i am back and ready to play all new

I love my new canopy bed with all the white lace hanging down.  It just reminds me of something duing the period of time of King Arthur.  The bed looks so beautiful and inviting.
I feel like a princess in it.  So petty

I'm picky,  I don't want just anyone.  I deserve someone of the same caliber as I hold myself to.  By this I dont mean looks or your shapes.  I mean your integrity,  your morals  (and not the kinky ones) how you treat yourself.

Did you ever just meet someone that just gossips and shit like that,  Thats not me..

Would you do something that was not right?  If nobody saw you?     I would not,  I couldnt.

So my dom my owner my man who I wish to sit next to has to hold him self to a high caliber for himself so I can grown as a better submissive,  I already know I have been a great slave for many years.

Where are the good ones?  

P.S.  I am moving in less then 30 days, 

You know when you get a real email from a REAL DOMINANT us real subs can just tell right off the bat.  I got one today....I am excited...I already can not wait for his next email to come.  Tick Tock.......
Love
autumn
tinker and kitten

So I have not been on this site as much anymore do to the fact that it seems as so many are just fakes or players.

I guess if I did not have experience and new what REAL was I would fall for some of the crap that gets written.

Does anyone know of anyone good in my area of Northern California

Autumn

It is amazing this life....Isnt it?
To be truly loved by our friends is the greatest gift we can receive and can not in  anyway be measured.

I am truly loved by so many in my life which I am grateful for.  They accept me as i am,  my good points and my not so good ones. 

If you were stuck on a road...I wonder just wonder how many people would come out for you in the middle of the night.  

I am a lucky lucky girl.

Love
autumn
KItten and Tinker

P.S.  Tinker's new name is FAT BOY 

I was with my previous owner for close to six years.  During that time I allowed myself to receive a tattoo that said I was his property.  It said property and his initials in a symbol that he designed.  At that time I received it I felt very special as I was the only one that wore his mark. In my head, I thought that made me important.  I use to think I was special when he called me his "Good Looking One"  only to find out that he called everyone that.  I remember that pain I felt the first time that I realized nothing  really nothing was special.  But I was a slave,  I could deal with pain.  It got easier over time.  I remember when I first got to him, his previous slave had written me numerous emails telling me all kinds of bad things about him.  I did not listen.  I remember arriving to his home and another slave was there, she was young,  I remember how she left in a split second, two weeks into my stay.  So, when I received a phone call from Lord the other day asking me if I have written any of the women he had been speaking to, to speak bad about him,  I would never stoop as low as to write women to speak bad about him. Hell,  I could of written so many different things on this journal but instead I will walk with MY HEAD UP HIGH knowing I said nothing to anyone.   I will not lower myself in any way shape or form.  Hell I have never even used his name on this journal.  Please I have better things to do then talk bad about a previous owner to his potential properties or slaves.  Let him have a clean slate with new people, I truly hope that he finds all that seeks in the many that he seeks.  ONE can not find happiness in others until ONE finds happiness with themselves.   I will always be grateful for him for who I became when I was with him.                         So today,  today,  the tatoo of his property is gone,  that part of my life belonging to him has no mark on my body any more.  Instead I have a beautiful new OMG it is aweseme tattoo of a face of a black Cat coming out of a cloud of time  with the most piercing blue eyes, to protect and watch over my back as I go thru life with a tongue that is a saber with a gold blood on it,  OMG it is amazing,  It has taken weeks to finish as I do not have alot of money but Iwanted someone  who was really good at what he did to do my back piece because it had to mean something.  On the bottom of the tattoo,  it says in italian "i receive my strenght from you"  I am excited that my tatoo is almost done, the gentlemen that did it is great,  I have one maybe two more sessions left to go.  I go to sub space and never move.   the tattoo represents strenghts and protection and power,  all of which I have received from you.  So forward I go in my life with no scar's left to remind me.  Life has ups and downs,  if it is good hold on and enjoy and if it is bad,  hold on as eventually it will turn around and be good.
Love to you all
Kiss and HUGS
Autumn
Kitten and Tinker

It's nice to know that there are Dom's and Master's out there that like to spoil their submissives.  I got my hair done today.  It has been so long since I have had it done.  There is a Master on this site that took me once to get my hair cut and colored.  We became really good friends.  Today I had my hair done in a totally new sexy style.  Different color different cut all together different. 

I know a lot of Master's on this site on a personal basis in real life.  They are all wonderful men that are great Master's and most of they have become great friends.

I have been going to Munches again in different area's to meet different people to see what is out there.  Let me know of a munch in your area and I would be glad to come for a visit.

Autumn
Tinker and Kitten

The "GOOD THINGS" in life are hard to find. If you are willing to accept anything or everything just to have something in your life, well,  that  is your way of doing life, it is not mine.

I am not going to meet with everyone,  even if the coffee is free.   I am going to meet with those that make me curious of who they are, they live me wanting more after conversations.

Love as always
Autumn
Kitten and Tinker

wow,  I have not written in what seems to be so long.  So much has changed in a month. I have it seems to have weathered another storm in my life and have once again taken what I have learned and have become yet a stronger person.

As I was driving to work the other day. Yes, I have a new job, it is actually what I went to school for and I absolutely love it.  As I was driving,  I was able to see the path that I took to get where I was,  some people did not understand it,  but I continued to take it, and now that I am there,  I know for a fact that it was  path that had to be taken for me to be sitting where I now sit.

To my friends that were disappointed this month by others,  I am sorry that you have been hurt.  I tried to protect my one friend from being hurt as I saw it coming, I didnt want to see him get hurt.  What dosent kill us only makes us stronger and better people.

It is a beautiful day today and I have lots of stuff I need to do today,  so I am going to keep this short and say "have a happy day"

Love
autumn

To my friend Allen,  congratulations on finding someone special who enjoys the same kinks as you do.  I wish you the most erotic of time's.  I hope she knows how lucky she is.

love
your friend
autumn

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? </ SPA N>  cause I am Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?


7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Good Morning EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well big big day for me.  I got to share about it last night, as I was asked to speak at a meeting last night.  So I got all my fears out and all my anxiousness out of my systems.   I slept all thru the night , which is great as I am normally up and down.  I had no snacks during the night to help me sleep.  So I FEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLL GREAT!!!!

It is a great day to start a job.

Autumn

Life continues to move forward....

Autumn

It is just about 6 pm and I am sitting here with a cup of my special coffee wanting to write a journal entry.  I normally do not write them at night because I guess I feel more peace to write in the morning.

Isn't it odd how we sometimes have to live life on life's terms.  Things could be just going along no problems,  no bumps in the road that the big truck can not handle then all of sudden you take a turn maybe you could say you were going to stop and spend money you were not suppose to and then everything comes to a crash halt,  Remember,  it was not on your ride home.  LOL  I know I am not making no sense.

I was suppose to go to the Southwest Leather Convention in Arizona this week.  I was suppose to go and have some fun with a dominant and I was suppose to meet new people and just basically enjoy myself.  I was excited about going.  The plans had been made for some time now.

So we all know that I have been searching for a job for months now.  Then last week I received two interview's with a company and have been told that I will be coming in for a third this week.  SO HALT on the fun.....I was not given a day or a time for the interview so I am now unable to go on the trip to Arizona.  Dosen't life just interrupt life sometimes. 

Now the old Autumn, wouldn't of cared,  she would of went on the trip and told the job that she would be back next week and could come in then after the trip for the third interview.  It would not of mattered what they had said,  I would of done what I wanted to do.

The new Autumn,  well,  she would like to do that, but not in her right mind can she do that.  Nope.  Hell,  I have waited months to find a job.  So how in my right mind could I risk the job by saying that.  It is not like I have the job yet,  it is just a third interview, the job still could be anyones.  I WANT IT and NEED IT to be mine.

Patience is the word that best describes my life at the moment and for the last two years.  Everything has to do with patience.  If I am unable to go to this event then maybe I will be able to go to the next event and then I actually might have some money to spend at it.    So if I am patient now my rewards could be large. If I am not I might not receive anything.  I am not willing to play russian roulette at this time.  I wouldn't deserve the job if I did that.


Even on different note,  I have another interview next week with another company.  A differen't dominant from this site that i have known asked for my resume and I sent it to him and he gave it to his office manager and she called and we spoke and I have a interview next week with her.  Thank you ....

It pays to always be nice because you never know when someone might look back at you and say,  she was always nice or she was pleasant.

There are people in my life that help me know that I truly do not have attitude problem.  Don't get me wrong I can catch a attitude sometimes but normally it is not for no reason. 

I am working hard to change and do things the right way today....Lets keep our fingers crossed that one of these jobs come thru for me,  I am ready now to handle a full time job and I want a full time job.

By the way,  thank you everyone for all your notes of encouragement.... they mean a lot to me.

Love
autumn
Peace Out

It is just about 6 pm and I am sitting here with a cup of my special coffee wanting to write a journal entry.  I normally do not write them at night because I guess I feel more peace to write in the morning.

Isn't it odd how we sometimes have to live life on life's terms.  Things could be just going along no problems,  no bumps in the road that the big truck can not handle then all of sudden you take a turn maybe you could say you were going to stop and spend money you were not suppose to and then everything comes to a crash halt,  Remember,  it was not on your ride home.  LOL  I know I am not making no sense.

I was suppose to go to the Southwest Leather Convention in Arizona this week.  I was suppose to go and have some fun with a dominant and I was suppose to meet new people and just basically enjoy myself.  I was excited about going.  The plans had been made for some time now.

So we all know that I have been searching for a job for months now.  Then last week I received two interview's with a company and have been told that I will be coming in for a third this week.  SO HALT on the fun.....I was not given a day or a time for the interview so I am now unable to go on the trip to Arizona.  Dosen't life just interrupt life sometimes. 

Now the old Autumn, wouldn't of cared,  she would of went on the trip and told the job that she would be back next week and could come in then after the trip for the third interview.  It would not of mattered what they had said,  I would of done what I wanted to do.

The new Autumn,  well,  she would like to do that, but not in her right mind can she do that.  Nope.  Hell,  I have waited months to find a job.  So how in my right mind could I risk the job by saying that.  It is not like I have the job yet,  it is just a third interview, the job still could be anyones.  I WANT IT and NEED IT to be mine.

Patience is the word that best describes my life at the moment and for the last two years.  Everything has to do with patience.  If I am unable to go to this event then maybe I will be able to go to the next event and then I actually might have some money to spend at it.    So if I am patient now my rewards could be large. If I am not I might not receive anything.  I am not willing to play russian roulette at this time.  I wouldn't deserve the job if I did that.


