A friend of mine wrote this and I just had to share! LMAO

Shit 

Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family... 

Ghost Shit 

You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl. 



Teflon Coated Shit 

Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it! 



Gooey Shit 

This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet. 



Second Thought Shit 

You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more. 



Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit 

This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard. 



Bali Belly Shit 

You shit so much you lose 5 kilos. 



Right Now Shit 

You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down. 



King Kong or Commode Choker Shit 

This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house. 



Wet Cheeks Shit 

This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet. 



Wish Shit 

You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit! 



Cement Block or Oh God Shit 

You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit. 



Snake Shit 

This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long. 



Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit) 

Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house. 



Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers) 

You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning. 



Beer Drunk Shit 

This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house. 



The Frightened Turtle 

The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in 



The Bungee Shit 

The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water. 



The Ring of Fire Shit 

The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter. 



The Crippler 

The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down. 



The Big Bobber 

The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface. 



The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang 

The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam. 



The Incredible Hulk Shit 

The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size. 



The Jack the Ripper Shit 

The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out. 



The Party Pooper 

The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise. 



The Toxic Gas Shit 

The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town. 



Dirty Bowl Shit 

The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl. 



The Windy City Shit 

When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit. 



Oh Shit! Shit 

You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT! 



The Never Ending Shit 

It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea soup, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken. 



Ouch That Hurt Shit 

The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours. 

I saw this posted on another site and just had to post it here! LMAO!

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in  Sweetwater  ,  Texas  , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.