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The Largest BDSM Community on the Planet

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i seek long term deep relationships.

intimacy junkie. sexual explorer.

i have many blog entries that i think describe me better through my experiences than a static profile like this.

he is honourable and trustworthy. he respects me and my gifts. he offers without stinginess his own gifts and intimacy. he is sexually skilled and greedy. he understands my body, mind and soul and seeks to enhance it with his lessons. he is open to my lessons.he laughs and teaches me about life. he enjoys a night out but becomes impatient to get home to ravish me.

he is a master of his life and in need of a muse to bring out all that is exceptional in him.

rogue journal July 26, 2018

as the 7mm stainless steel sound slipped deep into his penis, a ringing started in my ears.

that ringing was closely followed by a warm flush, slightly uncomfortable and engulfing. i knew from experience my blood pressure was dropping and i would faint if my head stayed about my heart for much longer unless i could control that emotional response that was negatively impacting my ability to enjoy this new exploration.

i felt my body start to wobble, looked up at him and gave an apologetic grin and promptly collapsed onto the bed between his legs. i wasnt quite out cold... just lost control of the main that my head was lowered it started to clear and i looked sheepishly up at him as he looked down at me with his laughing eyes.

fuck i said, isnt that something else?

he then laughed and i knew then that he had already tried it and i was pissed offit was something that we both hadnt tried beforeand we planned to do together....

it started the day before, me, him and his other went toy shopping. me and him were specifically looking for a sound or a set of sounds. his other was totally not there with it, no matter, to each his own. we visited 2 shops and each time the salespeople were split between their ability to effectively counsel and sell what was appropriate for us and just being plain freaked although they tried to hide it. not judgemental mind you, just some sort of fear, revulsion, distaste

for me it was just too close to medical procedures ive had in crisis or surgery situations to immediately make the jump to erotic. i need time to adjust, to reframe the experience both physically and emotionally. not just one adjustment but one adjustment for each and receiving.

strangely receiving requires less adjustment for me, its giving where i am less able to let go and be as sensual and erotic for him.

now, after adjustment, giving for me it is more hypnotic and mesmerizing to be a little less hands simply watch the sound slowly sink, disappear out of sight. then as the sinking slows, grip the remainder of the top and gently start to extract it. just until it can be let go of again and not topple over as it starts to sink - quickly first and then it slows again.yes, i find this almost meditative.

what i find delightful is the little pools and puddles of urine that bubble up and out when i am being sounded. the delicacy, vulnerability of the pretty urethral opening as a little fountain - yes quite delightful....

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4/21/2018 6:50:38 AM
A Fright

i received an email this morning.  i think the sender tried to paste some type of emoticons into the mail and it arrived to me as html(?) text lines.

2 notes came in rapid succession. sent at 5:33am.  i was up at 5;16am this morning...watching the sky brighten.

i shot a quick note back alerting the sender that their note was pretty much unintelligible. 

it was only then i looked at their profile.  Seattle, Dominant Male, age 53, Weight 187, height 6'1", well off, and writing at 5:33am.

the combination for me is chilling.  floods of memories, the person that i wrote 'my cult leader' about. instant paranoia. 

this is what being prey feels like.

4/19/2018 10:23:22 PM
word of the day

Rare. the estimation of something as valueless (encountered mainlyas an example of one of the longest words in the English language).

4/19/2018 10:17:22 PM
stuff you read and go yeah

so i was putting together a little birthday message for my daughter and i was surfing through some horoscope stuff and i couldn't just not selfishly look quickly at mine.  and lo and behold a paragraph that i can honestly say is very true about me.

Mostly what struck me is presently there is a deficit of those that i can learn from in my life.  i do search, nearly endlessly, for understandings of the human condition that likely will never be summed up but for our quest for affinity and belonging.

People born on February 20 have an utopian and visionary path to life. They are quite domestic beings although they can be very convivial when caught in the right mood. They surround themselves by people from whom they can learn something and are always in some sort of rush or search. They are autonomous learners and often their originality helps them stand out. They hate avarice and impoliteness and often don't understand why people are so selfish and cruel to others.

4/13/2018 6:26:01 PM

== Results from  ==   Comments by chaosattractor ==

For years i've seen these % lists on people's profiles, blogs etc.  Never thought to complete one of the tests -  but today's the day.  I'd say my results were fairly accurate.  i found the questions to be quite direct and rudimentary.  It's reasonably short - i choose the long version.  I'd say it's sophistication level was about 40%. 


100% Switch  - yeah, that's what i said

95% Rope bunny - so not the 'bunny' type and felt this a little high, more enjoy restraint, not necessary or particular rope based

64% Submissive  - so the dominant counterpart is %60, i was expecting a more 70/30 split for this one 70 sub 30 dom

63% Voyeur - ok, so i like watching porn and live is awesome too

60% Primal (Prey)  - in synch with sub = 60%

60% Dominant  - see submissive entry

59% Mistress  - this category for me is about how i carry myself and my inner strength, rather than being the 'mistress'.  does that make sense.  i don't take crap from people

58% Sadist  - i felt this maybe a tad heavy, but perhaps it's reflecting that occasional time that i just what to hit hard

57% Rigger - i'm self-schooled, i have this electric lift...another time, i tend to use that nonsticky duct tape, rope pieces, chains, straps, belts, etc depending on what i'm trying to achieve, so rigger is a rather grand for me simply restraining and subduing him  - it seems like there is some art to rigging.  love to hear peoples thoughts on this

55% Exhibitionist - yeah, whatever, i totally love to skinny dip.  i have convinced a large amount of people to skinny dip.  it's natural ;>

51% Experimentalist  - i thought this one might be a higher percentage, seems i'm slipping...

50% Masochist  - yes, seems about right

48% Primal (Hunter)  - yeah sure i'll hunt, when i need to suck and fuck a dick i'll do so

47% Owner  - this was higher than expected - if that's what he really needs...but not if he's just being a fucking prick topping from the bottom.  opps, was that my outside voice?

45% Vanilla  - totally live the superhero duality in life, i'm not interested in dealing with other peoples limitations and judgements

43% Mommy  - little lad, if you're reading this, kisses from mommy xxx where ever you want them

42% Brat tamer  - so this popped out of thin air - i detest brat, brat culture and the doms that engage in this environment.  sorry, hard limit.

39% Brat  - see above category, frankly i'm embarrassed and now i have to go back to the questions and understand how it is this happened

28% Pet  - thought this was higher than expected too.  i'm not big into really being any other species than human

26% Slave - i thought this was a higher score than expected like Master above, however, as i've been writing these notes, i'm contemplating the overall Switch charactertics of myself and think that there exists a master/slave element fluid like the switch relationship in general.  i'm not stating this exactly as i want, perhaps i'll come back to this.

9% Non-monogamist - not willing to discuss this openly, consider me monogamist unless otherwise negotiated 

3% Girl - i'm a woman.  I'm not sure what else to say 

1% Degradee  - i think this is the feeble attempt %, i really believe in reward structure rather than punishment.  i don't think of myself as dirty or a bad girl, i am an extremely good girl.  this is the subject of another blog of mine.  something i feel strong about. obviously 

0% Ageplayer  - sorry hard limit, if you feel that this conflicts with Mommy above, i understand that but for me Mommy is totally about the relationships not the age.  there is acknowledgement that there is age difference but it isn't part of the psychological fabric of Mommy's attraction to little lad

0% Degrader  - see degradee above

4/12/2018 10:54:17 PM
heart of a dog

i was very excited to go to laurie anderson's movie -  heart of a dog.  her movie dedicated to her long time partner Lou Reed featuring their dog lollabelle.  it was released in 2015 but i never got a chance to see it.

i thought it was wonderful, she is so unique and imaginative.

she said the purpose of death was to release love.  and to feel sad without being sad.

she quoted wittgenstein which bumped into my memories, wittgenstein, in addition to obviously being the philospher, was the screen name of the man that i wrote my blog entry - my cult leader - about.

it was a tough emotional movie to get through but i'm very grateful to have seen and experienced it and awfully glad that i still feel.


