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A most wonderful Man found me on here and I have grown to love Him deeply. The prospect of a bright future with Him seems distant but its one I keep holding onto. He says everything will happen IN TIME. Maybe it will, maybe it won't but I hope it does. I need to learn patience and that is not something I have ever been any good at. |
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Okay latest news: A Master has found me who completes me more than anyone has since I came out real time. He controls my thoughts and my body and I no longer want to search or talk to other Masters. He has permitted me to talk to other female submissives and frowns upon my talking to males in any way, shape, or form. We have no plans to go full time yet although I burn for his touch. He likes me that way. He sees in me the slave that other Masters have laughed at and is sure he can bring the true slave back out in me. I am more than willing to let him do this. Its what I have wanted since 1999. I just hope he doesn't wait too long to become a reality to me.
I still want to make friends with people on here who love the lifestyle like I do. I feel I am coming full circle.
To close: I love You Master Randy, thank You for finding me. Thank You for seeing more in me than I have seen myself.
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Okay, its time for a new journal entry. I have been alone and widowed for over 2 year and I find myself wanting love and affection again. It wont be found initially anyway in Ohio anymore, My life has moved me to the sunny state of Florida. I am searching for a tall (over 6ft would be nice) heavier set man who knows how to show a lady (yeah Im working on that part) a good time. I still love the theme parks and love things on the kinky side. Im not extremely outgoing anymore but I can carry a decent conversation. I wont play or date men younger than my son (35ish) but I would like to date again. If your interested please drop me a message. You never know what my mood will be on any given day!
Shay |
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I became a widow in January. No, this does not mean I am wanting to date, looking for someone new, or in the market. I have, however, been active in BDSM for many years and for a time have been on a type of hiatus, while taking care of my husband. I do not ever expect to find that sort of love again, nor am I looking for it at this time. My world has turned upside down and I find more time on my hands and an emptiness that I would like to fill with friendship. I am not a masochist all of the time, nor am I always a sadist. I'm not young, but I do not feel as old as I am most of the time. I cannot say what I am looking for. I wasn't looking when I found my husband and my past submissive.
So, if I haven't confused you enough, if you would like to get to know me better, drop me a post and I will respond.
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Its been a year and the pain has not decreased. Communication has, and I pray she has found happiness. I am not sure why I am here anymore, I have no desire to really be in the lifestyle. I know anyone I might find will only pale in comparison to her. The lifestyle has lost its glimmer. But here I am still looking for friends, looking for that rare one night stand, looking for someone to make me feel special like I once did.
I am a year older, so is she. The year has passed with all the pain and loss remaining strong. So be it. |
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Give me one good reason to continue. I am truly searching. The problem is I have NO idea what I am looking for anymore. Lost, alone, surrounded by family. Blech. |
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Story of the Day... Kind of..
I went to go to work last night at my regular time only to turn off my road and meet a closed road with crime scene tape crossing the road. I had to go out of my way, luckily I was not late. I couldnt wait until the police visited my little store to find out what had happened.
Things like this just do not happen in my neighborhood, but at the corner lives twin 6 year old girls, a 12 year old and their mom and dad. Apparently the 12 year old was babysitting and at 10pm called the 6 year olds in for the night. One of the girls decided to fight the older girls authority and shot across the road, right into the path of an oncoming SUV. The little girl has multiple broken bones but was not killed. The driver was understandably shaken up as was the older sister.
Life is SO short. |
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Simple question...
Is it wrong to wish for a one night stand?
Shaylah |
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Sometimes it is SO hard to admit that you are lonely while in a crowd. The family is now back up to 7 in the household, stress is still high, and now I am more alone than ever. As Chris's health fails, I see myself as totally alone. I do not want to raise children again. I miss bunny, miss having someone just for me. I know the kids love me, I appreciate all their help, but gawd I miss being held, cuddled, and told that I am loved. Chris cannot help how he is, he tells me often enough that he loves me, but physical contact is almost nil and I miss that alot. My hug meter is failing. Its not only low but it is ceasing to function. And worse of all I have no ability to fix this problem.