Even on different note,  I have another interview next week with another company.  A differen't dominant from this site that i have known asked for my resume and I sent it to him and he gave it to his office manager and she called and we spoke and I have a interview next week with her.  Thank you ....

It pays to always be nice because you never know when someone might look back at you and say,  she was always nice or she was pleasant.

There are people in my life that help me know that I truly do not have attitude problem.  Don't get me wrong I can catch a attitude sometimes but normally it is not for no reason. 

I am working hard to change and do things the right way today....Lets keep our fingers crossed that one of these jobs come thru for me,  I am ready now to handle a full time job and I want a full time job.

By the way,  thank you everyone for all your notes of encouragement.... they mean a lot to me.

Love
autumn
Peace Out

So two entries in my journal in one day.  I have not done that in so so so long. 
So I started my first entry this morning in regards to the two job interviews I went on last week for a company that I live really close to.  That I was tense from waiting and that I truly want this job.  Well,  I heard from them,  they are giving me a third interview this week.  Of course,  they did not tell me a day or a time as of yet which puts me in a situation of feeling bad.  One of the things that Lord has taught me is to follow thru on things when you say you are going to do them.  So I may have to disappoint my new friend, Allen,  he has been so wonderful to me and so understanding of everything,  we in a short time have started to build a good friendship.  We were both very excited about going to the convention together,  he went out and made sure we would want for nothing.  He even got me a new leather purse so that I had something new to carry my stuff in.  He is truly a one of a kind gentlemen.  He got  stuff to make sandwiches,  the Harry Potter story tapes for the ride down,  he got Diet coke for us,  lol   We were both excited about going to the convention and to the Bondage Ball and now at the very last minute I may have to back out.  (If it happens,  I hope he will still keep my in mind for Lady Thorns)  We do not know yet for sure and I am keeping my fingers crossed that things will all go well and he understands if I have to back out because the job is very important.  I just want to say "Thankyou for all your patience and support Allen,  and if It happens I will keep my promise to you."  Also,  at least Lady Thorns is here in town...
Love
autumn

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!  MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
To one and all.
Christmas is so different here on the west coast compared to the north east coast.  Being from the east coast and growing up in New York I guess I think of East Coast Christmas as the way to go.  lol

You get to go to the City and see the Rockettes and the christmas windows in the stores are something everyone should see,  old and young love to push their noses up to the windows and see all the pretty dolls. People of all ages love to take the train in to the city to get that christmas spirit that only New York holds. There is no place like New York City during the holidays.

You think of walking past and gazing up at the Tree in Manhattan,  of walking with all the people bundled up to stay warm.  You pass the chestnuts vendors and you can just smell every little thing, including those big all pretzels and knishes that they sell on the street cornors.  Who cares about eating a a fancy restaurant when you have all the good stuff right there on the street. You think of the worlds largest macy's,  if I am not mistaken I think it is like 13 stories,  give or take. You think about FAO and Saks 5th avenue and all the wonderful things you see in Rockfeller center.

Christmas is Christmas in New York and nothing compares to the holiday parade and all the stuff that leads up to this special day.

I got a surprise present from Lord last night that once again made me cry. It was special for him to think of me and to make a special trip for me.   Thank you Lord.  When your owner does something to make you feel special then you must be special to him.

I spent Christmas Eve in the womens jail sharing about my experience, strength and hope.  I give those women hope that they too can change their lives for the better.  This is the second time I have had this priviledge to do so. Walking into a jail or a prison is never easy, even when you walk in on your own free will. Each time I do I become more humble and more grateful. It is a blessing to share my story and have these women come up to me after the meeting telling me how much they related to my story and how I give them hope that they too can change.  It is great to be able to give back to a program that has given you so much. So who can ask for anything more then to connect with another women and give them hope.  What a great christmas gift I was given.

So all in all Christmas has been a wonderful experience this year with the hope for new things and for old things to grow into  better things  for this comming year.

Merry Christmas Everyone
Love
autumn

Happy Halloween!!!!!!!


I hope everyone has a great halloween today.

I went to a great Halloween Dance on Saturday night last week.  So many cool customs and so many people.  Pretty much I knew everyone there.  It is always great to be someplace where you feel so much love and so many people need and respect you and want you in their lives.

Well just enjoy the day today. 
Love
Autumn

Bitching, moaning and of course complaining is all I seem to be doing lately.  It sucks....I have nobody out here that I know...I have no job....I can not find a place to put anything in here except for the kitchen....I'm so lonely...my phone bill is going to be so high...I'm suppose to be unpacking each day and I can not find the push I need to get up and do anything. So the garage is a mess....Oh I should just shut up

autumn

Have patience, have faith, good things come to those who wait.  Well how much patience does one have to have, how much faith does one must carry,  and how long must I wait.....
I have never been so broke before in my life....it sucks...looking for a job is starting to really suck.  I had more money when I was a dancer,  now that I have turned my life completely around for the better,  I can not find a job...I went to school,  got good grades,  go into the interview prepared..dressed nicely..no heavy makeup and so forth...and still no job....

Love
autumn

................Moving............

I have been hard at work trying to find a job.  I want so desperatly to find a good job and one that I can be happy in.   I am not in a place of experience to be interviewing the job which when you have experience and your good at what you do it is the interviewee that has the choice.  I am not in that position yet and wont be for a while.  I am extremely humble at this point while looking for a job.

So while I am looking for a job I have been doing extra meetings during the day to deal with the frustration and finishing up my step work with my sponsor, I am on step 8,  which is about making amends to those I have harrmed.  Each step I work I get stronger in whom I am and what I want out of my life and what I don't want out of my life.  It truly is a growing experience.   If I step out of my body and look down at myself I truly am amazed at how far I have come so far.  It is no longer important for me to let others know the truth as long as I see it and I realize it and most of all I Understand it.

Tinkerbell has been waking me up each morning with so much love,  he just sits next to me with his head next to mine just purring away,  such a great feeling.

Love
autumn

Well my vacation is over and I have to say it went much better then I thought it would.  I went to one friend that I use to dance with her name is Hollywood when we danced and it was nice to see her.  The rest of the week was spent entirely with my daughter and doing everyday things with her.  Girl things that mom's and daughters do together.  We had a nice time and I look forward to seeing her again for my birthday. I was going to meet others when I was there new and old but felt that the time with my daughter even if it was just sitting at the pool reading books, which we did a lot of, was far more important that meeting anyone else.

So now my nose is to the grindstone looking for a job sending out resumes and all.  I have my first interview tomorrow already.  I was really shocked that I got a call so fast.

I am a work in progress,  somedays are good for me some days no so good. Somedays I have all the confidence in the world and other days I don't. I am concious of everything I say and do now though and who it effects.

Love
as always
autumn

I leave on vacation this afternoon to catch up with my mom and daughter to spend my daughters 17 birthday with her.   She just got a brand new car for her birthday as a gift so the only real good thing I can give to her will be my time.

My mom rented me a car for while we are there so that she and I can go and do lots of different things together.  We will be back in my home town of Vegas.  A great place to visit as we all know that and for myself living there  was a different story.

I am a little nervous about going back there do not get me wrong,  but I will have my daughter with me so that I know will make me strong.  I know where to go and where to stay away from,  so that I do not run into any old familiar faces.

I will miss my babies while I am gone.  They are sitting with me as I write this morning. I guess I don't feel anyone can give them the love that I give them.  I am sure that they will have plenty of love from lord and whom ever is visiting at this time.

When i come back from this trip it will be all about finding a stepping stone job so that I can complete my next goal. One by one these goals just keep getting marked off and I have very few left on my original list that I made almost two years ago.  I wonder what I will put on my next list.

Love
as
always
autumn

The Most Functional English Word

Well, it's shit...that's right, shit!

Consider:
You can get shit faced, be shit out of luck,  Some days are colder than shit. some days are hotter than shit, and somedays are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have to much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of dumb shit.

You can carry shit,  have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English  language

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.


You could pass this along,  if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, shit, its time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you hapened to catch a load of shit from some shit head,  well

Shit Hapens!!!!!

Love
Autumn

I want to share with everyone what happened today as I walked down the steps of the office I was doing my externship at.

As I said good bye and thank you to everyone that had trained me in the office, I realized that I completed it.   As I stepped out the doors to get to my truck,  out of no where did the tears come down my cheeks.   I don't know why they came, if it was the fact that maybe I thought I didn't have it in me to finsih what I had started or the fact that I did finish and finish,  proudly I was.  I have always been use to instant results this took a bit of time,  something like I can not remeber doing in a long time.


So for now,  there will be no more walks down Telegraph, feeling out of place.  I don't know how anyone can feel out of place on Telegraph, but I sure as hell did.  Maybe it was my Long Island childhood, or the fact that I lived most of my adult life in Vegas as a dancer,  but boy oh boy, I can feel really not like I fit in down on that street. LOL

It is a beautiful street with great little stores to look in the windows,  for some reason  I never went in them,  though I walked it everyday at lunch.  Up the one side and down the other.   My insecurites would come up and I would for some reason walk with my head down as I walked, like I am not good enough, watching all the people that just look,  I don't know. You can not tell the rich students there from the homeless people.  LOL   I serious.   LOL   Each shop has a different sent coming out of it,  not like the back streets with all the beautiful flowers and the smells of them.  Berkely is a town like no other.  This much I can vouch for.

Love
Autumn

Well I did it!!!!!!!

As of today, being my last day at my extern site,   I have finsihed school and my supervisor put my paperwork in the mail yesterday.

So,  now all I have to do is find a job.  One that pays,  would be nice.  lol

I did the 180 hours straight thru,  I was not late,  I never left early and I didn't take a single day off.  I did what was ever asked of me with a smile.  I made sure I arrived on time each morning and was never late from returning from lunch.

It was five weeks of working my butt off for not a penny.

If anyoen has noticed,  I sure have,  that the key to my life for the last few years was and is "learning patience"  My whole life I have gotten everything I wanted with fast easy ways,  never thinking of the aftermath.   I totally have been doing things the right way now and these things don't happen overnight but only with hard work.  It is such a different feeling, 

So I look forward to taking a few days off and relaxing some and then hitting the job market with my new skills. I remember back a bout a year ago I wrote a journal entry on here about the job skills I had, and you had to laugh, lol,my formor job experience is not what one would say would look nice on a resume, lol

So today and even if it is only for a moment I will be proud of myself and all that i have done.