4/10/2018 5:59:17 PM

An attractor is called strange if it has a fractal

 structure. This is often the case when the dynamics on it are chaotic

, but strange nonchaotic attractors

 also exist. If a strange attractor is chaotic, exhibiting sensitive dependence on initial conditions

, then any two arbitrarily close alternative initial points on the attractor, after any of various numbers of iterations, will lead to points that are arbitrarily far apart (subject to the confines of the attractor), and after any of various other numbers of iterations will lead to points that are arbitrarily close together. Thus a dynamic system with a chaotic attractor is locally unstable yet globally stable: once some sequences have entered the attractor, nearby points diverge from one another but never depart from the attractor.

locally unstable yet globally stable - sounds like the perfect switch


4/8/2018 10:17:02 PM
darkest desires

someone recently asked me (and didn't even know me, which i felt was presumptive and clumsy) what my darkest desire was. or at least one of them...

it's pretty classified information. i wouldn't tell just anyone.  i'm pretty sure most of it breaks some types of law or ordinances and of course mainstream esthetics. 

i was thinking about what i could share. so much of my blog is not fantasy, it is real.  so what do i fantasize about?  well, it isn't exactly a darkest desire, but i do think it is worthy of sharing....

i would completely love to be lactating.  it was a true pleasure to breast feed and i wasn't in a relationship where the man feasted upon me.  something as close to a regret as i feel in my life.  i have so often considered engaging a cycle of breast suckers who would stimulate my lactation.  i have no interest in hucow or being commercial milked. for me it is more intimate.  my giving of life through nutrition and affinity.


4/7/2018 2:23:37 AM

time to retire with my magic wand, i've caught up on all my correspondence


4/6/2018 5:35:01 PM

i am feeling palatable relief that it's the weekend and i can just decompress.  i just had one of those 12 days sprints that knocked the stuffing out of me.

more later


3/29/2018 9:10:03 AM

why i love receiving roses as an apology

they are delivered. i contemplate them for a few days. i summon him.

he arrives, strips and gets on all 4’s.

he is soundly whipped with that bouquet. extra points for him if there are more than 1 dozen. (which there always should be).

it is a glorious sight. rose petals flying everywhere. the smell.

he is absolved.


3/29/2018 8:47:46 AM

an education


it was my 20 year work service recognition yesterday.  its not a big deal, 30 minutes - includes eshments. but for me - 20 is a solid number in my life.  born on the 20th, daughter born on the 20th, daughter’s father born on the 20th, made a big decision when i was 20. one of the better decisions i’ve made.

i am a very involved person at work.  i speak up, i volunteer, i’m engaged.  however, i don’t pep squad or cheer lead without reason.  if i’m on your team, i am looking for our weaknesses, limitations and constraints to understand where there is risk.  the oblivious ones find this negative.  this is a frustration for me.  there are 2 types of oblivious - the ones that truly don’t know - we’ll put them in the ‘feel sorry for you’ category and then the dangerous ones - the ones that are not oblivious but use it as a front because they are lazy and arrogant.  the dangerous oblivious ones co-opt the naively oblivious until the naively oblivious figure out that they are being used.  then the naively oblivious are at their cross roads - stay with the established relationship as unhealthy as it is? or leave and seek understanding and tolerance through deed with the non-oblivious? and so goes on the forming of normalized groups within the workplace - for better or worse.

these are the workplace dynamics and cultures that really interest me. especially over the long term. 20 years has allowed me to touch on understanding that beast within.  its not pretty, rather awesome, in a chilling kind of way.  it is the microcosm of the human condition.  it is what it is.  i won’t be there another 20 years (hope I didn’t jinx myself), but i’m thankful for my past 20 years.  it’s been a real education.



3/25/2018 10:59:13 AM
weekend morning pleasures

my chair at the table faces south east.  the morning sunrise can be seen there best.  my yard and the surrounding yards and streets are dark and silent but for the occasional far away vehicle racing down the empty streets - my favourite time to be on the road.  dawn.

the horizon shows pink, just a silver .1% compared to the rest of the world as framed by my window.  but that percentage increases steadily and more rapidly. a flock of geese noisily fly overhead - i am on a goose flightpath.  sleeping and feeding area highway.

after the geese come, it seems to enliven all sounds in the neighbourhood. doors and garbage can lids open and bang shut.  cars start and tires are heard on the road. distant voices within houses.  lost gloves and homework.

pink sky has given way to bright sky and the hum of the world is now peaking.  my cup of earl grey is nearly finished but the last swallow which is always too cold so i listen for one last moment to the bird song now in my back yard before i start my day.


4/14/2015 8:53:16 PM
an ode to spring

by Liz Phair from her Exile in Guyville album


[high part:]

Every time I see your face
I get all wet between my legs
Every time you pass me by
I heave a sigh of pain

[low part:]

Every time I see your face
I think of things unpure unchaste
I want to fuck you like a dog
I'll take you home and make you like it

Everything you ever wanted
Everything you ever thought of is
Everything I'll do to you
I'll fuck you and your minions too

Your face reminds me of a flower
Kind of like you're underwater
Hair's too long and in your eyes
Your lips a perfect suck me size

You act like you're fourteen years old
Everything you say is so
Obnoxious, funny, true and mean
I want to be your blowjob queen

You're probably shy and introspective
That's not part of my objective
I just want your fresh young jimmy
Cramming slamming ramming in me

Every time I see your face
I think of things unpure unchaste
I want to fuck you like a dog
I'll take you home and make you like it

Everything you ever wanted
Everything you ever thought of is
Everything I'll do to you
I'll fuck you 'til your dick is blue

4/10/2015 10:37:28 PM
my cult leader

he wrote me one day a simple list of lovely things.  i wrote back and said what a nice list of lovely things.

we wrote each other a lot and then he switched to audio notes.  his voice compelled me.  and his words.  and his delivery of those words.

we arranged to meet and it was strange and powerful.

i  was invited to where he called home.  a lovely rental on a private plot.  it was filled with books and records.  and him.  and his lovely old dog.

everything was strange and powerful.  all the time.  i struggled with things.  made lots of mistakes.  was harshly punished.

i was dismissed many times and begged my way back.  i thought i might die if he didn't let me come home.

one time i promised myself that i would not beg my way back again.  i found a wonderful person who i asked to beat him out of me.  it worked for a bit.  and then it didn't work anymore.

i went back again although i knew it was wrong.  the depths of my emotional masochism could not be found.  i kept going.

again, so strange and powerful.  and destructive.

he was my cult leader.  i would have drank the kool-aid for him.

finally i got away, i ripped myself away, burning everything down as i went. 

every day i think about him.  i think about that kool-aid.

so strange and powerful.  he was my cult leader.

