my sister felt her baby kick today!!  How exciting :)  i wish i could be there to go through all of this with her.  She called the other night, and she is just so depressed, because our other sister, who is there with her, is not supportive at all.  i don't know what the deal is really.  Both of my sisters have always been a little self-centered, but we have always been there for one another. 

i really didn't do too much today.  i watched the Cubs lose :(  and i cross stitched.  That was about it, to be honest.  i did start another "True Blood" book.  i LOVE the books and the show.  i'm re-reading my books, because the newest one just came out, and i'm kinda anal that way.

So, are there any new Daddys out there?  i feel like i've gone through all the ones that are close by.  When i say gone through, i haven't talked with them all, but i have messaged some, and the others don't seem like a match for me.  Yeah, i feel like i've gone through all of them, and it's frustrating.   BUT....i will not stop til i find my Daddy!!

Hasta!

addison

In a sing song voice:  i am on summer vacation...i am on summer vacation!!  YAY!  It's finally here!  And. It's. Raining.  At least the rain will cool things off, and it will not rain all summer; this i know!  Just kind of a let down.  i did get to sleep in a little; although, i'm still on that internal clock that woke me up at my normal schoolyear time.  Like the rain, that will soon vanish, i'm thinking.

Yesterday, one of my best friends told me that her husband is filing for divorce.  They've been married for two years.  It came as no big shocker, honestly.  She was married before, got divorced, and within a year she was married again to this guy.  She has a really low self esteem, but she is so smart, and she is very beautiful.  She has a lot going for her; i just wish she would slow down and find the right person for her instead of just settling because she doesn't want to be alone.

i mean, i know how it is.  i was engaged at one point and time, but i think i made the right decision.  i felt like he and i were both settling because we didn't want to be alone, and we were so anxious to be with somebody, that we didn't take the time to really get to know one another.  Yet, i broke it off...i needed more time.  It was very difficult to do, but i knew that it was the best decision. 

The Cubs won yesterday!  They are on a WINNING streak now!  One game!!  This is part of what summer is for me...watching my Cubbies!

i've been talking to a few different Daddys here on CM.  It's been a difficult search.  Maybe one or two of them are possibilities, but i'm so tired of the men who can't even write a sentence without a spelling mistake.  That is a must for me...You have to at least know how to put a sentence together, people!  Then, there are also the Doms who are just out for getting laid.  I AM NOT!!  BOO!! 

Alright, i think i better get a shower in. 

addison

It was the LAST day of school today!! YAY!!!  Summer vacation is finally here!  It certainly was a hot day for the last day.  We survived, though.  i just have one more work day, and then i'm freeeeeeee!!  "i'm just a summer girl...i wear my flip flops!"

Everything would be perfecto if i had a Daddy.  i've been searching really hard for one, and i've pretty much responded to all the messages i've gotten here.   i don't know...maybe if i just didn't push things, and let them just come naturally.  It's really hard, though, because i know how happy i was with Carey before.  i want that back again!!

So, why did the Cubs suck so bad this weekend?  I was actually MAD!

That's all!

addison

Lonely

Today was one of the scariest days of my life.  Two weeks ago, my mom started taking a new medication, and then this morning, she also started a new one.  On top of that, she has been taking Tylenol with codine, because she has a toothache (being extracted next week). 

She was upstairs brushing her teeth, and i was also upstairs, and i heard her say that she thought she was going to faint.  i went into the bathroom, and she is sitting on the edge of the bathtub.  Her eyes glaze over (never shut), and she starts gasping for breath.  At one time, i thought she even stopped breathing.  i've hollered at my dad to call 911, and he is on the phone with them, all the while she is still gasping for breath and basically unresponsive. 

At the hospital, all kinds of tests are run, i'm trying to text and call my sisters in NC as much as i can with updates.  For about two hours, my mom is pretty out of it, but her stats are normal.  She is now vomitting about every ten minutes or so.  A blood draw reveals an elevated amount of a certain enzyme which can weaken muscles, including the heart, so to make sure, another blood draw is done, and luckily, comes back normal.  The ER doctor tells us that it probably is her new medication and the tylenol with codine. 

By this time, Mom is pretty much back to normal, although weak.  She has stopped vomitting, and the doctor releases her. 

i was so scared.  i know i paniced, and i totally forgot what to do when i thought she had stopped breathing.  i was a mess.  i was crying, and frantic.  i love my mom more than anyone else in this world, and i was so afraid that she was having a seizure of some sort and going to die.    It was horrible. 

i'm just really hoping that she's ok, and that it was just the med interactions. 

addison

i am getting a cold!!  BOOO!!!  my throat really really hurts, and i think i need a Daddy to take care of me.  No...i'll live!  It's definitely better than having the flu!  i would rather have a cold for a month than the flu for a day!

American Idol is over for the year.  i was happy with Scotty winning.  i didn't care for Lauren's personality.  Neither of them were the best singers on the show, and i was pretty much rooting for Haley the entire way, but what can ya do?  LOL

i wonder if the Cubs won tonight.  i know the Cardinals didn't :)  i shouldn't be so smug about it, though, because the odds aren't in the Cubs favor either.

Wow...guess i didn't have much to write about tonight.  OH!!  STILL LOOKING FOR MY DADDY!!! 

addison

In every girl's life, there is a force, a presence, a Daddy, a Dominant she lives and breathes to love and honor. A Top is for tonight, a Dom is for however long they're needed, a Master as long as they seek Mastery, but a Daddy is forever.

i found this quote at http://babygirlsndaddydoms.webs.com/whatisadaddydom.htm

There is some good info there, but i really wanted to remember this quote, so i borrowed it for my journal.

Wow...it's early to be on CM.  i have a few minutes before leaving for work, though, so i thought i'd write a little bit.  Speaking of work...only 10 days left!! This week is our last full week.  Just keep thinking..."i think i can, i think i can!"

Last night, my oldest online friend and i talked. We met clear back in 1995.  He was married at the time, but we still got together (no sex that first time, but lots of kissing).  Since then, we've probably gotten together three or four times.  We even had a 3some with one of his girlfriends.  However,  i haven't talked to him in a few years, i would have to guess, but i was on Yahoo, and he messaged me. 

He has recently broken up with his gf (not the 3some one).  They were together for four years, and she just ended things with no explanation.  Anyway, since he was now single, he was dating again, and he told me that he had a fantasy that he wanted to explore.  We ended up talking on the phone, and he told me that his fantasy is to be fucked in the ass...by a woman or possibly even another guy.  He said that i was the freakiest girl he knew (which is saying a lot!), so he was wondering if i would do it.

He knows that i am submissive, and sometimes i believe that he has sub tendencies himself.   i don't know, if as a sub, i can do something like that to someone.  i mean, yes, i could physically do it, but it doesn't turn me on really at all.  i've had another guy ask me to do that, and i think i just ended up laughing the whole time i was doing it.

i think the idea of two men together is extremely HOT, and personally, i think he should find a guy to fuck him.  Yet, maybe starting out with a girl doing it, even possibly me doing it, would be a good way to start.  i'm not sure. 

i also told him that i wasn't some bootycall anymore.  When we've been together in the past, i have been, fucking anyone who came along.  However, i want more than that now.  With him just out of a relationship, i don't think he's ready to commit to anyone else yet, and honestly, i don't know if i would want a relationship with him anyway.  Even in the past, i've looked at him as just a friend with benefits, never really considering a relationship with him.  On top of that, if he's sub, and i'm sub...not a good combo.

i guess i'll just have to think about it.

