SmokingGun82

Male Dominant, 54, London

Female Dominant, 40

Male Dominant, 23

More amusement via CM: a message from a 44 year old who offered complete submission. I declined, because that's a bit out of my age range... only to be told I was unattractive and too young to be a Master. Which is an opinion you're entitled to... but NOT if you're throwing yourself at me.

Dear Santa, I can explain. Really, it's a big misunderstanding, and I'm sure we'll be laughing... Oh fuck it. Give me the damn coal, fat man. Mike

Things that amuse me, part something in a never-ending series... I was reading a profile a few minutes ago, and the person who wrote it made a big deal about how their smart and wonderful Master came up with their user name, how unique and special it was, and no one else could have done such a good job, and so on and so on. The great, unique user name? Well, I won't say the exact thing, to abide by ToS... but it's the word "slave" followed by a common female first name.

I think it's kind of funny that I just started to rant about something, found the phrasing to be familiar, and discovered I'd written about it two years ago. I'm obviously getting old.

So... if you're trying to sell a slave (or you're a foreign scammer pretending to sell a slave), please know I'm not sending you any money. I will, however, waste lots of your time haggling and demanding inane measurements and other qualifications. Also, if you're going to pretend to be from America, I have suggestions: one, pick a real city. Two, don't say "I live in a USA city." If you did, you wouldn't mention it. Third, we have these things called "conjunctions" and "prepositions" in English... they'll help.

So I've taken a few months off from dating/relationships/etcetera. I wasn't in a mental place where it'd be smart for me to connect with someone else. Anyone who liked me in that mind state was probably someone I wouldn't want to spend a long time with... But I believe I'm past it. So back into the mix, I suppose.

So, new job. Good times. Even if I do have to spend a couple weeks in Atlanta before working from home. Yeah motherfucker- I never even really dreamed of working from home, and it's just too sweet.

I've got an irrational hatred for random capitalization. Not even the H/he bullshit... but things like "I have Always enjoyed the looks of Some girls more Than others. sometimes I like to Go to the Movies." I feel like there's a code, and I just can't decipher it.

New greatest profile line ever: "I am now owned. I was a domme but he is so powerful that just messaging him made me his slave. Do not message me or he will make you his slave as well!" I corrected the spelling and capitalization issues, but the rest is verbatim. I'm tempted to message just to see how exactly someone on the other end of a computer is going to drastically change my orientation and personality... but I'm not quite that bored this morning.

I've been finding some hilarious profile lines lately... names withheld due to CM's draconian ToS... "My favorite food is MEAL. I love MEAL!" "I born in VIRGINIA AMERICA and always living here been. I early graduate college for ENGLISH." "I don't discriminate against anyone for any reason. Christians only." In a profile marked "Willing to Relocate"... "I will never move out of my parents house." This is how I'm killing time right now.

Just so everyone knows... I can teach you the secret magic handshake that means you're a real and true Master/slave/Goddess/Uberwench/whatever you want to call yourself. I can also help you give your one bedroom apartment a cool name so you can identify yourself as "Master of the Black Rose Manor" or whatever you'd like. And it's cheap- just nine easy payments of 29.99!

So, I know I've mentioned this before, but it's important to me- I'm an atheist. I not only do not believe in god (whatever definition you want to give), but I actively believe there is no supernatural being/activity/etcetera. Therefore, if you believe in something and consider it important to you... please, move along.

It looks like my time in Portland is coming to an end... right now, the likely next stop is NYU, at least during the week. What was supposed to be six months in Portland has somehow morphed into eighteen, and in a small way I'll miss this place when I'm gone. Being home more is never a bad thing, though.

Things I never thought I'd have to say, part eight billion and seven: If you've had a child that is biologically both your child and sibling, or feel some reason to lie and say you have... in other words, if you want to tell me you had consensual sex with your biological father... just don't. Peddle your crazy somewhere else- I'm all stocked up here.

Updated my profile a little... minor tweaks, really. It looks like 2008 might be the first year of my adult life where I've spent every single day of it single... it hasn't been a bad experience, really, but things admittedly get a little lonely. I thought I'd met someone fantastic recently, with the same vanilla and non interests as I have... but she no-showed the second date and I haven't heard from her in days, so I'm guessing that's a no-go. C'est la vie. Hope everyone had a happy 2008, and that things are even better in the new year.

There's little funnier to me than watching people drive in the snow... particularly here in Portland. Really, people- it's half an inch. It's not going to hurt you. And that gigantic SUV you've got with four wheel drive? Why do you have that if you're STILL going to drive six miles an hour if the weather isn't perfect? I miss Madison, where a couple feet of snow means things will be slow for two, three hours. As opposed to here, where barely any snow led to a week where no one showed up at work and that was apparently ok.

