Shooting in Las Vegas March 4-6. Who's gonna be my next costar? 

Moved back to Vegas. 

I admire people who have the courage to have their photos on sites like this.  They are making a stand even though they know they might be seen on here by friends and family.  

I was outed, and recently found out a family member found out about my porn work.  The world didn't end.  I was not ostracized.  Life goes on.  Wave your freak flag high and carry on.  I am not ashamed of my choices. 

Not interested in hookups.  Please move along. 

I'm sorry, but if you're not local, I'm not able to keep up with my inbox and probably won't reply. 

I'm back in Tampa, Florida.  Home sweet home.  Moved back a year ago and although i miss Las Vegas and those who are very special to me, i feel like I'm back where i belong.  

As soon as COVID is under control, I'll be attending Sir Stefan's parties again. 

I was in a very intense 3 year relationship in Vegas but it was not meant to be.  I'm single again and I'm totally ok with that. 

Stay safe and healthy! 

shoots in vegas may 28 - june 3 in gorgeous upscale pool homes.  i need male costars.  calling all male talent!  apply within.  pun intended.

in this day and age, there's no reason not to have a profile picture up.  even if you work at a job where you need to be discreet, you can put SOMETHING up.  it just makes me wonder what you're hiding if you can't show yourself.  like maybe a wife and kids?

i'm gonna be completely honest here.  if your profile doesn't have a photo of you and at least a little bit about yourself, i probably won't answer your message.

two rooms available for rent in my las vegas home.  $425/mo for one room, $575/mo for both rooms.  utilities split down the middle.  you'd have your own bathroom.  you'd need first month's rent, $200 utility upfront and $250 refundable security deposit to move in.  i'll be doing a background and credit check.  no prior evictions.  no addictions to anything (except sex, LOL).  if you're allergic to cats, you're S.O.L.

well, that's weird.  i've had my photos up here for years, only to have them removed because my website's URL was on them.  not to worry.  it was way overdue to change them out anyway.  and i think i know what bitter person caused that to happen.  just remember what they say about karma....the $350+ you owe me will end up screwing you multifold.  

my visit to florida in october was wonderful but all too short.  there were several very special people in my life i wasn't able to see, and i regret that still.  i am planning on the next visit this spring.  will probably shoot a few days as well.

all kinds of crazy things going on in vegas!  i don't know why, but ever since i moved to vegas, my porn sales have mushroomed and all my sites are going great, even though i shoot less and put in much less work and time into it now.

my photographer just left to go back to florida after two wonderful days of shoots here.  i rented some beautiful suites in gorgeous boutique hotels.  vegas is great for having tons of reasonably priced yet sumptuous shoot locations!  

i don't have a regular bdsm play partner, but i do play hard on occasion with a few trusted friends and that gets me by.  i still will not settle.  i know what i want and i will wait for him.  i don't mind being alone in the meantime.

my home is a sanctuary for me and i enjoy having select dear friends come visit me in it.  i have three empty bedrooms with just me living here but at least i have room for all my racks of porn clothes, porn shoes, and dungeon furniture!  i am still spoiling my kitties rotten.  and my skin still hasn't adjusted to the desert's dryness.  but i don't miss florida's humidity although i dearly miss beautiful sunsets over the gulf!

life is good!

vegas has been keeping me busy.  it's a 24/7 town and i love it and i hate it.

even though i cannot shoot every week or every month like i did in florida, my photographer has flown here twice since i've moved here, and we have gotten amazing footage in vegas.  i am flying to florida in october to see my family, a few close friends, and, of course, get more footage!

southern-charms is going great!

clips4sale is going great!

i am STILL heartbroken, but healing, FINALLY!  slowly, but that's better than nothing.

i spent nine days in the loony bin earlier this year, and am back on my meds, and back on track. 

it's taken months to be able to say this again,

but....

life is good!

if you have my number, give me a call and say hi.  i miss florida and my friends very much.

i rarely have time to log on here or "that other" fetish website, and was shocked to see how long it had been since i'd been on here.  

i love the lack of humidity in vegas, although my skin is showing signs of dryness that i never had to worry about before.  not good for the camera.

i love the 24.7 life here.  it is nothing to be out until daylight, get a good six hours sleep and then do it all over again.

i love the friends i have made here thus far and am looking forward to making many more.

i love the opportunities for bbw models and porn workers here.  

i love the culture here.  there is constantly multiple events going on that i'd like to go to and wish i could clone myself.

i love the bdsm community here.  of course like in every other part of the world, there is a core group that is tight and "real" and unfortunately, with some drama, i don't think you can ever get away from that.  but the ones i have met have been very gracious to me.

i was told there is a whole different world in vegas, off the strip, and it is true.  i think i've only been on the strip once since i arrived here, and it was to show visitors around.  

i love what the city has to offer to the locals, that the tourists never have the time or inclination to find out about.  and i think i am ok with that :-)

there are some rough spots, of course.  i miss my friends and family in florida horribly.

and one of the reasons that i moved here actually ended up causing me extreme heartbreak, that i am still not over.

but every day is a new day.

i am very excited that dear friends from detroit, florida, new york, and other places are coming to shoot with me starting in january.  after taking three months off, i had a wonderful guy from north carolina come to shoot with me during the thanksgiving holiday and it went great, and thanks to him, it made me realize how much i missed shooting porn.  so i am ready to jump back into the saddle refreshed from my break.

life goes on.  i would say my usual, "life is good," but that will have to wait until i am completely healed from that major setback.

i can't believe how time is flying.  things are going well in vegas.  major adjustments, to be sure, but i am taking it one day at a time and trying not to stress over things that are out of my control.  i've found a beautiful home, am making good friends, and enjoying life. i do miss my close friends and family in florida, though, and sometimes i go through rough patches when i miss them so much, but i hope they can come visit me, and vice versa, soon.  

there is a really nice local munch with wonderful people, and i go to power exchange every chance i get.  it's nice to have a vibrant, active local scene.

i am almost all packed up.  hope to see family before i move.  would love to have seen friends in person before i go but that's just not possible.  

the universe has been very kind.  one obstacle after another has been removed.  today a dear person volunteered to drive with me. that is such a relief.  i was worried about driving alone, 2500 miles, 10+ hours per day for five days.  plus he's hot too LOL.  

it's bittersweet to leave florida.  i used to move from place to place with not very much tangible possessions.  i've found the older i get, the more junk i hold unto just for sentimental reasons.  like plastic hotel room keys.  long story there, never mind.  or old CDs - the actual CD is ruined but the memories behind it aren't.  i vowed when i get to vegas, i will unpack and purge all this.  let's see if i can actually DO that.

this is a long era of my life that will be over.  a brand new set of friends, experiences, memories are waiting.  i am ready for it.  but i will miss the prior chapter very much.

big news.  i am moving to vegas september 1st.  if you could help me load up my truck either the night before, or the morning of, near the love's truck stop near exit 44 off I-4 (route 559) i would be happy to give you $20 for gas and a hug goodbye.

tons of shoots booked in the next two weeks....i am almost ready for fan fest.  i am staying 21 days in sin city.  have mixed feelings about it now.  so many things have happened, some good, some bad.  very very bad.  life has been throwing me and people dear to me a lot of snags lately.  i have almost all the things i need for vending at bbw fan fest and am now packing for all the shoots.  it's a daunting task, and to keep it all below 100 lb of suitcases on the plane.  i have been very overwhelmed.  major decisions need to be made but i just don't have all the data yet to make an informed decision.  so i remain in limbo...i haven't a day off in months, often getting less than five hours sleep a night.  i envy those who have a significant other to help them handle all this.  but i know that what i am going through is nothing compared to loved ones who have been handed a very raw deal right now from fate.  

i have dozens of unopened private messages on here that are unanswered and i apologize for that. just not enough hours in the day.

enjoy your summer, and take time to spend it with the people you love.  you never know if it may be your last time you see them.  not to be morbid.  but just reminded of the frailty of life.  

set your alarm!  i will be a guest on www.sincitybounty.com internet radio show sunday july 1 between 10 pm and 1 am eastern time, talking about bdsm, porn, swinging, sex work, sex and more!

i know it's judgmental but red flags always go up if someone won't post ANY photo of themselves on social sites.  can't help but wonder what are they hiding?  i understand the need for discretion in some situations but even a below the neck shot is better than nothing.

my back went out for a week and i had to cancel the dallas trip. very very disappointed. luckily the paid shoot was fine with postponing it until later this year. which is great. but damn, i could really use that money NOW.

vegas is coming up quckly. does anyone know of any good places to shoot there? indoors or outdoors? i have already booked the power exchange for a day of private shoots, and inquired with LV Moments' studio, and are planning another day at mount charleston and will be including red rock canyon this time. thanks for any information.

so many reasons i am looking forward to vegas, but one reason out-reasons them all. more to come on this soon.

by the way, any models in las vegas need a place to shoot on july 17 and would like to help split the cost, PM me. right now there are enough people coming to make it less than $20/per person but there's room for more. go to the power exchange's las vegas website to see the incredible shoot potential of this place, and the photos do not do it justice.

and...

to all those people who through the years have told me to write a book. you are right. i'm not saying that to blow my own horn. but you are right and now i see that. if a book like 50 shades of grey can make it on the new york times best seller list, what would my real-life experience bring? and i can name 50 people in my friends list on here who could do the same exact thing. people, we are missing a major opportunity here. can't write? hire a ghostwriter. you'll make your investment 100x over.

so yeah, i read 50 shades of grey. the whole trilogy. i MADE myself finish it. seriously. i forced myself to read the whole damn thing.

i was not impressed. the writing was horrible. the sex scenes were written even worse. for someone who was not sure if she was submissive, she was being led around like a puppy on a leash. and of course he had to be rich and powerful, that's the only way he could afford to whisk her off her feet.

but that's just the outer layer.

in it's bdsm philosophy, the final book actually made me angry.

to give up being submissive or having slave tendencies, would be like me giving up having breasts or a vagina or blue eyes or preferring ice cream over crackers. it's not going away. i can't put it up on a shelf. it's WHO I AM. and i think any alpha male, true dominant, natural master, whatever you want to call it, would say the same thing.

i do not know if the author is into BDSM full time or read a wikipedia entry on it or what. and i know it is on the times best seller list and women all over the world are getting off on it and men are reading it to find out why the heck their woman is so obsessed over it.

but in my mind, it was a huge disappointment, and only scratched the surface of domination, submission, sadism, masochism, and so many other things that are near and dear to me, and in my opinion it turned out to be a typical love-conquers-all romance novel and bdsm-is-really-just-for-sickos type of dogma.

if you want to get a realistic view of bdsm, don't read this book.

especially if you believe deep down like i do that we, non-vanilla people, that is, can't shelve this part of us.

i felt like the book was making the characters make a choice. and that the most practical thing to do was be 95% vanilla and when in rare occasions you felt like you had to get your freak on, you drag out and dust off the floggers for an hour and then go back to your regularly scheduled program called boring life.

sorry.

i'll sleep in the sicko camp any time. the vanilla camp can go get more unrealistic installments of shades of grey and masturbate furtively to it in the bathroom while their husband sleeps in front of the tv for the rest of their lives.

me? i want to serve my beloved all day long out of love and submissiveness and be PROUD OF IT because it is WHO I AM not a role i play, then be taken out publicly to the local dungeon, tied up in the main room on a spanking bench, being flogged, whipped, paddled and spanked so hard my ass bleeds, fucked senseless with his beloved cock, and then brought to so many painful orgasms with the unbearably overly stimulating hitachi wand that i speak in tongues and collapse in tears into my beloved's arms.

100 shades of black and blue over 50 shades of grey, any day, any time, any where.

damn, i oughta copyright that saying right now.

between two major family crises, and several major life decisions coming up, i am finding myself mentally, emotionally and spiritually drained.  regarding the life decisions, there is a never-ending game my brain plays of "what if.... vs. fear of failure."

my tantra mentor tells me there IS no failure, only an opportunity to learn something and grow.  i could grasp and embrace and live by that, if it were just me.  but when other people are involved, that changes the game drastically, doesn't it?

this trip to vegas coming up in july will either be a life changing event, or things will quickly go back to status quo.  one part of that excites me yet terrifies me - going outside my comfort zone, the need to stretch myself, uncertain as to whether or not i can adapt, and the unknown, which causes fear. and the other part welcomes going back to status quo, the comfortable.  the known.  the achievable.  the safe choice.

but then i would always wonder, "what if?"

i used to embrace change but as i get older, i tend to avoid it.    yet it is through change that we grow.  so i guess the question is, do i want to grow or not?

i'll be on the space coast for ten days beginning tomorrow if anyone wants to get together for drinks or a sit on the beach.  

mr. nuttz came down from detroit and shot with me and my porn-bff eden and it was so much fun.  we laughed, we cried, we shot.  

june will take me to dallas for, surprisingly, many more shoots than i had hoped for.  i am loving these paid shoots, let me tell you!

july will take me to vegas and wow, do i have some exciting news i may be sharing very soon about that...if all goes well.

life is good.

major life choices coming up.  uncertainty is never easy for me.  but i hope to make the choices with a "carpe diem" attitude of "YES!!!" and not a "oh god/dess i hope i'm making the right choice" attitude of fear.

been sick with flu for the past few days, too sick to take care of business, too sick to update my website.  i feel bad for the customers who have paid money and got no update this week.  next week i'll do two to make up for it.

too sick with flu to go to the tampa bay webgirls' meet and greet, and too sick to network at the bbw nightclub tonight.  i don't know why, if it's been all the meditation i've been doing or what, but the universe has been very very kind to me in so many ways recently.  so i am not going to let a flu bug get me down.

bbwfanfest in july in las vegas is going to be amazing.  there are a lot of wonderful industry people coming, as well as fans and members of my site with whom i've been talking for years.  i'm really looking forward to meeting them face to face and share a hug.  i am also excited to go to back to vegas for another reason, and perhaps i will share all that after my visit if all goes well.  

my new blog has been receiving very positive response.  it has been very therapeutic to put decades of thoughts into words.  and i am only up to about age 18 or so.  i don't mind sharing such personal things with anyone out there in the world who cares to read it because my goal is to help people see that pleasure comes in all forms, and pleasure is good.  when a woman writes to me privately and tells me she has fantasized about things that i've wrote about too, i want her to feel positive about her self, and not shamed.  we've been shamed for far too long.  sensualsammieSC2.blogspot.com  the huge mainstream success of such novels as fifty shades of grey just goes to show that women all over the world have long been wanting to explore their sexuality and that it is OK and healthy to do so.  anything i can do to help in the cause, i will.

i am sorry, and feel so bad, but i just don't have much free time to answer emails on here much.  

i'll do so as soon as i can.  

in the meantime, if you are so inclined, pleas feel free to check out a new blog i started,

http://sensualsammiesc2.blogspot.com/

the goal is to make a useful contribution to the blogging world about bdsm, nudism, swinging, sex work, spirituality, being single BECAUSE of all that, and to drive more traffic to my porn sites.  

gotta love the internet, multi-tasking made easy.

i am so lucky, so blessed.  my photographer called me this morning and gave me the wonderful news that he CAN shoot me in vegas before and during the bbw fanfest in july. i am so excited!  

finally made it back home from vegas.  what a trip.  i will never forget it.  so very grateful to all who made my stay so wonderful.  my favorite shoots were in the mountains, over 7000 feet high.  it was hard to look "sexy" for porn when i was so overwhelmed by the majesty of the mountains.  it was breathtaking...literally....high elevation made it hard to breathe but i climbed rock formations barefoot and knelt in caves on my knees with sharp rock bottoms and it was worth the cuts, scratches, scrapes and ruined pedicure.  i loved the dry heat and felt so good in it, once i got used to slathering on moisturizer, using saline spray up my nose, and using extra conditioner on my hair.  oh, and drinking a ton of water.

the power exchange in vegas is simply amazing.  the nicest dungeon i have ever seen, hands down.  and the staff were very friendly and the owner was a great guy.  if i lived there, i would be a fixture there.

i go back in july for the bbw fan fest, i will be in booth #14.  come and visit me.  i have also been invited to stay for the bbw bash the following weekend and am seriously considering it.

can't believe how fast time is flying by here.  met so many wonderful people.  i am going to miss it.  am so torn about going back home.  usually i miss home and cannot wait another single minute to get back to it but i really am enjoying my stay here.  do hope my cats are ok...

tonight is power exchange and tomorrow night am doing a paid shoot that focuses on my breasts and nipples.  wow, for once my ass isn't the focus!  that's a novelty!

i am days behind answering people's messages on here.  will do so when i can.

i ended up changing my reservation to april 9th.  i am having so much fun and getting great content.  

yesterday my hosts took us to porn star karaoke at the rio in vegas where i sang and danced and met a bunch of nice porn stars.  i also won the orgasm contest and received a really kewl casino hoodie as my prize.  it was a blast.

thursday we are going to the power exchange for their bbw night.  hope to get my ass whupped there.  and other things,

having a blast shooting in vegas.  so much so that i am considering staying longer.  there just wasn't enough time to fit everybody in...pun fully intended.

i have a lot of unread messages in my inbox but just no time to read or answer.  will do so as soon as possible.  i am lucky if i get five hours sleep a night!

i've been asked how to vote for me for MILF award at the bbwfanfest.  you can send an email to awards@bbwfanfest.com

thank you to everyone who votes, and i am excited to be just a small representation of bbw MILFs who are kinky and into bdsm!

http://www.bbwfanfest.com/FINALAwardList.pdf

i am stunned.  i was just told i was nominated for MILF of the year at the bbw fan fest in las vegas, july 13-15.  i know most of the co-nominees and i must say i am truly honored to be included in such company.  

finally the sickness that i brought back from detroit is dissipating.  i've been walking around sucking on cough drops constantly because it settled down in my lungs.  i could barely finish a sentence before i had to cough but it's finally showing signs at the end of the tunnel.

i've been working hard, and playing harder.  and loving every minute of it.

one business has slowed down, one is kicking ass, and one is at a complete standstill and i don't see it going any further unless i find another business partner to take it over.  

and absolutely loving this perfect florida weather, with the orange groves in sweet smelling blossoms, the azaleas in full bloom, and the confederate jasmine surrounding my house with its perfume.  ahhh love it!

in 32 days i'll be going to vegas for the first time in my life!   a whole week of shoots are planned while visiting with friends.  very excited.  

just found out i will be on the cover of mondo extreme BBW & BLACK COCKS porn dvd.  the artwork was just approved.  

i'll be posting a picture of it.

this will be my second cover.   big butt magazine 2011 was my first.  

two down, millions more to go....

back from five days of shooting in detroit.  met some really wonderful people.  also brought home a souvenir - a horrible cold.  

i'll be going back...but only when it's warmer up there!

i find myself oddly very ill at ease about some personal things, and some business things.

and after six years of working in the adult entertainment industry, i think i may have my first "creepy stalker" guy.  it's very unsettling.  

still looking for at least five more photographers/videographers to help me populate some kinky clips4sale sites PLUS i will be launching my own adult website with photos, videos, and more, PLUS my very own phonesex/webcam site.  as much as i love niteflirt, southern-charms and clips4sale, i need to start keeping more of the profit for myself.

sir steffan had a kick ass daytime party wednesday.  my ass is completely purple.  it's been a long long time since i've had a completely purple ass.  

sir steffan graciously allowed me to have a "break and take" policy.  a cane was broken into three pieces over my ass, and i was allowed to take it home to add to my "wall of fame/shame."  it's been a long long time since anything was added to that collection, as well.

there was a wide mix of people, all ages, all levels of experience.  it is a very positive environment with no drama and i love that.  attendance was great, i do believe i heard the number 42 mentioned.  not bad for a middle of the week daytime group!  many familiar faces, and enjoyed meeting new people.

john and starla had a lovely christmas party in their home the night before and i really enjoyed that, too.  very laid back with "real people" in attendance.  the food was all excellent.  the atmosphere was so relaxing and FUN!  there was a michael jackson experience (wii game) dance-off with only a difference of about 200 points - that was a hoot to watch.  santa without pants, a fun secret santa gift exchange, delicious morsels to nibble on and several glasses of warm cider for me....mmmmmm yummy.....

but in between the two events.....

something i've been thinking about a lot is that between the home party tuesday night and the kick-ass play party wednesday afternoon, i made a spur of the moment decision and went to visit someone in tampa.  it was not good, or beneficial, or affirming, or enjoyable, or constructive in any way, shape or form, except the lesson of what came of it.  

i've been struggling with myself for the past 48 hours, going through the process of WHY did i allow what happened to happen.  

i learned a bit more about myself through the process of thinking through that choice after the fact, though, so although the situation was not a good one, and time and gas and energy was completely wasted in the situation, the learning experience about myself was worth it.  and i will never do that again.  but i don't regret doing it.  if that makes any sense.  i think i am a better person for it.

i think it all can be said in one word.  

respect.

through this instance, i have learned a lot about respect and how it plays a part in my own personal life.  i have learned that my own self respect needs to improve, and i have learned that even though i am still extremely submissive, and i still have extreme slave tendencies, i should still have enough self respect to walk away from a situation.  i also learned that if, in turn, i do not respect someone, not much good will come out of sharing time or energy with them.  and i also learned that if someone does not respect you, not much good will be had by sharing time or energy with them.

pretty simple, eh?  nothing earth shattering or life changing, but somehow i forgot this concept. 

starla and i have been discussing this in depth, and she has blogged about it, and i don't mean to copy her blogging subject, but really, what that bad time all boils down to, is respect.  i didn't respect this person.  this person did not respect me.  

but a lightbulb of insight, that "AHA MOMENT" showed me, I DIDN'T RESPECT MYSELF BY ALLOWING IT TO HAPPEN.

and that is the greatest problem.  

somehow, after all these years, after all these decades, i found myself in the old, old trap of "i'm not a good submissive/slave if i don't do what i'm told" even if the whole situation is a huge, huge mistake and i don't want to do it.

my gawd, i thought i was long past this.  what the fuck?  this is newbie subbie 101 stuff.

somewhere in the back of my brain something is jiggling around so i know there is something else i should be realizing but it hasn't hit me yet.  i'll wait patiently for it.

anyway, after the kick ass party i had a very productive and informative four hour business meeting with a potential co-conspirator in my erotic adult work that i had the pleasure of meeting for the first time.  i am excited over this meeting, because it seems that 2012 has a lot of new and exciting ventures on the horizon.

by the way, is anyone going to the bbw fanfest in las vegas july 13-15, 2011?  i just registered today and am getting very excited about it.  i am not listed on the model attendees yet but please put sammieSC2 on your registration form where it asks how you heard about the event.  i'd love to meet some of you out there.  there are some beautiful kinky fetish bbw models who will be there and i'm looking forward to meeting them. 

january - shooting in detroit

april - shooting in las vegas

june - shooting in dallas

july - back to las vegas

on my wishlist for shoots - the pacific northwest, atlanta, miami.

let the frequent flyer miles accumulate!  :-)  i hope to make a personal pilgrimage to sedona soon, with a side trip to chicago to visit some demons from my past and hopefully exorcise them.

life is good.

well now....so far the detroit gang is pretty sure they can meet all my demands including setting up a private meeting with eminem and having him guest star in one of my videos.  hee hee hee.  

but seriously, it's really shaping up great.  i'm really excited about this.  not about being up north in january, but all the indoor activities, and it sounds like there will be a ton of that.  unfortunately, my photographer cannot go so we will be relying on Mr. Nuttz' footage alone.  that makes me nervous because of problems getting footage in the past from other people, but i have no other choice.

