Hotel Donovan is now closed. Period. I have been truly blessed in my life with people who extended a hand and helped me when I was down. Because of that, I have always tried my best to help those in need when I could....hell, even when I really couldn't afford to, I did. Pay it forward...that was my theory. Over the past few years I gave a kid a home and got thru high school when no one wanted her, gave another friend a free place to live, and food, for a year, and countless others places to crash. I'm not asking for accolades, I did it because others had helped me. I tried to help anyone who wanted to help themselves. But Donna is tired of being the "stop off" point...I'm done. Truly. If there was ever a doubt of how selfish I can be, trust when I say there will be no doubt anymore.

"Your relationships with others are always a direct reflection of the relationship you have with yourself." -- Michael Thomas Sunnarborg

That says it all. The relationship I have had with others, be it romantic or otherwise, has always been dysfunctional, to say the least. I find myself in the position of enabler or caretaker, because quite honestly, I like to feel needed/useful. It's an ego thing...that I will admit. And that is exactly the relationship I have had with myself....I enable myself to continue on in a maladaptive way. (A term most of us addicts should know well) Part of recovery (even for those of us past the 20 year mark) is learning how to recognize those "maladaptive" behavior patterns and change them. Part of that change, for me, is learning how to let go of my ego and start valuing this life I was given, not once but twice.

And so the journey continues...... :-)

This is one of those mornings where I find myself counting the blessings in my life and being ever so grateful to still be above ground. It is a cold dreary morning, the roads are filled with slush up to our knees, and I am relaxing on my bed with a nice cup of coffee, Lucifer and Ryker at my feet. Both of my children are coming into their own and finding their way in this world, I have found myself surrounded by so many who inspire me in ways I never imagined, and finally am able to appreciate and enjoy the direction this journey is heading in.

This morning is one of those times where I find myself drinking my coffee in silence and reflecting. Some around me were shocked by the break up of Paul and I, others (those who paid attention) were not. Paul and I were two very different people, and while that can sometimes add to a relationship, when there are very fundamental core differences it can be destructive. When there is not truth, loyalty and honor...key values..there is nothing. Mind you, I am referring to this on both are parts. As dishonest as Paul was to me in many regards, I was just as dishonest with myself. And to him, by allowing the charade to continue. When I had the heart attack, I was at home alone. Facing death by myself scared the living shit out of me. I reached out and grabbed on to the first thing I could to ensure that would not happen again. What I didn't realize then, and have come to understand thru the last year of much journeying and understanding, is that I am NEVER alone. Not truly. By seeking to fill a void with something outside myself that can only be filled BY myself, was not honest to Paul or me. I allowed myself to hang onto to that illusion for pure selfish reasons, and that was not honorable in any sense of the word. These are my early morning reflections...learning to practice what I preach in EVERY aspect of my life.

It has become very evident to me that I need to procure a submissive with a foot fetish...one who will pamper and massage my aching feet.  :-)  Or a subby who is a skilled massage therapist, with no need for reciprocation or desire for sex.  lol  Just need a back and foot rub, damn it!  lol

I like to re-circulate this. Now is the time to prepare inwardly for the changes to come. "What is planting a seed? It’s the simple act of setting something into motion that will help you create the life you want to lead. It’s taking a moment of sorrow and realizing that you can use it to fuel you"--TinyBuddha What seeds are you planting? Blessed Imbolc, mo charas! 

A Poem For Imbolc

So the skies rumbled and the snows came, 

And everywhere down through the centuries of this gray night,

Came women gathering to pray,

And to sink their hands into the dark earth

They gathered seeds and prepared them for planting,

They meditated in the icy darkness,

And they celebrated the lambing of the first ewe,

To hasten spring

And when through the earth they felt the stirring,

They sang songs encouraging the tiny seeds to grow.

In the dark, wet soil you can smell their work still;

They are digging along beside us. Listen!

The north wind carries their song across the snow,

This Imbolc night

As the Earth prepares for spring

Wise women gather in circles to await the promise of new life,

And to sing praises for the green earth.

