• I am the cat you kick across the room when you are having a bad day.
• I am the cat you kick across the room when I am having a bad day.
• I am the object of your rage and impotence.
• I am the sounding board to your ideas – dreams – wishes.
• I am the patient one while you are the patient.
• I am the one who sits with her back to others so that you feel safer.
• I am the one who loved and cherished your family when you could not.
• I am the one who bought you a house so you could tell me how grateful I should be for having air conditioning in your home.
• I am the one who left a mega cool career to devote my time to you.
• You were my soulmate.  My best friend.  My rock.
• I was your soulmate.  Best friend.  Caregiver.
•  

What the fuck happened?

please don't confuse me with the books 

I guess this is a disclaimer of sorts. some folks have been emailing me here and on another site - always mentioning the books. yes - i have the trilogy. yes - am totally enjoying reading them. but i was here first.

laughs. i have been shadesograye for a little over three years now. did not find out about the books til last month.

shadesograye nic came out of a discussion i had with my very vanilla bff. i had just been released from my first Master and needed to change my name. we were discussing perceptions, realities, etc. i told her that i no longer believed in black and white... life was just a multitude of shades of gray. voila.

O.M.F.G.

it is 0330 hrs.  do Y/you know where the trolls are?  i sure as hell do.  right here on this site.  am totally disgusted.  note to self..... avoid this site like the plague during this time of day and get the dam tv fixed. 

for all you sick fucking jerks that want to pay me to force feed you used tampons....  invest that money in some much needed therapy.

pfffffft

so - ya gotta ask yourself what kind of a person writes this in his/her journal.  sheesh.  why even bother putting a profile out there.  are there really folks out there that get turned on by this?  if so - pass on by...

Just so you bitches know, I am a Domme! So, fuck off with this "you will" shit and trying to tell Me what to do. I will not listen. I only put switch so I can break Doms and their pussy asses would not run away! Think on that for a bit. Thank you.

3/5/2012     just got this from a freind - purrrrfect! 

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.  Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.  I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.  I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.  I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.  Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.  Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year.  You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person. My job is done!

Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly! From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty good in mine!

"Someone Like You"   by Adele 

I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, "
Yeah

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Yeah

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Yeah

IF THE SHOE FITS..... 

It ain't complicated
Well, I've grown to hate it
I never liked the taste of crow but baby I ate it
They tried to warn me
They said that you were ornery
So don't bring me those big brown eyes and tell me that you're sorry
Well you might as well throw gasoline on a fire
The way you lie

You lie like a priceless Persian rug on a rich man's floor
You lie like a coon dog basking in the sunshine on my porch
You lie like a penny in the parking lot at the grocery store
It just comes way too natural to you
The way you lie

That ain't my perfume
I bet she had a curfew
You told me you were out with the boys and baby I believed you
So why you lookin' so nervous
You know you're gonna deserve this
I oughta kill you right now and do the whole wide world a service
Well my daddy's gonna straighten you out like a piece of wire, like a piece of wire
The way you lie

You lie like the man with the slick back hair who sold me that Ford
You lie like a pine tree in the back yard after last month's storm
You lie like a penny in the parking lot at the grocery store
It just comes way too natural to you
The way you lie

Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna drive into the big ol' muddy river
I'm gonna park my car in the middle of the mile-long bridge
And then I'm gonna cry well maybe just a little
Then I'm gonna slip off the ring that you put on my finger
Give it a big ol' fling and watch it sink
Down, down, down
There it's gonna lie
Until the Lord comes back around

Because you lie like a priceless Persian rug on a rich man's floor
You lie like a coon dog basking in the sunshine on my porch
You lie like a penny in the parking lot at the grocery store
It just comes so dang natural to you
The way you lie
The way you lie
Well it's what you do, it's who you are

and still waits....

girl will not back down or away.  He is worth the pain - the effort - the loneliness.   

she waits.

funny thing - those endorphins...

heard this tonite... made me think of You.

My oh my, you're so good-looking
Hold yourself together like a pair of bookends
But I've not tasted all your cooking
Who are you when I'm not looking?

Do you pour a little something on the rocks?
Slide down the hallway in your socks?
When you undress, do you leave a path?
Then sink to your nose in a bubble bath?

My oh my, you're so good-looking
Hold yourself together like a pair of bookends
But I've not tasted all your cooking
Who are you when I'm not looking?

I wanna know
I wanna know
I wanna know

Do you break things when you get mad?
Eat a box of chocolates 'cause you're feelin' bad?
Do you paint your toes 'cause you bite your nails?
Call up momma when all else fails?

Who are you when I'm not around?
When the door is locked and the shades are down?
Do you listen to your music quietly?
And when it feels just right, are you thinkin' of me?