las vegas shoots in the spring is coming up fast, then i hope to be going out there again in july for the bbw fanfest.  

i hope to take a personal trip, alone, to sedona, as well.  it's calling me.

my photographer received the first of the raw footage of the shoots i did with the pros visiting from NYC and detroit and i gotta say.....DAMN!!!!!  for a fat old broad, wow, these shoots are HOT HOT HOT!  we are really looking forward to getting them up to market :-)  

we were invited up north to shoot with them again, and i am going to take them up on it.  the only problem is, they want us to come in january, yes JANUARY....I DON'T DO COLD WEATHER!!!!!!!  hard limit!!!  atlantic city last winter, and more cold travel this winter?  i'm doing this all wrong!  

ok, so not only do i want my contract to state no brown M&Ms in the dressing room, but no cold weather travel too.  yeah.  my dressing room can only have white flowers, white furniture and white curtains.  i demand a brand new toilet seat installed in my private bathroom.  i'm copying this from another contract's rider:  organic cheese tray featuring cave-aged Gruyere, Swiss and sharp cheddar, along with organic berries, fresh – not canned – olives and Ferrero Rocher chocolates. i don't even like olives, but i want the olives anyway.  and i have no idea what Gruyere is but it sounds pretentious so i want it.  and a two hour massage is mandatory, daily.  and pedicures.  and manicures.  and hair and make up.  whaddya mean you don't supply any of that?  ok, how about passing me a bottled water?  whaddya mean it'll cost me a buck?  

hmmmppphhh.

also have plans to shoot in las vegas during spring break.  at least it won't be cold there!

i love my job...

but please, crank up that heat!  i'm nekkid, for pete's sake!

also seriously considering going back out to vegas in july for the bbw fanfest convention.  i know a few of the models signed up for it which would make it even more fun :-)

i am hoping that somewhere along the way, i'll meet up with someone who wants to make some good kinky, fetish bdsm material.  that will be the icing on the cake.

life is good...

i just wanna know who stole november, and can you please give it back ASAP?  i can't believe how fast this month went by.  not ready for december.  not ready at all!  
just had to get that out of my system, thank you.
well then!  had a another wonderful day in land o' lakes yesterday with my tantra mentor.  hair, massage, boutique, lunch over the water, great conversation, great friends, cool weather, low humidity...perfect!!!  i do so love our L-O-L days.  lots of LOLing in LOL.  
i went overboard (again) at our favorite boutique but it's all tax deductible, or so i keep saying to myself, and i do get great comments, new fans, new website memberships and video sales when i shoot in the boutique's clothes.  it's one of a kind stuff you won't find easily, and it's perfect for the work i do.
and no one, but NO ONE, cuts my hair as good as jules.  her boyfriend, i found out, gives one hell of a great massage.  90 minutes of bliss...except for the draining sinuses...a necessary evil, heh.  the clam chowder soup at uke's is to die for.  we couldn't even finish our lunch it was so thick and filling.  
and i shopped for furniture because....it looks like as of january 1st i will be renting my very own studio for my work!!!  this will make more room in my home, and will make my home my HOME and not my home/workplace.  this is a big step for me and i am very excited about it :-)
but on the other hand, one thing that really keeps coming back into my brain are people like solviva in new england, to the farm of life in costa rica...people getting back to living off the land and living off the grid.  i've been thinking a lot about that lately.  i am not very materialistic - i drive an older car that is bought and paid for, i live simply, minimalistically.  most of my splurges revolve around my work.  i really think that if i had a way to keep in touch with my family and few very close friends, i could live a very simple life with minimal technology in a place like costa rica.  (anywhere cold is out of the question for me.)   i don't get bored.  i don't need a TV in the background for noise.  when i was in my early 20s, i didn't even have a TV and was fine without one.  i feel comfortable with complete silence.  i love to spend a lot of time just THINKING or just letting my mind go silent and hearing my cats outside or the birds by my window.  i like quiet. i like stillness.  i like going barefoot and feeling the earth beneath my feet instead of a $200 shoe.  my non-professional wardrobe mostly consists of 100% cotton shorts and tank tops and sandals.  and like the lady at the farm of life, i like being naked outside.  i tried eating 100% raw last year and managed to do so for 18 days.  i felt WONDERFUL while doing it, with very little cravings, amazing energy, and clarity of thought.  the only thing that made me go off it, was an emotional upset, and i went back to my pattern of eating comfort food for self-nurturing, self-love, self-comfort.  when you are single and have no one to comfort you, it's way too easy to turn to negative ways of giving much needed love to yourself.  many overweight people do that through comfort food, although it makes us hate ourselves afterward, and is a vicious cycle, when we've gained more weight.  but i've gotten better with that this year :-)  
part of borderline personality disorder is a black/white pattern of thinking.  you think like this:  i have to go ALL 100% raw vegan!  i have to go ALL 100% living in the costa rican rain forest!  i have to go ALL 100% natural with no technology or man made materials!!!  of course this thinking is totally black and white and can doom someone to failure.  and then when you do fail, you sink back into negative patterns of dealing with the failure.  you think, "i'm a failure...i can't do it - this is not for me."  and you give up and never go back to trying it again, and finding ways to avoid the failure. 
i liked the videos i saw of the farm of life in costa rica, because her living structure is all open air.  no walls, no windows, no doors.  i know i could do that.  i hate air conditioning and artificial heat and usually have all my windows and doors wide open.  there is much more she does, that i won't discuss here, and it is very controversial...but i am reading about it with an open mind and am very interested in learning more.  i am not sure how my back could handle the rough sleeping arrangements...would have to do some research into that.  but it's not an impossibility.
i have to say, i think i would miss my hair color!!!!  i love my hair color, and i love the fact that i can cover up the grey in my hair.  but that is vanity, pure vanity, nothing more.  other than that, i think i could do it.  but i sure would miss my jules haircuts!
and i would have to find someone with whom to barter massages!  
i think the only thing keeping me here, right now, are my children.  when they are all settled and don't need my help anymore, i am seriously thinking of doing this.  i don't know if my youngest will ever be in that position, with his schizophrenia, but i am hopeful for him and will help him all i can to be self-sustaining.  but for now i am going to learn all i can about living off the grid for someday in my future.  
i really believe that this world is heading for disaster.  whether it be another world war, or an economic crisis of massive proportions we have never seen yet, or toxic pollution of epidemic proportions, a worldwide nuclear disaster, the anti-christ, the tribulation......SOMETHING is going to happen sooner or later.  and i don't believe it is my life's path to fix that.  so, maybe i'm thinking like an ostrich with her head stuck in the sand, hiding, ignoring, living in blissful ignorance, but i really like the idea of living off the grid.  and from what i read, thousands of other people feel the same way, and some of them are actually DOING it!  whether it be building your own minimalistic cabin in the middle of the woods, to living self-sustaining in the middle of a rain forest, to stockpiling for the end of the world somewhere in the middle of nowhere in oregon, people are DOING it!  i find that inspiring.  and i can't stop thinking about it....

uploaded a few new shots from some shoots in september.  wish CM let us have more than 14 photos on our profile!

hope you enjoy.  

had great shoots sunday, and incredible shoots today.  can't wait to get the footage and post some photos.  days like today, i LOVE my job.

heading to the space coast for a bit tomorrow.  tampa on thanksgiving day.  these cross-state trips take a lot out of me, but worth every minute.

wishing everyone a happy thanksgiving.

i am thankful for family, friends, furballs (my cats) and the fact that the universe has always provided me a roof over my head, food in my belly and even some creature comforts. 

wow, didn't realize i haven't updated in a long time.  where does the time go?  

well, part of it went here:  i tried dipping my toes into the waters of a "relationship" and that didn't go very well.  so i have gone my separate way, and that is definitely for the best.  i was told by a mutual friend that he is badmouthing me, and i don't even care.  people who know me, KNOW ME and know i would not do such things.  i could tell people all the bad things he did, but why bother?  that would just perpetuate drama.  i could be bitter and angry, but i'm not.  i choose not to live in bitterness and anger, but positivity.  i could confront him, but what's the point?  my reputation is important to me, yes, but if people choose to believe a lie without asking my side, perhaps it's best they are not a part of my life anyway.  so, i spent this time reshaping my priorities and do believe i am back on track now.  being self employed and working on 100% commission, my priority is my work right now.  i let that slide while i was testing out the waters of "the relationship", and i learned a very valuable lesson.  Listen To Your Gut, and Don't Give Your All In The Beginning Of A "Relationship."  Cuz in the end, you'll be the one who pays for it.  Literally. 

i have been on here for almost seven years now.  many people have asked me if i had good luck on here.  well, i guess that depends on what you're looking for.  if i've had good luck finding Master Right, the answer would have to be, somewhat.  i have had some wonderful short-term relationships on here, a few semi-long-term, some that i will treasure forever.  i am still friends with most of them.  no, they didn't last, but each made me grow a little more and formed me into who i am today.  so, i have found some idiots on here, and i have found some wonderful people who mean the world to me.  case in point - tonight.

some people i have met have become life long friends.  maybe we didn't click on an M/s level, or a D/s level, or a masochist/sadist level, but that's ok.  somehow we foraged a friendship that has stood the test of time.  i met one such person on here and tonight he celebrates his 55th birthday, and he asked me to join him for dinner out at one of his favorite restaurants to celebrate it.  i don't know how you feel about birthdays, but birthdays are very, very important to me.  ask my kids.  they will tell you of the huge extravaganzas i had for their birthdays when they were little (and not so little).  so i am very excited, and very honored, that he asked me to join him for his birthday, when he could have asked anyone else.  i consider him one of those life long friends i have made through CM.  and there are several more from even earlier, on bondage and alt.  way back in the day when they were 100% free.  remember that?  i know, it's hard to believe, isn't it?  many of the people on CM were migrants from alt and bondage who, like me, were too cheap to pay for a membership.

just like any site, there will be jerks, weirdos, predators, users and dangerous people.  but if you are patient and winnow the chaff from the wheat, you will also find some rare gems.  

i am very fortunate to have those gems in my life.  and am so very grateful for them.

i don't know many of the new people on here and "the other site".  i don't get out and socialize in the dungeons like i used to.  nowadays i rarely come across a profile that i know and recognize on either site.  sometimes i am wistful because i miss the old days where we were like one great big incestuous family.  everybody really did know everybody else, or knew somebody who knew them.  but i realize things change, things move on, people come, people go...it's a constant state of flux.  and i am very blessed to have my core group of friends who have remained constant all this time.  someday we'll be sitting together at the nursing home in our wheelchairs on the front porch, talking about the good old days, with matching nipple needle inserts slipped into our bras, self-torturing our saggy baggy breasts!  the caregivers will comment on that bruise on our butt - how it's shaped exactly like the reacher pole extender in the corner, "isn't that just weird?"  and we will just smile inwardly....   :-)

thanks to all who have written with support and beautiful stories of their loved ones.  i appreciate it.  each one means something.  each one touched me.  

life goes on.  whether we want it to or not.

canceled some shoots because of depression, made it to other shoots and had fun.  have a ton coming up.  will be gone for 25 days straight except for the occasional drive-by to check on my kitties.  i miss my furballs already.  

my family and i had to make some very important decisions regarding my mom's care.  we are trying to follow her very vague and ill-prepared living will as best we can, and some of the decisions have been argued over in depth among us.  these decisions will hasten her death, which is exactly what her living will states she would have wanted.  but i still feel guilt.

my sister, who is very ill, obviously has been thinking about all this as it applies to her, just as i have.  she sent us all her living will, and i was shocked when she named me health care surrogate.  she has detailed in depth exactly what she wants, which is a relief because it takes away the guesswork.  and i was honored that she considers me able to follow her wishes.  but it just hammered home the enormity of death.  they say there are only two absolutes.  death and taxes.  and you may be able to cheat the taxes part.  but certainly not death.

so now i wonder - who will be my health care surrogate?  who will make sure every one of my wishes is followed?  that is quite a burden to put on a friend, even a best friend.  but if my sister is gone, i don't feel comfortable asking any family member left.  and since i am the youngest, what if i am the last one left?  it's scary.  the last thing i want is to be existing like my mom is existing right now, if you can call it that.  

i used to be extremely pro-life.  but now i am starting to understand doctor-assisted suicide.  

no one really wants to think about things like this, but if you haven't, it's time.

what about you?  have you decided what you want if you are unable to speak for yourself?  have you written it down, and legalized it?  have you chosen someone to be your health care surrogate?

there was a young lady in the local bdsm community who is gone now.  so young.  but a blatant reminder not to take even one day for granted.  and be ready, just in case it's your last.

life is throwing me some curveballs right now.  expensive ones.  emotionally draining ones.  mentally challenging ones.  i am trying to keep myself on a spiritual plane to rise above the chaos.

all i can say is, 

i am blessed.

even throughout the midst of it all,

i am blessed.

the universe has given me wonderful, unconditional, giving, loving friends.  yes, i can be independent and self-sufficient.  and i am.  

but it also is wonderful to have friends who care so much and help so much and give so much.

i am so grateful for my true friends.  the ones who stick by through thick and thin.  the ones who call "just because" when i really know they're checking up on me.  the ones who will always take time out of a busy day to answer a question.  the ones who go out of their way to help me with something.  

it's one thing to be a friend when all is well.  it's another thing to be a friend when it's terribly inconvenient.  (all the times i've moved are testimony to that...)

and to make things really interesting, sometimes we get exactly what we need, when we need it.  i love it when that happens.

example:  out of the blue this week, i heard from one of the loves of my life, totally unexpectedly.  as i was sitting there stewing about one of my children, breaking down into tears, sobbing my heart out, he called.  mopping up the tears, clearing my throat, and putting on what i hoped was an academy award performance,  he asked me what was going on in my life and i told him about my loved one.  he happens to be in the same situation with a family member and was able to totally relate to me, and give me some much needed wisdom and advice.  it was perfect.  i mean, PERFECT.  so i was able to email my ex and share with him what i learned, and my ex agreed that this was the right thing to do.  it was a relief to both of us.  

the universe does stuff like that.  call it God, Higher Power, Allah, the Lord, Jesus, whatever.  there is a spiritual truth here somewhere and it transcends every religion.  coincidence?  divine providence?  i don't know.  but i am grateful for it.  

no, things are not always perfect, and i'll never figure out that mystery until i am on some other spiritual plane and have more enlightenment as to what this whole existence thing is really all about.  but it's comforting to know that even in the midst of chaos there is a small group of beloved, trusted, and adored friends who will always be there for me.  

i just hope i can always be there for them in return.

dammit.  whoever asked me what equipment my photographer uses, please msg me again.  i can't find who it was.  arrrgggghhhhhh!  i have your information.

what a day.  after a fitful night of nightmares and barely getting 4 hours sleep, i woke up to no water in my apartment.  i should have realized then it was going to be a doozy of a day.  but nooooooo.....me trying to be the optimist just went ahead with plan b, thinking things would soon iron out just fine.  

silly me!

after cleaning up two "presents" my cats left me in my living room, and of course not having water to wash my hands afterward (EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!) i drove 2 hours to brevard county feeling disgustingly dirty and scuzzy because it had now been over 24 hours since i've had a shower or washed my hair (double EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!)    

on the way, i was hungry and wolfed down breakfast.  but wendy's forgot to give me my iced tea, and i was too frazzled to notice.  you must know that iced tea is my favorite and most used food group.  mornings without iced tea can be treacherous.  

thank goodness i was able to take a shower at my kids' house finally, and of course was late for court because of it, because they live a good half hour away from the courthouse, and it's another half hour to get back that way.  

the only good news of the day was that the state's attorney's office dropped the case against my son.  the two most beautiful words in the world right now are "nolle prosequi."  all this could have been avoided if a certain policewoman would have baker acted my son instead of arrested him, which every single psychiatrist, psychologist, targeted case manager, psychological assessment clinician, and every other professional, including the jail's psychologist, said should have happened, but nooooooooooooooooo.....we have to be a hardass, don't we?  

six months of hell because of one person's lack of judgment.  but that's another story.

in the meantime, i had somehow lost my debit card.  this is the second debit card in as many weeks that i have lost now.  my local bank branch might as well make up temporary cards for me by the dozen at this point.  i will soon know the 800 number's person who puts a block on cards on a first name basis.  

to add insult to injury, i had to borrow gas money to get home.  very very uncool.  i have my pride.  

and my son is adamant about making a very critical life decision right now that will adversely affect him the rest of his life, but he is a legal adult and there is not one damn thing i can do about it anymore.  

and the final blow was when one of the great loves of my life canceled a date we had on my way out of town back home.

can this day get any worse?  i don't know, but there are 71 minutes left to it, so let's see what fun things are thrown my way.

if i last that long.  morpheus calls.....

When you came in the air went out.
And every shadow filled up with doubt.
I don’t know who you think you are,
But before the night is through,
I wanna do bad things with you.

I’m the kind to sit up in her room.
Heart sick an’ eyes filled up with gloom.
I don’t know what you’ve done to me,
But I know this much is true:
I wanna do bad things with you.

Bad Things - Jace Everett

today was a bad day.

i try to be positive. i try to avoid negativity. i flee from drama like the plague. but today was overwhelming.

today was my mom's birthday. my sister and i went to visit her. except, she didn't know we were there. she has been in the end stages of alzheimer's for an endless period of time. she is totally unresponsive. she is totally....gone. alive, but gone. and has been for years. this is a horrible, evil, hopeless, dignity-robbing disease. i hate it. i do not understand illness, pain, sickness, disease. oh, i know all the major religions' opinions on why we have illness, pain, sickness, disease. you bet your sweet ass i studied. but all in vain. it's all just plain old SHIT when it comes to seeing a loved one living it.

as i remember the last nine years of her course of this disease, i cannot find one positive thing to say about it. not one.

today we had to go to my dad's house. he passed away almost two years ago. i have not been able to step foot in that house until today. and i was almost physically assaulted by memories as we crossed the threshold. it literally took the breath out of me. but it was all memories. i sensed no presence there. he is gone. his spirit is not lingering. he is in the next realm. i am happy for him, because that's what he wanted and we all heard it for several years. i hope he is at peace. i hope he got his deepest wish, his most heartfelt longing when he passed.

and tomorrow will be another emotionally fraught day on the other side of the state.

i have no shoots coming up in the recent future. this is rare. so very very rare. that means this lily white skin can be bruised, welted, marked, abused, like a virgin canvas. something that has not been possible for a long, long time.

and so.......

i need to play.

i don't just want to play.

i need to play.

i need the blessed relief of rushing endorphins.

i need the blessed dark silence of subspace.

i need the blessed release of emotions that are kept tamped down below the surface before they bubble over in a not-too-pretty way.

i want scars.

i want pain.

i want to FEEL.

the only problem is, i am single. it has been ages since i played with a play partner i can trust, and who shares the same likes i have, and who "gets it." i am out of the loop. i don't recognize 99% of the local players anymore. our tight knit group of long ago yesteryear has grown, changed, evolved, moved forward - as it should be. i was the one who isolated myself. life goes on.

even in the alzheimer's ward, against the predictions of the best of the best the neuropsychiatric world has to offer.  life goes on.  whether we think it should, or not.  whether we want it to, or not.  

today was a bad day.

but life goes on.

my partner in crime is twisting my arm to get me to join her at club deluptous again tomorrow night.  i never would have thought i would have been excited to go to a vanilla bbw nightclub instead of getting flogged at a dungeon, but i always have such a great time there and am seriously tempted to going again tomorrow with her.  would love to see some new and old familiar faces there.  we're a fun group, you'd be welcomed with open arms. 

the 27th of august i will be shooting, but we are shutting down the shoots early (i know, that is so totally unlike us to do that - but this is an exception) so my photographer and i, and perhaps a few of my stunt cocks, will be heading to the love loft in orlando for their monthly BBC night.  my partner in crime will be there to welcome us, if she's not already "otherwise occupied" by the time we get there.  would love to see some of you out there too.  

no bdsm fun for me but my back has been so bad, i am not sure it could have taken it, anyway. 

had a really great weekend last week.  i slept like the dead when i finally made it back home. 

the bbw nightclub in orlando turned out to be a lot of fun.  a few of my SC friends turned out, and we danced and drank and danced and drank and danced some more and drank, and just had a blast.  i decided to go on photo duty and took a bunch of pictures of the merriment.  it was fun to be on the other side of the camera for a change, and capture all the fun for posterity's sake (or blackmail potential heh heh).  

after a few hours sleep we went shopping and i didn't find any treasures but it was still fun.  i think i was in people-watching mode all weekend, and i was more interested in the interactions of the families and couples and singles shopping than i was with anything on the racks or shelves. 

later that evening, we made the long drive up past daytona beach.  the party at the beach house in flagler beach was fun.  the house was absolutely amazing - four stories of breathtaking beauty right on the ocean.  even the roof was incredible, complete with an eight person hot tub.  the owner, a very nice gentleman, graciously offered his home for me to shoot in, any time i like.  i was so excited when he offered that.  and my photographer and i are anxious to take him up on that offer, as my photographer has already shot in his home.

i really didn't feel an attraction for anyone in particular but i did play a little bit...but not much.  i played more billiards than anything, which is always fun for me.  and i spent a lot of time in the nekkid hot tub, which felt wonderful on my back.  my only regret is that it wasn't a full moon - that would have been perfect.  i met a lot of interesting people there, too.  still, no major chemistry with anyone, but a lot of nice people.  i did discover i like chocolate raspberry, blueberry and cherry vodka!  and one guy was sharing his home made moonshine with maraschino cherries soaked in it with me.  surprisingly, none of it really affected me that much and thankfully i didn't have a hangover the next morning!

playa linda was absolutely beautiful sunday.  so picturesque.  i cannot wait to do a sunrise shoot there.  we got there early, before 8 a.m., (less than three hours sleep) and surprisingly, it wasn't very crowded at all.  even though i was in the shade 99% of the time i still got quite a bit of color.  it's gone now but the memories of that gorgeous day won't be.  i relived a bit of my youth and spent some time boogie boarding when the clouds were hiding the sun.  that was a lot of fun.  i forgot how strong that undertow is.  good exercise for the calves.

i dragged my tired ass home and slept for 12 hours straight.

this week was back to the grindstone, but my degenerative disk disease reared it's ugly head and is making that difficult, but i am plugging away.  luckily business was pretty darn good this week and i can ALMOST justify blowing off so much work last weekend!  i had to take off one day, though, and just lay on my recliner, as i wasn't able to move very well at all.

i wanted to get out this weekend - there are several good lifestyle parties i would have liked to attend - but my back is just not allowing it.  

but i do look forward to our next "girl's weekend out". 

it was a learning experience for me.  usually when i go to parties, i am off playing somewhere, and don't get to see what goes on at the parties.  but because i wasn't so busy playing at the beach house party that night, i was able to just sit back and observe.  it was quite interesting.  i wonder what an alien would have thought as he looked around the house, with barbaric and primitive lower animal acts being performed in practically every room in this four story home?  i don't think sodom, gomorrah, or rome at it's most decadent had anything on this party.

one observation struck me over and over again though.  i definitely have come to the conclusion that if you need to drink so much that you can barely stand up, and you bother the people around you with your behavior and you are completely oblivious to the fact that you are being an idiot, and your host has no choice but to rescind his invitation to you for any further parties, you may want to reconsider whether or not the lifestyle is really for you, or not.  you may want to dig within your psyche and find out why you have to make yourself completely inebriated before you engage in certain activities.  are you really doing this activities to enhance your own pleasure?  or are you doing them to please someone else and you really don't want to do them?  are you so uncomfortable with your own self that you have to get rip-roaring drunk to let yourself go?  in the end, the next morning, IF you can recall your behavior, is the shame enough to motivate you to change your behavior next time? 

