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chivalryknight
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I hadn't considered myself "submissive" until recently. I'm still not entirely convinced, but I'm beginning to see a common thread in many of my tendencies and fantasies.
I've been fascinated by spanking for about as long as I can remember, and until recently that's been my only real area of interest, kink-wise. There are a lot of things I see mentioned here that I've never even heard of - much less tried. But I'm finding myself increasingly intrigued by things I've been reading about in erotic stories. These are usually stories that appeal to me (at least, initially) because of their spanking content, but that I seem to find "hot" for other reasons, as well.
I've only ever really dated "vanilla" men, so I don't have much in the way of experience. I seem to make up for it in terms of curiosity, though. :)
I've really come a long way even to reach this point. Before I discovered the Internet I thought that there had to be something wrong with me for wanting a man to take charge - lead me, discipline me, manhandle me, whatever. Some of that confusion and guilt is still with me, so I'm sure I'll have my share of hang-ups, but I look forward to overcoming them over time with someone I trust.
I don't know what it is that I want just yet. Some open-minded friends, definitely - people to discuss this with, perhaps more. Eventually I'd like to find the right guy to form a meaningful relationship with, but I'm in no particular hurry. I have, however, reached the conclusion that another match with a strictly "vanilla" man simply isn't going to work.
If you'd like to know more about me, feel free to read my blog. I started it (on LiveJournal) a few years ago, initially to record my thoughts and feelings on the subject. I've been adding to it as I have the urge to do so. Although my primary interest is still spanking, I'm starting to branch out a little into other areas as I consider things I might be open to exploring.
Regarding spanking - I have, over the years visited dozens of related sites, but none have come as close to expressing how I feel as the "Taken In Hand" website does. To me, spankings have always been about punishment, but all I've ever really gotten are "playful" spankings. These are fine - even fun - in their own right, but it really doesn't -affect- me. As far as I'm concerned, without the emotion behind it, it's just ass-slapping. :)
My username, "encorigable" (Cori, for short) is a combination of the words "incorrigible" and "encouragable" (I think I may have coined this word myself!) as I see myself as a little of both.
Update - Feb. 2010 - I've gotten a lot of questions lately about what I look like. I'm a teacher and the parent of an eleven-year-old, so for obvious reasons I can't put an identifiable picture of myself up on the site. I'm quite short - just under 5', with dark blonde/light brown hair and hazel eyes. I'm curvy in all the right places - a little curvier than I'd like to be, in fact. I'm a size 12/14, but always working on it. Not obese, but not thin by any stretch of the imagination. I understand that's a deal-breaker for some, so I'm just putting that out there for those of you for whom it matters. I think I'm pretty damn cute for a chick that's going to be 40 this year. I'm also a 38 F cup, for those that like that kind of thing. :)
I'm still not sure exactly what I'm looking for. I've gained a little bit of experience with a trusted friend lately. And while he's kind of whetted my appetite for experiencing some of the things I've long fantasized about, I don't see us (he and I) as ever being more than just friends. I'd ultimately like to find a relationship that's more substantial, but I'm not in a huge hurry. I kind of like the idea of having a full dance card for awhile; then maybe settling down once I find the "perfect" kinky guy. :) I welcome friendship with other like-minded people, but I'm not looking for anything more than friendship with those that are married or otherwise attached. I respond best to men I perceive as gentlemen. If you get -too- graphic with me too early in our conversations, it's more likely to put me off than turn me on. I do realize this site is of a sexual nature, and I'm a sexual creature. I'm just saying - I get -plenty- of offers for sex, and there's more to me than that. :) I'm a fun, funny, active person with LOTS of hobbies and interests, and I want to meet people that will appeal to me on many levels.
While I love the idea of rough sex, being overpowered/disciplined, etc. I'm not looking for someone to abuse, mistreat, or demean me. Like most of my more "vanilla" sisters, I like being appreciated and treated nicely. I definitely have submissive tendencies, but I don't see myself as a slave or doormat, and wouldn't want to be treated as such. I'm a strong, independent person by nature and believe that my respect is something you should have to earn. Asking me to refer to you as "Sir" in early conversations is more likely to get a laugh out of me than anything. :)
I enjoy exchanging emails with the people I meet here, but I'm afraid I have very limited time and ability to chat. More likely than not, I'm accessing the site by phone, and my phone doesn't presently support chat. Thanks for your interest - I look forward to talking (or at least, exchanging emails) with you!
