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After some considerable soul-searching, I am no longer available to men from this site.
Friends only.
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Alas, my love, you do me wrong,
To cast me off discourteously.
For I have loved you well and long,
Delighting in your company...
Alas, my love, that you should own
A heart of wanton vanity,
So must I meditate alone
Upon your insincerity...
I have been ready at your hand,
To grant whatever thou wouldst crave;
I have both wagered life and land,
Your love and good-will for to have. |
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An apparent necessary repost of a 2007 journal entry:
The recent phenomenon of late has been the contact of "Doms" visiting Cape Cod on vacation. i guess i must be the equilavent of a "submissive temp" for their vacation destination. i don't remember signing up for the "Fantasy Fulfillment Package" and yet it seems i have managed to promote myself in this fashion. Where? I ask. By merely being present on this site? It my profile so unclear? i imagine if One is competent enough to write an email extending an invitation to meet while on vacation, surely one is capable of reading my profile that states that for which i am open and available, i.e., a real time, long term relationship.
Should i be flattered by this attention or be further depressed by this continual disregard and indifference to my stated intent? i mean, i do not apply for jobs for which i am not qualified, while presently seeking additional part-time employment. Do they think i will change my mind....just this one time? lol. sigh. |
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I follow the Way of Love,
and where Love's caravan takes its path,
there is my religion, my faith.
-- Ibn 'Arabi
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i found a new job!  |
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My bedroom is so cold, i am wearing the hoodie on my robe.
i look like little red riding hood.  |
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Hopes dashed again. i guess i cannot attain the love. Not sure what i did this time to make this One go away...
All i know is i never meant to offend, and wish i knew what i did, so at a minimum, that i might learn from the experience.
sigh.  |
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Today is my last day at the beloved non-profit job.
i find myself unable to sleep, except for short periods of time.
my heart is so heavy. |
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i got laid off today; i am devastated. i worked for a local non-profit and really loved my job and the creative expression it allowed. |
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Autolyzed Yeast Extract IS MSG. Progresso and Campbell's Soups are both LYING to us all.
These companies continue with what the FDA has termed deceptive and misleading labeling.
Only if there is zero free glutamic acid in an end product can one legitimately claim that there is no MSG. Even if a manufacturer tells you there is no MSG in a product, there may be autolyzed yeast, hydrolyzed pea protein, carrageenan, sodium caseinate, enzymes, and a whole slew of other ingredients that contain or create processed free glutamic acid (MSG) during manufacture.
So whenever possible, opt for mom's homemade soup. 
This is the end of sexypet's public service announcement. |
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Another mammogram. Now i have a breast with a big square on it drawn in pen.
The square amuses me --although what potentially caused it to be there didn't. 
Everything is ok, though. |
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New pics of me as Queen Isabella of Spain (this year's Halloween costume) are up - towards the end of my pics. |
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And another year bites the dust.  |
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oh my god, i am so satisfied now.
i have been waiting weeks and weeks for my favorite episode of Friends to air, and it finally did tonight. (The One Where Everybody Finds Out)
Y'all should see my grin.
"...but they don't know we know they know we know..."
Yes, i know. i lead a sad, sad little life. |
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Once you have tasted flight,
you will forever walk the earth
with your eyes turned skyward,
for there you have been, and there
you will long to return.
-Leonardo da Vinci |
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My grandfather died tonight. i'll be gone for a few days.
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i'm starting to feel better. Thanks to all who've cared enough to ask.
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Surgery is today, Tues 6/24.
i am afraid. |
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That's it. i withdraw. i am more than the sum of some holes.
You win. Hope You're fucking happy. |
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i am angry. i am very angry. i need surgery, i am anxious and no i won't go into it, but being alone at times like these really sucks. |
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Anniversaries, sigh. i lost my virginity today 27 years ago.
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A Man who knows fear will be a Master who will not leave you to face yours alone.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you is the only Man truly worthy of being called Master. |
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When you learn to distinguish between the container and the contents, you will have attained wisdom.
-Idries Shah
There is an interesting paradox that the people who are possessed of abundant marketing appeal, who have a talent for acquiring lovers often for exactly the same reason are the people who have the greatest difficulty with sustained and sustaining intimacy. The question worth posing in addition to "would this person make an exciting and passionate lover" is "would this person be a good parent to my child". The point is not about children, the point is that what makes a good parent is what makes a good lover.
Love requires the ability, over an extended period of time, to be essentially present, intimate, to nurture, to support growth physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. Hot, sophisticated, beautiful, rich, powerful, however attractive these qualities are, must take their place alongside: real, wise, decent, open-hearted, honest, aware, responsive, generous, competent, compassionate. In sum, what we could call being capable of intimacy. Without that, without the capacity to be fully present, to love without being overwhelmed by fear or greed, everything else is mere entertainment, perhaps even great entertainment, but no more than that.
-Mark Baraz, R.I.P.
excerpted from his essay on The Craft of Intimacy
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So i find myself becoming more and more amused with men on this site who post headless photos on their profile.
Of course, that does eliminate any question as to what they might look like with their heads chopped off.
 giggles.  |
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who put the dead bird in my mailbox?
(This is a repost from the Best of Craig's List, NY, Date: 2008-04-20)
a) how did you get into my mailbox in the first place, it is locked
b) did you kill the bird
c) it died horribly, that much was clear
d) you're psycho
e) do I know you
f) if I do know you I don't want to know you
g) if I don't know you, what did I do to inspire you to put a dead bird in my mailbox
h) I don't know how to disinfect a mailbox from a dead bird, I'm worried about diseases and have used five different kinds of cleaner but still feel like the bird's still in there still and like my bills and my catalogues and my coupons have dead bird on them
i) it was a hummingbird, I looked it up - they don't even live in New York - this is so f*ing psycho, I can't believe this
j) are you the mailman?
k) I'm always nice to the mailman
l) the super didn't care when I told him what happened
m) the neighbors didn't care either
n) do you have some kind of problem with birds
o) don't put anything else in my mailbox
p) unless it's an apology
q) no, I take that back, I don't even want an apology
r) what am I supposed to do with this bird - it's in bubblewrap in a bag in a shoebox in the freezer right now - am I supposed to bury it - where? how? in a construction site where they've jackhammered through the concrete - where is a person supposed to bury things in this city?
s) I could drop it in the Gowanus canal, but that seems undignified
t) I could drop it in the ocean, but the ocean is so big and it is such a small bird
u) I could drop it in the toilet but it would probably get stuck
v) I hear this whirring around my ears every time I go to the mailbox and I'm pretty sure it's ghost bird, and I'm all "it wasn't me that killed you, bird!" but still the whirring doesn't go away until I get to the stairwell
w) am I supposed to eat it - maybe you were trying to feed me - don't you know I'm a vegetarian
x) if this was Ricky, I'm gonna beat your ass, mama told you stop bothering the zoo
y) if this was Gina, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, how many times I gotta say I'm sorry
z) I could drop it off the roof, maybe it will reincarnate while falling and I can start reading my mail again ... |
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Om-Bhur-Bhuvas-Suvah-Thath-Savithur-Varenyam-Bhargo-Dhevasya Dheemahi, Dheeyo yo nah Prachodayaath
"Oh all-protecting lord, please guide our intellects, so that we may proceed in the right direction towards enlightenment"
- the Gayatri Mantra that also happens to be the Theme song to the TV Series "Battlestar Gallactica." |
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"i suppose it's best not to hope so fervently for something that may never happen..." - Jane Austen, Sense & Sensibility
Sadly, a sentiment i understand all too well after all these years-- and especially of late. |
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"Beyond
the rim of the starlight
my love is wandering in starflight.
I know he´ll find in star clustered reaches love,
strange love a star woman teaches.
I know his journey ends never,
his star trek will go on forever.
But tell him
while he wanders his starry sea
remember, remember me..."
-Gene Roddenberry
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"There is no one who loves pain itself, who seeks after it and wants to have it, simply because it is pain..." -Cicero, 45 B.C.
(excerpted from de Finibus Bonorum et Malorum)
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i am thinking of leaving this site. i don't think You exist, and if You do, i am starting to feel it is no longer here that i will find You.