Can we institute a rule that if you look like Joe Torre with tits you're not allowed to put "sexy," "beautiful," "hot," or any variation thereof in your profile name? Thanks!

Goddamn but I do love the forums. There's been a recent spike in a thread about how apparently, one misplaced shot to the kidneys will kill not only the person who gets hit but their family and everyone they've ever met... At least that's the take away I got. But my favorite line was someone who said that their self-defense teacher told them never to hit someone in the kidneys because it's too dangerous. "Too dangerous" is not a term a self-respecting self-defense teacher should ever use when referring to attacking someone else. Is it safe to whale on the kidneys? No. Is one misplaced shot going to kill someone/cause severe problems/cause any ill effects? Very likely not... and yes, very likely is usually good enough for me when it comes to safety. After all, it's only "very likely" that I'll survive my daily commute.

Sometimes reading the forums is the perfect thing to snap you out of a funk... try it sometimes. It's like people are trying to give secret coordinates to an alien race with the spelling, grammar, etcetera. It's the most amazing thing, the level of horrific is off the charts. Even if you ignore the inane content and just focus on the unique spelling and grammar choices. My favorite is the random approach to capitalization some people take. I see the idea behind capitalizing "My" if you're insecure enough that it makes you feel special, but I've seen sentences where the first word isn't capitalized but a dozen other words are... for instance, it could look like this "the Friend of mine Named mary went to the Store and Bought some Soda drinking Water." I understand English isn't everybodies first language... and some people just aren't good spellers, etcetera... but for fuck's sake, isn't most of this stuff learned by third grade or so? Call me an old fogey today, I suppose.

I just read the greatest thing I've read today... (paraphrased)"I'm only interest in black doms because my psychic says that I will only find happiness with someone dark skinned." People still go to psychics? And more importantly, people still BELIEVE in psychics? Really?

I used to post on the CM forums pretty regularly. I don't so much anymore... mainly because I disagree with some of the rules. What bugs me more is when people say the rules suck and shouldn't exist because of freedom of speech... which is stupid. The rules do suck. But it's a private entity creating them- not the US government- so freedom of speech isn't the issue. It's their playground, and their rules. My options are to play by them, or to stay away. Since I have an innate inability to avoid a topic once it's been marked as forbidden... well, it would be just a matter of time before referring to someone as an asshole or a comment that was slightly-off topic would get me banned. Not that anyone cares I've left, but I thought I'd write it anyway.

New picture, since the main one on my profile was taken in 2002. I think I look essentially the same...

Complaint of the moment- profiles that state they're not interested in fat (always stated euphemistically) people because they could never "respect someone who doesn't respect themselves." Look, I'm not attracted to fat people either... as hypocritical as that might seem. But being fat doesn't mean you don't respect yourself. I have the utmost respect for myself- it's possible I'm actually the only person I respect unconditionally- and I'm fat. I'm also healthy... perfect BP, perfect bloodsugar, all that jazz. So feel free to be unattracted to me because of the fat... or because I'm an arrogant fuck... or any other reason... but don't try to turn your preference into my deficiency. Thus endeth the rant.

Long time no update, huh? I've been working excessively, and that's going well. To the point that I'm pretty sure I'm about to be offered a permanent position, which I will gleefully turn down... but it's nice for the offer. I'm debating whether a job that requires almost constant travel (meaning commitments are virtually impossible) is the best idea I've ever had or the worst. That's about all I'm doing right now. Still single, mainly because the dates I've had here in Portland have been with... well, incompatible girls is probably the most polite way to put it. A more accurate way would be to say, in order,? clingy, religious nut, religious nut, religious nut, and moron. But religious nut number three was at least a good time.

I hate being right sometimes. Before the season started, I put the Pats at 18-1. Of course, I thought the "and one" would come sometime in November or December, in a meaningless game. I didn't expect it to come in the only game that really matters. But the Giants came to play, and they busted their asses, and they won the game. Credit where credit's due, and all that. Thankfully March, and the Madness that comes with it, is almost here to rinse the sour taste from my mouth.

Things that amuse me to no end- constant debates over what a "true" dominant is, or what a "true" submissive is, or the difference between a "true" slave and someone pretending. To me, using the word "true" in this way is a quick way to get me to ignore what you're saying for anything other than amusement purposes. It's eerily similar to saying "According to the bible" in that I take it as code for "Disregard following message."

I was curious as to whether or not eHarmony would reject me. They did years ago, but hey, I've matured, changed, etcetera... might as well check again. Apparently, by their criteria, I'm still unlovable. It's hard to describe how much I'm giggling right now.