4/6/2015 10:43:27 PM
contrasts, commands and cock rings

as i dressed for the ballet i quickly snapped his cock ring around my left wrist and held it to my left breast and took some photos. such a photo was to be sent by 10pm, however i was attending the ballet with my best friend and so i needed to take and send it then to ensure that i completed the task. after securing a couple decent selfies i sent 2 to him and continued to dress for the ballet. I unsnapped his cock ring from my wrist and placed it in my panties as instructed. i pulled up my black lacy panties and smoothed over my tights. my lacy bra was given some last minute adjustments. finally, my black princess dress rustled as i pulled it over my head. oh of course, my heels. high like my standards he says. i was ready to go to the ballet.

my bf and i got parked impossibly close for arriving so late. the rain was light to none, but with uncertainty of what would come next. we were comfortably seated in the aisle seats at right orchestra row 22 and it was perfect.

the first piece didn't do it for the 2 of us but the 2nd and 3rd pieces were outstanding. it was modern ballet, not a long drawn out traditional pagentry ballet (which i also enjoy, but for different reasons). during the first intermission i went to the toilet and took a picture of his cock ring in my panties and sent it to him. my bf and i noticed during the second intermission that the rain had stopped completely and the evening was clearing and quite lovely. i don't know about you, but there is something about a beautiful evening in the city that makes me want to wander around...

at the conclusion of the show we walked the half block to the car and there was an art opening happening where we parked. we had a look, we were underwhelmed. back out on the street we heard some music, we couldn't decide what - world i said - for lack of a more specific guess. we walked toward it, down the block and up a wide wooden, worn but lovely staircase. it was a ballroom for dancing. it was salsa night. it was rocking, there were a lot of people there. i chatted with the ladies at the door about what they had going on there and learned of their beginners nights and other newbie offerings. neither myself or my friend (sporting a short mohawk style haircut) dance salsa, so we drooled at some of the patrons for a couple minutes and then moved back to the street. we decided to jump in the car and visit hastings around main to find some music. most preferably punk.

as the night was so fine, the streets on the downtown east side were alive and active. the police profile was high. the vibe was upbeat. a warm clear dry night is much to be grateful for for many there. the smiling buddha was having a metal night, so we decided to hoof it up to the rickshaw. remember i'm in a princess dress and we walked and chatted i became aware of a great rock/blues hook being played and stopped to figure that out. i looked up and there on the 2nd level was a warehouse space with a gorgeous guitarist hanging out of the open window rehearsing with his band. it was a great groove so we danced on the street to it, got invited up by the entire band that now came to the window and graciously declined and continued onto the rickshaw. the rickshaw was having a metal night too. we were becoming discouraged, we were looking for a punk band. my feet were starting to hurt. we turned it around again and hoofed it back to funky winker beans. Yes! it was punk night!

we caught the last couple songs of one band, it was a little bit red necky punk but then the entire set of the headliner - bmsp - it was outstanding, especially the drummer. after the show i got a selfie with him so i could touch his sweating tattooed hard body.

it was now 2am and my feet really hurt. i bought a t-shirt from the extra pierced and tattooed band chicks for my bf cause i missed his birthday a few weeks earlier. as he and i limped to the car, i noticed again how beautiful the night was when we came out of the club. dry and clear and warm. a perfect evening from start to finish with my best friend -- the parking spot, the ballet, my flask, the art opening, the band rehearsal, the punk band, the cock ring in my panties now all covered in me.

4/1/2015 7:29:09 AM
being a very good girl.

i am not a 'bad' girl.  i don't do 'naughty' things.  i am not 'dirty'.

these are words men use to put women down.  words that women use to put themselves down.  words used and pushed by religious doctrine and/or conservative society to make us feel badly about what is good and natural.

i ask you, why do some need this negativity around sex?  i don't get it.

i am a very good girl.  i do very wonderful things that makes our bodies sing with pleasure.  how is that dirty, naughty or bad?  it isn't.

let's celebrate everything that is beautiful and natural about sex and leave the bad feelings to those incapable of truly rising to the heavens.

3/24/2015 9:19:15 PM

as my face was slapped repeatedly, i cursed conditioning in a few different ways.

i was being disciplined for repeatedly failing to use the proper address.  he was 'Daddy' and I repeatedly said 'Sir'.

i repeatedly felt the sting of failure upon each incorrect utterance and there were many.    Daddy repeatedly looked annoyed at best, vengeful (to come) at worst.  repeatedly 'Sir' kept coming out of my mouth. 

it was distressing.  repeatedly.  i kept trying to shake it off.  repeatedly.

i've never had a Daddy before.  always a Sir.  repeatedly.

it felt great to be slapped.  repeatedly.  an absolution of sorts.

i think i managed to address him properly for the rest of that night.  which wasn't too much time.

in the morning i fucked up again.



3/1/2015 1:21:04 PM
One of my very favourtie artists is Lucinda Williams, she has this song called,

"Unsuffer Me"

it starts like this.....

Unlock my love
And set me free
Come fill me up
With ecstasy

that's a pretty standard wish/want/need, albeit expressed directly, intensely and very concisely, she then goes on to say things a little counter-intuitive to a bdsm site, but indulge me please.....

Surround my heartbeat
With your fingertips
Unbound my feet
Untie my wrists

i like the image of surround my heartbeat. an invitation to hold, not clumsily in your hands but with your fingertips, to protect it's fragility. i still want my feet and wrists bound. sorry lucinda, we differ she again invites....

Come in to my world
Of loneliness
And wickedness
And bitterness
Unlock my love

and then the supreme ask. Unsuffer me. it's not a real word, but it works. you know what she means. each one of us will have our own variation, those variations will be very very diverse. but isn't it truly the supreme ask that each one of us throws into the chaos of the universe, hoping to get positive response back on?

Unsuffer me
Take away the pain
Unbruise, unbloody
Wash away the stain
Anoint my head
With your sweet kiss
My joy is dead
I long for bliss

I long for knowledge
Whisper in my ear
Undo my logic, undo my fear
Unsuffer me

the guitar in this song kicks in a BIG way. this is a song that resonates with me on many levels from an artist that i adore.


2/11/2015 11:08:56 PM
i was looking through old notes i've sent to lovely and interesting people here.  i was inspired to write this for a certain sir that i have never met but enjoyed corresponding with.  thank you for your inspiration sir!

i walk with purpose to the Room.  i need it known that i am excited in my anticipation to be given the opportunity to please Him.  the cuffs give that away as my hurried steps make them jangle louder than slow steps.

i pause at the door as He has told me to always do, trust and use my intuition.  my arrival at the doorway sees Him sitting in His chair, not slouching but almost, knees apart wide. hands resting upon His thighs.  His head erect, His eyes upon me before i am in the Room.

my pause turns into a stop.  an acknowledgement of His gaze, i lower my head a touch for a small moment and then return my gaze to His.  bring me My things he says without changing his gaze.  my nipples and cunt are already reacting.  activations deep within me that distract me beyond words.

i walk surely toward Him, He likes my confidence and has commented that i wear it well.  without swagger unless it is directed.  it is purposeful and focused.  He points to the table next to him.  i place His objects there and move away from the table so i'm standing directly before Him.

i placed His objects in a way that with only the movement of His arm His hand will connect easily with it.  i have gotten better at this over time.  my placement is very good today.  without removing His gaze from me His arm raises over the table and His hand comes down upon the crop.  He smiles at me and I become lost.  a blush starts and moves it way all the way down to my belly button.  i try not to squirm.  i exhale sharply - relief and anticipation mixed.

He straightens upon the chair.  He raises the crop to under my chin and lifts it enough that my neck is bared and my eyes cannot see Him directly.  I can feel His gaze up and down my body now.  He is silent.  the crop is lowered under my chin and my head comes down.  the crop tip is then placed on my lips.  He directs me to kiss the crop and tell Him want He wants to hear.

"Master i exist only to please you" and i kiss the crop tip.

"you please me"  He responds.

i blush again, while trying so hard not to.  but His acknowledgement and recognition mean everything to me.  they speak to my soul.