Love
autumn

I apologize if anyone has thought that my journal entries on here are about them.  I write my journal entries about myself.  I write about things that I am grateful about and things I feel inside,  just recently I wrote of my neediness to be loved and wanted and my insecurities. My journal entries are written for myself and not about anyone else,  They are things that I read or come across in regards to things I am working on myself about.  The one just recently about finding the joy within our selves and not our materials that we own,  came from my "Just for today book"  it has a different thing to work on for each day of the year. They have nothing to do with you or anyone,  and if you took it to be about you,  well then I am sorry,  maybe you saw yourself in the words that i took from a book written about addicts of all kinds.  So please, do not think anything I write is about you or anyone else for that matter.  I allowed you into  my head for far to long and I no longer want you there.  One of the reasons I felt that the writtings we did were not good for me  My life is my life, my words reflect what goes on in my life.  I do not like you enough or dislike you enough to write about you anymore,

So in the future just leave it at that. 
and know that we agree to disagree on certain things and I wish you nothing but the best and all the happiness that you can find with or without your husband by your side.  Not everyone is meant to be friends in this life even when they try,  we tried several times and failed for one reason or another it is just not in our cards.


autumn
]

So I am about to complete another one of my goals this week.  Amazing what we can do when we really put our mind towards things.  In the last wo years I have set many goals and worked towards them and have completed them.  I have one more goal left on my list for this year and that is to find a job after I get my diploma.  I do not have a time limit on it though I do hope it does not take forever.  I will have the patience to walk thru all I need to walk thru to get to where I want to be.  I have trust and faith.

So with that said,  with that goal, when it is completed I am going to work at getting my record exponged.  Though I have never been in serious trouble,  as we all know that this year I was on probation from a incident years ago,  and I want it off my record.  So with that said out loud,  there is not a time limit and I don't really expect it to happen today or tomorrow,  but when I get my job I will save a little each time to put towads taking care of it.

So slowly I see that I am finding joy within myself.   I know that marterial things will not help me find the job that I seek within myself.  So many people today think that when something goes wrong if they run out to buy something, a new car, a new outfit or new shoes that it will make them feel good about themselves.  So what happens when they take the shoes off, are they are still feeling the emotional pain that they were too week to work on?  Emotial pain or turmoil in ones life can not be eased with material things.

Emotionak fullfillment can not be boutght, not even on an easy installment plan..  Do not get me wrong there is nothing wrong witgh material things.  Infact I hope to get some myself really soon.  They can make life a more convenient or more luxurious, they can make us look good on the outside or make people think we are all together but  they can not fix us, not for the long run anyway.  The only way true joy can be found, is within ourselves.

I colord my hair yesterday and when I went out last night,  everyone was impressed by the new color.  I have never been this color before,  it is way out of my realm of normal,  but sometimes we must step away from what is comfortable to find things that work for us.  That is what I did and the reaction of my friends was amazing.

Love
as
always
autumn

Many people try to wiggle out of a difficult spot by being dishonest, only to have to humble themselves later and tell the truth.  Some of us twist our stories as a maatte ror course, even when we could just as easily tell the plain truth.  Every time we try to avoid being honest, it back fires on us.  Honesty may be uncomfortable for some but not all of us.  The trouble you have to endure with being dishonest is usuually far wrose than discomfort of telling the truth.

Honesty is one of the fundamental principles of a bdsm or any relationship right from the start.We continue to apply honesty so that we can build the trust and respect that a lifestyle relationship must have to endure time, for that matter any kind of relationship.

Learning to be honest or live honestly isn't always easy,  especially if you are one that covers up your deception

Honesty sounds and feels good,  it is easier living the truth than living a lie.

I embrace life and all its pressures and demands,  and I practice honesty  even when you have had a sordid past as I do,  I still practice honesty.

I speak of this today because of a email I received the other day from a dominant who thought it was something new to me that I had a drug problem in the past and that I was a dancer and a escort.      I have never hid that from anyone nor do I hide my clean time either 21 months tomorrow.  I do not hide my past nor am I embarressed about it.  It does not hurt me when woman who's past I crossed at one time or another speak bad of me, I guess they felt something that they had to do, I have to chuckle at it,  really.  I know I only speak ill or bad of those I am judging or I am jealous of in one way or another.    I will take it as they were simply not as strong as I was to do what I did in the past and leave it at that.  I did what I had to do to survive and look at the woman I am today.  I am a SURVIVOR

I am HONEST and I am REAL you can take it or leave it

Love
autumn

Well I am on the downward spiral part of my externship.  8 more days to go and I will then receive my diploma, that is once the paper work has been completed.  At that time I will of worked 5 weeks with no pay over, I need to complete 180 in that time minus the lunch hour and I did 45 hours a week to do so.  Which put me a little over to just be on the safe side.
I have learned a lot during my time at the hospital and I will feel secure when I add all of what I have learned to my resume to go on my search for a job when I am done.
I know what I seek in the office I would like to work in so I will be careful on my job search.  Don't get me wrong I will take a job if it only offers me part of what I seek because I am looking to gain experience on different systems.  I do think for myself as being a people pleaser which can be a asset and a defect in life that I would like to work in a office where everyone is a team player and nobody has control issues.

I recently made a list of my character assests and also my defects and found that some of my greatest assests are also my greatest defects.  I can be judgemental on others because I judge myself so hard.  So I decided that when I want to judge someone now,  that I will just ask them what I am judging them about,  in the politess way I can.  Then maybe if they answer, I think maybe if I ask when I want to judge someone I might stop judging them.  who knows for sure,  I just know as of lately, since I am judging myself so hard I am judging others even harder.   Not everyone can live up the high standards as I have set for myself and I should not expect others to have the same morals as myself.  That just puts expectations on people that they don't know they have on them, and of course then they will fail. Unexpected expations of others.
To be real truthful and honest is hard for some people to handle.
Love
as
always
autumn


P.S. P.S. P.S

To who ever it was that thinks it is a power trip to speak about another in a bad way, shit my journal entries have spoke of my previous drug addiction and the fact that I was a escort,  so if you think you are hurting me,  your wrong.  I do feel sorry for you though since you must hate yourself so much you must dish me.  I wonder if you are as ugly as your words,  wwit I don't have to wonder I already know you are.

Secrets and Intimacy

Having relationships without barriers, ones in which we can be entirely open with our feelings, is some thing many of us desire. At the same time, the possibility of such intimacy causes us more fear than almost any other situation in life.

If we examine what frightens  us,we'll ussually find that we are attempting to hide an aspect of our personalities that we are ashamed of,an aspect we sometimes haven't even admitted to ourselves. We don't want others to know of our insecurities, our pain, or our neediness, so we simply refuse to expose them. We may imagine that if no one knows about our imperfections, those imperfections will cease to exist.

This is the point where our relationships stop.  Anyone who enters our lives will not get past the point at which our secrets begin. To maintain intimacy in a relationship, it is essential that we acknowledge our defects and accept them. When we do, the distress of denial, erected to keep these things hidden, will come crashing down, enabling us to build up our rlationships with others.

Just an inside to something I feel

love
autumn

Happy Friday everyone.

I have two weeks left on my externship and I can not wait to have it done and get that diploma and a real job that pays.

This working all these hours and not getting paid just really sucks. 180 hours of work with not a penny to be made. 

But once again that word patience works it way into my life and I can only hope that after all the hard work that the rewards will be somewhat in my favor I do hope.

I will not quit and I will not falter I will just continue on my path towards all the goals I have had set.

love
always
autumn

I had a amazing weekend on the Angel Walk with the other woman. There were 500 of us up there enjoying each others company and bonding with each other. I met new woman and bonded strong with some woman that I know but do to locations we don't get to see a lot of each other. I bonded really strong with one little girl there and we are building a new friendship as she wishes me to be her sponsor.

The youngest woman there was 18 the oldest 57, some people only had a few days clean and some had over 30 years.

We went out on canoe's and skinny dipping in the lake at night, we went swimming during the day and hiking around big tree's.  The woman who were choosen to share their stories told of surving and be surviors, truly amazing stories to listen to.  choices is what it was all about.

It was a truly amazing weekend which I can not wait to do again next year.  Especially if I come home to a clean house again,  which was cool.

Anyway,  I have to get running of to my externship,  I am into my third week now so I am close to the downward side of it.  I am so proud of myself

Love as always
autumn

Hey Everyone.  Hope everyone is doing really good.
For all those that have asked, Tinkerbell is getting better he just still does not liket that back room much anymore but he pretty much is back to being himself.

Well I have finished the classroom part of school and am going to meet the Doctor that I should be if all goes well be doing my externship for starting next week.

 

In life we must take a good look at our motivies for doing things if we jump into something or we can not figure out something. Our we doing something for our own personal gain or for each to benefit from something.

If you have a motive that for some reason is not good is fair to continue.  Do they have a motive that may hurt you.

Think why you say something or do something before you do and then you have your motive.

Autumn

Okay,  so let me see if anyone who has cats as had a cat experience what my TinkerBell is going thru.

So yesterday,  tinkerbell got a plastic bag stuck round his body, not over his head but stuck around his belly.   So I laughed for a few minutes and then watched him run back and forth from the back room to the front room as fast as his chubby little body could go two times.   Then he hid in a cupboard that has no doors on it by the front window.

This is where he sat all day,  I got the bag off of him,   but he would not let Kitten or myself by him.   He was growling and very scared of something in the back room.

He had me so scared that I went looking back there.  It has been almost 24 hours now and he still is tweaked on the backroom.  I closed the door because he can not get his little eyes off of it.   LIke he is tweaking or something.

It is very odd,  all the things he loves like the paddles and the crops he is ignorning,  the balls,  hell he wont even eat because he can not get his eyes off that back room.

I wish I knew what happened.   All I saw was a white plastic bag stuck on him for not more then a fewminutes.   And it was not hurting him.

Autumn

The last few mornings there have been no birds singing.  It is weird.  Normally,  each morning you can here the little birds singing and yet the last few I have not.

Tinkerbell and Kitten Kitten miss them as well,  for I throw bread outside the window each morning to bring the birds close enough for them to see.   They are inside cats so this amusement for them is fun for me to watch and of course fun for them as well. LOL

Tinkerbell who is normally such a quiet guy,  will just chirp away,  I get such a giggle out of him.  He shakes his big fat butt,  as fast as he can. 

Kitten well she sings all day for me when I speak to her.  She is much more quiet and reserved for a lady cat yet she loves to gossip.

As for me,  well this is my last day of class and exams.   Another goal completed,   I am waiting to here where my externship will be and then just another 160 hours and then on to the real world.  Which I am ever so politely reminded that the real world does not revolve around Autumn and what she wants.   It is not about me.

So wish me luck,  my last exam,  I did it and am extremely proud of myself.   The only celebration I need for this is in my own headit is the only one I will receive.

