submissivekim

Female Switch, 52, Monmouth County, New Jersey

Female Submissive, 43

Male Dominant, 44, warwick, Rhode Island

Monday, December 22, 2008 Getting dirty 12-21-08 Tonight we continued talking about my past issues and specifically with me getting sexually dirty. It?s weird because I had always wanted to stay so neat and tidy before, not really ever realizing that getting all wet and slobbery was okay. M told me to go into the bedroom, take off my clothes and wait on the floor. Waiting on the floor always makes me feel so submissive, smaller, while he towers over me, dominating me. Being told to be in this position usually means I will be giving him a blow job and since I?ve been getting more and more comfortable with getting all sloppy while sucking his cock, I figured I was going to be doing it while being forced to get more and more messy. I waited patiently on the floor for him to come in anticipating what was going to happen. He came in, handed me a pillow, stood naked in front of me and told me to sit on my heels with the pillow under my thighs. I felt that he was taking completely control of me, telling me exactly what he wanted and how. He told he that no matter how bad my legs hurt from being in this position, that I was to do what I was told to do? just like last night. Last night I was masturbating with a toy while I was sitting back on all fours with my ass facing him so he could watch. This is such a vulnerable position for me but I have gotten so much more comfortable exposing myself to him. I have felt so much safer and so much more encouraged. Even before I started to masturbate, he rubbed his hands all over my ass which made me feel so sexy and so encouraged and that he approved of what he was looking at. After a while I could feel my legs and feet hurting but I didn?t care. I blocked out the pain and got myself off for the fourth time. Tonight was to be the same type of mental situation. M also told me that every time I took his cock inside my mouth I had to push harder and gag. I was very nervous about this because I hate to gag but I know I had to do this. I knew when I gag I tend to make more spit and I know that was the point. So I began and the first time his cock hit the back of my throat, I choked. I thought, okay, I got one time out of the way, now stay mentally strong. I know that I can control some of the gagging by controlling my thoughts-other times it is more of a physical response. I kept going. I pushed hard and every time I put his cock in a little deeper or pushed harder I gagged a lot and got very dirty?all down the front of me, on the floor and on the pillow underneath me. It didn?t bother me having the spit dripping down my boobs or down the front of my kitty. I kept going. M grabbed the back of my head and pushed his cock inside me a little farther which made me gag again and instead of taking a moment to spit out the excess, M kept his hand on the back of my head to maintain the same rhythm while pushing him self deeper into my throat. I gagged again and again with him in my mouth. My mouth was full of spit and I just let it come out. The spit didn?t bother me but when gagging so much, I start to tear and start to get real snotty. This was really difficult for me. I struggle with this mentally because if something is difficult and so uncomfortable, why would he want to continue doing it to me? I just kept going. M tilted his pelvis under which made his penis angle up in the back of my mouth. This change of position made me gag again but he continued to keep himself inside my mouth. I struggled but I kept going. I knew that if I kept going, I could finish the job. If I bitched and moaned, I would not be getting as dirty as I could and I would not be a good submissive. If I didn?t finish the job, it would just keep going on. I had to keep going. After some time, having him deep inside my mouth got easier and I wasn?t gagging near as often. After a little bit, he came inside my mouth and I swallowed every drop. I was glad I could finish him off and I was proud of myself for making it through okay. M then got a vibrator for me to masturbate with but after playing with it for a little while, M realized that I may not be able to cum so he decided that I should stop. Gagging so much had been a mental struggle that I over came but I think it took a lot out of me so it did make concentrate on having an orgasm a little difficult. I?m glad M was in control and stopped me. M then told me to get up and look at how dirty I got. At first I just glanced at myself in the mirror but M repeated it again and I stood and looked at myself. I was dripping from my nose down to my kitty and I was just fine with it. I didn?t think the snot looked sexy but M never cares. I still have a tough time with gagging on his cock and it?s very difficult for me when I was forced to keep his dick in my mouth while I was choking but I know that I can get through it with patience and an encouraging husband. I know that I was a good submissive and I?m proud of myself throughout this entire experience because I did exactly as I was told to do and I did it well.