Adieu.  |
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i recently consulted the advice of a friend here about uneasy feelings and anger i was feeling towards a certain Dom with whom i was in communication, and this was His advice. It helped me, may it help others on their quest.
"I'm going to open by saying that the thoughts of any "Dom" or how they SAY you should be.... are no substitute for your own self-knowledge and intuition. A woman who was exploring all of this a while back, asked me what was "most important" for her to remember. I told her it was pretty simple, and it consisted of six parts......
1. You cannot surrender to, serve, or otherwise even have a relationship of any depth, with any degree of built-in safety....D/s community "advice" aside....with someone whom you have not taken the time to know - and moreover - has taken the time to know YOU. We're not talking weeks ....we're talking months.
2. No matter what anecdotal, warm fuzzy stories people tell, getting to "know" someone via online chats and email and phone conversations, is impossible. It is far too easy to hide things and to create a persona based on what that person is getting from you that you want/need. there is no substitute for looking into someone's eyes on a regular basis. The most you can do online and on the phone, is create a rough sketch. The rest has to come from experiencing a person, over a period of time, in their company.
3. "In their company" is not in their bed, or tied to something. Beware anyone who tells you that you somehow need to "prove" yourself to them. Beware someone wanting to "teach" you. Beware someone who claims to be able to somehow "analyze" you or predict your ability to succeed in all this. No such person exists save for a trained psychotherapist who has you under their care, and has spent hours learning about you. "Doms" are not blessed with clairvoyance, no matter how much someone tries to convince you otherwise. The best of us are intuitive, and have learned well how to "read" someone - but so have the most skilled predators among us.
4. By the very tenor of what we do, a Dominant must be a master manipulator. Remember, "The Force" in Star Wars? It's an odd concept to use as a reference, but it is basic enough that even a fictional concept can be useful to make my point. there was a good side to it and a "dark" side - just as there is positive, benevolent and desired manipulation worthy of being responded to, there is also dark, evil, malevolent manipulation that can destroy you.
5. Never, ever lose your self respect. Despite the sort of stupidity preached by some, who claim a "Dom" is owed respect just because he claims to be so ....."Master" anyone has to EARN your respect. It is not conferred on him by "title", no matter who he/she is inside or outside the community, and no matter who tells you they should be respected. EVERY "DOM or DOMME" WHO APPROACHES YOU NO MATTER WHO THEY ARE AND NO MATTER WHAT REFERENCES THEY HAVE AND NO MATTER WHAT THEIR CLAIMS - HAS TO EARN YOUR RESPECT AND SUBMISSION .
...and the big one......
6. Trust your little voice. Never go against it. Because of their roles in bringing offspring into the world and their need to protect those offspring, and because of the relative sexual and heirarchal roles of man and woman, nature has given women a tremenduosly effective "sixth sense" and ability to perceive danger, and things that do not add up, or do not seem "right". If somehting bothers you about a situation or a person - trust that voice inside you. " |
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i have grown weary of the wait.
If You are capable of doing something other than wasting my time, feel free to message me. If not...stay home, masturbate and spare me the false hope.  |
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i've been sick with a cold. All i want to do is sleep...or, um well You know. So if my replies are belated, i apologize in advance.  |
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i hate today. 
And while this day last year, for the first time in a very long time, was a most happy one -- that happiness was quite fleeting in the end.
i wish it were tomorrow already. |
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"Today I am
A small blue thing
Like a marble
Or an eye
With my knees against my mouth
I am perfectly round
I am watching you
I am cold against your skin
You are perfectly reflected
I am lost inside your pocket
I am lost against
Your fingers
I am falling down the stairs
I am skipping on the sidewalk
I am thrown against the sky
I am raining down in pieces
I am scattering like light
Scattering like light
Scattering like light
Today I am
A small blue thing
Made of china
Made of glass
I am cool and smooth and curious
I never blink
I am turning in your hand
Turning in your hand
Small blue thing"
-Suzanne Vega |
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i am really missing New Haven Pizza today.
You, Massachusetts folks have no idea of what pizza can truly be. 
lol. |
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Trolls, trolls, trolls. This page is often frequented by trolls. Do not feed the trolls by attempting to argue with them.
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This is an actual letter from an Austin , TX woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets
rolling after the first paragraph...
Dear Mr. Middle Management:
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting
right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll
be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred Hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grays Anatomy was
written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to Reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the l east bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my
maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull shit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
No wonder i use tampax. |
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While my intention was to be at the Fetish Flea in Providence, RI on Saturday, i will not be. Just seems a long way to go to have everyone take off early to go watch football.
Perhaps next year.
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i want cookies. |
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i've been elfed! 
If Y/you want to see what i mean, send me an email and i'll send Y/you the link.
For some reason the link isn't clickable, so just cut and paste it in a new browser window and enjoy! |
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Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble...
and nooooooooooooooooo, i do not mean THAT. 
giggles. |
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With my bad news i received today, came the period to place at the end of the hope i sustained for a relationship that seemed destined to never work out. Goodbye hope, you'll be missed.  |
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w a h .  |
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"Giants come
and Giants go
And They leave Their mark
on the foot filled snow.
i follow
losing faith as i go..
i can't fill the holes
where my feet should go.
Going no where...
Leaving nothing...
Doing nothing wrong...
But i'm not giving
All there is to give,
Still i do big things i believe in.
Well, i'm no Giant,
But i'll walk tall
if i keep climbing, keep climbing."
-Tracy Bonham
Farewell, MtS.
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The little girl in me was sad today. 
The swings at Corporation Beach have been taken in for winter already. |
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i was taken to the ER by my parents last night.
News at 11. |
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Consumer Alert: Salad Spinners from OXO are NOT dishwasher safe -- regardless of what the packaging says. One present down, let's see what else i can destroy in one day or less.
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Tomorrow, i turn 41. You are now looking at the profile of an official spinster. lol.
Spinster: A woman who has remained single beyond the conventional age for marrying.
Maybe i should change my name to spinsterpet. Being a sexypet seems to be getting me no where.
WhatdYa think? Should i paint a few gray hairs in for authenticity's sake? |
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All i can say is that "Side Order of Life" tv show on Lifetime needs to stop stealing its script ideas from my actual life.  |
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"If you hold onto the handle," she said, "it's easier to maintain the illusion of control. "
"But it's more fun if you just let the wind carry you..."
-Story People 
by Brian Andreas |
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Someone please look at me.
i am feeling very unloved lately.
giggles and hides. |
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Dearest Sirs, i've reordered (and in some cases, removed) my photos due to the nature of my new employment. The photos are still available upon request.  |
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| What American accent do you have? (If you would like the link to the quiz, just email me.)
Your Result: The Northeast
Judging by how you talk you are probably from north Jersey, New York City, Connecticut or Rhode Island. Chances are, if you are from New York City (and not those other places) people would probably be able to tell if they actually heard you speak. |
| The Midland |
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| The Inland North |
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| Philadelphia |
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| Boston |
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| The West |
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| The South |
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| North Central |
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"Watch while the queen
In one false move
Turns herself into a pawn
Sleepy and shaken
And watching while the blurry night
Turns into a very clear dawn
Do you love any, do you love none,
Do you love many, can you love one,
Do you love me?
One false move
And a secret prophecy
Well, if you hold it against her,
First hold it up and see
That it's one side stone
One side fire
Standing alone among all men's desire
They want to know
Do you love any, do you love none,
Do you love many, can you love one,
Do you love me?
Do you love any , do you love one
Do you love twenty, can you love on,
Do you love me?
And if you wonder
What I am doing
As I am heading
For the sink
I am spitting out all the bitterness
Along with half of my last drink
I am thinking
Of your woman
Who is crying in the hall
It's like drinking gasoline
To quench a thirst
Until there's nothing there left at all
"Walk on the blind side"?
Was the answer to the joke
It's said there isn't a political bone
In her body
She would rather be a riddle
But she keeps challenging the future
With a profound lack of history
And watch while the queen
In one false move
Turns herself into a pawn
Sleepy and shaken
And watching while the blurry night
Turns into a very clear dawn
Do you love me?"
