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subspaced67

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Friends:
SireKaneTears4DragonArachpOaWDeviant222
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Local people only for friendship. That being said... If you are in the LA area and want to check out the local BDSM "scene", I'm your girl. *Red headed tart *Strong willed Lioness *Angelic muse *Little girl *Poly *Submissive *Seasoned BDSM veteran *Los Angeles kink community enthusiast *Munch organizer I am SubspacedAngel. I have empathy for those who are new to this lifestyle. Finding our way through this maze we call alternative living ain't for wimps! People who seek a starting point to get out from behind their computer and actually meet others face to face (gasp!) might want to go to local events. I'm an organizer for more than one monthly munch (meet and greet) in the SFV and have friends who hosts other events. Feel free to ask about those resources. I've always called the lifestyle realm The Lovely Hell, because it can be so lovely one day and such hell the next! But the hellish days are now a faint whisper, a distant glow of what I used to endure, before I found my voice. It took a lot of self reflection to get where I am today and Im not done yet. Always learning! I made peace with my past demons, I held them close (Pinhead said it best, Angels to some, demons to others). It took some work but now my demons sometimes feel like angels to me, familiar dark corners of my mind that I like to visit from time to time with my Dom. The people on my friends list are all good friends of mine. If you dont know me (well) please know I will not add you. Thank you for understanding ) Ego, snobby people, and cliques seriously bug me too. I dont think Im that way, and if I become that... someone shoot me. May you have more lovely days than hellish ones.

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8/4/2014 10:57:25 AM
Revisiting my profiles here and on alt. Reading my former blog there. So much in me, I had to share it with the world. Now a ghost echos of that time of my life. 

11/11/2013 8:24:44 AM

Almost 3 years and counting in my current relationship. I can't believe how much my life has changed, we have both grown so much. When I stated this profile 10 years ago I didn't realize how much I would experience as a result of finding this lifestyle. So many moments of reflection. I don't come on here very much, but let me just say it's not the shit hole for me that it seems to be for most. I have met some great doms on here. One of them is an incredible person (Drk, my former dom and life long friend). The lessons from Pandora's box being once opened have been astounding. 


2/19/2013 1:08:33 PM

Collaborative couple looking for a dominant/switch (male) "new friend" to tag team me. We have no time limit on this, so we will wait as long as it takes to find someone right for us. My guy is straight, chill, secure and approachable. We are open to different ideas for scenes and welcome your input. It's OK if you're in a relationship but for our purposes, a non monogamous person works best. Sex could be involved. From throwing me around like a rag doll to other fetishes that you are willing to share with us. Just let us know what you wish to bring to the table. 

Chemistry is key with BOTH of us. My dom is not a cuck, nor would anyone ever be able to move in on me in a trillion years. I am just THAT into him so please be "normal" and respectful and check your ego at the door. We can smell overcompensation and insecurity a mile away.

If you don't have much experience, that's ok just be honest about it. Truthfully I have met very worthwhile people in the "scene" who are great at sharing energy, but do not have a lot of "skill" in the traditional BDSM sense. Skill isn't everything! Really.

Also please don't take it personal if you respond and I am not feeling it. I would like to be able to feel a connection to you, and maybe even submission and that takes a certain chemistry between us. If I don't feel it, then this will not be worthwhile.It took us a long time to find each other. We know it may take time to find the right fit for this too, and we are willing to wait.

Respond here. Thank you.


1/30/2013 12:21:59 PM

 “Toto, I don’t think we are in Kansas anymore”. One day I woke up and it was all a dream, or was it? The spectrum has shifted and the dance of the “lovely hell” is no more, or, at least more lovely than hell? Peeking my head in this place, reading my last journal entry one year ago. My life is settling, truly settling. Months and months ago it felt like my dom and I were in our groove. But no, NOW we are in our groove. It’s still a fairly new relationship in a lot of ways (almost 2 years in), but we have really settled in and we are building something very special.

So, this last year I've been living with my dom in a place just South of LA (not the SFV for the first time in my life!). It's very different here even though it’s a mere hour’s drive. I miss the prehistoric, mountainous rocks that used to surround me. A gaze away out of my bedroom window. There, just past the treetops. Looking back, I was far from content. Its funny how in that place which was surrounded by so much beauty and tranquility, my life became so despondent.

Two years ago my life was very different. I was in my marriage of 20 years. We were so damn close at one time. What happened?  It was a gradual transition I guess. We had great times her and I. It snuck up on us, one day change fucked everything up. And all the joy and great years and energy we had in our marriage priorly were not enough to save us. I wanted out. I had grown into a different person, away from his way of thinking. Different to the point I could barely relate to him on his terms anymore, which seemed very primal to me. It wasn’t fair to him, or me. But I felt stuck, and depressed. I was no good to anyone. He stayed the same, he never changed. He was a rock, I was a butterfly. My wonderful kids and parents deserved so much more, (my ex did too for that matter). They needed more than I could give. They still do but at least I am now in a place mentally to “give” more of myself. Without inner peace it was impossible to give anything of sustenance to anyone. And contentment was always just above my reach. There were several reasons for that. Some self reflective, and some situational.

In my marriage I knew the other shoe would drop any minute. It had happened before (twice) and I was scared. I knew that to “rock the boat” with how I really felt would bring on the possibility of my husband taking away what little content I was trying to hold on to so tightly, my scene activity. This is understandable when you are married to someone who does not have the same needs as you do. It’s fear based. So I would smile and wave and try to balance my existence between the rock, and the very hard place that would eventually crush me at the slightest trimmer. It was all so fucked up, that time in my life. For him, for me. Trying to balance both worlds. To figure this stuff out was impossible for both of us really, even more so because we lacked the ability to COMMUNICATE, truly communicate openly and honestly.

Transparency is difficult! It’s difficult to SAY transparent things, and it’s difficult to HEAR transparent things. Both are very important aspects of a relationship. If you don’t have it, it’s a matter of time before your world crumbles. Ask yourself, do you condition your partner by being able to HEAR their inner most thoughts?  Are you unapproachable? All food for thought.

 

So yes, I had resentments I had to keep inside. He did too I’m sure. He didn’t have this need like I did. He was fairly vanilla in life, and he was content staying home whereas I wanted to go. And I slept alone for so many years (he slept in his chair), I desired close contact. And he gave A LOT in his own way. He tried to meet me half way. He allowed me to go twice a week to my local dungeon to see my dom. I hated that I needed that. But I also hated the feeling of not knowing what to expect each time when I would get home late at night, my husband in his chair still awake. Sometimes he would be asleep and I would feel a sense of relief that he was out of his misery for the night. It was mentally exhausting for both of us the way we were living. Both trying to ignore the huge elephant standing on TOP of us. Both pounding that square peg into a round hole with a sledge hammer. Sheer madness.

The more I tried to “find myself” the more guilt burned through my every pore, every minute of every day. There was a permanent brick on my chest. Looking back, this went on for what seemed like YEARS as I navigated my way through the scene. In the end I had changed so much, my family didn’t even know me. They didn’t like WHO I was around them and I can’t say that I blame them. Again, I could give nothing, and I was surrounded by people who saw me as selfish, I was in a lot of ways because I had this need that I would not put away. And my marriage had been pretty good for many years before that so leaving didn’t feel like an option, until talking to a friend/counselor who asked me hard questions which made me realize we ALL have free choice no matter how stuck you feel, you can take charge and change things, but the ramifications are extreme, and the road less traveled very difficult for everybody involved. Change is hard on people but especially the ones who depend on you for their happiness.  

I would dream and search and surround myself with people who could relate to my way of thinking. I would go to munches and talk with people who thought like me, who could see the good in me. My family: “Mom is going through a mid life crisis”? Me: “I need to catch up and steal moments with the person I really am”.

Meanwhile I was seeing a play partner (my dom now) and that journey was growing, and Growing, AND GROWING. He was motivated, had a positive outlook on life in general and  understood the person I had become. In fact, pretty soon he was one of the VERY few who knew the real me. Which made me feel even more guilty at home. He never wanted me to leave my husband, in fact he encouraged me not to. But the chaos at home was unraveling even more by the day. I eventually had no choice but to leave. I had friends who would get me through. And my dom.

I was being fed GOOD STUFF. Conditioned in healthy ways to communicate and work through my depression and come out the other side in and out of play. Heavy stuff. I was embracing my inner angel more each day and like a moth heading towards the light. I loved the way I felt about MYSELF when I was around him. It was very soothing. There was so much inner work going on inside me, things I couldn’t share with anyone. Things my ex wouldn’t understand, things he couldn’t have wrapped his head around anyway because he couldn’t see those things in me.

Being able to talk openly and not hide who I was? It was refreshing. My dom marched to my same drum, he was a good compliment to my kind of crazy, he saw the good in me and would inject me with worth and light when we were together. He was someone who I could be completely transparent with knowing he would accept my faults as well as my attributes no matter what I needed to tell him. The more I would argue with my husband, the more I would pull away to find acceptance and love. So after a few very ugly moments at home where I had to flee (sleeping in my car etc), I ended the cycle. I made the final break one year ago. I started the wheels in motion by making the very difficult decision to stop the vicious cycle that took over my life and grew into a big hairy monster. To be transparent no matter what. And to move out of my house in SFV.

It’s been a hard road but now a year later the smoke has cleared and healing has taken its place. I’m “out” to my family and a lot of my friends. My family is embracing me because I am a much better and happier person for them. My ex is even working with me concerning my kids (I never stopped seeing them twice a week even though things got very hairy for awhile). We actually all got together with my sir’s kids and mine (ex too!) for a family event. It was lovely and the “awkwardness” is starting to flee. Of course there are things I really miss about my old existence. I have lost a part of who I was and embrace different things, but now that I have a healthier mental well being I can have some of those things back. Hell, I can even share them with my ex again someday as he finds himself (he’s working on it).

This last year has been huge. Life has gone full circle once again. The next chapter begins.


2/1/2012 9:04:33 AM

Another year down. 2011 was a big growing year for me, but nothing like the beginning of 2012. This January has been insane. The past year there has been so many changes. I gained a Dom. I learned lessons. This month I lost a big chunk of my privacy, but I gained transparency. And lately some independence too.

Lessons and a constant learning experience. A friend told me that my life is a train that is rolling along yet will one day crash. His thinking is that I have no true discipline in my life, and without it left to my own devices I will continue to run things into the ground. That I don’t have balance, self discipline or the desire to change. And that I am always looking for the next thrill and that will continue to screw up my life over and over until someone can instill that needed force/structure/ management and not bow to me because in his opinion everyone does. In essence, that will BE my thrill. He also feels no one can handle me because of my strong willed personality. He said that without reminders from time to time that someone has the wheel, the path of destruction will continue, because my need for intensity will continue to spin and create more casualties.  He feels the root of why I test and push is the search for structure and true consequences which I have yet to find.

Part of me agrees with his estimation, part of me does not. I’m not 100% sure WHY I test. There are times I do it just because I want to do what I want to fucking do, no other reason. However, I guess there is no reason to not do that, so he may have a slight point. It was upsetting to hear, but I am beginning to see that without true discipline in my life, I will continuously just be fucked up. I test those around me in search for something.  My need for intensity will over run my rational thinking just about every time. And my taking the wheel will continuously create a cluster over and over. Come to think of it, it is kinda what I do. I have had people try to put limits, but for the most part those are just words.  Not one person has backed up those words, ever. Hell, I wasn’t even spanked as a child. Lol.

So yeah, I DO fight it, so what? Does it mean that I’m a bad person? I really HATE being in control but part of me also can’t just lay down willingly.  It represents failure to me, as ridiculous as that is.  Sure, I test and play with that edge.  I guess that’s high maintenance? But I represent myself in who I am from the beginning. There is no hiding, never have been able to do that. People can accept me or not, their choice... not really mine.

So what have we learned? Control/consequences are GOOD, baby girl running things is BAD, but hell I don’t even want to do it so why should I expect others to? Haha smiles. This is what I struggle with. My independence. The bottom line is that I am not a child and NO ONE wants to have to treat someone like one, not even in a D/s relationship haha. I just need to get a grip and be an adult.

Quickly I am told, before the crash occurs.

 


8/30/2011 7:50:56 PM

This is an entry from 5/2010. I was devastated, just so sad. This lovely hell ebbs and flows constantly. Someone once told me purgatory was supposed to be temporary. I guess they were right...

"Liminal... Im very much caught between my two worlds. 

"Finding myself" is such a mirage.

And my blurry margains have gotten the better of me for sure.

I'm beaten down.

I am a good girl, who is caught in a whirlwind of transition at the moment.

But Im hoping that one day time will help me forget the emptiness. My thoughts, focused on all the good around me."


 



8/27/2011 8:13:38 AM

My little girl being gone now is really taking it's toll here at home. I can't get used to it. So many changes in so little time. But things are settling down and I am finally finding my groove. I start work again soon. I have been off for the summer, but I have been so broke.

Everything can be so difficult at times, but it can be good too. It's all in perspective and taking control of one's life by the horns. Creating your own existence is so necessary, good or bad. I am so lucky to have true friends stay by my side... to help me through this journey called life.


7/4/2011 8:38:04 AM

Referring to yourself in the third person, really? REALLY?


5/26/2011 7:04:04 AM

Oh man! I have had such good experiences here on CM, so good that I had forgotten how there really are assholes on here as well (not many in my experience). Thankfully its rare to come across one who brings out my inner dominant lioness :)


2/13/2011 5:21:56 PM

So... Im realizing that I have a small problem these days. Losing touch with my old self, my old friends... a very important part of myself. My more "vanilla" self for lack of a better term.

Balance... I need to balance more social activities which don't involve the "scene". But it's hard to do because I really enjoy my friends and the gatherings  :(

A dilemma.

How to be content again... with just "being".


2/3/2011 6:12:36 AM

I am surrounded by many... yet feel quite alone right now.


11/8/2010 7:51:12 PM

Its funny. I see these people on cm. They are on here for years. Using outdated pics, jacking off all over their keyboards. They sift through the fake profiles, getting jaded and discouraged. It's upsetting, I understand. This damn site can be detrimental at times, believe me... I know.

But there is so much out there, outside of this site. Don't get me wrong, I have found great friends on CM, but it was due to more than just sexual banter. A lot of the men on here think with their cocks. Now and then there will be one... one who won't let their entire sexuality lead their conversations. Who would never dream of having a cock pic on their profile, or sending one in a note.

I am friendly yet standoffish when it comes to connecting with people on a d/s level but there are reasons. It has to feel right. 

I see what it takes to actually make connections for these men (subs, switches and doms alike). And I feel I can be helpful in getting them out and joining REAL people. But they have to be willing to get out from behind the safety net of their laptops :)))


There is a lot of cool stuff going on in our area. If people would take a moment or two to venture out from behind their computers they may actually get somewhere instead of spending years and years (on here) getting nowhere.

.


10/17/2010 10:50:43 AM

I/in M/my O/opinion S/slashy S/speak I/is R/ridiclous.

If you partake it is certainly your option to do so,  just don't expect me to lol :))


10/4/2010 9:09:13 AM

A rant. Trying to keep my journal upbeat, but I just couldn't let this one pass by without mentioning.

I feel so sorry for the sub men on this site who let themselves get snagged.  I just noticed a (quote/unquote) "Domme's" journal here on CM. She is online only (apparently) who lives in Los Angeles, but is Arabic.

"IM SO FRAKIN IRRETATED BY STUPID MEN PRETENDIN THAT THEY'RE SLAVES OH WOULD U JUST GET A FUCKIN LIFE!!!!"

Irretated? Pretendin? Lol.

I just don't understand what submissive man would send this person money. Being Arabic is NO excuse for slaughtering the English language.

I am in no way perfect at grammar and I am not the grammar police. But phonetics? Really?

Thank goodness there is such a thing as spell check so I at least make an ATTEMPT to check my spelling.  

Do you WANT to look silly to people?

 


6/29/2010 7:37:31 AM

I saw this on a friend's blog and liked it.

A native american elder was explaining to his grandson that a battle between two wolves goes on insides people's heads.

One wolf is unhappiness: fear, worry, anger, jealousy, sorrow, self-pity, resentment and inferiority.

The other wolf is happiness: joy, love, hope, serenity, kindness, generosity, truth and compassion.
 
The grandson asked which wolf wins. 

The grandfather replied the one you feed.


6/21/2010 5:26:02 PM
 
Words like considered for “training” and “offering protection” to me are red flags as it should be to any submissive.

Offering training or protection from others (especially in an initial message), is something "Doms" come up with for newbie submissives (and now and then they try that same silliness with seasoned subs too, big mistake).

I can come off somewhat abrasive to some people, but its only because once you enter my profile, you have entered the no bullshit zone here. Keeping it real.....
 
one wannabe dom at a time :) 
  
 

 


6/12/2010 6:58:13 AM
Lair night, yes!

P.s. Glyptar says Im a dork :)

6/7/2010 7:53:10 AM
For a change I set my default to females on this site. My first day in doing so I have seen a couple of extreme taboo profiles. Believe me I'm no stranger to age play, but reading between the lines, they seem to be into children related acts. Yikes there are some sick bitches on here. Ill take my Doms anyday!

6/3/2010 7:01:24 AM
Wow, someone actually referred to me as a "sweet slit". LOL!!! Then something about liking their play sweet and spicy etc, just reminds me of something a bad lounge singer would say.

5/19/2010 6:45:42 AM
I came upon this, its a very good writing that I wish to share.

Daddy Doms
by Kendra

Daddy/little girl does not refer to the ages, real or pretend, of the participants. Nor does it imply closet desires. In my relationship my Dom is not my father, he is nothing like my father, and I have no need for him to replace my father. He is however my Daddy. We do not engage in age play specifically ( beyond the occasional school girl fantasy *s*) and our relationship is not based on any need to have sex with children. I am always all woman, and always a very independent woman.

He does have the ability to make me feel like a little girl, however, a very cherished and sometimes needy little girl. It is a feeling that I revel in, it is the safest place I have ever been, and it allows me the freedom to be all that I am without fear of reprisals. Daddy Dom is a feeling, an environment that two people have created. A Daddy Dom is so named because of the qualities he possesses and the service he provides.

So, what are these qualities? What is a Daddy Dom?

A Daddy Dom wants to be the center of your universe. He wants to be able to provide for your every need and care. But more than that he wants to be able to shape and mold you to the image he thinks you should become. He sees in you someone who can achieve a much higher, much greater status. He believes more in you than you believe in yourself. What he wants in return is to be able to bask in his image of you, the image he has created. To achieve these goals he relies on a combination of love, respect, and discipline.

His love for his little girl goes without saying. He loves her as much for who she is as for who she will become with his guidance. She is his prized possession. His eyes light up when she walks into the room and he takes great pride in her successes. After all, he helped to create her. She holds the most tender part of his heart and has the greatest power to hurt him.
This love would not be possible without respect. A Daddy Dom needs to feel pride in his little girl. He needs to know she can hold her own in the outside world and still submit to him. He holds the greatest respect for the gift she has given him and takes great pains to increase it’s value. It is extremely important to him to know she can be with any man and she chooses to be with him.

He knows that this makes discipline a priority in their lives, more important than in some other D/s relationships. In order for the little girl to really trust, she must know he means what he says. If his little girl is going to be the best she can possibly be he must stand firm. He uses his experience in life and his knowledge of her to provide proper direction and punishment when the need arises.

If he does not enforce discipline, this respect becomes a tenuous thing. If his submissive finds that she can manipulate him out of punishing her, she begins to lose respect and the ability to empower becomes impeded. He understands that it becomes increasingly difficult to be possessed by someone you do not respect.

This takes great strength on his part. It takes strength to control her, and to shape her to his needs and desires. It takes strength to be her confidant, her shoulder, her anchor. It takes strength to let her out into the world when all he wants to do is hold her safe in his arms. And it takes strength to do what is necessary when she needs to be disciplined.
A Daddy Dom provides something else that is very important to his submissive...acceptance. She is safe in his arms because he knows her, everything about her, and he still loves her. When she goes to him she knows that this man knows all of her dirty little secrets and it doesn’t matter. To him she is beautiful.

Daddy Dom and sadistic Dom are by no means mutually exclusive. Many Daddy Doms embrace their sadism while understanding and feeding their submissive's masochism. This balance is necessary to many little girls because it allows all parts of her to be nourished, leading to an incredibly fulfilling relationship.

I think most Dominants have a bit of the Daddy in them, taking on the role of male authority figure in the submissive’s life and using their power to enrich that life. Daddy/little girl verbalizes that feeling, and adds a dimension of warmth, caring, and ritual that it’s participants crave.

There is something infinitely magical about a Daddy Dom, baby girl relationship.

5/17/2010 3:55:07 PM
Lair was fun Sat night. Saw my friends, good food. All is well.

5/12/2010 3:47:11 PM

Talking to my good friend today, he mentioned that he would much rather have a lioness at the end of a leash then a kitten.

Interesting comparison, but I got what he was saying.

I have always thought of myself as a born submissive. However the more I get to know what that actually means, the more I am shying away from that label. I am submissive yes, but it's all encompased in my sexuality.

Afterall, I don't look down at the ground as I walk around people, shying away, do what Im told by the average joe on the street, just because he tells me, I question things as a rule. Its my nature to do that (non sexually speaking). Hell, I could be described as outgoing actually. Are born submissives outgoing? Maybe so.

Then someone mentioned I have the heart of a slave. I don’t know about that either. I don’t seem to have the patience, the ability to give complete control to another 24/7. Sigh. I’m not very good at it anyway.

As usual, I am stuck in the middle of everyone, on the outside looking in. Hey, labels are over rated anyway, right? I guess I may be considered an outsider.

And I tend to migrate towards outsiders for the most part too (don't get me wrong, some community people are really cool, if given the chance).

In the right circumstances (
sexual circumstances) I am very submissive,  I don't switch, I don’t try to run things, my goal is to submit to the partner I am with.

The biggest problem I have, is there are VERY few people I could ever see myself feeling submissive to. I know, I don’t mean to come off abrasive, or hard on people, but Im picky as fuck. To be honest I feel that I am not for everyone. I know there are some genuine people on this site. I am one after all, and I’ve met some great and highly genuine people off Collarme.

But there are also droves of horny net guys on here, or guys who think it would be cool to have some girl at their feet this week, their wives won’t suck them off, their bosses whip them, so they need someone to get their kinky frustrations out with. Or trolls, pic collectors, or they shoot a note saying something totally vulgar accompanied by a cock pic off the bat. If that is you, just stay the fuck away. You just don’t deserve what I have to offer.

The dilemma.

See? See what I have to live with? Me...

We have peacocks in our neighborhood. They are  communal. They roam in a group, doing their dances, being... well... peacocks.

Then, there is this one. She is ALWAYS alone. She walks alone, she comes to our house and hangs out when the other peacocks have gone.

I don't know why that is, however the other day I saw her go up to a rabbit and peck it in the head. It wasn't very nice at all. The rabbit ran away. And I got it. She is abrasive. She is sometimes not open to others, they seem foolish to her, doing their stupid little dances and such... Shes bitter even, misconstruting poor little bunny rabbits who mean her no harm.

And I wondered, is that me at times? Or does she just get sick of all the horny peacocks strutting around her? Not wanting to get to know her, just her ass.

My friends seem to think I'm pretty nice. I try to be nice to everyone I come in contact with. However, maybe that is the thing. I don't get close to just everybody. But isn't that as it should be?

The truth is, in my everyday life, I am confident. I call bullshit, I have my own thoughts. I am somewhat independent.

I don't consider myself "dominant" by any means (gawd, I hope not anyway). But I do have a certain amount of confidence, and I definitely choose who I give my submission to.

Actually, I take that back, fate chooses it. Chemistry, which is like finding a tiny diamond in a cave of coal. It is that rare.

Unfortunately. Because if I could look at this "lifestyle" (for lack of a better word), as just "play" or being "topped" now and then, I would be so much better off! I'm working on it though.

I would like to not take things so seriously. I wouldn't hurt. It would be so easy, I could play and play all day.

The truth is, if I really think about it hard. I have lost faith. I can get it back, sure, maybe one day I will. But I really don't want any of it right now.