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I'm back again, after a few months of not logging in. I'm still conflicted, and I still haven't taken any action. I keep telling myself I'll put forth more of an effort to meet people once I have a better understanding of what it is that I want, or after I lose some weight, or when I have more time available...the list goes on. But as forty approaches (and it's approaching fast - I turn forty next month) I'm becoming increasingly aware that the longer I put this off, the less time I'll have to enjoy whatever (or whoever) I may find. I've made it my goal to log in more often and maybe list a few interests, etc. (These may or may not have to do with BDSM, since I don't have a lot of experience). Please continue to be patient with me! :)
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Is it at cross-purposes to want to be treated tenderly but taken forcefully? ;)
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I haven't had time to make that update I'd been planning to make. Here's the short of it; I'll go into more detail later. A few months ago I hooked up with an old friend that was on leave from Iraq. I knew him 7-8 years ago, when he was in school and I was married. Although we briefly discussed our mutual interest back then, nothing ever happened between us other than a little PG-rated horseplay. Now I'm single, and he's home from Iraq. We've been "experimenting" a little, and I've been okay with this because he's a trusted long-time friend and I do find him attractive. It's not something I want to continue, though, as I don't see us ever being anything more than friends. While I'm glad that I'm making "progress", I'd eventually like something more long-term. The dilemma is, making myself vulnerable to someone requires me to have trust in (and friendship with) them first. I figure the best way to start is with finding other like-minded people. So here I am again, hoping to form some friendships with others that share my interests. :) |
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Wow. WOW! What a wonderful, warm welcome back! I logged in for a few minutes a couple of nights ago and then again tonight to find lots of new messages, including quite a few from people that are reading this journal! I'm flattered, and inspired to update. As you can probably tell from my last update, I haven't been around much lately. It's not for lack of wanting to explore; it's just sometimes hard to push myself outside my comfort zone to search for people I might want to explore -with-. In spite of this, I have been able to gain a little more experience recently. I'm working on an update and hope to have it posted sometime this weekend. In the meantime, hello again, and thanks for the encouragement! |
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I haven't posted a (public) entry in nearly a year now. Mea Culpa.
I've gained a -little- bit more experience since I last updated, and thought I would chronicle it here, for posterity.
These last couple of months I've been talking with a fellow I met on one of the more "traditional" Internet dating sites. (My profile there says I have a submissive streak - he picked up on it.) After a couple months of chatting and talking on the webcam, we agreed to meet.
After a fun date (dinner, followed by a walk in the park) we found ourselves back at my place.
Let me preface the following by saying that if I'd known he was going to be.....pursuing other options, we wouldn't have wound up doing any of the following. I can be a bit of a prude that way. But given the frequency and duration of our conversations and his insistence that it wasn't really a "first date". I allowed him a little more leeway than I normally would.
We fooled around a bit. It was very tame, really - but for someone with no real "submissive" experience, it felt very new and different.
We watched tv together on my couch for several hours. I was wearing a skirt, and at some point, lost my panties. He pulled me to him, so I was mostly laying on his lap (mostly face up, but for awhile, face down, he had me shift around a bit). While I was face up on his lap, he drew both of my arms up over my head and held them in place with one of his hands. He used his other hand to pinch and pull (up top) and explore (down below). Some of it was slightly painful, as these were areas that hadn't seen any use in awhile. Most painful was the nipples, I think, as I'd never had them pinched or pulled on before. Although having his fingers inside me didn't hurt at the time, it was slightly uncomfortable (and I was sore for a couple of days afterwards).
What I found interesting was how -different- it all felt with my hands restrained. I tried to take them back a couple of times, and both times he calmly, deliberately, pinned them back over my head. The sense that he was going to do what he wanted to do was....very heady. There were a couple of times when the discomfort got so bad from all the pinching/pulling/fingering that I was tempted to say, "stop", but managed to grit my teeth and bear it out. When I did, I could feel my adrenaline rising, and when he actually would stop (or paused for a moment) I would relax to the point of feeling like I was melting right into him (if that makes any sense). Those moments were the best - almost surreal. I have a much better understanding now of that old joke about "beating your head against a wall because it feels so good when you stop".
More about this later, after I've given it some more thought. |
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Just a quick clarification - while I truly appreciate the interest, I don't have time to respond to everyone that emails me here. Sorry to be so blunt, but I don't reply to married men, people that aren't within reasonable driving distance of Houston, TX, or people way outside my age range. Sorry! |
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I was recently asked about my attitude toward meeting people from the site in person. Here is how I replied:
I'm always a little wary of people that want to meet/start something immediately. It's not that I -won't- meet people in person; but there are certain considerations. There's the safety factor, for one. I have to feel 100% sure the person is who he says he is before I'll agree to meet in person. And because I'm a little on the shy side anyway, I tend to dread such meetings.