OK...i have to get!

addison

i am soooo glad it is the weekend!  Even though i had a day off from work this week, it seemed like it would never end, especially today.  It was Field Day at school today, and we were outside all day with the kids, running around, playing games, and it made for a very tiring day.  i did get to dunk our outreach worker in the dunk tank though!  i also got a bit of a tan, so there was a positive.  i'm just worn out, though.

Tomorrow is supposedly the Rapture.  As a Christian, i believe that the Rapture will happen; i'm not so sure that it's going to be tomorrow, but if it is, then it is.  i don't know why so many people are making a joke out of it, when it could happen...at any given moment. 

The Cubs are sucking bigtime tonight.  i just had to stop watching the game, because it was making me want to scream and throw things at the TV! 

So, i got a new windshield on Tuesday (from storm damage last week).  On Wednesday morning, my dad backs into my car.  GRR!!!  $2000 worth of damage.  It's just a tail light, and a little bit of the side panel is dented and pretty scraped up.  My car is headed back to the shop Wednesday.

Since i am now 40, i have my first mammogram tomorrow.  BLAHH!! 

i guess that's about it really.  i might go back and watch the game in a bit, or i might check out things on FB. 

TTYL!

addison 

Today was a pretty good day.  It didn't start out so wonderful.  i had to go get blood drawn this morning, and since i have thin veins, it was kind of a disaster.  i was poked and prodded, i cried, and i almost passed out.  It wasn't pleasant.

Work was ok.  There were some pleasant surprises, which made me a happy girl.  i also put in an application for a fulltime job some place else.  i'm not too sure about it yet, but it's a step in the right direction.

Glee was on tonight, and it was a really good episode.  i cried...for the second time today!  Geez!

i also have the day off tomorrow!!  YAY ME!!!  So, i am going to stay up late :)  i might contact a few Doms here.  i haven't had much luck.  The people i've talked to either want something totally different than what i am or they are not the smartest of people.  i know i'm not the most intelligent person in the world, but i can at least put a sentence together, and i can at least spell most words.  It so irritates me when others can't.  Does that make me a snob??  i hope not, but even if it does, i really don't care!  Other Doms are interested in meeting RIGHT NOW!  OK, Sirs...here's the thing:  i don't even know You, and You don't even really know me.  Thus, the only reason You want to meet almost instantly is for fucking, and i am not into that!!  i want to get to know You a bit first, and i want to see if we are compatible first before i take that leap. 

Alright, i'm outta here!

addison

Tomorrow is Monday...sighhh.  Monday's always stink.  It's not just that the weekend is over, but that i'm always so tired on Monday's too for some reason.  Tuesday's work so much better for me.  Not many Monday's left of the schoolyear, though, so i think i'll manage.

i didn't do too much this weekend.  It was cold, and it rained most of it.  i stayed inside and read (i'm reading "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo," and it's kinda slow, so i hope it picks up here pretty soon), cross stitched, FB'ed, and watched some tv.  Oh...i masturbated a ton too.  For some reason, i just can't get enough cumming right now.  i'm going through this phase of using my nipple clamps a lot, and so it seems like they are always aching to be touched and played with. 

i also chatted with some people here on CM.  i've had a few Dominants email me, and we have talked a bit, but i just can't seem to clique with any of them.  i wouldn't say that i am desperate to be in a relationship right now, but i've found out that it makes me so happy, and that i feel so complete when i am, that why wouldn't i want to be?  So, i'm searching.  Maybe if i wasn't so "now now now" about it, it would just happen.  Who know. 

i found out that my sister almost had a miscarriage this past week.  It's so odd with her being over a thousand miles away.  It doesn't even seem like she's pregnant.  i'm not excited or thrilled at being an aunt again, and i think it's because it doesn't even seem real to me yet.  i am very happy for her, though,!

OK...i think i'm going to log off CM for the night.  i might watch some Spartacus that i've dloaded.  i LOVE that show!  Sometimes the slavery issues that arise really speak to me.  However, i think it's all the sex in it that i like :)

Have a good one,

addison 

Irrumatio –noun
1. Active participation in fellatio by the male member; aggressive insertion of the penis into a partner's mouth or throat.

i just copied that from a profile i ran across.  i never knew that there was a term for it, but i guess i know it now.  However, if it's active participation, isn't it a verb?  :) 

addison

YAY!! Early out from school today!  However, i had to go over to the autoglass place to make an appointment to get a new windshield.  There was a huge wind/rain storm here yesterday, and as i was driving home from work, something blew up and now i have about a 10 inch crack in the windshield on the passenger side.  It got worse sitting out in the heat of the day, and so i knew i coudn't put it off.  my deductible covers it, so i'm all good.

i am missing my previous Daddy.  Yeah, i miss Him being my Daddy, but i think i'm really just missing Him.  We went from talking everyday to nothing at all.  i don't know if that's what He wants, to never speak to me again, or if He just feels like it's the best thing for both of us.  i wish we could have at least remained friends.  It would probably be hard at times, but aren't all friendships? 

i guess i don't have much to say today.

Hasta,

addison

This past weekend, i was on CM kind of getting the feel for what's out there in the way of DaddyDoms.  One of the great things about being with Carey was that i felt a part of something that really fit me.  He was the type of man i want to be with in the type of relationship i want to be in.  i know that i won't find exactly the same thing out there, but i really got a glimpse into what makes me happy.  i found that type of relationship where the Dom and sub really complete one another.  That is what i am now striving to find. 

It's not easy; i talked to a couple of different men who were totally not for me.  i can't say that they weren't Daddys, because they claim to be, but there were some things that just didn't speak to me or connect with the lil girl in me.   Maybe it's too soon, too.  i made too many comparisons, and these men were sorely lacking.  i'll never have exactly what i had with Carey, so i just have to keep an open mind, i suppose. 

Anyway, i have to cut this short.  i'm heading to dinner and a music program tonight.  It will probably be fun! 

addison

Went and saw the new Fast and the Furious movie tonight with a friend of mine.  It was a really good movie.  I don't know if I could do it in 3D though.  The last chase scene is on a bridge, and they freak me out as it is!  Good movie, though, and really good company.  She and I were really good friends growing up, but haven't really seen too much of each other over the past twenty years or so.  We decided to make an effort, though, and so we did a movie and dinner tonight.

I'm pretty much over the break up with this Daddy I was seeing.  I do wish things had turned out differently, and it bothers me quite a bit that I took a leap of faith in trusting him, and then it turned out crappy, but a Dom friend of mine has really helped me try and keep it all in perspective, and that's what I'm trying to do. 

The weather here was perfect today.  I think spring might be here to stay now!  On top of that, the Cubs got a walk-off win this afternoon.  It was just a good day all around!  YAY!! 

Later people!

addison

my Daddy dumped me for His ex.  There are a lot of things i would love to say, but i'm choosing to be the better person (much better than Him), and so i'll keep my thoughts to myself. 

Yes, i am hurt, and i feel rejected, but i am moving on.  i can't just sit around and pine for someone who doesn't want me.  Obviously, all along i was His second choice, and that hurts too, but i am determined to not let it affect me.  Good luck with that, eh?

