- The Largest BDSM Community on the Planet

The Largest BDSM Community on the Planet

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Pan Female Slave, 58,  Tampa, Florida
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just your typical masochistic submissive with slave tendencies.

in my younger days, you may have run across me at any of the public dungeons in central or southern florida, two or three parties in one night, having my ass flayed to pieces and loving every second of it.

nowadays i am more apt to be found sitting in my recliner on a saturday night, cats on my lap, crocheting afghans and counting dustballs.

yup, ill be that woman you read about with 28 cats whose body was found two weeks after she died, mostly gnawed past recognition by her feline friends. but ill die with a smile on my face with years of happy memories being a bottom, a sub, and on rare occasions that i will always treasure, a slave.

today,intelligence is more important to me than the size of your cock. heres an idea. instead of sending me a cock pic, how about an MRI scan of your cerebral cortex? yes, its true, the brain really is the most important sex organ! imagine that.

VERY short attention - so youd better make it good -) the hi hru emails are not going to impress me. sorry, what was i saying? damn that short attention !

no long distance - i need the physical presence of a significant other. i do hot skype chats all day for my job and that just doesnt cut it in my personal life.

no drama - everyone comes with baggage but if youre driving up with a U-haul filled with it, no thanks. i live a VERY stress-free life and dont allow that into my life.

no games - if you cannot be honest, we wont work out. period. its just that simple. i dont mean honesty when it feels good or when its easy. i mean brutal, oh shit this is gonna be a long night discussing this but we MUST get this done to work it out and i dread coming clean about this because of the repercussions but im a man, dammit, and im gonna do the right thing here, come what may, kind of honesty. thats NOT easy, that takes trust, commitment, integrity, communication skills and self-awareness. and WORK!

vanilla is not an option. ive been wired up as a submissive masochist for as long as i can remember, as early as five years old. if you dont have a toybag, or your toybag consists only of very vanilla things like dildos and vibrators, we dont have much in common. read the side bar to see my likes and dislikes. and for goodness sake when you email me, please have your own profile filled out, along with your vanilla and bdsm likes and dislikes column flying your freak flag proudly.

i am happiest when serving a Master. if i were ever to serve anyone again, it would have to be a dominant man, a true alpha male, who has his own life together before he even thinks of dominating someone elses life. otherwise, i am very content to remain single. as the impetuousness of instant gratification has been fulfilled for over three decades, i now find that i am very picky and will not settle. i prefer to be with black men, from 30 to 60 years of age.

some quotes ive made up over the years

coloring outside the fine line of pleasure and pain

embracing my inner sluthood since 1980

healing the world one orgasm at a time

man thinks about sex once every six seconds...what the heck takes him so long?

so, in inclusion of this thesis, Master Right will need to be open minded, nonjudgmental, a man not prone to jealousy. in return, i offer the same, in addition to loyalty, honesty, and the willingness to do my utmost to learn what you want, and give it to you, just as you wish it, whenever you want it.

while i know this all sounds very bossy, believe me, i am extremely submissive., with slave tendencies. i just know from much life experience (perhaps TOO much life experience) what works best for me. why waste your time, or mine, with games and non-disclosure in the hopes of snaring a man who probably isnt right for me anyway? life is too short for that. we both have much better things to do.












 Female Slave



 5' 10"

 291 lbs






Actively Seeking:

Dominant male



A Poly Household

 Lives For:

 Being Massaged

 Hair Pulling




 Lifestyle BDSM


 Amusement Parks

 Art Galleries


 Fine Dining



 Musical Theater

 Renaissance Faires





 Horseback Riding





 Body Worship


 Breast Play

 Canes and Crops



 Electrical Play


 Eye Contact Restrictions

 G-spot Service

 Local BDSM Community

 Fire Play





 Masks (Wearing)

 Medical fetish play

 Orgasm Control


 Sensation Play

 Outdoor Bondage

 Public Play

 Role Playing

 Sensory Play

 Speech Restrictions

 Suspension Bondage

 Vacuum Stimulation


 Wax Play

 Horror Movies







 Libertarian Politics

 Paranormal Phenomena




 Old Guard



 Alternative Music

 Electronica / EDM


 Heavy Metal Music

 Hip Hop Music

 Industrial Music

 New Age Music


 Rock Music



 Antique Shows

 Bar Hopping

 Bird Watching


 Coffee Shops

 Flea Markets

 Garage Sales

 Going to the Opera









 Skate Boarding




 Anal Play



 Erotic touch

 Modern Primitivism


 Obedience Training


 Clothing Selection

 Maid / Butler Service


 Plastic Wrap Bondage

 Rubber Fetish




 Board Games

 Card Games



 Comedy Shows

 Historical Shows

 Puzzle Games

 Romance Novels

 Science Fiction


 True Crime

 Web Surfing

 Alternative Medicine


 Body Art




 Online Auctions







 Intellectual Discourse





 Political Activism

 1950s Lifestyle




 Victorian Lifestyle


 Eighties Music

 EMO Music


 New Wave

 Nineties Music


 Pop Music

 Punk Rock Music



 Seventies Music

 Show Tunes





 Modern Paganism







 Street Hockey






 Corner Time

 Foot Worship

 Pony/Puppy Roleplay


 Arcade Games

 Online Chatrooms

 TV News


 Conservative Politics

 Liberal Politics


 Folk Music






 Curious About:


 Martial Arts

 Scuba Diving

 Surf Boarding

 Ultimate Frisbee

 Wind Surfing


 Erotic Hypnosis

 Gas Masks

 Mental Bondage

 Theatrical Scenes


 Online RPGs

 Role Playing Games

 Simulation Games

 Candle Making





 Soap Making






 Working Out


 Classical Music

 Opera Music

 Feng Shui


 Body Building

 Kick Boxing



 Sky Diving







 Blue Grass

 Country Music


 Latter-day Saints


 Auto Racing






 Horse Racing

 Ice Hockey




 Domestic Service

 Housework Service


 Hard Limits:


 TV Sports

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Journal Entries:
8/7/2022 12:20:35 AM

I admire people who have the courage to have their photos on sites like this.  They are making a stand even though they know they might be seen on here by friends and family.  

I was outed, and recently found out a family member found out about my porn work.  The world didn't end.  I was not ostracized.  Life goes on.  Wave your freak flag high and carry on.  I am not ashamed of my choices. 

12/3/2021 4:14:31 AM

Not interested in hookups.  Please move along. 

12/1/2021 6:08:38 AM

I'm sorry, but if you're not local, I'm not able to keep up with my inbox and probably won't reply. 

11/7/2021 9:45:44 AM

I'm back in Tampa, Florida.  Home sweet home.  Moved back a year ago and although i miss Las Vegas and those who are very special to me, i feel like I'm back where i belong.  

As soon as COVID is under control, I'll be attending Sir Stefan's parties again. 

I was in a very intense 3 year relationship in Vegas but it was not meant to be.  I'm single again and I'm totally ok with that. 

Stay safe and healthy! 

4/28/2016 4:42:42 PM
Seems like I've gone from a frequent blogger to a even rarer than rare blogger. There's really nothing to report. My websites are doing phenomenally, I'm settled in Las Vegas although horribly homesick for Florida, and things are taken on a day by day basis now. I've been diagnosed with fun things like hypoxia, lupus, chronic fatigue syndrome, fybromyalgia, and each of these causes other health problems. The worst is the chronic pain and exhaustion. So I've decided I'm not going to put this burden on others and i have committed to being single. It was pretty heartbreaking to come to this conclusion but now I'm totally at peace with it. Throughout all my years of exploring, I've experienced more in one weekend than what most people experience in a lifetime. I'm too tired to go to munches or play parties. I'm too jaded to deal with "doms" who are figments of their own imagination. I just don't have the energy to put into friendships, let alone a relationship. But it's really ok. I have absolutely no regrets except for people i have hurt through the years. And even though I've had more than my share of heartbreak and heartache, I'm grateful and happy for all I've done in the bdsm world. I'm actually glad I'm single. If i were with someone, I'd always wonder if he were with me because he really loves me, or because he feels obligated to help me with all my health issues. I never want someone to be with me out of obligation. It's really exciting to see how things like fetl!fe have taken off on such a huge scale. As much as i HATED 50 shades of grey, it did bring bdsm to the mainstream, for better or for worse. Bdsm is becoming more and more trendy. Some day, it will be totally acceptable to come out of the closet as far as bdsm sexual orientation and kinks and fetishes. And that's because of thousands of people who worked for years, sometimes at the disgust and alienation of their loved ones, to make the general public more accepting of this orientation. For many of us, it's not a game or a role we choose to play. It's who we are. As much as the color of our eyes, the X and Y chromosomes, and our sexual orientation. For some of us, it's how we were born. We knew it ever since we were very very young, before we even knew what to call it. It's how we were wired up from the womb. It's how we were before it was cool and trendy and avant-garde to be the way we are. So, i will remain single. But don't ever doubt for a second that deep down, i will always be a submissive masochist. And i didn't find him in this life, but hopefully in the next life, i will find my Master. I learned so much in this life, and i just hope i can take it all into the next one, to better serve him.

11/12/2014 10:54:47 AM
i am very proud to say i have two new tattoos!  they both permanently show my love for black men.  one is on my upper back/lower neck and one is on my right ankle.

8/19/2014 11:19:48 PM
bee-tee-dubs, check out MY FIRST TATTOO!  the first time i ever saw the bdsm triskele, it was like i finally found the symbol that explained all those things about me for all those years i didn't understand myself.  so i got it on my left boobie.  and since i am a masochist, i LOVED getting it.  i'm hooked! it's still pretty basic but it will be a work in progress.  the next one is going to be a QueenOfSpades on my ankle in september.  whoot!

8/19/2014 10:26:41 PM
so the summer shoots were AMAZING!  i shot with a bunch of local guys, had a 21 year old kid from egypt come shoot with me, guys from cali and one guy who i had shot with a couple times before,  came out from missouri to shoot again.  it was incredible! the footage we got was truly some of the best work we have ever done so farm in the four years i've worked with my photographer/videographer/business partner/confidant/wardrobe/props/2257 recordskeeper/bartender/valet/bellhop/personal cook/website content manager/garter attacher/shoe buckler/corset cincher/and so many other roles he takes on.  

it was exhausting, it was stressful, it was six 16-hour days, and truth be told, i had more dick in every orifice those six days than i've had this entire YEAR!  

when it was done, i took two days off to crash from the high of shooting on pure adrenaline.

i had rented two gorgeously decorated luxury homes, one was probably the biggest house i had ever been in my LIFE had a BIDET!  people, why doesn't every house in the USA have a bidet?  it is every ass and pussy's dream and cleaning up after shoots was a breeze!  

and this time i really splurged.  i got my hair cut and colored. a fill and a pedicure, a facial, eyebrow waxing, eyelash extension, full body massage, and god/dess knows what else day the day before the shoot, and then every day of the shoot i had a hairdresser and makeup artist get me ready every morning.  it was HEAVEN!  the only thing i didn't have was someone to wipe my ass!  hah hah hah hah!

but anyway, now that we are all recovered, we are doing it all again, oct 28, 29, 30 and nov 2, 3 and 4 in vegas.  i have narrowed the next porn palace(s) down and will choose by next week and finalize the arrangements.

it's going dooooown!

so, guys, from the USA to egypt and beyond, if you wanna shoot with me this fall, contact me asap.  the summer time slots filled up fast and i had a waiting list of people on standby so don't wait or hesitate!

in lust, love, light and leather,

5/10/2014 12:06:28 AM

shoots in vegas may 28 - june 3 in gorgeous upscale pool homes.  i need male costars.  calling all male talent!  apply within.  pun intended.

3/5/2014 11:46:57 PM

in this day and age, there's no reason not to have a profile picture up.  even if you work at a job where you need to be discreet, you can put SOMETHING up.  it just makes me wonder what you're hiding if you can't show yourself.  like maybe a wife and kids?


i'm gonna be completely honest here.  if your profile doesn't have a photo of you and at least a little bit about yourself, i probably won't answer your message.

1/31/2014 4:33:40 PM

two rooms available for rent in my las vegas home.  $425/mo for one room, $575/mo for both rooms.  utilities split down the middle.  you'd have your own bathroom.  you'd need first month's rent, $200 utility upfront and $250 refundable security deposit to move in.  i'll be doing a background and credit check.  no prior evictions.  no addictions to anything (except sex, LOL).  if you're allergic to cats, you're S.O.L.

1/25/2014 11:10:05 AM

well, that's weird.  i've had my photos up here for years, only to have them removed because my website's URL was on them.  not to worry.  it was way overdue to change them out anyway.  and i think i know what bitter person caused that to happen.  just remember what they say about karma....the $350+ you owe me will end up screwing you multifold.  

1/23/2014 8:16:31 PM

my visit to florida in october was wonderful but all too short.  there were several very special people in my life i wasn't able to see, and i regret that still.  i am planning on the next visit this spring.  will probably shoot a few days as well.


all kinds of crazy things going on in vegas!  i don't know why, but ever since i moved to vegas, my porn sales have mushroomed and all my sites are going great, even though i shoot less and put in much less work and time into it now.


my photographer just left to go back to florida after two wonderful days of shoots here.  i rented some beautiful suites in gorgeous boutique hotels.  vegas is great for having tons of reasonably priced yet sumptuous shoot locations!  


i don't have a regular bdsm play partner, but i do play hard on occasion with a few trusted friends and that gets me by.  i still will not settle.  i know what i want and i will wait for him.  i don't mind being alone in the meantime.


my home is a sanctuary for me and i enjoy having select dear friends come visit me in it.  i have three empty bedrooms with just me living here but at least i have room for all my racks of porn clothes, porn shoes, and dungeon furniture!  i am still spoiling my kitties rotten.  and my skin still hasn't adjusted to the desert's dryness.  but i don't miss florida's humidity although i dearly miss beautiful sunsets over the gulf!


life is good!

8/13/2013 11:05:56 PM

vegas has been keeping me busy.  it's a 24/7 town and i love it and i hate it.


even though i cannot shoot every week or every month like i did in florida, my photographer has flown here twice since i've moved here, and we have gotten amazing footage in vegas.  i am flying to florida in october to see my family, a few close friends, and, of course, get more footage!


southern-charms is going great!

clips4sale is going great!

i am STILL heartbroken, but healing, FINALLY!  slowly, but that's better than nothing.


i spent nine days in the loony bin earlier this year, and am back on my meds, and back on track. 


it's taken months to be able to say this again,




life is good!


if you have my number, give me a call and say hi.  i miss florida and my friends very much.



12/9/2012 11:56:36 AM

i rarely have time to log on here or "that other" fetish website, and was shocked to see how long it had been since i'd been on here.  


i love the lack of humidity in vegas, although my skin is showing signs of dryness that i never had to worry about before.  not good for the camera.


i love the 24.7 life here.  it is nothing to be out until daylight, get a good six hours sleep and then do it all over again.


i love the friends i have made here thus far and am looking forward to making many more.


i love the opportunities for bbw models and porn workers here.  


i love the culture here.  there is constantly multiple events going on that i'd like to go to and wish i could clone myself.

i love the bdsm community here.  of course like in every other part of the world, there is a core group that is tight and "real" and unfortunately, with some drama, i don't think you can ever get away from that.  but the ones i have met have been very gracious to me.


i was told there is a whole different world in vegas, off the strip, and it is true.  i think i've only been on the strip once since i arrived here, and it was to show visitors around.  


i love what the city has to offer to the locals, that the tourists never have the time or inclination to find out about.  and i think i am ok with that :-)


there are some rough spots, of course.  i miss my friends and family in florida horribly.


and one of the reasons that i moved here actually ended up causing me extreme heartbreak, that i am still not over.


but every day is a new day.


i am very excited that dear friends from detroit, florida, new york, and other places are coming to shoot with me starting in january.  after taking three months off, i had a wonderful guy from north carolina come to shoot with me during the thanksgiving holiday and it went great, and thanks to him, it made me realize how much i missed shooting porn.  so i am ready to jump back into the saddle refreshed from my break.


life goes on.  i would say my usual, "life is good," but that will have to wait until i am completely healed from that major setback.





10/17/2012 9:12:02 AM

i can't believe how time is flying.  things are going well in vegas.  major adjustments, to be sure, but i am taking it one day at a time and trying not to stress over things that are out of my control.  i've found a beautiful home, am making good friends, and enjoying life. i do miss my close friends and family in florida, though, and sometimes i go through rough patches when i miss them so much, but i hope they can come visit me, and vice versa, soon.  


there is a really nice local munch with wonderful people, and i go to power exchange every chance i get.  it's nice to have a vibrant, active local scene.

8/25/2012 3:40:43 PM

i am almost all packed up.  hope to see family before i move.  would love to have seen friends in person before i go but that's just not possible.  


the universe has been very kind.  one obstacle after another has been removed.  today a dear person volunteered to drive with me. that is such a relief.  i was worried about driving alone, 2500 miles, 10+ hours per day for five days.  plus he's hot too LOL.  


it's bittersweet to leave florida.  i used to move from place to place with not very much tangible possessions.  i've found the older i get, the more junk i hold unto just for sentimental reasons.  like plastic hotel room keys.  long story there, never mind.  or old CDs - the actual CD is ruined but the memories behind it aren't.  i vowed when i get to vegas, i will unpack and purge all this.  let's see if i can actually DO that.


this is a long era of my life that will be over.  a brand new set of friends, experiences, memories are waiting.  i am ready for it.  but i will miss the prior chapter very much.


8/5/2012 8:34:37 AM

big news.  i am moving to vegas september 1st.  if you could help me load up my truck either the night before, or the morning of, near the love's truck stop near exit 44 off I-4 (route 559) i would be happy to give you $20 for gas and a hug goodbye.



7/8/2012 7:07:54 PM

tons of shoots booked in the next two weeks....i am almost ready for fan fest.  i am staying 21 days in sin city.  have mixed feelings about it now.  so many things have happened, some good, some bad.  very very bad.  life has been throwing me and people dear to me a lot of snags lately.  i have almost all the things i need for vending at bbw fan fest and am now packing for all the shoots.  it's a daunting task, and to keep it all below 100 lb of suitcases on the plane.  i have been very overwhelmed.  major decisions need to be made but i just don't have all the data yet to make an informed decision.  so i remain in limbo...i haven't a day off in months, often getting less than five hours sleep a night.  i envy those who have a significant other to help them handle all this.  but i know that what i am going through is nothing compared to loved ones who have been handed a very raw deal right now from fate.  


i have dozens of unopened private messages on here that are unanswered and i apologize for that. just not enough hours in the day.


enjoy your summer, and take time to spend it with the people you love.  you never know if it may be your last time you see them.  not to be morbid.  but just reminded of the frailty of life.  





6/14/2012 4:34:58 PM

set your alarm!  i will be a guest on internet radio show sunday july 1 between 10 pm and 1 am eastern time, talking about bdsm, porn, swinging, sex work, sex and more!

6/8/2012 9:31:10 AM

i know it's judgmental but red flags always go up if someone won't post ANY photo of themselves on social sites.  can't help but wonder what are they hiding?  i understand the need for discretion in some situations but even a below the neck shot is better than nothing.

6/5/2012 10:34:13 PM

my back went out for a week and i had to cancel the dallas trip. very very disappointed. luckily the paid shoot was fine with postponing it until later this year. which is great. but damn, i could really use that money NOW.


vegas is coming up quckly. does anyone know of any good places to shoot there? indoors or outdoors? i have already booked the power exchange for a day of private shoots, and inquired with LV Moments' studio, and are planning another day at mount charleston and will be including red rock canyon this time. thanks for any information.


so many reasons i am looking forward to vegas, but one reason out-reasons them all. more to come on this soon.


by the way, any models in las vegas need a place to shoot on july 17 and would like to help split the cost, PM me. right now there are enough people coming to make it less than $20/per person but there's room for more. go to the power exchange's las vegas website to see the incredible shoot potential of this place, and the photos do not do it justice.

5/25/2012 10:33:45 AM


to all those people who through the years have told me to write a book. you are right. i'm not saying that to blow my own horn. but you are right and now i see that. if a book like 50 shades of grey can make it on the new york times best seller list, what would my real-life experience bring? and i can name 50 people in my friends list on here who could do the same exact thing. people, we are missing a major opportunity here. can't write? hire a ghostwriter. you'll make your investment 100x over.

so yeah, i read 50 shades of grey. the whole trilogy. i MADE myself finish it. seriously. i forced myself to read the whole damn thing.

i was not impressed. the writing was horrible. the sex scenes were written even worse. for someone who was not sure if she was submissive, she was being led around like a puppy on a leash. and of course he had to be rich and powerful, that's the only way he could afford to whisk her off her feet.

but that's just the outer layer.

in it's bdsm philosophy, the final book actually made me angry.

to give up being submissive or having slave tendencies, would be like me giving up having breasts or a vagina or blue eyes or preferring ice cream over crackers. it's not going away. i can't put it up on a shelf. it's WHO I AM. and i think any alpha male, true dominant, natural master, whatever you want to call it, would say the same thing.

i do not know if the author is into BDSM full time or read a wikipedia entry on it or what. and i know it is on the times best seller list and women all over the world are getting off on it and men are reading it to find out why the heck their woman is so obsessed over it.

but in my mind, it was a huge disappointment, and only scratched the surface of domination, submission, sadism, masochism, and so many other things that are near and dear to me, and in my opinion it turned out to be a typical love-conquers-all romance novel and bdsm-is-really-just-for-sickos type of dogma.

if you want to get a realistic view of bdsm, don't read this book.

especially if you believe deep down like i do that we, non-vanilla people, that is, can't shelve this part of us.

i felt like the book was making the characters make a choice. and that the most practical thing to do was be 95% vanilla and when in rare occasions you felt like you had to get your freak on, you drag out and dust off the floggers for an hour and then go back to your regularly scheduled program called boring life.


i'll sleep in the sicko camp any time. the vanilla camp can go get more unrealistic installments of shades of grey and masturbate furtively to it in the bathroom while their husband sleeps in front of the tv for the rest of their lives.

me? i want to serve my beloved all day long out of love and submissiveness and be PROUD OF IT because it is WHO I AM not a role i play, then be taken out publicly to the local dungeon, tied up in the main room on a spanking bench, being flogged, whipped, paddled and spanked so hard my ass bleeds, fucked senseless with his beloved cock, and then brought to so many painful orgasms with the unbearably overly stimulating hitachi wand that i speak in tongues and collapse in tears into my beloved's arms.

100 shades of black and blue over 50 shades of grey, any day, any time, any where.

damn, i oughta copyright that saying right now.

5/25/2012 10:06:14 AM

between two major family crises, and several major life decisions coming up, i am finding myself mentally, emotionally and spiritually drained.  regarding the life decisions, there is a never-ending game my brain plays of "what if.... vs. fear of failure."


my tantra mentor tells me there IS no failure, only an opportunity to learn something and grow.  i could grasp and embrace and live by that, if it were just me.  but when other people are involved, that changes the game drastically, doesn't it?


this trip to vegas coming up in july will either be a life changing event, or things will quickly go back to status quo.  one part of that excites me yet terrifies me - going outside my comfort zone, the need to stretch myself, uncertain as to whether or not i can adapt, and the unknown, which causes fear. and the other part welcomes going back to status quo, the comfortable.  the known.  the achievable.  the safe choice.


but then i would always wonder, "what if?"


i used to embrace change but as i get older, i tend to avoid it.    yet it is through change that we grow.  so i guess the question is, do i want to grow or not?


5/21/2012 6:47:34 AM

i'll be on the space coast for ten days beginning tomorrow if anyone wants to get together for drinks or a sit on the beach.  

5/15/2012 9:48:51 PM

mr. nuttz came down from detroit and shot with me and my porn-bff eden and it was so much fun.  we laughed, we cried, we shot.  


june will take me to dallas for, surprisingly, many more shoots than i had hoped for.  i am loving these paid shoots, let me tell you!


july will take me to vegas and wow, do i have some exciting news i may be sharing very soon about that...if all goes well.


life is good.

5/9/2012 6:35:58 AM

major life choices coming up.  uncertainty is never easy for me.  but i hope to make the choices with a "carpe diem" attitude of "YES!!!" and not a "oh god/dess i hope i'm making the right choice" attitude of fear.

5/4/2012 7:35:38 AM

been sick with flu for the past few days, too sick to take care of business, too sick to update my website.  i feel bad for the customers who have paid money and got no update this week.  next week i'll do two to make up for it.


too sick with flu to go to the tampa bay webgirls' meet and greet, and too sick to network at the bbw nightclub tonight.  i don't know why, if it's been all the meditation i've been doing or what, but the universe has been very very kind to me in so many ways recently.  so i am not going to let a flu bug get me down.


bbwfanfest in july in las vegas is going to be amazing.  there are a lot of wonderful industry people coming, as well as fans and members of my site with whom i've been talking for years.  i'm really looking forward to meeting them face to face and share a hug.  i am also excited to go to back to vegas for another reason, and perhaps i will share all that after my visit if all goes well.  


my new blog has been receiving very positive response.  it has been very therapeutic to put decades of thoughts into words.  and i am only up to about age 18 or so.  i don't mind sharing such personal things with anyone out there in the world who cares to read it because my goal is to help people see that pleasure comes in all forms, and pleasure is good.  when a woman writes to me privately and tells me she has fantasized about things that i've wrote about too, i want her to feel positive about her self, and not shamed.  we've been shamed for far too long.  the huge mainstream success of such novels as fifty shades of grey just goes to show that women all over the world have long been wanting to explore their sexuality and that it is OK and healthy to do so.  anything i can do to help in the cause, i will.


4/23/2012 8:37:14 AM

i am sorry, and feel so bad, but i just don't have much free time to answer emails on here much.  


i'll do so as soon as i can.  


in the meantime, if you are so inclined, pleas feel free to check out a new blog i started,



the goal is to make a useful contribution to the blogging world about bdsm, nudism, swinging, sex work, spirituality, being single BECAUSE of all that, and to drive more traffic to my porn sites.  


gotta love the internet, multi-tasking made easy.

4/15/2012 12:34:16 PM

i am so lucky, so blessed.  my photographer called me this morning and gave me the wonderful news that he CAN shoot me in vegas before and during the bbw fanfest in july. i am so excited!  


4/12/2012 11:18:32 AM

finally made it back home from vegas.  what a trip.  i will never forget it.  so very grateful to all who made my stay so wonderful.  my favorite shoots were in the mountains, over 7000 feet high.  it was hard to look "sexy" for porn when i was so overwhelmed by the majesty of the mountains.  it was breathtaking...literally....high elevation made it hard to breathe but i climbed rock formations barefoot and knelt in caves on my knees with sharp rock bottoms and it was worth the cuts, scratches, scrapes and ruined pedicure.  i loved the dry heat and felt so good in it, once i got used to slathering on moisturizer, using saline spray up my nose, and using extra conditioner on my hair.  oh, and drinking a ton of water.


the power exchange in vegas is simply amazing.  the nicest dungeon i have ever seen, hands down.  and the staff were very friendly and the owner was a great guy.  if i lived there, i would be a fixture there.


i go back in july for the bbw fan fest, i will be in booth #14.  come and visit me.  i have also been invited to stay for the bbw bash the following weekend and am seriously considering it.



4/5/2012 9:47:39 AM

can't believe how fast time is flying by here.  met so many wonderful people.  i am going to miss it.  am so torn about going back home.  usually i miss home and cannot wait another single minute to get back to it but i really am enjoying my stay here.  do hope my cats are ok...


tonight is power exchange and tomorrow night am doing a paid shoot that focuses on my breasts and nipples.  wow, for once my ass isn't the focus!  that's a novelty!

i am days behind answering people's messages on here.  will do so when i can.



4/3/2012 8:23:35 PM

i ended up changing my reservation to april 9th.  i am having so much fun and getting great content.  


yesterday my hosts took us to porn star karaoke at the rio in vegas where i sang and danced and met a bunch of nice porn stars.  i also won the orgasm contest and received a really kewl casino hoodie as my prize.  it was a blast.


thursday we are going to the power exchange for their bbw night.  hope to get my ass whupped there.  and other things,

4/2/2012 1:07:32 AM

having a blast shooting in vegas.  so much so that i am considering staying longer.  there just wasn't enough time to fit everybody in...pun fully intended.


i have a lot of unread messages in my inbox but just no time to read or answer.  will do so as soon as possible.  i am lucky if i get five hours sleep a night!



3/19/2012 5:40:23 AM

i've been asked how to vote for me for MILF award at the bbwfanfest.  you can send an email to


thank you to everyone who votes, and i am excited to be just a small representation of bbw MILFs who are kinky and into bdsm!

3/17/2012 10:45:04 AM


i am stunned.  i was just told i was nominated for MILF of the year at the bbw fan fest in las vegas, july 13-15.  i know most of the co-nominees and i must say i am truly honored to be included in such company.  

3/13/2012 11:53:04 PM

finally the sickness that i brought back from detroit is dissipating.  i've been walking around sucking on cough drops constantly because it settled down in my lungs.  i could barely finish a sentence before i had to cough but it's finally showing signs at the end of the tunnel.


i've been working hard, and playing harder.  and loving every minute of it.


one business has slowed down, one is kicking ass, and one is at a complete standstill and i don't see it going any further unless i find another business partner to take it over.  


and absolutely loving this perfect florida weather, with the orange groves in sweet smelling blossoms, the azaleas in full bloom, and the confederate jasmine surrounding my house with its perfume.  ahhh love it!

2/23/2012 6:10:57 PM

in 32 days i'll be going to vegas for the first time in my life!   a whole week of shoots are planned while visiting with friends.  very excited.  



2/21/2012 2:53:41 PM

just found out i will be on the cover of mondo extreme BBW & BLACK COCKS porn dvd.  the artwork was just approved.  


i'll be posting a picture of it.


this will be my second cover.   big butt magazine 2011 was my first.  


two down, millions more to go....


1/31/2012 9:19:49 AM

back from five days of shooting in detroit.  met some really wonderful people.  also brought home a souvenir - a horrible cold.  


i'll be going back...but only when it's warmer up there!



1/1/2012 5:08:50 PM

i find myself oddly very ill at ease about some personal things, and some business things.


and after six years of working in the adult entertainment industry, i think i may have my first "creepy stalker" guy.  it's very unsettling.  

12/30/2011 3:14:58 PM

still looking for at least five more photographers/videographers to help me populate some kinky clips4sale sites PLUS i will be launching my own adult website with photos, videos, and more, PLUS my very own phonesex/webcam site.  as much as i love niteflirt, southern-charms and clips4sale, i need to start keeping more of the profit for myself.

12/23/2011 9:30:30 AM

sir steffan had a kick ass daytime party wednesday.  my ass is completely purple.  it's been a long long time since i've had a completely purple ass.  


sir steffan graciously allowed me to have a "break and take" policy.  a cane was broken into three pieces over my ass, and i was allowed to take it home to add to my "wall of fame/shame."  it's been a long long time since anything was added to that collection, as well.


there was a wide mix of people, all ages, all levels of experience.  it is a very positive environment with no drama and i love that.  attendance was great, i do believe i heard the number 42 mentioned.  not bad for a middle of the week daytime group!  many familiar faces, and enjoyed meeting new people.


john and starla had a lovely christmas party in their home the night before and i really enjoyed that, too.  very laid back with "real people" in attendance.  the food was all excellent.  the atmosphere was so relaxing and FUN!  there was a michael jackson experience (wii game) dance-off with only a difference of about 200 points - that was a hoot to watch.  santa without pants, a fun secret santa gift exchange, delicious morsels to nibble on and several glasses of warm cider for me....mmmmmm yummy.....


but in between the two events.....


something i've been thinking about a lot is that between the home party tuesday night and the kick-ass play party wednesday afternoon, i made a spur of the moment decision and went to visit someone in tampa.  it was not good, or beneficial, or affirming, or enjoyable, or constructive in any way, shape or form, except the lesson of what came of it.  


i've been struggling with myself for the past 48 hours, going through the process of WHY did i allow what happened to happen.  


i learned a bit more about myself through the process of thinking through that choice after the fact, though, so although the situation was not a good one, and time and gas and energy was completely wasted in the situation, the learning experience about myself was worth it.  and i will never do that again.  but i don't regret doing it.  if that makes any sense.  i think i am a better person for it.


i think it all can be said in one word.  




through this instance, i have learned a lot about respect and how it plays a part in my own personal life.  i have learned that my own self respect needs to improve, and i have learned that even though i am still extremely submissive, and i still have extreme slave tendencies, i should still have enough self respect to walk away from a situation.  i also learned that if, in turn, i do not respect someone, not much good will come out of sharing time or energy with them.  and i also learned that if someone does not respect you, not much good will be had by sharing time or energy with them.


pretty simple, eh?  nothing earth shattering or life changing, but somehow i forgot this concept. 


starla and i have been discussing this in depth, and she has blogged about it, and i don't mean to copy her blogging subject, but really, what that bad time all boils down to, is respect.  i didn't respect this person.  this person did not respect me.  


but a lightbulb of insight, that "AHA MOMENT" showed me, I DIDN'T RESPECT MYSELF BY ALLOWING IT TO HAPPEN.


and that is the greatest problem.  


somehow, after all these years, after all these decades, i found myself in the old, old trap of "i'm not a good submissive/slave if i don't do what i'm told" even if the whole situation is a huge, huge mistake and i don't want to do it.


my gawd, i thought i was long past this.  what the fuck?  this is newbie subbie 101 stuff.


somewhere in the back of my brain something is jiggling around so i know there is something else i should be realizing but it hasn't hit me yet.  i'll wait patiently for it.


anyway, after the kick ass party i had a very productive and informative four hour business meeting with a potential co-conspirator in my erotic adult work that i had the pleasure of meeting for the first time.  i am excited over this meeting, because it seems that 2012 has a lot of new and exciting ventures on the horizon.


by the way, is anyone going to the bbw fanfest in las vegas july 13-15, 2011?  i just registered today and am getting very excited about it.  i am not listed on the model attendees yet but please put sammieSC2 on your registration form where it asks how you heard about the event.  i'd love to meet some of you out there.  there are some beautiful kinky fetish bbw models who will be there and i'm looking forward to meeting them. 

12/20/2011 7:04:49 AM

january - shooting in detroit

april - shooting in las vegas

june - shooting in dallas

july - back to las vegas


on my wishlist for shoots - the pacific northwest, atlanta, miami.


let the frequent flyer miles accumulate!  :-)  i hope to make a personal pilgrimage to sedona soon, with a side trip to chicago to visit some demons from my past and hopefully exorcise them.


life is good.

12/12/2011 5:31:41 PM

well far the detroit gang is pretty sure they can meet all my demands including setting up a private meeting with eminem and having him guest star in one of my videos.  hee hee hee.  


but seriously, it's really shaping up great.  i'm really excited about this.  not about being up north in january, but all the indoor activities, and it sounds like there will be a ton of that.  unfortunately, my photographer cannot go so we will be relying on Mr. Nuttz' footage alone.  that makes me nervous because of problems getting footage in the past from other people, but i have no other choice.


las vegas shoots in the spring is coming up fast, then i hope to be going out there again in july for the bbw fanfest.  


i hope to take a personal trip, alone, to sedona, as well.  it's calling me.



12/2/2011 11:04:57 PM

my photographer received the first of the raw footage of the shoots i did with the pros visiting from NYC and detroit and i gotta say.....DAMN!!!!!  for a fat old broad, wow, these shoots are HOT HOT HOT!  we are really looking forward to getting them up to market :-)  


we were invited up north to shoot with them again, and i am going to take them up on it.  the only problem is, they want us to come in january, yes JANUARY....I DON'T DO COLD WEATHER!!!!!!!  hard limit!!!  atlantic city last winter, and more cold travel this winter?  i'm doing this all wrong!  


ok, so not only do i want my contract to state no brown M&Ms in the dressing room, but no cold weather travel too.  yeah.  my dressing room can only have white flowers, white furniture and white curtains.  i demand a brand new toilet seat installed in my private bathroom.  i'm copying this from another contract's rider:  organic cheese tray featuring cave-aged Gruyere, Swiss and sharp cheddar, along with organic berries, fresh – not canned – olives and Ferrero Rocher chocolates. i don't even like olives, but i want the olives anyway.  and i have no idea what Gruyere is but it sounds pretentious so i want it.  and a two hour massage is mandatory, daily.  and pedicures.  and manicures.  and hair and make up.  whaddya mean you don't supply any of that?  ok, how about passing me a bottled water?  whaddya mean it'll cost me a buck?  




also have plans to shoot in las vegas during spring break.  at least it won't be cold there!


i love my job...

but please, crank up that heat!  i'm nekkid, for pete's sake!


also seriously considering going back out to vegas in july for the bbw fanfest convention.  i know a few of the models signed up for it which would make it even more fun :-)


i am hoping that somewhere along the way, i'll meet up with someone who wants to make some good kinky, fetish bdsm material.  that will be the icing on the cake.


life is good...

11/30/2011 8:32:12 AM

i just wanna know who stole november, and can you please give it back ASAP?  i can't believe how fast this month went by.  not ready for december.  not ready at all!  
just had to get that out of my system, thank you.
well then!  had a another wonderful day in land o' lakes yesterday with my tantra mentor.  hair, massage, boutique, lunch over the water, great conversation, great friends, cool weather, low humidity...perfect!!!  i do so love our L-O-L days.  lots of LOLing in LOL.  
i went overboard (again) at our favorite boutique but it's all tax deductible, or so i keep saying to myself, and i do get great comments, new fans, new website memberships and video sales when i shoot in the boutique's clothes.  it's one of a kind stuff you won't find easily, and it's perfect for the work i do.
and no one, but NO ONE, cuts my hair as good as jules.  her boyfriend, i found out, gives one hell of a great massage.  90 minutes of bliss...except for the draining sinuses...a necessary evil, heh.  the clam chowder soup at uke's is to die for.  we couldn't even finish our lunch it was so thick and filling.  
and i shopped for furniture looks like as of january 1st i will be renting my very own studio for my work!!!  this will make more room in my home, and will make my home my HOME and not my home/workplace.  this is a big step for me and i am very excited about it :-)
but on the other hand, one thing that really keeps coming back into my brain are people like solviva in new england, to the farm of life in costa rica...people getting back to living off the land and living off the grid.  i've been thinking a lot about that lately.  i am not very materialistic - i drive an older car that is bought and paid for, i live simply, minimalistically.  most of my splurges revolve around my work.  i really think that if i had a way to keep in touch with my family and few very close friends, i could live a very simple life with minimal technology in a place like costa rica.  (anywhere cold is out of the question for me.)   i don't get bored.  i don't need a TV in the background for noise.  when i was in my early 20s, i didn't even have a TV and was fine without one.  i feel comfortable with complete silence.  i love to spend a lot of time just THINKING or just letting my mind go silent and hearing my cats outside or the birds by my window.  i like quiet. i like stillness.  i like going barefoot and feeling the earth beneath my feet instead of a $200 shoe.  my non-professional wardrobe mostly consists of 100% cotton shorts and tank tops and sandals.  and like the lady at the farm of life, i like being naked outside.  i tried eating 100% raw last year and managed to do so for 18 days.  i felt WONDERFUL while doing it, with very little cravings, amazing energy, and clarity of thought.  the only thing that made me go off it, was an emotional upset, and i went back to my pattern of eating comfort food for self-nurturing, self-love, self-comfort.  when you are single and have no one to comfort you, it's way too easy to turn to negative ways of giving much needed love to yourself.  many overweight people do that through comfort food, although it makes us hate ourselves afterward, and is a vicious cycle, when we've gained more weight.  but i've gotten better with that this year :-)  
part of borderline personality disorder is a black/white pattern of thinking.  you think like this:  i have to go ALL 100% raw vegan!  i have to go ALL 100% living in the costa rican rain forest!  i have to go ALL 100% natural with no technology or man made materials!!!  of course this thinking is totally black and white and can doom someone to failure.  and then when you do fail, you sink back into negative patterns of dealing with the failure.  you think, "i'm a failure...i can't do it - this is not for me."  and you give up and never go back to trying it again, and finding ways to avoid the failure. 
i liked the videos i saw of the farm of life in costa rica, because her living structure is all open air.  no walls, no windows, no doors.  i know i could do that.  i hate air conditioning and artificial heat and usually have all my windows and doors wide open.  there is much more she does, that i won't discuss here, and it is very controversial...but i am reading about it with an open mind and am very interested in learning more.  i am not sure how my back could handle the rough sleeping arrangements...would have to do some research into that.  but it's not an impossibility.
i have to say, i think i would miss my hair color!!!!  i love my hair color, and i love the fact that i can cover up the grey in my hair.  but that is vanity, pure vanity, nothing more.  other than that, i think i could do it.  but i sure would miss my jules haircuts!
and i would have to find someone with whom to barter massages!  
i think the only thing keeping me here, right now, are my children.  when they are all settled and don't need my help anymore, i am seriously thinking of doing this.  i don't know if my youngest will ever be in that position, with his schizophrenia, but i am hopeful for him and will help him all i can to be self-sustaining.  but for now i am going to learn all i can about living off the grid for someday in my future.  
i really believe that this world is heading for disaster.  whether it be another world war, or an economic crisis of massive proportions we have never seen yet, or toxic pollution of epidemic proportions, a worldwide nuclear disaster, the anti-christ, the tribulation......SOMETHING is going to happen sooner or later.  and i don't believe it is my life's path to fix that.  so, maybe i'm thinking like an ostrich with her head stuck in the sand, hiding, ignoring, living in blissful ignorance, but i really like the idea of living off the grid.  and from what i read, thousands of other people feel the same way, and some of them are actually DOING it!  whether it be building your own minimalistic cabin in the middle of the woods, to living self-sustaining in the middle of a rain forest, to stockpiling for the end of the world somewhere in the middle of nowhere in oregon, people are DOING it!  i find that inspiring.  and i can't stop thinking about it....

11/25/2011 6:12:38 AM

uploaded a few new shots from some shoots in september.  wish CM let us have more than 14 photos on our profile!


hope you enjoy.  



11/22/2011 8:01:58 PM

had great shoots sunday, and incredible shoots today.  can't wait to get the footage and post some photos.  days like today, i LOVE my job.


heading to the space coast for a bit tomorrow.  tampa on thanksgiving day.  these cross-state trips take a lot out of me, but worth every minute.


wishing everyone a happy thanksgiving.


i am thankful for family, friends, furballs (my cats) and the fact that the universe has always provided me a roof over my head, food in my belly and even some creature comforts. 

11/15/2011 7:30:42 AM

wow, didn't realize i haven't updated in a long time.  where does the time go?  


well, part of it went here:  i tried dipping my toes into the waters of a "relationship" and that didn't go very well.  so i have gone my separate way, and that is definitely for the best.  i was told by a mutual friend that he is badmouthing me, and i don't even care.  people who know me, KNOW ME and know i would not do such things.  i could tell people all the bad things he did, but why bother?  that would just perpetuate drama.  i could be bitter and angry, but i'm not.  i choose not to live in bitterness and anger, but positivity.  i could confront him, but what's the point?  my reputation is important to me, yes, but if people choose to believe a lie without asking my side, perhaps it's best they are not a part of my life anyway.  so, i spent this time reshaping my priorities and do believe i am back on track now.  being self employed and working on 100% commission, my priority is my work right now.  i let that slide while i was testing out the waters of "the relationship", and i learned a very valuable lesson.  Listen To Your Gut, and Don't Give Your All In The Beginning Of A "Relationship."  Cuz in the end, you'll be the one who pays for it.  Literally. 


i have been on here for almost seven years now.  many people have asked me if i had good luck on here.  well, i guess that depends on what you're looking for.  if i've had good luck finding Master Right, the answer would have to be, somewhat.  i have had some wonderful short-term relationships on here, a few semi-long-term, some that i will treasure forever.  i am still friends with most of them.  no, they didn't last, but each made me grow a little more and formed me into who i am today.  so, i have found some idiots on here, and i have found some wonderful people who mean the world to me.  case in point - tonight.


some people i have met have become life long friends.  maybe we didn't click on an M/s level, or a D/s level, or a masochist/sadist level, but that's ok.  somehow we foraged a friendship that has stood the test of time.  i met one such person on here and tonight he celebrates his 55th birthday, and he asked me to join him for dinner out at one of his favorite restaurants to celebrate it.  i don't know how you feel about birthdays, but birthdays are very, very important to me.  ask my kids.  they will tell you of the huge extravaganzas i had for their birthdays when they were little (and not so little).  so i am very excited, and very honored, that he asked me to join him for his birthday, when he could have asked anyone else.  i consider him one of those life long friends i have made through CM.  and there are several more from even earlier, on bondage and alt.  way back in the day when they were 100% free.  remember that?  i know, it's hard to believe, isn't it?  many of the people on CM were migrants from alt and bondage who, like me, were too cheap to pay for a membership.


just like any site, there will be jerks, weirdos, predators, users and dangerous people.  but if you are patient and winnow the chaff from the wheat, you will also find some rare gems.  


i am very fortunate to have those gems in my life.  and am so very grateful for them.


i don't know many of the new people on here and "the other site".  i don't get out and socialize in the dungeons like i used to.  nowadays i rarely come across a profile that i know and recognize on either site.  sometimes i am wistful because i miss the old days where we were like one great big incestuous family.  everybody really did know everybody else, or knew somebody who knew them.  but i realize things change, things move on, people come, people's a constant state of flux.  and i am very blessed to have my core group of friends who have remained constant all this time.  someday we'll be sitting together at the nursing home in our wheelchairs on the front porch, talking about the good old days, with matching nipple needle inserts slipped into our bras, self-torturing our saggy baggy breasts!  the caregivers will comment on that bruise on our butt - how it's shaped exactly like the reacher pole extender in the corner, "isn't that just weird?"  and we will just smile inwardly....   :-)

10/11/2011 10:22:20 PM

thanks to all who have written with support and beautiful stories of their loved ones.  i appreciate it.  each one means something.  each one touched me.  


life goes on.  whether we want it to or not.


canceled some shoots because of depression, made it to other shoots and had fun.  have a ton coming up.  will be gone for 25 days straight except for the occasional drive-by to check on my kitties.  i miss my furballs already.  



9/28/2011 8:03:22 PM

my family and i had to make some very important decisions regarding my mom's care.  we are trying to follow her very vague and ill-prepared living will as best we can, and some of the decisions have been argued over in depth among us.  these decisions will hasten her death, which is exactly what her living will states she would have wanted.  but i still feel guilt.


my sister, who is very ill, obviously has been thinking about all this as it applies to her, just as i have.  she sent us all her living will, and i was shocked when she named me health care surrogate.  she has detailed in depth exactly what she wants, which is a relief because it takes away the guesswork.  and i was honored that she considers me able to follow her wishes.  but it just hammered home the enormity of death.  they say there are only two absolutes.  death and taxes.  and you may be able to cheat the taxes part.  but certainly not death.


so now i wonder - who will be my health care surrogate?  who will make sure every one of my wishes is followed?  that is quite a burden to put on a friend, even a best friend.  but if my sister is gone, i don't feel comfortable asking any family member left.  and since i am the youngest, what if i am the last one left?  it's scary.  the last thing i want is to be existing like my mom is existing right now, if you can call it that.  


i used to be extremely pro-life.  but now i am starting to understand doctor-assisted suicide.  


no one really wants to think about things like this, but if you haven't, it's time.


what about you?  have you decided what you want if you are unable to speak for yourself?  have you written it down, and legalized it?  have you chosen someone to be your health care surrogate?


there was a young lady in the local bdsm community who is gone now.  so young.  but a blatant reminder not to take even one day for granted.  and be ready, just in case it's your last.

9/19/2011 10:51:25 AM

life is throwing me some curveballs right now.  expensive ones.  emotionally draining ones.  mentally challenging ones.  i am trying to keep myself on a spiritual plane to rise above the chaos.


all i can say is, 


i am blessed.


even throughout the midst of it all,


i am blessed.


the universe has given me wonderful, unconditional, giving, loving friends.  yes, i can be independent and self-sufficient.  and i am.  


but it also is wonderful to have friends who care so much and help so much and give so much.


i am so grateful for my true friends.  the ones who stick by through thick and thin.  the ones who call "just because" when i really know they're checking up on me.  the ones who will always take time out of a busy day to answer a question.  the ones who go out of their way to help me with something.  


it's one thing to be a friend when all is well.  it's another thing to be a friend when it's terribly inconvenient.  (all the times i've moved are testimony to that...)


and to make things really interesting, sometimes we get exactly what we need, when we need it.  i love it when that happens.


example:  out of the blue this week, i heard from one of the loves of my life, totally unexpectedly.  as i was sitting there stewing about one of my children, breaking down into tears, sobbing my heart out, he called.  mopping up the tears, clearing my throat, and putting on what i hoped was an academy award performance,  he asked me what was going on in my life and i told him about my loved one.  he happens to be in the same situation with a family member and was able to totally relate to me, and give me some much needed wisdom and advice.  it was perfect.  i mean, PERFECT.  so i was able to email my ex and share with him what i learned, and my ex agreed that this was the right thing to do.  it was a relief to both of us.  


the universe does stuff like that.  call it God, Higher Power, Allah, the Lord, Jesus, whatever.  there is a spiritual truth here somewhere and it transcends every religion.  coincidence?  divine providence?  i don't know.  but i am grateful for it.  


no, things are not always perfect, and i'll never figure out that mystery until i am on some other spiritual plane and have more enlightenment as to what this whole existence thing is really all about.  but it's comforting to know that even in the midst of chaos there is a small group of beloved, trusted, and adored friends who will always be there for me.  


i just hope i can always be there for them in return.


9/12/2011 3:22:04 PM

dammit.  whoever asked me what equipment my photographer uses, please msg me again.  i can't find who it was.  arrrgggghhhhhh!  i have your information.



9/7/2011 7:53:37 PM


what a day.  after a fitful night of nightmares and barely getting 4 hours sleep, i woke up to no water in my apartment.  i should have realized then it was going to be a doozy of a day.  but trying to be the optimist just went ahead with plan b, thinking things would soon iron out just fine.  


silly me!


after cleaning up two "presents" my cats left me in my living room, and of course not having water to wash my hands afterward (EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!) i drove 2 hours to brevard county feeling disgustingly dirty and scuzzy because it had now been over 24 hours since i've had a shower or washed my hair (double EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!)    


on the way, i was hungry and wolfed down breakfast.  but wendy's forgot to give me my iced tea, and i was too frazzled to notice.  you must know that iced tea is my favorite and most used food group.  mornings without iced tea can be treacherous.  


thank goodness i was able to take a shower at my kids' house finally, and of course was late for court because of it, because they live a good half hour away from the courthouse, and it's another half hour to get back that way.  


the only good news of the day was that the state's attorney's office dropped the case against my son.  the two most beautiful words in the world right now are "nolle prosequi."  all this could have been avoided if a certain policewoman would have baker acted my son instead of arrested him, which every single psychiatrist, psychologist, targeted case manager, psychological assessment clinician, and every other professional, including the jail's psychologist, said should have happened, but nooooooooooooooooo.....we have to be a hardass, don't we?  


six months of hell because of one person's lack of judgment.  but that's another story.


in the meantime, i had somehow lost my debit card.  this is the second debit card in as many weeks that i have lost now.  my local bank branch might as well make up temporary cards for me by the dozen at this point.  i will soon know the 800 number's person who puts a block on cards on a first name basis.  


to add insult to injury, i had to borrow gas money to get home.  very very uncool.  i have my pride.  


and my son is adamant about making a very critical life decision right now that will adversely affect him the rest of his life, but he is a legal adult and there is not one damn thing i can do about it anymore.  


and the final blow was when one of the great loves of my life canceled a date we had on my way out of town back home.


can this day get any worse?  i don't know, but there are 71 minutes left to it, so let's see what fun things are thrown my way.


if i last that long.  morpheus calls.....

9/6/2011 8:41:49 PM

When you came in the air went out.
And every shadow filled up with doubt.
I don’t know who you think you are,
But before the night is through,
I wanna do bad things with you.


I’m the kind to sit up in her room.
Heart sick an’ eyes filled up with gloom.
I don’t know what you’ve done to me,
But I know this much is true:
I wanna do bad things with you.


Bad Things - Jace Everett

8/29/2011 9:59:40 PM

today was a bad day.


i try to be positive. i try to avoid negativity. i flee from drama like the plague. but today was overwhelming.


today was my mom's birthday. my sister and i went to visit her. except, she didn't know we were there. she has been in the end stages of alzheimer's for an endless period of time. she is totally unresponsive. she is totally....gone. alive, but gone. and has been for years. this is a horrible, evil, hopeless, dignity-robbing disease. i hate it. i do not understand illness, pain, sickness, disease. oh, i know all the major religions' opinions on why we have illness, pain, sickness, disease. you bet your sweet ass i studied. but all in vain. it's all just plain old SHIT when it comes to seeing a loved one living it.

as i remember the last nine years of her course of this disease, i cannot find one positive thing to say about it. not one.


today we had to go to my dad's house. he passed away almost two years ago. i have not been able to step foot in that house until today. and i was almost physically assaulted by memories as we crossed the threshold. it literally took the breath out of me. but it was all memories. i sensed no presence there. he is gone. his spirit is not lingering. he is in the next realm. i am happy for him, because that's what he wanted and we all heard it for several years. i hope he is at peace. i hope he got his deepest wish, his most heartfelt longing when he passed.


and tomorrow will be another emotionally fraught day on the other side of the state.

i have no shoots coming up in the recent future. this is rare. so very very rare. that means this lily white skin can be bruised, welted, marked, abused, like a virgin canvas. something that has not been possible for a long, long time.


and so.......


i need to play.


i don't just want to play.


i need to play.


i need the blessed relief of rushing endorphins.


i need the blessed dark silence of subspace.


i need the blessed release of emotions that are kept tamped down below the surface before they bubble over in a not-too-pretty way.


i want scars.


i want pain.


i want to FEEL.


the only problem is, i am single. it has been ages since i played with a play partner i can trust, and who shares the same likes i have, and who "gets it." i am out of the loop. i don't recognize 99% of the local players anymore. our tight knit group of long ago yesteryear has grown, changed, evolved, moved forward - as it should be. i was the one who isolated myself. life goes on.


even in the alzheimer's ward, against the predictions of the best of the best the neuropsychiatric world has to offer.  life goes on.  whether we think it should, or not.  whether we want it to, or not.  


today was a bad day.


but life goes on.


8/18/2011 12:16:04 PM

my partner in crime is twisting my arm to get me to join her at club deluptous again tomorrow night.  i never would have thought i would have been excited to go to a vanilla bbw nightclub instead of getting flogged at a dungeon, but i always have such a great time there and am seriously tempted to going again tomorrow with her.  would love to see some new and old familiar faces there.  we're a fun group, you'd be welcomed with open arms. 


the 27th of august i will be shooting, but we are shutting down the shoots early (i know, that is so totally unlike us to do that - but this is an exception) so my photographer and i, and perhaps a few of my stunt cocks, will be heading to the love loft in orlando for their monthly BBC night.  my partner in crime will be there to welcome us, if she's not already "otherwise occupied" by the time we get there.  would love to see some of you out there too.  


no bdsm fun for me but my back has been so bad, i am not sure it could have taken it, anyway. 

8/13/2011 9:46:51 AM

had a really great weekend last week.  i slept like the dead when i finally made it back home. 


the bbw nightclub in orlando turned out to be a lot of fun.  a few of my SC friends turned out, and we danced and drank and danced and drank and danced some more and drank, and just had a blast.  i decided to go on photo duty and took a bunch of pictures of the merriment.  it was fun to be on the other side of the camera for a change, and capture all the fun for posterity's sake (or blackmail potential heh heh).  


after a few hours sleep we went shopping and i didn't find any treasures but it was still fun.  i think i was in people-watching mode all weekend, and i was more interested in the interactions of the families and couples and singles shopping than i was with anything on the racks or shelves. 


later that evening, we made the long drive up past daytona beach.  the party at the beach house in flagler beach was fun.  the house was absolutely amazing - four stories of breathtaking beauty right on the ocean.  even the roof was incredible, complete with an eight person hot tub.  the owner, a very nice gentleman, graciously offered his home for me to shoot in, any time i like.  i was so excited when he offered that.  and my photographer and i are anxious to take him up on that offer, as my photographer has already shot in his home.


i really didn't feel an attraction for anyone in particular but i did play a little bit...but not much.  i played more billiards than anything, which is always fun for me.  and i spent a lot of time in the nekkid hot tub, which felt wonderful on my back.  my only regret is that it wasn't a full moon - that would have been perfect.  i met a lot of interesting people there, too.  still, no major chemistry with anyone, but a lot of nice people.  i did discover i like chocolate raspberry, blueberry and cherry vodka!  and one guy was sharing his home made moonshine with maraschino cherries soaked in it with me.  surprisingly, none of it really affected me that much and thankfully i didn't have a hangover the next morning!


playa linda was absolutely beautiful sunday.  so picturesque.  i cannot wait to do a sunrise shoot there.  we got there early, before 8 a.m., (less than three hours sleep) and surprisingly, it wasn't very crowded at all.  even though i was in the shade 99% of the time i still got quite a bit of color.  it's gone now but the memories of that gorgeous day won't be.  i relived a bit of my youth and spent some time boogie boarding when the clouds were hiding the sun.  that was a lot of fun.  i forgot how strong that undertow is.  good exercise for the calves.


i dragged my tired ass home and slept for 12 hours straight.


this week was back to the grindstone, but my degenerative disk disease reared it's ugly head and is making that difficult, but i am plugging away.  luckily business was pretty darn good this week and i can ALMOST justify blowing off so much work last weekend!  i had to take off one day, though, and just lay on my recliner, as i wasn't able to move very well at all.


i wanted to get out this weekend - there are several good lifestyle parties i would have liked to attend - but my back is just not allowing it.  


but i do look forward to our next "girl's weekend out". 


it was a learning experience for me.  usually when i go to parties, i am off playing somewhere, and don't get to see what goes on at the parties.  but because i wasn't so busy playing at the beach house party that night, i was able to just sit back and observe.  it was quite interesting.  i wonder what an alien would have thought as he looked around the house, with barbaric and primitive lower animal acts being performed in practically every room in this four story home?  i don't think sodom, gomorrah, or rome at it's most decadent had anything on this party.


one observation struck me over and over again though.  i definitely have come to the conclusion that if you need to drink so much that you can barely stand up, and you bother the people around you with your behavior and you are completely oblivious to the fact that you are being an idiot, and your host has no choice but to rescind his invitation to you for any further parties, you may want to reconsider whether or not the lifestyle is really for you, or not.  you may want to dig within your psyche and find out why you have to make yourself completely inebriated before you engage in certain activities.  are you really doing this activities to enhance your own pleasure?  or are you doing them to please someone else and you really don't want to do them?  are you so uncomfortable with your own self that you have to get rip-roaring drunk to let yourself go?  in the end, the next morning, IF you can recall your behavior, is the shame enough to motivate you to change your behavior next time? 


why are you doing this?  what is your motivation? 


just basic questions.


i tend to always want to know the WHY of things.  why do people do this?  why do i do that?  that party left me wondering about a lot of WHYS.  not about myself.  i think i know myself pretty well to know the WHYS about me personally.  but about other people.  and i think that if we ask ourselves about the WHYS of other people, it can possibly shed some light on the WHYS of ourselves. 


or perhaps the WHY NOTs. 


but it is difficult for me to remain objective, purely objective, and not get judgmental.  i caught myself slipping into the judgmentalism quite a number of times, and i don't like that about myself.  i have to nudge myself back into objectivism. 


i have played when drinking, and i have played completely sober.   i do not think one is better than the other.  i know a lot of people absolutely forbid playing when drinking.  "it is dangerous."  yes, it can be.  no doubt about it.  but i think that adults need to be able to make their own decisions as to when enough is enough.  (that's definitely the libertarian coming out in me!)


and if they can't make that decision wisely, it is a warning that something is wrong. 


possibly very, very wrong.

8/5/2011 7:52:18 AM

the hermit is being dragged kicking and screaming out of her safe comfortable hole and off to spend a weekend blowing off work, by cavorting and carousing, seeing old friends, meeting new friends, shopping, a private kick-ass house party (or so i've been told numerous times that it's "K-I-C-K-ASS"), a bbw nightclub party, playa linda for nude beachtime (if emily cooperates), and who knows what else my partner-in-crime will FORCE me to do this weekend!  yes, FORCE me to do against my will!  no, i'm not smiling!  it's a grimace of extreme distress!  hah hah hah.  oh, that glass of wine in my hand?  ummm...i was FORCED to hold it for someone else!  yeah, that's the ticket.  


and i am NOT going to think about all the money i'm losing by taking this time off!  MONEY BE DAMNED!  (well, at least until it's time to pay the car insurance and cell phone bills on tuesday and buy that new tire and get them all balanced and rotated and get an oil change and a rear break job and two new CV joints next week....but that's NEXT WEEK, not THIS WEEKEND!  what did i say?  oh yeah, MONEY BE DAMNED!!!!  BE DAMNED, i say!)


it's been a long time since i've let off so much steam at one time in one long weekend of constant debauchery, but it's long overdue.  and wednesday was a great warm up so i'm up for the task. 


wishing everyone a wonderful weekend, whatever you choose to do.  there are soooo many things to do in this area bdsm-wise.  are we lucky or what?????  and hope emily doesn't interfere with your weekend plans, all you east coast beach people!


8/4/2011 6:04:33 AM

had a wonderful day yesterday of public and private play at someone's home afterward.  met some fantastic people and i hope our paths cross again.  soon.


seriously, folks, if you are free during the daytime and can get away on a wednesday, i highly recommend sir steffan's daytime parties.



8/2/2011 4:07:42 PM

manicure, pedicure, eyebrow wax, hair cut and color, and a few more things done today in the personal grooming department, heh heh heh...yup, i'm getting ready for sir steffan's daytime party tomorrow :-))))  all i am missing is a massage!  maybe some nice handsome strong man will give me one tomorrow after i am bruised and beaten and blissful.  one can only hope....


it's been a great day.  expensive, but all necessary evils.  i feel human again!


7/30/2011 5:58:42 AM

many years of happy memories at sir steffan's wednesday daytime parties. like FAMILY!  signed up to go to this wednesday's and next wednesday's. hope to see many old friends there & make new ones too

7/23/2011 8:42:25 AM

my fetcon roommies had to cancel.  am looking for drama-free and smoke-free roomies.  please contact me asap.





7/18/2011 6:08:53 PM

just had the most delightful conversation with a voice from the past. 


back around 10 or 11 years ago when i was married and living in the melbourne area, my ex would let me swing and see people in the bdsm life style.  he was vanilla.  he tried to understand and be a part of who i was, but it just wasn't wired up in him.


so i was on alt dot com and bondage dot com (don't even know if collarme was around then,  f**life wasn't) - that was in the day when they were totally free - and i met some really really great people.  one of them was a dominant from down by port st. lucie.


m was, and still is, different from any other man i have ever met.  dominance is not an act, is not roleplay, is not a game.  it's just who he is.  he is just wired up that way.  and just like me, he will not settle for a vanilla relationship because he knows this is who he is, and who he has to be, and to be happy, you must be true to yourself in this regard.


and i responded to his innate dominance from the very first moment i met him.  


i always felt safe, secure, protected, and oh so feminine and submissive when i was with him.


we had some great scenes.


he reminded me on the phone today of a scene i had long forgotten. 


i wanted to be truly overpowered, tied up and sexually dominated.  m was very athletic - he worked at a school and had access to a great gym and used it almost every day. 


he was one of the few people i've met who took a person at their word.  when i said i wanted to be overpowered, he did it.  he warned me i might get hurt.  he warned me it was dangerous.  he warned me that in order to truly overpower me, things may happen that i may not like.


he was practicing RACK before i had even ever heard it.  how long has RACK been around?  i don't know, but we were doing it.


and so he did my fantasy.  he overpowered me.  it was not pretty.  it was not pleasant.  it was not the fodder you read in the romance novels.  it was brutal.  it was rough and hard and painful and loud and primal and OH MY GAWD I WAS SO FUCKING TURNED ON.


there i was, tied up on the floor in his living room, having my pulsing, throbbing womanhood being pounded away by a primal masculine force of nature, when the front door was being pounded upon.  m got up, went to the door, looked outside, and opened the door.  there was a police man in the doorway asking what was going on?  neighbors had called to complain.  he came in and saw me flushed, bound, obviously in the middle of being soundly fucked, and asked me if i was OK.  i said, "Oh hell yeah!!" with a grin on my face.  m unbound me and i got up and put something over me, and the officer asked me questions and said i could walk out there with him right now and i wouldn't have to worry about a thing.  i knew what he meant...he was giving me a way to get out of the situation protected if m was truly abusing me.  i smiled and said, "no, you've done your job, you can leave now so we can continue!  have a good day, i know i am!" 


ahhh....good times....


i need to take a visit down to that area again soon....real soon....


as i was typing this, i was just reminded of another scene we did - involving needles and a blow torch...but that's another story!




