not entirely sure how much more clearly i need to state this.. i dont entertain the thought of ever getting involved with a married man. if you have a wife thats 'vanilla' then go be with her. i dont want you.

im working on a new journal entry :) should be in the next day or so

i need a saw if anyone has one that is willing to let me use it with their supervision please contact me via message on here. i would appreciate it. thank you

the time has come for a new entry. ive been saving up some points of matter to address in this so here goes

is it possible to ask a woman to submit when you have no interest in her? do not wish to get to know her? do not even care to remember her name?

would a 'dom/master' accept this treatment from a sub?

in my opinion, you cannot ask a woman to submit to you if you dont know her as a woman first.

im an old fashioned girl i think. i like the courting the suggestive build up to touches. the anticipation of the kiss, the pleasure, the total submission. i want to feel my mind is aroused as well as my body. the body is easy. the mind is where the men from the boys are separated.

im not into this for just sex. i can fuck anyone. im looking for someone to help me be the best me i can be. the sub i long to be and the woman i was meant to be.

if you realize im looking for more than you are 'willing to give' then stay the fuck out of my in box. i dont have time for losers that are only in this for sex.

150 profile views (yay thank you) 2 from my area (boooo)

LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR.... DO NOT MESSAGE ME TALK TO ME OR BOTHER ME IF YOU HAVE A WIFE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER. I DO NOT WANT YOU!

i started talking to a very nice gentleman on here... only to discover later he was married. i must say it was a let down. i dont mess with other womens men. i dont want to be contacted by married/involved men. if the time had been taken to read my journals or profile it would have been clear but no i had to be the bad one to say no im not messing with your wifes property. its not my scene.  oh well onward and upward we go

well it wasnt love, it was a booty call with alot of lies. lets try over until i cum and eat and sleep then emotionally strip you and break your heart all over again. i give up. may delete my acct. sick of being on the wrong end of relationship hell.

last night i got mickey'd at the bar. 3 drinks and im total black out. neighbor was at the bar and walked me home thankfully. i suppose at some point i began drunk dialing people. one was mr halloween. he emailed me and asked that i call him again (hadnt realized id called him.) nor did i know i called my mother my brother and my current date type guy. well date type guy is like fuckkk you lady. my mom and brother were just like.. are you ok? and mr halloween wants to try things again. do i want to do this? i do have genuine feelings for mr halloween. some may call it love. confused. blah

for the last last LAST time. i am not into subs. especially sub men. so you know im not going for a slave either. i like my men strong and fierce yet loving and funny. that is all

not very often i receive an email worthy of sharing, so from sirintensity1 (not intensity that i flamed in my last journal) he sent me this... to be honest its the most insightful email ive gotten from a Dom on here in a long time (jlb2400 he has the backbone of a jellyfish) so here it goes

did you know that being strong and not taking some idiots shit with a straw makes you overwhelming? pussy men on here i swear. ive met subs that have more spine than some of these Doms. REAL MAN WANTED!!!

if you message me and it becomes clear that you have not even bothered to read the very first line of my profile.. i will flame you here! intentions.. you are truly one of the more obvious players in this world. you care not for the values we so desperately seek. you wish for a cut out of what youve seen in porn or read in some cheesy erotica you dug up. guess what?? we are real people, not paid holes and beating posts. we have feelings and if you trample them.. we will leave your sorry ass. there is a growing extinction of true Doms and subs on this site. more and more phonys and abusers looking for an easy mark to abuse.

before i get the emails, im not saying that there arent ppl here just looking for a good time with a play partner nor is enjoying extreme play. im just saying ive made it clear im not one of you. in that sense. get it? hence reading a profile and journals when available will allow you to see if. on a very broad stroke, you could be compatible. have we sunk so far that weve forgotten this site was created to help people of like minded interests with a place to connect talk and possibly move to something more substantial level? or is now based on photos what your willing to let someone do to you on a first date for fear that if you dont put out they wont call you again? as much as id love to say that if someone treats you like that they dont deserve you. allowing yourself to be used (not in the good way) is better than being alone. this is not a sad woe is me post. ive watched more than a few of my friends going through this lately and ive been there myself to know that bad company is sometimes better than no company.

