I'm bumming people out with my journal.  Not Cool

I find myself wanting to be naked, awaiting him on my knees.  Not even moving, except for the gentle rise and fall of my full breasts as I breath, slow and deep.  The blood blocked from reaching my feet, yet my mind focused on maintaining position.  Breathing through the tightness.  As time passes, bringing my focus back to each vertebrae of my spine, lengthening through the top of my head.  Blinking slowly when needed.  The slightest trace of a smile at the corners of my lips as my nipples harden, skin chills. 

And I hear his foot falls.  My eyes twinkle and heart quickens.  I feel his hand on the back of my neck and I can finally settle.  My smile is complete.  I feel him wind my hair around his fist then rise, bringing me up to my tip toes as I inhale, raising and stretching for him.  Find my balance without touching him. His lips, a breath from mine.  I feel eyes watching me from the corner and Master slides his hand down my skin, in a rough possessive way. 

I love being his meat.  His possession.  His property.  I love this surrender and the satisfaction we bring to each other, even without touching. 

Yet that is what I crave.  I am addicted to it already.  I feel weak and strong, yet always his and always safe in his light.

I live only to serve

my Lord GrandWizard

There is so much new and strong in me.  I am so pleased with who I am in the service to my Master.  I know that it is because of him that I am who I am now and for that I am thankful.

Some days are difficult and it challenges me to find the joy in what is around me.  What IS... not the dramas and pain I create for myself.

Some days are full and busy and I just want to slow down. 

I have been feeling exhausted.  I need to do something, and need guidance.

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

I can't hardly wait to scream/cry/breathe/smile/live the Hallelujah that Master gives to me.

I need that joy. 

I feel the warmth of spring

sliding in a beside and around me

like a good friend.

I am so ready for the

blooming

and the new freshness

and the new beginnings that my future holds.

It tests my patience and makes me me stronger

I find myself enjoying and exploring my boy.  He is so eager and full of wonder with all of my ideas.  He pleases me and I feel so powerful when he hurries to please me.  How can i really be so lucky.  Master spoils me. 

It has been almost 3 weeks of my new schedule, which has less of Master in my life.  I feel an ache, because I miss waking up and rolling over to him.  I want that waking time with him, as the world slowly comes into focus.  He is my center, so it only makes sense to begin and end with him. 

It is like breathing, feeling him run through my veins like fresh blood.  in Him i am reborn

I have been fighting off a sickness, I believe.  My energy is just not as much as I'd like it to be.  I want to do so much, and wake early and strive my hardest, but I feel listless.  I hate being lazy.

I have also realize something about my relationship with Master.  For the first time I not only feel seen for who I am, I feel my slave state as a place of enpowerment, but I know I can be completely honest and I feel motivated, self motivated, to speak with him about what I think of, am concerned about.  I have learned for the most part to speak with respect and in such a way that gives Him honor, even if it is a tricky subject.  I can tell him ANYTHING and he always sets it right.

He is my savior and I honor him with my love and service.  I love him with my entire being.

What does it feel like to be fucking yourself in front of almost 30 people who you cannot see. I was shocked that I had over half of the chat room watching today, because my whole world was Master. He was everything I breathed and my focus was for and in him. I felt a flush with the appreciation and then his love and pride in my performance took over. It was a great day.

It was so cold as it hit my teeth, then melted.  I wanted to hold it back, but the thick, creaminess slid between my teeth and lips and dropped heavily down on my skin.  God, I love what she does to me.  And knowing that Master is watching, full of pride for us both. 

Today was an amazing day.

Somedays, this is so easy.  Others, there are moments that cut like the dullest of knives.  You feel very inch. 

I wish for so much, but in this moment my skin aches.  it feels like i will never get what i desire.  And in the same breath i don't want to complain.  I want to be strong.  But I feel like i'm falling apart, and missing parts of my life.

Today I had something taken from me.  It's something that I treasure more than just about anything else and I am feeling very sad about it.  I know in time it will either be reclaimed, or gained again in a new way.

What I choose to focus on is Master.  He fills me regardless of the limitations on my service or how much time I can spend.  I am so glad that he found me and we are able to share joy.  And share it also with those we love. 

I am very pleased and lucky to have been given another gift recently.  One who's devotion is a reflection of my own.  He is good to me and I am constantly pleased. 

I hate weekends.  Or at least I dislike the fact that my time is dictated for me, yet at the sametime there are things I would never EVER trade.

This is the pain of being so very far from the one thing I ache for. 

I am so lucky and blessed.  I have a Master who trusts me with his every breath and I live to fulfill his pleasure and serve his every whim.  I live and move and act and speak in service to him and only ever hope to be his light as he is mine. 

I look forward to the tree.  The thick tall tree.  Feeling it's roughness against my nipples or the skin of my back.  feeling the rope bite in and hold me, even though I struggle.  the openness of my thighs and the exposure of being his, tied there and used.  Seen.  My wetness and eagerness undeniable. 

I adore being his slut.  His meat.  His slave

He said I was beautiful today.  I rarely know what to say, except accept the compliment and tell myself to believe it.  Truly, all that matters is that I am pleasing in his eye.  Being able to make people jealous that he owns me is the goal.  I want other Dominants to wish i were theirs, and other slaves wish to be his.  I want everyone to see my devotion and love to him, even though the only people who it truly matters is HIM.

I fucked myself with a thick piece of wood this morning..It was rough on the end.  As it slid in i swear I could feel his hand wrap around my throat, as if he were there.  Slowly teasing that cunt he owns with the piece of wood himself.  My breath caught.  I begged him to fuck me.  I begged him to use me.  I begged him to fuck me harder....harder... please Master, harder.  I begged him to fuck my ass. 