Love
always
Autumn

Life is always changing it seems.   We work towards goals and as we achieve them we put new one's into place.  It is a never ending process.   I have learned not to make the goals unreasonable so that I am able to achieve them.  I make them for myself so that I am the only one working towards them.
I am totally amazed at the inner strength I have found to achieve all I have achieved with out losing patience with myself. Patience is the key to all good things.   Not giving up when things do not move as fast as we would like them.

My life has come full circle in the last two years and I am sure it will make another circle or two in the next year as well.

I have lived on both sides of the fence and my life would make a great Jackie Collings novel to say the least, lol. 

I have had so much fun...being a dancer for so many years, meeting new people all the time...now that is gone I have got to learn to adjust to it.  Some days it is not easy to do..giving up all that excitement..It is time to put that life in a chapter and move to the next one.   School finishes in four days and then on to the externship..A new circle begins.


Love
Autumn
Always

So I live in a home with one of the most well equipped dungeons one can ever ask for.  I mean it, LOL  So why is it that the only ones that have any fun in it our my cats.  Why is it that I have not had sex or play in two years,  WHY WHY WHY....

I know more about the lifestyle then I did three years ago. Hindsight would sell for a million dollars on the open market.  I would of sold my soul for it.

I mean that truly I do....

Love
As
Always
Autumn

I JUST FOUND OUT THAT A SUBMISSIVE FROM THIS SITE IS USING MY PICTURE ON A ALTERNATE LIFESTYLE SITE.

I DON'T THINK THAT IS A GOOD THING, I DON'T EVEN TAKE IT AS A COMPLIMENT.

IT MAKES THINK SHE IS NOT REALLY A SHE IF SHE HAS TO USE A PICTURE OF SOMEONE ELSE.

I WANT TO THANK THE MAN WHO DID WRITE TO ME TO LET ME KNOW THIS.

LOVE
AUTUMN

I think I have figured out why I am so afraid to meet new Masters/Dominants.

I tried so very hard to be good and obediant for Lord each and everyday.  It never seemed like I was able   to please him or be the one he wanted, not in the way that a sub wants to be wanted anyway.  Once he told me he couldnt hurt me anymore or play hard because he cared about me,  I felt it was the end of pleasure for me.  He told me that it was easier for him to play with others they way he enjoyed to play because he did not live with them.   You would thought he would of played with his 24/7 more because of the deeper bond between two.  Good or bad..  Because of that I behaved horrible to others and it was not their fault.  Evantually you stop caring and move on,  either way it is never the same.  You can not go backwards only forwards and if you don't fix what you leave behind yo can not move forward.

Maybe this is why I have not played or had sex in the last two years.

I felt I looked I good, I did try to behave, I think I did, I do know of several occassions that I didn't, all I felt with good reason. None the same,  a sub/slave should always behave even if she dosent agree with the Master.  However, a female with emotions is nothing short of a Thunderstorm on a beautiful summer day.  Don't you agree.?


If I ask him to go out and meet with someone,  he never sayed "NO" he always "Go"  It makes you feel unwanted.  I have felt that way a long time.  Just as I felt bad when he didn't  answer the phone for others when they call and I happen to be there.

So now I just have to make myself feel worthy of meeting someone, someone that can help me build my self esteem back up, someone that truly wants me, flaws and all.

I am finally off probation, I have 19 months clean and am about to graduate school.  I have worked really hard over the last year or so and have accomplished everything I have set out to do.

Now , I need the rest to be happy.  Cause something is missing.

Love
Autumn

Well it is official, I did it,  I accomplished it.  I can not believe it....I never thought the day would come to be honest with all of you.  I couldn't of done it with out so many friends on here, who were there for me.  Also to those who only shared their wise words with me to keep me focused in the right direction.

So are you all wondering...
What it is that I am speaking about...

Well ....

I have been HONERABLY Discharged off Probation.

It has been such a long road, I mean long.  There were times in the beginning that I had so many curves in the tunnel with no lights that I felt like I was going to fall off the tracks.  I didnt I stayed on and held on for dear life.  When it got really dark and I thought the day wouldnt come, hell I took a nap and when I woke up I saw a little flicker.  Then the flickers turned into light shadows and then a few more bends in the tunnel and you could see som sort of light.  Then when I finally made it out of the tunnel it was all up hill.  For every step forward I felt like I was falling backward, until then the hills got a little less steep.  Here I am ... At the top of that one hill.  More Hills of course to come,  but this was a long one.

So there is another GOAL that I have achieved this year along with the other ones.    This one took 19 months to accomplish and a lot of patience.

Graduation is next... June 16.. Then the externship.Then  a REAL JOB..

What a exciting 19 months this has been..A lot of hard work and determination to get it done and not plan the results but to just work towards the goal.

Now I just have to get LAID..

Love
Always
Autumn

I hate when I let myself fall behind on my mail here at Collarme.  So if you have written me in the last month and are not from the California area or with in reasonable driving time,  I hope you wrote a kick ass letter or I will have to delete you to play catch up.

I do not mean that above statement with any kind of snobbish attitude, it is just a fact.

Going to try and get to the mail now,  should I start from most recent or the oldest.


Love
autumn

Why do people send messages and then unsend them?  So fustrating isn't it.

Only a few more weeks left of classes and then off to my externship.  Getting a new business wardrobe this week, so I am extremely excited about it.

My time is busy at this moment and when it is not I am tired or just burnt out...I do promise to try and answer some mail this week.

Love
Autumn

I get so fustrated some times when I take a look at profiles on here.  Some people have found exactly what they were after but most of all they knew exactly what they wanted.

I feel like I am lost at sea and do not know which way to go first to find what I seek.  I mean think about that for a second,  1..2.. okay two seconds. 

If you had sunk in the water and when you came up you were in the middle of the water, you would not know which way to swim first to get to where you wanted to go.  That is they way I have been feeling lately.

Well I am on my last semester of school,  I am doing so very well.  I start my paperwork tomorrow for my externship.

Lord is always at work, so I have so much free time on my hands to explore and meet new people, as I have the freedom to do that.  Yet, I never seem to...I do not know what my problem is?

Maybe things will be easier or better when I finish school.  I graduate June 16th, I am not attending the ceremony as going by yourself is sad and lonely.

Well I do need to start answering some mail and I think I will rewrite my profile.

Love
As Always
Autumn

I have been sick the last month,  I mean down for the count so I have not had time to write or the energy to.  I am finally feeling better...

I will write more one day this week.


I did get a NEW mountain bike,  what a kick ass gift to get.

Love
Autumn

My graduation date from school is August 3rd,  If it was tomorrow it would not be soon enough.  So once again I must call on all my patience I have learned to get me thru these next few months.

I am going on vacation August 5th, which will be my first vacation since coming to the Bay area.  It is well deserved and is awaited with much anticpation.

The Bay area has not brought me much happiness but it did give me my recovery.  I do not plan on staying here much after graduation.  I am looking into warm area's with beaches or maybe even back to Neveda.  I am truly not sure yet,  unless I get a Kick ASS job here.

TRUST and INEGRITY are big characteristics I look for in someone.  If I hear someone lie to another,  I have to believe that they lie to me also.  There for how can one trust another.

People, no let say, some men, never seem to amaze at what they will do.  If I believe it to be wrong and I stand up for that, that give's me MY Integrity, if someone does not understand that, then I do not believe them to have INTEGRITY.

What I really want to say,  I can't do right now.

Anyway,  Off I go to work today.

Love
autumn

Good morning everyone.

As normal my week has been busy,  so I do apologize to you.  My days are really long right now from school and work,  but I believe it to be totally worth it when it is all over.

I am doing so very well in school above what I ever thought I would do.   Plus still manage to work everyday after school.

I have put my time management skills to very good use.

I did have a lovely weekend with myself.  As I cleaned out my closet and brought some more stuff down to the women's shelter here in my area.  Doing that makes me feel good inside.

I was able to spend the entire weekend by myself which was wonderful.  I did alot of sprng cleaning of stuff I wanted to dump and lessen the load of stuff I had.  Out with the old and in with the new. (sooner or later)

By request,  I have been reading a book called "The Secret"  which seams to be a very good book.

I have another full and busy week this week,  but should have time by saturday to play catch up with the peple I am speaking too.

Love
Autumn

I have been spending some time lately trying to learn how to feel good about myself again.  I have had a really good support group doing it for me for a while I have not been able to do it.

Self-Estem use ot be one of my best qualites,  it is lacking at this moment.

I have been taking solid steps to show myself I love myself, whether I fel good or not that day.

I have been working hard on my qualities that need improvement and cleanng up my good traiits to make them better.

It has been almost two weeks since I got back from new York and I have been so busy with school and work that I still have not unpacked my bags. LOL,  Something I would of never done a while ago.

I am so tired by the time I finally get home I dont have much energy to do much of anything.

I am hoping to find the time this weekend to finish the new profile and unpack those bags.

Love
autumn

Well,  I have completed another goal that was set for me.  Ahead of schedule by two months,  I was totally shocked as I sat in the chair on Monday morning when I was informed that the State of California was releasing me off my probation.  Yes, you heard right.  Now all I have to do is wait for the paperwork to arrive from Neveda and I am done...I'm FREE

For so many of you that know me,  know that the last three years have been anything but happy or fullfilling for me,  let alone easy.  It seems as if life is slowly coming together for me not without a lot of hard work and elbow grease.

I have let go of things that I held on to for to long.  As I have learned to let go of pain that I have known, and willing to put myself out here to find what I seek.  If if I might get hurt in doing so.

I always feel that I will let people down when they meet me,  but I guess that would be true of a good submissive that they will never be good enough or love enough. 

The unknown is scarey to say the least,  just the thought of if someone will like me or want me is scary enough to allow one to sit in the pain that they know is common an usual.

I'm not scared anymore,  I truly know who I have become and the type of person I am.  I give and give and still give, until finally one day I can not give anymore.

I am looking forward to all the unknowns that are about to come my way.

I have several more goals to meet this year and am working very hard to meet them all,  in the order that they should be meet.

Love
autumn

I truly need to be wanted so very bad.  My flesh urns to be touched and used.  It has been close to 18 months since I have had anything.

A true slave/submissive needs to feel things to feel as if she is loved and cherished.   To know who she is she must feel certain things.

I hunger for so many things to be in my life again so I must search for them very hard if that is what I seek.

LIke everyone I want to be wanted.  I seek someone that has time for me.

Love
Autumn

Happy Saturday Morning!!!!

It is already very pretty out by the bay this morning. My pot of coffee already finished and it is only 8:30.  The sun is shinning and the air is feeling really fresh and clean.  Both kittens are sitting by the back door waiting for the street cat to walk by them until then the crows flying and making their noise's will keep them happy and occupied.