Saturday, December 20, 2008 Uncovering the past December 18, 2008 Yesterday was an adventure into my past. M. asked me to write about my journey into self discovery or the discovery of my submissive nature. The writing was to include a lot about my past-how or why did I become this way, who, if any, were the people involved, past comments made to me that hurt me to this day which also contributed or shaped me. My first thought was that I didn?t know exactly who was all involved or where to begin but before writing, I started to get emotional. I suddenly remembered some things about my father that have really affected me in a negative way. This made me feel so bad because I saw that I was going to go to a place where I would be finding some faults in the way my father raised me and in him. I was going to be forced to get rid of the image I?ve always had of him-that he was perfect. Thinking that about my father also made me feel completely guilty. He is such a great man to so many people but I now realize that that?s part of the problem. He was as much as he could be to so many others but not everything that I needed to me. My father was the first man, and until M., the only man I had submitted to. I remembered specifically the time when my father told M that he didn?t think he was the man for his daughter. I could have died when M told me about this situation. I couldn?t believe my father would do that to me. I was humiliated and embarrassed. When probed further, we realized that, I wasn?t really as mad at my father for what he did but I was angry with myself. I know I screwed up but then used that specific situation to transfer some of the blame to someone else. We ended up talking a lot about my issues with my father and it really came out that he never paid a lot of attention to me growing up and I desperately craved it. Not only that, but I was trying to convince myself that I understood why he was so busy with everyone else. I was constantly defending him. And what I also realized is that my mother covered for him a lot. It doesn?t exactly make me feel anger towards her because she was trying to fill in for him and trying to help me understand but I know that is why, to this day, that I always try to defend my dad. It has nothing to do with disagreeing with what he was doing and it pains me to think that if I would have had more attention from him I could have possibly held him back from what he?s accomplished. How selfish of me to also be someone that wanted more from him when he was so busy helping so many other people. Ugh. I was and am so incredibly proud of him and we need more men like him in this world but I needed him. I began to see that I became involved in things he was involved in to get closer to him and that behavior has transitioned on to other men I?ve dated. Not near as much as my father or my husband because I never saw enough in the others to let it get that far. I started feeling like I was beginning to hit the tip of the ice berg with the baggage regarding my father. I had this overwhelming sense of relief that I was beginning to understand where some of my submissive nature started or was shaped. Right after talking and crying a bit with M., my phone rang and it was my dad on his cell. It could not have been more providential. It was amazing. I absolutely could not believe it and I was truly blown away. I answered it not knowing what to expect. M. was his outgoing friendly self saying hi from a few inches away but also told me quietly that I had to talk to my dad and tell him what was on my heart?that there was a reason why he called when he did and then proceeded to point towards heaven. I was so nervous because I had no idea what to say or how to start the conversation. I had no idea- I was scared. I was also nervous because I really didn?t know how my dad was going to take it. My dad just started talking about how he was down in the basement wishing I was there to help him work on the piano he was working on and I told him it was only because my labor was so cheap. We had a good couple of laughs about old times working on pianos. Dad said he was just thinking about me but didn?t want to bother and that?s when I started. I started to talk and also to become emotional because I knew I was going to be getting out a lot of stuff I had never said to him before. He told me that he was having a Kim moment and I started laughing and told him that I was having a Dad moment and that M. was helping me to do a lot of self discovery and I was learning that I really needed more from him growing up. I told him that when he was so busy with other people, I needed him. I told him all that. I told him how I felt at track practices; I told him how his busy schedule affected me and how I viewed him not giving me the attention I needed. At this point, I couldn?t believe I was saying all this. I couldn?t believe I had mustered up the courage to say all the stuff I was saying. I just knew, though, that all the stuff M. and I were beginning to talk about before my dad called and all the self discovery and steps I was making to move forward would be in vain if I didn?t say what I said. I wouldn?t be able to heal and especially, to move forward. He talked about fond memories of coaching