recently i got an email from  someone i knew a very long time ago for a very long time. they are alot like krytonite, only wants to talk to me when things arent going awesome in their lives. well i have one thing to say to that... 'oh' cus let me tell you... when i needed that 'friend' they were no where to be found. im over being there for people who dont care about me. as far as im concerned, if you couldnt be there for me... why should i be your friend when you decide im worthy of a msg?? not when i need a friend. so heres to you my 'friend' fuck you asshole

ok so i get this email from this dude thats local... rockin body little older than im looking for but whatever... he sends me an email saying lets get together for a few beers and a bong hit. so i send one back saying beers and bongs sound good and id like that. i get an email back saying i dont sound 'sincere' nor does my desire sound strong... well fuck you buddy how the fuck do i not sound sincere. i took you up on your offer. well i guess it hardly matters... cus his ass is on block now lol im sub but im still a devil

ok so i figure i need to update this a bit. i am still with Mr Halloween and He is my DaddyDom. and a damn fine one at that. its been almost 3 mths weve had few disagreements and nothing with raised voices.active healthy sex life (im sure you all wanted to know ..dont lie). we stay at my place alot but we go to his apt sometimes... he has an inflatable bed yall... theres only so much i can do.

double penetration day!! haha only kidding... just needed to add something to my previous entry. krytonite and i got into an argument over the phone. however halloween was here and i couldnt exactly answer all his questions so i was IMing him my response. ive known this man forever and a day i can tell hes drunk ... in fact i even asked 2 times. he actually said no im not. havent drank a lick of beer.

next day i get this IM says wtf you vomitted in my IM last night... whats all this shit mean??? he literally had no recollection of talking to me ... nor asking me to help his idiot ex gf. yeah we are no longer speaking he is no longer in the picture and he is a complete douche.

hope that clears up those questions :)

ok so thank you to everyone for the emails. i suppose ive left a bit of a cliff hanger ... so heres how this all shook out.... i spent thanksgiving with krytonite. almost the whole week. it was strange and cool all at the same time. 2nd to last night im there.. hes on the couch with his ipad right freakin next to me making plans with some other chick. im all like wtf to myself of course. so he brings me home. i call halloween. we get together celebrate a belated thanksgiving together on saturday. during the time i was 'gone' for thanksgiving halloween stepped up and got a fucking apartment yall!! color me impressed. sex is back to normal and as my friend once said to me recently that if anyone can seduce a deviate side out of a man its me and honey i didnt fail this time!! i got me a Daddy and a good one at that. who knew??? hehehe .....

(i did)

found mr halloweens flaw... and its a BIG one. this dude just up and moved in while i wasnt paying attention and then as soon as i realize it... he starts sucking in bed. i tell ya ... bad luck finds me. so krypto ex is still in the picture. hes saying all those right things again. wants to try us again and i have to admit i like the idea. as he would say it ... he does own me... and i am his. i cant argue with that logic. 

so i want to thank those that have asked questions and sent me nice emails. surprising i didnt get hate mail. im shocked and sadly a little disappointed. i was looking forward to shredding one apart.

im going to spend thankgiving with krypto. i told a small lie to halloween to make that happen. ill attune later. in the pursuit of all good and evil. ill sway toward evil everytime... evil has more fun :)

wouldnt you agree?

so kryptonite ex stayed until thrusday morning and wouldnt you know it mr halloween decides he wants to spend the weekend together. we spent all weekend in eachothers arms in one form or fashion. laughing talking sharing all of it. he left earlier tonight and no sooner than he got home the kryptonite ex is in my IM telling me that he is about to leave his gf and wants another shot with me. now he does this shit all the time. waits for me to be involved with/interested in/crushing on someone and then he wants to start the we love eachother what is wrong with us etc etc blah blah blah. granted id love a relationship with krypto but i dont know.... ive been down that slippery rabbit hole alot. mr halloween is amazing. i love spending time with him. i feel instantly comfortable with him and missed him minutes after he was gone. what to do!!?? ugh so my single life got complicated. constructive responses always welcome. bitchy shitty ones will get you blasted in my next journal entry. .... youve been warned. 

so i had a date on monday night that was amazing. hes not kinky but hes incredible. so ihave this great date. best first date ever and my kryptonite ex calls and comes over and we have an amazing time together but its all complicated and shit but we usually leave all that baggage at the door and do kinky things to eachother. but now im conflicted. so alas my dating plight continues! stay tuned.

well it was brought to my attention that i havent brightened up my journals in a while ... so i started thinking and realized i finally have some things to put put here again. so i started dating again in the vanilla mostly world. and omg how fucking boring. i want to just run away and come back to a perfect mixture of vanilla and lifestyle. i mean dont get me wrong i love the lifestyle i love being submissive. it brings a fulfillment to me. but im just not into a lot of tress me up like a christmas goose. im not into extreme pain and electricity is out. i dont like pain or being shared. i want a normal relationship with a twist.