My week has been intense to say the very least since getting off the plain late sunday night.  My days have started at 7 and have not ended getting home before 9 at all.  Even today,  as I have a breakfast function this morning that I am going to and then I am attending the Chinese New Year Parade with a friend I use to be very close to.  I think I will finally get to unpack my bags (left with one and came home with two)  tomorrow while I do my homework for the week.

Last year was a year of achieving many goals for myself and this year  I have obtained one already and about to achieve the second one at the end of this month.  The other three will take the rest of the year to complete hopefully by the beginning of the New Year.  I have all the faith in myself that these three will be achieved.


I sit back and think about where I was last year at this time and you know what? I truly am impressed with myself and how far I have come and how far I am going to go.   Those of you that aremember I kept speaking about the light in the tunnel and if it would ever show up.  So many of you wrote to me to keep my spirits up , Thank you,   I am just about out of that long tunel with no light. ,  and the light I see is so bright that I have sunglasses on for it now.

This past month I have really really changed as I have said on several occasions,  I truly like who I look at in the mirror and am feeling super about myself again. 

I am ready now,  more so then ever.

Love
Autumn

I am one of those people that when she leaves for the day and is getting in her truck if someone is outside leaving for their day I wave and say "Good Morning" with a smile.

I am one of those people that when I come home at night and you came home at the same time,  I wave and say, "hope you had a nice day today"

I don't need to know your name or anything about you,  it is just who I am.

So this morning and I do mean early this morning.  There was a knock at the door,  one of the gentlemen that I wave to each morning, had a bag of new scrubs for me, he got them from someone that retired and they had so many.  He figured since he saw me in scrubs all the time, he figured I could use them or knew someone that could.  Wasnt that cool.

I like the type of woman that I am. 
The emotion I have comes from inside.  I can apologize for my actions not my emotions.  Emotions whether you agree with them or not are our own.

I am so amazed at the growth I have had in the last few months,  how much I have changed.  With each day I get stronger more secure in myself, what i believe to be right and what I believe to be wrong.   I no longer need to push things that I believe in on others, nor do I have to be pushed into believing what others tell me.

Isn't it a great day today.

Love
autumn

She's been down and out
she's been thrown about
she's been talked about
shes been up and down
she's been pushed around
but they can not hold her down
she has no regrets
she accepts the past
all these things help make her she
she has been lost and found
and shes still around
there is a reason for everything
I have been holding on
you tried to make me weep
but still I stayed strong
I put my life into these words
so you all can feel me.
so if you can take me as I am or have nothing at all.

shes older now
shes wiser now
you can not disquise her now
she dont need to
no one telling her what to do or say
no one telling her who to be


She's on solid ground
she's been lost and found
she is confident this is not the end
ask me how I know and I will tell you that

She is Me...


Love
Autumn

I am back from my trip from New York and I have to say it was a wonderful trip.  My daughter my mother and myself got along just wonderful.  I actually was very surprised at how well we did all get along.

I spent the entire time with them,  just enjoying every moment and really hated to leave.

I keep growing each day and truely am blessed in life.

I have tests today at school so I am keeping this short.

Love
autumn

As I sit here tonight alone getting ready to fly out in the morning,  I realize how much I have worked over the last 16 months to make myself happy.  I think I am finally getting there.

I am also so sad about leaving my babies.  My kittens are my most loved.  I wish I can take them with me but I know I can not.  I can only hope that the few days I will be gone that they will be well taken care of.  Feed and most of all given the love that I would give them.  (lol,  nobody can give them as much love as I do)  I feel like I am leaving my kids behind.  Those two kittens have been with me thru all of the turmoil in my life and they have  always give me unconditional love. I know I will cry when I leave them in the morning.

I feel so good about myself lately.  My hair has grown so much (no more hair extensions)  I look good and I feel even better about myself then I have since coming to California.  I feel as if I can face the world with a smile.

I have not worn my furs in such a long time I can not wait to put them on. OOOOHHHH they are so beautiful and I for sure will feel spoiled in them.

Love
Autumn

Through my life there have been many times when I did not take responsiblity for my actions and ended up creating more problems for myself.

When i refuse to take responsibility for my life, I give away all of my personal power.  I need to remember that I was powerless over my addiction,  not my personal behavior.

I have at times misused the concept of my powerlessness to avoid making decisions or hold onto things that I had outgrown. .I have claimed powerlesness over my past actions.  I hvae blamed others for my circumstances rather then taking a position of action to change those circustances.  If I contiinue to avoid taking responsibilty by claming that I was "powerless" I set myself up for the same despair and misery I have experienced before.  The potential for spending the rest of my life as a victim is very much real if I allow it.

Instead of living my life by default, I can learn how to be make responsible choices and take risks.  I may make mistakes but I can learn from them..

A increased willingness to accept personal resposibility gives myself the freedom to change, make choices and to grow.

I had such a lovely weekend, as I was voted onto the activities committee for my local area of the rooms.  Which means I get to meet people who have a lot of wisdom to teach me and I am eager to learn all of that they have to share.

Love
Autumn

As many on here know I am very involved in the NA fellowship here in Northern California.  I will even be chairperson at the Convention coming up in April.  I am extremely excited about it. 
I recently got a new sponsor to rework the twelve steps and grow.  And boy has she been great.  As I finsih working the 1st step for the second time (I know I will work them many times in my life to stay living life on lifes terms) I have grown so much.  Learning we are powerless over people places and things is one thing but I do have control over how I react to these things.   This is the control I have,  and in the last month I have changed so much.

I get many letters due to my journal here,  because it is so honest,  but isnt that part of this lifestyle.  To be honest with someone.  It is easier for me to share this stuff here on the journal so that if someone can not understand the roads I have been down then they would never understand me at all.


Well I have a busy day today so I need to get moving.

Love
Autumn

Why do so many of the Masters on here or Dominants think that by sending a one liner they will make themselves stick out in a crowd. If you want a real response you must send something real to answer to.  Do you not agree?

autumn

So many people write to me to ask me how things are going with that whole ordeal... So to bring you all up to date in one short statement

15 months this week,  I have done the thing that I had thought was the most impossible thing to do... so now I figure everything else that comes my way is so possible. Only one more month before I am done with my probation deal.

I have grown so much in the last few months on the inside, I am so excited to see what my life holds for me.  I can not wait for each day to start.

Love
Autumn

If you are not happy on the inside, the soul, your inner spirit,  nobody in this world is going to make you happy on a regular basis.

If you feel working alot is going to get you ahead in life, while life passes you by, that is your choice.  Does it mean you must accept it or does it leave you feeling lost.

Are your days off, which are few, spent behind a computor, being addicted to looking at things on the net.

I watch the world around me go by..
If there is nothing left to do..
There is nothing left to choose

When he say's he is doing it all for you and him to get ahead in life.  Does it make you feel better or more confused?

When he wakes up in the morning he gives you a kiss, when he leaves for the day, the last thing he says to you Is "love You"  The last thing he does before he rests his head at night is "kiss" you.

Does he buuy you your favorite CD?

Is being Strong, holding on or letting go?
or is it
Making it work,  accepting it, doing what you have to do,  Knowing all you know, and you know more then anyone. (LOL).

Autumn

Living in the reality of life is not always pleasant or pleasing.  It is dealing with sh.. and people that we may or may not like or could careless if they exist or not.
I am going on vacation soon, to NYC,  great bondage places there.  I am extremely looking forward to it.  A weekend of fun in one of the greatest cities in the world.  A few days with no chores will do anyone some good.


Love
Autumn

The house needs to be cleaned......

If you have written me within the last month, I, Do apologize.  I have not had the time with school, work, homework to get to answer my mail.  I keep saying I am going to find the time,  I just have not been able to.

Please accept my apology,  I hope to find some real time soon to write everyone back.

Love
autumn

Do you ever think about the Karma that shodow's you?  Is it good or is it bad?  Do you deserve it or not?  Do you remember to really say thank you when something good happens to you?  Do you enjoy the littlest things over the biggest one's?  Do you appreciate everything in life and do not question it? 

My birthday is today, and though it really is just another day,  it gives me another day to reflect on all good and bad.

Lord remebered my birthday, which brought reall tears to my eyes for a while.  I mean I really cried,  not because he got me something that I have wanted for a long long time, and even though we really couldnt afford it,  he got it for me anyway.  The gift was not what brought the tears,  the fact that he thought about me did, and he thought about me all on his own.  I didnt have to remind him or say hints.  He came home with the presents for me al on his own.

We had a great weekend together.


Love
autumn

Thank Goodness it is Friday,  WOW,  and I really need this long weekend.

It was a super tough week at school this week studying the heart and all it's fuctions and such. Wow,
Along with working everynight,  I truly thought I would fail the exam yesterday,  but I didnt and I am super proud of myself this week.


I keep promising I am going to get to my mail and yet I find myself running out the door early this morning to put in a full's day work, so hopefully later tonight I will get to do so.


They Say Time Changes all things, but actually you have to change them yourself.

Love
Autumn

Wow, I feel like such a spoiled girl this morning. LOL  Seriously,  I got to sleep in this morning, because I no longer have to rush out to get to my morning classes. LOL    It is only jauary and I have completed my first goal of the year.  Amazing what a little,  no,  a lot of hard work can do.  It has not been easy trying to juggle everything and do well in everything,  I will say that.  As I always say,  character is not given to us but is earned by what we put into our lives.  I mean I have been doing this classes since May of last year,  three mornings a week for two hours each time and then still doing everything else.  If I was dreaming I would feel as if I was on a vacation.   I appreciate everything that I have and even things I don't have.  It is the blessings we can not see that are the most important ones of all.

I am hoping to get to some of this mail that has built up this week, if only to say "hello" back at least people will not think I am rude for not answering them.

Love
Autumn

Well I guess I am starting off the New Year the right way as it seems to be going pretty well all around. I have accomplished my first goal as of today I will receive my certificate that I completed in FULL the drug court program that I needed to complete to get off probation.  I think I shocked Lord with how well I have managed to do it all.   Groups, meetings, school, homework and still work so many hours a week.  He told me how proud he was of me and how I did much better then he ever expected me to do and to receive such high grades at school at the same time.   It was a bitter sweet moment for me when he said he was proud of me.

LOL,  TinkerBell is always so loving in the early morning looking to smooch with someone.   He has got to be one of the most happy cats.  He trys to climb up the christmas tree and keeps breaking branches because he is so chunky, where Kitten is skinny and can run right up the tree..  I don't let my babies outside to play because I would never want to see anything happen to them,  I do however leave the front window open for them during the day to put their little noses out for fresh air.  ( I can keep it open until Lord comes home as he is always so cold and likes the windows closed)

Well another busy day for me today so I should try to get going but really need to start answering some of my mail.