why are you doing this?  what is your motivation? 

just basic questions.

i tend to always want to know the WHY of things.  why do people do this?  why do i do that?  that party left me wondering about a lot of WHYS.  not about myself.  i think i know myself pretty well to know the WHYS about me personally.  but about other people.  and i think that if we ask ourselves about the WHYS of other people, it can possibly shed some light on the WHYS of ourselves. 

or perhaps the WHY NOTs. 

but it is difficult for me to remain objective, purely objective, and not get judgmental.  i caught myself slipping into the judgmentalism quite a number of times, and i don't like that about myself.  i have to nudge myself back into objectivism. 

i have played when drinking, and i have played completely sober.   i do not think one is better than the other.  i know a lot of people absolutely forbid playing when drinking.  "it is dangerous."  yes, it can be.  no doubt about it.  but i think that adults need to be able to make their own decisions as to when enough is enough.  (that's definitely the libertarian coming out in me!)

and if they can't make that decision wisely, it is a warning that something is wrong. 

possibly very, very wrong.

the hermit is being dragged kicking and screaming out of her safe comfortable hole and off to spend a weekend blowing off work, by cavorting and carousing, seeing old friends, meeting new friends, shopping, a private kick-ass house party (or so i've been told numerous times that it's "K-I-C-K-ASS"), a bbw nightclub party, playa linda for nude beachtime (if emily cooperates), and who knows what else my partner-in-crime will FORCE me to do this weekend!  yes, FORCE me to do against my will!  no, i'm not smiling!  it's a grimace of extreme distress!  hah hah hah.  oh, that glass of wine in my hand?  ummm...i was FORCED to hold it for someone else!  yeah, that's the ticket.  

and i am NOT going to think about all the money i'm losing by taking this time off!  MONEY BE DAMNED!  (well, at least until it's time to pay the car insurance and cell phone bills on tuesday and buy that new tire and get them all balanced and rotated and get an oil change and a rear break job and two new CV joints next week....but that's NEXT WEEK, not THIS WEEKEND!  what did i say?  oh yeah, MONEY BE DAMNED!!!!  BE DAMNED, i say!)

it's been a long time since i've let off so much steam at one time in one long weekend of constant debauchery, but it's long overdue.  and wednesday was a great warm up so i'm up for the task. 

wishing everyone a wonderful weekend, whatever you choose to do.  there are soooo many things to do in this area bdsm-wise.  are we lucky or what?????  and hope emily doesn't interfere with your weekend plans, all you east coast beach people!

had a wonderful day yesterday of public and private play at someone's home afterward.  met some fantastic people and i hope our paths cross again.  soon.

seriously, folks, if you are free during the daytime and can get away on a wednesday, i highly recommend sir steffan's daytime parties.  www.lifestyleexplorers.org

manicure, pedicure, eyebrow wax, hair cut and color, and a few more things done today in the personal grooming department, heh heh heh...yup, i'm getting ready for sir steffan's daytime party tomorrow :-))))  all i am missing is a massage!  maybe some nice handsome strong man will give me one tomorrow after i am bruised and beaten and blissful.  one can only hope....

it's been a great day.  expensive, but all necessary evils.  i feel human again!

many years of happy memories at sir steffan's wednesday daytime parties. like FAMILY!  signed up to go to this wednesday's and next wednesday's. hope to see many old friends there & make new ones too

my fetcon roommies had to cancel.  am looking for drama-free and smoke-free roomies.  please contact me asap.

thanks!

just had the most delightful conversation with a voice from the past. 

back around 10 or 11 years ago when i was married and living in the melbourne area, my ex would let me swing and see people in the bdsm life style.  he was vanilla.  he tried to understand and be a part of who i was, but it just wasn't wired up in him.

so i was on alt dot com and bondage dot com (don't even know if collarme was around then,  f**life wasn't) - that was in the day when they were totally free - and i met some really really great people.  one of them was a dominant from down by port st. lucie.

m was, and still is, different from any other man i have ever met.  dominance is not an act, is not roleplay, is not a game.  it's just who he is.  he is just wired up that way.  and just like me, he will not settle for a vanilla relationship because he knows this is who he is, and who he has to be, and to be happy, you must be true to yourself in this regard.

and i responded to his innate dominance from the very first moment i met him.  

i always felt safe, secure, protected, and oh so feminine and submissive when i was with him.

we had some great scenes.

he reminded me on the phone today of a scene i had long forgotten. 

i wanted to be truly overpowered, tied up and sexually dominated.  m was very athletic - he worked at a school and had access to a great gym and used it almost every day. 

he was one of the few people i've met who took a person at their word.  when i said i wanted to be overpowered, he did it.  he warned me i might get hurt.  he warned me it was dangerous.  he warned me that in order to truly overpower me, things may happen that i may not like.

he was practicing RACK before i had even ever heard it.  how long has RACK been around?  i don't know, but we were doing it.

and so he did my fantasy.  he overpowered me.  it was not pretty.  it was not pleasant.  it was not the fodder you read in the romance novels.  it was brutal.  it was rough and hard and painful and loud and primal and OH MY GAWD I WAS SO FUCKING TURNED ON.

there i was, tied up on the floor in his living room, having my pulsing, throbbing womanhood being pounded away by a primal masculine force of nature, when the front door was being pounded upon.  m got up, went to the door, looked outside, and opened the door.  there was a police man in the doorway asking what was going on?  neighbors had called to complain.  he came in and saw me flushed, bound, obviously in the middle of being soundly fucked, and asked me if i was OK.  i said, "Oh hell yeah!!" with a grin on my face.  m unbound me and i got up and put something over me, and the officer asked me questions and said i could walk out there with him right now and i wouldn't have to worry about a thing.  i knew what he meant...he was giving me a way to get out of the situation protected if m was truly abusing me.  i smiled and said, "no, you've done your job, you can leave now so we can continue!  have a good day, i know i am!" 

ahhh....good times....

i need to take a visit down to that area again soon....real soon....

as i was typing this, i was just reminded of another scene we did - involving needles and a blow torch...but that's another story!

made it home safe and sound from an excellent weekend of absolutely amazing shoots.  i am so excited with the content we got.  be watching for it on my websites.  i shot with some pretty incredible people.

i am exhausted, but in a very good way!  

it's official.  i'm going to fetcon.  http://www.fetishcon.com/modellist.html i'm waaaay at the bottom of the page.  nervous, excited, scared.  hoping this huge dog bite heals in time and the huge purple bruise fades. 

i'm serious when i say i'll be the one in the corner with the deer-in-headlights look.  if you go, please come join me in my corner, pet my forehead, and give me a hug.  i'll be needing them.  in case people think i am aloof in social situations, i'm not.  i'm actually very nervous in big social settings like that if i have never been to a certain venue before.  so please come say hi.  me luv you long long time.

hugs,

sammieSC2

good news/bad news day.

good news - my alter ego had five bookings today.

bad news - not gonna say - close friends can message me and ask if you really wanna know.  yeah, it's pretty bad.

good news - one booking brought me a bottle of ice wine as a gift.  never had it before and i love it.

(OK too tired to continue doing good news and bad news in different colors)

bad news - i got a big huge bite on the thigh by a dog this afternoon.  a big huge dog.  with big huge fangs.

good news - today a colleague gave me a beautiful 100% leather dress that FITS ME!!!!

bad news - i had to cancel the final two bookings after the dog bit me and lost a lot of money. 

good news - two of my new bookings gave me very positive feedback in follow up emails and say they will rebook me and recommend me.

bad news - i have shoots all this weekend and i have MAJOR bruising and MAJOR swelling in my thigh.  and i already paid a lot of money for the rental location.  non-refundable. 

good news - my business cards specially printed for fetishcon arrived today and i love them

bad news - i'm too old for all this activity in one day.  i HURT!

good news - i can take it easy tomorrow to recuperate.

bad news - i'm STILL bleeding from the dog bite, six hours later.

good news - after today, i can afford the uninsured medical bills if i do have to go get stitches. 

bad news - i sure as hell don't wanna spend money on stitches when there's gorgeous leather corsets i wanna buy for fetishcon!

good news - a number of years ago, i would only see the negative and not the positive in a day like today.  it's nice to know my tantra mentor's constant encouragement about positive thinking may be, just may be, helping. 

and this completes this episode of good news/bad news.

i remember back in seventh grade i had my first experience with public school.  it was so much different than sheltered, structured, rigid catholic school. 

my parents had given up everything and moved from chicago to florida to own a restaurant in a small little town called lutz back in the 1970s (which has exploded with subdivisions and strip malls over the years - the orange groves and cow pastures are loooong gone).  the recession started to hit, a new restaurant opened up a block away, and my parents' life savings was being drained away, month by month. 

no longer could they afford to send us to catholic school, so i went to my very first public school.  wow.  what an eye opener.  talk about social upheaval. 

plus this was the era of bussing.  we were bussed from rural lutz to downtown tampa.  i was now with cultures on a daily basis that i had never been in contact with before in my life. 

but that's all another story for another time.

today i was reminded of a girl, lorelei.  lorelei was only in seventh grade but she already exuded this intense sexual energy.  she would flirt with the cutest P.E. coach shamelessly and everybody knew he was doing his darndest not to encourage her.  but wow, she was a beauty.  i don't think the high school coaches in her future years would have stood a chance.  short, petite, olive skinned, deep brown eyes, long brunette hair down to her butt, hair kissed by the sun - natural highlights, not the fake kind you get at the beauty shop now.  she didn't have much in the chest department yet but her ass and her legs were to die for, with a flat tummy and the longest eyelashes.  she was so open and friendly and laughed all the time.  the boys flocked to her like molasses. 

i was in awe of her.

i had never seen such an exquisite example of femininity in someone my own age. 

and i was nothing like her. 

but i wished i was.

one day we were in the locker room changing into our monkey suits, the horrible one piece outfits they made us wear to P.E.  i hated it because i was already very tall for my age, very longwaisted, and they didn't make the monkey suits in tall sizes, so it was very uncomfortable for me as the monkey suit was designed for a short to average sized person.  and my mom was a die-hard sears and JCPenney shopper, probably because that was what she could afford with the restaurant slowly draining us dry of money (there was no wal-mart back then!), and i was always embarrassed by the stupid clothes she bought for me, which looked like what a buyer in her doting matron state would buy her great granddaughter.  everyone else around me wore "cool" clothes.  like shorts.  and jeans.  yeah, i was not allowed to wear shorts or jeans to school!  my mom was weird. 

and my underwear.  oh god, it was the ugliest underwear you could buy a girl.  white briefs that seemed to go up to my chest and were saggy in the butt.  the bras weren't much better.  uglier than cross-your-heart bras.  nothing dainty or feminine or sexy about it.  purely functional. 

lorelei was in a great mood, as usual, and was changing into her monkey suit.  there was the usual locker room chatter and gossiping.  but through all the din, you could hear lorelei say, clear as a bell, "ooooooohhhh I feel so GOOD today cuz (and here she broke out in a sing-song voice) I'M WEARING MY PRETTY NEW UNDERWEAR!!!!"  i looked over at her and sure enough, she was wearing a pretty new bra and bikini panty set and she looked so happy and totally in love with life.  i remember thinking, "wow, i never knew anyone got excited over new underwear."

i will never forget that.

it wasn't until years later that i embraced my own sexuality and discovered the delight of things sensual..........such as new underwear.  new, sexy underwear. 

i thought of that today because i stopped by a store yesterday to celebrate a wonderful windfall from that afternoon, made a few purchases, and now my alter ego is on the way out the door to work in st. pete all day and guess what?

(in a sing-song voice) "I'M WEARING MY PRETTY NEW UNDERWEAR!!!!"

life is good.

never thought an ex-suburban ex-4x-per-week-churchgoing housewife with a 4/2 riverfront pool home, 2.3 cars and 3.2 children (all legal adults now!!!) would ever relate to a rap song but...stranger things have happened.

Dead and Gone - T.I. feat. Justin Timberlake

No more stress, now I'm straight,
Now I get it, now I take
Time to think, before I make
Mistakes just for my family's sake
That part of me left yesterday
The heart of me is strong today
No regrets I'm blessed to say
The old me dead and gone away

I turn my head to the East
I don't see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the West
Still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the North
Swallow that pill that they call pride
That old me is dead and gone
But that new me will be alright cuz

Oh (eyyy)
I've been travellin' on this road too long (too long)
Just tryna find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone
And oh (eyyy)
I've been travellin' on this road too long (too long)
Just tryna find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone, dead and gone

i've been reading a lot of biographies and listening to the music of the very popular rap and hip hop players.  which is weird because i've never liked hip hop all that much and i never really heard a rap song i like.  but lately, a lot of the songs won't get out of my brain.

of course, anything with eminem sticks in my braincells, and his collaborations with dr. dre made me learn more about dre.  but the one song that keeps sticking in my brain from them is "call me a doctor" with skylar grey.  

all my life i've been this surburban white girl in the surburban white neighborhood, as white as white bread, then i was the suburban white mom in the suburban white neighborhood.  i was never a soccer mom but i sure was a little league mom complete with mini van. 

i never really knew or understood the cultures of others around me.  but as my work causes me to get more and more involved with other cultures, i find my interests are expanding and i realize what a confining bubble i've lived in for so many years.  a tiny, little enveloping bubble.  and my hard rock and metal music never came anywhere near the grittiness of reality living in the streets of compton.  or harlem.  or detroit.  while metallica sang of monsters under the bed or whiskey in a jar-o, rap was singing about dealing heroin and real life monsters gunning each other down.  quite a contrast from my whiter than white world.  only lately have people like nikki sixx in his heroin diaries showed us white folks what it could be like, but then again, nikki sixx was shooting up in his several million dollar mansion and not in an alley in the hood. 

i knew there was drama and gangs and betrayal and heartbreak and the glorification of crime in the gangsta rap genre but as i'm learning the stories behind the lyrics, it's like a real-life soap opera - except in a soap opera the character dies off and sometimes is brought back to life again or a twin appears or some other twist from the mind of a writer, or the actor just goes on to another soap. no, these people who died in the rap world are still dead.  no resurrection for them.

i've also read about eazy-e and ice t and ice cube and tupac and snoop dog and NWA and more who escape my mind right now, and the thought keeps coming back to this:  some of these guys made it out.  they climbed out of a life of poverty and crime and hatred by their music.  gotta love america for that opportunity.  or the smart eye of a mentor who saw potential in them and propelled them out of the street and into a recording studio. 

but others didn't make it out.  they were cut down before their time.  and they no longer have a chance.  

sure, rock 'n roll lost a lot of good people - hendrix, joplin, moon, bonham and many more...but that was from their own addictions.  their own choices. 

they didn't get murdered.  

this is not good reading material for me right now as i find myself coming off the end of a manic phase and slipping into a depressive phase.  so, from now on, no more biographies, no more fascinating rap songs with real-life soap opera drama, no more 3 a.m. ponderings over why fate allowed this one to make it while killing that one.  or why a millionaire can't find happiness except for that moment when a needle gets stuck in the vein. 

i'm going back to deuter, deep forest, sacred spirit, amethystium. delerium, et al. until this cycle of depression finishes.

well, maybe except for those times i just can't stop my fingertips from clicking on "i need a doctor" and "love the way you lie"!

insomnia takes my head to dark places.

and an obsession with eminem isn't helping.

Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk
I told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed, I'll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time. There won't be no next time
I apologize even though I know its lies
I'm tired of the games I just want you back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
Im'a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire
I'm just gonna

i have never seen a plus sized shibari model in a professional shoot.  until now.  it's about damn time.

http://www.hikarikesho.com/ita/portfolio.php?pageNum_images=1&totalRows_images=30&cat=1⊂=0&sl=5

my latest photo update (#207)  made staff picks today on southern-charms.  this is like five or six weeks in a row i've made staff picks.  it's very validating, to see my videos in the top 20 best selling of the day or week, consistently, and then make staff picks with every new update.  there are 775 girls on SC now, and i am just amazed that this fat, old frump is catching the eye of some editor wherever the heck they are.  and i really do have a blast when i shoot.  it's a lot of work, before, during and after, it really is, but it's all worth it. 

i'm going to fetish con this year.  i heard about the very first one years ago and just didn't see why i should go.  i was into S&M (sadomasochism), not fetishes.  and i felt that there were only the "Stand & Model" types of S&M people there.  but now, working in this industry, i realize i've been very stupid and judgmental for not going and building contacts all these years. 

i'm nervous about going, as i've never been before.  and i am going solo.  which is always terrifying for me.  but i remember when i went all the way to pennsylvania in 2005 to go to camp crucible, put on by the crucible in washington DC, and i had such a fantastic time, even though i went solo.  i just have to keep reminding myself about how powerful and positive that was, instead of going into a panic attack because i am in a huge place with hundreds of strangers, alone.  already my heart is racing and my head is pounding thinking about it.

but put me in a nudist colony with hundreds of strangers all walking around butt naked together, and i am totally comfortable with that.  go figure.

i need a few outfits for fetcon.  any suggestions of plus sized fetishwear online?

it's amazing what time will do as far as perspective. 

i've changed.  wow, have i changed.   i can say that for sure now.  and i am happy i am who i am now.

yet, i can't say that for others.

never believe a leopard can change his spots.  the predator will always come out when there is hope of making the kill.

and never underestimate the power of the libido - don't fool yourself by thinking you are keeping him on your chain because you spread your legs for him...it doesn't matter how happy you think you are keeping your man at home - wanderers will wander, no matter what. 

very proud today - made southern-charms's staff picks four weeks in a row with today's update - my first bondage photo set to ever make staff picks for me :-)))

off to brevard county for quick visit with family at the crack o' dawn tomorrow.  must sleep....must sleep.....must sleep.....

wanna take a long-awaited detour on the way home but not sure where i'll end up yet ;-)

to any friend who may wonder if i've dropped off the face of the earth in the next few days:

i'll be housesitting in a place where my cell phones typically have no coverage.  if you need to reach me, best to email, instead of call :-)

yesterday my sister and i had to euthanize my mom's dog.  i've known her since she was an itty bitty little puppy 17 years ago.  i must say the vet performed it beautifully and so humanely, both for the dog and for the humans in the room.  i think the last time i cried so hard was when my father passed away.

then we visited mom in the alzheimer's facility.  coincidentally, my mom's dog also developed dementia and followed the same path of symptoms as my mom.

for the first time in years, my mom looked at me directly in the eye yesterday.  there was no hint of recognition (there hasn't been in years) whatsoever but she smiled just the teeniest bit of a smile, and held my gaze for a few moments.  then her eyes clouded over again, and that fleeting moment was gone.  poof.

it hit me so hard, so very very hard, the thought of, "oh mom, i would give anything if we could just spend one more day together where you KNEW me and could actually utter words again and we could actually TALK to each other again and you could understand somebody's words again and you could still walk, and we would take a walk around the lake again..."  all that flashed through my head during that brief moment.  it's so sad because that will never happen.

and today would have been my dad's birthday.  my sister and i would have run up to L o L to bring him his favorite dinner of barbequed pulled pork and corn on the cob and green beans, and he would have given half of the pork to the dog even though we would bring her her own pulled pork sandwich just because he knew she loved it so much...that's just the way he was.  he would have literally given you the shirt off his back if you needed it.  well, my mom would have insisted she launder it and iron it first...with starch.  

and then after we all finished our pulled pork he would say, "you guys ARE going to visit mom now, right?"  of course we were, but he needed to make sure mom would have two more pairs of eyes looking out for her at the facility, if only for a few hours.

it's been a rough few days but i gotta say, orgasm definitely helps beat depression.  i worked on niteflirt today (even though my eyes are swollen bad from all the crying but thank goodness for makeup, and not one customer made mention of it, bless their hearts) and almost outdid my previous record.  yes, that means a lot of orgasms.  my sink is full of toys that need to be cleaned.  the sheets will be changed as soon as i finish typing this.  the best part is i made enough green to keep my kitties happily ensconced in whiskas' best offerings for months to come.  and that's what matters, right?

but thanks to my line of work, i also definitely feel much better now vs. when i logged in to work earlier today.  just think....if they could bottle up the feeling of orgasm and put it in a pill.  i'd take that over cymbalta any day, that's for sure.

today must have been "national servicemen call a webcam line day" because the majority of guys who called me were in the service.  mostly army.  and i learned what a warrant officer is.   soldiers are usually so polite and so easy to please.  and some of them are really, really delightfully kinky. 

i love making a soldier's day.  especially the dominant ones ;-)  and most especially, the really, really, REALLY dominant ones :-)  one guy had me on a 94 minute call and let me tell you...by the time we were done, i was ready to sing, "The Army Goes Rolling Along" from the rooftops.  wowzers.  this guy brought a whole new meaning to the term, "special forces units."

i hope to do it again tomorrow.  maybe i'll be lucky and it's actually "national servicemen call a webcam line weekend."

definitely gotta recharge the phone and the bluetooth first!

monday, tuesday and wednesday i have a special gig that i will enjoy doing very much.  will report on that when it's done.

wishing everyone a wonderful weekend.

someone at southern-charms likes me.  and that's fine with me.  my photo set #205 made staff picks yesterday.  it was a great storyline.  the video should be up live soon. 

today i am going with my sister to put my mom's dog down.  this is the end of an era.  it's going to be a very difficult day.

was told by my gal pal that my photo set #204, in vinyl mini dress and 6" vinyl boots made staff picks june 2.  yay!  definitely gotta wear vinyl more :-)

what have i done?

my gal pal and partner in crime thought it would be fun if we joined this site where we get booked for parties to do a lesbian show on each other.  i was all down for that!  http://www.centerfoldstrips.com/Entertainers/Talent-Details.aspx?id=3435  i get paid to have fun with my bodacious bisexual babe?  sign me up!

but then somehow i got talked into this.

http://www.centerfoldstrips.com/Entertainers/Talent-Details.aspx?id=3427

what was i thinking????

i have my first solo gig in land o lakes this saturday.  solo.  without my gal pal.  without my partner in crime.

i got my music.  i got my costume.  i got my 6" stripper boots.  i got my "driver" (aka bodyguard).  the only problem is, I CAN'T DANCE!  seriously.  i suck at dancing.  if i move my lower body, my upper body has to stay still.  if i move my arms or chest or shoulders or head, my brain would start to fry if i dare try to move my legs and feet.  i have two left feet and i'm clumsy and very uncoordinated. 

fifteen guys, the birthday boy, one wife, and a bbw stripper who can't dance.

this is gonna be veeerrrrrry interesting.

are you looking for your very own BBW phat azz stripper who can't dance?  book her now at http://www.centerfoldstrips.com/Entertainers/Talent-Details.aspx?id=3427

just, please, don't laugh.

i'm heading out to mardi gras lounge in st. pete friday, a bbw strip club, to get a crash course on bbw stripping.  wish me luck!  or better yet, join me there for some moral support!

amazing, simply amazing.

did you ever have someone say "no" to you, or at least, "not now" to you, in a way that was so beautiful and so affirming and so heartwarming and so positive, it made you cry from the sheer beauty of such touching words?

well i just did, for the first time in my life.

wow!  i never thought i would feel this good to be "rejected"  :-)))

and it just makes me respect him even more.

he should sell that talent of "tact with style" on here and would make a fortune in the process.

nicely done, very very nicely done. 

i was just emailing back and forth with someone and just had to quote myself.