7/17/2011 10:27:14 PM

made it home safe and sound from an excellent weekend of absolutely amazing shoots.  i am so excited with the content we got.  be watching for it on my websites.  i shot with some pretty incredible people.

i am exhausted, but in a very good way!  


7/15/2011 9:01:43 AM

it's official.  i'm going to fetcon. i'm waaaay at the bottom of the page.  nervous, excited, scared.  hoping this huge dog bite heals in time and the huge purple bruise fades. 


i'm serious when i say i'll be the one in the corner with the deer-in-headlights look.  if you go, please come join me in my corner, pet my forehead, and give me a hug.  i'll be needing them.  in case people think i am aloof in social situations, i'm not.  i'm actually very nervous in big social settings like that if i have never been to a certain venue before.  so please come say hi.  me luv you long long time.




7/13/2011 6:29:57 PM

good news/bad news day.


good news - my alter ego had five bookings today.


bad news - not gonna say - close friends can message me and ask if you really wanna know.  yeah, it's pretty bad.


good news - one booking brought me a bottle of ice wine as a gift.  never had it before and i love it.


(OK too tired to continue doing good news and bad news in different colors)


bad news - i got a big huge bite on the thigh by a dog this afternoon.  a big huge dog.  with big huge fangs.


good news - today a colleague gave me a beautiful 100% leather dress that FITS ME!!!!


bad news - i had to cancel the final two bookings after the dog bit me and lost a lot of money. 


good news - two of my new bookings gave me very positive feedback in follow up emails and say they will rebook me and recommend me.


bad news - i have shoots all this weekend and i have MAJOR bruising and MAJOR swelling in my thigh.  and i already paid a lot of money for the rental location.  non-refundable. 


good news - my business cards specially printed for fetishcon arrived today and i love them


bad news - i'm too old for all this activity in one day.  i HURT!


good news - i can take it easy tomorrow to recuperate.


bad news - i'm STILL bleeding from the dog bite, six hours later.


good news - after today, i can afford the uninsured medical bills if i do have to go get stitches. 


bad news - i sure as hell don't wanna spend money on stitches when there's gorgeous leather corsets i wanna buy for fetishcon!


good news - a number of years ago, i would only see the negative and not the positive in a day like today.  it's nice to know my tantra mentor's constant encouragement about positive thinking may be, just may be, helping. 


and this completes this episode of good news/bad news.

7/13/2011 7:01:00 AM

i remember back in seventh grade i had my first experience with public school.  it was so much different than sheltered, structured, rigid catholic school. 


my parents had given up everything and moved from chicago to florida to own a restaurant in a small little town called lutz back in the 1970s (which has exploded with subdivisions and strip malls over the years - the orange groves and cow pastures are loooong gone).  the recession started to hit, a new restaurant opened up a block away, and my parents' life savings was being drained away, month by month. 


no longer could they afford to send us to catholic school, so i went to my very first public school.  wow.  what an eye opener.  talk about social upheaval. 


plus this was the era of bussing.  we were bussed from rural lutz to downtown tampa.  i was now with cultures on a daily basis that i had never been in contact with before in my life. 


but that's all another story for another time.


today i was reminded of a girl, lorelei.  lorelei was only in seventh grade but she already exuded this intense sexual energy.  she would flirt with the cutest P.E. coach shamelessly and everybody knew he was doing his darndest not to encourage her.  but wow, she was a beauty.  i don't think the high school coaches in her future years would have stood a chance.  short, petite, olive skinned, deep brown eyes, long brunette hair down to her butt, hair kissed by the sun - natural highlights, not the fake kind you get at the beauty shop now.  she didn't have much in the chest department yet but her ass and her legs were to die for, with a flat tummy and the longest eyelashes.  she was so open and friendly and laughed all the time.  the boys flocked to her like molasses. 


i was in awe of her.


i had never seen such an exquisite example of femininity in someone my own age. 


and i was nothing like her. 


but i wished i was.


one day we were in the locker room changing into our monkey suits, the horrible one piece outfits they made us wear to P.E.  i hated it because i was already very tall for my age, very longwaisted, and they didn't make the monkey suits in tall sizes, so it was very uncomfortable for me as the monkey suit was designed for a short to average sized person.  and my mom was a die-hard sears and JCPenney shopper, probably because that was what she could afford with the restaurant slowly draining us dry of money (there was no wal-mart back then!), and i was always embarrassed by the stupid clothes she bought for me, which looked like what a buyer in her doting matron state would buy her great granddaughter.  everyone else around me wore "cool" clothes.  like shorts.  and jeans.  yeah, i was not allowed to wear shorts or jeans to school!  my mom was weird. 


and my underwear.  oh god, it was the ugliest underwear you could buy a girl.  white briefs that seemed to go up to my chest and were saggy in the butt.  the bras weren't much better.  uglier than cross-your-heart bras.  nothing dainty or feminine or sexy about it.  purely functional. 


lorelei was in a great mood, as usual, and was changing into her monkey suit.  there was the usual locker room chatter and gossiping.  but through all the din, you could hear lorelei say, clear as a bell, "ooooooohhhh I feel so GOOD today cuz (and here she broke out in a sing-song voice) I'M WEARING MY PRETTY NEW UNDERWEAR!!!!"  i looked over at her and sure enough, she was wearing a pretty new bra and bikini panty set and she looked so happy and totally in love with life.  i remember thinking, "wow, i never knew anyone got excited over new underwear."


i will never forget that.


it wasn't until years later that i embraced my own sexuality and discovered the delight of things sensual..........such as new underwear.  new, sexy underwear. 


i thought of that today because i stopped by a store yesterday to celebrate a wonderful windfall from that afternoon, made a few purchases, and now my alter ego is on the way out the door to work in st. pete all day and guess what?


(in a sing-song voice) "I'M WEARING MY PRETTY NEW UNDERWEAR!!!!"


life is good.



7/9/2011 9:25:43 PM

never thought an ex-suburban ex-4x-per-week-churchgoing housewife with a 4/2 riverfront pool home, 2.3 cars and 3.2 children (all legal adults now!!!) would ever relate to a rap song but...stranger things have happened.


Dead and Gone - T.I. feat. Justin Timberlake


No more stress, now I'm straight,
Now I get it, now I take
Time to think, before I make
Mistakes just for my family's sake
That part of me left yesterday
The heart of me is strong today
No regrets I'm blessed to say
The old me dead and gone away

I turn my head to the East
I don't see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the West
Still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the North
Swallow that pill that they call pride
That old me is dead and gone
But that new me will be alright cuz

Oh (eyyy)
I've been travellin' on this road too long (too long)
Just tryna find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone
And oh (eyyy)
I've been travellin' on this road too long (too long)
Just tryna find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone, dead and gone

7/1/2011 9:37:35 AM

i've been reading a lot of biographies and listening to the music of the very popular rap and hip hop players.  which is weird because i've never liked hip hop all that much and i never really heard a rap song i like.  but lately, a lot of the songs won't get out of my brain.


of course, anything with eminem sticks in my braincells, and his collaborations with dr. dre made me learn more about dre.  but the one song that keeps sticking in my brain from them is "call me a doctor" with skylar grey.  


all my life i've been this surburban white girl in the surburban white neighborhood, as white as white bread, then i was the suburban white mom in the suburban white neighborhood.  i was never a soccer mom but i sure was a little league mom complete with mini van. 


i never really knew or understood the cultures of others around me.  but as my work causes me to get more and more involved with other cultures, i find my interests are expanding and i realize what a confining bubble i've lived in for so many years.  a tiny, little enveloping bubble.  and my hard rock and metal music never came anywhere near the grittiness of reality living in the streets of compton.  or harlem.  or detroit.  while metallica sang of monsters under the bed or whiskey in a jar-o, rap was singing about dealing heroin and real life monsters gunning each other down.  quite a contrast from my whiter than white world.  only lately have people like nikki sixx in his heroin diaries showed us white folks what it could be like, but then again, nikki sixx was shooting up in his several million dollar mansion and not in an alley in the hood. 


i knew there was drama and gangs and betrayal and heartbreak and the glorification of crime in the gangsta rap genre but as i'm learning the stories behind the lyrics, it's like a real-life soap opera - except in a soap opera the character dies off and sometimes is brought back to life again or a twin appears or some other twist from the mind of a writer, or the actor just goes on to another soap. no, these people who died in the rap world are still dead.  no resurrection for them.


i've also read about eazy-e and ice t and ice cube and tupac and snoop dog and NWA and more who escape my mind right now, and the thought keeps coming back to this:  some of these guys made it out.  they climbed out of a life of poverty and crime and hatred by their music.  gotta love america for that opportunity.  or the smart eye of a mentor who saw potential in them and propelled them out of the street and into a recording studio. 


but others didn't make it out.  they were cut down before their time.  and they no longer have a chance.  


sure, rock 'n roll lost a lot of good people - hendrix, joplin, moon, bonham and many more...but that was from their own addictions.  their own choices. 


they didn't get murdered.  


this is not good reading material for me right now as i find myself coming off the end of a manic phase and slipping into a depressive phase.  so, from now on, no more biographies, no more fascinating rap songs with real-life soap opera drama, no more 3 a.m. ponderings over why fate allowed this one to make it while killing that one.  or why a millionaire can't find happiness except for that moment when a needle gets stuck in the vein. 


i'm going back to deuter, deep forest, sacred spirit, amethystium. delerium, et al. until this cycle of depression finishes.


well, maybe except for those times i just can't stop my fingertips from clicking on "i need a doctor" and "love the way you lie"!

6/28/2011 11:41:18 PM

insomnia takes my head to dark places.


and an obsession with eminem isn't helping.


Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk
I told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed, I'll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time. There won't be no next time
I apologize even though I know its lies
I'm tired of the games I just want you back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
Im'a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire
I'm just gonna

6/28/2011 8:14:31 AM

i have never seen a plus sized shibari model in a professional shoot.  until now.  it's about damn time.⊂=0&sl=5

6/23/2011 8:51:52 PM

my latest photo update (#207)  made staff picks today on southern-charms.  this is like five or six weeks in a row i've made staff picks.  it's very validating, to see my videos in the top 20 best selling of the day or week, consistently, and then make staff picks with every new update.  there are 775 girls on SC now, and i am just amazed that this fat, old frump is catching the eye of some editor wherever the heck they are.  and i really do have a blast when i shoot.  it's a lot of work, before, during and after, it really is, but it's all worth it. 


i'm going to fetish con this year.  i heard about the very first one years ago and just didn't see why i should go.  i was into S&M (sadomasochism), not fetishes.  and i felt that there were only the "Stand & Model" types of S&M people there.  but now, working in this industry, i realize i've been very stupid and judgmental for not going and building contacts all these years. 


i'm nervous about going, as i've never been before.  and i am going solo.  which is always terrifying for me.  but i remember when i went all the way to pennsylvania in 2005 to go to camp crucible, put on by the crucible in washington DC, and i had such a fantastic time, even though i went solo.  i just have to keep reminding myself about how powerful and positive that was, instead of going into a panic attack because i am in a huge place with hundreds of strangers, alone.  already my heart is racing and my head is pounding thinking about it.


but put me in a nudist colony with hundreds of strangers all walking around butt naked together, and i am totally comfortable with that.  go figure.


i need a few outfits for fetcon.  any suggestions of plus sized fetishwear online?





6/23/2011 3:18:33 PM

it's amazing what time will do as far as perspective. 


i've changed.  wow, have i changed.   i can say that for sure now.  and i am happy i am who i am now.


yet, i can't say that for others.


never believe a leopard can change his spots.  the predator will always come out when there is hope of making the kill.


and never underestimate the power of the libido - don't fool yourself by thinking you are keeping him on your chain because you spread your legs for doesn't matter how happy you think you are keeping your man at home - wanderers will wander, no matter what. 

6/16/2011 7:49:55 PM

very proud today - made southern-charms's staff picks four weeks in a row with today's update - my first bondage photo set to ever make staff picks for me :-)))


6/16/2011 7:43:36 PM

off to brevard county for quick visit with family at the crack o' dawn tomorrow.  must sleep....must sleep.....must sleep.....


wanna take a long-awaited detour on the way home but not sure where i'll end up yet ;-)

6/13/2011 4:14:11 AM

to any friend who may wonder if i've dropped off the face of the earth in the next few days:


i'll be housesitting in a place where my cell phones typically have no coverage.  if you need to reach me, best to email, instead of call :-)


6/11/2011 8:52:30 PM

yesterday my sister and i had to euthanize my mom's dog.  i've known her since she was an itty bitty little puppy 17 years ago.  i must say the vet performed it beautifully and so humanely, both for the dog and for the humans in the room.  i think the last time i cried so hard was when my father passed away.


then we visited mom in the alzheimer's facility.  coincidentally, my mom's dog also developed dementia and followed the same path of symptoms as my mom.


for the first time in years, my mom looked at me directly in the eye yesterday.  there was no hint of recognition (there hasn't been in years) whatsoever but she smiled just the teeniest bit of a smile, and held my gaze for a few moments.  then her eyes clouded over again, and that fleeting moment was gone.  poof.


it hit me so hard, so very very hard, the thought of, "oh mom, i would give anything if we could just spend one more day together where you KNEW me and could actually utter words again and we could actually TALK to each other again and you could understand somebody's words again and you could still walk, and we would take a walk around the lake again..."  all that flashed through my head during that brief moment.  it's so sad because that will never happen.


and today would have been my dad's birthday.  my sister and i would have run up to L o L to bring him his favorite dinner of barbequed pulled pork and corn on the cob and green beans, and he would have given half of the pork to the dog even though we would bring her her own pulled pork sandwich just because he knew she loved it so much...that's just the way he was.  he would have literally given you the shirt off his back if you needed it.  well, my mom would have insisted she launder it and iron it first...with starch.  


and then after we all finished our pulled pork he would say, "you guys ARE going to visit mom now, right?"  of course we were, but he needed to make sure mom would have two more pairs of eyes looking out for her at the facility, if only for a few hours.


it's been a rough few days but i gotta say, orgasm definitely helps beat depression.  i worked on niteflirt today (even though my eyes are swollen bad from all the crying but thank goodness for makeup, and not one customer made mention of it, bless their hearts) and almost outdid my previous record.  yes, that means a lot of orgasms.  my sink is full of toys that need to be cleaned.  the sheets will be changed as soon as i finish typing this.  the best part is i made enough green to keep my kitties happily ensconced in whiskas' best offerings for months to come.  and that's what matters, right?


but thanks to my line of work, i also definitely feel much better now vs. when i logged in to work earlier today.  just think....if they could bottle up the feeling of orgasm and put it in a pill.  i'd take that over cymbalta any day, that's for sure.


today must have been "national servicemen call a webcam line day" because the majority of guys who called me were in the service.  mostly army.  and i learned what a warrant officer is.   soldiers are usually so polite and so easy to please.  and some of them are really, really delightfully kinky. 


i love making a soldier's day.  especially the dominant ones ;-)  and most especially, the really, really, REALLY dominant ones :-)  one guy had me on a 94 minute call and let me tell the time we were done, i was ready to sing, "The Army Goes Rolling Along" from the rooftops.  wowzers.  this guy brought a whole new meaning to the term, "special forces units."


i hope to do it again tomorrow.  maybe i'll be lucky and it's actually "national servicemen call a webcam line weekend."


definitely gotta recharge the phone and the bluetooth first!


monday, tuesday and wednesday i have a special gig that i will enjoy doing very much.  will report on that when it's done.


wishing everyone a wonderful weekend.

6/10/2011 4:08:49 AM

someone at southern-charms likes me.  and that's fine with me.  my photo set #205 made staff picks yesterday.  it was a great storyline.  the video should be up live soon. 


today i am going with my sister to put my mom's dog down.  this is the end of an era.  it's going to be a very difficult day.



6/2/2011 10:31:07 PM

was told by my gal pal that my photo set #204, in vinyl mini dress and 6" vinyl boots made staff picks june 2.  yay!  definitely gotta wear vinyl more :-)

6/1/2011 3:15:50 AM

what have i done?


my gal pal and partner in crime thought it would be fun if we joined this site where we get booked for parties to do a lesbian show on each other.  i was all down for that!  i get paid to have fun with my bodacious bisexual babe?  sign me up!


but then somehow i got talked into this.


what was i thinking????


i have my first solo gig in land o lakes this saturday.  solo.  without my gal pal.  without my partner in crime.


i got my music.  i got my costume.  i got my 6" stripper boots.  i got my "driver" (aka bodyguard).  the only problem is, I CAN'T DANCE!  seriously.  i suck at dancing.  if i move my lower body, my upper body has to stay still.  if i move my arms or chest or shoulders or head, my brain would start to fry if i dare try to move my legs and feet.  i have two left feet and i'm clumsy and very uncoordinated. 


fifteen guys, the birthday boy, one wife, and a bbw stripper who can't dance.


this is gonna be veeerrrrrry interesting.


are you looking for your very own BBW phat azz stripper who can't dance?  book her now at


just, please, don't laugh.


i'm heading out to mardi gras lounge in st. pete friday, a bbw strip club, to get a crash course on bbw stripping.  wish me luck!  or better yet, join me there for some moral support!

5/31/2011 8:50:10 AM

amazing, simply amazing.


did you ever have someone say "no" to you, or at least, "not now" to you, in a way that was so beautiful and so affirming and so heartwarming and so positive, it made you cry from the sheer beauty of such touching words?


well i just did, for the first time in my life.


wow!  i never thought i would feel this good to be "rejected"  :-)))


and it just makes me respect him even more.


he should sell that talent of "tact with style" on here and would make a fortune in the process.


nicely done, very very nicely done. 

5/30/2011 11:08:50 PM

i was just emailing back and forth with someone and just had to quote myself.


"vanilla sex is like having chicken and dumplings, but there aren't any dumplings!"


yes, you can quote me but you must give me credit LOL!

5/30/2011 5:25:11 AM

Happy Memorial Day!


To all soldiers who served our country, THANK YOU.  To all who have fallen, may you have a special place in the afterworld for your sacrifice.



5/29/2011 9:08:17 PM

the love loft was fun.  i won't go into detail because i have mixed feelings about a few things that happened, but for the most part, i enjoyed myself.  one really nice treat was that a very generous man there was giving away free massages.  he was very very good.  it was different than a professional massage because it was in the middle of a living room where people were coming and going and starting up a conversation with me while i was on the table.  but i was still able to relax and enjoy his strokes on my muscles and the bones that hurt.  i felt so spoiled.  between the hot tub, the "activities" and the massage, my back was feeling very good.  almost pain free.  not quite, but almost.  the endorphins floating through my body due to the "activities" surely didn't hurt.  and yeah, some of the positions for those "activities" were the very same positions my chiropractor gave me for exercises many years ago.  go figure!


met a fascinating man who is a career navy man - i could tell you what he does, but then i'd have to kill you....heh heh.  he to put this politely?....a rose among the thorns!  we spent most of the night together and it was unforgettable.  i hope our paths cross again some day.


got home safely...was tempted to take a detour and stop in at the woodshed, but it was past 4 a.m.  finally fell asleep at 6 a.m.  had three hours of sleep and got up this morning to spend a wonderful day with my tantra mentor.  yes, i blew off work on niteflirt.  but i made more than enough a few days ago to justify it.  i sincerely want to thank all the horny bbw lovers out there who support us internet adult bbw entertainers.  thanks to you, i took my tantra mentor out to breakfast, and then we shopped at black market minerals in old town in kissimmee. had a blast.  we spent FOUR HOURS in there.  no joke. 


she bought three huge geodes and i bought several small things (actually stayed $30 under budget, yay!)  but there's a $127 amethyst geode i have my eye on.  it's calling me.  the energy was so strong, i put my hand in it, and my hand felt like it was going close to an oven.  i switched hands and got the same reaction.  i closed my eyes, and put one hand in, then the other, back and forth, and kept getting the heat.  so i know this one is for me.  also had fun with pendulum dowsing.  one pendulum kept giving me the same answers over and over again.  i didn't buy it though.  i am going to come back in about a month and if both the geode and the pendulum are still there, i know it's really meant to be.


we went next door to a new metaphysical shop but i didn't buy anything.  nothing really called to me.  i heard a reader do a reading for a gentleman, but didn't feel any connection with her, so i declined a reading. 


i really want to go to cassadaga soon to find a good reader.  anyone want to join me?


then we got back to her place.  she is a nudist so we were out of our clothes within thirty seconds of the door closing!  we took a delightful dip in her pool (totally privacy fenced, thank goodness), where i continued swimming lessons for her two sweet dogs, and sat in the hot tub for a while and just talked and talked and talked and talked.  after we were prunes, i headed home after multiple hugs and kisses from humans and doggies alike.


and had a delicious sub from subway - they got this new chicken/cranberry/raisin mix that is to die for!


and my cats are ignoring me because i was unfaithful to them by petting dogs.


so here it is, almost midnight, and i'm wide awake.  was offered the chance to go to cin city, a swing club in seffner, but i declined, because i thought i would be dead on only three hours of sleep.  and i did get tired and laid down for a nap when he called, but i couldn't fall asleep.  i should have just went to the club with him!


i thought he meant SIN city, a gentleman's nightclub, but i was wrong, it's CIN city, a swinger's club.  ooops.  if i'm going to go to a gentleman's club, it's going to be mardi gras, in st. pete, where it's all BBW ladies doing the shows.  YAY!!!!


i also recommend club deluptous for you bbw dance club enthusiasts, in orlando.  had fun there with a fellow partner in crime a few months ago.  started out slow but really got fun after 11 pm.


tomorrow i'm going to hit the webcam work hard.  looks like i'll be out of town most of the week so i gotta makez da moniez fore shore. 


if this manic phase of the bipolar continues, i'll be able to work 21 hours per day!  heh heh heh.


hope everyone is having a SAFE weekend.  friday, there were 9 cars pulled over by police on I-4 between auburndale and altamonte springs.  last night, seven between auburndale and SR429/  today i counted four between the same stretch.  be careful out there, local peeps. 


i've decided the next time i get into the manic phase of bipolar, i am going to hit the woodshed, lifestyle explorers, fetish circuit, and every other bdsm party that's having an event when i'm cycling high.  it's been far too long.  i think what is holding me back is that i am not the same person i was before.  i was a hardcore masochist, happiest when there was blood streaming from my ass from needles, tacks, singletails, ass cheeks totally covered in purple and red marks, not a flesh colored area to be seen.  ...and now my pain level is nowhere near where it used to be.  it's very very difficult for me to watch a good hardcore bdsm scene and know i may never be able to feel that beautiful, soul-scorching, pulsating, throbbing, enlivening, endorphin racing, delicious pain like that again.  i may be a masochist at heart, but i don't like to emotionally or mentally hurt myself like that.


5/28/2011 1:19:24 PM

my partner-in-crime and VERY bad influence, edenSC4, is dragging me kicking and screaming to the love loft in orlando tonight.  if anyone wants to meet up there, give me a holler.  i'll be the one sitting in the corner twiddling my thumbs ;-)


5/27/2011 4:59:58 PM

i have to give my photographer kudos.  he did one of the BEST photo shoots ever, after 14 months of working together.


scroll down to the bottom for the wet set with me in a bathtub wearing a white blouse and denim shorts.

5/24/2011 1:38:51 PM

I don't talk about it much because I tend to want to dwell on positive things and not give negative things power over me.  But lately my degenerative disk disease has really been acting up bad.  To the point where I am almost always in pain.  It never really goes away all the way.  It's always there, in every bend-and-twist movement, in every cough, in every attempt to get out of a chair, to remind me it's there. 


In fact, I've been having to spend more and more nights sleeping in my recliner instead of my very comfortable pillowtop bed that I absolutely love. 


My sister said, "You need to be realistic and admit the fact that YOU ARE DISABLED!!!"


I have not gotten to that point yet, and I hope I never will.


But...I've gotten to the point where I am going to hire a housecleaner, at her constant insistence. 


So I've gotten bids online and am going to have people come over and tell me if they want the job or not, after I've had a chance to see if they are good or not.  And, I have to find someone who is not intimidated by webcams all over and sex toys all over and a long shoe rack with three tiers of 6" stripper heels, and an industrial sized double clothesrack of stripper clothes in my bedroom.  


Easier said than done.  Especially in the biggest belt loop of the Bible Belt in Central Florida. 


But I digress.


So, what does the normal female do before someone comes over and cleans her house?


Come on, you know the answer to this.  Every female who has ever been in this situation knows the answer to this.


Yep, I started cleaning before the housecleaner came.  Why?  I don't know.  I think it's in our DNA.  It's shameful to us to have someone see something so intimate as the box of 12-pack chocolate snac-pac pudding in our garbage or the microwave that stinks of cooked salmon when you open it up. 


So there I was, picking up the clutter, moving heavy things, organizing this, rearranging that, and when I went to pick up the Sybian box and it's many attachments from the middle of my living room, I felt my back twinge.  


By the time I moved it to where it needed to be, the twinge turned into a bad spasm.  By the time I got to my recliner, the back was throbbing in pain.  I spent 15 minutes using the shiatsu cushion to try to get the muscle to stop spasming, and then added ice to the mix. 


To make a long story short, my back is out.  I'm not going anywhere today.  Maybe even tomorrow.  Was supposed to shoot with a friend coming from out of town this weekend and not even sure if I can do that.  I've turned down several social outings that I've really been looking forward to, and a much awaited trip to Cypress Cove nudist club in Kissimmee. 


Chronic pain and chronic disease sucks.  I am tired of it.  I'm waiting for the magic fairy to wave her magic wand and give me that 22 year old body again.  Before the disks started disintegrating.  Before it got to the point where it takes me a good minute to get out of my car.  Before getting in and out of a restaurant booth is a major undertaking.  Before getting up from a beach lounger chair close to the sand requires a crane.  It's not pretty.  It sure as hell is not glamorous. 


And it is daily life for me.


And I probably won't talk about it for another year. 


Because I hate to acknowledge it and I hate to admit when it's winning. 


But on days like today when I see my week's plans shot to hell, I have to give it it's 15 minutes of fame and just BITCH ABOUT IT.




I feel better now.


And let's not even get into the borderline personality disorder, the bipolar type II, the major depression recurrent and the anxiety disorder not otherwise specified.




5/22/2011 6:43:46 PM

i had to log into a very old email address to find something, and came across this story i wrote over ten years ago at the request of a dom with whom i fell deeply in love.  in fact, if he asked me to do anything, ANYTHING, to this day, i would do it in a heartbeat.  there have only been three people in my life who have inspired such deep feelings of love, slavehood, and submission.  he was one of them.  if you ever read this, i hope you know how thankful i am you are in my life.

it had been a long time.  far too long.  her skin was
literally crawling with the memory of a touch of a
whip, the sting of a cane, the smack of a crop.  it
was in her blood.  not just a whim or a diversion.  it
was part of her now.

he told her to meet at his place as usual, but there
was a twist this time.  instead of coming up, he told
her to wait in the lobby after she buzzed his unit.

all the way driving to his place she wondered what he
had in store.  why the change of method.  what devious
thing had he thought up this time?  she shivered even
though it was a warm sunny day.  she knew what his
mind could conjure up.  whatever it was, she knew she
would love it.  her thighs trembled and she could feel
moisture all ready beginning to form between her legs.

she pulled into his parking area and with a mixture of
trepidation and rampaging excitement, went to the
lobby and dialed his number.  his voice was like silk
as he answered, and told her he would be right down.

it only took him a few minutes to get down but it
seemed liked time dragged out ridiculously.  when he
finally got down to the lobby, she was surprised to
see him for the first time in jeans.  she had never
seen him so casual, only in work clothes - smartly
pressed slacks and crisp dress shirts.  she wanted
to ask him to turn around so she could see his
backside, but knew that would be impertinent.

as always, he drew her to him and held her tight with
a big hug, and as always, her chest was crushed to his
strong chest, and as always, she could feel her
nipples harden in response to the pressure.  it was
all ready beginning, this little dance of sexual
build-up he could effortlessly create in her.  she
snaked her arms around him and moved her hands up his
lean back to the nape of his neck, where she loved to
feel the soft baby curls of his hair, running her
fingers through it, and pressed herself into his
groin, feeling him through his jeans.

he let her go and took her by the hand, leading her to
his vehicle and she followed like a mindless idiot,
imagining where they were going, coming up with all
sorts of scenarios, and knowing the uncertainty of it
all was half the fun.

they were well on the road before she came out of her
fantasies and back to reality, and realized they were
heading north, towards titusville, where she had just
previously been that weekend on an afternoon hike.  it
was different up there...lots of pine trees, dunes,
hilly terrain, unlike the flat land where she lived.

there wasn't much talk but there didn't need to be.
the car was surging with sexual tension and energy
inside.  there was no need to talk because each knew
what was expected of the other, and how this day would
end.  she knew that she would give herself to his
dominance, body and soul.  and she knew that he would
take care of her gift of submission to him, but while
doing so, he knew just how to push her limits and give
her that pain which she craved, that pain which
eventually turned into pleasure, pleasure unlike
anyone in the vanilla world could ever comprehend.  it
was a wonderful balance and an exquisite symbiosis
that two such like-minded kink people could give to
each other.

they pulled into a driveway off route 405 by u.s. 1
into a little known primitive hiking sanctuary.  it
was rarely visited and during the weekdays it was
almost deserted except for the host manning the hiking
station.  the parking lot only held their car and the
host's car.

she glanced over at him while he was getting out of
the car, and noticed that little gleam he gets in his
eye when his mind is cooking up wonderful things to
do.  that caused a shimmer of hormones to race through her
body, giving it a little shudder.  suddenly it was
very warm outside.

they strolled to the hiking station, and she
half-listened to his pleasant banter with the host,
her eyes glued to his hands as he accepted the map
from the host, knowing what those long slender fingers
were capable of doing.  the host was going into a long
spiel of which insects were out today, and what
wildlife they could expect to encounter along the
trails, but she knew the only wildlife she was going
to encounter was what was discreetly tucked into those
jeans of his.

finally, the host ended her speech and after politely
thanking her, the couple headed off down the farthest
trail.  she realized without a doubt he intended to
take her down the magnolia trail, as it was the
farthest, and the only way to get to it was by the one
they were starting on.

as they hit the treeline, they had to walk single
file.  it was a very primitive hiking trail, barely
marked, and not enough room for side-by-side walking.
finally she got to see what she was wanting to see.
he of course took the lead and she had a perfect view
of his ass.

that kept her mind occupied for many long minutes
until they finally reached a place where the trail
widened into a pine needle-covered walkway big enough
for side by side walking.  he took her hand in his and
drew her to his side.  they walked together
contentedly in silence, smelling the trees, the
spores, the dirt, the sand, the leaves, the animals.
her senses became more alive in the quiet of the
forest.  no cars could be heard.  birds were off in
the distance and there wasn't even a humming of
insects.  all she could hear was his breathing next to
her.  it was all-encompassing and drew her focus
totally on him.

they walked for a long time, the sun sometimes
overhead, but usually a canopy of trees covering the
trail, keeping them in shadow, which contributed to
the illusion that they were all alone.

eventually they emerged at a trail crossroads, and
indeed he did pick the magnolia trail.  she realized
they must have been walking for at least a half hour
now, in silence, just enjoying each other's company,
and she certainly enjoying the view when the trail
narrowed and she had to walk behind him again.

by the time they reached the farthest end of the
magnolia trail, there was a slight sheen of
perspiration on her, and she didn't know if it was
from heat and exertion, or from anticipation.

they were alone.  they both knew it.  for a long time
now they both had been listening for signs of other
hikers.  there were none.  no voices, no tell-tale
rustling of leaves on the trail.

there was a little-used side trail off to the right
and she knew he intended to use it.  just as she
thought he was reaching out his hand to pull her down
it, instead, she found herself pulled down to a wooden
bench she didn't even notice was there.  they sat side
by side on the bench and he pulled her into his chest.
she could hear his heart beating strong and regular
under his t-shirt, and moved herself closer to him,
her thighs pressing into his muscular thighs.  his
arms slipped around her and she closed her eyes to
just experience it.  the silence was beautiful.  the
sun peaking through the leaves overhead caused little
pinpricks of heat on her skin.  his breath was making
her ear tickle.  and little by little, his hand wound
around her to her front, and up her shirt, and under
her bra.

she had an involuntary intake of breath as his fingers
reached her nipple and pinched it softly at first,
then more and more intensely.  she immediately felt
the wetness between her legs as he continued to pull
and pinch her nipple.  she felt her lower lips start
to pulsate with desire.

his hands must have known what they were causing in
her, as they followed a trail down her front.  he
eased one hand into her loose-fitting shorts and
easily found her.  she wasn't embarrassed by the
wetness there; to her it was a unspoken testimony of
what he could bring out in her.

his fingers played with her, slowly rubbing her little
nub, and easily gliding into her, in and out, in and
out, back and forth, then returning to the nub.  she
started to moan, and her hips started rocking up
against the finger as it entered her, wanting more.
she was so wet and so wanting to be fucked by him.
she wondered if he knew just how much she wanted him
in her.  but she knew it was his timetable, not hers,
and she would have to wait.  that made it all the more

just when she thought she would moan so loud and beg
him to fuck her, he drew her up by the hand.  she
hadn't even noticed he had rose up all ready, so
engrossed was she in the sensations he was causing
within her.

she eagerly took his hand, wanting nothing more than
to follow him down whatever path he took her,
figuratively and literally, as long as he would ease
this inside her and bring her to completion.

as they walked she was mindful of the dripping wetness
between her legs, the constant tingling of her sex as
she followed him down the almost invisible primitive
path.  and if almost by design, they were led out into
a small clearing.  on the ground was a natural blanket
of oak leaves.  all around were tall palmettos, which
would shield them from view oy kept
close to the ground.

finally, after what seemed like hours, she heard his
voice again.  "take off your clothes, and lay on the
ground on your stomach, with your legs spread and your
arms spread.  i will be back in a minute."

she nodded her understanding and wanted very much to
look into his deep brown eyes for assurance before he
left, but that wasn't permitted.  she kept her eyes on
the ground and waiting until she heard his footsteps
leave the clearing.

she silently got undressed, folding her clothes as she
went along, leaving them in a little pile at the edge
of the clearing, glad she had put her hair up today as
the thought of brushing out oak leaves wasn't very
appealing, and laid down on the natural carpet, and
did as he had instructed.

she spread her legs out, and spread her arms out.
this was so exciting and the waiting was a torture in
itself and she felt herself getting even more wet.
the leaves were raspy on her nipples and the sun was
making spotted contact with her backside.  she knew
she was completely vulnerable out here, and that
anyone could come along and have instant view and
access of the most private parts of her.

she heard footsteps and for a second there was fear
that it wasn't him, but knew better than to look, for
that was forbidden.  but when she felt someone
kneeling down next to her, and felt strong hands start
massaging her neck and shoulders, she knew from past
touch that without a doubt it was him.

it was heaven, being out in the garden again, having
one on one contact with a man, all alone in creation,
as the strong fingers and hands worked their way all
over her body.  she was completely and utterly relaxed
when she heard the first sound of hammering.

she opened one eye and looked towards the source of
the hammering.  there he was, pounding a small stake
of a long strong oak tree limb into the ground with a
big rock.  he did it three more times and as she
realized that each stake was directly next to an
extremity of hers, she started to shiver.

from his pockets were pulled four lengths of soft
cotton rope.  she hadn't noticed them in his front
pockets.  they were a small enough width to go
undetected in somewhat baggy jeans.

she quickly found herself staked out spreadeagle in
the middle of the wilderness.  and she felt completely
helpless and completely vulnerable and completely
without volition... and completely alive.

she heard his clothes being shed behind her, and dared
not to look though she could imagine what his body
looked like.  she remembered his long strong legs, his
lean waist, his perfectly shaped butt, his wide
shoulders.  he must look splendid in this wild
setting, she thought to herself, and smiled.

the smile quickly disappeared when a strong sting was
felt on her butt.  she jumped as much as she could in
her bonds, and her eyes opened wide.  she turned her
head to see what caused that sting.  there in his
hands was a hand-made branch switch.  that must have
been where he went just now, she thought.

he knelt down beside her, and ran his hands over her
back.  his silky voice said, "that was to get your
attention."  she grinned, thinking, "as if you didn't
have it all ready???"  he continued, "we are going to
do something new today.  this is a switch.  it feels
different from the whip  and the cane and the crop,
doesn't it?"  she nodded.  "i am going to use this all
over your body.  i will mark you.  you know that,
don't you?"  again she nodded, as the wetness between
her legs increased more than she thought possible.  "i
am going to take you past your limits.  you will
scream but no one will hear you.  you can cry and you
can yell but today i am going to push your limits.  do
you understand?"  she nodded, knowing full well what
he was telling her, and knowing that this was her
chance to back out before it all started.  but she
didn't want to back out.

it was always a thrill to wonder how far someone would
take her.  who could last the longest.  it was
sometimes a test of wills.  she never wanted to call
out her safe word.  she always wanted to take whatever
pain a dominant could give to her.  to her, it was a
matter of her honor.  and it shamed her to have to
call out her safeword.  but she was very happy,
because when it came to flogging, she could pretty
much take anything.  she had taken welts, broken skin,
even bleeding, cutting strokes with bruising and scabs
that lasted for days.  and she felt she could take this
too.  for him.  she wanted him to be proud of
her.  she wanted to please him.

she felt his body move up to standing position, and
realized he must have found a long one to be able to
stand and still be able to reach her on the ground
with it.  she closed her eyes tightly, waiting for the
inevitable first stroke.

it came shortly, quickly, smartly right on the middle
of her butt.  it stung and it smarted.  she clamped
her mouth shut and took it, registering in her mind
that it would get worse but that she could handle it.
she would do this.  she would not fail this.

the blows came at a regular rate, and each one was a
little bit stronger in intensity.  she tried to keep
quiet but every once in a while the stinging was too
intense to keep silent and a cry would escape her
throat.  he would hesitate, and she silently begged
him, "no, don't stop, please don't stop...."

and he must have understood those silent pleas because
the blows kept coming.  she knew she must have started
to redden and swell because she could feel with
blinding intensity when a blow would strike over a
previously marked spot.

it was excruciating, it was unbearable.  yet it was what
she craved.  it was heaven.

and then, as she was pushed past her limit, she felt
the blackness coming.  she reached for the blackness
and there it was, slowly descending on her.  she had
never reached this blackness with him yet, and she
felt a surge of joy inside her as she reached it for
the first time with him....subspace.

the darkness finally reached her and swirled around
her, and she felt herself slipping away.  the sound of
the switch could no longer be heard.  the sound of his
feet crunching on the oak leaves as he repositioned
his body over her were no longer audible.  the pain
was no longer felt...just a small pressure as when
someone pushes you lightly on your skin with the pad
of their thumb.  the strokes were probably more
intense than ever but she couldn't feel them anymore.

she was flying.  her body was flying.  her mind was in
another dimension, another reality, another altered
state.  and it was indescribable.  there was no
feeling, no sound, just the flying.  and peace.

how long she was there, she didn't know.  but slowly,
her mind registered on the fact that she was no longer
in the tethers and she was sitting on the ground,
leaning into his strength, and he was holding her
tightly.  her body was shaking and shivering, and
every once in a while a particularly heavy shudder
would reverberate through her.  she was coming down to
reality, the subspace was leaving her, and he was
giving her such beautiful after-care.

when she finally reached back down to total reality,
she wanted to look him in the eyes and thank him but
wasn't sure if it was permitted yet.  but she didn't
have to contemplate that long, because when he saw
then that she was in full control of her body again,
he raised to his knees and his cock was right in front
of her face.

she wanted so much to take it into her mouth and
stroke it with her lips and her tongue, and gently
scrape it with her teeth.  "not yet," he breathed.
"not yet."  instead, he rubbed himself all around her
face, on her neck.  it was all she could do to not
take him into her mouth.  it was torture.  mad, slow
torture.  he kept rubbing himself on her mouth, her
cheeks, her neck.  he must has sensed her frustration
because he finally said, "open your mouth."

she did so with a sob of relief and went hungrily to
his cock, taking it into her mouth with a voracious
swallow, and then realized her haste, and pulled it
out, and started to slowly lick it.  around and around
and around she used her tongue to lick his head, his
length, his base.  up and down the length of it she
licked him thoroughly.

then she took it into her mouth and began to pump it
with her mouth, moving up and down its length in a
regular rhythm.  she put her hands around him on both
flanks and squeezed them, and heard his moans up above
as she continued to thrust him into her mouth over and
over again, and at each release of him, to graze her
tongue or teeth over his length.  her hand went up his
chest and she smiled inside as she could feel his
steady heart now racing.

how long she sucked and licked and enveloped his cock
with her warm wet mouth, she didn't know, but she was
mindless of time as she sought to give him utmost
pleasure.  he was getting harder and harder and was
rock hard.  her thoughts went to what that rock
hardness feels like inside her.  she realized she was
wet with wanting him inside her, thrusting into her
warm wet juices just as he was thrusting into her
mouth.  it was so bittersweet, to feel him filling her
mouth and hitting her throat, and not to feel this
inside her.

finally he pulled her by the hair and moved her mouth
from his cock.  turning her around with his hands, he
positioned her on her hands and knees.  she almost
wept with relief when she felt his hands opening her
knees.  his fingers touched her clit and her back
sagged as the little nub leaped to life and throbbed
under his touch.

easily, so easily, he slid half of his long cock into
her and she finally did let out a cry as she was
filled by the width of it.  she could feel the
pressure of it on her inner and outer lips and the
muscles inside contracted around him to better feel
his length.  he slid himself out and she wanted to beg
him to put it back in her.

without any warning he came at her hard from behind
and slammed his full length into her.  she almost
pitched from the force, almost went headfirst into the
leaves in front of her but locked her arms straight
and took the full force of it.  in and out he slammed
himself into her, and with each thrust she pistoned
her hips back toward him wanting to get every
delicious inch of that cock inside her.

he reached down between her legs and started playing
with her again and she wanted to cum so bad, to feel
that massive strength in her being held firm by her
contractions as she reached a strong, overpowering
orgasm.  but he wasn't ready yet.

he moved his fingers from her and reached up to her
nipples and pinched them and she cried out with
pain/pleasure.  he was bent over her, pinching her,
and she could feel his chest hairs tickling her back,
his breath stirring the wet hairs on the back of her

his fingers went down again to her clit and rubbed and
she was almost on the brink.  she felt that she could
cum any minute if this double stimulation of his cock
inside her and his fingers on her clit would continue.

but once again he moved away, and even drew his cock
out of her.  she almost cried out with frustration,
wanting so much to feel him in her more.  she hated
when he pulled out of her, and stopped that wonderful
onslaught of her.

he ordered her to lie on her back, and she did so
quickly.  he positioned himself over her head, so that
his balls were over her mouth.  "touch yourself", he
commanded her.  even though it was embarrassing to
her, years of long-ago indoctrination still engulfed
in her, she complied anyway, and touched herself, as
she felt him above her start to work his hand over his
cock.  he lowered himself down on her face and she
greedily licked his balls and gently took one and then
the other into her mouth, sucking them, licking them,
putting pressure on them as she closed her mouth
around them.

she kept touching herself, playing with her clit, and
felt his balls pulsating, and felt the pressure above
her as he continued to work at his cock.  and then
before she knew what was happening she felt the first
tingles of pleasure come through her.  her back arched
towards her fingers as she gently rubbed the nub back
and forth, so slick with her juices, and a low moan
started in the back of her throat, causing vibrations
on his balls inside her mouth.  she felt every muscle
in her body tense as the first strong wave of orgasm
went through her.  she cried out, causing a huge
vibration on his balls, and she felt a surge on her
fingers as a gush of fluid expelled from her
contracting muscles.  her whole tensed body gradually
went limp, her back slowing reaching back to the
ground.  she realized that he was pinching one of her
nipples again and wondered if that was what brought
her over the edge.

and then she remembered he was above her still working
himself and used her mouth to lick and suck with all
of her being.  she reached behind him and squeezed his
butt and felt his buttocks contract with the first
groan out of his mouth.  he gave a wonderful cry of
release and she immediately felt his fluid hit her
belly in pulses.  it was so beautiful to have her body
receive his cum, and she loved the warmth of it on her
body, no matter where he chose to give it to her.

slowly she felt him lie down next to her and she
reached over to feel his heart.  it was slowly
regaining its rhythm and she felt it go from racing to
normal.  how peaceful it was just to lie there,
happily spent, the rough oak leaves scratching her
marks, her thighs wet with their juices.  she reached
over to his cock and felt flaccid but yet
still long and pulsing.  she rolled over on his chest
and looked at his face.  his eyes were closed and the
lids were fluttering gently.  she leaned down and
kissed his lips and he smiled in his half-sleep.

she rolled over to her back again and just enjoyed the
moment.  it was a perfect day.  and she knew that if
they ever came back, it would be even more perfect.

back in the car, on the way back home, she wondered if
the hostess at the hiking center ever realized what
they did, and if they ever got all the tell-tale oak
leaves out of their hair...

for over a week, she stopped in front of every mirror
and looked at the souvenirs on her ass.  the scabs
turned into scars. and when the scars finally faded, she
felt a tremendous loss. but her love for him never faded.

next time, the story of a little surprise in his glovebox
while driving down 528 late at night...

5/21/2011 5:52:44 AM

To the guys who whine and complain that no one answers their emails.


1.  Do you have a photo on here?  Is it a good photo?  Does it show you in a good way?  Don't make excuses for not having a photo, or for not having a GOOD photo.  Today's cell phones can help.  Make sure the photo is well lit, and shows your good qualities.  Watch your poses, your clothing, your backgrounds.   All of these can make you look better, or worse.   Are you well groomed?  Is your hair combed?  Is your beard trimmed?   Are your clothes clean?  Posting a bad photo on here sends out the signal that maybe you are sloppy or have no attention to detail.  Take the time and effort to get a GOOD photo of yourself.  Or scan a good RECENT photo of yourself (use the library's if you don't have a scanner) and email it to yourself (key word - RECENT).  We don't like meeting someone for the first time only to find out their photo was 20 years (and 60 lbs.) ago.   That is misleading.   And when was the last time you weighed yourself?  I've met people who said they were one weight, but their scales were seriously broken, or they just didn't realize they gained 40 lb in a few years, or they out and out LIED.  Go to Publix and get on their scale (usually in the front of the store or by the pharmacy).  You may be in for a shock.  Yeah, those pounds crept on, but keep it real, ok?  As far as the whole not putting a photo of yourself on here, I can understand the need for privacy with family and work and friends.  But I personally will not go any further than one or two emails if someone won't send me their photo.  If you can't trust me enough to send a photo of yourself, there's no point in going any further.  I don't care how wonderful you say you are.  I don't care how compatible our LIKES and DISLIKES lists are.  I don't care how well hung you are.  I don't care if you are richer than sin.  If I am not attracted to your eyes, your face, your chest, your ass, your thighs, your body, it just ain't gonna work!  And no, I'm not shallow, but physical appearance IS important to me.  How well you take care of yourself is a direct reflection on how well you would take care of ME.  And there are some body types I just am not attracted to.  It's just the way we are wired up.  It's not your fault, and I can't help it, but it just is what it is.  Accept it, and move on.  I know a lot of guys aren't attracted to my body type or the fact that I am too undisciplined to lose weight.  I understand that, and I would hope guys at this point can understand we are all attracted to different types of people.  I am attracted to men with self-discipline because that is a trait I lack in myself, and I admire in other people.  OK, 'nuf said about that.  But I have to tell you, some of the photos people put on here are horrible.  Or pretty weird.  Or even downright scary.  Look at your photos as if you are someone brand new who has never seen your photo before.  Yes, you've seen it millions of times and it looks perfectly normal to you.  But step back, get outside of yourself, and try to see it through our eyes.  Are YOU attracted to YOUR photo?  No?  Well, chances are, neither are we.


2.  Do you have a well written profile?  Free of typos?  Well thought out?  Do you include humor and intelligence in it?  Humor and intelligence are big turn-ons to women.  A profile with a few meaningless sentences doesn't give us enough information to decide whether or not we want to know more.  So, don't be too vague.  But, there's no reason to write a book, either.  Tell us what you like to do outside the bedroom.  Inside the bedroom (no need to get too graphic).  What got you into BDSM?  How long have you been in it?  What are you looking for?  Are you here for just sex?  A kinky slut?  A slave?  A submissive?  A long term relationship?  What is your outlook on life?  Throw in a wry remark or two, just to keep us on our toes.  Give us something to INTEREST us and even better, something that INTRIGUES us!  Do you have a hard time writing?  Ask a friend to help.  And use that part of the profile that allows you to list all the things that interest you.  From BDSM activities to religion to politics to hobbies and much more are covered in the list.  Come on, take some time and check off those boxes.  An incomplete profile makes us wonder are you just too lazy to click on some boxes, or what?  Some people don't even put their location.  I personally do not do long distance relationships.  If I can't see that you are nearby, I lose interest very quickly.


3.  Do you come across as needy, whiny, or negative?  Most of us are attracted to self-reliant people, who are confident and who project a positive attitude.  I don't want a child.  I want a MAN!  To be honest, lonely men do not attract me.  I want you to be happy in your own life, happy with yourself, and comfortable being alone with yourself, before you bring me into the equation.  And there are many "Oh, woe is me" profiles on here.  I don't want to be around someone who drags me down.  I want to be around people who INSPIRE me with their happy, robust life!  I want to come along for the ride on a thrilling life.  I do not want to be in charge of entertaining someone or boosting their ego or making them feel less depressed or alleviate their loneliness or boredom!  So, have a life!  Don't have one?  Instead of sitting on the computer all day whining and complaining about your life, go out there and GET one!  It will make you more attractive to us, trust me.   And this brings up another issue:  If I see a person on here for hours at a time, I have to wonder why he chooses to sit in front of a computer screen all day instead of being out enjoying life.  Oh, when I first got online about 13 years ago, I was addicted to chat rooms, trust me.  But then I realized how much of real life I was missing out on.  I regret those many hours and days and weeks and months and years I lost.   Yes, you may find your perfect mate in that chatroom, or you may find them out taking a walk or at your local munch!


4.  When you email someone for the first time, a short introductory email is nice.  A one line "hi how r u" is not going to get my attention.  An email like that suggests to me that you don't know who you are or what you're looking for.  Yes, you are being polite by asking how I am, but some kind of personal information about yourself and what you're looking for is expected here.   I wonder if you are too lazy to type all that, with your abbreviated textspeak.  And, on the other hand, a long book about what you are looking for and your life's history is not needed, either.  I believe it's best to put everything out in the open asap to see if there's compatibility, but seriously, paragraphs and paragraphs and paragraphs of detailed information is not a good introductory email.  And cutting and pasting a form letter is very bad etiquette, in my opinion, even with your thinly disguised attempts to personalize it.  That just makes me feel like I'm an assembly line piece of meat that you really aren't personally interested in, but are throwing me a bone anyway just to see if I'll bite.


5.  Are you doing something that we would consider immoral?  For example, I know women who will not answer a man if he is cheating on his spouse.  I am not going to judge you for your life's decisions, but some women do not want to be someone's "dirty little secret."  Just move on, and find someone more compatible.


6.  Does your profile and your interests reflect something that turns us off?  If you are into something as a LIVES FOR, LOVES or LIKES and we absolutely positively cannot stand the thought of such an activity, we may feel we are not compatible with you.  If you are into light bondage and feathers, don't expect a masochist to have much interest.


7.  Did you actually READ our profiles?  Did you take some time to READ a few of our blog entries?  You did?  Then why did you start off your communication with me by asking something that is obviously answered in my profile?  Don't use the excuse, "Oh, yes I did read that, but I just thought I'd ask you anyway to make conversation..."  Sorry, that's not gonna fly.  Own up to the fact that you were too lazy, or not detail-oriented enough, or just plain not interested enough in my profile to read the whole thing. 


And since we're going down this road: 


The question is asked of me repeatedly, "Why don't people answer me back?"  The answer is usually simple.  At one time, we tried to be nice and answer you back even though we were not interested, and all we got from our politeness is a huge headache by a guy who was too immature or too down upon himself to take rejection like a man, and he made our life miserable.  So, rather than go down that road again, most women just ignore the email.  I answer every single email I get, because I believe in The Golden Rule, but trust me, I have regretted it at times.  If a woman says, "I'm not interested," take it at that, and leave her alone!  Be a MAN, not a whiny boy!  But because so many of us have been given hell for being honest, you probably won't even get a response.



And so, my dear, I hope that sheds some light on your questions of why we do the things we do when it comes to CollarMe email!


It gets disheartening on here.  I clearly put in my profile that I don't do long distance.  I clearly put in here that I don't answer friend requests unless I really know a person in real life.  I clearly put in my profile what my likes and dislikes are, and what my goals in a relationship are.  Yet everyday I get emails from people many states, and countries, far far away, or friend requests from people I don't know, or people who are involved with someone who wouldn't know about me, or some other incompatible factor, and it bothers me that I have to take the time to answer their email, when they could not take the time to read about me.  You guys have no idea how much email we females receive.  I've said it before and I'll say it again....Your email and your profile is so important, because you have a very limited window of opportunity to get our interest - there are a dozen or more other emails besides yours waiting to be answered. 




And sorry, but 99.9% of the time, a cock pic just ain't gonna do it. 

5/16/2011 9:25:51 PM

i napped most of the day today.  my body feels like it's been run over by a freight train.  porn is truly best for a younger person's body.


so i listened to my body and rested today, but tomorrow it's back in the saddle.  no rest for the wicked...except the day after a long week of planning and a long weekend's shoots.


going to the space coast tomorrow evening for a few days.  drinks, anyone?

5/15/2011 4:39:31 AM

this weekend's shoots are proving to be challenging.  so many problems with this rental house.  the roof leaks, we have pans all over the master bedroom's floor (of course it raining a lot this weekend).  the AC went out and we were shooting yesterday in 90+ degree conditions.  there are no ceiling fans, or any fans for that matter.  the landlord said someone would be there yesterday asap.  that never happened.  my photographer is bringing box fans today, thank goodness.  the owner told me there would be wifi here but there's not.  so checking email and such is very inconvenient.  the master bathroom's shower never gets hot.  there are no screens on the windows so we got tons of mosquitoes in here.  either keep the house closed up like a sauna, or open the windows for a cross breeze and get eaten by mosquitoes.  what a choice!  one of the people i was supposed to shoot with showed up and he had misrepresented himself and didn't look like his photo.  he was a nice man but i declined to shoot with him because it bothered me that he didn't send a photo that truly looked like him.  i'm a stickler when it comes to things like that. and finally, two of my regular stunt cocks weren't able to make it because of work and family situations.


otherwise, the shoots are going well.  i haven't gotten as much content as i would have liked because we've been dealing with these obstacles.  hopefully today will go better with a fan blowing on us.


i'm going to forego my solo shoots tonight, leave after the last M/F shoot, and come home early and probably sleep all day tomorrow.


you know you're exhausted when an extremely handsome, funny, intelligent, witty, conversant BBC with whom you have wonderful chemistry wants to show you a good time but all you want to do is crawl upstairs to bed.  i regretted saying no as soon as my head hit the pillow, but i have to start being kind to my body.


wishing everyone a wonderful weekend.

5/12/2011 9:36:33 PM

i am so proud!  my photo update today made southern-charms' Staff Picks!  that's two weeks in a row!!!  and my newest video, Penthouse BBC part 2 is in the weekly top 20.


i love my job :-)


a fat old dumpy broad living off of porn!  who would have thought?


in the past two days, i've met a few really nice guys off the kinky facebook-like social networking site.  i am supposed to shoot with a couple of them this weekend!  i really hope it works out.  they seem like we would be very compatible and pump out (no pun intended) some great content!  can't wait!


i ran over and looked at the place i'm shooting at.  nice two story 3BR 2BA condo in a golf community.  my only regret is there's no private pools in that section. 


i may be shooting in the keys in june!  it's not for sure, but i sure hope that comes through! 


can you believe AI?  seriously!  were you expecting that???  james going home?  i am shocked.  but i shouldn't be.  just like when daughtry got sent home.  just like jennifer hudson.  and let's not forget adam.  excuse me...kris who????  totally forgettable.  and pia ran circles around haley and lauren.   i hope james kicks ass.  i don't even care who wins this season now.  :-(((((((   sorry to all you lauren, haley and scotty fans.  just being honest. #goteamjames #jamesdurbin  LOL!


hey do you follow me on twitter!  i'm a twit!  are you?


should be sleeping, but have a million things on my mind and my brain just won't shut down.  i wish the sleeping pills i have wouldn't make me groggy all day tomorrow otherwise i'd be downing one with my vitaminwater zero drink right now.


sweet dreams to all you lucky people who can sleep!  fellow insomniacs, twitter me!


5/12/2011 9:01:42 AM

now i understand why the guys who were detailing my car yesterday looked at me so funny.  the container that holds the sybian had the lid slide off when they moved it to vacuum, and they could clearly see all the attachments in view. 




and i also know why they said, "we hope you come back soon!"  probably wanted to know what other weird contraptions i carry in my car!  next time i'll bring the toy bag with the broken zipper LOL!



5/11/2011 10:02:23 PM

no wonder a lot of my regular stunt cocks can't make it to my shoots this weekend.  there are at least FOUR gangbangs this weekend that i know of scattered throughout central florida, and i'm sure there's plenty more that i don't know of.  is may official gang bang month?  remind me next year when i am scheduling my shoots!


but it's ok. seriously.  in this instance, quality is better than quantity.  i have some great guys lined up.


i've had a lot of people ask where can they get a copy of that big butt magazine with me on the cover (feb 2011).  here ya go:


off to bed...three nights in a row with less than five hours sleep each.  today i drove over 5 hours and put on 225 miles on my car.  got a lot accomplished for this weekend's shoots!


tomorrow i pack, go grocery shopping (can't have the talent shoot hungry!) and get a manicure/pedicure/facial.  hair is already freshly cut and colored (my hairstylist made a few more minor changes, she is so much fun), got a nice long massage right afterward (she gave me a half hour free because my shoulders and arms had tons of stress knots, i LOVE her), even got my car detailed and washed in haines city for twenty dollars!  they did a great job too! found a great short flirty dress for the upskirt shoot too, at the nudist resort boutique i love in land o' lakes.  picked up my sybian in's going to be the star of a few shoots this weekend.


and....had a really nice breakfast with a dom over in orlando!


i was in six counties today!!!


good night and wishing everyone a GREAT DAY tomorrow!


oh, and in my opinion, james durbin blew every single other contestant away tonight on AI!  go team james!


5/10/2011 12:44:01 AM

wow, this coming weekend's shoots are coming together very well.  i'm actually getting nervous, it's coming together so well!


i think this is going to be some of the hottest content i've ever done.  i'm very excited...but also very nervous!


the neat thing is that a bunch of dominant men have appeared from the nebula of wherever you dominant hide yourselves, so it looks like there will be more D/s tones, and hopefully more S&M tones in these shoots, which of course is my passion.  if bdsm porn paid as well for me as vanilla porn, i wouldn't even bother with vanilla porn.


or maybe i just don't know the right distributors yet.........!!!


if anyone has the inside scoop, please enlighten me!


i was invited to go to a gangbang this friday night.   i very reluctantly had to take a pass.  i'll need as much beauty sleep as possible friday night, even though i rarely sleep well the night before shoots.


but maybe a gangbang is just what i need to exhaust me into a good night's sleep...hmmmm.....





5/8/2011 11:46:44 PM

will be plotting and planning this weekend's photo shoots in the next few days.  if you haven't emailed me at the yahoo address, please do so quickly before i start scheduling and assigning everyone their shoot times.


hope all the moms had a wonderful mother's day.



4/27/2011 1:13:04 PM

my last photo update on southern-charms garnered more response than i've received in years.  and it was so simple.  just me in very very skin tight capri jeans.  so a lot of guys have been calling me on niteflirt the past few days asking that i wear those jeans for a cam show.  which is fine, except when your room is 92 degrees!  at least the humidity hasn't hit 90% yet.  but it will...give it time...this is florida, after all!


had a very fascinating call from a dom who really wanted to get into the mind of a submissive.  we talked for a long, long time.  i hope i did fellow submissives justice.  he was very intelligent and i enjoyed the conversation because he really made me think about why we do the things we do.  i don't  know why i was wired up this way.  i don't know why i was never, ever vanilla.  i just know that at age 5, i was hurting myself "down there" because it felt good. 


and some things never change ;-)


4/26/2011 6:50:09 AM

ok...all you guys who said you wanted to shoot with me...i just sent an email to everyone on my list from my yahoo account.  if you don't see something in your email box, email me back (not through collarme, please, i only schedule my shoots through my yahoo account). 


i had dozens of emails come back as undeliverable.  so, if you're one of them, i hope you see this.  there will be TWO opportunities to shoot with me in may, and i am also shooting with another female from atlantic city later this month and she wants to shoot with guys too. 


so check your non-collarme email account!


i had a wonderful time last night with john and starla from  we had steak, homemade pasta salad, mushrooms and onions, and green bean salad.  delicious!  we spent time out in their fishhouse admiring the view and watching their HUGE koi swim around, and talked and talked and talked.  always a good time with them.  then they let me shop their warehouse and i bought over $200 worth of sex toys because my webcam work has been using the same toys for about six years and i wanted something new and different and exciting.  well, i got several hundred dollars worth of new and different and exciting!  i can't wait to try them out today.  will be logging in to niteflirt soon!


they have exciting plans coming up both business and personal, and i am very happy for them.  it is so nice and so refreshing to see a REAL 24/7 Master/slave relationship actually work.  and i think it DOES work because he really is a Master and she really is a slave.  there's no role playing, there's no power struggle, there's no pretense.  they truly are at heart a Master and a slave.  there are things he does to her that she doesn't like but she doesn't top from the bottom and say no.  she is a true slave.  and she accepts that he will do those things to her, because it is his right as her master to do them to her.


she and i both get so frazzled at couples who claim to be dominant and submissive, or master and slave, and when you really get to know them, that power exchange dynamic is not really there.  it only comes out when both agree to have it come out, then it goes back on the shelf and the "slave" takes back the power that the "master" gives back to her.  i'm sorry but to me, that's not 24/7 Master and slave.  yes, i am very anal about this and a stickler about it. 


it even bothers me when a couple call themselves a dominant and submissive couple, but the submissive is the one who really is in control of the show.  i know that i could never be in a relationship like that.  and you can bet i am very very fussy as to who i will give control over my life.  that's why i'm still single.  and that's ok.  at least i am being true to myself and honest to those around me.


/end soapbox rant


ok, off to heal the world one orgasm at a time.


the Real Feel heat index is going to be 97 today.  uggghhh.  it's not even May yet.  i really don't want to have to shut up my house and lose the beautiful smell of confederate jasmine blowing through my rooms!


hope everyone is having a great day today. 