I much prefer to exchange emails for awhile, and possibly talk on the phone, to see if there's a connection. Unfortunately for me, there are a lot of guys out there that don't want to invest any time/energy in getting to know a person unless there's reasonable assurance that they'll agree to meet. I can't promise that. I'll agree to meet a person when the time is right, and not before. Not a very "submissive" attitude, perhaps, but common sense won't allow me to meet everyone I hear from. And the idea of committing to someone I barely know? Unthinkable. If I make a commitment, some serious time and thought has gone into it. And I'm in no rush. I've waited this long to find the man I want to commit to; I figure I can wait a little longer. And so far, I'm enjoying the journey! |
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Ok, I've been thinking about this a little more, and I think I may be getting somewhere with it.
I don't think Dom Friend #2 was incorrect in his assessment that I find some aspect of humiliation erotic. I don't think the humiliation aspect is necessary to the scenario, though. I actually think it's secondary to something else.
I'll try to explain by way of an example:
A very dear friend of mine is the primary caretaker of his elderly grandfather, a man that suffers from dementia. One of the things that initially drew me to this friend was the way in which he treats his grandfather. It was in evidence the first time I went over to his place - he introduced his grandfather as his "roommate" and "best friend". I could see right away what a selfless and caring person my friend was.
His grandfather, at the time, was having flu-like symptoms, and my friend insisted that he drink a glass of TheraFlu. Apparently, his grandfather hates TheraFlu with a white-hot passion. He protested, and balked, and argued - but with my friend's determination, he eventually got the TheraFlu down, and later felt better for it, despite not having enjoyed it very much (at all) at the time.
This display of caring (as I saw it, at any rate) for his grandfather absolutely made me swoon, and I instantly felt turned on. While I find nothing erotic about elderly gentlemen with dementia (or TheraFlu), my friend's actions stirred something very primitive in me, and completely endeared him to me.
I, myself, would find nothing "humiliating" about being made to drink TheraFlu. Some might argue that it would be a bit condescending and, in theory, maybe it is. I was there, though, and saw the entire exchange. My friend treated his grandfather with all the respect due a man of his age. He patiently explained to his grandfather why he needed to drink the medicine, and stood firm despite protests from his grandfather. There was nothing condescending about the way in which he we went about it.
Dom Friend #2 believes I'm drawn to the humiliation aspect of spanking. Here's why:
I let Dom Friend #2 spank me so I could see what it felt like. (I'll post in more detail about this later; right now - just the relevant parts.)
Let me explain here that I'm a bit funny about nudity. More modest than most, I would guess, especially with people I'm not in a relationship with. And I'm not in a relationship with Dom Friend #2 (other than as friends). I gave him consent -only- to spank over my clothes.
I took more than I thought I could. Probably more than he thought I could, too. :) Later that evening he had me pinned in place for "round two", and (without any warning of what he was about to do) flipped up my skirt to "assess the damage". I was mortified, and a little taken aback. He said, "I don't you don't like this, but I -need- to see if you're bruising before we proceed". I wasn't happy that he did it, but I understood his reasons for doing it, and I didn't get angry with him. Later I told him it had been a bit of a turn-on, in retrospect. Not because I was humiliated, per se. Not because he was looking at my bare behind, but because he knew it was something I wouldn't like, he saw it as necessary, and he was willing to risk my ire to make sure than it got done. That decisiveness and determination, together with what I perceived as the caring reason behind his actions, is what I found arousing.
Now, there are complicating factors, I'll admit. Could there have been ulterior motives involved? Possibly, but I don't think so, in this case. At least, none significant enough for it not to have been a turn-on for me. He could have wanted to look at my bare bottom just for looking's sake; but I don't see it as likely. It really was just the quickest of peeks, and he didn't linger over it/eroticize it, etc. And really - my bottom is nothing to write home about. I supposed he could have been looking just to satisfy his own curiosity about how red he could turn a girl's ass, but if he was, I can't exactly begrudge him that. We met up to explore a mutual interest, and while baring my bottom wasn't a part of my fantasy, it might have been part of his. And while I'd told him I was uncomfortable with nudity, I hadn't expressed it as a "hard limit", or taken steps to ensure that it couldn't happen (by wearing more clothes, or clothes that weren't as easily rearranged). At any rate, I took what he said he was doing at face value and assumed he was checking to see how much damage was done, and if anything needed to be done to remedy it.