'turn around, spread your legs'

i turn and as i do He starts hitting and smacking me with the crop.  my thighs and hips, my butt, my torso, my upper arms.    i squirm my way into position.

'bend over grab your ankles'

i bend at the waist and slightly lean back, i grab my ankles.  the spreader bar clanks to the ground, i can see it behind me.  my feet are kicked another 4 inches each way wider and the spreader bar is clipped to both my wrist and ankle cuffs on each end.

again, a barrage of hitting and smacking, mostly to my ass and thighs now.  so completely exposed.  i cry out many times and say thank you when i have my breath.  but mostly i just whimper and cry out.

He soothes me between blows or series of blows.  His cool hand sliding over my hot skin.  the interplay of his touch and my skin  - the relative tenderness of each.  He walks around me to my front, so close to me i can feel His heat.  He grabs hair and lifts my head to its maximum and shoves my face into His groin.  upon my face, through His trousers i feel His hardness.  i move my lips to kiss it's outline and my cheek to rub against the shaft.   He adjusts his grasp on my hair and shoves my face deeper into his crotch at the same time reaching across my body and smacking my backside with the crop again.  i whimper into His hardness.  He lets go of my hair, my head hangs down.  He places the crop on the floor in front of me.

He walks back around to the table and to his chair.  he sits down and take off his boots, trousers and underpants.  he put his boots back on.  he grab the foot stool from under the table and bring it around front of me and sits on it.  it is the right height for me to have my face and mouth directly on His cock.  He can sit comfortably, take His hand to the back of my neck and direct my mouth onto His cock and adjust it to his liking. 

my mouth is greedy for His cock.  HIs cock is already hard but gets stiffer in my mouth.  i groan with pleasure as it fills me. i feel His hand upon my neck pressing me onto Him deeper.  i feel him rise up from his footstool to drive deeper into my mouth.  i feel so well used that it overcomes me and my pussy starts to twitch and drip.  i choke and sputter on each drive but Hedon't let up.    i watch His other hand pick up the crop again.  i whimper in anticipation.  He again reaches across my body to deliver blows to my ass, not allowing my mouth to leave His cock.  i struggle not to bite at Him too hard as the crop bears down on my skin and i cry out.

he strikes me several more times and i can feel and taste salty tears running down my face into my mouth.  my skin and flesh are on fire again and i am having difficulty keeping on my feet.  my energy is fading.  my threshold is being reached.  he knows this and release my cuffs from the spreader bar, both wrist and ankles.

"on your knees babygirl"

i am on my knees between his and my mouth is again directed to his cock.  he uses my mouth again with his hands grasping my hair and using it to guide me.  my instincts make me raise my hands to his knees.  i am told twice to put my hands behind my back.  the third time, you roughly pull my head off your dick and shove me to the side.

he barks at me to take off my cuffs as you rise to again go to the table.  i scramble to get my wrists and ankles free and clear.  he brings back the silk scarves and roughly but expertly tie my hands behind my back with one.  the other he fastens around my neck and shoulder in a harness fashion.  he settles on the footstool again and motion to me to assume my kneeling position.  i cannot use my hands now and have no choice but to fall deeper onto his cock as he wishes.  his expertly tied harness allows him to pull me toward you while simultaneously tightening around my neck.  it a quick movement he is deep in my inner throat and the silk harness is closing around my outer throat.  he starts to count and i know that i am expected to get to 60.  i start to falter around 45 and the throat tie gets tighter and i start to lose reality.  i feel him thrust a few times into my powerless body, my cunt releases and squirts.  my eyes are deeply rolled back in my head.  i hear him say 60 and i fall limp.  he catches me, i gag and spurt. i hear his recognition and encouragements in my ear through a loud buzzing sound.  everything seems like its so far away.

he gives me a few seconds of recovery and then repeats the scene.  his cock inserted deep and then a tightening of the scarf, and then count.  i get limper and more malleable to his direction......

2/7/2015 9:07:38 AM

I'm a messy lay.

so messy in fact, that i've been kicked out of bed.  you know those types that don't want a hair out of place, i couldn't join their club.  i've been asked if i could simply not do it.  i'm not sure how that would work.  when i say 'do it' i mean squirting, gushing, leaking, female ejaculation.   all of the above.  i write all those words as i do believe they are all slightly different.  let's talk about that.

i first had a release of fluid during sex when i was 17.  i would call that a gush as it flooded out after climbing onto of him and riding him hard.  we both looked pretty dumbfounded when it happened.  the ignorance of youth, we just laughed and ignored it.  his mom however, did not and questioned him unmercifully about why his jeans seemed peed on. well they were.  what can i say.  yes, there was some female ejaculate in there, but there was a lot of pee too.

frankly, i've always most enjoyed the men that dive into my cunt with their fingers.   lay me down on my back and watch me writhe on the bed while they explore my inner depths, tickling my cevix, recognizing the different textures, noting the nooks and crannies.  maybe they are simply holding me down with their opposite hand on my breastbone, or maybe they've restrained me in other ways as to have 2 hands free.  either way, these men are deeply into the female experience, use eye contact in a superior way and know that they are very much in the splash zone.  i like these men very much.

leaking happens when he's got me so worked up it's like my pussy is crying with joy.  a slow dribble, a small river, passively with gravity running across my anus, wetting his balls if his cock is in me.  leaking past his hand.  accompanying this dribble is a sense of total submission.  i would compare it to a dog's excited or fear based peeing, but that's not quite it, but there are elements of it - without the fear and without the overt excitement.  it's more like a giving over of one's sexual self that becomes very primal.  when most men start to feel the leak, they get really excited and start to pound me which results in a gush or squirt.

female ejaculate for me is simply the nice slight greasy fluid that makes for a terrific natural lube.  for me it doesn't always come out and it comes out in different volumes.  which makes me a self-lubricating fuck toy.  yum!

squirting is a porn thing.  it's fucking fun.  it's when two show offs connect and perform.  usually there is attempt to contain the fluid somehow so it doesn't soak everything, but that isn't the case with squirting.  it is very refreshing to squirt for distance.  resign yourself to the clean up and let it rip.  truly i haven't laughed as hard or felt so free in spirit.

the body beautiful, the body amazing.  here's to the fearless men that know how to use the washing machine.  i salute you.

12/29/2014 11:58:00 AM

i had some time on my hands last night...i had puttered about the house, doing this and that.  bored myself with a couple netflix offerings.....

earlier, i had spent the day with a good friend.  it was his birthday so we had a big breakfast and then coasted through the afternoon watching the river from his 13th story apartment.  as usual the conversation steered to relationships and sex. 

i told him about this scene that had been relayed to me a while back....that just kept invading my thoughts...

3 feet of well lubed heavy gauge chain into the pussy along with a remote control vibe.  he has the vibe, we go out for dinner...

so i don't have a sense of 'heavy gauge' except for industrial use.   "heavy" gauge means towing capacity to me...uhmmm?!?  clearly i would need more details on that.  3 feet in length is understandable.

this brings me to last night.  there is a biblical saying... that idle hands are the devil's playthings....

so i've tried this chain thing before (read years ago), but the chain wasn't lovingly prepared (read deburred, lapped, polished) and so the event ended before it really started.  a couple nips to my tender pussy skin was enough to put a halt to the whole thing.

i needed a chain substitute... eureka!! an old day collar - a gorgeous silver tiffany chain.  a classic...and i happen to have another similar length when joined...33 inches.  relative link gauge to 'heavy'??  not sure yet....

i assembled the final ingredients - heavy thick lube and a vibe - supposed to be remote, but I thought screw it, turn it on and go with it.

i liked it.  there was the feeling of weight inside...the vibe was a nice touch. i walked around and felt the movement within.   i did some kegels and tried to feel the sensations in different areas.  i got out my hitachi and buzzed my clit and had a few o's.  this morning there is a slight sense of stretch in one location.

i think i'll do some research on chain gauges now.