4/22/2011 8:29:13 PM

battling a june bug infestation.  omg, these things are so ugly and sound as loud as a sybian.  i am not kidding.  they are straight from the pit of hell, i swear. they are in the beetle family, related to scarabs.  yeah, scarabs.  remember those absolutely ugly make-you-wanna-barf creatures in "The Mummy"?  yeah, those.  cleaning up all the dead bodies in the morning is quite a disgusting and gruesome task, as well.  the carnage is as bad as a battlefield.  why do my cats bring me dead mice and birds and squirrels, but they won't eat all these dozens of bodies of protein on my porch?  amazing...  i am worried that all this poison will hurt my kitties.  but so far they seem to know to steer clear of the screens, which is where the warfare occurs.  i had to buy a portable screen door from dom depot and i opted for the overnight shipping.  not to mention several cases of bug spray.  well, ok, i am exaggerating about the cases.  a bit.  wasn't expecting that expense but....that's life.  i am so disappointed that this screen porch obviously has huge leaks that is letting in these overgrown monsters that look like they're hopped up on steroids.  (shudder!!!)


i've said before that the majority of my email, the vast majority, is positive and complimentary.  but i had someone send me a very rude and condescending email recently.  when i politely replied, he deleted the email without reading it.  he was criticizing my photos, yet he had no photos of himself on his profile.  not one.  kind of hypcritical, if you ask me.  and....hmmm...makes me wonder what he has to hide.  i don't know, it may be stupid to feel this way, but i would think if a dom had balls, he would be man enough to read the reply to his criticism.  that would be the polite thing to do, in my opinion.  i also think that perhaps some people on here have way too much time on their hands.


speaking of which, i had a very unpleasant dealing with a guy on here who claims on his profile that he lives in washington, DC.  turns out he is actually in tel aviv, israel.  don't ask me how i found out...i could tell you, but then i'd have to kill you...


anyway, he will try to get you to do things on webcam for him - things that have been deemed to be obscene by the U. S. Supreme Court and could get you arrested and jailed if found guilty.  once again, i think some people on here have way too much time on their hands.  and, not surprisingly, his profile has disappeared.  how people like that can go to bed at night with no conscience amazes me.  to deliberately take advantage of someone's vulnerability for your own personal gratification is WRONG.  i have no respect for people who can do that. 


enough of that.


i cannot believe i forgot the beltainia festival at all world acres this past weekend.  where was my head!?!?!?  heard from a few friends who attended that it was a wonderful time.  wahhhh!!!   i didn't go!  damn it!!!  next year...


also want to go to samhein.  but i've been saying that for how many years now???


why did i forget?  possibly because of a lot of projects that came up unexpectedly that needed to be done and i got them all done!!!!  yay for me!  unfortunately that also ruined my pitiful social life, but, as i said above, that's life.


it looks like my next major shoot will be may 14, possibly kissimmee or lakeland.  if you've been thinking about shooting with me, now is the time to make it happen!  interracial gets first priority.  am looking for two guys who aren't squeamish about doing a DP with me.


was supposed to shoot with a woman who is visiting the USA from Belgium, but myself and two other girls who were to shoot with her as well, haven't heard a word from her.  that's disappointing :-(


i have a lot of traveling coming up so my social life will be like a nun's. things are calming down in the family situation but it is by no means resolved.  but it's better than it was, that's for sure.


this month celebrates one year with my new photographer, who turned my less-than-stellar southern-charms sales into KICK ASS real income that i can be proud of. 


this month also marks going on the third year of living in this humble abode.  my track record for many years was to stay at a place two years or less.  not by choice.  but by tumultuous live events.  right now i am very antsy, probably out of habit, and am thinking of moving, but then i think, where else can i live so affordably, with a landlady who is supportive of my type of work here at home, where my cats are very happy, and i know they will be fed when i travel so much.  there are a few things i don't like, and when i do move, i won't miss those things, but i think that's common with almost every living situation.  so for now, i am antsy to move, yet happy to stay here.  if that makes sense.


it's been quiet in between rounds, but i once again i hear the little buzz saws bashing against the tin roof out on the porch like a percussion section of the band, so it's time to go make more insect carcasses. 


oh joy.


does anybody watch AI?  once again, this year i am addicted.  i was so sorry to see pia leave.  and i hate to say it but as much as i liked stefano, i felt it was his time to go.  the talent this year is absolutely incredible.  message me and i'll break my "no long distance pen pal" rule and dish about it!  my prediction?  casey is a fan favorite, yes.  "luther" lusk has the soulful voice.  scotty is great but in years past, AI would have forced him to go outside the country box.  haley and lauren are good but they are holding back.  but rockers won't let another adam lambert debacle happen, and will come out in full force to vote for james.  (putting away my crystal ball now)


tomorrow i will be busy making appetizers for easter dinner.  it will be bittersweet.  my oldest child, my daughter, has moved to oregon and this will be our first holiday without her.  also, my middle son turns TWENTY-ONE this weekend.  omg.  look out, he's going to be dangerous this weekend.  LEGAL!


i'll be jumping on webcam on niteflirt this weekend.  i've had a lot of great calls talking to people in the TS/TV/TG community.  each has been a special conversation, full of insight, intelligence, and so much information.  they have had a hard road, and still have a hard road ahead of them.  i admire them for having the honesty, the courage, and the BALLS, to do what their heart has told them to do, regardless of the hell they have paid for it.  i think mr. criticism and mr. tel aviv could learn a lesson from them.


lately i've been feeling really, really weird, and very depressed and negative.  things were not going right anywhere.  my energy was run down and i just couldn't focus on the positive.  then my tantra mentor called me and asked me how i was feeling lately and i replied, "HORRIBLE!"  she asked me, "specifically, what have you been thinking?  feeling?  experiencing?"  i told her about all the exhaustion i've been feeling from a very serious family matter, and how for many days at a time i'd have no energy or desire to do anything that i considered pleasurable normally.  i was seriously considering going back on my happy pills after a 2.5 year vacation from them.  i told her when it's quiet and i am alone, i've been sensing the presence of entities from another dimension, and having strange dreams and feeling very depressed and i just can't get out of it.  it's been difficult to meditate and when i do, i still feel uneasy afterward.  then she told me about something called Tzolk'in which is during portal days in the Mayan calendar. every 260 days, there are 52 days called portal days.  i don't understand it all, but from how she explained it, supposedly people who are sensitive to metaphysical things are hit particularly hard during portal days.  i had to admit the timing matched up.  also other things are going on in the spirit world as well as the cosmological arena and the astrological world that make people who are susceptible to paranormal things experience more unusual happenings. 


i thought it was all very interesting.  i am not convinced.  but i do remember seeing proof a long time ago that more births, more deaths, more accidents in the ER, etc., happen during a full moon.  i do believe the planet's movement have an impact on us.  so i'll be learning more about Tzolk'in when i can.


wishing everyone a happy easter weekend, if you celebrate it.



4/15/2011 1:56:33 PM

did you know....


that if you aren't sick and tired enough of my blog posts, you can follow me on twitter?  it's true....even more useless information about my comings (ahem) and goings.


go to twitter and my name on there is sammieSC2.


be a twit!  i am!


just had the most delightful lunch with a great guy who has been following my blog on here for several years.  it's kinda weird when someone remembers more about yourself and your experiences than you do, LOL!  we had some nice laughs and i hope we develop into a long lasting friendship.


i don't know if i am going through bipolar's manic phase or what, but i haven't slept since i woke up at 8 a.m. yesterday morning....and i'm still going strong.  mr. karma didn't help but that's ok. 


gonna put all this excess energy to use on niteflirt right now.  today's roster thus far has been a lot of taboo subjects and also two of my favorite customers - the victim of the giantess with the capability to shrink and crush the bad boy, and the subbie who so desperately wants to be placed in chastity for the remainder of his life.  also had two new customers - one who wanted me to turn him, the boss, into the office sex-bitch, and a regular who loves to hear my real life stories.  the one i shared with him today was way too steamy for this blog!


ok, gonna go make some more money before the manic wears off and i collapse!  hope everyone is having a wonderful day.

4/15/2011 10:09:25 AM

happy tax day, everyone!


having a kick ass day on niteflirt.  i really really really do love my job(s)!


even with no sleep at all last night!  but that's another story....


and i only have one thing to say about that.  karma can be a wonderful thing....or a BITCH.  the choice is yours.

4/14/2011 8:52:09 AM

haven't had much opportunity to do any work in about six weeks because of the schizophrenia stuff going on over on the space coast.  thank goodness for southern-charms.  it paid all my bills with enough left over to live comfortably (yet frugally) this month.  i still am amazed an overweight old frump like myself can make it in porn. 


but i knew i had to recoup some losses so i logged into niteflirt yesterday and had an amazing day.  lots of calls, and surprisingly, only one call revolved around the typical webcam/phonesex call.  instead, many focused on fetishes and just the need for the guy to talk to someone about those hidden parts of their soul to a compassionate ear who won't judge them for those wicked thoughts. 


some of the guys don't even care if they get off or not.  they just want someone to listen to them and understand them.


it's true, confession really is good for the soul.  the relief in their voice is palpable.


yesterday, i talked to several cross dressers, several foot fetish guys, one self-proclaimed "ass-maniac", one breast play "addict" (he was gasping at my collection of nipple clamps and breast torture devices), and a guy whose fantasy is to have a stable full of lactating women hooked up to milking machines.  and that was just yesterday's calls!


i always say that my niteflirt work is like getting paid for a doctoral degree in human sexuality.  absolutely fascinating.  i love it.  


gonna run some errands and then log in again today.  who knows what today's lesson will be?  it's always fun to find out!


i was very very bad yesterday.  i instigated (it's totally unlike me to purposely instigate something with a man) a booty call and it was....omg...let's just say all the pent up sexual energy i've had from stress and lack of time and lack of energy all came to the surface and erupted like mount vesuvius.  even the shoots in atlantic city, which were all sexual, did not give me much pleasure because of all the worry of what was going on back home.


so last night we got a nice hotel room that was a jacuzzi honeymoon suite and spent over an hour in the tub (i brought bubble bath!) and if i would have left and went home at that point, i would have went home sated.  omg, that man's fingers, hands, lips, tongue and mouth should be registered as lethal sexual weapons.  but it didn't stop there.  oh no, not by a long shot.


we went into the shower to get all the bubbles off (round two) and thanks to my overuse of bubble bath, there were A LOT of bubbles (think of "the magic porridge pot" and substitute bubbles for the porridge) and finally made it to the bed (rounds three, four and five).


i think it was during the third or fourth orgasm that i squirted all over his face.  there was dead silence.  a looooong dead silence.  and then from down below, a soft "oh my god..." 


i was mortified.  completely mortified.  until he said, "i LOVE IT when you girls do that!!!"  i said, "are you just saying that to make me feel better?"  to which he replied, "here, feel the proof!" and moved my hand down to his concrete-hard cock.  the proof was in the chocolate pudding. 


i don't know how i made it home.  seriously.


but i did.  with a huge smile on my face.  and for the first time in over six weeks, i slept like the dead. 


good thing i brought extra condoms.  we used every single condom the two of us had on our person. 


i really thought i was done with booty calls and casual sex and anonymous encounters and all that.  and i still think that part of my life, for the most part, is over.


but i now realize that in some instances, it's very nice (not to mention satisfying) to revisit the past for old time's sake. and for the sake of a good night's sleep.


all that was missing, was a flogger, a paddle and a crop!


4/12/2011 7:09:02 AM

it's a miracle.  i was able to do my taxes four days before the deadline. 


next project - unpacking and organizing from my last four trips.  i can barely walk in my bedroom, the luggage and bags of clothing and accessories and props and toiletries from the atlantic city shoots are still unpacked.  but too drained to even think about that.  every day is like a roller coaster with good news and then bad news regarding the schizoaffective disorder. 


off to tampa to help my sister with some projects today.  if anyone in the tampa bay area wants to get together before i head back home, give me a call.

4/7/2011 5:54:12 AM

we are still in the midst of dealing with schizophrenia or more accurately, schizo-affective disorder.  the medication is helping quite a bit but is also causing unwanted side effects in my loved one such as weight gain and constant drowsiness.  but the hallucinations, delusions, and bizarre behavior are becoming less and less.  we are told we are very lucky he is taking the medication and not putting up a fight about that.  his perception of his reality is still in stark contrast to those around him, but i do believe improvement has been made in many other areas.


the days are a blur of psychiatric visits, psychologist visits, in-home case workers, and much more.  but he is finally getting the help he needs.  i will forever bear the guilt of not getting him help sooner.

4/1/2011 8:38:52 AM

finally back home and so glad to be.  spent all day yesterday in my recliner, petting my kitties (they were all very co-dependent and wouldn't get off my lap yesterday - it had been six whole days!) and watching the weather reports - massive amounts of rain, tornadoes, and watching the photos people sent in of the damage.  mother nature was busy the past few days.  so glad our plane was not in limbo because of the weather wednesday night.


atlantic city was fun only because of the shoots and who i was shooting with, but i was not impressed with the city.  the vast majority of it looked poverty-stricken with urban blight.  a lot of tenements, no pretty landscaping anywhere, bleak empty lots from torn down buildings, many dilapidated sections of town, and just the overall energy of the place oozed of depression and sadness and hopelessness.  the only reason i would go back would be to shoot again with our delightful hostess.   maybe in the summer when it's warm, it would be nice to walk along the boardwalk, but it was just too cold for me right now.


we shot in a beautiful two bedroom condo, then a gorgeous studio apartment, and a scrumptious three bedroom penthouse suite all overlooking the jersey shore, and that part was a lot of fun.  the people i shot with were all very nice.  but the city below was just.....sad.  i did get to go to a casino for a few hours and i really did not enjoy that experience.  no happiness...even among the wealthy there who COULD afford to lose money. 


i have never really liked gambling and that visit to that casino just confirmed to me that it is just not my thing.  i try not to judge others who love it and enjoy it, but for me, i just cannot see literally throwing away my hard-earned money for absolutely no pleasure at all.  at least when i pay outrageous fees for movie tickets and popcorn and a drink, there is (hopefully) a good hollywood picture to view...but at the casino, the sounds and flashing lights and card games and slots just did nothing for me as far as entertainment value.


it sounds like i may be going up to maryland late spring or late summer for more shoots, but not too much information on that yet. 


in the meantime, i am so glad to be home.


i was supposed to shoot the second weekend in april here in central florida but i canceled it.  just not up to it because of the family situation. 


i'll be over on the space coast by cocoa beach all next week, if anyone wants to meet for iced tea.


3/27/2011 7:03:20 AM

in atlantic city shooting da porn....had one family crisis already that i was able to handle by phone.  wasn't able to shoot anymore that day because of it....just emotionally exhausted.  i'm here for a few more days if nothing requires me to head home early.

3/24/2011 6:57:24 PM

today was the first day in almost three weeks that was actually hopeful.


we are all exhausted but hanging in there.

3/23/2011 4:15:16 AM

thank you to all the wonderful people who have replied to my inquiry.


we are still dealing with psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, targeted case managers, ARNPs, the facility where he was baker acted, and due to an unfortunate turn of events, a whole other entity that i would rather never have to deal with again. 


as soon as things settle down i'll be responding to everyone.  thank you so much for your replies.  it's really given me some hope.

3/13/2011 5:40:17 PM

if you or a loved one suffers from schizophrenia, i would really appreciate you mailing me.  i found out this week a loved one may have it.  all kinds of testing will be done this week to get a diagnosis but the signs are pointing toward schizophrenia. 


thanks to all who reply.



3/6/2011 10:46:41 AM

my bedroom screen door and my living room screen door are both right by confederate jasmine plants.  my whole home is perfumed with the sweet scent.  i love it! actually had to unplug the febreze room freshener because the jasmine is so overpowering!  i am only burning unscented ritual candles because it's so strong! 


this is the perfect weather of paradise for which we wait all year, and go through horrifically hot summers. 


hope everyone is doing well and having a fantastic weekend  :-) 

2/28/2011 10:31:29 PM

have to be up in less than six hours for a girls' day out.  going to land o' lakes with my tantra mentor where we will feast at a restaurant that literally sits on a beautiful lake filled with birds, turtles, fish, and alligators, then off to spend way too much money, as always, at a boutique that, strangely enough, caters to all the nudist resorts there (how's that for irony?) and then to get our hair cut and styled by the best stylist i've ever had touch my hair.  and finally, stopping off at a nursery where if i find the perfect lavender rose bush or a variegated bougainvillea, they will find a home right in front of my new screen porch that i am enjoying tremendously.  really looking forward to this - it's been too long since i've just had a fun day with a gal pal doing girly things with no men involved ;-) now if there was a massage, manicure and pedicure involved, that would be PERFECT!



2/25/2011 11:53:41 PM

it's been a rough week away from home, getting hit with issues in all directions.  and to top it off, i had to go to the doctor and am on strong antibiotics, and taking stronger probiotics to help guard against the dreaded yeast infection side effect from antibiotic use.  also fighting a cough, and my lungs are giving me major trouble.  not sure why. 


on a good note, my southern-charms sales have exceeded my goal for the month again already, and it's not even the end of the month.  very happy about that, as i still have a few more car repairs in my near future and need to save up for lots of traveling in the near future. 


didn't have any time to play while in the space coast :-(  maybe next time.  i hope.  i really really hope.


i get a lot of fan mail on here, from all over the world, commenting on my photos or my websites.  out of 999 emails, i may get 1 that is negative, critical, or downright obscenely rude.  these really don't upset me.  i don't have room in my life for negativity or mean criticism, or the people who choose this method of communication.  i wish them well, but it's not going to get a rise out of me. 


i received one earlier this week, and my reply basically was that i was not going to be upset about his mean comments, and that i was literally laughing my way to the bank.  he sarcastically said he was sure bill gates was envious of my bank account. 


well, i'm not in competition with bill gates, and i never said i was.  my financial goal is to make a comfortable life for myself now and in the future, and if needed, for my kids also, and that's exactly what i'm doing.  negative sarcasm like that is pointless.  i'm not sure what affect he wished his comments to have on me, but it's like water rolling off a duck's back.  and this, from a man who won't post photos of himself.  hmmmmm....


anyway, i'm staying home this week and working, because i did absolutely positively no work all this week, at all.  no privacy for one thing!  and too busy.  i got kinda spoiled going out a lot there every weekend for a while and i must say i'm gonna miss it this weekend.  but i'm also looking forward to having some quiet time at home, keeping the porn machine running hard :-)


my cats are again mad at me and have boycotted my bed tonight for being gone all week.  i know by tomorrow i'll be forgiven, but  i really wish they'd get in here, i do need some therapeutic fur NOW.  i almost brought home a stray cat whose loud insistent meowing woke me up every morning this week where i was staying but i didn't.  i bet THAT cat would be on my lap right now, loving all the attention i'd be bestowing on it.  my cats are so spoiled. 

2/20/2011 10:12:27 PM

my photographer is just too busy with his full time job and shooting four other southern-charms to help me develop my two clips4sale sites.  i'm talking with a photographer i've used in the past to see if we can meet monthly for shoots to get those two sites making money.  if we mutually decide it wouldn't work for us, i'd love to hear from others who would consider this.  my photographer for southern-charms is making a pretty decent monthly commission from my sales on there....this could be a good thing if i can get these two sites doing what they should be.



2/19/2011 11:39:20 AM

had a real nice time last night at club deluptous.  a few nice folks from here made it out there too and it was nice to meet in person.  i entered a lap dance contest - didn't win, but it was fun.  met a few folks who, i come to find out, are also in the lifestyle.  i love it when that happens.

i was going to go to the lakeland local bdsm group tonight but i feel like i've been run over by a freight train.  just got back from a neuromuscular massage therapist, and have another 1.5 hour appointment at another therapist later tonight.  been thinking about doing some tai chi or something gentle like that to begin to get back into shape.  i now have a big beautiful screened in porch in which to do that.  and that walking trail is just minutes from my house and now is the perfect time of year to begin.  but it seems like something always comes up or when i do have time, i am too exhausted to do anything. 

i admire people who devote time to staying in fit every single day.  i decided i am not going to go out and join a gym.  if i can't even get my ass in front of the TV to do a DVD of exercise, i'm certainly not going to drag my ass to the closest gym, even if it is only ten miles away.  a contract for $30 a month is not enough to change my bad habits.



2/18/2011 2:27:17 PM

i had such a blast webcamming this week.  it was probably my best week EVER in my history of six years doing this.


off to club deluptous tonight at 1915 east colonial in orlando for a "pretty in pink" bbw party and my partner in crime/gal pal (yes, the other half of my "lesbian stripper duo") will be celebrating her birthday there.  should be fun!  come on out and buy her a drink.  then buy me one since you missed my birthday in december ;-)


wishing everyone a great weekend now, in case i'm too comatose tomorrow to do so.

2/17/2011 12:15:15 PM

OMG What Have I Done? Part 2.

I still can't believe she talked me into this.

Don't wait!  Call now for the ONLY bbw lesbian stripper act in the nation!  LOL!

2/16/2011 8:51:56 AM

the goodfellaz party was an awesome, fricken' blast.  i was just supposed to be a safety hatch and observe but my partner in crime and i ended up doing.....wait....what happens at the party, stays at the party....never mind ;-)

anyway, the above partner in crime got me involved in yet another entrepreneur adventure.  she's on there too, after all, this is all her doing.  but here's my page.

i can't believe i did this.



2/12/2011 5:23:19 PM

off to a goodfellaz party in kissimmee.  i really don't wanna go but my partner in crime says if i don't go with her, she'll be kidnapped and sold into white slavery and i will forever feel the guilt.  damn it.

never one to waste a good opportunity, i'll just pass out business cards and pimp my porn :-)

2/9/2011 10:39:37 AM

it's official...i will be flying out to atlantic city with my photographer in late march to shoot with a ton of people.  i have a feeling there will be even more partying than shooting, but i am ok with photographer is helping me with the concept of a working vacation - in other words, not to be so anal about it having to be work work work, shoot shoot shoot.  that it's ok to have some fun too. 

i must say i am really looking forward to it. 

as long as all the shoots are INDOORS.  me + cold weather = cranky and pain-ridden sammie

2/7/2011 4:53:10 AM

the trip to the quaint little coastal georgia barrier island was absolutely wonderful.  we had a few things happen that will probably cause gales of laughter whenever we talk about them.  definitely good memories were created to last hopefully for years to come.  the days flew by.  of course we didn't have time to do all that we wanted to do but we did manage to cram quite a few things in.  we'll just have to go back and do them another time, it's as simple as that!


she really wants to drive cross country all alone when she moves to oregon march 1st, and that scares me, but i think i may have talked her into letting me go with her as far as sedona, AZ and then i'd fly back home by myself. 


probably balling my head off the whole flight.


anyway, it's nice to be home even though i am heading to tampa today for yet more car repairs, and i'll be working in st. petersburg tomorrow.  wednesday i hope to have a day to collapse. 


i met a wonderful couple from the chicago area, transplanted to cocoa beach, while i was visiting over there last week and really liked them from the start.  we have a play date for the next time i'm in town :-)  can't wait!!!  he's reportedly very, very good at single tails.  sammie loooooooves single tails!  so excited about that!


i would have loved to have taken them up on their offer to play last thursday, but a simple realignment of my car turned into a mad dash to a dealership to get a bunch more stuff done, all for under the price that tire kingdom quoted me to get three things done.  and tire kingdom tried to sell me one repair that i really didn't need.  i learned my lesson.  no more tire kingdom.  thanks to a great mechanic friend in tampa, who called the dealership to get a base price, i saved well over $400.  i'm sure i could have saved more if i went to an independent mechanic, but we just didn't have the time to shop around - i had to leave with my daughter for georgia the very next day. 


after i get the repairs done today, i'll still have one major repair to do - the passenger wheel hub assembly - but that can wait a few weeks.  my finances need some serious replenishing after this roadtrip down memory lane to georgia, and the $1K+ i've already spent in car repairs.


it was a hoot because as i was waiting at the dealership for the repairs, i was able to test drive a new sonata, a new santa fe and a new tuscon.  i must say the santa fe was tempting.  two guys were doing a combination of hard/soft sell and as much as i loved the SUV, i just smiled and nodded.  i definitely have a new goal to save up for.


well, i am rambling...which is pretty much what all these swirling thoughts are doing in my brain right now.  when i get home tonight i hope to have enough energy to do a grounding and centering ritual to get my head back to a more quiet place.  hope everyone is having a wonderful day.  i'll be youtubing the best superbowl commercials and the black eyed peas halftime show tonight.  message me with your favorite commercial!

2/2/2011 7:58:01 AM

having a wonderful time on the space coast.  saw an old friend monday evening, met a couple who are also from the chicago area yesterday morning, and enjoying the rest of time with family.  i wanted to go to the melbourne group (not sure if it's an official melbourne munch, or just an informal kinky BDSM coffee group) that met for coffee last night but my son was delayed and by the time i got him back home, it was about time for it to be over.  was disappointed i couldn't make it but there will be others, hopefully.


friday my oldest child and i go off to one of our favorite places in the southeast for a weekend of reliving old memories and making new ones.  i was disappointed because the place that was our first choice unexpectedly raised the rates by 33% so we went with our second choice but that is still going to be a lovely accommodation.  we are making a short side trip to st. augustine as well.  our itinerary just keeps growing and i don't know how we are going to cram all this into one weekend but we are going to try our best!  i don't know when she will be back to this side of the country, so we are going to take advantage of this time while we have it.  i do look forward to visiting her in oregon and am saving up money already to fly out there this summer.  i know we will visit seattle as she loves it there.


my second oldest child bought me an MP3 player, a cigarette lighter splitter, and a system that plays the MP3 music through my car's stereo system.  so now i can have my GPS and this MP3 system plugged in at the same time!  that was so thoughtful of him.


and my youngest child is doing well - those of you who know me know that he has been a major source of concern and worry for me, but these past few trips have shown him to be the best he's been in years.  i am looking forward to taking another long walk on the beach with him this afternoon.  the weather is absolutely perfect - sunny and 74 degrees.


it looks like i will be flying to atlantic city with my photographer and a fellow charm that i've become close with, and meeting two other charms there, and well as a southern-gent (the male equivalent of a southern-charm) for a week full of fun, fun, fun, shoots, fun, fun, fun and shoots.  my photographer and the fellow charm are helping me deal with this new way of doing things - going away somewhere and having FUN and not having it be all about shoots, shoots, shoots.  when i go away for a weekend to shoot, that is ALL we do.  SHOOT!  no time for meals hardly, let alone fun (well, fun that is not part of the shoot).  so i'm having difficulty wrapping my brain around spending money on a plane ticket for mostly FUN and not work!  but i think if they pour enough wine in me, that should go a long way toward helping me with that problem.  or, as we found out in our last shoot together in cocoa beach, tequila seems to greatly help me stop being such a freakin' workaholic. 


i'm hearing of friends and family being buried in snow up north.  i remember those days.  i don't miss that in the least.  i sit here typing this out on a second story balcony next to a humongous banyan tree in capris and a short sleeved shirt, the sun hitting my legs, the birds twittering just a few feet from me, and am so glad that cold snap we had left us alone finally.  not sure how i will deal with atlantic city in march...hopefully they will have a very unseasonably warm spring!


today's agenda...enjoy my time with family. 



1/30/2011 2:56:11 PM

packing for a week at the space coast.  then taking my oldest child to a small southeastern georgia island next weekend before she moves clear across the continent.  if anyone wants to get together for drinks or iced tea while i'm in the satellite beach area this week, just holler.

1/30/2011 2:24:39 AM

the lakeland locals group was a great time!  met some wonderful people.


the love loft afterward was so much fun.  the only bad part is that my work cell phone is completely destroyed :-(  gotta replace it's necessary for makin' da money!


my swinging buddy brought a coworker and he and i really hit it off.  we all went to his house after the love loft closed and things really got cookin' there.


off to bed for me....supposed to have my car worked on in tampa in 4.5 hours!


if anyone in tampa would like to meet up, i'll be stranded near waters and dale mabry without a car for about five hours tomorrow.  just don't call me on my work phone :-)~



1/29/2011 1:34:40 PM

after the lakeland locals group, i am being dragged kicking and screaming against my will to the orlando love loft for BBC night.  if anyone wants to meet up there, give me a holler.


1/29/2011 6:00:32 AM

going to the new lakeland locals group tonight.  hope it fares better than the previous group!

off to get an alignment.  on my car!  get your head out of the gutter!


1/25/2011 7:23:40 PM

part 3 of the squirrel saga.


so many people have asked about the welfare of the poor squirrel, i felt it deserved an update.


would you believe he's still in my closet?  hasn't had anything to eat or drink for over 36 hours.  i feel horrible about this, just horrible.


he came out today, a few times, and i had my outside door open think he would scurry out of it.  nope, he scuttered around the room in a panic, and kept launching himself into the windows, thinking it was the outside, not knowing what glass is, i suppose.  i felt so bad for him. 


i tried and tried and tried to use a long stick to lead him outside but he kept avoiding being pushed outside, and went back into hiding.  the door right to my backyard was not even 12 feet away.  wide open.  leading to freedom.  the backyard.  so close yet so far.  sure, the backyard has cats in it, but he stands a better chance out there than he does in here.


speaking of cats, they are no help.  i have to herd them out of my room and shut the door on them, otherwise one is always here to keep watch.  i swear they are rotating in shifts, with mama kitty guarding the front door just in case.


i really don't know what to do about this.  a bad thing is that there are so many places for him to hide in my room.  it looks like a porn studio's wardrobe department in here.  seriously.  i have two industrial clothesracks full of porn clothes right next to my bed, and a closet full of it too.  he's been hiding in the clothesracks, in the closet, and between my two dressers (which, by the way, are also full of porn clothes - i really need to have a porn clothes garage sale although i don't think they would sell too well here in this Bible belt town for some reason...)


but i digress.


mr. squirrel must be thirsty, and starving.  his eyes were wild, and he was darting around in a panic.  this is heartbreaking and i truly am at a loss as to what to do.


i leave here tomorrow for fours days, am back overnight, then leave for another day, then back overnight, and then i'll be gone for over a week.  the window (or back door) of opportunity for this squirrel is swiftly closing. 




how long can a squirrel last without food and water???


1/24/2011 9:43:24 AM

really enjoying the feline stories readers are sending me.  please keep them coming.  love it!

1/24/2011 9:31:00 AM

the continuing saga of cornered squirrel.


i took the cats' food outside to get them away from the squirrel.  two of them took the bait.  the third remained steadfast in her position on the bed.


i found a long stick and tried to gently push the squirrel down from my bedroom door top.  with eyes glazed over and wide with fright, it growled and sputtered at me and tried to climb the stick to reach me - i am assuming it's goal was to bite me and claw my eyes out.  this of course caused the two cats outside feasting on whiskas turkey giblets in gravy to come racing in.  i got the squirrel down on the floor, hoping to get it out my back door, which was strategically placed wide open ahead of time.


unfortunately, the squirrel didn't understand, and is now holed up in my closet again, terrified out of its skull.  two cats are back on the bed staring at the closet floor, the third is standing guard at the closet door.  they got the poor thing covered.  it doesn't stand a chance.


i really sympathize with that poor thing.


and to make matters worse, i did two loads of laundry yesterday.  the cats have decided they needed to mark their territory to let the squirrel know this is THEIR bedroom, and have used my fresh laundry still in the laundry basket as their kitty litter box.  instead of laundry smelling like rainfresh blossoms, it smells like eau de feline pee.


oh joy.


mutual of omaha's wild kingdom has nothing on this.


at least i know my cats do not suffer from ADHD.



1/24/2011 6:43:16 AM

my cats have a hatred for squirrels. 


it's an intense, consuming, no-holds-barred hatred.


which upsets my landlady's brother, i think, because he feeds the squirrels as pets.  and has watched as my cats have killed his "pets" one by one.


some months back i journaled about the mayhem in my bed, right in front of me, performed by my otherwise loving, affectionate sweetheart, mama kitty.  then, very recently, another squirrel was found in my living room.  amazingly not decapitated, but dead, nonetheless.  i've been told (although i have not witnessed it for myself) that my cats take perverse pleasure in treeing the squirrels for hours, staring overhead at the branches, tails twitching, mercilessly trapping their prey in the tree for hours on end. 


and this morning, i woke up to the sound of a "chirp chirp chirp!"  i thought they brought a bird into the living room and were reveling in its final death song.  but no, it's not a bird.  it's yet another squirrel.  who is now in my bedroom, panicked, scrambling around my closet, and now perched on top of the door.  two cats are on my bed watching it's every shudder, and the third cat is on the other side of the door, on the steps, leering at it and i swear i see drool in one corner of her mouth. 


i feel so sorry for this squirrel.  i want to get up and usher it harmlessly through two cat doors and send it on its way and apologize for what must be multiple puncture wounds from fangs and who knows what other damage has been done to it, and do the right thing and offer to pay for its psychiatric counseling sessions for the resulting PTSD which surely will haunt this poor critter the rest of its life.


but i have visions of going near the door, having it jump on my head, bite my scalp, and claw my eyes out, in revenge for my cats traumatizing it half to death.  so i watch.  i watch my cats watch the squirrel watch the cats.  i watch four tails twitching. 


this has been going on for several hours and two of the cats who are on my bed are laying their head down to rest, eyes closed.  no worries, the last cat out on the other side is keeping the vigil.  i think they silently decided who would take which watch, and for how many hours. 


i really need to pass through that doorway.  but i also need to do so in a manner that doesn't expose me to rabies and claws and fangs.  haven't quite figured out how to do that yet.


never a dull moment around here, that's for sure.  


ahh shit.  it just chirped.


1/22/2011 7:05:50 AM fashion show for me tonight.  my gal pal didn't see the age requirements and i am waaaayyyy too old to qualify.  but go check it out at



1/22/2011 6:11:11 AM

oh, how could i forget about the shoots? the shoots in cocoa beach were a lot of fun. there were several highlights. first, i shot with a woman who is truly bisexual.  my photographer shoots both of us and knew that when we finally met up, there would be chemistry.  he was right.  unfortunately, she lives in new jersey and has to fly down here every so often to shoot.  well, we met, we clicked, and we shot.  and i shot her. 


i have never, ever squirted while having someone give me oral sex before.  but i shot her in the face - i ruined her makeup and i soaked her hair, while she was eating me out.  she wasn't even massaging my g-spot!  i didn't even know i could squirt without having my g-spot massaged!  what the heck!  i was shocked.  she was soaked.  our photographer was stoked!  


another good shoot was all five of the girls my photographer shoots were able to be together last night in cocoa beach, so he did a photo and a video shoot of all five of us.  it took hours, but it was worth it.  we got some great work done.  most of us are BBWs and i must say it looked pretty darn good to see us big beautiful women all together heating up his camera lens.  we previewed the photos on the big screen afterward and did our share of "oooooh"ing and "ahhhhhhhh"ing.  it was fun.  i can honestly say i liked each and every one of the girls.  i had known and shot with two of them already and now i feel complete that i've met all of us, heh heh. 


the one that has so much chemistry with me, from NJ, invited me to come to her timeshare in atlantic city the last week of march.  my photographer will be coming up there to shoot us.  i am soooo gonna be there!  sign me up :-)


so, if any of you peeps from that area want to meet up between shoots, give me a holler so we can start plotting and planning.


can't wait!

1/22/2011 6:01:03 AM

gonna be hitting the webcams hard.  have a very few expensive repairs on my car coming up, and an expensive trip to southern coastal georgia the first week of february.  if you ever wanted to see what happens in a phonesex/webcam call, give me a holler and i'll tell ya how you can reach me on my preferred wc/ps platform.  you must have yahoo instant messenger 10.0 or better, or skype.  both are easy and fast to download.  both are easy and fast to learn.  both are free.  the PS/WC session, however, is not free.  i'll give you a discounted rate ;-)


looking forward to the fashion show tonight even though i have a sore throat and a very congested nose and am feeling run down.  but it's gonna be 31 fricken degrees out tonight!  i thought this was central florida.  right?  is this not central florida?  is this not where northern tourists save up for a long time so they can come down here to escape...oh let's see....escape perhaps below freezing temperatures?  geez louise.


have a fucktabulous day today and keep warm!



1/21/2011 8:44:11 PM

dragged my sorry old ass home and am having a difficult time typing because three neglected kitties are walking all over my keyboard and my lap and bumping my hand to be pet and worshipped.


so glad to be home.  was offered a place to crash back in cocoa beach tonight but just wanted the comfort of my own bed.  had no chance to see friends. 


am going to be in a plus sized fashion show tomorrow somewhere near orlando.  if you'd like to come cheer me and a fellow southern-charm webmodel on, give me a holler and i'll send you the details.


i'm off to bed to collapse.  have a great weekend!

1/20/2011 8:09:32 PM

sorry for the delay in replying to emails.  been extremely busy with extended, unplanned shoots, and family on the space coast.  no time for visiting friends yet.  haven't had internet access until now.  :-(  may not be time to visit with anyone this trip because of the unexpected shoots.  if you have my number, leave a voice mail.


1/18/2011 8:27:31 PM

thinking it may be time to trade in my baby.  several hundreds of dollars have not found where the evaporation emission controls leak is.  several hundreds of dollars more have not found out where the thump thump thump comes from which is increased with speed.  it's very loud. 


i love my car.  hate the thought of getting rid of it.  hate the thought of having a car payment again. 


and the CV joints are clicking.  again.



1/17/2011 5:34:38 AM

doing much better today.  actually enjoying listening to the rain go pitter patter on the tin roof of my new porch.  woke up very early and watched the dawn slowly grow brighter,  while actually being able to say, "i am glad i am here on this planet."  and all three cats had to have their turn on my lap - nothing like therapeutic fur when you need it. 

i've had some very, fascinating...responses to my journal entries of late, from all over the world with many comments and suggestions.  it's been very thought provoking and i appreciate that. 

i believe in laying all this out there for the world to see, because i know there are many others who go through this cyclic depression, and they have many loved ones who are scared, angry, confused, nervous, concerned, etc., over their loved one as they watch them slip down further and further.  perhaps my writing can shed some light on what a person goes through during these times.  there's a lot of judging and misconception and miscommunication during depressive episodes, and towards people who suffer from depression, and it is my hope i can help just a little bit by being transparent during those episodes and letting people into the mind of a person going through it.

i'm shooting in cocoa beach this week with a girl who's flying in from NJ and a male webmodel who's coming in from NY, and hoping to stop by and visit with many friends on my way to and from the shoots. 

wishing everyone a wonderful week.

1/15/2011 8:30:30 AM

i'm trying to figure out why this depression is settling in like a dense fog that is so thick, i can't get my head up over it to see the sunlight. 

is it my health?  is it my hormones?  is it some cosmic imbalance?  is it bad karma biting me in the ass?  is it just the old imbalance of brain chemicals?  do i need to embark on another spiritual housecleaning?  do i need a psychic cleansing? 

all i know is, it's caused me to think a lot about many things going on in my life. 

time has flown by this past decade.  in six more months, my familial responsibilities will take a major shift in direction and i will be free to do a lot more things.  i won't be totally free, but a lot more so than i am now.  i will be able to travel at a whim.  check out new areas.  meet people from all over the country.  perhaps the world.

i have been committed to the central florida area throughout my whole duration on collarme, and before that, and (i started on those sites over ten years ago).  but that will be changing soon. 

in about a year, it's entirely possible that i can move anywhere in the world, as long as airplanes can bring me back to family at a moment's notice.  i would love to see the pacific northwest.  sedona will always call to me.  southern arizona was a bit too arid and the xeroscape got pretty boring but i did enjoy the dry heat and my bones and muscles felt so good there.  southern california sounds nice and warm and...well. southern california-ish.  the florida keys always were like paradise to me and i would cry as i drove back up toward miami.  i always wanted to go to new orleans.  of course, post-katrina, i'll never experience it in all it's former glory but i still would like to try it out. 

i don't think i will ever want to live where it gets brutally cold.  (of course, to me, anything below 40 degrees is brutally cold.) 

internationally, i've always wanted to try australia, new zealand, germany, amsterdam, ireland, scotland, spain, italy. (not the cold time of year for any of these though!) and will be able to do so.

so this will open up a lot of possibilities for me.  new places to live.  new people to meet.  new things to do.  new sites to see.  hopefully, new things to experience.   

i do know one thing though.  all these years i have made it clear on alt and bondage and collarme that i don't do long distance.  period.  no exceptions.  it is very frustrating to get to know someone online and through phone calls and webcam calls.  i attribute that to my borderline personality disorder.   i don't want to go into detail here, if you are really interested, go read about borderline personality disorder on the internet, especially the part about relationship attachments, and you may be able to understand people like me who say long distance DOES NOT WORK.  there must be a physical presence of someone, otherwise, things get bad.  very very bad. 

it doesn't matter how wonderful the other person is.  in ten plus years of being a part of the online bdsm community, i've been wooed with how handsome you are, how much money you make, how much experience you have, how many material possessions you have acquired in this lifetime, how big your cock is, how wonderful of a personality you have, how perfect you would be for me, even how much you love me. 

but all that doesn't matter.  because you cannot get past the barriers of borderline personality.  i've taken a lot of flak about this all these years, and have not backed down on my stance, but it's been this way for a very important reason.  mental stability.  pure and simple.

i realize now that my major depression recurrent and my borderline personality disorder and my bipolar disorder type II and my anxiety disorder not otherwise specified and who knows what else i have that i have not been diagnosed with (my sister swears i have OCD and other things), have not gone away.  all i have done is pretty much taken everything out of my life that would have triggered these things.  i've de-stressed my life so much, the symptoms have been allowed to lie dormant.  i've whittled my relationships down to those that are not a threat to me because they have no strife whatsoever. 

if i were to start communicating with someone who did not live nearby, i  know these symptoms would all rear their ugly head and either destroy the relationship, or force me to deal with them once and for all. 

dealing with my forms of mental illness means choosing a form of therapy, and sticking with it.  most forms of therapy require commitment, and a lot of time, as much as two to three times per week in individual and group therapy.  all without medical insurance.  and now that my porn income has increased so much more than before, i cannot qualify for low income psychiatric benefits through the state anymore.  i know i cannot commit to the time factor right now.  but perhaps in a year.  who knows?

in the meantime, right now, i am trying to determine which stressor(s) caused these symptoms to come out of the nebula.

and i am coming up with nothing. 

regarding relationships.  it seems like the past five or six important relationships i've had were whirlwind. 

we met.  we bonded.  we became inseparable.  we were very serious.  we faced a major crisis (usually, he lied to me).  we imploded.  we parted.  sometimes, we tried again.  with the same results. 

that's it in a nutshell.  history repeating itself over and over again.

so i've taken a break and sat on the sidelines and analyzed my history with men, and see that i've made the same mistakes over and over again.  and finally decided that this time, i can learn from my mistakes and have better results.

so i started going out on dates.  lots of dates.  dates from vanilla sites, dates from kinky sites.  i've met a lot of interesting men.  i've felt attraction to some of them.  most, once they found out what i do for a living, disappeared.  but that's ok.  i believe it is best to start a relationship with 100% honesty and i told them upfront what i do.  to be honest, i did not feel a chemistry with most of the men i went out with.  i've learned my taste in men has changed.  basically, i'm at the point in my life where they have to have more than a dick to keep my interest.  who would have thought?

so i met this person a few weeks ago and we had a wonderful time.  i went to his house for another date and we had a wonderful time.  i went to his house two nights ago and had a wonderful time. 

by now, going on my past relationship history, we would be practically moving in with each other.  seriously.  i mean, really, seriously -- i'm not joking.  but due to his work and school circumstances, (and perhaps the fact that he's just not into me as much as i am into him) this is not going to happen.  my emotions are saying, "he's not into me...this is going nowhere.  i feel rejection.  i am lacking.  i am inadequate."  but a normal person would look at this and say, "um, no, this is moving right along just as it should be.   it may take weeks, months, even years for a relationship to develop, and if that's the case, THAT'S OK."

so i realize that my borderline personality is still there.  still controlling, or trying to control.  still wanting to grasp with full force something that isn't even there yet, if it ever will be.

i realize that lately i have been very happy, very joyful, very much in tune with metaphysical happenings, and living in gratitude and gratefulness and feeling better than i have in years, perhaps my entire life, (although I have worked very hard to do so) until a very short while ago, and i cannot figure out why, but i know there must be SOME reason, and if i can only figure out what that reason is, i can address it and go forward and learn and grow and FIX IT.  

if i can get up the energy to get ready and go, i'll be going to sir steffan's dungeon tonight.  i know that is only a quick temporary fix.  i know that by this time tomorrow the depression will have come back in full force once the endorphins wear off.  part of me is saying, "so why bother?"  but another part is saying, "because in times like these, you need to stay connected to the human race and not go into your psychic cave." 

i just cannot put my finger on what went wrong and why the depression came back.  i just want to know WHY.  i feel that the WHY is very important in conquering this. 

does ANYBODY out there understand all this?  or i am just completely insane?

and why the heck does collarme keep adding all these blank lines between my paragraphs????

1/14/2011 9:25:43 AM

had a nice dinner at olive garden last night and then a nice post-dinner fuck and that did help the depression but when i got back home at 8 a.m. this morning, it just hit me hard again.


as soon as i get some cat doors installed in my new porch today and the handyman leaves, i am going to do some meditation and grounding and re-centering and intention rituals, some aromatherapy and take a long walk on the trail.  even though it's freezing (well, 58 degrees might as well be freezing for me) outside.


if i don't get too depressed, i'm going to go to sir steffan's swinging/bdsm party tomorrow night - that always helps.


on the way home from my friend's house this morning, i stopped by wal-mart to replace the fourth bluetooth i've lost in less than two months, and stocked up on salads, fruit and other healthy stuff, even getting the diabetic-friendly yogurt, in case junk food and too much sugar is adding to this depression.


i'm even too depressed to warm up the delicious left over tortelloni and chicken.


i never realized just how many people all over the world read this blog.  i have gotten many PMs on here from really sweet people filled with encouragement and advice and the offer to talk.  thank you to each and every one of you.  a few have said it's time to go back on the medication.  i understand why they feel that way but i am going to fight that with every ounce of energy i have, which, admittedly, is not very much.


on this last tampa trip, i wanted to check out a sissy salon, a dungeon, and a tantra workspace plus meet a few more long-time friends and new friends but it just didn't happen.  but i am very grateful for the few friends i did see this trip.


a very dear friend has been giving me raunchy bdsm greeting cards for years and he gave me two over lunch at my favorite mexican restaurant by the veteran's expressway, and i left them at the restaurant on the table  :-(  i lost another bluetooth yesterday morning.  a stunt cock left his t-shirt.  another guy left his underwear.  my photographer left a bunch of stuff in the cabinet.  i lost another phone charger.  i left an extension cord at the hotel behind a couch.  a ring that i left at a play date last year that was just given back to me before my birthday is now lost again.  another stunt cock left his black hood.  my bisexual gal pal who shot with me left her black negligee.  i bought a new purple ring and can't find it.  i lost one earring during a shoot and couldn't find it. 


and of course, during the last shoot, something got lost and i am just not going to explain that because it's way too embarrassing. 


anyway, i am not kidding or exaggerating about all that stuff going wrong.  this whole trip was about me and those around me losing things and leaving things behind.  very very strange.  and it all just added to my sense of being off balance.


if i disappear for a while, it means either i am too depressed to journal, or i am attending every single bdsm/swinging function i can possibly manage for some much needed endorphin/serotonin/dopamine/norepinephrine/oxytocin therapy!


1/11/2011 10:47:00 PM

It's been a challenge here in Tampa.  I don't often get lonely.  Heck, I rarely get lonely.  Actually, I can't even remember the last time I was lonely.  But on this trip, after the shoots were over and the photographer went home and the stunt cocks were drained, and my bisexual costar headed back east, I have been very lonely even though I have been busy working, seeing clients, and even have pushed myself out of my comfort zone to see a few friends I haven't seen in a long time to reconnect with them a bit.

But I feel out of sorts, disconnected, disjointed.  I miss my cats.  I miss my home.  Yet I dread packing up and going back home. 

And I am frustrated, very frustrated, over circumstances with a certain person that are beyond my control.  And I am not sure how I am going to handle it.  As I see it, there are two choices, and neither of them are good.

It's been 27 months since I've been on any antidepressants, after years and years of being on them.  In all this time, I think I've managed it pretty well.  No suicidal episodes, no not being able to get out of bed for 17 to 21 days in a row, no major mood swings.  Even after a serious break up and another relationship that fizzled.  My emotions and my life hasn't been this stable in years, even though I am in the middle of a legal procedure, and doing many stressful things financially, and making important business decisions.  But for the first time in a long time, I have to be honest with myself and say that I am starting to feel the onset of depression. 

At long last, my porch is finished.  The porch I have been dreaming about for months and months and months.  I am hoping that when I return home, I will have a few days just to sit outside on my new porch, provided the weather will cooperate, and just relax and re-ground and re-center myself.  Recline back on my beautiful teakwood lounge chair, with a glass of iced tea or wine beside me, both phones shut off, a good book in my lap, (well, the kitties must have first priority in the lap, and THEN the book can be arranged around them) and maybe the laptop close by just to stay connected a tiny bit with the world.  Maybe then, the depression will lift, and maybe then, I can make a wise decision about the situation with that certain someone, if there even is a situation that needs to be decided. 

I feel like there is a bitter stinging going on inside of me, very unpleasant, very disconcerting.  Also an ache, a longing.  For what, I have no idea. 

While all my sessions have gone really well, I cannot help but wonder if the energy around me, and the energy I am putting out there, is somehow hindering my work.  My clients deserve 110% and they will receive it, and I am pushing myself harder and harder to give it to them; but this works counteractive in that I am draining myself to give them the best I can.  This is weighing heavily on me and I can't go to sleep tonight.

My next shoot is January 18-19 in Melbourne, and then January 27 in Kissimmee.  After that, we will be shooting February 12 and 13 - location to be determined.  I hope I can shake this melancholy soon.  A lot of work needs to be in done and I don't have the time to be out of it.

1/9/2011 4:06:47 PM

thank you thank you thank you to everybody who asked how the shoots went.  for those who didn't ask but want to know, they went GREAT!  except for the very last one. 


we did a lot of bdsm and fetish in the last two days and of course those are my favorite!  and my photographer, who calls himself a freak, was in his glory as he was directing and simultaneously shooting me and another submissive female getting sexually dominated, spanked and otherwise tormented by a male.  that was a hoot.  i did some ball busting, trampling and facesitting in exchange for some bdsm content with a guy who is making a living on clips4sale with his ball busting store.  i shot with a great black guy who flogged me, paddled me, spanked me and then fucked me raw.  


also did some fetish shoots like cigar smoking (cough cough cough) and foot worship, toes, feet, shoes, pantyhose, thigh highs, upskirts....


but the last shoot....OMG.  i know EB, a new stunt cock who found me here on CM,  is reading this and it makes me cringe even more because i know he is remembering what happened.  let me say that this was the most embarrassing shoot i've ever done in my life, and that's the stuff that was off camera.  on camera was hardcore anal fucking, pussy fucking, hard spanking, extreme gagging, retching and at one point, a partial sticky roman shower due to rough forced deep throating.  my makeup was destroyed within five minutes of the shoot.  i am too mortified to say what happened off camera, but i'll just say latex gloves and several towels were needed.  but yes, everything, and i do mean EVERYTHING, came out ok in the end.  and the money shot in the form of a facial was hot, to say the least. 


'nuf said.


Mistress Trysta is in residence now, and between two solid days of shooting and already seeing clients, i am exhausted, and am off to bed.  tomorrow is an early morning of beating some ass.  


hope everyone is having a good weekend. 



1/7/2011 6:01:18 AM

and now, the mayhem begins.  i'll be out of commission for the next few days, maken' da porn.

wishing everyone a fucktabulous weekend.


1/5/2011 11:43:51 AM

ok, two out of two.  so far so good.  and nope, i'm not going into any further detail.  ;-)  at least not now.

for all those who have asked, yes, there is a digital version of big butt magazine where you can see all the XXX photos of me and read my article.  i do not get one dime from your subscription, i just got a flat fee for the shoot.  so i hope you enjoy it, but please don't join thinking it will benefit me financially directly.  i have my websites for that, LOL!

for some reason, CM isn't allowing the full website URL so you must manually type in a period and then j and then an s between /index and p?offercode.




1/3/2011 8:19:39 PM

i will never, ever, EVER go past olde town in kissimmee and not get goosebumps and smile a big smile.  and that's all i'm gonna say :-)))

1/3/2011 2:11:25 PM

everybody who said they would like to shoot with me this weekend, if you emailed me at the email address i requested you to, you should have an email from me with information.  time slots are really going quickly so please pick yours asap.


thank you!

1/1/2011 9:59:44 AM

this past year i've been learning a lot about the metaphysical way of looking at things vs. the christian viewpoint i was taught all my life.

it's been quite an eye opener.

but it's one thing to read about it, and think about it, and quite another thing to EXPERIENCE it.

yesterday was one of those times for me that i was able to experience it in a way that will forever stay in my memory, and maybe even change my life.

i've been working with tantra quite a bit the past two years, but it usually has been with a m/f dynamic or a m/f/f dynamic.  i rarely get to do it in a f/f setting. 

last night i went to sir steffan's dungeon for his swingers/bdsm new year's eve party.  the energy was absolutely, positively, incredible.  there was a poly family there and i could tell immediately that there was a massive amount of positive sexual energy exuding from them.  so that right there made the party dynamic a charged atmosphere.

i have had bad experiences going to the local bdsm dungeons in florida whether as a single, or as a couple, because of the horrible problem of cliques.  those who are accepted into the cliques perhaps do not remember what it is like to go somewhere for the first time, and feel awkward and out of place because the majority of people are in their own clique.  i have been told all year long that i am not the only person who feels this way and who has experienced this.  more and more i hear, "yeah, i went there, and i will never go back...." and it is always because of the cliques.

the reason i love sir steffan's so much is because there are no cliques there.  it is small, it is intimate, and sooner or later, you will have opportunity to be near every person there.  striking up a conversation is an easy matter.  and most people there are easy to talk to, and happy to talk.  newcomers are welcomed with open arms.  it's no wonder that most people come back.  and come back again.  and again.  because there is a sense of COMMUNITY.  this has been the case for the 10+ years i've been going there.

i feel that if the florida dungeons want to break away from the stigma of cliques, they will need to build community.  the owners, the staff, the DMs, and the ATTENDEES OF THE PARTIES, need to build community.  when you go up to the buffet table, is it really that difficult to say, "hi, my name is _______, welcome!  glad to meet you!"  sometimes that's all it takes to make a person feel comfortable and welcome.  but if you are too wrapped up in your group, you won't even notice that newbie right there next to you, whom you could welcome and perhaps change the outcome of their life!  i feel it is up to the owners to acknowledge the problem, and address the problem.  and i hope they do.  for their sakes, for the florida bdsm community's sake, and for the sakes of all the patrons, especially the newbies who need a safe place to watch, learn, grow, and experience.

but i digress!!!

back to sir steffan's dungeon last night.  there was great energy, and like i said in my prior journal entry, i needed to get grounded spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically.  within minutes of arriving, i was already feeling a peace...such a deep peace.  those who know me well know i HATE going to parties alone.  but i never felt alone there last night, not once.  it was blessedly blissful!

there was a couple there - he was a regular, she was a newbie to EVERYTHING.  i cannot go into detail here because i don't want to break something that was private and intimate, but i can say i experienced something spiritual with her === it turned out to be more of a spiritual encounter vs. a physical encounter.  whether there was a penis or a pussy, whether a person is male or female, whether there is softness or hardness, in the spiritual realm, IT DOESN'T MATTER.  it is ALL sexual energy.  it is ALL divine.  it is ALL sacred sexuality.  the body parts don't matter.  the thought process that a male vs. a female engages doesn't matter.  it transcended the physical and went to the spiritual level. 

i am still reeling from it, and grasping the significance of it. 

that is why i hate homophobia.  i hate it when bisexual men are looked down upon, either by other men, or women.  the genitalia you have in this body ultimately doesn't matter.  it's your spirit that ultimately matters.  we may not all be male. we may not all be female.  but WE ARE ALL SPIRIT!

there's so much detail i'd love to share, but because of the intimate setting, it would be sharing something too personal and i don't want the other people's privacy to be violated.  but i will say this.  i will be forever grateful to them for giving me the honor and privilege of joining them in their exploratory journey together, it made a huge impact on me.

i went there last night expecting nothing.  i knew i would be meeting new people.  i knew i would be in a safe, comfortable place.  i was hoping for more birthday spankings (which i did get :-))))) and i was hoping to share some sexual energy.  but i never ever dreamed it would take such a turn and make such an impact on me.

sir steffan came up to me and took my face between both of his hands and said, "wow, if i could capture your face right's been so long since i've seen you glowing like this!"  the credit for that glow totally goes to that couple, and the exchange they allowed me to facilitate.

my tantra mentor believes in having her clients RECEIVE.  she is the giver, they are the receiver in a session.  they have no "job" or "performance" to do whatsoever.  they are just there to put their brain on hold, and just feel, experience, submit to the journey, lean into the moment, and embrace it.  and last night i was able to put myself in the role of the facilitator and let this couple just be there, be present in the moment, enjoy, relax, and let it all go.  they were amazing, incredible, delightful, and it was all so soft, with loving intent and in an honoring way. 

i will never forget this new year's eve and am so grateful to have been a part of it.  what an incredible way to begin the new year.  i believe 2011 is going to be an extraordinary year!  so far, so good!

12/31/2010 9:39:08 AM

going to sir steffan's NYE party tonight.  could have went to the phoenix club's shindig or the woodshed's shindig or elsewhere, but i need to be grounded mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically tonight, so i'll be going to my "home dungeon." if you are curious and would like to attend his parties.  i've been going for over a decade and it's like family.


wishing everyone a safe and happy new year.  may your 2011 be the best year for you yet.  may your wishes come true.  may your desires be fruitful and bring you joy as they are fulfilled.  may you be prosperous in your relationships, your finances, your life's purpose, your vocational endeavors, your health, and in whatever area you need to expand and grow.


i hope near the stroke of midnight i will be sharing a kiss with those i love, and being flogged, paddled, spanked, and otherwise dominated by those who are pure of heart and true. 


i hope this year i will be able to give even just a portion back to those around me and who love me, just a fraction of what they've given  me throughout 2010.  


i am grateful that 2010 brought me a photographer that has made it possible to kick ass in the bbw amateur porn industry.  i hope that 2010 brought you something that was close to your heart's desire and that you are grateful for it.


i am grateful that 2010 brought me more spiritual awareness through the encouragement of my tantra mentor who is an amazingly incredible woman, unlike no other.  i hope that 2010 brought someone into your life who changed you irrevocably for the better, and that your spiritual life grew exponentially.  


i am grateful that 2010 brought me closer to loved ones as i was able to further remove barriers from my past, and work through grief and the guilt of my many failures.  i hope 2010 brought emotional and mental healing to you in whatever capacity you needed it.


i am grateful to ring in 2011 with hopes, dreams and wishes for an even better year than 2010, which, even through this dismal economy, was still a great year in many other ways. 


and that is what i wish to you for 2011 - that you may realize your deepest, fondest and most desired hopes, dreams and ambitions. 


12/30/2010 10:40:44 PM

ok, there's been at least a dozen of you guys who have said you want to shoot with me in tampa, january 7 and 8.  i gave you an email address and asked you to send me an email so i can get you on my "stunt cock list."  i've only gotten emails from two of you.  come on, guys, step up to the plate.  men of their word earn my respect.  not to mention, get pussy!



12/29/2010 9:25:05 PM

it's official!

sammie february 2011 big butt magazine cover

12/28/2010 7:22:10 AM

someone who knows me too well messaged me and said, "who do you think you're fooling?  you could never date someone for six months and not have sex."

damn, i hate it when he's right.



12/26/2010 7:48:26 PM

i think in order to weed out those looking for a one night stand, i will no longer have sex with someone unless we've dated for six months. 


not that there's anything wrong with one night stands.  i've had tons of them in my lifetime, and continue to have them because of my work in porn.  but i am ready for more on a personal level. wanna fuck?  either sign up to do a shoot with me, or wine and dine me for half a year.

and inbox goes silent....

it's ok...i'll enjoy the peace and quiet.  :-)

and no, emailing for six months does not count.


12/26/2010 9:35:57 AM

good morning. i am still recovering from christmas and my birthday. time spent with family was beautiful and it was bittersweet because my oldest will be moving to oregon after the first of the year.  we had eggnog and rum and prime rib and salmon and tons of side dishes and opened presents and reminisced of childhood memories and drove around to look at christmas lights and listened to christmas carols. 


today is very cold again in my little fortress and it's time to crank up the heater.  tonight it will get down to 26 degrees.  i passed up a lovely steak dinner with a dear friend tonight because i just cannot take this cold anymore.


i'm seriously thinking of moving to arizona.  sedona just won't get out of my brain, i loved it there so much.  i am tired of the 100+ heat index in the summer here, and now for three years in a row (maybe more) it's been below freezing here.  this is not why i moved back to florida 12 years ago. 


i was supposed to play today but my play partner came down with flu, and perhaps it's for the best.  i will be home tonight making sure my kitties don't freeze their pretty paws off tonight.


hope everyone had a wonderful holiday and are recuperating and gearing up for new years eve next weekend! 


i plan on going to sir steffan's NYE party.  i need to be at my "home dungeon" this year.



12/23/2010 10:32:51 PM

i cooked a total of nine, yes, nine side dishes today and finished cleaning up the kitchen, wrapped presents and signed cards.  tomorrow (or actually, today) is going to be a wonderful feast with family.

but as of right now, now i am in a very....unusual situation where i am able to test and be sure that my profession to be poly is still true.  at this very moment, i know it is.  and that makes me very happy.

but i can't get something else out of my head.

i saw a few clients in kissimmee early this week and two of them really stuck in my head.

when you think of a professional dominatrix, do you think of just someone dressed in a sexy fetish outfit, wielding a whip and making someone grovel at her feet?  if so, i hate to burst your bubble but it's not all like that.


most of my clients are regulars who see me time after time after time after time, on a pretty regular basis.  we get to know each other well and nine times out of ten, they ask me for advice about things in their life.

one particular client said, "i love spending time with you because you are the most refreshing, open, honest person i have ever met."  i just looked at him for a moment and said, "you mean the people in your life are not open and honest?"  and he said, "no!"  i replied, "then you just don't have the right people in your life."

i wasn't saying that to be a smart ass.  i really meant it.


i was once in his shoes.  but now, i refuse to live like that.


each of us has the power in some instances to actually choose who is in our life, and who is not in our life.  if we choose to surround ourselves with people who are negative, who bring us down, who lie, who keep facades and masks and defensive barriers, then we cannot complain that we do not have honest, open people in our lives.  it's a choice. 

several years ago i went through the very painful process of examining each and every person in my life, and started winnowing away those who were negative or destructive to me.  people who had the habit of lying to me were cut out after they were given chances to come clean.  they didn't come clean.  it was very painful to sever them out from my life. was one of the best things i have ever done in my life.  it is a completely different way to live when you choose to surround yourself with positive and honest people after living a life being brought down by those who are dishonest and negative.  it is freeing, and you can grow, and learn, and become a better person. 

i've been told by people who haven't talked to me in quite a while, "wow, you sound so HAPPY!"  and that is because i AM happy!  but i have made drastic steps and have made painful choices to get myself here.

every so often the depression rears its ugly head, but i am learning to meditate through it, and express gratefulness and gratitude for all i have.  that helps a lot.  and so does surrounding myself with like-minded people.

and my client needs to do that as well.  it's not easy.  it is sad to say goodbye to some people.  but in the end, you must do what is best.

another client has a person in his life that can only be described as toxic.  this woman uses him, lies to him, and makes a fool out of him with her games.  yet he comes back and does her bidding time and time again, even though it frustrates him, angers him, and is detrimental to his health.  he has to wear a mouth guard at night now because he is grinding his teeth in his sleep over this and is now on high blood pressure medication.  once again, he is choosing to allow her to do this to him.  he will sit and tell me all the consequences of his actions, and pay me good money to do it, and i just shake my head and remind him that he has chosen to keep her in his life, and he needs to take responsibility for his choice, or remove her from his life.  every time, he nods his head and says, "yes, yes, i know..." and yet nothing changes.

i wonder where i would be right now if i didn't take responsibility for my choices, and didn't make changes.  sometimes i honestly think i would have killed myself by now.  that's not an exaggeration.  i am forever grateful to my tantra mentor for all the help she has given in helping me realize i can CHOOSE the people in my life, and i can CHOOSE to live in positive ways, or i can choose to be miserable!

and now, i am going to go comatose for a while, and get some sleep before christmas eve festivities begin!

happy holidays!

12/23/2010 8:54:59 AM
am back home for the day - my alter ego had some WONDERFUL sessions in kissimmee and i love to send my clients off to their families with a spring in their step and a red ass hidden under those khakis :-)

today i am cooking seven side dishes for christmas eve dinner to go with the main dish of prime rib which my sister is going to prepare. 

wishing everyone a wonderful holiday and hoping all your holiday wishes come true.

i'll be away from a computer for a few days but will answer your mail when i return.

christmas kisses,

12/22/2010 11:26:51 PM
i have now lost three bluetooths in a row.  because of this, i have no choice but to assume my purse is eating them.

12/22/2010 6:31:00 AM
i played with someone last night who was not afraid to play with me as hard as i like.  plus, i know he wanted to go even farther but held off because i am so out of practice and my pain tolerance has atrophied.  it was quite lovely! 