I wanna know
I wanna know
I wanna know

My oh my, you're so good-looking
But who are you when I'm not looking?

woo hoo!!!!!! girl found a new toy that she is absolutely fascinated with.  all i want for christmas is a...  Little Devil Electric Toy

http://axovus.com/little-devil-electric-toy-c-248-p-1-pr-16201.html

A nice little compact electrical toy! When the two spikes contact skin, they give off a mild to fairly intense electrical shock (comparable to a “tens” unit). Features 2 settings, constant and blink. 5” overall length, belt clip included.
This is the best compact electrical toy you could ever find, it runs off of 2 AA batteries (included). The battery life is great, one set of batteries will last you months of normal play. Once you've tried it, it's a must have for your toybox. The sensation is a sharp tingling feeling, a very fast pulsating electrical feel to it that will have your playmate squirming for hours!
The beauty of this toy is its portability and ease of use, leave it by your bedside for some spontaneous play, the Little Devil is ready to go at a moments notice. Experiment on different parts of the body, the thrilling sensation of pleasure and pain at the same time will have them begging for more! It's safe to use on all body parts, but please use some common sense, this is not recommended for anyone with a pacemaker or a heart condition.
Have fun and experiment with the best toy to introduce you into electrical play.

He knows,  i ventured out on my own. timid, yet defiant. He glanced, glared and stared me down.  walking over, he grabbed my hair...and i knew.  it is all in the eyes.  why is this one sooooooooooo drawn?  why does she fight it?  doolittle's push-me/pull-me.  W/we talked.  He touched me. again. whispers. comfortable.  "are you afraid of Me, girl?"  He asks. this one responded after some careful thought.  she knew she was not in any physical danger....  yet...... He touched girl again.  and she was lost.  most mind-blowing sex EVER..... while fully clothed.  girl wonders......

His written words caught my attention. not the content, not the style - but the whole. Here was a Man that knew Himself. spoke the truth. focused on the important stuff. girl was impressed and moved. she felt the Man - the Master.... the One who was comfortable enough in His own skin to reach out to her.

Girl attended a group function and she was nervous. new, vulnerable and shy, she clung to the One that brought her, gazing around in wonderment. she saw Him. across the room, not large and in charge - not dominating the room.... except for her. all else faded. girl soooooo wanted to be properly introduced. not good to show eagerness. not slavelike to insist. the pull was steady. time and time again she felt drawn - compelled almost to seek Him out. girl behaved. her skin crawling with apprehension, she was led to Him, introduced, not allowed eye contact.

but His eyes insisted. time and time again during the course of O/our conversation i glanced up = met His gaze. girl could not help herself. she accepted her punishment for disobedience - but it was worth it. He saw more than He should have.

yes - He saw more than He should have. but strangely - did not make this one run - back away or shudder in fear. this one merely backed up a pace or two and met that knowledge eye to eye

WAR EAGLE !!

this one has reflected much on the last year.  she is decidedly most thankful for her friends - old and new - near and far - virtual and real.  thank Y/you all for making me feel welcome in my new life and helping me to settle in!!  have a blessed Thanksgiving Day and please take a moment to think of those that make this day possible.

am back - more or less.  grins.  i miss this too much to stay away long.  it is fun, the trolls are manageable, and i miss chatting with freinds.  may still dissapear on occasion - but that is because i do not wish to be publically negative.  got off work this morning and realized that i actually liked myself again.  is a step in the right direction. 

okay - this is not working.  graveyard shift and my insomnia are making life on this planet hell.  i need to take a break for a while.  will leave this up for a couple of days before i go away.  my <freinds> will know how to contact me on yahoo.  but please understand - this is only a temporary thing and i WILL be back.

wet hugs n warm kisses = shades

wellllllllllllllll - that did not take long.  sigh.  an unattached slave seems to be fair game for any troll that happens to run across her profile.  grins.  this one wonders if even vanilla dating/relationships/web sites are like this?

I've been around for you
I've been up and down for you
But I just can't get any relief
I've swallowed my pride for you
I've lived and lied for you
But you still make me feel like a thief

You got me stealin' your love away
'Cause you never give it
Peeling the years away
And we can't relive it
I make you laugh
And you make me cry
I believe it's time for me to fly

You said we'd work it out
You said that you had no doubt
That deep down we were really in love
Oh, but I'm tired of holding on
To a feeling I know is gone
I do believe that I've had enough

I've had enough of the falseness
Of a worn out relation
Enough of the jealousy
And the intoleration
I make you laugh
And you make me cry
I believe it's time for me to fly

{Refrain} Time for me to fly
Oh, I've got to set myself free
Time for me to fly
And that's just how it's got to be
I know it hurts to say goodbye
But it's time for me to fly

Oh, don't you know it's...
{Refrain}

It's time for me to fly
{Repeat to end}

this one is shaking her head and reaching for the tylenol.  9week grades are out and boy wonder did not do well.  one f, one d, two c and two b.  the d and f were because he won't do any work in class and is not turning in homework.  when did 15 year olds become so dense?  so now he is grounded from everything except breathing for the next 9 weeks.  daddy even took his bedroom door off the hinges - cuz privacy went out the window too.  we are now into extreme micro-management.  guess my dwindling social availability just got smaller.

i need a hug

WAR EAGLE  !!!!!!!!!!

the graveyard shift sux.  is tough to stay in touch with freinds - and it totally wreaks havoc on a relationship.  this one is headed to bed for a good night's (day's???) sleep.  her head filled with images of Sir and all the (as of yet) unspoken fantasies.

meow - shades

omg omg omg  when all else fails  college football RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you would think that since Sir let this one cum 7 times yesterday that i would be a bit calmer.  omg heck noooooooooooooo.  slut is sooooooooooo ready for more.