On to bigger and better things!  i'm getting my happy on :)

addison

i've just been reading some of the journals on here.  i've also been watching some of the video journals.  They've made me hot and horny!!  And...my Daddy and i cybered a little ealier; that doesn't help the issue!  So, i'm going to go masturbate.  That is all!

addison

Daddy and i had our first disagreement tonight.  i was being overly sensitive, and my feelings were hurt.  It was all over a misunderstanding, and i just jumped to conclusions.  GRRR...bad girl!  Not only did i jump to conclusions, but i pouted, and i was sarcastic to Him over it.  i don't think he caught on to that, but it was wrong of me, and i felt bad after doing it. 

i am still insecure about all of this.  Believe me, it has gotten much better, and i am living each day in the moment now.  i am not thinking about the past, and i am not letting it affect me like i was before.  i don't want all the things those (Daddy calls them fuckers, and i call them bastards) men did or said to me to affect my relationship with Him.  He is not like them.  However, when something like what happened tonight occurs, i get this gut feeling that something is wrong; it's not that it is, but because of past experiences, it's just an immediate reaction.  i have to learn to control that better. 

Plus, i am tired.  There was a huge thunderstorm last night which kept me awake.  my mind was also racing a mile a minute, and i think i even had some sort of panic attack.  Weird.  Anyway, i should have gone to bed an hour ago, but somehow waiting til i'm dead tired works better for me. 

Cubs won today, so they are back at .500.  It was hard being at work and knowing that they were playing!  i did make it home to see the last two innings, but still!

my best friend from DC is going to be in town in a couple of weeks.  i'm really excited to see her!  Plus, i think a bunch of us from high school are just going to hang out a few nights.  Woohooo!! 

OK...i'm going to head to bed.  Maybe i'll watch me some Chelsea Handler for a bit before i fall asleep!

Night!

addison

my sister called me tonight to tell me that she was pregnant.  i was just taken back, and i didn't know really what to say, but i hope i sounded excited for her.  It's just that she isn't married, and the guy she has been seeing is kind of a loser.  They've been seeing each other off and on for about two years, but he just won't commit to any sort of relationship with her and dates other women periodically.  She told me that he is now is counseling, and that is why she took him back this last time. 

So, sometime in November, i will be an aunt again (my other sister has a son).  It is exciting, and i am happy for her if she is happy, but i don't think she is really ready for this.  Granted, she is 34 years old, but i also think she is counting on this guy to come through for her, and honestly, i don't think he will.  Time will tell!

i am seeing my previous Dom tomorrow.  We're getting together for lunch, which we periodically do.  i'm excited to see Him.  He hasn't seemed too happy the last few times we've talked online.  It worries me; He's never really been a happy sort of guy, but it just seems as if He's in some sort of depression.  He knows about my Daddy, and He is happy for me!  He has always wanted what's best for me, and i think He knows that my Daddy is that for me right now.  i did tell my Daddy that i was seeing Him, and He was perfectly ok with it, of course, because He trusts his lil one :)

The Cubs won today!  YIPPPPPPEEE!!!  They came back in the 8th inning down 0-3, and pulled ahead to win it 5-3.  It was a great game!  Sadly...cough cough...the Cardinals lost again, as did the Brewers.  Darn!  LOL!!!

OK...i'm heading to bed, i guess!

L8rz,

addison

Hey,

Just been reading some of these other journals on here.  i've also been watching the video ones.  Now those are interesting!  Holy Moly, people!  i'm not criticizing or anything, but some of those are wayyy out there!  i was watching one about a woman who wanted tributes.  What the heck?  We all want things, and would love for people to just hand them over; it takes a whole lot of nerve to just ask for them though.  C'mon!  Just because You're dominant does not give You the right to ask people to buy or give You things!  So lame!  I wish you could leave comments to these journals though...kind of like Facebook, ya know?  Collarme should get right on that!

i should have been in bed hours ago.  Daddy went to bed, but not me!  i have been on FB playing Zuma, came here and chatted in a room for about 20 min or so, emailed some Dom who used to live around here...until he got a little too personal, and that's about it really.  Kind of a waste of an evening.  However, no work tomorrow, so this lil girl can sleep in if she wants to! 

i'll probably go to the Y tomorrow morning, though.  Then...THEN...Hallelujah!!!  It's OPENING DAY!!  i will be watching my Cubbies!!  Woohoo!!  That, i'm sure, will be the highlight of my day.  i hope they win! 

i don't have much going on this weekend.  i asked Daddy if we could get together for a movie or something, but he might have plans.  He's a busy guy, and i know His family comes first.  i wanna be first!!  LOL...it's ok; i completely understand, but it doesn't mean i still don't want it, right?  i've never ever had that in my life.  Daddy's children do come first, though, and they should.  Then me...ok??  :) 

i am looking for a new matress.  mine so sucks!  They aren't cheap, though!  Maybe i should start looking for a part time job this weekend.  That's what i should do!  Then, i could get myself a matress!

i am just rambling now...it's time for bed, obviously!

Talk at ya later,

addison

Daddy came to see me this afternoon.  Today had been 30 years since my sister passed away, and i was going to go to the cemetary.  He offered to come with me.  It meant so much to me to have Him there.  We haven't known each other that long yet, and sometimes i feel like there are things i want to say, but at the same time, i keep them to myself.  i think today was one of those times.  They were just things about that day, my family, how it's affected me.  i don't think He would have minded listening, but at the same time, i felt like it's too much too soon and also, i thought i might cry any minute.  The thing is, i know He will read this, and then i will tell Him when He asks..Goofy girl.

i found the sub's creed.  i had posted the Master's one a few days ago, and i was curious about if and what the sub one said.  i should find it again and post it.  i just wasn't sure, since i got it off someone's website, if it was something they had personally come up with or if it was the actual creed.  It was pretty interesting, though.

i am so wishing the weather would turn warmer!  i guess it is still March, but there have been a few days to tease us, and i'm getting anxious to start wearing my sandals and short sleeves!  Only 45 more days of school left, though!  YAY!!!  Then, it will be summer, and i'll be getting my tan on in Tracy's pool!

Back to my Daddy...i changed my relationship status on Facebook tonight.  i guess i could have two weeks ago, but tonight i really feel like He is my man.  He's my Master, my Daddy, my boyfriend, my man :)  i like it.  i like it a lot!  Yet, changing the status was kind of  a big deal for me.  i felt like if i did, i would jinx it or something! 

i will write more later!

addison

i just saw this in someone else's journal, so i stole it!  i liked it, and i wanted to keep it handy.  Is there a creed for a slave? 

What i like most about it is that it pinpoints specific areas, and yet there is room for the individuals in the relationship to make it their own, to not be put into a box, but grow as a Master and slave in their own relationship, so it is unique and individual to them and eachother. 

