"A submissive chooses to submit for a set time or under certain circumstances... A slave just is. It has to be."

That's true as far it goes, which isn't very far at all. It's true that to feel like a slave is to give yourself to one unconditionally. But to be a slave doesn't mean being a slave to absolutely anyone and that's where things go awry.

Initial emails demanding paypal tributes will be laughed at and ignored.

True love:

Hmmm an out of the blue email. Kinda brief. I look to see if she checked my profile. Nope. This couldn't possibly be spam, could it? She couldn't possibly send it to 50 people can she?

I put in the funds thing just in case. But surely that's no problem because her motives are pure and her cause is just. She wants me for me...

Gosh I'm torn. CM has this big red sign above messages about not sending money to other users for any reason and conformity is my beat. I'm also kind of shy. I never rented a relationship before. Is it indexed to inflation?

What? It IS interesting. Besides, I don't think people on here care for ambiguity. Lets see you interpret this one. It will tell me so much as we bare our souls.

Hmmm. She seems like a to the point kind of girl. Has that link handy. I don't suppose she is looking for someone to anonymously buy her stuff while she ignores them, right? That would be so undignified. No, clearly the link has a higher meaning. What could it be? The scientist in me craves a testable hypothesis and comes up with one.

Long-time readers know that the internet is the place to come for long term relationships and unshakable bonds formed in the crucible of communication. I felt a need to express myself and show just how deeply her unique approach effected me. Although conflict is inevitable in a relationship, its the nuance and skill with which conflict is handled that will set the tone for the future. 

Plainly she was put off by my response. I guess I should have seen it coming but being a stupid fucking idiot I could be excused from it. Perhaps I should apologize for being so dumb dumb. I tried but she blocked me. I guess  I could send her something off her wishlist and we can be friends again?

I really need to work on my people skills. This relationship only lasted two days.

Valentine's day 2 months too late. Enjoy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qlpVdCzpvl4

One of the things that used to amaze is how people who knew me not at all invited me to live with them. Another, tangentially related amazing thing is how I see people who, while they wouldn't speak to you, know your name, or lay eyes on you on the street will, in a heartbeat, offer/ask/demand that you eat their shit or agree to do so.

I have seen pictures- many pictures- of shit in toilet bowls with signs inviting potential subs to nosh. I have read comments- many comments- of subs offering to do so. I take solace in the fact that nobody who says anything online means a word of it.

Attachment is an odd thing. Sometimes you feel it more strongly when they are not around.

My lousy attitude towards marriage aside, I did almost get married. She and I were together for 8 years which is a hefty chunk of time. There was something spiritual between us that made the downs easier and the ups longer. At some point she decided that God loved her unconditionally (nifty) and thus she no longer needed to do things like take her meds (less nifty).

And that's where it ended more or less until she introduced me to a very common feature of modern relationships, being the very special visitor. Every 6 months or so she'd surface. These appearances were varied. Sometimes I was wonderful. Sometimes I was pitiful. Sometimes I was useful. Sometimes I was all three in the space of a single sentence.

So tonight, I was busy at a synagogue when the re-appearance came. She had evidently hung on to my phone number and because she was cordial and because I evidently never learn, I answered. It was almost New England-like in its politeness and civility. I'm pretty sure it won't stay that way but I'll take it.

I was reading a Dean Koontz book (hey I need my trashy book time) and came to the afterword. This is a book from the 90s and he explained that he published it under another name because it didn't fit with what was expected of Dean Koontz. I can relate and sometimes wish I could publish science stuff under another name because the expectation is that if you write about a topic you will never write about anything else again. The aim is to box you in and manage you so that you are 1) non-threatening and 2) easy to deal with. No need to read the work he submits, just check off the boxes. I can think of someone who did an amazing job with this, writing about a certain linguistic theory (and it is not a bad theory) again and again, year after year and has been doing so for 20+ years. And all that made me think of this pic: http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l9l30ygeR81qe1pw0o1_500.jpg

How very true it is.