with a rebel yell - she cried MORE MORE MORE.

such a greedy wench.

am missing the lazy days of summer.  am working six days this week.  sigh

slut is sooooooooooooooooooooo very needy.  she craves Sir's attention.  on her knees, she begs.....

ppppppfffftttttttttttttttttttttt

slut is sooooooooooooo tired - mind and body are still adjusting to graveyard shift.  work is great - i stay busy and manage to get it all done.  missing hanging out in the chatrooms and seriously miss chatting with Sir throughout the day.  sigh.  it will all work out.

ya know....  i have been receiving alot of mail from Dominates that either ask the question...  "are you still under consideration?"  or "hey - let's stay in touch in case things don't work out".

for those of Y/you that read, i keep my profile current - i (mostly) post a daily journal entry.  so unless things change (and i will update the profile)   YES I AM STILL UNDER CONSIDERATION

and for those of Y/you (male, female, Dom/me, switch, sub, slave) that think Y/you can slide in under the radar...   pppffftttt

and let's think about this.....  if i agree to keep in touch "just in case things don't work out" ....  that would  (a) truly show a lack of respect for Sir and His property, (b) be totally self-defeating and (c)  allow Y/you to slide in under the radar (see above).

there are many many good people out there - of all shapes, sizes, colours and types - i enjoy good conversation and harmless flirting.  i do not use my block button on whims.  if Y/you truly want to get to know me - then please take the time to get to know my Sir as well.

(steps off the soapbox)  nuff said.

gonna spend the day sleeping.  start the night shift tonite.

totally wonderful day.  spent the day at the beach with freinds.  sun - waves - lots n lots of folks.  it is national shriimp festival.  never did get any shrimp.  giggles.  went to a local meet and greet tonite - kinda proud of myself for going.  really enjoyed myself and enjoyed meeting some new folks as well.  looking forward to doing again real soon.  missing Sir tonite. 

one of my all-time favorite tunes.  and now i have one more reason to love this song.  bob segar is still the King!!!

On a long and lonesome highway
East of Omaha
You can listen to the engine
Moanin' out his one note song
You can think about the woman
Or the girl you knew the night before
But your thoughts will soon be wandering
The way they always do
When you're ridin' sixteen hours
And there's nothin' much to do
And you don't feel much like ridin',
You just wish the trip was through

Here I am On the road again
There I am Up on the stage
Here I go Playin' star again
There I go Turn the page

Well you walk into a restaurant,
Strung out from the road
And you feel the eyes upon you
As you're shakin' off the cold
You pretend it doesn't bother you
But you just want to explode

Most times you can't hear 'em talk,
Other times you can
All the same old cliches,
"Is that a woman or a man?"
And you always seem outnumbered,
You don't dare make a stand

Here I am On the road again
There I am Up on the stage
Here I go Playin' star again
There I go Turn the page

Out there in the spotlight
You're a million miles away
Every ounce of energy
You try to give away
As the sweat pours out your body
Like the music that you play
Later in the evening
As you lie awake in bed
With the echoes from the amplifiers
Ringin' in your head
You smoke the day's last cigarette,
Rememberin' what she said

Here I am On the road again
There I am Up on the stage
Here I go Playin' star again
There I go Turn the page
Here I am On the road again
There I am Up on the stage
Here I go Playin' star again
There I go Turn the page
There I go

sometimes i feel like a little girl with her fingers stuck in the holes of the leaking dam.  she is running out of fingers rapidly.

submission is in the eye of the beholder.

Grrrrrrrrrr.  This slut hates it when she forgets the obvious.  With all the fun and games last night she forgot her journal entry.  Subsequently this girl has earned herself five more licks than last time with Sir’s leather belt.  25.  Slut is seriously wondering if they sell Anbesol by the gallon. 

I have become rather fond of the line in one of my favorite Daughtry tunes.

Last night was perfect….except that Sir was not here to enjoy it with me.  I have come to truly treasure my online friends/pals.  They are such a collection of wonderful folks with a sense of humor that matches my own.  While listening to the tunes provided by O/our very own online karaoke DJ, i was privileged to exchange pleasantries with the likes of Stephen Hawking; commiserate with the tireless troll whisperer; flirt with the sexy likes of Florida’s best; and garner invites to the four corners of the world.  I was laughing so hard that my asthma inhaler got a righteous workout and the chair I was sitting in needed to be flushed and rinsed several times. 

It is not an excuse my Sir – slut deserves her punishment for once again failing to comply.  But please don’t be offended if she giggles a bit during the administration of said punishment. 

my mind seems to be drawing a blank tonite.  So I asked folks in the vid chat room if T/they could recommend some subject matter.  Giggles.  Got a few responses.

            Why subbies get “off” days

            Why so many people think this is just about kinky sex

Why is it when I get a "slave" in the house they say after a week...WHAT this is for real...???

Good subjects all.  The first topic is “off” days.  There was actually some room discussion about that. 

My Sir is very understanding when I am having an off day.  That time of the month – or feeling icky.  I don’t milk it and I really try to do all that He requires of me.  I want to please Him – to make Him happy – to make Him proud.  But honestly – there are days when I just cannot get there from here.  So He understands – especially when I let him know up front.  And for that, this slut is immensely grateful.