Since i stole it from someone, please feel free to take it from me too!

addison

MASTERS CREED

Above all else a  Master values his slave and understands the vulnerability of her position upon his chain. Knowing that she has assumed her correct place in the social system he is bound to compel her to behave as what she is, and to correct her as she strives to achieve the utmost fulfillment of her natural needs.
–
A Master is demanding and takes full advantage of the power he wields, but accepts the responsibility which comes with his Mastery. He takes pride in the achievements of his slaves, and rewards their devoted service by administering pleasure as he sees fit.
–
A Master is first and foremost Master of himself. Until he can Master himself, how can he Master others?
–
A Master holds the power to compel his slave to weep real tears, but is wise and compassionate enough to do so only in the best interests of his Mastery and to ensure that she grows in her slavery. A Master will reward his slave generously as he sees fit, also to compel obedience and to promote growth in her slavery. Whether he is punishing or comforting, he never forgets that he is the Master.
–
A Master’s role is never dictated merely by time or location. He will remember that the feelings and emotions of his slave are a vital part of his relationship with her, and will not hesitate to comfort or offer solace to his slave, should it seem good to him.
–
To be a Master a man must be strong enough to command his slave’s respect and her trust, so that she may serve him willingly in the knowledge that he will allow nothing less. A Master will strive at all times to guide and to teach a slave the truths of her position in the relationship.
–
A Master is not afraid to demonstrate his humor, his love, his kindness, and his warmth. A Master in not an uncaring machine, though often he may behave as one. The slave understands this and appreciates his softer qualities when they manifest.
–
A Master should, through his deeds and actions, demonstrate to his slave that he is worthy of her service to him. He must be strong enough to maintain her under the strictest discipline even in an informal setting. He must prove himself flexible when the situation requires it, and be wise enough to allow some leeway when it, too, is necessary.
–
A Master will be strong enough to defend what is his, when it becomes necessary. He will protect his slave from the consequences of his own folly, and see to it that she is suitably corrected when she errs. He is a pillar of strength which she may lean on in times of duress, and his slave may take heart in knowing that he is there to Master her, love her, cherish her and maintain her in her slavery.
–
When it comes time to instruct his slave and to compel her obedience, he is a strong and unyielding teacher. A Master will accept no flaw in his slave’s performance in regards to her actions, and will make certain that those actions please persons who are free. His slave is always under his eye, even when serving another.
–
A Master may punish his slave at any time, for reasons of disobedience, rudeness,and lying. When he does so, however, it is always to serve a purpose
–
A Master will always pay the strictest attention to the feelings and emotional needs of his slave, fulfilling them when he deems it appropriate.
–
A Master seeks to learn more of himself from his slave, and is wise enough to know that he is not always correct. He expects his slave to allow him to discover these things for himself, as he is free.
–
A Master understands that each partner gains most from fulfilling the other's needs, be they the need to serve or the need to command.
–
And a Master knows that should he be too weak to Master his slave, she will not be his slave for long.

Saw my Daddy again tonight!!  We had a really nice time, but He couldn't stay too long.  It kinda sucked, but it made me so happy to be with Him.  When i'm with Him, i feel so spoiled, and i feel like i am a priority to someone.  In most of my "relationships," i haven't had that at all.  i've been waiting for so long, because i do think i'm worth it, and i do deserve it.  i just never put myself in the right place with the right person until now. 

He did talk about involving another girl, though.  ACKK!!!  i know guys love the idea, and i guess i put the possibility out there, because i told Him i had been with another girl before, but i'm too insecure for that.  The idea does turn me on to an extent, buti want my Daddy to be happy and pleased with just me.  i need to know that, to be secure with that.  i'm just not, yet...

i did tell Him, though, that i had no doubts about us.  i do feel like i am meant to be with Him.  i trust Him, and i know He would never intentionally hurt me.  He cares about me, and i am so utterly smitten; it isn't even funny! 

Daddy had asked me previously about sharing all of this with my friends.  He wanted to see what their reactions would be to me having a Daddy.  i haven't told my closest friends, but tonight i was chatting with a friend on FB, and i did tell him.  He wasn't impressed.  Blah!  Whatever...he's a manwhore, so he doesn't have a lot of room to talk either!

So, this is my weekend now, and when Monday comes, Spring Break will be over.  BOO!!  Don't get me wrong, i love my job, and i love the people i work with.  It's just nice taking it easy and doing what i want when  i want.  i think there are only 47 more days of school anyway.  i think i can make it through!

Tomorrow, i have a skating party to go to.  It's for one of my friend's two daughters.  i am not skating!  It will be fun, though!  Other than that, my weekend is pretty free.  Next weekend wil be CUBS!!!  YAY!!!

Going to log off now...i have to email Daddy! 

Talk at ya later!

addison

Talked to Daddy today!!  Evertime i hear His voice, i'm blown away.  It makes me so giddy!  It makes me feel like a little girl! 

He told me today that He thinks it would be funny to tell my friends that He is my Daddy.  Yeah, i would love to see their reactions too, but i know my friends.  Even if they accept it about me, one of my friends is a HUGE GINORMOUS gossip!!  My two other closest friends wouldn't say much about it to me, but they would toally talk about me behind my back.  I just know them!! 

He mentioned a couple of weeks ago that he would go to the cemetary with me on the anniversary of my sister's death (next Wednesday).  It just filled up my heart to know that he would support me and do something like that for me.  i think it will bring us closer together, to share something so personal with Him.

i downloaded a song yesterday that i'm in love with.  i'm not much of a country person, but Gretchen Wilson has a new song called "I'd Love to be Your Last."  It talks about all the mistakes you've made in the past and how they have affected who you are.  It goes on to say that it doesn't matter in the end...."I don't care if I'm your first love, but I'd love to be your last."  It's so soft, and it really touched me.  In a lot of ways, it's how i feel right now in this relationship with Carey.

Spring Break is HALF OVER!!! :(  What has happened?  Where did it go?  Blahh!!! 

i just watched AI.  It was Motown Week.  i've never been a huge fan of Motown music really, but there was not one bad performance tonight.  i'm having a hard time figuring out who is my favorite this year.  i go back and forth between five or six people.

Speaking of watching something on TV....OPENING DAY IS IN 8 DAYS!!!  I'm so excited for baseball to start!  Go Cubs!  YAY!!!

A friend of mine is borrowing my car to take her driver's test tomorrow!  She's from Chicago, so she never had a reason to drive really, but she's ready to get her license.  So, tomorrow morning, i'll take her driving to get her used to driving my car, and then take her to the DMV.  i guess i'll take some cross stitching with me to keep my busy while i wait!

OK...off to Facebook!  Get my Zuma on for the night!

Later,

addison

Ok...i just talked to a good friend of mine, and he informed me that i was being stupid.  He said that of course my Daddy likes me.  Of course He means what He is telling me.  i am a great girl, and Carey would be dumb to not want me.  He told me to be happy, and not worry about what may come.   So, i'm going to get my happy on and do this!  i am in it to win it!! 

i've met Someone :)  Not just Someone...but i believe THE one!  We started messaging eachother on CM about four weeks ago, chatted, and then talked on the phone.  His birthday and mine were both this past week, so we decided to get together to celebrate.  He only lives 45 miles away, so He drove over here, we went to dinner, and then spent a wonderfully incredilble night together. 

He is an awesome Daddy for me.  There are so many wonderful qualities about Him that just make me want to be His.  He is dominant, of course, but also very intune to what i need also.  He is very much a communicator.  He's loving and romantic.  He is very handsome and sexy, and we got along so well together.  i feel like such a lucky lil girl to have found her Daddy.

Yet, i have these doubts floating around.  i shouldn't.  i KNOW i shouldn't.  He has given me no reason whatsoever to doubt.  i trust Him as a person, but i guess i don't have enough faith in myself to believe that Someone like Him could be interested in me and only me.  i have been knocked down and around so many times, and that's taken a toll on my self-confidence. 

i do not want to be this way!!!  i want to be able to completely surrender and be sure in this relationship.  Until i do that, i know i will always be holding a little of myself back, not wanting to put myself entirely out there to be hurt.  Grrr!  Double Grrrr!!!