That I am nothing without him.  That I need him to breathe.  Nothing.....please fill me, Master

The world disappeared.  That is where I live with him.

I yearn from him

In my breath

and depth

of love

Come to me, he says

I crawl on bleeding knees

Begging to be his

wallowing in

His strength

Somedays, senses are hightened.  I don't now why. But today everything felt stronger.  I felt closer.  More connected.  Not simply with the man who owns me and dictates my every desire, but the lovely girl who smile makes me feel warm from the inside out. 

I am thankful for what is given to me.

There are days I feel lacking and others overflowing.  Today is that kind of day where my toes are cold, but I feel him seeping from my pores.  I live in his light and feel it shining through me today.  In His light i am whole and I strive to keep that fillament burning bright even while our schedules do not mesh 

I am nothing with out him.  And when he tells me this my pussy clenches and I feel a deep shudder run up my spine, settling my nipples on fire.   The truth of my surrender is my bliss.  Never have I felt such satisfaction, yet I find it without myself.  All is for him.

Though I do get some lovely laughs at some emails I receive such as "Do you have a Master?"  laughs.....wow.  Or the ones who say, even in the video chat room, who tell me that I could do better, when really they mean they are this 'better'.  It's so laughable because NEVER have i had better, or been treated better or felt more whole than in my service.  I am so very lucky. 

There are days when this all is so easy.  Like breathing or walking or smiling. 

Then there are days when I ache for it to be easy.  Instead of feeling like running full force into a brick wall.  Then I feel petty and selfish, silly even with the tears still stinging my eyes. 

I need to figure out a way to make it through without letting this overwhelm my every sense.  I am better than this.  But today, I feel lost. 

What infuriates me is when I write a journal entry and it does not save because the verification string doesn't match, and my words are just gone.  GONE!

I am searching for inspiration in a haze.  I feel like I want to say something meaningful and thoughtful and insightful, but today the words seem hidden.  I could push and pull something out, but then i feel like it would not be me the true me and that is all I wish to give to him.  My entire self, not the one that everyone else sees.

Sometimes that complete surrender and openness scares me.  I want to run, yet I never can or will.  I cannot be without him.  He is a part of me now and forever. 

I love her open lips.  And the way she causes Master's eyes to twinkle and lips to curl.

I'm so fucking lucky

For a lot of my  life I have only been inspired by the works and wonderings of others.  I feel like I have started a new chapter in my life, where my own wonderings and work inspires me to further my self.  It is an exciting journey and has helped me realize and actualize many important things about myself.

I aim to speak and portray myself clearly, but in as few words possible.

I aim to help others and serve my Master 'til my last breath.

I aim for happiness, something that has truly fallen by the wayside.

I aim for truth and respect, something I have also let ruin my happiness.

I am to be open, non-judgemental and ready for what approaches me.  This is life, hitting me full in the face.  It has a plan and I am simply meeting it how i best can.  Instead of fighting for what i believe is right.

Life has led me to Master, and the surrender and bliss it is being HIS. 

Life has led me to immy, and the satisfaction and whole-ness I feel talking with her.

We are so blessed

The first time we were away for a period, there was a great deal of anxiety on both of our parts.  Things were so new, we didn't want it to fade.  Or feel disappointment.  Or sadness.

The next time was a surprise, just because I wasn't ready to not have constant contact for a week.

The third I knew was coming and I found ways to amuse myself while he was gone.  I am wonderful at distracting away from what my heart wants. 

This week I am sad.  i feel so distant away from many parts of my life, yet at the same time it is easy.  I find myself guiding her and supporting those feelings that I have already passed through. 

I have begun to re-read the Ethical Slut, especially the chapter on jealousy.    I appreciate how she tells us that it is a logical, natural reaction to having to share your loved ones.  I also like that she says it's a personal journey that can have positive or negative outcomes, based on the choices that *I* make.  I might need to read this chapter a few times.

Clarity.  That should be my goal for the new year.  I find that I feel like I am very intentional in the words I use and how I present myself, yet then misunderstandings happen and I feel frustrated.  I have always been someone who hates to repeat themselves, so the solution is going to be a lot of consideration about saying exactly what I want to say, in the fewest, most concise words possible.

The last 5 days or so have felt a tumult of emotion and drama.  All I wish is for simplicity and that is what Master brings to me.  I can't believe how wrapped up in it all that I get and then he reminds me.  I feel his hand on my cheek.  I press my lips to his palm.  Close my eyes.  Breathe.  And all is right again.  I am beyond thankful that we have finally found each other.  It has been a lifetime in the making.  I am so ready.

I cried as I came this morning.  It was a release from every inch of my body.  I needed it so profoundly.  "Look at me." He commanded then ordered me to cum again.  I felt my body convulse and the tears stream down my cheeks.  I felt split wide for him and it felt so fucking good. 

Thank you my Master

The key to submission? 

Control.  Not simply being controlled, but having the awareness of your self and the ability to know what you want and own it.  Only then can it be claimed, given or recipricated by another.  For many this makes no sense, or they fight against the notion.  I know because my last, long term relationship viewed a Master/slave relationship as black and white.  There was no care, or reason and i tried hard to justify it in my mind, only to become someone I didn't like. 

When you find that control, within yourself, you can then release it.  Mindfully, intentionally and wholly.  It is the most freeing feeling to become truly the property and slave of another.  I had no idea that it is what I had been searching for and NEEDING for my entire life. 