Just about kinky sex?  Cuz that is all others see and hear.  That is the shock value and the immediate gratification.  Very few vanilla folks have the tolerances to listen or research ….the rest of the story.  When I was younger I was not only very opinionated (loudly) but more than a bit judgemental.  i grew out of that as I got older.  When I discovered this lifestyle and what it meant to me – I grew out of it a whole lot more.  Amazing.  I have likes and dislikes.  I still have opinions and occasionally feel compelled to argue my point.  But on the whole – I work very hard not to judge people.  If you are into small animals…okay.  It might make my skin crawl and I would have some definite opinions about me and small animals.  But it is Y/your life – Y/your choice.  Go in peace.

And the last topic….  Am laughing.  Ya can glamorize just about anything in a chatroom or private chat or on the phone.  But when the rubber meets the road folks usually get a rude awakening.  I am a firm believer in making informed decisions.  I think too much according to some and others think that I am too quick with my decisions.  I question until I find my comfort level and then I go with my gut.  Is it always the right thing or a good thing?  Heck no – that is why they call it life.  If slaves and subs are not capable of thinking things thru – their Dom/me should be able to.  My first Dom was good about that.  He hated my “overthinking” everything – but He was always asking questions – making sure that I knew the answers and knew what I was getting into. 

And as Y/you know (cuz I have sung His praises), my Sir is totally kewl with that.  He is spontaneous and funny and likes to try different things.  But He is ALWAYS careful to gauge my comfort level and to make sure I understand everything.  Don’t get me wrong – He pushes my limits and He tests me, but it still stays safe, sane and consensual.

I look around.  Deeeeeep breath.  Wow – slut has the nite off on all fronts.  There really is a lot to be said about solitude being golden.  Grins.  No – not silence – have daughtry cranked up on the stereo – but just to be able to relax and enjoy – no demands – no pressure.  Life is good.

Did I mention the spanking I got this last Friday?  Not good.  I forgot my journal entry again.  Yes – again.  This time it was not a hand spanking.  My Sir used his belt.  20 strikes.  Hurt.  Ouch.  Pain.  A few bruises.  More than a few tears.  And no kiss.

Sir had me in position against His favorite tree.  The punishment tree as I have come to think about it.  And this time He had me take my panties and use them for a gag.  Prolly a good idea.  See above.

Then I had a 6 hour car ride.  Yep – butt was sore.

For those of Y/you that have commented that my Sir is a bit unreasonable, I want to say again for the record that He is NOT unreasonable.  I knew the rules – I broke the rules – I got punished.  It is that simple.

Oh it is good to be home again.  The trip was miserable – I am fine and in 30 days and a wake-up I will be single again.  And permanently.  Grins.

The other night Sir surprised me by coming online late in the evening.  W/we chatted some and He asked me if there was a Domme in the vid chat room that I trusted.  Without hesitation, I gave Him Her name.  He asked if I trusted Him.  Of course, I say without a pause.  Sir leaves for a bit, comes back and informs me that He is giving me to Her for a short while on cam.

Gulp

What followed was truly interesting.  She has a wonderfully hypnotic voice and She ran me thru some relaxation exercises.  They helped – my terror subsided

Once I was kneeling (on cam in front of 18 of my favorite strangers), posture correct – Ma’am had me place clothespins on my nipples and labia.  Somewhere in the back of my mind the phrase “think beautiful, be beautiful” jumped out at me.  I was surprised to find that after the initial pinch, the clothespins on my labia did not hurt.  Nor did the ones on my nipples.  But Ma’am is smarter than the average bear – She had me reposition the pins on my nipples so they were clamped on the very tips and pointing straight out.

Ouch.  Those hurt.  It was very distracting.  Especially when She directed me to play with myself.  Of course I was wet – and thru the distraction and discomfort of the pinned nipples, I began to get excited.  Sir was in the audience for most of the session – whispering how proud He was of me.  Before He signed out – He told me I could cum for Him.

Whoo hoo.  Ma’am let my excitement build – no quickie here.  She told me remove the clothespins and then told me to cum for my Sir.  And I did.  Wow.

I am smiling as I remember this.  After I came, I was dismissed and W/we went private to chat.  Sir came back online and asked me if I was okay – I laughed and said yes, Ma’am was giving me very good aftercare.  He wanted to know how it was possible to do aftercare online.  I laughed and told Him that W/we were having girl talk – relaxing.

This was an important step for my Sir’s slut in the trust building department.  On many different levels.  Thank You Sir for arranging the whole thing.

I got to spend the afternoon with a girlfreind at the beach.  Was amazing and incredible.  I have forgotten what it feels like just to relax and talk.  Just us girls.  We giggled, we laughed, we got close to crying a few times. 

I have never been a real girly girly – hanging with the guys was more my thing.  But over the last 10 years I have made some incredibly awesome girlfreinds.  We are all scattered now – product of our military ways.  But they all taught me so much about myself and all that I have missed out on by ignoring half the population.

That is why today was so wonderful.  Just us girls.  No Sir – sorry – no making out and no pics.  I don’t think girl talk makes any sense to others not involved in the conversation – unless you happen to be a girl too.  Grins.  So there is no sense boring you with the details.  Just know that I am now wonderfully relaxed and happy.