And so do we here now

This year, and every year

---- author unknown

It is unrealistic to expect a person that does not truly understand the concept of love, or at least your concept of love, to act in any other way than they know how. It is equally unrealistic to expect the same from someone who does not truly understand the concept of friendship, or at least your concept of it. I find that I have been much to unrealistic in my expectations of those who have been in my life. Something I need to work on.

Now that I am single again (perhaps I should change the screen name, it seems to be prophetic lol) I can look back and reflect on a few things.

The other day I received a phone call from my mother. She is not doing very well; her heart is in pretty bad shape. We find out tomorrow from the cardiologist what the game plan for treatment is. When I received that call, it absolutely took me to my knees. I love this woman with all my heart. And even though I deal with death and the dying every day, and even counsel those facing that next step on their journey and the loved ones left behind....I am not ready to practice what I preach.

That said, you would have thought my first reaction would have been, "gee, I wish Paul were here for me to lean on". Nope. My first thought was, "Oh, thank the gods, that is one less headache I have to deal with." That speaks volumes as to the state of our relationship the last 6 months. 

When we met, I was very happy living my single life. I had just survived my heart attack and was so happy just to be above ground, whether I was single or not. He was/is a very nice guy, truly, and at that time I suppose I was happy to have someone who didn't push things with me and let me be who/what ever I wanted. The only problem was he was "too nice"...well, let me re-phrase that: he was so laid back and easy-going, that he had absolutely no drive of his own. As much as I love being in charge, most of the time, it gets tiring always being the one doing the driving. It's like going cross-country on a trip...every now and then you need someone to take the wheel so you can stretch out your legs.

After a time I became very resentful and bitter and just plain mean. Not something I am proud of, but it is what it is. So the lesson here is I need to either be with one who is truly an equal, or just be alone. I don't need a bad boy (had enough of those in my time, and that grows weary), I don't need some pushover...I need someone who can stand on their own two feet and tell me, "Look, that may work for you, but I'm not doing that" or whatever. I need someone who can take care of their own issues and not add drama and headache to my own.

For now, I am content to just keep living my life and following the plans I have laid out. I will be moving to the Huntington area in the next couple of months, finishing up my degree and moving on to my Masters, and working enough to be able to enjoy the things in this life that feed my soul.

Wow..what an emotional roller coaster. My "niece" who has been with me the past two years graduated from high school yesterday. No, she is not blood related, but a foster kid I knew for years who had no where to go when her foster mom threw her and her brother out two years ago. Anyways, she came to live with me. For the last two years I have taken care of this kid, nursed her when she was sick, helped with her homework, helped plan her future, watched her grow into a beautiful young woman. Her "mother", who hasnt even had custody of her since she was 9 due to crack, shows up last night, AFTER she had already walked and got her diploma, acting like the proud mama and strutting like some fucking peacock. Do you think she even once said "thank you" to me? Look, I have never done any of this for the accolades...Tete crossing that stage last night was all the thanks I needed. I know how thankful she is, and how much she loves me...but for that crack whore to swoop in and act like the loving parent....well, I just wanted to dot the bitch in the eye. Did I? No. I stayed quiet, I smiled and took pictures. I stayed classy...as hard as it was. A few hours later, when the train wreck had headed back to the Cleveland ghetto she belongs in, my niece came home and found me laying on the couch. She said nothing but "Thank you" when she hugged me and handed me her diploma. Now THAT is accolades.

So this morning I am full of emotions...not unusual lately...thinking that my baby spawn is, as of today, a senior, and will be graduating next year. After that, my days of having teens in this house are over. I will be alone...and free to wander off into the sunset. lol Now if I could just figure out where I want to see that sun set, I'll be good. lol

"Are you interested in me?" This is the email I get...mind you from someone who only has a pic on their profile and the description that says "I wanna fuck". Really? How the hell would I know if I'm interested in you? We have never met, I know nothing about you, add to that you are over an hour away. Oh but wait, that's right...you think you are just so fucking sexy that you just have to look in the camera with (what you think) is a seductive look and type "I wanna fuck" and I am going to see that and just melt. Jebus H Christ, people, get a grip already. That had better be one awesome pic..which is wasn't..to sweep me off my feet, considering the English language apparently eludes you.