junior high kids in track together but I told him that I also did that to be close to him (AND I enjoyed it). I received such positive feedback from him doing it. This was so reassuring and encouraging. I recognized it as a way to get attention as well as an enjoyment. I also told him that sometimes, it?s not about the fact that so much happened at a time that we were together but the importance of the fact that he?s there. I also said that maybe when he and mom come in April, they?ll stay for more than just a day. We?ll see. We would enjoy them coming and just relaxing with us for a bit. He reminisced about how he looks back and wishes he did things differently and he apologized for not being there more often than he was. He reached out. I know he feels really bad about it. He also said a couple of times that he was worried about calling b/c he didn?t want to be a bother but I told him that when he calls, he is never a bother. He said that sometimes he has nothing to say,? I told him that mom and I talk a lot mostly about nothing. I felt so good talking to him. I felt so good after we hung up. I felt like such a weight had come off my shoulders and I felt very proud of myself for spilling my heart and for being able to admit a lot of the ?stuff? to myself?(ie defending him for being too busy for me). I had never looked at it that way. M. was very proud of me after that call, too. I still can?t believe Dad called me when he did. Pretty cool. After that, M. led me to the couch and we talked. After telling me he was proud of me and both of us talking about how ironic the call was, we talked about the fact that my dad apologized. I had a hard time accepting that because I felt myself constantly trying to defend him. I again felt so guilty for criticizing my father. M. had to repeat the fact that my father apologized. He repeated this a couple of times. I kept going around it. I couldn?t get it. On a couple of occasions, M. brought me back to that profound but simple concept and I was forced to deal with it. I had always felt bad for requiring more time of my dad which I think makes me in awe of M.-a man who is willing to put all this time, attention and energy into me because no one else has ever done that. I thought about that fact a couple of times today. I?ve caught myself a couple of times in the past few months on this journey into submission feeling guilty for requiring so much attention from M. On multiple occasions, he has reassured me that he is able to handle it and enjoys treating me like a princess. It?s easy to wonder if you?re worth it when you didn?t receive this same amount of attention from your own father. I feel bad for criticizing my father but I know he?s doing the same thing to himself. When we were on the phone and he was criticizing himself, I told him that there?s nothing we can do about the past, and that?s when I brought up their trip to see us being longer than a day. Last night on the couch I finally started to come to grips with the fact that my father apologized. I went through the process of forgiving him and really realizing that I had and wanted to move on. There?s no point in taking all those feelings forward any more. After the couch, M told me to take a shower. Afterward, M. led me naked into the bedroom, which anytime he leads me, makes me feel submissive. I had no idea what he was planning on doing. I was a little nervous about the unknown but I wasn?t at all worried. I had this feeling that he was taking care of me. He proceeded to walk me over to the foot of the bed, put ear plugs in my ears, blindfold me with a handkerchief and bind my wrists together in front of me with rope. I thought in that exact moment that the old Kim would have been freaking out. At this point I was still completely naked, completely exposed and in an incredibly vulnerable position. I was 100% controlled by M. Even though I felt so naked and exposed, I felt an overwhelming feeling of comfort and safety. I didn?t know at all what he was planning on doing but that he knew what I needed. I know that?s why I felt so safe. He knows me better that I know myself. I knew that M. wasn?t going to do anything to me that I couldn?t handle or would cause pain or be bad for me. I almost felt myself laughing at the old Kim a little. After he completed tying me up, he walked me to the doorway of the bedroom, put my hands over my head, secured them over the doorway to the pull up bar above the door. He then told me to stand with my legs open slightly. At this point, I was in complete submission to him and I felt really good about it. I felt completely surrendered to him and his wishes and I felt myself exhaling deeply. I couldn?t do anything but wait for the next thing he wanted me to do or to do to me. It was then that he just started to talk to me. He talk to me about situations, old boyfriends, feelings I had from the past that we had talked about that I was hanging on to that didn?t allow me or us to move forward. He brought up past people not being there for me, for running out on me, for telling me I was sexually selfish. I broke. I just cried and cried. He brought up many of the issues I had with my submission to my father?s authority and my father not being there for me but for everyone