And we put another baseball season to bed. The Sox take home the trophy, and it's time to worry about the Pats and whether or not they can continue destroying opponents week in, week out for eleven more games.

Win or go home. It doesn't get much more exciting than this.

Red Sox are down 3-1. Usually, this is a sad time, since 3-1 is a pretty huge deficit in a seven game series... But I remember 2004. I remember that magical fall with Big Papi and Manny taking the team to a whole new level, Schilling battling with a surgically mashed-together ankle, and every other fantastic moment of that series. So I'll remain faithful. I'll continue to wear my Red Sox hat, and I'll keep watching the games with the steadfast belief that they're going to pull it out. Just like I did then.

I'm in sports overload mode... Red Sox in the ALCS, Patriots 6-0 and rolling, Celtics kicking the season off soon, college basketball just had midnight madness, Redskins look like they can contend in a weakened NFC, the Rockies making the postseason interesting... I love October so, so, SO much.

There is nothing in sports greater than a walk-off homerun in the post-season. Go Sox.

One of my friends says this poem is more appropriate for subs than doms... personally, I've always found it to be more human than D/s. The capitalization and structure are the author's, and I've left them as he had them. And This, Too, Shall Pass Away by J.D. Deutschendorf there are days / i feel i am / far too familiar / with simply existing / and too much a stranger to life. / and there are nights / i wake and / cannot wait / another minute for the day. / then there are times / it seems this road / i'm on goes / on and on forever; / never ends . . . / never ends . . . / but though the journey / continues as if here it were everlasting - / walking with my head bowed low, / i know better. /

Just so you know... I'm not interested in an online only relationship. Frankly, I prefer to move from online to phone relatively quickly, and I don't want to wait six months to meet someone face-to-face. That only applies to relationships, though... friendship is fine in any medium.

Mike's Friendly Advice, Part One: If you list "Dominant Men" under what you're actively seeking, then you are likely to get emails from dom guys. Yes, it'd be fantastic if they read your profile, but many don't. If you remove "Dominant Men" from that list, you won't show up in their searches, and hence, will not receive emails from them. Part Two: If you are THAT upset about receiving emails, and are only here for the forums, it's possible to deactivate your profile. You can send emails, and post to the forums, with your profile deactivated.

So I just got an email from someone, and from their profile, I don't think it'd be possible for me to be less interested in them. Under "You should message me if..." she has: a) you're over 30 b) you have had sex with less than 10 people c) you don't listen to generic radio crap d) your hair is longer than 1 inch long A) Not for five years. B) Considering for most of the last two years I was dating the same person, and we were essentially monogamous... yes, over the last two years I've had sex with less than ten people. If you go to three years, though... let's just say no to that one. C) Fuck your pretentious bullshit. Popular does not automatically map to bad. D) I hate how long my hair is... and it's not even half an inch right now. All it's missing is a requirement that I put some form of god ahead of myself to be the perfect non-match.

Email problems continue- if you email me and don't hear back within 48 hours, then I didn't get it... even if the servers insist I read it. :)

It's been a long, dark spring and summer without you. It seems like nothing's right when you're not around. I know it's been eight months, but some days I woke up and could have sworn you were waiting for me. But today you came back. Sure, we had a teasing thing Thursday night. It was great, but it wasn't as fulfilling as it could have been. Today you came back for real. And I couldn't be happier. Football... has returned.

I'm having email troubles lately... if you send me an email and it hasn't been read within 24 hours, the odds are extremely good it never got to me. I have no idea why this is happening, since my filters are completely off, but please don't take it as an indication that I'm ignoring you.

Random pet peeves, semantics related: modifiers in front of "unique." You can't be "very" unique, or "one of the most" unique.?

Dibbed. :) Just so you know, I'm pretty interested in this one girl... so I'm not actively looking right now. I know, heartbreaking to my legions of fans (fan?)... but them's the breaks. (UPDATE- This is no longer true. See profile section about deception for the reason why.)

Fred Phelps protesting Jerry Falwell's funeral... I don't have the words to describe how happy this makes me. One intolerant miserable fuck bitching about another... seems about right.

I was slow to come on board to the Spiderman films- I hadn't seen any of them until December of last year, and I wasn't exactly "blown away" by the movies... they were good, but not enough to justify the way my friends blathered on about them. Anyway, today I went to see the third one... on an IMAX screen... and wow. Good flick, a great way to spend a few hours. I might be a film snob at times, but I can sit back and enjoy big-budget eye-candy too.

I just finished reading The Fountainhead again. My high school English teacher and my ex-fiance both agreed that I could be the living personification of Howard Roark. I still haven't decided if that's a good or bad thing.