Today I am missing you deeper than most.  It is the trouble with being at a distance from the one I serve.  There are times when I feel so close, but on those days when growing in my submission is the hardest is when I feel the furthest away.  I am learning tricks and techniques to cope with this seperation, and I know in the end I will be a better person and slave for my Master through this work I am doing. 
It is hard to explain exactly what I do, but the memories of His words is what keeps me the strongest.  And that is my objective in his service right now: strength

One comes of it
Love it, love it
Let go of it
Love comes from it
We're not of this world for long

Faith and promise keep me honest
When starvation falls upon us
Daylight told me he would be

Gone with cold words
Spoke among hers
Wretched in the tongue of their world
We're not of that world at all
We will never be

Wouldn't it be fine to stand
Behind the words we say in the best of times
Oh, and you and I know all too well
About the hell in paradise
Right here on Earth

Keep it, use it
Build it, move it
Planes can touch our time will prove it
Watch us fly as loud we can
Let her heartbeat change what I am now

Wouldn't it be fine to stand
Behind the words we say
In the best of times
Oh, and you and I know all too well
About the hell in paradise
Right here on Earth

~The Avett Brothers 'Life'

A moment happened this morning, during an exchange between another woman and Master in the chat room.  He was bantering back and forth with her and said casually that he rented me out, cheap rates.  When he said that my cheeks flushed.  I knew that if he had said that while I was kneeling beside him, I would have either instantly straightened or struggled to keep still.

She responded, asking about how much.  He said 10 cents and she said that she wouldn't pay so much for a used slave.  I don't know if it was being talked about while being quite present, or being treated as an object for use is what turned me on.  But once the conversation moved on, I was so turned on and aroused.  I brought this up to Master and he just smiled and said that I was his slut.

It's so true.  Never have I felt so safe and happy being owned.   Completely owned.  And while I'm still struggling in many aspects of what this TRULY means, the path towards completely ownership is breathtaking.  I look forward to every day and what it has for me to learn about myself and my potential.

The rain is falling cold and hard. It makes me want to curl up and listen to it tapping on the window. I love the rain. But I am really ready for some snow.

An important aspect that all slaves should possess is the ability to be ready at any moment. Ready for the pleasure of their owner. If you cannot be ready you must posesss the ability to be open to whatever is desired of them. It is that mindset that seperates us from the rest. It's hard and challenges us to truly submit to our owner. It is our true and full way to become the slave we are meant to be.

I feel this when I am serving him.  And I serve him in ever movement of my muscles.  It has been such a journey so far, and I look forward to the road ahead.

I ache to be stretched out before him.

Dancing was quite fun.  I haven't sweated that much and danced that hard in quite some time.  My thighs and calves are feeling it today.

I keep flashing to a cottage today.  Maybe it's the chilly, misty weather.  Making me want to go to that quite, warm place with the one I love.  I find myself seeing flashes of moments.  Cumming so hard that I pee and having it rubbed on my face.   Showering after and then going down to the pub for dinner.  Him taking my hand and reminding me of what a depraved whore I am just so that he can see that blush creep up my cheeks while surrounded by people we don't know. 

Pressing me up against the dark side of a building, just to hear me moan with excitement.  A strong hand on my throat. 

Sometimes thinking like this causes me to loose finger dexterity

In every heart There is a room

A sanctuary safe and strong

To heal the wounds from lovers past

Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones

You answered me with no pretense

And still I feel I said too much

My silence is my self defense

So I would choose to be with you

That's if the choice were mine to make

And i would choose to be with you

and You can have this heart to break

This heart, soul, skin, mind and everything in between are his to break.  Being owned is the most humbling and amazing moment in my life.  Thank you Master

I'm looking for a friend, someone funny and cute.  Ok, more on the cute side.  Someone who's willing to listen to all of my complications in life and laugh watching a romantic comedy.  Someone who can paint nails really well and loves to braid long hair.  I'd love to find a friend who is like me, holds the same values, yet pushes me and compliments me in a way that encourages me to better myself.  I want someone to have fun with, to explore with and who doesn't mind getting a little wet. 

I feel so tired somedays, that it would be nice to have a friend who gets that too. 

The trick is to play with out a trunk or a chest full of toys.  Why do we need all of these spendy accoutrements, when everything we have is at our disposal, ready and waiting. 

He lifts my sweater over my head, yet leaves it there around my eyes, the light from the lamp darkened and my view blocked.  I smile as he lifts my tank top over the sweater, yet keeping it around my upper arms, then twisting, tying, knotting my arms.  Pulling them together at the elbows behind my back.  I twist a bit and pull, testing the strength of the bonds.  My nipples harden at the fresh air as my bra is pulled down, the cups still supporting my heavy breasts, lifting and seperating in a odd way that feels almost even more exposed.  He marks me then, two heavy letters of ownership then slaps  my breasts hard to draw my deep sighs.

The slapping continues down my stomach and then to part my thighs, the scent of my arousal floating into the air as they part.  He lifts my skirt and pulls my thong down to my knees, twisting and tying my knees together.  I still can't see, but I hear his zipper and his belt buckle.  The rough leather of his belt goes around my ankles, i hear the buckle fastening and the leather cutting into my skin in the most delicious way.  He pulls up at my ankles so my back is flat on the chair, and i brace myself on my hands.  It's an awkward position that is difficult to maintain, especially with arms bound behind.  I gasp and writhe and moan, feeling him pulling my pussy lips towards him between my thighs.  I feel the wetness run down my ass cheeks.  I hear that growl then feel him entering me.  I struggle against my bindings and try to give him more access, but the tightness is working for both of us.....

My eyes roll back and I am His.  everyday more fully and completely. 