So my response was..."Based on the fact that I have seen this one pic of you and only read I wanna fuck, add to that you live over an hour away, I am going to have to say no. No, I am not interested in you. Perhaps you should read peoples profiles before you ask such idiotic questions." And I attached my profile. And now we wait....we wait for the email that says "You're such a bitch" to come back...it always does. To which I shall reply, "And you're an asshat..have a good day."

So Im doing this lil personal growth homework assignment on loyalty...more specifically one of the Celtic virtues view of loyalty. In doing this project I fid myself questioning more & more if any of us truly understands the concept of what it means to be loyal. The more you study these virtues, the more you find them lacking in those around you.

I was asked if I find this lacking in myself. I think we tend to confuse selfishness with loyalty when it comes to ourselves. Being loyal to ones own self is truly not selfish, it is a matter of self-respect. "To thine own self be true" may seem trite, but its about as simple as one can put it. Though as simple as that philosophy may seem, it is probaly one of the more difficult.

So my answer would be yes, at times I have found it lacking.

Well, life has been interesting the last few months, to say the least. Besides the normal routine of going to school, raising teenagers, and working..I have watched my friend's daughter start life over again with a new set of lungs, watched another friend leave this life, and met alot of very interesting people along the way. The past couple of months have been a time of introspection and self-growth. Not always a very pleasant process, but most definitely one that was needed. Watching my friend die was truly a wake up call for me...really put my life and what is important into perspective. I've said this before, but I shall reiterate.I am not looking for a fuck buddy. If all I want is to get laid, I certainly do not have to come on here to do so. I'm at the point in my life where I need some consistency..someone that I actually enjoy being with in AND out of the bedroom. That being said...if consistent, casual sex is all you are after..well, then we can discuss a sugar daddy arrangement. Other than that...have something more to bring to the table besides your cock.

As of right now, I am single again.  Ahhhh....well, life happens and we move on, yeah?  That however, does not change the situation I seek at this time.  Quite bluntly, the only arrangement I am interested in is a sugar daddy arrangement.  Now, that being said...in said arrangement I have no problem playing top for you.   I have found there to be an enormous amount of, let's call them men, who choose to be dominated and/or humiliated etc.. by a female.  And for some reason I attract them like a magnet.  OK..we'll run with this.

If you are such a "man", who wishes to have me humiliate you, degrade you, make you perform various activities that most would find disgusting....I have absolutely no problem. And trust me when I say, the disugust I would show you during such activities would be genuine, as weak men tend to make my stomach turn.  Humiliating and degrading such a person comes as naturally to me as say, breathing.  I do have a sadistic streak that I try to keep in check.  And as for flogging and such, at this point my anger is not where I could really control myself enough to maintain safety....sorry.  That and the fact that I do not have enough experience to attempt to do so on my own. 

So for those of you who keep messaging and viewing...the ones who want to be made into the nasty lil pigs they are..feel free..I'll gladly help you along.  But my first requirement stands...sugar daddy, or whatever you choose to call it...first...lol 

Yes, the last two years has made me just a bit more self aware.  Could Donna BE any more selfish?  Why yes, yes she can.

This Thursday....

Let me start this by saying, Yes...I celebrate St Patrick's Day.  Not as the religious celebration it once was, but as a celebration of my heritage.  Around this time of year you can find all kinds of seperate views in the pagan community, especially within those of, or consider themselves of, Celtic descent.  And every year I find myself becoming more and more annoyed with these people.  AND AGAIN..I will reply to those by saying it has now become a day to celebrate being Irish (even those only Irish for the day) but if you want to get all "I'm a Pagan and how dare you celebrate a day named after the guy who drove "the snakes" out of Ireland...get a f'n grip.  First, it's the day of his death...so be morbid and celebrate that if you will.  But in all honesty..Patrick loved the Irish people..which is why he came back to Ireland after escaping from captivity to share with them what he thought was they're salvation.  Grant you, IMHO he was very much misguided, but the intent was with love.  The Catholic Church actually wanted to excommunicate him because he did not go around endorsing the killing of those who didn't immediately convert to their thinking.  He actually became friends with, and worked with Druids and the Irish people to do the conversion peacefully.  Sorry, call me a bad pagan, but Patrick was a good guy.  As was Jesus and Ghandi and Mother Theresa.  So no, I will not act the fool and refuse to celebrate my heritage because some tree-hugging, love and light pagan wants to spout of their own hateful rhetoric.  OK  Off the soapbox for now. lol  Sorry.  I just get so damned tired of hearing it year after year. 

