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shellsonus

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Friends:
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I am a poly, bi-polar, switch, pan-sexual, FAT, lovely lady who is dreaming of the people who understand me and do not think I am a freak. I am seeking friends who can acknowledge their light and their dark. I prefer trans-gender persons but I celebrate love in any form. You do not have to be mine to have help finding your wings. I do not condone anything illegal. That includes drugs, burnt movies, speeding, and much more. No matter who I talk with must know they will never ever be first in my life. That priority is given to my son. I am proud to be a mom and do not wish to hide it. Second belongs to my wonderfully submissive husband. I do not share him. Ever. I am also deeply in love with a wonderful woman who has given me the honor of wearing my collar. I am well loved and therefore my romantic and sexual dance card, shall we say, is full. Message me if you want to find out more.

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10/17/2008 5:57:07 PM

*random writing*

Jaci was excited and nervous all at the same time.  She had been talking to Shelly for a while online and over the phone, but now they were going to meet.  Deep breathe girl.  She never would have thought anyone in this world could express love for HER.  She thought back to all of the years hiding who she was behind boys clothing, a mask born of birth instead of soul.  She may have a man’s body and the heart of a gentle lady.  No it had to be a mistake. Maybe Shelly had misread the profile.  All she knew is she was going to finally take the risk of letting someone in.  Someone who thrilled her. 

 

Shelly had great pictures on her profile.  Maybe they were fake?  She could really be some psycho guy trying to convert wayward Tgirls to follow the light.  Jaci almost turned around at the thought.  She was a true believer of God and His grace, and afraid of his followers.  Shelly had assured Jaci was not only safe but among a kindred spirit.  Another deep breathe and she steeled herself to try, to risk it all, in the hopes of finding a true love.

 

She smoothed down the red velvet dress that hugged her every curve.  She never did fit into boy clothes right.  The dress was stunning but not over the top or flashy.  She hoped Shelly would like it.  She so wanted to please her.  Of course Jaci had always been that way. She enjoyed it when someone else was in control and took care of her, willing to take the lead.  Some had called her submissive, although that didn’t quite fit.

 

The door, the last step before either a world of acceptance and love, or some unknown pain. What would she find?

 

 

 

 

***wrote this a few years back for a woman I still love.  thought I would share even my vanilla words***

Stopwatch

 

I wish I could give you a stopwatch
A special one
With this watch time stands still whenever we are apart
No one hurts you
No one lies to you
Nor cheats you out of that smile that melts away all my fears
With this watch I could know when I see you again
You will feel the same as the moment before
You wouldn’t love me any less
You wouldn’t forget my touch on your soft skin
Or replace me with those not worthy of even a glimpse of your blinding beauty
Even if with this watch I could just freeze my thoughts and feelings of you
In the center of your being
Never to doubt that at least one person sees your heart
Loves your body
And the joyfulness of your being
Until I can be a part of your every day
I would have you hold this watch to your heart when you wish I was near
Knowing that beside you is where I want to be
Ever since the day you came into my life
My senses have reeled with anticipation for the next time I could
Hear your voice
Smell your unique scent
Taste of your divine kisses
Feel your hair run through my fingers
Or see your radiance that even the stars above become jealous of
With every poet and minstrel struck dumb for words
With all of these things I would hide in your heart
I still feel I could continue till my last breathe
Yet I can say everything in my heart with just five simple words
YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED


10/4/2008 6:06:15 AM
***response to a complaint about the turning of the seasons from summers warmth to winters chill....enjoy***

But oh the fun the chill can bring! 

The pleasant sting of a chill wind against the bare skin.  How the rain can feel like  athousand needles pounding over and over again on skin made tender by a a night of hard pleasure.  As the body heats each forming scar to heal and the rain seeks to reopen.  How it cleanses, how it stings, how you never know when you will feel warmth again.  Knowing you are bringing pleasure to the one who hase sent you into thte elements with every shiver of your being, even though you can not see them. 

Sight. sound. We depend on these two senses too much in our daily interpretation of our world.  Deny them and see just how much more impactful smell, taste and the sensations of touch play out on your skin.

How long would you be made to wait?  What reward would you earn for this surender if any at all?  What did you do to deserve this?  Will the natural response of cold displease the one who sent you to be so vulnerable?

A thousand questions to ask and no one to answer.  Time looses its hold.  Your body becomes numb, all hope lost, just an acceptance of fate. 

