subinside

I have 2 beautiful children, one 15 yr old girl and one special little boy of 4.  Being a single parent to 2, is a very fulfilling endeavour and as such, I am not on the seeking sites much... basically, because i am not seeking.  Not seeking is not the same as not available.. for i am definitely available.. i am simply not likely to be the one making the first move. 

If You have any interest in getting to know me, i would respectfully ask that you reach out to me and leave me a message. 

Again.. a lack of being here doesn't signify that i'm unavailable.. simply that i am putting my time towards my family instead of being here chasing the dream.  i've been told it happens when you aren't looking for it to.. so come on "it"... i'm here NOT waiting for you ;).

i am not interested in a situation where i would be someone's dirty little secret.

i am not interested in a man that would not make me a priority.

i am not interested in a relationship that still leaves me feeling very much single.

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and i am certainly not interested in settling for less than i deserve.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." — Marilyn Monroe

Warning.. mini rant to follow
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i have made changes to my profile in order to explain some of my preferences.... because it seems that my knowing what i like, and my not being afraid to voice it... offends some people.  Apparently the mere act of putting that i have preferences and that i am selective in who i might wish to associate with is an automatic rejection of some people.  It's as if those words jump off the page and say NO, YOU CANNOT MESSAGE ME IF YOU AREN"T 6'0 TALL!!

Now that's bullshit as far as i'm concerned... but in the spirit of not wanting a certain someone to chase me down and yell at me with yet another of his profiles (he messaged me then blocked me with two profiles like the small d dominant he obviously is)... i augmented the profile.

So just in case i didn't couch enough in the profile... yes, i'll talk to you if you're not 6'0, yes i'll talk to you if you're not exactly around 40 and yes, i'll even talk to you if you're not in the best of shape.

i've dated short people, i've dated fat people and i've dated younger and older people. A preference is just that.. a preference.. it isn't set in stone and it isn't a brick wall.

So to You i say, please feel free to message me even if You don't fit into my preferences... There are many different varieties of tall dark and handsome... and to him i respectfully say... piss off and stop stalking me with your alternate profiles.

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end of rant!

OK.. so you know you've been somewhere too long when you question that someone seems too good to be true and think that the lines are a bullshit come-on and you end up unintentionally insulting the One who may very well have been the right One.

i don't think most of the men on here realize what the subbies go through on these boards... let's put it into perspective...

There are probably 10 legitimate subs for every real Dominant (i'm speaking of fem/Male, i'm sure the female Dominants find the odds even less in their favor.)...ok, so lets go for the 10 sub to 1 real Dom scenario... daunting to say the least... a girl knows if she finds a good One online that there's probably at least 9 others also attempting to gain the favour of that same One.

Most of the good Doms are out living their lives with the very happy subbies who have captured their hearts... so that leaves the rest of us with fewer needles to find within the giant haystack of a site such as this one..

There are probably 10 HNG's to every legitimate Dom on these sites.. and guess what? the HNG's are usually the more vocal ones.. they also cut and paste a hella lot better, and faster than the real Doms do...

Every time a girl goes online, she is inundated with messages of hi... or yum... or hmmm wanna fuck? and the list goes on and on... so i ask You..

Please, if we seem skeptical, or hesitant.. please understand why... we don't mean to insult You.. or misjudge You.. we're simply trying to interpret and protect ourselves at the same time...

Someone commented on my profile as to how can a submissive be searching for a partner... so i changed my profile.. but i've been thinking about it and after i'm finished writing this i'm changing it back.

i do want a partner dammit, i want someone to go through this journey with, who has my back as i'll have his.? Just cause he's dom and i'm sub, doesn't make us any less partners.. we'll both have opinions on decisions that need to be made.. only he'll have the last word.. but he'll still value my opinion and i'm sure there'll be enough times that my?opinion sways him not cause he's less dominant, but because it's more logical and he is strong enough to not be intimidated by the fact that i came up with the best solution.

oh yeah, and i've realized something.. i'm not a slave.. i'm a sub, and i'm happy being a sub.? i have children, i'm not about to be walking around the house naked all day.. i have a brain that needs to be challenged which means i need to work in order to be happy... ergo, i'm most likely not going to be happy staying at home watching the kids all day and tuning in to soaps and Oprah. Now this doesn't preclude the possibility that in time with the right person i could morph into a slave... anything is possible.. never say never...

i'm kinky and i'm submissive.. but i know my worth and my value and every day i'm figuring out more of what i want vs. what i need. Self knowledge is a good thing

Do you know your value and worth?

So far so good.. still not smoking.

Went to have the ultrasound... the news was a definite surprise to me.. i totally wasn't expecting it.  But... he's healthy and happy and they say he is probably about 2 lbs 1 oz right now..

So now i face bringing up a son without a father.. not the most reassuring position to be in for sure. But i'll make the most of it, i don't really have a choice do i?

In the past few months i've tried to stay positive and look at the good things.. but every now and then i have a night like this one.. where i wake up from the baby moving and lay there with my hand on my belly as the miracle within me flutters about beneath, and i can't help but think to myself... "this wasn't how it was supposed to be!!!"

Baby's moving a lot these days. It must be a night owl though, it seems to be mostly at night.  i find myself woken up two or three times a night. Ah well, i guess i need to get used to getting up at all hours of the night.

Speaking of which, i suppose i should put in for a 3 bedroom.. either that or have the baby sleeping in my room.. damn, then i'd never get ANY sleep.

So my daughter had an away sleepover Friday night.  Was a nice respite.. a shame i didn't have anyone to spend it with, but that's ok, better alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong.  Besides, the baby's beginning to show, so i'm not overly expectant to have men knocking my door down to get to me. 

Anyway, i go to pick up the little one from the store her friends parents own, and i'm told that she's a couple of doors down looking at new kittens.. uhoh, the alarms in my head go off.  Sure enough.. there she is with a kitten in her arms and puppy dog eyes on me.

I'm happy to say we are now the proud owner of Lily, although our old cat is none too happy and hisses whenever she even sees the young one.. but oh well, she'll have to adapt.

Hope your weeks were good ones.

So, it was a pretty good weekend.  Went out on a date and went to see "Knocked Up".. it was a very good movie.  Then again, i had good company for it.  Was a good night, but i don't sense much interest from the other party. That's ok, i'm sure my One is out there.