The internet is the place where one can become two year younger and have their skin tone change with the click of a button.

Getting to know someone is a difficult process. To truly do it you have to be around them in person. You have to hear their voice, see their facial expressions. It's much too easy to put on a show via the computer. To deliberate for an hour or a day about how to respond to an email or a text. That has its place but eventually plateaus out. To get to the next step, you gotta show up in their personal space where the easy out of turning off the modem doesn't apply.

Of course that presumes you actually want to know the person and want them to know you. Or do you just want to know how you can benefit from a person or what makes you feel good about them?

me: I don't tweet. I shudder at the thought of 399999 followers. So not very ornery sweet puppy like.

I read the profile of a married woman and honestly the way she laid things out sounded tremendously appealing to the part of me that likes boundaries and likes them lots.

Ok so remember this entry?

UPDATED: When I write that I did not respond to her, I meant just that. I have found, through my mother, that nothing pisses off a certain kind of woman- the kind that's a bottomless pit of conflict and insecurity- than to keep a stiff upper lip. So when the lady went off and sent me pissed off messages on facebook and via text, I said absolutely nothing.

Anyway, the lass in question showed up at my front door at one AM about a month ago. "Guess what ____?" she chirped on her cell phone. Now, understand, that between May and late July we have not spoken to each other at all: Not once. No IM's, no texts, no phone, no facebook. Not only did I NOT miss her (I only ever miss two people I have known...well occasionally a third. Over the years I have learned to live with sudden gaps in my life), I never so much as gave a thought to her. So when the phone rang, I had no clue who it was.

Anyways, the first thing that struck me about this arrangement was how unexceptional it seemed to be. Okay, she seemed to convey, I disappeared on you because you wouldn't be my yes-man but look at how nice I am to give you a chance. (She actually uttered the words "I didn't even ask you to pay for the plane ticket.")

I wrote before that age means nothing and one aspect of that is how someone looks. She is 26 and looks it but started showing signs of growing old quickly- from the gapped, slightly crooked teeth to the toneless arms. She happened to show up the same weekend btw that the woman on this site whom I spoke to 3 times came to nyc. No sweat. We can split this baby.

So we hung out at Times Square and in Harlem on day one (which btw did not go unnoticed) and the village on day two. I was having a bit of an out of body experience through it all but was still aware of the fact that she was, shall we say laser focused on the . ("If you really wanted to be with me, you'd have to take me shopping.") Between days one and two I met with the expressive woman from this site whom I briefly mentioned. Naturally I mentioned this to ____ as well and she took it to mean that we had sex, a notion I did nothing to discourage because as she attempted to clean me out while mentioning her ecstacy-fueled escapades, I was more certain than ever that I wanted to have nothing to do with her.

I haven't spoken to her since.

Well if you know anything about sp77's life by now, and damn it you should, you can easily guess what happened. So go on...guess.

Yep, she is back on facebook and friendly as usual. So I thought it was time to bump this entry.

About a week and a half ago I got a random email touting my wonderfulness. This is old news. I'm always abstractly wonderful. :) Anyways the lass and I got to talking and she wanted to meet. Now this was new. People lead comfortable online lives in 2011 and if you ever want to throw a monkey wrench in the proceedings, ask to meet in person. Much wailing and gnashing of teeth will ensue as your imagined attributes will collide with your humanity. How many of you here met with someone offline once? And how many of those met with this person twice? See?

Besides there is an undeniable appeal to sitting in your jammies, eating ice cream and having your ego stroked. Online living is so much more pleasing than life itself. You direct the convo, you set the time and time limits, you can take 30 or 50 seconds to reply- or choose to not reply at all- you can feel the other person out and decide the most important question "What's in it for me?" You can use smiley emoticons without smiling, tell people you love them while they fill a gap in your life, stroke their ego while waiting for the checks to clear. Its a sweet gig.