also ... ive been sitting in chat rooms again... oh yeah i know save it lol but i love people who are married and have these online relationships that are 'exclusive' puuuuhhhleeasse get a fucking life you idiots!!!! clean up your yard before you start adding cocks to it. or better yet .. just go get a life. also, on the other hand i love watching the implosion when everything goes tits up. irc and arguing... the definition of stupidity. i love it. lol

so i mentioned that dating right?? i realized something... there are alot of vertically challenged men out there. not that i have anything againt it... but i like tall men as a general its not required but i do like it.  and i like that the most important thing in the lifestyle is honesty. ive found some creepy men that seem so normal at first. i dont like men over 50 they make me feel old. i dont like men under 30 they make me feel old. so a nice 38-45 year old would be amazing. nice ass would be even better but im not picky.

anyway thats my latest rant. hope to have more soon.

i took a small hiatus from online for about 9 mths. started back to school in april. its brutal and i hate it and love it at the same time. still looking for something that feels right. ive been single for almost a year and im ready to commit as a sub again.

so im in the apartment hunt of my life. i forgot how hard it is to find an apt. its stressful. so i went to look at an apt yesterday the assitant property manager was so nice he came and picked me up from the max drove me to the property.... now this was a cute little apt with some flaws.... the appliances were all new, fridge dish washer stove and washer and dryer were all new. the carpet was a rust/marroon color and it was completely warn down i asked the guy if they were going to replace it (there were some parts that were new... they were these chop job repairs where they cut out a section and replaced only that particular section... you could see where the couch had sat... not kidding) he told me that the property manager (his boss) decided it only needed to be cleaned. i asked how long the former tenants lived there he told me 5 years. so it stands to reason that the carpet has been there at least 5 years. the bedroom was HUGE!!! in fact it was bigger than the entire rest of the apt. the kitchen was so small when i opened the fridge door it scraped past the oven door. not kidding again. the linoleum (did i spell this right?) was straight out of the 70s but the asst prop mgr was hot i mean really hot. i filled out the app but then i decided i didnt want it. lol i know im so bad lol i just cant seem to find the right place. i did find one on craigslist but i dont think it was legit. who knows lol anyway im off for a bit. hope everyone is doing well

ok so here goes everything. its the last day of the year!! are you all ready for it? remember the wolf pack is out in force tonight, avoid them as much as possible.
here are a few things ive learned in the past year... julia child was a spy in world war II .... no matter what you do there will  be something you missed or should have done in the old year that came back to bite you on your supple ass in the new year, i only mention this so you can get on it now and dont have one of those reality bites moments.

life hasnt been really easy for me in the last year and a half for me, but in my own strange style ive made it through with my moral conscience slightly dingy but esentially still intact, and with a smile. i have had stitches laughs rages frowns clowns and smiles through it but im still here and felt cared about for a lot of it. what more can you ask for?
i wish you all a safe and happy ringing in of the new year. dont make resolutions its just a way to fail yourself  first thing into the new year. dont we guilt ourselves enough?

on a serious note here, if you are lucky enough to get some of the most interesting inquiries and responses to my journal entries as i am then you are truly blessed. i do love the mail i recieve and all the nice notes (ok most of them). thank you for reading my inane rantings and bs.
thats all for me kids.
see you all happy and healthy in the new year!!!

some of you on here know me personally some dont, but over a year ago something happened in my apt. 2 ppl were hurt in my apt. the person that did the wounding got 357 months in prison with more charges waiting for him if he ever gets parole in 25 yrs. who said justice is blind?
i have working very hard to get back on my feet so i can get back online as soon as possible. for now im regulated to the library and anytime i can snag someone elses computer for 10 mins. so gimme some time i will be back for more rantings. i did get an email from someone while i was gone telling me they loved my journal and thought i would have a hard time getting someone as i am so outspoken. so let me ask this ... does out spoken mean not submissive or dominant?  i honestly dont think me speaking my mind can interfer with my extra life choices.

so im like sitting here and get a few responses but its still early in the game but i felt the need to really address something today. you know its all fun and games until someone looses an eye or at least gets poked in one. well there are currently about 5 men and one woman i would love to poke in the eye just for the neener neener value, yes i know not the most adult response and i would never do it ... well ... i digress again, but ever had someone just frustrate you to the point of complete and utter speechlessness where all you can do is make "that" noise that you associate to these situations. i cannot make this more clear. only AFTER you have read my journals and profile should you msg me. do NOT msg me if all you are going to do is ask me things ive already covered. i dont know you and you are already wasting my time and keystrokes that ill never get back. *deep breath*

let this be your warning. IF you email/msg me and ask me "whats your favorite part of BDSM?" prepare. if you ask me this in under 20 mins of conversation. consider yourself ignored and dont bother continuing. i dont know how many different ways to say it. ill go get translations in any f'ing language you require just so no one is confused as to what ive said a million times in the time ive been here which hasnt been long.