All of a sudden the warmth of a hand on your skin. Searing hot in comparison to the near freezing rain. The touch held long enough to warm your skin and then removed with a maniacal giggle, barely audiable thru the ear plugs.  What is better, to have seen heaven and be denied it, or to have never have seen it at all? 

With your skin reawakened you are even more aware when all of a sudden you feel the instant sting of a flogger bite into the skin of your chest. enough to steal your breathe away. 

Without beign able to control it a hungry moan escapses your now dry throat.  Water water everywhere but form your captors lips do you wish to drink.  To know you have pleased them.  seeking to hear anything. 

There is nothing.  You feel the shifting of the weather from the rain of night to the slow rise of temperature to day.  The mornings warmth feeling like a freedom long denied. 

Did you sleep?  You go to test your bonds and find they are gone.  The only thing holding you in place now is your will.  Sitting bolt upright, you take off your blindfold and pull out the ear plugs.  Looking around you there seems to be somehting odd.  Littel squares of soemthing all around you.

You try to stand but your long frozen joints seem to rebel against you.  So, crawling it is then.  getting closer to  one prvoes that all around you are polaroids.  It seems as if every hour of the night was marked around you like a sundial with pictures of how your body was used, almost touched, extra ice water strained over you by at least 8 different people.  Not one mistress. Not one master but an exposition made up of your very personal moment.

And now you know the effect you had, for the pictures say more then any other thing could.

You are a slave to the rain.


9/29/2008 7:25:24 AM
***sorry for the wait.  Here is part one. No title yet.  Maybe some of my fans can send me what they think should happen next.  could make it an intereseting contest.  What could the winner win?....***

Cold. The floor was so cold against the heat of my skin. As I lay there in the bathroom, the one place I could go and not be bothered. Just be alone. Where I could at any time take a breath. I knew I had the apartment to myself. I didn’t have to hide. I could have been anywhere in my place but I chose the cool floor as I lay drying from a warm shower.

What would it be like to be caught this way. For someone to walk in and see my open bathroom door and me laying there naked on the floor? What if…..I grabbed the role of toilet paper and started to twist it into a “rope.” I bound my feet loosely together and then tucked my feet under me. I bound one wrist to the other behind my back. I then hooked my feet behind my wrists binding, becoming nothing but an open torso. Exposed . Would my imaginary visitor be my hero saving me from being captive, or be the one who held me against my will? It was silly. Why was I doing this?

My pulse raced as I felt the illusion of bindings. I knew I could rip out of it at any time. Could I honestly admit that the feeling of being out of control thrilled me? I imagined I could hear my front door open, the way the top hinge squeaks. I really need to fix that. Wait a minute that wasn’t just my imagination.

I remembered I had told Sarkos I would be free tonight. He had said he was busy pulling in some overtime and wouldn’t be able to see me at all till tomorrow. As he walked in, still wearing his name badge, he was laughing his playful laugh. “Surprise Star! I decided to cut off early after all and….” He stopped dead in his tracks as the image of me. Dropping his key to my place as the color drained form his face. I could just imagine what his point of view looked like. Seeing my arched over my legs with only a view of white showing under my ass, and the trail of the paper roll as it had rolled away from me in my thoughts. I knew I was wet enough form my thoughts that he could see me glistening from where he had stopped.

I felt foolish. He had not ever even seen me naked before and now he saw me like this! He will think I am a freak and I will never get another lovely night of cuddling on the couch, or going hiking in the woods, innocent kisses and lovely flirtations. Falling asleep in his comfort. There was just no way to explain this away.

I started to pull my wrists to break my ties when he took a step forward and said stop. I was confused. Hwy did he say stop? I stopped. What else could I do. At least he took a step closer and not farther away. Maybe I could convince him I was doing a dare or something. Anything to try and not seem as foolish as I felt.

He took another step forward as he pulled his shirt off. He couldn’t take his eyes off of me. They were still filled with surprise but there was something else there as well. What could it be? I had never really seen him look at me that way before. He always made me feel like I was some angel a perfect innocent tender being. This look had nothing tender. This look seemed to be….desire? I must be wrong. I looked again and something must have shown on my face because at that moment he I could see him shiver, even though the room was still warm from my showers mist.

With his pants still on he kneeled in front of me placing one hand on either side of my waist careful not to touch me. Then in a lustful growl he said “you are beautiful.” He then lowered his chest to the warmth between my thighs and slid up my body. I could feel the trail of my wetness all down to his belt buckle as he stopped just as the metal connected with my most sensitive parts. It made me quiver form the delightful shock. A response he seemed to enjoy as it sent him to shake as well.

