CuckoldkinkCpl

"Growing Pains"

As I lay here in bed next to my beautiful and loving wife…my mind races with a multitude of thoughts. I can’t sleep. As my wife and I embark on this journey together….I can’t help but to have some feeling of ambivalence.

We have led, thus far, a mostly vanilla lifestyle with a little bit of ‘vanilla-kink’ sprinkled in every now and then.  As we travel further down the rabbit hole, which is entirely of my own doing….I know there are going to be some rather substantial changes as to how we interact as a couple. Somehow, I am both thrilled and apprehensive at the same time. While delving into my thoughts…..I’m trying to explore what just might be eating at me and a few things are apparent to me now.

As much as it pains me to say it, I’ve grown rather comfortable with the amount of ‘control’ I have in this relationship. I’ve become lazy as a submissive, and frankly quit selfish at times. Why? I don’t have an answer for that. Now that I am so accustomed to my ‘vanilla’ ways…I worry about the transition of power between the two of us, and how I might react. What emotional effects will take place? How do I deal with the growing pains that lie before me?

I know in my heart and soul that this is the course in life I want to take…need to take. So why am I so perplexed? This is something I’ve known was for me since early in my childhood. I’ve always been sure of myself as a submissive and confident in my role…comfortable. Yet, at the moment, I’m filled with doubt.

How am I to react when we previously would have argued. Am I going to be able to tactfully voice my opinions…or will frustration get the better of me? Every married couple has their tiffs. How will we address these issues in the future?

I had a taste of the internal struggles that are to come last week when my wife became ill with the stomach flu. This came at a time when I was feeling more submissive…more connected than I ever have before to my wife. Though I was so sorry for her….I was actually looking forward  to being able to dote on her and care for her in her time of need. To be of service.

As the various stages of the illness took their course, I did my best to make sure she was as comfortable as could be. Yet she was feeling so miserable that she was being pretty irritable….and understandably so. She was definitely entitled to feel that way. What came as a shock to me was how much my patience was tried and how very difficult my frustration level was to control. I even felt ashamed for feeling so frustrated, and angry with myself for wanting to strangle her every now and then. It was my determination not to burden her with these feelings that proved to even increase my consciousness of helpless frustration.

I am sure that my patience will be tested again…and more increasingly. I am certain that the transitional period will be an internal battle challenging my every last nerve. Though I know that the quest at hand will challenge my very sanity at times…I push on bravely, because I know it’s right….and this is what and where I need to be.