Anyways, all this intense wonderfulness and desire to get to know me threw me for a loop. (Even I can be thrown for a loop.) There was nothing obvious in it for her. No sob stories, no hospital bills, no husband and unrealized dreams lurking in the background. Nada. Obviously this means she must be a serial killer, and quite possibly a Republican, right? Obviously, a bit of google action is warranted.

So I saw her name on a website that shall remain nameless but one which, if I remember right, I once consulted to see how many sheets of paper can fit into an envelope with one stamp on it. (Six.) The name of the website did not inspire confidence. I didn't read what she did on that site because I'm the gentlemanly sort (except when seized by paroxysms of honesty) and didn't want to pry.

So we met, noshed,chatted, etc. (I'm a gentleman remember?) and I mentioned googling her. This threw her for a loop, which I guess I can understand. It's just that as I get older I get more and more leery of my supposed wonderfulness.

Now this is an ad that gets to the point: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/w4m/2498218997.html

Men need to learn how to ignore beautiful women. Really guys, we do. For example, I saw a beautiful Domme on here. She had a video too. Gorgeous, gorgeous woman. The content of the video? Her, unsmiling, giving the finger. The profile? Well, here's an excerpt:

I am not interested in your sad stories about how you no longer have paypal or don't have paypal right now, or you had an identity theft scare, SHOVE IT! When I say NO EXCEPTIONS, I MEAN EXACTLY THAT!

I deleted someone on one of my so-called "Friends list"s.

Now, normally I'm amazingly slothful in this regard. Other than getting in an anti-social mood and rampaging through my FB "friends" list from time to time, I never bother to do this. My antipathy towards internet relationships has been explored before. I generally couldn't be bothered to give a mouse-sized shit to deal with who is/is not my "friend" this week.

But this was different. I tolerated her trollish ways because she knew better than to target me. But tonight, as my so-called "feed" (It's a feed yes?) was populated with literally nothing but her musings on how real men in Europe are stylish and generous and American men are stupid and stingy, and as she roamed about searching the world (European men/Arab men/men from X...) for a handout, becoming more and more obscene and exasperated, I felt something. I felt polluted. I felt- and this is a feeling I have with greater frequency- that being even in the virtual presence of this....thing.... was like dipping my soul into a toxic waste dump. It's not about her- hell I don't even know her name- but the aura that enveloped her virtual existence. I felt like reaching for a disinfectant.

As I mentioned before, one of my occasional visitors is a lass from Tennessee. We hang out, I enjoy her company, and then she leaves. So she recently visited up north and let me know. I sent her a text with my schedule and later a follow up. As I went about my business, I neither saw nor heard from her. The following week she told me that she had meant to get in touch but was distracted by someone. So I said goodbye and kept it at that. No biggie. Learn children, learn!

Detachment is super healthy.

The internet is magical. It provides the feeling of anonymity without being anonymous. People will say and do anything online and while they think they are hiding they reveal themselves.

I work with a guy who has- at present count- five kids. This puts him in a hair raising position: no sick days for him, no sir. Day after day, even though he has a full time job with benefits, T scours the internet looking for gigs. Unlike many, T has at least learned a thing or two along the way, the most important being that the way someone presents themselves (or the way we WANT TO perceive someone) differs quite a bit from who they are. It's not always outright deception. Sometimes people desperately want to be a certain way and yet will never be.

There are times- like tonight- when I withdraw. When I make a conscious effort to feel, think, hear, say and move as little as possible.

This isn't a bad thing. It gives me peace.

The internet is a marvelous tool for exploring the gap between what something is and what we, through sheer force of will, deceive ourselves into thinking something is.

Deprogramming? Someone talked about that. Apparently it is a way to get submissives to abandon old habits tied to their former Dom/mes. Nonsense. When two people come in close contact, each gives up a piece of themselves to the other. When that contact is broken, each is a little (or a lot) less whole. 