Love
autumn

Character can not be developed in ease and quiet.
Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.

Well the holidays are over and the New Year has begone.   I rang in the New Year beautifully so it should be a great year.  

I have still not had a chance to answer my mail here in a few weeks,  which I feel extremely sorry for,  life is busy busy busy.   It is only a moment I have  taken this morning to write this journal entry.


Love
Autumn

The thing always happens that you really believe in, and the belief in a thing makes it happen.

So therefore

It is choice not chance that determines our destiny.


Happy New Year

Love
Autumn

I have been super busy this past week that should of been a week of relaxation,  I have not even had the time to answer my mail at all as I watch it build up.  I am sorry for that.

I've been given a big honor and have been asked to speak at my area's New Years Eve Speaker meeting this New Years Eve.  It was one I tried to get out of all week.   The lady that has asked me has 17 years clean and has known me since I have stepped into the rooms.  She has watched me change and grow and thought I would be a great person to share on that night.  I personally dont think so as it is a night that many people will call their first day and they need to hear someone with a good speaking skills.  She does not seem to want to budge so I have been walking around all week in my head thinking about what to say.  

Experience, Strength and Most of Hope. 

Honesty will be the most important part of it, 


Be safe everyone on New Years Eve and enjoy it to the max,  as how happy we are on that night is what kind of year you will have.

I think back as to where I was last year at this time and where I am this year at this time and wow how much has changed in 365 days,  I wonder whtat this coming year will be like.

love
Autumn

Merry Christmas!!!!

For some reason I am up super early this morning, 430 to be exact and that was pushing it.  It brings my memory to when I was a child and being most of my life I was raised a only child, Christmas was me getting everything I wanted and then some.  To say the least I was very
Spoiled.

I would be up super early every year and be done opening my presents early, even though I opened for what my memory reminds me of hours.
That was until one Christmas, and I remember it to the T,  it was noon and I was walking my presents down to my best friends house, and she was just getting up and had not started her christmas yet.  I was so upset as my Christmas morning was over and done and hers had not started yet.  Talk about being Spoiled, lol

I remember from that year on,  that the next year,  I made myself lay in bed to 8 oclock in the morning each year making myself stay in the bed that much longer so I wouldnt fly thru christmas.  LOL

I have no reason to be up early anymore but yet I am,  lol  
I have had so many christmas presents all thru the year that anything materialistic would not compare to all the achievements I have acomplished.

so this morning I sit and reflect on a year I made good on,  good things done for others and things I have improved upon on myself.

So I have much to be thankful on this day as I remeber all I have inside and out.

Love
Autumn
I wish you all a very merry christmas

I went to the movies the other night,  which was cool, as I have not been to a movie in a long time.   I choose to see a movie with a little meaning and depth one that was real and true,  I happen to love true stories.   I choose to see "The pursuit of Happiness" starring Will Smith and his real life son.  Who happened to steal every scene he was in. 

The movie about a man from here in the Bay area who has to deal with Life on it's terms and not his own.   Nothing really bad happened to this man, just little things that kept going on to stop him from being happy.    The movie shows six months give or take about what happened to him during this time,  while he struggle to make it thru a internship at a stock broker firm.

He worked hard but still it was another's decision if he was the one who got the job at the end of the six months.  He never gave up on himself he did and worked hard and most of all had faith in himself to make it thru this time,  with his child.

The movie has a happy ending with tears of course,  otherwise it wouldnt of been made, Right? 

What if it didn't go that way, and he was not the one chosen,  you have to sit back and think, I wonder what if? 

You gotta have faith in yourself before anyone else can have faith in you.  You got to believe.

Love
Autumn

It rang out in the still of the night air last night

BANG BANG BANG BANG

Loud and crisp in the still of the cold night air,  hanging in my brain as I could repeat the sounds by mouth for hours later, just the right rhythm the same as they came out of the gun.

BANG BANG BANG BANG

For the first time I didnt here the return fire, just the still air,  It is common from the apartment behind mine.   More common then I would like to know.   So common this time for the first time I didnt run to the back window or back door in the kitchen to even look.   Normally,  I get up and run to the back door to look and see,  but normally I dont ever see anything.  I remind myself of the nosey neighbor, LOL

As I sit for a few minutes,  I know who it is aimed at,  he is normally right outside when I leave in the morning or outside when I come home from the day,  I see him, he see's me,  on a daily basis,  Never so much as  a "Hi" or a "Wave"  no reason to,  I know what he is doing and he knows I know what he is doing.  We pass as we bring out our garbage cans once a week as they sit next to each other on the curb.

As I sit, with the ringing going on in my mind,  the next thing I hear from in the distant night air, are the sirens,  plenty of them,  they are far and I dont think they are coming here,  the stop and they start again.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven and two fire engines (dont know why they were there),  I finally get up and look,  as they are posting the Crime Scene yellow tape to my fence to his fence,. The guy I pass is dead,  that was why there was no fire back sounds as normal.

He lay on the cold ground in the early night hours,  dead.  Too close to home for comfort.  I feel for this guy on the ground,  even though I know why was killed and all.  For the drugs and the money,  by another that does what he does, most likley.  My heart still goes out to him.

As I watch the morning news this morning I find out there was another night of shotting going on here in the town I live in,  5 in alla in less then a hour,

I have lived in many different states, many towns, but I would have to say, that here by the Bay has been one of the worst if not the worst for me.

Our lives can change at any given moment I am reminded of that here daily,  just driving on the roads,  more accidents, more shootings, more everything here then anyplace else it seems.

Just a twenty minutes before this happened I was outside hanging Christmas lights,  I think of this as I turned them off this morning.

love

autumn

Good morning everyone,  Are you enjoying your coffee like me.   Well I finally have a few days off to breathe some,  not to much because I will have to work,  but I will have some time to do somethings that we have been trying to get to but have been to tired or too busy.

I finished my first course with a "A" average,  I remember when I started I didnt think I would make it thru,  let alone get a "A".  lol  

Next course is even harder with more exams, more terms, more coding and such,  they make you nervous just talking about it.  So I am going to work extra hard during this break so if I have to take a few days off from work at least I have some cash put away.

I plan on putting up all the christmas decorations this weekend,  just so I can watch the cats play with them,  lol,  I mean I have to put the lights up or how else will Santa Find me,  right?

Enjoy the weekend.
Love
autumn

San Francisco is covered in a heavy blanket of thick fog this morning.  I guess you can say that the whole city wants to stay in bed today, as this blanket is super duper thick.

So this fog is causing all kinds of traffic delays for people going to work or where ever they need to be.   Me, I am on my way to the last day of school for the year,  YIPPY.   I made it,  I did exceptional for going back to school, learning all the codes and medical terms,  how to spell them, know them, but most of all how to say them,  It is like a forgeing language,  lol  

I have totally amazed myself with the grades I received, going to school full time and working every day and I still manged to do so well.

I hope to do as well next quarter as well, I can not say for sure,  but I definatley gave myself a good start.

Drive careful and Be Happy

Love
autumn

Well two more exams this week and then I have off till the new year from school.  I totally need the break,  these 12 to 15 hour days with work and school and studying are really wearing me down physically.

I will share this thought with you in regards to it,  WOW,  WOW,  WOW.

I totally have blewn my own mind,  lol,  and I thought I did that along time ago,  lol   No, seriously,  my grades are far better and higher then I ever thought I would get and to understand everything also is truly more then I could of asked for.

And I did it all with working as much as 40 hours a week as well to keep money coming in.

Don't get me wrong I am physically just worn down and these next few weeks are a gift from the guy upstairs,  I totally can not wait for it to get here,  Just today and tomorrow and then I am off. LOL  Well from school anyway,  I need to spend some time here cleaning and of course I will work extra while I am off,  but did you think I wouldnt it.

I am so proud of me..What a great feeling

Love
Autumn

Rain Rain Go Away
Come back another day,

OH NO..
You Can Stay...

I decided to play indoors today...


LOL

Love
Autumn

Do you have pets?  I don't have pet's.  I have children babies,  the only thing is they have four legs an furry bodies.  I have two kittens who are so much like humans,  I swear.  They give me so much pleasure and amusement to watch them.

Two totally different personalities but yet they look so much like each other but yet so different in every way.

Tinker is kinky and twisted he has his favorite flapper,  well his is crop and when I in the bathroom he will actually carry to me so I can spank him with it,  He is such perverted pig,  he is,  lol  we start at his but and then before you know it his legs are open wide an he can take it,  lol

Now Kitten my lady likes a flapper,  she likes to stick her butt way in the air, and she remembers to meow when your done with her thank you.  LOL

They just totally amaze me and I am so glad that they are mine with all their quirks.

Love
autumn

Well as I sit here this saturday morning,  my coffee pot is almost empty,  which means I have to get up and get myself moving to start my day.  Which sucks because i am half watching a silly movie on Lifetime that I can finsih watching but they just prolonge the agony of getting to go to work. 
Normally I am so strict with myself to get up and get moving to keep my time mangement in check,  but I am learning slowly not to be so strict with myself as I will get it done.
My next exam is not until next week and my jobsite this week coming is so close to school that it will make me feel like I really dont have to work even though I dont.

As the new year approaches I am trying to figure out what goals I want to complete this year,  Ihave gone way above my own expeactations of myself this past year that I can not truly figure out what is next.

I dont want to put anything to strenous on myself because I dont want to fail,  but yet I want to make it challenging enough that I do have to work for it.

Enjoy Saturday everyone

Love
autumn

Wow,  what a great morning I have had and I have done nothing. lol
This is the first morning in weeks that I have not had to be out of the house early and I got to enjoy the morning.
I have great feeling of accomplishment again this week having recieved my second set of grades from school,  95, 100, 100, 85,  truly I dont think I have disappointed myself at all.
This morning I got to enjoy my coffee watching the news and writing out some letter's that have to get into the mail today.  So even though I did not get to veg on the couch,  I did get to just take my time,  something I have forgotten how to do.
Now just because my day is starting late today does not mean it will end early,  lol  just the opposite as I need to make up some work time.
I can not wait to step outside today and feel that cool cold crisp air against my skin, the type that will just wake you up the minute you step out into it.  LOL
Reminds me of back home in New York.
So since I got to enjoy the morning like I love to I am going to have such a wondeful day and take the time needed to notice the tree's changing color and the water and everything out there in this big ole world.

Love
autumn

It is truly amazing where I am drawing my strength from to make it thru these 15 hour long days I am pulling.  