With his body over mine he slowly transferred the wait form him arms to having my body support him. My body ached at the discomfort of my hands and feet under me but at the same time the discomfort felt good


9/15/2008 7:53:52 AM
As he looked at me adoreingly, I could see a thousand hopes flash across his eyes.  He sees in me an angel.  A being of hope, love, faith.  He sees a savior from pain piled high over the years.  An end to a life unlived.

I can not tell him my desires.  This vanilla soul in front of me.  He softly brushes his lips against the tender skin of my wrist after guiding it close and all my thoughts reel with the request 'Oh God please let him bite me!'  But the moment passes and I am left with the wish.

If I stay in his life and try to honor all that I am, I will hurt him.  Do I try to change.  Do I push him away before too much of his heart is entertwined with mine. 

But then he looks at me.  he pulls me close into another innocent embrace as we sit closer together.  He starts to run his fingers thru my hair and accidently pulls.  I have to fight the desire to moan at this simple response to an inward ache.  He apologized.  I hid my face to hide all the thoughts and feelings.

He offered me his wrist.  It means so much more to me then it ever can to him.  I tried to kiss just as softly.  Just as innocently.  The urge to sink my teeth in, to tastehis flesh.  I feel like a vampire long with held from the blessed drink.  I pause just a hair short of my teeth connecting.  No I must not!

He does not know to offer his wrist is a sign of one desireing to be underneith me.  A sweet, willing request to surrender.  He can not know the thoughts of mixed pain and pleasure that haunts my every thought.  When he is saving even a simple kiss for when we have both found freedom from the promises of the past, how can I ever think of  what it would be, could be.

To be what he sees I must give up me.  To not be what he sees is to  loose a peice of comfort, joy, hope, calm.  Can a vanilla lover capture my heart.  This bards heart screams the song of deisre in chains.


9/15/2008 7:28:22 AM
~I guess I am going to end up using this profile of mine as a way to write the snippets that enter my thoughts.  If you have CONSTRUCTIVE critisism please do share-  shellsonus~

9/9/2008 8:12:44 PM

Just A Poem~shellsonus

Why you ask am I special
What makes me unique?
There are thousands out there like me
So I ask who exactly are you looking at?

My heart is big and pure
Ever seeking to know more
What defines love
What love does this heart truly desire
I know what it is to search and discover
I know the joy of looking up
Into the eyes of the one you serve
To see their joy at your service
The skip in my step when I know all their needs are met
And I had met them
To surrender control
To trust
To feel the marks left on the skin
Only the true marks exist much deeper
The thrill of pain as the passion from the other springs forth
The bitter taste of regret when you displease
The cleansing power of punishments
I know what it is to desire to serve

I known the joy at seeing one trust me
To be at my knee
Someone who desires whole heartedly
For me to take all control
And the overwhelming need of mine to have it
To strip away all freedoms other then the choice for them to serve
Willingly
The feel of their skin under my nails, between my teeth
The look of my marks lovingly given to their flesh
How they pet every bite, scratch, line from my tools
Feeling the sting to remember earning it
And how in doing so I desire oh so much to make more
Never fully healing
The joy that radiates from them as they serve me
In all the mundane daily ways one should
As well as the daily desires of the flesh
I know what it is to desire to lead, to own

In knowing both I can honor all
I can see the need of my match
I can see my needs fulfilled
I can know the true power of trust and surrender
I can respect the true gift of trust and surrender
I know what it is to understand

How far my passions go I am still uncertain
What joy have I yet to find in surrender
What new heights have I yet to see in control
Can I truly surrender when my heart calls to take
Can I fully take if my heart wants to surrender
In knowing both I may never truly be either
I know what it is to feel torn

Should I deny both
Just enjoy the simple touch
A vanilla love for this not so vanilla lover
Do I deny the call I hear and try a tamer hand
I know what it is to be denied to self

Should I search for them both
One love to fulfill my needs to feel control
Demand obedience
And another lover to soothe my ache
To find peace in chains
I know what it is to desire more

Don’t ask me how long I have been in lifestyle
I heard it better as love style which has always been

Don’t make me choose between one or more
I can not be true to my heart with the choice

Don’t ask for my forever
Unless you are willing to give me yours

Don’t ask me for something you do not truly want
I may want it

Don’t ask me to define who I am
For I am a multifaceted gem

Why you ask am I special
What makes me unique?
There are thousands out there like me
So I ask who exactly are you looking at?

 


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hotlovie
 
 Age: 22
 Canada