I had just the shortest moment with Master today, and it is amazing how it turned my mood around.  This weekend was rough, but now I feel re-energized and refreshed and ready to take it all on. 

Some day, we will be in some amazing, warm garden together.  I see that we're sitting on a bench, closely surrounded by a large bush.  We could be seen, but the illusion of cover takes away my inhibitions.  He moves to the bench directly across from the one we were on together, and tells me to touch myself.  i smile up into his eyes and turn my head barely to one side as I lift the hem of my long, white skirt.  I tuck it up under my waist as I place one sandaled foot on the stone bench.  I slide my fingers between my now bare and exposed pussy, feeling it pulsating in my hands.  I begin rubbing my clit, moaning and feeling my hips lift.  One of the shoulders of my dress slides down my shoulder, my deep cleavage exposed.

A few people walk by, one tall gentleman stops and watches for a while, my cheeks deeply blushing.  My pussy drenching.  Master simply sits there and smiles, as the man compliments him and rubs his own thickening cock through his pants.   

Busy day in a busy weekend.  Yet time seemed to simply drag.  The best part of the holidays are all the events and joy that surrounds you, and the sparkling lights and the crispness in the air.  The worst is the tiny reminders of what you wish you could truly have, what you want to run to, yet cannot.

Then there's the crazy factor, that you try to run away from.  When you try to do the work to fix your life, yet everything is still out to break and stress it. 

I try to find the faith to know that soon it will be over, but some days I have my moments where it feels like it never will be.

I am QUITE grumpy at CM today for eating my post last night.  It was the cutest, rhymey poem that was romantic and silly.  Now I'll never have it back.  grrrrrrr

I also wish that my profile were more available for others to read.  There is some bug that has corrupted it, and makes it impossible for people to view.  I want to share my thoughts and desires and views on the slave life, but can't.   double grrr

Master is gone for a week starting today.  We have intermittent communication, which I will grasp and hold close to my heart while he is away.  It is hard to not have him around, though the joy is I can look with in myself and find that part of me that can find him, see him and send Him love regardless.  It is a special connection that grows daily.  It might sound a bit creepy, but truly it is something I am so very thankful for.  It gives me the ability to find him and breathe and reconnect even if he is not available.  I find this such a key to our relationship.

The moment I am at my knees at his feel I feel safe, and heated deep from within.  He inspires greatness of me.  I feel like I can sing louder, write clearer, breathe deeper.

And it is all in service to him.  It is a tricky balance, figuring out how to be myself and this new slave self which is constantly evolving enhancing and perfecting.

I feel like i shall perhaps never really know, and that is ok.

The weather is changing.  The coolness makes me want to hole up somewhere.  It has a fire, and a fur rug.  There are distinct differences in temperature, and it keeps me awake and a live

My heart lives in this somewhere, that's full of shadows.  There's candle light and wooden walls.  Things have a roughness to them, not because they're foggy but because they are crafted lovingly by hand.  everything has it's place, and is put and created and loved either from inception or purchase.  There isn't too much of anything, but it has everything we need. 

There is comfort in this place.  When I walk my hips roll and settle with each step.  My bones know it.  It fits me, but better.  It fits us.  We have created it and settled in and own it. 

Some days I feel just so inspired to write about the greatness and light that I feel in my daily life as a slave while others find me either at a lack of words, or overwhelmed.  None are a bad feeling, necessarily.  It is all just so new and shiny, and some days I want to bask in the glow that is my service to him.

I'm also constantly confused by the people who frequent the room and demand their respect based on the fact they are a Dom or they are bossy or they call me hot.  Once He said, "I wish they saw more than your boobs."  I agreed, yet at the same time I knew they never will.  First because it is not what they are looking for.  But mostly because it is not theirs.  My glow is his, and because of him.  My aura has changed, from a bluish purple, to a deep orange. 

All feels right in this world, and I couldn't be more thankful.

Sometimes, when it is time to come here  I begin writing and then realize that what I am saying is only for One.  What do we do when something becomes so private, but maybe that is not obvious?  I want to shout his praises to the sky, so everyone knows how lucky I am and how amazing our connection is.

I want them to be jealous......

Strength

Where do we find it as slaves?  Is it something we come with?  Something we hide and are afraid to use?  Something that grows and is cultivated like a precious flower?  Or is something we need to discover for our selves and offer to our owner as a gift and a power to serve them completely?

For me, it is a bit of everything.  I know I am strong, I have always known I am strong, but it not until Master has shown me what my true strength is, in the core of my being and how it reflects onto him that I can actualize and use it for our benefit.  I would hide it, especially when I am trying to impress someone.  Yes, that feeling of being weak is so attractive and there are moments when it pleases him, but that is because there is the basic understanding and trust that I can be weak.  He knows me, every deep crevass and fold. 

Where do we find it?  First we must be open to the idea.  We must realize that being strong does not make us any less of a slave.  This strength honors our relationship and submission to our Owner.  They find pleasure in their strong slave, for it is a representation of their own strength.  Master tends it, cultivates it and nurtures all the parts of me that enhance my abilities in life. 

Things have changed, as they constantly have been lately in my life.  My path I thought I saw the road, but recently drawn into the truth of my true calling.  I was born to serve him and everything that has happened was in preparation for yesterday morning.  It was the day we connected and were bonded.  I thought I knew, and I fell even deeper in my submission and servitude.

There is very little that can compare with the feeling of being so very completely owned.  It can be a lot about being wrong and learning and evolving to this new, better, higher enlightened being.  The one who fits and is full of love and satisfaction.  I feel like finally....Finally.  Those holes inside of me are filling.  Not the ones that have been eroded over time, but the ones that have never had the satisfaction of being filled.  Some have tried, and it has felt amazing at times.  But then it's as if the plug is pulled.