So, i'm on Spring Break right now!  YAY!!  i didn't have much time to think about it before this, what with my big date and all!  That filled my brain!  Now, though, i realize i have a whole week off!!  Woohooo!!!  Not sure what i'm going to do, but i hope to see my Daddy at some point...maybe the weekend??  i am going to do some shopping and lunch with some friends one day.  That should be fun; although, i don't have too much too spend :(  Oh well...just hanging out is fun too!  i started reading "The Hunger Games."  It's a teenage series, kind of like Twilight was.  No vamps, though!  It's really good so far.  i haven't been able to put it down!  i'm sure i'll finish that sometime this week.  Plus, i have one of Chelsea Handler's books.  i LOVE that girl!  i'm hoping to get some cross stitching in too.

i think i might check out CM chat tonight.  i tried it once before, but nothing much was happening.  Who knows...maybe tonight there might be some interesting discussion going on!

Later,

addison

I'm on a roll here, people...twice in one week!

I didn't have work today, because of President's Day, so I pretty much just relaxed.  I slept in, and then when I woke up, I got on FB for awhile and wasted away pretty much of my morning playing games and doing crap there.  I took a shower, did some laundry, had some lunch, and then watched some tv and cross stitched this afternoon.  I'm trying to make a birthday card for a friend of mine who is also turning 40 next month.  She and I have the same depressed feelings about it, so I put together a little bit of Lady Gaga's "You Were Born This Way" on a pattern.  We'll see how it turns out.

I didn't really talk to anyone today (meaning Masters or Doms).  I texted Brian with a question about where to dload something, but other than that, it was pretty quiet on the D/s front.  I haven't even masturbated today, which is kind of unusual for a day off.

Well, I know that was kind of boring, but I think I'm going to check FB once more, and then watch some tv before bed.  OOoohh...Chelsea at 10!  I LOVE Chelsea Handler :)

Anyway, catch ya later!

Addison

OK, so for the past two years or so, I've been with a Master.  It was through phone and email, and yes, that was very frustrating.  We both didn't have the money to travel, and he because of his job, he worked a lot in Mexico.  About a month and a half ago, he told me that we should just be friends.  The biggest reason was that he didn't see a chance for us to meet anytime soon, and it was very hard on both of us, wanting it so much, and yet, it wasn't happening.  The second reason was (and I find this to be the big one) that our D/s levels don't match up.  He is very dominant and quite controlling, and I am looking for something a little less demanding.  I am sub, but it's hard for me to submit 100%.  The thing is, I do love him, and so I tried very hard to do so.  It just didn't work very well.  He also tried to be less dominant, but it always ended up with one of us being upset and hurt over the fact that we were holding back and not being who we truely are. 

Anyway, he called me today.  He texted me first, and then called.  I honestly don't know what to think about it.  I feel like I was starting to feel ok without him.  Yes, I did miss him, and yes, it still feels natural to submit to him, but I just don't think it was the best thing...talking to him.  I don't know if it will ever go beyond what we had in the past, and I need and want so much more. 

Other than that, I'm doing ok.  I'm turning 40 next month, and I'm a little down about that.  People tell me (and I know it's true) that it's just a number..."40 is the new 30" they say.  I know I don't act or feel 40.  However, I just feel like I haven't accomplished what I've wanted to in life.  I went to college to be a teacher, and I'm still a teacher's aide (although, I LOVE my job).  I don't make enough to live on my own, so I'm still with my parents.  I've never been married, and I don't have any kids.  I'm overweight, which in itself depresses me. 

HOWEVER...there is a lot about life to love.  I know that I'm so very blessed with what I do have.  My family is great, and I have wonderfully awesome friends.   I'm a lucky girl :)  I just wish I could be blessed with a millionaire boyfriend!!  And the Cubs winning the World Series this year!!  Both of those things are near impossibilities, I know; however, gotta keep the faith, right? 

I'm going to try and write more.  I know I always say that, but I am...cross my heart!  For now, I think I'm going to go take a hot bubblebath, and pop in a dvd.  I don't have to work tomorrow, so that is a bonus!

Hasta,

addison

Well, well, well...it's me again on Collarme.com  Who would have thunk it?  The past year or so has been something of a learning experience for me.  I've had a few new experiences, and I think I've gained some inner strength.  YAY!!! for me!!!

I was really starting to worry about this thing with Daddy.  After we met, I didn't hear from him for a couple of days, and I was getting nervous...very nervous.  In the past, it's always been like that.  I meet someone, someone who promises to be the best Daddy ever.  We meet, I get my hopes up, and then nothing afterwards.  I know that in a way it is my own fault for expecting too much.  I let these men use me, and yet, I keep doing it.  It's horrible for my self-esteem, and I know it has warped my sense of trust.  And that's why, I was beginning to have these doubts about Daddy now.  I told him I do trust him, but deep down, I'm not so sure.  I want to, but I think it's going to take time.  It just seemed way too good to be true with him.  He told me that it wasn't too good, that it was what I deserved.  Maybe I do, and maybe it's what happens in normal relationships.  I'm just not used to that, so I doubt it all.  I doubt that I'm worthy of it.  Wost of all, I doubt Daddy.

So, anyway, I hadn't heard from him, and I was really getting worried.  Then, he messaged me and said that there were some serious issues going on in his family.  He explained it to me, but also told me that his family, not he and I, were his first priority at the moment.  Well, of course, I completely understood.  They should be his first concern.  I was just very disappointed, is all. 

I'm disappointed because I haven't heard from him since then.  I'm disappointed because I miss him terribly.  I'm disappointed because we had planned on me visiting again in a few weeks, and I'm sure that's not going to happen.  I'm disappointed because I don't think he realizes how much I need him too. 

Anyway, that's how things are with Daddy; they're on hold for the moment.  I hope things with his family resolve quickly.  I don't wish ill on anyone, and I will try to be patient, because obviously, the family situation is what his main focus should be right now.

I just wish he would call me and let me know how things are going.  I wish I could hear his voice for just ten minutes.  I wish he could just tell me that everything is going to be alright.    This is my Daddy, though, and he'll do what he needs to do.  This I know about him, and I do respect it.  Sighh...

Later, addison

Guess what!  It's me...writing once again.  I haven't even been to CM in awhile, but I got a notice that I received and email, so of course, I had to check it out.  I do enjoy writing in my journal here.  I don't know why I don't do it more often, excpet I think I'm just repeating myself over and over.  How boring is that? 

I have a Daddy these days online and on the phone; although, it's not consistant, and I'm of course having trouble with that.  I'm a needy little girl, and I need reassurance.  I need him to talk to me.  It makes me want to cry sometimes that he's not around.  I'm 100% happy when we talk, and it doesn't even have to be sexual.  He's so good to me, and I feel that we fit so well together.  A lot of Daddys out there want there girl to be a certain way, act a certain age.  I'm not like that at all.  I'm moody, and sometimes I need to be a complete whore, othertimes, sweet and loving.  It doesn't matter with him though.  He can turn me into anything.  I just want to please him so much.  At the same time, he can read my moods, and meets me halfway...either that or we just need and want the same things.  I feel like I'm so HIS.  It hurts that I'm not really His though...like a piece of me is missing.  I think about him a lot, imagining him with me.  I know...it sounds like I'm a stalker or something.  I'm not though.  It's just me, wanting my Daddy.