12/21/2010 4:44:56 AM
so....did anyone see the celestial show?

so sorry i missed it.

i'd love to hear some eyewitness reports!

am packing and getting ready to housesit in kissimmee for a few days.  my alter ego has two clients to attend to....i just hope my back doesn't go out in the process.  it's still kind of wanky.  hopefully my tantra mentor's tempur-pedic bed will help. 

i am very nervous.  am meeting someone tonight for the first time from another bdsm social networking site.  normally i don't get nervous in situations like this. but this time i am.  don't know why. 

but we shall be sitting naked in the hot tub and sipping lake ridge winery's southern white by 6 pm tonight, so please send all your positive bdsm energy our way....

i am glad it won't be below freezing tonight - i hate leaving my kitties alone when it's so cold.  sunday we were all snuggled in my recliner - this recliner vibrates and the seat heats up.  so those two features were working away, and my three kitties were all on top of me, being their own radiators and purring, which caused vibrations on top of me.  the san francisco ballet's presentation was on PBS, and i was admiring their different twist on the traditional costumes, and before i know it, i couldn't stay awake even though i wanted to prop my eyes open with a toothpick.  i didn't even last through act I although i did wake up and see the arabian coffee dance in act II.  the kitties didn't see it either.  they were all laying with their heads up, eyes closed, doing what cats do.

i shall miss them tonight!

wishing everyone a happy, positive, productive day.

12/20/2010 7:44:14 PM
lots of stuff going on tonight.  be careful out there.

1.  winter solstice - the earth is furthest from the sun.  this makes us sluggish, like the signaling of hibernation.
2.  a lunar eclipse.
3.  but wait!  not just a lunar eclipse, but a TOTAL eclipse!  the moon should start turning to blood around 1:33 a.m. our time.  total eclipse at 2:40.  these both put extreme stress on the earth.  humans will be feeling this stress.  those who are creative and intuitive will be able to work that part of their brain the best right now.
4.  mercury is in retrograde.  this often fucks up communication.  this is the best time to be reflective and introspective.
5.  the ancient romans celebrated saturnalia around this time, sometimes lasting as long as seven days.  roles were reversed - masters served the slaves. 
6.  the ursids meteor shower is tonight.

i wish i could watch the blood moon and the eclipse tonight, but i am exhausted, in pain, and am going to bed.

i feel so old. i should be out at a drum circle.  or a pagan solstice ritual.  or a wiccan celebration. 

a very good friend took me out to an early dinner, then we went christmas shopping for my kids, then we went to wal-mart where i bought all the ingredients for seven side dishes for christmas eve dinner.  i am drained.

so instead of watching the free celestial show, I'M GOING TO BED!  :-(

hope you all can get out there and enjoy it.

12/19/2010 5:39:46 PM
had a great time last night at the party.  the hostess did something really great, and i wish other hosts/hostesses would do this, especially when i go to an event as a single - she introduced me to each and every person who went there.  what a concept!  it really made me more comfortable and it was nice to be able to address someone by name if we struck up a conversation later, and the ice had already been broken.  so hosts/hostesses - do your single guests a favor and INTRODUCE THEM AROUND!

the main birthday girl had a beautiful cake - seriously, it was one of the prettiest ones i have ever seen, and they also made a cake for me and one other december baby there.  it was beautiful!  all three of us got birthday spankings too.  i was so nervous.  i haven't played publicly very much this year at all - maybe three times?  and i wasn't really prepared.  my back was in a lot of pain from friday's and saturday's shoots.  so it was really a love/hate thing...i WANTED and NEEDED a spanking but was AFRAID to get one, heh heh.  but it all worked out fine.  i think everybody was pretty gentle on me.  and that's probably a very good thing considering i was tired and my back was hurting bad.

i was only able to stay three hours.  my back was just not happy whether i stood or sat.  and i was exhausted...i did nod off at the wheel a few times coming home but made it safe and sound.  i wanted to stop by a suite hotel on ulmerton on the way home because we may be using that hotel for shoots january 7 and 8 and i wanted to see what the rooms looked like so i could tell my photographer, but my car went into auto pilot and took me straight home without allowing any deviations to our route.

i didn't even take off my clothes - crawled into bed, turned on my sleeptime pandora station and didn't even make it one minute into the first song before i was dead to the world.  i woke up this morning, disoriented, cats nowhere in sight, and was shocked when i saw how late it was.  11 a.m.!!!  and by 4 pm i was asleep again in my recliner and just woke up again a bit ago.  i was soooo exhausted.  i feel SOOOOOO OLD!  i was supposed to go back to melbourne early this morning but i had to cancel that.  there was no way my back was gonna let me drive there again.

so...remember that rant i had a few posts ago about gas prices in orlando on semoran boulevard by the airport?  i called my tantra mentor because her son is a reporter at a TV station in orlando.  they are well aware of this and have been reporting on it off and on.  from what her son told her, the gas stations could get fined $1000 PER DAY.  here's the online link:   i really hate tourist traffic, but i feel sorry for the many of them that get ripped off like that. one guy in the video called it highway robbery, which is exactly what i said to my tantra mentor.  and the last article says the stations were already being cited.  if they still won't put up signs, that tells me they are making enough money ripping off people to make the $1000/day fine worthwhile.

on another note, i did a quick online of my bank account and was shocked because there was a lot less in there than i thought.  a bit of investigation showed it was all being eaten alive in gas (no, not at almost $5.00 a gallon on Semoron Boulevard!) and epass tolls! 

thursday, my alter ego Mistress Trysta came out to play with three subbie clients and drove to st. pete, then to land o' lakes, then to downtown tampa, and then all the way back home.  friday to melbourne, then saturday across the state  to largo and back home again.

the grand total? i drove 522 miles in three days.  no wonder my back is killing me more than usual! 

but every single mile and every single #$% epass toll was worth it.  i had a blast doing everything i did :-)  even if i did sleep away most of the day!

tomorrow starts a busy week but it will be all fun things again. 

i will be housesitting at my tantra mentor's house in kissimmee and already have three very much beloved clients signed up to see my alter ego from orlando, gainesville and jacksonville.  i'm really looking forward to seeing each of them - they are sweet souls.  i love my job(s)!

and remember....ONLY FIVE MORE SHOPPING DAYS TIL CHRISTMAS!  eeeekkkk!  i joined a secret santa group with a bunch of fellow webmodels and sent my girl some handmade gardenia soy candles and gourmet creme brulee coffee.  remember, gift-givers - don't give your recipients something YOU would want - give them what THEY would want!  personally, i hate coffee.  so don't send me coffee!  a new hyundai sonata and/or santa fe would be nice!  any color but white please.  and dark tinted windows.  that's not asking for too much, is it?

12/18/2010 2:20:10 PM
the melbourne shoots went great!  i'm very pleased and proud of the content we got.  am very pleased that more and more content is BDSM related.  last night i did a bondage/forced orgasm pictorial and video, yesterday afternoon i did a bondage sex scene including anal, and this morning i did a M/F/F domination scene.  all were pretty damn good if i do say so myself.  the others were just regular vanilla porn so i won't go into those ;-)

one wonderful man drove all the way up from fort lauderdale to shoot with me.  this was our second time shooting together and it was fantastic.  he was a porn virgin but has already shown an amazing grasp of what needs to be done, when, here and how. 

another wonderful friend from orlando drove all the way to melbourne to get me a fantastic two room hotel suite right on the ocean even though he was sick with stomach flu.  now THAT is a friend!

kept falling asleep at the wheel on the way home just now, though.  off to a party in largo, and hope i don't fall asleep on the way there, or on my way back.  may have to go home early, but i hope not.

looking forward to sleeping tomorrow - i am one tired porn slut.

really looking forward to my january 7-8 shoot in tampa.  should be pretty good!  you can be a part of it - message me for information.

12/14/2010 6:35:50 PM

just got off the phone with my photographer.  we are coming to the TAMPA BAY AREA january 7 and 8! 

all you bay area stunt cocks who said you'd shoot with me when i come to tampa, i'm taking you up on it!

yes, i am so excited i dressed up the post with pretty text, LOL!

12/14/2010 6:26:57 PM

i really hate it when people are too lazy or don't take the time to read my profile before they contact me. 

and then they get miffed when i say, "i answered that in my profile."

if you can't be trusted to be thorough and thoughtful in the little things, how are we supposed to trust you to be thorough and thoughtful with the big things?

(another sigh)

and then i get the reply, "oh, i did read your profile, but i just wanted to ask you that anyway to start a conversation."  sorry, but that just makes no sense whatsoever, and makes you come across as a little...socially impaired.

(yet another sigh)

hey...that's why i'm still single.  i'm just too damn picky!  i actually want a dominant man with intelligence!  silly me!

(smacks self on forehead with palm of hand and sighs the final sigh)

12/13/2010 11:15:30 AM
good news, there is now a waiting list for "stunt cocks" for this weekend's shoots, thank you to everyone who replied.  it will be fun and i do hope we can get it all accomplished in the short time we have. 

a lot of fun themes are planned - glory hole, double penetration, strap-on (F/f), interracial, romantic candlelit shower and bedroom, and anal play/rimming.  and that's not even including my solo shoots - cigar smoking, pantyhose/shoe/foot fetish, giantess/smothering fetish. 

i love my work!

i am kicking myself because i didn't get an efficient space heater while i was out yesterday.  this old one is not very good.  my room is 65 degrees and it is 48 outside.  so when it gets 26 degrees tonight, if i do the math, it equals one cold as fuck bedroom.  not even sure if there are any space heaters still on the shelves - i hear they are going pretty quickly.  this is just a freaky weather situation here in central florida.  i hate the cold.  always have.  always will.  i have on two pairs of socks and strong thick leather shoes and my feet are still cold. 

gearing up for christmas - still never really sure what to get people.  i tend to spoil the people i love all throughout the year so when christmas comes around, there really isn't anything on their wish list....well, that i can afford, anyway.  my raw vegan daughter wants a vitamix.  those start at $450.  (cough)

we are doing it different this year.  my family and i are celebrating christmas on christmas eve, and they are taking me out for my birthday on christmas day.  what they will find open on christmas day, i have no idea. but it should be interesting. 

my ex tried that in the past and all that was open was a denny's.  now i hear even those don't always stay open on christmas.  i'd be fine with an egg salad sandwich at 7-11, honestly.  after all these years, it doesn't really matter to me :-)

people have said all throughout the years how tough it must be to have a birthday on christmas but it's all i know.  and it's ok because i've really, really, REALLY overcompensated it with my kids' birthdays when they were little, LOL!  i lived vicariously through them :-)

12/10/2010 10:32:25 AM
had a fun time doing a holiday shoot with two fellow charms yesterday.  unfortunately, i had to leave for family obligations and couldn't shoot with the chocolate santa we had waiting in the wings dressed in nothing but red velvet boxers with fuzzy white trim.  oh well :-(  family first!!!

tomorrow i get to spank that cute little petite girl's ass for a photo and video shoot.  i love my job!

had a very nice trip with family although i regret i chose to sacrifice time with them to leave and get those two shoots done.  then my trip had to be shortened by over a day, so that was even less time with them.  it was so cold out, we really didn't do much but sit around and get some use out of my netflix account and watch movies through a game system but it was fun.

but it's nice to be home and crank up the heat and warm up with my kitties.  they were all curled on my recliner last night, burrowing into each other when I got home in the middle of the night.  i scooped them up, took them to my bed with flannel sheets, turned the space heater on HIGH, and snuggled down with them.  i slept TEN HOURS!

i'm so used to doing things all by myself that i don't know what it's like to have someone do things for me.  i was driving home in the middle of the night last night and was very tired when a fellow webslut called (some websluts have different working hours than normal people LOL!) and as we were completing our phone conversation, she said, "you sound really tired!"  and i was and told her so but said it was ok because i had a very strong cup of tea next to me and the caffeine would keep me awake. 

well, that girl stayed on the phone with me for 1.5 hours talking about stuff that i know she really didn't need to talk about, and it dawned on me after i got home and was unloading my car that she was doing that just to make sure i got home ok.  i thought that was so sweet of her, to help me like that without even asking.  i actually felt kind of uncomfortable, because i actually take pride in how independent i've become instead of being a needy submissive who is so unable to care for herself that she borders on codependency.  but she was being a true friend and i really appreciated that once it sunk into my head what she did.  just simple things like that really hit me hard with gratitude for the people i have in my life. 
may be going to a party tonight and tomorrow night, one in tampa, one in deland with my stuntcock/fuckbuddy from a few weeks ago.  a lot of driving.  but worth it. 

business announcement:  DECEMBER 17 AND 18 - shooting in Melbourne!  Need stunt cocks!  BDSM themes welcome!  PM me for information. There's not much time to waste on planning this, so you need to be on the ball and get back to me quickly.

personal announcement:  i need to be scened.  very badly.  i am very ungrounded and unfocused and out of balance.  i wasn't able to walk along the beach this trip because it was so fricken cold out.  i'm smudging and burning incense and burning candles and going through my mental clearing steps, but i can't even clear my mind well enough to really meditate.  there's just a whirling of thoughts that won't stop.  i remember after a very very intense and GOOD scene that peace i would feel, that stillness in my mind, and it's been so long since i've had a GOOD scene that brought me that.  i really need that.....bad.  any volunteers?  this is the only part of my life that i regret being single!

12/8/2010 11:09:06 PM
i snuck away from family today to shoot two different scenes.

the last scene was me dominating another female. 

in my personal life i am submissive when i am around a truly dominant man.  even sliding into slavehood when i am around a truly masterful man.  and that is how i like it to be.  i have no desire AT ALL to switch in my personal life.

but tonight i was actually shocked how much i was enjoying dominating this woman.  she was really enjoying it and totally going with the flow.  it was incredible.  i truly understand how tops feel when they are in top space.  it's quite a trip.

but as that high wears off, i'm still glad i am submissive.  the world just seems better to me when i am in my own skin and not trying to be someone i am not.

also did a m/m/f/f shoot.  very hot!

tomorrow i am shooting with two women and a chocolate santa :-)

then on saturday, in tampa, i am shooting with a very petite MILF.

i love my job!

saturday night, though, i'll be joining my fuckbuddy/stunt cock in north tampa to go to sir steffan's swinging party.  we'll be staying overnight by USF in one of the nice hotels there.  if anyone would like to meet us for breakfast on sunday in the USF area before i head back home, please give me a holler.

12/5/2010 5:52:47 PM
a very nice moroccan on here answered me and said the moroccan word is كرباج and he would translate it as karbasch.  however, i googled that and while i did see some whips, none of them are representative of the one in question.  so...the search continues!  it's actually kinda fun trying to hunt this down.

warning to all people getting gas by the orlando airport!  i went to shell gas station by the crowne plaza on 436 (semoran boulevard).  there was no sign near the roadside posting the gas price.  NONE.  i swiped my debit card and began the process of pumping gas when i saw the price, when i selected my grade of gas, was $4.94/gallon!  i kid you not!  so i canceled the transaction and drove across the street to some place called Suncoast Energies.  same thing - their gas was $4.94 a gallon!  a few miles down the road was a citgo and a 7-11 for the far more average price of $2.87/gallon. 

so if you are fueling up by the orlando international airport (MCO) BE CAREFUL!  look for posted signs by the road of the price, and make sure before you press your fuel grade that you aren't being a victim of HIGHWAY ROBBERY.

this concludes the good citizen report.


12/5/2010 7:45:11 AM
so my tantra mentor has been kidding me how i neglect her because i am always off having swinger fun or bdsm fun or adult amateur webmodeling fun, and so i was finally able to join her and a few fellow tantrikas last night.  we went to a greek restaurant that also had a lot of lebanese and moroccan food.  we had a great time, enjoying the energy, and watching one of our own do a belly dance (she dances every weekend there). 

we went into the gift shop and lo and behold, one of the fellow tantrikas, who knows of my love of all things bdsm, found a whip.  it's an authentic moroccan slave trader's whip.  i asked the lady if it was for sale, and she said yes.  i asked how much and she said $7.  i hid my incredulity and bought it.  i asked her what it was called.  she wrote the name on a piece of paper..."kerbaage".  i came home and googled it, but can't find any reference to it anywhere.  i've even PMed people from morocco on here but haven't heard back.  if anyone can please tell me possible names for this, i'd be grateful. 

it has an absolutely beautiful handmade ornate patterned wooden handle, with a black loop on the top to hang it.  the tail is a basketweave fall about 18 inches long with a leather strip at the end that is shaped like a decorative ceiling fan paddle.  i don't have a digital camera so i can't take a photo but i hope that description is sufficient to identify this.  thanks! 

12/2/2010 11:19:22 AM
I woke up this morning and checked my email to find that my best site's November earnings were directly deposited into my bank account, as usual.  However, the dollar amount was off.  WAAAAY off.  To my favor.  By a very, very large amount. 

Upon investigation, I found out that I won a 20% bonus for having the second best monthly sales increase amongst 755 other girls.  Needless to stay, I was stunned.  Then I cried.  Then I laughed.  Then I called my photographer/business partner and cried and laughed with him. 

I'm still on a high from that.  It's so wonderful to be rewarded for hard work.  And it was totally unexpected. 

I love my job.

The only bad thing is that the site won't allow hardcore BDSM content.  They are very conservative that way, which is understandable.  But frustrating.  Making BDSM porn is my passion.  Coming up soon I'll be releasing a video where three men dominate me over a spanking bench, then rough sex with all of them in the bedroom.  I'm hoping that site will allow it on there.  If not, it will have to go to my BDSM niche site. 

It still amazes me that a fat, baggy, saggy, old, cellulite-ridden woman can completely support herself making porn. 

Sending love to all the BBW lovers out there.

12/1/2010 10:23:16 PM
I am feeling very blessed to have a roof over my head, a warm bed to sleep in, and a nice toasty space heater, as the temps will be down to 37 tonight. 

Someone stole the heat in Florida, and they better give it back.  Quick!

Deciding which party I'm going to this weekend.  We are so lucky here....the choices in Central Florida are amazing.  It's nice to be living in the kinky capital of the Southeast.

My next shoot dates are December 17-18, either in Tampa or Melbourne, still to be determined.  If the boat comes through, it will be Tampa.  Otherwise, Melbourne.  If you'd like to be a part of them, please let me know.  Due to a scheduling conflict, the 10th and 11th shoots are canceled. 

If you'd like to follow me on twitter, I am at

Random thought:  Last year I bought a royal blue snuggie.  I like it.  But this year they have it in my favorite color, purple, as well as really kewl prints.  I should have waited! 

More random thoughts:  A surefire way to make me laugh at a totally inappropriate moment - wear tightie whities.  I'm sorry, but I just don't like them.  They are so unsexy.    And it always looks like a little boy is wearing them.  Boxers - better.  Boxer briefs - best.  Thongs - not on a man, unless he's a stripper or a male subbie.  Commando - unhygienic. 

And even more random thoughts:  I still don't get the droopy pants "show-your-underwear" trend.  It just looks stupid.  Pull up your dang pants!

And still more random thoughts:  I still get frustrated when people ask me questions that have already been answered, very clearly, in my profile.  And I'm not sure if that irritation will ever go away.

11/29/2010 6:17:30 AM

had a great thanksgiving with family and spent the rest of the weekend up in the ocala national forest.  beautiful!  best moment - going on an ATV in the middle of the forest at midnight, and seeing a gazillion stars up in the sky above us.  holding on tight while the driver took hairpin curves on slippery sugar sand.  freezing my legs off because i was wearing a miniskirt, but didn't care, even though i was sure my toes cracked off miles ago down the track.  hoping i didn't lose the four glasses of wine consumed earlier in the bar as i went over huge bumps in the track.  having a great time even though i lost five games of pool in a row. 

hope everyone had a great holiday weekend! 

it will be back to the grind for me soon.  have a weekend planned with my daughter at our old favorite vacation spot on an island in georgia, before she heads off to begin a new life in oregon.  gotta make da moolah to finance that little excursion!

did anybody get any good deals on black friday?  i was chasing bears in the woods that day!



11/24/2010 4:51:32 AM

Wishing everyone a happy Thanksgiving.

I'm going out of town for 13 days but I hope to pop in here occasionally to catch up on emails.

May your stuffing be tasty,
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy,
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious,
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner Stay off your thighs!

~ Anonymous

11/21/2010 12:35:47 PM

I am home.  I am exhausted.  I am exhilarated.  It was a great weekend.  Saw people that I knew in the BDSM community from ten years ago at the playparty in Deland.  Met a lady who I've been corresponding with on here for years for the first time that night, too.  It was wonderful!  I was scened by a fantastic male top and at least one female domme, I was in la-la land so I am not sure how many of the women were back there doing their thing.  And in the private room afterward - WOW!

We spent the night there and went out for breakfast at Cracker Barrel where I had a delicious breakfast with this orgasmic oat/cranberry/nut muffin and the standard bacon, eggs and their signature hashbrown casserole.  OMG!

Then we arrived late at Sir Steffan's party (long story) where my brains felt like they were literally fucked out.  Then dinner at Carabba's, and then a wonderful night at the Embassy Suites.  This morning, a full made-to-order breakfast came with the room and now I am feeling like a stuffed turkey. 

The company, the events, the activities - everything was great.  And now, I will go into a coma and catch up on my sleep!

This Wednesday is Sir Steffan's "Bi-Males and the Women Who Love Them" party.  I hope to go, even in the middle of cooking stuff for Thanksgiving the next day.  Would love to see some of you out there!


11/19/2010 12:25:57 PM

Even though I spent most of the day crying and couldn't do any work, I have a lovely evening.  It was a rough day because it was the first anniversary of my dad's passing.  I cried with my sister, my brother, my cousin, my ex, my daughter...everyone who called me to talk about the significance of the day and his passing. 

But I went out on a date with an extraordinary man late last night. It started out rough because I started crying, AGAIN, at the restaurant's bar, but things got better really quick.

We went to Kobe's Japanese Steakhouse and opted for the hibachi seating.  I love going to Kissimmee and people-watching all the people from different countries that are visiting MickeyWorld.  We sat with two other locals, plus a group of Brazilians and Colombians.

Started off with soup, then salad, and then egg fried rice with chicken.  I was already getting full.  But we weren't even anywhere near done with the food.

The chef kept us entertained with tricks and jokes as he made our food right there.  My date ordered the lobster, steak and shrimp combo with huge noodles.  It was scrumptious.  I have a huge plateful in my fridge for leftovers which I will be enjoying in a bit. 

They asked if we wanted, I couldn't even think about dessert after all that delectable food.  We had consumed a few wines in the bar before we were seated, and my glass was kept full the entire two hour dinner.  After dinner, my date asked me what I would like to do next?  Dancing?  Something else?  As he kissed me, that huge bulge I felt against my groin pretty much sealed the deal.  Across the street was a Holiday Inn Express.  Of course I said yes.  And not because of all the wine.  There was huge chemistry between us.  The sex was incredible.

It was a perfect way to end a day that was very very difficult for me. 

We are going out again tonight to a swingers/bdsm house party in Deland, and again tomorrow to my favorite dungeon/swinger's house party in North Tampa ( and then spending the night at Embassy Suites.  Both party places have hot tubs, my back is excited at the thought of warm jets currenting around therapeutic hot water two nights in a row.   

I don't think anything will become serious out of all of this with him.  He is going through his own serious issues right now, and so am I.  We are not looking for a relationship.  But it's nice to meet in the middle of it all and have a few blissful hours of forgetfulness thanks to exquisite sensations, with someone who you truly enjoy being with.  It's effortless enjoyment. 

I have upcoming shoots in Tampa December 10-12 if anyone is interested in shooting with me.

And I am spending a bit more time on Niteflirt, saving up money to take my daughter to a very special place for a weekend, where we used to spend one month per year at a beachhouse on the ocean in Southern Coastal Georgia back in the good ole days before I left my ex, before she moves across the country after the holidays.  If you would like to help contribute to the cause, you can call me at 1-800-TO-FLIRT ext 0674-617 or call me through the call buttons at

Wishing everyone a wonderful, sensual, sexy, stress-free, wickedly delightful weekend!

11/18/2010 9:35:46 AM

One year ago today my father passed away.  I still miss you and love you, daddy.

11/15/2010 10:54:20 AM

Met some interesting people all last week who answered a personal ad on another site.  Geez, I was seeing one to two people per day in a public setting, usually over dinner.  At that rate, I could have easily gained 50 lb in no time.

Out of all of them, only one really piqued my interest.  It's official - I'm definitely getting picky in my old age.  I didn't go home with any of them.  Even Mr. Intriguing.  We are going out on our second date this week.  He was a bit shocked when I told him what I do for a living, but I'm assuming he recovered since he wants to go out again. I'm going out for the second time with a few more but mostly as friends more than anything. 

Did a fun modeling gig for John and Starla at  I think the photos are up in the "New Items" section.  One neat thing was a box where I lean over while I'm kneeling down on my knees and my head is enclosed inside the box.  The rest of your body is left wide open for play.  Amazing!  It was quite an incredible feeling!

They let me have a new piece called "The Exposer."  I LOVE IT!  Go check it out and you'll see what I mean.  Most of the photos were taken with a petite girl, but they included at least one photo of me on it to show that even us plus sized girls can be rigged up in confined ways!

Being single does suck sometimes.  My pro-domme clients will get more use out of that than I will.  I'm jealous!  Starla said she is getting a lot of response from the photos on .  I hope it's a huge seller for them!

Life is good, business is doing fantastic.  A video released a few weeks ago is still on Southern-Charm's daily, weekly and monthly top 20 video sales list! I'm very proud.  It's always affirming to me, to know that I can make a living in porn even though I'm old, saggy, baggy, cellutlite-ridden and fat!!!!

My best selling site is if you're interested in perving my porn.

Lots more going on, but too rushed to type it all.  Wishing you a delightful day, a wonderful week, and a beautiful bounty of blessings!


Do you twitter?????  Follow me - sammieSC2!

11/11/2010 6:05:51 AM

Went on another first date last night.  Declined sex again.  Am I getting more mature?  Picky?  Or just frigid?


On another note, happy Veteran's Day to all the Vets.  Our country may not be the best, but I am free to make my living in a way that would get me executed in my father's swimming pool in other countries.  Thank you to every single one of you who make our freedoms possible.


Today's daily affirmation:  I embrace positivity and reject all forms of negativity in my life.  Thank you, universe, for blessing me with your abundance!

11/9/2010 7:32:36 AM

right before i went into hiding, i shared in my journal that i started working with a new photographer. 

i updated most of my photos on here to show some of our recent work. 

we shoot every week all throughout central florida.  if you'd ever care to join me in a photo or video shoot, i'd love to have you.  we are enjoying meeting wonderful people all over florida who come to shoot with me.  guys have traveled as far as atlanta, jacksonville, the panhandle, and miami to shoot with me!

my sales have gone through the roof and i am loving every moment of it.

the photos of me in the jacuzzi and me sitting with the fishnet bodystocking - those may appear in the 2011 february issue of big butt magazine.  i was chosen to be on the cover of it along with a full pictorial inside.  it should be showing up at your local adult bookstore anytime around the end of december 2010.

yes, i will sign your copy :-)

the last photo of me with the dirty feet?  that is for a very special friend on here who has been following my southern-charms website almost since the beginning, and indirectly introduced me to two of my very best friends in the whole wide world.  you know who you are and i will always be grateful to you ;-)


11/7/2010 8:30:36 PM

i went out on a date tonight and had a very nice time.  there was no sex.  that is so rare for me.  i don't know whether to be disappointed or proud.

10/28/2010 10:01:59 AM

the ink is drying...patience, patience....

10/26/2010 10:19:01 PM

slowly coming out of hiding.  i had good reason for my disappearance.  will explain late next week.



5/7/2010 10:33:11 AM
i am very pleased!  today my first photo update with my new photographer went "live".  the content was interracial and i am receiving fantastic feedback as well as sales!

unfortunately, the video was not allowed to go live.  the BBC "stunt cock" came in the condom, pulled out of me, ripped it off, and poured it on my belly.  HOT!!!  but the website said we are not allowed to post any videos that show any other use of a condom than being used on the penis for sex. 


so my photographer is editing it and will re-upload, it should go live tuesday.  two day delay!  damn it!

that really sucks...i was hoping to have a lot of weekend sales :-(

i'm off to the pow wow over in dade city.   103F degree heat index today....i'll probably wither and melt into the ground.

i may break away tomorrow to go to an industry meet and greet over in davenport to hopefully network and make some new business contacts.

stay cool, everyone!  have a great weekend!

5/3/2010 12:58:47 PM
come on over here, lil whippersnapper.  let your mama and papa get those chores done so we can head out to the church social tonight, alrighty?

have a seat.  there ya go.  wanna cookie?  sure ya do.  go on, try one.

yummy, ain't they?  yup...i remember back in my day, when i made these by the hundreds.  we had a bunch of troops overseas where the conditions were horrible.  horrible, i tell ya.  so a friend recruited me and a bunch of women to bake cookies for the troops every month.  it was a fine cause.  those emails and photos from the troops happily munching on those cookies brought tears to my eyes, i tell ya.  we couldn't send chocolate chips ones like this cookie sirree.  they would have melted all over.  but peanut butter...and sugar...and oatmeal raisin...oh yes, we sent those over by the boxfuls. 

who were these ladies?  well, if you're really interested, i'll show you on that fancy internet ya got there, their webpage.  we always needed more women to help out but things were so busy back, family, balancing all that was quite the juggling act.  in my opinion, things were much too rushed and for all that technology that we got to make things easier for us, things just got more complicated, if you ask me!

anyway, you don't have to worry about that now, now that we are livin' in the enlightened era with no more war.  our leaders find more civilized ways to come to understandings.  what a lucky boy you are, not have to worry about being drafted off to war.  you read about it in school, didn't ya?  well there ya go.  yes, there really was such thing as PTSD for the returning soldiers.  there were some things those cookies we sent just couldn't help....

so anyways, i was gonna tell ya story about my cats.  yes, my cats.  don't you "oh no, not again, grandma!" me!

yes, i know i've told you hundreds of stories about my cats.  but seein' how you're sitting there with your BB gun, i thought i'd tell ya another one.  cuz i don't want you taking that BB gun out and shooting at some squirrel or some bird just for fun.  ya hear me?  use a tin can for goodness sakes.  what's a tin can, ya ask?  oh...never mind.  how about a plastic bottle?

anyways, out of all my cats, mama cat seemed to be the one who loved to hunt the most.  she would be out at night prowling around with those eagle eyes of hers, and would come in and take a little cat nap, then out she'd go again.  yup, she brought me lots of presents in her time.  cardinals, hummingbirds, sparrows, bluejays, lizards...lots of lizards...several times a week.  you'd think my bed was a graveyard, for pete's sake.  yes, the bed.  she dragged them into the living room, or right on my bed.  sometimes they would still be alive when they got to my bed, and i would be right there to witness the kill.

a lot of people told me i should scold her.  but this was a cat.  that's what a cat does.  and besides, she ate whatever she caught.  well, most of it.  it was never fun cleaning up the remains.  but they were small and all i had to do was pick it up with a plastic bag over it and throw it away.  what's a plastic bag, you ask?  well, before we switched to all-fabric shopping bags, we had these thin bags called plastic bags.  we would recycle them, but they were not very environmentally friendly.  yes, that's why we switched to fabric bags.  but anyways, back to the story.

the little critters were quickly killed and eaten.  it was pretty gross.  GROSS.  G-R-O-S-S.  you never heard that word???  well, gross meant...yucky.  oh good, you know what that word is.  ok then.

anyways, they were small and quickly eaten, and my attention span was the length of a pinhead and....pinhead?  you never heard of that either?  a pin is used in sewing.  you've never sewn?  you're kidding me!  never?  you don't know how to sew on a button?  oh my...i need to talk to your mother, don't i?  well, after our story we'll mend that problem....hah hah...get it?  mend that problem? don't get it?  well, never mind, honey.

anyways, one night there i was on my computer...yes, we DID have computers back then, ya little smart aleck!  one more crack like that and you don't get any more cookies!  here...try a snickerdoodle.

anyways, i was on my computer checking all my emails for a whole week cuz i was out of town.  i was on there for quite a while and i saw three tails on the bed.  mama kitty, zoe, and what i assumed was sushi's tail.  sushi was a black and grey striped tabby.  his tail was different than the other two's.  and the cats would play with each other right there on my bed, so i didn't think anything of it when i saw three tails swishing back and forth, and saw them wrestling like they usually do.

until i heard the crunch. 

yes, crunch.

now you gotta remember this was about 4 a.m. in the morning.  have you ever been up at 4 a.m. in the morning, little whippersnapper?  you have?  and what did you hear?  that's right.  not very much.  oh you hear a song bird out there maybe, right before daybreak.  but that's about it. 

so this crunch was LOUD.  and....oh geez, i still get tears when i think of it....i noticed the striped tail stopped moving. 

i couldn't move.  i thought mama killed her son.  i couldn't bear to look.  couldn't fathom the thought that my sushi was gone. 

and then another CRUNCH.  louder.  stronger.  harder. 

before i knew it, i felt like i was gonna hurl.  hurl.  H-U-R-L.  well, hon, that means you feel like you're gonna throw up.  what do you youngfolk call that today?  upchuck?  wow, how come upchuck stayed around but hurl didn't?  oh well.

anyways, i knew i had to do something.  so i made myself move and i looked over my duffel bag and finally saw what was going on.  for the past half hour, my cats were not playing.  no indeed.  for the past half hour, mama kitty was torturing a.....


yes, a squirrel.  no, i have no idea where sushi was.  still don't, to this day.  but i know where that squirrel was.  right there on my new bedspread, being murdered.

now i have often thought about this over the years.  what could i have done to save that poor lil squirrel? 


that squirrel was dead even before it hit the catdoor, because, ya see, mama kitty was quite the huntress.  once she got something, it never got away from her.

so what do i do?  if i take the squirrel away, it's death would have been for nothing.  might as well let mama have the meal she earned with her hard work.

well, let me tell you.  a squirrel is much bigger than a hummingbird.  or a cardinal.  or a lizard.  and that meal took a lot longer for her to eat.  i saw her tear that poor thing's head off.  yes, i mean it.  she severed the head.  entirely.  i sat there and tried to focus on my work while hearing the sounds and seeing her movements through the corner of my eye. 

you know how your dog over there does with the bones we give him?  he kinda half closes his eyes in ecstasy...ecstasy means, "LIKE WOW, this is FANTASTIC!"  right, just like how you felt when you got your first game system!  anyways, he closes his eyes and lovingly eats that bone like it is the best darn thing he's ever had in his life?

well that's what mama kitty was doing with this squirrel.  she was acting like a school girl in love with this squirrel's neck.  crunch...chew chew chew chew chew...pull...pull...shake her head back and forth with flesh in her teeth...crunch...chew chew chew....eyes half closed...each movement slow and deliberate and in ecstasy...

finally, i couldn't take it anymore.  i just couldn't.  the meal i ate last was about to come out the wrong end, and i was just about to shoo mama kitty away and give the poor victim a decent ending when mama kitty's tummy decided she had too much squirrel for dinner. 

yes, she UPCHUCKED all over my bedspread.

honey, you're laughing?!?!

i don't know which was worse.  the remains, or the eaten remains.

sonny boy, you have got a weird sense of humor, yanno that?  you are laughing your butt off at some poor squirrel's demise!  let me tell you, it wasn't funny!  no, it wasn't!

oh i cannot BELIEVE my own grandchild thinks this is so hilarious! 

well, i had to clean it up, that's what happened next!

well, no, hon, surprisingly, there was no blood except for two streaks.  but the squirrel's two pieces...and all the throw-up.  oh gawd, i can still remember it just like it happened a few days ago!

how was i gonna clean this up?  what would i use?  well, i got a broom and a scooper, but i couldn't bear to sweep it up into the scooper.  just couldn't bear it.  yes, i had on latex gloves, dear, thanks for asking.  at least your mama taught you to be clean!

why did i have latex gloves?  well, there was a pack right next to me in my black toyba.....errr....i mean, suitcase.  i just got back from bein' out of town, it was the middle of the night, i hadn't unpacked... why did i keep latex gloves in my suitcase, you ask?  well....let's just say your grandma likes to be prepared for everything!  you're too young to know all about that...but in a few years, ask me again.

anyways, after finally deciding on using plastic bags...remember, those bags i told ya about earlier?...i put a plastic bag on the body, and picked it up and threw it into another open one.  the tail was so long, it didn't fit underneath the plastic bag and i could see it as i threw the body away.  i could taste that night's dinner in my throat.  i didn't look as i wrapped another bag around the throw-up, and scooped it all up into the bag.  i had to look to make sure i got it all, and i did. 

finally, the head was left.  i saw an open eye for about a millisecond....yes, we DID have the metric system back then, too, ya smart aleck!  didn't i warn you about that?  well, ok, you can have another cookie, but that's your last one, ya hear me?

well, i was doing good until.....

until two whiskers brushed my hand. 

that did it.

i threw up dinner into the bag with the rest of the remains. 

well, i got some laundry detergent and spot cleaned my bedspread, and washed my hands with antibacterial soap after i took the bag out to the garbage and put the can out by the street. 

yes, that's what we used to do with garbage.  that's back in the days when we had landfills, i know you read about them at school, right?  well ok then.

anyways, i had bad dreams that night.  dreams about upchuck, dreams about squirrel eyes, dreams about squirrel tails.  dreams about squirrel heads being separate from their bodies but still being able to move.  dreams about squirrel whiskers twitching in my hand.  dreams about...well, you get the idea, don't ya, hon?

so that's why i don't want you to go out and shoot animals with that dadnummit gun, ok?  animals should be killed to eat.  yes, i KNOW your mom and dad are vegetarians and i KNOW they don't eat meat.  but some of us do eat meat.  at least poor bambi dies and helps the food chain.  who is bambi?  ahhh never mind....

anyways, don't kill an animal for fun, ok?  if you HAVE to kill it, make sure there's a good reason, ok?  that's all i'm saying.

no, target practice is NOT a good reason, hon.  do you wanna have nightmares about bullet ridden squirrels, or what?  i didn't think so!  well, alrighty then! 

what did the neck look like?  honey, it was light brown fur wrapped around all pink meat.  no, i didn't see a spinal cord.  i have no idea where all that went.  i don't want to know where all that went.  i don't want to think about where all that went.  i only looked at that neck for a split second, but that's all it took for that to be indelibly etched into my brain.  indelibly...I-N-D...oh go look it up online!

what did it smell like? 

hon, i know you are a curious little boy, and i love ya for that, but grandma can't talk about that squirrel anymore, ok?  yanno that french toast your mama made for breakfast?  well, grandma is starting to taste it in her throat and....

yes, i know i look white, dear.

alrighty then, that's a good idea.  i think that old board there would make a fine target.

i'm so proud of you, honey.  you go off and have a good time, and for gawd's sake, be careful so you don't shoot your eye out!

YES!  just like mama warned her son in the Christmas Story!  you actually KNOW that movie???  good lord, there's hope for your generation after all!

(c) 2010 sammie

5/2/2010 12:01:10 AM
today i received a very nice email from a gentleman who reminded me...gently...that my previous posts of being drained and exhausted is just putting out exhaustion to the universe which will just come back to me.  he is absolutely right.

i am happy to say that even though i am extremely busy, and will be all this month, i feel like i have much more energy to deal with all that's coming up - the vast majority of which is work and family related. 

i'm very excited to be working with a new photographer whose work almost makes me want to scrap all the work i've done in the past five years.  i hired him as my business manager and we are meeting regularly for photo and video shoots.  i see pros and cons for having the same person do all the photography, production, and distribution, but i am going with my gut and i anticipate it will be a very prosperous move for both of us.

all our new work will start going up this week.  i'm really excited to see fans' and members' feedback.

he has worked with numerous other southern-charms, and i've seen firsthand how he has made them LOTS of money.  i am very, very blessed i have this opportunity to work with him on a regular basis, as well.

as soon as i get my hard drive unpacked, i'll be posting a few photos he's taken.

i spent a wonderful week with family.  absolutely wonderful. 

the month of may will be very busy.  it looks like i will only be home a total of ten nights this month!  but it's all good.

later this week i am going to a pow wow and stocking up on huge quantities of natural herbs for spiritual cleansing, and learning more about their beliefs.

also coming up is a three day shoot in umatilla with several other fellow southern-charms.

while i'm in town, i hope to be able to spend a few hours here and there with friends i've been neglecting.  starla keeps inviting me for a barbeque so i can see her screened-in koi pond and i'm dying to get over there for that!  i just hope i can get the time.

life is busy... but good!

4/9/2010 5:59:19 AM
i just realized that for the past two months in my journal, i've been saying, "i'm so tired...", "i'm exhausted...", "i have nothing left to give anybody...", "i'm drained...."

i was sitting outside on my porch last night munching on a sub that a dear friend brought over (before he fucked my brains out), and i was thinking out loud, wondering if i should do a trip to tampa for pro domme work in two weeks.  if i don't, i will have no other opportunity to do in-house pro domme work for the month of april.

he had the most serious expression on his face as he said, "sammie, i'm looking at you and i see you are EXHAUSTED."

for over two months now, i've been battling this exhaustion.  i don't know if it's physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, or a combination of all the above.

but something needs to be done.

i have a number of appointments where i go visit the client at their home or another location, in fact, one today and one tomorrow, so i am financially ok and will be fine.  and i am working on a location in orlando (but mum's the word on the location) but not doing a tampa trip in april will still be a big financial loss.  but my friend last night recommended i don't do it anyway, because my ankles are still not healed, and there are other medical problems with which to contend now, and i am just so run down.

my age is trying to get the better of me, and all these pesky bone and joint problems are making their presence known.  and the depression and all the other psychological challenges are always right there in view.

but i refuse to give up.

i know i need to do something to get grounded, centered, and refreshed.  i don't think i am ready to join my daughter in becoming an all-organic vegan, but certainly my diet could improve my energy level if i ate better.

i'm going to the space coast next week and i'm going to look into some all-natural things and make some little changes and see how that works.  key word - LITTLE.

speaking of which, if anyone on the space coast wants to meet for iced tea, give me a holler - especially if it's on the beach!  i'll be shooting videos and photo sets all day friday though.

tomorrow i am visiting another client, then i'm taking the above friend who blessed me with subs last night to crabby bill's again on the causeway for a sunset dinner.  really looking forward to that!  but he certainly knows that he will have to put out after dinner, heh heh heh!

and now i am off to go beat a subbie's butt in south st. petersburg, and spend the rest of the day in the tampa bay area attending to other people. 

life is good.

4/6/2010 8:40:52 PM
the confederate jasmine right outside my back bedroom door is blooming...i can smell the beautiful fragrance even through my stuffy snot-filled nose. 

last night i took a drive with a good friend and we went past an orange grove full of orange blossoms....

aaaahhhhh sweet scent!  intoxicating!

just a year ago, i moved to this place and it was all brand new - i remember taking a drive one of my very first nights here and smelling that delicious orange grove blossoming. 

it's hard to believe it's been over a year.  the time has truly flown by.

this past year i've learned a lot about myself, life and other people. 

my business has survived the economy.  no, i am not rich, but i live comfortably within my means, simply yet happily. 

i am still close to my family - and i feel even closer to my children than before. 

emotionally, mentally and spiritually i have made it through another year intact with no major breakdowns. 

physically, i can still walk, although it does get progressively more difficult to do so. 

i have made a few more wonderful friends that i am so truly grateful to have in my life. 

i have been given opportunities such as the ASEP conference and the sedona trip by a beloved mentor. 

i have many acquaintances, but only a few close friends, on purpose.  and those friends are top notch - they are THERE for me when i've needed them, not just when it's convenient.

i still have the same loyal clients who come see an old, fat, slow-moving woman who has to hobble around every time she comes into town, plus many new loyal clients this past year.

and i've learned that my pain tolerance is not what it used to be, but i still sure do love a great masochistic play session. 

and that even if a dominant/submissive relationship isn't right and hopefully both people are mature enough to be able to let that part go and remain friends, you can still have GREAT sex and GREAT bdsm scenes :-)

and i still love to dance around a campfire under a full moon in the middle of the woods.  just as long as it's not oak pollen season ;-)

there are plenty more good things that have happened in the past year, but i won't bore you...

and my kitties are still right beside me here, two on one side, one on the other, purring with contentment.

as soon as i get some legal things cleared away, and get treatment for some new physical problems that have cropped up, i really do believe that i will be content as well.  perhaps even enough to purr  :-)

so as i breathe in another phlegm-filled lungful of confederate jasmine perfume from the bush around the corner, through my mucus-ridden nostrils, i cannot help but think -

life is good!

4/4/2010 8:30:20 AM
i've been bored laying here for days with nothing better to do than cough up phlegm, blow my nose (already gone through two boxes of tissues), wipe away tears from watery i decided to read other people's journals and profiles.

i don't usually have a lot of time to just sit on the internet for recreational purposes.

so this was an eye-opener.

i don't mean to be pissy here, but do people really attract others with all the negativity oozing out of their profile?

i understand that we all have bad days.  or weeks.  or maybe even months.  but is anyone really attracted to someone who is negative, negative, negative?  or "oh woe is me, poor me, sad, sad me..."

i know i am a hypocrite for saying this, because i have been guilty of it myself.  but when i've re-read my own negative entries later, i think to myself, "oh my gawd, what a pitiful, whiny, insecure person i can be!"  i have been tempted to delete these entries, and i may have deleted one or two that have utterly disgusted me later because of the overwhelming PITY PARTY, but for the most part, i've let them stand because i want to remind myself of how utterly unattractive it is (and how utterly unattractive *i* am!) when people emit this type of energy.

there probably are drama queens and storybook princesses who think that their white knight in shining armor will read their profile and jump to their rescue and save them from their life of woe and misery.  and there probably are some very great relationships that have developed from this very thing.  and to them i say, bravo!

but i think the majority of us are not that way.  we want happiness.  not misery.  (unless you are a drama queen.)  we want stability, not chaos.  (unless you are a drama queen.)  we want to be with someone who offers stability and positivity.  (unless you are a drama queen.)  and yes, there are drama kings, as well.  whether they deliberately attract it, or subconsciously remain in it, certain types of both men and women can be drawn toward drama.

every day i battle depression.  every day i battle to get out of bed and join life.  every day i battle being in pain.  every day i wake up with my lower back spasming, and i know that the rest of my day will be filled with this.   i do not remember one day when i have not been in pain for years.  yet i am not going to sit here and play the "woe is me" game and enter the pity syndrome.  i refuse to be negative.  i refuse to play the "somebody rescue me" game.  i will be strong, i will survive (gawd, i feel like gloria gayner), i will BE POSITIVE.

and even though i make it clear in my profile that i am not looking and that i really am happy being single and i am a mental case, i am inundated every day with emails from people.  i believe it is because PEOPLE RESPOND TO POSITIVITY.

i think if my profile and my journal were filled with negativity, i would not receive half the email i do.

yeah, on those off days when i sit here alone with my pity parties and blog, i get some very good, insightful emails from people offering their wisdom and i appreciate that.  but the tone of those emails are very different from the norm.  and the email volume definitely goes down.


if you are wondering why nobody ever emails you...

if you are wondering why you don't get many responses from your emails to them...

if you are wondering why collarme doesn't work for you...

consider what you are putting out there!

are you putting out pity parties? are you putting out negativity?  are you putting out insecurity?

do you seem to draw only unsavory characters?

did you know that predators PREY on insecurity???

there are books and CDs and DVDs and plenty of gurus out there preaching about "the secret" and "the law of attraction" and living in positivity and removing negativity from your life.

i truly believe the only reason why i have not had a mental breakdown in almost two years is because i have made it a daily practice to focus on the positive in my life and have painstakingly removed negative people and negative things and negative circumstances from my life.

and the people who have entered my life as a result are a vast difference from those who have entered my life in the past.

the people in my life now enhance my life, not drag me down.

and if they don't, well...

i'm not talking about people who have bad things happen to them against their will.  my photographer is dealing with a terminal spouse, and just found out his girlfriend (he and his wife are poly swingers) has cancer.  that is what i call "drama against your will."  one of my best friends deals with pain every day because of her MS.  she did not ask for MS.  my sister deals with pain every day because of her lupus and associated illnesses.  she did not ask for lupus.  you know dozens of people (or perhaps, yourself), who deal with "drama against your will".  i'm not talking about that.  no, i'm talking about people who seem to PURSUE misery!  or if "drama against your will" occurs, they dwell on it and embrace it and are consumed by it!  and THRIVE on it!

so choose what kind of a life you want to live?  do you want to be dragged down?  or lifted up?

choose what kind of an influence you want to be on people around you.  do you want to drag them down?  or lift them up?

make your life, your goal, your outlook, your thoughts, your actions, your words, your profile, your blog entries, focused on the positive!  if you are positive, you will attract positive things to you.  if you are negative, you will attract negative things to you, and you will also bring down your fellow man in the process (if they are susceptible to that).

once you start creating your life of positivity inside your mind, start to physically surround yourself with positive things that are an external extension of the internal positivity.

and when something negative comes into your life that you cannot ignore and you must deal with, find something positive in it!  there is always something positive to find!  so focus on that.

no more victim syndrome for me.

what about you?

/end lecture/rant/sermon

4/3/2010 9:05:49 AM
regarding my cardinal/father blog the other day, one of my kitties brought in a dead cardinal as a present to me.  it was only a matter of time.  so far they have dragged in two hummingbirds and one other unidentified species within the past two weeks.  but the cardinal really hit me hard.

i refuse to consider if there is any symbolism in this.

4/3/2010 8:52:09 AM
my sister believes i do not have a cold.  she said the oak pollen is horrible this year, and many hundreds of people are thinking they have a cold when it is really oak pollen allergies.

"not i!" i replied.  "i don't have allergies!!!"

apparently you can get allergies suddenly after years and years (and years) of not having allergies.

well crap!

so i google oak pollen allergies and lo and behold, there are the very symptoms i have.  and interestingly, they happened the very day after i got home from being in the middle of the withlacoochee state forest.


perhaps sister is right after all!  oh no, say it ain't so!

in the meantime, all work is at a standstill while my lungs create copious amounts of green, slimy, phlegm-ridden biological warfare weapons of mass destruction. 

life is one big lugee.

4/1/2010 9:46:28 AM
i woke up this morning with a pounding headache, sore throat, runny nose, cough, and eyes tearing.   it's a lovely day out there but i feel too much like crap to get out there and enjoy it.

i was going to take my sister out for a manicure and pedicure and chinese buffet tomorrow night but it doesn't look too good when you cough and snot all over the pork fried rice.

the good news is i have a lot of godiva milk chocolate and chocolate truffles from last week from a belgian client, and heller bordeaux from another client, so i am having a really decent pity party here!

and i suppose i should look at this as a blessing.  i have to squeeze my kegels whenever i cough to make sure i don't, better pussy control can't hurt in the long run, right?

life is.... better with the softest puffs tissue with aloe.

3/31/2010 4:40:18 PM
and i don't know what it is lately....i've been seeing a lot of cardinals.

my dad used to go outside after dinner when i was little, and put more birdseed into the bird feeders.  he would actually mimic the cardinal's sounds by whistling just like them.  soon, i swear, the cardinals would carry on conversations with him.  he would go outside, start whistling, put in the bird seed, and the cardinals would come and whistle back while they took turns at the bird feeder. 

every night this little ritual happened.

as i blogged before, he passed away this november.

i miss him.  little things will happen and i will want to call and tell him about them, and then i realize i cannot call him.

i've been noticing there are cardinals sitting on the fence by my bedroom window more often.  i can hear them whistling, and i look up, and there they are.

yesterday on the way to the campground, i realized i forgot to wear the necklace that has some of my dad's ashes in it.  i decided to go camping anyway, instead of turning around and getting it.

at the campsite, lo and behold, before the sun went down, after dinnertime, there was a beautiful cardinal sitting on a tree branch right by our campsite. 

i felt like dad was there joining us after all.

3/31/2010 4:33:24 PM
i ended up laying under the stars last night next to a beautiful fire with good friends, amaretto, white zinfandel, warm blankets, and watched the moon rise until about 2 a.m.  and we fucked right there in the open next to the roaring fire.  of course my gal pal had to videotape it, perv that she is.

so, no, i didn't go camping, but i did have a delightful little mini trip up there, thanks to a wonderful person who packed up the necessities into his car and drove me up.

i think we got back home at about 4 a.m. this morning.  as much as i wish we could have stayed, it was sooooo nice to be back in my nice comfy bed, ankles elevated on nice soft down pillows.

it was so lovely.  i even got one photo set in there, naked by the fire under a full moon. 

i need to do this more often, especially before it gets too hot.  and before the mosquitoes really start swarming (i did get one bite last night, even with insect repellent!)

had a delicious lunch at crabby bill's today on the causeway with wonderful company.  my only complaint is there were only guys playing volleyball in the pit next to us, and no bikini-clad women. 

i love this beautiful weather minus the debilitating humidity.

it's naptime for me now.  i'm feeling very old these days.  the ankles are still swollen and painful, the left one is far worse than the right, but both are getting better every day.  

enough convalescing.  i need to generate some income here!  tomorrow it's back to WORK!  cracking my own whip!

right after this short little 14 hour nap....

life is.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

3/28/2010 2:51:36 PM
oh how the mighty have fallen, part II.

i will not be going camping.

i guess either karma has come back very quickly for me hurting someone, or i am just a stupid idiot for going shopping for camping food during a deluge. 

i fell in the walmart parking lot and i am down for the count.  now my knees and back joins the swollen ankles from earlier this week.

looks like the cats get their mama after all.

life HURTS!  literally and figuratively!!!

3/28/2010 12:04:02 PM
tomorrow i go camping for four days.  three days with fellow humans, and then the final day by myself.  alone.  sans homo sapiens.

three days of making outdoor porn.  one day of getting myself grounded, centered, and energized. 

i am drained and i have nothing left to give anybody. 

the photos and videos we are planning to make already feel like a chore, there's no anticipation like i usually have before a camping trip.  but i am looking forward to the full moon over the campfire monday night. 

i feel like such a traitor to my kitties, knowing i just got home and am turning around and leaving tomorrow for most of the week and then going to the space coast the following week.  two of my kitties are laying right next to me, clinging to me like a shadow and here i plan on deserting them again!

(no, my kitties and i are NOT codependent....)

i was going to drop in on john and starla, go to sears to get a tent and a camp mattress, and buy camping food at walmart.  i have no energy to do any of it. 

i think i went through the manic phase already :-(((  that was way too short.

3/27/2010 3:45:06 PM
i am home. 

i love my job.

but i love my nice soft bed better.

i am so tired, i turned down a client last night, and a three hour session today.

i am even too tired to pet my kitties. 

getting old sucks.


life is good.

3/25/2010 9:35:22 PM
the definition of a true friend:  someone who is there on moving day.

i've said this for years.

i know it's not original...someone, somewhere, has said the same thing all around the world. 

but it's true.

and a true friend helps a half-crippled professional dominatrix, who is limping in pain because she sprained both ankles falling off her eight inch heels the day before at a session, lug a full car of bondage equipment and dungeon toys to tampa, onto a cart, up an elevator, and into the dungeon space, and helps her set up so she can make her first appointment on time. 

and a true friend volunteers to do it all again saturday in reverse when it's time to head back home. 

and a true friend drives all the way back to her house when she realizes she left her work cell phone at home and retrieves it for her and drives it all the way back to tampa and calls on the way to tell her whose clients' phonecalls she's missed. 

and a true friend loses almost all his sleep because of all this, and doesn't complain once, and asks for nothing in return. 

and a true friend feeds her cats while she is away and spoils them rotten, in proxy. 

i am very blessed, to say the least, to have friends like this.

true friends.

thank you, j.  but thank you just seems to insignificant in return.

and i am off to bed.  this crippled pro domme with swollen, aching ankles, and a back that is twinging in pain, is WHIPPED.

3/23/2010 10:08:13 PM
of course i didn't do all the things i wanted to do this weekend.  but it ended up being a lot of fun.

too tired to tell all the details, and there were some disappointments (especially when the brand-fucking-new less-than-two-hours-old remote controlled vibrator's leg attachments snapped!!!).  but the disappointments are another story...and too tired to tell all those details, as well.

but today....ahhhhh today was such a trip.  literally.

my tantra mentor informed me last week that she needed help with a client, who wanted to explore BDSM.  so she asked my alter ego to come help out on the appointed day (today).  so there i am, with a HUGE suitcase of toys, a tray that straps to the back for human furniture play, my new cupping set, my purse, and yet ANOTHER bag of new toys from john and starla that i haven't had time to put into the HUGE suitcase of toys.  of course i cannot carry all that to my mentor's door in one trip.  so i carry as much as i can to her door on the first trip.  i am wearing my dominatrix eight inch heels and a really kewl public outfit that still looks dominatrix-y. 

the subbie answers her door dressed in nothing but a ladies' thong.  we go through the introductions, chit chat, we all feel a good vibe and the consensus is that we go ahead with the session.  i say i am going back out to the car to get the rest of the items.  of course subbie boy cannot help me, because he is wearing nothing but a thong.  so i go to the car and make a HUGE MISTAKE.

never, ever, EVER try to walk in the grass in eight inch heels.  ALWAYS USE CONCRETE DRIVEWAY AND SIDEWALK!

yes, i fell over, and sprained BOTH MY ANKLES!

do you know how difficult it is to look and act domly when you are sprawled out in the middle of a lawn in full view of neighbors, friend, and CLIENT???  leaves, grass, debris all over my suede skirt with the big thick gold chain trim.  leather/suede/cloth dress shirt covered in grass clippings.  and both ankles twisted in an unnatural angle in now-ridiculously-appearing eight inch heels.  and ankles that are swelling larger and larger by the second.

subbie donned clothes and helped me up, tantra mentor cleaned me up and offered ice.  i declined all further help, wanting to appear DOMLY.  we proceeded with the session, although when he was blindfolded, my tantra mentor got me two eye masks from her fridge to help with the pain and swelling. 

and i don't know if i just did a kickass job, or if he felt sorry for me, but he gave me a huge extravagant tip on top of my hourly tribute, a big hug and kiss, and i hobbled/stumbled back to my car, this time with him carrying everything, fully clothed.

and then i get to john and starla's, and was told that the type of photos they need today are.....what do you think.....come on, you can guess......yup!  suspension by the ankles photos!!!!

one tylenol with codeine later, we got the photos done. 

off i go to a manicure and pedicure, to prepare for tomorrow, when i begin doing sessions in tampa.  my ankles are excruciatingly painful, and every movement during the pedicure makes me want to cry.  and now i am wondering how the hell i am going to conduct sessions in tampa the next few days with ankles that are throbbing like mad, swollen the size of footballs.

moral of the story:  eight inch heels look sooooo bad-ass.  but oh how the mighty fall!

but you know what? 

it will all work out.  because it CANNOT GET ANY WORSE THAN THIS!  LOL!

life is good!  painful, but good!

3/19/2010 9:30:40 PM
heading out to sir steffan's saturday afternoon delight party in twelve hours!  hope to see a lot of familiar friendly faces there. 

today was a good day.  got a lot accomplished and had a lot of fun.  will post more later - i have a ton of things to do in the next twelve hours!  including getting some sleeeeeep...

my two new logitech pro 9000 webcams arrived today.  they are kick ass top of the line and i am so happy with them!  am setting up the voyeur cams right now.  three out of four of the voyeur cams are carl zeiss optics with autofocus and RightLight technology.  i made a little mini-video clip to test out the new cams and that turned out sweet!  they were expensive, but tax deductible business expenses - that is how i rationalize it, anyway.

i think if i had a lot of money i could easily become a technophile. 

also am the proud owner of five new floggers, a strop and a new paddle thanks to john and starla at (shameless plug for dear friends).  they are so good to me.  lots of new toys to break in at sir steffan's party tomorrow!  very excited :-)

some my fellow southern-charms girls buy stuff and only wear it once for photo shoots and then sell it to other charms for really cheap.  i have a new leopard/faux leather outfit i am wearing to the party tomorrow - for $5!!!! yeah you read that right!!!  LOL!  gotta love it!

after the party, i am being treated to a quick stop at the todd for a new remote controlled wireless clit/anal/vaginal stimulator (venus penis to be exact) to be worn the rest of the day....yummy!  then dinner, a movie and who knows what else.

gawd, i love manic phase.

i hated to leave my family over at the space coast last night.  i had such a wonderful visit with them.  even if i did get sick on the nachos i ate when we were playing billiards. 

hope everyone has a kick ass weekend.

3/18/2010 10:47:15 AM
the difference between dominant men and submissive females:

females go on and on and on and on and on in their journals - diarrhea of the keyboard.

males are more succinct. 

those of you who know rounderfla, appreciate his wry sense of humor.

here is his comment to my last post (Posted with his permission).

"I am looking for a slave that can suck start a Harley and swallow a 15 hot dog without choking"

3/18/2010 10:35:05 AM
someone today asked me, "what are you looking for in a master?"

i wanted to say, "go read my profile, it's right there!"

then i realized that i erased that part of my loooooooooong profile several months ago because 99% of people don't time to read the whole damn thing anyway.


recently i totally redid my profile, thinking i would keep it short and sweet.  but i find myself adding and adding and adding to it so that the same questions that get asked over and over again in emails will be answered in my profile, thinking that this would cut down on the same questions being asked.  but of course, the longer my profile gets, the less people will read it, so there goes the vicious cycle again.

sometimes i wish collarme had a way to make email templates.  so i could press "template A" and an email would instantly be created that would say, "i am sorry but you live 1200 miles away and as my profile clearly shows, i cannot handle long distance relationships."

or "template B" - "i am sorry but if you want me to show myself on cam for you to masturbate, you can go to and pay $1.69/minute just like everyone else."

or "template C" - "i am sorry but if you want to see naked photos of me so you can get off, you can go to and pay the membership fee to see more, just like everyone else."

/end shameless self-promoting plugs
/resume post

but anyway, in case you are interested, here is what i want in a master.

and as you can see, the standards are high and i am very picky because i have A LOT of experience and i KNOW what i want and i KNOW what works for me, and i am DONE with being partnered with someone i am not compatible with and i am THROUGH with the resultant heartache and damage, and probably a lot of doms think i am FULL OF MYSELF for even THINKING such perfection is even possible, and that is why i am not collared    ;-)

whatever.  like i often say, i would rather be alone and happy than incorrectly partnered and miserable.

and without further ado:

someone who is

self confident (lack of self-confidence is a major turn-off)

stable in every facet of his life: financially, mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc. (instability is a major turn-off)

has no addictions or keeps any addiction under control (lack of self control - big turn-off)

completely in control of every part of his own life before he even THINKS about controlling someone else's life (see a pattern here???)

secure in himself and thus can give security to someone else (insecurity - major turn-off)

happy being with himself and doesn't need anyone to "complete" him - but he wants to share his completeness in his life with someone else (needy personalities - definite turn-off, same with whiny, clingy, codependent personalities)

who would be embraced by the BDSM community as an admirable dominant (not only do i want to respect you, i want the bdsm community to respect you too)

lives by a credo of 100% honesty (lying - deal breaker)

whose words and actions inspire trust and respect (and actions speak louder than words)

has excellent communication skills (open communication is mandatory for a bdsm relationship, right?)

an experienced sadist, and is wickedly competent at it (i'm a maso.  i want pain, but don't want to be damaged in the process)

able to have sex at least four times per day (i am an insatiable, horny SLUT)

and that's just for starters.

yeah, i know the bar is set high.  and i know my chances of finding Master Right are slim. but i've had a few tastes of being in a relationship with a Master Right.  and it was heaven.  seriously, it was heaven on earth.  i will never forget the security and the deep feelings of slavehood i felt - far more deeper than any submissive feelings i ever felt.  once you have had that, it's hard to accept anything less and unfortunately, i know now i CANNOT settle for anything less.

and i know i am asking a lot.  but a long conversation with my tantra mentor made me stop and think when she asked me, "for all that you want in Master Right, what exactly do YOU have to offer in return?"  and my smart-ass reply was, "the best fuck he ever had!"  and she said, "oh yeah, that's all it takes to have a great relationship, right?"  we both knew i DON'T think that's all a relationship takes.  but i did take a lot of time these past few months to think about what the heck do i have that i can offer Master Right in return???

and i have rambled on far long enough.  i'll post the reply to that question soon.

3/16/2010 10:26:58 PM
things i want to do this weekend.