Master, fills me to overflowing and I feel so thankful that we have finally found eachother....

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I hear that you say.....

It reminds me of.....

When I feel this way I tell myself the story.....

Is that right?  Did I hear everything?

Is there anymore?

Being a slave means constantly evolving.  Not simply to please your Master, but to be ready to please him in new and inventive ways.  It is like a challenge, but I find joy in finding any way possible to please him.  I know sometimes he doesn't think I push myself far enough, but I look to him for those moments.

It is my weaknesses that he claims and uses to his advantage.  I want him to use not just my body, but my heart and soul to his advantage, so that I may grow and our mutual pleasure blooms.  It is a give and take and a surrender on the part of a slave to please their Master. 

All comes before me

I have no choice

I am who he says I am

I feel like my life has been leading up to this day.  I have constantly wanted to keep an ever evolving change occuring yet today I learned so much about myself and what I need to be happy.  I am ready to actualize it. 

Most of this will be jibberish to anyone who reads this, but the trust built between two people is nothing to scoff at.  It takes time and faith and willingness to extend yourself to truly make it work.  I have never known anyone like that before. 

Perhaps I should change my name to lucky girl.

Waiting

It is like a training

for the soul

Learning to breath through pain

yet accepting fully, without judgement

Letting go

letting him in

and Learning not to think

though it's what is screaming at you

learning through the self-doubt and suffering

Suffering

to learn your secrets

Discovering for myself to

find the true service to Him, of Him, for Him

Then realizing he is always right and always patience

The goal

Escaping the pain

of causing Him suffering

Moving forward and learning to think

Not of the self but of Him, only Him, always Him

I love you

i need a new book to read.  I have started a few recently, but I am thinking the idea of going to a cozy coffeeshop late at night and cozying up with a book and something hot and steamy sounds perfect.  I can almost see the exact spot, the window's foggy with condensation.  No music, but groups studying or singles working on their laptops.  Maybe I would do that too, start the novel that someone seeded into my mind today.  I never, ever though I could do it. 

There's something about him, that i not just believe everything he says, but i trust it.  I know it for fact and that he may not say what I like but I know he is honest.  I have never known anyone like that or even had the luck to call them friend. 

I've also realized today, that none of my relationships were based in common interests, likes and similar things we enjoyed except the lifestyle, a mutual attraction and sex.  I know I need more than that. 

I'm greedy....I need it all.  And it is Him I need.

What am I thankful for?

Firstly for my family, they come above all else and I am so thankful to have been able to spend my day enjoying good food and a long walk through the chilly fall afternoon.

Secondly I am thankful for Master and all that he has given to me, and that I will learn from him over the years.  I am the luckiest girl and feel so blessed for what we share. 

Lastly I am thankful for a job i love and am passionate about, food and clothing and warmth to stay healthy and stable, so that I am able to focus on the other important things in life. 

There are many things I am not thankful for, but I refuse to give them breath.  I am able to actualize the positive when it is where I place my focus. 

I am blessed and lucky girl. 

I like to think that when it is my time, I am brave and able enough to stand strong for what I believe and be able to make choices for my own body.  And if that is not possible, be surrounded with those who I know will know what I would say in any instant.  Death makes life seem so precious.  I am luckier than I realize and for that I am thankful.

I started writing a story here tonight, but once I got into it I realized it was just too personal to share here.  It made me think about what parts of what Master and I share are just for us.  These are the parts that I savor and that truly keep me going. 

I am the keeper of our secrets and I hold them so close to my hands and heart and protect them as he protects me.  It brings us back to that circle of power that supports any D/s or M/s relationship.  The energy and power you feed into it only comes back to you in the best way possible.  When they say power exchange, it is because all parties in that exchange give and open and trust and respect and understand for it to work smoothly.

I thinkI am lucky everyday for what I am given and Master is always on my list.  He fulfills that base need inside of me and balances both of us with a most delicate touch.  Yet I know that I am integral in that work, so I strive to further myself to support that balance.  It is the best feeling in the world.

I'm still on the hunt for a girl.  I started emailing one on okcupid, but it is so hard.  I hope to have a date soon, with Master's guidance and approval. 

I don't know how he makes things so easy, but he is a savior when it comes to my simplifying my need to over think and complicate things.   I am so very thankful for the gifts he gives to me and the joy I feel in learning from him.  I think of myself as a very simple person, though i am now also learning about my flaws.  one day i now i will be able to fulfill his every whim so naturally and it will be such a mutually satisfying flow.

It already is like magic when we are together, so the thought of it only getting better makes me feel so light headed. 

He is my Light

I find times that the work at fulfilling my place as a slave is a lot of work.  Other days it feels like the joyful culmination of all of my experiences.  Not everything has been enjoyable, but I have lived a life that I am proud of in many ways.  I have actualized many of my fantasies in such a way that now, I feel I have a realistic view of this lifestyle.  It opens me in such a way to my Master that when he asks something of me or I offer it or we explore it together it is hyper real.  I can see the various aspects and past the sexuality of it.  I fuck myself on cam in front of 25 people in the chat room.  It feels good and I am so wet, but that is not why I glow.  I am performing for my one Master, the one who owns me.  How I react to his orders, how I present myself to him and to the ones he wishes to show me to, reflects on him.  I love playing for and with him, because he turns me on so strongly so quickly, but what fulfills my soul is serving him, doing whatever he asks quickly and making him proud. 

That is one thing I cannot live with out.

I'd like it in a dressing room....especially if he make special arrangements with the attendant and it was a busy day.