Suzanne Vega, Knight Moves. |
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Why, yes. Ravioli can, too, be a finger food!
especially portobello mushroom ones...licks her fingers.
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Why is it always because You're fucked up, that i get fucked over? 
sarcasm, people, sarcasm. |
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Prolonged silence as a form of communication is the same as emotional sadism to me.
And i am no masochist.
i think it is an inconsiderate way to treat someone nice like me. |
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i had (what i thought was) a really great date last night with Tantresha. And no...You can't have the details! |
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The State of sexypet, August 2007.
About a year or so ago, i would on occasion be taken to lunch by a Dom whom i greatly respect. Life has interfered over the last year, and while i no longer see Him in person as often as i once enjoyed, i do get the pleasure of speaking with Him often on the phone and more often than not, at His initiation.
i've been told that i am pretty, bright....eager. It just seems so sad that i cannot seem to find that which i crave so desperately...the touch and attentions of a Dominant man worthy of kneeling in front of in a real time, long term, monogamous relationship.
And while accepting the attentions of Those whose situation would not serve me or my needs long term, it seems now i do not even have that. Additionally, my former Master-- who claimed to, yet again and quite recently-- be interested in reconciling, has "disappeared" again. Well to be accurate, He appears, here, but won't correspond with me. It's hard to move forward without closure or explanation. It seems to me that if You, at a minimum, cannot be forthright, then do not dabble in this lifestyle. My heart is real, and i do bleed, and i have grown quite tired of the taste of my tears.
The recent phenomenon of late has been the contact of "Doms" visiting Cape Cod on vacation. i guess i must be the equilavent of a "submissive temp" for their vacation destination. i don't remember signing up for the "Fantasy Fulfillment Package" and yet it seems i have managed to promote myself in this fashion. Where? I ask. By merely being present on this site? It my profile so unclear? i imagine if One is competent enough to write an email extending an invitation to meet while on vacation, surely one is capable of reading my profile that states that for which i am open and available, i.e., a real time, long term relationship.
Should i be flattered by this attention or be further depressed by this continual disregard and indifference to my stated intent? i mean, i do not apply for jobs for which i am not qualified, while presently seeking additional part-time employment. Do they think i will change my mind....just this one time? lol. sigh.
i was a lucky lil' girl. i was deeply cherished by my grandmother and am deeply cherished by my mother as well. And i find myself growingly frustrated by my inability to locate one man who sees me for who i really am; is available to provide the touch and attention i need to thrive; AND is available to partner with me and grow with me in the direction i seek.
i may fade from Your view shortly, Gentleman. After almost 4 years, i am genuinely starting to believe that "He" is not coming to find me...at least not here. The ever growing mound of unseemly, deceiving and disingenous offers which have seem to become the norm here are becoming increasingly oppressive and have begun to weigh on my submissive soul.
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Apparently expressing an opinion around here is tantamount to becoming a pariah. Those seeking empty vessels need not apply. |
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i wish we'd stayed with Sextillus... 
excerpted from an editorial i read today:
August connotes the dignity that comes with age and experience, a suitable name for the season that blends the waning idylls of summer into the brisker tempos of fall. But forget that definition; the reason for the name is elsewhere.
When Julius Caesar in 45 B.C. straightened out the confusing calendar that began the year in March, the Roman Senate named July for him. After his grandnephew Augustus avenged his assassination and became emperor, the Senate honored him by renaming Sextillus — the name for not what you might be thinking but the sixth month of the old calendar. We still have September (seventh month), October (eighth month) and so forth, but August instead of Sextillus.
Whilst August yet wears her golden crown,
Ripening fields lush-bright with promise;
Summer waxes long, then wanes, quietly passing
Her fading green glory on to riotous Autumn."
— From "August's Crown,"
by Michelle L. Thieme
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"i got so much to ask You
It's never the time
Why would i spoil a perfect evening?
We've gotten this far on being polite
Besides, i know You're proud of me
When i was made
Did they leave out a part?
Did You know this
And choose to guard the secret?
You said everybody's born
With a beautiful heart
What was wrong with mine and
Why did You leave it?
If i start to cry, i may not stop
Love runs dry, i run off
Can You help me with this heart
Inside my chest?
It ain't perfect
But You should see me use it
But it only works when i make a mess
When it looks like i'm about to lose it
If i start to cry, i may not stop
Love runs dry, i run off...."
-Edie Carey, "If I start to cry"
You can hear this song on CDBABY from her album "When I Was Made" |
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 Well seems that was premature. :( hopefully temporary.
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 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and that is all i am going to say for now.
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"Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.
And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.
You fasten my seatbelt because it is the law.
In your two ton death trap I finally saw.
A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret.
Then you drove me to places I'll never forget.
And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.
And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys."
-Ingrid Michaelson
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Yes, truth is stranger than fiction. i am a geek, as many of You know, in fact --i am a Star Trek Original Series geek. And to this end, i did indeed do a pointellism of Capt Kirk for an Art Class project as a Sophomore in High School. giggles.  |
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If i wanted to date a man who disappears, I'd date David Copperfield. |
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Well, i had my first mammogram today.
While i stood there getting my rather large (46FF) breasts smushed, i was thinking of how many of You sadists would have enjoyed seeing that.
giggles.   |
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Today the sky stole its clouds from a Maxfield Parrish painting...oh my, what a beautiful sight.  |
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To quote Judge Judy, "When it doesn't make sense....it isn't the truth."
It's a sobering day when you wake up and are informed that you are just one little one in a long line of little victims to Another's dating pathology.
Otherwise defined as "Dominant when convenient."
 ::shakes her head and moves on:: |
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Fear not, Sirs, my pics will be back shortly -- i re-ordered them and added a few -- and apparently they are taking a long time for approval. |
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"Hope... like dread, it often comes unannounced and then thankfully intoxicates us and innoculates our feelings with an irrational sense of joy and optimism. Hope is the high. Dread is the low. I guess life is the stuff in between." -Allison Dubois, 'Medium'  |
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In case Y'All haven't noticed..."Dominant" has the word "Do" in it.  |
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i've been sucking my thumb lately. Wonder what that means? 
giggles. |
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wah.  |
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i feel so invisible here lately. |
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 Ok....i am at the precipice ready to jump. The hard drive on my laptop died and the image backup i made was apparently corrupt, so i have to rebuild my system from scratch. So the nice Dell guy installs my new blank hard drive today and i go to load windows....and i learn what Dell originally sent me 2 years ago when i bought the laptop -- THE SPANISH VERSION OF WINDOWS. So now i cannot rebuild my system until Tues and i work in accounting. Looks at the calendar and melts down. Oh yeah, that means all the unedited photos might be gone too.  |
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i must be feeling better...i am craving sex again. i must have been really ill the last 2 weeks, because it is completely out of character for me to have not craved it in all this time. i hope none of Y/you get that stomach virus i had, as i was completely miserable...and apparently temporarily insane!  |
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Love. Loss. now Loneliness.
i am drowning in L's  |
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i certainly never meant by that last entry that Y'All should ignore me now....pouts. i've been sick in bed with the stomach flu since Saturday, hence my physical presence here 24/7. wah.  |
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i just would like to take the opportunity to thank so many of Doms here who held my hand through these last few dark days. You know who You are and i am so very grateful. While my disappointment in what happened remains, i feel like i can start to slowly move forward now and tend to what is needed in my life. Again, thank You All.  |
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if i could change one thing, i would not have woken up yesterday. Perhaps the Universe will be kind for once, and i won't wake up tomorrow. |
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Should You decide to contact me, all i ask is that You be capable of being completely open and honest at all times, and have the skillset to handle my being that way as well. Asking me to always tell You the truth about my feelings and what i am thinking and then punishing me for expressing this - albeit truth You don't like -is not the sort of management from a Dom that i seek.
i cannot express how deeply disappointed i am in this ending, and i do not think i will ever truly understand why people purposely and repeatedly make choices that are so deeply hurtful, and self-defeating. i was so close to my goal...and i wonder when i will be able to see through my tears again. i feel like i am drowning. |
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 this pet is presently under consideration by WaSir42 from this site. Correspondence is welcome and encouraged. Pics and play requests must go directly to Him, although i have it on good authority He is not willing to share me -- at least just not yet. 
