucking bar while I'm at it.

I slept like shit last night so I am super fucking bitchy today.   Bitchy as in I really want to tie someone up, beat them, whip them, make them cry and suffer all the while screaming at them.

Ahhhhhh... I would feel so much better.

But since that shit isn't going to happen, I am going to go to the gym and work my aggressions out in a boxing session.   Fuck yeah!  I can totally get why men get off on beating each other up.  You can feel the adrenaline coursing through your veins and the impact feels good when you hit something.

*Updated to add:   Yes, I'm being careful.  No, I'm not made of glass.  

The dust is settling, I'm coming to terms with my news and I know that everything is going to be ok.   I'm just in for some big changes.  Some of you know what's going on and that's only because I have chosen to trust you.   The rest of you... fuck off.

So anyway.. I'm going to work this morning and I don't know if Bellevue decided to open it's doors and let all the mentals out for the day or WTF is going on in the city but motherfucking day-um!  From the moment that I stepped out of my apt. building to the second that I walked into work, I was surrounded by idiots, molesters, public masturbators, screaming kids, stuipd bitches, skanks, sluts, whores, assholes, rude fucks and fat people.   Now you may wonder why I include fat people in that list and I'll tell you fucking why-   It SUCKS when you get a seat on the subway and then two fat fucks sit on either side of you and basically squeeze the will to live out of you like a vice grip.   SCOOT THE FUCK OVER!   Oh wait!  You can't because your fat ass is already taking up all the room.   Go be fat somewhere else.  

I know, I'm an asshole.  I'm just not very tolerant today.   I hate people.

I'm sitting here, drinking a glass of oj and trying to wrap my mind around the past 24 hours.  Sometimes life throws you a challenge that you don't know what the fuck to do with it or how to even begin to process it.    My mind is racing a mile a minute and my heart won't stop pounding.   I am someone who usually knows what to do.  I am someone who is usually taking care of someone else in my situation.   But it's me this time and I don't know what to do.  This is one time where I truly wish that someone else would come along and take me by the hand and guide me.

Ah fuck it.  I'm Sam, I always figure things out and make shit work.  Life sure doesn't like for things to get boring, eh?  I have a friend getting married in about 6 hours so I need to pull my shit together, put on a happy face and help make this the most incredible and memorable weekend of her life.  As it should be for any bride.  Too bad my fucking dress is hideous but such is the bane of any bridesmaid's existence.   ;)

Nevermind my ass.  I'm just processing some heavy shit and I'll figure it out.  I'm not dying so that's good news.  lol 

Ok so I'm checking out both Facebook and FL.

Facebook:   Samantha Hg.  You'll know me by the profile pic.

FL:   makeupaname.  Again, look at the profile pic.

I'll decide which I like better and stick with one.  So far, not impressed with FL but that may be because I'm not familiar with it.

Did you know that CM automatically deletes the word FL when you type it out in a journal post?   Insecure fucking bastards, eh?   If you don't know what FL stands for- ask because I can't fucking type it out here.   How annoying.

FML moment of the day:

So I'm running out of the apt. to quickly grab my roommate before she gets too far down the street to give her the package that she needs to ship.   Whilst (is that even a real word?  It is now.) running, I trip over my own feet and do an awesome face plant right there on the sidewalk for all of NYC to see.   I say this was awesome because if this had happened to anyone else, I would have wanted to Youtube that shit because how funny is that?   So I lay there on the ground for a few minutes, shaking in laughter when I look up and see these two majorly hot studly stud muffin types laughing with at me.   The least they could have done was offer me a hand to help me up while laughing at my clumsy ass.  Humph.  I could barely manage it on my own due to laughing so hard at myself that I had tears running down my face.

Just thought you all could use a little chuckle... ;)

Anyone ever set up a Facebook page for their D/s side?   I think it would be kind of fun...

Sometimes you just want to say fuck it all and get completely shitfaced.  Other times, you just want to go to bed, pull the covers up over your head, have a good cry and then sleep the day away.

The latter is me today.    I think tonight is going to be spent in my pyjamas, eating Ben and Jerry's (what woman can pass up that threesome?) and watching raunchy comedies and chick flicks.  

So I lost power at some point in the night and my alarm clock did not go off.   Needless to say I was in a frantic hurry to get out the door and off to work.  Me in a rush is never a good thing because I can barely remember shit when I have all the time in the world to do so.   So uh  yeah.. I forgot a list of shit:

*My keys.  Good thing that I have a houseguest to let me in later because my roommate will be totally useless in that dept. since she's going out on a date later.  With another douchetard but that's another post for another day.