WOMEN HAVE BRAINS TOO!

WE USED THEM BEFORE WE MET YOU.

WE WILL PROBABLY USE IT TO DUMP YOU.

so consider yourself warned again. dont make me say it again. dont ask about sex/sexual experience/favorite bdsm memory/deepest darkest fantasy/likes/dislikes/limits/hard limits/things ive tried/things i like/ what does D.s mean to me/ what do you mean D.s isnt just bedrrom/if i like being naked for weeks or hours or in public. try asking me about movies or music or what kind of flowers i like.

despite the popular belief, i dont need to wear a neon flashing sandwich board proclaiming to every person in my vicinity that holy batwings i like to be controlled i like kinky sex. and i like it on a regular (yeah this is a hint) and that im submissive. but im only submissive to men who earn my submission (oh here come the you are a switch or topping from the bottom, yep thats gotta be my favorite label) its been my experience that if any man has to be called sir from the get or signs his emails Sir and has just made initial contact arent really doms at all. just men who need to have a woman inferior. i may give my submission, and ill give my love heart and devotion. but i will never be less than you. relationships in this lifechoice are not like the main stream public way of thinking (shut up about we are mainstream and if any of you ever say the words vanilla or nilla around me im eye poking you. you have been warned) our trust is bigger. where mainstream gives of heart body and soul. we give a potentially and oft times abused amounts of trust. sadly, not everyone can be what my truest longest relationship was about. i do miss Him. now he did look very pretty naked and then went in the navy. alas i digress. i swear all it takes is some traffic light changing 10 miles away to distract myself. i have never understood the segregation of the so called lifestylers and the vanillas. did you ppl forget we are all humans we all eat sleep drink shit swallow shower (ok being liberal here) and brush your teeth on a daily basis. we all also love fear feel fuck and forget. they may not have our same thoughts on some different choices weve made for ourselves. but then again alot of us cant see how they have the same boring sex day in day out. but you know what? if we dont want them judging us - why do so many of us judge them? segregation was abolished in this country (the US) many many years ago. why must we continue it? i heard a guy in a chat room one day say "with your views on BDSM and D/s M/s i would never allow my slaves to talk to you." well now there are a few different views that can be seen here at least in my opinion. 1st - are they so weak that they would be skewed if presented with a differing view? 2nd - are your slaves that unintelligent (he did say they both went to university... now its still unclear if they were the life of the party or the dilligent students) 3rd- and my personal favorite you are afraid they will find out you are a loser with an inferiority complex or small mans sydrome. well then theres the mother issue that could be examined but that my dear readers is for another rant. ooooh i wanna say something later about the whole Y/y O/u Me My bullshit must not forget. so here is a little question for all those that stuck around to read this incredibly long rant, does capping all the above mentioned and any i missed define you as a dom? are you comfortable enough to know that silly online protocal isnt the only way to define yourself? or your single tail or handmade paddle or the knots and how many feet of rope you used. how long she was tormented. when did it become a pissing contest. call me old fashioned (as if) but somethings are private. i dont discuss my sex life to all my friend why the hell would i do it over the internet over yahoo or collarme email especially about extremely intimate moments? so heres my wrap up... Men get some game. learn how to have conversations that dont feel forced or uncomfortable because alll you want to know is how kinky i am in bed and how much shit you can do to me before i get pissed and kick your ass out. im not here for your entertainment im here for mine. dont wear girl cut jeans and rip your shift keys off. if you are what you say you are. . . it wont matter. oh and ladies? just because a man enters a room doesnt make him Sir Lord Master worthy unless he is yours or potentially yours and i know some of you dbf's will be whining about they all are potentials. eat me. and if i have to hear about how innocent and angelic all you bitches are im going to puke on you then poke you in the eye. innocence is lost the day we are born. so get that bullshit on to someone else. im not interested.

ps dbf's douche bag fucks