We spoke online once or twice and then had a phone chat. She was extremely theatrical: I thought she may have been drunk but wasn't sure. Later on, she confirmed that she was. I wasn't sure how to take that- me and alcohol have a funny relationship- but you gotta roll with the punches in sp77 land.

And then she said she was coming to nyc and we should grab a drink. Which is dandy. And then she mentioned that she'd like me to buy her a rose. Which is fine. And then she sent me a 50 dollar paypal invoice. Which wasn't fine ad I said so.

I wasn't upset or particularly agitated. More than anything, I felt sad that a woman in her 40s would consider sending paypal requests to strangers to be a viable option. It isn't.

More wisdom from the Devil's Dictionary:

ADORE, v.t.

To venerate expectantly.

People, especially online, are impatient if inadvertently honest creatures.

"I am a superior goddess seeking pathetic little white boys to fork over their money to a real bitch."

Oh boy! Where do I sign up?

Did you notice that this thing has a voicemail feature when sending messages? I just got my first voicemail message from a Domme on here. Five guesses as to what she said within the first minute of that message. This was the second time she sent me a message. She does not know my name and has never seen me or heard my voice.  Your choices:

A) Thank you for your compliment

B) Your profile is interesting

C) Thank you but I am not interested because....

D) Fuck off

E) Buy me a present

The CM Domme Life Cycle

I AM LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT ONE---> YOU DON'T LISTEN YOU DON'T READ STOP SENDING DICK SHOTS--->YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF PATHETIC LOSERS! I LIKE GIRLS NOW---> GIVE ME TRIBUTE!

I used to have a difficult time dividing my heart amongst people but it gets easier. I don't dislike any of the women I speak to. I like them all but keep an emotional distance from each one.

Being submissive is just something you are. Like being a male or having black hair. You don't thnk about it, you don't strive for it (tho you may strive to be better at it) but it's just something that's a part of you.

A Lady is visiting from the Volunteer State. We've met before and had an excellent time so we met up again yesterday. She was accompanied by her female slave, a quiet sort from Baptist East Tennessee, I'd imagine one of the less hospitable spots for lesbians.

Anyways back to the Lady. As I said we met before and since her boyfriend lives in Jersey we'll likely meet again. (And I met the lad just now over copious amounts of lamb.) I like her personality. I like being around her. I appreciate our moments of physical intimacy. But even so, I still think its important to keep perspective.

She has a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a kid, who knows what else. She lives a thousand miles away. I see her every four months. We have an excellent time within those confines. And I think that perspective is what's missing from many on the internet. Many want a full time commitment to sate their emotional emptiness and will lead others down the path of hoping for the same. Its not a healthy way to live.

I wrote this in a recent entry:

"That's when the fun really begins. Did she call you intelligent, tough and so on, lavishing you with hugs and kisses? Well now you're fat and arrogant. Did he call you the ebony princess of his dreams? Well now you're a gold digging _______. Enjoy!"

Now, the thing is, a couple of moments like this will endow a man with a tremendously important skill- being immune to compliments.

Don't get me wrong, compliments are great. Affirmation is wonderful. All humans crave explicit acceptance: a banner that say "you belong." But given that sincerity is in short supply, it is prudent to treat all compliments with a measure of caution. I noted this a few months ago while transcribing another fantastic experience, that time with a woman who inexplicably doted on my supposed wonderfulness and then sought a handout- doing a 180 and screaming insults at me when denied. Which one was more sincere? And, more important, which one is generally more sincere?

What people don't understand is that you can't put the genie back in the bottle. A few have tried. "Oh sp77 I didn't mean that you really were _______ and ______..... I was just sooooo upset." Well, yes, you were upset. And in being upset you discarded the carefully built facade and let loose with some honesty. Which is appreciated. But now that its out there, you can't undo it.