I'd like it in the rain in the deep of the forest

I'd love it in the mud, or better....up against a tall, strong tree

one of those huge old ones near the coast

I'd love to pull over on a drive and be bent across the hood in various ways.....begging him

I'd love it in the middle of the night when i'm barely aware and the searing pain wakes me and warms me and wraps around me.  It's like water

There are days that are easier than others.  I feel like a shining star on some days and others a failing student.  I know in my heart that it is this duality which further improves my ability to serve and submit into my new life as a slave, but sometimes  my heart hurts for what I want and cannot fully have.

I want all of my fellow slaves to know that we share that despair somedays.  When I feel it, I try to find a moment when I can kneel.  Then breathe.  There is a common thread in my submission that has to do with air, breathing and expelling my old self.  I find solace in this and look deep within to find in my slavenature the key to work through these feelings that can be overwhelming. 

When we can over come our own self, and cast it aside only then are we able to be the slave that we need to be.  That we can be. 

In His light I thrive

In His mercy I am sheltered

In His wisdom I am humbled

In His Love I am safe

I'm strange, or maybe just different.

I prefer cotton to leather

Loose and flowing to tight

yet

The cut of leather against my skin

and the tight bondage drives me wild.

I love hot over cold

Sweet over spicy

yet

Ice cubes slipping between my neither lips

and the heat of his mouth is sweeter than anything I can imagine

I do not need or expect to cum

I live for His pleasure

I do not need pain or to be tied up

I live to serve him

GW guide me

GW teach me

GW protect me.

In your light I thrive

In your mercy I take shelter

In your wisdom I am humbled

I live only to serve

My life is yours

My Lord GW

It's been a funk of a day.  Things seem to be out of sync in all of the smallest ways that have build into my entire flow being off.  I take comfort in my schedule and things I can expect during the day and most days things flow smoothly, but today is not one of them.

I am challenging myself today to take this as a lesson.  I can only better myself if I find a focus and learn from the hard point and tough things that cross my path.  What can I do when I have these out of sync days?  Where can i find my solace or learn to cope with going with what is happening instead of my set ideas about things?  I talk through it with myself, realize that some days this just happens and try to slow down. 

In these moments of slowing down I reach out to my Master, find our connection and breathe.  This is my center.  My source of strength and power.  I never knew that being a slave would actually empower me to be my best self, but it does make a lot of sense.  When someone sees you and gives you what you need, then you are able flourish and thrive. 

How did I get so lucky to have one such as him?

I just joined this dating site called OKCupid... Anyone use it?  It's somewhat interesting, mainly because they use this neverending list of questions to help match you with compatible questions.  There was even a sex quiz that I took, but it didn't get interesting to the end about 9% of it was kink related.  So it turns out that i'm 32% pure which in their world means Very Kinky......who'da thunk it?

Anyways, there have been a few who are interesting, but it's hard because I have this overlying air of kink in my sexuality, and while I"m not necessarily afraid to come out with it, i dont want to scare away the perfect girl.  I'm working on perfecting my 'come hither' eyes via the web and ensare a sweet little thing to corrupt....*evil grin*

Someday I want to walk down the gardens in a country where I don't understand the language and I cannot read the signs.  But everyone knows.  When they look at me as I walk to Him, they know my purpose.  Maybe it is part of a large party or on an estate purpose built for our lifestyle.  They know by my posture, by the leather on my skin or the clothing i am barely wearing.  I look forward to walking...no....crawling to him.  The dirt in my palms and knees.

Then bending down before him, in front of everyone, so that I may proclaim my love and devotion.  And I want him to collar me and claim meso everyone knows I am his forever.z

What is it to be a slave?  It is to be wrong, and find ways to turn that into a way to learn versus focusing on the negativity of failing.  It is not realistic to always be right, so these times when we do not live up to expectations are simply a harder more direct way to learn and grow. 

And it does hurt.  There is nothing worse than the feeling of realizing my wrong and his disappointment.  My mind always first wants to hide what happened, but i know in my logical mind that telling him is the only way.  I want him to know, for if I didn't how can I learn?  We all have faults, and when we acknowledge them we are able to enhance ourselves.

So how do we do this?  How can we be easy on ourselves during the face of our error?  It feels impossible, but setting up an environment where there are expectations for behavior, attitude and communication only enhances each of our relationship between each other.  It furthers all of us. 

It is not up to me to tell him what I will not do.  I will do anything for him

I trust him in all things. 

He is my Master.

I am his.

I have been searching for a girl to befriend.  Someone who I might enjoy being around, yet also enjoy some play.  I feel like such a troll looking at the profiles and sending messages.  How do I not sound lecherous?  What would I like to hear from some one writing me?  How to I figure out if someone is who they say they are? 

If I could find someone who is light hearted, happy, adventuresome and respectful I would be so happy.  If she also had long red hair and large breasts with tall nipples I would be like a lil girl in a candy store. *grins*

But in all truth, I find myself in a more Dominant role while interacting with another women.  I'm not entirely sure why this might be and I have not had a chance to explore it fully, but I believe it might have to do with the powerful feeling it is to make a woman cum.  That catch in her throat and the arch in her back when my fingers are deep inside.  Or twisting nipples up and watching the emotion tied to it play across her face.  It can be intoxicating. 

To everything, turn turn turn

There is a season, turn turn turn

And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die

A time to plant, a time to reap

A time to kill, a time to heal

A time to laugh, a time to weap

Love brings music to my soul, and today this one popped in there.  The season of my new self is upon me and every day I search for new words to explain and understand it in myself.