1. go to sir steffan's daytime party saturday
2. go to "repo man"
3. go to lowry park zoo
4. go to florida aquarium
5. go to the citrus tower
6. go to bok tower
7. go to busch gardens
8. go to sea world
9. go to universal studios
10. go to islands of adventure
11. go camping with my gal pal for kickass photo and video shoots.

sounds like the manic phase of bipolar is kicking in!

i'll probably just end up spending the majority of weekend time on my back in bed having sex.  not that that's a bad thing, but i really do want to do all those things, and more!

i also need to make a lot of money this weekend because i have had to spend a huge amount in the past few weeks on those little unexpected things life throws at you, and also expected things that cost a small fortune.

i just spent $350 to extend two computer warranties.  i put it off until the very day they expired.  these are the kind of warranties where they come to your home and fix the problem within 24 hours.  with my kind of work, this is an absolute godsend, especially when you are self-employed and don't have an IT department to call when your computer breaks down and you know just enough about computers to be dangerous and REALLY fuck it, and you have a live internet show to broadcast and porn to upload and sell and your anxiety disorder kicks in big time cuz you can't do your work!

extending this warranty was perfect timing because the very next day, my laptop would not boot up, and the DVD drive on my tower would not work.  i swear they plan this!

i was flipping back and forth between buying a new desktop and a new laptop, and keeping the existing ones as spares vs. renewing the extended warranty contract.  i still don't know if i made the right decision.  but i have two computers that work again, and i am happy with that.

also, now that i am doing two live group show webcasts every week on the internet, i took advantage of a super-duper special limited offer through the company to buy probably the very best webcam out on the market today - it fixes bad lighting problems on its own, it has autofocus even for EXTREME close-ups (especially good when i want to show marks from play, and pussy/clit/ass/nipple closeups), it has a great microphone, and it has one of the best pixel count, and frames-per-second count in existance....and i took advantage of the BOGO offer.  so it was a great investment into my business.  cost a lot of money, but the webcam shows will look more real-life with better streaming and won't be jerky and choppy.  perfect timing - i have four cams going at all times in my voyeur house, and one just broke this week, and another one - something happened to the automatic dark lighting adjustment - that one cam continuously looks like it has poor lighting, even though it doesn't.  by the time i get back home this weekend, the cams should be there and i can't wait to try them out!  they cost a small fortune, but it's worth it for my business.

ok, since i know you are just dying to know what else i spent money on, i will tell you i am the proud owner of the cadillac - no, the porsche, no, the LAMBORGHINI of massage tables that will double as a bondage table.  it does almost everything except automatically strap the guy down and flog him for me.  it even sits upright, has armrests, and a sling to suspend the arms when facedown.  i can't wait for my first try it out. 

and then there was the unexpected car problems, but we won't get into that, because i tend to blatantly ignore stressful events and car problems are ALWAYS stressful events for me.

i also bought things around the house that will make my work much easier for me and things i had been putting off buying for a long time but i really am happy with them cuz they already are helping me be more productive in my work.

see?  self-employment in the sex industry is not glamorous.  it's EXPENSIVE!  LOL!

so i need to make a ton of money this weekend.  and go do all that stuff i mentioned above. that's gonna happen.

next week, wednesday through saturday, i will be working in tampa.  it's gonna be a kickass trip - i can feel it.  work always goes great in the manic phase. 

come to think of it, so is the sex...

now, i talk about my mental illnesses very frankly in this blog.  let's see if you can name them all.  the winner gets a prize.

to top it off, i have found out that a brother, a sister, and my mother have all been diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder and a major research hospital (if i named it, you would recognize it) is conducting a study on familial links of OCD.  they are coming to my home to conduct a three hour interview and draw blood.  then i will meet with a psychologist, or psychiatrist, i can't remember which one.  my sister has been telling me for years that i have symptoms of this.  i hope they don't prove her right.  oh joy. 

i am having a very nice visit with family this week.  we are going to see "alice in wonderland" and going to play billiards, boys against the girls, before i leave.  there has been a lot of laughter and communication.  i am blessed.

in just a matter of months, the day will come with they are all grown and gone and these opportunities will also be gone.  i cherish these times now while i can.

so, life is good.  in spite of, or maybe because of, the manic phase.

if i can do all that stuff before it gets beastly hot, i'll be even happier.

3/16/2010 10:02:33 AM
i am so disappointed. 

and struggling with deciding

a.  do you give someone the room to fuck up big time and help them try to make it right, forgive that person, and hope they never do it again.


b.  see the signs that history is repeating itself and run like hell before you waste another year or so in a dead-end relationship.

i don't want to be in a relationship with someone who deliberately hurt someone else, and treated them poorly and caused the other person to distrust people even more and added to the baggage pile that will haunt the other person for a lifetime. 

and yes, i am shallow...if i am with someone, i want his reputation to be spotless and above reproach.  because the person i am with reflects on me. 

and i am shallow because i value my own reputation very much.  i know i have screwed up many a time in the florida bdsm community so it's definitely tarnished with things i've said and done, and things i should have said and should have done, but did not do. 

there are a lot of people who don't give a fuck about their own reputation or who they are with in public or private and feel that if other people don't like them or their companion, fuck them. 

but i have learned last night and this morning that i am not that way.  i am shallow and i don't have that inner strength to stand up to that.

but on the other hand, don't real friends accept one another regardless of their faults?  don't real friends try to help each other become better people?  isn't there some kind of unconditional love that's supposed to sustain through a fuck-up?  borderline personality disorder is extremely fucked up when it comes to unconditional love.  we believe people are GOOD or people are BAD.  no grey.  i have battled this kind of thinking for decades and have tried to break out of that and just see that people are good AND bad and flawed and human and will make mistakes but that doesn't mean you turn your back on them and treat them like a pariah when they fuck up.

but on the other hand, if you don't watch the signs, you are setting yourself up for another round of misuse and abuse.

i'm so confused. and so disappointed. 

the person who was hurt and disrespected - i genuinely feel bad for her.  and i hope that she can heal from this added layer of baggage and i am sure another brick has been added to the masonry of protection around her heart.

and i hope the person who did all this will think twice about words, actions, and lack of both, next time and really analyze what motivated this kind of behavior.  maybe if the motivation can be pinpointed, it can be avoided in the future. 

so what to do?  accept, forgive, and continue on?

or take it as a sign of the future, say goodbye now before it happens again, and move on?

3/13/2010 7:47:47 AM
slowly rejoining the land of the living.

not quite all the way yet...just dipping a toe in the water to see if it's comfy...

3/2/2010 3:40:24 PM
today was a very emotionally and mentally draining day.  with my father passing away last november, my brother had to fly into tampa today for a guardianship hearing for my mother.  my mother is incapacitated due to end stage alzheimer's.  i had no idea things were so involved.  three independent medical doctors to weigh in on her medical condition, her appointed lawyer to oversee her legal status, my brother had to hire a lawyer, and now the magistrate will advise the judge on today's hearing.  but it looks like everything will go through OK.

it was nice to spend time with family, but also bittersweet.  my mom would have been overjoyed to see her children together visiting with her.  but her mind is gone and she had no knowledge we were there.

i'm also mentally and emotionally drained because i have been battling a major decision and i finally made the decision. 

and i am not proud of my decision because it will hurt someone.
i think submissives, and slaves-at-heart, tend to do things because we want so much to please, and to make others happy, even though it does not work for us. 

thus, i have come to the conclusion through all this that i really do believe it is best if i remain single. 

i don't like to hurt others. 

but it seems that is the regular progression of my relationships.  

so what does a submissive do, when she desires to serve with all her heart, but knows it is best if she has no one to serve?  live a life of frustration? 

sometimes i cannot bear to visit with couples, and see their happiness and joy with each other, because it shows me what i am missing in my life.

i have a slave heart, but each attempt to find someone to serve has been futile.

it all seems pretty hopeless to me. 

and pointless. 

3/1/2010 8:35:06 AM
i am mentally/physically/emotionally/spiritually exhausted but had a good trip to tampa.  after a few days of regrounding and recentering myself, i'll be back up to speed i think, just in time to head back to the space coast.

me and the kitties had quality therapeutic fur time last night and this morning.

after canceling on my sister four times, i am off to spend the day with her. 

i don't have another work trip scheduled until march 24-27 and i am hoping i can get away with not having anything until then.  not good for business, but perhaps good for my well-being. 

i think i am so drained this time is because my trips usually are with regulars, but this trip had quite a bit of new clients, and it must take a lot out of me to get into their mind and figure out what they need the best.

i'll be over on the space coast for 12 days this month if anyone wants to sit on the beach and discuss the meaning of life according to eric cartman.

life is good.

2/18/2010 9:10:21 AM
photography and porn is not glamorous.  i've been sitting waiting for a few hours to shoot and one thing after another interferes.  models, photographers, lights, cameras, videos, computers....

but the wine is good.....

2/17/2010 12:20:34 PM
this is probably way off base but i guess it wouldn't hurt.  by any chance is there a family law attorney on here who would like to barter?  central florida corridor, from tampa, lakeland, kissimmee, orlando, the space coast - that would be great, thank you.

2/17/2010 5:53:18 AM
are you tired of people from other countries on here scamming you?

are you tired of getting the same old introductory email from the same person over and over again after you've told them, "No thanks!" and it is obvious they didn't read your profile but are sending this to every person on here?

are you tired of so-called "business opportunities" on here that are rip-offs?

if you are, did you know that you can report it to collarme?  use the SPAM and SCAM report feature.  if enough people do this, scammers' and spammers' accounts will be suspended.  sure, they will just open up another account, but let's make it a bit more difficult for them. 

it only take a few clicks of your mouse. 

if we all did this, it just might make a few of these people go somewhere else.

2/15/2010 9:26:19 AM
i think the worst is passed with this latest episode of depression and i am very grateful it didn't last long. 

a lot of people have asked, "what caused it this time?"  i am not sure what caused it.  social factors?  too much stress?  trying to do too much at once?  worry over family members?  the struggles of a new relationship?  too much caffeine???  or just a bad mix of norepinephrine, dopamine, and serotonin?  i dunno.  but it's much better now.  thank god/dess.

i lost A LOT of money and i do mean A LOT by not working those days.  but now that my brain is unscrambling and getting somewhat back to normal, business is kicking ass again, so i am just gonna put that loss behind me, pick myself up, and move on ahead.  no looking back and crying over spilled brain chemicals.

i hope everyone had a sweet valentine's day.  mine was very nice.  very busy but very nice.

this weekend we were on the go mixing fetish events and work.  made good money and had good fun.  worked hard, played hard

somehow we managed to fit everything in, even though i would have liked to stay longer at certain events, but there just wasn't enough hours in the day.

i finally saw altpathway at the tampa munch saturday.  it was bittersweet because they are closing and moving somewhere smaller.  it was a nice venue and a labor of love on their part - such a shame that part of their journey is closing.
  i will always regret i never made it to a drag queen show there. 

there were many highlights but i think the sweetest part was at fetish circuit when he used my spike paddle on my ass and made me bleed.  i was told the blood was running down my thighs and i do believe i felt trickles on the backs of my thighs - all i could feel was not even pain but the endorphins and the music was a part of me, inside me, around me, breathing in and out of my nostrils, enveloping me and i remember him telling me to lean back down over the top-rest of the kneeling bench and i tried to lean over but i couldn't move - i could hear him but i couldn't obey him.  i could feel each individual puncture from the needle paddle and i could feel my pores - it wasn't pain.  i can't explain it.  but anyway, when i couldn't respond to his command, he decided i had enough and he helped me up and got me to a couch and covered me up.  and he cleaned the bench. 

he cleaned the bench.

i have not NOT cleaned up after a scene in YEARS.  that is the bottom's job in my opinion.  if the top can do all that hard work - the planning, the implementing, the constant vigil for safety, etc., then i think the least we bottoms can do is clean up afterward.  but there he was, cleaning it up.  and i was just sitting there in a daze watching.  then he came and put his arms around me and we sat there. 

i am so not used to aftercare!!!  i never really needed it or wanted it too much before (unless it was a major heavy scene and i couldn't walk afterward), but i must say it was very comforting and it was nice to reorient myself to the real world enveloped in warmth from strong arms rather than in the middle of wiping a leather padded beam with an alcohol-drenched paper towel.  it has usually been an automatic thing - dom decides scene is over, i get up, hug and kiss the dom in gratitude, grab the alcohol spray bottle and the paper towel, get to work and clean up, then sit down with a bottle of water.  so this aftercare is a bit different than the norm! 

gawd, next thing you know, i'll be begging for the bunny fur!

i think the funniest moment was when i  was watching a really great scene at fetish circuit and it turns out my new beau knew the domme who was scening, and she came up to us and i was introduced to her and she said, "i've seen you before!"  and i said, "yes, i've seen YOU before!"  we figured out it was from my "home" dungeon, sir steffan's.  it turns out she remembered me from laying on a mattress next to me at sir steffan's, with both of us getting our brains fucked out.  so i layed down on the couch we were sitting on, turned my head to her and said, "there, does this look more familiar now?"  yup, she definitely remembered THAT particular angle.  we laughed about that for awhile.  that would make a good bumper sticker - you know you're a slut when people  recognize you from the horizontal view.   feel free to use that quote.  but i want royalties ;-) 

i did turn to see how my date was taking that type of reference to my extensive sexual history and practices but he was smiling and laughing too, which was a huge relief. 

so, things are going well with my new beau.  we have A LOT of MAJOR differences but we also have A LOT of major likenesses.  when we met, he had a lot of very strong feelings about certain things - for example, polyamory and non-monogamy (two very different scenarios) were not for him, but he is willing to be open minded and try.  that is quite a huge thing to decide to be open minded and try, and i appreciate that willingness to try very much.  he also is very tolerant and supportive of my work, which is also very much appreciated by me.  i don't think a lot of men would want their significant other to go off and do the type of work i do.  yet he understands the situation and the "why" of what i do, and is actually giving me very good pointers with my work, whether it be professional domination, one-on-one webcam, phonesex, live group webcam shows, amateur bbw fetish modeling work, custom videos, stock videos and photos, one-on-one tantra work...he has a lot of insight and has given excellent suggestions from the point of view that i need the most - a hot blooded highly sexual person. 

it was a concern when we first met as to whether or not he would be sadistic enough for me as he has not played much in the public arena.  i can hereby testify that yes, in private, and in public, he is sadistic enough.  unfortunately, all these years of hard play has made my ass a "leather ass" and now it is difficult to welt and bruise this ass.  but trust me....i FEEL IT!  the bad part is, he cannot see his handiwork on me.  that is why i highly encourage him to play with others.  i WANT him to see his handiwork and be proud of it!

to the younger masochists:  enjoy those black and blue and purple badges of honor and those souveniers you see in the mirror today now on your ass.  someday your skin may not be so soft and supple after years of hard use.  take photos of it now.  then in your old age when a bamboo cane doesn't even raise a welt anymore, you can look back and smile and say, "ooooh yesssss, I remember THAT night!!!!"

i am on the space coast all this week and would love to get together with old friends and new.  just holler.  thursday i'll be doing photo and video shoots all day, but any other day is good.  i'll either be leaving late friday night, or as late as sunday night.  so let's do it!  a bit too cold to sit on the beach with iced tea...but somewhere overlooking the water with a pot of hot tea sounds nice!

life is good.  cold, but good (where the heck is that global warming????)

2/7/2010 6:57:39 AM
i think the worst has passed. 

i hate being a drama queen.  but that journal entry sure caused an outpouring of kind words from people.  thank you.  that was not my intention - to get attention - but it is nice to know people do give a shit.

i'm doing better.  tonight i am going to john and starla's for dinner with my new beau.  it will be the first time i've been outside (and showered...ewwwww!) in four days.

i've canceled many live internet shows, appointments, mani/pedi with my sister, dates, helping a friend move, avoided phone calls and emails, which just makes me more guilty and miserable and depressed.  this episode's vicious cycle needs to's time to rejoin the world.

i'm very grateful this one didn't last 17 to 21 days.

and my heart goes out to those who are in the middle of their own personal mental illness hell right now.  it's an ugly, lonely, frightening, soul-numbing, isolating place to be.

life goes on....

2/5/2010 6:38:52 AM
i've been off my antidepressant meds for sixteen months now, and haven't had one major depressive episode.  i think the last one i had was july 2007.  so i've been doing pretty good. 

but i think i am sliding into one now and i am doing all i can to stop it before it incapacitates me.  i cannot afford 17 to 21 days of lying in a dark room, not communicating, not being productive, not working, not making any money.

i canceled the trip to tampa this week, which was a huge money-making opportunity, but i cannot conduct sessions when i am not 100%.  it's not fair to my clients.

i'm meditating, i'm burning sage, i'm affirming, i'm envisioning, i'm keeping my mind full of positivity, i'm helping others, but it is pulling me down, and each day the pull gets stronger. 

i am fighting this and it won't get me.

1/30/2010 7:53:39 PM
it was a bittersweet visit on the space coast as i helped my 21-year-old daughter get ready to move into her new home.  she found a 100+ year-old key west bungalow on the river in a nice neighborhood.  wal-mart stockholders should love me.  we did good.  we bought A LOT for what i had budgeted.  but there is still so much more i wanted to get her.  the spirit is willing but the wallet is weak. 

her dad and i would buy up historical old homes in suburban chicago and get grant money from the city and fix them up nice and flip them.  it is no wonder that my daughter inherited my love of old houses - that is all she grew up in.  i walked into her new home and felt good positive energy immediately.  we went to the backyard that overlooks the causeway and the river.  it is completely sheltered by huge ancient live oaks, palms, and other trees, with lots of comfy outdoor seating including a swing.  the whole front of the house has a big screened in porch and two sides of the house's first floor is floor-to-ceiling windows in the key west style.  the neighbors were very friendly and introduced themselves and said they would watch over her - it's a very neighborhood-watch type of area. 

i am so proud of her...she did good for her very first home on her own.

i don't talk about my children much.  in fact i think this is the first time i've even mentioned the fact that i have children in my blog.  but they are older now, and therefore i feel it safer for people to know now.  i am so proud of each and every one of them. 

it seems like just a few years ago i would be sitting out on my own front porch nursing her in my arms, thinking about some day, a long long time from then, i would be taking her to pick out her own household items for when she would move out...and here it is happening.  it's very heartrending.  to love your children so much and only want to protect them, but know that you have to let them go someday.  they move out and have their own life and you are still their mother, but not in the same way as you were before.  there have been a lot of private tears shed by me this week.  and right now!

the next time i go to the space coast, i will be having a home-cooked salmon dinner with my daughter, in her new home, cooked in her new kitchen, in new pots and pans and served on new platters with new silverware.  and it is all 100% hers and hers alone.  no more will i hear her in the kitchen late at night making a cup of tea.  no more will i hear her get up and shower and blow dry her hair and go to work at 10 a.m.  no more will i hear her friends come to the door to pick her up and go to the art district for a night out.   and i need to stop this because i am running out of kleenex!

as for my love-life, date number four ended a few hours ago.  Fourteen hours long, a lot of fun. 

tomorrow morning at 6:30 a.m. begins date number five.  the poor man only had three hours of sleep today, at best.  i don't know how he is going to survive work tonight.  but i can tell you i will sleep like a baby.  today he discovered the fun of forced orgasms.  and i discovered i need to hide the hitachi magic wand.

now that i've spent the majority of my money on my daughter's new home, i was very pleased to have two old clients contact me from out of the blue, both going way back from 2007 and 2008, and they want to reacquaint themselves with me.  that always makes me feel so good!  very validating.  and perfect timing!  so it looks like i'll be taking another trip to tampa sooner than i thought.

life is good.

1/25/2010 6:56:43 AM
after losing money like crazy from the eye infection, i took an unscheduled trip to tampa and kicked ass.  i am so grateful to my loyal clients.  i am back in the black and then some.

my marks on my breasts from the knifeplay on new year's eve are finally fading although still plainly visible.  i love looking down and seeing them.  makes me realize how much i do need a carving, and soon.  just not sure what to get, and where.

one day, i was minding my own business, working my ass off (literally) being a stay-at-home porn producer, when i got a phone call from an old friend.  seems he and his love were heading out to dinner later that night to meet a married couple and a single guy, and they thought i would be a good candidate to round out the numbers.  i still had two more live internet webcasts to do, but said if they wouldn't mind a late arrival, i could do that.

so i got there at the restaurant and had a great time.

first date - 2 hours.

second date - 22 hours (and that was only because i had to check out of the hotel in tampa)

third date - 19 hours

i passed up two appointments with known clients, and did not aggressively pursue a few more potential clients during that 22 hour date, so i told him that technically, he is at least a $400 fuck.  he liked that.

i'm off for a week to visit family on the space coast.  i would love to meet old and new friends for breakfast or dinner over there if the mood strikes you.  i won't be on here much so please reach me on the cell phone.

have a great week, everybody!

life is good.

correction: my ass and pussy and nipples are sore - life is GREAT.

1/15/2010 3:36:57 PM
today has not been fun.  i've been battling some sort of eye irritation for a few days now.  today has been the worst.  it is completely swollen, bloodshot, and is absolutely driving me crazy.

i may have to break down and go to a walk-in clinic tomorrow if it's not better. 

i am canceling a photo shoot that REALLY needed to be done tomorrow.

very bummed.

1/14/2010 9:41:32 AM
the woodshed bruises, welts, and knife marks are all gone and healed.  they lasted for almost two weeks.  nicely done!

now i am a raw canvas again.

work is going absolutely fantastic.  i found new places to advertise, and my southern-charms income has DOUBLED because of it.  my last trip to tampa, even with four cancellations because of the flu bug, kicked ass.  the voyeur cam and live internet show venue is also kicking ass.   and, i found a new venue for bbw webcam and will be starting that today and tomorrow.  my tantra site is in the works.  i have the domain, and i have the bare bone skeleton of it, and i decided i would build the rest all by myself.  so i am back into the world of html HELL.  i don't think i've driven my webmistress crazy yet...maybe only one phone call or email per day asking, "WTF am i doing wrong?" or "how the @#$% do i do this?"

all in all, things are going very well.  i truly love my job(s).  do i wish i had sick pay?  medical insurance?  vacation pay?  401(k)?  a pension plan?  of course i do.  but corporate america and i haven't been a good fit for many years now, and i don't know if we ever will be again.

this cold weather here has been absolutely unreal.  i was looking forward to little tiny electricity bills.  but with having to use space heaters to keep warm when it's gotten down to 28 degrees several nights in a row, there went that plan.  i've blown a few fuses overloading the electrical wiring here.  and i've heard about several people's houses burning down because of space heater fires.  so it's been scary but i've been diligent. 

Locally, we have been plaqued with sinkholes in Polk and Hillsborough counties, probably because the farmers are using huge amounts of water to keep their crops from freezing, drawing large amounts of water from the aquifer too quickly.  Our interstate, several main roads, and private homes are seeing damage.

my cats have been my constant companion in my nice toasty bedroom and i am so glad they are MY cats and they are safe with a nice warm bed at nice.  i see many stray cats roaming the streets here, and at the very end of my street, is a wooded area where there is a very large feral cat community.  it breaks my heart to see these cats just breed and breed and breed, and roam the streets, scavenging for food, and trying to stay warm in the sub-freezing temperatures at night.  meanwhile, my three feast on soft food with gravy, dry cat food, canned mackerel and salmon, and honey ham slices and sleep in a nice, soft, warm bed with their mommy every night.  i belong to a local board where there are some stray animals posted in the hopes that someone will adopt them.  i had to stop looking at those posts because it literally breaks my heart that i can't take those animals.

speaking of heartbreaking, the earthquake in haiti and the devastation that followed...huge lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.  my thoughts and prayers go out to them.

i feel very blessed that right now, at least for me, life is good.

1/1/2010 4:08:04 PM
i cannot think of a better way to ring in the new year than by playing with one of my favorite sadists in the whole wide world.  and that is exactly what happened last night at the woodshed in orlando.  my ass is thoroughly bruised, welted, and full of little teeny tiny scabs.  my tits have looooong beautiful lines of tiny scabs.  my thighs and shoulders are marked too.  the endorphins are gone, but the memory remains.

i have a vanilla friend who had two pretty boring alternatives for NYE so i invited him to come with me.  he's pretty open minded so i was pretty confident he wouldn't run away screaming.  he did great.  he said this was the best NYE he ever had, and he will never forget it.  i am so happy and so proud of him for having the courage to bust his dungeon/BDSM cherry.

today was absolutely 100% unproductive.  i had such plans.  silly me.  i got to bed at 6:00 a.m. and slept til 1:20 p.m.

all i've done today is answer emails, texts, PMs and phone calls, consumed vast amounts of food (i don't know why, but today i am STARVING) and did a few loads of laundry.  and of course pet my cats many many times but that's common behavior here.  zoe is laying next to me grooming herself and licking my hand when i stop petting her.  i had hoped to start on the tantra site but i am soooo exhausted.  and content!

now, i am wondering where global warming is when you need it.  it is going to be 30 degrees tonight here.  this is FLORIDA.  it's not supposed to be 30 degrees! 

i do feel sorry for all the tourists who come here for warm weather.  i love tourists.  as long as they don't drive when they are here.  holy moly, i've been to kissimmee a lot in the past week and every single time, they have snarled up traffic, been involved in numerous accidents, and drive like completely lost lunatics.  probably because they ARE completely lost lunatics.  just stay in the hotels and take the shuttle buses, ok?

hope everyone had a great NYE.  what did you do for it?  whether you went to the best kick-ass party on the planet, or you stayed home in your own digs, i hope it was a good one.

2010 is going to be a great year.

life is good.

12/31/2009 6:05:18 AM
i woke up this morning and the first thought that went through my head was, "i'm playing at the woodshed tonight!!!!!!!"

what a nice way to start the day :-)

a few days ago, i was nervous.  not anymore!  i am psyched! 

yesterday was a great day.  i did two live internet shows - one of them was a contest on sexual trivia.  the peeps who come to the shows and interact are a riot.  they were spitting out such funny answers that i was literally LMAOPIMP right on camera.  i wish i would have saved the transcript so i could post some of their hilarious answers. 

today's task is totally revamping my site with new photos and a whole new look.  the domain was transferred over and i have access to the C-panel.  and the design has been backed up so if i fuck it up too much today, they can revert to the old one just in case. 

if i finish that, i will work on my brand new baby to whom i'm hoping to give birth by the weekend - the tantra website.  i am envisioning it and i am not creative enough to try to draw it out for a webmaster, so i am attempting to do it myself.  so far i haven't found a template that i like or can revise to what i want, so, after avoiding it like the plague, i am going to jump into HTML.  perhaps the voyeur cam members will be amused as i pull out my hair, wail, gnash my teeth, and....WAIT!  STOP THAT!

/end reverting to old behavior
/begin new behavior

meditate...'s all good...positive WILL work.  i CAN do this.  i WILL do this...envision it complete...bask in the completeness....FEEL the completeness...BE in the completeness...

attention deficit disorder kicks in.  uh oh....

SMACK!  CRACK!  THWACK!  "ooohhhh....uuuuhhhh....mmmmmm.....OOOOHHHHH!!!!"

/end fantasizing about tonight
/begin refocusing

white light.  purity.  goodness.  relax into it.  become it.....


"ooohhhhhhhhh yessssssssss!  OHHH GOD YESSSSSSSS!"

wait a minute.  i'm supposed to be meditating! 

relax...breathe deep...feel every muscle relax...breathe deeper.  feel the cleansing breaths in...exhale out....


/gives up trying to meditate
/resume old behavior
/begin wailing, gnashing of teeth, pulling out hair

mama kitty, sushi and zoe climb up on my bed to see what's going on.

/begin petting kittehs

ahhhhh...all is well again.  chi is restored.  balance achieved.

therapeutic fur again to the rescue.

***best wishes to everyone for a happy new year, and a safe new year, and a prosperous new year, and a fulfilling new year!***

please, don't drink and drive.  stay safe out there.

life is good. 

12/29/2009 11:46:34 PM
just wanted to thank everyone who helped vote for an acquaintance's yahoo group in wingman's adult group of the year.

he went from fifth place to SECOND place in just TWO DAYS!!!

just a coincidence? 

i think not.

collarme has a great group of people who help each other?

i daresay so.

here's the info if you haven't voted yet.  there's still two more days to vote.

group activity - strong community
group focus - social
image rating level - softcore erotica or hardcore porn
overall value - must join

thanks again for helping to  make this group leader happy!

12/29/2009 3:07:00 PM
i feel so blessed right now!  my dear friend and tantra mentor let me and my photographer invade her home today and take over almost every room. 

it has been A LONG TIME since the flow was so perfect.  we banged out a lot of work, and the great thing is that it is GOOD work.  there is not too much that is gonna be unused.  i am so excited.  i have great new photos for the dominatrix site, the tantra site, the southern-charms site, the rude site, the clips4sale site.....holy moly it was just sooooooo good today.  what a wonderful thing when that happens.

now this may sound hokey but i also feel it was because of the energy at my mentor's place.  she is amazing with surrounding herself with positive energy and abundance.  and the place is decorated like a professional decorator came through...

it's pretty rare that i get so excited about photo shoots - i hope that we can recreate that energy and the flow next time!

life is good.

12/28/2009 5:50:17 PM
to whoever is in charge of the weather:

ok.  we get your point.  you can do whatever you want when you want and how long you want.  we are at your mercy.  you are the ultimate dominant.  we understand that.  now please, PLEASE take away these nights in the 30s???  you are seriously interfering with my camping plans!!



12/28/2009 6:42:55 AM
hey peeps.  please help me do a favor for a email list manager.  he's trying to get his group to win wingman's adult group of the year.

i think he's down several hundred votes so i am asking my friends to help him out.  voting closes in a few days.  personally, i think he is obsessing over it cuz it's all he talks about these days, but hey, it will only take a few minutes of your time to vote and if he wins, you'll make him a very happy man.

group activity - strong community
group focus - social
image rating level - softcore erotica or hardcore porn
overall value - must join

thanks peeps.  chalk this up for your good deed of the day.


12/28/2009 5:42:19 AM
for all who celebrate christmas, i hope yours was a blessed one.

i had a great day.  i was spoiled rotten by my family for my birthday and for christmas, and i spoiled them back.  yes, i went way overboard on spending and buying this year, but hey, i can say i did my part to boost the economy, and i love spoiling my family.  the look of surprise and happiness on their faces as they open cards and gifts is so much fun to watch.  i am so grateful i have a line of work that has enabled me to do that these past years. 

however, it's time to get back to the grindstone because i depleted a large portion of my disposable income, and also couldn't resist some purchases that dipped into my emergency cushion!  time to replete!  i've made some business decisions and will be focusing on fort lauderdale, miami, kissimmee, and of course, tampa bay in 2010 for my work.  more traveling, which i am ambivalent about...i love to travel, but i miss my kitties horribly, and my own space, when i am gone.  but it's time to branch out and meet new clients.  so i have been busy researching those markets and hopefully making some wise decisions that will make 2010 my best year yet.

cecil at the woodshed mentioned he found some wicked old toys and it looks like he will break them out at the woodshed new year's eve....on me, at least.  i'm kinda nervous, because i haven't played in so long.  and kinda nervous, because i haven't played so intense in even a longer time.  he is a sadist, no doubt about it, so i'll be challenged.  i am hoping my masochistic genes will kick in and take over, even though they have been dormant for so long, not by choice though!

life is good.

12/23/2009 6:52:36 PM
had a great time at sir steffan's daytime party today. 

i really only just went there to get birthday spankings.  really.  and i was spanked by two wonderful men. 

i really had no intention of participating in the other lady's gangbang.  really.  but somehow, i found myself dragged to the mattresses on the floor, and the rest is a blur....cocks, cocks, cocks, all shapes, all sizes, all lovely....

and the surprise of the day was connecting with a fellow tantra student right there in the middle of the gangbang.

synchronized breathing, eyegazing, moving energy up the chakras, awakening kundalini, firebreathing, mmmmmm....i don't know if the people watching us knew what we were doing, but we sure did and it was absolutely amazing.  i had to break the connection before it went too deep, which it was doing very rapidly. 

tantra is so incredible on so many different levels :-)

i am one very tired but very happy sammie.

the photos on my profile will be taken down and replaced with other newer ones.  i have changed my look.  everytime i looked in the mirror, i saw dowdy and frumpy and outdated.  i asked my mentor's hairstylist to give me something modern, polished, professional.  so far, everyone likes it - except those who love to grab and pull my hair ;-)

life is good.

12/19/2009 2:07:58 PM

lows in the 30s the next few nights?????


sheesh!  global warming, my fuckin' ass!

send this shit back up north where it belongs!

(the management apologizes for the crude, vulgar and unladylike language above and wishes to assure the reader this is not typical behavior and is not tolerated.  management will address this issue immediately.  until then, have an electric blanket and a hot toddy, compliments of the house.)

12/18/2009 11:13:48 AM
I WILL BE GOING to lifestyleexplorers' daytime party next week, on wednesday.  sir steffan has said he will be happy to oblige my request for birthday spankings.

dear cecil at the new and improved woodshed also volunteered his resources, and reminded me of some evil toys he got out of storage...i have GOT to get over there!!!

wow, such wonderful people willing to spank my ass for my birthday....i feel so blessed LOL!

i heard fetish circuit, still having monthly parties at the honey pot in ybor city, has added dates at altpathway in tampa!  i STILL haven't made it to altpathway yet but i only hear positive things about it...good food, good prices, good drinks, good staff, good drag shows, good fun...and now you combine that with fetish circuit being there, who go all-out on their parties, i don't see how you could go wrong. 

are we blessed, or what?

having a great trip in tampa, very profitable, very fun, very energizing, very validating.  i'll sleep when i'm dead.

life is good.

12/4/2009 10:01:01 AM
females on here get a lot of email.  i mean  A LOT.  single females get even more email, i think.

it's really strange when emails come in from people all around the world, and the same thread resonates throughout each email.  

the latest thread is, "wow, you really know what you want."

so that made me wonder, why do i know what i REALLY want?  i think the reason why (yes, i know i am a WHY person, and i think i will ALWAYS be a WHY person) i know what i want, is because i have had so many relationships that ended in failure and from each one i have learned what i DON'T want.

so instead of focusing on the pain and rejection and failure of each relationship, and living in fear that it will happen again, i need to be grateful that each one has shaped me and defined me even better to know what works for me, and what doesn't work for me.

and rather than waste someone's time, i am just gonna lay all that self-discovery out on the line in the very beginning.

another thing i hear a lot is, "you are so real."

my mentor once told me that the reason she wanted to mentor me, and why she was drawn to me, is because "you are one of the most authentic people i know."

i know that there are a lot of fakes on here, i hear that all the time from disgruntled subs and doms.  i don't really have much interaction with strangers due to lack of free time, and to be blunt, due to lack of patience with people who are on here for playing games, so i am lucky that i have not experienced much with that.  and if the person isn't local and we cannot connect face-to-face soon, i lose interest quickly.

in some ways, as much as i hate my borderline personality disorder thinking, i think it has actually made me a better person in perhaps a few positive ways.

borderline personality disorder people tend to think in black and white.  right and wrong.  good and bad.  there is no grey.  

there is honest and dishonest.

honest is good.  dishonest is bad.

there is real and fake.  real is good.  fake is bad.

cut and dry.  very simple.  

not being able to think in the grey part has really fucked up my life.  but i am working on that.  

until i learned about my tendency to live and think in only black/white, and realized what i have been doing, and resolved to change the way i think, i have lived my whole life like that.

due to my prior inability to live in the grey, and ignorance to even know i could live in the grey, i have had no desire to live in dishonesty or in inauthenticity.  it woud be very dificult and very emotionally, mentally, and spiritually draining for me to do that.

lying is bad.  honesty is good.  case closed.

i am learning to live in the grey more, but for me, lying, dishonesty, cheating, leading someone on, playing games...all that still remains, in my opinion, as wrong, as bad, as undesirable.

i probably could be a lot more successful in my adult work if i could lie more and be inauthentic.  but i can't.  suppose i have a client who really wants scat and that is a hard limit for me.  i could tell that client that yes, i could indulge in his certain fantasy only to have him show up and then make up an excuse as to why i couldn't do it that day.  lots of dommes do that.  

i could lie about my video content or my photo content and promise things that aren't really in them to make a sale, and then come up with an excuse if the person bothered to question me.

this is common business practice in my industry.  admittedly, it can be a very sleazy industry.  it amazes me the lengths that people will go through to make a buck.  i was alerted to the fact that a person i worked with in the past was using my content on sites i did not know about, and was making money off it.  so this week i had to scour the internet for DMCAs.  when someone uses your adult content against your consent, you can file a DMCA.  i found my content being sold against my consent on dozens of sites this week.  hours and hours were spent ensuring this was taken down.  and i will never work with this person again, and i will never go to a photo shoot if she will be in attendance.  

so while BPD has been a major factor in my screwed-up, fucked-up life, i am grateful for the fact that it has caused me to live in truthfulness, in authenticity, and in sincerity of intent.

some people may think i am lying by being a submissive with slave-like tendencies in my personal life, and being a dominatrix in my business life.  i would have thought the same five years ago.  but now, it makes perfect sense, and i am able to keep the two separate.  VERY separate.  i have great respect for ladies who are dominant in their professional dominatrix business, as well as in their personal life.  they truly are DOMINANTS.  i am not.  i assume a persona, a role, and i am just using my submissive experience to give a client what i KNOW he wants and needs.  am i lying to the client?  i don't think so, because i never claim to be a dominant in my personal life.  he is purchasing a block of my time to engage in bdsm activities with a woman who will dominate him.  and for that session, i do dominate him.  then we go our separate ways and he reenters his world where he reassumes his roles, and so do i.  our arrangement is a business transaction for a preset amount of time.  

if the client assumes i am dominant in my personal life, since my personal life is really none of his business, do i need to address this issue with him?  i don't think so.

so what do you think?  am i lying and just rationalizing?

12/1/2009 2:35:49 PM
i have a lot more respect for someone who has the balls to say in their profile that they are a switch or are bisexual than to go behind people's backs to get off on their "dirty little secret."

11/30/2009 8:42:21 AM
my dear friend and tantra mentor has witnessed firsthand the way the bdsm community comes together for fellow members.  she saw a huge group of people help me during my last move.  she has asked that i "put out the word for her."  she is an older woman, a grandmother, and is single, and could sure use a hand THIS SATURDAY at a storage facility in land o' lakes.  she has help on the kissimmee end of the move (unless you really want to drive all that way and help!!) but could really use help unloading her storage units unto a truck at 10 a.m. this saturday at a storage unit by collier parkway and route 54 in land o' lakes.  call me or email me or PM me here or text me.  PLEASE - NO INSTANT MESSAGES on yahoo or any of those - i haven't logged in for weeks!


11/19/2009 6:12:41 AM
Rather than email everyone individually, I'll use this to say that all plans to meet people or play with people or continue correspondence with people are on hold indefinitely.

My father passed away early yesterday morning. 

He was a good man who loved his children and his grandchildren, and loved his wife of sixty-three years.

He was very humble yet had tremendous self-esteem.  He taught us character traits of honesty and the self-worth that comes with a good work ethic.  He never intruded into our lives but gave of himself freely, unconditionally and generously when asked.

He died peacefully and painlessly and for that I am grateful.

And I am also grateful I have very, very few regrets.

Take the time, NOW, to spend with those you love, and tell them you love them, before it's too late.

Dad would have never given unsolicited advice like that.  In that regard, I take after my mother!

11/15/2009 8:43:44 AM
Two more clients and then I am on my way to my beloved campground with an old galpal. 

This trip to Tampa turned out to be wonderful.  I had three cancellations so I was getting a bit concerned that it would not go well, but it all ended up fine.  I had yet another long-lost client find me, and we just finished a wonderful session.  He is such a sensation junkie.  I find that I feed off the energy and it energizes me after a session.  Nipple clamps, ball clamps, tacky-toy play (my needle paint roller, a new penis sheath lined in needles) tickle play, flogging, cropping, caning, tease and denial, all while in bondage and blindfolded...

I love my clients but many many times I wish it were me tied to the table having these wonderfully delicious torments performed on me. 

But I am serving them, fulfilling their NEED, and that excites me.

I was reacquainted with one of my favorite photographers and we met up in Apopka and went to a small Southern-Charms photo shoot.  I saw old friends and made new ones, including an INCREDIBLE video and photo shoot of me on the sybian, while a dominatrix practiced orgasm control, then forced orgasms, on me.  By the end of the shoot, the other models and their husbands/photographers were looking through the glass french doors with their jaws on the ground, and I noticed all the guys were sporting WOOD!  It was great!  The observers all agreed this video will be major "cha-ching!"  I met a very interesting videographer and we spoke about working together.  I am very, very excited about that - the chemistry was very good, and he was excellent in keeping a low, unobtrusive profile, yet getting all the action.
On my way back to Tampa, I stopped off at home where my kitties were all curled up in warm furballs on  my bed.  I wanted soooo much to crawl in there with them and cuddle, but I only had time to grab a warm comforter and pet them and scratch behind their ears and rub their bellies and spoil them with honey ham lunch meat.  I don't know if I imagined it, but they all were staring at me as I left, like, "That's right, just go off again, leave us you always do....just go....that's right, fine, FINE, just go!"

After my last client leaves here today, I am off for three days and two nights of camping, COLD nights (tonight's low is 45 degrees!) but i can't wait.  More photo shoots with a good friend, and a photographer that I love to shoot with.

Then off to the space coast for a few days. 

My kitties are going to hate me.

11/13/2009 1:13:21 PM
so what happened to the fricken' balance to which i committed not even a month ago?


so much going on in life right now.  but it's all good.  even though i am learning about hinduism and buddhism and taoism in my tantra work, my christianity background scripture memorization kicks in..."all things come together for those who love the lord and who are called according to his purpose..."

all good things are happening.  even parents going through the cycle of life, death and rebirth are good things.  even children floundering and learning their own way and deciding their own lifepath are good things.  i will love them unconditionally, encourage them, hold them, be there for them. 

i am basking in the afterglow of a wonderful ecstatic transforming session with a new client - two hours of complete bliss, shifting between tantra and dominatrix work and back again, with a complete virgin of both, and he loved it.  he was radiant.  so am i.  he was able to totally surrender and just BE.  a natural.

plus i was able to connect with several very dear long-term clients yesterday.  it just keeps getting better as we continue to learn and explore. 

i love my work.

special thanks to john and starla at who spoiled me with wonderful exquisite new CBT toys for my clients.  their stuff is top notch and you cannot beat their price. 

life is good.

11/7/2009 7:58:37 AM
excerpt from an email received this morning:

Don't particularly care for karaoke or camping anymore, lol, the last time I had to burn a tick free of xx's crotch and that finished it for us.

It's times like that in which I am reminded what a masochist I am. 

I LOOOOOVE having my crotch burned wih cigars, incense, lighters...

If someone had to burn a tick off my crotch, I would get wet and horny.

In fact, just thinking about it I am wet and horny.


Where's a good sadist when you need him?

11/6/2009 11:35:04 PM
i just got back from another very nice visit with family on the space coast, and i do believe there is psychological healing there.  counseling appointments are being kept, educational obligation are being met.  i thank the universe every day for this progress. 

yes, the bottom can still drop out at any moment.  but i am not going to live in fear of that.  i am taking each moment at a time, and living in gratitude for each stable moment.

my dad is being moved to the same nursing home that my mom has lived in for five years for her alzheimer's. he cannot go home on his own.  he is way too weak and deconditioned.  it is up in the air as to how long he will be in the nursing home.  he will get occupational and physical therapy.

he is NOT HAPPY about us insisting that he not go home, and go to the nursing home instead.

better that he be mad at us than fall on the floor and be stuck there for hours again.

it is 62 degrees in my room because i have the back door wide open, and the windows open.  i love it.  great sleeping weather.  plus, all the kitties are curled up into little furballs in bed with me.

i am soooooooooo excited because in the middle of my tantra/dominatrix work in tampa next week, i am going to apopka for another photo shoot in the mcmansion where i shot last fall and had such excellent results.  and a very dear friend of mine said he would be happy to come and photograph me there.  he did excellent work on me before at the mcmansion in temple terrace, and at the campsite.  i am thrilled to have a chance to work with him.

then, immediately after the trip to tampa, i will be heading north to the withlacoochee forest for a few days of camping and more photo shoots.  i'll be working with another photographer that i've known for a long time, too, and am really excited about that, because it has been probably two years since we've worked together.

plus....i LOVE CAMPING.  and this is PERFECT camping weather.  highs in the low 80s, lows in the 60s.  :-))))

i had a flare-up of my degenerative disk disease and had to cancel everything for four days last week.  but that's ok.  i did a lot of reading while i was flat on my back.  i've been doing a lot of research and a lot of thinking about what i believe. 

to me, it is a sham to slap on a vinyl dress and hold a crop and say you're a domme.  and in the same vein, i think it's a sham to put on a gauzy veil, get my nose pierced, and say i am a dakini.  i am really taking what i am learning to heart, and trying my best to live it.  not just practice what you preach, but internalize it and believe it with your heart and your mind.

i am agonizing over text for the best website possible for my tantra work.  i am such a newbie at it, there is so much to learn and internalize and use in my practice.  but one has to start somewhere.  i've been very blessed that my mentor is such a good sounding board and she knows me so well and can help me say what i want to say and keep me focused, because it is easy for me to get sidetracked with subthemes and all the myriad views of tantra.

one thing i know for sure.

i want to continue to incorporate bdsm into my tantra sessions, and i want to continue to incorporate tantra into my professional dominatrix sessions.  i don't know WHY yet, i just know that i HAVE TO do it, and that it makes sense, and it is all connected!  it's like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle coming together.  for me, tantra and bdsm complement each other and complete each other.

with my back going out, i wonder how many more years do i have left in me to do any kind of work.  but i am not going to panic over it.  i am just going to apply myself as much as i can, and save, save, save.

of course, having a sugar daddy find me wouldn't hurt either.  ;-)  the casting call on my previous entry went pretty well and i know i won't have a problem getting that wrestling shoot done.  so now i will put out to the universe a desire for a sugar daddy in my old age!!

well, doesn't hurt to try, does it??  :-)))

i'll give a great soft blow job with my dentures out!

life is interesting.  life is constantly fluctuating.

life is good.

11/6/2009 12:01:14 PM
casting call:  slender male (race not a factor but body type is) who can wrestle me on video and in stills photo shoot and then fuck.

no compensation but i do barter ;-)

you get to keep the finished footage (you cannot sell it though) and you get a month's free pass to one of my websites. 

you must fill out model release and 2257 form and a photo of your driver's license is kept on file. 

you can be masked and cover tattoos if needed.

if you can wrestle convincingly, and can keep a hard-on with the cameras rolling and a condom on, let's talk! 

send me a photo of your WHOLE body, not just a cock pic!

this needs to be done quickly, so if you are out of town and coming to florida in six months, that won't work.

10/29/2009 10:18:48 AM
i won't be going to altpathways after all on halloween :-(

i did a ten hour photo/video shoot yesterday and was invited to go to a local swing club halloween party this saturday with a very nice man and a very nice lady.

if tampa was closer, i would still go to altpathways and then fetish circuit afterward but i'm planning on letting loose with wine....i mean, REALLY letting loose with wine, and this way, i don't have to drive. 

10/27/2009 8:48:35 PM
i am really gonna try to go to the fetish halloween dinner at altpathways this saturday.  anybody wanna go with me?

10/27/2009 7:08:14 PM
just got back from a wonderful visit to the space coast.  my only regret is that it ended far too soon, even though i was there a week.

i'm scheduling photo shoots...if there is anyone who has expressed an interest in doing my still photos and videos for me, but i've stalled because of things being so busy, please contact me as i am planning shoots in november and december.

also need "stunt cocks", "stunt doms," and "stunt subs," as always :-) 

10/17/2009 9:45:19 AM
i am feeling very very blessed right now.

i feel blessed that i am learning balance. 

balance between finances, family and friends.  there are, of course, great demands on each of us in so many realms.  i am learning the difference between anxiety and serenity is balance.

there are still crises on each side of the state.  i think a year ago i would have been in panic mode 24/7.  but i am learning.  the anxiety is better.  not perfect, but better. 

a year ago, i don't think i would have been much good for either situation.  but i think i am doing good at both now.  not as much as i would like, and sometimes i am just confused as to exactly what i should do and that brings on uncertainty and fear, but i am diligently working on that.   i do have my bad moments, but for the most part i think i have come a long way.

i am off to tampa to resume my position at the side of my father's cardiac center bed.  he has been in the hospital for almost two weeks.  we are not sure if he will be able to go back home and he is not very happy about that. 

meanwhile, things are quiet on the other side of the coast. at least, right this second.  that can change at anytime.  i will be there this thursday and staying there for a week.  i am looking forward to that. 

last week, i had to run over there again, and after things calmed down and people were coherent again, i spent a good two hours on the beach with the person involved, listening to the high tide roll in, watching the dim stars in the slivered moon, and we were able to communicate and connect even after the chaotic events in the hours before.  i think the most important thing you can do sometimes is just listen.  suggest a few things here and there, and convey your unconditional love and acceptance, no matter what. 

earlier this week, i was able to sneak away from family obligations for two days and do enough tantra and dominatrix work to keep me afloat for a while, and still manage to see two dear friends for nice visits, to boot.  the successful business in tampa the past few days is a huge strain off me, what a relief.  i am so grateful for faithful clients.  i didn't even have to see one new client this trip...just "oldies but goodies."  i am still not ready to open up a full time dungeon/tantra studio again, this will have to suffice for now.  and it IS sufficing.  for that, i am also very grateful.

i feel very blessed....regardless of what life is throwing at me.

p.s. if anyone would like to get together over by the space coast next week, let's do it.  monday through thursday evenings between 5 and 730 and mornings are good for me.

10/11/2009 8:10:25 PM
another emergent call last night had me suddenly leave the hospital bedside of a loved one in tampa, to rush to the space coast for a family emergency on that side of the state.  several years ago i think i would be having a meltdown because of all this, but right now everything is being taken in stride.  i attribute that to the very calming effect that meditation, conscious breathing, and working on moving energy through my body through the chakras brings. 

and that, to me at least, just validates my tantra provider work and makes it even more fulfilling to me.
i noticed today while on A1A and patrick drive a lot of marquees on those roads announced condolences to the family of a sergeant who was killed in afghanistan last week who hailed from that area. 

if you are so inclined, take a moment to send thoughts and prayers to this man's loved ones.  by all reports, it appears he was a great soldier and family member who loved his family and was proud to serve his country. 

10/8/2009 8:00:35 PM
critical situations with family on both sides of the state means no journal entries or escapades of note to share. 

when it rains, it pours......right now it feels like a typhoon.

9/23/2009 4:57:46 PM
hear ye hear ye.

this saturday and sunday, september 26 and 27, from 8 am to 5 pm, i am having a HUGE garage sale in land o' lakes.

size 11 shoes, some ladies size M, some ladies size L, LOTS and LOTS of ladies size XL, 1x, 2x and 3x.  wigs, some bras and panties.

this is most of my sissy salon inventory from my alter ego, mistress trysta. 

my tantra mentor is also adding book cases, books, books on CD, a cooler, kitchen miscellaneous, linens, and miscellaneous electronics.

if you are interested, PM me for the address.

life is good.

p.s. yes, i did clean my house last weekend!

and NO, THE SYBIAN IS NOT INCLUDED IN THE GARAGE SALE!!! (did i mention i am part owner of a sybian with a bunch of attachments?)  i did a live voyeur/group sex show online this weekend and it was a great hit!

9/19/2009 8:50:29 AM
how to clean house (for those who hate to clean house).

1.  three days beforehand, decide you REALLY need to clean house, and start to prepare yourself for this traumatic experience.  go to sleep doing affirmations of how much you look forward to cleaning and how nice it will be once you have cleaned and organized your space.

2.  two days beforehand, look around and imagine in your mind what you want to do when you clean.  go to sleep doing your Cleaning affirmations again.

3.  one day beforehand, keep visualizing what you want to do, knowing that you will wake up the next morning ready to do your Great Clean.  go to sleep imagining yourself doing the very tasks required the next day.

4.  on the day of the Major Traumatic Event, wake up and take a shower and start the first load of laundry.

5.  be proud of the fact that you got out of bed.

6.  check your email.

7.  pet the cats.

8.  feed the cats.

9.  on the way in from doing laundry, pet the landlady's brother's cat for fifteen minutes.

10. style your hair before it dries.

11.  pet the cats again because they smell the landlady's brother's cat on you now.

12.  check your email again.

13.  follow links that people sent you.

14.  go to, log in, and click on your Nine Inch Nails station to get your heart pumping and the energy flowing.

15.  read the blogs to which you subscribe.

16.  read the new email that's come in during this time, and reply accordingly.

17.  switch from Nine Inch Nails station to Aphex Twin station.

18.  decide which of the two stations is best to clean to.

19.  go on all your fetish sites and check your email.

20.  go back to your regular email and answer those new ones.

21.  decide to eat a bagel with cream cheese for energy.

22.  get your clean laundry from the dryer and pet the landlady's brother's cat again.

23.  pet your cats again.

24.  realize that you really, really, really got to get your ass in gear to get this cleaning done.

25.  try another pandora station get you in the mood - rob zombie seems like a good choice.

26.  try the rammstein station.

27.  the rammstein station brings back memories of a dom you scened with with rammstein in the background, and email him a hello.

28.  burn some "Mad Men" and "True Blood" DVDs for a relative.

29.  drink a ton of diet peach iced tea to give you energy and have to pee every half hour.

30.  take some quick-acting vitamins.

31.  five hours after you wake up, look around and will yourself to get up and clean. 

32.  look longingly at the bottle of white zinfandel on the kitchen counter.

33.  do a new journal entry on your fetish account about how much you hate cleaning.

34.  wish you had a dom to whom you are accountable.

35.  realize you are stronger if you don't have a dom to whom you are accountable, but clean anyway because you know it needs to be done and you know you possess the self-discipline to do a few minutes.....

36.  check your emails one more time.

37.  change the pandora station to filter.

38.  change the pandora station to stabbing westward.

39.  realize you are running out of things to do to procrastinate.

40.  search in vain for cats to pet.  traitors - they are out hunting lizards.

41.  flip on the TV to see if anything looks good enough to clean to.

42.  give up on TV and go back to pandora and try marilyn manson.

43.  OK OK OK enough is enough!!  it's almost noon and you still haven't cleaned, and even CHILDREN are more self-disciplined than this!

44.  reluctantly step away from the computer and........

so, did she clean, or didn't she? 

9/16/2009 12:43:56 PM
so i'm throwing a surprise birthday party for my mentor tomorrow night and there is a running joke among us girls about how much she needs a cabana boy to cater to her every whim in her life.  so i went on craigslist last week and found a guy willing to do a one-time gig of a cabana boy.  a very handsome young male emailed me back with his photo and said he would do it, and the price we agreed on was comfortable for us both.

he hasn't confirmed with me today like he said he would, and i am starting to worry that the "Main Event" will not show up to the party!

if you can travel north of tampa tomorrow evening, if you are young, slender, handsome, and preferably, LATINO (the more latino looking you are, the better) can provide your own cabana props (portable tropical music, a palm frond to fan her, cute cabana boy shorts, maybe a mesh top, etc., etc., etc.) and want to make some very easy money by staying for a minimum of fifteen minutes and entertaining at least eight hot women, contact me asap.


this is going to be in a public restaurant in a semi-private room.

9/15/2009 10:48:18 AM
sedona was AWESOME.  it was one of the highlights of the trip.

phoenix was dry, not a lot of green.  some of the green was parched green.  instead of lush st. augustine lawn everywhere you look, like what i am used to, there was sand, rocks and dirt for front lawns.  grass was scarce.  trees do not grow tall.  it just looks HOT.  but it has a beauty of its own.  and of course the mountains all around are awe-inspiring.

we headed north and went through big towns and little towns.  i just gaped with my mouth open at cattle and horses in the fields, and having my ears pop as the elevation increased.  with the increase in elevation came more lush plant life.  greener, taller trees, more grass.  there were lots of mobile homes and small homes tucked into hills and valleys. 

finally when we got close to sedona, i saw my first glimpse of red rocks.  my mentor kept looking over at me and smiling, because she knew what would be coming up around the bend.  i "ooooooooh"ed and "aaaaaaaaah"ed but when we got closer to sedona, i literally could not speak because the beauty was so indescribable.  and the ENERGY!!!! ooooh my gawsh!!!  the energy was palpable!  the closer we got, the stronger it got.  i kid you not.  i could feel it in my gut.  in some places it was so strong i could have sworn there was something in my stomach.  at other times, it was there, always present, but not as strong.

the town is beautiful.  touristy in some areas, but it was kept tasteful. 

we toured sedona temple and sedona temple school of erotic arts, which were both very nice.  the temple itself is constructed, furnished and decorated beautifully, both inside and out.  there was even a temple cat that let me pet him and pet him and pet him.  was he just being affectionate?  or did he sense how much i miss my kitties and yearned for therapeutic fur and was willing to give that gift to me?

after a while, i was drawn to be back outside.  so we went up to a mountain observation point and watched the sun set over the mountains, and i kept turning around looking at the red rock mountains change colors as the sun sank lower and lower.  i took lots of photos and will try to post them when i get them from my mentor.

after sunset i watched the town below grow dark and the lights come on and twinkle.  we drove back down and spent almost two hours in a crystal shop. 

there is a lot of spirituality in sedona.  christian churches of all denominations, new age spaces, tarot and palm reading, metaphysical spaces, something for everyone. 

we didn't have much time and both of us wanted to go to the crystal shop.  so off we went.  as soon as i walked in, i could feel good energy.  there were crystals and rocks and native american things all over.  but in the back was a separate room.  i did not even get across the threshold when i felt a huge force of energy hit me.  inside the room were crystals of all sizes and shapes.  the most expensive one was $6000.  these natural works of art were just magnificent.  all kinds of shapes and sizes and projections and was mind-boggling and i probably stood in that room for at least fifteen minutes just absorbing all that energy. 

i picked up some souveniers (spent waaaaaayyyyy too much money, of course), and we headed back to phoenix, and were up past 1 a.m. talking.  we both woke up by 5:30 and i have been awake since, but i am not tired.  i am so energized.  it is just amazing. 

as we drove through the mountains back south to phoenix, i could feel the ebbing of the energy.  it was really kewl because my mentor and i would compare notes and we both felt the same ebb and flows.  so i know this was not my imagination.  the energy was truly tangible.  i will never forget that feeling.

in a few years when my loved ones move on to live their life, or pass to the next dimension, i will be free to move wherever i want to go in the world.  it's a big world out there.  lots of choices.

i have learned that i probably will not move to phoenix.

however, visiting sedona and being recharged as often as possible is a definite must.

i am at the phoenix airport having just sent off my mentor to tampa, and waiting for my flight to orlando, having fun people watching and hoping that no one can see my computer screen.  i really do not like the fact that collarme has nudity in their advertisements.  i don't like the fact that someone could look over and be offended by the webpage i am on. we know, sex sells.  i should's my full-time job.

life is good!

9/13/2009 1:58:50 PM



the Great Rite was................


just found out that tomorrow my mentor and i are driving to the sedona temple and school of temple arts in...guess where...sedona.  i really want to feel the energy vortex and that would be a great way to end this trip and come home all energized and ready to go back to work.

there is a post-conference workshop coming up in a few minutes called "how to establish sacred space and bring ceremony into a client practice." 

i'm REALLY looking forward to this, because i have been told that, as my alter ego Mistress Trysta, BBW Dominatrix, my sessions are very sensual and erotic and downright spiritual, and i definitely prefer to keep my sessions that way. 

people are checking out of their rooms and getting taxis and shuttles to the airport and packing up their cars for the long ride home and there is an ache in my heart as i see new friends drive away, and it dawned on me that the last time i felt this way was when i was at camp crucible, the bdsm camp that washington, DC's crucible puts on, in 2005. 

i think that feeling was much more pronounced back then, because my love of bdsm will never diminish.  i love what i learned here, but it feels like an adjunct to my life, not the love of my life.   tantra and shamanism and sexual energy and all these other side paths are wonderful and thrilling, and i can put them into practice in my work, but they are not my first love. 

the flogger.  the cane.  the crop.  the paddle.  bare hands.  needles.  a wise dominant man who has his act together and can lead a submissive woman in strength and security where their life path takes them.  pain blending with pleasure where the lines melt away.  incredible sex while bathed with the energy of an intense scene.  subspace - blessed, intimate, sacred subspace...

that is my first love.

9/13/2009 9:48:43 AM
we had an opportunity to take two shamanic journeys yesterday.  it was very powerful.  i guess the good thing about sleep deprivation is that my guard comes down, my defenses are eased.  it was a safe space to explore with like minded people.  the first shamanic journey started with this:

"dear ones, sacred ones:

i request a journey where i become aware of where my life force energy flows and/or it is blocked.  i request that those blocked be cleared.

blessed be."

my animal spirit guide was a golden serpent. 

there is a lot i could say here...but it is too personal.  so i won't.  sorry if that disappoints you, but there are things that disturbed me and i am still thinking about them and working them out.  i think when i get it all worked out, it won't disturb me anymore.

the second shamanic journey i chose this time to go inward.  the intent was:  "dear ones, sacred ones:  I request a journey in which i experience ecstatic shamanic union with source energy."

the serpent led me on a tour of my body.  my brain, my ears, my eyes, my nostrils, my mouth, all the way down, then back up to my core, to the center of my sex.  now i guess it would make for great reading if i told you that the drum beat, steady, rhythmic, never ceasing, and the moans and deep breaths of people near me brought me to instant orgasm that was out of this world. 

but that's not what happened. 

what happened was a deep appreciation of the beauty and the mystery and the wonder of the female body, of my female body.  some of those parts are not there anymore, but interestingly, they still were in my shamanic journey.  their essence was there.  and even though my uterus has been removed due to my choice of elective hysterectomy because of so many years of hemorrhaging every period,  i thanked my uterus for doing its job all those years.  the hormones involved, the changes it caused, even the periods of rest that it caused, housing my children during their stay there...

not to bore you, i thanked my uterus, which in the physical world has been removed and macerated and disposed of, but in spirit is still with me.

my breathing would change without my knowing it - sometimes shallow, sometimes very deep.  sometimes i was silent, sometimes i was groaning.  i felt heat through my fingertips (we were in a shamanic trance body position that has you spread your fingertips as wide as you can and place them on both sides of your navel, and imagine you are pulling your navel open as wide as you can) coming from my belly.  we were in an air-conditioned room and the rest of my body was very cool.  but where my womb used to was radiating heat. 

veeeeeeeeeeeeeeery weird, eh?????

so what's next?

well, in less than an hour, i will be participating in my very first Great Rite. 

this will be a HUGE departure from all those years i spent a sunday morning in a baptist, or pentecostal, or non-denominational christian church!

because i am here as the guest of the president of asep and staying in her suite, i get to hear some privy details and from what i can tell, this rite is going to be quite erotic, and charged with vast amounts of sexual energy.

yesterday was VERY INTERESTING.  fakir musafar did a fascinating presentation of his own experience of pain taking him to transcendental states of consciousness.

and right afterward, was the leader of the chuluaqui-quodoushka movement.  and his feeling was that pain should not be a part of it at all - just pleasure.  i wanted to ask him then if HIS sundances did not include the chest hook pulls.  i didn't get to ask him but i am assuming they do not. 

unfortunately, fakir was not there; whether he would have commented during the Q&A time...i don't know.

what i would love would be to put these two gentlemen together and debate their views.  i think a lot of food for thought and years of collective wisdom and experience and insight could be gleaned - two extremes - one using pain for spiritual transcendence, and one only using pleasure.

there have been some very controversial presenters here.  rabbi hershy is another one.  a kabbalic shaman who is also an ordained rabbi, who had some really interesting twists on the Old Testament stories that i grew up with in the christian church.

life is good.

9/11/2009 6:56:48 PM
ok so it's the dinner break and yet i am in our suite alone typing.  i really am shy in big crowds and very much an introvert.  so while i love being around these people and absorbing their positive energy and then spreading it back (at least i hope i am), i also need time to be alone to recharge my batteries. 

the people here are fascinating.  all ages.  all walks of life.  the two major sexes, as well as some minority sexes.  all different backgrounds.  i know at least five countries represented, and i am sure there are more.

a very spiritual and moving opening ceremony was performed that set the tone for the conference and had a bit of audience participation which was a great touch, because in that way, we all contributed just a touch of ourselves to the conference opening and gave me a sense of ownership, belonging.

the first presentation talked about gender variance in shamanism, and how our culture in many ways doesn't know how to deal with gender variance (i.e. those persons who fall outside today's typical male and female genders), while in shamanistic cultures, it's no big deal at all.  she also talked about the different ages at which a person can be called into shamanism, from young childhood to adulthood.

plenty more, but i don't wanna bore you.

this morning, i actually GOT UP AND OUT OF BED AND TO A YOGA CLASS that began at EIGHT IN THE MORNING!  those of you who know me well know that i am NOT a morning person and it really takes a lot to get me to want to get up in the morning.  but the yoga class was great.  it was not your typical yoga class.  it was tantric, sensual and erotic.  my panties were wet afterward.

then the first speaker of the day was a very charismatic scottish witch who talked about how she incorporates sacred sexuality and sexual energy into her witchcraft.  very kewl!  she is leading a Great Rite sunday and i cannot wait to go!

the next speaker is an academiac who did a fascinating presentation on all sorts of shamanic themes - it was so interesting but i'm having a hard time putting all he said into words LOL!

next was a panel of three people who came from three different backgrounds and talked about their personal experiences of shamanism.

and finally, an absolutely astounding presentation from a very controversial rabbinic kabbalist who really resonated within me because so much of my christian teachings that were founded in the old testament are shared with judiasm.  but he took some of those teachings and put a different twist on things that really are gonna make me think for months afterward.  after his presentation, he led us in a ceremony that is done before engaging in sacred sex. 

the next event starts in five minutes and somehow my suite suddenly has three more people in it, so i am off. 

life is good.

