addictedtoo

Female Submissive, 21, zelienople, Pennsylvania

Female Dominant, 38, Stockholm

Male Submissive, 29, Syracuse, New York

In chats with other people and in real life, I am finding that there's a lot of miscommunication and misunderstanding, and that's causing a lot of problems for me right now. I think it's best that I just set the record straight up front about who I am, and what I desire and need. Since I really have no idea where you are in understanding some things, I'm going to go over some basics, give you some definitions, and talk about where this fits in for me.       Definition: BDSM   The word BDSM is a combination of 3 acronyms, BD for Bondage Discipline, DS for Domination and Submission and SM for Sado Masochistim. People who share this lifestyle believe in having a relationship where one of the people (by mutually agreed upon consent) is in a position of power or domination over the other. Many do this through bondage discipline (BD) and/or Sado masochistim (SM).       My interest in BDSM:I am not into BDSM, the entire spectrum. What I am into, however, is D/s. It is commonly typed with a capital D and a lowercase s -- D/s -- to indicate the power exchange. There are those who desire to surrender themselves and there are those who desire to take control of another. The person surrendering control is the sub. The person taking control is the Dom. These are psychological aspects of play. At this level, physical contact isn't even necessary. It's all mental, how the two people see themselves in the power dynamic. There are basic elements in the dynamic -- control, training, respect.       Control:   The essential component is the knowledge that the Dom has control over the sub. Often and in sexual play this means deciding what that person will hear, do, taste, touch, smell and feel. For me, in the relationship I am seeking, I focus on the mental or psychological control of the woman. Not just to control her body or orgasms, but control her thoughts, her feelings, her reactions. I need her to feel that control. I need to her to live within it, to feel happy, secure and safe.       Training:   Often punishment or restraint is involved as part of the training and the reminder of who is control. We'll talk more about this later.       Respect:   The sub has to respect and honor the Dom for this to work, since it is mostly a mental submission on her part.  She needs to have the desire to please, and she has to be able to respect the Dom enough to turn over the control. Respect is closely connected with trust, too. Can she trust Him to care for her, both emotionally and during physical play? Can she trust that He has the wisdom and experience to use His control responsibly and stay within the limits they have set?       This is the very basis of a D/s relationship. It's not always a master/slave relationship, but rather an agreed upon partnership, with defined roles.       At this point, I need to get a bit more specific. My D/s relationship must be a sensual D/s relationship, or SD/s.  This is the part that falls into the training component. Training is used to get her into the mindset she requires to be happy and content. Training is used to establish the power exchange, to provide her with an opportunity to submit, to surrender control. In more traditional D/s, many couples incorporate the BD bondage discipline, and the SM sado masochism. In SD/s, some of this can be incorporated, but in a gentle, sensual manner. I'm not into  beating or abuse, which is what many think of when they think of BDSM.       Bondage? Don't think metal cuffs and chains. How about fur lined leather cuffs, silk ropes instead? Think soft blindfolds.       Discipline? Don't think whips and floggers. A loving smack on the ass or even a reprimand should be enough to show her she displeased me or strayed from training.       SM torture? Think gentle. I love to tease and torture, in a sensual manner. I can bring you to your knees, begging, using just a feather. You can have me squirming and begging, using just Your words. Some pain can be very pleasurable, especially on her nipples.       When this SD/s union is established, it is a very powerful and intimate relationship. Think of a connection at the soul level. Think of the rush of first love and passion, tempered with the wisdom of sexual experience, of knowing your partner's heart, mind and soul. The establishment of this relationship is not instant -- it takes time to see the integrity of both partners, to build trust and empathy. To build love, a deep soul shattering love.   So where do the kinks and fetishes come in? In many SD/s relationships, vanilla sex, or conventional heterosexual sex, is the only type of sex practiced.  And even that offers a certain amount of opportunity for control. Me on top of you, you looking deep into myeyes, me using the feedback to control your reactions to my lovemaking, that's an aspect of SD/s. It's about me knowing you need to feel me controlling you, for you to feel happy, safe and secure.       But just like in other traditional relationships, kinks have their place, if they are enjoyed by both. I have a whole list of kinks I enjoy, and an even bigger list I would enjoy exploring as part of your desire to please, to submit to your Dom. If the trust and love is there, there's nothing (well, within a few limits) I wouldn't try in an effort to please You.       Many "normal" relationships use the kinks. A SD/s relationship oftens uses them as a way for the Dom to assert his control over his sub, knowing she needs to feel that control to be happy and safe. For example, you may not necessarily like having things shoved in your ass on a day to day basis. But if I were to stand over you with a butt plug in hand, and I tell you that I need you to take it, I need for you to show me that you wish to please me and submit, you reach for the lube yourself.       At a core level, it's an essential for me to experience you giving up of control. We could love each other deeply for the rest of our lives, have mind and soul shattering sex dozens of times daily....but if the control and submission is not there for you, there's still an empty feeling.

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