As  to my menu for Thursday, for any of you who care to come by and partake....I shall be serving Colcannon Potatoes, which is boiled potatoes, cabbage and bacon. (veggie bacon to be precise)  Corned beef and cabbage is the traditional meal enjoyed by many on St. Patrick's Day, but only half of it is truly Irish. Cabbage has long been a staple of the Irish diet, but it was traditionally served with Irish bacon, not corned beef. The corned beef was substituted for bacon by Irish immigrants to the Americas around the turn of the century who could not afford the real thing. They learned about the cheaper alternative from their Jewish neighbors.  I'll be making some pork chops, homemade soda bread and stocking up on Guiness.  And yes, John (my son) I shall even have a bottle of Jamesons..will do a shot in your honor!

So, however you decide to celebrate, or not, St Patrick's Day,and for whatever reason....Tabhair dom an rud céanna mar atá ag an fhear ar an t-úrlar! (Give me the same as the man on the floor!)

Food for Thought

"One day, while strolling in the park, I happened upon a fellow eating an early lunch. Greeting him, he asked if I'd like to share the picnic table with him. Sitting down, i looked at his meal of two sandwiches one being pulled pork and another being a cheeseburger. The topic fell to religion and faith. "I'm an Hasidic Jew" the crew cut man told me while polishing off the pork sandwich. "Really?" "Indeed, it is a wonderful faith that I firmly believe in" he proclaimed. "But where are your side locks?" I asked as he began his cheeseburger. "Oh, I don't need them". "Wasn't that a pulled pork sandwich you ate and aren't you eating a cheeseburger?" "Yup" came the reply. "I'm no authority, but don't Jews avoid pork and isn't meat and cheese to be avoided because "you must not boil a kid in it's mother's milk?" His congenial face clouded, " Listen, if you're going to question what I do, just leave". So, rising, I took my leave of him.

Shortly, I came upon a young lady sitting on the ground. " May I join you?" I asked. "By all means. Hope you do not mind, I'm meditating. I'm a Zen Buddhist". I sat for a time and shortly, she began to stir. First, on rising, she strolled to a nearby ant hill and demolished it with her foot. "Why did you do that?" I asked. "The vile things interrupted my meditation". Then she bent, picked up some rounded stones and begin flinging them at the geese nearby. "Why are you doing that?" I asked once more. "Their vile honking prevented me from concentrating". "Don't Buddhist, particularly Zen, value all living things and profess nonviolence as a way of life?" "Listen, if you are going to question what I do and what I am, just leave me be" she said with her voice edged in irritation. So, rising, I left.

Continuing my stroll and pondering those I encountered, I happened upon a man on a bench reading the Bible. "May I sit?" I queried. "By all means, the bench is for both of us." His smile looked so sincere and joyous, I was moved to sit and take up conversation with him. He extolled his virtuous faith and the blessings it had brought him. In short time, the topic came to people of the opposite sex. His face became lewd and he spoke of the quasi-sexual encounters he had. " But aren't you a Christian?" I gasped. "Well, since there was no real penetration, it wasn't sex so I maintain my virginity". Scratching my head, I frowned and said I couldn't see that. His irritation begin to rise, " Do you question my honesty?" he began to scream. "How dare you?" Taken aback I asked, "Isn't it written that peace is a Christian's path?" "Fuck peace" he yelled, " I don't have to take this" and he leaped to his feet and angrily marched off leaving me both amazed and bewildered.