So compliments are nice. I'm not advocating being a dick and saying "yeah right. You're just saying that because you want something from me." (Well sometimes, when its really really obvious, you can because you have nothing to lose.) But generally no. I AM advocating that you stop yourself from getting all gooey and emotional and thinking "wow s/he thinks I'm ______!" Because chances are you'll learn what s/he really thinks not long after the compliment.

This amused me.

Reality check: My submissive needs to stay in touch with me throughout the day. He will email me first thing when he wakes up every morning. He will call me at his break and lunch times. He will spend several evenings each week with me. He will attend munches and play parties with me, as well as vanilla activities.

One of the reasons I tend not to open up is because many can't resist the temptation to put away what they learned for a rainy day and throw it in my face. This goes double for s/m.

I'm not too thrilled with the idea that once you have put me through hell, once I have emptied out my wallet, patched up your psychic scars, put on a show for you- there may be a jar of cookies at the end of the rainbow.

Understanding is better when it leads to desired results Most things are, be they respect, love, compassion, friendship..... Or, to put it in internet terms, if there is no money or nookie in it, most are not interested.

Most people treat each other online like an object, a fantasy or a commodity. An object for times of need or amusement, a fantasy of what one thinks they want from someone or what they'd do to someone and as a commodity not only in the sense of financial potential (that's old hat) but emotional potential too: someone/thing to lean on, utilize, gain from.

Because of this, many- men in particular- are not especially picky. Men look for physical attributes: skin color, breast size, height, weight etc etc etc. Now at the risk of shocking people let me throw out there that just because someone has that certain skin color, breast size, height...doesn't make them quality people. Same goes for women: women are looking for professional and financial attributes first and foremost. They look, as I have chronicled many times, for someone who is "generous" i.e. a rich fool. And what eventually happens to both sides is that they discover, much to their displeasure that there is more to a woman than her skin tone and more to a man than his address- and what's more, that neither side is especially keen on those whose interest in them is limited solely to those attributes.

That's when the fun really begins. Did she call you intelligent, tough and so on, lavishing you with hugs and kisses? Well now you're fat and arrogant. Did he call you the ebony princess of his dreams? Well now you're a gold digging _______. Enjoy!

the smart way to get by in 2011 and beyond is to rely only on yourself and your own intuition.

A typical CM journal:

12/25/2010 8:51:41 AM: Christmas Sucks :( What A surprise My phone shuts off today :( tHIS DAY SUCKS.. WHO WANNA PAY MY BILL FOR X.MAS????

_______________________________ 11/1/2010 9:00:13 AM: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME :) WHO WANNA SEND ME SOME mOney need new strap an some TOYS

_______________________________ 6/14/2010 5:35:19 PM: DELETING SOON..

_______________________________ 6/7/2010 3:32:21 PM: I WANT A TEA CUP

dogggggg :( _______________________________ 6/1/2010 8:15:49 AM: PAYPAL. (STAR_KEASHA@YAHOO.COM)

On reflection, I realize what I should have done.

Her: "Baby I need you to help with the tuition and the hospital bill for the hospital I was never admitted to."

Me: "Sure thing sugar. Just send me those bills and consider it done. "

Her: "Awwwww sp77 you're the best!"

Me: "Hey anything for You Darling. Mind if I come over tonight?"

Two days later

Her: "So did you pay the hospital bill?"

Me: *silence*

Want to know how to alienate me? Send me an email like the one below after spending months pretending that you're getting closer to me and liking me for who I am as a person and after I asked you what makes you happy:

you asked me. So here goes:

It's NOT about how you treat someone when its warm and sunny, it's about how you treat them when the thunder and lightening is raging. That tells me more about your character (or lack of) than anything else.

ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of
thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be
abnormal is to be detested.

Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a
striving toward the straiter resemblance of the Average Man than he hath
to himself. Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the p...rospect of
death and the hope of Hell.