11/23/2014 8:39:16 AM
she is broken because she believed

when safety is missing, there is, that's giving nothing a bad name. nothing implies a neutral or non-event.

rather, when safety is missing...destruction reigns...body, mind and soul. sometimes you destruct slowly and sometimes very quickly. or a combination of both..... a slow disintegration followed by a final knockdown punch.

a very clever man told me that what i'm talking about is trust. and he's right, it's about trust. but with safety, i relate it directly to my physical state, the state of my mind, the wellness of my soul. i feel wounds physically, emotionally and soulfully. those wounds make me wary for my safety. i am an insignificant primal being. i act from survival instincts. trust is abstract and complex. safety is primal and understood. i get poked with a stick - it hurts, i defend/retreat. it's simple.

i jump off the ledge, i will be caught. i dive into the deepest water, i will surface. i submit, i will be safe.

when i feel safe, i flourish. i am nourished. my feet don't touch the ground...well even more than usual.

i recall when i broke the trust, made the situation unsafe for Him. it was truly awful. i remain remorseful to this day. it represents my largest mistake, ever. it is my only life regret. recovery? does anyone succeed?

i want to be back there, in my safe place, trusting deep.

11/16/2014 8:08:21 AM
i used to tie my barbie dolls up when i was 6. i thought they looked so pretty - their flesh coloured plastic skin criss crossed with cord.

i imagined how secure and safe they felt, all bundled up.

i wanted to be them.

11/8/2014 4:51:17 PM
my toys were scattered in different bags and boxes. it was becoming annoying, some were still new in boxes (pink cherry had a kick as sale this summer), i couldn't find things, there was general disarray.

first thing was to consolidate them. i had to run out to the car. mr black had gotten loose and was rolling around in the trunk. he's such a frisky fellow. so nice that excellent quality silicone washes up so nicely.

there seem to be at least 5 categories:

insertables (non powered)
lubes, oils, candles, miscellaneous

i'm very happy with my selection of vibes: the magic wand of course, some lelo, thrill, ohmibod club and bluemotion. everything except for the wand and the thrill are remote controlled...but i find that a little gimmicky. perhaps someone will come along and convince me otherwise....i find that they are fine vibes and use them all the time, just don't use the remote feature.

i'm good with my insertables too. mr black is the bravest general. the rim raider his trusted captain. i only have one njoy toy - i can't remember the name, but gosh or perhaps gush, they are so awesome for g-spot. there's a more modest butt plug for a less vigorous session. luna beads. anal beads. i think what's missing from here is something glass and a horsey &/or rabbit tail anal plug.

the restraint category is underrepresented. there are some lovely lelo suede and silk ties, vintage japanese obi ties (from when i used to live there a life time ago), bondage tape, an eye pillow. so it is definitely the gentle restraint collection not the extreme one. i will work on that. what i will buy next is my own leather cuffs. i have worn others but i want my own. my wrists are very tiny and i want them to be proportional for me. i always feel like i'm wearing guys cuffs. it would be nice if they could be used for both suspension and non-suspension.

impact, i only have 3 items - a flogger, a bamboo rod and a crop, but isn't the world just filled with potential impact objects? and truly there is nothing better than your hand or his hand. whatever the case may be.

except for my super handy toys in the drawer next to me, all fits nicely into a steel case and a small leather backpack.

well for now.......


11/6/2014 11:33:14 PM
people ask me about my profile name --> chaosattractor....

years ago i choose a hotmail account name that included chaos, it felt natural, it reflected me, i felt it, i was it, i had it all around me. i have since researched and been taught by very clever people about these things. my science understanding remains fuzzy but i am somehow fully connected to the concept at a cellular (and i don't mean cell phone) level.

Here's a simple, concise version that makes a consciousness comparison at the end. i hope you enjoy it and get something about me from it.

Although known as the four "chaos attractors," they are really the opposite - they are Cosmos Attractors that balance chaos.

The four "Attractors" bring order out of Chaos.

They are part of a basic law of four - a "fractal of four." The Universe has a fundamental pattern of fourfoldness throughout all scales of magnitude.

When applied to Nature, including Man, the Law of Four manifests as the four attractors. These attractors balance entropy, providing order from out of chaos.

When applied in the microcosmic level "the four" manifests as the four basic energies or forces:
and the strong and weak forces.

In human consciousness its the four functions of sensing, thinking, feeling and willing.

Understanding how the Attractors work in the meso-cosmic world can help us make sense of our world, and make sense of our consciousness functions.

something fires in my chest when i read this......

11/2/2014 3:56:01 PM
temporary insanity

i haven't posted in some time. that's got to change. lots of things are going to change.

for the better.

much better.

7/17/2014 8:31:01 PM

i wear a collar. i'm not currently 'collared' but i wear a collar.

it's my collar to me.  without a master i am still a slave.  it must be - you are still a master when you don't own a slave.  yes?  so for now, i belong to me.  i am my own master.  i guess you could say i'm not a traditionalist.  and i think that this makes me a lesbian as well.  i think...

i look forward to taking my collar off.  have it replaced with his.  someday.  i don't dare think about that feeling a is most distracting both pleasantly and unpleasantly....

for now, i continue as if he is silently observing me.  each move i make i make to honour him.

i hope that someday he will notice me, acknowledge me, recognize my potential, my commitment.  that my collar will signify my intent, the possibilities i want to create with my surrender.

i can't imagine ever not wearing a collar.

it's my collar.

7/13/2014 11:00:26 PM
back to work

just a quick note as we move our minds to the work week ahead....

that woman in the blouse and skirt from finance you just spoke to about the stats....well....she was just at her desk.......... taking naughty photos of herself............

5 days till the weekend.


ps:  i got a hold of one of those photos she was taking, see my photos...

7/8/2014 11:20:35 PM

my pale skin shows blue veins

and bruises

omg i love lifting my skirt at work, while seated at my workstation and peeking at my decorations.

hmmmm, the memory of being used, feelings from my cunt rise up  - little mini cums.  please don't let a gasp escape i say in my head - i'm at work.  it's my nature though....

ugh, in the summer it is too hot to dress for coverage.  lucky a certain percentage of bruising can be put down to my own lack of grace in my environment.

i lift my skirt higher up my thigh.  i'm so glad our raised floors squeak and warn me of co-workers approaching.  i want to see the bruises deep between my thighs.  they seem to make my day dream mini cums more intense.  why i am driving myself crazy with this?  i put my skirt down and straighten up.

i had requested no marks from knee down and i see only veins.  this one is a keeper.  he is beastly but not without regard.  i recall the ease at which sir escaped my lips with gratitude and desire.  i remember failing to keep my legs open and expect that thigh cuffs will be solving that in the future.  the crop will not miss its mark then...

my hands leave my thighs and travel to my throat.  he was here too but there are no decorations to show for it.  i remember him being concerned at the time and asking me about it.  i urged him on, saying i could wear a scarf, a classic look.  i asked him please.  he obliged without further hesitation. it made me squirt.  he is so big and strong.  like i said, a keeper.  i was requested to come back the next day.

he examined me the next day and remarked at my array.  pale skin, blue veins, bruises sir.   he remarked that hot baths are beneficial.  he asked if he was the sole contributor.  he was.  he seemed pleased.  his thumbs found their way back to their crevices on my body and the pressure created mini shocks and then dull ache.  a usual place to have decorations sir, i say, my handles....he nods and motions that i am to open my legs.

omg i'm still at work.