Rising, I continued my walk. I then came upon a girl drawing a circle in the earth. Stopping, I watched. She noted that I stopped. "I'm sorry, I'm a pagan and I am preparing a sacred spot." She said. "Do you mind if I watch?" asked I. "By no means, feel free. I have nothing to hide". She continued her preparations. " Our belief is earth based and we value honesty and honor". As she returned to her work, a cell phone buzzed from her bag, answering it she said " Yes, honey, it's going to be a bit longer aunt Jane has a few more chores for me to do." Hanging up, she explained that her husband did not know her faith and she had to deceive him. " Isn't that dishonest?" I asked. " Not when it protects my faith. I am being trained as a priestess and cannot be deterred." Bewildered I asked "So,it's all right to lie and deceive when it has to do with religion rather than being honorable and stating what you are?" " Listen, if you are going to bombard me with negativity, then go away." She briskly said. Shaking my head, I left the girl.

After a time, I came on a man with books spread before him on the picnic table. Looking up, he invited me to sit. I did so. "You are likely amazed at these books, but I'm not a learned man. I'm what you can call a seeker." "What's that?" I questioned. " Truth, life and all that there is.. where is it going, by what means and what abilities do people possess that are unseen." He began expounding on what he said. Our conversation ranged from the whimsical to the very deep. Heat rose and fell as each of us established point and counter point. Time flew and being late, I rose. he looked at me and smiled. " I am glad to have met you. We may not agree on everything, but you give me food for thought and cause me to examine myself, my actions and beliefs. That's good. We all need to do that". I heartily concurred and we exchanged telephone numbers that we may talk again.

The lesson I learned that day in the park was that many are not what they seem and a few are. It is actions and deeds that speak for us as to what we truly hold dear. When questioned, do we note: this is a fictionalized account for illustrative purposes. )"

Seriously?

Just felt compelled to blog after another brief discussion with someone. I know there are those who find my honesty a bit brutal at times. I may come across as arrogant, or condescending...really don't mean to offend anyone, honestly. I just find that life is way to short for games, and bullshit annoys me. So while, as my tagline suggests, I may be upfront about the factthat I am not seeking a relationship, or a "buddy" or pal..plainly put the only situation I seek is one that is mutually beneficial, and not just physically....while that may seem crass or rude or tacky to some..I really dont care; it's honest. So, lets touch on this "honesty" issue for a minute. And I am speaking to those of you on this site looking for a "good" girl, or your next wife or soul mate: GTFO!! Seriously? Do you really think that coming onto an adult SEX site is going to find your one true love? Really? You didn't come across this sites address by reading the church bulletin, or watching Lifetime movies, or volunteering at your local homeless shelter. You found it by either A) watching PORN, or you were on another adult SEX site. Come on, people...I am so sick to death of the innocent lines and crap. Hi! My name is so-and-so, and I would really like to get the chance to know you. Lets go have dinner and dancing, then I can take you back to meet the folks and fall in love. ANd for the ladies who want to be offended by what I say...get a reality check...you are on here to get laid..and NOT by your knight in shining armor. I find these kinds of comments, and judgements towards my approach, especially amusing coming from people who have pics of their cocks/pussys and/or videos of being screwed in all manners. OK Think I'm done venting for the moment. Oh, and if by chance I missed offending anyone, please let me know..it's still early in the week.

As alot of you know, my father passed away on June 18th.  My father and I had a very tumultous relationship--we were very close when I was younger, but after my parents divorced it changed.  He did get custody of me--thats another long story--but it was not a good relationship at all.  As I have gotten older, and had children of my own, I did work to build some sort of relationship. At the end--we had made peace with each other, or rather I made peace with everything.  He was not a very good person--but he was my father, and I loved him.  That being said--I made my father a promise that I would be at his service to show my respect as his eldest child should.  Appearances were everything to my father.  The most frequent phrase I heard growing up was, "Don't you dare embarass me"--which of course I did everything I could to do so.  :D   

I am the only child of my father's first marraige--and not welcomed at all by my stepmother.  I am the exact duplicate of my mother--always have been--which is most of the reason.  I left home at 17--and never looked back.  My youngest sister is only 6 months older then my son.  I haven't seen, nor spoken to either of my sisters in 23 years.  Dysfunctional to say the leat--lol.  I was actually called by my stepmother and told not to come to the service or I'd be removed.  Crappy, I know--but I went.