Rambling, yeah. Its another long day. ~sighs~
Shaylah
~Queen Bitch of the Coyote Clan if you can call us that~
For today, one lonely woman who just exists |
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Slowly I am adapting. she is gone and I remain. I still have needs and although I love my family they cannot give me what I yearn for. Perhaps it is time to take on another "fuck buddy" but it will take someone extra special to replace her and to understand my other relationships. My time is sparce. My needs great. I am not dead yet. I will survive. Yes, I AM a survivor.
Shaylah |
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Will I ever get over her leaving? I miss her so much, her hugs, her kisses. I miss the little things she did for me. I miss the little things I did for her. I am so angry that she left like she did but I still cry when I think of her, how I miss her. I know life will be fine. My sons are back and I missed them terribly. I am grateful for their return and wish I could do more. I am stressing out again and not taking care of myself nor of those who need me. I fear I am failing everyone but I do not know how to do more. I am filled with that fear of abandonment again. Is forever just a word? She promised forever. I miss being hugged and held. And I fear I will never get over her leaving. |
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Happy Birthday.. to me. Just another day in the life. I am glad I am still alive. 48 doesnt seem THAT old. I still have a lot to live and a lot to offer. As I face the day alone, I know once again that I AM a survivor. Whatever happens to me, I will make it through. Maybe I am saying this here to remind myself of that fact. I miss the people who have made my life so full. I miss Papa who is in the hospital today and I miss My bunny. With them I was never alone. Still, its my birthday, I will cry if I want to or I will fly if I want to. Its MY day. |
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I had the best. I am not sure I will ever search again. Current situations are such that my hands are full and the stress runs rampant. The pain is deep from my loss. I have learned that forever does not mean a thing. Promises are made to be broken. I once again become the skeptic. Negativity courses through my veins. I am not angry. I am hurt. That is an emotion I allow myself while I will refrain from words such as fault and blame. I had the best, why search again? Why go through the pain again? |
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Shes not coming back. I suppose I knew by her desire to visit her family for a few weeks that this was a distinct possibility. I know I will miss her. she was the better half of me. I hope to retain her friendship at the very least. While I was perhaps not the strongest Mistress, she was not the strongest submissive. She was however my very best friend, companion, and I felt we were heart bonded. I wish her the best, hope she finds what she searches for and pray that her memories with me will be as precious to her as they are to me.
I am going to miss you bunny. I love you.
Shay |
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I finally have someone in my life who I love as much as my husband, as much as my son, who I cannot imagine life without. Today she goes in for shoulder surgery, no big deal, get rid of the pain shes experiencing that I cannot take away for her. But I love her. I fear for her. I want her out of pain. I cannot imagine her not being in my life. Once she has recuperated a little bit, shes going on a trip, back "home", back to see her kids and grandkids. Its only for a "few" weeks. How am I to survive? Can she not see how much I love her, need her, treasure her? I try to back the panic off but I know in my heart I have let her down. Nothing has occurred as I wished it would. All I know is I love her and I am terrified of losing her. PLEASE do not keep her away from me. I will wither and die.
Bunny, I love you. I always have, always will. I need you honey. Please do not ever doubt that. |
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I found a job. Its not my dream job but it will suffice. Thanks for all who attempted to help me in my search.
Gratefully,
Shaylah |
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I am currently (desperately) searching for a third shift job in the Troy, OH area. If anyone has any leads, please leave me a message.
