10. Sensory deprivation is when your Dom hides your hearing aid batteries.
  9.  Your nipple clamps have training wheels.
  8. Edge play is standing by the microwave with a pacemaker.
  7. When you tell your sub to get the cane, you have to specify "walking" or "beating".
  6. You can't tell the difference between your tattoos and your age spots.
  5. You shout "One, two, three, CLEAR!" for electrical play.
  4. Your idea of breath play is when your wheelchair runs over your oxygen hose.
  3. Your idea of suspension is an UltraLift™ bra.
  2. You hold the paddle and say, "You're younger than me....back into the paddle....HARD!"

And the Number One way to tell you might be too old for BDSM:

  1.  Age play really is 24/7.

Some people really want to be Smart-Assed Masochists, but they can't quite get the hang of it. Here's a few things they can do to become a genuine certified SAM.

• Sing 'Happy Birthday To Me' and blow out the candle during wax play
• Draw a picture of an open hand on your ass. Then draw a red circle around it.   Finish up by putting a slash through the circle
• In the middle of an intense cropping, close your eyes and start to snore
• During a scene, do a Howard Cosell impression and provide a play-by-play account of what is being done to you
• If your Dom/me tells you to 'Look me in the eyes', do it cross-eyed
• If your Dom/me decides to do a verbal humiliation scene with you in public, stick your fingers in your ears and say 'Neener, neener, neener, I can't hear you!'
• Decorate your Dom/me's leathers with oil painted neon polka dots and stripes
• Place a whoopee cushion on your Dom/me's favorite chair
• Use the toybag for dirty laundry. Forget to switch the contents back before the next play party
• Stick an Alka-Seltzer tablet in your mouth at the beginning of a scene
• Work up some saliva to get it fizzy, then call out your safeword
• When getting flogged, start singing 'This is the song that never ends...'
• Learn a language your Dom/me doesn't know and then speak only in that language when you are together
• Become prone to incessant giggling
• If you're trussed up and ordered to count, inform your top you can't do it unless you can use your  fingers and toes
• Have a wig made up matching your hair color and style perfectly.  It'll be worth the expense to see the look on your Dom/me's face the next time your hair gets tugged and it comes off..
• Hold up a scorecard after each blow delivered (like in figure skating or diving)
• When your top hints at foot worship, hand him/her a package of OdorEaters
• If you take a message for your top, write it on a post-it and stick it to your rear
• Tell your Dom/me a better way to do whatever it is being done to you at that moment

Learn the following phrases and use them as often as possible

• Get off your lazy *ss and do it yourself!
• What do I look like, your maid?
• This isn't a restaurant
• In your dreams!
• Who died and left you boss?
• I don't think so!
• Homey don't play that game
• Yeah, right!

*********************************************************************

• Only speak in movie quotes
• Give your dom/me a massage while wearing a joy buzzer
• Send your Dom/me an invoice for your services
• After a particularly hard blow, pretend to pass out. When your Dom/me hecks to see if you're OK, jump up and yell 'Gotcha!'
• Go in the toybag and superglue the nipple clamps shut
• Ignore your top until s/he utters the magic word
• Starch the floggers
• Whine
• Attach clappers to all the outlets in the dungeon just before a paddling (Clap on)

Note to subs - Do not try these tricks at home.  Only to be preformed by professional Experienced SAM's [with iron asses]

bdsm humor.........

you know your kid has picked up  your kink when...........

The neighbors complain that your kids do full body cavity searches when playing cops and robbers. Your daughter uses Twizzlers as floggers.

• You go into the playroom and discover an interrogation chair built entirely of Legos.

• You come home and find them tickling a bound and gagged baby-sitter.

• They hand you the body harness and leash that they used as toddlers when it's time to go shopping.

• Your 12 year-old crawls over and eats out of the dog dish.

• Your son wants to know when he'll get his allowance, because he needs to pay his tab at the hardware store.

• You tell them they're too old to spank and they try to assure that they aren't.

• Your daughter speaks wistfully about being confined to the playpen while the other children played in the room.

• You yell out to your son to come and do his chores and he tells you he's tied up right now...and you check on him and find that he really is tied up right now.

• Your three year old is strutting around with clothespins hanging off his tongue.

• Their favorite game is Cowboy and Dominatrix.

• Your son earned his merit badge in tying knots...twelve times.

• They won't play Twister because they don't want to say "red."

• You notice her Barbie doll has G.I. Joe on a leash.

• The 13 year-old begs for his first bra.

• You had to buy a clothes dryer because every time your kids went out to play, the clothesline and clothespins would vanish.

• You ask your daughter to walk the dog, only the dog's still home and the leash and your son aren't. Your son balks at toilet training...and he's 14.

• They made a violet wand for the science fair.

you may be a submissive if .................

just a lil bdsm humor

If you hear the term "House Whip" on CNN and then get disappointed that they're talking about politics, you may be a submissive.

If a friend of yours tells you she can't get out of the house because she's all tied up....and you get jealous, you may be a submissive.

If stocks and bonds fascinate you, but you could care less what happens on Wall Street, you may be a submissive.

If you find yourself lying about your birthday just to get in an extra spanking or two during the course of a year, you may be a submissive.

If, deep in your mind, you think of tic-tac-toe as a game being played between the X's and The Story of O's, you may be a submissive.

If you hear a confused person say, "Beat me!" and you automatically yell out "Me next!," you may be a submissive.

If you think the best part of going to church is getting to kneel, you may be a submissive (The same holds true if you make up extra sins at confession so you can get a heavier penance).

If you actually wish your Mastercard would give you orders, you may be a submissive.

If you think that the three basic materials for bed sheets are linen, silk and leather, you may be a submissive (or at the least, kinky in general)

If you call your personal vibrator "Sir," you may be a submissive.

If you think your panties look best on you when pulled down around your knees, you may be a submissive.

If you see a road sign displaying, "Chains required" and wonder if that means, whips are optional, you may be a submissive.

If you read a headline about sub warfare, and picture two naked women cat-fighting over a cute Dom, you may well be a submissive.

If you dream of a beautiful leather jacket with a full face hood, you may be a submissive.