I could see this coming into play to a greater degree in a long-term, serious, caring relationship. If I loved a man - really loved him, I'd like to think that I'd be as committed to fulfilling his fantasies as he was to fulfilling mine. For that reason, if he took a bit of pleasure in causing me a -small- amount of pain or embarrassment, I'd be okay with it as it would give me joy and satisfaction in the same way one would get joy and satisfaction from giving someone a gift they both wanted and appreciated. The delight of the receiver would make the cost of the gift seem inconsequential.
I realize that I'd either have to completely trust him to decide what was best for me (and within my limits) or rely on safewords since some instances of this probably wouldn't occur to us when "negotiating" what was okay and what wasn't. But I'd also like to think that in a long-term, caring relationship, some of that would come with time and experience. |
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I'm hoping some of you that have sent me email in the last 36 hours or so see this -- I'm not ignoring you, honest! I'd gotten a bit behind in my responses, and then this afternoon I got in a three car pileup. Worst accident I've ever been in (thankfully, I wasn't at fault!) but I walked away from it without a scratch. The cars, however, didn't fare as well. I was on the phone with the various insurance agencies for the better part of the day, and still got nothing resolved. :( I'll reply to your emails shortly; after things have settled down a little. |
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This is the text of an email I sent this afternoon. I'm saving it here for posterity (and because it always helps me if I can see what it is I'm trying to say...)
(entry starts here - I can't figure out how to format this into paragraphs! Can anyone help?)
This isn't really my first attempt to explore this side of myself - I probably should have qualified that a little. I've made feeble attempts, then gone through "denial" phases - not denying that I have the feelings; just denying myself the right to act on them. It's been back and forth for so many years now I've lost count.
I'm in kind of a unique position now, though. I'm more comfortable with myself now than I have ever been in the past. Keeping the journal has helped tremendously. I read through it, and instead of seeing a "freak" or a "pervert", I see someone that's just...real. And unapologetic about it. And reasonably comfortable with it. I can't hate (or deny) her anymore.
I'm also single now, for the first time in umpteen years. I've only dated "vanilla" men in the past, but now I'm free to find someone I can be more "myself" with. I'm in no rush; for now it just feels good to stretch a bit, and stop fighting it so much.
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Last night (before I found this site) I posted my most recent entry to my "other" journal; I'll copy it here below for reference.
I think I'm finally getting past the point of asking myself "am I submissive", since I clearly -at least- have those tendencies. The question now is: Where do I fit in to all of this?
Here's the entry:
Still trying to figure out how to classify myself.
1. Various friends of mine say I'm obviously submissive. (These are casual friends that don't have a clue as to what I might be like in the bedroom; where they're getting this idea from, I don't know).
2. Dom friend says I'm "achingly submissive" based on my outlook (or, at least, how I described it to him).
3. Dom friend #2 says he's figured me out, and that what I really seek is humiliation.
(I searched on "submissive humiliation" and read what the Wiki had to say. None of what was there seemed to describe me in the least.)
4. I took a quiz on OKCupid that seems to suggest I'm in it for the pain. I wouldn't have said that at all, either. I really don't like pain, and will do just about anything I can to avoid it.
I still have no clue.
Based on a few conversations I've had (still little/no actual experience) I can say this:
1. I don't like being sworn at, or being called a slut.
2. I find it difficult, if not impossible, to call someone "Sir" without cracking up.
3. I have absolutely no desire to serve as anyone's ashtray/spittoon/chamber-pot/whatever.
4. The idea of someone slapping me across the face sickens me.
So...can I really be submissive? |
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I happened upon this site fifteen minutes before I needed to leave for work this morning (so I haven't had a chance yet to see what all it offers) but from what I've seen so far it looks like quite a find!
I've been registered on a for-pay site for a couple of months now, but I haven't had much success in finding what I'm looking for. (It would probably help if I had a better idea of what that was!) This is all new territory for me. Although these thoughts (dreams, fantasies, whatever) have been with me since early childhood, I've only recently decided to explore this side of myself.
I began keeping a blog under this name at LiveJournal a year and a half ago, and have been adding to it since then. I guess it only makes sense to copy those entries over here now, and will do so as I have time. In the meantime, they're still out there if you want to go looking for them.
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| Age: 32 |
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Connecticut |
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