Most people don't want to be in relationships they want to talk about being in relationships. To actually be in one takes a hell of a lot of work.

I used to be a relationships person. My road to CM started with a Woman I was with for 8 years. I used to want what a lot of unstable latchkey kids wanted, a steady, dependable partner.

As I got older and looked at my adapted homeland more closely, I slowly shelved this idea, never more certainly than this January. The cold truth is that people like to speak about wanting relationships but what they really want is for their fantasies to be catered to. Men want easy sex. Women want emotional and financial support. Men want their fantasy- a Playboy model. Women want theirs- an Adonis who is also a personal chef. And in a country where the mantra is "what about me?", both continue the search, discarding potential mates as if they were trading cards. "Mmmmm this sweetpuppy77 is pretty good to start but I wanna trade up to a MoneyManager52."

So I say bring on the momentary thrills. They won't be as satisfactory as committed relationships but we gotta take what we can get.

Connections are funny. You can feel them. You can say you feel them. You can feel better by having others feel them when you don't.

I wrote this elsewhere too but will make it a double. It's shocking how many men will post naked photos of themselves, send lurid messages detailing graphically their fantasies, will happily allow a woman to shove a dildo up their ass but will shy away from any emotional connection- every bit as striking as the many women who want you to move in with them after a week of chatting, who give you their numbers without prompting, who will suddenly ask you without knowing your name when you will become their slave for life so you can do their laundry and pay their bills....and yet these men and women will run for the hills at the merest hint of emotional intimacy. 

I am sitting in the basement of the library of the graduate center, whittling my life away.

The phone rings.

Who is it?

Why its S, the latest entrant into the sp77 hot chicks with boobies hall of fame. Some contestants are much better than others btw. And yes, non Black chicks can enter too, contrary to what you may have heard.

S. Wait...who's that? We had a a date set up 2 weeks ago but she never showed. (Par for the course.) So I promptly forgot about her. (Forgetting about people and moving on is my specialty. Dammit, why can't I do that with the woman in Boston eh? I guess, in retrospect, I just wanted to believe in someone for a change and she was pretty damn persistent. For nearly a year she was like a dream. Kept her word for example. Well I mean until she didn't but that's neither here nor there.)

Anyways, so I got stood up. No biggie. Hey a crazy bitch did the same thing because I waited for her for 40 minutes and when I wasn't there, an hour late, she surmised that I didn't care about her. How dare I leave after only 40 minutes, she wanted to know?

Anyhoo, moving on. Always moving on. I love this song btw. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4SYWmwVIVo

Speak to me,

Anyhoo.... So S's back in all her giggly glory. I was thisclose to deleting her from my phone book which I almost never do because life is kind of circular. She is in midtown and wants to hang out. Huh. I didn't even think about S. I figured hey easy come easy go. Anyways, we're supposed to meet at 11. I mean unless she doesn't show.

* 70 minutes later *

So as I said, S called out of the blue at 10 saying she'd swing by at 11 to hang out. I called her just now (11;10ish) and learned that she hasn't even left brooklyn. Would I care to wait 40 minutes? I did the math. 40 minutes= at least an hour, more like 2. So at 1 am I would be required to spend dough to feed her (bet on it) and, having been sufficiently used, we'd part at 1 am and I'd get home at 2, never to hear from her again. Pass. I told her so in a not polite but not rude way. Not rude, just indifferent. I used to dislike indifference and nihilism but after the past 18 months, I began to look at them as survival mechanisms.

Shocked silence. Stammer. Grasping for words. S sincerely thought I would wait, no questions asked. Isn't that what guys did? She said "now I have to find something else to do"- because you know, I didn't matter at all- I was just filler material, "something" to do.

Hmmm...why am I mentioning this and the woman in boston in the same writing? On CM?

I offered to meet again

you know

sometime. I Am sure she is still stunned

sp77 the evolved.