And one thing I won't do is settle.


 


5/9/2010 9:19:01 PM
"You're clearly a very sexy woman, and, while most women are, you have a bit if the nitrous oxide in your personality :)"
 
Someone wrote that to me, and I dont know why... but I just love it.

4/18/2010 1:45:39 PM
Life can be so complicated.

3/10/2010 8:27:43 AM
Someone wrote this to me.

"Our lives are a lot like planets...we have intersecting orbits that contain each individual planet, and yet some orbits take us around individuals that never intersect with others.  It is the same for each planet.  Once in a while, things happen outside of our purview, and then the orbit of a planet that once intersected us is forever altered.  We may never know why, and sometimes we wonder if they simply didn't want to share an orbit with us anymore.

But we shouldn't always assume that the fault is ours.  Someday, perhaps, they will resurrect that orbit, and things will seem like they were.  But our lives are not static, and things change much too often."

3/4/2010 7:04:56 AM

I’ve been a little down the last couple of days. I’ve lost a couple of friends who were in my life somewhat consistently last year, and now they seem to be gone. One I was very close to, and they too seemed like they valued good friendships.

People are individually special to me, and when I make friends I put myself into it. When they suddenly go, its an adjustment, but I always have been one to carry on. And although I will try to keep communication open for awhile, I won’t chase anyone who doesn’t wish to be close. But there is definitely a hole in my heart that makes itself known from time to time. This is one of those times.  

On one hand I hope one day our paths cross, to be close again. On the other hand if someone can drop me so easily… I should be more guarded on this end I guess. But I cant help who I am.


Feeling deeply can be such a curse. In play, in friendships, in relationships, in work relationships.
 
I have a convention to go to this weekend for work. Im not looking forward to it. My bosses are total assholes. And I have to spend two days with them.

I will get a room though, and might meet a friend in the evening, and get hypnotized which is cool. Maybe he can help me take more control over this part of me, over my life.


2/18/2010 11:46:44 AM

Something I came up with today (Erotica)

We chatted quite a bit. I felt I knew you pretty well. Excited to finally meet. Seems we had been through a lot together already, sharing our daily struggles, our darkness, our light too. I had been a trusted friend, and so were you, it seemed.

Sure, I saw signs, but maybe a part of me chose to ignore them, you were a pervy one like me after all. And we all have our alter egos I suppose, our demons, whether we share them or not, for the most part everybody has them.

And you were always there with that little yellow solid happy face  in my phone in messenger,  all I had to do was look, and you were with me. Remember the night I was alone eating Thai food next to that bar? You told me to just be careful if I went in alone. You said there are a lot of crazies out there looking for a girl alone, but you saw I went anyway.

That rebellious part of me, the strong girl who can always take care of herself. Especially with strangers who don’t know me, I keep them at bay. But you were no stranger.

So the day finally came. We were to meet face to face. This soul who I bared my entire being to, this soul who had mentored me, even chastised me on occasion when I wasn’t being a “good girl” in one way or another.

We pulled up at the same time. Big hugs, smiles. Butterflies. So nice to finally meet face to face, a friend who understood me so well. How far I’d come. I could be myself around you, yet I felt my vulnerable little girl was  present. Rare.

You told me you could ride in my car,  to drive to a place nearby for lunch but it was a great little scenic town where you live, beautiful. Off we went, but you directed me to keep going, you would show me around the town before we settled for lunch.

I drove. You directed. You had me veer off to the right, saying there was a lake nearby. Pretty, scenic, and it looped back around to town. So I drove, but as I did, you became less chatty. I sensed your tone change. Now I became quiet as well.

I continued to drive, feeling that edge.  The thoughts raced through my mind.  “No, he wouldn’t do that, would he?” Fear was building. Wondering if you realized that I was scared. Trying not to act like I was.  You told me it was just a little further. To go left near the curve. It became obvious that town was far behind us. Despair took over. I wrestled in my mind with overwhelming guilt. I thought to myself of how many times I had wanted this in my head, yet being confronted with it at that moment, was very different.

Being i
n a vulnerable place, with a person I seemed to know well,  after all of our discussions you would give me that true edge I thought I had relinquished forever. Fear was my enemy, yet resonated like an old familiar friend. Tapping on the closed door of my deepest darkest corners, the corners I thought I’d never visit again. Maybe you felt it was the ultimate gift, to me. Letting me off the hook. Consensual non consent.

You told me to stop the car and put it in park. I think you may have noticed out of the corner of your eye my hands were shaking. My tears welled up in response to the beat of my pounding heart. You were staring straight ahead, I could tell you were thinking hard. You were calm, no need to raise your voice, you knew that I knew. You knew we had all the time in the world, you knew there was no one that would stop it, including me. And we were both quiet. For what seemed like forever.


2/3/2010 11:49:25 AM

Someone had asked me how I was able to work through my past self destructive ways (not to be confused with still being fucked up, anyone who knows me knows Im still that! But its different :)
 
They were wondering if I currently still have issues with that. I know I’ve written about this before (like, a lot! Like almost every blog!). But I was thinking my response could be helpful to others in that situation who are just baby stepping, or people who have past issues which haunt them (the root cause in my case) or in a nutshell for those who just care and dont want to go back through a shitload of blogs!

I may sometimes still wrestle with certain issues, generally be "down", or a little heavy/deep thinking, but one thing I am no longer is self destructive.

I can honestly say I have truly found self worth. And when I’m down I don’t think about seeking real danger etc like I used to.

So at one time seeking out (only) rape play, I realize only this last year that it was a self destruction thing, working through my past in a semi controlled manner. Hubby trying to keep me safe throughout, give me bit of edge, however my cup could not be filled! My inner slut wanted true edge, not a shadow of it. And I was a time bomb of self destruction.

 

So I met this Dom last year who finally helped me out of it, by taking me "there", truly taking me to my past hurts, experiences that made me "this way". Holding my hand as he did so. I was far from alone. And far from being in control which is what I ultimately yearn for with all my being.

 

We have a good friendship. He was looking more for a bottom, yet a connection (boy did HE get more than he bargained for!). Not a relationship of course for he has a supportive wife and a great marriage. As do I.

We were excited that we had made a positive and caring BDSM connection, with a good exchange of power, it was really the perfect situation for both of us.

 

He took the time to get to know me. My triggers, issues etc. He also knew he could help me. And that is just what he did.

On a hot afternoon in the back seat of my car (calculated btw) he made me confront all that pain I had built up, behind a wall of emotional concrete that all the rape play in the world couldn’t get to, and my trust in him finally made it happen.

 

Giving into my demons, I felt his empathy for me in every slap, in every harsh word. He needed to take me back to the starting point. The time and place where my pain manifested in the first place. Yet with an undercurrent of empathy and care. And it worked better than years and years of counseling!

 

Being forced to keep my eyes on him, to watch him and every single thing he was doing was the very hardest part. I was used to retreating, hiding. And cumming during a scene? Forget about it. It could never happen  (hubby excluded). I still have a hard time with cumming in front of others. Damn trust issues.

 

It had always been a goal to cry during “play” (hate that word). But I knew deep inside it was what I needed to heal, which in the back of my mind is what I ultimately need from BDSM as a whole. Healing. No, I dont play at this. Its serious to me (although I do really wish I could play at it, at times. Iknow it would be a WHOLE lot easier to my husband).

So that day, whenever I would feel the tears well up, I would try to hide and cover my face, and hold it together. But he wouldn’t allow it.
 
He made me look at him, he made me beg for it, he forced me to ask for him to do what he was doing. He made me watch his hand before each slap that came down so hard upon my face, then say "please" before it came down. And it wasnt just the actions of him doing so (any Dom can slap a girl around, right?). It was the dance of us connecting on that level all together.

All the while confronting my demons until my big wall came crashing down once and for all. For 3 (very intense) hours. Just him over me. I felt very tiny that day. I was wrestling between my little girl wanting to break for him, and my inner slut not letting me. It was quite the event indeed.

 

Funny we never even got to penetration. When I finally broke through, all the pain came rushing out of me and the tears wouldn’t stop. With timed perfection he then quite literally caught me in his arms. Completely stripped, a total mess, a pile of quivering jello, reduced to a broken little girl.

I felt his empathy for me throughout, yet even more so at that moment. He reminded me that I wasn’t that person from years ago any longer. That I am a different person now. He said all the right things. A piece of him stayed with me after that. He knew he could help me and he did. lucky me.

 

I also received my first (real) bare handed spanking that day. I don’t think I’ve ever had such marks from a spanking than from that first one. Ouch! And to think I had to PUT MYSELF WILLINGLY over his lap, that part just baffled me at first. But it was his way of showing me security, and to be a good girl of course (as if). And boy did I need a spanking.

But  my hubby was not doing good. The week before he was seeing signs of my sexuality getting out of balance.  I had been off the hook, my inner slut seemed out of control etc. I was looking at every man like a steak, and although I didn't act on that, I was full on triggered.
 
Hubby knew what this meant in the past. But I seemed different this time, truly out of control. Just getting a Dom to play rape me in a motel room wasn’t going to cut it. So he was at a loss, gripping in his own way.

His uneasiness was building up, he was getting more and more frustrated with me. And it was just a matter of time, he was not going allow this chaos.  He didn’t like the effect the whole encounter was having on me. Yet he was still trying to be cool, be okay about it. Having met my Dom friend who seemed cool enough, he allowed me to see him again (our time that day described above).

 

Hubby had no idea of the extent of inner workings that had happened that day, of my incredible healing that had just occurred. And because I sensed his uneasiness, I was treading lightly and couldn’t explain it all myself, let alone to him. I just knew he was tripping and things were not right with him. And the guilt set in, my worst enemy, yet my oldest friend.  I hated myself for putting him through that, for being the slut who I was. And my guilt was venomous, always has been. Self destruct was creeping in.

 

Sure enough, the very next day his hammer came down. His misunderstanding of the intensity that I was going though caused him to stop all contact with my Dom friend, he told me it was over. Like a grizzly bear when injured, he tends to react harshly. Then once things calm down we can usually talk be rational, but that wasnt happening this time.

So I had to abruptly let my Dom friend know that it was over. And I knew he didn’t deserve this, it really was my own fault, being so out of balance, and now it had effected someone else. More guilt, it was a very bad day, and the worse thing is my hubby was hurting, my slut had done it again. Fuck. 

My dom friend had always said if something happened he wished to still remain friends. But sadly that wasn’t an option now.

 

With all that had occurred, inwardly I dropped into a million pieces.  Full on self destruct mode. Craving pain, etc... darkness... it all came flooding back.

 

What timing, all this shit still coming out. My Dom friend was in mourning as well, trying to grasp with what went wrong. He didnt want to take me away, he loved his wife, and life etc. There was nothing he could do about it. He just bowed out and dealt with it in his own way I guess.

But my healing seed was still very much in place wonderfully enough, just now a hiccup in the road, looking back. I would continue to heal that destructive part of me, through my own journey.

 

However I was very angry inside. All these past feelings were coming out as well. And my sadness turned to rage and rebellion. I went into deep self destruction mode and was looking for true darkness (think rest stops, truck stops, sex shops, which luckily I never had anything bad happen).
 
All while holding it together publicly in front of vanilla friends and family.

I was experiencing all the feelings I’d had many years before. Feelings of being angry with men who had hurt me, of myself who had allowed it. Extreme weak moments. Needing pain to make it go away. Throwing myself at my husband to slap it all out of me, like years before when I first met him. To make my demons go away. But he just couldnt go there, he was still hurting himself. I was very lost.

 

But the seed to recovery was sewn! And true healing was on its way (yea!)  It was just a matter of time before my inner (destructive) sexuality was gone. Replaced with self worth. And strength. And balance. And WANTING to be a good girl (a struggle for sure). I wanted to change. And I did.

 

And now of course I still love rough play etc, but its not coming from a past time that I’m trying to wrap my head around. I can enjoy it for what it is.

 

And the best thing is overall Ive settled. My hubby healed as well, and realized that he may have over reacted at the time. When he saw I was ultimately changing, and getting back to my balanced self, he allowed me to see my Dom friend again, which I do from time to time even now.

I know I still have a couple of walls left, and in time I can work on those. But one thing at a time, right? I was able to deal with a major issue and for that I am truly thankful. A work in progress? Yes. Dark and down? Sometimes. But atleast I'm no longer self destructive!


1/17/2010 3:05:47 AM
Well, I did it. I went to the Lair. I enjoyed it. Nice people, good food, atmosphere, great fire. I got to pick people's brains on stuff- always a favorite. A couple hot scenes to watch. I didnt play but then again I didnt go there to do so. I liked it though and I think Kane has created a great thing for people in the lifestyle.
But damn its 3 am! Goodnight.

1/9/2010 2:46:06 PM
So, I went to a ladies luncheon today. There was a HUGE turnout! Like, over 50 local BDSM women, all at a house. Food, drink, convo, fun. It was really nice. Great group of women. Each and every one different in their own. It was a nice time...

1/5/2010 8:15:29 AM
Kempatebel sent this to me randomly without expecting anything in return. He sends it to subs only to give them food for thought. If anyone would like to share it with others just cut and paste it, feel free.

Words to always think about just before you make a choice.
This saying works for nuclear disarmament's as well as letting a
man or woman control you.

Trust but Verify.

I would not expect you to blindly trust me.

Be careful who you bare your soul to. Too few will honor the gift, even fewer will know the value of it's worth.

Your Word
When one gives an assurance or promise or makes a sworn intention, one must make it come true. If one says he or she is going to do something, he or she should do it. People who keep their word are trusted and admired. People who do not are regarded like garbage. Those who break their word often never get another chance.


Live by what you think, not by what you've been told.
It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it (Aristotle)

Red Flags:

1) Tries to separate you from your friends, family or BDSM community? 

2) Avoids talking about personal details. Gets mad when you ask or quickly ends the conversation or answers questions with questions. 

3) Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to. 

4) Gets angry when you ask for references or ask around about them. 

5) Is inconsistent with details about themselves.

6) Does not give you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time.

7) Only communicates with you at strange hours and gets mad if you try to contact them at other times.

8) Criticizes the BDSM community and refuses to participate, especially if they never were part of it. (Im actually guilty of this myself as not everyone is into the BDSM community! But this is mainly advice for newbies anyway so on to it)

9) Consistently breaks promises.

10) Always finds excuses for not meeting.

11) Always puts blame on others for things going wrong. 

12) Does not take personal responsibility.

13) Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members.

14) Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do. (that can actually be slightly debatable but Ill resist the temptation)

15) Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.

16) Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast. 

17) Falls in love with you way too fast and swears undying love before even meeting you.

18) Hides behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned.

19) Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good enough. Says that you are not a True sub.

20) Loses control of their emotions in arguments and regresses to yelling, name-calling and blame.

21) Puts you down in front of other people.

22) Turns instantly on their friends, going from best friend to arch enemy at the drop of a hat.
 
23) Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.
 
24) Goes to great lengths to get revenge on people.

25) Lies or withholds information. Cheats on you or is overly jealous.

26) Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like.

27) Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.

28) Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions.

29) Belittles your ideas.

30) Blames you for your hurt feelings.

31) Abuses alcohol or other drugs.

32) Is constantly asking for large amounts of money from you or others.

33) Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.

34) Deliberately saying or doing things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.

35) Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others.

36) Only interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role-playing.

37) Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.

38) Never shows you their human side. Is emotionless. Hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.

39) Has multiple on line identities for interacting with the same communities.

40) Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.

41) Is rude to public servants such as waitresses, cashiers and janitors. (A huge red flag for me in general. Have let good friendships go due to that. Shows a bigtime personality flaw in general and its a matter of time before you too get on their bad side!)

42) Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone.

You should have control of yourself, if you don't have that, you should not give up any level of control.

The Dom/Master should respect you, if he does not then, it won't last long.

Both must be honest, trust can not be built without it.

A Man who displays sensitivity will be a Master who is sensitive to you.
 
A Man who displays humility will be a Master who will show you respect.
 
A Man who is not afraid to cry will be a Master who understands your tears.
 
A Man who is quiet will be a Master who will hear your quietest whisper.
 
A Man who knows fear will be a Master who will not leave you to face yours alone.
 
A Man who will listen to a child will be a Master who will always work to understand your words.
 
A Man who can stand alone will be a Master who will not crush you under His weight.
 
A Man who controls Himself with ease will be a Master with the ability to control you in the same way.
 
A Man who does not have to prove His point will be a Master with many worthwhile points to share.
 
A Man who never makes demands will be a Master who treasures anything you give.
 
A Man who doesn't run after you will be a Master you will never need to run away from.
 
A Man who is calm will be a Master who can weather your storms.
 
A Man who has walked the path to peace will be a Master able to guide you along that path.

A Man who does not shout will be a Master who will never deafen you.
 
A Man who knows Himself will be a Master who will have time to know you.
 
A Man with an open mind will be a Master who never stops learning.
 
A Man who never stops learning will be a Master who never stops growing.
 
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you is the only Man truly worthy of being called your Master.








 

1/3/2010 4:30:01 AM

Its 4 am. I can hear the coyotes howling through our neighborhood. They shriek and look for food (IE pets that stupid people leave out at night). Scary.

I just got a note from someone who took time to say "ANOTHER STUPID DUMB ASS COUPLE POSTING IN THE SINGLES SECTION". Hmmm. I didn't answer, deleted it right away, so Ill answer here. Well, I suppose that might be true, if it were not for the fact that when I have played, its alone. He approves/disapproves, I play. The last year I have played totally without him present, and when he was? He hadn’t participated in several years. So thank you for your input. You have a nice day, fuckface, and fuck off now, ya hear?

Things are getting all fucked up anyway right now with play. He's sick of it all at the moment. I miss our bond, which has sadly wedged apart.

I have only actually played a couple times, but he thinks Im online obsessed with sex I think. And it couldn’t be further from the truth! Very rarely do I even go there. You know what I do? I chat with my friends on here. Period. That is what I do on here, especially this year. I love my friends too. I wish I had more platonic friends who understood me. Who have character. Who make me laugh like my one UK friend (whatsafeword) or like me for my personality (that sounds so stupid and virginal huh?). It will be a sad day when he leaves the site. 10 minutes a day answering mail and the rest of the time is exchanging notes, laughing, being silly. Talking about life and stuff. I wish he were closer. We would no doubt get into a ton of trouuble. Maybe it's a good thing that he's not!

I wish Whatsafeword would find a nice girl. He deserves it. A bunch of you guys do. I have met nice people on here.

You know, for as many fakes on this site, that you Doms must face, I have yet to find fake Doms myself. Well, there are a couple who have written I’m sure, but I'm pretty savvy these days. And they give themselves away by a few mi-nute details. Such as listing a International city, with a US state. Pretty easy to tell that way. 

Good, Motrin is kicking in and Im getting a little sleepy again. Thats all for now :) 


12/26/2009 1:51:32 PM
Sweet, I made whatsafeword's journal. Funny, he reposted one of my entries that had been removed. SUCH a rebel! Lucky he's not here in the states, his cheeks would be red from my pinching them for sure. Gotta love that guy!

12/21/2009 2:05:48 PM
I feel the wisp of his hand gently brush my face, a cruel trick to mask the beast to follow, one last pause before the sting of his wrath. Knowing his needs, taking a deep breath he gives thought with a wicked smile as to the purpose of why I am his at this moment. He shares nothing but his breath on my cheek...…

This muse reserved for specific use tonight, his cunt,  for his delight… to be ravished and taken, broken in all ways he wishes,… then put back again as the dedicated simple girl, a part of him will resonate for days, and there's no turning back.

My face slightly flinches as his hand continues the route... his gentle grasp disintegrates into a thousand shards of his firm fiery clutch, my hair now locked, his unwavering eyes tearing through my soul deeply, examining and listening to what he already knows… I cannot look, yet I cannot retreat. My body his offering.

For months my wall stood tall, holding back no more I close my eyes and jump into the arms of my sane demon. My submission releases like a flood traveling down though my body, legs weak, I let out a sigh and transform into the cunt he wishes me to be.

His pounce, he pulls everything from me, my inner struggle, my shame, he holds back not for his key to the passage has unlocked my submission, setting it free to flow like a wild river out of my cunt, my beating heart telling him all he needs to know.

His hands now a vice my breathing wells up in me as he cuts off my breath, looking down down down he envelopes my being, his prey… I am paralyzed in the lions’ grasp, taking in the loud beats of our hearts in perfect rhythm, his determined unbending squeeze, he tears down the last little bits of my wall, and the ride has begun.

12/21/2009 1:42:20 PM
Its so funny to me how someone will write, have nothing in their profile, not a pic, no BDSM interests listed etc, yet they will want to know if I will consider being sub to them, or inquire into details about me. Just makes me shake my head. I don't give out my information to strangers. I have to admit there are a few strange people who Ive given my info to, but note the difference.

12/21/2009 1:35:11 PM
Yum, taken hard by my hubby this morning. Damn I needed that. He can be just so wonderfully wicked when he wants to be, all the little bells and whistles are so fun now and then.

12/14/2009 8:22:16 PM
You know, I guess kicking someone in the balls for money wouldn't be so bad. What have I been thinking? Why do I fight these requests? Oh yea, Im a SUBMISSIVE.

12/1/2009 6:55:57 AM

One of the biggest joys that I love is flushing the toilet for my cats. They just love it, and to see the curious looks on their faces, it just makes me smile. Im just waiting for one to accidently jump in. Sadistic, I know.

I realize that is irresponsible and water wasteful.

Im kind of obsessive about it though as I think I must spend an extra $40 monthly on my water bill, and that could be going towards my cell phone. Before the water police write me, just know that nothing you say will most likely make a difference.

And if it’s any consolation I will be spanked again someday so I’m sure so that should help make up for it.

Its all choices and priorities I guess.

 


11/30/2009 6:13:13 PM
Wow, okay now Ive heard it all. "Snuff bear porn". Those UK folks are really sick mother fuckers but I can't help to still love them!

11/30/2009 4:40:47 PM

My friend Whatsafeword brought to my attention that online pics of BDSM teddy bears always seem submissive in nature.

I found this to be true as I did a search, and Ill be damned if he’s right (hate that as he’s ALWAYS right).

I haven’t found one bear that seems Dominant (holding a whip or something to that effect).

I have found them in all sorts of ways, tied, gas masked, stabbed through the head with a screwdriver (who does that?) etc… but none is Dominant in nature.

I’ve concluded that a couple may be switches.

Im still not sure though.

This has caused me to overanalyze this bear situation, and I am now on a quest.

They are all soft and cuddly types, kind of like my pet cat so I am indeed a slight bit perplexed.

After all it would seem that my pet cat is pretty passive, yet I sometimes wonder about him too.

He looks boyish and lovely eyed, then he will try and trip me at the top of the stairs.

This leaves me wondering about his true motivations. I’ve seen “The bad seed”. Hmmm.

My point is if any of you have pics of teddy bears in the Dominant role please send them.

I would love to prove him wrong.

I know that seems childish, but I suspect he’s the type that may like to hog the remote.  

This makes me crazy. If you hog the remote, maybe you can explain the thinking behind that.


11/29/2009 11:26:49 AM

Okay, Ive got it. Really, the most torturous thing anyone could ever do to me in BDSM.
As follows:

1. Tie me up VERY tight (it will need to be).

2. Place the headphones on my head.

3. Begin country music.

I can think of no other worse than that...


11/27/2009 10:16:11 AM

I have been getting a lot of notes lately about getting a second job off CM. Not sure what that is all about (something about money orders), but they say I can make $300 dollars a day working from my home. Wow! An amazing opportunity indeed. This was my reply:

"Dear __________,

I thank you so much for thinking of me! I would be honored and privileged to work for you from my home. The economy being what it is, I have been looking for a 2nd reputable opportunity. I'm afraid I was going to have to look for housing elsewhere as of late, so this opportunity came along at a PERFECT time! I seem to be getting a lot of offers from Nigerian Doms, very promising however since a lot of them are stuck there I must deposit oversees money from my bank account into their first,  but its ok as I am promised double the amount back when we hook up.  Can I give you any money to get started? Time is of the essence
J.

Sincerely,

subspaced67"

End of note...