9/10/2009 10:48:01 AM
the conference hasn't even started yet and i am already loving every minute of this.  the people.  the energy.  the ideas.  the brainpower.  the feeling.  living in the moment.  intuition.  all those things that go against logic.  i think there is a place for both - feeling and logic.  but soon it will be all feeling.

this is so different for me.  borderline personality disorder is very black and white thinking.  right and wrong thinking.  being around fluid people helps me stay out of that habit and delve into those grey areas.

and the heat!  I LOVE DRY HEAT!  yes it is still hotter than hell.  but i was in 104 heat yesterday and didn't even break a sweat until 4:00 pm!!!!!!  it's incredible!

and my back is being nice and not giving me much trouble at all.

maybe because of the dry heat???

life is GOOD!

9/8/2009 9:17:25 AM
i am going to be good and diligently journal every day during this conference because i would like to have some type of written memory of it, since my physical memory is so bad!

so here i sit at the airport realizing how out of touch i am.  laptops must be taken out of the carry-on bags during the security check.  i didn't know that.  so i left both of mine in the bag.  this of course caused a backup in the security line.  glaring looks at me.  boy did i feel stupid.  yes, there were signs.  posted.  everywhere.  i didn't notice them.  i am blonde, what can i say?

southwest does not assign seats.  you have to check in 24 hours before to get a group number, and you board when your group number is called, and pick whatever seat is available.  i forgot to do that and now i have a really sucky number and i'm hoping i won't be sandwiched in a middle seat.  claustrophobia sucks in times like this. 

this is also the first time i've had to park my car in a remote lot.  my baby!!!  alone in a parking lot!!!  for EIGHT DAYS!!!  with strange cars and trucks and who knows who could be lurking around there, just waiting to break open her locks and sit in her nice comfortable seat with the adjustable lumbar support!!!  and they might steal my twenty four cans of arizona diet peach tea in the trunk! 

i spent the night with my kitties last night.  i felt bad that i left the dog and the bird i was petsitting alone last night, but i had to spend time with my cats before i abandon them for eight days.  they have tons of wet food and i know my landlady and her brother will feed them but still.....they're MY BABIES!  i miss them already. 

zoe slept ON me last night and sushi and mama kitty saw the suitcases this morning and looked at me like, "you just got home last night and you're leaving AGAIN, you SLUT!"  those two did not make it easy on me to pet them goodbye.  i think they were punishing me.  i guess zoe is the more forgiving of the three of them.

airport people-watching is fun.  the best is watching families, friends and loved ones reunite.  big bear hugs, kisses, smiles....such good energy. 

now here's something i learned by watching the lady facing me.  if you are very, very, very overweight, and cannot close your legs all the way, it probably is not a good idea to wear a dress that barely covers your upper thighs. 

upskirt fetishists would be sporting woodies right now.

no screaming kids so far....bless the parents who bring Vtechs and puzzlebooks and neat electronic gadgets (what are those things?  sooooo out of touch!) to keep their kids busy.  one can only hope this good luck lasts.

well i just found out my gate number has changed so off i go.

my next trip report will probably be an analysis of how short a period of time my deodorant lasted in the "dry heat" of arizona.

life is good.

9/4/2009 4:33:28 PM
i'm packed!

ready for three days of housesitting in the north tampa area (lunch anyone?) and then off to mesa, AZ for the asep conference.

i am so excited.  i cannot wait to go to all the presentations and learn and absorb and grow.  and hopefully, have my tantra practice grow as well.

i am so thrilled i will be meeting fakir musafar.  he was practicing S&M before i was even born.  and there so many others there with so much knowledge and wisdom and experience.

my mentor and i are also planning a day trip to the grand canyon and/or sedona where the huge energy vortex is. 

i am just hoping my back can handle all this - long plane ride in a different seat, different beds, lots of sitting during presentations...people with regular backs take all that for granted but people with degenerative disk disease will feel a difference if there is any deviance in their normal activities.  so this will make it interesting, for sure.  sitting is not my friend. 

i am also wondering how i will handle 102 degree heat, even if it is "dry heat."  all i know is humid heat in florida.   it will be interesting to see if my body can tolerate that kind of heat.

i almost hate to journal about all this, because it seems like every time i journal an upcoming event, it gets jinxed.  so i've tended to keep mum about some things.

but for better or worse, my bags are packed, my airline confirmation is set, my remote parking confirmation is set, my kitties have enough food for two weeks, and i am ready to roll. 

as i think about how much money this is costing me, not to mention a bunch of new clothes i bought for the occasion, i would normally be in panic mode.  this has cost me just as much as going to bdsm camp would have cost me.  and yet for the past three years, i have not made it back to bdsm camp.  yet this is all falling together so easily - even with major expenditures out of pocket like a CT scan, a counseling appointment, a trip to the ER  (no, not for me, but for a family member) a new radiator for my car, as well as two other mechanics' bills after i got my car back from the auto body work done after the accident, new tires for the car, an emergency trip to the eye doctor and new contact lenses...all within the past few weeks!  yet i am able to still go...i feel like there is a reason i am meant to be there.  and i cannot wait to figure out what it is!

9/3/2009 10:06:30 AM
it's been a long time since i've written this, and i think it's time i did again because of the emails i've been getting.

whether you are contacting me to chat

or to have a full fledged relationship,

or anything in between,

and you have a significant other who would not know about me, meet with me, talk with me, and approve of your involvement with me,





can i make it any plainer?

i don't buy the "my wife and i have a 'don't ask, don't tell'" rationale either.

i'm not judging you if that is your relationship with your significant other. 

it's just not my preference.

if it's not on the 100% up-and-up, with full disclosure and open communication with all parties involved, i don't want any part of it.


oh my....does that sound unsubmissive?

tough shit.

8/26/2009 5:06:19 PM
yeah, i'm alive.  just having a very difficult time with a beloved family member.  thanks for checking in on me, all who did.


8/7/2009 7:23:58 PM
if you like to scene to dark-sounding rock, i would recommend a perfect circle.  i just finished a pro domme session and it went very well with this music.  interesting use of effects, some clashing chords, driving beat (flashback:  american bandstand - "it's got a good beat and is great to flog to, dick, i liked it!"), ascending edginess...don't know why i hadn't considered them before. 

speaking of scene, i should be going to the phoenix club tomorrow night with a couple where hopefully my masochistic side will get a good workout.  i've been craving it, needing it...MUST HAVE IT...i was jealous of my client tonight as i inflicted each swat of the paddle, each smack of the crop, each swing of the flogger....

hope to see old and new friends there tomorrow night. 

8/6/2009 7:38:36 PM
One of the definitions of verklempt in the urban dictionary is:  Extremely emotional; on the verge of tears.

Today right in the middle of a crowded Panera Bread in the middle of a bustling lunch crowd, I was told that the event I want to attend with my mentor in Mesa, Arizona next month (, will be a reality for me. 

I am now registered and have the plane tickets for a four-day Tantra conference that not only has really great TANTRA speakers, but also one of our very own to give a presentation:  Fakir Musafar (

I started to cry.

I didn't care who saw me.

I'll be in Mesa, Arizona September 8th through the 15th, arriving a few days early and leaving two days after the conference, and using those extra days for tantra sessions in Phoenix and Mesa.

Life is good...................

8/4/2009 8:12:42 PM
check this out!  john and starla at made this page for me!

let me know what you think :-)))))

and after a really fun photo shoot last night, they sent me home with MORE toys that will make my flesh BLEEEEEEEED!  love it love it love it love it love it....(go check out the screamer paddle....that's one of them, and their new spiked tray!!!!)

8/3/2009 8:31:56 AM
i just had a dear friend tell me that the reason she thinks i am still single and having trouble finding MASTER RIGHT is because i am such a strong person and that intimidates and scares most "doms" away. 

yeah, well, that may be the case, but i am not a very strong person when i am in the middle of an emotional meltdown or a psychiatric/psychological breakdown...then i am a puddle of goo that cannot function until it passes.  but then who the hell wants THAT either????  and i certainly don't blame them for that.

she said most doms need someone they see as pliable and able to mold into what they want, and i may come across as too independent to them. 

i can see her point. 

but i think most of my ex-sirs and ex-masters can attest that i am very pliable - sometimes TOO pliable...when i fall in love.

if i love a man, there is almost nothing i wouldn't do for him.  my wholeness merges into him, and i lose a part of myself when that happens. 

isn't that the ultimate submission?

8/2/2009 6:11:19 PM
was supposed to go to phoenix club with a couple, but we had to mutually cancel. 

my reason was i was invited to go to wildwood, florida, for photo shoots all weekend.  i did go, and had a really great time, but my degenerative disk disease reared its ugly head and i got a lot less done than i had planned and hoped for, and actually had to leave early to come home and lay down on my own bed before it got so bad, i wouldn't have been able to drive.  i know from past experience when i am in such pain, it's no good to try to fake a photo shoot - the pain comes through on my face and southern-charms does not allow photos of where you look like you are in pain (very bdsm-intolerant!!!!)  but i did stay a bit and help out by taking photos for the other girls.  sometimes it is just as much fun being behind the camera and getting that "perfect shot".

last night we took a break and five of us went out karaoking.  OMG, my throat hurts today!  the combination of lots of cigarette smoke (i've been fighting nausea and headache all day today because of that) and singing at least eight songs have ruined my throat!

i sang "the shoop shoop song," "two steps behind," "landslide," "i'm with you," "what about now," "before he cheats" and i did two trio songs with two other southern-charms, "wanted...dead or alive" and i can't remember the second song!

now, considering the massive quantities of wine i consumed, it is entirely possible i sang other songs too.

it was a lot of fun....and one of the southern-charms brought her video camera and shot footage of each of us. 

oh gawd.

i was so soused, i have not yet looked at the videos, and i am not sure i want to.

this footage has the potential of being serious blackmail material.

be very, very afraid....

this week i am home for three days, then going to st pete for pro domme work for two days, then going to land o lakes for pro domme work for one day, then going to a tantra workshop that i am REALLY excited about!!!  it's being hosted by my mentor, and the presenter is someone i've been wanting to meet for a long time.  her practice is so busy, she has to find people to take care of her overflow, and she is adding me to the roster! i am so excited about that, and honored!

the group of people attending are great people and i am looking forward to all the positive energy that will be flowing around that day!  also a wonderful networking opportunity. 

the following week i will be back on the space coast for some much needed family visiting. 

life is good.

8/1/2009 12:22:38 AM
i was gone all week and now will be gone all weekend. 

i miss my bed!  i miss my cats!

my back, shoulders and neck are KILLING me - i would do almost anything for a good deep massage.

i'll be coming over to the tampa bay area thursday, friday, saturday and sunday for work.  then, back to the space coast the following week.

i just want to have a whole week home, with my nice soft bed and my kitties!!!

my webcam/phonesex work and voyeur cam work is practically non-existent lately and i miss it.

i really wish i could be in two places at once.

7/24/2009 8:01:25 AM
i am thinking of going to altpathway tonight for dinner during the ladies' bathing suit night.

if you see me there, please come say hi.

have a great weekend!

7/23/2009 7:00:00 AM
i ate lunch naked in a restaurant yesterday.

seriously!  i was totally naked eating a delicious huge grilled chicken salad and numerous unsweet iced teas.

and nobody in the whole restaurant looked at me like i was crazy and nobody cared.

the land o' lakes area is the nationwide mecca for nudist communities.  and i am fortunate to live a mere hour away.  i think there is a total of eight nudist communities there.  there is caliente, paradise lakes, the riverboat club, lake como, and four more obscure ones. 

the first two are resort-like.  the latter two are rustic. 

i can fit in both worlds. 

i can easily stay in a five star resort, or i can just as easily stay in a primitive camp site, and be just as happy.

my tantra mentor and dear friend is a member of lake como.

so after our mind-blowing sybian ride yesterday, we wrapped up our business, cleaned up the enormous wet spots (we both had female-ejaculated all over the sybian, the towels, the rug, the floor) my mentor says, "let's eat lunch naked at lake como!"

sounded like a good plan to me.

in order to get on the property, you have to be with a card-carrying member.  and you have to have a tour your first time.   luckily, she is a card-carrying member, and we both had time for me to take my virgin tour.

the tour was fun.  i saw all the amenities - golf driving range, tennis courts, pool, hot tub, sauna, billiards and dart room, several bars, shuffleboard, volleyball courts, library, wi-fi hotspot, comissary, dance hall, karaoke lounge, lake, beach, rental cabins, horseshoes, and sports i had never heard of before.  i'm sure i've forgotten stuff.  everyone was nice and friendly and welcoming and TAN.  very, very TAN.  i felt so pale and pasty white.

the community seems to be an older crowd - i looked like i was the youngest but that is fine with me.  older people know who they are and i like being around people who are comfortable with themselves.

i'm seriously considering becoming a member.  i've been having to travel to land o' lakes two days a week anyway, so it would be nice to stay a third day and be out in a rustic, peaceful setting where i can live naked, if only for a day at a time. 

it's never really been an issue for me to be at a play party and strip down totally naked, or pose naked for photos on my southern-charms site, or do clips naked for my clips4sale site - being naked has always come totally  natural for me...i think the human body is a beautiful work of art, and it is a shame we feel we have to cover it up, although i'm sure the clothing industry would disagree.  shame is something we have learned from society from our earliest impressions.  even when i gained 100 lb, i still have no problem being naked in front of other people.  if you like me, you like me.  if you don't, nice to have met ya, have a great life.

after naked lunch at lake como, i packed up all my dominatrix stuff and all my tantra stuff and clothes and toiletries and drove down to the USF area in tampa and took my sister out for her sixtieth birthday.  yup!  the big 6-0!

i treated her to a pedicure at her favorite place and then we went out dinner where i treated her to a huge porterhouse steak and took the bones home to her VERY appreciative dog.  we laughed and laughed and laughed as her dog gnawed on that bone for over four hours and basically made love to it with her teeth and tongue and lips and then finally fell asleep exhausted smashed next to me with what i swear looked like a smile on her face.

i finally got home at 4 a.m. this morning and still feel so grateful and so blessed that i was able to take time off to celebrate with my sister.  she has lupus and fibromyalgia and COPD and many other systemic problems, and battles depression and other mental illnesses on top of it, yet she is one of the smartest people i know and is an inspiration to me for staying positive. 

and...we were also celebrating the fact that all her alzheimer's tests came back two days ago, and she does not have alzheimer's as we feared. 

life is good.

7/22/2009 9:49:56 PM
i've ridden a sybian at a play party in lakeland years ago.

i've ridden a sybian at a play party in tampa years ago.

i've ridden a sybian at another play party in tampa.

and it's never brought me to orgasm. 

it did make me raw and numb and over-sensitive. 

no thrusting action made g-spot orgasm impossible.

but that has all changed.

yesterday on a brand new sybian right out of the box with brand new attachments right out of the shrink wrap, i had a g-spot orgasm less than one minute into the ride, and a HUGE clitoral orgasm a few minutes later.


they wanted me to stay on and have more orgasms.  now, i am all for multiple orgasms.  but if i would have stayed on that beast, i would have been useless for the rest of the day! 

so next time, multiple Os only after my schedule has been cleared for the rest of the day.

i love my job(s).

video footage soon available....

7/19/2009 11:01:52 AM
it's been quite an interesting few weeks. 

car issues resulting in transportation issues.  family issues.  work issues.  too many issues.  too many issues at one time.

but things are finally starting to resolve themselves.

i have decided to continue my mistress trysta work.  and business once again is going well.  i am already comfortable with the level it is at - not too little, not too much....juuuuuuuuuuuust right.

i have worked with beloved past clients again already, and have met some new wonderful clients.  and as of yet, it has not drained me.  in fact, right now, it is enjoyable and fulfilling.

but this may all be because i think i am in a manic phase of the bipolar, which makes me able to be around people better, and more active, and more enthusiastic and positive about things. 

speaking of being around people better, i went to the FLICK munch yesterday and then to the woodshed last night.  had a great time at both places, directly related to the people who were there.  i sat with john and starla and an old friend, and we just blabbed nonstop, just as we usually do!  at the woodshed, i was privileged to play with a submissive and her sir, and while he inflicted delicious intense pain, she provided sensual stimulation and contact.  the combination was exquisite. 

you know it was a good scene when your asscheeks are still tingling the day afterwards. 

i wanted to take my bike for a ride on the nearby trail today, only to discover that the spring on the gear is broken, and the chain won't stay taut.  that was disappointing!  i was all "geared" up for that pun intended.

there is a lady in land o lakes who i met several years ago at a ladies' meet and greet, and then when i was living in lutz, she gave me a ride to pick up my car.  when i met her, i felt instant affinity with her.  and i knew deep down that somehow, someway, some day, she would be a major influence in my life.  i didn't know when or how or why or where. 

well, that has begun to come into fruition.  she is now mentoring me in tantric sex.  she was ready and able and willing to mentor me before, but i was not at a place where i was ready.  but everything has fallen into place now, even with the family issues, and it is such a beautiful thing.  i cannot even begin to describe it. 

it seems like our life path takes us on a road and we don't understand why we are on that road.  but then something in our life happens and we get that "AHA!" moment, that we were on that path because it specifically led us to where we are today, and we NEEDED to go on that path to get here and deal with what is happening.

that seems to be what is happening right now.

being a submissive masochist has taught me firsthand about experiencing ecstasy.  when i am on an endorphin high, and you can flog me, crop me, cane me, whatever, and it doesn't hurt and in fact, it ramps up the endorphins even more, and i go off into that dark, safe, comforting, quiet place where light and sound and people no longer exist, that to me is ecstasy.

dominatrix work has taught me how to be a catalyst to bring others to that place.

webcam and phonesex work has taught me the complexities and intricacies of sex and what infinitely creative people we are when it comes to our libido.

and all of this seems to all come together in tantra. 

sex, intimacy, bliss, altered state of's all there, just like in bdsm, but instead of using pain to reach it, you use another modality.

the feedback i've been receiving is tremendous.  we have been given reviews in various places and it is so moving to read what the other participants saw, felt, and experienced during our sessions.  it brings tears to my eyes. 

the closest i can come to describing it is a blending of the souls. 

and don't we do just that in an intense BDSM scene, with someone we can connect deeply, and trust with all our being?  same thing with tantra.

don't get me wrong.  i will NEVER EVER stop being a bdsm-oriented person and only practice the gentle side of ecstacy.  i love pain too much.  i love the energy exchanged in a session too much.

but i am starting to learn that a tantric session is just as powerful, and just as beautiful, and just as estatic, as a good ol fashioned whuppin'.

in some ways, life still SUCKS. i still sometimes wonder why am i still allowing myself to exist?

but in other ways, life is good.  life is very very good.

7/5/2009 3:59:34 PM
today i had the choice of going to church or not. 

today if i chose to go to church i could go to any church i wanted to, where the pastor could preach freely.

today i had the choice of wearing pants or a short dress, or short shorts and a sleeveless top and not a garment that looks like a burial shroud.

today i did not have to cover my face when i went out in public, and i was able to do so unescorted by a male family member.

today i was able to make financial decisions without having to have a male member of my family facilitate those decisions for me.

today i had the ability to go to an adult bookstore and purchase anything in there that i desired as long as i had the funds.

today i was able to be in business for myself in the field of work i choose to be in.

today i was able to watch BBC News without it being censored by our communications systems.

today i was able to use my driver's license and drive over 100 miles without fear of being arrested for being unchaperoned. 

today i was able to access the internet and view any and every single page i wanted to view without government censorship.

today i was not married off to an unknown man against my wishes according to my parents' will.

our country is not perfect, not by a long shot.  we could all list a very long document of what's wrong with our country.

but this weekend, i appreciated independence day.

hope everyone had a great holiday weekend.

my personal life still is teetering on the edge of psychological meltdown.  i am changing my personal cell phone's outgoing message to say, "thank you for calling.  i am sorry i could not come to the phone.  i am busy having a nervous breakdown.  i will return your voicemail as soon as they let me out of the rubber room."

7/3/2009 12:59:06 PM
hanging on to sanity by a bare thread.  life has not thrown me one, or two or three major things right now, but many. 

just like the vast majority of you who read this. 

these are tough times for everyone, in so many ways. 

and one person's tough time will affect another person, who is going through their own tough time, and so on and so on and before you know it, there is a worldwide clusterfuck.  and here we are.  let's sing the bad economy blues.  all together now!

in the meantime, before i have my nervous breakdown, added some new photos (unfortunately, that means some had to go).  i hope CM approves the spiky breast vice photo.  bless john and starla at for letting me model it and then take it home!  it should show up as the fourth photo if approved.

6/24/2009 7:44:28 AM
i don't often get excited about my photo sets, but today a new one got posted on my southern-charms site and i really like it.  it is just me on top of a huge bale of hay in a hay field.  all the xxx stuff is in the member's paid section but i even like the free stuff.  i was having a great time with my photographer, the weather was perfect - not too hot, not too cold, there was the sound of cattle lowing in the distance, the sky was an absolutely beautiful clear blue, and the sun was setting - my favorite time of day is the golden glow of light from sunset.

the photos are at

the light green used in the text is too light, so i have to get that replaced with a darker color text, but you can scroll your mouse over the text and highlight it if you really want to read it.

feedback welcome!  comments, constructive criticism, suggestions, etc.

6/23/2009 10:18:36 AM
i have a new weblog to promote my bbw porn smut. 

feel free to check it out.

and please feel free to make comments!

also joined has already driven traffic to my sites quite a bit.  the power of internet marketing is amazing!

6/14/2009 6:51:09 AM
the car search continues.  if you are local and have a spare hyundai elantra or sonata laying around in your garage, i will pay cash.  

6/12/2009 8:27:08 PM
i'm gonna be in orlando tomorrow (saturday) shopping for cars, and in tampa sunday looking at more cars (of course, i am only looking at elantras and sonatas).  i could really use some testosterone-rich person who knows about cars to accompany me and give advice as to the right choice, as i am clueless.  there's about five in tampa and five in orlando, so there will be a lot of running around.  i can drive us - let's use my gas.  (if you dare to drive with me, that is.)

i'll be on the road both days by about noon.

6/8/2009 3:12:44 PM
i was beaten this weekend, and not the good kind of beating.

i was hit with bad news saturday over on the space coast regarding a family matter that is too personal to share.  and i wondered if things could get worse. 

then i was hit with the bomb of bad news on sunday - that the three dearest people in my life, the three reasons in this world why i have not yet committed suicide after many times of wanting to, may be moving 800 miles away from me this summer. 

i spent the rest of sunday morning grieving over that while trying not to cry in front of everyone, wondering if things could get worse.

and then on the way home sunday evening, i was hit by a car in orlando, and the front driver's side of my car is crumpled like a piece of paper. 

and as i deal with a persistent headache that won't go away since the impact, i wondered if things could get worse.

and i don't know if their insurance will cover my repairs, as their insurance company has not returned calls.

and i wondered if things could get worse. 

and the answer is, yes.  when someone you never ever dreamed was capable of letting you down, lets you down big time, i wonder if things could get worse.

and dread the answer to that.

because the answer is always yes, things can....and maybe just will....ALWAYS get worse.

6/4/2009 9:20:51 PM
my sister and one of my brothers and i were instant messaging each other and they asked me how many times in my life have i moved.

so i wrote down the street of every place i have lived.  and they reminded me of a few i had forgotten.

it totaled 23 homes.


that averages me moving once about every two years over the duration of my entire life.


that certainly can't be too good on the stability scale.  maybe that contributes to the crazy factor?

6/4/2009 5:05:27 PM
i am off to the space coast tomorrow for two family members' birthdays and return home late sunday night.  i will be free saturday if any space coasters would like to get together.  sitting by the ocean under an umbrella and watching the surfers sounds good.  anybody wanna join me?

also need to go to the melbourne mall or the merritt island mall and spend a gift certificate.  any shopaholics?

5/28/2009 6:26:05 AM
i hate rock ballads.  i mean, come on!  what an oxymoron!  rock...ballad...oxymoron!

but i must confess that sometimes a group can do the rock ballad so well that it gives me goosebumps.

one of the best rock ballads in my opinion is by u2:  one.  

i love u2.  always have, always will.  every album never fails to give me at least two songs with the goosebump factor.

here's a few of my favorites.  these songs hook me instantly and i am captivated by five seconds into the song.  (go to youtube and pull up the official videos to listen along.)

1.  one.  the chill factor for me begins at 3:20 - "we got to...carry each other, carry each!  one!"  edge's guitar gets louder, more insistent, bono does his ad lib that leads to a haunting falsetto...ooooohhh major goosebumps by the time this song is over!

2.  with or without you.  the chill factor for me begins at 3:05, with the drums crescendoing louder and louder, but at 3:48 when bono does the high pitched, "hooooooo-hoooooooo-hooooooo", and edge of course starts yet another famous guitar riff that is just absolutely perfect.  the accompanying

3.  still haven't found what i'm looking for.  if i have a memorial service after my death, i want this song played.  seriously.  this song describes my constant spiritual faith-in-crisis.  the chill factor for me begins at the solo at 2:28, and 2:48 -

"I believe in the Kingdom Come
When all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
Well, yes I'm still running

You broke the bonds
And you loosened the chains
Carried the cross
Of all my shame
all my shame
You know I believe it

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for"

amen!!!  preach it, bono!

when the very powerful New Voices of Faith gospel church choir sang this song with U2, and they sing that verse in staccato fashion, it literally brought me to tears.  watch the video of is so powerful and the interaction between bono facing the choir and singing to them, and the choir singing back, is magical - it ramps up his performance to higher levels.  when the band walks away from their instruments and microphones and just lets the choir take over....WOW!!!  they BELT IT OUT!!  leaves me breathless.

even the rehearsal video = chills.  look at the passion in these people's faces!!!  and watch U2 step back, listen, and think, "whooooooaaa!"

there are more outtakes of the rehearsal on youtube...and watching the band's face in awe as the choir continues the song on their own is just priceless, with the band singing along quietly as the choir takes over.  you watch this and you. feel. like. you. have. been. to....CHURCH!!!

i think the only thing i have ever seen that comes close to this is when foreigner had a gospel choir join them for "i want to know what love is."

4.  where the streets have no name.  the chill factor for me begins at (studio version) 4:58.  edge's guitar work with the accompanying keyboards is just so haunting for me.  at 5:24, i wish it was not going to end, because it is just so beautiful for me.  but it ends...and leaves me wanting more.  ahhhh...the best bands always leave you wanting more!

and last, but not least, my favorite song of the moment.

5.  magnificent.  the first ten seconds into this song and i was blown away.  i think this is their best song  yet.  supposedly it was written in morocco, and was filmed at the fes hotel there, and the song has a very moroccon flare that i just love.  and the lyrics are blatantly affirming the magnificence of their God.  it has replaced my previous favorite U2 song (SHFWILF).  the chill factor for me begins at 0:05...seriously!  but double chills begin at ("the making of..." version, cuz there is a longer intro) 3:40, when bono sings, "MAGNIFICENT!" and edge punches that guitar riff, and then goes into the softer riff.  i am mesmerized.  and i LOVE the bass being so pronounced in this song! it is in my brain, i cannot get it out of my head...but that's ok...i like that :-)

my estimation of whether a band is good is when i do not want their songs to end!  why can't they be 30 minutes long??  maybe then, finally, i would feel satisfied at the finish!

some of you are gonna blow this journal entry off because music or u2 isn't your thing, but some of you are gonna go listen.  let me know your thoughts and if you have the chill factor and where it comes into play for you.

5/26/2009 2:49:27 PM
so many people got a chuckle out of my last journal entry describing a day in the life of a phonesex/webcam slut, here's another installment.

"hello, mistress.  i want to serve you today."

"very well, dear.  what is your name?"


"hello, ray.  so what experience do you have serving a mistress?"

"well, i've served a few phone mistresses before."

"very good, ray.  any experience in real life yet?"

"oh no, never in real life."

"do you think that some day you can envision yourself taking this to real life?"

"well...maybe.  i don't know yet."

"that's perfectly fine, ray.  take your time and when and if the time is right, you will know."

"yes, ma'am."

"so what type of domination do you like?  do you like the caring, gentle, nurturing type of domme?  or perhaps a strict, controlling, harsh, punishing dominatrix?"

"mmm i like the strict punishing type.  i love being humiliated!"

"oh very good!  we shall have fun, ray."

"yes, ma'am."

"so, ray, tell me, my dear, what are your hard limits?"

"i have no hard limits."

"not one?"

"no, ma'am."

"ray, do not be an imbecile.  everybody has hard limits.  wisen up and tell me WHAT ARE YOUR HARD LIMITS!  USE YOUR BRAIN, RAY!"

"ummm...this is the part where you start humiliating me, right, ma'am?"

"give the boy a hand!!!  he's figured it out!  fucking pathetic moron!  now let's see if the loser can figure out what his hard limits are!"

"well, like i said, i don't have any hard limits."

"ok, ray, take your dick in your hand."

"mmmm ok!"

"now, pull it out away from your body as hard as you can!"

"oooooohhhh yesssssss mistress!!!!"

"how does that feel, ray?"

"oooooohhh i LOVE it, mistress!!!"

"oh very good, ray.  and you will love this too, ray."

"yes, mistress...what?  tell me!!!"

"pull harder!"

"aaarrrrrrggghhhhh!!!!  oh yes mistress!!! now what???"


"oooohhh gawd, YES MISTRESS!"

"now, get a knife, cut it off, and stuff it down your throat and choke on it."

dead silence.


more dead silence.

"ooooooh raaaaaaaaay!?"

"yes ma'am?"

"would you say we just found your first hard limit?"

5/25/2009 4:43:49 PM
the days i visit my family always fly by in a whirlwind.  this trip was no different.  and this trip was special in that i was privileged to see a major milestone occur and that proved to be very emotional for me.

after almost a week of very important one-on-one quality time, i left saturday night later than planned due to a last minute late night after-event dinner, but finally got on the road around 11 p.m.  instead of crossing over the intracoastal waterway and taking I-95 north to the beachline, i went south instead. 

why in the world would i do that?  well, a number of years back, when i was spending most of my time by the space coast, i met a sweet, sexy,  "innocent," sexy, younger, sexy man for a lunch date.  we hit it off and i was looking forward to the sex afterward, heh heh (did i mention he was sexy?  no?  well...let me tell you...HE IS SEXY!!).  this was back when i was still seeing vanillas in the swinging lifestyle.  over lunch, i looked across the table at my new acquaintance and asked, as i usually ask before or during the first date (why delay the inevitable???), "so....what do you think about bdsm?"

that question opened pandora's box.

(by the way, the sex was GREAT, even though that first time, it was vanilla....)

throughout the years, we have stayed in touch as i have the distinct privilege of turning this nilla into a lover of bdsm.  i cannot take credit for his education in the bdsm arts.  he did that all on his own.  yes, g, it is your DESTINY!  and i have on very rare occasion, as our travel plans coincided, experienced firsthand what that question has unleashed in this young man's life as he continues to learn...he has had the opportunity to live in new york, and atlanta, and i daresay he has been able to go to lifestyle places i have only wished i could visit.  and now he lives in the very kinky fort lauderdale area.  yes, fort lauderdale.  not atlanta, not new york.

fort lauderdale area.  just 2.5 hours away from my family.  3.5 hours from my new home.  an easy drive down I-95.  an easy return trip up the turnpike.

and he offered to pay my gas!!

it was too good to pass up.  how COULD i pass this up!?

so i took a detour saturday night and went south to visit him in his new digs.

we played three times - the first was very late saturday night/sunday morning, even though i had been up since 8 a.m. and had the emotional rite of passage to attend, and then drove 2.5 hours.  by the time we went to bed at 4:00 a.m., i was comatose. 

sunday morning we woke up and went out for breakfast (well, ok, it was LUNCH by then if you wanna get technical), and then back to his place to play the second time. 

both times were great...he is gaining wisdom, knowledge, experience, and is very easy-going, intelligent and fun to be with.  and i also saw how good a top he has become by watching, observing, learning, and working around his bottom's physical and mental limits.

he only lives minutes from the ocean so after we finished playing the second time, we took a little walk on the beach and sat and talked on beach loungers, and had a nice dinner, did a little shopping and then went back to his place.

they say the third time is the charm.  and in this case, it was true.

i don't know what it was.  maybe because the beach put me at such ease?  maybe it was the four glasses of wine i had over the day?  maybe it was the fact that i was no longer in family mode, but in sammie mode?  maybe it was because the planets were in alignment in some other universe to which i am attuned???

i don't know, but whatever it was, it all converged and i went into subspace and it was heaven.  and i have a video that shows i was in subspace for well over twenty minutes (that will be edited and posted in my clips4sale store this week!!!)   i was wincing and fidgeting and hiding body parts during the playback of the video as i watched myself take crop, paddle, flogger, hand, without even flinching. 

and then....he did a very, very intense session of forced orgasms.  my jaw and my internal organs and muscles are still cramping from that!

there was waxplay, bondage, suction play (omg, my nether-regions were suctioned to grossly immense proportions! the human body was not meant to be suctioned to such lengths!! and that is on film too!), flogging, more bondage, caning, the unholy use of vegetables that would cause farmer john to stop farming, cropping, nipple play (well, not much, i wimped out on that, as usual....damn too-sensitive irish nipples!) still MORE bondage, and a very very evil round piece of hollow chrome-like metal that was inserted while my labia lips were held open by clothespins....that part did a very intense mindfuck on me and i couldn't take that for too long.  i actually coded out on that one.  i am still trying to process why that bothered me so much! 

each session was really intense and quite eye-opening for me.  eye-opening because i was able to see how experienced he has become, and how careful and safe he is, but also eye-opening because i learned that this jaded, experienced, playslut still has things she has not experienced before, still has limits that exist to be pushed, and many things she still needs to work on, and a few things she needs to figure out why they bother her so much.  it was all quite a learning experience!  and the video shows my pussy definitely didn't care if it was a learning experience or was too busy leaking like a faucet, dripping pussy juice puddles all over the futon cover. 

the thing is, this guy is so sweet and interesting and so likeable, that i would have been glad to have driven all that way and taken the time off work just to visit him in a non-sexual, vanilla manner.  and trust me, there are not too many people towards whom i feel that way!  but the fact that he is a kinky perv just made it all the more sweeter :-)))

after a long nap in one of the turnpike's rest-stops, i finally arrived back home this afternoon and spent an hour with my kitties sitting on my lap welcoming me home.  they sat in line and waited their turn, and they had a talk with me and told me that they really don't like it when i am gone that long.  they told me (and my landlady's brother confirmed) that they got so upset, they didn't even eat their wet food.  i have promised to make it up to them this week with lots of lap time and lots of wet food!  a few rough licks of their tongue on my hand and i know i am forgiven.

this is florida, and i have to go to wally-world and buy an arsenal of ant killer, roach killer, spider killer, and flea killer.  my "rustic" home is being attacked on all fronts by the florida "wildlife."  i really don't have the money to spend on this stuff. but you know what?  this has been such a wonderful two weeks away from home, but i am so grateful to have a home to come home to, that i don't care.  it's a small price to pay.

life is good.

5/16/2009 11:25:41 AM
there are a few different venues of adult entertainment in which i work.  professional dominatrix, southern-charms amateur photos, clips4sale amateur videos, live group shows and live private shows on, archived shows for purchase on, voyeur house cams on
but right now, i am focusing on my webcam/phonesex job as (insert shameless plug) sensualsammie on

i love this job. 

my commute is as far as my laptop.
my brain is constantly being challenged to get inside my caller's head and figure out what they want
i am constantly amazed at the diversity and ingeniousness of the human mind with regard to our sexuality
i am getting an education in human sexuality and all its deviancy and getting paid for it
i get paid to get off
i get paid to get you off
i get paid to listen, give advice, encourage and empathize
i can work anywhere as long as i have a computer, webcam, internet connection and a phone
i can read, watch tv, play with my cats, cook, clean house, do light gardening, crochet, play word games, surf the net, write, and so much more in between calls
i get to talk to interesting, intelligent, educated people
i log in whenever i want, and log off whenever i want
my work attire is lingerie and my birthday suit
i save money on gas, wear and tear on my car, and wardrobe costs by working at home
i save money by eating at home
there is constant affirmation as callers tell me how much they love rubenesque women
i get instant gratification as the dollars are automatically deposited into my account and i can watch it grow with each call
i get instant feedback as the caller can leave ratings on our call

you get the picture.

for the vast majority of callers, i am able to get into their heads, and give them exactly what they want, my mostly positive feedback shows that. 

other times, the person doesn't make it easy for me.  in those cases, it can go either way - some times i can finally get an idea of what they want, although it may take awhile, and then i can run with it, and still knock his socks off, even though we had a slow start.

and on very few occasions, i just can't get it...i get rare negative feedback, but on the few times i have, i feel very bad that i couldn't give the caller what they want.

i had one call recently that was probably the most difficult one i have ever done.

he called and was on webcam so i could see him too.  i love those!  i love seeing the reaction that our call brings to his anatomy ;-) 

he was wearing nothing, which can throw me off, because clothing is one clue as to what the caller wants. 

he called on my fem domme line, so i have to be careful as to not scare off the newbies, to be interesting enough to keep the intermediates happy, and devious and strict and sadistic enough to keep the diehard hardcores happy.

so i asked him, "how much experience do you have being dominated by a female, my dear?"

"oh, this is brand new to me, you're my first call."

"ahhh, i see.  you have no experience on the phone, on cam, on instant messenger, or in real life?"

"yes, that's right."

mmmm a virgin, i think.  ok.  we will need to do this slowly and carefully.

"so have you seen anything on the internet or in a book or in a movie that really sparked your interest?"

"no," he replied, "i just want to be told to do naughty things by a woman."

"you haven't gone to any websites or watched any porn or seen anything on TV that made you think about this?"

" really."

"so what made you get interested in this enough to call me and want to be told to do naughty things?

"umm, i dunno...just want to try something new i guess."

mmmm, ok...not much to go on let's start down the list.  maybe he wants to get slutty.

"do you live with a female?"

"yes, my girlfriend."

"go get a pair of her panties, especially a dirty pair, if you can find some."

"ooooh, i can't do that!!"

"why not?"

"she would know!  i couldn't explain that."

hmmm....well, ok, that blows that whole line of kink out...forget the forced sissification or smelling his girlfriend's worn panties....

"so what do you have nearby?  any rubberbands?  a ruler?  a spatula?  do you have any toys you play with like clothespins, a dildo, a carrot?"

"oh no, never done anything to myself...what is the ruler used for, and the rubberbands?"

"well, my dear, i want to command you to do CBT on yourself."

"what is CBT?"

"cock and ball torture"

"WHAT?  i don't wanna hurt myself!!!"

"you don't have to make it hurt if you can't take it.  just enough pressure to give you a very pleasurable sensation."

"well i don't want to do that...that doesn't sound like fun to me."

"ok, why don't you stand up and show me that manly ass of yours?"


"because i happen to like the look of a man's ass."

"i don't feel comfortable doing that..."

hmmmmm this is getting difficult.

"well, ok then...what DO you want to do?"

"I will do anything you ask of me, mistress."

hmmm, i think to myself.  so far he has refused to do everything i have asked of him yet he says he will do anything i ask of him.  ooooooooooooo kaaaaaaaaaaaaay....

"how about we play a little game?  you tell me your deepest darkest fantasy, and i will show you my luscious 40DD breasts?"

yeah...that way, i can work on his fantasy...

"i don't have any fantasies."

"you never fantasize about anything?"


"what do you think about when you are jerking off or fucking your girlfriend?"

"nothing.  i just like how it feels and i think about that.  i just want you to tell me to do something naughty."

struck out on that one.  damn.

"well, honey, one person's definition of naughty is another person's definition of normal.  what do you consider naughty?"

"i dunno....something.....NAUGHTY!!"

"like what?"

"i don't know.... never thought about it before."


"i think you should take your fingertip and run it up and down your cock back and forth, but not touch yourself with anything more than one finger....imagine how badly you want to touch badly you want to stroke yourself....but i will not let you do it until i am ready....just use that fingertip and GENTLY touch yourself from top to bottom..."


"how does that feel?"


"just fine?"


"ok....can you imagine wanting more?  begging for more?  craving, desiring, wishing, wanting, willing to do ANYTHING for more?  being made to beg for more?"

" just want you to make me do something naughty."

fuck...this is not working...

" want naughty?  then i will give you sixty seconds to jerk yourself off, and you MUST DRINK EVERY DROP of that cum and not spill one iota, do you understand?"

"no, i cannot do that!"

"why not??"

"i don't want to drink anything that's been inside me."

"do you have any ice cubes nearby?"

"yeah, i have some in my pepsi."

"great!!!  take one out, and very gently rub it across the insides of your thighs....rub it closer and closer to your balls....rub it along the base of your cock..."

"it's too cold... i don't like this."

"don't you want to please me?"

"yes, i will do anything you say, but this is too cold."

"very well, remove the ice."

big sigh.  running out of ideas.

"honey, i am very sorry, but i don't think this is working."

"you don't want to command me?"

"honey, i have given you commands and you have refused to do every single one of them!"

"but i want you to command me!"

i look at my watch....

"i HAVE been commanding you for the past five minutes!  and all you have done is run your finger up and down your cock, and it didn't do anything for you."

"please, mistress, i am begging you, command me to do something!"

"very well....i command you to take your forefinger, and your thumb, place it over your nipple, and roll your thumb and forefinger back and forth against one another....feel that on your nipple and tell me how it feels."

"my nipples aren't very sensitive - that's not going to do anything for me."

"have you ever used anything up your ass?  a dildo?  a vibrator?  a cucumber?  a carrot?  a brush handle?"


"i understand how you feel.  but just because a man likes to have his ass stimulated, doesn't mean he is gay.  in fact, there is a little almond shaped gland near your rectum, called the prostate gland...and if we stimulate that, it feels great!  and you can have an orgasm that feels like one you have never had before."

"NO.  i will not put anything up my ass."

perhaps not, but that doesn't mean you aren't anal retentive, i muse silently...

"honey, this is not working for me...i am sorry, but i think we need to say goodbye."

"NO PLEASE!  command me to do something!!!!"

just like with a child...count to not lose not lose your temper...

"mistress, are you there?"

"yes i am here."

"command me to do something really naughty."

"what do you consider naughty??"

"i don't know."

"what do you want to do to please me?"

"i'll do whatever you tell me to do."

"like what?"

"i don't know...something naughty!"

"squeeze your balls for me."

"i don't want any pain."

"i know that.  just squeeze them enough to apply light pressure, and feel the sensation.  then run your fingernails gently over them...scrape them softly for me."

"i really don't enjoy playing with my balls."

"what do you enjoy doing?"

"having sex."

"ok, i command you to imagine having hot, nasty, wet sex with someone who really turns you on....who would it be?"



"i dunno...i can't think of anyone..."

"you can't think of anyone you would like to have sex with?"


"honey, i am sorry, but this is just not working for me."

"NO, PLEASE!  make me do something naughty!  i will do ANYTHING you say!  i PROMISE!"

"lay on your back, put your knees over your shoulders, jerk yourself off, and come on yourself."

"NO, i don't want anything inside me to be on me."

"ok...i think we are done here.  i think you need to call another dominatrix on here, and find someone who can give you what you are looking for."

"NO PLEASE!  PLEASE!  command me to do something naughty!  i will do ANYTHING!"

"do you have a necktie?"


"get it."


fifteen seconds later...

"i have it, mistress."

"very good!  now take the necktie and tie it around your balls, pull a knot and then tie it around the base of your cock."


"because i said so."

"it's not gonna feel good - that's just too weird."

breathe in....breathe out....keep breathing...count to ten....

"honey, why don't you hang up, and try mistress _____ on here?  she's very good, been around a long time.  i think you will like her a lot."

"no, mistress, please, please, please don't hang up on me.  i want to be naughty for you!!! i want to please you!  i will do anything for you!"

"be very naughty for me, my darling, and call mistress _____ and have a wonderful time together. "


"goodbye, darling."


"thank you for your call, but it's time that we realize that i am not the domme for you."


"are you hard?"


"make yourself hard...stroke your cock, long slow full it just how you like it to be worked...let it feel wonderful, let it feel sensual...let it feel harder than it's ever been before...and then we are going to play a delightful little game of tease and denial."

"it doesn't seem to want to get hard."

"i see.  well, i think that just emphasizes that i've taken you as far as i can take you, sweetie.  call mistress _______ and have a wonderful day, my dear."


a short burst of music comes on...."this call lasted fifteen minutes... XXX dollars and XXX cents has been deposited into your account...thank you for using niteflirt...."

i cannot say i derived any joy from taking that man's money.  this was not the usual call where the man hangs up fulfilled, spent, happy, on an endorphin high.  i did not hang up feeling fulfilled that i did a good job and rocked someone's world.

i hope he did better with mistress _____.  if not, i hope he did not tell her i referred him to her!!!!!

5/15/2009 7:12:08 AM
well holy crap.  i just found out that my mail settings are such that i have thirteen pages of mail sitting in my bulk folder.  i am so sorry if someone emailed me and i never got back to you.  this is why.

i never noticed, because my inbox is always showing quite a few new emails every time i log in, so i never even thought there could possibly be more in another folder. 

there are six months' worth to go through, so i will be busy for a bit.  i apologize to those who wrote longer than six months ago...the collarme system has deleted those :-(

5/12/2009 7:24:17 PM
i am so horny tonight.  i would love to make a booty call...but i dunno who to call!!!!

or have someone come into the house unannounced through the glass doors....find me....take me....roughly....

5/12/2009 9:26:23 AM
hope all you mamas had a wonderful mother's day. 

mine was absolutely wonderful.

i was taken to olive garden (one of my favorite restaurants), and then we went to a nature preserve.  it was 94 degrees and mostly sunny, but thank goodness a lot of our hike was spent under clouds or shade.  this was a very, very primitive location.  the welcome center's restroom facility consisted of one outdoor port-a-potty.  at least it had toilet paper, LOL!  but the scenery was beautiful.  lots of wildlife - birds, many alligators in the canals and river, and we enjoyed watching people fishing, kayaking, and airboating down the st. johns.  a big lake with lots of shade was perfect to take a break.  there were no grills or pavilions - it was really out there!  florida nature at its finest.   i love the contrast between open land, marshes, and water and this place had it all.  surprisingly, a field had very bright green grass...i am going to assume it was because the surface was marshy. 

next month, when the heat is 94 degrees and the humidity is even higher, there is no way i could have made it out there for even three minutes.  i'm very grateful the humidity was low enough for us to enjoy it.

between partying all day and all night saturday and then playing davy crockett the next day, i slept a good twelve hours solid sunday night.   

i went to give plasma monday, and my blood pressure was almost low enough to have them reject me.  it was 92/64.  and my hematocrit was also at rejection rate - 38.0%.  no wonder i was feeling so exhausted.  the anti-depression medications actually raised my blood pressure when i took it, which was good because my BP usually runs low.  but yesterday....that was REALLY low for me. 

i am now happily housesitting/petsitting in land o' lakes for a week.  any tampa bayers wanna meet for lunch or dinner?

next week i am off to the space coast to visit with family.  any space coasters wanna get together?

later today, i have a play date :-)  oh boy!  my ass still hurts though, so i am kinda worried i will wimp out.  again.  but i want more pain...and more good hard sex. and i think i'm a-gonna get it!

life is good.

5/10/2009 8:15:13 AM
gas in car - $20
cost for demos at the woodshed - $15
two iced teas - $2
dinner at the flick munch - free (thanks, s, for picking up my tab...totally unexpected but much appreciated)
parking at the honeypot - $5
two amaretto sours at fetish circuit - $10
cover to get in fetish circuit - $10
lost wages from blowing off work - $awwwww fuck it, not gonna think about that

having my ass completely pink, red, black purple and blue today - priceless.

nice work, f.  you need to see your results the next day.  looks even better today.

the demos at the woodshed were fantastic - i loved each one that i could attend.  i loved witnessing the camaraderie there. the FLICK munch was very nice - several people were very friendly and really made me feel welcome.  fetish circuit - well....fetish circuit KICKED ASS.

i am one tired mama, happily off to spend this beautiful day with family.

happy mother's day, all you moms.  mine is off to a fantastic start, complete with still-burning ass cheeks that even the smallest amount of pressure makes HURT!

5/8/2009 6:12:35 PM
starla called a few days ago and said she and her master would like me to cover to model some of their new bdsm jewelry and collars and a head restraint for their website, 

oh, wow, i thought to myself.  do i HAVE to????  really?  do i HAVE TO???

i mean, it's horrible!  HORRIBLE!!!!  every time i go over there they give me items to take home - for free!....they take me out to dinner to really nice restaurants....they make me laugh....they show me that, yes, it IS possible to meet the love of your life and live a 24/7 master/slave life....they show me their beautiful gardens and koi pond and absolutely to-die-for coral tank...they listen to what's going on in my life and offer me wise, pertinent advice....they support whatever decisions i make and cheer me on....they make me laugh some more.....and we talk, and talk, and talk, and talk.

we talked for three hours in the restaurant.  we talked for two hours in their home.

the actual photography part only takes a half hour, tops.  the rest is spent talking, and talking, and talking.

and i love it.

these are two of the most real people i have ever met.  i am honored to know them.

she wrote an entry in her journal today and i read it and it made me cry.  she said that john never hugs anybody except her and their kids .................and sammie.  the tears started running down my cheeks and they still are.  it is so humbling to know that.

life is good.

tomorrow i am TAKING A DAY OFF WORK!  yes!  no photo shoots.  no phone sex.  no webcam.  no pro domme work.  instead, i am going to the woodshed during the day for their demo classes, then to the FLICK munch for dinner, and then to fetish circuit's party at the honey pot in ybor city.  as a submissive, as a bottom, and hopefully, if i'm lucky, as a masochist.

life is good.

so what are YOU doing this weekend?  i wanna know!  especially all the juicy details afterwards, heh heh.

5/6/2009 11:00:33 PM
i'm still a woodshed virgin.  but tonight, i was treated to foreplay.

i had a business appointment seven miles away from the woodshed and i thought this was waaaay too good an opportunity to pass up.  so i swung by and got to see the shed for the first time (luckily they are now open on wednesday nights!)

a lot of heart, soul, blood, sweat, tears and love went into creating that place.  Master Cecil and his team have done a great job. 

i had the pleasure of meeting a few of his elves tonight as we sat outside under the stars.  the conversation was spirited, lively, thoughtful, intelligent. 

i hated to leave but i was very tired.

i didn't play tonight, but i was inaugurated into the century plus ten club.  that was a rush...heart was going ba-BOOM, ba-BOOM, ba-BOOM for a bit afterward.  and it was soooo great to see Master Cecil after several years, and witness how his beautiful slave has blossomed since the first time I met her.

i'm looking forward to my next visit, where hopefully my shed virginity will be taken!

5/5/2009 11:43:48 AM
there are three people in my life who i would call "Master" in a heartbeat...three people who i have loved deeply and with whom i would even consider the abominable "M" word for (marriage), three people who i would do anything for...ANYTHING.  we are talking slavehood with no limits type of feelings.  three people who i respect and admire.  three people who have every facet of their lives in order, which is my number one prerequisite to call anyone "Master."  (how can you master someone else when your own life isn't mastered?)  and three people who, if i could, i would drop anything and everything for a chance to play with them. 

or so i thought.

i had that chance last night, and i didn't go.

the "whys" are too personal to share here but there's a lot of baggage behind them.  and i hate having baggage. 

regret is a tough emotion to live with.

5/3/2009 6:53:25 PM
so did anyone go to sir steffan's grand opening at his new venue?  so far, i have heard one glowing report, with not one negative thing said!  yay!!!  it sounds like there was plenty of dungeon space to crack a whip, and that the food was great!  so happy to hear good things like that!

anyone else care to share? 

i don't know what it is, but i have had a booming weekend with work!  new england people have been calling like crazy!!!  seriously - it's really been great.  gotta be something in their water supply?!?!  connecticut, maine, new hampshire, delaware, virginia, pennsylvania, new jersey, maryland!  yeah, there have been some california, illinois, nevada, georgia and south carolina, but the new england area kicked ass this weekend! 

keep on dumping whatever that is into the water, ok?  i have three birthdays and one graduation and one prom coming up to pay for!

5/1/2009 6:13:32 AM
tomorrow night is sir steffan's grand opening of his new venture, a huge restaurant/party place with many theme nights:  TG/TV/TS/CD events, swingers events, fetish events...

if you have nothing to do tomorrow night (yeah, like that's ever gonna happen in florida!), please go check it out and give him your support.

 in between work calls, sometimes i have time to sit and ruminate about things.  sometimes that's good, sometimes that's bad.  but i was thinking about my job yesterday.  since i have moved and don't have a dungeon room set up anymore, the dominatrix work is pretty quiet now.  so i have been doing webcam and phonesex full time.  i think one reason why i like phonesex and webcam so much is because it is so instant-results oriented.

some of my downfalls are:  lack of patience and inability to see be self-disciplined to work towards the big picture.  phonesex and webcam are perfect for that. 

the customer calls.  you rock his world.  he thanks you and gives you immediate validation by the great things he says.  he hangs up.  the money is deposited immediately into your character's account and you can see how much you made.  after hanging up, he leaves positive feedback on your listing that shows up as soon as you refresh your screen.

wham!  bam!  bang! zingo!  zowsza!  it's done!  it's in there!

talk about instant gratification!

you have the satisfaction of immediate positive feedback, and watching your account immediately grow with each call.

perfect for long-term goal challenged people like me!

another good thing about webcam and phonesex is that there is that physical barrier between you and the caller.  as a result, it is not as draining for me.  with the pro domme work, you are interacting in each other's personal space.  you are touching, feeling, exerting, initiating, catalyzing.  you are exchanging real energy.  and since domination is really not my personality's demeanor, and i am much more happier being submissive in real life, it is even more draining.  but i do miss it.  it is a real rush to have a session with a submissive who needs, wants, craves discipline.  after all, in a way, aren't i in fact SERVING him by taking care of his needs?

4/28/2009 8:52:26 PM
wanted:  kinky person who rides a bicycle and doesn't mind riding with an old fat chick.

i just got a free bike from my new local freecycle group and live very, very close to the van fleet bike trail.  who wants to go????

(PLEEEEEZE don't ask, "where's the van fleet trail?"  that's what google is for!)

reminder:  i am an old fat chick (translated:   i can't go fast).  also, i brake for ice cream shoppes.

4/27/2009 10:51:38 AM
computers.  gotta luv 'em, gotta hate 'em.

i have no idea where i picked up this virtumonde/vundo virus.  but it is nasty.  evil.  malicious.  tenacious.  downright hellacious.

someone on here has been a big help to me several times throughout the years with, oh you know, little things like MOVING, a backrub when my back went out, and among other things, just being there at the right time.

little did i know he is a major computer geek!  he called me and offered to help.

i had researched this virus the best i could with my little knowledge, limited mental resources, and even worse understanding, and downloaded and ran a bunch of programs - malwarebyte's anti-malware, registry mechanic, spyware doctor, spybot search and destroy, vundofix, ccleaner, bitdefender, and who knows what else.  thank goodness i have a laptop too, and was able to communicate with several people who were instant messaging me and giving me more ideas and suggestions and i did what i could.  each program found either a lot, or a little or none.  each one was able to delete some but not all, or none.  and throughout all this, the computer acted wonky, sometimes not letting me do anything. 

if i had a dollar for every time i had to reboot, i would not have to work today.

it affected my screensaver, my windows log-in password requirements, my internet connection...i can't even recall all the trouble i had.  finally, i couldn't even log into my account.  but even safe mode under administrator wasn't running right.  

finally, i gave up when spyware doctor wouldn't let me remove all the things it found unless i paid for it.  WTF.  when things say they are free, i automatically think EVERYTHING about it is free!  silly me.  the scan is free.  the fix is not free!

well, this person that i mentioned above came over last night and fixed a lot of the problems.  my computer is functioning.  there are still a few things that are not quite right, but it is functional, and I CAN MAKE MONEY TODAY.

there are probably still parts of the virus on my _restore files, but the .CABS that refer them to the _restore files are deleted, so hopefully the nasties will just lay dormant with no way to get activated.

thank you, f.

but perhaps even better was the mutual massage, and the mutual pleasure we gave and received.  it was the best sex i have had in months.  and it was obvious i am out of practice, because certain orifices are bleeding and HURT today.  i don't mean uncomfortable.  i mean HURT LIKE HELL!

am i complaining?  FUCK NO. 

i still get horny just remembering it.  i already masturbated once this morning remembering it.

every time i move and both holes HURT, but i cannot help but smile as i remember him slamming into me, over and over and over and over and me what i needed and wanted.

so one hurts and is bleeding, the other just hurts.  i don't care what you say, my pussy says you were up to your elbow inside me.

i am burning my inflatable butt plug, by the way. 

and that tingling lube that feels like tiger balm in the pussy is in the garbage can.  fire in the hole, indeed.

but why is it i get so FUCKING WET just thinking about it, even though it still HURTS?????

who cares if the anti-virus scans took god/dess knows how long?  we made use of the time ;-)

so, finally, at long last, my new bedroom is no longer a virgin bedroom, my bed has been baptized in its new home, and my three kitties are happily napping on my portable massage table.  gonna break my heart to take it down and leave them without a nice surface to spread out and lay on...oh wait...guess they will have to move back to my bed again!

oh, and hey!  i learned i have a new hard limit!  yes i do!

no popping a zit on my back.  IT HURTS!!!!!!

yeah, i'm still a wimp.  the former maso of melbourne has turned into the wimp of winter haven.   the pussy of polk city.  the inauspicious of auburndale. get the idea.

another friend who helped me moved (actually, she brought most of the moving crew) invited me over to her house for a pool party yesterday.  i was so bummed and really didn't think i would be good company but she convinced me to come anyway.  four fuzzy navals later, one plate of homemade potato salad, grilled chicken, veggies and dip, and tostitos and home cheese dip later, one skinny dipping in the pool later, one beer run with another guy who helped me move, and lots of hugs later, and a long conversation with her husband, i did feel a lot better and was not so depressed and anxiety-ridden.

lesson learned:  even though you feel like the world is crashing down on you and the only thing you can do is be a hermit, don't be a hermit.

will i follow that lesson next time?  i dunno.  but yesterday sure was a great day, virtumonde and vundo BE DAMNED!

4/25/2009 2:06:00 PM
local computer geek needed.  i have virtumonde on my desktop which is used for my main source of income.  will pay to get this fixed asap.

4/18/2009 5:41:49 AM
gonna try to get everything done that needs to get done today, and if that works out, i am going to venture out to have my woodshed virginity taken tonight :-)  i would love to see some friends there!  or make new ones!!  don't know if i can stay long, but hopefully long enough to get a good ass whuppin'.

4/17/2009 6:03:12 AM
the kitties spent all day under a front porch.  we found them there, all three pairs of eyes staring at us (no, more like GLARING at ME).  i visited them all day and tried to sweet talk them, and lure them out with food and water.  "no way is that gonna work on us again, bitch," they replied.

finally about 11 p.m., they came out one by one through the opening in the porch steps.  they all allowed me the privilege of petting them (yay!) and they very, Very, VERY tentatively checked out a bit of the front yard, and followed me to my front door.  they all came in (yay!) and checked out their new home.  they all found the cat door (yay!) and have been keeping busy going in and out, in and out, in and out, all night long (yay!).  and now two are on my bed and one is eating. 

this is how it should be.

life is good.

and now maybe we can make this a home.  hopefully for longer than a year this time.

my new shrink wonders why i have not pursued a daddy dom type of relationship.  that really floored me, because with my background, you would think that i WOULD have pursued one by now.  but that has always been a "ummm...naaaah, i don't think i would be interested in that....i am a GROWN, INDEPENDENT, MATURE WOMAN!"  but now i realize that i never really had a nurturing childhood, and that a daddy dom figure probably would have been something that i should have been attracted to.

i gotta think on that. 

i was gonna go to the sarasota society's party this weekend (annie is such a sweetheart and is so kind), but it turns out i need to stick close to home.  i am fighting the hermit reflex with every bone in my body, and maybe i will go somewhere local this weekend, i dunno.

i haven't been very good in the private play head is just not where it should be but i hope that changes really soon.  my shrink totally understands the relief that masochism brings due to biological changes it makes in my body.  she hasn't said one way or another if she views masochism as a good thing or a bad thing.  i'm sure she has her opinion.  but i am not ready to hear it yet.  so actually, i feel like i am really perpetuating the vicious cycle by not engaging in masochistic play as the endorphins are not being released, which keeps me in a depressed frame of mind.  but i am afraid that when i am depressed, the play will not go well, and i will disappoint the play partner.  maybe i just need to bite the bullet and try anyway.  i dunno.

in the meantime, i will pet my cats on my nice comfy bed in my new home!

4/16/2009 2:24:18 PM
i am finally back "home" after finishing my responsibilities on both sides of the state.  i put home in quotes, because it doesn't feel like my home yet.  i guess it shouldn't, cuz i haven't really been around it much yet. 

the cats are hiding under the porch and WILL NOT COME OUT.  not for food, not for water, not to be pet, nadda.  they have had it.  and i don't blame them.  they've been uprooted from yet another home, dragged to one side of the state, and then dragged to the other side of the state to a new place, and now dragged to ANOTHER brand new place, all in two weeks.  i'm hoping they will forgive me and come sleep with me tonight.  and that they will like their new digs.  there are soooo many interesting places for cats here!  a boat to sleep in!  a barn to chase things in.  a big yard to stalk things in.  a quiet neighborhood to make rounds in.  and best of all, my nice big comfy bed to nap in. their new cat door is freshly installed and waiting for them to come and go as they please.  i am estimating it will be tomorrow or the next day before they come out from under the porch.

i am feeling really blah today.  i think i am gearing towards a depressive episode.  gawd, i hope not.  there are soooo many things that need to be done and a lot of lifestyle events coming up that i would like to do.  when you are in a depressive episode, just getting out of bed is a major undertaking.

i don't feel like playing, but i have had plenty of people to play with.  i don't feel like going to any of the events this weekend, although i know i SHOULD and that not going is not going to help anything.  (well, except i can work and not lose that money, i guess.)

i hate all this mental/emotional/psychological crap and just wish i were NORMAL.

4/14/2009 8:34:51 AM
yesterday was a tough day.  i had my first appointment with a new psychiatrist.  since i went off my meds in october of last year, i have not been back to see my prior one, even though i've been seeing him for years, and have such a history with him. 

i wanted to find someone local so that i wouldn't have to make the long drive anymore, and found one, ironically, just minutes from don dom's house. that i have moved to bumfuckegypt, i have....guess what....a long drive again!  oh well. 

i am not sure if i should stay with this one, or find ANOTHER one by bumfuckegypt.

anyway, we met for the initial appointment and it was two hours long.  i answered everything completely honestly and she said afterwards, "i have never had a patient who was so honest with me.  you have told me more in two hours than most people feel comfortable sharing in months."

i wasn't surprised to hear that.

she agreed with my diagnoses of major depression recurrent, borderline personality disorder, and bipolar type II.  she also agreed with the new diagnosis of anxiety disorder.  i will be receiving medication for that, and i am really looking forward to that.  the panic attacks and flashbacks have gotten quite bad, and are interfering with my life too much. 

she would like me to try dialectical behavorial therapy, which is pretty common therapy for borderline.  it involves weekly psychotherapy sessions and weekly group therapy sessions.  i am not sure if i will be able to do this due to the distance. 

i was pretty drained last night afterwards.  she asked a lot of indepth questions that made me go places my memory doesn't like going.  and i wonder if feeling so drained afterwards, twice a week, will be a good thing. 

but i was able to tell her everything that i felt was early age involvement in BDSM (five years old is my earliest memory), my failed relationships history, my legally questionable fringe work as a professional dominatrix, my work in the adult entertainment industry, my dysfunctional family history, my promiscuity, etc., etc., ad nauseum. 

she was the perfect clinical nonjudgmental profressional, and assured me everything is kept confidential. 

she laughed (not at me, but in fun) on quite a few occasions because some of my answers were "sooooooo typical borderline."  when asked pertinent questions about myself that most people would answer definitively without hesitation, i would have a blank look on my face and say, "i have no idea."

if anyone else has undergone DBT, please let me know your experiences.  it's a big commitment time-wise and distance-wise, and i am not sure if i will be able to do that.

i will be baking cookies for the troops all day today...the ingredients should be dropped off here any minute.  hope everyone is having a great day today.

