WyckedEvilBytch

Having him under my roof is NOT the best thing for helping me to plant my feet firmly in the ground on my decision to divorce him. I definitely still have intense and uncontrollable feelings for him, and I am longing to lay next to him and sleep peacefully, pretending that everything is okay. My will is beginning to collapse from underneath me. We've already joined our bodies as one again, several times since he was released from jail. I'm beginning to wonder if that was a bad idea, but the submissive in me is still screaming to please him, to serve him, to be the wife to him that I wanted to be before my world came crashing down. I've told him that I want this divorce, and he senses that I wasn't completely firm in my decision. To make matters worse, I know he reads my journal on here, but I have nowhere else to vent. Nowhere else to let out my true emotions. Everyone I talk to just further confuses me. My head is telling me to stand firm by my decision because it will all just go to hell again, and what if he hurts me again? My heart is screaming "You fool! Can't you see that he loves you like no other man will?" It's the angel vs. devil thing. The sadist...masochist...in me I guess that is just longing to be hurt yet again. Yes, I do have a new man. Yes, I do love him. It's also the new and unexplored vs. the old and I know what's going to happen thing. Just GRRRR!!! I have no intelligent words for the war that is raging between heart and head. I do know one thing for absolute sure....I'm really enjoying this new relationship the husband and I have. I am free to tell him about my new sexual ventures, free to fuck him NSA, and I can still tell him anything about anything else. I am definitely enjoying my freedom in not having to answer to a man, that is for damned sure. I've also got another submissive on the side that I am..."professionally Domming". I don't want to lose my freedom, but I don't want to get hurt again either. I'm still torn. I'm just going to leave things as they are. Get the divorce, and see what happens. I'd like to give myself at least 3 more months of this "torturous independence" before I decide anything else. I'm still young, and I'm not planning on dying anytime soon. My biological clock is not ticking because I already have children, so I'm really not in any rush to decide anything soon. More later. Feel free to give advice if you're following on my journals.

Lord, I need to quit being so naive and letting people get the best of me, raping me of my energy. I'm only 25, and I'm so mentally exhausted these days, I feel way beyond my years. Just so tired of this life.

Ok, so it's been a little bit yet again since I have graced my own page with my thoughts and words of wisdom. I highly doubt any words of wisdom will part from these insomnia-tic lips, but let's see how my effort shows.

So for starters, the one I have feared is now out of jail. No, for all those who have been concerned, he's not threatened me anymore. He seems...calm. He's apologetic for his actions, and I have forgiven, but I am not the type of woman who will be brutalized and then be foolish enough to let him back in to do it again. Yes, he reads this page, yes, he is a member of this site, and no, I will not give his name. It seems that we have only brought out the worst in each other over the course of the past four and a half years, and I don't want the words on my page to scare away any females who might have a chance at giving him true happiness, and helping him to continue on his path of self discovery. I, fortunately, was able to open a door into his psyche to show him a little part of who he truly is, and what he desires. It is up to him to follow up with that to find his true happiness. I'm saddened and a bit taken aback by his recent actions because it took that one night for him to lose his cool, and having the feeling of losing everything he cared about, for him to try to change, not for me or for his children, but for himself. I never wanted to change him. I just wanted to make him happy. As his wife, partner, confidante, submissive, and above all else, his best friend, it was MY duty to ensure his happiness, and I failed him. I just pray that he finds it, I truly do. 

A part of me does fear that this newfound understanding, apologetic, accepting best friend that I have in my soon to be ex husband is just a facade, and he is only playing me to get what he wants until he does, and then I get screwed over yet again. I would hope that after so many years of being with him that he does not do this to me, and I will put forth the faith and trust in him that I lacked before, just one time, and see where it goes. Despite everything, I do still enjoy talking to him, and having him actually listen to me, taking his advice, and really listening to what he has to say. We now have the communication that we were so desperately lacking throughout the course of our marriage. Why does it take a nightmare to achieve a little slice of heaven? I hope to maintain this friendship with him, to not let jealous feelings get in our way of wishing each other the best, and above all else, that we remain true to each other in pure friendship for the sake of our children. They deserve the very best of both of us. It's obvious they won't get that by our being together because we are too passionate. Too stubborn. To unwilling to admit when we are wrong. In our friendship, we have been good so far. We've been able to talk through disagreements, and work things out for the sake of our children. For this, I am blessed.