11/26/2009 10:27:23 PM
To all my friends and even those who are not, I hope everyone is able to feel thankful for something today, and if not... something comes into your life to feel thankful for :)  Happy Thanksgiving.

11/24/2009 12:05:42 PM

Kicking it with calinipples today :)


11/24/2009 9:34:29 AM

You know, I don't mean to come off like a "prude", but really? A cock shot at the beginning of conversation? Am I the only one who is completely turned off by such so early on? Just kind of crass, and I can't really take you seriously staring at your cock pic before I know you, at least a little anyway. I mean, who does that? Pervy guys... I guess. But I know a lot of pervy guys who would never dream of just sending a shot of their cocks during the first couple of emails especially.


11/24/2009 7:05:39 AM
I came last night, and afterwards I realized it had been about 2 weeks before Halloween since I have. And it felt SO good! And my hubby told me how beautiful I am when I can just let go like that. And I felt beautiful riding him. Yummm.

11/23/2009 4:29:13 PM
Taking the bull by the horns, looking within me for the answers now. It's MY life, right? Taking responsibility for it is a wonderful thing.

And If I close my eyes and jump, in full awareness, and harbor a responsible and safe place to run to when needed, then that can't be a bad thing, right? Things are looking up :)

11/23/2009 6:02:06 AM

Whatsafeword's profile is the coolest most imaginative profile I have ever seen on CM. Longest as well. :)  It really is quite the scenario about a secretary showing up for work. Certain rules apply. Whitty too. Just very cool.

Those UK blokes sure have creativity...


11/21/2009 10:53:04 PM
Tried to make it to Passive Arts tonight. Was just way too wiped out, maybe another time. The hike this morning just threw me ALL off. Did manage to make it out for a couple hours locally tho, which was nice.

11/20/2009 4:47:10 PM

Missed it by that much! Coulda been an everyday normal square vanilla girl. Born, raised, school, dating, a virgin until my wedding night, raise our kids, be a wife, die blind deaf and dumb to the realities of the roller coaster, that silly little ol’ ironic left hand path… the occasional right hand that slaps my submission to the fore, but when I open my eyes, it's gone... a memory...and so is my submission.

The great awakening,  I know it would be a lot easier for my husband if I was just a kinky fuck like him  (along with some Dominance of course, no sub men in my life... that's for sure). Bang bang… a little cum on my face… he’s a happy perv.

I guess even though It would be so much easier in so many ways,  what's the choice?  Its just who I am. But still, no steady outlet at the moment. Sigh. 

And today a light bulb went off. A sad reality. I have forgotten a few things I had learned in life early on.  But that has changed now. I'm not going to let that part of me go away, not even temporarily.

If I were just a square white cake type of girl, would I be 42 trying to hang on to my youth? My submission? My sexuality? Dressing like a school girl? Trying to see where in this world I can fit into? Yet feeling like a square peg in a world of holes?  Maybe, maybe not...

SUBMISSION:
It’s in there. It is stubborn, and intense, picky and fickle. It doesn’t just show up with just anyone. Especially now. But it needs to come out, because I sometimes feel like I’m loosing it in other ways, like crying suddenly, or going out and drinking a little too much, or searching this big world trying to fill that hole in me, nothing seems to fill it these days.  

And this submissive sexuality, it’s NEVER at the surface when I want it to be. It comes out at times when there’s NO REAL RELEASE for it, or only with an unavailable shadow of once was.  And at this very moment it feels as tho it’s gone completely, my pilot light. So what good is it? This sexuality, that has SUCH a mind of it’s own? And I sometimes feel as tho I'm a loner in... 
I’m trying to hold on to something, and it’s getting pushed further and further away.

And my hubby doesn’t just trust anybody, another dilemma, and quite a dilemma really.

But I’m happiest when I’m a wet cunt, yet Im not content when Im a wet cunt... ironic but true. I now know what I need to do. 


11/19/2009 10:04:42 PM

Fetishes. There are many. Rubber, latex etc. Puppy girl, pony girl... All pretty specialized fetishes. Granted not for everyone. Kind of interesting actually. To get into that mindset of being a trained animal, whatever. Cool. I can see how something like that could be attractive to some. After all, not everyone is what Im into, and it takes all kinds to make this big world go round.
 
But I was emailing this person  last night. I guess he wants a pet around the house, a puppy girl, one who is really a woman, who acts like a little doggie. But doesn't want to ever have sex or anything cause that would be pervy or soemthing. Hm. Im just trying to understand that mentality of having someone, in this type of reltationship, but doesn't desire sex or anything, and is keeping it strictly plutonic. I cant wrap my head around it. Can you?

To not only not have sex along with it, they look at ME like an out of line perv to even suggest, or inquire out of curiosity in this case, if they penetrate their puppy girl in any way. As if it's unheard of for them to have a sub and actually USE her body, or have sex because she is a woman pretending to be an animal, and having sex with animals is forbidden. BUT SHES A FUCKING WOMAN. Wow.


11/19/2009 3:44:01 PM
I love candy...

11/16/2009 1:34:35 PM

Okay, can I just be honest here?

A lot of BDSM lifestylers on here and seem a bit clickish. Yep. I’m finally starting to see that. Am I mistaken? If I don't partake of letting them Dom me in public, or play with them right away, or go to the munches or the three (ish) big clubs, or dress in leather and wear shiny clothes, it seems I simply do not “qualify” in their book, to even really talk to.

You know what it reminds me of? The PTA moms at school. They too are clickish and unfriendly. Judgmental. Its like high school again. What a shame!
 
But guess what, I'm okay with it. Because there are a few people in those circles who have welcomed me, and made me feel like I’m not a leper or something.

To the rest, I’m sorry that I am not up to par.  Good luck to you.


11/16/2009 7:38:42 AM

So, the Bazaar… It was interesting. I didn’t know many yet I knew many. Does that make sense? I mean, I recognized people from years of seeing them here or other sites, yet had never spoken to them face to face. And it is indeed a small BDSM world. I really liked the club where it was held at. Hubby and I talked to a few friendly people but all in all observed more than anything, as we didn’t know many, and it seemed that most people knew everyone else, but cool to be there anyhow.

I tried to say hello to a couple of people who I had spoken with a little online and looked  kinda silly as they just looked at me like “um, er… okay”. I guess if you don’t jump on play with some people, they are not interested even in conversation. Oh well! But heck, I was there for me, and hubby who was very tired and hadn't gotten a lot of sleep came with, what a guy, and I got some wonderful old vintage books on discipline/spanking for $1 a piece! Damn, I should have gotten that lady’s number (bummer!).

And we did meet speak with one Master who I had seen on CM, he was truly cool to talk with. Down to earth and we felt really comfortable chatting with him. So it was a good excursion all in all. I’m glad we went!  


11/14/2009 11:33:22 AM

Bizarre bazaar should be cool. Hoping to find a couple good deals, maybe some vintage photos, run into a few friends that I know will be there. I know JUST what I will wear :) Nice skirt, corset, Pink sweater. Something vintage, appropriate, nice that I can wear to my engagement that evening afterwards.


11/13/2009 7:29:47 AM
Hike this morning with Calinipples. Yeaaaa~~~

11/12/2009 9:13:26 PM
2 days until the Bizarre Bazaar... :)

11/11/2009 11:50:32 AM
Internet is out at my home waaa! At Starbucks trying to work a couple of hours and answer a little mail as well. Fucking Time Warner!

11/9/2009 4:13:13 PM

The year of the cunt: Aged 42, 2009
Maintaining an even keeled sexuality, it’s always been a challenge. Sometimes I get to the point to just say fuck it, someone shoot this horse in the head… let it die (my sexuality I mean
J)  But although I do get frustrated now and then of course, I press on (whats the alternative?).

Too hot, trying to pull myself back, too cold, trying to keep my pilot light lit. And I feel that my pilot is barely lit right now, but I don’t wish to give up. Im 42 dammit. In my prime, I still look fairly good, I have a lot of submission to unleash (especially this year!) But it all takes so much energy, and relating to outsiders has been a challenge for sure. The fact is, this balance is due to relating with others, and experiencing the motivations/encumbrances from them. And my heart kind of hurts when I think of closing up shop. So that’s something I fight I guess.

And it takes time, and words, and chatting, and weaving in and out of others lives, trust, chemistry, meeting, getting hubby’s OK etc. So no wonder I am still somewhat in limbo with it all. And I’m feeling at this moment, that this world is quite a tricky place. And I’m Snow White in a wolves den at times, and I am dangling out here over a 20 story high building because I don’t trust anyone, yet I want to. And the hardest part with it all in particular, silly me HAS to be able to feel submissive chemistry with someone before I will even nearly “go there”. Ah, I guess the piper needs payment, never anything for free.

And I could just go behave like a slut and have empty play and see a bunch of men etc, but that is not good for me, and it’s just not “me” to do so, and I never want it to be. For I am true to myself… and. I. stay. A. good. girl.


11/6/2009 8:28:46 AM

Now and then just for shites and giggles I enjoy looking through craigslist posts. I am amazed by it, the extreme of "people watching" (although I have hooked up there a couple of times in the past, was never very good tho). Anyway, the chances people take.

From the guy who will pay $300 to fuck a girl bareback (as if one's health/life could be bought for $300!)

To the lonely millionaire in his Hollywood Hills home who wants a "real, down to earth woman who is not just there for his money" yet, funny enough he puts MILLONAIRE and Hollywood hills in the tag line. That’s sad to me.

To the guy who wishes to humiliate the good girl, and says "you can trust me", or the one who wishes to fantasy rape someone (give him your addy and leave the door unlocked), and maybe he is totally trustworthy, but hence... what a tragedy waiting to happen if he's not.

To the guy who is seeking someone pregnant or lactating or age play. So many fetishes.

To the group of Black guys seeking a White woman “Big Black cock for White”.
 

To the business man in the SFV who's asshole is bent over, ready and open for any guy who wants to unload in it and beat the shit out of him too (yikes)

To the guy at 3 in the morning who has a pile of coke or meth in front of him but no little whore to suck his cock while he hits his pipe.

To the hookers who prey on lonely guys, and visa versa.

To the couple searching for the elusive single female sub to join them in their bedroom.

To the traveler on business who is seeking something on the side, strangely a lot of those desire other Males, and I wonder how many take back diseases to their dedicated wife’s who take care of their kids and household while they travel.

To some of you here on CM and Alt who I recognize, and I don’t blame you for trying on there, as this site just seems to be overflowing with fake ads or hookers peddling their wares. J

 


11/5/2009 5:29:56 PM

So I called a MAJOR cell phone company. I needed to change over all sorts of stuff to this company. Then they transferred me to another person. Got to talking, friendly (while doing business). Then he asked for my ss#. He needed to run credit etc. I gave it to him. Then we were talking and I hit him up about his accent. Hes Nigerian. So I gave all my info to a guy from Nigeria, and the first thing that popped into my head was "now I'm fucked". But come on, it's through a MAJOR company. And not all Nigerians are scandalous. So I am saddened of how my first instinct was negative when I heard that he was from there. Just wrong to judge anyone, to do so by where they were born is unexcusable. 


11/5/2009 3:35:01 PM
I wish there were such things as magikal little faeries who kept track of my periods... Life would be so much easier! As regular as I am, its truly pathetic that it shows up as a surprise every damn time!

This entry is mainly for my personal use actually, sorry for the inconvienance. Okay, so I started this month on the Oct 24th so I have to count back exactly 5 days from that date and I will have the date of my next one (Nov 19th, then Dec 14th, then Jan 9th etc.).

Maybe this entry will give me some structure !

11/4/2009 9:29:51 AM

Um, er... okay :)
This is what someone sent me!!! Who would waste their time with a SUB female? So weird. Seems she was going so fast doing her hooker mass mailing she accidently clicked on my name.


"I'm really only looking for slaves with bank accounts big enough to pamper me as i step on their balls. Are you willing to serve me and obey me to the best of your ability with an open wallet? I will push you to the brink of cumming and slap you back to sanity with a kick to your puny little cock".

Enough said on this one. :)

11/2/2009 1:40:48 PM
Have been doing little writing as of late for the fuck of it

I feel the wisp of his hand gently brush my face, a cruel trick to mask the beast to follow, one last pause before the sting of his wrath. Knowing his needs, taking a deep breath he gives thought with a wicked smile as to the purpose of why I am his… at this moment… he shares nothing… but his breath on my cheek…

This muse reserved for specific use tonight… a cunt, a whore, for his delight… to be ravished and taken, broken in all ways he wishes… then put back again as the dedicated simple girl … a part of him will resonate for days, and there’s no turning back.

My face slightly flinches as his hand continues the route… his gentle grasp disintegrates into a thousand shards of his firm fiery clutch, my hair now locked … his unwavering eyes tearing through my soul deeply, examining and listening to what he already knows… I cannot look, yet I cannot retreat. My body his offering.

For months my wall stood tall, holding back no more I close my eyes and jump into the arms of a demon. My submission releases like a flood traveling down though my body, legs weak, I let out a sigh and transform into the whore he wishes me to be.

His pounce, he pulls everything from me, my inner struggle, my shame, he holds back not for his key to the passage has unlocked my submission, setting it free to flow like a wild river out of my cunt… my beating heart telling him all he needs to know.

His hands now a vice my breathing wells up in me as he cuts off my breath, looking down down down he envelopes my being…his prey… I am paralyzed in the lions’ grasp… taking in the loud beats of our hearts in perfect rhythm, his determined unbending squeeze, he tears down the last little bits of my wall, and the ride has begun.

11/2/2009 10:19:30 AM
Threw up a few sic cartoons that move me...  :)

10/28/2009 7:31:31 AM
Now THIS profile "gets it". So many just want to strip a girl without putting her back together again :(

"I will break you, I will tear you apart, watch you crumple into a heap in my arms, trembling in the shame of your girl filth. And then I'll put you back together again; my touch turning into a gentle caress, my calm voice will whisper soothing words into your ear, restoring you to your proper place, returning my princess to her pedestal."

DevilAmongAngels

 

10/25/2009 10:05:50 PM
They each know different parts, and collectively they know who I am on most levels, but not one in the same. On all fronts of my everyday life, my friends, family, parents only know what I show them. And I must be a strong girl to run this life. Occasionally my two selves come together. There are glimpses I guess.

Yet I’m fragile. And I try to be sweet. And respectful, and I try to always be considerate to others. A giver… and these days it’s all about being the “good girl”, whatever exactly that is. Not sure anymore actually. But I still feel like a good girl for the most part, so I must still be. (?) If I am what I feel...

What drives my inner little girl anyway, the hidden one that only very few see? The drive to be good? Or to behave? I'm not sure that applies now after healing somewhat, and now being in charge of my own destiny (?).

After all, I do nothing I don’t wish to, and as much as I am driven by my inner little girl, I am on a journey here, yes... a hard one at times, but it's mine I guess.

But I’m finding that my submission has a mind of it’s own…it never quite goes away, but it doesn’t show itself easily either. It’s present always, it’s part of who I am. It’s shy and delicate yet fiercely stubborn, as it’s held under lock and key and doesn’t come out when it’s not “feeling like it”, regardless of what I want.

But because it’s always under the surface, my brain tingles with dancing visions of what could be. My submission wants to push outside of me like a raging force, but the very kind of force it takes to break it out is merely a mirage at the moment. A distortion of illusory. Shiny keys.

So it stays buried tightly under many layers of rock. Throwing itself in vain against my wall, not to be released. It settles back again like a dragon that sleeps, in wait.

All the while my brain spins it’s wheels, and tries to fruitlessly force feed the ghosts I chase. Using mirrors and the bending of light, I try to trick it to come out. But it knows, my dry cunt a dead givaway.

The evident bruises show my futile attempts of the unwavering hand that never crossed my submission’s path. So it remains intact, and still waits...

10/24/2009 2:19:46 PM
From my good friend:

Almost everyone is haunted by shadows of self from their Soul. Your former self is still there, underneath it all, like a ghost. If your cannot let her go entirely then you need to communicate with her. To help her to heal and grow out of what she still is, so the wounds turn to scars and the scars slowly dissolve. So instead of running from those feelings you may need to face them if this were another person you were helping, and in doing so, finally conquer them. Let light shine on your deepest self and those things will evaporate under the sun of who you are now.

LADaddyDom1


10/23/2009 9:47:15 PM
Friday night, Mentos... Starbursts... my animals. Im set :)

10/17/2009 9:28:29 PM
"So it's the edge you seek?" someone writes to me.

"The E D G E". Hmmm. The edge? You mean THE edge? Well, no...I don't think I do. I hate needles, cutting, extreme breath play. No, not me. And ESPECIALLY now. My edge play in the past was pretty dark and fearful actually.

But the edge play that I read about with others, within a trusted Union, the push of offering new challenges, asking of your submissive go beyond where they think they can, for you… to take her further, to trust deeper, finding that one trigger to pass the point she thinks she can handle. Yea, that edge is very cool to an outside observer such as myself.

But the dark edge… a different story. True fear? Not 100% trusting, the unknown? LIFE is fearful and unknowing. I walk on the edge everyday, just driving in my car is living on the edge. I guess that's not as exciting as feeling a knife against my throat tho, huh? Hm. I agree, and yes sometimes there is a part of me that craves "The Edge", if I'm to be honest here. However that’s a part of me that I’m still working on.

So no,  I am not seeking THE EDGE. But it’s nice to know that if I did seek it out, I have permission to do so. I am a sexual being after all.  Part of my new self awareness. But the conditions are different now. I wouldn’t seek out play because I’m in my dark room... a gripping mess,  making the hurt go away by self destruction, or desiring pain, or violence, or living in my past, guilty, frustrated over something I want and can't have...no... I will not be blackmailed any longer by my inner chaos or my emotions... my guilt… period. That part of me had to leave, and it must be gone, I guess… it seems to be anyway. 

So if I was seeking something, It would be calculated and responsible, with my hubby's blessing, as it should be. Seems self medicating is not so bad at times, when needs are too extreme and can no longer be ignored and swept under the rug, and I forgot what it’s like to give myself a fucking break. I AM ONLY HUMAN.

So I now resonate and embrace my power, the inner force I forgot I’d had. It was not what I wanted or sought, in fact I fought it dearly... but looking back I guess it made me pull up my boot straps and be self sufficient...an undesired natural occurrence, and somewhat accidental by leaving me to my own devices. Slowly gaining independence and strength. As it was sink or swim. The survivor in me kicked in. And the meds. So I embrace my untimely... yet specific (and universally calculated)  independence... care of my dear unwavering and very stubborn universe, that seems to give me NOTHING when I want it, and when it finally does, its NEVER what (or when) I expect. For I once wished upon a star...thrice actually... and I guess this is the effect of... my final answer...the lesson, be careful what you ask for, the answer just might not be what you expect.  I now manifest my own bittersweet journey. My god, what have I done?

This lifestyle seems crazy and out of control at times, but now I see its within us that lies the chaos. My lost power and self control... now found, the last stroke of my paintbrush...my self portrait is officially finished. My self audit is closed and locked. And I have only just now, this month… reached TRUE settlement. Full circle.

And as I look over my shoulder I see my old shaking and quivering slut that once was my dark shadow, now behind me. A weepy and weak girl. An empathetic glare I give her, I watch her for a minute... she is mesmerized, watching with her lowly, lifeless eyes… at the idol status I have achieved. I toast her death. A wink and a smile, then I walk away to see her glazy continued stare as she fades from my vision.

We no longer walk together.
And with my loss of her, left all the guilt, indecisiveness, the troubled heart, now replaced with a new and better model. A fresh start.

But you know with all of that, my wants and desires for myself. You know what really turns me on as I write this?

My loved ones and animals

Roasted marshmallows, Kettle corn and cake with butter cream frosting, Belgium Chocolate

The small hint of satisfaction I get from righting an injustice with a stupid person

A mixed drink with top shelf liquor

Kissing my husband

Talking on the phone or hiking with my friends

And as always there’s a time and a place for everything

10/15/2009 9:32:18 PM

Okay, warning. This may not be warm and fuzzy (like my cunt :).

I am cleaning house! Uncluttering my inbox. I have 101 pages of old (all answered btw) CM mail! I am going through, page by page. And I have to say, it's getting easier. A "glimpse".

First, I can instantly delete the following without even reading:

Any profile that is light blue.

Anyone out of state that I never got off the ground with.

Anyone younger than 40.

Anyone who is an asshole.

So out of 101 pages, I think I can lower it down to 20 maybe? Not even sure why I keep old mail, for reference maybe?

ALSO, (and I do apologize for the rant) Anyone who is obviously caucasian who says "other" under ethnicity. Not that it is a huge deal but WTF??? Are they mental? Okay, so they had a great, great grandmother who was Italian, or Native American, or Irish or whatever. THAT DOES NOT MAKE YOU OTHER!!! You are still caucasian white boy. So what if you have distant blood running through your veins. "Im Irish". Oh yea? Were you born there? Did YOU do anything to help the that group of people go further in any way, shape or form? No? Wouldn't that mean your ROOTS are Irish but you are AMERICAN? Stop! Its just dumb...



 



10/15/2009 8:33:18 PM
Wow, really, REALLY? I really left myself signed in to CM for 5 hours?

10/12/2009 3:05:05 PM

What are we all doing here? Running around, doing the nasty things we dream of. Some holding their hand low to not tilt and show the little debaucheries within, others holding a huge sign saying "look at me!". Others trying to maintain balance in a relationship that intertwines this lifestyle. Little fires to put out. Little fires to ignite. Everybody is in it for something.

What is it all for? Fulfillment? Perversion? Healing of ones soul? Beating others?Ego? Giving/serving? A way of life?
 
We are simply animals, yet animals who try to control this urge, our motivation, being of (somewhat) higher intelligence than that of our little friends (animals) who happily fuck who they want, they don't question why, they don't question how, they don't hold back, they just fuck. But they also don't know the feeling of their legs getting weak, the fast breathing, the electricity shooting through one's body, when One grabs a handful of hair... the steady thin stream from the tip of a finger while pulling away from a wet cunt to one's mouth.
 
And this is in us, it's a part of us, this lifestyle is actually permanently engraved, stamped into our very soul, after Pandora’s box first opened. You remember when that was don't you? That very first time it clicked there is no longer vanilla in your world? And there's no turning back. God help us...


10/11/2009 11:09:52 PM
Trying to go to sleep, need to go to sleep, can't seem to go to sleep :)

Happy dreams and nightmares everyone!

10/11/2009 9:47:46 PM
First note "mmm what a sexxy yummy cock loving cum hungry fucktoy"

Second note "such a sexxy lil fucking whore.. keep up the good work"

Really REALLY?
 
Hmmm. I know it's supposed to be a compliment (I guess), and yes, I enjoy being called names (really, fucktoy/cunt/bitch/even whore etc) but thats ONCE I HAVE SUBMITTED TO YOU... Because then and only then have we reached that level of knowing me well enough, and care for me on some level, and know Im a good girl, so you can make me, or call me what you want... but... for someone to write to me, on a first e mail basically and write this lame shit,  let me just be perfectly clear...
 
I.
 
AM.
 
NOT.
 
A.
 
FUCKING.
 
WHORE.

for what it's worth... :)

10/8/2009 10:45:53 PM

 
The gloves are lined up from short to long. Black (short)... White satin...(opera) Black satin (opera) Creme Pink satin... (extra long opera

Seems as tho I have developed a slight obsession with satin gloves as of late. And I can't stop looking at them. The feel, so soft. Shiny, wonderful things they are. They hug my fingers tight, they make me feel beautiful, I love them. Gloves for all occasions.

Next row, White OBG (open bottomed girdle), Black OBG, Pink OBG.....still collecting those, and have seen a few all in ones I fancy as well.

Stockings. I have many. But only like a couple. Good quality, cuban heel, straight seam...lined up perfectly flowing up the back of my leg. Yep, I definitely need more of those.

And I have a new Black sheer body stocking. It looks good, it hides my imperfections, open bottom, closed foot, spaghetti shoulder straps. I feel good in it.

Recently tried on a vinyl waist cincher. I never gave them a lot of thought, but I think I really like them now, and definitely need to seek out at one point. I saw one in the mall awhile back too, had a vintage feel... I must get that cincher come to think of it.