4/12/2009 3:29:28 PM
my body is battling over trytophan-overload from Easter dinner with my family, and concern over one of my black cats.

i went to have a wonderful easter dinner, after segregating my kitties from the bird i am pet-sitting.  the bird was moved to the bathroom, where there is a nice huge mirror for him to look at and admire that beautiful bird who is looking back at him in the reflection.  the door was closed off, and my cats had the run of the house.

little did i know that the person who was watching the dog that i was pet sitting (until i went to visit my family for spring break) decided to come while i was gone today, and bring the dog back. 

and in doing so, he let the dog out the back door, and LEFT THE SCREEN DOOR WIDE OPEN. 

he claims it was only for a minute, while he went back out the front door to his truck, but that is long enough for a cat to get loose.

and sure enough, i only count two cats. 

i cannot tell which black cat is missing, as the one remaining cat will not come out from behind the washing machine, because she is scared of the dog.

i've driven around for a good hour looking for missing-black-cat, to no avail. 

i just hope she knows to which house she needs to come back. WAS a good easter, until that happened!  hope you all are having a great one.

just my luck, one of the cats will somehow get to the bird and eat it.

on another note, since i have broken up with don dom, i am now without a photographer, and am looking for kinky amateurs who just want to shoot porn for the heck of it.  i cannot pay you, sorry, but you can use it for your portfolio, or if you just want to come and have fun taking nasty pictures of a nekkid woman/women.  i could buy your beer, though, or feed you lunch :-))  i often shoot with other girls, so yes, the possibility of multiple nekkid women is a good one.  and i will give you a free month's membership to my website so you can see your handiwork.  if you offered to do this before and it never happened, it is probably because i forgot you offered!  my memory ain't the greatest.  so if you are still interested, please contact me again.

but for now.....WHERE'S MY BLACK CAT?!?!?!?!  ooohh, tryptophans making me sleeeeeeepy

4/11/2009 8:13:42 PM
i didn't make it to the lakeland munch.  i didn't make it to FLICK.  i didn't make it to the tampa munch.  i didn't make it to the woodshed.  i didn't make it to sir steffan's birthday party.  i didn't make it to tampa fetish party.  (wow, once again, i am amazed at how much lifestyle stuff there is to do here in central florida!)  and i am sure there were plenty of other options on the menu.

what i did do, is spend a wonderful day with family that ended up being longer than planned, and then having the perfect timing to see what my mom would have called a walt disney sunset as i drove over the banana river and the indian river in brevard county.  the clouds were painted purple and orange, and the sun was a deep bright pink, complete with pink rays.  it was hard to concentrate on the bridge - i wish there was a place to pull over at the top of one of the bridges just to say, "ooooooohhh!  ahhhhhhhhh!" 

the ride back to land o lakes with the three kitties was blessedly uneventful.  we pulled up in our destination's driveway, pressed the garage door opener, and drove right in.  no chance for terrorized kitties to get away and be lost for a day!  they are now happily making themselves at home on chairs and countertops and windowsills, although i cannot help but wonder if they are silently thinking, "when is the NEXT time she is going to uproot us???"

they are always a big hit going through the beachline tollbooths in orlando.  without fail, the toll collector will smile and make a comment about the sweet cute little furballs.

hope everyone had a great time tonight, no matter which event they decided to attend!

and for those of you who celebrate it, happy easter!

4/10/2009 8:54:29 AM
i never, ever, EVER thought i would see the day where i would be glad to say, "i am glad A1A is clogged with tourists!"

it's true. 

there are nowhere near as many snowbirds here in the space coast as in prior years, but spring break has drawn a lot of out-of-state license plates and motorcycles.  as i watched one business after another fold around here, it is a blessing to see the spring breakers here. 

mostly young families, which is good for the restaurants, beach apparel shops, grocery stores...

i just hope the struggling businesses can make it until next year's snowbird influx.

i woke up this morning with all three kitties on my bed with me.  this is how it should be.  well, except for accidentally waking up the closest one to my right foot when i stretched without being aware there was a kitty there yet.  my family is enjoying having these kitties around, and often pick one up and pet it and say, "these are the best kitties in the whole wide world!"  well, of course they are.  i knew it...the kitties knew's about time the rest of the world gets with the program!  they are being spoiled with lots of hugs and kisses and free hands petting them and kitty treats and playing with the evil feather on a stick.  as well it should be. 

little do they know that this weekend, we leave my family's home and make the trek back across the state, to house sit in land o' lakes until the 17th.  and then, on the 18th, they will be introduced to their new home in the sticks.  the last time i was there, i noticed lots of neighborhood cats in the vicinity and i hope they all get along. 

4/9/2009 11:50:35 AM
the brain truly is the most important sexual organ in our body.  and if you want to experience the rest of my sexual organs, you had better somehow reach the most important one first.

4/8/2009 11:07:01 AM
i sit here staring at a bag of pepperidge farm sausalito cookies (walnut and chocolate chip), and chesapeake cookies (pecan and chocolate chip).  i have no idea how they got here.  they were on the shelf at the store and just magically jumped down into my basket.  it was fate.  it was meant to be.

the closest wal-mart where i am visiting is one of the old ones, the original ones, the outdated ones.  the floors are old scuffed tile, the scuff marks waxed over countless times.  the shelves are old and have black dent marks on them.  there is one aisle of refrigeration cases and their food section is highly limited. 

at least, that is how it was last month.

this month they have started their renovation.

particle board everywhere.  aisles totally out of sync.   never before have i seen bread next to hair styling aids.  very limited selection of merchandise and brands.  and here's the kicker.

the adult incontinence aisle, which serves a small part of the population, was on an outside aisle so wide, you could have bumper car races with the handicapped motorized carts.  while the shampoo aisle, which the majority of the population uses, only had width for ONE CART at a time!  people had to back up over half of the aisle to get out.

can you say clusterfuck?

usually, there are senior citizens wandering around wal-mart, their eyebrows knitted in concentration and concern, trying to navigate the confusion, slooooowly.  today, EVERYONE was wandering around, muttering to themselves, and causing traffic jams in every main thoroughfare.

having most of the brands for which i was looking not even available, and in the confusion, totally forgetting to get breakfast cereal, still in amazement that most of the orange juice shelves were completely sold out, i made a detour down the snack aisle, which, unbelievably, was completely devoid of people.  my plan was to haul ass down that aisle and join the queue in the smallest checkout lane, and get the hell out of there. 

and that's when it happened. 

the cookies.

i tell you, i have no memory of picking them up off the shelf.  i swear, they made a brave leap off the shelf and landed square in my purse seat on the cart.  it was a miracle.  st. sausalito and st. chesapeake, newly canonized saints. 

the cashier says it will be late may until the renovation is complete. 

i wonder if the 44 ounce packages of M&Ms have the same leaping capabilities? 

4/6/2009 9:16:43 PM
update:  ZOE CAME BACK!

life is good!

4/6/2009 9:57:26 AM
i arrived at my family's on the other side of the state, and as i was walking up the sidewalk to the front door, zoe escaped.  i have searched the neighborhood for her several times and she is not responding to my voice.  there is a busy parkway right behind the property, and i am afraid she will end up road kill.

there are culverts and underground tunnels and a huge park and lots of places for her to hide.  i don't know if i will ever see her again.

this is not a good day today.

4/5/2009 4:20:27 PM
being a hermit can be a double-edged sword.  on the one hand, if you like yourself, and enjoy being in your own self's company, and can keep yourself amused, it is much easier to just be alone.  it's less complicated, and often, less painful.  and you can be very happy just having to worry about yourself. 

but on the other hand, being a hermit can cause you to miss out on wonderful friendships and other relationships.  but, of course, if you do open yourself up to those friendships and relationships, you are taking a risk.  and risks are sometimes not worth it.  until you are ready.

i am fighting the urge to be a hermit right now.  it is very easy for me to drop out of sight and disappear for days and weeks on end, and i am perfectly happy during that time (well, as long as i am not having a severe major depressive episode, that is...).   i love to watch movies and read books and read trashy magazines and crochet an afghan and take long walks by myself and wander around wal-mart for hours in the middle of the night.  i don't mind holing myself up in my room for long hours at a time and watching my favorite TV shows (boston legal, frasier, family guy, lately) on the internet in between webcam and phonesex calls (hey you can hit the PAUSE button when a call comes in!!!  best thing since sliced bread!)

i very, very rarely ever feel lonely.  and very rarely ever feel the urge to NEED to get together with people.

is this a good thing? or a bad thing?  am i antisocial?  is this yet another psychiatric disorder to add to my diagnoses?

i feel no pressing urgency to get into a new relationship, and that is definitely for the best.  when you are desperately seeking a relationship, there may be a tendency to go too quickly, and make decisions that should have been made over time.  

and rebound relationships...well...we all know the danger of those. 

i've lost touch with so many people over the years because of this tendency to hermitize myself.  and i should feel bad about that, and maybe even grieve over that.  sometimes i do feel a pang of, "that was a great person...i wish i would have stayed in touch with him/her...) but that doesn't happen too often.  all in all, i am still happy just being alone most of the time. 

back in 1998 when i first got online, i chatted with people all over the world for hours on end and got to be friends with them and even had a few visit me when they came to florida on vacation.  learning about other countries and customs fascinated me.  but eventually, most of them drifted away as their lives got busy and complicated, and i drifted away when my life got busy and complicated.  some people just disappeared into thin air, and i never found out where they went.  and as the years went by, my hours of chatting online grew less and less.

now, i have absolutely no desire to go into a chat room for hours on end.  or even minutes on end.  i had a GREAT time in the past with that, especially the's IRC local florida channels, and met some great people in real life through that.  but that was always the goal, i meet people in real life eventually.  i needed more than an anonymous person typing on their side of the screen.  but now, i am even forcing myself to go to local munches and play parties and such for the real, personal, face-to-face connection that i have always preferred.   and i think the goal of that was to find play partners.  and if i was really lucky, The One. 

but how can i find casual play partners if i don't get out there, either by chatting online, or going to munches and play parties?  i know i need casual play partners.  i have a need, a desire, an urge, and sometimes, a FIRE burning to play.  and the only way to get that taken care of is to put yourself out there.  but when you put yourself out there, you can be setting yourself up for disappointment, and complications. 

that damn double-edged sword. 

4/4/2009 6:41:58 AM
i had a wonderful day yesterday. 

my sister treated me to a manicure AND a pedicure, and then to macaroni grill!  we did a little grocery shopping at wally-world, then went back to her place and watched three movies in a row. 

i was still wide awake from peach iced tea, blackberry iced tea, raspberry iced tea, and mango iced tea, at 1 a.m. after the last movie, i drove to don dom's house to get my cats.

i pulled up to the curb, and all three cats were in the front yard, like they were waiting for me.   two of them came right into the car (well, maybe the opened can of wet food helped...) but mama kitty was hesitant, and it took a good ten minutes before she would allow me to pick her up.

don dom came out to say hello and it was very bittersweet seeing him.

the drive home went fast and by 3 a.m., the kitties were meeting the dog i am pet-sitting.  first the dog chased the three cats and scared the bejesus out of them, and now, the dog is fine with them, but they are so spooked, they are hissing and growling at her.  i have them separated now, but hope to try to let them mingle again today. 

as soon as they get accustomed to each other, we will be traveling across the state monday morning for a whole week!  i hope the kitties and the dog remember each other after a week when we return.

i am so happy to have my kitties back with me.   once again, at least one is by my lap at all times.  this is how it should always be!

4/2/2009 1:41:12 PM
i NEED my cats!!!

hope to pick them up tonight.

i am housesitting/petsitting in land o' lakes until sunday, then going across the state to the space coast, then back to land o'lakes the following weekend, and finally home on the 17th.  i feel so......transient.  probably because i am so.....transient.

if i am gonna be in your area and you would like to get together, just drop me a line :-)

3/31/2009 11:18:31 PM
driving late at night on a deserted country road in the middle of an orange grove while the trees are in full bloom.  the sweet scent of millions of orange blossoms wafts into the car with the windows all the way down.


i've missed the boondocks.

3/31/2009 7:10:12 AM
i was invited to go to the lakeland munch but i declined, because it would be a real downer for me to break into tears in the middle of it.  that is pretty much what i do...a tv commercial, an email, a song...little things that remind me of this and that, and the tears start coming.  so i am just going to hole up for a while until i can carry on a conversation without crying.

i was really worried about the phone coverage out here but thank goodness, i am up and running with the webcam and phonesex lines without a problem and the quality is good enough to keep on doing it.  that is a huge relief.

i am very worried about my kitties.  i am afraid they are going to think i abandoned them and go on to find other homes.  i am not sure if i can hold out until the next time i am going to try to get them, which is thursday.  those little furballs have become a part of me.  never thought i would ever feel this way about CATS.  i have always been a DOG person.  still do love dogs.  but the saying goes, "dogs come when you call them.  cats come when they want to."  i have always found it heartwarming that at least one cat would always be on my bed within arm's reach.  they WANT to be there with me, they CHOOSE to be there with me.

well, there goes the phonesex line..."i owe, i owe, it's off to work i go..."

3/30/2009 7:24:15 AM
the move went well.  i had a lot of help and realize how blessed i am to have good friends. 

i am now living in a very tiny, tiny town.  no publix, no winn dixie, no sweet bay, no walmart, no bank, no blockbuster, no walgreens.  just a gas station and a post office and a mom-and-pop convenience store.   the closest walmart is miles away.  there are beautiful cow pastures with green grass, orange groves with huge trees in neat rows, and mostly older homes on large lots...suburban sprawl and tiny plats of land in subdivisions has not reached this area too much yet. 

my new landlady was very hospitable and followed me to the U-Haul drop off, and then drove me around to show me the lay of the land.  there IS just have to drive to it!

it is going to take some readjusting and planning.  that means making a long drive to a store with a grocery list instead of running out in the middle of the night to the 24/7 walmart on a whim. 

there are no cars or trucks or sounds of suburbia.  just lots of dogs barking in the middle of the night.  LOTS of dogs barking LOTS of times!  i have no clue what they were barking at, but it was almost every ten minutes.  now, they are silent.  probably sleeping during the day LOL!

i was not able to get my cats to come with me.  there were a lot of people helping with the move, and the cats got skittish and hid.  i even tried the never failing, last resort "open up a can of wet food" trick which usually has them running to me.  only one cat came, and when i tried to give her to someone to carry out to the car, she scratched his arms so bad he was bleeding.  and then she ran into the shed and hid.

i really miss having those furballs on my bed to just reach over and pet.  my therapeutic fur.  it's true - petting an animal releases endorphins and lowers blood pressure.  plus they are just good company.  they are very very affectionate and sweet (when they are not scratching strangers who are trying to put them in a car).

i will always love sir steffan's place and will continue to go there, but now i am much closer to the woodshed than before, and look forward to finally seeing it for myself.  hope to see some of you there sometime.

there is so much more i would like to say, but i need to process it in my mind first.  i wish don dom well and wish him the very best.  we had a lot of good times together and i still feel in so many ways, he is my soulmate.  but some circumstances made it so that the relationship, as dom/sub, as boyfriend/girlfriend, as roommates, would not work out.  i hope his next relationship is fulfilling and brings him much happiness.

it's time for me to set up my webcam studio, and stop crying before my eyes get all puffy.

hope everyone is having a great day, and enjoying this nice cool breezy florida weather. 

3/28/2009 7:08:45 AM
moving again, with a very heavy heart.  if you are free 03.29.09 at 11 a.m. and would like to help, i could sure use it.

(edited to change the date from APRIL to MARCH!  brain is frazzled, sorry)

3/21/2009 9:04:26 AM
like david bowie sang, "ch-ch-changes..."

those who are my friends, feel free to inquire.

otherwise, i am gonna be a good little subbie and keep my mouth shut.  for now.  (hey, being a good little subbie is a challenge, as those who know me well can attest.)

3/19/2009 5:32:52 PM
Getting ready to film more video for my clips4sale store (#18530) and my store.  If anyone would like to be a "stunt cock," please let me know.  Serious people only, please.  You will need to sign a model release and a 2257 Anti-Child Pornography release, and a picture of your photo ID will need to be kept on file with me or a website's official 2257 recordkeeper.  NO EXCEPTIONS!  If you have a location that can be used, that would be fantastic :-)

3/2/2009 1:24:47 PM
was not able to stay long at the sarasota society party.  i did my tour-duty responsibility for newcomers for sir steffan and then we pretty much took off right after that and left.  i felt a massive migraine coming on, and since i had to drive across the state the next day, i felt it prudent that i go home and get rid of the beast that was pounding in my head and forcing me to squint at the smallest beam of light. 

i felt horrible, because i really wanted don dom to play with other people, and i wanted to play with others too.  i was actually hoping he would take me up on his offer for him to stay and play while i laid back in my comfy passenger seat in the nice, quiet, DARK parking lot but he said NO WAY would he do that to me.  it really wouldn't have bothered me, and i wouldn't have offered it if i didn't want to do that.  but he is stubborn!  we came on home and i went straight to bed.

i also felt horrible because people were saying hi to me and i could barely answer them as it got worse and worse.  i just wanted to go to a dark, quiet place and be miserable all by myself.  migraines SUCK.  those who suffer from migraines know how debilitating they are.  if you have never suffered a migraine, imagine someone taking a jackhammer to your brain and there is not a thing you can do to stop it.  light hurts, sound hurts, sensation of any kind hurts.  and IT.  WON'T.  STOP.  i tried imitrex a few times and it didn't help but now there is a new drug out by the same manufacturers and i would love to get my hands on a few samples.  but thank goodness i don't get them nearly as often as i did before. 

i woke up feeling fine, (praise be to god/dess!  i invoked his/her name enough the prior night) and went on my way to the space coast that day.  made great time, as traffic around the tourist attractions area in orlando was very light...almost hauntingly light. 

spent a wonderful eight days across the state visiting family and came back all refreshed and ready to work, Work, WORK to offset the deficit that eight days of no working brings on!  but, fate has decided to interfere (won't bore you with the details) and i am frustrated and angry and seriously considering going to publix and filling out an application, and rejoining corporate america after years of not being a part of it.  not sure how long i could handle that with my degenerative disk disease but sometimes being self-employed really, REALLY sucks especially when you have no control over the situation and depend on websites and webmasters and such for your livelihood!

one major effect on the economy i saw through my travel to a popular wintering destination was that the snowbirds were conspicuously absent.  pedestrian as well as automobile traffic bearing out-of-state license plates was practically nil.  restaurants that catered to them have closed up.  a brand new restaurant that hadn't even been in existence for six months was boarded up and "FOR SALE".  (side note:  i wonder how next week's biker week in daytona will fare?  businesses up and down the whole florida east coast depend on biker week!) 

one of my very favorite places over there, moe's, disappeared into thin air.  i happened to run into a former employee there who told me he showed up for work and the place was locked up and empty inside.  they didn't even call their employees to tell them about it.  so, we went to another moe's about seven miles away, only to find out they do not run the monday special (any kind of burrito, all-you-can-eat chips with multiple salsas, and a drink for $5.99!!!) and people like me who were spoiled and went there every monday, were grumbling and not wanting to plunk down $7.89 just for a big burrito ala carte. 

big disappointment.  i have fond memories of going out with my family on mondays when i happen to be in town there, and hearing, "welcome to moe's!!!" shouted to you when you walk into the door, and scarfing down obscene amounts of chips and six different types of salsa, and having excellently brewed fresh iced tea in quantities that make my kidneys work for the next eight hours straight, and then splurging on the macadamia nut, oatmeal raisin, and chocolate chip cookies, and sitting at the table talking for over an hour and catching up with each other while all that delicious, gastronomically excellent STUFF digests in my bloated tummy.

but....but!  the ocean was TEEMING with surfers and boogieboarders doing their thing.  i spent many happy hours watching all the ocean lovers out there dotting the horizon, and all their athletically challenged viewers like me on the sand and boardwalks. 

one of the most beautiful sounds in the world to me is high tide at a beach.

whenever that rerun episode of "ER" comes on TNT network, where dr. mark dies from brain cancer at a beautiful beachhouse in beautiful hawaii with the beautiful seagulls and the beautiful surf breaking in the background noise, i am riveted to it, and ruminate that there is no better place to finish out your life.  or spend it. 

2/21/2009 10:04:12 AM
the gang bang at sir steffan's last wednesday was fantastic.  about twenty-five horny males, and four horny females, made for some very...ummm...vigorous sex among all the participants.  i personally saw quite a few guys fuck all four girls and i know for a fact at least one of them fucked some of the girls twice!  holy erection, batman!

there was one point where i was observing two females in the back room, servicing at least twelve males.  the room was just buzzing with SEX and body heat.  i love it when sex is palpable and tangible like that. 

after having a huge orgasm thanks to the oral skills of a male slave who was commanded to make me cum by his mistress, i couldn't hold back and joined in the gangbang.  after we left, don dom and i were still horny and we fucked like bunnies on the couch. 

tonight the sarasota society is having their party at sir steffan's.  hope to see you there!

2/15/2009 8:44:53 AM
happy valentine's day, everyone!  the day of love.  i hope your day was full of love, whether you were with a ton of people, a few, just one, or by yourself.

it is just important to have love for self as it is to have love for others, and to be loved.

some psychologists would say it is impossible to love others if you cannot love yourself first.

there were many good parties to go to last night to celebrate valentine's day, but i chose to go to sir steffan's for one important reason.

i have been going there since the days when morpheus held his tampa fetish parties there, before i even knew it was sir steffan's house!  i have always felt very welcome and at home there and have felt it was my "home dungeon."  you when you have a home team or a home field or a restaurant that is your very favorite and you feel at home there.   and i have always felt it was like a family there.  the same friendly, open, welcoming people have been coming there for years. 

and besides, you can have full, no holds barred, loud screaming SEX there.  multiple times in one night.  heh.  that helped seal the deal, too.

i had asked sir steffan earlier that when he gets to the part of his announcements when he asks if anyone has any birthdays, weddings, divorces, or whatever to celebrate or any announcements to make, if i could say something publicly and he said yes.

i had thought about this for a long, long time.

my track record in being able to have a healthy relationship with men has not been that great for many years.  take for example mr. marine and SNO, for example.  not good examples of my stellar moments.

so it was with great thought and soul searching that i made an announcement publicly in front of about 50 people last night.

i told the crowd how i had been coming there since the morpheus days (and what made it really really kewl is that there were people there last night from waaaaay back to the morpheus days!).  and i shared that in those years, i had made a lot of mistakes with men.  but then ten months ago, i met someone at IHOP, and we talked there for four hours, came back to his place, talked for four more hours, and have pretty much been inseparable since then.  and that it was high time to bite the bullet and say, on this day of love,




and i did it.  i said it outloud in front of all those people.  and everyone clapped and don dom gave me a big kiss and a hug and told me that that was the best valentine's day gift he had ever received in his life.

it made me so happy to know that it meant so much to him.

we had a wonderful time the rest of the night.  there were special guests visiting from out of state, and it brought back memories of sweet lou from VA who i met at bdsm camp in 2005, because he came down a few times to visit me and that is when we met these special guests who have become such a treat to see every year. 

there were some very nice sensual scenes and some very interestingly visual scenes.  since i was so nervous before the party, i forgot my big toy bag!!!  so we had no toys to play with and did not scene last night :-(  but we did have a very relaxing soak in the hot tub and i met this very handsome gentleman from another continent, and was fascinated by the stories he was telling me. 

we got reacquainted with people we had seen there for years but never had a chance to talk to, we talked with people we had never met yet.  it was actually nice to just have a night of social FUN!

so the whole night was not very sexual for us (although i did give him a blow job in the hot tub...) but all in all, it was probably one of the best parties for us as a couple that we have yet attended.  yet we didn't play!  and had no sex!  this is still new to me...i need time to process it, LOL!

i am just so grateful to all the people in this area who put their lives on the line - sir steffan...james at the quest...paul of the phoenix club...vic and annie of the sarasota society...cecil at the woodshed...edwin at the fetish circuit...all the countless people who hold private parties...(i hope i didn't forget anyone) these people work tirelessly and sometimes with little thanks from the community, so that we all have a place to go to, no matter what weekend it is, and play (and in some venues, fuck) like the wonderfully twisted, perverted, deviant, diabolical, fascinating humans that we are.  the least we can do is support their efforts by attending and contributing. 

speaking of attending, we will be back at sir steffan's this wednesday during the daytime for a special lady's gangbang!  hope to see you there. 

life is good!

2/7/2009 12:14:06 PM
last weekend don dom and i went to a photo shoot in apopka with five other southern-charms and we had a blast.  many good shoots were obtained.  i am so glad we went.  i was exhausted the next day though and pretty much slept and laid around.  it was totally worth it.  watched the superbowl, which was actually quite fun, even though i HATE all organized sports.  it was an interesting game with many twists and turns.  the superbowl commercials were really disappointing though.  not very many were witty or hysterically funny this year as in previous years.  my vote for the best would be the budweiser ones. 

i will be doing outdoor photo shoots tuesday with an old friend i have been reacquainted with recently, in a great location with an observation tower (upskirts), outdoor shower (wet sets), and many unique things perfect for giantess fetish and plenty of places for outdoor peeing.  gotta remember to do more cigar shoots as those sold very well :-)  on the 15th of february it looks like the focus of the shoots will be doing lots of golden shower work.  it's a tough job, but someone has to do if i can just find the time to edit all this footage!!!  southern-charms doesn't allow that, so it will go on the clips4sale store.

tomorrow one of my steadiest clients will be visiting for an hour long over-the-knee spanking.  have you ever spanked anyone for an hour?  the last time i did, both of my palms were black and blue.  seriously!  literally black and blue.  and that was even with using paddles, crops, canes and floggers intermittently!  but it is worth it, to see him just relax and enjoy it and murmur and moan and stretch and go into subspace....i remember that feeling of "aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh.....!"  he was so proud of all his marks, and he went away with ass and thighs covered with them.  lucky maso!

don dom and i will be at sir steffan's crossover party this wednedsay during the day (the 11th), saturday night (the 14th) and again wednesday during the day (the 18th) to cheer on a special subbie at her gangbang.  go to and become a member by filling out the survey, and if you fill out the corresponding interests, you will get an invitation to all parties that should interest you.  if you are there this week and see me and realize that the mugshot on here and my face in person match up, come by and say hi to us!

1/22/2009 7:36:49 PM
it is a very good possibility that this weekend, my woodshed virginity will be popped.  i mentioned to don dom that i really would like to go to the master/slave discussion being held by sir top and slave bonnie at the woodshed in orlando this saturday and then stay to play at the woodshed afterwards, and he said we very probably can do that!  yay!

hope to see many familiar faces there.  please don't be shy....if you see us, come up and say hi.  we really love meeting new people.

1/22/2009 9:07:34 AM
well what the heck!!!!

i am highly allergic to cigarette smoke, and cannot take too much cigar smoke, and that is one reason why i have not gone karaoking in a long time - most karaoke bars allow smoking and i have to leave early or if i stay there, deal with the rest of the night and part of the next day horribly nauseous and with a splitting headache. 

well i have found out that all this time, i have been losing money because of those allergies! 

i finally bit the bullet and did a cigar update on my southern-charms page, and OMG!  sales are jumping!  the update has only been on the web for two days, but my sales have DOUBLED in two days, than the whole rest of the month.

i knew this was a huge fetish for people but i had NO IDEA it was this huge!

guess i need to suck it up (literally) and do more cigar updates!

i don't think i will ever be able to do cigarette updates.  but i guess cigar is better than nothing.

my mailbox on southern-charms has been getting a great response with people from all over telling me tips.  how to draw in, how to exhale, what kinds to buy, where to buy them...i never knew it was this involved LOL!  but it is fun to learn all this.  and i really am grateful to get the advice from obvious fetishers on what they want to see.  invaluable information!

also have gotten some great advice on getting rid of those bad vibes....smudging (which i had seen done last week at a reiki class, but had no idea that it was to get rid of bad vibes), different stones and crystals, specific affirmations to be used during meditations, housecleansing rituals, specific aromatherapy scents, self-reiki techniques, and more.  what i have been able to do so far, has worked.  i felt much better yesterday and today feel quite good!

i am really fascinated by things native american and eastern, especially pertaining to mental, spiritual, emotional and physical healing.  as westerners, we are taught a biased way of health that i am not convinced is superior to ancient ways.  the lady for whom i am housesitting has books, books and more books of ancient ways of thinking and i have been reading them and absorbing what my limited western mind can absorb and i really do think there is something there.  i will be here housesitting again in february for three weeks, and look forward to reading a whole lot more.

yesterday don dom and i had a GREAT TIME at sir steffan's "bisexual males and the women who love them" party.  first we were giggling because there were more crossdressers at yesterday's party than there were at the previous week's crossdresser party, LOL!  but it went well.  i hope all the bi-males who showed up found what they were looking for.  there were some VERY VERY VERY HOT bi-males there!  there was a lot of testosterone flowing in the room and i was loving it.  when a very attractive dominatrix broke out the strap-on, things really got interesting in the main dungeon room.  i was watching avidly, trying to learn more techniques and curiously wondering if what i have been doing in private was being done "right." 

after her very sexy performance, i was asked to give an adorable sissy boy a spanking, so i put him/her on the spanking bench and proceeded to give him/her a very thorough sensual spanking.  it was very fulfilling for me.  he was so very appreciative and looked so sexy on that bench.  he moved and wiggled and flinched and moaned and gasped...i loved that feedback.  afterwards he gave me a nice big hug and i could feel the warmth coming from his nice red beautiful sissyboy ass.  it was wonderful!

i was also asked to help top two crossdressers who were both restrained on the double st. andrews cross.  that was entertaining, too, and since i did not bring in my toys, i got to use the fellow domme's toys which is always interesting - poking into a new bag, finding something of interest, pulling it out, and determining how and where and when to use toys, what fun!

it was so busy in the dungeon, that i had no time to sit in the hot tub!  awwww!  don dom got to go in twice!  one of sir steffan's loyal helpers was not able to make it yesterday so i was asked to fill in and boy oh boy, did that ever open my eyes and make me appreciate all the hard work people go through to put on an event!  it is WORK!  and lots of it!  but it really was fun too.

i was really tired when we left.  we went to taco bell, talked for a long time about all that happened, and then went back to the house where i am housesitting.  i had missed a bunch of business calls, so i returned all those calls, took the dog for a nice looooong walk, played with the bird, and then laid on the couch reading the fourth book of the Twilight saga...and within ten minutes i was out like a light.  i didn't even hear the phone ring and missed four phone calls, and probably lost a lot of business. 

so i lost a day's worth of work.

but all in all, i would do it again exactly the same way. :-)

i woke up at 8:00 this morning wondering what the heck happened to the rest of my day yesterday?

i am getting old. 

and i do not like it.

maybe i just need heavy duty vitamins.

or a lot of energy drinks!

one very interesting thing that happened, and that don dom and i talked about for a long time at taco bell, was when someone who i trust and admire very much asked me a bunch of personal questions, that i answered honestly and without hesitation.  i didn't know why at first these questions were being asked, until it was revealed to me that one of my wildest dreams and fantasies MAY, not definitely, but MAY be a reality!  and don dom was approached and it was all discussed with him and everything was approved.  i cannot go into detail yet, especially since things are so much up in the air, but i am on cloud nine with just the HOPE that this could actually happen!

i had given up on hopes and dreams and fantasies coming true ever since mr. marine broke my heart.  but i believe, thanks to a long history of observing and interacting with this person, that this person would never do that to i will wait and see what happens, and hopefully, it WILL happen.

and if not, it is still exciting just to THINK about the possibility of it happening!

and i appreciate the freedom don dom gives me to pursue my dreams!

life is good.

1/19/2009 8:56:09 AM
excuse me, but WTF is going on with our beautiful florida winter weather?

monday high 71 low 48

ok i can take that.

tuesday high 57 low 30

ummm well ok i can take that high, but that low is quite a bit tooooooo low!

wednesday high 54 low 24

now we are getting into MAJOR WTF MODE!, global warming, where are you????

thursday high 67 low 39

well, that's getting better, but OMG the low is practically FREEZING!

friday high 71, low 47

almost back to normal...come on, i know you can do it, weather!

i am soooooo grateful i am no longer in the little taj mahal (see journal entries from about a year ago) this week cuz i would have been literally freezing my ass off or be surrounded on all four sides by space heaters, electricity bill cost be damned!

i feel sorry for all the tourists and snowbirds who are down here to get away from this weather.  but at least it only lasts for a week, and then warms up the next week.

i just had a few business inquiries from potential clients who are coming down for superbowl (my advertising budget is paying itself off!).  surprisingly, several have not made their hotel arrangements yet.  are there any hotels not sold out for superbowl?  i would think that by now, a hotel room is slim pickin's.  many homes are being rented out that week for outrageous sums of money...personally, you could not pay me enough money to go within a twenty mile radius of the raymond james stadium february 1st!

but to all who are coming down for it, welcome, enjoy your stay, and come visit one of the many public dungeons in the area!  if you would like recommendations from a local who has been to or knows the host of most of the local play spaces, just send me an email!

there are also a few good websites that list all the superbowl parties at various hotels, restaurants, etc. 

it's gonna be nipply that weekend (well, "OUR" definition of nipply - highs in the 60s, lows in the 40s) but the sheer energy from so many people should be quite high!

1/18/2009 2:38:19 PM
i don't know what it is, but i am having a very strange day.  i actually had planned on working today, and by the looks of the all the phone calls my business line received, it would have been a very profitable day.  now i am kicking myself for being so damn touchy about things.

i am wondering about metaphysical things. you know how people are supposed to have auras and throw off good vibes or bad vibes? and psychic energy? well, i am wondering if some of the clients i am seeing are giving me some weird negative energy. i feel very weird and out of sorts and my mind keeps going back to a few strange clients. you know how you meet someone and you feel like something is very wrong but you just cannot pin down what it is, because you don't know them? well that is sorta how this feels.

so if anyone out there is knowledgeable in how to get rid of "bad energy," please let me know! please. i don't like feeling like this.

yesterday, i did very well with work, and around 5 pm called it quits for the day. don dom cooked a wonderful steak dinner (he does spoil me so!) and we played at bit at home, as we planned to go to sarasota society's play party at sir steffan's. it was very erotic and very sensual and very much fun and so the pumps were primed for play later in the night.

i never thought playing in public would be a big thing. many, many years ago i did my first public scene at club kink in fort lauderdale with a female dominant, with my boyfriend/master just a few feet away keeping watch. as nine inch nail's "closer" blared from the speakers ("i wanna fuck you like an animal...i wanna feel you from the inside...i wanna fuck you like an whole existance is get me closer to god..."), and as the singletail kissed my skin deeper and deeper causing beautiful welts, i felt such an energy in the place. energy from the dominatrix, energy from my master, energy from the people we came with, energy from complete strangers watching the various scenes on the stage and partaking in their own private little scenes at their tables...

it was addicting and i became a public play slut.

and then recently the pain of masochism was not being processed the same by my body and my brain as in the past, and i became very hesitant to play in public.

but yesterday we bit the bullet and i must say that don dom did a beautiful job making me feel at ease and watching my body's reactions and pacing the play to match my tolerance. i have marks today. wow....marks! i used to go home from a play party with marks that would last for welts, bruises that were huge and purple that would fade to green, brown, and yellow. today there are marks. not the industrial strength marks of the past, but marks nonetheless. i look at my ass in the mirror and think, "wow, i have marks!" they are very pretty! i like looking at them!

it is nice. i like marks. i like wearing marks. i like the memories they evoke later. and the feelings that go along with the memories.

but i still feel very strange today. i cannot put my finger on it. but it is like something is missing.

don dom and i have had several very indepth conversations about him, me, and our relationship together. and one problem i have is that i am unfocused and i do not know what i want to be when i grow up. i am enjoying success in my chosen work, but it is not what i want to do for the rest of my life. i do not know what i want to do.

i don't know where i want to live. there are so many choices...go back to the other side of the state and be nearer to family, go to north tampa and be near family, go to west tampa and be near family, or go somewhere completely different for a change of pace, such as southeast florida due to their very active bdsm scene. i don't know what i want to do but all i know is, it is getting close to the time to do SOMETHING different.

i feel like i am restless and unfocused and that this could either be a springboard for something new and something better, or it will be a time where i will just spin my wheels and become more and more frustrated and confused.

but i am grateful for one thing right now. and that is don dom. he helps me focus on my day-to-day requirements and responsibilities, and he really does spoil me rotten. it is not the sudden master/slave dimension i felt with mr. marine. and it is not the instant lust i felt for SNO. it is different, but it is good.

last night when i was affixed to the st. andrew's cross and he was using my toys on me, my body just started to respond to him...i ground my pelvis up against him when he came behind me. as he reached around to play with my nipples, my breasts just thrust themselves into his hands. when he came around to the other side of the cross to face me, i deep french kissed him in pure sensation. there definitely was a connection as we played and that connection transfers itself into everyday life. and i am starting to realize that i think i may be ready to start taking our relationship up one more notch to another level.

we live together, we work together, we play together. but in many ways, we still are separate. but maybe it is time for that to change.

but back to the play party: it was great seeing those i know and respect and admire, and i enjoyed meeting new people and i am always so glad when someone comes up to me and says, "hey, are you sammie from collarme? i read your blog!" and then i know that s/he knows many very intimate things about me, and i know absolutely NOTHING about them LOL! the internect is a miraculous thing - allowing complete strangers to connect in such personal ways.

this wednesday is sir steffan's "bisexual males and the women who love them" party. i will be there! drooling and getting wet between the legs! hope to see many others there! sir steffan said the RSVP list is in the 40s already. i do hope more show up. a room full of bisexual males....MAJOR turn on to me!

still on our list of "things to do" is VIPER, the woodshed, SMACK, the tampa munch, fetish circuit's new digs in ybor city, and more traveling to the southern portions of florida's bdsm community. one munch at a time!

and of course, my ultimate goal, is to go to 2009 camp crucible in the beautiful rolling hills of pennsylvania. it will cost about $600 for camp, not including travel. but i am already ahead of my savings goal to pay for it by the time registration opens up! barring emergency expenditures on, say, car repairs or something horrific like that, i am gonna go to camp!!!!!!

i am housesitting up in land o lakes in a fellow adult entertainer's home. she is a tantrika, meaning she practices and teaches tantra. her home is very sexually oriented and very erotic. the artwork filling the home is blatantly sexual in nature, but very tasteful. speaking of vibes, i do believe her home is FILLED with sexual vibes. this is my third time housesitting for her and it is very funny because don dom and i have amazing sex here!

this morning, he woke up still horny from the party last night, and i was sleeping on my stomach. he just got on top of me and started fucking me while i was still asleep. then he pulled out of my vagina and made me suck him off, tasting my own juices while he came all over in my mouth, on my face, on my breasts....then he kissed me all over and said, "go back to sleep, slut."

what a nice way to wake up! but i did go back to sleep....until noon! i wonder if i will ever have enough youthful energy again to go to more than one play party in one night, and then to breakfast as the new day dawns.

maybe not.

but that's ok....

i have marks!

1/13/2009 11:00:40 AM
it's a slow day for me workwise, which is actually kind of nice for a change!  i am watching a concert by U2 on palladia, a channel that is on FIOS tv. 

i don't know what it is about U2.  i love their music.  but so much of it is soooooo....haunting.  and it leaves me longing. 

some bands that i love, like def leppard and bon jovi and van halen and guns 'n roses are so satisfying!  i hear a song and i am just breathless afterwards with this immense feeling of, OMG --- that was GREAT!

but with U2, i always feel this sense of intense longing afterwards - so strong that my heart literally hurts!  i think it is because so much of their music involves real events and people and they cry out and sound the call for justice and peace. 

and in this world, there will never be total justice and complete peace.  there will always be struggle, strife, and a sense of incompleteness. 

you would think that if i were smart, i would turn off their music when it comes on so i won't get that feeling.  but i can't.  i love their music too much.  i love edge's complex guitar, i love bono's passion in his voice, i love the driving beat of the drums and the perfect accompany of the bass.  and i have said that when i pass from this world, i want "i still haven't found what i'm looking for" in any memorial service, because that song perfectly describes my struggle and doubt and basic attitude towards life.  and MILLIONS of other people must feel the same damn way, otherwise that song wouldn't be so popular!!

this is the first time since i have been off my happy pills (three months now) that i feel a depression coming on.  i don't know if it will be full blown.  i hope not.  cuz full blown usually means incapacitating. 

i am just hoping it is the nasty cold wet dreary grey weather we are having. 

by the way, i had a talk with my lawyer yesterday and we went over the statutes that could relate to golden showers.  as long as it is consensual, it is LEGAL.  (golden showers, if given while bound and if nonconsensual, are considered battery under the law.)  so, i have added golden showers to my dominatrix repertiore.  here ya go, fellow professional dominatrices!  free legal counsel for you, courtesy of me and my lawyer :-)

tomorrow is sir steffan's crossdresser party!  i cannot wait!  i really am looking forward to it :-)  last i heard (last night), he has a very good turn out RSVPed.  i hope every sissy dresses up in her best sissy dress and stockings and dress shoes and wig and makeup!  what fun!

life is.....ok, life is still good.

1/11/2009 5:20:33 PM
fox network


keifer southerland (drool) looking older but still damn fine.

first commercial break


tony is ALIVE????  and turned????

i am hooked for yet another season already!

1/11/2009 1:29:31 PM
don dom and i went to the lakeland munch last night and had a very nice time. those who we met were friendly and welcoming. i got to sit by john and starla, and met a few of her acquaintences and they were a real hoot...i liked them instantly. saw a few other friends, some i knew were going, and one showed up last minute and that was a surprise! (waving to S). ira and his girl were very hospitable. afterwards, sebastian had a party at his house, and don dom and i really liked the set up. garage is turned into a demo room/dungeon, there was a big enclosed patio running the whole back of the house, and a bathroom. no need to even go into the house. don dom and i would like to host our own parties some day, and we were checking it out, and realized we could do the same thing to his house. there was an inground pool there, which was nice. don dom has an above ground pool, not as nice LOL. anyway, after a time of socializing, sebastian gave a very informative and entertaining demo on rope, including information about different kinds of rope, good and bad, to use for bondage. he made a rope dress on a girl, and proceeded to tie her down spread eagle on a table using knots and wraps. i had seen this done before but never had a chance to HEAR it being explained while it was being done, so that was nice. (at bdsm camp, there were rope classes galore, but i was too busy being camp slut and didn't make it to any of the classes!) we wanted to stay and play but i was really tired, and started getting the chills, and we didn't want the flu to come back so we thought we better go home so i could get to bed. it was a good decision, because the chills got worse and by the time we got home, i was shaking like a leaf and was freezing. i went into the shower and took a long scalding hot shower and i was still cold and shaking. some time in the middle of the night the fever broke and i feel much better today. we wanted to go to vic and annie's sarasota society dinner tonight, but don dom's ex isn't playing nice, and is not being flexible on when we can pick up don dom's son, so we had to cancel our RSVP for the sarasota society.

i feel really old. i saw an acquaintence last night that i knew from sir steffan's. he said they were going to the lakeland munch, then to sebastian's party, and then back to tampa to the fetish circuit, edwin's kick ass party. once upon a time, i could do that too. but i think those days are over and i grieve over it. the last time i was able to go to two parties in one night was with SNO, and we went to sir steffan's and then to fetish circuit, and that was a long time ago. i really do not like this aging thing. and i wonder if it is just age, or is there something more? i am way overdue for a good thorough check-up and blood work but without insurance, i keep postponing it.

or it could just be that i have been working my ass off and i am just plain tired. i have a goal for myself of how much i want to make every day money-wise. this week, right after the flu, i made over my goal every day, and one day i made over double, and friday i made over triple. so maybe i am just tired because i am pushing myself too hard. i don't know. but whatever it is, I DON'T LIKE IT!

i talk to don dom every single day about bdsm camp memorial day weekend and how we gotta go and we can't miss it and he will love it and he will be hooked on it and he will want to go back every year just like i wanna go back every year and how i grieved over missing the last three years.....and he says we probably will be able to go as long as things keep going well like this. yay! but then i wonder, if we do go, will i be so exhausted that i am in bed by 10 pm every night?????? damn, the dungeons are just getting started at 10 pm! in 2005, i went to bed as the sun was coming up, and i never made it to one breakfast the whole time i was there. when i would hear the whole camp say after breakfast during announcement time , "GOOD MORNING, UNCLE FRAZIER!!!!" that was my wake-up alarm, and i would get up for the day. i have a funny feeling it won't be like that this time.

sir steffan has a good turn out RSVPed for his cross dressing party this wednesday from 10 am to 2 pm. i should be there, with my toys and my strap-on. i will be going as my Mistress Trysta persona.

the following week will be his "bi-males and the women who love them" party and i hope to go to that one too.

on the 17th, the sarasota society is having their party at sir steffan's and we are hoping on making that one too.

tonight is the season premiere of 24! yay! i missed last week's season premiere of nip/tuck, dammit!

really nothing more to add....i have been working hard and it is paying off and that consumes most of my time. don dom and i had great sex last week while we were housesitting in land o' lakes, because we were housesitting for a tantrika, and her house is very sexually oriented with lots and lots of sexual energy. she has a love swing, and we boinked on it several times, and once i had such a strong orgasm, i almost kicked her wall in!!!

since i was sick, and then we got so busy with work, i still haven't gotten my birthday spanking yet.  but since i am so concerned about losing my masochism, maybe that is not a bad thing!

life is good.

1/7/2009 10:49:57 PM
the photo shoots went very well and i have some new content i will be adding to my pay sites soon, both photos and videos. more photo shoots this week, hopefully, with the next one late late late thursday night. still have a nice long list of stuff i want to cover. more fetishes are on the agenda!

i need to sleep but i am having another insomnia night. it's weird, i haven't had insomnia nights for a long time, and now this is the second one this week. always bad timing too, cuz i never get them on the nights i can sleep in the next day!

i spoke to dukedom for the first time in A LONG time tonight. he is going to camp crucible again this year (bdsm camp) and i told him i am trying my very best to go this year (again) but this time, i hope to finally make it again. that is the plan. positive thinking time! i WILL go to camp! i WILL go to camp! i WILL go to camp! i hope don dom can go with me. he will fast become a recruit, i believe. heck, anyone would be!

i have a goal this month to add to my advertising budget and get on by the end of january. it is expensive - $95 per month for an ad! but heck, i am spending up to $140 a week now in the local alternative weekly newspaper. but it pays for itself many times over. i am told eros does too. we shall see.

don dom and i hope to go to the lakeland munch on saturday, and the sarasota society dinner on sunday. if you see us there, please come by and say hi and introduce yourself!

next week is sir steffan's cross-dresser party and i am planning on attending, if business allows. all you crossdressers - please sign up and go if you haven't already! i want to see all the sissy boys dressed up nicely! i absolutely adore a crossdresser in thigh highs or pantyhose, black preferably! fishnets are good too. i will be bringing my strap-on!

1/5/2009 9:20:27 PM
worked my ass off today and made more than double what i usually make. after paying some late fees on a few overdue items, i should be back on track soon. thank goodness. still have a bit of a runny nose and occasional cough but definitely doing much better killing off the flu bug invading my body.

in less than 10 hours, i should be doing photo and video shoots - peeing, golden showers, cigar smoking, foot fetish, and a few more for my southern-charms, and clips4sale sites. since i haven't done an actual photo shoot in about three months now, i am actually looking forward to the upcoming ones. i guess i needed a break. still HATE editing and uploading, though!!!

i logged in for the heck of it today on my niteflirt webcam/phonesex site too, and the phones were constantly ringing. i really need to get in the habit of logging in every once in a while. i need to learn how to multitask better instead of just focusing on one job at a time.

it's been a looooong day and i am one exhausted slut! off to bed for me.

don dom and i are trying to decide if we will go to the lakeland munch, and/or the sarasota society dinner this weekend. or, we might both be so exhausted we just stay home and chill.

hope everyone is having a wonderful, profitable and blessed new years so far!!!

life is tiring!

1/3/2009 2:53:02 PM
i think the worst part about getting old is not the fact that your own body breaks down and betrays you- i mean you expect that. but when you get a phone call out of the blue from a dear friend you have not heard from in a long time, and there is sobering news on the other end..... i don't know what it is, but lately a lot of my dear friends have been diagnosed with things and are dealing with their own mortality on a minute-by-minute basis.

benign prostatic hyperplasia
breast cancer
ovarian cancer
prostate cancer
chronic obstructive pulmonary disease
adult onset diabetes

i wish i could just wave a magic wand across my friends' bodies and heal them, and then we all go live happily ever after in a bdsm commune where there is no pain, no disease, no suffering.

it is so frustrating not being able to take the  pain and the fear and the uncertainty away from them.  knowing there is nothing you really can do to make it all go away.

and it is not going to get better. the older we get, the more of our friends will develop diseases - scary diseases, fatal diseases, and one by one, our loved ones will slip away from this life and we stay behind and feel the loss.

yeah, happy joyful thoughts right now.....NOT!

1/1/2009 9:04:33 AM
happy new year!

you asked for it, you got it. 

there are many crossdressers out there wishing they had a safe place to come play and strut their sissiness for all us appreciating females.

there are many bisexual males out there wishing they had a safe place to come play, and be admired by the women who get turned on watching them play.

well now, this month at lifestyle explorers, you have BOTH CHOICES. 

these parties are safe, discreet, and never, ever made to make you feel embarrassed.  you are encouraged and adored for embracing your bisexual self, or your sissy self, and it TURNS US ON!

please go to and answer the questions in the membership survey.  in a day or two, you will be allowed access and will receive invitations to the parties. 

these are NOT TO BE MISSED!  i absolutely love these themes and know by firsthand that a god time is always had by all!  there is no need to worry or be anxious - if need be, i will personally make you feel at ease.

now go and sign up!

start out the new year's right!

12/30/2008 11:57:18 AM
i am really bummed right now.  got slammed in the head with a wicked flu bug that has cost me about three days of work so far, and i just canceled my request to sir steffan's new year's eve party.  don dom and i were so much looking forward to getting out for a night, seeing old friends, meeting new ones, and playing all night long.  instead, i sit here coughing so hard it makes me throw up, nose running, eyes tearing, and a chest that feels like an elephant sat on it. 

life is NOT good right now.

but that pretty ring and pretty bracelet don dom gave me for christmas are still glistening so lovely in the sun, LOL.

well, fellow local kinksters, you have choices for your new years eve celebrations.  i know of two - sir steffan's, and cecil's woodshed in orlando.  either of those two will be a wonderful choice, i am sure of that. 

i am SURE there are more but i am so out of the loop lately, i wouldn't know of them :-(

don dom has said that business is going so well, that we need to start taking at least a day off every week and travel around the state and go to play parties and munches.  it is funny - he did just that with his ex for years, and so did i, and we probably attended many the same play party, but never met each other.  we both feel the need to get out and get involved again, at least on the state-wide level.  and i have been telling him so much about camp crucible that he is considering us going there this year.  i can only hope we really do go!!!

so the new year has a lot to look forward to.  (hmmm...that is incorrectly ending a sentence in a preposition, sorry.)

because of my real-time work of dominatrix sessions and other endeavors, i have really let my webcam, phonesex, clips4sale and southern-charms sites go to the pits.  but i am taking steps to work on at least the latter two sites.

there is a porn producer in tampa with whom i have been corresponding for a few years, but have never met yet.  turns out one of the "stunt cocks" for him was one of my clients!  so my client encouraged me to really make this happen, and it looks like the second or third week of january, i will be doing the closest i have yet ever done to professional porn.  as soon as i know more, i will post it.  my choices were interracial, solo, and girl/girl content.  i am  especially interested in IR and GG.  i am really excited about this. 

so, life sucks right now with the flu, but life WILL be good again!

12/25/2008 7:49:07 PM
merry christmas to everyone!

i am having a wonderful one!

thank you to all who remembered my birthday and wrote/called/PMed/emailed/texted to say happy birthday!  it sure has been a very happy one.

i was able to go all over the state and see all my family, and finally just got back home to have a nice little private celebration with don dom. 

i am still shocked and overwhelmed.  he gave me a beautiful tennis bracelet and also a white gold banded ring with two amethysts, diamonds, and a large blue/purple stone (i don't remember the name of it!) and he even got the size right!!!   i feel very, very loved and very, very special right now.

i was also very surprised when his family showered me with gifts - that was totally unexpected!  everything was thoughtfully picked out and i love every single thing they gave me.  that also really shocked me - i didn't realize they had accepted me, until i was sitting there all overwhelmed surrounded by mounds of birthday and christmas presents, and don dom's son said, "what's the matter, sammie?"  and i said, "i am just a bit tongue-tied right now!"  he said, "well, we just wanted you to know you are a part of our family now."  i almost started balling my eyes out right there in front of them.

don dom says it's not over yet... there is still over an hour to go! 

life is good!

12/10/2008 7:38:23 PM
Still going good without the antidepressants.  I had one day of deep depression but I really do think it was due to exhaustion more than anything else.  I took the day off (which is extremely rare) and just nurtured myself and watched ALOT of comedy on YouTube. 

Dondom and I are working well together and our business continues to grow. 

My dominatrix work is going very well.  I have a complete sissy room for crossdressers and I love working with them and watching them learn and grow and make them so happy by accepting them for who they are with no judgments.

I continue to be amazed by the devotion my regular dominatrix clients show me.  It is truly awe-inspiring and I am honored that they trust me with their very psyche.  It is also a huge responsibility that I do not take lightly. 

As my regulars come to me, I spend literally hours agonizing over what our next session will entail.  It is a careful balancing act to push them just far enough, without hurting their emotions, or their spirit.  My respect for tops has grown by leaps and bounds as i walk this tightrope.

I have one client who has gone further than anyone else thus far.  He is a challenge for me, as I search for more things to try with him.  It is a learning experience for both of us. 

My birthday is coming up in fifteen days.  I do not feel my age mentally or emotionally, but physically i feel much older.  now that i have taken myself off the cymbalta, i am in a lot more pain with my back.  cymbalta not only works for depression, but also for chronic pain.  many times when i am in wal-mart, i have to use the power cart because i am in too much pain to walk because of my lower back.  but for the most part, i consider doing pretty good for someone who is overweight, doesn't exercise her back, and steadfastly refuses to check into back surgery.

i had the most incredible experience over the past 24 hours.

i have a gentleman who comes to tampa regularly for work, and when he comes into town, we meet to play. 

the last time he was here, i noticed my pain tolerance was waaaaaay off. i could not take much from him. 

day by day, week by week, month by month, my pain tolerance is decreasing.  i cannot consider myself a masochist anymore. 

pain still turns me on.  but my pain level has drastically increased.  i warned him of this, yet he decided to play with me anyway. 

i was VERY disappointed in myself.  i could not take much of anything.  i cannot imagine how he derived any pleasure from it whatsoever, since he is a sadist.

i feel very strange about this.  like i have failed him, and myself.  i miss being a masochist.  i miss subspace.  i miss being pushed over the limit.  i miss the sexual high and the thrill of it all. 

and i wonder if i will ever be able to get that back.

then something amazing happened today.

on the other end of the spectrum, i am being mentored by a tantrika.  a tantrika is someone who practices the art of tantra.

tantra is the ancient, eastern way of looking at sex...not as something just physical, and not something mental...but something that encompasses the senses, and is even spiritual. 

basically, you can reach a comparable "high" or out of body experience or disconnected state through tantra, as you can from masochism. 

today i had my first opportunity to be involved with it, and i was blown away.  completely blown away.  it definitely was a spiritual experience and there definitely was a form of altered consciousness reminiscent to subspace.

i have another opportunity to partake on friday.  i cannot wait!

11/8/2008 12:32:59 PM
wow, time flies when you are having fun.

it has been quite a journey these past few months as i take little steps down the path of submission and power exchange.

don dom and i are doing fine although we did have a rough spot. there are a lot of things i am still not sure about. and because of hurts in the past, i keep a huge part of my head and my heart locked away so it cannot be touched again.

i know that the ultimate act of surrender will be to unlock those parts and give them freely.

but i am far from that point.

he knows that and has accepted it.

so in the meantime, we learn, we grow, we stumble, we keep plodding along.

i have been getting to sir steffan's dungeon more and more, and will continue to do so, so please drop me a note when you plan on going.

still have not made it over to master cecil's woodshed in orlando. edwin's fetish circuit has moved to new digs, and we would have went this weekend to check it out, but don dom is out of town. hope to make it next time.

business is doing great, i mean REALLY great, and i keep getting a bit closer to financial stability with each week that passes. some days we are working from the minute we get up until 3 in the morning, and are amazed at the generosity of pleased clients.

i was sick for about three weeks and couldn't work. during this time, i went off my happy pills somewhat intentionally. first it was accidental. but when i realized it, i thought about it and decided i want to experiment and see what life is like without happy pills.

right now, we are too BUSY to notice a difference. i did have a very severe mood swing into the negative field of bipolar, but it didn't seem to be any different than WITH pills. but i am over it. i am not sure if i am in a manic phase, or if we are just so busy working hard and that is what keeps me going, or what. i do hope i will not crash.

one thing for sure...while the happy pills did not make me completely anorgasmic, they sure did lengthen the time it took to achieve orgasm.

i can usually climax within five to ten minutes now, whereas before it took twenty minutes to a half hour. i admit i like the quick response. multiples are easier now too.

so i am hesitant, and carefully watching myself to see what life will be like without anti-depressants for awhile.

you can bet that if things get bad, i will hightail myself back to the shrink for refills, though.

life is good.

if you would like to see the beautiful website starla at designed for me, check out  didn't she do a super job?!?

9/16/2008 7:23:36 PM
going to sir steffan's bi-male and the females who love them party tomorrow at 10 a.m.  if you go, please come over and say hi to me and dareman!

9/15/2008 10:14:22 PM
i finally start moving tomorrow.  it will be done slowly, in stages.  the bedroom set goes tomorrow.

i met some wonderful people at this weekend's photo shoots in tavares.  more shoots are planned with each of them, at different times and places.  there just was not enough hours to get all the stuff done that we wanted to do.  but so far, i am very pleased with the stuff i have seen thus far in each shoot.  i have new content for my rude page, my southern-charms page, and my clips4sale page.  all in all,  i would say that each of us had chemistry together and everyone got along well without any drama - models and boyfriends/spouses.  in fact, one couple is coming to visit us this weekend to make use of both of dareman's locations for more photo shoots.

have you ever heard of cuntbusting?  i hadn't.  but i was educated on it, and apparently it is a big seller!  so this weekend, i will be doing some cuntbusting!  (among other things...)

life is BUSY but good!

9/11/2008 8:50:19 PM
business has been booming so much, that i have not had time to move!  i am still in tarpon springs, but we are talking earnestly of me moving in with dondom this coming tuesday.

not only is my dominatrix business, mistress trysta, taking off like gangbusters, but also my sissification business.  i have a steady influx of clients who want me to transform them outside from male to female.  and we do!

wigs, hats, make-up, sunglasses, jewelry, shoes, nylons, thigh highs, bras, panties, slips, girdles, dresses, skirts, blouses, shoes, foundation, eye shadow, eye liner, mascara, blush, lip liner, lipstick and nail polish!  a full session can take up to two hours.  and the gentlemen who come for these sessions are your average ordinary neighbor-next-door.  i find NOTHING wrong with it, and treat each client matter-of-factly with no judgment or stigma, and they are having a blast learning how to look, act and dress like a lady. 

my website is almost fully functional and i believe that will drive more business my way. i am looking forward to meeting many new clients and making them feel "complete."

this weekend i am joining four fellow southern-charms for photo shoots in tavares, florida.  if anyone lives near tavares and wants to take me out to lunch, i am a cheap date :-)))

monday will be more photo shoots at my home with my wonderful male slave for rude dot com and clips4sale.  the shoots will be completely new fetishes and footage niches for me.  i am very excited about it.

life is good!

9/5/2008 12:42:41 AM
i was very pleased to bring a male sub to the party with dondom and myself. my male sub was very attentive, very obedient and very masochistic!  sir steffan's crossover daytime party (swingers and bdsm people) went very well. this was the first time i actually took responsibility of another sub at a party. it was quite unusual and i am still processing it. it is WORK. it is constant. it is detail oriented. three things i am not good at, LOL!

but all in all, i was able to do a heavy scene with him, and had a few comments that let me know i am on the right track. one man who had never felt the kiss of the whip before asked that i take him into a private room and try it with him. he was not turned off, i would say, and hopefully i have turned another swinger into a future bdsm devotee. hee hee hee!!!

my sub had to leave earlier than dondom and me, so we retired to the hot tub and soaked for a good half hour, joined by others, sometimes alone. it was good. we talked more of............

ME MOVING IN WITH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yes, we are taking a big step here, folks.

this weekend, i will be moving in with dondom.

now, just to be sure we don't take too huge of a step at once, i am taking over the florida room, which will be my webcam/phonesex studio/bedroom. so yes, we will have separate bedrooms, for space, and for entertaining members of the opposite (or same) sex who wanna come over for....well.....SEX. hee hee!

i am looking forward to it! i think this is the best thing for both of us. he told me that i need structure. yes i do. he told me that i need self-discipline. yes i do. he told me that i need motivation. yes i do. he sees my flaws and wants to help me improve. he is not demanding that i change. he is willing to put his ass on the line and help me improve.

i know that this is going to be just as much work for him as it is for me, as i saw just in the few short hours i was "in charge" of my sub at the party. my mind tends to wander, i lose track of what i am doing, i am not the most graceful person around, and my attention to detail is almost nonexistent. and that was just a few hours. imagine 24.7! dondom has his work cut out for him.

speaking of work.....tomorrow, i have been invited to come to several meetings and check out a place with the possibility of working there full time. it is an adult establishment and it could be very lucrative for me. i am very excited. will post more when i can.

september 11th and 12th i will be in orlando on business.  then, on september 13th and 14th, i hope to be in tavares for photo shoots with other southern-charms.  if anyone in those areas would like to get together for lunch, please let me know!!

today was fantastic. dondom came over this morning and was in a very, VERY horny mood. on the menu was fingering, forced orgasms, fisting, vaginal and anal fucking, cropping, caning, paddling, flogging and forced cocksucking. i was in endorphin heaven all day today.

so those are the highlights of my week thus far. having a wonderful sub serve me, take my beating, and then being treated to my very own beating!

life is good.

9/2/2008 2:02:34 PM
going to sir steffan's tomorrow for his wednesday daytime crossover fetish/swingers party.  please come say HI!

email me for details if you don't know how to sign up.

8/29/2008 8:40:31 PM

i am happy. 

really happy!

business this week went GREAT! 

really great!

dondom and i are doing wonderful!

really wonderful!

my psychological status has been extremely stable.

really extremely stable!

my life is getting organized in so many.

really organized!

things are falling into place.

really falling into place!!!!!

this is nice.  i could get used to this. 

8/20/2008 8:00:29 PM
what a great day i had.  didn't make a dime but it was worth it!

went to sir steffan's for his long awaited "bisexual males and the females who love them" party.

i had new earrings to wear for the occasion:  starla gave me a pair of heavy metal penis earrings last week when dondom and i visited with her and john.  this was the perfect accessory to the bisexual party.  thanks, starla!

the only bad part was there were dozens and dozens of cancelations.  that is disappointing. but the group who did attend was a good group, and there were many familiar faces from the "old days" of regular wednesday daytime parties!  what a nice surprise!  it was a nice group of about 15 to 20 people.

so i partook in the bisexual male activity.  one of my favorite parts was when i was on a mattress and there were two guys with their cocks in my face.  i took both dicks and put them in my mouth and sucked them both at the same time.  i love doing that.  i think that is soooooo erotic....that the guys don't have any hangup about having their dick touch another guy's dick. 

it is also a HUGE turn on to me to look around the room and see men fondling each other, sucking each other, getting each other off....i am sorry for any homophobic people reading this, if this offends you or turns you of, but it is just so exciting and erotic to me!!!!  i loved it.

i also topped again publicly.  i topped a switch who used to top me at the wednesday daytime parties.  this was a true switch of roles.  he said i took him farther than he had ever gone before, and from the bruises on his back, i have to agree.  he was MARKED.  i also did a lot of CBT on him and loved doing it.  at the end, he was shaking and had to be helped up.  wow.  i was shocked.  i have never had that much power over someone before.  yeah, i have topped, but it has always been relatively mild and never to such a degree.  it was quite awe-inspiring - for someone to put that much trust in me.  it was humbling, actually.

after i got him a drink of water and rubbed him down and held him for a bit, he said, "that was the best scene i have ever had.  you should be a professional."  at which point i said, " a matter of fact.....I AM now!"  :-)  he said i should be successful at it cuz i am GOOD.  to which dareman (dondom) replied, "oooooh, don't say stuff like that, you will swell her head!"

seriously, it was quite an experience for me, i don't think i will ever forget it.  it was the closest i have ever come to being in "dom-zone" or "domspace."  i have experienced subspace many times, but never domspace.  it is almost get into the music....the beat....the rhythm....and if you know the song, your mind can go ahead a few seconds and you can visualize what you want to do with the person with what instrument.  and then you DO it and you do it juuuuuuuuuust right and hit juuuuuuuuuust the right body part and WOW!  what a feeling of elation when the bottom moves or twitches or moans!  very very kewl.

anyway, saturday is another party at sir steffan's and i do believe i would like to a switch.  i want to top publicly again.  i will NEVER tire of bottoming privately or publicly, but i can see how this topspace can be addicting!

if you go to sir steffan's this weekend and see me, please come over and say hi!