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i wore the bit gag by myself tonight while torturing other "bits". Trying (and failing) to forget what was lost. Did i ever really have it? |
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i am so sad. i bought 100' of teal 5/16" nylon rope and a bit gag at the Fetish Flea and now i have no One to play with me anymore.  |
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 i guess the key words in that last entry were "waiting for it to become a reality". i still am...or was, should i say.
i'm suspect i'm available again, if Anyone cares. |
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there was a very hopeful turn of events today, and i cannot wait for it to become a reality...each day. |
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Sometimes, i am so completely stunned at the inconsideration of others that i so often experience in my daily life. Other people do exist, and have feelings that should be guarded with care.
There was a time when integrity and honor had worth, when being a caring, considerate, decent person was expected. It disgusts me that i have to even specify here that these traits are desireable. Time was and not so long ago, that a man was considered only as good as His word. If He broke it, He was ostracized.
Open and honest communication, however brief, is the minimum a relationship should have. To speak of behaving one way and then choosing over and over again to act another, is choosing to be perceived as a fraud. Words are meaningless unless backed up by action.
Some people laugh at me when i quote Dr. Laura's 3 C's: character, courage and conscience. But in this respect, she is spot on. We all have the freedom to do good.
Submissive does not equal dismissive. |
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Please do let me know if You plan on attending this weekend's Fetish Flea in Danvers, MA.
i am not staying at the hotel, but there are several of You i would love to meet in person during Saturday's activities. 
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dizzy. happy. yum. more later.  |
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Dear candle, will you light me to my room?
"Yes, Mistress, I will light you all the way."
And shadow, will you lead me in the gloom?
"I’ll dance along with you as close as I may."
Then I’ll climb up these steep and narrow stairs
With no more fear of monsters above.
Your holy light will shine amid my prayers
And I shall sleep within the arms of Love.
-Rachel Ellis Kaufman, "My Candlestick" excerpted from "My Haunted House"
i am still wondering how i went from the Arms of Love to the Shadow's Gloom in just one day.  |
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"No boy is worth crying over. And the One who is, won't make you cry." Sarah Kane, age 10
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Today's Horoscope: "No matter how hard you try, you just can't read this person's mind. Save your sanity and stop overanalyzing all their words and actions. Forget about what they might have 'really' meant. Concentrate on your own life."
Amen.
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Happy New Year! There's a rainbow ring around the moon tonight on Cape Cod... |
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And so it goes, and so it goes,
And so will You, too, soon, i suppose...
Good riddance 2006. |
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Season's Greetings E/everyone...whatever Y/your season is.... giggles. |
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It's all Star Trek's fault i tell Y/you...
The episode Space Seed (original series, You know, the one with Khan) aired again tonight...and i realize how this all got started: between my teenage obsession with young Capt Kirk and this episode (my favorite) with Dominant Khan, played exquisitely by Ricardo Montalban, i never stood a chance. swoons. |
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Happy Halloween! i added several new pics (and deleted some old ones). They are littered all throughout, in no particular order..so be sure to scroll through all 14!
"Raven hair and ruby lips,
Sparks fly from her fingertips
Echoed voices in the night,
She's a restless spirit on an endless flight
Ooh, ooh, witchy woman, see how high she flies
Ooh, ooh, witchy woman, she got the moon in her eye..."
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For those of You who might be interested, i've listed some of my Wicca books and witchcraft jewelry and accessories on eBay this week. Please contact me directly for a link to my auctions. |
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i am absolutely not turning 40 tomorrow...NO no no no no no no no no no no - it's not true....lalalalalalalala i can't hear You Father Time.......(covers her ears) |
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it would appear that officially i am a Catherinette. How fitting that for my 40th birthday, i had my print of St. Catherine from the National Gallery of London framed as a present to myself.
She looks like a tarot card in this painting. i love it. |
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The user known as "sexypet" (journal editors: that's me) died again (after a brief resurrection) on 9/7/06 at 11:49pm from sensual starvation.
R.I.P.
"But it has gone on too long, my soul wandering through these dark rooms. It has become a pattern that is a dark room in itself." -Anne Rampling, Belinda |
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why does it always fall apart before it even starts? |
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The Trivia Challenge is ended. i see next time i need to put a cap or limit on these things! Thank You to all the Sirs who view my profile so regularly.
Someone touch me already. pouts. |
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Scarlett Johansson is a lucky girl. In the mid-90's, she got to call Sean Connery, "Daddy". Those who can name the movie, will receive an unedited photo from the series shown here... |
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Today, i was told i am like a Harley Davidson...built for comfort, not for speed.
lol. |
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i saw the best t-shirt today:
333
I'M ONLY HALF EVIL...
lol... |
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Trip to CT back on, Tues - Thurs this week... |
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Trip to Ct postponed...sigh. |
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heading to CT for a few days... |
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My Very Best
"Give that girl my very best
Though it never made the grade
When it seems that it’s just not enough to love
Then love lie down
And would you tell her
Not to talk as if I died
Though a tiny part just did
And would you tell her
I’m from a long line of survivors
And I’ll be swinging with the kids
Keep your sympathy
Don’t need the healing to start
You’ve gone
Gone and made a beautiful hole in my heart
In the corner of the room
In the room we used to love
Of the love we should say this
There were switches never flicked
Long away and far apart
That’s how forest fires start
Start again it felt like this
Fresh and simple as a kiss
I bounce these feelings off the moon
The echoes don’t come back
Keep your sympathy
Don’t need the healing to start
You’ve gone
Gone and made a beautiful hole in my heart."
-Elbow, Leaders of the Free World |
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i am not used to hiding anything about myself or about my life to others...and i made an innocent mistake this weekend...and Someone has seen fit to crucify me for what was neither a willful nor malicious act. i do not think this is very fair. One should not be held in contempt for what their friends do or say, especially when talking about their own life. And if He really thinks i did this on purpose, then He never really knew me, and perhaps i never knew Him either. |
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i see now that, once again, i am completely alone. |
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 For those looking for me, there is a distinct possibility my hair might be up in a "french twist" tomorrow to help this little pet combat the heat at the BCA... |
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my plan is to attend the Fetish Flea in Boston this Saturday...do let me know if You plan on attending. |
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i took a break from working on my tax extension and spent a few hours late this afternoon, early evening, walking the shore on Corporation Beach, reading the New Bottoming book and enjoying a wonderful cool breeze in my hair and very cool water on my feet. i love the way my feet feel buried in sand, too-- a sort of earthly bondage. And afterwards, i treated myself to take out clam chowder from Scargo's on the way home. i cannot express how surreal it is to be down the road every day from such gorgeous sunsets and a glistening ocean. |
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i went Yard Saling today, and what lucky finds. The item of most interest was a brown leather crop, originally bought at Harrod's in London. It even has a silver manufacturer's mark on the tip, and while not black in color as i would have preferred, certainly a crop of greater character and pedigree, lol, than the standard ones made in China that are available at the shops in P-Town... |
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i do not matter.
i no longer mind anymore.
she does not exist, because He never did.
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"You're not who you used to be, or at least not to me.
A ghost on a movie screen is what you seem.
Now you're the one to let the sun fall down
like a stone in a river.
You steal the blood inside of me. I can't bleed.
This is a lovesong for the loveless and the hopeless.
You can be certain that I'm with you when I sing.
This is a lovesong for the desperate and the lonely.
You could have nothing but you'll still have me.
Gone like the sound of your voice or a passing minute.
Blown like your hair in the breeze.
You are the one to let our star fall down like a stone in a river.
You stole the life inside of me. I can't breathe.
This is a lovesong for the loveless and the hopeless.
You can be certain that I'm with you when I sing.
This is a lovesong for the desperate and the lonely.
You could have nothing but you'll still have me.
There's a part of me that dies when you turn away your eyes.
I'm alive but not inside.
And you know all I wanted was your love,
but you left me high and dry.
You're the part of me that died my darling.
Now that I'm dead to you dear,
you can slip those bullets back in your lips where they seethe.
You were the one to gun our love straight down
like a stone in a river.
You shot your favorite enemy.
Watch me bleed.
This is a lovesong for the loveless and the hopeless.