So I sit here on my bed, completely enveloped by my lingerie... mentally and physically immersed. Sic huh?? Just warms my heart…


10/8/2009 7:37:53 AM
Thursday... one more night and a get up til the weekend. Yea!

10/7/2009 12:54:32 PM
Fuck fuck fuck... Been forever... and I did cum yesterday, but got a fucking headache! Then again today I tried to cum again, but even just fucking myself with a dildo, not even near cumming, I felt it coming on again so I stopped. I am SO fucked... 

10/6/2009 7:02:09 AM

Okay... I woke up WAY too early... again. When I look at the clock and it still says 4 something (am) I know I am so screwed for the day. But damn, just can't sleep.

Im trying this new type of medicine (topical) for my hands (arthritis) and Im hoping it works. Funny how I sometimes crave pain, yet I hate living with pain daily! How warped it that? Its different though. The pain I would experience during play, accompanies my submission, a WHOLE different ball game.

     Needing it to be taken, needing to give control away, even for a couple of hours, feeling it throughout my soul, I know what I need. I just know these things take time, or it’s just emptyness afterwords, and not worth it.

And lately my frustrations have been surfacing in other areas of my life. Overall Im really good for the most part, but I do cry now and then, and am having a little bit harder of a time dealing with work, lifes pressures, family stuff etc.

I know what I need dammit! I need a day at the spa... (that is a good thrashing in a motel room) When I have that, I feel as tho I just spent a day at the spa, refreshed, content, and ready to face the world.

I put my sexuality away for years at a time before, but it was from the trauma of my hubby stifling it (usually a sudden occurrence), he would trip, stop all play, then I would be forced to push it down. I hated that. Resented it. But I did it... I had no choice in the matter, for HE. IS. MY. BOSS.

But he has come a long way, and knows my needs now, and knows how much I love him, and that NO ONE can replace him. What a guy. And Im not sure if it's because I am reverting backwards, hitting my 40's or what (midlife crisis?), but I'm embracing my need for alt sex now, and letting go of the chains of guilt around my heart.

     I am entering a new phase in life. And letting baggage fall to the floor, through help with my friends, because life is just too short, and it's about fucking time...

But scening, Hubby just doesn't like all the heaviness of it, so I try to spare him of the "big bad", i.e tears, sobs, heartfelt whimpers etc (never has been his cup of tea, although he can get me there very easily). We have a much deeper loving connection when we do go there (other than his default of some humiliation, he’s the only one I enjoy that with actually, not big on it otherwise), for I trust him more so than anyone, and I can cum because of that with him (only have done that with one other, in almost 2 decades). So as a rule I just don't think about cumming a whole lot with others. It’s mental and a trust issue I think.

I now know what I remind myself of these days, a 40 something EMO! ..........

I feel sorry for the next one who touches me, for I will surely become an emotional mess when I finally do let all this pent up sexual energy out. Lucky him... (my dance card is full btw so please don't write telling me to meet you, I don't work that way, and my trust issues won't allow it with just anyone anyway.)

Then there are the ones who write, even from other states/countries, who wish to do all sorts of sadistic things to me, like needles through my eyelids and such, can anyone say "Hostel"? Not my thing... sorry.

Last night, I was chatting with someone (who shall remain anonymous). It would seem as tho I was chatting with someone who has a very real, and somewhat unbalance dark side.

It's funny, but the true dynamic of BDSM play, it's very controlled with most everyone I talk to about the subject. Even sadists, and EXTREME sadists, as a rule they all have one thing in common, they are very highly disciplined and in complete control of themselves, balanced, as unbalanced as they sometimes appear.

Yes, they wish to hurt you, but they also want you to desire for them to hurt you on some level, (whether you supposedly know it or not .) Or they push in hopes you will grow into it, and even make you beg for it, they wish to take you there, to new heights, to a place where you ache for them to do these harsh things to your body.

But now and then, there will be someone, and it doesn't happen often (luckily), who will have a true dark side, which is not controlled. And I tend to bring that out in them (for some reason, maybe the things I say?). Because after all, one thing I know well, is a true rapist’s mind.

So here is a person, whose inner demon has little to no control, is chaotic. Until the need becomes too much, and he holds himself back, but then succumbs to it. Luckily he has the sense to find someone who truly desires real rape, and has the same need deep within. Luckily indeed, he has the sense to not cross the delicate line within him, or he would really damage society in a big way.

But in his search on CM etc… finding a match for him, it's almost not enough for him, because what sets this man apart from others, is the desire for her NOT to want what he does. Can't (truly) rape the willing. Initially she will want it, will think she does anyway. And she might know what she is getting herself into, but I don't think so.

     She wants him to ravish and cut her, which in fantasy can be appealing, but with him... Im not so sure it's safe. So in her search, she really needs to find someone who has self control, who can “go there”, but has set limits and self integrity, to not really injure her psyche. But Im not anyone’s mother, that’s for sure… (well I am, but not in this context).

So by the time it's all said and done, he wishes to take, maim, force, strip. His motivation is to force a woman to do, exactly what she does not want to do. To overpower a crying woman, to see the fear in her eyes, to hold a knife to her throat and even go as far as to cut her, he wants that. And she thinks she does.... But shes 22... enough said on that. You get the idea. Such a big scary world sometimes, I choose to stay in my comfortable fishbowl, baby stepping, and looking out at the danger.




10/4/2009 8:57:17 PM

"To be a star, you must shine your own light, follow your own path, and don't worry about the darkness, for that is when the stars shine brightest".

10/2/2009 10:10:21 PM
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming . ."Wow! What a ride!"

9/30/2009 1:18:44 PM



no no no No No NO NO NO NO! This is not happening... reject... ignore… That’s what I told myself last night. NO!!!! This is not going to happen. Walk away. Run away. Get on. Faster. To the door. I'm BETTER than that. As if! Back, back, back, walking back. The hollow feeling in my gut that was building, now getting fainter. That’s it, almost to your friend now. Don’t look back, it’s bad… your good… that’s a girl… it’s dirty and harmful and your slut is no longer with you. Go to the light, leave the dark for somebody else who doesn’t love herself like you do. You will NEVER again accept such a situation, it is simply not in you to do so.  You are your own person now. You deserve better. I passed the (very) unexpected test.

Interesting situation last night. Went to my little dive bar. Haven’t been there in way too long. Just really missed that place. I noticed a few acquaintances. A couple that I really like. Nice people. Playing pool. A couple of other regulars there. But they had to leave. Next game, name on the board popped up. Two friends together, but the one friend let his friend play me cause I was next. Heavy set guy. 40ish. Looking around, a few familiar faces. So I started the game. Chatting away, talking etc. Had ONE drink. Then I won. He offered to buy me a drink. I declined. He offered again. I declined again. I explained that I’m drinking slow and two max. He was a little buzzed I could tell.

Can’t remember my exact words but whatever I said I thought was rather innocent, but it brought out his beast instantly so I was second guessing what I said. Something like “thanks anyway but no. I wouldn't’t want to end up in the car park, trying to drive but too drunk, in a situation” etc. Actually I don’t remember what I said but it was something along those lines. Nothing major, but a throwaway comment to get my point across that I didn’t want his fucking drink.

His response was something he would probably hide normally but because of being drunk he “went there”. He replied, “drunk or not, I’ll just take what I want anyway, so Ill repeat, can I buy you another drink? Don't worry, Ill take good care of you”. what? What? WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME??? As if!!!

Now I have dealt with drunk obnoxious assholes, many in fact. But he was different. A few minutes earlier my intuition told me to reject his drink. He had something in him that was odd. Very odd, and I had actually picked up on it. Am I in the twilight zone? Did he just say? ... At first I had to absorb, he JUST said that? It was out there. Fucking psycho. So bold. He stood on it, was staring at me, looking for my reaction. His friend didn’t hear what he said. This was between me and him. A hell of a line. I looked at him. "Don't look away girl" I said to myself. There was no looking away. Our eyes connected.

Is it me? Is it something I threw off? How did he know? Do I have “baggage” or "victim" on my forehead? Was I acting submissive? What did I throw off to make him think he could say that to me? I didn’t think I did anything. I wasn’t being flirty that I could tell. This was a test for sure. Calling me out hu?

My gut. I felt his comment resonate through my gut. Then came the fear. Then the knots. That stomach wrenching vice. Then came my disgust. I felt sick. Then angry. Then I felt my cunt was wet. Then the guilt of that, even though it wasn't a conscious thing, then conviction. The torrid cycle, just from one comment, his words could do such a thing to me. Fuck! Why am I so sick? Why do I do that? I suddenly felt as tho it was my fault.

Scrambling to remember our conversation. What did I say exactly? I started having feelings of guilt. Did I do this? Is my slut sabotaging me? Was it the drink I had affecting my judgment?

My halo pushing down my horns. Getting a grip NOW. Ignore it... "Stay focused girl, you did nothing to justify such a fucked up, off comment" I thought to myself. It was HIS problem, HIS struggle, not mine. The only thing I did was decline a drink. That's what I did. Plus an explanation as to why I declined. It pissed him off. He's drunk and horny and acting aggressive. It happens. But I'm STRONG now. I wanted to kick him in the face actually, and I think I could have knocked him off his chair if I timed it right. But that is no way to behave in this place which I love.

But I said nothing. I turned around. I backed away. I started to walk towards the door, reaching for my cell phone to call hubby and let him know I was on my way, a bit shaken, looking back he almost looked like he was getting up. Then came my friend through the door. Relief. Big smile.

The hollow feeling in my gut that was building, now getting fainter. That’s it, almost to your friend now. Don’t look back, it’s bad… your good… that’s a girl… it’s dirty and harmful and your slut is no longer with you. Go to the light, leave the dark for somebody else who doesn’t love herself like you do. You will NEVER again let anyone touch you like that. You are your own master now. You deserve better.

"Good girl" I heard in my mind. I passed.


9/28/2009 9:23:27 PM
Hm. Contemplating ME time. I really don't do enough of it, and I was told by a friend I should consider getting off line and doing something constructive this evening (in so many words) after being online all day (working mostly). Hubby is gone out for the evening. But I should do? I hate TV as a rule.  So I sit here in the dark? New Dexter maybe.  Or read? Isn't that something I can do online? Or eat? I haven't done too much of that today. Eating sounds good. But do I really want to get dressed to go get something? Or cook? Or go out, kick it by myself?  Besides I was reamed by a plumber today for a lot of money that I don't even have (and not even in the fun way, damn plumbing!). I could clean? Fuck. Im afraid I don't know what the heck to do with myself. And by the time I figure it out it will be time for bed anyway. So much for ME time :)

9/28/2009 1:01:41 PM

Sheesh, just realized I didn't spell check. About 6 mispelled words! Corrected now :)

Just a few random thoughts. Im feeling like a big girl again.

Things back to normal, what ever that is :)

Actually, normal? Did I say that? Yikes, we don't want that now do we? Well, rest assured, Im anything but normal on my best day so Im not too worried.

But, being a soccer mom etc does make me appear normal somewhat anyway. Thank goodness for character building social stepford programs. Helps maintain the lie :)

Sometimes I look around me, and at the people in the world, and I wonder... what Im doing here? But then again we are all in this existence together so I know others probably have those thoughts as well. I CANT be the only one, right?

Last night I went out for a spell. Nothing major, just to a little bar. I actually don't like this little place but I went to see a friend. Too loud, too "secular" for my taste. Ill explain what I mean about that. When I go to my usual little place (not the one I went to), I feel cutoff from the outside world. Not vulnerable. People behave there. The bartenders don't just let all hell break loose. Its "responsible". So when I go to a bar that’s not like that, it just seems chaotic now. There’s no protection outside of myself for drunks that approach etc. I feel that I have no back up. But I made the most of it, drank very light. Was home early, it was nice seeing my friend anyway (she was 86'd from my regular bar that I like and this one is close to her house so she can walk, hence having to go there to see her).

And this morning I watched a Halloween movie with my hubby. And it got me inspired about the holiday coming up. So Ill read a few fall magazines and concentrate on what I want to do for that special night since it falls on a Saturday this year (yea!). Family stuff for the most part. Stay good, focused.


9/27/2009 4:04:31 PM

Nice day with my fam.


9/26/2009 8:51:53 AM
Finished my newest flogger, see new pic. Im happy with it, not bad for an amateur :)


9/24/2009 2:15:16 PM
Sept 24th :(

9/22/2009 11:10:45 AM

Whew. I made it. So much better. Yesterday sucked but I got through it. Just puttering around today. A little work.

Looking back, when I grip, the thing is, it's not a sexual motivation, it's much deeper than that. Although sexual frustration could enter into it a bit too. It's hard to explain. But Ill try.

It's an emotional motivation. I will have a sudden feeling of stress that has been triggered for whatever reason (thank goodness it doesn't happen all the time). Like I just took a hit of crack or something (for lack of a better example). In this case it was my husband leaving for a week. So I will feel this deep feeling in the pit of my stomach that I just can't shake. It won't go away on it's own, or it will take a long while to go away on it's own.

A tool that I have found to make it go away all at once, is pain. To push through it. I tend to migrate towards my past experiences and the only way I can get those images out of my head is to face them head on with someone. That makes me cry, and get it all out quickly. And that is the darkness that I have always sought out during those times. But, something changed in me awhile back. Doing things in a responsible way for the good of me. I want to do things right. I want to be good. Dammit.

So I fight doing it, because after I do something like that, I sink drastically unless it's with a person I know extremely well, and trust. I have only played with one person since my "awakening" and I don't experience the usual sinking feeling that can accompany with him, and I have healed a ton through those few experiences. But he's not available. And of course my hubby being gone is the reason I feel this way in the first place. And I can't do it by myself, I have to have another person, but I don't trust anyone. So it would have to be with a stranger, and that is not for the good of me, at all. 

So that was my dilemma yesterday...


9/21/2009 2:46:23 PM



When did my sexuality and emotions become so attached? Sometimes I see all the great changes I have made. But then, a day will come, catching me off guard where I feel so weak and that I havn't changed at all. Then the guilt of my own thoughts will pierce me like a knife. I WANT TO BE A GOOD GIRL. But this need is getting harder to deny. I will dive into work, and not concentrate on my own thoughts. Stay close to freinds and people who care about me.

When I was dating my husband (many years ago), being very newly recovered from drug use, I would of course have cravings/callings. When this would happen I would do anything to stop it, so I could remain on the right path. But the only thing that would work is running into his arms and begging for him to slap me, to dominante me until the feeling went away. I also discovered that taking a xanax would make the ill feelings pass. Then I felt better. But that is no longer an option.

Hubby left for a few days this morning. I miss him. I am unsettled. I am a good girl, but I am struggling. When I am feeling lost, this can happen. My horns are sprouting. I CRAVE PAIN. So what has changed? I want the sting of a crop coming down upon my ass, I want punishment for these thoughts I have been having. I want this feeling to just fucking go away. But I need to stay on the right path and be a good girl while my hubby's away. Because I realize this feeling will subside so ill ride it out. After all, I don't want to feel worse...


9/20/2009 9:54:22 AM
"Your only here one time so why waste it on things that have happened and are now in the past. Fuck it live for now."

Whipher1

9/19/2009 7:57:05 AM

Just a thought, for those of you who have "expert" checked marked next to every single one of your interests, rethink it. Even if it's true, to do so just screams ego and insecurity. If you are a truly an expert at everything, you don't need to proclaim it so outwardly. "The only true wisdom, is knowing you know nothing".

Socrates


9/16/2009 10:18:03 AM
Thank you so much nascentD for the awesome pic work :)

9/15/2009 3:15:10 PM

A peek into my more "interesting" mail:

 >>>Exposing your traumas, your damage, like you have cut open your psyche and shown the world what makes you tick. The question becomes why? Why tell us all what you are? Why tell those who look and seek, what a broken toy you are?
 
That’s FORMER broken toy to you. And boy that is nuthin… have you ever met a sub that is not? (Be honest!) I am an open book. So I would ask you, why not put myself out there? And why did you read my profile anyway? Because I am interesting? Or so you can write to me and tell me how delusional  I am?

>>>Anyone who reads those words knows your claim to be fixed to be a lie. That your no longer needing to be raped and savaged is comical.

 ANYONE? You are GENRALIZING my dear sir. If being a work in progress makes me a liar, then so be it. I do have my moments where now and then I will revisit my past darkness, but it’s not a need believe me, it’s not to feel the pain of that night of being taken, but to let go of the anger of such is why I do that. And I have. So rape play is something I am definitely not in touch with at this time.

And how can I be responsible for how others take my writings? The reality is I blog for myself. And I JUST started moving my alt blogging to here btw (shameless plug). SOME men do get my profile exactly as I meant it. Some men try to bring out my past humiliations interesting enough. Some men hide in their houses with freezers full of female body parts (am I warm?). And my profile is honest, honest engine. At least I thought it was. Maybe I am just fooling myself though?  You think? :)

 I have always desired for people to know me, and being "out there" has netted me wonderful friends from this site.

I would invite you to look at and comment on my alt blog. Hell, I was going to stop writing on alt all together, but if YOU post comments on there, that would be enough for me to continue it :)

>>>Your photos show the lie just as well, the need.

Ah, yes. “The need”. That darn need. They do indeed. And I do have the need, but not for heavy rape scenarios. The only need I  have is to feel my submission. With that being said, if I am with a Dom I TRUST (key) and he wishes that of me, I can go there. But I now get most wet, not from face slaps and humiliation, but from bondage, spankings, discipline and serving someone who I know cares about me. Oh and from psychos who wear their mothers dresses. Can’t forget about them. After all they are always good for a thought provoking post
J.


>>>None of the photos show your face, not to protect your identity but to protect you lie
 
No, it's to protect my identity actually. Sorry. :)

>>>in every one you will be beaming, hungry, gloriously passionately begging to be taken and used.
 
Well fuck yea... Absolutely. Hey! Those are the same words you wrote in your profile under desired persons!  Are you hitting on me? Is that what this is about? Maybe I am misunderstanding your intentions here? And to be ravished is awesome! I have MANY pics that show the desire and passion to be used (as does my Hubby). Because I LIVE for being used HARD. But I wonder, what does that have to do with my written profile and not desiring rape play? I never say once that I don't love to be used. Cause I do, silly. And the harder the better. Just not with everyone.


>>>Right under your husband's nose you are proclaiming what you are, and begging to be raped like an animal.

Um. Er… how does one make a mask from human skin? Cause this line sounds somewhat disturbing. Ill pretend I didn’t read the “begging to be raped like an animal” part J.

>>>Even the pathetic commentary in your blog demonstrates this truth, your husband used you in the night to reclaim his territory, but to you it is a two line statement of fact, and nothing to do with you hunger. He fucked you while you slept, raped you, but apparently it was not enough to arouse you....

Well the funny part is he fucked me while I was somewhat drunk lol, passed out from an evening out with the girls. Don’t you see the humor in that? Lol, your question, then my answer, tee hee. It is kind of funny don’t you think? Ha ha… um. No? Maybe it’s just my humor then. Never mind (head down, straight faced), moving on.

>>> Does he at all?

What do you think?


9/15/2009 9:29:56 AM

You know what is ironic? That I HATE humilation, yet love it when my hubby does it. He tends to objectify during sex, and I guess because he loves me so much, I accept it and enjoy it... but only from him...


9/14/2009 3:20:52 PM

Many years ago in the midst of a very ugly time, where the cockroaches would scatter below me on the dirty sidewalks, and the sky was my only cover, flowers were the one thing that would bring beauty and warmth to my sad and broken soul. I absolutely loved them, the colors, the life, the smell, the feel.  I would walk along the streets looking at the houses, imagining what the occupants inside were doing, with their full refrigerators, and their happy hearts that some didn't even know they had due to life’s responsibilities and pressures.  A couple houses stand out in my memory that had beautiful English gardens with cobblestones. My stalking eyes turning away abruptly as I was caught peering  at them. One lady invited me over to take a closer look. Bless her. Times like that restored my faith in people. I was trustworthy though. I think she knew that.

At the time, I was addicted to drugs (short period of my life, many years ago) and as you may or may not know, drugs take every bit of warmth and beauty from you whether you are prepared or not.

When I first started doing drugs, I just loved the way my eyes looked. Vibrant and sexy. I would go out and dance the night away, feeling that crazy energy. Loved the way I felt and looked. Not a care in the world, and I did have quite a bit of ego (it’s the age tho, why do you think there are so many “domes” here in their early 20’s?). But in a short time, the person I was looking at in the mirror had no life left in her eyes.  My soul looked and felt simply dead, and looking back after, drugs lead me to places that such a sweet girl should never go. 

There were no joys allowed plain and simple. My drugs made sure of it. I had loved holidays dearly growing up, that feeling of magic that would accompany them, but during that time I had no idea when the holidays were happening, the only way I would know is when the do gooders would bring food to the homeless, and even then, I could care less why…I was just in my own world and reality was very fuzzy.

So moving on, my very favorite thing was to hang out in nurseries amongst the plants and flowers! I even had my very own garden, during the short time I had a place that is (advertising out of a local  sex  mag for massage out of my little SFV room).  I did have a small yard and I used every inch of it for my flowers. I loved mini roses, vines, and my very favorites were Fuchsias! Fuchsia trees and plants would make me laugh and feel good. Talk about a flower that looks straight out of a fantasy kids movie! They were brightly colored, pink and purple, they looked like candy hanging from a tree. I absolutely loved them, giving them all the care I could, being in the foggy fantasy dreamland that was my world as I knew it.

But sadly I couldn’t keep them alive no matter what I did, it just wasn’t enough. I could barley take care of myself after all, never eating hardly a thing, staying awake for days at a time. And when they died, I think that’s when my despair really set in. It was just too much. Their beauty represented to me the beautiful life I had left behind, my family and friends. And when my garden died, it was simply too much for me.

It didn’t take long after that to spiral downward into a depth of darkness to which I almost didn’t recover from. First I lost my place, then I lost my car. Then I had nowhere but the leeches and creepy crawlies who preyed on such a girl. There were many.

And each time you try to get clean and fail, the spiral goes deeper. I had screwed myself royally this time. And my lesson in spiritual growth had officially begun…
 


9/13/2009 12:07:07 PM

Somehow I managed to accumulate 25 unanswered notes in my box again(!). How does that happen so fast? Whew, was able to knock them out (again) J

I think my hubby had his way with me in the night from the snatch full of cum this morning. "Reclaiming my territory" his words I vaguely remember at the moment.

I have a new friend, she is really sweet. Just a doll. Unfortunately she is somewhat of an alcoholic. Went to this new bar (as she was sadly 86’ed from our local hangout). She is searching now. I wasn't feeling this bar at all. Drinks were weak, a couple undesirable people there migrated to me, fucking aggressive lunatics  (“white power woods” , making sure to remind me often, so imo that shows a certain weakness right there clinging to their backasswards identity). But before I had a chance to blow them off I had my very own cock blocker to do it for me, my new friend who waved them off me as quick as they approached. Everyone else there was very nice btw.

Then my friend wanted to go to a country western bar (of all places, not really my thing anyway) and I was dreading it. They were line dancing to ZZ Top (!) but you know what? We ended up having a fun time. We danced to our own beat (literally). On the dance floor cutting it up. My phone kept dropping, at one point I lost my battery all together, then found it outside by the car (where I had dropped it earlier). Damn. My phone is pretty screwed, lost the backing a couple of weeks ago and now this.

But it was nice getting out. I had to slow it down awhile back because hubby was not feeling me going out so much. So I felt good about being able to go this time, kind of like I deserved to. Always nice…and I was a good girl.

Is it me, or do all subs LOVE being told "good girl"? I fucking LIVE for it. Don’t hear it often, but it’s really nice when I'm reminded I have done something right. A friend this morning said it casually when I was chatting about my night out, and when he said it, it reminded me of how wonderful a statement it really is for a subbie.


9/13/2009 1:11:40 AM
The one who cares less, holds the power...

9/12/2009 7:15:03 AM
I guess my updated profile and additional pics are a positive, I am told... nice compliments, thank you :)
 
Who knew it would get such a response from caring understanding people?