Thanks,
Shaylah |
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Changes
I watch him as he struggles and realize once more how important he is to me. He has forgotten much but not that he loves me. So long as he can repeat “I love you too honey,” I will never give up. Simple things that he has done repeatedly in the past are now challenges. He has forgotten more than I will ever know or experience. His smile, the light in his eyes, and the fact that he needs me gives me strength to get through the times where he seems to hate me, wants me gone, and wishes I would shut up. What an awful disease this is! What a crime that one chemical in the body can cause this kind of damage. The vacant look in his eyes at times brings tears to my own. His aggravation and frustration are things that I cannot help though I would if I could. He has changed and with the change, my love for him only deepens. How precious he is to me. From the moment I met him, I knew he was my destiny. From the first time he smiled at me, I knew that with him I would be loved, safe, and secure. Those things have not changed. I have undergone changes myself. From the “pet” to the “Owner”, from the “Mistress” to the “Wife”, from the “passenger” to the “chauffeur”, from the “needy” to the “caregiver”, my life has changed. He still remembers. He is still in there. I will not give up because if I give up he will too. He is my life. He is Papa Chalmers. He is Chris. I love him so much.
We love you all. We are still here. We lurk. We watch. We remember.
Please keep us in your thoughts as he continues the struggle to recover from the high ammonia levels caused by liver failure.
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Sometimes I feel like a complete failure because I cannot do all the things I want to do or need to do to make others happy. There are times I feel no matter how hard I try I am just going to fail. With so many in the house now, playtime is scattered at best and at the whim of emotions and health. If others (including those in the home) dont understand that, theres not much I can do. I love my family. Perhaps I just do not express it the way others wants. I dont know. |
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Whoa whoa whoa!!! When I mentioned fuckbuddys it was in passing and NOT FOR ME!!! Although I appreciate all the emails asking about My girl I would never "pick" a fuckbuddy for her. Her nick on here is lovingbunny. If you havent already contacted her she probably isnt what you want or your not what she wants. I just want her to be happy. I love her. PERIOD! |
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Collarme seems to be a dating service, most people here looking for long term or 24/7. While I think this is great, can anyone recommend a place just to find a playmate/fuckbuddy sort of situation which can be SSC? Personally I am fine, but I know my girl is looking for Someone to fill the gaps that I and My SO cannot fill for her. When living in a 24/7 situation that is devoid of sexual contact, one often feels that emptiness. she is searching for playmates, not to leave My home. I would have no problem with that. But as I said, most seem to be looking for long term and there is no way I want to lose this precious addition to My family and life. I love the girl, she knows it. Or at least I hope she does! |
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We have our bunny. Two days after she went back to Michigan she was so miserable (we all were) that We went up there and moved her HOME. Our family is complete although we play well with others. We will not be looking for any else 24/7.
I'm happier than I can ever remember being.
That says alot.
Shay |
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We have found our submissive. she is the sweetest girl I have ever met, so loving and kind. she did so much while she was visiting, things without being asked. her loving touch, hugs and kisses were the most amazing things. bunny, come home SOON please!
Now to just get her back here permanently. Time will do that, but damn Im not the most patient person in the world.
hugs to All,
Shay |
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Our bunny is here, for a visit anyway. Im really hoping that she chooses to join My household. her being here is the completion of a dream. I could ask for no better submissive, no more beautiful friend. If we proceed to a romantic state, I will be pleased, if not, well I am glad to have this treasure in My life.
I'm happy. It's nice.
Shaylah |
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Nightmares
Nightmares. Ripped torn tendrils from an unknown source. Grabbing. Holding on despite all resistance.
Harsh. Cruel task master. Where did these hateful things come from? Viciously taking away minutes of much needed rest.
Invisible bonds wrapped around heart, mind and soul. Casting its shadow over the breath of life. Anger begins to swell.
Fighting back, resisting the fear that rages. Let me go. Let me be. Let me fight this battle. Alone. I CAN WIN.
Nightmares. Ceasing slowly, ebbing away. Turning, facing the one I love. Peace at his face, love in his arms. No longer alone.
Dreams come. Finally. Sleep and rest.