Another happier note, and surprisingly enough with his blessing, I have begun again with a new man. A new Sir. He is sweet, gentle and kind. He knows how to gently push me in my place without making me feel ashamed, but rather, loved. He does not put his hands on me in a harsh sense, and he has cleaned up the worst of the mess with his gentle kisses and strong arms. I'm scared that he will feel like the rebound. I'm scared that I will feel like he's the rebound. It's not been very long and the divorce is not yet final. Am I moving too fast, or was I just really that over what my husband did? I don't know. I'm still feeling the heartache for what my husband did. I'm also still feeling the longing for his arms. But I think of nothing else when I am in my new Sir's arms other than my new Sir. When I am with him, I feel nothing else but his presence and as I lay my head on his chest, inhale him, and listen to his heartbeat as I fall asleep, I am thankful that I have him there for me. He has treated me like a princess from day 1. 

Just a side note...am I foolish to believe a man could want me for me, rather than for what I am capable of doing for him? Time shall tell. In the meantime, despite the chaos, I am mostly at peace other than the few tears that trickle late at night when I'm alone. Good night.

Wow. That's all I have to say. He finally stopped contacting me. I realized the attention from "her" was all I really needed, just human attention and affection. The need to be held, especially when alone, is an extremely huge thing for me right now. Just someone to hold me, and genuinely tell me through body language that someone does give a shit. Words mean nothing to me anymore. I'm going based solely off of the actions of others, and not the words that come out of their mouths. You can tell someone so much more through actions and body language than you ever could in words.

On another note, I wasn't financially able to afford to file for divorce at the end of January so I'm filing on Monday, for sure. My procrastination is definitely NOT because I'm hoping he will change. It's just a lack of funds. That's it. Do I wish I could go back to that night and do something differently? Kind of. Although it really wasn't me this time. Whatever was going through his head boiled over to the point of him putting his hands on me, and that was by no means MY fault. I tried to avoid the situation, remove myself from it, lock myself in my room....no point in wasting anymore energy talking about this. What's done is done, and I'm onto a new chapter in my life. My children are doing amazing, and my business has doubled, so I'm good. I've always told everyone I'm a fighter, independent and strong. It takes something like this to make them believe it. I've not gone running back into the arms of my parents with my tail between my legs, and I really don't plan to. I've got this. I have an awesome support system here and friends who have my back no matter what, so I'm good.

I'm not sure what the hell is going on. I think I'm getting feelings for her. Every time I'm around her I get extremely turned on and I think of all the dirty stuff I want to do to her. I'm NOT a lesbian by any means, but this one girl just does it for me. It turns me on to turn her on, and it gets me off to get her off. I'm not sure how to feel about this.

My ribs are still killing me. It's been almost a month, I would've thought it would be easier to breathe by now. I'm finally able to file for divorce on Friday. I can't wait to close this chapter of my life and move on. He thinks that we will be able to get counseling and be a happy family again. He put his hands on me though. He doesn't seem to understand how done I am now. I no longer trust or respect him, and if he could be that brutal to me, then he obviously doesn't really love me, and probably never did. 4 years down the drain. I really loved that man too. I put up with so much bullshit just to be with him, and this is what I get. Oh well. I'm gonna do me. On the plus side, since changing my eating habits and going to the gym 5 days a week...I've lost 15 lbs since he left. 43 lbs to go. I'm completely revamping who I am, and I will be who I've wanted to be. No man is going to hold me back this time.

I got a new tattoo last night that speaks huge volumes about how I'm going to live the rest of my life. Hopefully this picture will upload.

He's the one I couldn't picture living without. He's the one who stole my breath away, and stole my heart. He's the one who watched me transform from a girl into a woman. He's responsible for a lot of who I am today. He was my best friend, my confidante, my lover. My everything. How could he have been so blind? I messed up and made a lot of mistakes, but so did he. I'm not excusing my actions though. I was the best wife I knew how to be. I did a lot of changing specifically for him, and he never saw it. He could never accept my love. Shame for him.

Call me dumb, call me what you may, but I miss him. The good, non-psychotic side of him that I thought loved me. It doesn't take much more than beating a woman to tell her with your actions that you don't love her. I wonder if he ever did. I often wonder why he even married me. I keep thinking about all of the good times that we shared, and I realize that this is why battered women wind up staying with their man. They hope to God that it won't happen again, and that the good times will come back, and they will be happy again. I'm not one of those women. I'm not going to cave just because he says he's sorry. Even if he proved that he was sorry, I still will never be with him again. In time, my body will heal, but this will always be in my mind, and unfortunately, I will probably take this out on another man who actually cherishes me. I will try not to, but that's just how the human mind works. I want someone here with me. Just to sit with me and talk. I do not want sex. I do not want another relationship, but I would like a friend, or a few, that are respectful enough to treat me like a lady. It's going to be awhile before I allow myself to be open to getting hurt again.