And usually I blog on alt, but I had been slightly stiffled as of late because I kind of fucked up (hate that!). Hubby saw my blog and was not very happy about a couple of things, so I was bummed thinking I couldn't blog any longer. However he gave me the go ahead and I promised to be more careful. So Ill probably move to blogging more on here so it's more readily available for him to see.

 

9/8/2009 3:44:16 PM
This is your life and it is the only one you’ll ever have.
This is your time and the clock is ticking.
Look in the mirror and meet the gaze of the one staring back.
Know that one day she will die.
Know it.
One day she will be gone.
So it is not a question of if you will die; you will.
If is a question of if you will truly live.

Hold the nettle and be stung.
Walk through thorns and be scratched.
Grasp the red hot iron and be burned.
Curl your fingers around the blade and be cut.

Don’t do these things
despite the fact you will bleed.
Do them because you will bleed.

                                    Crueltobekind

9/8/2009 10:33:47 AM
A quote from a profile on here. "Good girls get spanked, bad girls get spanked harder". Funny. But bad conditioning, as if I am bad I get rewarded with what I enjoy most? A tight over the knee bare handed spanking. FUCK that sounds good right about now...

9/8/2009 7:26:36 AM

Once in awhile I will accidently come across a journal entry that is so unique, so psychological, it will just floor me, especially when I’m not prepared. It almost has too high of a flame for my eyes to bear, I couldn't read it all at one time. Poetic. Intense. Raw. A ride deeply into an abyss... like floating between heaven and hell then snapping back into my existence when I close the page, my eyes taking in my real surroundings as if I was in a dream.

It gives me insight as to the different goings on in this very big world (this particular Dom being in Australia). One would have to have such a strong mental capacity to wrap their heads around such an experience, such doings, this Dom who holds so much power over his slave's very existance.

It reminds me of why I refer to, and am content with myself as being just a little subbie. Mentally I am no match, as I would simply never be the same again. Besides, my changes have been real too, and good, and healthy. But it is fun to read and let my mind wander into the darkness now and then.


9/4/2009 7:22:06 AM
This profile from a "dominant" came up. 23, female. Sacramento. Laughable. Amazes me that anyone would ever even entertain the idea of being with such a girl.

"If handing over / wiring cash almost immediately is an issue for you then stop reading now,
because Ive got bills bitch and youre going to be the lucky one to pay them." 

9/3/2009 10:07:05 PM
Venus in furs by the band Velvet underground is such a sexy song about BDSM....  I just want to get whipped everytime I hear it...

9/2/2009 8:30:34 AM
My friend in chat said this to me. I just thought it was really sweet... and interesting because I have been feeling very muse like as of late.

"I know a passionate muse lost in a repressing age when I see one"

8/19/2009 4:22:55 PM
Amazing. A very small world. I went to the beach today with my kid and friend etc and I ran into the very first Dom from CM that I ever met in person. He's been an online friend ever since (MasterSaber07). Small world.

8/16/2009 8:08:10 AM
Doesn't it just make you smile when someone writes who is so smitten with your eyes and smile, and you don't even have a face pic up? Lol

8/14/2009 12:33:06 PM
A love affair... with my vagina.

Since the time I was very small, I knew that being a girl was a very fortunate thing indeed. I was just so fascinated with my vagina. When I was three, I discovered accidently, that if rubbed a certain way, I could make it tingle and feel very good. The love affair had begun.

I did this every opportunity. I rubbed it on virtually anything I could, sometimes in full view of everybody (my family just kind of pretended I wasn’t there). The edge of doors (one leg on each side while I held on to the knob), the edge of a bed, the toilet seat. In my first grade class I would “meditate” on my chair (that’s what I always called it, not sure where I got that from), looking around, no eyes were on me so off I would go, among so many, yet all alone to scratch that wonderful itch. The pressure on my clit would bring instant orgasms.

One of my earliest memories was on the side yard. We had a big growth of bamboo, and I had a little place within to hide and hang out. I remember discovering my hole there, and pushing a half of crayon inside of me. And guess what? I panicked and freaked out because I couldn’t get it out! I called my Mom and she rushed over and helped me. She was irritated and yelled at me “don’t put things inside of you anymore!”. She told me to push down, and it came out. Then I stopped crying.

One other time my brother and I thought it would be "neat" to put salt on it. DAMN! My momm really let him have it...

I loved the smell, I loved the taste. I loved the feel. It was so soft. I think that’s why I shave my lips now, I love that softness underneath.

As I got older, I discovered that if I rubbed my cunt on the edge of a bed I could cum rather easily. A friend of mine in 8th grade told me she rubbed hers on her pillow, so I tried it, but it wasn’t my thing. Then I found a way of doing it on my bedroom floor just using my hands. I would take one hand in another, and make the top part of my hand flat. Then I would sit on top of it and rub back and forth really hard on my clit, and that would make me cum without needing a prop (bed, chair etc). I LOVED that way! But I REALLY hated it when my Mom would pop into my room though unexpectedly, I would jump up suddenly, trying to act normal, VERY embarrassing. She would just pretend not to notice, throw my laundry on the bed and leave.

I remember being on top of a boyfriend as a late teen, and rubbing my clit back and forth on his pelvic bone somewhat hard, and I could cum that way too! But he wasn’t used to it so it kind of hurt him at the time. I would dig into his chest so hard, and bear down with all my weight while going into a trance and not paying attention to his painful expressions, so although it was great for me, my boyfriend at the time had a little bit of a hard time with it.

As I got (much) older, I discovered that I could meditate with a partner! I could rub my cunty on the edge of the bed (as usual), then he could come up behind me and have full access to my holes. This thing I had always been so embarrassed by, that I hid and hadn’t shared with hardly anyone, apparently looked really hot as I did it, to my husband anyway (bf at the time). I had no idea! And I thought it looked silly... Dumb me! I hadn’t realized how awesome it could be being on the edge of the bed, then feeling a firm hand in my hair behind me, and his other fingering my cunt, damn! Who knew? Now I was getting somewhere. I just had to be able to let go and not feel silly, which was a little hard I guess at first, but I got the hang of it.

Then at one point I just stopped meditating all together. I really got into being on top and cumming during sex. I still needed to rub my clit to do it, but I could do that by being on top and rubbing my clit against my partner. I could cum over and over, and he loved to see the ecstasy on my face. His chest got used to the pressure of my hands digging in.

On pornos I would see women using their fingers to massage their clits to completion. I tried it, and although it wasn’t the same, it was doable. I could use my fingers or vibrator. I could do it during sex. A whole new experience for me, but it worked. Now that my hands are not the strongest, that is my preferred way I guess. Also, once this BDSM thing kicked in, oral was not a big priority. But I can sometimes cum that way too, although I have to be pretty close with the person to want to go there.

To this day I love to sit in front of the TV and slip my finger in and out of the honey pot, aka the top crevice of my cunt, every now and then bringing one finger to my mouth. My hubby is so used to it, he doesn’t even notice anymore. And it’s not that I’m horny btw. We actually have been very plutonic as of late, my cunt and I. But its okay, we go through different phases and accept each other as we are. I have not paid her due attention. But her time will come again soon. And she’s patient now.

Early on I discovered that my cunt pheromones mixed with the act of penetration makes me fucking crazy! I know what your thinking, THAT is not what makes me crazy, the fact that I’m ME makes me crazy? Oh, fuck off… Anyway, when that happens, when I’m being fucked, and I’m just so wet, and it’s mixing with his pre cum, and the pheromones from both of us are in the air, then I pull off and see the snake pale gold, glazed and shrunken (Doors reference), damn, it is just the very best… TOTAL EUPHORIA! Therefore I especially enjoy giving head after penetration, and a firm handing grasping my hair to make me? Damn! Gush (think I could cum right now from the thought). Drives me crazy. I know, I’m weird… I’m cool with it though. But that’s nothing, believe me.

I am actually quite the stickler for cleanliness (especially after attaining adulthood, I had always heard that virgins can be a little ripe, I can see the logic in that). I always keep myself very clean now, especially if someone will be near me but…

when I was younger and just discovering myself, I would experiment with my cunty a lot. As a teenager I would read about vaginas as a whole (pun intended), and my doctor told me they are like self cleaning ovens. He said vaginas actually clean themselves (he told me this after he said he looks at them like a throat, so not to be so embarrassed, which I terribly was).

I tested that theory. And you know what? They really do! Vaginas clean themselves! It is membrane after all. If it gets irritated (say from not washing it for a day or two), it’s natural wetness kicks in to do the job. Not that I would test it for too long at a time, but just enough to experiment in that it would always keep itself healthy and happy. I was a little strange as a teen anyway. Kids…

So, that is my love affair with my vagina. I take good care of her. And even though she’s not exactly what she used to be, I am still her biggest fan. We have been through a lot together, and I see more wonderful experiences ahead, for both of us…


8/8/2009 4:16:51 PM
Just throwing this out there. I had someone lined up to take boudoir pics but it seems as though he may want more from me than Im willing to give (which is nothing if it includes my body).

If any of you are photographers, or know of one, and wouldn't mind taking a few shots of me in different outfits (and not expect sex in return), and your local, please let me know.
Thanks :)

8/8/2009 8:39:30 AM
Hubby approved a session, so it looks like I may be getting used soon. Damn I can really use one too!

8/6/2009 6:45:00 AM

I reserve my friends on here for people I know well online or in person. Also, a gripe, if I check out your profile and see a ton of women as friends, along with expert on each and every one of your check list interests, it just screams ego imo.


8/5/2009 10:54:46 PM

Hike tonight in the local mountains. Lots of coyote tracks. A month ago there were none. I think they are finally coming back to this side again. Very beautiful evening hike indeed. Big beautiful moon, on the trail there is a great oak tree, such a sight with jupiter (?) and the moon close by. I hiked up to the overlook and saw our wonderous valley all lit up.

Tomorrow night is the full moon. Hubby is coming with me on a full moon night hike (to protect the wildlife from me). I'm really looking forward to him coming along. 
 
Guess I should apologize (to the moon/universe) for last month. I wasn’t too happy from doing a ritual the night before, then nothing was going right the next day, so I went back. I was mad. I acted like a spoiled child. I threw my shoes (stupid thing to do at night while wearing my nylons, having to find them in the dark, all dirt etc, REALLY quite  humbling). And it’s not like I could hit the moon anyway.

A little nutty sounding to most, I know. But being totally sane is pretty over rated anyway…in my opinion, so if you don’t like it you can kindly fuck off.

This month has been pretty good, a couple upsets but overall good. The last couple of days have just been kicking my ass though! (Pms?). I have been wound up TIGHT. 

I've been craving pain, crying, down (usually means I could benefit greatly from a slap or two). I haven’t been able to cum much at all. I have had a little trouble with that lately, being on some new meds, so that has been throwing me all off too I think.

Hubby brought up me possibly needing a session. And Im so glad he did!

The other day he mentioned getting "burned out" on the whole play thing. I was already fragile so I really started to spiral downwards.  I guess it's like therapy when I’m wound too tight. After a session the stress just melts away, it's like... (hubby’s words)  getting a massage. So now and then when I’m moping I may just simply need a beating to correct, its a helpful tool, and I think we’re finally making headway knowing this
.

Giving away my power now and then for a couple of hours just lifts the bricks off my back. When Im out of sorts, I crave being used, slapped, bound. I crave pain, an efficient and very well deserved spanking, getting "taken" hard, hooded, gagged, held tight and inmobilized, cropped, fucked in every hole, the list goes on! But I DONT want to catch anything :).

Afterwords it feels as though I’ve been to a day spa!

And when I sensed he was burned out on it all, I panicked by default, thought he might be upset, and I tend to think the worst at that point. The guilt came back. I just simply melted down.

And I wanted to scream! Everything just looked really bleak. But I needed to get a grip. And I did.

I took control. And although self destruct did flash it’s ugly face for a quick moment, (a first in many weeks), I pushed it away with much enthusiasm and handled my shit, went to him, and my daughter, and hung out with them as a family.

And later I analyzed my underlying issue.  Each time I dove into my sexuality the same cycle would happen, for years! My dragon would wake up (triggered) I would dive in very hard with all my being, go crazy,  it was stifled abruptly, then it would come out again, Id go crazy, it was stifled, and so on,  a pattern. 

So when hubby trips even a little bit (Or if I PERCIEVE him to), I have this fear hanging over me. It’s conditioning.

I have conditioned him to be leary of my playing, because I go nuts and all else falls to the wayside, and he has conditioned me to be nervous of it being stopped suddenly.  And it is a deep rooted fear, especially because I’ve been healing a lot.

But I have reached sexual balance (finally! About fucking time) And my hubby recently gave back my ability to session, so even though I’m now very balanced in it all, I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop, which has happened if things tipped too much to the left or right. It's a tight rope I walk.

However, we have been talking more and more which has been really nice. Yesterday and today. Little by little. Things are on the up swing.

Today I was told that he totally trusts my friend (MetaMythos), he isn’t jealous at all, he is kind of seeing it’s somewhat therapeutic for me. He just wants to make sure it helps my mood, and doesn’t make it worse.

I think the more we talk, the more we understand eachother.  Coming into ones 40’s is a biggie. Not everyone goes crazy but I’m a little unusual. It may not last forever, but for now I just need a beating now and then to relax….


8/2/2009 11:43:36 AM
Just some thoughts. You know, in the last few days I have reached out to several females on here, ones who I thought seemed pretty cool, only to be snubbed.

Its interesting, being the female of the species you would think we might bond together a little, maybe even hang out swapping stories etc. You know, support and all that. I mean, stranger things have happened right?

So, my point is, to the guys on this site who get snubbed, they do it to me too! Snobbery (is that a word?) runs in all sorts of lifestyles, why should this one be any different :)

8/2/2009 9:17:29 AM
A glimpse into my mail.

"When u say condoms no negotiable? you mean you the dom has to be wearing one?"

Um, no. That would be me. I put it over my clit...

From a friend: "Yes, it goes over your head and tied off around your neck.  Must wait at least 15 minutes or until you're DEAD before sex will commence."

7/27/2009 6:22:56 PM
And so the close of another day. It was hard, but I got through it. Hopefully things settle down now.

I just burried my female rabbit on the back hill. I left her out all morning for my Male to say his goodbyes, to have closure. They run free in my yard, a rabbit's paradise.

Im the only one  who can usually touch him a minute before he hops away, although he really enjoys it when I sit nearby, or kiss his head, as he just doesn't like hands much. But tonight he let me pet him a little while. He knows. However I will wait a little while more before telling my daughter.

And Michael Vick. What the hell is up with him being able to play football? I never comment on current events, but I have to say, he should die, not be playing football! Fucker. 

I made a pretty cool toy. But it fucking hurts. Heavy, very thick Black leather, antler handle. Really beautiful. I uploaded a pic. Pretty cool really. Hope I still feel that way when im on the recieving end!

7/27/2009 8:30:44 AM
My little girl's rabbit passed away in the night. I need strength now more than ever but I just don't have it in me... and I don't know how to tell her. Okay universe, I know your trying to tell me something, but you can stop now.

7/27/2009 7:35:05 AM
SPANKINGS...

I never liked them as a kid. Of course, I never got them as a kid. But now, there's just something pretty love/hate about the security...of discipline, a hand across my ass... The helplessness of being at another's mercy (or lack of actually), "for my own good". Such a weird thing... this spanking BDSM act.

And as good as it sounds now, I know when it's actually happening I'm not over enthusiastic about it. But then a few days later I find myself thinking about that sting again

7/26/2009 9:32:55 PM
HIM:  
and what do u think about a pure anal relationship? me, you, my cock and ur tight anus are u ok for a total anal slavery? (He's in France btw).

ME:
Well, I would be up for it, however I see one problem. Although you have a large cock (nice, disturbing cock shot btw) I doubt if it is large enough to reach from France to my asshole, which resides in the US.



7/24/2009 11:42:11 AM
Wow, I can't say I have ever had THIS happen. I was complimented by a seemingly very nice lady on here. And when I went to write back a "thank you" I had been blocked. (shakes head)

7/23/2009 10:21:48 PM
TRYING MY HAND AT LEATHER WORK...
Okay, so its not really a "secret" per se. But I guess I just wanted to be sure I could do it before I mentioned. It seems fairly basic really. And I have made some pretty cool other stuff in the past with Deer antler, wood.

I wish to make my own instrument of torture. Well, not actually torture. I mean, its not an instrument of maiming, or terribly frightful, or anything that would cause permanent damage, but just a sort of paddle that I can call my own. Something I can use that I know I made (and can't blame anyone but myself with! A very important detail). And something that feels good for the giv-or to hold, as well as the giv-ee to feel (me).

And I have learned a lot today! The fact that there are too many varieties was my lesson for the day actually. I found out which hurt least, which hurt more, the different contributing factors. Stiff handle, give handle, open end, closed end, looped end, forked end, thickness factor. Double thickness factor.

Lots of factors. Well fuck me running...

The hardest part was finding the perfect piece to use, and I managed to behold the perfect piece, which is not totally perfect, which I love even more...because it's a little "off" and IM a little "off". And I call that a perfect fit!

And it was a good day.
I managed to enjoy a little recreation/relaxation/window shopping as well. My spirits are up, I am enjoying the time with my family tonight, and they noticed I seem "different". Interesting...

NOW, what would be REALLY cool is to find someone here in the valley who wouldnt mind helping me articulate how to proceed with this paddle (without expecting a play session). So many ways I can go, but Im thinking simplicity may be good. Not sure yet.

Wish me luck .

7/8/2009 11:00:55 AM
I yearn to have local female friends in the lifestlye who I can relate to :)    

7/5/2009 11:52:43 AM
Its interesting how things are coming together for me (sexually, and otherwise). My husband, he's around more now (as of today). Has been working A LOT. He allowed me to see my friend for play last week, and what is so nice is he's not regretting it at all. No jealousy, no problems, in fact we are very close now which IS the point afterall.

He really sees that there is nothing to worry about on my end. In fact, I woke up this morning to him on my laptop looking at the pics of that wonderful day. And from what happened after, it definitely appears as though "he's okay with it".

In the past the after effects of my playing could range so much. I GUESS when I am out of balance sexually I can be a little, hmmm, what's the word... "obsessive"? And slutty, and out of control, and on the computer 20 hours a day being lead by my warped sexuality, and looking at every man in costco like a steak... but... I am no longer "like that". (Happily so) In fact, I went to Costco TWICE this week and you know what? Sex never even crossed my mind there (a complete and utter first). I also go to my little dive bar which I do love very much, and being a slutty girl does not cross my mind.

I do look at people however and wonder, ladies driving in their big suburbans... with the screaming kids in the back, and their fake life (although they don't know it, a judgment I know). And I wonder, will they ever know the wonderful feeling of how wonderful sex can be? Shock waves going through their body when they are grabbed by the hair and forced down to submit on their knees? Being told to stand still in the corner after a spanking, panties down, while a long string of wetness flows down from their cunt... nestled into the very wet resting spot (crotch of my panties) while I stand motionless (well, kind of, I tend to fidget I am told). Or the feeling of a tight fist in their cunt, being completely helpless and 100% reliable on their Dom to not rip them or move until ready, or being told I'm a good girl and to just lay there and "let Daddy fuck me". So nasty. Yum, gush, purr.

I think not! What a decent majority of those women (probably) have is an occasional escape of a romance novel and a bubble bath. And a husband who escapes to work way too much (and may even have a slutty girl like me on the side to fuck and slap around pretending its his wife who he secretly fucking hates, or to stick gerbils up his ass from time to time, or... ), a house full of screaming kids and competitive girlfriends who try to out do each others home remodeling, maybe a perk of a pedi/mani once a week, or the occasional night out with their lame fake friends who want to "walk the mall together". Not to judge (okay, maybe a little), but I think I will take my life, as complex a balance that it can be... any...fucking...time.

A lot has happened in 4 months. I have come full circle. Another week and it will be 4 months exactly since my inner slut was triggered (this time). Since the precise moment I felt my slut stir and stretch her arms after a somewhat long slumber. And man do I love that feeling. But it inevetabily leads to wanting to fuck everyone/everything and edge play (seeking rape etc), until I "settle" so I just hold on for the ride. I have a feeling that won't happen again now. Working through past things has helped, Im sure of it.

It has been a roller coaster of sorts, from diving in to sexual obsession, to sadness, to lots of guilt, to growing in my rape play to the point I can close that particular memory, to complete balance now today.

And after having a heart to heart with my husband, that helped me even more, he was pleased and happy to give me an occasional day out with my one Dom friend (only)
MetaMythos. I wasn't expecting it, but Hubby feels it's a good safe outlet for me now and then as long as I don't abuse it, and am balanced and safe about it. How cool is that? So, the close of another slut chapter...and we came through it with flying colors :)  Here's to learning more about myself, and to the next...

7/1/2009 9:10:18 PM
I read this on a profile on here. And its very insightful.

"For those of you thinking to yourselves.. a Dom, with something to offer to a submissive?  Is it supposed to work that way?  Yes, it does, and I do mean what I say, because BDSM relationships tend to be more symbiotic in nature, in that both parties must draw something from the other."
  


7/1/2009 12:40:27 AM

A friend of mine has an old Chevy... he’s been working on it for quite awhile. Its quite a beautiful car. He loves to take it out now and then, drive it...it’s in extremely great condition on the outside...bright and shiny... but it’s a work in progress and somewhat temperamental, needs just a tad more work. The last time he took it out, the brand new transmission had a big problem and had to back in to the shop. But soon its going to be perfect (while not entirely perfect, there will always be little things that will go wrong, but nothing like when he started).  It is his goal to work out the bugs and be able to drive it one day with total confidence and no fear of breaking down. 

I feel like I’m that car. I don’t want to break down.  I want to be bright and shiny on the inside...to match the outside that everybody around me sees… the very people who don’t know what I ‘m truly capable of.  And the exciting thing? Its happening. Fuck it, I AM letting go of the chains that bind. But I am in a vulnerable place of recovery of sorts, so I'm not seeking new play partners at this time.

I didn’t realize my related slut “problem” was attached to my past until a couple months ago when I had an awakening inside a hot car, exploring fantasy rape.  I had explored it before,  but never in a car.  But the planets were lined up that day, the car was the trigger (which was unexpected) and the Dom was trustworthy so I allowed myself to really feel it intensely, that pain again. Now, with that being said, my hubby has worked with me a lot over the years and I have come a long way, but I think reitorating it with someone who I hadn’t known very long, yet completely trusted, was the attributed element needed to purge the last remaining bits up and out.

You see, I have an inner slut (as most women on this site do I’m sure).  My slut works against me yet we’re one. She was created when I was young through experiences I had, but at one point I had a few very intense and fearful experiences, so she was warped, and sought the very fear I had hated at one time. I/We were addicted to that rush. I have always loved to be a slut, but now I sought out danger.  My inner slut (my former sexuality) puts me in fucked up vulnerable situations (think truck stops, rest stops, sex shops, the side of the road with my hood up etc). I’m not stating that I have actually gone through with many senseless sexual acts of abandon, but I have attempted and have gotten very lucky during very close calls with no one there but myself to save me. Pretty fucked up thinking, I know.

I love to scene, but if too safe a situation, my inner slut doesn’t want it.  I luckily have a husband who has kept his hand on the open things I do to satisfy this inner dangerous need of fear and intensity. But how can it be dangerous if its controlled, right? Sheesh. He has stopped me from my own antics several times.

I usually end up putting my fucked up sexuality away for a couple years until a “trigger” brings it out (there has been many triggers… certain Doms have done it, once a video of a horse fucking a lady did it). Then, look out! My inner slut is present, ruthless and hungry and wants to fuck everybody, and cant get enough filthiness to support her habit… taking the dim stairs instead of the well lit elevator… seeking rape… and I always end up feeling ashamed of what and who I act like, the whore, I hear my inner conscience  “Oh, on your back again I see? What a fucking whore!”

So, awhile back it hit me. This need I have, the heavy stuff I would seek out,  it just is not fucking healthy! The last time I did it,  I put myself in a situation that wasn’t responsible for sure… and relied on a stranger to help me (in an alley late at night, and I was quite drunk).  It could have ended pretty badly.  It taught me that I have to be more careful and try to change my careless habits, or I will surely end up dead one day, to the dismay of those who love me.