You can be certain that I'm with you when I sing.
This is a lovesong for the desperate and the lonely.
You could have nothing but you'll still have me." - The Juliana Theory |
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i am beginning to wonder when honesty became the last resort. |
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my parents called me in to dog sit...as i am about to become an aunt for the first time! |
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"Any experiment of interest in life will be carried out at your own expense." -excerpted from the movie The Libertine. |
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Well my horoscope for today could not be more accurate, sadly: "There's always another side to the story. Don't accept this at face value. Go ahead and probe at what's beneath the surface. What you discover will shed a whole new light on the situation and your place in it."
i had a rude awakening last night that stains the end of the wonderful weekend i had. |
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i had a very nice holiday weekend with my Dom friend from Albany, who came to visit me for the second time on Cape Cod. W/we ate well, shopped even more, and had an all around lovely time. He treats me like a princess. i am sad He has gone home now and even sadder He lives so far away.
He bought several items of interest in Provincetown yesterday, and no matter what He says, they are NOT being used on my flesh! ::presses the "limit" button:: |
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"Love: emotional rose.
Smell and sight define beauty;
The thorn implies pain." -haiku, Shikishima |
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"Alas, my love, You do me wrong,
To cast me off discourteously.
For i have loved you well and long,
Delighting in Your company.
Your vows you've broken, like my heart,
Oh, why did You so enrapture me?
Now i remain in a world apart
But my heart remains in captivity.
i have been ready at Your hand,
To grant whatever You would crave,
i have both wagered life and land,
Your love and good-will for to have.
If You intend thus to disdain,
It does the more enrapture me,
And even so, i still remain
A lover in captivity."
-excerpted from Greensleeves |
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i think the worst thing You can do to a person is give them hope, when You have no intention of living up to the expectations You put in play. |
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"What i am to you is not real
What i am to you you do not need
What i am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And i'll ask for the sea" -Damien Rice
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 i lost my virginity 25 yrs ago today. it's odd how much of the time i still feel 14 inside. |
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Silly Pet Humor
THE DOG'S DIARY:
7 am- Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
8 am- Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am- Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon- Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
2 pm- Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
3 pm- Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm- Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6 pm- Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!
7 pm- Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!
8 pm- Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 pm- Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
11 pm- Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!
THE CAT'S DIARY:
Day 183 of my captivity...
My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Maybe I should try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little kitty cat I was. This is not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing something called "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.
The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait.
It's only a matter of time. |
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Yesterday was Master Soul's birthday. Even though W/we no longer speak...i hope it was happy.
i look forward to the day when i can be Someone else's princess again. |
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Words like violence
Break the silence
Come crashing in
Into my little world
Painful to me
Pierce right through me
Can't you understand
Oh my little girl
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm
Vows are spoken
To be broken
Feelings are intense
Words are trivial
Pleasures remain
So does the pain
Words are meaningless
And forgettable
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm
Enjoy the silence
-Depeche Mode |
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"As long as i have a want,
i have a reason for living.
Satisfaction is death." |
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What i wouldn't give to the Sir who attempted to impress me. |
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On the Jung Typology Test i am a ESFJ. For Those who care to know such things. Extroverted Sensing Feeling Judging
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"But it has gone on too long, my soul wandering through these dark rooms. It has become a pattern that is a dark room in itself."
-Anne Rampling, Belinda
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"He set the world aflame,
And laid me on the same;
A hundred tongues of fire
Lapped round my pyre.
And when the blazing tide
Engulfed me, and I sighed,
Upon my mouth in haste
His hand He placed. "
-Rumi
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i am so exhausted from the Sirs who feel that waving pics of their plus sized magic wand via email should earn my instant submission, and as a result fail to have the skill set to properly capture this girl's mind. You are not Dominant, just Arrogant, and have allowed Your wand to do the work Your mind should have been doing all along. |
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a prayer.... sent to me by my father...lol
"Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen." |
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"And i just got done ogling your pictures....a hobby now, it seems. "
i receive the nicest mail some days...  |
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Happy Valentine's Day to the One i haven't met yet...i know You're out there somewhere, please come find me already...please.  |
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Where are the Ones who know that owning my mind is far more important than owning my ass? Please tell me so that i may advertise there. |
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i cannot believe i am crying myself to sleep yet again. And here i thought my move would be beneficial. |
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yes... i am a bit of a pleasure slut...Your point? |
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"My worthiness is all my doubt,
His merit all my fear,
Contrasting which, my qualities
Do lowlier appear;
Lest i should insufficient prove
For His beloved need,
The chiefest apprehension
Within my loving creed.
So i, the undivine abode
Of His elect content,
Conform my soul as 't were a church
Unto her sacrament."
-Love's Humility., Emily Dickinson
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i no longer feel i can endure the recurring disappointment residing on this site brings on a daily basis. i've longed for connection so long my nerve endings are numb. |
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"...it's a big girl world now
full of big girl things
and everyday i wish i was small."
-excerpted from Scratch by Kendall Payne |
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Went to the Fetish Flea, and i wore my pigtails and not only did no one approach me, no one pulled them anywhere!
Pics of my SOME of my new collars i purchased today are towards the end of my photos here. |
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At the Fetish Flea tomorrow, i will be wearing a black t-shirt with the Happy Bunny that says "Let's focus on me." lol.
Ok, i might go in pigtails - let's see what the hair fairy brings tomorrow. (Pigtails are not easy with side parted hair!) |
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So i've been contemplating attending the Flea on my own...and deciding whether to wear pigtails or not.
So, the Sirs who read this should advise me, and please include why i should wear them -- or not. |
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"My mood is a barometer.
Of molten inner weather.
My actions aim to regulate.
My wrists require a tether...."
-excerpted from Weather Station
by Jonathan Mayo
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i feel a sin coming on... |
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my horoscope for today: "You more than most people cannot live as a self-contained, self-sufficient unit. You need friendship, companionship, beauty, romance, and the give and take of human relationships in order to feel fully alive."
i couldn't agree more. |
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i get a lot of nice emails from prospective Doms...but today's sang to me:
"your beauty is stunning...and so erotic...what a wonderful sub you would be..."
Hopefully i will, someday.  |
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i feel like Rapunzel.
Somebody come get me already. |
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Hmm...i wonder who will take me to the Fetish Flea this January 27-29th, 2006?  |
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Funny Horoscope today: "Some people just love to use the words 'can't,' 'shouldn't' and 'impossible.' Let's face it -- they're lame. While it's healthy to see and set realistic limitations, life is about testing your boundaries and trying your hardest."
Double entendre anyone? |
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Well i spoke with Someone on the phone at length the other day who really interested me...and thought something might come of it, but i guess not. Such is the normal course of my life. i leave for CT tomorrow and i really do not have time to cry today. |
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"How many days must i hope and pray
For the One that i crave to come my way?"
~Veronica Chase |
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Tonight, i was little bit lonely, as i had no one to chat with online...(everyone went to bed it seems...) and low and behold, my favorite movie "Kate & Leopold" came on tv...and all was right in my world. 
sighs...Where's my Leopold? |
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"My soul was an old horse
offered for sale in twenty fairs..."
~Patrick Kavanaugh |
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How can i hear You when You have nothing to say?
Please do not message me with an empty profile.  |
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 yep, i am a drama queen. Someone find me a Master to control me already. Pretty please? (tilts head with raised eyebrows)
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i came to realize today, that this is never really going to happen for me. Please do not contact me. This pet has given up. |
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it's kind of a shame...all this new lingerie going to waste in my closet. |
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Today's experience was even more intense than the other... Am i gonna sleep good tonight!
And no, i will not elaborate on what happened...sorry, Sirs. |
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i had the most intense experience tonight. omg. |
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Happy Thanksgiving to all the Sirs and subbies out there....ok all the Switches, too, lol.
 gobble, gobble.... |
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Fair Weather Doms need not apply. |
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WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH |
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Open Letter to A/all Correspondents:
i am in the middle of my move and once i am settled i will reply to A/all correspondence; please forgive the delay.......pretty please? |
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"a little less conversation, a little more action please." Yeah, what she said. |
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i thought something was happening, but i guess not. |
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Goodbye, Connecticut.