© Shay 2006 |
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Chris and I are searching for a female submissive to join our household. We live on a radical schedule and do not want a submissive/slave that must be micromanaged in any way. However, we do offer love and affection. He is a straight male, I am a Bi-Female. This is more than a "housemate situation" but one that could potentially be beneficial to all of us.
Touch and affection is very important to both of us. We are both internet addicts but we also have an active life off the internet. I have topped/dommed before, owned real time before. Chris is new to this but has great potential.
Life moves forward. Isn't it interesting???
Domme/Bottom Hybrid,
The "IT"
Shay |
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"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; while loving someone deeply gives you courage" -- Lao Tzu |
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WHISPERING DREAMS AND SILENT HOPES
Whispering dreams and silent hopes. It is almost more than the heart can cope. I walk in fog around all sides. Tears on my face, sadly I cry.
Whispering dreams, sharp and forlorn. Asking why was I ever born. Silent hopes crushed beneath their feet. I refuse to give up, refuse to admit defeat.
Whisperings of those who have gone before. Their footsteps aged, can not be ignored. Dreams caught between the now and then. Faceless women. Faceless men.
Silent screams to lonely ears, wrapped in sorrow, wrapped in tears. Hopes so dim they drift away. Prayers sent for their retrieval another day.
Reaching out for those beyond the veil. Their lessons lost, no more souls to tell. Listening close for the whisperings. Aching for guidance they might bring.
A glimmer of light on the horizon in view. Hopes spring alive, dreams are renewed. The path now lit, the steps more light. No more stumbling lost in the night.
A gentle touch to a slumped shoulder. “Be brave, my girl. Be true. Be bolder”. Loving hugs to comfort me. Faces come to view through the foggy sea.
Whispering dreams, hope screaming out. You are my friends. What it is all about. Hopes fill the night as whispers drift away. “Come out, my friend, come out and play.” |
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I DREAMED I WAS DYING
I dreamed I was dying and nobody cared. I searched for a friend and no one was there.
I reached out my hand in a useless attempt to restore my life. How did it get so unkempt?
I dreamed I was dying, I was so afraid. I tossed and I turned in the bed that I made.
What did I do to deserve all these things? How can I face what the morning might bring?
I dreamed I was dying, All I could do was cry. So many blank faces not caring if I lived or died.
Why don't they reach out? Why must I be alone. I thought I had broke the cycle. Oh God, I should have known.
I dreamed nobody cared that I lay sick and dying. No one gave a damn that I could'nt stop crying.
I awoke with a start and deep down I sighed. Because through that lousy dream a vital part of me died.
©Shaylah Eternity aka Mary Wallace 2005 |
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Home from OLF and what a wonderful time I had!!! I got to bottom to a wonderful Dom/Top named Major from NM and I carry the marks with great pride. He gave me the experience that I hoped to get and hopefully any who want to see the pictures can see them in my profile. This weekend I wanted to bottom and that is what I did. Chris bottomed to a wonderful Domme named Michelle Bellanger who is the author of The Vampire Codex among other books and it thrilled my heart to see him having such a wonderful time. Life is so good. I am happy. And overall that is what matters.
This weekend we are going to IN to a party and there I intend to top. ~grinsss~ Life as a switch just cant get much better!!!
Tight tight hugs and sweet Shay kisses~
Shay |
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Been a while since I updated this :) but here goes.
On August 2 my housemate for the past 4 months and fuckbuddy for the past year dropped to one knee in Red Lobster and proposed to me. I eagerly and happily accepted. I am happier than I can remember being in a long LONG time.
It kind of upsets me though the number of so called Domme's who have backed away from playing with him just because he is now engaged to me. Most are married or have submissives, so why should Their interaction with my fiance change just because he and I are now a couple??
He is a submissive soul who is wanting to switch, that is learn to top. I AM a switch having experience in both topping and bottoming. I am not collared to him, he is not collared to me. We will maintain an open relationship with his seeing other women and me seeing other people (yes I am bisexual, best of both worlds).