Well, I'm going to head to bed.  I'm going to go walking tomorrow.  Some friends and I walk every morning for about an hour.  Unfortunately, I am not a morning person, and they are.  It pisses me off how cheerful they are sometimes.

Anyway, I'll try to keep this up better.  We'll see, eh? 

Later, Addison

So, Thursday was the first day of school.  It was HOT.  Luckily, it was only a half day, so we didn't have to stick around too long.  Anyway, it was nice being back.  It was a little different for me this year, because I'm with a new teacher.  I work with two different ones, but one of the teachers I worked with last year moved to a new position, so I'm working with someone else this year.  I'm sure it will be great, but it was just different. 

Within an hour and a half of getting home, a huge storm, that lasted a total of probably twenty minutes came through the state.  It wasn't a tornado, but something called straight line winds, which have tornado like wind speeds.  All throughout town, power was off, trees and lines were down, damage done to houses.  It was a mess.  We didn't have power at my house until Friday night.  Needless to say, it was boring and hot.  I'm not complaining, though, because I know it could have been a lot worse.  The house is ok, and we didn't have any trees come down.  There was no school on Friday, so we already used up one of our "snowdays".  Crazy.  Power is back mostly throughout town now, but it's still a mess everywhere.

I really haven't talked to any of the Daddies.  Rich said hello a few times, which was nice.  :)  Other than that, though, no Daddies.

Well, I should head to bed, because there is school tomorrow.  Whooooooopeee.

Later, Addison

i'm rolling my eyes, because i've just been on the message boards, and there was a post from some girl.  She was so flirty in her responses.  She even "giggled" in several of her posts.  It was disgusting.  However, one guy kept responding to her over and over again, so obviously it was working.  Whatever.

i didn't talk to any men today.  OK...i did, but not any of my men.  This new one, his name is Ken, is a great guy.  i'm just taking it slow, not rushing into anything.  Honestly, i don't feel like rushing into anything, which is odd.  Usually, i have all these expectations and hopes, but with him, i'm not having that.  i don't exactly know what that means, though.

School starts two weeks from today.  i have to say that i am ready.  i'm starting to get pretty bored.  i just wish it started about two hours later, so i could still sleep in.  i'm not much of a morning person.  Next week, i'm going to to help out with registration, which is cool.  It's an extra half a paycheck that i wasn't going to have, and since i want to get a new car, it will help. 

i'm still working on my porn on my Yahoo group.  It's about done, and when it is, i'll post the link here.  All i have left to do are the blowjob pics.  i certainly can't leave those out :)

i'm heading to bed.  i'll try and write more tomorrow night.  Later...Addison

The Cubs lost tonight :(  When looking at the schedule, I was a little worried about this week.  First the Phillies and then the Mets.  Sighh...I was just hoping that they could get through it with a few wins.  If they can do this, then I think they really have a chance. 

I was thinking earlier about my profile.  It says a lot about who I am, but it doesn't talk about what I'm looking for.  And yes, I am looking.  I know I talk about the three Daddies I talk with/have phonesex with, but these Daddies aren't serious about me or about wanting a relationship other than what we already have, so I am definitely looking.

I guess that starts what I'm looking for.  I want a man who is serious about a relationship.  I'm 36 for crying out loud, and I want to be in a committment.  Also, and please take note, I am looking for someone who is between the ages of 30 and 45.  I've had a lot of older men email me, and they seem like great Daddies, but I want someone closer to my own age. 

Yes, I want a Daddy.  I'm not a slave, and I'm really not a sub.  I am basically a little girl at heart, and I need a Daddy to complement that.  Of course, my Daddy will have dominant traits, just as I have submissive ones, and he will also have to punish his little girl with spankings and such, so I'm open to someone who can provide me with a little bit of pain here and there.  Name calling and a bit of humiliation is probably also sometimes called for.  I can be bratty and sassy sometimes, wanting my own way, but I'm sure with the right Daddy, he can control that and teach me to be a better girl for him.

That girl, the good girl, is who I am most of the time, and I am looking for a Daddy that loves that good girl with all of his heart.  He will cherish me, protect me, care for me, make sure that I'm always aware that I am his good girl.  He will be playful with me, teasing and flirting.  He will give me lots of kisses and touches to let me know that he appreciates the love I give to him. 

Those are my Daddy traits, but I'm also looking for a person who is fun.  I'm a huge Cubs fan (if you haven't figured that out yet), and I would love it if my Daddy was at least a baseball fan.  I want him to be smart and able to communicate well.  I am very close to my family, and I would want him to be a part of that.  I want to be proud of his human characteristics.  That being said, I have a tendency to fall for the "bad boys." 

Is all of that too much to ask for??  I didn't say he had to love shopping as much as I do :)  Ohh...he must have all of his teeth...please!

Alright, I am so ready for bed!  Nighters...Addison

Last night, i felt kind of bad after i kept going on about dumb men.  i mean, really, i must be the dumb one for putting myself into situations with these men who treat me like crap.  For instance, take Rich.  i guess i should have no illusions about things happening between us, but when we do talk, He's such a great Daddy.  That's when we do talk though.  Sometimes, He'll go days without messaging me or a week or so without calling.  Yet, i keep going back.  Who's the dumb one??  i can sometimes tell when He's been online, because He comes to the site and is one of my favorites, and if i skim over His name, it will tell me what time He was here.  It's not like i'm checking up on Him, because i only look when i'm on the site myself.  Tonight though, he was here minutes before i was, but i was on Yahoo.  i'm sure He was there too.  Why didn't He message me?  i'm the dumb one.  i'm the foolish one. 

On top of that, i hate going on and on about it, but it's really frustrating to me.  i'm sorry.  i hope everyone isn't reading this over and over and thinking about what a pathetic person i am. 

i lost all the porn i had saved on a cd.  Grr...that really pissed me off.  Luckily, it's still on my Yahoo profile, but now i have to go and reburn it all which is taking forever and a day.

The Cubs lost tonight. 

Boy, what a day.

i'm going to bed...Addison

i had a pretty good day today...no complaints really. 

Funny thing, though...my friend Michelle and i were eating lunch, and she started telling me about an email she had gotten (her husband actually got).  She said it was the most repulsive and nausiating thing she had ever seen.  So, as we ate lunch, she proceeded to tell me about it.  It was a video of a girl and a guy having lunch, and then the girl starts to give the guy head.  He starts forcing his cock deeper in her mouth, and she gags.  She gags so much that she throws up the lunch she just ate.  The guy keeps fucking her mouth, gagging her more and more until she does it again.  This time, he takes the vomit and and spreads it all over her face telling her what a "good girl" she is. 

Ok...so maybe that is a little repulsive, but Michelle wondered why a girl would let a guy do that to her.  Hmmm...no wondering here.  I just kept it to myself, however. 

i went and got Steve's Valentine's gift today.  i know...it's only a week past Valentine's.  Of course, we couldn't get together then, so i had more time to shop, luckily.  It kind of pisses me off.  i guess that's why i'm not really invested in what we have this time around.  i love him, of course, and i always will, but i KNOW that it's not meant to be, so i'm not taking things as seriously.

Twenty-seven days until my birthday!!  Sure, i'm excited, but what excites me ever more is that Opening Day is 41 days away.  That rocks my world!  i know...i'm a dork, but i love baseball.

Ok...i'm heading to bed.  Nighters people!