8/17/2008 6:43:25 PM
We are on a hurricane watch for Tropical Storm Fay.  We are not yet at hurricane warning level.  It won't be until Tuesday afternoon until we will know definitely which way, and how much risk, we will be for the storm.  Good luck everyone in its path!  Hang on and hold strong!

8/11/2008 9:26:32 PM
two things.

the first is a good thing.

many of you bisexual or bicurious males have asked me in the distant to not-so-distant past, "where is a safe, accepting place for people like me to play?"

and my answer was unequivocally, "Sir Steffan's."

he has not offered this type of play party for many months. but guess what? on august 20, from 10 am to 2 pm, he is offering another one.

this is your chance, bicurious and bisexual males. this is where accepting females like me come to watch (and if you invite us to) and participate with you in this very accepting, nonjudgmental atmosphere.

in all honesty, this is one of my favorite party themes at sir steffan's. for many many years, i was unaware and/or in denial of my bisexual tendencies. but when i finally decided to embrace it, there was no turning back.

in return, i absolutely love watching males participate in the same adventurous journey.

to those of you who are heterosexual (or possibly like me, unaware of your bisexual tendencies), you may be thinking, "oh, now that is just sick/gross/disgusting/unnatural/etc."

to which i reply, "BULLSHIT!"

one huge turnoff to me is homophobia. even when i was unaware or in denial of my own bisexuality, i was extremely gay/lesbian/transgender tolerant. because i always did feel that we do not choose our sexuality. we are all wired up a certain way from birth. yes, environment can enhance which way we go. to a very large degree. but when it all comes down to it, i believe it is hard-wired in us. just like us lifetime masochists were sexually excited at genital pain at a very young age. we couldn't help it. it just happened without any reason.

i don't mean to start an argument, but if anyone would like to discuss this with me in a mature fashion, i would love to do so. i love hearing other viewpoints. i may not agree, and you may not agree with me. but we can discuss it in a friendly way regardless.

so please, gentlemen, do not miss this opportunity to express yourself, or just come see what it is all about. i would love to hold your hand emotionally, physically or mentally as you take that step. you do not have to participate. you can just be a voyeur if you like. the only thing that is required is TOLERANCE.

if you would like more information, just email me.

topic number two.....

i don't even know where to start.

i have watched all of season one and almost all of season two of "big love." for those who do not know, "big love" is the HBO series on a family of mormons living in utah who practice "the principle," or polygamy.

i find this series fascinating.

there is the primary couple, who decided to go polygamous when the wife developed cancer and had to have a hysterectomy.  they mutually decided to have a second wife to continue the ability to bear children.  and last, a third wife was added.

there are the usual jealousy issues, and squabbles and bad moods and little white lies and some big lies.  these all cause a weakening of the family bond.

yet, there is tremendous commitment on each person's part to stick together and stay together no matter what. 

unfortunately, one issue was too much for the first wife to handle, and she left.  and the second wife said, "i need you to come home.  i cannot stay married to our husband and our wife if you are not there also."

i found that completely unselfish and fascinating.  the second wife was committed not just to remaining married to the husband, but also to the two wives!  i really had to think about that.  now THAT is commitment!

there are other "aha!" moments like that on this particular series for me, and i really enjoy getting more DVDs in my mailbox from my internet subscription service.  each episode really makes me stop and think and examine my own beliefs about polyamory.

i have had one and a half and an aborted attempt at polygamy.

the half try i refer to is the huge debacle that was my relationship with mr. marine, his subsequent duplicity of not revealing to his submissive in atlanta of our relationship, and he not telling me that he was lying to her.

if you go back in my blogs about two years ago, you will see that it devastated me and in many ways, i am still dealing with the fallout of that, and the hurt, and probably always will.

in "big love," the women have no sexual interaction at all. they all share the husband, the household chores, the rearing of the children, etc. but there is no bisexual activity among them.

i assumed that mr. marine, his sub, and i would try for a poly relationship in a triangle situation, where all three of us would share each other.

first, i was wrong to assume ANYTHING. and i was wrong to assume a triangle.

secondly, i do not think a triangle would have worked. i think if it would have had a chance to work, it would have had to be like a V, where we both shared mr. marine, but the less contact between her and me, the best.  i will not go into the reasons why here, because i can only say my point of view, and that would not be fair to the other 66.6% of the people involved.

so that was my half attempt at poly, and it was doomed in so many ways, largely because of my insecurity, my emotional immaturity, and my inability to deal with things logically instead of lashing out emotionally first. i also assumed so many things without getting verification first. and there were many things going on with mr. marine and his sub, too, that made me feel so out of control and i panicked. it was doomed and i admit i played a huge part in dooming it.  and my borderline personality disorder, major depression recurrent, and anxiety disorder took the situation and ran with it, and caused such failure on my part.  wow, was that a lesson learned for me.  mental health is very important in any relationship, but with TWO other people?  it is a necessity!

polyamory try number two was with b and c. it ended in disaster. in fact, b and c are no longer together.  i do not believe they split up because of our failure at polyamory.  it was due mostly to finances, and the inability they had to work things out between just the two of them.

in my heart of hearts, i feel b and c are soulmates, and they will end up together again. it may take 15 days, 15 months or 15 years. but i believe they are destined to be together someday. but it is highly doubtful any of us are mature enough to sustain a three way relationship.  i never felt like i was one of the wives in "big love," a 100% equal partner.  i always felt, and still feel, that i really did not belong.  i think perhaps b and c wanted to try it, because of our deep friendship, but we had no idea of the requirements and demands it would have on us.


in both tries, communication was a huge failure.

b was emotionally unable to open up. and during the rare times he did, he rarely did so with me. so i had to learn things secondhand, and things are never completely related 100% correctly or entirely when it is secondhand.

c, b confided to me, was jealous of me. c also got extremely frustrated at me because my memory is getting worse and worse, and she had to keep repeating daily life explanations to me. now in an ideal situation, this is bad enough. but add in financial chaos, relational chaos and many other stressors that i cannot and will not share here, it was doomed.

we all parted, all three of us going our separate ways, and in the process, i grieve. still. daily. i cry and i grieve. because i have lost possibly the two people who i considered my deepest and dearest friends and i still feel so alone when, in quiet moments, i think about them, and realize they are no longer just footsteps away. there will no longer be meals shared. there will no longer be visits into my taj majal for heart to heart talks in the middle of the night. there will no longer be bonfires with wine and beer and wine coolers and lighthearted "wars" between country music vs. rock blaring over the car speakers. there will no longer be camping trips where we shoot all day and snuggle all night together. it hurts. it hurts so deep inside. i will never forget. i cry as i type this.

but it was doomed.

it was doomed because COMMUNICATION failed.

there was discussion with SNO and me many times about going poly. he wanted to. i wanted to. but i did not actively pursue it. something was niggling in the back of my mind warning me not to pursue it. and now i know why. it was because SNO could not be trusted. he was not honest to me about many things, and if we were ever to enter into a polyamory relationship with others, i know i would never have been able to trust him to be completely honest.

but, i won't even count that in my attempts. i aborted that before it ever had a chance to happen.

gee, one thing i actually did right!

starla and i have debated polyamory many times. she does not believe it can happen. i believe it can. IF. and there are huge IFs.

IF all parties can communicate.

IF all parties can communicate MATURELY.

IF all parties can be 100% honest with each other.

IF all parties can accept each other, no matter what, unconditionally.

there are many, many more IFs. but those IFs are all huge, each in and of itself.

i do not feel lonely very often. i like being alone. in fact, often i LOVE being alone and NEED to be alone.

and, i am usually far to busy to feel loneliness. i have, southern-charms, niteflirt, clips4sale, and now my professional dominatrix work to keep me busy. each in itself is a full time job but i enjoy all of them and work them in. and there are other enterprises. i am starting a new one with dondom, in fact, that tom bosley does infomercials for, SMC Marketing. all these businesses keep me going many hours per day.

but tonight, i cannot concentrate on any of these enterprises.

tonight, i grieve over mr. marine and his submissive and me, not being able to have a successful poly V relationship. tonight, i grieve over b and c and me not being able to have a successful poly triangle relationship.

i don't know why.

i had a wonderful day with dareman, my dondom, an absolutely wonderful day that i feel too selfish to share with everyone on here. it ended with us sitting at hudson beach, at a quaint handmade ice cream shop sitting on a canal watching the sun set, discussing thanksgiving and christmas plans, he having a luscious coconut ice cream cone, while i indulged in a scrumptious peach ice cream cone, complete with huge gaping chunks of real peaches.

but, now, i am alone, as he dropped me off earlier tonight. he is with his son tonight. i do not begrudge him that. besides my ex-husband, i feel dondom is likely the greatest father in the world and i do not say that lightly. i mean it when i say i have never seen such a dedicated father as he is to his son. and that warms my heart to no end.

but now, i am alone.

and for the first time in many, many months, i have time to think. and grieve.

i am lonely.

and i wonder...

i this loneliness just a fleeting emotional fallout of forgetting to take my happy pills two days in a row, causing me to feel overly emotional and overly needy? this loneliness a sign that maybe, just maybe, we are stable enough in our relationship to consider poly?

there are always those warning bells, those signs, those lights that go off when you KNOW, you just KNOW deep down inside someone is lying to you. at that moment, you must make a choice.

do you ignore the signals and blindly trust the person and believe them? or do you listen to the signals, and investigate, and find out the truth?

because honesty is such an important factor in polyamory, i have been thinking a lot tonight about my relationship with dondom.

there are a few things i have nigglings about. but for the vast majority of things, i believe he has been honest with me.

and since honesty is so important, and since i have come to the conclusion i can trust dondom....

do i dare hope we can go poly? successfully?

do we dare take the chance that this happiness we have can get ruined by a poly experiment run awry?

or do we just continue to build on our own relationship?

tune in for further developments in the continuing saga of "as the stomach turns....."

8/9/2008 2:22:10 AM
i love my cats. i really do. they bring so much joy to my life. i am watching them now at my feet, all snuggled up together, in the most bone-defying positions, sleeping with smiles on their pusses, two of them lying on my feet, one with her head on top of sushi, sushi with his arm around another, and i think, "man, what a good life they have!"

but for the first time in my life in a long, long time, i can say the same thing about me.

i have a dom who treats me wonderfully, i have a roof over my head, complete with doors and windows and A/C, i have everything that i NEED, not everything i WANT, but everything i NEED, and i can stretch and cuddle and have a smile on my face too.

just like my kitties.

8/4/2008 12:56:11 AM
i have been given permission to quote something a friend wrote to me. 

"_____ and I have gone down many paths getting deeper and deeper into slave...who I am...he finally got me to "stick up for myself" meaning I TOLD him during a play session I couldn't take something...It was a big deal to me and he was very pleased about much came out of went very well..."

"My life has become easier the further and further I let loose with _____...the more I accept about myself.  Work is as busy and stressful as ever; however, I handle it so much better now...I am so on top of my life...feeling stronger and I am happy, very happy.  It's not that I don't get upset about anything or stressed or tired; however...I don't know...I have a different attitude and it is helping me out in every aspect of my life..."

I read this just smiling and nodding and think to myself, "Yeah! She's GOT IT!"  She has a great dom, she has a great learning environment, she has a safe place to grow, she has consistency and nurturing and a patient dom, and yet she has submission as the goal.

And when people ask how I am doing, I just want to quote her and say, "Yeah, what SHE said!"

7/29/2008 1:51:37 PM
two posts in one day!  yeah, amazing.  but i feel it is necessary.

my inbox has emails every day from gentlemen who want to play with me. 

i guess it is asking too much for such gentlemen to read my loooooooooooooong profile, AND to read my blog, and i truly understand that.  i tend to be long winded.

but truthfully, every single word in my profile is written for a reason.  i would rather have two quality emails from potential doms than hundreds of emails from incompatible doms.  so after years of being into bdsm (before i even know what it was or what it was called or that there was an acronym for it, or that there were THOUSANDS of other people who practice it) and after eleven years of being online and researching and reading and meeting and greeting and playing and being burned and hurt and dumped, i KNOW what i want and i KNOW what i can give.  and THAT is why every single word in that profile is written the way it is.  to weed out people with whom i am not compatible.  it saves you time.  it saves me time.  it saves us both grief.

but everyday, i still have a few emails from people who want to play. 

well, this is where i have to say, "you need to ask 'dareman' on here to play with me first.  he and i are in a relationship and are slowly moving towards his ownership of me."

make no mistake:  dondom is picky.  if you meet us at a party, he will probably let you play with me once he decides you are SSC or RACK or whatever you ascribe to.  but he will be watching.  intently.

if you want to play with me in my private dungeon, he will be here watching.  once you have proven you are safe, he may let you play with me alone, but it will ALWAYS be through him.

fellow sadistic pervs, my freelance days, as i knew them and loved them, are for the duration of my relationship with 'dareman' aka dondom, over.

yeah, there is still that cynicism and pessimism in me...notice i said "for the duration of our relationship."

dondom has met my shrink twice now.  my shrink likes him and thinks he is good for me.  i have to agree.  i feel very safe, very loved, very cared for, very protected. 

now, i loved my freelance days.  i love the freedom.  but i must is nice to feel safe, loved, cared for, and protected.  he is breaking down the walls to my heart, and is making me reconsider thought patterns and core beliefs of not being able to sustain a long term relationship.

of course, only time will tell.

but in the meantime, gentlemen, yes i can play.  but please be prepared to go through him first.

on another note, because i perform dominatrix AND submissive services on a professional level, i have been accused of being a whore, a prostitute, a wannabe, etc. 

first of all, THERE IS NO SEX INVOLVED IN MY PROFESSIONAL SESSIONS.  sex during a session is PROSTITUTION.  i will NOT jeopardize my freedom by having sex while conducting a professional session. 

but, however, i will prostitute myself and be a bdsm whore by offering professional dominatrix and submissive services.  you may consider that prostitution.  i do not.  i consider it providing a much needed service.

bdsm, as i have said hundreds of times on here, is cathartic.  it is therapeutic.  it is life changing.  it is more than beating someone as foreplay and then fucking their brains out, although that is fine and dandy too. 

to me, professional bdsm, professional submission and domination, is strictly business, and does not involve sex.  it involves the mind, the spirit, the will.  to a lesser extent, it involves the body in things like waxing, objectification, humilation, bondage, etc.  sex does NOT have to be the core.

in my personal life, yes, sex IS the core.  i am a slut.

in my professional life, bdsm is the way to achieve the goal of a whole person.  not a fractured, damaged, emotionally deprived person.  but a whole person. 

so if you want to say i am a bdsm prostitute, so be it.  that is your perogative.  but i respectfully disagree.

it does not really apply in the sexual connotation, but the spirit is the same when christian troy says in NIP/TUCK, "no pro bono when you bone a pro."

in other words, i will not jump at the chance to play (PLAY, not FUCK, but PLAY) with you for free anymore.  i no longer have that choice.  that is now up to dondom aka dareman.  and your best chance of that happening is going to a play party, introducing yourself to him, and asking if we can play.....BUT.....however, for a, that is a different story....  ;-)

7/28/2008 10:18:06 PM
i am sooooo tired!  but it was a great day today!  my friend BJ came over for photo shoots.  we did one really hot video where i performed foot worship on her.  contact me if you would like information on how to see it.  we also did photo shoots, and a live show on and actually made some money, whoo hoo!  dondom dommed us both together:  spanking, cropping, caning, and he made me perform bisexual activities on BJ.  oh my!!!  heh heh heh. 

the foot worship video came out so well, that dondom says this wednesday at 11 pm we are going to do it live on together.  i am really looking forward to that.  i do enjoy performing foot worship very much.

if anyone has never seen foot worship, or if you are curious and would like to see the show, contact me for details.

i never dreamed i would be into foot worship a few years ago.  but i really do love doing it.  if you have never thought that foot worship is erotic, i challenge you to come watch the show, and tell me if that was not one of the most sexy, erotic things you have ever seen.

and at the end, dondom is gonna foot me.  well, i don't know what else to call it.  when someone puts a fist in your pussy, it is called fisting.  when someone puts a foot in you....well.....

7/24/2008 5:22:31 PM
the live show went very well. we did fisting, caning, cropping, paddling, flogging and tit torture. we hope to do another one tomorrow night. email me for details if you would like to watch.  on the agenda is burning my nipples, burning my cunt hair, putting chopsticks on my nipples and binding the chopsticks tight with rubber bands, rope bondage and who knows what else is up his sleeve.

we hope to go to sir steffan's saturday night. If you plan on going too, please email me. would love to meet more friendly faces there :-)

7/21/2008 1:42:54 PM
dondom and i will be doing a live bdsm show tonight on cam at 11 pm.  email me for details on how to watch it.

7/19/2008 5:40:54 PM
it is saturday night and i am alone and chilling out in bed.  but that is ok! 

well, actually not just sitting here chilling.  also have the webcam and phonesex lines open.  but the economy is bad.  and the sex industry is feeling it too.  so instead of going out and playing at any number of lifestyle events this weekend, i am being a good girl and staying home and being available for the money spenders.

redecorating and remodeling has been frustrating as there is so much that needs to be done, but limited finances to do it.  but once it gets all completed, this place will look a thousand percent better.  just the kitchen, big bathroom, and laundry room to go.  redecorating was at a standstill this week as i had MAJOR plumbing issues but that is resolved now.  expensive, but resolved.

ain't home repair grand??

so fetishcon is coming in august.  i could get in free cuz i am a bona fide webmodel, so the admittance price is not an issue.  i just do not know if it is worth the time and effort.  so everyone who has attended, let me know your thoughts.  is it worth attending?  what did you like about it?

there is some peach ice cream in the freezer calling me, and i cannot ignore it anymore.

have a great weekend!

7/12/2008 12:11:08 PM
and our plans have changed again!  we are just going to chambers tonight.

7/11/2008 9:11:34 PM
well, dondom says that since we will be in lakeland tomorrow at the munch, we might as well go to the woodshed in orlando and see master cecil.  makes sense to me since we will be spending tons of money on gas. 

so if you are going to the woodshed tomorrow, please come by and say hi!

7/11/2008 2:56:09 PM
the dungeon is 98% finished and is functioning.  i am having sessions there as my alter ego, The Dominatrix from Hell.  well, actually, that is not the real name of my alter ego, but nevertheless, it is working out well.  i have three sets of coathook racks to hold my toys, but it is not enough.  i need at least one more.  but i need gags.  i have a nice wiffleball one that john and starla gave me, but the grey suede one they gave me grew legs and walked away.  so did my nipple clamps.  i think when i leave the room for a minute to get water, and i tell the male subbie to "stay right there and DO NOT MOVE", they disobey me.  gonna have to start using close circuit TV or something to spy on them and make sure they are obeying. 

i am hoping dondom will allow me to go to the lakeland munch, because john and starla are going and i wanna see them!

dondom and i are going to chambers for the joint phoenix club/fetish circuit party saturday night.  if you see me, please come over and say hi and introduce yourself.  i don't bite. 

next projects:  the big bathroom, and then the laundry room/kitchen.  i keep waffling back and forth between using a sand textured multicolor paint on the ugly kitchen formica, or making a big mosaic project out of it.  both have their pros and cons.  paint:  inexpensive, quick.  mosaic:  beauty, artistic, inexpensive.  paint:  may chip off easily.  mosaic:  very time consuming and labor intensive; difficulty finding interesting and colorful glass at near nothing prices. 

hey.....if anyone has any colored glass, tile, mirrors, etc., they want to get rid of, let me know!

6/29/2008 1:23:34 AM
had a cane and a paddle broken over my ass tonight. 

life is good.

6/28/2008 10:38:27 AM
well, this jaded 45-year-old who thought there was not much more new to experience, just had a new experience. 

sir dondom took his foot and inserted it into me....after fisting me.  his big toe hit the G-spot and i orgasmed all over his five toesies.  it was so weird, i have never experienced that sensation before...but i know it won't be the last.  i am hooked.  so what do we call this?  toeing?  footing?  hmmmm....i dunno, but i love it.

we are going to sir steffan's tonight and he is gonna let me get fucked by other people.  i am a lucky sammie.  i also have a desire to lick pussy.  it has been too long since i have had a good bisexual experience that has NOT been in front of the camera for a webshoot.

my flu or whatever it was is gone now but my back is still very sore.  working on the new taj mahal took a week off but yesterday i did the trim in the living room.  it looks very zen-like.  i need to get some bamboo plants to finish it off.  the colors are sage green, peach, a cream, and black trim all over.  the black really sets it off as i have a black floor lamp, black futon and black framed kanji artwork.  i never thought i would love this decorating scheme but i do.  it is very relaxing.  just gotta get the rest of the furniture in there and then it is DONE.

i have had to keep putting off painting the dungeon but i am determined to get it done this weekend.

have a great weekend!  and please come out to sir steffan's and fuck me, heh heh heh.

6/25/2008 12:07:41 PM
have much to share, but too exhausted to share most of it.  been down with the flu for the past five days.  yechhhh.  but dondom has been here every step of the way, bless his heart.  he's been great to me.

had dinner with a friend and his lady love right before the flu hit, and she is a beautiful woman inside and out.  i am so happy for them.

heard from SNO's ex-fiancee again this week a few times, she is still heartbroken.  i wish there was something i could do to help but all i can do is listen.  i do not understand how people can deliberately hurt other people. 

the kitties have a routine.  they miss their farm and the constant in/out of freedom.  but this place has windows.  and doors.  so i let them out every night when it gets dark and they prowl the neighborhood, feasting in their freedom.  i usually get a present in the morning when i let them in...a bird, a lizard, a frog, dead and attracting ants.  they are so giving and thoughtful!

have a big photo shoot this saturday at a mansion in brandon...huge house, pool, five bedrooms, three bathrooms, TWO guest houses, and a TWENTY-SIX car garage.  :-O  hope i am up for it. 

going to try to hit sir steffan's party too cuz the sarasota society is coming up for it.  dondom and i had to cancel an RSVP for a party last weekend cuz of being ill.  damn germs for getting in life's way.

and now i need to catch up on about a week of lost work and lost painting.  and i am still exhausted.

that is about all i have energy for sharing.  except one more little thing.  even though i have been sick, dondom is still playing with me.  and it just gets better and better.  have i mentioned i LOVE him fisting me?  and when i cum from it.....omg.....

have a wonderful week and a great weekend!

6/19/2008 6:58:24 AM
the dungeon should be painted and FINISHED today!!!!!

not that the subbies who come for a session care much about the decoration as they leave here weak kneed ;-)  it is weird to be on the power side of the flogger.  i was told by one client that i ask him if he is OK too much.  LOL.  i can't help it.  subbie at heart is me.

life is good :-)

6/13/2008 10:50:37 PM
life is good. 

i am definitely back in the pro domme circuit and doing very well.  i publicly thank john and starla at, for all the toys and equipment and furniture you have given me.  it is being put to GOOD USE!  my appointment book is getting busier and busier. 

make no mistake though, my heart is still that of a sub with slave tendencies.  this pro domme stuff is WORK.  mentally challenging work.  emotionally draining work.  physically taxing work.  but i am doing it and i must be doing something right because they are booking appointments like gangbusters.  but...i am still sub.  i am still feeling strong urges of slavehood.  and so i view this job as one of being able to pleasure, please and serve someone even though they think they are pleasuring, pleasing, and serving ME.

dondom and i are doing great.  it is amazing.  scary too.  scary because it is going so well with not a problem in sight.

thanks to him, my home is completely unpacked, clean, organized and two rooms are almost entirely redecorated, with a third room 50% done.

i say thanks to him, because he has been there every step of the way with me.  whether it be helping me unpack a box, or taking discarded items to the dumpster, or picking out paint and border at dom depot, or deciding where to begin...he has been there helping, guiding, suggesting.  without him, i would have been overwhelmed, and too confused as to know where to begin.

my bedroom only needs minor finishing touches, and is now what i call the "bdsm brothel."  it is very sensual looking and bdsm oriented, with purple, sage green and cream colors.

the small bathroom is lavendar, deep purple, and peach.  it is floral.  it turned out lovely.

the living room is a dark peach, and will have coral and sage green in it.  dondom is giving me his black recliner couch and recliner chair.  i will be getting black endtables and a black entertainment center to match it.  this should be completed by tomorrow night.

next is the dungeon.  it is all set up, but the decorating will begin sunday.  the theme has been voted upon by all you readers and it is unanimous!  dungeon design!  no subtle sensual dungeon!  i am going with a prior sir's design that i really liked - red walls, black border at chairback height.  i will be stenciling gold bdsm emblems at one foot intervals around the border.

the big bathroom will be a celestial decor.  stars, moon, sun all gold, and deep navy blue background. 

and finally.  the kitchen.  i keep going back and forth on the kitchen.  on the one hand, i would LOVE ceramic tile on the floor, countertops and table.  but on the other hand, i have been reading about a type of mosaic tile work where you go to garage sales, thrift stores, etc., and get old china, glass, mirrors, etc.  then you break the pieces into small mosaic sized glass, and use it as your mosaic material.  i have seen the results on the internet and some of it is breathtaking.  i would love to try that!

i really am having fun decorating this place.  it is hard to believe it is my home.  so i hesitate calling it my home.  "this place" sounds safer.  i am afraid to jinx it. 

i had a client here today and he said the painting on the walls look just like wallpaper.  then he said i ought to consider doing this professionally for hire.  i thought about that and decided i would not mind that one bit!  it truly is fun and therapeutic to me.  although at my old age, my bones are protesting with pain and creaking.

dondom has this wonderful habit.  about every other night or so, he wakes me out of a sound sleep at 4 am and plays with me.  hard, very hard.  very masterful, very powerful.  he does lots of hairpulling, spanking, biting, clawing, uses his belt on me, fists me, fucks me vaginally, anally, orally.  i just take it all and i get soooooo very very wet, because i LOVE being used and taken and hurt like that.  it can be embarrassing how wet i get, a HUGE wet spot on the sheets.  being woken up like that just adds to the turn-on for some reason. 

he is very good to me.  i cannot share all the details, some are too private.  but he spoils me and i am enjoying this time with him.

life is good.

6/5/2008 2:03:42 PM
well.  my hearing has gotten even worse.  the gas people were here.  knocked on the door.  left a card.  and departed. 

i was here the whole time, oblivious to the sound of their truck, their knock, everything.  so i am still without hot water and cooking until tomorrow.

it's actually not that bad though.  i am used to cold showers now and don't mind it as much as i thought i would.

i am not the only one with insomnia. 

dondom came over and spanked me for over a half hour straight last night.  it was heaven.  i was bleeding and i didn't even know it.  i was moaning and i didn't even know it.  but i saw the blood afterwards and just smiled, i was still flying high. 

and then i drifted off curled up next to him into a contented heavy sleep.

he had insomnia this time, and fixed a toilet, brought over a vanity to go over the toilet, and did other plumbing work here. all while i was passed out in bliss for ten hours!

we are going out for steak now.  my mouth is already watering.  later tonight, it will be drooling around his cock.

life is....overwhelming, disorganized, messy, but good.

6/4/2008 10:13:59 AM
it has been an insomnia night.  i have not slept since i went to bed monday night and woke up tuesday morning.  but that is ok.  i know i will catch up on sleep sooner or later.

i got most of the dungeon set up early this morning.  the bookcase is set up with some stuff, and the furniture is set up, and the floggers are hanging from wooden pegs.  i am still debating whether to make it dungeon-like, or make it a sensual room. 

i also decided a major thing.  i am going back to doing professional domination.  yup, this submissive with slave tendencies, this SAM, is gonna go back to domme work.  i spent a lot of time looking at other dominatrices' ads on here and i realized i miss it.  don't get me wrong.  topping, when you are not a top, is WORK.  hard work.  i know that.  but i do miss it.  and so, sometime soon, you will see a pro domme ad on here by me, if you so choose to look for it.  what do i call myself?  mistress sammie?  that doesn't quite sound right. 

ok, half price session for anyone who comes up with a good name for me :-)  hee hee hee.

and now i am finally getting tired, but i have a date soon!

dondom called me this morning and said he missed me.  i could honestly answer back that i missed him too.  he promised me he will fuck me thoroughly tonight, cuz he needs it and wants it just as much as i do.  when i hear stuff like that, i get a nice little rush of electricity right down to my pussy.

he fists me quite often and now it almost slides right in for him.  hardly any stretching or warm up is needed.  he knows my buttons.  i am hoping that when he sees the dungeon set up, he will want to play with me.  i could use a good beating too.  yes, this so-called professional dominatrix will never stop being the pain slut.

my stove, oven, dryer and hot water heater are all propane gas.  i had to save up several hundred dollars to get my propane service all set up, and they are due any minute.  i am putting off taking a shower as long as i can...cold showers are not fun but i am so thankful i have air conditioning now. 

mistress samantha?
goddess samantha?
lady samantha?
voluptuous vicious vixen?
sassy sadistic sammie?

help me please :-)

oops that is subbie talk.

you WILL help me think of a suitable name, now!  do NOT delay in replying with your appropriate response!

how's that?

6/3/2008 10:44:45 PM
moving. what a pain in the ass.

seems like i have moved all my life.

if you count all the times i have moved in my life, i have lived in 22 different houses. i am 45 years old. that is an average of moving every 2.0 years. crazy.

it also means that my life's possessions are whittled down to bare necessities only. i like that. less to worry about. less to clean, LOL.

i have three out of four cats. psycho has not been amenable to going into the cat carrier, even with the lure of sardines. i miss him. but my other three cats seem happy. they do not seem to miss being outside at all. they are content to nap in boxes and explore cupboards and use a big padded valance as a scratching post.

this is the second night i am alone. i have been spending my nights with...with do i describe him. is he my master? my sir? my boyfriend? i do not really know what to call him. i am unsure about a lot of things regarding our relationship. how to label our relationship? friends? fuck buddies? play partners? those all seem too simple, too superficial to describe it. we met on april 19th yet have been almost inseparable since then. and that has not been a bad thing.

i have started to evaluate "doms" according to whether or not they live up to their promises. do their words match their actions? with SNO, it did not happen. i was disappointed, repeatedly. with master marine, he lived up to his promises, except for just one...a huge one. so far, this one has tried his best to live up to his promises. i do not expect perfection from anyone. i expect disappointment, failure, and the like. no one is perfect. i sure am not. so who am i to expect perfection?

but i do expect someone to be a man of his word.

and if a certain person who i met last thursday night reads this blog entry, you know who you are. you claimed to be a man of your word, and you were, for a night. the next day, you were not. i do not understand what makes people do that, but who am i to judge? i have changed my mind on things, but i hope that i always have enough courage to own up to it.

courage. that seems to be a downfall for many.

as for my downfalls, motivation is one of them. i admit that i am overwhelmed right now with a two bedroom two bath home that needs to be thoroughly cleaned, unpacked, organized, and redecorated, and i am bewildered as to where to begin. i do not know what to call the man i have been spending the majority of my time with, so i will give him the nickname of dondom. dondom gave me direction today, and provided an example by fixing some things that needed to be fixed, and helping by taking away garbage, empty boxes, and two dressers that i needed thrown away. dondom is good at keeping me focused, which is a major problem of mine.

dominance and submission is such a dance. or it can be such a war, a struggle. but i feel that if the dom is truly a dominant man of honor, and if the sub is truly submissive of heart, the parts meld into each other just right. otherwise, it is just a power struggle, which we see so often.

i visited john and starla again of they liked dondom. starla shared with me that she did not have good vibes about SNO. i was very surprised to hear that. but both she and john like dondom. we laughed until my sides and cheeks were hurting at dinner. it was such fun to be with people of like minds.

my dad met dondom. he seemed to like him too. i took dondom to meet my mom. unfortunately, my mom is pretty much a shell now, cannot do anything for herself anymore and has no memory whatsoever. but she smiled. he also met my shrink. my shrink emphasized to dondom what a major responsibility he has with me (my shrink knows all about my bdsm lifestyle). dondom acknowledged that he knows and understands. my shrink said i looked bright and happy, and wished us the best. next he will meet my sister. i think we have a long way to go before a collar is in the picture. but so far, so good.

well, i want to get my dungeon set up before i call it a day. or call it a night. or whatever. it is late but i am wired. without caffeine. so much on my mind, yet so little i can do. it is frustrating to be powerless over certain things. but i think redecorating this home will be therapeutic for me. painting, creating, designing,'s a process that has almost instant gratification as you see a room change with just a can of paint, stencils, and creativity.

life is....yes, life is many things, but right now, it seems to be good :-)

5/30/2008 2:40:06 AM
two trips in a gentleman's pickup truck last night and probably two more to go.  my bedroom set is now in my new home.

my new home.

i still can't believe it.

my new home.

believe it or not, even without heat or A/C or a real door or real windows, i am gonna miss the taj mahal.  i really do love to camp and living there was like camping.  with pigs, roosters, chickens, ducks, geese....yes i will even miss the roosters crowing all night long and during phonesex calls. 

even though poly did not work out there, would i have done it again?  yes.  i will always be the type of person who will do it just to find out "what if."

today will be spent moving boxes during the day and two more loads of furniture tonight.  i am tired but so wound up that i cannot sleep.  i have a handsome man sleeping next to me, but i do not want to wake him up and fuck his brains out, cuz he and i cleaned out a storage shed today in 96 degree heat index and he is exhausted.  so i guess i will just have to fuck the gentleman who is moving me again tonight.  oh darn!!!!  heh heh. 

it's good to be a slut.

i have so many ideas about decorating "my new home" and things i want to do and things that NEED to be done. 

my bondage furniture is already there and fits with plenty of room to spare.  priorities, priorities!

to my friends - be expecting a dinner invitation in "my new home" to soon as i can afford to buy more than michaelina's 99 cent frozen dinners!

tonight i bring over my kitties.  i have missed them SOOO much!  i hope they adapt well.  i do worry they will miss the farm.  they got along well with the piggies and the duckies and the roosters and the chickens.  NOBODY got along with the huge goose who thought she was the queen of the yard.  now that is one creature i WILL NOT miss!

5/29/2008 3:15:42 PM
first trip in fifteen minutes!  i gave out my number to all who offered...please give me a call if you are free to help now.  thank you!!!

5/28/2008 11:33:12 AM
i just received word that i was approved at the place i have been hoping to move into.  this will be perfect for 24/7 voyeur cam, plus my phonesex and webcam enterprises, plus my video and photo shoots, as it has two bedrooms and a modest living room.  i only have a few days to move things as i need to be out of the taj mahal by may 31st.  boxes can be moved in my car, but my furniture really needs a pickup truck to move it all.  one or two trips tops.  if anyone could spare a few hours and help, that would be wonderful, and i would show my appreciation, heh heh heh.

5/16/2008 3:42:22 PM
it's official. i have been notified that i have until may 31st to move out. i am all ready to go...just need to firm up the details as to WHERE i will go.

once again, single woman...need muscle...need trucks...

the good news is, as i mentioned, i am pretty much all packed. as far as furniture, there is only a bedroom set to move. the rest is banana boxes full of my household goods, clothes, etc.

if anyone would like to volunteer a few hours, a truck and some muscle, i could sure use the help!

of course, i will be glad to show my appreciation in wicked ways!


5/15/2008 7:15:43 AM
i have met someone. and he may be The One.

and that is all i am going to say for now :-)

no, i am not collared.

yes, i can still play with others.

no, i am still working almost around the clock and it is still difficult to get away to play.

5/7/2008 2:27:13 PM
after literally years of emails and phone calls and close calls, i finally met a gentleman on here for lunch today, and it was worth the wait.  i had a wonderful time FINALLY meeting him.  the only bad thing is, there was no time to play or fuck.  and i desperately need play and fucking!

it looks like mid-june is the new travel window for me to visit the new england area.  i can't wait!

and if all goes well, i may be going to NYC at the end of june.  that is a huge desire of mine - NYC.  i will not leave NYC until i have fucked in central park!

5/4/2008 10:39:22 PM
so this is gonna be a difficult entry.  on the one hand, CM doesn't allow any negative blogs against someone.  yet on the other hand, something needs to be said.

i was involved with someone from this site last year, and he turned out to be a man of dishonesty, dishonor, and cowardice. 

this weekend, his latest relationship blew up, for the same exact reasons - dishonesty, dishonor, and cowardice.

i have spent hours this weekend on the phone with his now ex-fiancee, listening to her recount an almost exact replica of our relationship. 

the worst part for me is that he lied to me and said that they had broken up and he had given her ninety days to move out, and they were non-monogamous anyway, so i played with  him last month, thinking it was all on the up and up.  however, i find out this weekend from her that this was all done behind her back, without her knowledge or approval  - and not only did he never tell her it was over or that she had 90 days to move out, but  he was still telling her he loved her, and they were still engaged.

it has been a rough weekend for me as i try to analyze my own part in this.  i certainly am not proud of this, but i did not know the truth.

but i have come to this conclusion.  the fact of the matter is, i should have known better. 

but that doesn't excuse what happened.

i have a very good friend who does photo shoots with me and also does phonesex and webcam and rude.  she has also been lied to and burned so many times by men that she has determined to live the rest of her life alone and she really has no use for men.

sometimes i wonder if i will end up the same.  and if i did, i am not so sure that it wouldn't be a bad thing.

5/1/2008 9:46:12 AM
if there was a way i could go back in time and make april go away, i would. it has been a horrible month.

i had one of the worst meltdowns yet. not THE worst, but one of the worst.

several relationships have changed, and i do not think they will ever be repaired.

my housing situation is still in jeopardy, although it COULD have been worse.

the good news is that the few friends i have chosen to keep, i feel bad because i am always taking, taking, taking. taking their time, taking their computer help, taking their photography services, and i have nothing to give back right now. i don't like to be that way. but they have been there for me.

i now have eleven good clips on sale at clips4sale, the tye of stuff that is forbidden at southern-charms, and it feels good to have an outlet for the stuff i really like to do. and this is only because of a gentleman on here who befriended me and came through for me.

i have trusted people i can talk to without having to put on a mask and pretend to be someone i am not. i have people who accept me for who i am, regardless of my emotional meltdowns and mental instability.

i do feel bad because there are so many people on here who say that even though they are not local, they would like to be friends but i have to say no, because i feel like it just would not be fair to start a friendship with someone when i have nothing to give back but drama and distress and instability.

but enough of all that.

i made my first two sales on clips4sale last night. my southern-charms website did VERY well this month, and it is because of the friend i made on here who has been making great suggestions about fetishes and has photographed them for me. now that i have clips4sale to showcase the bdsm that i love, i don't mind doing "vanilla" fetishes on southern-charms, like balloons, bubbles, feet, tickling, pantyhose, etc.  as far as phonesex/webcam, niteflirt is steadily picking up as people get their tax returns and their economic stimulus checks, and i hope the recession doesn't make sales go down again. and i am now making money on which is a voyeur cam site, but i also take viewers in for private shows, where they are charged per minute for me to do dirty, nasty, sexually deviant things. (i love my job!) that's right, folks, you can now view me on voyeur cam. i am often naked, or in lingerie, and you can even watch when i get a webcam or phonesex call. but mostly it is pretty boring as i watch tv and surf the net, or crochet, or read, or edit my movies and photos for uploading to the pay sites, or do whatever. but there is a big voyeur fetish of people who LOVE to pay to watch that type of thing. i am not complaining!

there are a few things in the works as far as more video work with other people, as well as a place to live. but honestly, i have been burned so many times and lied to so many times, i am not taking anything as a sure thing. if it happens, it happens.

my shrink was worried about me. he now has me on another medication, abilify. he chose this because abilify is used to supplement major depression medications, and it is also used to treat bipolar, and he felt it would be a good treatment. i am scared because one of the side effects can be tardive dyskinesia. a dear friend of mine has bipolar and his medication caused him to get tardive dyskinesia, and for the rest of his life, he will have hand tremors. almost every hour i stick out my hand and watch and see if it trembles.

i really think that one of my major problems is that i do not have a regular dom in my life anymore, and i do not get the serotonin and dopamine chemical changes that happens when i have a good hard session. i truly need a dom who just wants a fuckbuddy or a regular play partner with no strings attached, with a place for us to play until i get my own place set up again.

anybody interested?

and life goes on....

4/17/2008 6:17:54 PM
what a crazy few weeks it has been. a lot of bad, but some good.

the good news is, i finally got three clips up on clips4sale. just go on there and search for sammie and you will see my store. it is frustrating though, because it is very time consuming and for some reason, my computer makes me jump through hoops when running windows movie maker that takes hours of time that a friend's computer doesn't require and i don't know why. so while i have literally hours and hours and hours of content, it takes hours and hours and hours to get it ready to go live for sale. but a very good, kind person on here is helping me little by little and because of his help, i was able to get the initial three clips up for sale.

another piece of good news is that a legal battle i have been fighting over a year has been dismissed by the state's attorney. this is a huge relief. it also means my finances should get better now, although i have over a year's time to make up for, and a ton of debt i incurred in the meantime.

the housing situation is another story. but i am hanging in there, day by day, hour by hour, although there are many times it is overwhelming and i just break. it's not pretty when i break.

and finally...

i met a man who could have been master right except for two teeny tiny eentsy weentsy little problems.....

he lives in maryland, and he is married.  so that would be breaking my two cardinal rules:  no married men who go behind their spouse's knowledge, and no long distance.

see?  see why i don't meet people from out of town or who are involved with someone who doesn't know?  why open myself up to this regret?

life goes on....

4/4/2008 10:05:18 AM
and just when you think things can't get worse, they can.

would anyone like a kinky roommate?

she cannot pay much.

she stays in her room all the time showing herself on cam to paying customers.  weird sexual sounds may come from her room at times after her phone rings.

she comes home with bruises and other markings. 

she is gone alot visiting family, and doing mysterious "photo shoots" for some website she has.

she's a strange roommate.

but, she buys her own food.

she's a pretty quiet person to live with and keeps to herself.

and she has either four days, or two weeks, to find a place to live.

that person would be me.

and no, i am not joking.

i won't be online much.  i have four days to get all my stuff packed and be ready to move.  but i will answer email when have time.

life sure gets interesting sometimes.

4/1/2008 11:00:24 PM
i am so frustrated right now.  i have a big stack of CDs full of bdsm clips of me and play partners to put up for sale on half a dozen sites.  but one computer is full of viruses and i cannot get software to run smoothly because of that, and the laptop does not have enough ram to support the editing programs.

i have all this footage...and no way to get it to work for me. 

if anyone is local and wants to work out some type of trade for helping me with my computers, please contact me asap. thank you.  this is really taking a toll on me! 

i think shoving a stick of memory into the laptop is gonna be the easy job.  the tower computer, however, is another story.  i do not remember the names of the biggest viruses, but they are the kind that are almost impossible to remove.  i really need a professional's help.

these two computers are also causing me to have to wait to go "live" on several more webcam sites, for the same reasons.  every day is another day of desperately needed lost income. 


3/29/2008 5:06:13 PM
it is weird but one of the most pleasurable moments of life for me right now is sitting outside at sunset every evening i am home, watching the sky and clouds turn colors, feeding the kitties their nightly allotment of wet cat food, watching them share with each other although they came from four different litters, smack their lips, groom themselves, groom each other, eyes getting sleepier and sleepier, flop onto their backs, exposing their belly (which is my cue to give them their bellyrub), and purring loud enough to wake the dead, in contentment.

simple pleasures.

that's about all i can afford nowadays, LOL!  one dollar per day allotted towards wet cat food is an extravagance for me financially, but worth every single penny watching them be so happy from it.

thanks to one of my stops on the way into town last night, my clit is no longer swollen and demanding immediate attention.   ahhhhhhh i can cross my legs, walk, and no longer be in agony.  now there's an idea for a business.  drive-through orgasms.  quicky cums, LTD.  quicky climax, inc.

i met a dom for the first time yesterday who loves the mindfuck (another one of the stops on my way home).  as a sensation junky, i am not as experienced in the mindfuck session.  i must confess i am actually apprehensive about playing with him.  maybe that is just the thing this jaded masochist needs, though.

another errand was picking the belongings of a girl in canada from her ex-dom's parent's house so i can send them home to her.  the ex-dom's father talked to me for almost three hours yesterday, giving me his firsthand experience of hurricane katrina, sixty miles from new orleans.  i was riveted.  i had heard firsthand experiences, but none so detailed and none so life-and-death.  he showed me photos of the aftermath. 

he told me they went back to visit during mardi gras, and their town is STILL devastated.  there is little, if any, new construction or rebuilding.  the town is dead.  there is no money, no materials, no people, to rebuild.

i feel blessed again that tonight i have a roof over my head, and that i always have had one.

the only regret is that i did not stop by and see john and starla.  i woke up wednesday morning, and for some reason (perimenopause?  bipolar?  stress?) couldn't go back to sleep.  i had  been awake all those hours, and knew that if i stopped at john and starla's, i would be so relaxed from their coral tank, their relaxed atmosphere, and quiet home, that i would crash there, and i knew when i finally crashed, i would CRASH.  and i did.  i slept for fourteen hours straight and woke up today at 3 p.m.

logged in on the webcam/phonesex line, for some reason the only calls i have been getting lately are feminization fantasies, especially forced feminization.  this whole genre is fascinating to me.  each person has their own reasons and their own history and their own pace.  i consider them extremely brave.  and i encourage them, and if they are local, always give them the link to sir steffan's lifestyle explorers website, as anyone from cross dressers all the way to cross gendered, are welcome. 

i was listening to one of my favorite scening music groups on youtube, rammstein, a german industrial/techno/hard metal band.  they have done some vey strange and thought provoking videos.  one in particular explores male homosexuality, although none of the members profess to be gay, and most, in fact, are married to women and have children.

the comments on the video from viewers disturbed me.  people are STILL so homophobic.  people STILL cannot accept another person's decision to live an alternative lifestyle.  this is such a huge turn-off for me.  in fact, i would have to say homophobia, or intolerance of different people's expression of their sexuality, is a deal breaker for me.

granted, pedophilia and pederasty will never be acceptable to me.  the problem for me is INFORMED, CONSENSUAL CHOICE.  i do not believe children can make such a choice.

another deal breaker for me would have to be racism.  human is human.  period. 

this post didn't start as a rant, don't know why my thoughts turned in that direction.


/end rant

have a wonderful weekend!!!

3/28/2008 7:46:34 PM



3/27/2008 3:02:15 PM
holy freakin moly.  have a few free minutes to pull out and fire up the ole laptop and arrrggghhh!  lots of mail!

yes i am fine!  just no time or privacy to go online, which is not necessarily a bad thing  :-)

i am on the other side of the state enjoying balmy ocean breezes, beautiful sunsets, manatees, dolphins and family. 

will return home tomorrow sometime after many stops on the way.  not traveling to boston, after all, unfortunately, but perhaps next month instead.

life is good.

but i am very, very VERY horny.  seriously, my clit actually hurts because it is so swollen and is driving my crazy because it is so sensitive.  i don't have blueballs but i do have redclit.  i feel for ya guys.

3/17/2008 3:14:10 PM
what a great weekend. 

a number of years ago, i met a tampa mandingo member who actually lived in the melbourne area.  i lived in the melbourne area too at that time.  i was hot for mandingos.  come to think of it, i still am.  but i digress.

we met for lunch and went right next door to a hotel.  the sex was GREAT.  but alas, he was vanilla so i wasn't sure if we would be compatible.  but when someone asks me, "so, what are you into?"  i answer honestly.  spanking, flogging, cropping, caning, paddling, rough sex, etc.  instead of running away screaming, this one was intrigued. 

the second time we met, he brought a fellow mandingo and we had a threesome.  the sex was once again FANTASTIC.  but alas, he was vanilla.  but....he was still intrigued with the whole flogging, spanking, cropping, caning, paddling, rough sex, etc. stuff.  so i brought along some toys, and he tied me up and played with the toys on me, and he LIKED it.  in fact, he got a massive raging hard-on.  and we fucked like bunnies.  i was a happy sadoslut. 

we have talked during all these years and he was most definitely interested in "the dark side," as we nicknamed it.  he asked questions, he listened, he read, he watched, he learned. 

he went from being a computer drone in melbourne to VP of an entertainment company in NYC. 

we kept in touch. 

and he watched, he asked questions, he read, he learned.  he went to the parties up there.  he learned more.

he moved down to atlanta as that is where the job took him, and he kept in touch. 

he watched more, learned more, read more.  very quietly.  as we messaged, i knew he was growing. 

then he sent photos of a play session he had with a sub. 

that convinced me this man was embracing his dark side.  fully.  he was now proficient in bondage, caning, gags, and his ropework was beautiful. 

we had many attempts at getting together again, all aborted, mostly because of my work or travel or family commitments. 

but late last week, we finally met.  and consummated what was begun all those years before.

we played.  oh did we play.  we fucked.  oh did we fuck.  after over two hours of a most anticipated and rewarding session, i fell asleep in the bed still flying high from the endorphins.  my only regret is that we could not play in the morning.  both of us had to travel.

i attended a family picnic, had a wonderful time, yet found myself strangely ill at ease in a family vanilla setting.  it made me realize how fully immersed my life is in the bdsm and sexual realm.  my work is 100% sex industry oriented.  my recreation is usually 100% sex and bdsm-oriented. 

i found myself at the family get-together having to keep my lips firmly closed in case something slipped out that would offend.

then i started the long drive to a private party in fort lauderdale that a dominant on this site invited me to.  i took the time to think about whether or not my complete immersion in bdsm and sex was a good thing or not.  was i limiting myself too much?  was i possibly missing out on experiences and people by limiting myself?

i came to the conclusion that this is me.  it is who i am and i am not going to pretend that it is not me.  for the sake of family, i will not do anything to offend, but i will remain immersed in this lifestyle.  it is home, it is family to me. 

i finally made it into ft. lauderdale.  i arrived at my host's home and he was kind, gracious, affectionate, handsome, and accomodating.  after a shower to wash off the activities of the picnic, and shedding vanilla soccer mom garb, i outfitted myself in my clothing of preference - leather, thigh highs, garters, chains, metal studs.

we went to the party where i met a very nice, small, underground group of people.  my host and i played.  oh did we play.  i probably spent an hour on the cross, and another hour on the spanking bench.  at one point there were two different people singletailing me simultaneously while my host was massaging my upper back and shoulders.

THIS WAS HEAVEN to me!  if you put me on a spanking bench and flog me, i will stay there all night long.  not only was i flogged, but i was being massaged AND singletailed.  does it get any better???

i often say that the florida bdsm community is incestuous and indeed it is.  no matter where i go, or what venue it is, there will be someone with whom i have crossed paths in the past.

a known vendor was there (in fact, i have purchased a few of his items through the years!), playing with his usual grace and flair.  a woman i had known from many, many years ago on's IRC florida bdsm channel was there.  she did not recognize me until i told her my old screen name name.  i don't blame her for not recognizing me, i wore a size 12 when i knew her, now i wear a 20/22.  i weighed 150 lb back then.  now i am 230.  but once she heard my old nickname, she remembered.  we chatted about people who disappeared off the radar.  i often wondered where did they go?  now i know the answer to a few of them.  she herself is getting married.  lucky lady. 

we were late to arrive, due to my lateness in getting into town, and we were one of the last to leave.

back at my host's house, we had a very enjoyable time of private play, after he very graciously let me sleep a bit.  i was wiped from play with The Entertainer, then the family picnic, then the five hour drive, then the party, and then the scening, so i crashed hard.  but morning sex is a very good thing!!!! 

he then treated me to the movie 10,000 BC (great movie, btw) at the egyptian muvico.  i am so out of things - i don't get out much to do too much vanilla stuff, and when i do, it is usually very inexpensive due to my restrictive budget - but i was astounded at the prices, astounded that there were no free refills on popcorn, yet astounded at the magnificence of the movie theater.  and grateful for my $19.99 blockbuster online movie membership LOL.  but the full screen and the sound system sure rocked. 

after the movie, we returned to his place.  i reluctantly packed my things, gave him a kiss goodbye (he is an excellent kisser, btw) and began the long drive home.  i wished i didn't have to leave.  he had offered to take me shopping at south beach or perhaps do a nude photo shoot for me at the nekkid beach, but i was just too tired.  i would have loved to stay longer because i really enjoyed his company.  but i needed to get home, and i was too pooped to party anymore.  in fact, i had to pull over twice on the way home to take a nap, and when i finally got home, i slept for eleven hours straight.

the everglades are beautiful to drive through.  some time i would like to stay down there, camp a bit, and go boating through the winding waterways.  and take LOTS of photographs.

today i am webwhoring as usual, too tired to do much else. i have movies and photos to edit and get online for sale, but have no ooommmfffpphh.

this getting older thing really sucks.  where is all that energy i used to have???

but it was a wonderful weekend. 

J, thank you for the invitation, for putting me up for the weekend (as well as putting up WITH me!), for showing me a great time, for playing with me and being such a great top, for using the twins on me repeatedly as well as all your other delights, and being such a great host.

and G, keep on learning.  and watching.  and reading.  and practicing.  and playing.  and i am looking forward to our next encounter...but it better be sooner than four years!  you are indeed a most wonderful addition to "the dark side." 

if any of the people i met at the party happen to read this, thank you for welcoming me so sincerely, thank you for your gracious hospitality, and keep the faith down there in trouble-filled southeast florida.

3/12/2008 10:29:57 PM
monday night i had the highest paying twelve hours of webcam ever.  the phone was constantly ringing.  it was great!  i was so excited to watch that cha-ching keep going into my account.

i had a 36 hour period of insomnia.  this insomnia stuff is getting really bothersome.

so today at the shrink, i tell him so.  he said i had never told him it was this bad.  then he started asking a bunch of other questions.  he finally agreed with my sister that i may have a type of bipolar disorder that has a more depressive component to it.  he started talking lithium, but i said let's hold off on that.  i see too many people on lithium turn into zombies.  my sister swears by topamax.  my shrink and i both agreed to think about all this and decide what to do when i come back in a month.

he was very alarmed because i have gained 16 pounds in three months for no apparent reason, and my blood pressure, for the first time in my life, is not low, but shot up very high.

so i have an appointment with a free clinic for a physical.

i am uninsured.  this will be my first physical in years.  i am curious to see what comes of this.

today i had a photo shoot with a gal pal at mr. new york state of mind's house.  then we went to her house to finish.  she got a ton of content, and while i did not get as much, i know i will be happy with the shoots.  mine were more bondage and forced orgasm and tickling and orgasm control. 

it all took a total of ten hours, but it was more than worth it.

all in all, an interesting day.

i am still thinking of joining my girlfriend for a trip to boston at the end of the month.

and now i am off to bed.  have a wonderful st patrick's day and please be careful and do not become a statistic.

3/10/2008 7:42:37 PM

the more men i meet online or in real life, the more i realize how incompatible i am with 99.9999% of men.

but that's ok.  i would rather be alone, fucked up, yet happy, than with someone incompatible, "fixed," yet miserable.

sometimes i think it would be best to pull myself off the meat market shelf, but i masochistically keep coming back for more disappointment.

i realize how dumbed down i am when i speak with highly intelligent people, get frustrated when my brain can't keep up and feel like i go into ADD mode and have no other contribution other than just nod and smile.

i realize how twisted i am when i would rather watch a raunchy episode of delightfully demented nip/tuck than watch televised sports.

i realize how my sensitivity to tobacco and alcoholism and many other addictions leave out the majority of the male population.

i realize how hypersexual i am when i wonder if something was wrong with me if a guy doesn't fuck me on the first date.

there's plenty more, but you get the point.

master right is out there.  i just hope i am not 90 years old when we finally meet.

i went out on a second date with mr. french onion soup.  actually, i went in on a date.

he made me dinner at his house.  salmon, broiled to perfection, baked potato with REAL butter, and green salad. 

it was the most nutritious and best tasting meal i had since the french onion soup.

and then things progressed to the bedroom....

i have been fighting a cold so had to turn down a photo shoot opportunity and two other play dates but i am happy to say that it is all gone now except for a residual sore throat.

this weekend i have been invited to fort lauderdale to a private play party.

oh yes, this painslut sexual slave travels.  all you have to do is cover my expenses, and give me your real name, address, phone number and photo.  and know that this information will be forwarded to my friends for safekeeping "so they will know where to start looking for the body parts," as they can now quote me. 

is that asking too much?

for some, YES!

for others, HELL NO!

this gentleman was the latter - he also sent me his work website, and his work email, and answered from that address.  so i feel very safe going to an unknown person's house, plus he has people well known in the local community to vouch for him.

come on, girls, what's our motto?

"no 'dom' is worth becoming a statistic over!"

i am excited and looking forward to meeting him, and it has been years since i have been down that way for "public" play.

now some more really good news!!!  i was invited to go with a girlfriend on a two week trip to new england from maine down to washington DC, with a major stop over in boston!  can you say, "EXCITED??!!!"  i have only wanted to go to new england for....oh....all of my life!!!  it looks like this will take place the first two weeks of april.

will take laptop and camera and post updates :-)

3/3/2008 11:02:09 PM
i have been blocked!  yes, i have been blocked. 

even though my profile says i will not correspond to anyone who doesn't send his photo or have one in his profile, and that i am not impressed by one-liners, here is my blocker's email: 

"pissing in your mouth is mandatory-- swallowing is optional"

oh wowzers.  my submissive and slavehood body is just quivering with desire with those words of eloquent manly dominance.

so i emailed him back even though his email was a one-liner (which i state in my profile i won't do), cuz i thought, oh what the hell.  i've had a good weekend, i am in a good mood, let's give him the benefit of the doubt, and asked him for a photo (which i state in my profile is necessary).

his response was that i am "shallow and superficial", and i "blew it big time" and will now face the crushing punishment of "missing out."

somebody please grab this knife from my hand that i am aiming at my jugular in self-loathing for screwing up my chance with god's gift to women.

3/3/2008 6:02:30 PM
this entry is more for my benefit than any one else's.  i have so much going on, i want to get it down so in case i need to look back sometime, it will be recorded.

the camping shoot never happened.  long story.  still too upset and still lumping it in with the photo shoot from hell prior, but mid-march looks good for attempt #2.

the idiot "dom" from st. pete still posts his ads on craigslist, looking for a kitty NOW.  looking for someone to serve him NOW.  wanting someone to make his life more pleasurable NOW.  hmmmm...i see a recurrent theme here.  girls, if you can drop work and family commitments, he truly is a dominant man, and handsome, so go have fun, but don't expect him to act like a mature dominant when you cannot shirk off your responsibilities to rush to st. pete.

my stalker has remained silent.  but, there was someone lurking around the house this weekend.  the dogs were going nuts and were so upset they vomited.  then saturday night, a bedroom window was pried open in the main house.  nothing stolen.  tonight the animals are acting strange again.  i wish i had a place to go cuz it is scaring me.

thursday night a dear friend of mine who is in town took me to a mexican restaurant in tampa on hillsborough avenue called guadalajara.  omg.  this place is family owned, and all the family welcomed my friend like a long lost relative.  they all came to the table and said hi, and i was introduced to three of the brothers, and i felt drawn to one in particular.  he knows about my lifestyle and was very very kewl about it all and was asking a lot of intelligent questions.  i gave him my number.  he didn't give me his.   but that's ok.  i enjoyed his open mindedness and genuine hospitality.  and their stuffed burrito ROCKED and filled me up like a piggy.

we were late by at least two hours, and got to karaoke at dagwoods around 11:30.  the place was full of cigarette smoke but i settled in and determined to have a great time.  and i DID!!!  i met a very handsome man from brazil named marco.  in between karaoke, marco treated me to brazilian style kissing.  OOOOOO MYYYYY!!!!!  i was a puddle!!!

then, i met a tall, muscular, shaved head, soft eyed gentleman from jamaica named jarod.  ohhhh my.  i fell in major lust with jarod.  he invited me to go home with him.  and i would have,

except at that moment, all the cigarette smoke got to me.  i was gonna hurl, i knew it.  and i was not gonna hurl any minute, but any SECOND!  

my dear friend was busy with one of her all time favorite fuck buddies who found out she was gonna be in town and joined us.  so i begged her to forgive me and told her i had to leave NOW!

jentleman jarod insisted on walking me out to my car.  his island accent was beckoning me to reconsider and go home with him but i cut him off and said i really had to go cuz i was really nauseous and was not trying to get out of seeing him.  i gave him my card with my number on it.

and left.

i hated to leave him.

but less than a block away, i pulled over, and there went the last part of the burrito on its round trip from gut and back.

a half hour later, the first part of the burrito came up the esophagus.

and finally back at home, bile came up.

i hate being allergic to cigarette smoke.

and will jarod ever call?

but we did have a blast.  i love singing karaoke.  hell, i am even learning (gasp) COUNTRY karaoke songs!!!  (before he cheats by carrie underwood.)   i love cheering on a karaoke buddy.  and i love kissing brazilian men. 

and i love island accents, especially being lulled to sleep in a spooning position with the singsong lilt being whispered in my ear, his breath like a tropical breeze.

but i hate cigarette smoke, cuz it RUINED that part for me.

so no hot island action for me that night.

there was a man who claims to be a dominant and who claims to be a part of helping the quest open many years ago at its first location.  he actually contacted me to see if i would be interested in doing some masochistic film work with him.  we met and got along ok.  we did a mini play session and it went well and i even topped him so he could see i could play that part on screen.  there were some idiosyncrosies i saw but i determined to ignore them and pursue a business relationship anyway.  to make a long story short, he did not keep his word about some financial business between us, and has not returned my phone calls, after telling me to call him.  i am assuming he went to daytona for bike week without fulfilling his promise that he would take care of this business deal before his departure for bike week.  if i do not hear back from him after bike week, chalk him up to be another liar.


i am invited to go to bike week next weekend for three days.  not sure about that yet.  depends on how good webcam goes this week.

my southern charm site exploded last month sales-wise and is exploding again.  all because of one photographer i found, oddly enough, through collarme.  or actually, he found me.  he and i wanted to meet for a looooong while but i didn't live close to him at that time.  but we have since gone out to dinner and i have been to his house a few times and each time i have genuinely had a wonderful time.  he is very down to earth, no pretenses, and a tell-it-like-it-is new yorker, but not obnoxiously rude in his words and actions.   i love honesty but you don't have to be rude to be honest.  a true gentleman.  yeah, there are still gentlemen around!  but the minority.

his photos of me have been getting the most response, AND the most sales, since i started on the site.  there is definitely chemistry there on my part and it shows in the photos.  so we had another photo shoot this weekend, this time with my bestest galpal/lesbian lover/landlady/ex-potential poly family member, and it went fantastic!  used john and starla's upright stocks from  i love the photos.  in fact, i am skipping the photos i was gonna put up, and putting up his instead!!

i don't know which was better....the photo shoots or the afterplay.

tomorrow my girlfriend is setting up the stocks out back here on her farm, putting me in them, and throwing pig swill at me.  i will have a red scarlet letter on my chest - ADULTERESS!  she can't wait to throw pig swill all over my body.  bitch!  LOL!  as our motto says, "ANYTHING for the shoot!!!!"  we have rotten tomatos, eggplant, cantalope, strawberries, green peppers, eggs, and who knows what else she has been collecting,

i love my job!

i really do!

we have so much fun :-)  it doesn't seem like work most of the time.

unfortunately, my new friend/photographer made it clear this weekend that he is not really into the pain part of bdsm, and that he would never date someone who was.  even through my two glasses of wine, and my blondeness, his message got through.  loud and clear.  i felt a pang of regret.  more like a stab through the heart of regret.  i know that i have lost out on many wonderful guys because of my never-ending need for pain. 

but i would be a lying hypocrit if i tried to live vanilla, and that wouldn't be fair to my vanilla partner.  i cannot put someone innocent through drama like that.

i really like this guy.