"vanilla sex is like having chicken and dumplings, but there aren't any dumplings!"

yes, you can quote me but you must give me credit LOL!

Happy Memorial Day!

To all soldiers who served our country, THANK YOU.  To all who have fallen, may you have a special place in the afterworld for your sacrifice.

the love loft was fun.  i won't go into detail because i have mixed feelings about a few things that happened, but for the most part, i enjoyed myself.  one really nice treat was that a very generous man there was giving away free massages.  he was very very good.  it was different than a professional massage because it was in the middle of a living room where people were coming and going and starting up a conversation with me while i was on the table.  but i was still able to relax and enjoy his strokes on my muscles and the bones that hurt.  i felt so spoiled.  between the hot tub, the "activities" and the massage, my back was feeling very good.  almost pain free.  not quite, but almost.  the endorphins floating through my body due to the "activities" surely didn't hurt.  and yeah, some of the positions for those "activities" were the very same positions my chiropractor gave me for exercises many years ago.  go figure!

met a fascinating man who is a career navy man - i could tell you what he does, but then i'd have to kill you....heh heh.  he was....how to put this politely?....a rose among the thorns!  we spent most of the night together and it was unforgettable.  i hope our paths cross again some day.

got home safely...was tempted to take a detour and stop in at the woodshed, but it was past 4 a.m.  finally fell asleep at 6 a.m.  had three hours of sleep and got up this morning to spend a wonderful day with my tantra mentor.  yes, i blew off work on niteflirt.  but i made more than enough a few days ago to justify it.  i sincerely want to thank all the horny bbw lovers out there who support us internet adult bbw entertainers.  thanks to you, i took my tantra mentor out to breakfast, and then we shopped at black market minerals in old town in kissimmee. had a blast.  we spent FOUR HOURS in there.  no joke. 

she bought three huge geodes and i bought several small things (actually stayed $30 under budget, yay!)  but there's a $127 amethyst geode i have my eye on.  it's calling me.  the energy was so strong, i put my hand in it, and my hand felt like it was going close to an oven.  i switched hands and got the same reaction.  i closed my eyes, and put one hand in, then the other, back and forth, and kept getting the heat.  so i know this one is for me.  also had fun with pendulum dowsing.  one pendulum kept giving me the same answers over and over again.  i didn't buy it though.  i am going to come back in about a month and if both the geode and the pendulum are still there, i know it's really meant to be.

we went next door to a new metaphysical shop but i didn't buy anything.  nothing really called to me.  i heard a reader do a reading for a gentleman, but didn't feel any connection with her, so i declined a reading. 

i really want to go to cassadaga soon to find a good reader.  anyone want to join me?

then we got back to her place.  she is a nudist so we were out of our clothes within thirty seconds of the door closing!  we took a delightful dip in her pool (totally privacy fenced, thank goodness), where i continued swimming lessons for her two sweet dogs, and sat in the hot tub for a while and just talked and talked and talked and talked.  after we were prunes, i headed home after multiple hugs and kisses from humans and doggies alike.

and had a delicious sub from subway - they got this new chicken/cranberry/raisin mix that is to die for!

and my cats are ignoring me because i was unfaithful to them by petting dogs.

so here it is, almost midnight, and i'm wide awake.  was offered the chance to go to cin city, a swing club in seffner, but i declined, because i thought i would be dead on only three hours of sleep.  and i did get tired and laid down for a nap when he called, but i couldn't fall asleep.  i should have just went to the club with him!

i thought he meant SIN city, a gentleman's nightclub, but i was wrong, it's CIN city, a swinger's club.  ooops.  if i'm going to go to a gentleman's club, it's going to be mardi gras, in st. pete, where it's all BBW ladies doing the shows.  YAY!!!!

i also recommend club deluptous for you bbw dance club enthusiasts, in orlando.  had fun there with a fellow partner in crime a few months ago.  started out slow but really got fun after 11 pm.

tomorrow i'm going to hit the webcam work hard.  looks like i'll be out of town most of the week so i gotta makez da moniez fore shore. 

if this manic phase of the bipolar continues, i'll be able to work 21 hours per day!  heh heh heh.

hope everyone is having a SAFE weekend.  friday, there were 9 cars pulled over by police on I-4 between auburndale and altamonte springs.  last night, seven between auburndale and SR429/  today i counted four between the same stretch.  be careful out there, local peeps. 

i've decided the next time i get into the manic phase of bipolar, i am going to hit the woodshed, lifestyle explorers, fetish circuit, and every other bdsm party that's having an event when i'm cycling high.  it's been far too long.  i think what is holding me back is that i am not the same person i was before.  i was a hardcore masochist, happiest when there was blood streaming from my ass from needles, tacks, singletails, ass cheeks totally covered in purple and red marks, not a flesh colored area to be seen.  ...and now my pain level is nowhere near where it used to be.  it's very very difficult for me to watch a good hardcore bdsm scene and know i may never be able to feel that beautiful, soul-scorching, pulsating, throbbing, enlivening, endorphin racing, delicious pain like that again.  i may be a masochist at heart, but i don't like to emotionally or mentally hurt myself like that.

my partner-in-crime and VERY bad influence, edenSC4, is dragging me kicking and screaming to the love loft in orlando tonight.  if anyone wants to meet up there, give me a holler.  i'll be the one sitting in the corner twiddling my thumbs ;-)

i have to give my photographer kudos.  he did one of the BEST photo shoots ever, after 14 months of working together.

http://www.southern-charms2.com/sammie/fotos203.htm

scroll down to the bottom for the wet set with me in a bathtub wearing a white blouse and denim shorts.

I don't talk about it much because I tend to want to dwell on positive things and not give negative things power over me.  But lately my degenerative disk disease has really been acting up bad.  To the point where I am almost always in pain.  It never really goes away all the way.  It's always there, in every bend-and-twist movement, in every cough, in every attempt to get out of a chair, to remind me it's there. 

In fact, I've been having to spend more and more nights sleeping in my recliner instead of my very comfortable pillowtop bed that I absolutely love. 

My sister said, "You need to be realistic and admit the fact that YOU ARE DISABLED!!!"

I have not gotten to that point yet, and I hope I never will.

But...I've gotten to the point where I am going to hire a housecleaner, at her constant insistence. 

So I've gotten bids online and am going to have people come over and tell me if they want the job or not, after I've had a chance to see if they are good or not.  And, I have to find someone who is not intimidated by webcams all over and sex toys all over and a long shoe rack with three tiers of 6" stripper heels, and an industrial sized double clothesrack of stripper clothes in my bedroom.  

Easier said than done.  Especially in the biggest belt loop of the Bible Belt in Central Florida. 

But I digress.

So, what does the normal female do before someone comes over and cleans her house?

Come on, you know the answer to this.  Every female who has ever been in this situation knows the answer to this.

Yep, I started cleaning before the housecleaner came.  Why?  I don't know.  I think it's in our DNA.  It's shameful to us to have someone see something so intimate as the box of 12-pack chocolate snac-pac pudding in our garbage or the microwave that stinks of cooked salmon when you open it up. 

So there I was, picking up the clutter, moving heavy things, organizing this, rearranging that, and when I went to pick up the Sybian box and it's many attachments from the middle of my living room, I felt my back twinge.  

By the time I moved it to where it needed to be, the twinge turned into a bad spasm.  By the time I got to my recliner, the back was throbbing in pain.  I spent 15 minutes using the shiatsu cushion to try to get the muscle to stop spasming, and then added ice to the mix. 

To make a long story short, my back is out.  I'm not going anywhere today.  Maybe even tomorrow.  Was supposed to shoot with a friend coming from out of town this weekend and not even sure if I can do that.  I've turned down several social outings that I've really been looking forward to, and a much awaited trip to Cypress Cove nudist club in Kissimmee. 

Chronic pain and chronic disease sucks.  I am tired of it.  I'm waiting for the magic fairy to wave her magic wand and give me that 22 year old body again.  Before the disks started disintegrating.  Before it got to the point where it takes me a good minute to get out of my car.  Before getting in and out of a restaurant booth is a major undertaking.  Before getting up from a beach lounger chair close to the sand requires a crane.  It's not pretty.  It sure as hell is not glamorous. 

And it is daily life for me.

And I probably won't talk about it for another year. 

Because I hate to acknowledge it and I hate to admit when it's winning. 

But on days like today when I see my week's plans shot to hell, I have to give it it's 15 minutes of fame and just BITCH ABOUT IT.

There. 

I feel better now.

And let's not even get into the borderline personality disorder, the bipolar type II, the major depression recurrent and the anxiety disorder not otherwise specified.

i had to log into a very old email address to find something, and came across this story i wrote over ten years ago at the request of a dom with whom i fell deeply in love.  in fact, if he asked me to do anything, ANYTHING, to this day, i would do it in a heartbeat.  there have only been three people in my life who have inspired such deep feelings of love, slavehood, and submission.  he was one of them.  if you ever read this, i hope you know how thankful i am you are in my life.

enjoy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
it had been a long time.  far too long.  her skin was
literally crawling with the memory of a touch of a
whip, the sting of a cane, the smack of a crop.  it
was in her blood.  not just a whim or a diversion.  it
was part of her now.

he told her to meet at his place as usual, but there
was a twist this time.  instead of coming up, he told
her to wait in the lobby after she buzzed his unit.

all the way driving to his place she wondered what he
had in store.  why the change of method.  what devious
thing had he thought up this time?  she shivered even
though it was a warm sunny day.  she knew what his
mind could conjure up.  whatever it was, she knew she
would love it.  her thighs trembled and she could feel
moisture all ready beginning to form between her legs.

she pulled into his parking area and with a mixture of
trepidation and rampaging excitement, went to the
lobby and dialed his number.  his voice was like silk
as he answered, and told her he would be right down.

it only took him a few minutes to get down but it
seemed liked time dragged out ridiculously.  when he
finally got down to the lobby, she was surprised to
see him for the first time in jeans.  she had never
seen him so casual, only in work clothes - smartly
pressed slacks and crisp dress shirts.  she wanted
to ask him to turn around so she could see his
backside, but knew that would be impertinent.

as always, he drew her to him and held her tight with
a big hug, and as always, her chest was crushed to his
strong chest, and as always, she could feel her
nipples harden in response to the pressure.  it was
all ready beginning, this little dance of sexual
build-up he could effortlessly create in her.  she
snaked her arms around him and moved her hands up his
lean back to the nape of his neck, where she loved to
feel the soft baby curls of his hair, running her
fingers through it, and pressed herself into his
groin, feeling him through his jeans.

he let her go and took her by the hand, leading her to
his vehicle and she followed like a mindless idiot,
imagining where they were going, coming up with all
sorts of scenarios, and knowing the uncertainty of it
all was half the fun.

they were well on the road before she came out of her
fantasies and back to reality, and realized they were
heading north, towards titusville, where she had just
previously been that weekend on an afternoon hike.  it
was different up there...lots of pine trees, dunes,
hilly terrain, unlike the flat land where she lived.

there wasn't much talk but there didn't need to be.
the car was surging with sexual tension and energy
inside.  there was no need to talk because each knew
what was expected of the other, and how this day would
end.  she knew that she would give herself to his
dominance, body and soul.  and she knew that he would
take care of her gift of submission to him, but while
doing so, he knew just how to push her limits and give
her that pain which she craved, that pain which
eventually turned into pleasure, pleasure unlike
anyone in the vanilla world could ever comprehend.  it
was a wonderful balance and an exquisite symbiosis
that two such like-minded kink people could give to
each other.

they pulled into a driveway off route 405 by u.s. 1
into a little known primitive hiking sanctuary.  it
was rarely visited and during the weekdays it was
almost deserted except for the host manning the hiking
station.  the parking lot only held their car and the
host's car.

she glanced over at him while he was getting out of
the car, and noticed that little gleam he gets in his
eye when his mind is cooking up wonderful things to
do.  that caused a shimmer of hormones to race through her
body, giving it a little shudder.  suddenly it was
very warm outside.

they strolled to the hiking station, and she
half-listened to his pleasant banter with the host,
her eyes glued to his hands as he accepted the map
from the host, knowing what those long slender fingers
were capable of doing.  the host was going into a long
spiel of which insects were out today, and what
wildlife they could expect to encounter along the
trails, but she knew the only wildlife she was going
to encounter was what was discreetly tucked into those
jeans of his.

finally, the host ended her speech and after politely
thanking her, the couple headed off down the farthest
trail.  she realized without a doubt he intended to
take her down the magnolia trail, as it was the
farthest, and the only way to get to it was by the one
they were starting on.

as they hit the treeline, they had to walk single
file.  it was a very primitive hiking trail, barely
marked, and not enough room for side-by-side walking.
finally she got to see what she was wanting to see.
he of course took the lead and she had a perfect view
of his ass.

that kept her mind occupied for many long minutes
until they finally reached a place where the trail
widened into a pine needle-covered walkway big enough
for side by side walking.  he took her hand in his and
drew her to his side.  they walked together
contentedly in silence, smelling the trees, the
spores, the dirt, the sand, the leaves, the animals.
her senses became more alive in the quiet of the
forest.  no cars could be heard.  birds were off in
the distance and there wasn't even a humming of
insects.  all she could hear was his breathing next to
her.  it was all-encompassing and drew her focus
totally on him.

they walked for a long time, the sun sometimes
overhead, but usually a canopy of trees covering the
trail, keeping them in shadow, which contributed to
the illusion that they were all alone.

eventually they emerged at a trail crossroads, and
indeed he did pick the magnolia trail.  she realized
they must have been walking for at least a half hour
now, in silence, just enjoying each other's company,
and she certainly enjoying the view when the trail
narrowed and she had to walk behind him again.

by the time they reached the farthest end of the
magnolia trail, there was a slight sheen of
perspiration on her, and she didn't know if it was
from heat and exertion, or from anticipation.

they were alone.  they both knew it.  for a long time
now they both had been listening for signs of other
hikers.  there were none.  no voices, no tell-tale
rustling of leaves on the trail.

there was a little-used side trail off to the right
and she knew he intended to use it.  just as she
thought he was reaching out his hand to pull her down
it, instead, she found herself pulled down to a wooden
bench she didn't even notice was there.  they sat side
by side on the bench and he pulled her into his chest.
she could hear his heart beating strong and regular
under his t-shirt, and moved herself closer to him,
her thighs pressing into his muscular thighs.  his
arms slipped around her and she closed her eyes to
just experience it.  the silence was beautiful.  the
sun peaking through the leaves overhead caused little
pinpricks of heat on her skin.  his breath was making
her ear tickle.  and little by little, his hand wound
around her to her front, and up her shirt, and under
her bra.

she had an involuntary intake of breath as his fingers
reached her nipple and pinched it softly at first,
then more and more intensely.  she immediately felt
the wetness between her legs as he continued to pull
and pinch her nipple.  she felt her lower lips start
to pulsate with desire.

his hands must have known what they were causing in
her, as they followed a trail down her front.  he
eased one hand into her loose-fitting shorts and
easily found her.  she wasn't embarrassed by the
wetness there; to her it was a unspoken testimony of
what he could bring out in her.

his fingers played with her, slowly rubbing her little
nub, and easily gliding into her, in and out, in and
out, back and forth, then returning to the nub.  she
started to moan, and her hips started rocking up
against the finger as it entered her, wanting more.
she was so wet and so wanting to be fucked by him.
she wondered if he knew just how much she wanted him
in her.  but she knew it was his timetable, not hers,
and she would have to wait.  that made it all the more
sweeter.

just when she thought she would moan so loud and beg
him to fuck her, he drew her up by the hand.  she
hadn't even noticed he had rose up all ready, so
engrossed was she in the sensations he was causing
within her.

she eagerly took his hand, wanting nothing more than
to follow him down whatever path he took her,
figuratively and literally, as long as he would ease
this inside her and bring her to completion.

as they walked she was mindful of the dripping wetness
between her legs, the constant tingling of her sex as
she followed him down the almost invisible primitive
path.  and if almost by design, they were led out into
a small clearing.  on the ground was a natural blanket
of oak leaves.  all around were tall palmettos, which
would shield them from view oy kept
close to the ground.

finally, after what seemed like hours, she heard his
voice again.  "take off your clothes, and lay on the
ground on your stomach, with your legs spread and your
arms spread.  i will be back in a minute."

she nodded her understanding and wanted very much to
look into his deep brown eyes for assurance before he
left, but that wasn't permitted.  she kept her eyes on
the ground and waiting until she heard his footsteps
leave the clearing.

she silently got undressed, folding her clothes as she
went along, leaving them in a little pile at the edge
of the clearing, glad she had put her hair up today as
the thought of brushing out oak leaves wasn't very
appealing, and laid down on the natural carpet, and
did as he had instructed.

she spread her legs out, and spread her arms out.
this was so exciting and the waiting was a torture in
itself and she felt herself getting even more wet.
the leaves were raspy on her nipples and the sun was
making spotted contact with her backside.  she knew
she was completely vulnerable out here, and that
anyone could come along and have instant view and
access of the most private parts of her.

she heard footsteps and for a second there was fear
that it wasn't him, but knew better than to look, for
that was forbidden.  but when she felt someone
kneeling down next to her, and felt strong hands start
massaging her neck and shoulders, she knew from past
touch that without a doubt it was him.

it was heaven, being out in the garden again, having
one on one contact with a man, all alone in creation,
as the strong fingers and hands worked their way all
over her body.  she was completely and utterly relaxed
when she heard the first sound of hammering.

she opened one eye and looked towards the source of
the hammering.  there he was, pounding a small stake
of a long strong oak tree limb into the ground with a
big rock.  he did it three more times and as she
realized that each stake was directly next to an
extremity of hers, she started to shiver.

from his pockets were pulled four lengths of soft
cotton rope.  she hadn't noticed them in his front
pockets.  they were a small enough width to go
undetected in somewhat baggy jeans.

she quickly found herself staked out spreadeagle in
the middle of the wilderness.  and she felt completely
helpless and completely vulnerable and completely
without volition... and completely alive.

she heard his clothes being shed behind her, and dared
not to look though she could imagine what his body
looked like.  she remembered his long strong legs, his
lean waist, his perfectly shaped butt, his wide
shoulders.  he must look splendid in this wild
setting, she thought to herself, and smiled.

the smile quickly disappeared when a strong sting was
felt on her butt.  she jumped as much as she could in
her bonds, and her eyes opened wide.  she turned her
head to see what caused that sting.  there in his
hands was a hand-made branch switch.  that must have
been where he went just now, she thought.

he knelt down beside her, and ran his hands over her
back.  his silky voice said, "that was to get your
attention."  she grinned, thinking, "as if you didn't
have it all ready???"  he continued, "we are going to
do something new today.  this is a switch.  it feels
different from the whip  and the cane and the crop,
doesn't it?"  she nodded.  "i am going to use this all
over your body.  i will mark you.  you know that,
don't you?"  again she nodded, as the wetness between
her legs increased more than she thought possible.  "i
am going to take you past your limits.  you will
scream but no one will hear you.  you can cry and you
can yell but today i am going to push your limits.  do
you understand?"  she nodded, knowing full well what
he was telling her, and knowing that this was her
chance to back out before it all started.  but she
didn't want to back out.

it was always a thrill to wonder how far someone would
take her.  who could last the longest.  it was
sometimes a test of wills.  she never wanted to call
out her safe word.  she always wanted to take whatever
pain a dominant could give to her.  to her, it was a
matter of her honor.  and it shamed her to have to
call out her safeword.  but she was very happy,
because when it came to flogging, she could pretty
much take anything.  she had taken welts, broken skin,
even bleeding, cutting strokes with bruising and scabs
that lasted for days.  and she felt she could take this
too.  for him.  she wanted him to be proud of
her.  she wanted to please him.

she felt his body move up to standing position, and
realized he must have found a long one to be able to
stand and still be able to reach her on the ground
with it.  she closed her eyes tightly, waiting for the
inevitable first stroke.

it came shortly, quickly, smartly right on the middle
of her butt.  it stung and it smarted.  she clamped
her mouth shut and took it, registering in her mind
that it would get worse but that she could handle it.
she would do this.  she would not fail this.

the blows came at a regular rate, and each one was a
little bit stronger in intensity.  she tried to keep
quiet but every once in a while the stinging was too
intense to keep silent and a cry would escape her
throat.  he would hesitate, and she silently begged
him, "no, don't stop, please don't stop...."

and he must have understood those silent pleas because
the blows kept coming.  she knew she must have started
to redden and swell because she could feel with
blinding intensity when a blow would strike over a
previously marked spot.

it was excruciating, it was unbearable.  yet it was what
she craved.  it was heaven.

and then, as she was pushed past her limit, she felt
the blackness coming.  she reached for the blackness
and there it was, slowly descending on her.  she had
never reached this blackness with him yet, and she
felt a surge of joy inside her as she reached it for
the first time with him....subspace.

the darkness finally reached her and swirled around
her, and she felt herself slipping away.  the sound of
the switch could no longer be heard.  the sound of his
feet crunching on the oak leaves as he repositioned
his body over her were no longer audible.  the pain
was no longer felt...just a small pressure as when
someone pushes you lightly on your skin with the pad
of their thumb.  the strokes were probably more
intense than ever but she couldn't feel them anymore.

she was flying.  her body was flying.  her mind was in
another dimension, another reality, another altered
state.  and it was indescribable.  there was no
feeling, no sound, just the flying.  and peace.

how long she was there, she didn't know.  but slowly,
her mind registered on the fact that she was no longer
in the tethers and she was sitting on the ground,
leaning into his strength, and he was holding her
tightly.  her body was shaking and shivering, and
every once in a while a particularly heavy shudder
would reverberate through her.  she was coming down to
reality, the subspace was leaving her, and he was
giving her such beautiful after-care.

when she finally reached back down to total reality,
she wanted to look him in the eyes and thank him but
wasn't sure if it was permitted yet.  but she didn't
have to contemplate that long, because when he saw
then that she was in full control of her body again,
he raised to his knees and his cock was right in front
of her face.

she wanted so much to take it into her mouth and
stroke it with her lips and her tongue, and gently
scrape it with her teeth.  "not yet," he breathed.
"not yet."  instead, he rubbed himself all around her
face, on her neck.  it was all she could do to not
take him into her mouth.  it was torture.  mad, slow
torture.  he kept rubbing himself on her mouth, her
cheeks, her neck.  he must has sensed her frustration
because he finally said, "open your mouth."

she did so with a sob of relief and went hungrily to
his cock, taking it into her mouth with a voracious
swallow, and then realized her haste, and pulled it
out, and started to slowly lick it.  around and around
and around she used her tongue to lick his head, his
length, his base.  up and down the length of it she
licked him thoroughly.

then she took it into her mouth and began to pump it
with her mouth, moving up and down its length in a
regular rhythm.  she put her hands around him on both
flanks and squeezed them, and heard his moans up above
as she continued to thrust him into her mouth over and
over again, and at each release of him, to graze her
tongue or teeth over his length.  her hand went up his
chest and she smiled inside as she could feel his
steady heart now racing.

how long she sucked and licked and enveloped his cock
with her warm wet mouth, she didn't know, but she was
mindless of time as she sought to give him utmost
pleasure.  he was getting harder and harder and was
rock hard.  her thoughts went to what that rock
hardness feels like inside her.  she realized she was
wet with wanting him inside her, thrusting into her
warm wet juices just as he was thrusting into her
mouth.  it was so bittersweet, to feel him filling her
mouth and hitting her throat, and not to feel this
inside her.