I mean I have always been strong and a surivor,  but this is truly just blowing my mind.  I even did super again on my test's this week,  only loses 5 points for spelling something wrong,  95/100/100,  and I am doing all this plus going to school full time and working full time.

I am learning to just live at this moment in time,  not worry about tomorrow and what it holds for me,  and not thinking about what i did yesterday.

And when it is all said and done and I got to enjoy a beautiful cup of hot coffee last night outside in the cool crisp air,  the busy day was put into perspective.
I smiled and chuckled a little.

Well another long day is about to start today and another test and then of course working to the late hours. 

So off I go...
Love
autumn

To be truly humble is to accept and honestly be ourselves.

Humility, we can sometimes get confused by it.  Some on this site love humilation play but humility is not anything like that.  

To be true to ourselves in this lifestyle humility must be had,  dont you think?

To practice humility involves accepting ourselves, our true nature.

We don't have to grovel (well maybe a little), nor should we try to be smarter, wealthier or happier then we really are.  Simply drop all pretense and live honestly.

Face the world and all that face you,  simple as yourself.

Love
autumn

Responsiblities,  Responsibilites,  the responsibilities of life are everywhere.

Were suppose to do this,  that and everything,  and then a little more of this or that, oh,  and some of that also more.

No wonder why so many of us think about running away and hiding from Life.

So when I have a day like this or that or yesterday,  I need to take a deep breath and hold it and let go of some things,  and remember why I have chosen the things I have chosen to do.

Each moment can be so special if I pay attention and am grateful to all my responsibities for if the joy is not felt now the joy will be felt soon.

Love
autumn

Happy Saturday Morning Everyone,  

I hope all of you had a lovely thanksgiving and made it thru yesterdays shopping day with out spending it all.  The showed all the great sales and how obsessed people can be to get to the store's early on the news yesterday.   I am not in a position right now in my life to be able to do that maybe next year.  It is really no big deal,  the people that did well if they consider themselves lucky to do that,  cool.  

My journal today is about reminding people how busy I am and that I am sorry if you keep requesting to chat or speak on the phone with me.   I am not hiding nor avoiding anyone,  right now my speed is on forward and fast for a bit of time.  I am trying to accomplish so very much and the days are not long enough to fit in everything.

Between working, studying, going to school, hitting so many meetings in a week ( i am averaging 3-4 now) and doing my groups I have very little time.   I tend to take a few moments each morning and answer mail and then the rest of day is pretty busy.   Even my weekends,  because of school,  I am trying to work on the weekends some,  get up early and get in work some and get home to try and study and such.

When I do find that moment to breathe I really dont feel like explaining everything to someone that has not taken the time to stay up on my journal as so many do.

I am not at a place right now where I have a weekend to just hang out,  if I do something else will get pushed to the back and everything right now is so important.

This is a time in my life that takes major foucs on things it will slow down a bit soon as soon as those groups in the morning go bye bye. (i am trying to get that out of the way now)  If I loss foucs and put it on something else then I take away from the future I am looking for.

Being pushy only pushes me away, taking the time to get to know someone you need to put effort in first.  Take the effort and you will see that I put the effort back,  just know what i can and can not do at this time.

Love
Autumn

Happy Turkey Day!!!

As I sit here with the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade on my home smells that of a turkey cooking in the oven. It smells good also.  lol

I got beautiful roses on my desk which are being over powered by the smell of the turkey, lol

Today is meant of a day of being home and remembring to be grateful for what we have.
I have so very much to be thankful for this year as I sit here and reflect on things.

I worked hard to be where I am at right now in life,  this makes me happy.  I am safe,  healthy alive.
I have a daughter that loves me so very much.  I am so proud of here, she will be a great woman when she grows up.  She is carrying a 4.0 average in high school and plans on going to Boston University to study foreign languages,  she already speaks three fluently and was recently given the honor of beingin the National Honor Society of Foreign Languages in State of NY in not one language but all three.  What mom wouldnt be proud of that.

She loves me so much even with all my faults,  she carries my "One Year Clean" chip on her key chain because she loves me and believes in me.

So for all you woman and men who are running out to the stores for all those big sales today,  why not turn back around and realize that all you need is right there at home.  Saving $30 on some silly gift is not going to make you Trump.  lol

Well enjoy your holiday everyone.
Happy Thanksgiving
Love
autumn

Well I have to toot my horn this morning,  with everything I have on my plate work, school, studying, groups, meetings I managed to get the second highest grades in my class,  we had four seperate tests and my scores were
98, 100, 100, 88.

I dont think I could of asked of anything better for my first set of exams in god knows how many years. When I came home there were flowers waiting for me for doing so good.  I have to say I was totally shocked by them,  but appreciated them so much.  I was tired yesterday when I got home I went to bed at 7pm and didnt get up till this morning.

I have court this morning via phone to NY so I have get my butt moving faster this morning to get to a notory as they have given permison to do the court over the phone because of my schedule.

Just one more busy day today and I have a day off then I will make up work most of the weekend.  Get in early and get done early.

Well of those of you who are traveling during this holiday season, remember to be safe.

Love
Autumn

today seems as if I could be anyone else it would be better then being myself.   I feel as if I am the only person in the world that is struggling to find themselves in what life has to offer.  I do not envy anyone,  but what I need to stop doing is comparing my insides to others outsides,  thinking I don't have enough of anything.

I do have a deep appreciation for all I have accomplished and all I am working towards,  I realize that I have accomplished something big and important to myself,  so I need to stop comparing myself to others and what they have on the outside.

I have been working extremely hard to change my attitude but some days it seems as if I am no further alone then I was a year ago.   Maybe it is not all me that needs to change in some ways.

So I have my first test today and another tomorrow,  I have studied alot and even called in to miss my morning group today to study some more,  but I dont have that secure feeling that I should have when it comes to the material.  I have antoher test tomorrow but know I have to work this afternoon after school which will leave me little time to study tonight.

Maybe I have taken on to much to soon,  time will tell, I am doing my very best and I guess truly that is all that matters.  I am working as hard as I can to do all I can and still be happy.

Love
autumn

Maybe it hurts like nothing every has before,  even after a night of sleep,  you don't feel better.  You keep hoping it will pass,  you ask yourself "When?"
Maybe you cry when you drive,  so you put the radio up louder to drown out your own inner voice.  You go straight thru your day,  with out looking up.
Matbe you become numb or push people away  You look around at people and wonder "How did they get so happy?"
Maybe you drive some more,  not even noticing the sky is blue or that the scenery is beautiful.
Then one day maybe you will wake up and you will see the sun is shining, the sky is blue and with each breathe you take your smile may get that much brighter.
Who we are as a person,  has been shaped  our life experiences.   Some have made us better people others choices have brought us shame and embarrasment,  but all and I do mean ALL have made us who are are at this moment in time.
If we take a look at our mistakes and use that to make good choices today shows how we have acccepted oursleves,  our good points and our bad.  Simply by acting different today then we did yesterday shows how we grow.
I strive for imporovement and measure my triumphs by comparing who I was yesterday and how I am acting today.
I will always make mistakes,  I am human,  I should not continue to make the same ones over and over,  this give mes hope for the future and that the best is yet to come.
I will do the best I can with what I have today,  learn something new that will help me tomorrow.
Love
autumn

Well it is grey grey and grey this morning by the bay along with some drizzle.  What a great monring to just snuggle up under the covers and roll back over.  NOT,  lol,  that is a fantsy dream.  Work is calling,  Even though the blankets smell like snuggly and the good air feels so good,  you know that feeling that smell the calling,  "come back come back"  lol

It is weird,  when I worked as a escort,  I made in a hour what I make in a week now and there are days when in the back of my mind I wish I was still able to do that,  but I can't.  I have not seen a client in over a year now,  I still get way to many requests which keep the tempation there but not for long.  It sure would make my life easier and better if I could do that but I can't and won't anymore, besides rolling over back into those blankets is not that important.

Funny how life can change from one extreme to another when you look to make the changes.

A year ago I would never of told myself I would be where I am at now in life and have a  car.  All the things that I have achieved in the last year totally amazes me,  I never thought I would of accomplished so much.  I think about the next year and what lay's ahead for me,   if I worked this hard the first year I guess you can say I am going to push myself harder this coming year.     I am not planning the results and infact I am still tring to figure out the goals I want to try for this coming year....Healthy and Happy are what come to mind.

Love
Autumn

Well the holiday season is coming up on us

And this morning on the news they are showing the lines for the new Play station 3, that retails at about $600.  Now the stores do not receive them until tomorrow in the am,  but for the last week the lines of tent's (yes I did say tent's) have been lined up for about week in my town waiting for them.  People have little homes in these tents,  lol   For a game they are waitng for.  LOL,  now the news said ebay is selling them for about $3000 with free shipping of course.  (amazing)

I still have not decided about school yet,  I know if I throw in the towel that I still owe the loan,  which sucks.  With working full time and all and going to school it is just difficult and I have to wonder if maybe just maybe I took on to much.

As I have been going to work early in the morning and then school and then back to work, not mising a beat or a group or a meeting to keep everyone happy.   I have to work so that is not a question.  I want school also.

Well I guess only time will tell for me what is going to happen,  I make plans but not the results.  If I was able to make the results I would just click ahead to them.  LOL

Love
Autumn

I think I have taken on to much in regards to school and what sucks is I know this already.  
My days start early as it is but now they start even earlier to get eveything all in by days end.

I need to get to work early to get several hours in before I start school on the days that I don't have my groups in the morning.   Then I go to school and then back to work for some and then home.  

On the days with groups it seems as if I am working way late into the night. 

Between running here and going there before you know it I hit the couch and I am out.  Only to start again the next day.

When I get home I don't have the energy to cook because that would mean dishes,,  LOL   these are two of the things I use to do all the time before,  now I don't do hardly at all.  I don't give myself a day off because if I do well then I dont really have any money.

I sent off the money for the ticket from years ago,  that sucked... but it is paid and that is all that matters.

Well I hope to be out of my morning groups soon,  as NA is much better but these are court ordered.  I did find out I should be getting off paper as soon as I send the rest of the money they want.  (of course, lol)

I hope everyone enjoys this beautiful AUTUMN DAY with its blue sky and fresh air,  Remember to roll down the windows and enjoy...

Love
Autumn

Surrender and acceptance are kinda like infatuation and love, don't you think maybe?

Infatuation begins when we encounter someone special.  Infatuation requires nothing but the acknowledgment of the object of our infatuation.  For infatuation to become love,  however, requires a great deal of effort.  That inital connection must be slowly, patiently nurtured into a lasting, durable bond.