Hhmmmm – uh…  well okay – Sir called me on His way home and insisted that I cum for Him.  It was truly a pleasure…  all three times.    I am such a slut.  But I am Sir’s slut – His most precious possession.  Thank You Sir for allowing me to cum for You.

Is it any wonder that I am smiling?

so - another sleepless night in pcola.  grins.  went to the vid chat and a girlfreind of mine was practicing her Domme tendencies.  she is young and has not had much practice.  the boy she was playing with used to be a Dom and the dude made the mistake of issuing a challenge.

girlfriend allowed me to take the lead  (weg).  put him thru his paces - truly.  he was moaning and groaning and begging.  yep - really begging.  studmuffin really needed to cum.  so she and i eventually let him cum.

and then we told him to lick it up.  sheesh.  he obeyed - and then made a face and told us that he did not understand how girls could swallow that stuff.

roflmao

okay - so here is the point i am trying to make.  a survey.  really - no girls need to respond.  but guys - be honest or begone.

have ya ever tasted your own cum?  comments?  opinions?  thoughts?  now please be honest.....  us gals really wanna know.

  Have been trying to figure out what to write about tonite.  Got bunches of vanilla stuff done.  It is turning into a busy week for me.  As I make out schedules and assignments and to do lists…Sir is at the forefront of my thoughts.  Always there.  He is in my thoughts as I drift off to sleep and when I wake up.  Chatting daily – texting, phoning – getting to see Him regularly is a gift.  A very treasured one.  He is responsible for my focus – my renewed energy and this slut is very grateful.

Sir has allowed me to communicate freely with others – with very few restrictions.  So I am making new friends and that feels great too.  When I have a down day, they make me laugh.  Sir makes me laugh – but more importantly – He makes me think.

So – thank You so very much Huck, Sir.  Your most precious possession is very happy to serve.  And for all my new friends – thanks so much for pulling me into Y/your circle of love.

First of all, slut would like to apologize to Sir for being tardy on this journal submission.  The race ran longer than expected.  It was interesting – but not to the general public.  Grins.  Slut spent the night thinking of her wonderful sexy Sir.  This afternoon was incredible.

I tried out a new tie that one of my friends showed me – lots of compliments – especially from her Sir.  Then things got a bit heated.  All F/four of us were in the chatroom and the Sirs decided that we girls could cum together.  Oh wow.  Was awesome.  Then W/we were given permission to cum with each other – she with pain and me when she did.   OMG!!!!!!

she won – but I felt wonderful.  8-5.  Ooooooooooooooooo  yeah.  So mellow and happy.  Hugs n kisses to my Sir for allowing me to cum for Him so many times and thanks to her Sir for making it possible.

Grins.  This happy slut is glad she was able to please her Sir.  Looking forward to tomorrow.

Wow – lunch with Sir.  Smiles.  All in all – a very good day.  Slut is grateful that she had the opportunity to meet with Sir today.  Was a totally long weekend and W/we missed each other.  Every day that passes is so very lonely – until I get to spend time with Sir.  Totally awesome.  Gratifying.  Today was wonderful – no punishment – just purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre pleasure.  Meow. 

Sir took me back out to the woods.  And dang it, forgot the bugspray.  Omg – forget the dam ants…  today it was biting flies.  Slut is ate up… but happy n smiling. 

Nuff for now.  The woods – communing… wink wink.  Sigh. 

Life is good

slut had a wonderful day.  Got a lot of vanilla chores done, boy wonder did what he was supposed to and Sir played with me in vid chat.  A girl just cannot ask for more.  Well, okay, girl could ask for a few more brain cells.  Giggles.

All was right with the world.  Sir had me tie myself up – practicing some of the rope things He has taught me. i entered the vid chat room.  Of course, it was with vibe inserted in Sir’s favorite hole.  Hehehehehe.  the rope served an additional purpose – it held the vibe in place when I modeled and had to wander around.  That was kewl.

Then I messed up.  The vibe was on high and I was going nuts.  I wanted to cum soooooooooooooo bad for Sir – but He kept instructing me to wait despite all the begging.  Honestly – my fingers just wandered below kinda unconciously.  Sir came back on line and wanted to know what I was doing.  Being the guileless slut that I am, I told Sir that I was playing with His clit.  Sigh.  Wrong answer.  I wasn’t gonna cum.  But Sir is correct, slut is not allowed to play with His toys without permission.

Out come the clothespins.  (sob).  Sir had me place them on my nipples.  Two each.  Bound, smeared with biofreeze – two clothespins were clipped to each nipple.  It hurt.  A lot.  Then Sir decided that He wanted me to play with His clit.  So I did.  The nipples were numb by this point so when Sir told me to cum I did.  All three times.  Giggles.

i was feeling totally mellow and satisfied and happy that I had pleased my Sir once again.  Then Sir told me to stand up and untie myself.  I was to be extra careful not to dislodge the clothespins.  My tummy knotted.  I knew it was gonna hurt – not just the unwrapping of my boobs which would tingle and burn when circulation started again – but my nipples would burn because of the biofreeze.  And omg – then the clothespins would come off.  Tense is only a mild adjective to describe my emotional state when I realized all that.