I must say. My mama didn't raise a victim. My husband is now in jail for attempted murder towards me.

What do you do when your heart is so broken that you can barely breathe, yet you can't stand the sight of him? You love him, yet loathe him. You can't picture yourself with anyone but him, but you don't want him anywhere near you. I don't get it.

Well, for those of you who have been following me the past couple of years, it looks like I'm getting divorced. A few mistakes on my part, and loving someone too hard...this tends to happen.

Ah, finally got my account back. It's good to be back. I'll update this more later.

Valentine's Day...hmph. His parole date is November 11, 2011. Actual discharge date is December 1, 2012. I'm not in high hopes for anything on this anymore. I still love and miss him dearly, I am just getting so incredibly frustrated with this situation. ~sighs~ as usual, we shall see how and where this leads.

On another note, I am going to see him again next weekend. I've also got the flu right now. Working on eating pickles to help get rid of it faster. It's a brutal method because it irritates the hell out of my stomach, but the pickle juice also helps to bring down the fever and cleans the blood. Maybe I won't even feel the flu effects tomorrow.

Well, I guess having no money for a calling card is a pretty good reason to not call, lol. I have got to see my husband twice so far, and I am planning another trip to see him on the 14th. I can't wait! He is such a wonderful man, and if it's possible, I fall even more in love with him every day. I can't wait for his release so I can hold him and spoil him. I miss him soooo much!

My husband didn't call me yesterday. He'd better have a good reason for that. I spent the majority of my day nursing a hangover, cooking, and cleaning. The whole entire day really sucked except for the half hour that my children spent opening their presents. They really didn't get much, but their excitement was enough to relax me of my depressed state and watch in awe as they eagerly opened their presents and saw the looks on their faces on each one. My 4 yr old was so grateful for everything he got, and my 15 month old's eyes. Omg, I can't even explain. Just magic in his eyes. He knew exactly how to open his presents and exactly how to thank me with his facial expressions. My boys are enough to make every single struggle I'm having worth every headache, every amount of pain I'm in, and every time I get knocked down. So worth it.

I finally got to see my hubby on the 19th...day before my bday. I was so stoked. Almost nothing could've ruined that moment for me except for my getting in a car wreck before I went to see him, in a vehicle that wasn't even mine, and the cop gave me a $200 ticket for "unsafe backing onto a highway". It wasn't a highway. It was a poorly cared for street and I slid on fucking ice. What a peach. Anyway, got to see my hubby, so happy. But now I'm spending this Christmas without him. I knew this was going to happen, but I didn't fully prepare myself for it. I got a punch to the gut in the realization that I'm really alone this holiday. He's really not here. This freaking sucks. I've been drinking all night and I'm still not really feeling it. Numb, that's about all I feel. Apparently I was talking suicide earlier. I don't quite remember that, but I do understand how I would wanna do it. Man, this sucks. I want my husband to hold me. That's all I want right now and I will be totally content. Instead, I have to work full time, go to school full time, be a full time mom, and still try to maintain my sanity. How do single mothers do this shit?

My baby gets out July 27th, 2011!!!! I am so freaking excited. I'm going to try to move to Iowa in the next week. I'm completely alone here, and I just can't make it by myself. I have a roommate in Iowa who is more than willing to help me out until either tax time, or until my hubby gets out of prison. I can't wait to see her either. It's been a couple of years and I miss the hell out of her. We were out of touch for awhile and picked up right where we left off like no time had passed at all. I'm working on selling a lot of my stuff so I have the money to go. I'm even debating selling my car and just driving the uhaul up there. My roomie said I could use her van until I got another vehicle, so that would work well too. I do believe this is my lowest point ever, the only place to go from here is up. I hope. I love new chapters because I'm always eager to see how they'll end.

The Christmas tree is up, the presents are bought. Now I just need to save money to move closer to my husband. I can't wait to see my baby again. I miss him so much! To everyone, cherish your partner/wife/husband/lover. When they're gone, no matter the situation, it's brutally lonely. It's the worst feeling in the world. Just cherish those you love. Also, it's best to find out who your true friends are now before something happens when you REALLY need them. Same goes for those in your family. Find the ones who will never abandon you. This is the most important step you could take. Much love to all and thank you to those who've been supporting me and by my side throughout all of this nonsense.

Plea bargain accepted!!! And I just got a job as a cna!!! Man, I'm so freaking happy right now I could scream!

I came up with a new tattoo idea. I'm going to put it on my shoulder, a knife stabbing into my back, and under it, one simple word. "Mommy"