CurvesHunter

I have been involved in D/s for over a decade, and have known many wonderful submissive women. Some I have trained, others have been just friends. But all have taught me something about what it means to take charge, and in turn what it means to follow that lead.

 

Based on my experiences, I offer below:

 

 

 

Rule #5. Explore widely, but never settle until it feels so good you can't imagine anything being better. This is a foundational rule because it provides the overarching strategy of the exploration. There are two parts to the rule. Taking the second part first, never settle. Why? Because you're smart enough to know you're settling, and that means you'll be smart enough to immediately know this isn't *really* what you want. If you get to that point, it's a recipe for negative feelings. You might blame yourself, blame the world, blame your partner. It's hard to build a positive, engaging relationship when you're thinking "I wish I had done better." So: no settling! 

 

BUT, settling is not the same thing as exploring. Indeed, they are closely related because how will you know "the one" if you don't have anyone else with which to compare him? So explore widely before settling. This doesn't mean sleep around. This means talk, listen, adventure, date, flirt, chat, and when the mood is right go further. But do it all in the name of adventure first. And when you get that tingling feeling ... then maybe you're headed toward that more permanent connection.

 

Rule #4. Patience. Patience. Patience. It's probably the last thing you (or I, or anyone) want to hear, but it's the right approach here: remain patient. I have seen many many successful matches, but I have rarely seen them come at just the time both people (or both businesses in the corporate world) want them. We can sometimes control timing. But often we can't. Accepting that, and building up our ability to be patient will make for a much more enjoyable journey.

 

Rule #3. Independent, smart subs should remain independent and smart. One of the conversations I've had many times with smart subs concerns the question: "How can I be submissive and still be all those things that I am in my everyday life: independent, smart, confident, sassy?" The answer is that you can have it all when you get the right dom to conduct you. I'm sure others have used the term too, but I think of this as your "symphony of selves." You don't get an amazing, beautiful concerto by kicking some instrument out of the orchestra pit. Nor do you have everyone play loudly at the same time. Beautiful music is the result of many different instruments playing in concert. And in order to achieve that harmony, you need direction. A smart dom will know that leading a smart submissive is not an exercise in making her less independent. Rather, that dom should see how the independence (and every other aspect of her personality) can seamlessly interact with her core submissive desires.

One of the coolest things that happens is that as a sub embraces and grows as a submissive, she also grows as a leader in her everyday, often demanding job. For instance, I had a submissive once who was a nurse. She had some of the toughest assignments, and needed to just "not be the strong one" when not on the wards. But guess what? By letting go at home, she became stronger and stronger at work. No one at work knew what the magic sauce was, but they definitely noticed that she was stronger and more in charge than ever before. It really can all work together.

 

Rule #2. Demand mental stimulation. On a site like this, it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that submission is all about wild toys and kinky sexual positions. Those are all good things, for sure, but the true heart of submission is mental and emotional. Your dom should recognize this, and you should feel butterflies and emotions when you're with him. These should be *real* emotions -- the kind that keep you awake a little at night, and stick with you when you wake up. If it's just physical kinky sex, you should demand more. And if you have to demand it, and he hasn't naturally seen that your mind needs to be taken too, it might be a warning sign that the connection isn't deep enough.

 

Rule #1. Trust your gut. Smart people like to think. This is a good thing. But sometimes the thinking can be counter productive. Sometimes you just have to trust your gut. If your gut says, "I don't have a good feeling about this," then it's probably not a good thing. If your gut says, "I want to try this," don't be afraid to follow it.

 

Your gut is especially effective at giving you post-game analysis. For instance, if you meet someone, how do you feel driving home after the date -- do you feel positive and excited? Or ashamed and lonely? 

 

How do you feel while talking -- do you not want to hang up? Or is it tedious?

 

Being aware of your feelings isn't a guarantee that you'll find the right path, but it's often a great guide.