Hello, Massachusetts. |
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Several flattering emails in the IN BOX today...Too bad there is never anything actually IN MY BOX, lol.
"what u r is fucking sexy,,,,,,,,,I dont qualify,,,,,,im not local, im marrried, honest, blunt, etc,,,,,,just here in boston on business,,,,,,,and IF I was on the market,,,,,,,,,,you would be off the market,,,,,,,,,I fit ALL the categories,,,,,,,,well,,,,,,,almost,,,,,,be well and god bless the man who is honest and takes you to be his,,,,,,,,,,,,,"
"good lord you are sexy..... "
"
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If i were to define myself by a piece of art lately, Francis Darby's "Disappointed Love" would be an appropriate choice. |
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omg....You can see the stars at night here. i forgot how much i missed that.
Something to look forward to every night....no ambient light from too many humans in too small a space... and the chance to wish upon a star once again... |
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i am starting to feel really overwhelmed by all my stuff...the quote from the movers was so expensive (apparently i am a "collector"-whatever that means...lol) that i have to make a few extra trips by myself -- with my bad knees and all. insert a really deep sigh here.
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omg how am i going to sell all this furniture? |
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a Master (not mine), named Mike seems to think i need my edges smoothed.
Any takers? |
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OK people: read this carefully. i cannot keep explaining this.
1. i have not moved to the Cape yet.
2. i have a buyer for my CT home, but it is not closing until 10/24.
3. My closing for the Cape is set for 11/1.
So....
i appreciate all the well wishes in my move, in selling my house that has sold, etc, really i do. i just would appreciate, a bit more, a little bit of reading retention by the masses.
P.S. i am home sick and my bedroom is filled with the scent of pussy. Enough said.  |
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Many of You ask for updates on my living situation.
i sold my CT house today, with the closing set for Oct 24th...it was all of 3 days on the market (i keep a nice house ;)
i imagine i will be moving to Cape Cod the weekend before...
i have furniture to sell...eventually i will have a website up with photos...of the furniture, that is. |
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There's nothing quite like finding out that people you thought were your friends....really aren't. |
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Why is it that so many CT Doms contact me once i am leaving CT????? |
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i attended the most beautiful evening wedding today...candlelit, 3 person choir, small orchestra in a Gothic Church in CT.
i turn 39 in a month...and i can't even find Someone who treats me well.
i hope the Cape has more in store for me than CT ever did. |
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as of today, i am moving to Cape Cod, MA. |
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my friend who is tall and brilliant thinks i should put this as my profile (lol):
-take off the plea to male subs
and then just say:
"i am a one in a million girl - Mark says so - who seeks to give and receive pleasure and love and sexual submission in the context of a monogomous relationship with a man who:
-has a clue
-is a Dominant in all aspects of His life, not merely someone who buys Himself a cowboy hat, has no horse and no cattle and calls Himself a cowboy. (i am severely allergic to horses btw)
i have Gemini rising, so i will go from snarling at You to spontaneously coming at the sound of Your voice with no warning. If You do not want to deal with a whole lot of trouble, i am not the girl for You. However, if You comprehend that it is in no way personal, but just the way i am drawn (cf Jessica Rabbit not being bad) then bring it on.
But, please do not be confused. I AM A 'SEXUAL SUBMISSIVE', NOT AN 'OVERALL IN ALL SITUATIONS SUBMISSIVE'. But if W/we disagree about who takes out the trash or whether George Bush Jr is a putz, do not be surprised if i give as strong a blow as any man - mentally and spiritually that is.
i am - Mark says so and He would know - a one in a million girl. If You wish to Dom this girl, then be a one in a million man.
All others, the best of luck and go away."
Clearly, my friend, Mark is unusual, lol.
Seduce my mind. i dare You. |
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It amazes me that Dominants read through this profile and this journal and not see that i am high maintenance. At a minimum, i think being Dominant requires One to be observant, lol. |
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i am beginning to wonder if my profile name should have been "solonelyithurts".
 |
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i have to say i am really really depressed about this whole process.
Interview me all You want, but when all You ask me are questions about what sex tricks i can do for You - instead of being concerned about how to get into my head, well then You are not going to get very far with me.
Mind first, body follows. All those things that all of You ask of me that are on my limits list, i would have gladly done for Master Soul as He knew how i was wired. |
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a spiritual Master tonight wished me sweet dreams...and i realized that i no longer have sweet dreams, but that i merely wish to get through the day without being hurt yet again... |
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For a brief moment this weekend, i had a taste of what i really want.
It was fleeting, but i appreciate the reminder to focus on my goal, and to not settle for less than i crave...it does, at the same time, make me want to give up, though.
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Someone out there is directing a lot of sexual energy in my direction....
OMG i feel hollow. |
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i swear all i want to do today is fuck.
 |
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"when I come to terms
to terms with this
when I come to terms
with this
when I come to terms
to terms with this
my world will change
for me
I haven’t moved since
the call came
since the call came
I haven’t moved
I stare at the wall
knowing on the other side
the storm that waits for me
then the Seated Woman
with a Parasol
may be the only one
you can’t Betray
if I’m the Seated Woman
with a Parasol
I will be safe
in my frame
I have no need
for a sea view
for a sea view
I have no need
I have my little
pleasures
this wall being one of these
when I come to terms
to terms with this
when I come to terms
with this
when I come to terms
with this whip lash
of Silk on wool embroidery
then the Seated Woman
with a Parasol
may be the only one
you can’t betray
if I’m the Seated Woman
with a Parasol
I will be safe
in my frame
I will be safe
in my frame
in your House
in your frame" -Tori Amos, Parasol |
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My horoscope for the day: "You have a million friends who would love to see you. And spend time with you. Maybe you should all go out into the world. Where there are other single people... "
Yeah, um, preaching to the choir, Universe. i certainly need to move beyond this place where i am presently, where i feel i am being held in an emotional prison.
There is one of You who has shown me that They don't care about my feelings, and in the end, that is all i really need to know. |
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i met a fascinating man online a few weeks ago, who thinks He is tall and silent, and while He may be tall, He is anything but "silent". Unfortunately, 3,000 miles separates U/us, and W/we spent a great deal of time on the phone determining the many ways in which He cannot be trusted and the many ways in which i am not submissive. (i never said i was a 24/7 and Y'all know that)
In the end, i am deeply saddened that His pathological normal way of being plays into my insecurities. I am a very loyal creature who thinks she earns and deserves the same in return. In my world, Mark, chasing me does not include emailing 40+ submissives in Your locale of the day with Your phone number and an invite to play face to face. You may not think that makes You a player because the realm is virtual, but the rest of us do, but even more importantly, i do. Like You said, "Trust, but verify."
You wanted in my journal, Mark. Here it is.
Enjoy Your infamy, from what i understand this journal is fairly well read. Peace out. |
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well it seems i have been played by 2 players in one week.
i no longer believe what i seek exists.
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i am really not in a good place today.
There is no where i "feel" safe anymore. |
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i cannot say this any clearer, please stop wasting my time. SINGLE MEANS JUST THAT. Being separated does not apply. |
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"He's dead, Jim."
Scotty gave me a kiss on my cheek on my 16th birthday.
yes, pet is a geek, too - of the Star Trek kind.
"Live long and prosper, James Doohan. RIP." |
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i actually had a booty appt scheduled last week -- and was stood up, from a member of this site, no less. Fellow subs be warned, some of Them born in 1967 are wannabes. |
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i am back on Cape Cod for the week, visiting my family.
ahhhhh....vacation. 
Now if only my booty call for weds had not stood me up. :pouts: |
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Dear Collarme:
How hard is it to email your membership en masse and warn them of the impending email deletions?
i swear this site is run by monkeys sometimes. The powers that be here deleted email i had not yet responded to. So when You don't get a reply, don't look at me.
grrrrrr. |
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Today's Horoscope for the single Libra:
"You're a virtual magnet -- all attraction, all around. Everyone's drawn to you and they don't know why. You won't be able to get any work done, so why bother? Enjoy the adoration. "
heh.
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i am presently being emotionally abused by someone i considered friend and am unsure of what direction, or action, i should take.