So there I am – nekkid with clothespins attached to my nipples – waiting on Sir to tell me to remove them.  He did.  But Sir told me to “flick” them off or “slap” them off.  Please understand – this was all on cam – in the vid chat room.  I tried to smile.  Told myself that I was a big girl and could do that.  I flicked and flicked and slapped and slapped.  Finally one came off.  I screamed.   When my heartrate started to slow, I started again.  Flicking and slapping.  Dam things just would not come off.  Sir finally took pity on His slut and allowed her to remove them the normal way.  Hurt like hell.

Then Sir told me I could leave the room – close down the cam.  He allowed me a quick break.  I came back and thanked Him for allowing me to close down the cam when He did.  Giggles.  He wanted to know why I was so thankful.  So I told Him.  “because i could not hold back the tears any longer”

Silly me, I thought Sir did not “get-it”.  W/we had a bit of a conversation about that.  He then told me that He wanted a part of my journal to be about my views on public vs. private punishment.

Deep breath.  Yep – Sir is definitely smarter than the average bear.  So here goes.

For those of Y/you that don’t know, I spent my life in and around the military.  I was seriously pissed at the recruiter when he explained that I could not drive tanks or be in the infantry cuz I was a girl.  In the 80’s as a teenager I was really offended.  To make a long story short, I did a lot of things in the military that most folks only get to see on tv.  No – not the rambo stuff – but kewl stuff nonetheless.  Having babies, spending time in a teaching hospital and hanging with the guys in the military basically got rid of any shame I had about my body.  I can dam near pee on command – anywhere and anytime.  Nudity has never really bothered me.  But there are some things that do,

Crying in public tops the list.  I cry when I am so frustrated that I cannot speak.  I cry when I am angry and have nowhere to direct the anger.  I cry when I am hurt, I cry after good sex – I cry a helluva lot for a girl that has spent her life trying to be tough.

And I hate it.  I guess it is the ultimate humiliation.  And again, for those of you that know me, you know that I can take a whole lot of humiliation.  Cept for crying.  I don’t like to cry – especially not in front of strangers, bosses, or anybody else for that matter.

When I lead – supervise – tutor – mentor I know how important it is to not humiliate someone in public.  All ass chewings are to be done in private – discipline and punishment are private.  With one very important exception.  Safety.  Safety violations are instant corrective action.  Period.  A good leader can administer corrective action without causing undo humiliation to the subject. 

There is a time and place for public humiliation and punishment.  And everyone’s tolerance is different.  Is it kewl for a Dom to humiliate a sub in public?  Sometimes.  Is a Dom more of a Man if He can shrivel up His sub in public?  No.  Is a Dom more of a Man if He can break a sub in public?  I don’t know – depends how He builds her back up.

Grins.  I have mixed feelings on the subject, Sir.  Sometimes public punishments are appropriate.  If the lesson can be applied to the audience and if said punishments serve as a learning tool to them.  But this must be counterbalanced with the potential damage it does to the person being punished.

Is it worth it?

I have been corresponding with a gal that is also new to the lifestyle.  We have found that we have many things in common and are trading experiences, questions and thoughts.  A few days ago she shared with me that her Sir had arranged her first bi-sexual experience.  She told me that she was terrified – not of the experience itself – but was afraid to have her limits pushed.  I totally understood that.  Here is what I wrote to her:

in the beginning i also had a very tough time with (a) defining my limits and (b) having them pushed.  i think it is a trust issue.  trusting my judgement in picking the right Dom. Knowing Him and trusting Him well enough to let those limits be pushed.  not sure if that made sense or not.  i have the heart and soul of a slave.  to give up all control is what i desire -what i seek.  it is not automatic.  i know that this is a work in progress. 

the rational vanilla 2010 woman in me knows that in order to do that - i have to trust my Sir completely.  i have to know that He will take care of me.  that He will not harm or injure me.  that His judgement is sound so that He will recognize when i am at the end of my rope (cough, pun intended) - with or without a safe word being used. 

yes - in my humble opinion, not only is this a process unique to each Dom/sub couple - but i also believe it is different for each of the limits that are being pushed.  again - not sure if that makes much sense - but i don't know how to say it better.

I am my Sir’s most precious possession.  Sir has directed that I say that to myself at least twice a day – in front of the mirror.  Is an easy tasker.  In fact I said it quite a bit today – kept me smiling all day long.  As I sit here composing this entry – it occurred to me that Sir has given a whole new definition to the phrase – plug n play.   Lmao.

On Wednesday Sir came over for a session.  Oh my.  3 hours.  And about an hour of that on cam.  Huck taught me how to tie a basic safety knot  (note to self, practice, practice, practice) and then proceeded to tie me up like a pretty christmas present.  I have posted a couple pics of the final results.  It was incredible – just the experience of being tied up.  Lots of laughing and fun and hugs and kisses.  I love rope.  It is erotic and sexy.  With each layer or turn or wrap I felt more of my control slipping away.  No – was more like I was turning myself over to Sir.

Once the final knot was tied, Sir used me – hard.  Explaining what he would do on cam with me.  He reminded me of the proper protocols I was to follow.  During this pre-cam use I was not allowed to cum.  But when Sir pulled out for the last time – there was a wonderful puddle under me.  Giggles.  I cleaned it up for Sir so that W/we would not slip and slide during the cam scene.