finally he pulled her by the hair and moved her mouth
from his cock.  turning her around with his hands, he
positioned her on her hands and knees.  she almost
wept with relief when she felt his hands opening her
knees.  his fingers touched her clit and her back
sagged as the little nub leaped to life and throbbed
under his touch.

easily, so easily, he slid half of his long cock into
her and she finally did let out a cry as she was
filled by the width of it.  she could feel the
pressure of it on her inner and outer lips and the
muscles inside contracted around him to better feel
his length.  he slid himself out and she wanted to beg
him to put it back in her.

without any warning he came at her hard from behind
and slammed his full length into her.  she almost
pitched from the force, almost went headfirst into the
leaves in front of her but locked her arms straight
and took the full force of it.  in and out he slammed
himself into her, and with each thrust she pistoned
her hips back toward him wanting to get every
delicious inch of that cock inside her.

he reached down between her legs and started playing
with her again and she wanted to cum so bad, to feel
that massive strength in her being held firm by her
contractions as she reached a strong, overpowering
orgasm.  but he wasn't ready yet.

he moved his fingers from her and reached up to her
nipples and pinched them and she cried out with
pain/pleasure.  he was bent over her, pinching her,
and she could feel his chest hairs tickling her back,
his breath stirring the wet hairs on the back of her
neck.

his fingers went down again to her clit and rubbed and
she was almost on the brink.  she felt that she could
cum any minute if this double stimulation of his cock
inside her and his fingers on her clit would continue.

but once again he moved away, and even drew his cock
out of her.  she almost cried out with frustration,
wanting so much to feel him in her more.  she hated
when he pulled out of her, and stopped that wonderful
onslaught of her.

he ordered her to lie on her back, and she did so
quickly.  he positioned himself over her head, so that
his balls were over her mouth.  "touch yourself", he
commanded her.  even though it was embarrassing to
her, years of long-ago indoctrination still engulfed
in her, she complied anyway, and touched herself, as
she felt him above her start to work his hand over his
cock.  he lowered himself down on her face and she
greedily licked his balls and gently took one and then
the other into her mouth, sucking them, licking them,
putting pressure on them as she closed her mouth
around them.

she kept touching herself, playing with her clit, and
felt his balls pulsating, and felt the pressure above
her as he continued to work at his cock.  and then
before she knew what was happening she felt the first
tingles of pleasure come through her.  her back arched
towards her fingers as she gently rubbed the nub back
and forth, so slick with her juices, and a low moan
started in the back of her throat, causing vibrations
on his balls inside her mouth.  she felt every muscle
in her body tense as the first strong wave of orgasm
went through her.  she cried out, causing a huge
vibration on his balls, and she felt a surge on her
fingers as a gush of fluid expelled from her
contracting muscles.  her whole tensed body gradually
went limp, her back slowing reaching back to the
ground.  she realized that he was pinching one of her
nipples again and wondered if that was what brought
her over the edge.

and then she remembered he was above her still working
himself and used her mouth to lick and suck with all
of her being.  she reached behind him and squeezed his
butt and felt his buttocks contract with the first
groan out of his mouth.  he gave a wonderful cry of
release and she immediately felt his fluid hit her
belly in pulses.  it was so beautiful to have her body
receive his cum, and she loved the warmth of it on her
body, no matter where he chose to give it to her.

slowly she felt him lie down next to her and she
reached over to feel his heart.  it was slowly
regaining its rhythm and she felt it go from racing to
normal.  how peaceful it was just to lie there,
happily spent, the rough oak leaves scratching her
marks, her thighs wet with their juices.  she reached
over to his cock and felt it...now flaccid but yet
still long and pulsing.  she rolled over on his chest
and looked at his face.  his eyes were closed and the
lids were fluttering gently.  she leaned down and
kissed his lips and he smiled in his half-sleep.

she rolled over to her back again and just enjoyed the
moment.  it was a perfect day.  and she knew that if
they ever came back, it would be even more perfect.

back in the car, on the way back home, she wondered if
the hostess at the hiking center ever realized what
they did, and if they ever got all the tell-tale oak
leaves out of their hair...

for over a week, she stopped in front of every mirror
and looked at the souvenirs on her ass.  the scabs
turned into scars. and when the scars finally faded, she
felt a tremendous loss. but her love for him never faded.

next time, the story of a little surprise in his glovebox
while driving down 528 late at night...

To the guys who whine and complain that no one answers their emails.

1.  Do you have a photo on here?  Is it a good photo?  Does it show you in a good way?  Don't make excuses for not having a photo, or for not having a GOOD photo.  Today's cell phones can help.  Make sure the photo is well lit, and shows your good qualities.  Watch your poses, your clothing, your backgrounds.   All of these can make you look better, or worse.   Are you well groomed?  Is your hair combed?  Is your beard trimmed?   Are your clothes clean?  Posting a bad photo on here sends out the signal that maybe you are sloppy or have no attention to detail.  Take the time and effort to get a GOOD photo of yourself.  Or scan a good RECENT photo of yourself (use the library's if you don't have a scanner) and email it to yourself (key word - RECENT).  We don't like meeting someone for the first time only to find out their photo was 20 years (and 60 lbs.) ago.   That is misleading.   And when was the last time you weighed yourself?  I've met people who said they were one weight, but their scales were seriously broken, or they just didn't realize they gained 40 lb in a few years, or they out and out LIED.  Go to Publix and get on their scale (usually in the front of the store or by the pharmacy).  You may be in for a shock.  Yeah, those pounds crept on, but keep it real, ok?  As far as the whole not putting a photo of yourself on here, I can understand the need for privacy with family and work and friends.  But I personally will not go any further than one or two emails if someone won't send me their photo.  If you can't trust me enough to send a photo of yourself, there's no point in going any further.  I don't care how wonderful you say you are.  I don't care how compatible our LIKES and DISLIKES lists are.  I don't care how well hung you are.  I don't care if you are richer than sin.  If I am not attracted to your eyes, your face, your chest, your ass, your thighs, your body, it just ain't gonna work!  And no, I'm not shallow, but physical appearance IS important to me.  How well you take care of yourself is a direct reflection on how well you would take care of ME.  And there are some body types I just am not attracted to.  It's just the way we are wired up.  It's not your fault, and I can't help it, but it just is what it is.  Accept it, and move on.  I know a lot of guys aren't attracted to my body type or the fact that I am too undisciplined to lose weight.  I understand that, and I would hope guys at this point can understand we are all attracted to different types of people.  I am attracted to men with self-discipline because that is a trait I lack in myself, and I admire in other people.  OK, 'nuf said about that.  But I have to tell you, some of the photos people put on here are horrible.  Or pretty weird.  Or even downright scary.  Look at your photos as if you are someone brand new who has never seen your photo before.  Yes, you've seen it millions of times and it looks perfectly normal to you.  But step back, get outside of yourself, and try to see it through our eyes.  Are YOU attracted to YOUR photo?  No?  Well, chances are, neither are we.

2.  Do you have a well written profile?  Free of typos?  Well thought out?  Do you include humor and intelligence in it?  Humor and intelligence are big turn-ons to women.  A profile with a few meaningless sentences doesn't give us enough information to decide whether or not we want to know more.  So, don't be too vague.  But, there's no reason to write a book, either.  Tell us what you like to do outside the bedroom.  Inside the bedroom (no need to get too graphic).  What got you into BDSM?  How long have you been in it?  What are you looking for?  Are you here for just sex?  A kinky slut?  A slave?  A submissive?  A long term relationship?  What is your outlook on life?  Throw in a wry remark or two, just to keep us on our toes.  Give us something to INTEREST us and even better, something that INTRIGUES us!  Do you have a hard time writing?  Ask a friend to help.  And use that part of the profile that allows you to list all the things that interest you.  From BDSM activities to religion to politics to hobbies and much more are covered in the list.  Come on, take some time and check off those boxes.  An incomplete profile makes us wonder are you just too lazy to click on some boxes, or what?  Some people don't even put their location.  I personally do not do long distance relationships.  If I can't see that you are nearby, I lose interest very quickly.

3.  Do you come across as needy, whiny, or negative?  Most of us are attracted to self-reliant people, who are confident and who project a positive attitude.  I don't want a child.  I want a MAN!  To be honest, lonely men do not attract me.  I want you to be happy in your own life, happy with yourself, and comfortable being alone with yourself, before you bring me into the equation.  And there are many "Oh, woe is me" profiles on here.  I don't want to be around someone who drags me down.  I want to be around people who INSPIRE me with their happy, robust life!  I want to come along for the ride on a thrilling life.  I do not want to be in charge of entertaining someone or boosting their ego or making them feel less depressed or alleviate their loneliness or boredom!  So, have a life!  Don't have one?  Instead of sitting on the computer all day whining and complaining about your life, go out there and GET one!  It will make you more attractive to us, trust me.   And this brings up another issue:  If I see a person on here for hours at a time, I have to wonder why he chooses to sit in front of a computer screen all day instead of being out enjoying life.  Oh, when I first got online about 13 years ago, I was addicted to chat rooms, trust me.  But then I realized how much of real life I was missing out on.  I regret those many hours and days and weeks and months and years I lost.   Yes, you may find your perfect mate in that chatroom, or you may find them out taking a walk or at your local munch!

4.  When you email someone for the first time, a short introductory email is nice.  A one line "hi how r u" is not going to get my attention.  An email like that suggests to me that you don't know who you are or what you're looking for.  Yes, you are being polite by asking how I am, but some kind of personal information about yourself and what you're looking for is expected here.   I wonder if you are too lazy to type all that, with your abbreviated textspeak.  And, on the other hand, a long book about what you are looking for and your life's history is not needed, either.  I believe it's best to put everything out in the open asap to see if there's compatibility, but seriously, paragraphs and paragraphs and paragraphs of detailed information is not a good introductory email.  And cutting and pasting a form letter is very bad etiquette, in my opinion, even with your thinly disguised attempts to personalize it.  That just makes me feel like I'm an assembly line piece of meat that you really aren't personally interested in, but are throwing me a bone anyway just to see if I'll bite.

5.  Are you doing something that we would consider immoral?  For example, I know women who will not answer a man if he is cheating on his spouse.  I am not going to judge you for your life's decisions, but some women do not want to be someone's "dirty little secret."  Just move on, and find someone more compatible.

6.  Does your profile and your interests reflect something that turns us off?  If you are into something as a LIVES FOR, LOVES or LIKES and we absolutely positively cannot stand the thought of such an activity, we may feel we are not compatible with you.  If you are into light bondage and feathers, don't expect a masochist to have much interest.

7.  Did you actually READ our profiles?  Did you take some time to READ a few of our blog entries?  You did?  Then why did you start off your communication with me by asking something that is obviously answered in my profile?  Don't use the excuse, "Oh, yes I did read that, but I just thought I'd ask you anyway to make conversation..."  Sorry, that's not gonna fly.  Own up to the fact that you were too lazy, or not detail-oriented enough, or just plain not interested enough in my profile to read the whole thing. 

And since we're going down this road: 

The question is asked of me repeatedly, "Why don't people answer me back?"  The answer is usually simple.  At one time, we tried to be nice and answer you back even though we were not interested, and all we got from our politeness is a huge headache by a guy who was too immature or too down upon himself to take rejection like a man, and he made our life miserable.  So, rather than go down that road again, most women just ignore the email.  I answer every single email I get, because I believe in The Golden Rule, but trust me, I have regretted it at times.  If a woman says, "I'm not interested," take it at that, and leave her alone!  Be a MAN, not a whiny boy!  But because so many of us have been given hell for being honest, you probably won't even get a response.

And so, my dear, I hope that sheds some light on your questions of why we do the things we do when it comes to CollarMe email!

It gets disheartening on here.  I clearly put in my profile that I don't do long distance.  I clearly put in here that I don't answer friend requests unless I really know a person in real life.  I clearly put in my profile what my likes and dislikes are, and what my goals in a relationship are.  Yet everyday I get emails from people many states, and countries, far far away, or friend requests from people I don't know, or people who are involved with someone who wouldn't know about me, or some other incompatible factor, and it bothers me that I have to take the time to answer their email, when they could not take the time to read about me.  You guys have no idea how much email we females receive.  I've said it before and I'll say it again....Your email and your profile is so important, because you have a very limited window of opportunity to get our interest - there are a dozen or more other emails besides yours waiting to be answered. 

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO AND SAY AND SHOW US, TO GET YOU TO STAND OUT FROM THE CROWD???

And sorry, but 99.9% of the time, a cock pic just ain't gonna do it. 

i napped most of the day today.  my body feels like it's been run over by a freight train.  porn is truly best for a younger person's body.

so i listened to my body and rested today, but tomorrow it's back in the saddle.  no rest for the wicked...except the day after a long week of planning and a long weekend's shoots.

going to the space coast tomorrow evening for a few days.  drinks, anyone?

this weekend's shoots are proving to be challenging.  so many problems with this rental house.  the roof leaks, we have pans all over the master bedroom's floor (of course it raining a lot this weekend).  the AC went out and we were shooting yesterday in 90+ degree conditions.  there are no ceiling fans, or any fans for that matter.  the landlord said someone would be there yesterday asap.  that never happened.  my photographer is bringing box fans today, thank goodness.  the owner told me there would be wifi here but there's not.  so checking email and such is very inconvenient.  the master bathroom's shower never gets hot.  there are no screens on the windows so we got tons of mosquitoes in here.  either keep the house closed up like a sauna, or open the windows for a cross breeze and get eaten by mosquitoes.  what a choice!  one of the people i was supposed to shoot with showed up and he had misrepresented himself and didn't look like his photo.  he was a nice man but i declined to shoot with him because it bothered me that he didn't send a photo that truly looked like him.  i'm a stickler when it comes to things like that. and finally, two of my regular stunt cocks weren't able to make it because of work and family situations.

otherwise, the shoots are going well.  i haven't gotten as much content as i would have liked because we've been dealing with these obstacles.  hopefully today will go better with a fan blowing on us.

i'm going to forego my solo shoots tonight, leave after the last M/F shoot, and come home early and probably sleep all day tomorrow.

you know you're exhausted when an extremely handsome, funny, intelligent, witty, conversant BBC with whom you have wonderful chemistry wants to show you a good time but all you want to do is crawl upstairs to bed.  i regretted saying no as soon as my head hit the pillow, but i have to start being kind to my body.

wishing everyone a wonderful weekend.

i am so proud!  my photo update today made southern-charms' Staff Picks!  that's two weeks in a row!!!  and my newest video, Penthouse BBC part 2 is in the weekly top 20.

i love my job :-)

a fat old dumpy broad living off of porn!  who would have thought?

in the past two days, i've met a few really nice guys off the kinky facebook-like social networking site.  i am supposed to shoot with a couple of them this weekend!  i really hope it works out.  they seem like we would be very compatible and pump out (no pun intended) some great content!  can't wait!

i ran over and looked at the place i'm shooting at.  nice two story 3BR 2BA condo in a golf community.  my only regret is there's no private pools in that section. 

i may be shooting in the keys in june!  it's not for sure, but i sure hope that comes through! 

can you believe AI?  seriously!  were you expecting that???  james going home?  i am shocked.  but i shouldn't be.  just like when daughtry got sent home.  just like jennifer hudson.  and let's not forget adam.  excuse me...kris who????  totally forgettable.  and pia ran circles around haley and lauren.   i hope james kicks ass.  i don't even care who wins this season now.  :-(((((((   sorry to all you lauren, haley and scotty fans.  just being honest. #goteamjames #jamesdurbin  LOL!

hey do you follow me on twitter!  i'm a twit!  are you?  www.twitter.com/sammieSC2

should be sleeping, but have a million things on my mind and my brain just won't shut down.  i wish the sleeping pills i have wouldn't make me groggy all day tomorrow otherwise i'd be downing one with my vitaminwater zero drink right now.

sweet dreams to all you lucky people who can sleep!  fellow insomniacs, twitter me!

now i understand why the guys who were detailing my car yesterday looked at me so funny.  the container that holds the sybian had the lid slide off when they moved it to vacuum, and they could clearly see all the attachments in view. 

oops!

and i also know why they said, "we hope you come back soon!"  probably wanted to know what other weird contraptions i carry in my car!  next time i'll bring the toy bag with the broken zipper LOL!

no wonder a lot of my regular stunt cocks can't make it to my shoots this weekend.  there are at least FOUR gangbangs this weekend that i know of scattered throughout central florida, and i'm sure there's plenty more that i don't know of.  is may official gang bang month?  remind me next year when i am scheduling my shoots!

but it's ok. seriously.  in this instance, quality is better than quantity.  i have some great guys lined up.

i've had a lot of people ask where can they get a copy of that big butt magazine with me on the cover (feb 2011).  here ya go:  http://oldmags.com/titles/Big-Butt-Magazine/226

off to bed...three nights in a row with less than five hours sleep each.  today i drove over 5 hours and put on 225 miles on my car.  got a lot accomplished for this weekend's shoots!

tomorrow i pack, go grocery shopping (can't have the talent shoot hungry!) and get a manicure/pedicure/facial.  hair is already freshly cut and colored (my hairstylist made a few more minor changes, she is so much fun), got a nice long massage right afterward (she gave me a half hour free because my shoulders and arms had tons of stress knots, i LOVE her), even got my car detailed and washed in haines city for twenty dollars!  they did a great job too! found a great short flirty dress for the upskirt shoot too, at the nudist resort boutique i love in land o' lakes.  picked up my sybian in kissimmee...it's going to be the star of a few shoots this weekend.

and....had a really nice breakfast with a dom over in orlando!

i was in six counties today!!!

good night and wishing everyone a GREAT DAY tomorrow!

oh, and in my opinion, james durbin blew every single other contestant away tonight on AI!  go team james!

wow, this coming weekend's shoots are coming together very well.  i'm actually getting nervous, it's coming together so well!

i think this is going to be some of the hottest content i've ever done.  i'm very excited...but also very nervous!

the neat thing is that a bunch of dominant men have appeared from the nebula of wherever you dominant hide yourselves, so it looks like there will be more D/s tones, and hopefully more S&M tones in these shoots, which of course is my passion.  if bdsm porn paid as well for me as vanilla porn, i wouldn't even bother with vanilla porn.

or maybe i just don't know the right distributors yet.........!!!

if anyone has the inside scoop, please enlighten me!

i was invited to go to a gangbang this friday night.   i very reluctantly had to take a pass.  i'll need as much beauty sleep as possible friday night, even though i rarely sleep well the night before shoots.

but maybe a gangbang is just what i need to exhaust me into a good night's sleep...hmmmm.....

will be plotting and planning this weekend's photo shoots in the next few days.  if you haven't emailed me at the yahoo address, please do so quickly before i start scheduling and assigning everyone their shoot times.

hope all the moms had a wonderful mother's day.

my last photo update on southern-charms garnered more response than i've received in years.  and it was so simple.  just me in very very skin tight capri jeans.  so a lot of guys have been calling me on niteflirt the past few days asking that i wear those jeans for a cam show.  which is fine, except when your room is 92 degrees!  at least the humidity hasn't hit 90% yet.  but it will...give it time...this is florida, after all!

had a very fascinating call from a dom who really wanted to get into the mind of a submissive.  we talked for a long, long time.  i hope i did fellow submissives justice.  he was very intelligent and i enjoyed the conversation because he really made me think about why we do the things we do.  i don't  know why i was wired up this way.  i don't know why i was never, ever vanilla.  i just know that at age 5, i was hurting myself "down there" because it felt good. 

and some things never change ;-)

ok...all you guys who said you wanted to shoot with me...i just sent an email to everyone on my list from my yahoo account.  if you don't see something in your email box, email me back (not through collarme, please, i only schedule my shoots through my yahoo account). 

i had dozens of emails come back as undeliverable.  so, if you're one of them, i hope you see this.  there will be TWO opportunities to shoot with me in may, and i am also shooting with another female from atlantic city later this month and she wants to shoot with guys too. 

so check your non-collarme email account!

i had a wonderful time last night with john and starla from www.bdsm-gear.com.  we had steak, homemade pasta salad, mushrooms and onions, and green bean salad.  delicious!  we spent time out in their fishhouse admiring the view and watching their HUGE koi swim around, and talked and talked and talked.  always a good time with them.  then they let me shop their warehouse and i bought over $200 worth of sex toys because my webcam work has been using the same toys for about six years and i wanted something new and different and exciting.  well, i got several hundred dollars worth of new and different and exciting!  i can't wait to try them out today.  will be logging in to niteflirt soon!

they have exciting plans coming up both business and personal, and i am very happy for them.  it is so nice and so refreshing to see a REAL 24/7 Master/slave relationship actually work.  and i think it DOES work because he really is a Master and she really is a slave.  there's no role playing, there's no power struggle, there's no pretense.  they truly are at heart a Master and a slave.  there are things he does to her that she doesn't like but she doesn't top from the bottom and say no.  she is a true slave.  and she accepts that he will do those things to her, because it is his right as her master to do them to her.

she and i both get so frazzled at couples who claim to be dominant and submissive, or master and slave, and when you really get to know them, that power exchange dynamic is not really there.  it only comes out when both agree to have it come out, then it goes back on the shelf and the "slave" takes back the power that the "master" gives back to her.  i'm sorry but to me, that's not 24/7 Master and slave.  yes, i am very anal about this and a stickler about it. 

it even bothers me when a couple call themselves a dominant and submissive couple, but the submissive is the one who really is in control of the show.  i know that i could never be in a relationship like that.  and you can bet i am very very fussy as to who i will give control over my life.  that's why i'm still single.  and that's ok.  at least i am being true to myself and honest to those around me.