*My sunglasses.   Oh the sun, the blinding sun!

*My gym bag.  Guess I'll be working out in my scrubs today.  

*My post workout shake.  Goddamnit.  I hate not having my shot of protein after a workout.  Don't even offer me your home grown protein, Perv-os.

*My fucking bra.  Great.  While I have a fanfuckingtastic rack, I really doubt the small children that I work with are going to appreciate that the twins are free and loose today.  Their dads will.  Some moms might.   Most moms are going to whisper about "that skanky slut OT" behind my back though.   Jealous bitches.  They wish their rack was this splendid!  ;-)

Alrighty, back to work for me.   Happy Monday!  Bah...

I am so seriously going to shove an air freshener up my dog's ass.  He won't stop passing gas and I am seriously going to need to put on a gas mask in order to remain in this apt.  I'm sure one of you kinky subs has a gas mask that I can borrow. ;)   I've been walking around for the past 2 hours with a can of Oust, spraying in the general direction of The Atomic Dog's stinky ass and it's not helping, yo.  Not helping.

Me thinks some ice cream is quickly becoming necessary.  Fresh air, dog can fart all he wants outside and I can lick a nice cone.  

Since I've been barfy sick for the past two days, I figured it was only fair that I clean the bathroom.   I know.  Very big of me, I agree.   So I get out the bottle of toilet bowl cleaner with bleach and manage to fuck up the nozzle while trying to open it and get a good squirt of cleaner on my hand. 

Ever notice that bleach smells just like male ejaculate?   Only with semen, I can wash my hands with some pretty scented soap and the smells goes away.  I've scrubbed my fucking hand with 3 different soaps and it still smells like I spent the day being the jack off  bitch on a porn set.  And... it's my jerking off hand if I were to jerk a guy off.   Joy.  

Everytime I go to wipe my nose or brush my hair out of my face, I get a whiff of spunk.  I'm going to go soak it in lemon juice now. 

Ok, I have to come back here and point out to ALL SUBS UNDER THE AGE OF 25 that I am not interested.

Most men under 25 annoy the shit out of me.   Plus, you are in the same age group as most of the kids that I used to babysit for when I was younger.  I would feel like a pedo.   I don't care if you are the most mature guy on the planet, you will still irritate me.   And not in a fun, good time kind of way.

kthxbye

I've been up off and on all night and morning, tossing up those cookies.   While I'm sprawled out on the bathroom floor, praying for my death, my roommate's cat comes in and starts to fuck with me.  This cat knows that I hate it.  It likes to come in and attack my feet, clawing and biting at them.  I'm so fucking sick that I don't even have the energy to kick it away from me.  Trust me, when I'm better...  Oh fuck off!  I'm kidding.  No need to call the SPCA.   I am definitely going to spray it down with water though.  I hate that cat.   And my dog is useless because he is friends with the damn cat.  Just my luck. 

I hate cats for the same reason that I'm not a carpet muncher- pussies, both of the feline and human persuasion, are way too high maintenance for my taste.   They bring a whole new meaning to the word "needy."   Stroke me, rub me, feed me, hold me... FUCK!  Back the fuck off and give me some fucking space.  And then, heaven help you if you piss them off, they'll hiss and claw at you for hours.   Then they will go out of their way to ignore you until you make amends.   Fuck that shit.  I've got enough to handle with my own pussy and high maintenance tendencies that I do not need a cat or a chick to add to my stress. 

Speaking of carpet munching, while I am definitely a straight chick and I have no desire to eat tuna- I do like boobs.  I could totally play with boobies for a few hours.  Good thing that I have a great rack of my own to fondle.

Ok, back to the bathroom.  I hate being sick.  :(

Just an FYI- being sick sucks.   Fucking cookies....

Shit!   I ate some peanut butter cookies that one of my kids made for me and now I feel like puking.  This sucks because I have important plans tonight and don't want to humiliate myself by puking all over the place.  

Fuck me.   I need to hunt down some Emetrol and guzzle a bottle or two.

My roommate is working on my last nerve but since she's a sensitive type that would honestly cry if I told her so, I am coming here to vent.

First...  I fucking hate it when I'm taking a shower and she comes in to use the toilet and proceeds to try and have a conversation with me.   WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT??   I don't want to talk to you while you are taking care of nature.   Fucking gross.  I've told her- "don't fucking talk to me while you're on the pot."   WTF?  Do I need to post a fucking sign in the bathroom now?? 