else. We went through many of the scenes in my life that had impacted me and he told me to put the old Kim back in the situation and tell her that it wasn?t her fault, to tell her she didn?t know any better. I saw her there. I could see the scene unfold and I felt those feelings again but this time told myself that I wasn?t bad and I wasn?t the one screwing up, that I didn?t know any better and obviously, that person, if it was a situation with another guy, he wasn?t the right one for me. One specific situation I remembered and M. and I talked about was when B. told me I was sexually selfish. I remember exactly where he and I were standing when he told me that and I know I was blown away and so hurt. I had had no idea and I actually thought he was right. Maybe all this time when I enjoyed sexually receiving, I was being selfish. Or so I thought at the time. And now I know to the contrary. I knew he had been with a lot of other people. I think I was looking for him to teach me stuff sexually because he was so experienced. Also, I know at the time I so was incredibly lonely. All of my college friends either got married or moved away. I was desperately looking for attention and he was the only guy around at that time. I was desperately looking to belong to something (a group of which he was apart of) and belong but in what he said, I felt cut off, that I didn?t belong to or good enough for that group. I also looked to him as possibly being someone who could teach me about my own sexuality because he had more experience. I?ve realized that when he told me I was sexually selfish, my whole perception of my own sexuality changed for the worse. He, being a player, in an instant told me that I wasn?t good enough and didn?t measure up. I wasn?t good enough. What a blow to my self esteem. So now I wasn?t just lonely but also feeling pretty worthless. Wow, so I?ve been hanging onto what someone I really didn?t care too much about thought about something so intimate about myself for so long. But why did what he say or even he, matter so much? M. again told me to go back to that time and talk to that Kim and tell her that she is not to blame, that she did nothing wrong. After I went back to that place and had that conversation with the old Kim I realized I was beginning to let a lot of that pain go. I was beginning to understand the impact that experience had on me and now, the new Kim was able to be in that old situation and actually smirk at him and think that he was so sad. He can?t handle me and he didn?t deserve me. There were other memories that I thought about and processed and forgave myself for and let go. I remembered how incredibly bad I felt when I hurt M. when I lied to him. I remembered when he threw his phone at me and hit me with it. I remember him walking back to me so pissed and picked up the couch I was sitting on and threw it down. I had felt so guilty for so long about putting him through that. I knew all that was my fault but M. wanted me to go back through everything I did and forgive myself and let it go. I was so ashamed of my behavior and the way I treated him. I had so much guilt to get over. He pushed me through it with his soothing voice constantly reminding me to let it go. That all these past issues, problems, that he was giving me the permission to let it all go. That he was saying it was okay. I felt so completely cared for and safe. I don?t know exactly how long this went on for but M. stayed with me and guided me through. Towards the end, M. said to me a couple of times, that I was exactly what he needs?I?m exactly what he needs. I still get emotional thinking about that because I feel like such an imperfect person and especially going through this process of digging up so many past issues and problems, I see that more and more. So to have him not only lead me through this process but to also say I am exactly what he needs, wow. I am completely in awe of this man. He must love me a whole bunch and I can sure see it. It?s in these situations that you see how much someone loves you. When he says he loves me now, I know it and understand it. After a lot of letting go and crying, M. told me that he was going to go into another room and give me the opportunity to continue on my own, to think about letting go. I remained in this vulnerable position, my ears plugged, my eyes covered, my hands bound and suspended overhead and my legs spread slightly. During this time I began to feel me forgiving myself. I felt like I was saying, yes, you screwed up or you heard some very hurtful things but its okay now, that you can let these hurtful things go and you can forgive yourself for the things you did wrong. I truly began to feel a sense of release coming over me and a strong sense of self emerging. I could truly forgive my father for his lack of attention paid to me and accept his forgiveness. It was an amazing feeling. After a little while, M. gently released my hands from being suspended, untied them, took the ear plugs out of my ears one at a time, asked me to lift my hair while he untied the bandana covering my eyes and turned me around to face him. At this point we were near the end of the bed. He asked how I felt. I shared that I really understood what he was asking me to