@___- I have seen my share of marriages disintegrate as well and I can see why you'd look at marriage as a financially losing proposition.

I think marriages fail mostly because people are just not prepared for the day to day dynamics of marriage- it's not all rainbows and flowers- and also because society is very competitive and easy come/easy go. If everyone is always on the hunt for the bigger better deal, why bother? Some women will call you cynical and maybe rightly but we're all a product of our experiences and what we choose to deduce from those experiences.

I'm not 100% anti-marriage but will say that it would take a lot for me to do it.

"If I enter into a relationship with the intention of it being sex only, there is always the danger of love creeping up and biting me in the ass."

That's always there. Someone once told me that women are the new men, looking for NSA sex and men are the new women, looking for commitment. Spooky huh? That's why boundaries rock. For example, if you want sex only no need to ask about other women in his life.

....

"When I was 30 I walked away from a relationship with a 19 year old where I felt I might have been falling in love and he was in love. How the fuck can I love a 19yo I asked myself. It may have been the size of his cock, HUGE!! Plus in 10-15 years he wont want me. I was his first, yes I popped that cherry, so of course he was in love, lol. And I thought I was doing him a favor by walking away, he was just 19. I ran into him again when he was 29, he was married, to a woman 1 year older than me! Damn it!!! We started up again and had an affair for several years until we drifted off. But he maintained for the whole 6 years of our affair that he loved me, would have married me, and never would have left me."

And I think he wholeheartedly believed that then and believes it now as unbelievable as that may sound to you. Women are conditioned to think that guys will go for anyone with a nice pair and have the attention span of a fruitfly. Neither is true for many men that I know."

Being submissive is part of my being, in some hands a much larger and more naturally occurring part than in others. Being submissive does not mean that it consumes my every waking moment nor that I am submissive to everyone. The words "anything you say" cross my lips roughly once every decade, if that.

To be submissive or in fact to have any relationship beyond the casual exchange requires trust and from what I have seen online (I'm looking at Boston specifically) trust is to be doled out very carefully and in very small doses over a very long period of time. Frankly, most don't have the patience or the decency to make it last. (prove me wrong kids, prove me wrong!)

Another small problem is that (from what I have seen, again with a certain North-Easterner of nonexistent moral fiber), people are able to be very convincing when they want to be and online is a great place to be convincing. One could spend hours crafting just the right message. One could say all the right things. And one could wind up not meaning any of it. I never cease to be amazed at the earnest conviction of spoken words and the degradation of those words by the actions of the person who spoke them. This happens time and time again. Women hand out their phone numbers on here like candy: were I to actually call, I would shock to the core. Two women have asked me to live with them. One of them is now in hiding having rediscovered that I am not her 60 year old Jamaican father and therefore not a worthwhile prospect. The other hasn't spoken 3 words to me since.

Therefore: 1) If I do not see you face to face or at least heart your voice, I can do only so much. Seeing your face is ideal btw. We can control our words online a lot better than our physical responses offline. 2) If you ask me for money or any of its little cousins (be generous, etc), we are done. 3) If your mask comes off and you start doing a Debbie Jellinsky impression, we are done. Mmmkay?

Now I realize that there are many who feel slighted and put off by this. I respect that many can say and many do say that they are different and that I shouldn't allow the past to meet the present. This sounds ideal: this is a fantasy. Everyone, regardless of who they are, are shaped by their experiences. To deny those experiences and their impact is to deny a part of myself: this is not an ideal way to start a conversation.

One of the complaints people have about their partners is that they are "not who I thought they were." Of course not. Dating is essentially a con. This is because, especially in the internet age, people want ideas, stereotypes, images, etc. "Big black gal with huge boobs" "generous 7 foot tall football player" "suave older man" and so on and they never look at the person itself.

Even married, people rarely know their partners. I asked Her once why she was in a loveless marriage for 2/3rds of her life. "Great sex." she responded. I wondered what happened the other 20 hours of the week.

