DeviantlyD

Yup. Not much has changed.

I'm updating here as I just found out CollarChat is up and running again and it's my main reason for being on this site. But I realize some may look at my profile. 

I still have the same thoughts I had put down in my profile years ago but there have been changes in my life. I'm no longer in Hawai'i. Might I go back? Possibly. I'm back in Canada and with all the insanity south of the border I'm unlikely to head back there soon. 

As I posted on CollarChat earlier today, my life is a shit show right now so my presence is purely for entertainment and a distraction from my reality. 

I had an epiphany about 10 days ago regarding what I want most in life. And I realize that maybe what I need most in life isn't "that". I am living my life in limbo just waiting, waiting, waiting for "that" to happen. So what if I make my life (without "that") the best it can be, just how I am right now. And so I have decided to approach life...without "that"...but with the idea in mind that it can be the best, even without "that". :)

I hate being single and experiencing February. Yeah, February 14th. It sucks being single on this day.

There is a dominant man I met at a seminar almost two years ago. He's definitely not the type of man I would want to be involved with. The type of things and the sort of women he's into are incongruous with what I am and what I'm into. Still...he had a certain affect on me. When he looked my way, I felt like a puddle...as if all he had to do was motion me towards him and I would have no choice but to obey...that he could inspire me to do depraved things that I might not necessarily want to do but things I would do because of the energy I sensed from him...as cheesey as it sounds, his dominant energy. Now...he wasn't a pushy or haughty man. He wasn't any of those things I have encountered in a number of other men who describe themselves as dominant. The type of men who feel the need to be pushy and demanding. The kind who insist on being called "Sir" just because they identify as being dominant. The "you will do this because I tell you to" sort of mentality. There was just something intangible about him that I can't translate into words. At any rate, I'd like to have that type of dynamic with a man...where it isn't so much what he says and how he acts, but who he is as an entire person and how we connect. That's my fantasy anyhow...whether it turns into reality is another matter. ;)

I look at several profiles on here and I notice that there are a lot of one dimensional people on here - particularly men. Maybe I just don't belong here. Maybe I never did. Or else I'm looking for something so rare that it's likely never going to be found on this site.

*sighs*

It really does suck to be me.

I love this song.

I rejoined Collarme in part to participate on the boards, but also with the hope of meeting new people in my area. But there is this little thing called insecurity that seems to have prevented the latter from happening, even on a cyber level. I keep everyone away at arm's length. And it isn't as if I want to live this way, it's just that I let the "what ifs" prevail.