Email fun- someone wrote me tonight to inform me that by being an atheist I worship the devil. The logic (or lack of) behind that is staggering. For the record, I believe there is no God/god/goddess, no witchcraft, no psychics, no telekinetic ability, no elves, no dragons, no ghosts, no... well, if it's something that'd look at home in a Tolkien novel or on the X Files, I believe it doesn't exist. Although I can get behind LaVay satanists- no belief in god or devils, a worship of pleasure. Anyway, if you're planning on writing to tell me I'm going to Hell, please assume I've heard the argument and I've politely thanked you for your time.

Kiss me, I'm (part) Irish. Happy Saint Patrick's day.

Happy birthday to me.

Twenty-five. A quarter of a century... and the first birthday I've spent single since I was fifteen... a full decade. It's a little bit overwhelming, in some ways.

I think I have a new "most amusing thing." Profiles where someone writes "Under the protection of Lord God Master King XXX, write him not me OR ELSE!" What's the "or else?" Blocking my profile? Sending childish insults? Or will I lose my membership in the International Order of Bad Ass Dominant's (IOBAD)? Some people's children, I swear.

The most amusing thing about this site to me? The quick-collar. You know what I mean- a new profile shows up, created within the last 24 hours... and 24 hours later it's been modified to read they've been collared by WhateverNick (seems to always be Lord Master something or other). The record has to be someone from last week- profile went up between six AM when I got online to check mail and eight AM when I left for work. When I came home for lunch, around noon, she was collared. This got me thinking... what line do these guys have? The secret must be well guarded... Or maybe I'm easily amused.

For the record, I'm not a Christian. I'm an atheist, and I'm not going to hide that or prance around it. It's not that I don't believe in a god, it's that I believe there is no god. That said, I respect all religious preferences. As long as you're not trying to push it on me, and don't mind spirited discussion from time to time.

Happy New Year, everyone. On an unrelated note, I'm leaving on a vacation for about a week, so if you send me a message and it doesn't get a prompt reply, that's probably why.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

So I was supposed to meet someone from CollarMe tonight for drinks. We'd been scheduled another day, but she cancelled at the last minute... just like tonight. I don't mind when things don't work out- but I do despise people who say "It wasn't my fault" like it changes anything. It might not be your fault, but the end result is the same. Once I can forgive, even twice if there's some remorse... but tonight's "Well, I could have just not shown up" was a step over the line. It's unfortunate, because she was pretty awesome, aside from the completely unreliable aspect.

Sometimes, you get an unexpected lift when you're down. And sometimes you get a shot in the teeth when you're up. They tend to even out, I think.

Things that piss me off, part one of an infinite series: I was talking to a female friend last night, and she was complaining about some guy who she had been chatting with for less than two minutes who demanded to be called "Sir" to indicate respect. Uhmmm... novel idea, guys. Do something to EARN respect, and you will be GIVEN respect. Personally, I'm a little leery of any sub who answers initial greetings with "Hello Sir." I believe in politeness... to a painful degree, sometimes, but demanding respect is a sure-fire way to lose mine. Plus, you're giving us all a bad image. And I, for one, am sick of paying for the immature, self-righteous, egotistical fucks who pollute our little pond. (N.B.: I realize there are a lot of other good guys out there- this was not meant as an "I rock, everyone else sucks" style rant. Thank you.)

There are two words that will instantly make me quit paying attention. Those words are: American Idol. I'm not saying I won't consider someone who watches... but you better be able to discuss something OTHER than whatever is going on on the show. The same goes for any other show that's about manufacturing a ten-second clip that will make me want to rip out someone's eyes and use them as Bocci balls.

If you're looking for someone to relocate, it's not going to be me anymore. I've finally settled down in Mad-City, and it's the only place I can imagine living for the foreseeable future. Still, though, I'm willing to drive a hundred miles or so for a relationship- done it before.

Just so you know... I have a dog. I love my baby boy, and any relationship you have with me will probably involve him at some point (not that way... mind out of the gutter!). So if you really dislike dogs, you might want to move along. The picture on this profile is a few years old... I haven't changed it because I look the same- hair's just a touch shorter, goatee is a little more trimmed, but not that many changes.

Male Submissive, 27, Asehville, North Carolina

Female Submissive, 39, San Antonio, Texas

Male Dominant, 36, NE Atlanta, Georgia

Male Dominant, 44, northern bay area, California

Male Switch, 36, jeffersonville, Indiana

Male Submissive, 32, Las Vegas, Nevada

Male Dominant, 43, Auckland travelsW

Male Submissive, 30, Seattle, Washington

Male Submissive, 30, Mobile, Alabama

Male Dominant, 55, West Palm, Florida

Male Dominant, 52, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Male Switch, 47, North Mississippi, Mississippi