6/14/2014 9:41:17 PM

readers warning:  in any open discussion about ass, there will be mention of poo.  i don't mean poo as a fetish.  if you are one of those that believe that the only thing that comes out of ass is my little ponies, please stop reading now and click here:

this writing is about the bottom end:  arse, ass, badonkadon, behind, booty, buns, butt, caboose, can, dookie maker, duff, fanny, horse's petute, junk in the trunk, keister, moneymaker, patootie, pooper, rear, rump, tooshy, tuckus, tush, whoopie cakes.  whatever, your choosing, i'm sure there's a lot more terms out there.

my earliest recollection of ass related pleasure was as a child.  when i needed to have a bowel movement, i wouldn't.  i would clench up and keep it in.  it felt good - the pressure, the fullness.  i would start to sweat, i had to concentrate not to let it go.  i would sink down onto my knees and allow my ass crack to sink onto one heel.  counter-pressure to the outgoing pressure.

i always lost that battle.   eventually, it had to come out.  when it did, that felt good too.  so the whole thing was win-win as far as i was concerned.  i don't remember when i stopped doing that.  i mean i did stop doing that, but i just don't remember at which age.  :>

that would be the extent of my ass play until my gorgeous 1st sexual partner/bf with a 17 year old monster dick was pounding my cunt from behind and i moved, he missed.  i remember that Heavy Metal was playing on the television.  i remember the sound that i released as his dick bounced against my tight anus.  i remember the sound he made as his dick bent over.  i remember collapsing to the floor.  i remember him collapsing on the floor.  for years later, i would have an anxiety moment when presenting my ass.

there was blood.  there was tears.  there was a bruised dick.  we all lived.  Heavy Metal is still a terrible movie.

a couple years later, this redneck friend of mine from further up north, tried to talk me into having anal - it's a good idea, he said.  i didn't agree.  the session didn't last long, i don't think you could have gotten a pin into my ass that night.

.....finally the golden era.  a solid experienced partner meshing perfectly with my curiosity, developed kinkiness and willingness.  hmmm, yum.

i do like to enema beforehand.  it is my practice to ask him if he will be helping or if he needs me to arrive prepared.  this is an interesting first time conversation.  i assure you there is no judgement of those that don't assist or supervise or whatever extent that they do or don't participate but i must admit that how the conversation is approached is very telling to me.

mishaps happen.  if there isn't a playful pragmatic attitude, then it's just no fun.  i won't be shamed for what is natural.  code name = touch up.  it's also a good time to take a breather and assess progress.

on the best nights, there is no thought given to what might happen, only to what is happening. my body cooperates, my ass is hungry for filling.  the pleasure is overwhelming.

i think generally i start out a fairly greedy needy and get progressively more greedy needy.  generally i like to be slowly subdued.  first i start out athletically, perhaps presenting my ass and asking for a good pounding while on all fours with great conviction for my ability to resist against his hard strokes.  if the lube is working good - not too thick and viscous and not too thin that it disappears with a couple in/outs - then losing yourself in it is mandatory.

i am directed, ass up, head down.  it gets harder to keep my ass up.  he is smashing into me without mercy.  i whimper and moan.  sensations inside and outside the ass.  his fingers find my pussy.  of course, i am his toy. my tush reddens under acknowledgements of his approval.  finally i collapse onto my stomach.

he is ready for me to go and deftly falls with me, ensuring constant contact between his cock and my ass.  but when we hit the bed, he is forced into me harder and farther.  making me adore him more, purr more and wiggle more.

once pinned sprawling on the bed, there is little to do but wiggle.  he has subdued me. besides i really don't want to lose his cock.  i'm not really trying to get away.  i'm actually trying to meet him the best i can.

we settle into a solid boning of my ass.  i cum so many times.  it really is cool being a woman.  i gasp and moan, he turns me from my stomach to my side, my leg held high so he can go deep.  its all so effortless now, just like he was fucking my pussy.  and i am purring.

a lot.

i can't think of a better way to please him.


6/14/2014 8:18:53 PM

happy world naked bike ride day from vancouver, canada - i missed it this year...!!!

i can only imagine how erect my nipples would have been on this chilly, rainy vancouver day....


6/2/2014 8:31:34 PM

fisting ii


i'm not sure how to start this.  this isn't a clinical paper.  its personal.

how about my first time?  okay.

i was with two trusted and steadfast guys, although this was their first meeting.  they each had magnificent cocks, one long and average girth, the other long and of above average girth. i had been very interested to bring them together to double team me for some time.  they did such a good job separately, i knew they would be fabulous together.  it helps when they are slightly competitive and i like it too.  just as long as they understand the reason they are there, for me.  today they are my pussy+ slaves.....check enough of your ego at the door so that you don't go all asshole on me.  i'll reward you handsomely for your efforts, never fear.

we got a pretty good cycle going of having my pussy eaten, cock sucking, pussy fucking, anal, fingers, cocks.  i cum a lot so, the air was getting warm and smelled like cunt, the guys were slaving  poor them.

i was pretty wound up and bouncing cowboy on girthy guy.  he was laying on one of those low padded benches that was the perfect height so that i could straddle him and have my feet solidly on the ground.  long dong comes up behind and takes my ass and i'm in dp heaven.   because i was straddling and still standing i got to fuck them both back.  i was stoked.  apparently a little much.  after a bit, the guys had to slow/shut it down so they didn't lose their loads. 

no matter, they knew their places.  as they threw me off their dicks and i was standing there on my feet, a couple fingers slide into me.  i still had the urge to fuck back.  he had strong arms and fucked me back.  i continued to fuck his fingers, he put another in and then 4.    i couldn't contain myself any longer.  i lowered myself squarely and violently onto those 4 fingers and instead buried his hand wrist deep in my cunt.  like doing a deep knee squat onto his hand.  the pressure was enormous.  he didn't have small hands.  i froze a moment, locked eyes with girthy guy, he looked like - i'm not even sure how to describe it.   i smiled and gave a giggle, i looked behind me at long dong who had been on his breather, but now sitting at attention on the floor beneath my ass, intently staring at my cunt lips spread around girthy guy's hand.  the pressure was still enormous, and all this happened in seconds.  but in super slow motion.  you know what i mean.

i tentatively gave my hips a wiggle. omg it felt so good.  but the pressure was enormous.  i asked girthy guy to try to arrange his fingers differently, curl them in.  he did, the pressure was manageable.  i pumped myself a little on him. it felt good.  i got a little wound up again - seems to be a thing with me - and girthy guy had to call it a wrap.  there was a bit of both physical and mental exhaustion going on.  he was overwhelmed.

long dong was hoping to get his turn, but the moment was over and i needed to do some processing too.  it felt very very good.  but there was something.  not something wrong, but something perplexing, something wonderful.  something i couldn't articulate.  something my mind couldn't gel together.

our play session continued on with the normal fare and everyone settled into the hot and sweaty again.  but i couldn't help but feel though how everyone was just a little preoccupied with earlier.  we didn't talk about it as a 3some, but i broke it down with each of them separately.  everyone was pretty blown away.

the picture in my profile of me being fisted was the 2nd time.  my partner there was very very expert and it was just an absolutely amazing experience.  the whole afternoon on the beach will never be forgotten.  i realized that day what i couldn't articulate or even solidify in my brain the first time - what i was feeling was immense excitement at being so in touch with my body and mind that the cerebral and the physical just merged.  to say it was out of body would be to short change the incredible physical component and cumming i did, but to say that it was only physical would be to shortchange the whole mindfuck that i had going on.

there are a few other things that i could say about this subject, but i'm going to stop there.  since these 2 times, there have been others, some better than others and definitely lots of refinement in what i like.  however, what does persist is that feeling of wonder at the human body and mind and the interaction between the two.