Secondly... she wears enough perfume to choke a fucking water buffalo.   So not joking.  And she wears that floral granny shit too.   gagandbarf  Again, I've told her a 1000x, lay off the fucking toilet water (I can't even call it perfume).   No one is going to want to go down on your flower if you literally smell like a rose garden.  I know that I wouldn't.

Thirdly...  When I bake a pie, I am hoping to have a slice or two of that pie.  It fucks me off to no end to come home and have the WHOLE MOTHERFUCKER eaten and gone.   Not even a damn crumb in site.   I swear she licked the pie plate clean.    I asked my friend who is staying here if she had any and she said no, that V came home really upset and ate the whole thing straight from the pie pan with a fork.   Fuck.  At least she used a fork..

I know that V (my roommate) is upset and I feel like a giant asshole for venting on her but at least I did it here and not to her face.   V has a tendency to date dillweeds and they always end up hurting her.   She's such a tender, sweet girl.   I told her ass tonight that from now on, I'm vetting all future prospects.   If they pass the Sam Test, she can go out on a date.  And I'm giving these prospects a clear warning- hurt her, I will hurt you.

Why oh why do I get all of the morons and loons messaging me?   With the exception of a few, the majority on here need some serious psychological help. 

Happy Father's Day!    Don't forget to call your Pop and wish him a good one.  I don't care if he was the world's biggest asshole or if he was Heathcliff Huxtable- he's still your dad.   He deserves at least a little recognition for helping to bring your sorry ass into this world.   Be thankful because without his help, you wouldn't be here reading my shit.  ;)

I'm hungover.  I'm bitchy.  I have a friend coming in from out of town and she is staying for a week and a half.  I've got to pull myself together and lose the cunty attitude.   She recently suffered an incredibly sad loss.   She is coming out here to let Mama Sam help nurse her spirit for awhile.   She doesn't need to put up with my attitude.

This is when I need a sub the most.   I need to berate and abuse today.   That would put me in such a better mood.

That and a bacon cheeseburger to ease this fucking hangover.   WHY DO I DRINK???

Oh and if you were going to make eggplant parmesan for dinner, what kind of wine would you pair with that meal?   Eggplant parmesan, salad and dark chocolate cheesecake with raspberry topping is the menu.  Just need a wine suggestion.  I'm a fucking redneck from the south.  We drink beer down there.   I'm trying to classy shit up around here and serve wine.  ;)

WTF is in the water lately?!?!?   It seems like EVERYONE that I know is pregnant or just recently giving birth.

I can't be surrounded by babies.  They do weird things to my emotions and make me all sappy, gooey, cuddly and smoochy.   Seriously, it's fucking killing me to be around all these babies and bellies.

NOW STOP PROCREATING!  Fuck.  The world is populated enough as it is.  And if y'all keep doing this, my uterus is going to do something butt-nutty crazy and I can't have that.   My ovaries are killing me as it is, aching and hurting everytime I look at a smoochy, scrunchy, little baby face.   Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(let's see how many offers I get for insemination)  /rolls eyes

Collar Me should seriously administer a literacy test before allowing people to create a profile and interact on this site.

Not fucking kidding.

I'm sick to death of idiots and asshats not being able to fucking read the shit that is in my profile before contacting me.

Obviously they read some of it otherwise they wouldn't write, no?  I mean, I'm sure it isn't my photo that sends them to me.   LOL   Though the blonde in my pic is rather hot!  ;)

Fucktard Message of the Week:

"Ill pay you to tie me down and piss on my face"

So I reply with what I feel is a fair price.  Now keep in mind, I'm having to take time out of my day to tie this moron up and then guzzle a gallon of water just so that I can take a piss on him.   All of this because he's too fucking pathetic and useless to find a bitch who'll do this shit for free.   My question is this:  Is he THAT disgusting and repulsive that he can't find ONE Domme out there who will piss on him without charging?   In my mind, pissing on you is sort of a given if you are my sub.  Anyway, I digress- here's my offering price to this shithead:

"$500 now and $250 after I'm finished pissing."

Please tell me that it is obvious that I am fucking with him and that this price a fucking joke.   I ask because this dude's response was:

"sorry unless your made of gold  your not getting that from me 750 for 30 sec  u are a retard"

Right.  I'm the retard here.   And don't get me started on the "your" vs. "you're" because I'll be here all fucking day bitching about that.