It's finally Friday tomorrow!  It seems like this week has gone on forever!  i know i was so excited to get back to work, but now that it's here, i think i already need a vacation.  Good thing it's a three-day weekend.  One of my little girls today told me that her parents are getting divorced when they "get the bills worked out."  i felt so bad for her.  i had her last year in my first grade class, so i know her pretty well.  Sighh...

i've gone to the Y three days this week already.  my muscles are SORE!  It makes me feel good though, knowing i'm doing something again, and not sitting on my butt.  i'll probably go again on Saturday.

Steve, my previous Dom, emailed me tonight, so i got on MSN  and chatted with Him for a bit.  It's always great talking to Him, catching up with each other.  He's a DJ for a goth radio show, and tomorrow He's DJ'ing a big concert over in Peoria.  He kept trying to get me to go, but i'm definitely not a gothgirl (just a mundane, as he explained to me...kinda like being nilla to the BDSM crowd).  i would just feel uncomfortable there, especially since He would be working, and we wouldn't get to spend much time together.  We're going to try and get together sometime soon though, just to see each other and catch up. :)

i haven't heard anything from either Rich or David.  It's ok though; i didn't expect to really.  The one sub has begun emailing me again.  i'm not sure what to think about it.  The more i look at what i want, who i am, maybe it wouldn't matter so much, because maybe i'm not as submissive as i thought.  Maybe we could make it work.  i just don't want to rush into anything or make any promises i can't keep. 

i talked to my nephew yesterday.  He's four and lives in NC.  i miss him...and my sister and brother in law, of couse.  He took his Harrydog to school (a stuffed dog i gave him that looks like my real dog Harry) because it was the letter D day.  He was so excited about it.  Sighh...i wish they lived closer. 

i'm heading to bed.  my body is tired if nothing else.  Maybe i'll read for a bit.  Addison

i have a new Sir, a new Daddy.  We're working on getting to know one another, and i'm not rushing into things, but i've decided that i need to put my energies into ONE person.  Flirting around with three or four Daddys will get me nowhere.  i don't know if He's the right ONE for me, but i can't know that by working with other Daddys also. 

i start school tomorrow!!  Like i've said before, i am ready to go back.  i just hate getting up in the morning.  Hearing an alarm clock go off is not the way i like to begin my day.  Plus, i'm more of a night person, and i enjoy staying up late, but the next day, i do pay for it.  ICK!  Oh well...what's a girl to do??

One of my sisters lives in NC.  She has a son and a husband.  Well, my other sister lives here in town, but she just went out to NC for a job interview.  She's back now, and didn't get the job.  Is it horrible of me that i 'm glad she didn't get it??  i should be happy and thrilled for her.  i'm just jealous that she and my other sister would grow closer, that she would be closer to my nephew.  That's all.  i know my whole family, probably me included, will end up in NC someday.  my parents when they retire, talk about moving there.  It would be a great place to live, but i just don't want to be left out, i guess.

i have to get going, get a shower and some lunch.  i might stop by the school to drop some stuff off; i'm not sure.  Maybe i'll just sit around and read all day.  Later, Addison

i've had a pretty good day today.  i didn't do too much really.  i watched the Cubs, and they won :)  i love my team.  i read and cross stitched, and of course, got online.  i mean, i'm here, right?  Richard and i played Canasta.  Todd and i talked a bit too.  He wants to know how things are going for me here on this CM site.

What i told him is that things are ok.  There are three or four men who are emailing me, wanting to get to know me, etc.  Rich hasn't emailed me or anything in over a week now since he's been on his business trip.  i don't know what to make of that.  i'm disappointed, really.  So now, i'm kind of hesitant in talking to other people.  i don't want to get my hopes up. 

Plus, i feel like i'm misleading everyone.  i know we're just getting to know one another, and not everyone is going to fall instantly head over heels for me.  However, i know the more you talk to someone, the more attatched you get sometimes, even not meaning to.  i just went through that with the sub i've been mentioning here in my journals.

So, i don't know what to do.  i guess i just keep emailing them.  However, i want them to know that i'm also talking to other people.  If they can't accept that, then i guess they'll move on.  Then i think though, what if he was the one?  The one who moved on?  Then what??  Oh, i'm a crazy girl!

i need to email a few of these boys (i know, men; i've just always said it that way), and then head to bed.  Later, Addison

Well, not only did the Cubs lose Maddux, but they also traded Todd Walker.  It had to be those two...my two favorite players.  Sighh...this has been a difficult day for me.  LOL...i know, there are worse things in this world, but still!!  Grrr...

Tomorrow i'm going to go paint again.  Kathy called me and said we're going to do it at nine since it's so blooming hot out.  Well, ya, it is...but nine??  I'm just pulling my butt out of bed at that time.  I think I'll be able to handle it though. 

I'm glad Kathy and i are spending this time together.  As i mentioned before, we've known each other since we were about 12 or so, and were really good friends high school and college years, and even for a little while after that.  Then, she got married, they had the kids, and we just don't see each other all that often...maybe five or six times a year. 

When i was in highschool, i had a very close group of friends.  Now, i hardly ever see any of them.  When we do get together, don't get me wrong, we have a blast, but sometimes, i just wish i would have stayed in better touch with them. 

The friends i have now are basically people i work with.  We're all around the same age, have a lot of the same interests, and we do hang out together outside of work quite a bit.  However, in the summer, we all tend to go our seperate ways.  i'm the only one not married, and they are busy with their families, which makes sense. 

i tend to get rather lonely.  i need to make some new friends, i guess.  Where do i go to make these new friends though?  To the bars?  i don't know...i'm not one to go out and just meet people that way. 

Once again, it's been a day without Rich or Todd.  Richard and i chatted for a little bit.  We didn't play Canasta or look at porn.  i'm kinda bored with porn, i think.  i go through phases. 

i'm heading to bed...Nighters!  Addison

i was going to write about something, and i thougt about it all day.  Now i can't remember what it was.  Must have been a lie.  LOL...that's what a friend of mine in college used to say when she couldn't remember something.  "Must have been a lie."

Ohh...i remember now.  (Not a lie now, is it??)  i was going to talk about me being submissive.

Sometimes i wonder if i'm really a submissive.  i look at subs and slaves online (i've never met any in real life that i know of), and they seem so much more into the lifestyle than i am.  From what i see of myself, compared to them, i'm...well, vanilla.

i know, and i've written about this already, that the two people in the relationship define what BDSM is for them.  That it's different for everyone.  There are varying levels and degrees, and there are different aspects and characteristics in each relationship.  There is no set definition of what it is or what it should be. 

However, when i look at myself, i see this girl who just likes A LOT of kinky things.  Many of those things are areas which most would say fall into the world of BDSM.  Does that make one a submissive or a slave or a Master or Domme, etc...??

I have to say that i don't feel as if i could live 24/7 with those things in my life.  i couldn't be controlled or be that little girl all of the time.  i'm quite independent at times, i want my own way, i'm quite stubborn, and there are times i would rather compromise than give in.

i've always considered myself to be submissive because of two main reasons.  The first, and i think this is the most important reason, and the reason that seals the deal, is that it is my nature to be submissive.  i am a very giving person, i am easy going, i do give in a lot to make people happy, i want others to be happy before myself, and i'm definitely more of a follower than a leader. 