5/31/2014 1:52:31 AM

sounds i like

gone through streaming
his vehicle in the driveway
boots across the floor
a belt buckle opening
bare feet against the wood
water falling in the shower
wine pouring into glasses
zigzag white twisting crisply
his voice close to my ear
the bed sighs under his weigh
the flint scraping in the lighter
the intake of breath
a small contained fire
the releasing of demons during exhale
the scrape of the toy drawer opening
discordant jingle as cuffs are tossed onto the bed
the click of locks locking
chains rattling
his instructions delivered sternly
leather slapped against my skin
moans escaping my throat
his encouragement and recognition
my breathing as he gets under my skin

5/29/2014 9:57:32 AM



i am here.  trying to be patient.  and hopeful.  optimistic.


i do not belong.  it hurts so bad.  there is no satisfaction.


i am free floating.  without form.  without purpose.


where are you?

5/22/2014 9:26:39 PM



okay, i used the above word in my steak journal and in the title says DEIONS instead of the word above.  i tried to edit it several times, but the edit just doesn't stick.  i thought - this is strange.


then i noticed in an email where another person used that word above and it came to me as DEIONS.


strange hey.


tell you what, you write me a note with the word D E S C R I P T I O N S  in it - not spaced, just regular spacing.  i will reply and you will see your original note with the word and it will be DEIONS.


it is just so strange.  i wrote collarme about it.  no reply yet.

5/21/2014 4:16:16 PM



i got my first fisting experience with a very experienced person.  i feel so incredibly thankful and fortunate for that.


we were well appointed at a hotel downtown and the mood was festive.  it is such a pleasure to be around like minded people.  his toy bag bulged.  i was to learn why.


firstly, i've never seen a larger dildo in my entire life.  not before then, not since.  ever.  i felt unsure of what it was at first.  this amongst, one of the more impressive collection of prostrate tickler toys i've ever seen.  i suppose at this point i should have felt alarmed/panicked/like fleeing?  actually it all made me howl with laughter.  i was exhilarated.


unfortunately, i had really long fingernails that night (unusual for me), so we had to doctor up some protective coverings for them.  that was my least favorite part of the evening.  it took a while and it added another layer between me and the glove and the flesh.  and if you are thinking poor planning on my part - oh no, this was an unplanned activity during a planned evening after some time, energy and lots of other assorted activities...


ok, now at this point, some of you are thinking huh?  what the fuck is she talking about?  were you expecting that i was going to be talking about fisting from the point of view of me as the receiver?  oops!  that's FISTING II....this is FISTING I.


i urge you -- turn back now if this isn't for you, my little(ish) hands are all gloved up now....

what an amazing gift i was given.  to be trusted thusly.  it wasn't as if we didn't have history, we just didn't have history with me as the giver for this activity.   being an expert (at both giving and rec'ing), he instructed me eloquently, i listened carefully and asked many questions - checked in a tonne.  it was very connected communication in all ways.  i did my best to make it as sensual as i could with my mind being blown.

i am told that i sport a disconcerting impish grin during play.  doesn't everyone?  i could feel myself grinning this evening.  his ass swallowed up those toys one by one.  he called the plays, i executed them.  we were an awesome team.  go team anal!!  however, the pièce de résistance truly was his manbud closed around my wrist.  now i get why guys have that dopey look on their faces after their hand slips into me.

at this point, since all those non-rec'ing anal guys left - after the warning above, i'm just going to say - for god's sake, quit fucking acting violated about the insertion of a single finger, you shit out bigger turds.  it's obviously physically feasible to insert a single finger.  sheesh!!

i digress.  back to my story of the evening. he then fisted me at the same time i fisted him.  but we have no photos because no one could reach the camera.  it was like being in some demented twister game.

now that's poor planning.


5/17/2014 5:17:29 PM



i have been around lots of hummingbirds lately.  the location of my friend's cabin seems to quite attract them.  of course he feeds them that terrible sugar water solution so i guess its rather like the corner 7-11 store dispensing slurpies to the masses.


i've always admired these birds.  their agile flying abilities, the slight smirk/smile on their 'faces' making them seem friendly/impish, the sound of their wings beating at impossible speeds.  i visited a hummingbird sanctuary once in costa rica way back in the early '90's and it was pretty cool.  you have to just trust that they would miss you, the sound was so loud you couldn't talk.  i won't forget that.


this mornings scene was no different.    although the feeder was empty - did that make them edgy?  scarce resources?  hmm. i watched and listened as they flitted about.


suddenly two birds entered the awning area that i was sitting under.  not 4 feet away from my face, i watched the larger bird, break the wing of the smaller bird and quickly force it downward to the ground.  the dominant bird gave the smaller bird a final shove and flitted away.  the wounded bird fluttered the last 12 inches to the ground and landed with a dull thud.  its good wing still flapping, the broken one spasming, out of synch.  his little head drooped.  more flutters, but mercifully quite quick from start to end.


submission hummingbird was no more.


it gave me lots to think about.



5/14/2014 6:13:11 PM



i'm off to the theatre this evening.


my theatre going buddy has a mohawk hair cut.  not one of those silly long sugared spikes, but the aging punks type.  i've known him since we were 19/20.


we watch all types of theatre, but these evenings where all the advanced gray haired patrons are out on the town, are some of my favorites.  certainly not for the play - far to conservative for my tastes.  but for the gray hairs.  our aisle mates are always wide eyed as we approach.  me dressed up - heels, dresses, etc.  very womanly.  him - mohawk and short pants ala angus. 


he is the kindest, generous, friendliest dude.  he has great respect and reverence for elders (complex with the punk sentiment) and is unfailingly polite.  they are soon won over, and in fact, likely go home and talk about their meeting of this character.


my best friend.


always.  i love you r.




5/13/2014 7:14:48 AM

at work


i wonder how many people touch themselves at work?  not necessarily to the point of full geyser, but just play with themselves here and there, now and again.


i do.    i mean of course over time i have also been directed to.  but essentially, it really isn't a directive because i was going to do it anyway.


i am especially fond of smelling my pussy in my workplace bathroom.  slip into the stall and pull down my panties (yes panties, i'll talk about that in another post).  now some of you are going to take this next statement the wrong way but whatever.  so i pull down my panties and the smell of pussy starts to fill the air.


the aroma wafts up between my thighs, i duck my face down to be closer, to get the full concentration before the earthy scent starts to disperse.  i haven't pissed yet, so my full bladder is creating a pleasant tension elsewhere.


i separate my knees wider.  my generous labia - crinkled and crushed within my panties - start to relax.  i reach my fingers between them and insert 2 fingers deep into my cunt.


a slow smile starts on my face.  i draw my fingers out and hold them to my nose.  a deep breath.  a remembering.  i then suck my fingers clean and plunge them deep in my cunt again.  and again, smell and then taste.  and then remember.


on a good day, there is a load of his cum deep inside me.  my standing request/wish of him to please inject me with his seed each and every work morning that i leave his bed.


i smell him between my thighs too.  i shudder involuntarily.  a sharp intake of breath.  i hush and realize i have no idea whether or not i am alone.  i listen....all is clear.  i shove his cum up into me deeper.  i want it there as long as possible throughout my day.


i slap my clit a few times and laugh out loud.  i let go a hot stream of piss with a smile on my face.


i tidy myself and glance at myself in the full length mirror we're blessed/cursed with.  high heels, stockings, sweaterdress, collar/necklace, bright smile, happy eyes.


my secret.