And on top of it all, this asshole BLOCKS me.   FUCK.  I hate that because I can't snap out a bitchy and insulting comeback.  LOL   I fucking HATE not having the last word.   Thanks asshole! 

Now my morning is going to be spent rehashing what I would have loved to say to this moron.   Can you say OCD?   ;)

If you are going to message me under an assumed name, have the fucking brains to switch up your writing style and use a spell checker.   Especially if you are prone to making a very distinctive spelling error.   Dumbass.

Some fucktard spilled his coffee all over me on the train today.  Luckily for me (and for him, actually, because I would have really lost on it on him otherwise), it was an iced coffee.   But since I'm wearing a white t-shirt, you could totally see my jugs through the shirt.  I look like I'm trying out for some white trash, ghetto bar, wet t-shirt competition.   Which is great because I work with kids.  On the flip side, Hot Dad with the cute, curly haired girl totally checked out my tits.   At least they're looking perky today.  Thank god I wore a good bra.

If I had a dollar for everytime I used the word "totally,"  I would be a rich bitch.   Then maybe I could afford to take a cab rather than the train.  Then all I would have to worry about is whether or not Punjab spoke English well enough to understand my directions.

I know.  I'm an asshole.

Today has been the kind of day where I just want to find a pub, belly up to the bar and drink myself shitfaced.

I seriously need a long ass vacation.

On a deserted island.

With nothing or no one to bug me, bother me or expect shit from me.

I'm burnt the fuck out on everyday life at the moment.

Bikini- check

Sunscreen- check

ice cold beer- check

trashy novel- check

No mother- check

I'm off to the beach for the day!   This is the highlight of my visit home.  My mother has been up my fucking ass for the past 2 days about a husband and grandchildren. Holy shit- it's not like she doesn't already have 9 grandkids.  She's driving me crazy.   She doesn't like the beach.  HA!  So that's where I'm going to hide all fucking day just to get  some fucking peace.

I know that many subs bitch and whine about Dommes being assholes and cunts.   I get that.  I once created an account and took a look at things from your side.  There are some whacked the fuck out bitches over there.  LOL   Not that I'm perfect but dayum!  

Well... it's not exactly peaches and cream on the flip side either.   I've already shared some messages from random moron "subs."   Now... let's examine the word submissive, shall we?

According to Dictionary.com, "submissive" is defined as follows:

1. tractable, compliant, pliant, amenable. 2.  passive, resigned, patient, docile, tame, subdued.

Most so called subs on this site are the exact fucking opposite.   They come on with all kinds of attitude.   There is a blatant lack of respect here.   Now, I do not expect every man who messages me to be on his knees, eyes downcast and act meek.   I do, however, demand respect.   I will ALWAYS treat you with respect and dignity.   The dignity part may disappear if you ever wear my collar but that's a post for another day....  

Now.   I get it, this is a dating site.  Paint it however you want, it's a dating site.  Everyone comes here, hoping to find someone.   What they want with that someone varies but they are looking.  And hoping to find whatever it is that they seek.   It has been my experience that most subs here are completely self serving.  They are looking for their own gratification and pleasure.   They want the pain, the humiliation, the fetish, the bondage, the role playing.. it's simply a game where they get off.  Once they cum, they're done.  And you know what?    That's great- as long as they are UPFRONT about it.   I'm not looking for that kind of sub.   

I had a sub message me several times this week.   He was always polite, perhaps a tad persistent but I get that you have to be that way to get a Domme's attention on here.   I truly get that.   I also know that I am not the best at the quick reply.  I read EVERY message but I don't always reply right away.   If I find your message respectful, and well intentioned, I will ALWAYS reply.  Even a brief, "thank you."  

I told this sub that I would reply once I had a chance.   I read through his messages.  I didn't feel any particular splash of interest so I went to read his profile to learn more about him.   He's married.   He wants a play partner only.   And that's cool.  NOT my thing but hey, who the fuck am I to judge?    SO I replied with this:

Ok, ****, I read your profile.   You lost me at "married."   Sorry, but I do not mess with married men.   Way too much drama potential and I do not like to invite drama into my life.  I am also looking for someone who could potentially evolve into a partner; not just a fucksub.   I am not poly.

I wish you the best of luck in your search.

I was honest.  I don't mess with married men.  It goes against the morals and values that I was raised with.  However, as much as I like kink, I know that I can be a goody goody so I try to be respectful of what others do.  Not my fucking life and while I don't judge, I'm not going to run out and invite it into my life either.