Don't get me wrong, i do stand up for what i believe in.  i TRY not to be a doormat, and like i said before, i'm quite stubborn.  However, when it comes right down to it, it's just part of me, ingrained in me, something that i don't even consider or think about, but i give of myself almost 100%.

The other reason, is the idea of the kinks and perversions i enjoy.  However, i think if it was just this one reason, without the other, i would not be sub.  i would just be a kinky girl.  Right??  i don't know. 

So, i guess i am submissive, but does that make me a submissive?  That's what i'm wanting to know, i guess?  Maybe i just need the training.  Maybe i just have to find someone who accepts who i am and He's the other piece of my imperfect BDSM puzzle and the two of us put our own spin on our lifestyle, BDSM or not.

If anyone is reading this, and wants to weigh in, please feel free to message me about it.  i'm sure there are some forums out there already relating to this.  Who knows...

i'm heading to bed...Addison

i was in the middle of my journal writing last night, when my Daddy (i guess i can call Him that now) came online.  i actually didn't have much to write about.  my days are pretty much all the same in the summertime.  Although, i did go down and paint with Michelle and Kathy.  Plus, the Cubs beat the Cardinals last night...even with a rookie pitcher who had to be taken out in the fourth.  It was a great game.  Michelle told me that she and her husband and kids are going up to Chicago next week, and they're going to go to the game on Tuesday.  I'm so very jealous.

So, anyway, i didn't have much to write about.  When i go back to work (i'm a teacher's aide), there's always something going on then.  Whether it's the kids or my coworkers, there's drama of all kinds.  I equate it to one day being at a comedy club, the next being in hell, the next being in a hospital, the next a jail, the next a circus, and finally, maybe one day being just what it is...a school.
i can't wait!  Well...maybe, i can.  Actually, i don't mind it at all.  i love the people i work with, so that makes it a great place to be.  The only downside is that i get used to summer hours, and then i have to go back to getting up at seven and then going to bed at a decent hour so i can get up and function at seven.

Last night, before Daddy came online, i was chatting with Todd.  He asked if i had spoken to Daddy recently, and i said it had been a couple of days.  So, when Daddy did come online, i told Todd.  He said something about leaving me alone, and i told him that i could talk to the both of them at the same time.  He just wouldn't have it, but he made this big deal about leaving, dragging it out. "I don't like to share, so i better just go."  It just so happened that Daddy wanted to call me, so i had to get offline, and i told Todd this.  "Have a good time.  Cum good." 

Ohhh...now Todd's online...we'll see what he says now.

Back to the story...it just irritated me.  "I don't like to share."  What does he have to share.  He doesn't want to be my Daddy.  i've been with him for three years or whatever.  If he wanted to be with me, he would be with me.  i wouldn't have even ventrued out to find someone else.  There is no sharing, when he has no claim to me, is there?  Grrr...

Now, he's giving me the third degree about it all.  It's none of his business, and i'm trying to avoid his questions.  Why does he want to know all of this.  He's just curious, he says.  In way, i feel guilty.  i think he wants me to feel that way too.

Alright, i'm leaving for the Y.  That's it for now.  i would write more about Daddy, but i don't know how He feels about me sharing our experiences.  i'll have to ask.  Til later...Addison

I've been talking to a few Doms/Masters about having more than one girl.  For me, I know that this is not the type of relationship I want to be in. 

I had a Dom, Steve, for about four years, and He was/is married.  They had an open marriage...she and i were not involved with one another, but we knew each other.  In the beginning, I was very cool with it.  The excitement of being with Him was new and He and i were getting to know one another, so i wasn't attatched to Him. 

As time went by though, He and i fell in love, we grew closer and the once a week i saw Him, the talking online everynight, it just wasn't enough...for either of us really.  He wasn't going to leave her though, and i knew that from the beginning. 

i grew to be very jealous, and even more than that, which hurt my self esteem, was that i knew i wasn't a priority.  His wife, His family, they always came first.  i grew to be very insecure, to believe that i wasn't worth much, that i wasn't worth loving.

Yes, i was jealous, but i never showed it, and i never really showed my insecurities to Him either; although, He's a smart guy, and i'm sure He realised it.  He tried His best to make me feel like i was special.  It just never seemed to help.  i couldn't get past this feeling of "i'm not good enough." 

It's ironic, because in the end, i left Him because i thought He needed to spend more time with His family.  They were going through some rough times, and i felt like i was in the way of Him concentrating on them.  

Since then, i even stray away from telling men that i'm bi, because i think that if i do, they'll want something with another girl...my insecurities pop right back up...."Why am i not good enough that He needs someone else?"

So, i know, for my own peace of mind, my own soul, my own self worth, i can't be involved in something where there is another girl involved.  I don't know; maybe someday down the road that will change.  Maybe i will be willing to let my Daddy bring me a sister to play with.  However, He has to know, right from the beginning how i feel about this.  He has to accept this about me. 

OK...I've said my piece of mind for the evening.  Til later, Addison

My sister and I talked again tonight.  She called me.  We talked for over an hour, and she still thinks I'm wrong.  I just told her I didn't want to hear about it anymore and move on.  We just agree to disagree.  I feel better about the situation, but that's now.  We'll have to wait and see how things go.

I've been thinking about what John said last night about "making a list."  Here's my list:  I want to be Daddy's little girl.  That's it.  I know I should be more specific, and I guess I can be to an extent, but like I said last night, it's hard to know what you want until it's there sometimes. 

I want a Daddy who is funny.  I want a Daddy who is a bit cocky or egotistical.  I want a Daddy who is smart.  I want a Daddy who is kind, yet firm. (I know John would ask what firm means to me....but it all depends).  I want a Daddy who is flirty and romantic.  I want a Daddy who treats me with respect.  I want a Daddy who isn't always my Daddy, but lets me be who I really am sometimes...meaning, I don't want to dress like a little girl all the time, or read Junie B. Jones books or eat Happy Meals or wet the bed every night.

I am a Daddy's girl.   I know it in my heart of hearts.  In my fantasies, in my dreams, there are days when I feel so innocent and naive, and I need a teacher to help me along my sexual path.  Then there are days when I'm a whore, a slut, the wicked girl who needs to be punished.  Sometimes I'm a brat, little miss sassypants.  There are days when I want to curl up next to Daddy and have him love me and take care of me forever. 

I can tell you, I like some bondage, but I'm not big on it.  I'd rather be held down.  I yearn to be controlled at times, but then other times, I just have to put my foot down.  Sometimes I love being called dirty, filthy names, humiliated beyond my limits, but then there are other times, that it would hurt my feelings beyond belief. 

It's just a matter of a Daddy knowing His little girl, a Master knowing His slave, a Dom knowing His sub.  I can't tell you specifics.  You must learn them by talking to me, being with me, getting to know who I am. 

I do remember at one time filling out a list on that other BDSM website (which I can't mention).  It was a little bit more extensive than the one here.  I'll check to see if it's still there, and maybe post that in one of my next journal entries.

Blah blah blah...

MY CUBBIES WON!!! Of course they would with Big Z pitching.  He's so awesome.   I was looking at the schedule today, and I realised that if the Cubs wanted to get to 500 by the end of the season, they would have to win 47 more games.  That doesn't sound too bac, but then again, there are only 68 games left, so they could only lose 21.  Sighh...my poor Cubs.

It's kinda early tonight, but I have a few emails to answer, and then I think I'm going to head to bed....maybe read for a bit.  I didn't sleep too well last night for some reason.  Til later...Addison