On one hand my husband loves the slut. But it’s bittersweet, as another part of him knows the intensity my inner slut drives on is complete chaos. Then there’s the “after effects” that happen after I play.  I know a certain amount of sadness can be normal after intense play, with a little after care its gets better. But I would always feel horribly terrible, cry for days…the guilt of being such a tramp and of possibly hurting those around me, just kills me afterwards…and I now feel as though I NEEDED... almost enjoyed the torture of that after feeling.

AND SO IT STOPS.  I am growing because I desire to change. Everyday I put my demons further into the ground (actually I am moving quickly through those memories, kind of like Buffy the vampire slayer). Today I saw that same Dom friend from the car (because my wonderful hubby allowed me to… being that I’m in balance and wont be stupid about it).

First let me say the play was great. It was intense at times. There were lots of face slaps and although we didn’t try, my past was summoned. He had a ring on his finger, which triggered a memory when he was slapping me… it was intense, but also carefree (I was hogtied and spanked a lot, crop, ball gag etc ).  One big problem I have always had is the inability to cum in front of others (other than hubby). But that happened too. And something quite interesting happened afterwards as well. 

When he left, for just a few minutes I realized to my dismay that I was back where I started. In a motel, on my back (well the fact he had to leave cash on the table, because I put the room on my card wasn’t helping matters, although I had to laugh a little at the irony). But for a few minutes I felt a bit disheartened, a little tugging pain, alone to face myself, but it was something I had to work through… alone. But I put my big girl boots on, got out of there, quickly refocused, ate a great meal nearby (needed immensely).  And the biggest thing? I actually drove back to the spot where one disturbing past experience occurred, and sat there for awhile.

I thought of how I felt at that time, and how different I am now, not being that same girl that was on the ground that night a long time ago. There were no butterflies today. I was even somewhat content.  And today is the day I leave that memory behind… And I can feel the physical memories of my day now as I write, my wrists slightly swollen from the bondage... a little sting to the touch on the left side of my face by my eye, and a little pain on my ass cheek, my asshole sore from that way to big butt plug he managed to push in a tad quickly to my dismay, I wonder if all those physical memories will bruise tomorrow….maybe… if I’m lucky.


6/26/2009 6:39:19 PM
From a friend, so interesting to me. He loves the mental mindfuck, his "kink" (to the extreme) is to dive into a very deep connection, to feel that rush, the buildup, then to relish in the pain when it's gone. He lives it, and loves it, all of it, and even embraces the sadness when it's gone, and he shares this emotional rollercoaster, with his wife! Who also embraces it. Damn, they really have it down. What the hell am I doing wrong :)

"The intensity and the madness and the insanity of the compulsion to get into a mind and soul consuming relationship, in the full awareness that it is going to hurt like hell and leave a huge tear in my psyche when it ends, but which is going to consume my every waking minute while it lasts, is the thrill that never diminishes.

I know, I really know where you're coming from. you are truly mad, and I salute you from the bottom of my ass.

It's really degrading, this disease, isn't it? All the things we said we'd never do. It's like having your face rubbed into your own poop, being compelled by the deepest most savage self, to DO IT, JUST DO IT NOW. There's no one to turn to when we're in the grips of it and it's ferocious.

I love it!

and it's made my life hell."

6/25/2009 8:47:18 PM
Well, I have to say, this trip up North is so much better than the last. Actually a breath of fresh air. No stress, zero weird fucked up sex cravings, I'm pretty content (well, a little occasional pull on my heart strings, but that's normal I think, and expected when you leave home and the ones you love behind).

NO TIME FOR ANSWERING MAIL YET. I'm sorry, nothing personal but I am very limited on time, and Im not really playing anyway. But when I get back I will answer the many unread messages that has come in while here.

Last time when I was in Santa Cruz (March) I had so much guilt afterwards for acting like a slut while I was here (fucking craigslist), this time... no guilt.

But now, I'm just a girl, in a beach town hanging out, just being a girl, doing what girls do. I didn't think I would have access to a computer, let alone journal, but I was able to use one now and then at a little coffee shop and thought I would write a few lines. A nice extra.

So I'm in beautiful Santa Cruz. Man, these coffee shops are just so cool (the best). I missed it here. Beaches, down to earth people, lots of beauty, family. Good memories of my little home town as a kid.

A very nice time with my sister. We went out drinking in Capitola. As a child I would see the people drinking in the very places we went. By the lagoon. I was a child so I didn't go in to the drinking establishments, but I did swim there a lot.

So my poor sister got pretty drunk and ended up throwing up all over my shoes at the beach, we really know how to end an evening out with a bang (sorry to say I wasn't much help when she was sick, taking pics and laughing, I feel a little bad about that now). But it was nice being the grown up  (although I got pretty drnk too and have a good sized scrape on my knee to serve as a reminder) but I waited a very long time to drive so I WAS responsible and not drunk when we (finally) left. I might mention my sis is a decade older than myself, but it's okay, its not a common occurrence for her to do that.

I was going to take a drive to half moon bay to see my friend, CaAlpha, a Dom and his girls (totally Platonic friend, and totally different interests anyway). But sadly he was not available on such short notice. Damn, I missed it last time I was here too (but last time I was here my stupid slut was running the show and we didn't prioritize, just fucked it off), oh well. Maybe next time.

A trip up to Felton for the day sounds beautiful. I think Ill make that happen instead. Redwoods, yum. Then a bbq with the fam. Nice times! But I do have a small hole in my heart, just a little one, missing everyone back home. But it's okay, I will be with them all soon enough. I know a vanilla little post such as this isn't very exciting, but it's me.... Can't win them all

6/22/2009 1:18:17 PM
You know, cock shots are just so ikky... really, they are. Especially, when a guy is wearing lingerie and jeesh, especially with a hardon. Not a judgment, but it just looks so silly to me.  Just an observation (can't really help looking, like an accident on the freeway or something).
You sub males are just too cute.

6/22/2009 10:26:17 AM
I never have been much for 12 step programs. In fact, the few times I did go, I ended up hooking up with another newbie and getting high (been free from that for 16 years now). But I feel as though I'm in somewhat a 12 step right now. 10 steps forward 2 steps back. Why does it have to be so fucking hard?

I am a good person. I'm an adult. I am an upstanding member of the mainstream community, people like me. I am considerate to most, and the few I am curt with deserve it. I speak my mind, I have great friends. I am a good daughter, wife and mother. I have a wonderful vanilla life, but a somewhat frustrating sexual one. And I harbor that, a secret. In just ONE way I struggle, and that is my sexuality (wouldn't you JUST FUCKING KNOW IT).

And lately I have been alone A LOT. And I love being a slut. Not many know it. Not a good combination. Walking that edge, the danger. NEEDING that edge to get rid of the butterflies. It's mearly a sin of the flesh after all, right? An outlet, it fulfills and stuffs down the pain of the past. Someone remind me, why am I not able to be a slut again?

Because I don't seek it out in a healthy way. So my slut trys to call me out to play her dangerous game of cat and mouse. And even though 90% of the time I am not into heavy pain (despise it in fact), when I'm like that, I CRAVE PAIN. And I think I could dive so deep into physical pain, the thought just fucking scares me how much I could take (again, only when I'm like that) . I just need to be fucking hurt and I don't really care how. It happens, right?

Well, obviously I AM sane enough to know I won't give in (without question, there really is no question about it) but knowing this makes it much worse and having no outlet, then comes the despair . I realized last night, a good coping mechanism that gets me past this temporary feeling is cumming about 2 dozen times, then I'm fine.

So I ask again, why not just get an outlet, someone random to beat me now and then when I'm like this? Oh yea (slaps forehead), loyalty and risk. I think it's the RANDOM part that the trouble lies. And the fact that I don't have PERMISSION to just play with anyone. AND It just isn't healthy. For one, even with condoms, there would be sex I'm sure, and there are risks with that. And my chances of contracting something are greater and greater each time, and as safe as I am, the types my slut seeks may not take my safety into consideration. And the ones who are safe, defeats the whole purpose and she doesn't want...

Also, the guilt and shame after wards just sucks! It touches on something dark inside me every single time. It also seems to touch on something inside my Husband, on one hand he likes it, but on another he doesn't, and that just really fucks me after wards every time.

Damn, I wish my husband wasn't away so much now. But I totally understand. Hes working and I'm so happy for him. It's so important for his self esteem. I don't want to put anything extra on him at all, pressure wise. He will be home soon enough.

There is one person besides my husband who I'm sometimes allowed to play with solo. He gets it, but is only able to play on occasion, not having a whole lot of opportunity to do so. He's clean, I can trust him and I can feel my submission to him in addition to my husband (and he's great for casual play, especially because we are able to have intense sessions when we do play) which is a biggie, so I don't mind waiting.

So here I sit, and I'm learning... learning to go inward, learning to try and keep busy with other things, maybe read, work out, learning it's okay to sometimes feel weak... and the biggest lesson... I'm learning patience...

6/21/2009 8:29:03 AM
Happy Father's Day!

6/18/2009 6:58:09 AM
"man has within him beasts and gods, and he is only truly man when each may thrive and both are fed"

6/16/2009 4:40:19 PM
Just one of the really nice emails I have been getting today.

"Keep up the good work - finding worth is a wonderful thing ==  write anytime"

6/16/2009 11:45:34 AM
I am no longer a slut. I am just a girl...

6/14/2009 2:20:33 PM
Bottom line, you can't "guilt" me into having a session with you. If I have backed off, it's for a reason. I'm just not into it, k? Maybe your interests don't match up with mine, maybe your not attractive to me, maybe I only want to play with someone else, maybe Im on my period, maybe my headspace isn't on sex and play at this time, maybe my Husband isn't cool with me playing with you, maybe Im just taking it easy and getting into other things, maybe I KNOW I wont be able to feel submissive to you for whatever reason so I'm saving you from a ripping, maybe even... you don't take a hint, nor do you take no for an answer and act like a Sub, begging. wtf? Maybe I don't WANT to have to explain myself over and over...the list goes on :)

6/11/2009 7:41:54 AM
Subject: Friend requests.  If I know you I add you :)  If I see you have 1000 girls on your friends list and you send an invite and we have never once even exchanged emails, I dismiss it as ego.

6/11/2009 6:41:11 AM
Okay, so on every given day I see more new profiles to the left. A large number are female dominants. But with the exception of just a couple, they are all 19 and 20 years old. I dont get it. These kids, are they pro's? Are they fakes? Why are they all so young? Man, had I known about sites like these when i was 20, I guess it could have been fun. But dominants? Just perplexing...

5/31/2009 1:45:20 PM
Surrender does not diminish you, it enhances you".   Well said Doc...

5/31/2009 8:35:25 AM
Guess i have put off answering mail long enough...

5/25/2009 8:00:48 AM

For the switch men who keep writing, a gentle reminder, please don’t waste your time. That goes for men who were subs/switches last week and now have a new, bright, shiny dark blue Dom profile. Concentrate your efforts where it will be more appreciated. I NEVER see switch men. (and sub men? Forgetaboutit). That’s cool for you, but I am sub through and through, if you switch at all it will show (I pick up on it very easily) and you will absolutely not be able to handle me anyway.


5/20/2009 8:14:41 PM
"It's only kinky the first time you do it". I love that quote...

5/17/2009 9:06:14 AM

It's been a minute since I have journaled, so I thought I would jot down a few lines. Nothing much going on here, dealing with some of life's issues (dentist etc). You know, just stuff. But, making an attempt these days to keep myself reved up for when hubby is feeling better... which may take awhile. But that's okay, I will wait and do my best to keep it going. Never know when I will feel a hand over my mouth in my sleep (yummy)...


5/11/2009 8:28:47 PM

I know I have Single Doms check marked, but we're not really playing with single Doms at the moment. Just too complicated. If I take Doms off my interests list, my friends can't see me. If anything changes on our end, I save all my correspondance and will hit you up if it seems like a good fit. Thanks for understanding. 


5/10/2009 10:50:11 AM

Wew! Missed it by a hair. Just have been so weird lately since we met a couple last week, with the intent of meeting this coming week. I let him know, it’s just not going to work on so many levels. We are just different people all together. Just too many reservations, rules etc. His pic looked nothing like him (he's not bad looking though). The female half is not bi AT ALL, and also has issues of my hubby "seeing her naked", which I understand (but her Dom needs to take her to play parties or something to help her get over that shyness), and my Hubby can’t even take pics of ME at all (even if she is not in the room) so I just know it is not going to be a good experience, and they are just not the right couple for us. She’s also very nervous of std’s,  and I think underneath it all she doesn’t trust that I’m okay, I think it’s all in all just too many reservations and it’s her DOM this entire scene would be for! I tried, I really did, I wanted to give my Husband a great show, to give back, to take one for the team! But, the biggest thing of all? I'm NOT feeling my submission to him at all on so many levels. I have never been pissed on, ever (Hubby is pee shy) and although I’m looking forward to that aspect with the right person (s), I HAVE to be feeling my sub for it, it is essential! Could get into the right headspace as a humiliation aspect I guess, but not him “marking” me aspect, AND he wants me to drink his piss, like he is really going to push that, even though it’s my FIRST time even getting pissed on. Plus this Dom is intense during scenes, which would normally be great, and very welcome,  but the hardest thing would be to do a hardcore "scene"…and fuck… just not be feeling it. It’s not fair to him, her, hubby and definitely not to me! So I cancelled and we both feel a lot better. Hubby was great about it, he wants to see my little slut used hard, but not just getting beat for the act of doing so.
Anyway, I promised him that I would find the perfect situation, and keep my slut in check while doing so (and not get stupid like awhile back when I went a tad crazy). I think I have a good perspective now, and am going to do my best on this end to keep it together... and focus correctly... AND he also (kinda) gave me back something that I wanted, so sweet, so I certainly won’t abuse that again!       "Arach" posted a journal entry on this dynamic, and how it is SUPPOSED to be done between a Dom/sub, and this "seeing others" bit.  Anyway, its Mothers Day and I am having a terrific one.
J


5/10/2009 10:04:46 AM
Best fucking husband in the world. Thanks babe for the Mothers Day gift (s). Your the best...

5/9/2009 9:05:08 PM
Wew, big day at the ren faire. There were quite a few lifestyle people there it would seem. Leashes and collars and handcuffs etc. It was fun. We dont get super into it, but we enjoy supporting it every year, checking it out. Food sucked though! Damn, getting more expensive, yet worse every year. Good fam time.

5/7/2009 2:26:27 PM
There is someone on here who is very sad at the moment. He really needs to be able to talk and vent. Knowing this I offered to meet up for lunch, just to hang and talk. He knows my intentions would be totally and very strictly plutonic. To this offer... he declined, realizing his vulnerabilities, and was so mature about it (and responsible I might ad) that he stated "I am afraid I would do something ..... fuck, impolite, inappropriate, manipulative.  That IS what we Dom's do, anyway.  It is not OUR power we play with.  We manipulate YOURS."
Arach

Those words, so insightful! I may be a novice, but I had never thought about it that way. Arach, your words are very real..., had to share.

5/6/2009 2:55:19 PM

I just have to check out this one train wreck that pops up daily on here. He's like a bad TV commercial, you really hate it and think it's stupid, so you remember it for the wrong reasons (and would NEVER buy the product) but that is the only reason it sticks out in your mind.
So, there's this  single dom (<note, "dom" Un capitalized) I have had minimal correspondence with him, so really I'm  just an observer, but talk about a prick. He actually did write me awhile back, I went to answer him and he had blocked me, and I don't even think he knows it because his message was an inquiry as to playing so he must not remember our prior correspondence (not surprised). What a jackass. And his journal, oh man, nothing but whining constantly. I mean, in EVERY entry he is just so unhappy and whines! Not ONE is happy, ever. Talk about an unhappy person. How can someone like that lead? When they are so out of conrrol themselves? I have never seen anything like it. I won't name names (as I see he does) but lets just say that I won't have to. Everyone I'm sure knows exactly who I'm talking about.


4/18/2009 11:48:16 PM

Tonight I wanted to hang with Hubby just watch a movie etc. Maybe drink some wine, but he wasn’t into it so I went out.  The AVN awards were on so a movie was out. Tired.  A bit lost. Not knowing why I wanted to go out, maybe to stress my independence, to let myself know I am an adult and somewhat in control of myself, and to reassure myself that this thing we have done for our sexual awareness won’t come between everyday life, but it has. Of course. He is my Keeper. But I had his blessing, with the promise that I wouldn’t do anything cross, and to be careful. So, I drove around a bit. Just trying to grasp what it is that I want out of life. What it is that I have achieved. Drove, drove, drove. I came back to the valley, to the dive bar, a happy place. I have never been in such a happy surrounding, feeling so completely discontent. Knowing that my Husband is home, and I’m here, and not sure what I wanted out of this evening. I looked around at all the happy couples, the joy, the big band (picture stand up base with a guy about 70 attached to it, with his three buddies, all big band jazz types). English bartender, carded me, wow. Felt pretty good, until he carded the guy next to me who was about my age too, but looked it. Enter the two beautiful young ladies (early 20’s, one kind of looked like Britney Spears) and I sunk deeper into my drink. Now Im back home, neighbors are having a fuccing party, being really loud and very happy. Im so tired I think I will be going to bed now, tomorrow is a new day.


4/18/2009 12:31:11 AM
Happiness is... spending a Friday night (6 hours) in the ER and making the best of it with family time...

4/17/2009 12:29:57 PM
This box sitting in front of me (no, not my cunt), this fuccing computer. Life just whirls around me, passing me by. I feel like a robot... but I need to use it for everything. Work, social, etc...

4/17/2009 7:23:44 AM

Okay, so not naming names (site rules Im sure) but wow... a glimpse of what you guys must have to go endure on here. So, I was exchanging messages with a "domme" (note un-capitalized). Such an enlightening conversation. Thought I would give it a spin. She wrote me a very short to the point "show me u face"! (u face??) Using exclamations after each sentence, should have been my first clue, almost as bad as happy faces at the end of each sentence (okay, guilty as charged on that one :). .................Anywayz,  I sent her a really nice photo that calinipples took of me last week, bright smile, face shot (was slightly drunk at the time so really feeling good!), and offered to chat with her. She then wrote "Hope you like suffer slave!". Okay, again, in your big girl voice...(that's what I WANTED to write, but I didn't).  and I believe its "I hope you like to suffer, slave! (Russion maybe? And again with the enthusiastic exclamation point)...And technically... I'm not a slave, at least not to her as of yet (kind of do fit the profile as I understand it, dominant in everyday life with work, etc but a slave to one, my Owner, but she didn't know that!) but I am actually a "submissive" per se. I thought "okay, what do I write to that without being disrespectful?. I thought of it over, not really knowing what to say to that (me, stumped for words, imagine that!). Knowing I am not a pain slut, hmmm, I came back with "Emotional pain is much more intense than physical pain". Guess that was the wrong thing to say because she lost interest (thank god!!!) and didn't write back... oh well, it was torturous anyhow (with just conversation!).  


4/12/2009 9:29:33 PM
You know when you are on here and on the side of the page you see ads for different things, photo shoots, training of slaves etc? You know, the innapropriate pics people hide when their wife or kids waltz in the room, and they are surfing on this site (you know who you are). The training of O. I peeked. I wouldn't have actually but I saw that my husband peeked first. Wow. Question, I am really wondering. Does this stuff really happen? Black tie dinner parties with naked servants wearing only collars, licking a Mistress under the table while the Mistress enjoys her food and conversation, or a servant getting fucked on the table while everyone eats and looks on, or one being proded as she serves and much much more... Or is this just a "put on" for the site, so they can sell their wares (in this case, video uploads)? I mean, let me re phrase that... I know its a video for the site, but what Im asking is are there really people who do this sort of thing for real? The closest I have heard of is a friend of mine who attended Sushi parties, and they would eat the Sushi off a girl...

4/12/2009 7:47:42 AM

As I sit here journaling my hubby just brought me the nicest cup of coffee. Ummm. Thanks babe (if he reads this). Happy Easter. I have been such a procrastinator these days (I have always hated that!) but last night we ran out on an Easter basket mission, managed to come up with a very nice assortment of Lindt chocolate for our little ones basket (hate the yukky cheap chocolate and unfortunately passed it on to our kids). It was fun, but a mad house out there (Wal-Mart, yikes!). Almost as bad as Christmas! I always have loved Easter. Getting a new dress each year, dressing beautiful (not that I do now, but it used to be nice as a child), Easter hunts, so fun. Little did I know how this oxymoron of a holiday began, compared with it's Christian rendition, I try to push it to the back of my mind (as a child, even then, I wondered why the bunny laid eggs in the yard, when I KNEW my rabbit had given live birth!). Being a concept of Christianity (and somewhat of Christian hypocrisy), I won’t get in to how religions manipulate notions of God to their own tune. However… I have been really into Aqualung, the “concept” album (Ian Anderson hates it being called that) as of late. I have dove into it, dissecting it, have always loved it but lately really sought to understand it more completly. Side two, subtitled "My God," deals more explicitly with religion, or rather the notion that Jesus per se (the idea) was molded into what the “church” wanted, and not what was, or should have been. It refers to the idea that the “Bloody church of England” locked him in his golden cage, and it still follows today in the fact that “religion” does not equal “God”, for God is in each one of us and can be obtained without all the bells and whistles of plastic crucifixes, ritual, and merely dressing in “Sunday’s best”. Ian was moved to write the album with the event of his father dying (big fear of mine, parents dying). Side one deals with a trio of debauchery, my very favorite character being Cross Eyed Mary, the town slut (for obvious reasons)….  Sluts and those who love them (Aqualung being one).  Although society has marked her with a scarlet letter, I have always felt that sluts just go after what they KNOW they want.   I have ALWAYS been like that, never blending in to society (PTA moms never embraced me, maybe they could smell the pheromones drifting off my cunt). I used to try to do anything and everything to blend into the “normal” crowd, but at one point I realized I didn’t need them. It was an opportunity to seek out other sluts like myself, and only keep those around me who knew and understood my free ways. I still do that today (winks at calinipples) and my friends (for the most part) accept me, and I have even turned a few of them into sluts themselves ;).


4/11/2009 8:00:00 PM
Does anyone here realize in the "game" section of collarme they have asteroids? I love that game and can play for hours...

4/11/2009 7:23:38 AM

The weekend is good, unless it's at the end of Spring Break! Then it means only two days until we are back to the drawing board.


4/9/2009 10:27:13 AM
Tonight on www.therockade.com my ol' friend (WarlockDom, aka DJ James Bound) is playing a song and dedicating it to me on the air around 9:45. I think that's pretty fuccing cool of him to include me :)

4/9/2009 7:52:47 AM
Yea! Going to see my gf today in the " West side" (oooh, over the "hill") I wonder what trouble we can get into? Hm, let me count the ways.  This girl, she is one cool cookie! It will be fun hanging out. But I'm SOOO tired! Went to bed really late (1:00, unusual for me) then woke up to a hand over my mouth and didn't fall back to sleep until 3. Yikes. I am feeling a bit better today.  as many of you say.        I have grown and learned alot this past month. The following is an exerpt (is that spelled right?)  from another profile on here, so I used it,  and it is helping me understand why I am geared the way I am!  It's not so unusual to dive into the whole dynamic, just In my situation it's just about impossible to do with others, and keep my priorities straight with my Hubby. Add a little OCD on my part (my slut has a one track mind, it's like being under the influence of drugs somewhat) and walla, my fucking garden is dying, my animals miss me, my house is a mess, I'm a mess, my hubby is feeling neglected, NO self discipline at work, I wish I could just hold it together. So I stress CASUAL play, but it's a little hard for me to do, hard to have it both ways for me, double edged sword. Anyway,                 "There are THREE elements to this dynamic... heart, mind, and body. To focus on the physical body alone is to ignore the mental and emotional elements, which more closely define this dynamic than does the physical. The physical merely reinforces the mental and the emotional. That is the REALITY of the power dynamic, the other stuff is mere internet fantasy fluff." 
                       