So... This sub reads my response and comes back with this:

You fucking son of a bitch!!!!!!!!!!   Are you kidding me???????? You made me wait for this fucking response?????  Fuck you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yup.   Wow.   And the guys' profile does not indicate that he's in fact a self serving sub.    Here, read for yourself:

It's submissives like this that make most Dommes treat the rest of you like shit.   It's self serving, childish assholes like this guy who make Us not really want to give you the time of day with a response.   And subs?   This site is FULL of dickwads like this.  

Respect.  Treat us like we are people.   I'll go even further, treat us like ladies.  Even if we don't always act like one.  You'll get A LOT further with most of us.   Well.. me anyway.

And on a sidenote- a son of a bitch insinuates that I'm a dude.  This is the SECOND time this week that I have been accused of such.  I"M A GODDAMN WOMAN.  Fuck. 

Here's another message that I feel compelled to share:

Hello I am *****, 28, quite cute from****** living in ***** I love being forced to lick very stinky stockings feet, bondage, facesitting, bodyworship and strapon. Is it possible to schedule a session with you today? how much is it? Thank you very much in advance

So I guess I'm a professional now.   How much should I charge?  What's the going rate these days?  Maybe.. finally... I will be able to afford that trip to the Bahamas and those KILLER Jimmy Choos that I saw the other day....

Well, yesterday was a total fucking bust wasn't it?   Not one single zombie sighting, not one tiny little tremor from the Earth, the heavens didn't open, no one was taken up...

Either that or God took one good look at all of us and said, "Fuck this shit..."   And just walked away, shaking his head.

My arms and abs are killing me.   I think my trainer hates me.  I don't have proof yet but I do believe that she is slowly trying to kill me.   Either that or she's sadist and enjoys making me cry.   I'll tell you fucking what- it's only because of my vanity that I even go back to her ass.   As soon as fat asses and big thighs ever come in vogue, I'm quitting that bitch.

I'm thinking I might have to post a pussy shot at some point.  I have this dude who will not fuck off with the theory that I'm really a dude.   I get it.  I talk like a dude.   I act like a dude.   I must be a dude.   I don't WALK like a dude so FUCK OFF.  

Alright, alright.. I need to buy a birthday present for my brother.   He's turning 40 and is depressed about it.   I want to buy him a coffin but I think that's a bit extravagent.   So what can I get for him that rubs in the fact that he's aging?   Or I could just be nice and buy him a watch or something.   But nice is no fun!!  /pouts

Well this fucking sucks.  End of the world in a few hours and I don't have a sub to play with.  Go figure I don't get any on the last day of the world.

Oh well.... there should still be plenty of us, sinners,  left once the whole thing is over.  

PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have a Happy Rapture, bitches....

Ugh.  I have been sick as a dog for the past 3 days; and I'm talking about the kind of sickness where you lie in misery in the bowels of death waiting for The Reaper to come for you.  And at that point, I would have welcomed his bony ass.

But alas, it takes a lot more than the flu to knock me down for the count.

So living it is... for now.. ;)

Ugh.  I am such an asshole.  lol 

I totally judge you on your screen name which is entirely hypocritical considering my username.  

well i have a SERIOUS pussy eating fetish. there is literally nothing i like more then pleasing a women orally! i am not necissarily a slave but i am looking to find people on here who will let me eat them out on a regular basis for how ever long and however often they would like :) im 6' tall 220 lbs with my tongue pierced i DO NOT expect or even want anything in return im just looking to eat pussy :)

That message above?   That's the kind of shit that I get inundated with on a daily basis.  That's the kind of message that makes me want to grab that idiot by the ears and shove his face in a fucking toilet.   Who the hell does that??  Do you honestly think he would approach me in Starbucks and introduce himself that way?   Are there seriously chicks out there that happily respond to this sort of trash?

And frankly, if he's that willing to eat any ol' snatch out there, then I don't want any part of that diseased, nasty mouth.  God only knows the condition of the tuna he was snacking on last.. Ewww.  shudder

What a shitacular day this has been.  Holy fucking hell!   First my alarm didn't go off because some dumbass (me) didn't turn it on last night so I barely had time for a shower before I had to zoom off to work.  That meant no coffee and no breakfast.   I am one of those people who needs to eat otherwise I am a grizzly bear.  Seriously, I will want to eat your young if I don't have breakfast.  The fatter the kid, the better.    Some douchebag copped a feel of my ass on the subway which led to a minor altercation; he's ok, he'll fucking live.  Though the way he cried about his junk, you would think he was actually packing a set.  /eyeroll    My feet were killing me by the time I got to work because the new pair of heels that I bought didn't come in my size so I was forced to go half size down.  Totally worth it but I should never have to suffer.   I need to put these shoes on a slave to break them in.