Lights camera action.  A lot of action.  Sir had me massage his feet before He began using me.  That was fun.  He has wonderful feet – and if slut may say so – softer now after the foot rub with lotion.  And then the real fun began.  The feel of His cock deep inside of me is indescripable.  But when Sir began pounding me from behind – I started moaning and screaming and begging.  He fits sooooooooo well.  Hits that majic spot each and every time… Y’ya know? 

And slut was not allowed to cum yet.  I lost track of time.  Was just filled and surrounded by sensation.  Straining to hear Sir’s voice –

And He said CUM.  So I did.  Twice even. 

As my shivers and aftershocks began to settle down, Sir closed down the cam.  Then He held me.  Close.  Murmured and told me how pleased He was with me.  Sir stroked my hair and kissed me – caressed my body and began untying his artwork.  Did I mention that Sir had rubbed biofreeze over my nipples earlier?  I had forgotten about that until the circulation returned.  OMG.  Sir allowed His slut to clean His cock with lips n tongue. 

Then He led me to the bed – laid me down gently and began using me again.  Slow and easy.  I felt the tears starting.  More pillow talk and more slow strokes.  I calmed.  Then got all hot and bothered again.  Grins.  Sir allowed me to cum again.  Wow.  Then he flipped me over and while using me – He had me call O/our friends to let them know that W/we would be a bit late for our pool playing date.  Girlfreind did not even ask why.  Maybe my erratic voice and breathing gave it away.  Lol

W/we finally made it to O/our friends place – relaxed, smiling and ready to have a lot of fun that night.  I was wet (as usual) and Sir decided to stuff my thong up His cunt to sop up all the goodness.  When W/we got to the pool hall, Sir had me pull it out and put it back on.  He loved that I was naked under the short skirt – but decided He did not want to share the view with other pool players.

Like I said…  incredible wonderful day. 

Yesterday was amazing.  Spent most of the day with Sir.  I should write about that – but the only thing I can think of this morning is what happened last nite.  I kissed a girl for the first time.  Was surprised at how good it felt.  And am totally thrilled that it was with a close friend of mine.  Thank you ladybug – and yes, you have very soft lips.

this one is living proof that ya can never be too old to have a blonde moment.  Sir mentioned a message He sent yesterday and I told Him I did not receive it.  After some back and forth conversation, He told me to check my bulk mail.  DING DING.  I checked and OMG – I had over 12 pages of messages.  i had never checked it.  I had messages in there going back to march of this year.  Ooooooooooooo.  slut is so embarrassed and mortified.  Not sure how that happened – made some changes and hope they take.

i read all my mail and respond to most and consider it ultimately rude not to do so.  My deepest and most humble apologies to all of Y/you that thought I was some rude bitch who ignores folks.  Sigh.  Although I had a busy day planned, I took the time to read each and every message.  i responded to some, but in the interest of time – will make some generic comments here to answer Y/your questions and concerns.

Yes, i have relocated.  i am now living in Pensacola Florida for the duration.  i say that because the last couple of months have taught me just how much life can turn on a dime.  Never say never.  And forever is something for the storybooks.

Am in the middle of a friendly divorce (cough).  Is stressful and i am smart nuff to know that my mind is not to be trusted these days.  Thankfully Sir found me and is making a wonderful difference in my life right now.  He has brought sunshine and laughter back into my life.  Not sure where O/our relationship is headed – but gonna enjoy the ride while it lasts.

Sir has been very kind and gracious enough to allow me to chat with A/anyone as long as I do not embarrass Him and Y/you are respectful of O/our relationship.

As to the incredibly young 23 year old domabe from California – congratulations.  It takes a lot to offend me.  Out of the 172 email messages I read, yours was the ONLY one that crossed the line.  But it is all good.  I have chalked up your very hateful and hurtful words to your youthful inexperience, alcohol and an overabundance of testosterone.  No worries man-child, if my assessment of you was/is wrong, there is a special place in hell reserved just for you.

Once again – i offer my apologies to one and all. 

wooooot.  if i was not plugged up in both holes, i would be doing the happy dance.  Spent lunchtime with my Sir.  He took me on a bit of a nature walk.  in the woods – communing and all that.  Not an easy thing in a very short skirt, no panties and sandals.  Sir found just the perfect secluded clearing with a tree for my punishment spot. 

Checking to make sure that I remembered why I was being punished, Sir had me assume to position against the tree.  I was shaking like a leaf.  Bending me over at the waist, He leaned over me and whispered  “not a sound, slut…  don’t make a sound.  Do you understand?”  I nodded.

So if a hand smacks an ass in the forest…..  yes – all was silent.  The birds, bees and even the squirrels were quiet as the sound of His hand smacking my ass echoed.  14 whacks and it was over.  I was one very happy slut.  Hurt like hell – but was so grateful that Sir did not use His belt or the clothes pins.

As He held me close – stroking my hair, He let me know that there would be no kisses.  Sir figured that one out in a big hurry.  He knows that denying me kisses hurts worse than a beating.  slut will not forget her journal entries again.