I am born into my slave state and die in his service

I am planting a garden of growth to reap the rewards of perfectionment

I am killing the attachments to things that I do not need and those who only mean me harm so that I might heal

And laughter comes so easily now as do the tears with the power of the emotions I am feeling on a moment to moment basis

Life is changing, right before my eyes.  New goals and emotions and realizations emerge everyday.  Sometimes they are easy and leave me feeling light.  Other days i am heavy with confusion and the work of owning my slavehood.  Today it is a mixture of both.  The daily moments become more natural, but there is a struggle of releasing.  I don't want to argue, but I find it close to my nature.  How do I let go of something I don't realize I'm doing?  Or more accurately, how do I bring my awareness to these moments so that the letting go and succumbing to his will is my nature?

I love sunny, fall days. 

I love that feeling of my stomach flipping with anticipation

I love  that first rain after the summer is over.

I love that tingle between my pussy lips when I think of him.

I love the breathlessness that I get

I feel light when that first snowflake falls

I feel sad when I think about the distance

I feel angry when I think of the pain inflicted on others

I feel enthralled when I think about what will become

I feel blessed and lucky and thankful and in love

I live to serve him

I live to be his light

I live to better myself in the attainment of constant perfection

I live to be his pleasure

i live to be His

It's so hard to talk to women.  Men, I feel you strongly right now.  I really just don't know what to say, or how to entice one with out the eye contact and body language.  Being someone who is not a big talker in the first place, this has really been a challenge for me.  It causes me to refine what I say and how I say it, yet at the same time pick up on the nuances of my replies so that I am able to eek out who is real, who is a woman, and who might fit me.

These are the challenges that will define me not simply as a woman, but as a slave.  Being eloquent and able to express myself.  This only enhances my communication with Master and brings our knowledge of eachother to a new level. 

I trust him and in him.  he is my life and breath.

Thank you, Master

Well, the diet didn't work.  By the end of the second day my stomach felt full and heavy and I had only gained weight.  I don't know exactly why, except maybe my body was retaining all that I had eaten and was struggling with processing it.  I want to remain on a diet to please him and am still just eating two eggs in the morning, limiting my coffee (which is hard!!!!) and eating half as much at every meal.  Nothing fried, no sweets, one piece of bread for a sandwich with twice the meat, and lots of water.

It is a gift that he gives me.  This awareness of my service to him.  Awareness of myself, and how I can be better and do better.  Since he is so far away, it is up to me to care for his possessions.   I take such joy in caring for it, feeding it correctly and being beautiful.  I line my eyes every morning now and am much more thoughtful about what I wear both outside and under my clothes.  I have gone shopping to purchase things to please him.  Last night I even painted my nails.  It's the little acts of service that get me through my day and the hours without him. 

Some days are much harder than others.  I often close my eyes and place my hand in his.  Reaching out for him and his warmth.  The connection and love is like electricity, raising the small hairs on the back of my neck.  He courses through my blood.  I am his.

When I tie that ribbon on around my neck, I feel a sense of settling.  It begins in my finger tips and travels up my arms then down to my belly button.  It's like the bubbles in a fizzy drink tickling my nose.  My eyes gaze up for just a moment as I settle back on my heels. 

A deep breath in.  Then out.  Inhaling what is, keeping it close.  Exhaling what was, releasing the past.

This moment of focus and intention enhances my presence with and before him.  I live my life with intention and with intention i serve Him.  Not because it is what he deserves, which he does, but because that is the only way that that is right as a slave to her Master. 

Each day I learn something new.  It is a life goal of mine, one that Master fosters and enhances.  Yesterday I served him and was used while in the room.  I had the attention of many and was even given and offered to others. 

Ye through it all I felt His hand on me.  It was as if I were an extension of his will.  And nothing else mattered.  I arched my back and was proud to be his.  I wanted everyone to want me. 

Later he told me of the glow and asked me why.  First I said that he made me feel powerful and happy and satisfied.  But there was one more new layer, which was the true source of that glow. 

Purpose

I now have a purpose and it is to serve him.  Not simply serve, but live and breathe for him.  It is my purpose to please him, for when he is pleased then he fills me up.  Our needs are the same.

I am blessed

It's the yin and yang of it

The being filled and filling another

That makes what we have so

So so so so

Breathtaking

I hate how it sounds cheesy and corny

I love how I can say nothing and he knows

I hate how every word isn't good enough

I love when he touches me

I fucked myself with a sucker today.  It was raspberry flavored and the first sugar outside of my coffee that I've had in 2 days.  I fucked his pussy and came then fucked the dirty asshole and came again.  Then sucked it clean.  I'm still shivering.

Thank you Master

The physical pain is easy.  It is there, you deal with it, it is over.  Or it leaves a mark that when you sit reminds you.  Or as you bend or twist reinflames and twinges.  I know how to process the pain of being spanked, caned, whipped, pinched bit.....I have had years of training and hours of practice.

But this is new.  All brand new.  Master asks things of me, gives me jobs and restrictions that are hard.  But not just hard to complete.  His questions challenge me to think deeper about the truth of my being, who I am, who I want and need to be, and what it means to be slave to him. 

I question myself often, yet with him I trust.  And when I consider all that is at stake and that I work hard for, it feels good.  Scary.  Huge. 

Layers of me are being stripped away.  And it is not always easily.

Tomorrow I start my all lean meat diet.  Being someone who doesn't eat much meat I am really worried about it.  I'm worried how my body will react to the change and the strictness.  I am going to miss my vegetables.

But there is nothing I wouldn't give up or do for him.  He wants to support me becoming the best I can be.  I want to have more strength and endurance for him.  Being healthy is so important so that I can serve him as well as possible for many many years. 