/sigh

I get to work and find out that my work boyfriend passed away last night.   I work with kids.  This guy was 14, suffered from Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy.   He was an incredible kid.  He always gave me the best wheelchair rides and he ALWAYS opened the door for me like a gentleman, which is why I dubbed him Gentleman Jack.   He would sometimes bring me flowers and he once wrote a poem for me.  He was always cheerful, always had a smile and I knew that sometimes I pushed him hard but he always kept up with me.  Gentleman Jack once asked me out on a date.   We aren't encouraged to do such things but fuck.. he was 14, he was dying and all he wanted was to go to the movies.   Who can say no to that??   He was a complete doll the entire time- bought me popcorn, let me go first through the door, cracked jokes to entertain me while we waited for the movie and told me that someday he hoped to live long enough to kiss a girl like me.   My heart is broken tonight.   I'm not good at showing my sadness or sharing my pain.  This journal is anonymous, y'll don't know me from Adam.  I can cry here.   I will miss him, dearly.   Rest in Peace, Gentleman Jack.  The angels are lucky to have a sweetheart like you to open doors for them up there.  I hope you can run, jump and find a pretty girl (a sweeter one than me, preferrably) to kiss up there..

Long day.  I need a vacation.  Who wants to take me to the Bahamas?   Your payment?  Spending time with me, of course... ;)

Just an FYI to all grammarians out there:

This is a personal journal on a fetish dating site.   This is not The New England Journal of Medicine.   My writings are not submissions to The Harvard Law Review.   I'm not writing a dissertation on the effects of BDSM on cognitive neurology.   It's a fucking blog.  On a D/s website.  Get the fuck outta here with your nitpicking.

I come here and I write.  I don't give enough of a shit to sit and proof read every little word.  So yes, there are misspelled words and improper punctuation.   Fuck off.  Don't read it if it bothers you.  Or better yet, if it bothers you THAT much you can fucking proof it and send me the corrections.   Do the work for me like a good bitch.

Ok, so my co-workers are sick of hearing about it so I'm coming here to vent about this:  

JUST WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING??????  

Apparently this bitch is up for sale and some moron has already offered up $9 million for it.   Anyone in NYC, go to Park Ave. and you can see if for yourself.  I about choked on my fucking coffee when I first saw it.

NINE MILLION DOLLARS for that disgustingly hidious monstrosity.   What I would like to know is just what the hell are you supposed to do with it once you own it?  You can't exaclty cuddle that bitch in bed.  It's a tad oversized for a lawn ornaments; plus you'll scare the kiddies in the neighborhood.   So WTF?   WHY?   I could sort of see it if it were about 50 feet shorter and actually cute but it's HIDIOUS.

It's Sunday.  It's also Mother's Day.   If you haven't done so yet, CALL YOUR MAMA.  She may not be perfect or she may be June fucking Cleaver but either way, she's your mother.  She deserves some recognition on this day.  As my mother never fails to remind my siblings and I, pushing us out wasn't easy and it wasn't fun.  So call her, give her some love.  Better yet- go visit her and give her a peck on the cheek.  Some flowers would be a nice gesture too.   And don't be lame and get roses.   Go with lilies.  Or daisies.  Or, omg, tulips.  I <3 tulips.  

To the next person who calls me up on the phone, emails me, messages me, sends me smoke signals, or whatever other form of communication in order to try and entice me out on this lovely Sunday can go kiss my hungover ass.  I'm not leaving this apartment today.

Why, you ask?  Because doing so would require me to put on a bra and that's not in my plan for today.   I'm letting the girls hang loose and enjoy a little freedom.   I also look like death warmed over twice and then eaten by a cat and then hacked up as a hairball.   So looking like shit and not putting on a bra are my reasons for staying in today. 

That and I haven't watched Grey's Anatomy yet.   ;)

I just received a message from some guy claiming that he really wished that he could eat me out all day today.

This is so fucking annoying on several levels.

1.  For all he knows, I'm some 350 pound dude sitting in his mommy's basement trying to get his rocks off on CM.

2.  What kind of desperate and pathetic woman responds to a message like that??   One that isn't worth getting to know.

3.  Put some fucking effort into the message.   Great.  You want to eat me out.  Woohoo.  I can probably walk outside and find 5 guys willing to do the same.   Surprise me with a little splash and pizazz in your message.  