5/8/2014 9:37:59 PM

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when i watch, i relive it, i can almost smell it, but mostly my hormone messed up body feels it so intensely.  it's like it's happening again.


sometimes, depends, depends, i can cum watching it, reliving it.  it doesn't need to be physical to be real, the mind makes it real.  hmmmm.


again i say, fuck is it good to have homemade hardcore XXX

5/7/2014 6:19:41 PM



i'd be pleased to receive journal entry theme ideas from the peanut gallery.  no idea too stupid, but no guarantees that i'll write on that topic.


i need to jot down these topics while i still think of them






ok, its an absolutely beautiful evening here in the pacific northwest.  my vintage bike club meets tonight for a roll through the city.  so time to bike off into the sunset.  the cool ocean air is so fresh and fragrant.  hmmmm, like my cunt.


i wonder if you hold your ear up to my cunt, if you can hear the ocean?  oops nope.....that was just my g-spot cum....sorry about the splash zone.




5/6/2014 2:40:47 PM



i need to assert my depravities.  i've concluded it is a need.


if you are a dom and trying to connect with me and i can't climb on your face and fuck it or strut around with my strap on then, hoist one of your cuffed ankles vertically up onto the ceiling anchor and soundly fuck your exposed ass, then how do i assert such depravities?


if you are a dom trying to connect with me, we need to figure that out.


i tried to squash my dom side, but its there.  just like any dom, it isn't acted or pretend -  it just is.


my joy at the sound of the leather against his buttocks.  my joy at the sound of his man whimpers as i thrust deeper. my joy as i relieve myself on his chest and groin and face as he struggles without conviction against his restraints.


some doms say, you may take a woman.  hello?  what if i told you to take a man.  doesn't work does it?  ridiculous even to utter.  not that i wouldn't take a woman, but that's a whole other conversation.


i love my pussyslave(s) like you love me as your slave.  why is the concept so difficult?  is my duality respected like i respect you as dom?


is it a complex matter or really just one of tolerance, acceptance and respect?


my tits and ass may be your cup of tea - but in reality my mind might be a cup of something less suited to your tastes.


earl grey?  roobios?  peppermint? darjeeling?  macha?



5/6/2014 12:11:05 AM

some questions i get asked:


am i a woman

do i do anal

have i been with a woman

do i know what i want

how long in the lifestyle

why did my last relationship fail

have i been with more than one guy

am i asian

do i smoke

what's the most extreme thing i've ever done

what's my deepest fantasy

do i like younger guys

what am i looking for

do i like anal

what am i into

have i ever had a chain stuffed up my ass

will i shit on you

will i fuck your dog

do i foot worship

what's my experience with cbt

do i like my nipples sucked

am i lactating

have i ever been caned

have i ever been single tail whipped

how am i with marks

am i obedient

am i okay with being whored out to pay for my own boob job that you want


i think i'm missing some.  i'll continue another time.


5/2/2014 7:18:11 PM

1000 bee stings


today was treatment 7 of 7.  1 year worth of laser hair removal treatments at 8 week intervals.  done....for now.


i gotta tell you i love love love the results.  and love love love that the treatment is done now - in time for the summer!


the first 3 treatments were the most dramatic.  i am fair skinned and dark-ish hair.  the combo of fair skin and dark hair is the combination that this technology is most effective with.  not to say that the technology hasn't been tweaked to deal with other combos.  all the hair comes out each time, so initially it is like a really deep waxing.  then over the course of the 8 weeks it starts to grow in.  each treatment, more hair is killed and less comes in.


As the darker, coarser hair is killed (first), the fuzz remains.  that fuzz really hurts to treat.  the laser has to be turned up really high.  at this time i'd like to thank all my former sadistic masters for providing resiliency training for these treatments.  mina, my technician for the year, couldn't believe my thresholds and in fact, i kept falling asleep, i found it to be completely relaxing.


well, except for around the butthole.  now, i like anal.  cum like crazy (if he knows what he's doing), so i'm no nervous nellie.  however, the laser around my butthole.  omg!  i think i cracked my back molars biting down. each individual hair seemed to revolt strenuously to its attack.


this got me to thinking about tattoos around your butthole.  i mean, omg, no!  i couldn't do it. - ok i digress.  this is about laser hair removal.  excuse my ADD moment.


i also made a decision today to have for this last session, a soul patch left on - there's probably a better word for it.  size of a dollar - silver dollar for my US neighbours. or rather neighbors.  its very light coloured and a little thin, but i thought i would see if i liked the esthetic.


of course you have to let it all hang out there when getting a brazilian, made me wonder why i didn't get a guy technician.  i mean i love happy ending massages (oh yes, women get them too, we just don't have to pay...) so what better reward after 1000 bee stings than a beefy technician with a boner?




5/1/2014 10:21:16 PM

My Dinner








i truly could have steak and vegetables all the time for dinner.  it never gets boring.  each steak has its own flavour and texture and size.  cooking steaks can be tricky.  how high should the heat be?  how long?  flip once?  flip many?  the squeeze?  etc. etc.  Seasoning is diverse, i find myself grabbing the garam masala and coconut.  who would have thunk it  ;?




Sitting down at the table, you look down and wonder - ack!? is it cooked just perfect? please.  seasoned just perfect?  please. 




tonight it is perfect medium rare!  and spicy!  the knife cuts through without difficulty.  hmm, everything is just right in my world.  oh, yah, the veggies are pretty good too.  the dog waits at my feet with a tenacity that puts to shame all you slaves out there.  i make him wait until i'm finished and then offer him his share.  its spicy he keeps licking his snout.  opps.




i think i like my guys like my steaks.  medium rare.  primal and unique but not too bleeding edge...










4/30/2014 8:16:13 AM

I seem to get a lot of the same questions regarding my physical person.  Hopefully this helps:


  • I'm 5'4" 132 lbs chubby for me right now - like to be around 125 and I will be by june
  • 34c breasts round ass
  • my hair is very short and spiky blonde highlighted green eyes fine facial features and long thin neck
  • when I smile people smile back
  • I am terribly near sighted and wear contacts and becoming terribly far sighted and now have to wear reading glasses of which I have 6 pairs and they are always lost
  • i am fussy about my nails and have them professionally done each month
  • I have many scars but none on my face, although my ear - it was nearly cut off- scar can be seen now that my hair is so short
  • I have had laser hair removal in my legs Pitts and full Brazilian which means all dark coarse hair is gone and all that remains is a soft light fuzz which is easily shaved off or left - his choice
  • I am always squirming in my chair and constantly wiggle about in bed

4/29/2014 7:03:28 PM

i felt very emotional this morning and grieved some losses and injustices that i have experienced as of late.  hot tears flowed down my cheeks, into my oatmeal, through my freshly applied moisturizer and makeup, onto my new sweater and finally into my lap as i drove to work.  it was then time to put it away.


it wasn't that loud gulping crying that so distresses those around you, but simply tears - sad tears one moment, indignant angry tears the next, silently flowing.


it felt good.




but i could seriously do with a cuddle.

4/28/2014 6:33:23 PM

well, quite a welcoming here on  is there a fresh meat section that my profile is unwittingly appearing under?


all kidding aside, it is very reassuring that old fashioned horn dogs are found in each and every sub culture.  in a world where there can sometimes little to believe in (beyond oneself that is) - the primal urge to fuck prevails and so do those horn dogs.


all this has forced me to get my skype back working.  and voila - mission accomplished.


for now i beg your patience as i send out one liners.  as my interest is piqued my line count increases in replies.  its a slow iterative process...





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