4/9/2009 12:47:55 AM
Wow, it has been quite a month (almost to the day, since my slut came out to play). I see many on here, and for some reason each person I'm friends with has major turmoil and uncertainty going on in their lives. I went to write a friend who lost his significant other last month to a car accident, his profile is inactive (understandably so). Guess I'll call him. My other friend, she is having big stuff going on, life changing "crossroad" decisions. Everyone is in fricken limbo!  I want wine but can't have it because of a blood test issue (not evn my bloodtest, just trying to be supportive damnet!). Talking to Doms on here, who come off a bit pushy and when you try to give them a straightforward (yet polite) "no", they don't accept that. Guess I'm just making sure I dont do anything that I don't feel like doing, period Owner/Husband doesn't count in that, I do plenty for him whether I feel like it or not). I am in a strong place right now, and not about to be pushed into anything that Im not "feeling" by anyone (for whatever reason, I don't NEED you to understand my reasoning :). I'm taking care of myself, and being true to myself, I need to do that right now. Thanks for listening to me bitch...

4/8/2009 6:31:35 PM

Through the cleared dead flowers and weeds in my garden is new growth. Sweet little Dandeleons are poping up. And Iris's that I planted long ago are just now blooming.  Lucky me... it's not all dead afterall :)


4/8/2009 8:21:14 AM
A blank screen, an unhappy soul. Not a good combination. Just not in a good place today. Whatever I touch seems like its turns to shit. A few things came up for work. Rain delay. Just a reminder that my world is crashing down around me. Problems with my kid. This strong ass coffee is not helping my stomach AT ALL. My hubby says he's okay, but there is tension, I hate this unsettlement that I woke up with. A friend of mine on here is having problems with her man. She is sweet and I hope she can come out of it all okay. I think I just need to escape out of here for awhile. Maybe go see a movie, or go back to Hollywood, or a good cry. Maybe a good slap would help. 

4/7/2009 6:54:46 AM
Last night I was SOOO drunk. It was the first time I have done that in so long, unexpected. It was a welcome break and kind of needed. Yesterday wasn't a great day for me, and I was a little out of sorts. Just an inpromptu evening with my husband, two very strong margaritas on an empty stomach in a little dive bar and whammo.... could barely walk. Then a little food. It was good, was afraid I would wake up hungover, but amazingly enough I feel fine this morning. Meeting a girlfriend for coffee this morning from here, potential to be a good friend I can tell (platonic). Looking forward to it.

4/5/2009 10:44:04 PM
On craigslist, I have been seeing an ad for a "crying spanking". It seems that the man who ran that ad is physically disabled, and is just sad and needs someone (female) to spank him so he can release and cry out all his pain. I wish I could help him out but I am sub through and through, and there is just no way I could do that (and be any good at it anyway). But it's nice to know it's not so unusual a request afterall...

4/5/2009 8:00:16 PM
I love flowers more than anything, and my garden is dying out. Part neglect, part seasonal. All grown out, no trimming, prunning. Just another victim of my being overly focused on other things. Sad!

4/5/2009 6:01:46 PM

These last three weeks or so I have learned so much about myself. Now when I'm anxious, unhappy, or worried, or if I just well up inside with tears that need to come out for whatever reason (stress etc), Domination helps force them out of me, gets to the bottom of it, and I am able to cry it out and feel so much better afterwards. Especially if I cum a couple of times during, it's like... the negative stuff just flowing out of my cunt (no pun intended :) Such a release!  I look back to many years ago, when I first met my husband. If we knew then all we know now (and are still learning  through others in this lifestyle), all the turmoil and trying to figure it all out, how to handle everything back then would have been so much FUCKING easier! Oh well, coulda woulda shoulda...              Also I have been talking to a few people on here who seem to "get" it, and I am seeing there it's not unusual to have emotional release during scening (I mean, duh... what was I thinking!). I was just never able to until now really, I tired, and strived for it, just held back I guess. I actually was just not able to let go. Whether it's an emotional release during a spanking (I now see it's not the pain that brings the tears per se, its the emotion attached to it, sorry people for all the shit I talked about spankings, I now see the light), or face slaps bringing me to that point of tears, feeling more deeply while I  give of myself, I'm really glad I am now able to tap into it. I feel it is healing. It's not just "abuse" I suffer at the hands of another; it's instrumental to my well being...


4/2/2009 3:53:07 PM
Giving things a little time to settle down. Wew, just breathing, injesting things, from the whirlwind.  Peeking my head out of the cave, taking care of myself and enjoying my family. Talking to people on here. Time to turn my attention outward and not in.

4/1/2009 8:54:06 PM
And so she's come full circle. I feel her slipping away, into her den...  to come out again another time.

4/1/2009 11:35:22 AM
What doesn't kill us makes us stronger...

3/31/2009 8:37:39 PM
Okay, so is the close of a new day. Hubby left for a spell tonight, he is having his own reactions to things, in the way he needs to. I think I will journal after this intense day. Yes, played with a friend. It was very interesting, as we didn't have actual penetration, however, a very intense session (note* my ass and face hurts from:  1. spanking, 2. a lot of intense faceslaps). I held back for some time, trying not to feel anything, he knew this and pushed me, able to make a "breakthrough"  getting me to face/ feel my past regressions, in a car, in the heat, In total shame, facing the "whore" I once was, and extreme experiences that sometimes go hand and hand with that style of living. I was able to tap into that feeling, in a safe, insightful, and trusting manner. All in fun, and intensity that it takes to "heal" and move on. Interesting dynamics. I (eventually) felt very raw, past pain, from certain "triggers", such as his hand covering my mouth, making me repeat words back to him through my tears, hair pulling. I crave to feel these feelings with my husband tonight,  as I am very in touch with that part of me right now! But, time now to take care of business, and take care of things that I need to do, which is hard at the moment, because I feel fresh wounds, but I can put them away again, and again, for quite awhile... .

3/31/2009 9:40:25 AM
Woke up with my stomach in knots today. It happens when I have plans to play I think. But it's hubby inspired, because I dont wish to piss him off with anything I do. He assured me he's okay with it, so I'm feeling a little better now. He just wants me to use WISDOM, he is my everything. Such an inner struggle I have with all of this. I get myself SO worked up! The same feeling I get when I go to the ob/gyn. I love the feeling of butterflies, but also hate it when it manifiests itself in the form of unsettlement or stress. Reminds me of why I put it away, and only let it out every couple of years!  On one hand its a nusiance (knots in my being) but on the other, I can get in touch with my inner "intensity" better I think, which is something new for me that I am really starting to see the potential of.                     

3/29/2009 7:05:00 AM

As the dawn breaks through, all the dirty little deeds of the night scramble to their resting places.... LA, you are quite the sad mother fucker.                Last night we got to see a glimpse of a typical Saturday night in the big city. We saw the desperation, the sadness, the games, the flakiness, and it was UGLY.                  We had the "unusual" circumstances of a night completely to ourselves, a chance to balance a few things out, maybe throw a cute sub female into the mix for my boss's viewing pleasure while he drinks his beer, watches me and her get taken by her Dom etc. However, a tricky thing apparently (actually I was thinking I might be able to get my first dp with the Dom and her wearing a strapon, but there I go again!) .  It didn't work out, which was totally fine (big believer in things work out the way they should). We had to stay local to the valley for our family if needed, priorities you know.  And I was not settling for less than ideal. I will not do anything dangerous, or chancy just to make this happen (which is what it would have taken). So, anyway, the shit we saw trying to make this happen was something else. Sub men who see pro dommes posing as the domme to contact, then we see it's really just a "trick" of hers blah blah blah, it goes on and on (can't get into sub or switch men ANYWAY and now I REALLY can't stand them, not all, just the ones that do that).               We can go back to our wonderful lives today, we can rejoice that we are healthy and happy and surrounded by what's really important, the love of our family and each other. But there are many out there who have such sadness, and such a big void to fill. We saw it. We had spoken with a couple on here awhile back, it was brief, I wasn't playing yet because I still wasn't feeling comfortable after my treatment yet.  However, since that time the couple broke up. That poor guy. So heartbroken, frustrated, desperate to fill that void but injured and scrambling and willing to do just about anything. Anyway, it wasn't meant to be for us,  because of timing,  Murphys Law. But.... I have no doubt it will come together when it's supposed to, probably just about the time I get my period or something :)


3/28/2009 2:13:16 PM

Looking for Dom/Sub couple (Male/Female) or Dom/Domme couple to take me hard in front of my Hubby. He doesn't play, just watches. So if you are available and local, and can host (or we can get a room in the valley somewhere) hit me up. Thanks.


3/28/2009 7:03:06 AM

I just found out that a friend of mine on here lost his girl this month in a tragic car accident. I can't believe it. They had finally found eachother in this big world, he was so in love with her. They had just moved in together and was starting a very special chapter in both their lives. I'm so sorry for your loss buddy. No words can express...


3/28/2009 6:57:54 AM
If you know of anywhere local to Los Angeles that has nice slutwear at a good price, I am needing some new stuff too for my wonderful husband.              Also, I'm looking for a place that can measure/sell me vintage style lingerie (non slutty, open bottomed girdles, waist clenchers, bullet bras, specialized hosiery, shapewear etc). You get the idea. I have zero experience in this style of wear. I know I can get them on ebay and there are several online stores, but I really would feel better trying on first, actually seeing me in it before buying. So if you have experience in such matters, any and all input is very welcome and appreciated!

3/26/2009 10:33:21 PM

As a small child, some of my friends and I would play doctor, you know... normal childhood games. I remember hiding under a homemade "fort" (two chairs and a blanket, something to that effect) and my little friend had her uknowhat exposed sitting on a chair so I started playing with it (we were like... 6 or something) and thinking "hey, you taste just like me!" It looked like mine, smelled like mine, felt like mine. Such an eye opener. To be a girl was not so unique. We seemed one and the same. That was the beginning of my love for the taste of... my cunt. 










                         My other favorite game was a form of forced sex (not sure how I knew about that form of play), essentially rape play. No wait, I take that back. I think it may have been shown to me by a little boy, I remember the thrill of liking the new game with him. About 7 years old, even then I knew I liked it. My poor little girlfriends, out in our old car taking turns on top of one another, they didn't really like to play the same way I did actually but I didn’t care. Then I would get up and say "okay, your turn, do me now!"













                          The psychology of this lifestyle entering at such an early stage, for many of us on this site. What shaped you as a child or teen? Does it co-inside with your kinks now? Why are there a high number of women in this lifestyle that have had problematic past events and desire to tap into that deep, dark  hole?                               











                      I wasn't "molested" as a child by any means (a couple of borderline situations but they never felt like molestation), but I have other demons that come up from time to time, and I suspect that those may be healed through intense play. (Everybody has SOMETHING right?)  But I’m not sure.




                    Today I felt my pain tugging at me, wanting to surface through the hand of my play partner, it was very unexpected and somewhat exciting and other than feeling that emotion with my boss of course (hubby), it was a first. For many years I have been trying to "go there" with someone who can take it. So, why am I “okay with” summoning pain through the play I seek? Is it healing? I don’t know if it is. To face my fears in a controlled environment and tap into "that" emotion, is it a healthy thing to do? Or does it just open up the deep rooted stuff that I should keep inside and hope goes away? Questions of the day.


3/25/2009 11:51:28 AM

I was talking to a girl sub friend of mine from here and we were discussing what little things are irritating to us. Some things are so cliché and I just can't take seriously. 1 is talking about ones self in the third person. Just doesn't sound right to me. Another is when "expert" is checked on EVERYTHING. There is ALWAYS something more to learn. With the exception of a few really long time Doms, why would one even go there I ask? EGO?


Another thing is when a person is on here as a sub, then the next week as a Dom. So silly.  Also anyone with "Lord" in their name. How can that be taken seriously? Actually, I take that back, there are subs who go for that sort of thing. Not very free thinkers perhaps, but available none the less. So I guess there is someone for everyone.


Also, please do us both a favor and don't hit me up if you are too high protocol, we most likely are not compatible. To us it’s contrived and just can't relate, and frankly it comes a little "Trekky" for our tastes. Just observations.


3/25/2009 11:02:07 AM
Wew, finally got the baby batter off my mind for awhile. Can concentrate on work again and taking care of business. My mind has been so full of cobwebs lately! Hate that. It can come back pretty quickly though. All it takes is a trigger :)


3/23/2009 6:41:13 PM
          

Okay, so home is where the heart is. And I'm glad I’m home!  Got lost a lot while I was there (literally everytime I got into my car!). Played a bit. Was really feeling my sexuality. Treaded the line emotionally, a fucking roller coaster actually because I guess that's just how I roll (issues I guess).


Not making excuses, but I had made a really good connection with someone on here before I left, so I was fully loaded. Hubby was really great letting me play while he cammed (which is a first). Played with a long time Dom that I kind of knew from here, not much of a connection though. I think  he was feeling the same way.


Played with another Dom another night. Hubby had his hand on it by cam (with motel/police #'s in hand in case it went bad) because I picked him on craigslist which was taking a chance. I'll get back to that. 



Then came the despair, still not totally sure why. Happens just about every time. I think it's the past possibly. It's like drug use. You want to do it, but drugs are bad for you, they make you feel weird, they make you compromise yourself in ways, they make you compromise others, the next day you feel dirty and not very good. Not sure it’s a very healthy thing when I let go and let my sexuality run my emotions.


So, back to the second experience. When I was there in my hotel room I saw an ad on craigslist for a local Bull Dom. I struggled with it, back and forth, but went for it (still can't believe I was allowed to do it). I thought if we played he could help me realize a few things about myself. Like for one, pain. I hate it. Never was much into it, but went on a treatment that put my body though a lot a couple of years ago, then walla, REALLY hated pain. So,  Spankings- hate them, hubby avoids them with me luckily because we can't be loud here (family) and they're not really his thing anyway. So I have had reservations playing with mainstream people because of that. Just had to prove that I could take it, and hang with the big girls (sort of speak). Also, I wanted to be able to let go with someone who didn't know me, didn't know my likes and dislikes, just would take what and everything HE wants, no choice in the matter. The ad said it all. So we cammed because he wanted to see if I was "up to par". He said my body would make a good playground so he came over, he knew it would be cammed, okay with it,  respectful/aware of my Dom/Hubby.
 

So before he came I was testing my cam, making sure the angle was right for hubby's viewing. Little did I know that I was sitting there, doing all that stuff in front of everybody on my contact list. Luckily no one but him was on and he thought it was "cute". I was totally embarrassed. Almost cancelled I couldnt believe how stupid that was. I still don’t really know what I'm doing (obviously). So, he came over, he started in right away, this aggressive bull, face slaps, forced oral etc. Picking up my body with his fingers inside me, lots of bells and whistles, spanks which I took remarkably well so now I have the confidence to play with my other Dom friend (if he still wants me after this post, I do sound like such a slut!). But truth be told, I have now played 3 times in threeish years with anyone other than my hubby, just two of them were this weekend :).



Anyway, we're going at it, then I look at him and notice he has stopped. He has been with many many couples,  rape scenarios, gangbangs etc. Has NO PROBLEM issuing pain etc, taking what he wants and does not care who is there. But he had stopped and there seemed to be a problem. He couldn't continue. He said I "was too sweet" to hurt and that I scared him (?).  He said I was having a profound effect on him that had never happened before. He said I seemed like a fragile flower with such a sweet smile, he couldn't hurt me, even lost his hard on thinking about it. He left without finishing. He wrote me afterwards and stated that he was slightly "afraid" of me because my inner beauty got to him. I told him that maybe he is changing, and maybe the whole Dom bull thing is getting old, and maybe he needs to find himself a sweet little San Jose area subbie to thrill (he was pretty good at what he did I have to admit), who is not married.  Anyway, it was a very interesting time. Still not sure why it happened like that, but I was able to get a special glimpse of something very unusal.



And now I'm back home, safe and happy in my man's arms. When I got back today he made sure to "take me" so I remember who is my #1 (him :)


Now I have to focus on what's really important in my life. But I still haven't had a DP so who knows what's in store! (kidding). Being good for awhile, I think.


3/23/2009 11:45:36 AM
"I can resist anything but temptation".  My new motto.  I have proven to myself that:

1.  My slut is too powerful for my mind.

2.  I show lack of control everytime I am connected with her.

3/21/2009 7:00:35 AM

Okay, Im starting to get a little freaked out leaving my hotel room. I really need GPS when I travel. Last night I was so tired, but decided to go out and get a bite to eat. Not much around here (but frickin Silicon chips etc, big buildings) so I ended up at the Safeway deli counter and had a piece if Chicken that had been there all day and a bottle of wine for dinner. Yikes, little hung over today now that I think about it. That wont be good at work. Okay, so I went to drive back, when suddenly I realized I was lost (again!). So I tried to retrace my steps, to no avail, couldnt even find the fucking safeway now. Called the hotel, they didnt have a clue where I was. Finally one of the staff figured out where I was and thankfully I was able to get to the freeway and back to the hotel. Really sucked. Starting to hate this place, really am.


3/20/2009 8:39:11 AM

This morning when I was driving I saw a sign that said "Jesus loves you". I felt a bit ashamed really, of who exactly I can become in a heartbeat if I allow. There are a few things I have done that I am truly ashamed about. This is one of them. I think I tapped into, therefore encouraged a real rapist. Real rape is horrible and very cowardly. I dont condone it at all. But at one point a few of years ago I was really in touch with my sexuality, and for the most part that can be wonderful, but it's a fine line between strong, and unhealthy. It was getting unhealthy. I saw something that triggered it (actually wierdly enough it was a video of a woman and a horse, not into that AT ALL but it hit me like- BAM). Stronger than ever. So my slut took over (not literally you know, I am sane, well kid of. Oh, What's normal anyway!)



Anyway, I started looking in to really dark profiles. And I had correspondance with someone I feel to this day was a real rapist. He was young and had an uncontrollable inner beast, that I toyed with like an idiot (so bad). I ended up dropping it thank god because it could of been truly bad (and hubby told me to). He is always there to catch my fall and save me from myself, I do nothing without his approval. Anyway, this is just one of many conversations we had that I saved:




 ME:         I went to the mall yesterday (really, I did). I pulled into the parking structure. Parked up at the top like I usually do so I have to take the elevator  down a level to the mall entrance (always pretty empty up there). I guess you could call it my “research”.


 


I related the whole experience like kind of a prequel to other fictional stories I write. I walked from my car to the elevator, looking around me, trying to feel you there and what it would be like in my rape fantasy. However, there were only other ladies around, looking at me, guess I looked kind of strange taking in my surroundings so meekly. I pretended they were not there. I took the elevator, looking across it, while alone in it, trying to imagine you across from me.  I have a pretty good imagination, so I could see you there, but because it was MY imagination, the reality of the situation made me see it differently in my head, a little more subdued than in my stories. I took it from the very beginning. You are in the parking structure when I arrive. You catch the elevator with me initially. Separate ends of the elevator, standing facing each other, uncomfortable silence, stealing peaks of one another then looking away. Can you visualize it? Your arms folded, both of us kind of looking down, only now and then stealing glimpses of each other.  I look up, and catch you staring at me… and you look back down a little. Not wanting to alarm me at this point. Smart, because you want me on the WAY to my car. And you want to study me for awhile anyways, to work up your own nerve. I smile at you and say thank you when we get out because you let me out first, your gentleman way that I see you having in real life I think. You mumble something like “sure” under your breath. In reality I walked, and looked around, all the while I imagine men that are really walking behind me being you, stalking, but kind of not paying much attention to me at first. But not really going your own way either. It was a neat use of my imagination really. I went to the food court. Got a sample of gelato. The guy next to me I imagined being you. You are in the same stores I go to. I look at you like “what?” and smile. That’s when your beast is present. He (your beast) has arrived. You don’t smile, or look away. Not even a slight change of expression. The knot hits my stomach. But “you were a gentleman in the elevator, even borderline shy”. “You can’t be a creep”, I think to myself. Could you? Because of the earlier exchange, I almost trust you regardless of the new you I am seeing. I’m scared, but not scared enough to get mall security to walk me to my car. That’s my bad judge of character. I have always had that (I have had many experiences trusting the wrong person, but that’s another day). You know what happens next…


 


HIM:       Most of my time has been with submissives, and they're willing nearly all of the time once you get them, but if you take too much, they're not cool with that,  they let you know. But they learn the hard way that they are not the ones in control, and they did this to themselves. 


 


ME:         I have heard some Doms say that subs are not into rape scenes. Its too much for them. To me its second nature and I can’t imagine how they are NOT into rape scenes. After all, its kind of the nature of this. But what you do is different, your not coming from the same place they are.


 

HIM:          Oddly, enough I've had more of a taste for real force with my long-term vanilla girlfriends when I've pushed for sex and they've resisted and during anal sex when they've complained and I've keep going,


 


ME:              Actually that makes perfect sense in respect to you, who you are, and what your buttons are. Of course you enjoy going too far, that is your  nature. Taking it from someone who doesn’t want to give. It’s your BEAST. He is always there, but under the surface. I understand that. In your heart you care too. You enjoy it at the time, but you don’t really like hurting them when they are not into it. Your beast does though. That’s what I enjoy taping into. The beast within every man, and I believe every man has one. I tap into my hubby’s now and then. He is kind and gentle, but that beast is under the surface. It’s what makes him just want to violate me and rip me open with his cock. (Example is last night, I teased him before bed so when I was asleep I felt a hand over my mouth and ended up with... well lots of stuff happening.)


 


Maybe when you think about it, the ultimate submission would be raping a dominant lady (what was I thinking???) When you think about it, that is the ultimate person to “take”, the extreme unwilling. Of course then she would be more of a switch I guess, because we ARE talking about consensual play here, right? I sense something a little off about you.  I think I’m almost too willing of a victim for your taste really. But when you think about it, I am also perfect. For I really do feel fear. I really do want to shed real tears, and I am not into role playing really, and acting. I want the realism in a scene. So with that, it would be taken from me, truly taken. My reactions very real.


 


HIM:              You are teasing me, and that wetness you're describing. It's mine. I have a right to it, to use it for my pleasure as I have a right to all of your body. It's all for the taking.


 


ME:          Yes, it’s true. In essence of conversation and being honest, I am teasing you knowing that I am very turned on by this. I’m just a little cunt that deserves to be given what I ask for. May be more than I bargain for though huh? It’s a dangerous game soliciting inner beasts from potential rapists J Or making potential rapists from inner beasts… hmm.


HIM:           Where are the right places to meet people like you?


 


ME:         You tell me, you found me. What triggered you to be this way? I know what triggered me. Here's a couple of stories for you about what shaped my need for fisting actually.
 
The time I was broken in:


I was 9, he was 12, he was feeling me out, I remember being very wet. (Having older sisters with perverted boyfriends, I was exposed to sex very young, I knew how to french kiss, I would try to kiss their boyfriends all the time, some would even let me, but they never really “bugged” me, I wasn't "molested", almost a couple times though, I was a fast little girl). Anyway, we were playing at my friends house on her bed (he was her brother). He had been feeling me out for some time, every time I came over, late at night when her parents were asleep, her brother and I on the couch, him feeling my wetness, at 9! This one time he was feeling me out, he couldn't resist and slid his finger up me, I gasped. The pain was so intense I thought I was going to die, I told him to take it out and he did right away but it was too late, the deed was done. I was broken. I didn't have actual penetration until  later (a month after my 14th birthday) when I had sex for the first time (wasn't really ready even then) but I never was broken in again. It was done the first time at 9. That pain, the first time when his finger slid up me, is the ghost I have been chasing. I am fixated on it,  fisting, making it feel like I am a virgin being broken for the first time. That is one experience that shaped my need for  vaginal physical pain. 