4.  He's a moron.  I don't like morons.

I look like hell.   I need a shower but that would require getting off my ass and that's not going to happen right at this moment.   Why is it that when I drink, I crave bacon cheeseburgers?   Disgusting. 

Not much to say.  My period is coming.  My boobs hurt, I have a zit on my chin and I want to claw everyone's eyes out.   Fun times ahead, yo!

And on the subject of TMI:   Period sex is hot.  Why are so many guys pussies about it?   You have no idea how horny most chicks are during that time.  Fuck us for crying out loud!   Good thing that subs don't have a choice....

I'm going to STFU for now and go drag my smelly ass to the shower.  

Beautiful, sunny day!   I will be working outside for most of the day and I'm pumped and ready to go!

TGIF!   I have a crazy weekend coming up.  Pray for my liver, it'll need it.   I intend to get sexied up and go out and have all sorts of naughty fun this weekend.   Bachelorette party on Friday, friend's 40th bday on Saturday and a champagne brunch on Sunday.   Somewhere in there I need to do laundry otherwise I will be going to these events naked.  I'm not kidding.   I fucking HATE laundry.

Oh and am I pedophile for noticing how fucking hot the neighbor's 17 year old son has become over the past year???   Yeah.   Oh the things I could teach him.....

First things first:

I didn't make the Lego diorama in my profile.  While I do play with Legos often, I don't have the, uh.. accessories to do something like this.  lol   Google "Lego+BDSM" and then hit the "images" tab and you will see several other pics in addition to this one.  I almost went with the Princess Leia one because how fucking cool is D/s Star Wars?!?!?

Secondly:

I don't mean to be  rude bitch.  In fact, I hate to be rude.  I'm that weirdo that smiles and says hello to you on the street even though we don't know each other.  I always say please and thank you and you're welcome.   I try to be friendly and polite.   I was raised with manners.   I just simply CAN NOT respond to every email that I receive.   And the ones that simply say, "Hi" are NOT going  on the reply list.   I try to say hello back but if I don't or if I don't keep the conversation rolling, move on.  Seriously.   So we exchanged a few messages- that doesn't mean we were going steady.  Fuck... lol  

Want to know what ooks me out?   Men who shave their legs.   Dude, why?   A man is supposed to have body hair.   Unless you are a drag queen or a tranny, I don't want to see shaved legs on a man.  Any man whose legs are smoother than mine is just not right.   And don't give me that shit about how it cuts down resistance for bikers and swimmers.   How much fucking resistance can a little leg hair POSSIBLY cause?   Get the fuck outta town with that one.

I'm the chick here, MY legs are the ones that are supposed to be all silky smooth and soft.  I'm the one who is supposed to look good in short skirts and heels.   NOT YOU.   I want to be with a MAN, not another high maintenance chick.   I'm enough for me to handle, mkay?

And so help me if I ever caught you using MY razor.....

Ok, I get it.  I don't have the typical personality of a Domme.  I seem too chill, too mellow, too laidback, too "normal, " too whatever.

I don't JUMP into hardcore D/s talk until I know someone better.   Let's face it, there are a lot of seriously FUCKED UP people on this site.  I'm not going to just invite any ol' random sub into my D/s mindset unless I trust the sub and/or feel a connection with the sub.   I'm not going to waste my time talking scenarios and I'm into if I don't get a good vibe for the person I'm messaging.  Get the fuck over yourself on that one.

I know who I am.  I know what I like.   I also know that I may not be for everyone.  I need to know what the sub is all about before I let him know what I'm all about.  It's called COMMUNICATION.

Crimony..  I'm not looking for a fucking marriage proposal nor am I looking for a casual fucksub either.    Take some fucking time to get to know me.  I might surprise you or I might not.  But I'm not going to put on some fucking fake ass show and be someone that I'm not.   I like to joke, I'm sarcastic, I have OTHER interests in life besides chaining you up to a post and whipping you with a spiked crop.   I want to find someone that I can do that with but you are going to show me that YOU are someone that I would want to do that to.  And I'm sorry, it takes a lot more than just a kinky side to your personality.

So.  Fucking.   Tired.  Not.  Enough.  Coffee.  In.  The.  World.  Right.  Now.