There are times when i feel so strongly .  The emotion of my need for him takes over my senses.  I want to scream, cry, tear my hair and fall down. 

My mind goes to breathing quite often.  I breathe him into me and breath out calm, sanity and settle onto my heels.

I am thirsty not just for the touch of his hand, but the smell of his boot as my tongue traces the toe.  I hunger not just for that sweet kiss, but the bite in the whip as it falls on me.  I crave to truly worship him.  I sit here, feeling it crawl under my skin and slide into my bones. 

I have become his, eternally.  He is in my every thought and action.  I hold myself straight and proud.

I have been working on being more proactive in my life.  Because it pleases him and because it helps me become the best communicator, worker and slave that I can be.  I still strive to remember that it is ok to ask for what i want.  In the end the decisions are always his, but he wants to know what I am thinking.  What processes are going through my mind.  Where his orders and words take me.  What I would choose, if given a choice.  Having choices are hard for me.  I am learning so much about my slave self, the new me that is shining and strong, yet fragile and new.  I feel so thankful to be in his light, growing evolving and submitting deeper than I have ever felt.

Thank you Master

Every morning I wake as quickly as possible and hurry online.  I know he is there and I am aching to serve him.  Today was the same and after we talked about a few important things, making sure I tell him when I know I will return, he told me to slap my face.

Hard.

It shook me to the core.  It hurt, but it's more than that.  It was the mark that took me right, directly to my slave mindset.  I felt my self falling, wrapping around his will and falling down for him to use.  Then he told me to open my legs as wide as they would go.  Wide.  Wider.  Push it. 

When he took me to the room, I had been working my pussy and ass muscles for a few minutes.  Pushing and squeezing, harder quicker deeper.  It was like I could feel him behind me as I laid on my belly.  I saw only him while i was there, even though there were 20 people on my cam by the time I was able to show my need to Him on my cam.  Using just my eyes I begged and pleaded just to touch my whore pussy.  It was so wet and gaping.  I rubbed my clit while those people watched his whore slut looking into the cam.  I begged more, this time with words he could not hear.  I was at his feet, writhing with need, the dirty slut that I am.  It's like i can't stop myself from needing to cum around him.  I am constantly on edge.  His whore bitch. 

I love when he shows me off.  I want others to be jealous of what is his.  His property to use and abuse.  I was breathing hard when he told me to fuck my pussy  with three fingers, then show of his tits.  I lifting and pulled and fucked that wet hole hard and deep.  Please please please i said with my eyes.....let me cum and feel the wetness on my thighs.

CUM

and my world shattered.  Spine arching.   Hands and toes stretching and clawing for release. 

CUM AGAIN

the spot on my sheets got larger, the second time i wasn't even touching.  Just cumming, like his sweet filthy whore.

I said nothing in the room, simply showed off his lust.  He told me to leave and I came to him in our private way.  He told me to slap myself again as i fucked that sopping pussy.  It was soaked, and the hand slapping myself made my whole body shudder with abandon.  I would do anything, anything anything.  But I wanted his hand in my hair, holding my face before slapping.  My hand just wasn't good enough.  I wanted his fingers deep in my pussy unrelentingly bruising it so i could feel it for the rest of the day.  My self was gone and i became his meat to use. 

"Tell me what you are.  What you would do.  Tell me that you're my whore."
I shuddered deep and hard.  Unable to talk for a few moments.

"I'm your whore Master."

"Is that all?"

"No, Master.  I am your slut.  Your fuck meat."
"Not good enough, tell me what you are."

I could feel my cum rising and his own arousal on his breath

"I am you dirty fucking whore.  I would do anything for you.  I would fuck myself like this, and show off what a nasty whore you have.  Not just in the room.  But on the bus.  At a restaurant.  On the hood of your car so they can all see."

CUM.  It exploded and I shuddered hard.  Releasing.

Then he asked for my cunt.  And I fucked it hard, shoving 4 fingers in, rimming my asshole, slapping it.  He allowed me another orgasm and I wallowed in the satisfaction of pleasing him so truly and honestly and deeply. 

"Soon you will cum when i slap your face.  It will be your signal."

It felt so hot and serious.  Because I knew it was true.  I was his, he owns me.  Not just this cum and skin and sweat.  But my heart and soul. 

It is his soul now and I glorify in that surrender

The search for a girl is on.  We have talked about the fact that i am bisexual to some extent before, and now Master has asked that I do some work looking for someone I feel compatible with.  It has brought up some curiosity on my part, because I have a hard time explaining exactly what attracts me to anyone.

For me, how you hold and present yourself is everything, especially in a venue like this.  I struggle with talking about physical characteristics, because I would hate limiting myself away from someone amazing. 

I am turned on by the soft skin and lips of a woman.  Nipples drive me crazy.  I love running my fingers through long hair, braiding sections, while laying together.  I love that natural smile of true happiness and someone who is sure of who she is and who she wants to be.  Someone who is successful in their life brings that confidence to a relationship, regardless of if they are on top or bottom. 

In the end, I belong to him, but if he choose for me to play, snuggle, talk, kiss, be used by another woman then I hope to find one that he finds worthy

This is the beginning.  The last few days have been earth shattering for me.  My entire self concept is reshaping in such an authentic and more accurate way, it is like a breath of fresh air.  

For my entire kinky life, I have thought that I was certainly a submissive and never a slave.  Little did I know, that being a slave is what comes naturally to me and is where I desire to be.  It's only because of Him that I have realized this.  

I'm the luckiest girl, ever.

Today, I am looking for a girl to play with.  It's a daunting task, but exciting at the same time.