Then he bent me over again and proceeded to use me.  Oh my.  Those hard hands were now stroking my backside as he slid in and out of me.  I was so wet.  I whimpered as he withdrew – felt like a part of me went away.  Sir then plugged my ass, had me pick out a vibrator for the other hole and put me on my knees.  I was soooooooooo wet that they kept popping out.  Sir would not allow me to put on underwear to hold them in place.

As I was communing with Sir’s cock a thought entered my head.  I began praying that all the ants had drowned in the rains of the past several days.  I could feel the wet run down my thighs.  If Y/you just caught the visual in my mind Y/you would understand that I am pretty sure Sir appreciated my renewed intense efforts to commune.

W/we walked back to the picnic area, me throbbing and trying not to drip on the forest floor and Sir smiling.  Sir then allowed me to cum for him – twice.  He was rather impressed with the puddle.  Grins. 

Note to self:  pack bug spray in toy bag.

has been a good day.  slut is grateful to Sir for not punishing her as hard as He could have.  did the usual household stuff today - then Sir had me enter the video chatroom - strip and bind my breasts.  was not a bad tie job for a first try.  then Sir instructed me to place three clothespins on each nipple.  omg it hurt.  then i had to explain to Him why i was being punished.  everyone in the audience was waiting for Him to grant permission to remove the pins.  was a room full of sadists i think.  lol.   it hurt.  alot.  brought tears to my eyes.  thought i would hyperventilate.  yep - this slut definitely learned her lesson.  moderation in all things.... and refusing to obey is just not kewl.  ouch.

and throughout the whole day - Sir had me keep both holes plugged - with vibes.  i was not allowed to cum - until after punishment was over.  but i had a little accident.  was doing laundry - vibes going strong.  i tried sooooooooo hard to stop it.....  but i sneezed and came.  just a little one - but i was sooooooo afraid Sir would punish me more.  Sir told me that he would not punish me for that infraction - He understands that i need more training.  i was/am grateful.

after the punishment, Sir allowed me to cum for Him in the video room.  was a relief.  got the chair good and soaked in the process.  grins.  i was then given permission to exit the room, remove the plugs and take care of more household chores.  then Sir cammed with me privately and i was allowed to play for Him.  He allowed me to cum as many times as i could in 20 minutes.   after the 7th orgasm - i was begging to be allowed to stop.   am still shivering. 

Sir has begun my training program and I am so very excited.  Among the many goals in mind for me, Sir has placed added emphasis on me learning how to squirt.  As such,  I am requesting the assistance of my sisters in bondage.  I could really use some advice from those of you that are familiar with art of female ejaculation.  Please contact me with any advice, guidance and/or words of wisdom on the subject.  Thank you in advance!!!!!

the boundless imagination that has crept into your mind

pulls you a little deeper. what darkness you will find.

this journey started so long ago, it just took some time to emerge.

to capture you in its relentless grip, as thoughts and life converge.

as you drift away from the safety of a life once so dear,

the perils of your actions constantly drawing near.

bound by his timeless collar, you gladly pledge your soul

to the one that holds the leash, as you kneel into your role.

your flesh is his for pleasure now, your body to accept his pain.

your mind takes you still deeper, you cannot be free again.

rant on

honesty, loyalty and respect.... not only are these two way streets - but they form the very foundation of any and all relationships.

think about it.  do You carry the courage of Your convictions?

did i mention trust???

rant off

Rant On

OMG   and I do not even have a picture posted.  The email response to my new profile are simply overwhelming.  For those of You that knew me in my former self that have extended heartfelt well wishes, a shoulder to cry on and a willing ear.  Deeeep profound sincere curtsey.   For all other sincere well wishers  - my humblest thanks.
But.  I guess I need to expound a bit on myself to cut down on the mail traffic.  Here is an abbreviated list of my fatal flaws…..
Smoke          Drink          Snore          Married
Moody         Mouthy    Sarcastic     Irreverent
Although I am really into classic rock, country and western and other easy listening types of music….these lyrics caught my attention and are bouncing around in my head. 
My Chemical Romance  :

For what you did to me,
And what I'll do to you,
You get, what everyone else gets,
You get a lifetime!

Let's go!

Do you remember that day when we met
You told me this gets harder
Well it did!
Been holding on forever,
Promise me that when I'm gone you'll kill my enemies,
The damage you've inflicted temporary wounds
I'm coming back from the dead and I'll take you home with me
I'm taking back the life you stole

We never got that far,
This helps me to think all through the night
Bright lights that, won't kill me now, or tell me how
Just you and I, your starless eyes remain.

Hip Hip Hooray for me, you talk to me, but could you kill me in my sleep
Lay still like the dead
From the razor to the rosary
We could lose ourselves
And paint these walls in pitchfork red

I will avenge my ghost with every breath I take
I'm coming back from the dead and I'll take you home with me
I'm taking back the life you stole

This hole that you put me in
Wasn't deep enough
And I'm climbing out right now
You're running out of places to hide from me
When you go
Just know that I will remember you
If living was the hardest part
We'll then one day be together
And in the end we'll fall apart
Just as the leaves changing colors
And then I will be with you
I will be there one last time now 

Still wanna chat?    Then,  in the words that cost me a lot…… bring it on!