/end soapbox rant

ok, off to heal the world one orgasm at a time.

the Real Feel heat index is going to be 97 today.  uggghhh.  it's not even May yet.  i really don't want to have to shut up my house and lose the beautiful smell of confederate jasmine blowing through my rooms!

hope everyone is having a great day today. 

battling a june bug infestation.  omg, these things are so ugly and sound as loud as a sybian.  i am not kidding.  they are straight from the pit of hell, i swear. they are in the beetle family, related to scarabs.  yeah, scarabs.  remember those absolutely ugly make-you-wanna-barf creatures in "The Mummy"?  yeah, those.  cleaning up all the dead bodies in the morning is quite a disgusting and gruesome task, as well.  the carnage is as bad as a battlefield.  why do my cats bring me dead mice and birds and squirrels, but they won't eat all these dozens of bodies of protein on my porch?  amazing...  i am worried that all this poison will hurt my kitties.  but so far they seem to know to steer clear of the screens, which is where the warfare occurs.  i had to buy a portable screen door from dom depot and i opted for the overnight shipping.  not to mention several cases of bug spray.  well, ok, i am exaggerating about the cases.  a bit.  wasn't expecting that expense but....that's life.  i am so disappointed that this screen porch obviously has huge leaks that is letting in these overgrown monsters that look like they're hopped up on steroids.  (shudder!!!)

i've said before that the majority of my email, the vast majority, is positive and complimentary.  but i had someone send me a very rude and condescending email recently.  when i politely replied, he deleted the email without reading it.  he was criticizing my photos, yet he had no photos of himself on his profile.  not one.  kind of hypcritical, if you ask me.  and....hmmm...makes me wonder what he has to hide.  i don't know, it may be stupid to feel this way, but i would think if a dom had balls, he would be man enough to read the reply to his criticism.  that would be the polite thing to do, in my opinion.  i also think that perhaps some people on here have way too much time on their hands.

speaking of which, i had a very unpleasant dealing with a guy on here who claims on his profile that he lives in washington, DC.  turns out he is actually in tel aviv, israel.  don't ask me how i found out...i could tell you, but then i'd have to kill you...

anyway, he will try to get you to do things on webcam for him - things that have been deemed to be obscene by the U. S. Supreme Court and could get you arrested and jailed if found guilty.  once again, i think some people on here have way too much time on their hands.  and, not surprisingly, his profile has disappeared.  how people like that can go to bed at night with no conscience amazes me.  to deliberately take advantage of someone's vulnerability for your own personal gratification is WRONG.  i have no respect for people who can do that. 

enough of that.

i cannot believe i forgot the beltainia festival at all world acres this past weekend.  where was my head!?!?!?  heard from a few friends who attended that it was a wonderful time.  wahhhh!!!   i didn't go!  damn it!!!  next year...next year...

also want to go to samhein.  but i've been saying that for how many years now???

why did i forget?  possibly because of a lot of projects that came up unexpectedly that needed to be done and i got them all done!!!!  yay for me!  unfortunately that also ruined my pitiful social life, but, as i said above, that's life.

it looks like my next major shoot will be may 14, possibly kissimmee or lakeland.  if you've been thinking about shooting with me, now is the time to make it happen!  interracial gets first priority.  am looking for two guys who aren't squeamish about doing a DP with me.

was supposed to shoot with a woman who is visiting the USA from Belgium, but myself and two other girls who were to shoot with her as well, haven't heard a word from her.  that's disappointing :-(

i have a lot of traveling coming up so my social life will be like a nun's. things are calming down in the family situation but it is by no means resolved.  but it's better than it was, that's for sure.

this month celebrates one year with my new photographer, who turned my less-than-stellar southern-charms sales into KICK ASS real income that i can be proud of. 

this month also marks going on the third year of living in this humble abode.  my track record for many years was to stay at a place two years or less.  not by choice.  but by tumultuous live events.  right now i am very antsy, probably out of habit, and am thinking of moving, but then i think, where else can i live so affordably, with a landlady who is supportive of my type of work here at home, where my cats are very happy, and i know they will be fed when i travel so much.  there are a few things i don't like, and when i do move, i won't miss those things, but i think that's common with almost every living situation.  so for now, i am antsy to move, yet happy to stay here.  if that makes sense.

it's been quiet in between rounds, but i once again i hear the little buzz saws bashing against the tin roof out on the porch like a percussion section of the band, so it's time to go make more insect carcasses. 

oh joy.

does anybody watch AI?  once again, this year i am addicted.  i was so sorry to see pia leave.  and i hate to say it but as much as i liked stefano, i felt it was his time to go.  the talent this year is absolutely incredible.  message me and i'll break my "no long distance pen pal" rule and dish about it!  my prediction?  casey is a fan favorite, yes.  "luther" lusk has the soulful voice.  scotty is great but in years past, AI would have forced him to go outside the country box.  haley and lauren are good but they are holding back.  but rockers won't let another adam lambert debacle happen, and will come out in full force to vote for james.  (putting away my crystal ball now)

tomorrow i will be busy making appetizers for easter dinner.  it will be bittersweet.  my oldest child, my daughter, has moved to oregon and this will be our first holiday without her.  also, my middle son turns TWENTY-ONE this weekend.  omg.  look out, he's going to be dangerous this weekend.  LEGAL!

i'll be jumping on webcam on niteflirt this weekend.  i've had a lot of great calls talking to people in the TS/TV/TG community.  each has been a special conversation, full of insight, intelligence, and so much information.  they have had a hard road, and still have a hard road ahead of them.  i admire them for having the honesty, the courage, and the BALLS, to do what their heart has told them to do, regardless of the hell they have paid for it.  i think mr. criticism and mr. tel aviv could learn a lesson from them.

lately i've been feeling really, really weird, and very depressed and negative.  things were not going right anywhere.  my energy was run down and i just couldn't focus on the positive.  then my tantra mentor called me and asked me how i was feeling lately and i replied, "HORRIBLE!"  she asked me, "specifically, what have you been thinking?  feeling?  experiencing?"  i told her about all the exhaustion i've been feeling from a very serious family matter, and how for many days at a time i'd have no energy or desire to do anything that i considered pleasurable normally.  i was seriously considering going back on my happy pills after a 2.5 year vacation from them.  i told her when it's quiet and i am alone, i've been sensing the presence of entities from another dimension, and having strange dreams and feeling very depressed and i just can't get out of it.  it's been difficult to meditate and when i do, i still feel uneasy afterward.  then she told me about something called Tzolk'in which is during portal days in the Mayan calendar. every 260 days, there are 52 days called portal days.  i don't understand it all, but from how she explained it, supposedly people who are sensitive to metaphysical things are hit particularly hard during portal days.  i had to admit the timing matched up.  also other things are going on in the spirit world as well as the cosmological arena and the astrological world that make people who are susceptible to paranormal things experience more unusual happenings. 

i thought it was all very interesting.  i am not convinced.  but i do remember seeing proof a long time ago that more births, more deaths, more accidents in the ER, etc., happen during a full moon.  i do believe the planet's movement have an impact on us.  so i'll be learning more about Tzolk'in when i can.

wishing everyone a happy easter weekend, if you celebrate it.

did you know....

that if you aren't sick and tired enough of my blog posts, you can follow me on twitter?  it's true....even more useless information about my comings (ahem) and goings.

go to twitter and my name on there is sammieSC2.

be a twit!  i am!

just had the most delightful lunch with a great guy who has been following my blog on here for several years.  it's kinda weird when someone remembers more about yourself and your experiences than you do, LOL!  we had some nice laughs and i hope we develop into a long lasting friendship.

i don't know if i am going through bipolar's manic phase or what, but i haven't slept since i woke up at 8 a.m. yesterday morning....and i'm still going strong.  mr. karma didn't help but that's ok. 

gonna put all this excess energy to use on niteflirt right now.  today's roster thus far has been a lot of taboo subjects and also two of my favorite customers - the victim of the giantess with the capability to shrink and crush the bad boy, and the subbie who so desperately wants to be placed in chastity for the remainder of his life.  also had two new customers - one who wanted me to turn him, the boss, into the office sex-bitch, and a regular who loves to hear my real life stories.  the one i shared with him today was way too steamy for this blog!

ok, gonna go make some more money before the manic wears off and i collapse!  hope everyone is having a wonderful day.

happy tax day, everyone!

having a kick ass day on niteflirt.  i really really really do love my job(s)!

even with no sleep at all last night!  but that's another story....

and i only have one thing to say about that.  karma can be a wonderful thing....or a BITCH.  the choice is yours.

haven't had much opportunity to do any work in about six weeks because of the schizophrenia stuff going on over on the space coast.  thank goodness for southern-charms.  it paid all my bills with enough left over to live comfortably (yet frugally) this month.  i still am amazed an overweight old frump like myself can make it in porn. 

but i knew i had to recoup some losses so i logged into niteflirt yesterday and had an amazing day.  lots of calls, and surprisingly, only one call revolved around the typical webcam/phonesex call.  instead, many focused on fetishes and just the need for the guy to talk to someone about those hidden parts of their soul to a compassionate ear who won't judge them for those wicked thoughts. 

some of the guys don't even care if they get off or not.  they just want someone to listen to them and understand them.

it's true, confession really is good for the soul.  the relief in their voice is palpable.

yesterday, i talked to several cross dressers, several foot fetish guys, one self-proclaimed "ass-maniac", one breast play "addict" (he was gasping at my collection of nipple clamps and breast torture devices), and a guy whose fantasy is to have a stable full of lactating women hooked up to milking machines.  and that was just yesterday's calls!

i always say that my niteflirt work is like getting paid for a doctoral degree in human sexuality.  absolutely fascinating.  i love it.  

gonna run some errands and then log in again today.  who knows what today's lesson will be?  it's always fun to find out!

i was very very bad yesterday.  i instigated (it's totally unlike me to purposely instigate something with a man) a booty call and it was....omg...let's just say all the pent up sexual energy i've had from stress and lack of time and lack of energy all came to the surface and erupted like mount vesuvius.  even the shoots in atlantic city, which were all sexual, did not give me much pleasure because of all the worry of what was going on back home.

so last night we got a nice hotel room that was a jacuzzi honeymoon suite and spent over an hour in the tub (i brought bubble bath!) and if i would have left and went home at that point, i would have went home sated.  omg, that man's fingers, hands, lips, tongue and mouth should be registered as lethal sexual weapons.  but it didn't stop there.  oh no, not by a long shot.

we went into the shower to get all the bubbles off (round two) and thanks to my overuse of bubble bath, there were A LOT of bubbles (think of "the magic porridge pot" and substitute bubbles for the porridge) and finally made it to the bed (rounds three, four and five).

i think it was during the third or fourth orgasm that i squirted all over his face.  there was dead silence.  a looooong dead silence.  and then from down below, a soft "oh my god..." 

i was mortified.  completely mortified.  until he said, "i LOVE IT when you girls do that!!!"  i said, "are you just saying that to make me feel better?"  to which he replied, "here, feel the proof!" and moved my hand down to his concrete-hard cock.  the proof was in the chocolate pudding. 

i don't know how i made it home.  seriously.

but i did.  with a huge smile on my face.  and for the first time in over six weeks, i slept like the dead. 

good thing i brought extra condoms.  we used every single condom the two of us had on our person. 

i really thought i was done with booty calls and casual sex and anonymous encounters and all that.  and i still think that part of my life, for the most part, is over.

but i now realize that in some instances, it's very nice (not to mention satisfying) to revisit the past for old time's sake. and for the sake of a good night's sleep.

all that was missing, was a flogger, a paddle and a crop!

it's a miracle.  i was able to do my taxes four days before the deadline. 

next project - unpacking and organizing from my last four trips.  i can barely walk in my bedroom, the luggage and bags of clothing and accessories and props and toiletries from the atlantic city shoots are still unpacked.  but too drained to even think about that.  every day is like a roller coaster with good news and then bad news regarding the schizoaffective disorder. 

off to tampa to help my sister with some projects today.  if anyone in the tampa bay area wants to get together before i head back home, give me a call.

we are still in the midst of dealing with schizophrenia or more accurately, schizo-affective disorder.  the medication is helping quite a bit but is also causing unwanted side effects in my loved one such as weight gain and constant drowsiness.  but the hallucinations, delusions, and bizarre behavior are becoming less and less.  we are told we are very lucky he is taking the medication and not putting up a fight about that.  his perception of his reality is still in stark contrast to those around him, but i do believe improvement has been made in many other areas.

the days are a blur of psychiatric visits, psychologist visits, in-home case workers, and much more.  but he is finally getting the help he needs.  i will forever bear the guilt of not getting him help sooner.

finally back home and so glad to be.  spent all day yesterday in my recliner, petting my kitties (they were all very co-dependent and wouldn't get off my lap yesterday - it had been six whole days!) and watching the weather reports - massive amounts of rain, tornadoes, and watching the photos people sent in of the damage.  mother nature was busy the past few days.  so glad our plane was not in limbo because of the weather wednesday night.

atlantic city was fun only because of the shoots and who i was shooting with, but i was not impressed with the city.  the vast majority of it looked poverty-stricken with urban blight.  a lot of tenements, no pretty landscaping anywhere, bleak empty lots from torn down buildings, many dilapidated sections of town, and just the overall energy of the place oozed of depression and sadness and hopelessness.  the only reason i would go back would be to shoot again with our delightful hostess.   maybe in the summer when it's warm, it would be nice to walk along the boardwalk, but it was just too cold for me right now.

we shot in a beautiful two bedroom condo, then a gorgeous studio apartment, and a scrumptious three bedroom penthouse suite all overlooking the jersey shore, and that part was a lot of fun.  the people i shot with were all very nice.  but the city below was just.....sad.  i did get to go to a casino for a few hours and i really did not enjoy that experience.  no happiness...even among the wealthy there who COULD afford to lose money. 

i have never really liked gambling and that visit to that casino just confirmed to me that it is just not my thing.  i try not to judge others who love it and enjoy it, but for me, i just cannot see literally throwing away my hard-earned money for absolutely no pleasure at all.  at least when i pay outrageous fees for movie tickets and popcorn and a drink, there is (hopefully) a good hollywood picture to view...but at the casino, the sounds and flashing lights and card games and slots just did nothing for me as far as entertainment value.

it sounds like i may be going up to maryland late spring or late summer for more shoots, but not too much information on that yet. 

in the meantime, i am so glad to be home.

i was supposed to shoot the second weekend in april here in central florida but i canceled it.  just not up to it because of the family situation. 

i'll be over on the space coast by cocoa beach all next week, if anyone wants to meet for iced tea.

in atlantic city shooting da porn....had one family crisis already that i was able to handle by phone.  wasn't able to shoot anymore that day because of it....just emotionally exhausted.  i'm here for a few more days if nothing requires me to head home early.

today was the first day in almost three weeks that was actually hopeful.

we are all exhausted but hanging in there.

thank you to all the wonderful people who have replied to my inquiry.

we are still dealing with psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, targeted case managers, ARNPs, the facility where he was baker acted, and due to an unfortunate turn of events, a whole other entity that i would rather never have to deal with again. 

as soon as things settle down i'll be responding to everyone.  thank you so much for your replies.  it's really given me some hope.

if you or a loved one suffers from schizophrenia, i would really appreciate you mailing me.  i found out this week a loved one may have it.  all kinds of testing will be done this week to get a diagnosis but the signs are pointing toward schizophrenia. 

thanks to all who reply.

my bedroom screen door and my living room screen door are both right by confederate jasmine plants.  my whole home is perfumed with the sweet scent.  i love it! actually had to unplug the febreze room freshener because the jasmine is so overpowering!  i am only burning unscented ritual candles because it's so strong! 

this is the perfect weather of paradise for which we wait all year, and go through horrifically hot summers. 

hope everyone is doing well and having a fantastic weekend  :-) 

have to be up in less than six hours for a girls' day out.  going to land o' lakes with my tantra mentor where we will feast at a restaurant that literally sits on a beautiful lake filled with birds, turtles, fish, and alligators, then off to spend way too much money, as always, at a boutique that, strangely enough, caters to all the nudist resorts there (how's that for irony?) and then to get our hair cut and styled by the best stylist i've ever had touch my hair.  and finally, stopping off at a nursery where if i find the perfect lavender rose bush or a variegated bougainvillea, they will find a home right in front of my new screen porch that i am enjoying tremendously.  really looking forward to this - it's been too long since i've just had a fun day with a gal pal doing girly things with no men involved ;-) now if there was a massage, manicure and pedicure involved, that would be PERFECT!

it's been a rough week away from home, getting hit with issues in all directions.  and to top it off, i had to go to the doctor and am on strong antibiotics, and taking stronger probiotics to help guard against the dreaded yeast infection side effect from antibiotic use.  also fighting a cough, and my lungs are giving me major trouble.  not sure why. 

on a good note, my southern-charms sales have exceeded my goal for the month again already, and it's not even the end of the month.  very happy about that, as i still have a few more car repairs in my near future and need to save up for lots of traveling in the near future. 

didn't have any time to play while in the space coast :-(  maybe next time.  i hope.  i really really hope.

i get a lot of fan mail on here, from all over the world, commenting on my photos or my websites.  out of 999 emails, i may get 1 that is negative, critical, or downright obscenely rude.  these really don't upset me.  i don't have room in my life for negativity or mean criticism, or the people who choose this method of communication.  i wish them well, but it's not going to get a rise out of me. 

i received one earlier this week, and my reply basically was that i was not going to be upset about his mean comments, and that i was literally laughing my way to the bank.  he sarcastically said he was sure bill gates was envious of my bank account. 

well, i'm not in competition with bill gates, and i never said i was.  my financial goal is to make a comfortable life for myself now and in the future, and if needed, for my kids also, and that's exactly what i'm doing.  negative sarcasm like that is pointless.  i'm not sure what affect he wished his comments to have on me, but it's like water rolling off a duck's back.  and this, from a man who won't post photos of himself.  hmmmmm....

anyway, i'm staying home this week and working, because i did absolutely positively no work all this week, at all.  no privacy for one thing!  and too busy.  i got kinda spoiled going out a lot there every weekend for a while and i must say i'm gonna miss it this weekend.  but i'm also looking forward to having some quiet time at home, keeping the porn machine running hard :-)

my cats are again mad at me and have boycotted my bed tonight for being gone all week.  i know by tomorrow i'll be forgiven, but  i really wish they'd get in here, i do need some therapeutic fur NOW.  i almost brought home a stray cat whose loud insistent meowing woke me up every morning this week where i was staying but i didn't.  i bet THAT cat would be on my lap right now, loving all the attention i'd be bestowing on it.  my cats are so spoiled. 

my photographer is just too busy with his full time job and shooting four other southern-charms to help me develop my two clips4sale sites.  i'm talking with a photographer i've used in the past to see if we can meet monthly for shoots to get those two sites making money.  if we mutually decide it wouldn't work for us, i'd love to hear from others who would consider this.  my photographer for southern-charms is making a pretty decent monthly commission from my sales on there....this could be a good thing if i can get these two sites doing what they should be.

had a real nice time last night at club deluptous.  a few nice folks from here made it out there too and it was nice to meet in person.  i entered a lap dance contest - didn't win, but it was fun.  met a few folks who, i come to find out, are also in the lifestyle.  i love it when that happens.

i was going to go to the lakeland local bdsm group tonight but i feel like i've been run over by a freight train.  just got back from a neuromuscular massage therapist, and have another 1.5 hour appointment at another therapist later tonight.  been thinking about doing some tai chi or something gentle like that to begin to get back into shape.  i now have a big beautiful screened in porch in which to do that.  and that walking trail is just minutes from my house and now is the perfect time of year to begin.  but it seems like something always comes up or when i do have time, i am too exhausted to do anything. 

i admire people who devote time to staying in fit every single day.  i decided i am not going to go out and join a gym.  if i can't even get my ass in front of the TV to do a DVD of exercise, i'm certainly not going to drag my ass to the closest gym, even if it is only ten miles away.  a contract for $30 a month is not enough to change my bad habits.

i had such a blast webcamming this week.  it was probably my best week EVER in my history of six years doing this.

off to club deluptous tonight at 1915 east colonial in orlando for a "pretty in pink" bbw party and my partner in crime/gal pal (yes, the other half of my "lesbian stripper duo") will be celebrating her birthday there.  should be fun!  come on out and buy her a drink.  then buy me one since you missed my birthday in december ;-)

wishing everyone a great weekend now, in case i'm too comatose tomorrow to do so.

OMG What Have I Done? Part 2.

http://www.centerfoldstrips.com/Entertainers/Talent-Details.aspx?id=3435

I still can't believe she talked me into this.

Don't wait!  Call now for the ONLY bbw lesbian stripper act in the nation!  LOL!

the goodfellaz party was an awesome, fricken' blast.  i was just supposed to be a safety hatch and observe but my partner in crime and i ended up doing.....wait....what happens at the party, stays at the party....never mind ;-)

anyway, the above partner in crime got me involved in yet another entrepreneur adventure.  she's on there too, after all, this is all her doing.  but here's my page.

http://www.centerfoldstrips.com/Entertainers/Talent-Details.aspx?id=3427

i can't believe i did this.

off to a goodfellaz party in kissimmee.  i really don't wanna go but my partner in crime says if i don't go with her, she'll be kidnapped and sold into white slavery and i will forever feel the guilt.  damn it.

never one to waste a good opportunity, i'll just pass out business cards and pimp my porn :-)

it's official...i will be flying out to atlantic city with my photographer in late march to shoot with a ton of people.  i have a feeling there will be even more partying than shooting, but i am ok with that...my photographer is helping me with the concept of a working vacation - in other words, not to be so anal about it having to be work work work, shoot shoot shoot.  that it's ok to have some fun too. 

i must say i am really looking forward to it. 

as long as all the shoots are INDOORS.  me + cold weather = cranky and pain-ridden sammie

the trip to the quaint little coastal georgia barrier island was absolutely wonderful.  we had a few things happen that will probably cause gales of laughter whenever we talk about them.  definitely good memories were created to last hopefully for years to come.  the days flew by.  of course we didn't have time to do all that we wanted to do but we did manage to cram quite a few things in.  we'll just have to go back and do them another time, it's as simple as that!

she really wants to drive cross country all alone when she moves to oregon march 1st, and that scares me, but i think i may have talked her into letting me go with her as far as sedona, AZ and then i'd fly back home by myself. 

probably balling my head off the whole flight.

anyway, it's nice to be home even though i am heading to tampa today for yet more car repairs, and i'll be working in st. petersburg tomorrow.  wednesday i hope to have a day to collapse. 

i met a wonderful couple from the chicago area, transplanted to cocoa beach, while i was visiting over there last week and really liked them from the start.  we have a play date for the next time i'm in town :-)  can't wait!!!  he's reportedly very, very good at single tails.  sammie loooooooves single tails!  so excited about that!

i would have loved to have taken them up on their offer to play last thursday, but a simple realignment of my car turned into a mad dash to a dealership to get a bunch more stuff done, all for under the price that tire kingdom quoted me to get three things done.  and tire kingdom tried to sell me one repair that i really didn't need.  i learned my lesson.  no more tire kingdom.  thanks to a great mechanic friend in tampa, who called the dealership to get a base price, i saved well over $400.  i'm sure i could have saved more if i went to an independent mechanic, but we just didn't have the time to shop around - i had to leave with my daughter for georgia the very next day. 

after i get the repairs done today, i'll still have one major repair to do - the passenger wheel hub assembly - but that can wait a few weeks.  my finances need some serious replenishing after this roadtrip down memory lane to georgia, and the $1K+ i've already spent in car repairs.

it was a hoot because as i was waiting at the dealership for the repairs, i was able to test drive a new sonata, a new santa fe and a new tuscon.  i must say the santa fe was tempting.  two guys were doing a combination of hard/soft sell and as much as i loved the SUV, i just smiled and nodded.  i definitely have a new goal to save up for.

well, i am rambling...which is pretty much what all these swirling thoughts are doing in my brain right now.  when i get home tonight i hope to have enough energy to do a grounding and centering ritual to get my head back to a more quiet place.  hope everyone is having a wonderful day.  i'll be youtubing the best superbowl commercials and the black eyed peas halftime show tonight.  message me with your favorite commercial!

having a wonderful time on the space coast.  saw an old friend monday evening, met a couple who are also from the chicago area yesterday morning, and enjoying the rest of time with family.  i wanted to go to the melbourne group (not sure if it's an official melbourne munch, or just an informal kinky BDSM coffee group) that met for coffee last night but my son was delayed and by the time i got him back home, it was about time for it to be over.  was disappointed i couldn't make it but there will be others, hopefully.

friday my oldest child and i go off to one of our favorite places in the southeast for a weekend of reliving old memories and making new ones.  i was disappointed because the place that was our first choice unexpectedly raised the rates by 33% so we went with our second choice but that is still going to be a lovely accommodation.  we are making a short side trip to st. augustine as well.  our itinerary just keeps growing and i don't know how we are going to cram all this into one weekend but we are going to try our best!  i don't know when she will be back to this side of the country, so we are going to take advantage of this time while we have it.  i do look forward to visiting her in oregon and am saving up money already to fly out there this summer.  i know we will visit seattle as she loves it there.

my second oldest child bought me an MP3 player, a cigarette lighter splitter, and a system that plays the MP3 music through my car's stereo system.  so now i can have my GPS and this MP3 system plugged in at the same time!  that was so thoughtful of him.

and my youngest child is doing well - those of you who know me know that he has been a major source of concern and worry for me, but these past few trips have shown him to be the best he's been in years.  i am looking forward to taking another long walk on the beach with him this afternoon.  the weather is absolutely perfect - sunny and 74 degrees.

it looks like i will be flying to atlantic city with my photographer and a fellow charm that i've become close with, and meeting two other charms there, and well as a southern-gent (the male equivalent of a southern-charm) for a week full of fun, fun, fun, shoots, fun, fun, fun and shoots.  my photographer and the fellow charm are helping me deal with this new way of doing things - going away somewhere and having FUN and not having it be all about shoots, shoots, shoots.  when i go away for a weekend to shoot, that is ALL we do.  SHOOT!  no time for meals hardly, let alone fun (well, fun that is not part of the shoot).  so i'm having difficulty wrapping my brain around spending money on a plane ticket for mostly FUN and not work!  but i think if they pour enough wine in me, that should go a long way toward helping me with that problem.  or, as we found out in our last shoot together in cocoa beach, tequila seems to greatly help me stop being such a freakin' workaholic. 

i'm hearing of friends and family being buried in snow up north.  i remember those days.  i don't miss that in the least.  i sit here typing this out on a second story balcony next to a humongous banyan tree in capris and a short sleeved shirt, the sun hitting my legs, the birds twittering just a few feet from me, and am so glad that cold snap we had left us alone finally.  not sure how i will deal with atlantic city in march...hopefully they will have a very unseasonably warm spring!

today's agenda...enjoy my time with family. 

packing for a week at the space coast.  then taking my oldest child to a small southeastern georgia island next weekend before she moves clear across the continent.  if anyone wants to get together for drinks or iced tea while i'm in the satellite beach area this week, just holler.

the lakeland locals group was a great time!  met some wonderful people.

the love loft afterward was so much fun.  the only bad part is that my work cell phone is completely destroyed :-(  gotta replace it asap...it's necessary for makin' da money!

my swinging buddy brought a coworker and he and i really hit it off.  we all went to his house after the love loft closed and things really got cookin' there.

off to bed for me....supposed to have my car worked on in tampa in 4.5 hours!

if anyone in tampa would like to meet up, i'll be stranded near waters and dale mabry without a car for about five hours tomorrow.  just don't call me on my work phone :-)~

after the lakeland locals group, i am being dragged kicking and screaming against my will to the orlando love loft for BBC night.  if anyone wants to meet up there, give me a holler.

going to the new lakeland locals group tonight.  hope it fares better than the previous group!

off to get an alignment.  on my car!  get your head out of the gutter!