And I swear to god if the dog barks at one more thing I'm going to take a roll of duct tape and tape that fucker's mouth shut once and for all.  My nerves are shot and the last thing I need is to hear his yapping.  AT fucking nothing.  Holy shit.   If he had a good fucking reason, I would be all like "go at it, buddy!" but HE DOESN'T.  He's barking at NOTHING and it's driving me fucking INSANE.  I'm too tired for this shit.

But hey, on the bright side Bin Laden's dead.   Only took 10 fucking years....

I love Fridays because on Fridays I go to the salon and get all sexied up!   Today I got a full color with highlights, haircut, brow wax and a mani/pedi.   I feel like a sexy bitch and that's exactly what I needed after a long work week.    I'm easy peasy during the week but on the weekends I'm high maintenance all the way, baby!

I work with kids during the week.   They could give a shizz whether I'm wearing granny panties and chapstick.   Seriously, I spend the work week with my hair in a ponytail and I wear yoga pants and a t-shirt or scrubs.   Sexy, no?   Exactly.   NO.

But come Friday, I get my sexay on and go out!   Do my hair up, put on make up, wear some fuck-me pumps and sashay my sexy ass self down the street.   Y'all can look but you ain't gettin' shit!  (sorry, my southern roots are showing) I love that!  Teasing is the best part!   LOL

Have a happy weekend, peeps.  Get drunk, get loose, get laid, get whipped, get spanked, get tied up, get electrocuted... whatever floats your boat.   :)    As for me, I'm going out to have a few drinks, show off my hair, go dancing and unwind!

TGIF!   And since it's Friday, that means it's No Pants Friday!   http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=No%20Pants%20Friday

Woo-Hoo!

That means that if you are going to message me today, you are required to TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF.   (you can keep your underwear on; unless I own you, I don't want to see your junk)

If you are at work, that's not my problem, it's yours.  You shouldn't be surfing CM at work anyway, you fucking pervert!   Sneak off to the bathroom and message me from your phone.   Cubicle rat?   I'm sure your cubicle mates would appreciate the laugh at your expense.  I know that I would!

So take those pants off and let the boys breathe a little- or the cat, a healthy kitty is a bare kitty afterall.

So I was a good girl last night and went to bed at a decent hour only to wake up to a barfing dog.  Do you have ANY idea how disgusting dog barf is?   I put on my robe and bunny slippers to take him outside and end up watching two drunk guys puking across the street.

This is why I don't need HUMAN PETS, people.   Worst case scenario, I can put the dog in his kennel and then hose out the kennel in the morning.   What the hell am I going to do with a puking, human pet?   Buy a big ass kennel?   Hmm....... *ponders this*

On a side note: anyone who wants to make fun of the bunny slippers can suck it.   I would make you lick and worship them while I caned your ass for laughing.

Perhaps CM shouldn't have a journal option on here.   Look at the crap that I write... LOL

Hypothetically, let's say you have been in a relationship with someone for almost 11 years.   And during those 11 years, you have been engaged to this person for 9 years.   And the two of you keep breaking up and getting back together.   Over and over and fucking over again.   All of this is driving your family, friends and especially me crazy.   You keep breaking up because the other person can't keep their pants on around other people.

WHY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH DO YOU KEEP GETTING BACK TOGETHER?   You obviously can't make it work and have wandered into pathetic, co-dependentland. 

Isn't it time to have some fucking self respect and MOVE ON?   If you have been engaged for 9 years, honey- it ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN.

(I needed to get that off of my chest and I can't say these things to her because her heart is broken and I'm really just a pussycat under this grumpy exterior.)

There is not enough coffee (or cock, some of you will get this) to get me moving today.    Note to self:  Going to bed at 3am and getting up at 5:30am is a really STUPID idea. 

I love how everyone says that they are "attractive" or "good looking"... Just once I would appreciate someone saying, "Hey, I'm fat, fugly and my friends call me Quasimodo."  

When talking to me, you do not need to refer to yourself as a pet.  I find the notion incredibly ridiculous.  You are a person.   Granted you may be well beneath me but you are still a person.   I am not looking for a pet.   I already have a dog.  He is more than enough pet for me.  I have enough to take care of with him.  I'm not going to walk your ass, feed your ass or clean up after your ass.   If you are a submissive, you should be doing that FOR ME.   So no pets allowed from here on out.

Kthxbye

I am quickly coming to the conclusion that most people do not take the time to read a person's profile.   Is reading difficult for them?   Or perhaps it's a comprehension issue?  

Maybe I'm just too grumpy today...