Surrender and acceptance.  We surrender when we acknowledge our powerlessness to our owners or masters.  Slowly, we come to believe that our Master's are greater then ourselves and can guve us the care and love we need.  Surrender turns to acceptance when we let this Master in our lives.   We let him see us as we are,  not as what we want him to see us as.  We allow hm to into our mind body and soul to the deepest of all depths.  We ask him to accept us.  Then we embark on a new way of life if all goes well.   We then accept that our master will continue to care, guide and help us grow as his.

Surrendering,  like infatuation, can be the beginning of a lifelong relationship.   But for surrender to become acceptance,  we must let this man take care of us each day,  mentally and spirtiually.and of course physically.

Many can disagree with me on this as I know so many people out there due not look for 24/7 but just something else.   So many people so many different views,  not one is right and not one is wrong,  they are just different is all.   We dont have to accept theirs and they dont have to accept our view,  it is when the views are different that we have a Lifestyle.  because it is not the norm.


Love
autumn

Happy Saturday...

It rained here last night in the middle of the night, so I cuddled under my blankets more and sat and listened to it pitter patter on the streets and the window's.   Always so nice to sleep to the sound of rain drops. 

So school started yesterday and "OMG" did I get a bunch of books that way a ton....I have to say it felt good to back to school,  something I never thought I would be doing but here I am back in school full time.  Wow...

So after school I went to work and then went back to work after I ate dinner... only to come home and crash at 930.

I have so much stuff to do around the house this weekend but I will be working most of the weekend to make some extra money.   You gotta do what you gotta do,  you know?

So let me get my butt of my chair and away from this computor so I can get myself to work so I can get home to do some laundry today.

Love
autumn

Well Everone I did it..

365 Days Clean.!!!!!!!


I really don't know what to say about that,  I never thought I would do it.   I mean I planned it but didnt know the results not until today...

I will tell you this... Life on Life's terms this past week as got to have been one of the tuffest weeks of all.

Ending with really bad news yesterday,    All I can do is try to fix it as fast as I can and move forward from it.   Things from our past our always going to come back once and while and what we do we this happens will make us stronger again.  As I will not run and I will not hide,  I hit it face on yesterday and will take care of it when I get paid on Monday.    So there goes that perfume again. LOL  I guess maybe I am just not meant to have a bottle of perfume anymore.  LOL

Well a new chapter in my life starts today,...
School,  Wow I can not believe how much I have changed my lfie from one extreme to another.   I have done more in this last year then I have in years,  I have accomplished and become a totaly new person.  Dont get me wrong I still have many of the same character defects that I had a year ago,  but at least now I notice them and know that they exist.  ( they always have)  and now that I have named them I can help work on them.  Some may never go away but as long as I am aware of them that is all that matters.


happy one year to me,  I am so very proud of myself words can not say.

Love
autumn

ONE MORE DAY TO GO!!!!!!!!

364 Days clean,  some easy and some hard all a learning experience on who I am.   Life on Life's terms.   Learnng how to follow what is in front of me instead of making my own road.  Making new friends,  saying "Good bye" to old one's.  Learning to trust my own judgment on what is right and what is wrong,  what I will accept and what I wont accept.   What I can deal with and what I can not deal with.  Learning to have faith in myself and trust my own mind and my own choices as they are what is right for me.  Me Alone.   Learning to love myself from the inside out instead of the outside in.  Knowing that I love and feel.   Knowing I am a good person to those around me.   Knowing I have people and friends that Love me and want to see me have success... Knowing I have a FUTURE......


Rembering to be grateful for what I have and not mad at the things I don't have.  Having fancy cars and nice clothes does not make us happy or even good,  it just makes us materialistic,  and we can not take these things with us when life is over.

   Enjoying the shades of the sky as I sit in traffic, whether they be blue, purple red or even gray with clouds.   Relaxing and watching the cars go by,  breathing in the fresh air as the WINDOWS are Wide OPEN.

Taking my time to smell all the smells even of the tide going out under the bridge.   LOL  Yes,  you can enjoy anything if you put your mind to it. (even the smell of the bay going into the ocean)

Rembering that things if not appreciated will be taken away or lost.   To be gratefull that you get up each morning and are able to walk and speak and make COFFEE ( love it) 

To know not to judge another at any time because we do not know where they are coming from.

To know it is okay not to LIKE Everyone and it is even okay to HATE people,  to practice basic principles  before we judge others personalities.

These are some of the things that I try to practice everyday these are the things that make my life easy to live.

School starts on friday and I am excited about it and can not wait to get those scrubs.  (like a child I am so excited)

Knowing that on Friday life will change again for me and that things as long as I work for them will come in time.

Even with all of this stuff the next thing is the most important...

The best thing I learned is this.

I HAVE DONE THE IMPOSSIBLE THAT I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD DO.....SO YOU KNOW WHAT...

EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS POSSIBLE NOW FOR I HAVE ALREADY DONE THE IMPOSSIBLE.

Thank you everyone for all your well wishes and moral support over the last year,  I have made many great friends from this journal on collarme and feel as it has helped so very much in this last year.  Thank you..

Love
Autumn


P.S.  Lets see what happens in the next year,  this year flew bye like a bat out of hell  (lol )  Time to make some new goals and work towards them.  I already know what some of them are but will add to it shortly.

Today is Novbember 7th and I will be clean a year on the 10th.   WOW,

I live pretty close to one of the tuffest area's of California,  it is called Richmond.  There are a lot of kilings on the streets there.  It is about a 5 minute drive from where I stay on the other side of the freeway.   It could be a million miles away but it really isnt.

As I drove down the main street to get to where I was going,  A womans mission house,  the street was getting narrower and  closer to the people on the street who I know are carrying guns and drugs.   Every other car in between the drug addicts is either a undercover or a cop car.   TAlk about being nervous... That my friends is a understatement..

The street at this point is so small that I can see right into their bloodshot eyes.  Looking at me as I look at them.    This area is lower then many of us have ever seen in our life and I hope you never do have to experience this.

Now even though it is a work day the street park is filled with kids or teenagers that should be in school but are not. Everyone is wearing white shirts.  LOL  At least they are clean.  LOL

The buildings are old and half torn down, the houses look as if nobody can possibly live in them but you know they do as people are walking around or shall I say stumbling down.  The only store in any of the buildings that still has a open sign is the one that says "Smokes and Liquir"  how ironic...

I go down a few more streets,  I started at 23rd street and am now at 6th,  and I didnt think it could get worse.   Wrong it did.  I had to make a u turn and to do so was not smart, as the streets are small and my truck is big and it brought me way closer to the guys on the cornor then I wanted to be.  I wanted to shoot myself for making the wrong turn..

The side street is where all the action is and as i turned my truck around guys from each cornor came out to see if I needed anything.  NOpe,  but what I did notice was on every corner there was a cross and a picture of someone with RIP, infact there were lots of them,  I do mean lots of them some even had teddy bears with the pictures.  They also had young girls standing on the cornors to young to be doing anything but you know they are..  Sad,   that their life is being started out so bad so young...That is a tuff life..At any age

I made my turn,  drove into the mission and dropped off some clothes to the woman there that have less then me.....I didnt want a receipt for tax puproses, I just wanted to give something back so that I could keep all I have learned this year. It was only a few bags,  but to them it was a day at the best store in the world.  (no different then me,)

Driving back, I took a good look around and said Thank you,  for all I have and for all I don't have...I am very grateful for this day..

If you live close to a area like this or even a mission home,  there is no better way to make yourself remind yourself how grateful you should be each day for all you have,  Drop off a bag of groceries one day or some old clothes,  they don't turn things down.

I promise you if you do this...You will never complain about what you don't have ever again.


Love
autumn

I wanted to write a journal on reflections of the last year today as I received a email today from someone that had asked me if I knew how many people were counting down these last few days with me.

I don't know for sure but my mailbox has been over stuff with well wishes and congratulations.

I am however going to postpone writng that journal entry for another day or so...

I really want to share what the last 24 hours have been like and just laugh at it....

I went to work yesterday and just as I was finishing up my machine went CORRUPT and lost everything i did for the day.  LOL 

As found this out I went into my pocket and noticed the money I had must of dripped out.  LOL LOL   ( i do hope who ever found it needed it more then I did,  and if that is the case,  I am happy that they found it)  LOL LOL LOL

Then I find out I have to redo the whole store,  even though I will get paid for what I lost I have to go back and do it again,  Idid that today)  LOL LOL


So now,  LOL LOL LOL LOL,  While I am at the store,  I locked my keys in truck, no sweat I had extra set on truck.   So then I continued to work...

Then I buy some food and put in the truck and as I pulling out into the road I notied the change  go flying into the wind  LOL LOL LOL

So on the way home I stop get gas get smokes and drive home.... I had wanted to run next door to ask Sid if I can make some extra cash by doing his laundry or cleaning so I can buy some school supplies,  and it the midst of getting out of the car, I was rushing cause I had use the little girls room....Guess what I now locked both sets of my truck keys in the Truck. LOLLOL LOL LOL LOL

Now do you think I have  a window even a little open,  HELLLLL NOOOOOOO   LOL  But I do have roadside assistance on my phone.  Now ... if I wasnt sitting  in my home waiting.  I would be pissed cause it is two hours now. LOL LOL LOL LOL

But what really really really sucks,  is the food is in the truck, the smokes are the truck,  Everything is in the GOOD DAMM TRUCK....

LOL LOL LOL  LOL

Now I could be pissed but would that do....
Nothing....
So as I sit and wanted to reflect on the last year,  this is what I am writing instead...

Okay so the guy came and went I went to hand him the money for a tip,  LOL LOL LOL  LOL, you know what he asked me?   "Do I know anyone with any drugs?"   Okay,    this has got to be the most fucked up 24 hours

Humble...   The KEY  to success

Love
Autumn
Three Days left to go...

What girl does not want to be touched heart mind, body and soul?    

What girl does not want to be the important person in another's life?

What girl does not want to be thought of as the last thing before one goes to sleep and the first thing they think of in the morning and all the minutes in between?

What girl does not want to be spoiled thru words of meaning and depth?

What girl does not want to be intimate with another?

What girl does not want phone calls to just say "hello"

What girl does not want pretty little presents that say,  "I am thinking only of you at this moment in time?

The girl who finds this is lucky and special...

I guess I am..


Love

Autumn'



Wow 5 more days till I have been clean a Year.   Who would of thought it,  Not me that is for sure.   Each day I become stronger and more confident in who I am and what I seek and what I will settle for and what I wont settle for.  What I will accept and what I wont.  Blah blah blah....  School starts this week,   Yippy