;-)

part 3 of the squirrel saga.

so many people have asked about the welfare of the poor squirrel, i felt it deserved an update.

would you believe he's still in my closet?  hasn't had anything to eat or drink for over 36 hours.  i feel horrible about this, just horrible.

he came out today, a few times, and i had my outside door open wide...you think he would scurry out of it.  nope, he scuttered around the room in a panic, and kept launching himself into the windows, thinking it was the outside, not knowing what glass is, i suppose.  i felt so bad for him. 

i tried and tried and tried to use a long stick to lead him outside but he kept avoiding being pushed outside, and went back into hiding.  the door right to my backyard was not even 12 feet away.  wide open.  leading to freedom.  the backyard.  so close yet so far.  sure, the backyard has cats in it, but he stands a better chance out there than he does in here.

speaking of cats, they are no help.  i have to herd them out of my room and shut the door on them, otherwise one is always here to keep watch.  i swear they are rotating in shifts, with mama kitty guarding the front door just in case.

i really don't know what to do about this.  a bad thing is that there are so many places for him to hide in my room.  it looks like a porn studio's wardrobe department in here.  seriously.  i have two industrial clothesracks full of porn clothes right next to my bed, and a closet full of it too.  he's been hiding in the clothesracks, in the closet, and between my two dressers (which, by the way, are also full of porn clothes - i really need to have a porn clothes garage sale although i don't think they would sell too well here in this Bible belt town for some reason...)

but i digress.

mr. squirrel must be thirsty, and starving.  his eyes were wild, and he was darting around in a panic.  this is heartbreaking and i truly am at a loss as to what to do.

i leave here tomorrow for fours days, am back overnight, then leave for another day, then back overnight, and then i'll be gone for over a week.  the window (or back door) of opportunity for this squirrel is swiftly closing. 

:-(

how long can a squirrel last without food and water???

really enjoying the feline stories readers are sending me.  please keep them coming.  love it!

the continuing saga of cornered squirrel.

i took the cats' food outside to get them away from the squirrel.  two of them took the bait.  the third remained steadfast in her position on the bed.

i found a long stick and tried to gently push the squirrel down from my bedroom door top.  with eyes glazed over and wide with fright, it growled and sputtered at me and tried to climb the stick to reach me - i am assuming it's goal was to bite me and claw my eyes out.  this of course caused the two cats outside feasting on whiskas turkey giblets in gravy to come racing in.  i got the squirrel down on the floor, hoping to get it out my back door, which was strategically placed wide open ahead of time.

unfortunately, the squirrel didn't understand, and is now holed up in my closet again, terrified out of its skull.  two cats are back on the bed staring at the closet floor, the third is standing guard at the closet door.  they got the poor thing covered.  it doesn't stand a chance.

i really sympathize with that poor thing.

and to make matters worse, i did two loads of laundry yesterday.  the cats have decided they needed to mark their territory to let the squirrel know this is THEIR bedroom, and have used my fresh laundry still in the laundry basket as their kitty litter box.  instead of laundry smelling like rainfresh blossoms, it smells like eau de feline pee.

oh joy.

mutual of omaha's wild kingdom has nothing on this.

at least i know my cats do not suffer from ADHD.

my cats have a hatred for squirrels. 

it's an intense, consuming, no-holds-barred hatred.

which upsets my landlady's brother, i think, because he feeds the squirrels as pets.  and has watched as my cats have killed his "pets" one by one.

some months back i journaled about the mayhem in my bed, right in front of me, performed by my otherwise loving, affectionate sweetheart, mama kitty.  then, very recently, another squirrel was found in my living room.  amazingly not decapitated, but dead, nonetheless.  i've been told (although i have not witnessed it for myself) that my cats take perverse pleasure in treeing the squirrels for hours, staring overhead at the branches, tails twitching, mercilessly trapping their prey in the tree for hours on end. 

and this morning, i woke up to the sound of a "chirp chirp chirp!"  i thought they brought a bird into the living room and were reveling in its final death song.  but no, it's not a bird.  it's yet another squirrel.  who is now in my bedroom, panicked, scrambling around my closet, and now perched on top of the door.  two cats are on my bed watching it's every shudder, and the third cat is on the other side of the door, on the steps, leering at it and i swear i see drool in one corner of her mouth. 

i feel so sorry for this squirrel.  i want to get up and usher it harmlessly through two cat doors and send it on its way and apologize for what must be multiple puncture wounds from fangs and who knows what other damage has been done to it, and do the right thing and offer to pay for its psychiatric counseling sessions for the resulting PTSD which surely will haunt this poor critter the rest of its life.

but i have visions of going near the door, having it jump on my head, bite my scalp, and claw my eyes out, in revenge for my cats traumatizing it half to death.  so i watch.  i watch my cats watch the squirrel watch the cats.  i watch four tails twitching. 

this has been going on for several hours and two of the cats who are on my bed are laying their head down to rest, eyes closed.  no worries, the last cat out on the other side is keeping the vigil.  i think they silently decided who would take which watch, and for how many hours. 

i really need to pass through that doorway.  but i also need to do so in a manner that doesn't expose me to rabies and claws and fangs.  haven't quite figured out how to do that yet.

never a dull moment around here, that's for sure.  

ahh shit.  it just chirped.

ooops...no fashion show for me tonight.  my gal pal didn't see the age requirements and i am waaaayyyy too old to qualify.  but go check it out at www.clubdeluptousbbw.com

oh, how could i forget about the shoots? the shoots in cocoa beach were a lot of fun. there were several highlights. first, i shot with a woman who is truly bisexual.  my photographer shoots both of us and knew that when we finally met up, there would be chemistry.  he was right.  unfortunately, she lives in new jersey and has to fly down here every so often to shoot.  well, we met, we clicked, and we shot.  and i shot her. 

i have never, ever squirted while having someone give me oral sex before.  but i shot her in the face - i ruined her makeup and i soaked her hair, while she was eating me out.  she wasn't even massaging my g-spot!  i didn't even know i could squirt without having my g-spot massaged!  what the heck!  i was shocked.  she was soaked.  our photographer was stoked!  

another good shoot was all five of the girls my photographer shoots were able to be together last night in cocoa beach, so he did a photo and a video shoot of all five of us.  it took hours, but it was worth it.  we got some great work done.  most of us are BBWs and i must say it looked pretty darn good to see us big beautiful women all together heating up his camera lens.  we previewed the photos on the big screen afterward and did our share of "oooooh"ing and "ahhhhhhhh"ing.  it was fun.  i can honestly say i liked each and every one of the girls.  i had known and shot with two of them already and now i feel complete that i've met all of us, heh heh. 

the one that has so much chemistry with me, from NJ, invited me to come to her timeshare in atlantic city the last week of march.  my photographer will be coming up there to shoot us.  i am soooo gonna be there!  sign me up :-)

so, if any of you peeps from that area want to meet up between shoots, give me a holler so we can start plotting and planning.

can't wait!

gonna be hitting the webcams hard.  have a very few expensive repairs on my car coming up, and an expensive trip to southern coastal georgia the first week of february.  if you ever wanted to see what happens in a phonesex/webcam call, give me a holler and i'll tell ya how you can reach me on my preferred wc/ps platform.  you must have yahoo instant messenger 10.0 or better, or skype.  both are easy and fast to download.  both are easy and fast to learn.  both are free.  the PS/WC session, however, is not free.  i'll give you a discounted rate ;-)

looking forward to the fashion show tonight even though i have a sore throat and a very congested nose and am feeling run down.  but it's gonna be 31 fricken degrees out tonight!  i thought this was central florida.  right?  is this not central florida?  is this not where northern tourists save up for a long time so they can come down here to escape...oh let's see....escape perhaps below freezing temperatures?  geez louise.

have a fucktabulous day today and keep warm!

dragged my sorry old ass home and am having a difficult time typing because three neglected kitties are walking all over my keyboard and my lap and bumping my hand to be pet and worshipped.

so glad to be home.  was offered a place to crash back in cocoa beach tonight but just wanted the comfort of my own bed.  had no chance to see friends. 

am going to be in a plus sized fashion show tomorrow somewhere near orlando.  if you'd like to come cheer me and a fellow southern-charm webmodel on, give me a holler and i'll send you the details.

i'm off to bed to collapse.  have a great weekend!

sorry for the delay in replying to emails.  been extremely busy with extended, unplanned shoots, and family on the space coast.  no time for visiting friends yet.  haven't had internet access until now.  :-(  may not be time to visit with anyone this trip because of the unexpected shoots.  if you have my number, leave a voice mail.

thinking it may be time to trade in my baby.  several hundreds of dollars have not found where the evaporation emission controls leak is.  several hundreds of dollars more have not found out where the thump thump thump comes from which is increased with speed.  it's very loud. 

i love my car.  hate the thought of getting rid of it.  hate the thought of having a car payment again. 

and the CV joints are clicking.  again.

:-( 

doing much better today.  actually enjoying listening to the rain go pitter patter on the tin roof of my new porch.  woke up very early and watched the dawn slowly grow brighter,  while actually being able to say, "i am glad i am here on this planet."  and all three cats had to have their turn on my lap - nothing like therapeutic fur when you need it. 

i've had some very interesting...no, fascinating...responses to my journal entries of late, from all over the world with many comments and suggestions.  it's been very thought provoking and i appreciate that. 

i believe in laying all this out there for the world to see, because i know there are many others who go through this cyclic depression, and they have many loved ones who are scared, angry, confused, nervous, concerned, etc., over their loved one as they watch them slip down further and further.  perhaps my writing can shed some light on what a person goes through during these times.  there's a lot of judging and misconception and miscommunication during depressive episodes, and towards people who suffer from depression, and it is my hope i can help just a little bit by being transparent during those episodes and letting people into the mind of a person going through it.

i'm shooting in cocoa beach this week with a girl who's flying in from NJ and a male webmodel who's coming in from NY, and hoping to stop by and visit with many friends on my way to and from the shoots. 

wishing everyone a wonderful week.

i'm trying to figure out why this depression is settling in like a dense fog that is so thick, i can't get my head up over it to see the sunlight. 

is it my health?  is it my hormones?  is it some cosmic imbalance?  is it bad karma biting me in the ass?  is it just the old imbalance of brain chemicals?  do i need to embark on another spiritual housecleaning?  do i need a psychic cleansing? 

all i know is, it's caused me to think a lot about many things going on in my life. 

time has flown by this past decade.  in six more months, my familial responsibilities will take a major shift in direction and i will be free to do a lot more things.  i won't be totally free, but a lot more so than i am now.  i will be able to travel at a whim.  check out new areas.  meet people from all over the country.  perhaps the world.

i have been committed to the central florida area throughout my whole duration on collarme, and before that, alt.com and bondage.com (i started on those sites over ten years ago).  but that will be changing soon. 

in about a year, it's entirely possible that i can move anywhere in the world, as long as airplanes can bring me back to family at a moment's notice.  i would love to see the pacific northwest.  sedona will always call to me.  southern arizona was a bit too arid and the xeroscape got pretty boring but i did enjoy the dry heat and my bones and muscles felt so good there.  southern california sounds nice and warm and...well. southern california-ish.  the florida keys always were like paradise to me and i would cry as i drove back up toward miami.  i always wanted to go to new orleans.  of course, post-katrina, i'll never experience it in all it's former glory but i still would like to try it out. 

i don't think i will ever want to live where it gets brutally cold.  (of course, to me, anything below 40 degrees is brutally cold.) 

internationally, i've always wanted to try australia, new zealand, germany, amsterdam, ireland, scotland, spain, italy. (not the cold time of year for any of these though!) and will be able to do so.

so this will open up a lot of possibilities for me.  new places to live.  new people to meet.  new things to do.  new sites to see.  hopefully, new things to experience.   

i do know one thing though.  all these years i have made it clear on alt and bondage and collarme that i don't do long distance.  period.  no exceptions.  it is very frustrating to get to know someone online and through phone calls and webcam calls.  i attribute that to my borderline personality disorder.   i don't want to go into detail here, if you are really interested, go read about borderline personality disorder on the internet, especially the part about relationship attachments, and you may be able to understand people like me who say long distance DOES NOT WORK.  there must be a physical presence of someone, otherwise, things get bad.  very very bad. 

it doesn't matter how wonderful the other person is.  in ten plus years of being a part of the online bdsm community, i've been wooed with how handsome you are, how much money you make, how much experience you have, how many material possessions you have acquired in this lifetime, how big your cock is, how wonderful of a personality you have, how perfect you would be for me, even how much you love me. 

but all that doesn't matter.  because you cannot get past the barriers of borderline personality.  i've taken a lot of flak about this all these years, and have not backed down on my stance, but it's been this way for a very important reason.  mental stability.  pure and simple.

i realize now that my major depression recurrent and my borderline personality disorder and my bipolar disorder type II and my anxiety disorder not otherwise specified and who knows what else i have that i have not been diagnosed with (my sister swears i have OCD and other things), have not gone away.  all i have done is pretty much taken everything out of my life that would have triggered these things.  i've de-stressed my life so much, the symptoms have been allowed to lie dormant.  i've whittled my relationships down to those that are not a threat to me because they have no strife whatsoever. 

if i were to start communicating with someone who did not live nearby, i  know these symptoms would all rear their ugly head and either destroy the relationship, or force me to deal with them once and for all. 

dealing with my forms of mental illness means choosing a form of therapy, and sticking with it.  most forms of therapy require commitment, and a lot of time, as much as two to three times per week in individual and group therapy.  all without medical insurance.  and now that my porn income has increased so much more than before, i cannot qualify for low income psychiatric benefits through the state anymore.  i know i cannot commit to the time factor right now.  but perhaps in a year.  who knows?

in the meantime, right now, i am trying to determine which stressor(s) caused these symptoms to come out of the nebula.

and i am coming up with nothing. 

regarding relationships.  it seems like the past five or six important relationships i've had were whirlwind. 

we met.  we bonded.  we became inseparable.  we were very serious.  we faced a major crisis (usually, he lied to me).  we imploded.  we parted.  sometimes, we tried again.  with the same results. 

that's it in a nutshell.  history repeating itself over and over again.

so i've taken a break and sat on the sidelines and analyzed my history with men, and see that i've made the same mistakes over and over again.  and finally decided that this time, i can learn from my mistakes and have better results.

so i started going out on dates.  lots of dates.  dates from vanilla sites, dates from kinky sites.  i've met a lot of interesting men.  i've felt attraction to some of them.  most, once they found out what i do for a living, disappeared.  but that's ok.  i believe it is best to start a relationship with 100% honesty and i told them upfront what i do.  to be honest, i did not feel a chemistry with most of the men i went out with.  i've learned my taste in men has changed.  basically, i'm at the point in my life where they have to have more than a dick to keep my interest.  who would have thought?

so i met this person a few weeks ago and we had a wonderful time.  i went to his house for another date and we had a wonderful time.  i went to his house two nights ago and had a wonderful time. 

by now, going on my past relationship history, we would be practically moving in with each other.  seriously.  i mean, really, seriously -- i'm not joking.  but due to his work and school circumstances, (and perhaps the fact that he's just not into me as much as i am into him) this is not going to happen.  my emotions are saying, "he's not into me...this is going nowhere.  i feel rejection.  i am lacking.  i am inadequate."  but a normal person would look at this and say, "um, no, this is moving right along just as it should be.   it may take weeks, months, even years for a relationship to develop, and if that's the case, THAT'S OK."

so i realize that my borderline personality is still there.  still controlling, or trying to control.  still wanting to grasp with full force something that isn't even there yet, if it ever will be.

i realize that lately i have been very happy, very joyful, very much in tune with metaphysical happenings, and living in gratitude and gratefulness and feeling better than i have in years, perhaps my entire life, (although I have worked very hard to do so) until a very short while ago, and i cannot figure out why, but i know there must be SOME reason, and if i can only figure out what that reason is, i can address it and go forward and learn and grow and FIX IT.  

if i can get up the energy to get ready and go, i'll be going to sir steffan's dungeon tonight.  i know that is only a quick temporary fix.  i know that by this time tomorrow the depression will have come back in full force once the endorphins wear off.  part of me is saying, "so why bother?"  but another part is saying, "because in times like these, you need to stay connected to the human race and not go into your psychic cave." 

i just cannot put my finger on what went wrong and why the depression came back.  i just want to know WHY.  i feel that the WHY is very important in conquering this. 

does ANYBODY out there understand all this?  or i am just completely insane?

and why the heck does collarme keep adding all these blank lines between my paragraphs????

had a nice dinner at olive garden last night and then a nice post-dinner fuck and that did help the depression but when i got back home at 8 a.m. this morning, it just hit me hard again.

as soon as i get some cat doors installed in my new porch today and the handyman leaves, i am going to do some meditation and grounding and re-centering and intention rituals, some aromatherapy and take a long walk on the trail.  even though it's freezing (well, 58 degrees might as well be freezing for me) outside.

if i don't get too depressed, i'm going to go to sir steffan's swinging/bdsm party tomorrow night - that always helps.

on the way home from my friend's house this morning, i stopped by wal-mart to replace the fourth bluetooth i've lost in less than two months, and stocked up on salads, fruit and other healthy stuff, even getting the diabetic-friendly yogurt, in case junk food and too much sugar is adding to this depression.

i'm even too depressed to warm up the delicious left over tortelloni and chicken.

i never realized just how many people all over the world read this blog.  i have gotten many PMs on here from really sweet people filled with encouragement and advice and the offer to talk.  thank you to each and every one of you.  a few have said it's time to go back on the medication.  i understand why they feel that way but i am going to fight that with every ounce of energy i have, which, admittedly, is not very much.

on this last tampa trip, i wanted to check out a sissy salon, a dungeon, and a tantra workspace plus meet a few more long-time friends and new friends but it just didn't happen.  but i am very grateful for the few friends i did see this trip.

a very dear friend has been giving me raunchy bdsm greeting cards for years and he gave me two over lunch at my favorite mexican restaurant by the veteran's expressway, and i left them at the restaurant on the table  :-(  i lost another bluetooth yesterday morning.  a stunt cock left his t-shirt.  another guy left his underwear.  my photographer left a bunch of stuff in the cabinet.  i lost another phone charger.  i left an extension cord at the hotel behind a couch.  a ring that i left at a play date last year that was just given back to me before my birthday is now lost again.  another stunt cock left his black hood.  my bisexual gal pal who shot with me left her black negligee.  i bought a new purple ring and can't find it.  i lost one earring during a shoot and couldn't find it. 

and of course, during the last shoot, something got lost and i am just not going to explain that because it's way too embarrassing. 

anyway, i am not kidding or exaggerating about all that stuff going wrong.  this whole trip was about me and those around me losing things and leaving things behind.  very very strange.  and it all just added to my sense of being off balance.

if i disappear for a while, it means either i am too depressed to journal, or i am attending every single bdsm/swinging function i can possibly manage for some much needed endorphin/serotonin/dopamine/norepinephrine/oxytocin therapy!

It's been a challenge here in Tampa.  I don't often get lonely.  Heck, I rarely get lonely.  Actually, I can't even remember the last time I was lonely.  But on this trip, after the shoots were over and the photographer went home and the stunt cocks were drained, and my bisexual costar headed back east, I have been very lonely even though I have been busy working, seeing clients, and even have pushed myself out of my comfort zone to see a few friends I haven't seen in a long time to reconnect with them a bit.

But I feel out of sorts, disconnected, disjointed.  I miss my cats.  I miss my home.  Yet I dread packing up and going back home. 

And I am frustrated, very frustrated, over circumstances with a certain person that are beyond my control.  And I am not sure how I am going to handle it.  As I see it, there are two choices, and neither of them are good.

It's been 27 months since I've been on any antidepressants, after years and years of being on them.  In all this time, I think I've managed it pretty well.  No suicidal episodes, no not being able to get out of bed for 17 to 21 days in a row, no major mood swings.  Even after a serious break up and another relationship that fizzled.  My emotions and my life hasn't been this stable in years, even though I am in the middle of a legal procedure, and doing many stressful things financially, and making important business decisions.  But for the first time in a long time, I have to be honest with myself and say that I am starting to feel the onset of depression. 

At long last, my porch is finished.  The porch I have been dreaming about for months and months and months.  I am hoping that when I return home, I will have a few days just to sit outside on my new porch, provided the weather will cooperate, and just relax and re-ground and re-center myself.  Recline back on my beautiful teakwood lounge chair, with a glass of iced tea or wine beside me, both phones shut off, a good book in my lap, (well, the kitties must have first priority in the lap, and THEN the book can be arranged around them) and maybe the laptop close by just to stay connected a tiny bit with the world.  Maybe then, the depression will lift, and maybe then, I can make a wise decision about the situation with that certain someone, if there even is a situation that needs to be decided. 

I feel like there is a bitter stinging going on inside of me, very unpleasant, very disconcerting.  Also an ache, a longing.  For what, I have no idea. 