do and felt that I was lighter, younger, and also felt wiser,? that I was beginning to understand so much more. I really felt that I was able to begin to move on and take what happened to me in the past as lessons and situations where I didn?t know any better but do now. Its weird but I looked back at the old me as such a different person than the person I am now. I definitely have a sense of pride in myself?in the past I had put up a lot of blocks because of those situations unbeknownst to myself but in going back through these situations and learning how they made me feel and more important, how they impacted me afterwards, I have been able to recognize them for what they were; either situations I had no control over, situations where the other person was wrong, or situations where I did something wrong, was forgiven, but unable to let it go. Doing what M. has definitely forced me (in such a positive way) to deal with my past, to evaluate and to move on. I know that this is just the start and I will constantly be reevaluating and going back but I think he?s helped me to understand how to do it. If my parents are able to come down longer for a visit, I know I will treasure so much, the time together! I know they will, too. After the talking and crying, and crying some more, M. kissed me and gently turned me around, put his hand on the small of my back and pushed me forward onto the bed. I instantly got excited because I truly felt that he wanted to take care of me and that he was going to have his way with me. I felt completely controlled by him now in a sexual way where as before it was physical. I felt my body go limp on the bed while he began gently licking and kissing my kitty. I felt myself melt into the mattress. He told me that I had to cum within 5min of the time he started, which I did. This was hard because I had to focus and a couple nights before I wasn?t able to cum because of so many other things on my mind. I didn?t want to disappoint him so I focused and completely succumbed to the moment and enjoyed every lick, kiss and especially the ?new thing?-instead of his head being vertical when he goes down on me, it?s horizontal. It feels as if his lips have totally encompassed mine and he tickles my clit with his tongue. This feels absolutely incredible. After cuming, he kept going. Part way through, I suggested a position change which he happily obliged. This time I was on my back with my butt at the edge of the bed and my legs over his shoulders and around his back. That was incredible. It didn?t take me long but I came again and felt such a complete release. I was so completely worn out after this. What a night of complete mental, emotional, physical and sexual release! I really felt taken care of, completely submissive to him, and that made me feel so good. I know that he would do anything for me and take care of me forever. It was such a secure feeling and I felt so content and peaceful. After he had his way with me, he led me into the second bedroom, had me kneel down on the floor in front to the chair he was sitting on and go down on him. I felt very confident and strong that I was able to take care of him. I was doing my job and I always feel very good knowing that I can take care of him. I felt so confident! I could offer him that physical release in such an intimate way. I enjoyed making him cum and swallowing. I know it pleased him, too. I have found in my submission that I have such a strong desire to please him in so many ways (not just sexual). After he came and told me that I was finished, I got a warm wet towel and cleaned him off. After that, we sat on the couch, watched TV and cuddled for a few minutes, and then went to bed. What a wonderful exhaustion. I felt so drained but in such a positive way and so close to M. I almost felt as if all those hurts and pains and issues of the past were just things that happened to me. They seemed to loose their power over me. It?s weird to have this man in my life that wants to give me so much help and attention and wants to lead me down this path of self awareness and discovery. I can see how this will only make us closer and will develop so much depth to our relationship. I found myself today thinking if this was really happening to me. I guess I felt for so long that I wouldn?t get that attention or maybe didn?t deserve it. Also, I really didn?t know or realize how much I was hanging on to. I have found myself feeling sometimes guilty in requiring so much attention, but M. has reassured me that he can accept it and most importantly, that I?m all he needs. M. asked me how I felt today about what happened last night and I responded by texting, ?new?. I don?t feel like the same me. I feel smarter, more self aware and freer. I?m beginning to be able to see the blocks that I had up clearer and realize how to break them down and that I can. I know it can be scary because you never know what you will find but all I?ve found is the ability to be honest with myself. I can?t do anything about what happened in the past except learn from it and let the bad things go. It?s only then, that I, and more importantly, we, can move forward. I can only think the future is going to bright!

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