 


Another childhood experience that shaped who I am now, the kink in me... This time I was swimming in a lagoon in Capitola by Santa Cruz (lived there as a kid). There was a  bar right up above where I was swimming, over the lagoon. Men were drinking and I was floating with my "sex is my bag" visor on. I was about 10 or 11. One man noticed my hat and asked me about it. I told him that sex was my bag. He kind of laughed at me, with his friends, and I was flirting kid of with him. He was drunk.. Of course not knowing the full impact of what I was doing. He invited me to come up into the restaurant and he would buy my some food. I declined, thank God (I would have been REALLY fucked up, this way I can ENJOY my sexuality). However, I often through the years concentrated on what may have happened to me, and I have orgasmed to that thought many times. One scenario, I go with him back to his place, he gets me something to drink, he talks me into touching him, or him touching me. Light play or maybe he licks me for the first time, bringing me to orgasm (Ive been orgasming since I discovered it at age three all by myself). Or he talks me into letting him try fingering me only. Or makes me put his cock in my mouth, bringing himself to orgasm with his own hand, cuming in my mouth. Or maybe he gets extreme, painfully putting his cock into my hole, very gradually over my tears trying to make it fit.


 


 


HIM:            Oh slut, you've opened a big can of worms with this stuff about your childhood…


and I think made me more open to some of the fantasies you have about the young you and older boys and men.


ME:             That was the tip of the iceberg… my true love is… Age play… (within reason).



3/19/2009 8:59:35 PM

Today was so beautiful. Great drive. The bay area is just so bitchen.  But It was actually ridiculous at how horny I was! Last night I was taken by hubby before I left. That was so nice. Also last night I had a great chat with someone I have a connection with and things he said really sent my slut into a spin. The connection makes the words even greater than they are really, I think even he was a little surprised at my enthusiasm. So needless to say everywhere I went I had to put my game face on, but I was so wet, and I felt like a loaded gun that could go off any minute. It is truly a wonderful feeling being so in touch with my sexuality. But  I don’t tap in for long periods at a time, it's a bit like the "hulk". Kind of a hassle really. But right now I am on a roll, and I want to feel “her” (my slut). It’s been so long, I have been so good. I love it when “she” takes over. But, at one point I was noticing that I was getting way more attention than usual, and I couldn’t really have normal conversations with men, and I just kept thinking about a firm hand grabbing my hair, slapping my face, all sorts of other thoughts that crept into my head ALL FUCKING DAY. And I have work tomorrow and can’t be that way there (hm, maybe I would do better?) I have to be professional (I guess!). So against my better judgment I had to wheel her back in before I did something I might regret, I had to put her away. So there, in the beautiful redwoods, in my car, just us two, I gave her something to hold her at bay... Twice.


3/17/2009 10:36:35 PM

I should be going to sleep right now, but my mind is just too cluttered. I have to go away for a few days and I have just so much to do. What am I forgetting? Today I was (finally) able to take care of a few things. I had to FOCUS. And I have to (try) and keep doing that! I made a list. It's just that so many in my life depend on me and when Im not here it's really hard for them. I hate to leave, but I have to. Wow, I will have FREE TIME! Whats that?? After I work maybe I'll shop a little, play, relax, see friends and possibly play, and lastly... obsess about everyone back at home sad that I'm gone. Yes, on second thought, I'll probably do that.


3/17/2009 6:36:20 AM

Man did yesterday suck! It just did. From the beginning to the end. Truth is I fucked up. Got a little wrapped up in my slut and wasn't seeing my priorities. My husband is so good to me. He knows it is a mixed bag < with this girl> when I'm REALLY feeling my sexuality... when my inner slut is present. I tend to be flirtier (walking my dog without a bra on, neighbors are probably thinking "what the fuck?"), and just have a different presence about myself in general, mainly with men. Going to get my tires changed, hated those guys! But all I could think about was getting fucked. Seeing the man walk out of office depot "hm, wonder if he is aggressive in bed?" Going to the 99 fucking cent store and the guy behind the counter, thinking hmm, wouldn't mind doing him. What is that? I’m an in control person, a responsible member of society. What the fuck? But, as much as I think it, I would NEVER act on such things (without thought first that is). Okay, next subject. I have been having correspondence with this really great Dom on here. I said some things as a result of feeling really close to him, hubby read them, was slightly taken back by some of the things I was saying, or wasn't saying actually to be more specific. And I like this Dom. I wrote him last night and explained the situation, and haven't read his email back yet. For all I know, it might have freaked him out a bit and he will sadly step out (that would really suck though because my husband is still okay with me seeing him, just needed to set me straight). See and I KNOW it can all be GONE with one wave of his hand, so it's a delicate balance for me. That is why I try to not tap into it for so long at a time. It's like a monster, my libedo. Just takes over! NOW he remembers why it’s a mixed bag when I’m like this. But hubby is NO punk, and I have to always put him to the forefront. And we talked, had great sex, thought everything was okay. Then  I paid for it.  He loves the dirty little girl who jumps on him wildly at night, so much that I will be ASLEEP and feel his hand over my mouth, its fun when he is in touch with his inner beast. But last night was a little different, he was REALLY in touch with his inner beast and at one point I felt his wrath. It wasn't just the usual face slaps to get my attention. Quite a bit harder this time. He knows how much I can't take forced anal, it brought me to tears. His hands are HUGE and he was pushing his large fingers up inside me, biting me, then came the spanking which I HATEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. But in retrospect (and the fact I can't sit down right now) point well taken. I will be a little more careful with my words. Next subject. Road trip. Going on a road trip end of the week. Just us two. Me and my slut. Yikes. Maybe a few more spankings coming my way :)


3/16/2009 12:50:09 PM
Think I need to be clearer, at the tire store I meant I was fucked FIGURATIVELY, the bill was way high.

3/16/2009 11:37:05 AM
Usually I enjoy getting fucked, but not when it's at a Discount tire center!

3/15/2009 6:42:00 PM

It's a mix of give and take (more giving, less take), but I think common ground will be established. Testing new waters. Hubby is being really cool with it. After all, it doesn't happen w/o his okay. So, exciting things are happening.  Yea! Looking within and letting go. You know it's funny, all this time on here, all the people I have spoken to for years. I think I'm finally getting a glimpse of what subs see in mainstream B&D interests. At least my mind is somewhat open at the moment to it.  My default triggers are limited to very specific interests. I usually don't seek other dynamics of play. Only what is in my little box, my world, my head. Why would I? Isn't it natural to try to connect with someone who has the same basic interests, at least a couple anyway, right? Or is it? If someone has "drives" that don't really co-inside with my usual interests per se, yet I really enjoy the person and can feel my submission  (and I do totally feel it, very important), can a lasting connection work with that person based on only doing things to please him? Sure is going to be fun finding out! Things that make you go "hmmm".


3/13/2009 6:43:55 AM

Giving in to the thought of lingerie lately. Go figure. I used to love it but that feels like it was so long ago. Revisiting lot of interesting thoughts lately.


3/12/2009 8:24:10 PM
I'm souped out now! Had it 4 TIMES in the past week and 1/2. Finally out of my system for awhile. Now the pub is calling me. A nice draft import sounds really good right now.

3/12/2009 11:02:45 AM

I wrote this one evening quite awhile ago so I'm sharing. 

"I don’t know why I ask for this. I'm attracted to the Darkness that few say they truly possess. Most profiles are not very big and scary, I have found that the dark ones are minimal in words. Everyone worries about making that sub feel very safe, which I understand, because underneath it all I need that too, to let myself fully go. Doms on here don’t want to say the wrong thing, or conversation will not even get off the ground with a new sub. If I had a nickel for every time I read “I take your submission as a gift”.  They seek for a sub to outstretch her hands, gently placing the cuffs onto her, her submitting so freely… whip, whip here, gentle caresses there. I just am not wired that way. Maybe I do hide behind this computer at the moment. But when I do play, I know how to let myself go. I continuously seek the dark one who can invade my mind.

 

I have always been geared towards rape play. In one way (hard to take it physically these dayz). In another I wish for my attacker to know me, and almost have this sick love for me, the need to hurt me (yet I hate pain, go figure), overwhelming his desire to keep me safe. Sick huh? One has to take the time to let things flow NATURALLY. To contrive the experience and not be true to ones self, is just excruciating.

 

Rape:  One non consensual sex act does most single handedly change a woman’s life forever in some negative way. A horrible way. It also changes the loved ones lives around them, it takes years to work through. So, needless to say, I don’t seek that. Real Rape is despicable, and a drain on society. For someone to trash someone’s life like that is an incredibly cowardly act. If they only knew the damage that occurs.  The power and control. A sick cycle. Its a big deal. Really sad when you are on the front lines seeing the damage. (okay, I was a rape crisis counselor).

 

Then there is me... I know the danger. I have a past (who doesn’t). Now the tough's not going anymore and little miss "healed" searches for the danger again. (That’s where hubby comes in, he keeps me grounded from the inevitable danger I seek, and gives me a certain amount of it to keep me happy) I know the effects of real rape, and sometimes I will flirt with danger, take the stairs instead of the elevator. I don’t want real rape inside, knowing the effects, so why do I do that? Because it is all in the mind set at the time. When I build up and get in touch with my inner slut, the balance is off and tipped more to her favor. She throws caution to the wind (always has). She is the one who would betray me in a rape. My body responding, through my tears and cries. She would cause me to be so wet. With each face slap, with each word, name, painful thrust. I say “her”, but don’t think I have a personality disorder or anything, I’m just referring to my alter ego in this way. I am very reality based. So in reality I guess what I really want is to feel safe with someone so they can do whatever they want  and I wont have that panicky feeling of thinking I will die. The first time I played, I played fairly hard (hubby watched over, safely). The most painful part of the scene that time (the first time)… and I’m still unsure as to why totally, was after.  I think I was having crossovers remorse. Maybe it was getting in touch with past feelings, that is a big button, revisiting. It stirs me up, not sure if it is a good button or bad one, sometimes they run together with me, because sometimes it makes me feel bad, but the butterflies are there and that’s what I enjoy underneath it all. I enjoy being uncomfortable…


3/11/2009 4:15:07 PM
Wet Wet Wet. Love that feeling.

3/8/2009 10:01:21 AM
Really great dinner last night with friends from this site. Funny when you have been talking for so many years, it's nice to finally see eachother face to face!

3/4/2009 9:44:07 AM
Yesterday I had lunch with a very nice man. One of the pet peeves he mentioned is when people misrepresent themselves with weight, or using old pics etc. I really don't think (some) people realize they do this. I say this because he is using an outdated pic that does not represent him well but possibly doesn't realize it. I'm not looking for perfection in any way shape or form, but it would be nice if the pic that's being used is in the ballpark :)

2/13/2009 2:47:40 PM
Rainy days make me want soup!

2/6/2009 11:26:26 AM
Age play has been on my mind so much lately. So nasty.

2/4/2009 1:43:13 PM
Today I met a very nice older man as an age play prospect. It didn't work out but that's okay. But it did make me see that age play is a fine tuned kink. So many factors go into it and you have to be on the same page. So many types of age play (she seduces him, or he forces her, he's nice, he's mean, she's turned on, or she resists). So many factors!

2/1/2009 7:56:47 AM

Someone wrote this to me once and I enjoy re reading it from time to time. "FISTING in my mind is a perfect cum control......by the time you start being FISTED, you will have been in a extremely aroused state...wrists and ankles chained to the bed and blindfolded with gag.... your cunt will be well lubricated with your cum juice and lube. I will be wearing white surgical grade cloves on.....I begin by touching, squeezing and twisting your nipples and the clamp is clipped on....to get you started.  touching your ass and body to get you wet.  Then,  my hands slide down to your cunt and  inserted slowly....I pull the chain from the nipple clamp, and you arch your body forward.......then three fingers......in and out....making that squishing sound, making that cunt drip with precum streaking down your thighs.......then four fingers.....At this point, I need to rotate my hand around to see how deep the hole is and the direction of the deepest cavity... I now move the finger pointing towards the deepest part of the cavity and press in a lil bit forward till part of knuckle gets through...The  widest part of the cunt mouth where the FIST can path through need to be located, so my hand can slip in easily.  I tuck my thumb into the palm and all four fingers straight forming a duck beak. And the beak starts to slide into your pussy.  When the knuckle hits your pussy bones....I rotated the hand and pressed slowly wigling a little making room for the whole hand to slip in.  Once the whole FIST passed  through the cunt bone, your cunt mouth closes to grip my wrist...... Inside your cunt, I curl my finger to form a round FIST. And you can feel the four fingers touching your cunt wall when I curl them.....now the whole FIST fills up your pussy space....Its like something that belongs to your Master is deep inside of you......I then pull the nipple chain to get some reaction from you, your hip arches up as if to suck in the whole FIST closer. You can feel the closeness to your Master, the closest you've ever feel with another being......Noticing your escalating emotions from your voice, I start rotating my FIST slowly inside your cunt, the knuckle puts pressure on your cunt wall and it feels like its gliding inside....a little tiny rotation of the FIST is amplified in your mind as a , very big rotation to you.....at some point, this movement will trigger  your primal female instinct to breed ...blood rushes to your brain.....your eyes are wide open, your brains a alert, your thighs tighten, your hip rises and you feel your cunt tighten up....everything is focussed onto your cunt. I can feel my FIST wrapped and squeezed by the cunt muscle. The cunt trys to push out the FIST, as you feel that cum urge arising from deep inside your soul.....the FIST is pushed back countering your pussy squeeze.....I use my left finger to rub your clit as the squeeze begins.....ummmmm....this really pushes you over the edge....I can tell...your cunt wall starts to contract hard, trying to push the FIST out.....you feeling the urge to cum.....you know you can cum if you push my FIST out...but I won't let you.......I push the FIST in again.......your pussy keeps on contracting....with rythm now.......steady rythm of contracting  pushing FIST out ......And I push back........mmmmmm your at the edge, where your ready to cum but controlled by Master at the edge.   Then I turn on the hitachi magic wand......and press it lightly on to your clit mound.   At first it shakes the pussy bone...then starts to vibrate the whole womb....I can feel my FIST vibrate too.....Then a unfamiliar wave of pleasure starts to arise within you inside....deep inside....it comes and go like an ocean water swelling and fading.....the tide becomes stronger and stronger......and the cum tide becomes overwhelming......and you can't hold it anymore.......You now ask if you may cum......With that signal, I turns off the vibrator....and relaxes his FIST....the swelling stops and the urge decipates..............urge fades.......................then I turn on the Hitachi wand again, and pushing the FIST in pressuring the cunt wall.....again, you feel the urge and the swell of the cum builds up bigger and bigger like the tidal wave......again you lift your pussy so you can cum and again ask for permission to cum........I say NO, cum is denied, the vibrator off ,  FIST relaxed.........cum fades.........This goes on and on....untill the tidal wave becomes a tsunami and your now  at the very edge of sub space....When I sense this state in you, I will  turn on the vibrator....pressing the FIST very tight against the cunt wall and start rotating his FIST right and left.....your head starts to spin......you cum is feeling that gigantic swell from deep swell.....really deep this time.....and the feeling is overwhelming......I turn the vibrator to high for the first time and move the vib head pressing against the clit HARD...I can feel your cunt wall extremely tight this time.....tightest I have felt inside, I start to rotate the FIST with a bigger angle, this time not so slow, I can feel the wall contracting and extracting like a living thing, same rythm as your  the heart beat.  I order you to  count down from ten...you try but start entering into subspace by seven.....so I count down from six very slowly........and the at zero I pull my FIST a little out from your cunt and at the same time pul the nipple clamp HARD, very HARD.......press the vib agaist your clit mound HARD and then give you permission to cum........you explode like an volcano, start to mumble word and scream......your body is shaking hard....the chains are chattering , your thighs are tight, and you squirt like  hell, the squirt gets all over me onto my face and everywhere......The sensation is searing, blinding, overwhelming. Time ceases to exist. You see nothing but flashing red and yellow lights, like a million flashbulbs....Entered the subspace.....deep quiet , floating, swept by the swell. You feel faint. Your strength fails you, and your hands and ankles still  chained helplessly, no longer able to move. Your legs are spread out limb, my FIST is deep inside again ...from distance it looks like  a puppet and the puppet Master.....controlling how you move and how you feel.....The night is still young.....and your cunt is still cumming.......quivering.....emotions comes out.....you start to cry...hicupping....curl in my chest......"

 


2/1/2009 7:52:47 AM

My inner slut is kind of like The "Hulk". I think as a self protection I find that she is just too intense to deal with so I don't tap into her. Almost like another personality (don't worry, I'm very sane here, just an expression). She likes fear, she looks for trouble, she doesn't play it safe. She has betrayed me so many times in this life. But I am not the person I once was. I play it safe now. I am a model citizen... but I find my inner slut is slipping away. It takes so much to bring her to the surface. Actually, let me rephrase that, it takes intensity, abandon and at one time.. fear. Now, bring in hubby, he keeps me safe. I know it's love/hate for him, this inner slut of mine. When he found me (over a decade ago) he cleaned up her aftermath. He handled my inner slut like a true professional. Through strength and love (and discipline) he took this broken little girl and restored me back to who I am now, responsible. But he LOVES my slut too. He knows she needs to be used hard. He brings her out from time to time. When she appears there's a fine line to tread for both of us, between safe and self destruction... Someone once told me to read The Ethical Slut. I have it. Guess I should actually read it sometime.


1/7/2009 6:54:59 PM

Every time I log on here I look at my journal, then I start to write something, then I don't finish because it sounds like rambling (like now) so I delete it. Hate that!

Anyway, things are going good. It's been so long since we have played, I think it's because for the most part we don't quite fit in here. Not into the exact interests others are into. Some call it "narrow mindedness", or "not very serious" etc. Your right! We know what we like. I say to you "Why so serious?"  I look at profiles, they say "serious only, this is a LIFESTYLE for me". Or "No prospects just looking for kinky sex!" Well shit, that would be us! Drat the luck. High proticol is not our thing, if its yours you would not be a good match. This is NOT a lifestyle for us. It's an addendum to our very strong union.

Also, I HAVE to have penetration. Not into whips and chains (there goes the lifestyle people who are great candidates, yet not, did I mention I HATE pain?) I was on a treatment for quite awhile (small doses’ of Chemo for way too long!) and after I was done, walla, HATE PAIN. My body is in pain enough without adding to it :)
However, fisting, oh fisting,  not only can I take that pain, I love it!

Anyway, I hope everyone is having a great New Year. Looks like so many perverted kinky cool things going on. I hope this year is full of sweet purity and some sin too, after all life is a balance isn't it?
ss


10/18/2007 4:24:15 PM
You know, the slut can leave the surface but it is never truly gone from the soul.
  Costco this morning: "I wonder if any of these men are experts at fisting (their wives or gf's).
Thought for the day :)

9/18/2007 3:51:08 PM
What a great day. Met an awesome girl from the site. She is sweet and, oh so sexy. We even got into trouble on our first meeting! How cool is that? It was so fun. Cops rolled up on us while we were making out overlooking the valley. I felt 16 years old again! Cop let me take a snap shot of him for the memory. Nice!

2/5/2007 1:18:12 PM
Well, it has been a month since I have looked at my messages. I am so sorry I have not written anyone back until now! Meanwhile hubby goes on here a bit so it looks like I am signed on, but I'm not. It's him usually playing the games (astroids).
I'm still not feeling well at this time so taking things one day at a time. Overall life is good though! Hope everybody is doing well and having lots of fun adventures... ss 

12/29/2006 9:51:16 AM
Very behind on my mail. Sorry!

4/4/2006 6:04:58 PM
Women tops, switches, or subs (local) who enjoy fisting sub girls say hello!

3/16/2006 7:21:49 PM
My tattoos were taken out by adobe photoshop, but I still have them!

3/1/2006 8:45:29 PM
I took the greatest hike in our local hills today. Everything was green. We had a fire awhile back so the green against the black was a sight to behold. Little yellow wildflowers everywhere. Fresh clean air, a little crisp. Blue sky. It was a wonderful hike.

1/8/2006 7:41:49 AM
Thanks for all the chat requests ... but my computer doesn't like the chat software (here or YM or AIM, etc)

12/19/2005 2:42:27 PM
I am learning through discussion (only), how wonderful medical play is.

9/7/2005 12:20:32 PM
Hearing about imaginary sex, and even dark torture "cybering",  really does not do a whole lot for me. Having real conversation, where someone is pushing my buttons, making me very uncomfortable, diving into my being mentally, coaxing out my secrets so they can use them to their twisted advantage, torturing my mind, maybe churning up real fears in me is more my style.  

8/31/2005 4:25:45 PM

An invitation...inside my thoughts. Desired: Written correspondence with one who has mystery, who keeps me on edge. I need mental stimulation. Maybe someone from another state who is content with just writing. Someone who wishes to get into my mind. A game of sorts. One would say I may be looking for trouble, that would be my Slut. She tends to walk on the edge. Need someone to give me back my butterflies, to make me slightly uncomfortable, even a little fearful, yet online for now:( 

I don’t have full power over when and how often I play. I'm not complaining mind you!  I just can't start more than one thing at once. Things move like molassas with me. I am okay with that. But hopefully it explains a little why I dont dive into playing with all who write.  We use this lifestyle as an enhancment tool, the people we have played with (not many) are okay with that. Family makes very limited time as well...
 
To correspond with someone who sincerely wants to get to know me online, that would be very welcome at this time. I will know you when I see you.


8/1/2005 8:12:34 PM

I have the biggest dildo that I have only been able to take one time (have to be in the right mind frame for this one). I am hoping to feel the pain again of it being forced inside... and soon...


7/30/2005 9:43:03 AM
happiness is a WET vag...

7/29/2005 10:36:01 PM

After exchanging some (long distance) e mails, I was fortunate to have a very insightful person  analyze my bdsm needs,  and this is what they said.

 





By going through your note I have noticed that you are
looking for the followings:
- adventure
- fear of unknown
- physical domination
- power exchange
- pain
- age play
 
Your threshold is low for pain, but given the right 

stimulus you may have insatible capacity to absorb.

 

Big toys. You are fixated on vaginal stretching. 
You would do well to consider other large objects such as 
a baseball bat, cucumber or other things of common use as 
toys. Those are awesome. The feel of a fist inside your 
body either in vagina or anal is something out of this world. 

 

You think your body may not be built for this, but what you need os someone patient

 

enough to make it happen for you.

Have you ever thought of having sex with a group of
persons with a blindfold on?  That is awesome too. Rape 
is nothing but a gangbang in a physically dominated 
situation. The feeling of helplessness and abuse that 
goes in the process is something you may enjoy and 
cherish too. I understand that you have a passion for forceful and 
rough sex.
To me, there are three things common in your childhood 
stories. 1)An adventure or missed adventure 2) 
pain, fear or fantasy, and 3) flash back. Deep down
you have a desire for abuse and molestation,
humiliation, compliance to demanding Dom's demand,
some amount of aggression for you to fear him, and
enjoy whatever you are doing thinking that you have
avoided more pain.....and suffering...by compliance to
the demands.
Regards to your marriage and husband. I have had a 
relationship with a couple where the wife was 
submissive. We made it a point NOT to make it
two player zero sum game. That is when one tries to
gain at the cost of  others as happens in the
marketplace. In fact, we all became so attached to
each other for our common interests, and no jealousy.
Your hubby also needs to get some enjoyment of his own 
out of it. I do not know what it could be but something 
has to be for him too. There are ways for him to be 
included, to participate and enjoy

 


7/5/2005 10:42:32 PM
 

I have not written in so long really. Feels weird. I went on vacation. Gained 10 lbs. Still cute I think, just thicker. I have been on hiatus for awhile. We were giving a situation a chance but logistics were getting in the way making it hard so it didn't happen. That's okay, friendships were made and I like that too. I like taking things slow, and if they don't work out, it must have been meant to be. We are baby stepping, taking it slow. Really need someone local who has experience and who I feel chemistry with, and who my husband feels good with too. Not sure how to describe you, but I will know you when you write or answer. Local is a plus, or the ability to come to our town, not too young. Experienced.  Can work with my newness to pain. Integrity is of major importance. Maybe you have a counterpart who knows about us, so I am not your only option. Honest Honest Honest... seems so easy but hard to find.


7/5/2005 11:05:34 AM
If you are local in the San Fernando Valley, please write!

6/8/2005 10:28:14 PM
Right now I am requesting that no one right me for play, unless you are female (any orientation), or you are any gender interested in sharing fantasies through writing, or just being friends to support eachother in this lifestyle.  Just a request, just for now.
Thanks...

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MistressFemdom
 
 Age: 34
 Southampton, United Kingdom