While all my sessions have gone really well, I cannot help but wonder if the energy around me, and the energy I am putting out there, is somehow hindering my work.  My clients deserve 110% and they will receive it, and I am pushing myself harder and harder to give it to them; but this works counteractive in that I am draining myself to give them the best I can.  This is weighing heavily on me and I can't go to sleep tonight.

My next shoot is January 18-19 in Melbourne, and then January 27 in Kissimmee.  After that, we will be shooting February 12 and 13 - location to be determined.  I hope I can shake this melancholy soon.  A lot of work needs to be in done and I don't have the time to be out of it.

thank you thank you thank you to everybody who asked how the shoots went.  for those who didn't ask but want to know, they went GREAT!  except for the very last one. 

we did a lot of bdsm and fetish in the last two days and of course those are my favorite!  and my photographer, who calls himself a freak, was in his glory as he was directing and simultaneously shooting me and another submissive female getting sexually dominated, spanked and otherwise tormented by a male.  that was a hoot.  i did some ball busting, trampling and facesitting in exchange for some bdsm content with a guy who is making a living on clips4sale with his ball busting store.  i shot with a great black guy who flogged me, paddled me, spanked me and then fucked me raw.  

also did some fetish shoots like cigar smoking (cough cough cough) and foot worship, toes, feet, shoes, pantyhose, thigh highs, upskirts....

but the last shoot....OMG.  i know EB, a new stunt cock who found me here on CM,  is reading this and it makes me cringe even more because i know he is remembering what happened.  let me say that this was the most embarrassing shoot i've ever done in my life, and that's the stuff that was off camera.  on camera was hardcore anal fucking, pussy fucking, hard spanking, extreme gagging, retching and at one point, a partial sticky roman shower due to rough forced deep throating.  my makeup was destroyed within five minutes of the shoot.  i am too mortified to say what happened off camera, but i'll just say latex gloves and several towels were needed.  but yes, everything, and i do mean EVERYTHING, came out ok in the end.  and the money shot in the form of a facial was hot, to say the least. 

'nuf said.

Mistress Trysta is in residence now, and between two solid days of shooting and already seeing clients, i am exhausted, and am off to bed.  tomorrow is an early morning of beating some ass.  

hope everyone is having a good weekend. 

and now, the mayhem begins.  i'll be out of commission for the next few days, maken' da porn.

wishing everyone a fucktabulous weekend.

ok, two out of two.  so far so good.  and nope, i'm not going into any further detail.  ;-)  at least not now.

for all those who have asked, yes, there is a digital version of big butt magazine where you can see all the XXX photos of me and read my article.  i do not get one dime from your subscription, i just got a flat fee for the shoot.  so i hope you enjoy it, but please don't join thinking it will benefit me financially directly.  i have my websites for that, LOL!

http://www.undercovermags.com/browse/publications/indexp?offercode=PH01&productId=223000165&pss=1&av=1

for some reason, CM isn't allowing the full website URL so you must manually type in a period and then j and then an s between /index and p?offercode.

enjoy!

i will never, ever, EVER go past olde town in kissimmee and not get goosebumps and smile a big smile.  and that's all i'm gonna say :-)))

everybody who said they would like to shoot with me this weekend, if you emailed me at the email address i requested you to, you should have an email from me with information.  time slots are really going quickly so please pick yours asap.

thank you!

this past year i've been learning a lot about the metaphysical way of looking at things vs. the christian viewpoint i was taught all my life.

it's been quite an eye opener.

but it's one thing to read about it, and think about it, and quite another thing to EXPERIENCE it.

yesterday was one of those times for me that i was able to experience it in a way that will forever stay in my memory, and maybe even change my life.

i've been working with tantra quite a bit the past two years, but it usually has been with a m/f dynamic or a m/f/f dynamic.  i rarely get to do it in a f/f setting. 

last night i went to sir steffan's dungeon for his swingers/bdsm new year's eve party.  the energy was absolutely, positively, incredible.  there was a poly family there and i could tell immediately that there was a massive amount of positive sexual energy exuding from them.  so that right there made the party dynamic a charged atmosphere.

i have had bad experiences going to the local bdsm dungeons in florida whether as a single, or as a couple, because of the horrible problem of cliques.  those who are accepted into the cliques perhaps do not remember what it is like to go somewhere for the first time, and feel awkward and out of place because the majority of people are in their own clique.  i have been told all year long that i am not the only person who feels this way and who has experienced this.  more and more i hear, "yeah, i went there, and i will never go back...." and it is always because of the cliques.

the reason i love sir steffan's so much is because there are no cliques there.  it is small, it is intimate, and sooner or later, you will have opportunity to be near every person there.  striking up a conversation is an easy matter.  and most people there are easy to talk to, and happy to talk.  newcomers are welcomed with open arms.  it's no wonder that most people come back.  and come back again.  and again.  because there is a sense of COMMUNITY.  this has been the case for the 10+ years i've been going there.

i feel that if the florida dungeons want to break away from the stigma of cliques, they will need to build community.  the owners, the staff, the DMs, and the ATTENDEES OF THE PARTIES, need to build community.  when you go up to the buffet table, is it really that difficult to say, "hi, my name is _______, welcome!  glad to meet you!"  sometimes that's all it takes to make a person feel comfortable and welcome.  but if you are too wrapped up in your group, you won't even notice that newbie right there next to you, whom you could welcome and perhaps change the outcome of their life!  i feel it is up to the owners to acknowledge the problem, and address the problem.  and i hope they do.  for their sakes, for the florida bdsm community's sake, and for the sakes of all the patrons, especially the newbies who need a safe place to watch, learn, grow, and experience.

but i digress!!!

back to sir steffan's dungeon last night.  there was great energy, and like i said in my prior journal entry, i needed to get grounded spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically.  within minutes of arriving, i was already feeling a peace...such a deep peace.  those who know me well know i HATE going to parties alone.  but i never felt alone there last night, not once.  it was blessedly blissful!

there was a couple there - he was a regular, she was a newbie to EVERYTHING.  i cannot go into detail here because i don't want to break something that was private and intimate, but i can say i experienced something spiritual with her === it turned out to be more of a spiritual encounter vs. a physical encounter.  whether there was a penis or a pussy, whether a person is male or female, whether there is softness or hardness, in the spiritual realm, IT DOESN'T MATTER.  it is ALL sexual energy.  it is ALL divine.  it is ALL sacred sexuality.  the body parts don't matter.  the thought process that a male vs. a female engages doesn't matter.  it transcended the physical and went to the spiritual level. 

i am still reeling from it, and grasping the significance of it. 

that is why i hate homophobia.  i hate it when bisexual men are looked down upon, either by other men, or women.  the genitalia you have in this body ultimately doesn't matter.  it's your spirit that ultimately matters.  we may not all be male. we may not all be female.  but WE ARE ALL SPIRIT!

there's so much detail i'd love to share, but because of the intimate setting, it would be sharing something too personal and i don't want the other people's privacy to be violated.  but i will say this.  i will be forever grateful to them for giving me the honor and privilege of joining them in their exploratory journey together, it made a huge impact on me.

i went there last night expecting nothing.  i knew i would be meeting new people.  i knew i would be in a safe, comfortable place.  i was hoping for more birthday spankings (which i did get :-))))) and i was hoping to share some sexual energy.  but i never ever dreamed it would take such a turn and make such an impact on me.

sir steffan came up to me and took my face between both of his hands and said, "wow, if i could capture your face right now....it's been so long since i've seen you glowing like this!"  the credit for that glow totally goes to that couple, and the exchange they allowed me to facilitate.

my tantra mentor believes in having her clients RECEIVE.  she is the giver, they are the receiver in a session.  they have no "job" or "performance" to do whatsoever.  they are just there to put their brain on hold, and just feel, experience, submit to the journey, lean into the moment, and embrace it.  and last night i was able to put myself in the role of the facilitator and let this couple just be there, be present in the moment, enjoy, relax, and let it all go.  they were amazing, incredible, delightful, and it was all so soft, with loving intent and in an honoring way. 

i will never forget this new year's eve and am so grateful to have been a part of it.  what an incredible way to begin the new year.  i believe 2011 is going to be an extraordinary year!  so far, so good!

going to sir steffan's NYE party tonight.  could have went to the phoenix club's shindig or the woodshed's shindig or elsewhere, but i need to be grounded mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically tonight, so i'll be going to my "home dungeon."  www.lifestyleexplorers.org if you are curious and would like to attend his parties.  i've been going for over a decade and it's like family.

wishing everyone a safe and happy new year.  may your 2011 be the best year for you yet.  may your wishes come true.  may your desires be fruitful and bring you joy as they are fulfilled.  may you be prosperous in your relationships, your finances, your life's purpose, your vocational endeavors, your health, and in whatever area you need to expand and grow.

i hope near the stroke of midnight i will be sharing a kiss with those i love, and being flogged, paddled, spanked, and otherwise dominated by those who are pure of heart and true. 

i hope this year i will be able to give even just a portion back to those around me and who love me, just a fraction of what they've given  me throughout 2010.  

i am grateful that 2010 brought me a photographer that has made it possible to kick ass in the bbw amateur porn industry.  i hope that 2010 brought you something that was close to your heart's desire and that you are grateful for it.

i am grateful that 2010 brought me more spiritual awareness through the encouragement of my tantra mentor who is an amazingly incredible woman, unlike no other.  i hope that 2010 brought someone into your life who changed you irrevocably for the better, and that your spiritual life grew exponentially.  

i am grateful that 2010 brought me closer to loved ones as i was able to further remove barriers from my past, and work through grief and the guilt of my many failures.  i hope 2010 brought emotional and mental healing to you in whatever capacity you needed it.

i am grateful to ring in 2011 with hopes, dreams and wishes for an even better year than 2010, which, even through this dismal economy, was still a great year in many other ways. 

and that is what i wish to you for 2011 - that you may realize your deepest, fondest and most desired hopes, dreams and ambitions. 

ok, there's been at least a dozen of you guys who have said you want to shoot with me in tampa, january 7 and 8.  i gave you an email address and asked you to send me an email so i can get you on my "stunt cock list."  i've only gotten emails from two of you.  come on, guys, step up to the plate.  men of their word earn my respect.  not to mention, get pussy!

it's official!

http://www.twitpic.com/3l21xb

sammie february 2011 big butt magazine cover

someone who knows me too well messaged me and said, "who do you think you're fooling?  you could never date someone for six months and not have sex."

damn, i hate it when he's right.

i think in order to weed out those looking for a one night stand, i will no longer have sex with someone unless we've dated for six months. 

heh.

not that there's anything wrong with one night stands.  i've had tons of them in my lifetime, and continue to have them because of my work in porn.  but i am ready for more on a personal level.

so...you wanna fuck?  either sign up to do a shoot with me, or wine and dine me for half a year.

and suddenly....my inbox goes silent....

it's ok...i'll enjoy the peace and quiet.  :-)

and no, emailing for six months does not count.

good morning. i am still recovering from christmas and my birthday. time spent with family was beautiful and it was bittersweet because my oldest will be moving to oregon after the first of the year.  we had eggnog and rum and prime rib and salmon and tons of side dishes and opened presents and reminisced of childhood memories and drove around to look at christmas lights and listened to christmas carols. 

today is very cold again in my little fortress and it's time to crank up the heater.  tonight it will get down to 26 degrees.  i passed up a lovely steak dinner with a dear friend tonight because i just cannot take this cold anymore.

i'm seriously thinking of moving to arizona.  sedona just won't get out of my brain, i loved it there so much.  i am tired of the 100+ heat index in the summer here, and now for three years in a row (maybe more) it's been below freezing here.  this is not why i moved back to florida 12 years ago. 

i was supposed to play today but my play partner came down with flu, and perhaps it's for the best.  i will be home tonight making sure my kitties don't freeze their pretty paws off tonight.

hope everyone had a wonderful holiday and are recuperating and gearing up for new years eve next weekend! 

i plan on going to sir steffan's NYE party.  i need to be at my "home dungeon" this year.

i cooked a total of nine, yes, nine side dishes today and finished cleaning up the kitchen, wrapped presents and signed cards.  tomorrow (or actually, today) is going to be a wonderful feast with family.

but as of right now, now i am in a very....unusual situation where i am able to test and be sure that my profession to be poly is still true.  at this very moment, i know it is.  and that makes me very happy.

but i can't get something else out of my head.

i saw a few clients in kissimmee early this week and two of them really stuck in my head.

when you think of a professional dominatrix, do you think of just someone dressed in a sexy fetish outfit, wielding a whip and making someone grovel at her feet?  if so, i hate to burst your bubble but it's not all like that.

most of my clients are regulars who see me time after time after time after time, on a pretty regular basis.  we get to know each other well and nine times out of ten, they ask me for advice about things in their life.

one particular client said, "i love spending time with you because you are the most refreshing, open, honest person i have ever met."  i just looked at him for a moment and said, "you mean the people in your life are not open and honest?"  and he said, "no!"  i replied, "then you just don't have the right people in your life."

i wasn't saying that to be a smart ass.  i really meant it.

i was once in his shoes.  but now, i refuse to live like that.

each of us has the power in some instances to actually choose who is in our life, and who is not in our life.  if we choose to surround ourselves with people who are negative, who bring us down, who lie, who keep facades and masks and defensive barriers, then we cannot complain that we do not have honest, open people in our lives.  it's a choice. 

several years ago i went through the very painful process of examining each and every person in my life, and started winnowing away those who were negative or destructive to me.  people who had the habit of lying to me were cut out after they were given chances to come clean.  they didn't come clean.  it was very painful to sever them out from my life.  but...it was one of the best things i have ever done in my life.  it is a completely different way to live when you choose to surround yourself with positive and honest people after living a life being brought down by those who are dishonest and negative.  it is freeing, and you can grow, and learn, and become a better person. 

i've been told by people who haven't talked to me in quite a while, "wow, you sound so HAPPY!"  and that is because i AM happy!  but i have made drastic steps and have made painful choices to get myself here.

every so often the depression rears its ugly head, but i am learning to meditate through it, and express gratefulness and gratitude for all i have.  that helps a lot.  and so does surrounding myself with like-minded people.

and my client needs to do that as well.  it's not easy.  it is sad to say goodbye to some people.  but in the end, you must do what is best.

another client has a person in his life that can only be described as toxic.  this woman uses him, lies to him, and makes a fool out of him with her games.  yet he comes back and does her bidding time and time again, even though it frustrates him, angers him, and is detrimental to his health.  he has to wear a mouth guard at night now because he is grinding his teeth in his sleep over this and is now on high blood pressure medication.  once again, he is choosing to allow her to do this to him.  he will sit and tell me all the consequences of his actions, and pay me good money to do it, and i just shake my head and remind him that he has chosen to keep her in his life, and he needs to take responsibility for his choice, or remove her from his life.  every time, he nods his head and says, "yes, yes, i know..." and yet nothing changes.

i wonder where i would be right now if i didn't take responsibility for my choices, and didn't make changes.  sometimes i honestly think i would have killed myself by now.  that's not an exaggeration.  i am forever grateful to my tantra mentor for all the help she has given in helping me realize i can CHOOSE the people in my life, and i can CHOOSE to live in positive ways, or i can choose to be miserable!

and now, i am going to go comatose for a while, and get some sleep before christmas eve festivities begin!

happy holidays!

had a great thanksgiving with family and spent the rest of the weekend up in the ocala national forest.  beautiful!  best moment - going on an ATV in the middle of the forest at midnight, and seeing a gazillion stars up in the sky above us.  holding on tight while the driver took hairpin curves on slippery sugar sand.  freezing my legs off because i was wearing a miniskirt, but didn't care, even though i was sure my toes cracked off miles ago down the track.  hoping i didn't lose the four glasses of wine consumed earlier in the bar as i went over huge bumps in the track.  having a great time even though i lost five games of pool in a row. 

hope everyone had a great holiday weekend! 

it will be back to the grind for me soon.  have a weekend planned with my daughter at our old favorite vacation spot on an island in georgia, before she heads off to begin a new life in oregon.  gotta make da moolah to finance that little excursion!

did anybody get any good deals on black friday?  i was chasing bears in the woods that day!

Wishing everyone a happy Thanksgiving.

I'm going out of town for 13 days but I hope to pop in here occasionally to catch up on emails.

May your stuffing be tasty,
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy,
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious,
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner Stay off your thighs!

~ Anonymous

I am home.  I am exhausted.  I am exhilarated.  It was a great weekend.  Saw people that I knew in the BDSM community from ten years ago at the playparty in Deland.  Met a lady who I've been corresponding with on here for years for the first time that night, too.  It was wonderful!  I was scened by a fantastic male top and at least one female domme, I was in la-la land so I am not sure how many of the women were back there doing their thing.  And in the private room afterward - WOW!

We spent the night there and went out for breakfast at Cracker Barrel where I had a delicious breakfast with this orgasmic oat/cranberry/nut muffin and the standard bacon, eggs and their signature hashbrown casserole.  OMG!

Then we arrived late at Sir Steffan's party (long story) where my brains felt like they were literally fucked out.  Then dinner at Carabba's, and then a wonderful night at the Embassy Suites.  This morning, a full made-to-order breakfast came with the room and now I am feeling like a stuffed turkey. 

The company, the events, the activities - everything was great.  And now, I will go into a coma and catch up on my sleep!

This Wednesday is Sir Steffan's "Bi-Males and the Women Who Love Them" party.  I hope to go, even in the middle of cooking stuff for Thanksgiving the next day.  Would love to see some of you out there!

Even though I spent most of the day crying and couldn't do any work, I have a lovely evening.  It was a rough day because it was the first anniversary of my dad's passing.  I cried with my sister, my brother, my cousin, my ex, my daughter...everyone who called me to talk about the significance of the day and his passing. 

But I went out on a date with an extraordinary man late last night. It started out rough because I started crying, AGAIN, at the restaurant's bar, but things got better really quick.

We went to Kobe's Japanese Steakhouse and opted for the hibachi seating.  I love going to Kissimmee and people-watching all the people from different countries that are visiting MickeyWorld.  We sat with two other locals, plus a group of Brazilians and Colombians.

Started off with soup, then salad, and then egg fried rice with chicken.  I was already getting full.  But we weren't even anywhere near done with the food.

The chef kept us entertained with tricks and jokes as he made our food right there.  My date ordered the lobster, steak and shrimp combo with huge noodles.  It was scrumptious.  I have a huge plateful in my fridge for leftovers which I will be enjoying in a bit. 

They asked if we wanted dessert...wow, I couldn't even think about dessert after all that delectable food.  We had consumed a few wines in the bar before we were seated, and my glass was kept full the entire two hour dinner.  After dinner, my date asked me what I would like to do next?  Dancing?  Something else?  As he kissed me, that huge bulge I felt against my groin pretty much sealed the deal.  Across the street was a Holiday Inn Express.  Of course I said yes.  And not because of all the wine.  There was huge chemistry between us.  The sex was incredible.

It was a perfect way to end a day that was very very difficult for me. 

We are going out again tonight to a swingers/bdsm house party in Deland, and again tomorrow to my favorite dungeon/swinger's house party in North Tampa (www.lifestyleexplorers.org) and then spending the night at Embassy Suites.  Both party places have hot tubs, my back is excited at the thought of warm jets currenting around therapeutic hot water two nights in a row.   

I don't think anything will become serious out of all of this with him.  He is going through his own serious issues right now, and so am I.  We are not looking for a relationship.  But it's nice to meet in the middle of it all and have a few blissful hours of forgetfulness thanks to exquisite sensations, with someone who you truly enjoy being with.  It's effortless enjoyment. 

I have upcoming shoots in Tampa December 10-12 if anyone is interested in shooting with me.

And I am spending a bit more time on Niteflirt, saving up money to take my daughter to a very special place for a weekend, where we used to spend one month per year at a beachhouse on the ocean in Southern Coastal Georgia back in the good ole days before I left my ex, before she moves across the country after the holidays.  If you would like to help contribute to the cause, you can call me at 1-800-TO-FLIRT ext 0674-617 or call me through the call buttons at www.niteflirt.com/sensualsammie. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful, sensual, sexy, stress-free, wickedly delightful weekend!

One year ago today my father passed away.  I still miss you and love you, daddy.

Met some interesting people all last week who answered a personal ad on another site.  Geez, I was seeing one to two people per day in a public setting, usually over dinner.  At that rate, I could have easily gained 50 lb in no time.

Out of all of them, only one really piqued my interest.  It's official - I'm definitely getting picky in my old age.  I didn't go home with any of them.  Even Mr. Intriguing.  We are going out on our second date this week.  He was a bit shocked when I told him what I do for a living, but I'm assuming he recovered since he wants to go out again. I'm going out for the second time with a few more but mostly as friends more than anything. 

Did a fun modeling gig for John and Starla at www.bdsm-gear.com.  I think the photos are up in the "New Items" section.  One neat thing was a box where I lean over while I'm kneeling down on my knees and my head is enclosed inside the box.  The rest of your body is left wide open for play.  Amazing!  It was quite an incredible feeling!

They let me have a new piece called "The Exposer."  I LOVE IT!  Go check it out and you'll see what I mean.  Most of the photos were taken with a petite girl, but they included at least one photo of me on it to show that even us plus sized girls can be rigged up in confined ways!

Being single does suck sometimes.  My pro-domme clients will get more use out of that than I will.  I'm jealous!  Starla said she is getting a lot of response from the photos on .  I hope it's a huge seller for them!

Life is good, business is doing fantastic.  A video released a few weeks ago is still on Southern-Charm's daily, weekly and monthly top 20 video sales list! I'm very proud.  It's always affirming to me, to know that I can make a living in porn even though I'm old, saggy, baggy, cellutlite-ridden and fat!!!!

My best selling site is www.southern-charms2.com/sammie if you're interested in perving my porn.

Lots more going on, but too rushed to type it all.  Wishing you a delightful day, a wonderful week, and a beautiful bounty of blessings!

Do you twitter?????  Follow me - sammieSC2!

Went on another first date last night.  Declined sex again.  Am I getting more mature?  Picky?  Or just frigid?

On another note, happy Veteran's Day to all the Vets.  Our country may not be the best, but I am free to make my living in a way that would get me executed in my father's swimming pool in other countries.  Thank you to every single one of you who make our freedoms possible.

Today's daily affirmation:  I embrace positivity and reject all forms of negativity in my life.  Thank you, universe, for blessing me with your abundance!

right before i went into hiding, i shared in my journal that i started working with a new photographer. 

i updated most of my photos on here to show some of our recent work. 

we shoot every week all throughout central florida.  if you'd ever care to join me in a photo or video shoot, i'd love to have you.  we are enjoying meeting wonderful people all over florida who come to shoot with me.  guys have traveled as far as atlanta, jacksonville, the panhandle, and miami to shoot with me!

my sales have gone through the roof and i am loving every moment of it.

the photos of me in the jacuzzi and me sitting with the fishnet bodystocking - those may appear in the 2011 february issue of big butt magazine.  i was chosen to be on the cover of it along with a full pictorial inside.  it should be showing up at your local adult bookstore anytime around the end of december 2010.

yes, i will sign your copy :-)

the last photo of me with the dirty feet?  that is for a very special friend on here who has been following my southern-charms website almost since the beginning, and indirectly introduced me to two of my very best friends in the whole wide world.  you know who you are and i will always be grateful to you ;-)

i went out on a date tonight and had a very nice time.  there was no sex.  that is so rare for me.  i don't know whether to be disappointed or proud.

the ink is drying...patience, patience....

slowly coming out of hiding.  i had good reason for my disappearance.  will explain late next week.