So because of this (and other reasons), dating is essentially a con. Do I get dressed up, comb my hair, shave, agonize over how my shoes are tied etc in daily life? Hell no. I sit around drooling over black gals with big boobs while eating plantain chips. Oy I said too much :)

sp77 the realist, hypocrite and dating, boobs and plantain expert.

Below is a paragraph of a much longer and very pissed email I sent this morning to someone who decided, nearly a year into things, that I was too young for human consideration.

Anyone contacting me should read this paragraph. Twice.

"Ms. _____ who once similarly raved about my wonderfulness has discovered that I'm a multidimensional human being and not "sweet puppy" the cardboard cutout. So now you get to discover the same thing. And like her, you are discomfited by the phenomena. Given your history of giving men their walking papers after using them for your own gratification, I assume this has happened before and will happen again. No man will be interested in being your mate under such conditions although because you are sexually desirable many will lie to you. You seem to think that you can treat people any way you choose and be repaid with unstinting obedience and devotion: that someone can love you without being loved by you: that they will always live life on your terms and for your needs. It reminds me of the young lady from NY who posted on CM that she was seeking someone to do her laundry, pay for it, bring the laundry home, go down on her and then go away. I doubt she found such a lucky boy. I doubt you will."

But that's not the message we get from the culture at large. Instead we hear platitudes about the importance of personal happiness and fulfillment -- no matter who gets hurt."

Or not at all."

That's really all that matters. The rest are just words. The one thing that beats a person telling you that they care is if that person actually cares.

"It is the opinion of this court that the right to speak without censorship or fear of intimidation is fundamental to a healthy democracy," Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg wrote for the majority. "Furthermore, the court finds that the right to say whatever the hell you want, whenever the hell you want, is not only a founding tenet, but remains essential to the continued success of this nation."

Added Ginsburg, "In short, freedom of speech means the freedom of fucking speech, you ignorant cocksuckers."

I love The Onion.

Typing from an internet cafe so apologies for the weird font/background.


Yesterday I met someone from this site. It was an interesting experience. As I was riding up in the bus I had this conflict: a part of me wanted to get there right away while a part of me wanted to turn around. Its not about Her, its about me. My fears my reluctance, my experiences. Its totally unfair and wrong to imprint those on someone who did not create them, and I know this. But once people accumulate certain experiences they form certain reactions: I strive mightly around Her to be careful with those but they remain. I am thankful that She understands and accepts.
 
For example, I knew a number of males in my life who were alcoholics or abusers: I knew a greater number who simply.would not.listen. Who came up with a certain plan and come hell or high water would not cease. I knew two who wanted something from me that no man will ever have. So therefore no males on cm. No male friends, no male chat buddies, no male anything. It may be wrong but I can only rely on my own experiences.

Anyhoo as the bus went, my fear was there but not overwhelming. She said that I had nothing to be afraid of and I believed Her: I just kept that 5% or so fear in my mind..mostly not for me but for Her. She is very sensitive, emotional and has been through a lot and had many people in her life who do not value her goodness. I know she thinks very highly of me and appreciate that someone so good, smart decent and gorgeous thinks that way but it does add to the pressure. My heart would break into pieces if I let her down.

I would not, could not harm her in any way. If I did.... so that was four of the other five percent. I kept one percent in reserve for the what ifs: what if, seven months or no, I was really talking to a 107 year old bisexual midget who wanted my kidneys? That kind of stuff. (She is not, just for the record, a 107 year old bisexual midget and I still have my kidneys. Score one for real life interactions.)

We had a lovely time (parenthesis to note that this is solely my perception). I tried to be on my best behavior and not grope and leer excessively. Hopefully I succeeded.

She is an interesting lady. I have gotten through life by sensing things: what word, what gesture, what look would set them off was a question I asked myself often at the dinner table and that has served me well. I'll probably get into what those perceptions were around Her later. Maybe.