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It was so beautiful out yesterday that all i wanted to do was fuck outside. |
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There are days, like today, that i wish Master Soul would come back to me. |
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If One is going to use the internet to meet submissives, and One contacts women outside of His locale, then One should be the One willing to jump on the plane and do the meeting. |
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i just spent the last 24 hours getting to know a fascinating man in California, who in the end, tried to manipulate me.
Exactly when did impetuous become aggressive? Most of what You need to know is in my profile...please read it and consider it carefully, it is loathsome to continually have You reject me over and over what was there to begin with. i am what i am, and while i have a certain amount of "potential" and growing to do, a major rewrite of my personality is not going to happen. |
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i am really sad right now, and am thinking about abandoning this search. There are only so many times this little one can be turned away for things against her control...i am not sure what is worse: being rejected by vanilla men for being rubenesque or being rejected by Dominant men for having a low pain threshold. i am sorry i have fibromyalgia, i am sorry i need 2 more knee surgeries, i am sorry 2 boys threw me head first into a locker wall in high school injuring my neck and back, i am sorry i have had 11 more back injuries since then.
i don't want me either. |
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For those of You that are curious, it didn't work out...but i now have a friend whom i cherish.
Oh, and it was said that i have the biggest tits He's ever seen in person, lol.
i just wanna cry. Boy i could've used those cookies right about now. |
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My next door neighbor died yesterday and no one told me and i missed the wake today...Do i feel like a dumb ass gardening this afternoon while the wake was going on. i even spoke to a family member yesterday outside and no said anything. :( |
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i just want to say that it is hard to take some of You seriously when You ask questions clearly covered in my very detailed profile.
i am looking for a detail oriented Dom (i thought that trait was inherent with being Dominant, but the last 2 weeks have made it quite clear it is less common than one might think it is.....) |
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There are a large number of You who write and then delete/inactivate Your profile before i can reply.
i just don't understand that. i like to give thoughtful, well considered replies and at times that might take a day or so. I've been a little busy of late, but anyone reading my journal would understand that. my whole life feels like it is spinning out of control.
Very frustrating, and it's not the good kind of frustrating. |
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wah.........
my feet hurt and my clit is numb. i suppose that is better than having it the other way around, lol.
it took my former roommate 18 hours to move the contents of one bedroom (and a few pots and pans).
sheesh. |
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Today was insurance day 
i ended up having to write my auto insurance with the people represented by the lizard, because the Progressive types were not aggressive enough and my existing carrier was not AMICAble any longer. So sorry, things happened to me that were not my fault. geesh.
i am being sent for an independent medical evaluation by the not so AMICAble company so they can find a way to cut me off. i do not understand how these folks sleep at night.
Anyways, i look forward to a pleasant evening at the Carnival at the Danbury Mall with my good friend Avril Love You Long Time (aka Ms Sassypants) and her young son. As i write this, i am on my porch balcony enjoying a nice breeze and wishing i had a lounge chair to nap in. Mmmmmm. ...A nap with a magic wand would be even better. 1.5 days and counting.
i wish all of You could see my back porch, as it looks like a little patio outside a bistro in Paris at present.
i do think i need a bigger porch, as i crave a lounge chair and a rocker, and at present cannot fit either with my existing patio furniture and grill. wah. |
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Well, the house didn't work out and there's still no One to have sex with in public. lol.
But on a positive note, my roommate of 7 years moves out on Saturday, and as a proper witch would, i am dedicating Sunday for a Masturbation Marathon.
Out comes the Hitachi Magic Wand (hmm...maybe i should dust it first, lol) and porn on the big tv in the living room. i'm not stopping until my room reeks of p_ _ _ _ y, and no, i am not selling tickets to the show. |
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Um....my horoscope just told me to have sex in public.
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Your sense of exploration is in full swing right now, so onward! Grab your partner, and get out there and see the world (or at least the hidden nooks of your neighborhood)!
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Now if only i had someone to have sex with. lol. |
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i am kind of excited...i am going to go look at a house near New Haven tomorrow...there is very little keeping me here in Danbury these days...
i'll need a new roommate once i move. Here's hoping that the universe provides someone open minded. |
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Happy Father's Day to all the wonderful Dads out there... |
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i can say without a doubt that i am not a candidate for electrical play. After an afternoon of 28 gage needles being stuck into my legs and arms and then being shocked over and over, i feel i can be really sure on that point.
The results were negative - no nerve or muscle damage.
i did, however, experience the endorphin high that follows, and i wish i had someone there to drive me.
i never felt more alone in my life. |
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i have my EMG scheduled today and am very anxious about it. |
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i have absolutely had my fill of the fakes, flakes and wannabes of this site this week.
If You do not truly know Your orientation, if You are not straight, if You don't know how to respect someone and do as You say You will, then please, please do not contact me.
i seek Someone real and honorable. If You are not, then please go play with the others. You all must mistake me for a masochist. |
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a very nice Dom in Georgia told me tonight that "special girls have to wait for special men."
i guess so. looks at her watch again.
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just to be clear:
i seek One who understands that a relationship takes an instant to form, time to strengthen and a lifetime to enjoy.
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Got my hair cut -- about 3" off...it has movement again (yeah!) and it looks more like most of my photos.
i'll still grow it longer in the Winter i think. i was just too hot with it that long.
i also went clothes shopping and bought shirts, after realizing this week, that i had only 5 Summer shirts -- and 3 of them were black, lol.
Spent the evening with Avril, turkey burgers on the grill with all the fixings, and we watched LOST. |
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This one is a very groggy girl today...but my hairdresser just called and is on his way to make me look more like my pics again.
ahem. lol. |
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this little one is very sick, i think i have the summer flu. i regret going to work tonight, that was a bad idea as i barely made it home. i guess it was best my date was cancelled, as i would have never been good company.
Not that my company was wanted any longer in the first place.
Strange fact for the evening: my exbf apparently applied repeatedly for work over the years to one of the companies owned by the One who lost interest in me.
CT is waaaaaaay too small. lol. |
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Ok, i hear it from the source that the cookies are called "Walker's Shortbread". i prefer the lemon flavor over the orange ones...They come in a little narrow round cylinder like container and they are very yummy and make pet very happy.
Donations can be sent to an address provided upon request. lol.
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i wish i knew the name of those cookies.
Because then i could rent a mailbox and set up a "Cookie Donations for a Hungry Pet" fund. Maybe i'll even go non-profit because the expenses of being a sexypet would well exceed any cookie income. heh. |
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Date was cancelled.
this little one is free again.
i wonder if this means, i won't be getting those cookies. Yes, real cookies-- even a pet like me needs a treat every now and again. |
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this little pet has a date (for lack of a better term -- a "first date") tomorrow night with Mystery CT Dom #1.
Let's hope as many sparks fly as did on O/our initial meeting!
Be sure to tune in Weds for an update... |
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my head is spinning today.
(And that is all i am going to say about it, except that it is a good spin). |
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i am becoming one very anxious, little girl. |
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Today is a strange day.
While one new Dom pondered His fate with me due to my cat allergy and His owning one....
Another One referred to me as a fiesty kitten...
lol. |
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i met a Dom today.....! in person--local, no less. All this time, about 2-3 miles from my job...
i was all excited because i thought W/we had a tentative date tomorrow, but i came home to a message telling me He has to cancel.
And so, i cannot help but wonder... what is being chosen over me?
There are backup plans for Tuesday...but i still cannot help being disappointed. |
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i want to thank all of You who wrote me -- i feel so much less alone now.
Today i went to the annual Greek Festival. The men there always assume i am Greek, but i am half italian and half czech. it made me miss my parents who recently moved away, as the Church the festival is held at is near my parent's old house, the house i grew up in. :(
i nurtured my inner child and bought myself 2 Russian dolls and a little Russian lacquer box (i am a witch who collects Virgin Mary stuff - don't ask, lol) . i really am looking for a Russian box with the Snow Maiden on it, but there is a specific version i want, and i can only seem to find it on plates. i do not collect plates. i never understood collecting plates, lol., but then i cannot understand being a witch and collecting Virgin Marys.
i also bought some jasmine resin incense and some frankincense and small rolls of charcoal which i look forward to trying.