Im REALLY looking forward to OLF this coming weekend. Im hoping that both chris and I find Tops to bottom to. Im fairly certain I will. I KNOW both of us will have a grand time.
HUGSSS~
Shay |
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What I have learned recently is you CAN enjoy the BDSM lifestyle without being a "submissive" or a "dominant". You dont NEED a Master or Owner to love the things we do. I am a masochist. A sado-masochist in fact. The closest that identifies me is Switch, although I dont believe that even begins to describe me. Just because I dont want to be a slave or submissive doesnt mean that I cant enjoy getting flogged or spanked or even that I cant serve. Just because I dont want to be a dominant doesnt mean I cant be a damned fine top to some willing soul. I can be happy just being me. |
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Negotiations have ended. Poorly. I am not searching for an Owner. I am returning to being a switch which I know I can be. What I know Myself to be is a sl*t and a Bottom. The ending of negotiations was on my part, I am not cut out to be a submissive or a slave. I AM however a good person. Get to know me. The least you will get will be a friend. |
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To be fair to Those wonderful Dominants who email me, i am under negotiation for a collar of consideration (for lack of better terminology).
i constantly look for new friends to talk to, but dont want to lead any of You on. if things go well (and theres a wonderful possibility that they will) i will shortly no longer be "available". Thank You for the interest though, and the multiple compliments that come my way.
respectfully~
shay |
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i have added more pictures to my profile. |
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WOW. What a weekend! i finally got the opportunity to bottom here in OH and its everything i remember it being. Thank YOU JL Sir for the wonderful session. i still feel all warm and fuzzy from it. i also got the opportunity this weekend to spread my wings and tried temporary piercing. While i will always prefer needles filled with ink, i have to say it was an experience and one i will probably enjoy again in the future.
i missed SirDaniel alot but was lucky enough to speak to Him by phone and let Him know of my adventures which He has encouraged.
i'm happier than i can remember being in a very long time and now with plane tickets in hand (as much as etickets can be), i'm really looking forward to the future.
Part of me screams "slow down shay", the other part just shivvers in delight. i hope everyones weekend was good too.
hugggggssssssssss and sweet shay kisses~
shay |
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I've wanted to put up a new journal entry but lately I have been feeling a bit skiddish in doing so.
Because suddenly from out of the blue, I seem to have found a dominant Couple who see something in me that I thought had died... well He has anyway.
I have yet to talk to Her but I know from listening to Him She MUST be fabulous. Im contemplating a trip to meet Them, which if things go as I suspect may eventually lead to me moving again. I love to travel but I am so tired of moving, starting over, starting from nothing.
With Him I feel alive again, and with coming out of the ashes I am confronted with past baggage, fears and controversy. Still I have hope again, dreams, desires. I just hope I have the strength and will power to take the chance once more.
One more thing I want to add tonight is my undying gratitude to chalmers2 for taking me in, for giving me a home and a best friend to confide in. No matter if my path does lead me to Them, he will always have a place in my heart.
Enough for tonight. ~hugssssssssssssss~
shay |
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I have been in the lifestyle since 1999 and had many adventures, many misteps and been through alot. But one thing comes to my mind on my looking back over my time:
I have walked with Giants. I know people like Jay Wiseman and Laura Antoniou. I also have had the priveledge to love people like ScooterTrash and ShiftedJewel from here on Collarme. I have met fascinating people, been to wonderful events, have learned and grown, taught and been taught at the feet of some of THE best. And the journey is FAR from over. ~grins~
I love this lifestyle. I am proud to share that love with all of you.
hugs~
shay |
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If I believed in online collars and long distance collars, I would be begging one now. Instead I find myself wondering if its worth taking a chance on again.
Can I be a slave again as my heart yearns to be, or is the damage so deep that I can never search for happiness or completeness again.
If I believed in online collars and long distance collars.. instead I yearn, I grow and I deeply appreciate the attention One Special One who is far from me gives me.
Who knows what the future holds? I dont. |
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