I left last Wednesday from Parkersburg, WV ( I had brought my daughter here to stay while I was gone--tranny went out in my car and I had to get a rental)--and I drove to Texas.  I drove all Wednesday night, stopping in Hurrican Mills, TN (home of Loretta Lynn) on Thursday morning.  I spent most of the day just laying in my room and trying to sort out all of the unresolved emotions towards my father--ones I thought I had come to terms with.  I drove out to Loretta's Dude Ranch--and walked around the property.  Spent most of the time crying--I swear I have cried more this week then I have all my life.  I left out Friday morning and got to my friend's lake house in Brownwood, TX that night.  Got up the next morning and drove two hours to the service.

Without going into every minute detail--let me just say that it took all the courage I had to walk in there--amidst all my stepmother's family--people who hate me completely--and not run away.  I walked right up to the altar and placed the only picture I have of me and my father (I was 5 and we were happy) right next to his urn.  The big photo display they had was of him and my sisters and step brother--and not one of me.  I turned around and went and sat towards the back of the chapel.  Her entire family had taken up the pews reserved for family.  Thats when I realized that not one single person from my father's family had come.  NOT ONE--except for me.  I was overcome by such sadness--for my father; enormous amount of pity that any person could leave this world and NO ONE from their family would be there.  I thought of all the wasted years, all the times lost---the only grandchildren he ever had were my two children, and they didn't even know him.  I sat there, by myself, ignoring the whispers passing around "She's here.  Donna Jean came. Can you believe she came?  Why isn't she with the family?  Look at them--how horrible--they're completely ignoring her."  I kept my head up the entire time.  Even thru my tears--I kept my dignity--I didn't even acknowledge the situation.  I wasn't there for them.  I was there for my daddy--the one who coached me in baseball and basketball, who took me on road trips across the country and made stops at places like Loretta Lynn's Dude Ranch, the one who taught me to ski when we lived in Germany, the daddy who took my fishing on the Concho River---long before all the bad stuff.  I showed them that class is bred not bought.  And I felt so utterly alone. 

When the service was over, I made my way to the front and said goodbye to my daddy--placing the rosary I had brought for him on his urn.  I took my picture, spoke with some people from his work and left.  I drove non-stop 5 hours to Big Lake, TX--crying the entire way.  On that drive it finally hit me how truly alone I am. 

I got to Big Lake at about 4:30--and of course the ENTIRE town was at the park--it was the annual Goat and Chili Cook-off.  It was good to be home, surrounded by friends who truly care about me-and what better way to grieve then Budlight and brisket.  But even surrounded by all these people who are my friends--I felt alone.  I spent the next few days visiting people, speaking with lawyers, and seeing my former residents at the nursing home I worked at.

At the Care Center is a former patient of mine--she is 99 yrs old and Cajun--came to us after Hurricane Katrina.  At 99 dementia has set in--but she has always had "the sight"--and will pop off with reflections and predictions that are uncanny.  She recognized me instantly--that brought tears to my eyes.  "Ma petite cherie, stop running from love.", is the first thing she says to me.  What?  lol  Everyone is standing around and asking what she is talking about.  " Mama, I am fine" I tell her.  "Non, non--you are not fine, cherie--you are so sad and lonely.  And scared.  Stop being so scared."  When asked why she is saying these things to me--they think she is blabbering--she says "I know how you live your life, cherie--you think you are strong, that you don't need love--but you do.  More then ever."  I was floored.  *Note to self--stay away from 99 yr old Cajun women*  She began to ramble on about crawfish and such after that--and speaking in french to the empty chair next to her.  But what she said shook me to the core.  She's the third person this month to tell me I am sad. 

Now most of you who know me know that I am not a "sad" person to be around.  At least I try not to be.  And I am the biggest advocate of "singlehood" if there ever was one.  I am the ultimate "unicorn".  lol  I value every bit of my freedom.  But this week has really made me look at what price I pay for that freedom.