There were some delightfully attractive Greek male teenage boys i watched dance. That was.....um, interesting. oh yes, i must save that thought for later....
;) |
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i am learning that there are several of You who regularly read my journal...and i do not know who the collective You are.
So please introduce Yourselves, and if i get enough replies, i will update much more regularly. |
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the MRI completely sucked. i cried. |
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i have my MRI tonight, wish me luck, E/everyone.
For those who are curious, the MRI will be of my lower back, as i go numb from my thighs down when sitting on the floor. :( |
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i am in a lot of pain today. Old pains renewed by yet another.
i fight so hard to believe, so hard to be open -- to remain open while a little more of my beautiful spirit gets killed each and every day. i always believed in destiny and it appears now even destiny has failed me.
Oh, who am i kidding? It's not like You Guys actually listen to anything i am saying. It's ok, go back to looking at my cleavage. sigh. |
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i wish more of You would take submission seriously. This isn't a drive-thru.
Another wannabe bites the dust. And no, gentlemen, he wasn't served. |
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i don't want to go back home....home to my lonely, Domless life. wah. |
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i am presently on Cape Cod visiting my parents... sleeping late and being well fed. yum yum. |
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excuses, excuses, excuses, more wannabe excuses.
Newsflash: if You are too tired from a tennis match to pick up the phone and call when You said You would --You're too weak to effectively top me. A phone call is so exhausting. lol. |
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i consider myself an accountable person. i do as i say. i expect, at a minimum, the same from You.
So if You say You are going to call, call. Or at a minimum, email and explain the delay. If You say You will send a pic, send it.
But when i see You repeatedly logging in here after failing to honor Your word, it leaves a very bad taste in my mouth and is yet another circumstance that hardens my heart --especially after You worked so hard to get my attention in the first place.
Because lately, all i see are a lot of Doms whose behaviour give the title a bad name. Or should i say, reclassify themselves under a new title: WANNABE.
i am real, i expect the same from You. |
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Such nice letters i receive in that unknown until today BULK MAIL section....
"You are quite beautiful with some mysterious depth that I find alluring."
"you have the sexiest face i have ever seen on a female, especially the ones who are trying to look sexy.."
"Such beauty. Best wishes on your journey..."
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i only just discovered my BULK mail folder and i never knew how many of You wrote me, i will reply as soon as i can, but there are over 100 emails in there.
To all Sirs i am very sorry for my oversight.
And here i thought no one wrote to me..... |
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i feel so lost....but then how should one feel on a short term release? |
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i think i have been abandoned. |
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i've become a very lonely girl. |
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too much change to list here. |
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"Wonderful Is
a sense of complete
comfort
warmth
caring
tingles...
erotic
yet soothing
stimulating
yet calming
pounding
while soft
it is a pinnacle moment
when our connection forges all of the energies of life into one.
the dark and the light
become
a rainbow of stimulations
and
together
we forge something
new
something
rarely seen
or felt
by anyone.
outsides
are mystified and confused
as they cannot
comprehend
the GREATNESS.
when I'm inside you
I feel everything else shatter
the rest of the problems and issues explode away
and I am left
without
boundaries
without
limitations
without
stress
and through this
My power
rises
My spirit flourishes
and
I am the Master
surrounded by
and
yet enveloping
My pet's entire being
I feel your body release
your true spirit
emerge
from
it's shell of the past and pain
to blossom
to it's true beauty
where you are proud
where you are powerful
where you are strong
happy
laughing
and you give all of that to Me
in My image
you desire it to be reborn
and feed off of My power
to become the phoenix
arisen from the ashes of the past
and free to be with her true Master
for life.
that is what Wonderful Is."
-Master Soul |
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"You're song,
A wished-for song.
Go through the ear to the center
where sky is, where wind,
where silent knowing.
Put seeds and cover them.
Blades will sprout
where You do Your work."
-Jelaluddin Rumi |
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"Dreams live in the throat." -Jeff Buckley, 2/13/95 |
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i didn't get any Christmas cock again this year. :( |
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hmmm...it would appear that i have a new admirer-- perhaps that is my Christmas present?
Welcome, Sir. :) |
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Seasons Greetings, E/everyone. |
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How many seemingly real connections must i make that go no where? |
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porn, then bed. it's 4pm and for the most part i am still up from yesterday.
i was expecting a few phone calls....but they didn't come. :( |
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Tonight i went to sleep wearing my hair in pigtails.
i liked it.
(i know there is a pic of me here wearing pigtails, but that was for the photoshoot last June and i have not done it since then.)
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ok, it's getting bad.
i caught myself felating an empty wine bottle tonight. |
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i find it amusing the men here who mistake honesty and inquisitiveness for insolence. Would You prefer i lie? |
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The user known as "sexypet" (journal editors: that's me) died on 12/6/2004 at 9:16pm from sensual starvation.
R.I.P. |
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i had a really bad car accident tonight.
Not bad so much as the damage to the car when you look at it, but bad in what happened, how it happened.
i don't know why i am alive. |
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when will men realize there is a difference between being Dominant and a pompous, arrogant _ _ _ _?
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Tonight i did a tarot reading. i shuffled long and hard - continously for over 1/2 hr.
Anyways, it was a short reading Past-Present-Future.
PAST: KNIGHT OF CUPS
"A sensitive young man of depth.
A new lover or intimate friend. An inspired and creative person. He is emotional and capable of deep and intense love, but afraid to commit for fear of being hurt."
i know this card refers to my recent exbf. Cups mean love and in this one the tall knight swoops in carrying the cup of love. Pretty much like how it felt at the time.
PRESENT: TWO OF SWORDS
"A balancing act.
Compromise - sometimes hard choices must be made, and indecision will only aggravate the situation. Choose the lesser of two evils, and work to minimise any damage that may be done. You have the ability to make the best of a bad situation. Friendship may result once initial conflicts have been resolved."
Now for me, the imagery of this card is more important than the traditional interpretation. it means: don't cross my heart...or i am protecting it fiercely because i am hurting.
FUTURE: FOUR OF WANDS
"Domestic bliss.
A harmonious family life. Material success, acquisition of assets. Social standing. Loyal and true friendship. A bountiful harvest, labours rewarded. All needs will be met. A wedding or partnership."
i have never had this card show up in my readings before. This is good news. My instinct was that it represented the relationship stuff, but to be clear i asked for more information.
COMMENTARY
THE LOVERS
"Fulfillment through a relationship.
Love of one creates compassion for others. Material happiness and security. If in a new relationship, this card indicates that it will deeper and more significant than previous relationships. If in an established relationship, it indicates that problems will be overcome and the bond is deep and strong despite any surface tensions."
Defintely a good sign of good things to come.
i asked it to elaborate further.
THE WORLD
"One person can make the world a better place.
You have seen and learned much in life. As an enlightened person, you have a responsibility to put your knowledge into action. Others will seek your guidance. Live so that others will follow your example, and share the good fortune that Fate has dealt you."
i'm taking these cards more literally and in each case pretty much at face value.
i am going to meet someone, fall in love and get married, and He is going to give me the world.
i guess it's time to stop doubting...and learn to be more patient. |
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where is everyone tonight? |
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well today was a most disappointing day.
i allowed myself to foolishly get my hopes up.
Sometimes, i swear i am meant to perpetually pout. |
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hmmm... i wonder what a 80lb., 6' 1" tall submissive male from Egypt thinks i am supposed to do with him? lol |
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i never thought when i joined here, that my search would become more frustrating. Perhaps You all would prefer that i disappear than have my presence displease so many? i am sorry that my being submissive, but not a slave, is such a problem for so many of You. |
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To those of You who care, i have returned home to CT....not that my laptop will cooperate or anything. grrrr. |
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i don't want to go home......
::whimpers:: |
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For those of You i communicate with regularly, i am leaving town for a week to visit my parents in Cape Cod. i will log in as often as i can, but please understand if there is a delay in my replies. ~pet |
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"I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling all that I am capable of doing but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding."
~Anais Nin~
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omg, my mouth is so bored.
Happy Samhain everyone.
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it would be appreciated if Male Switches would stop contacting me as i will not submit to men who cannot make up their minds. Thank Y/you. |
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in Today's email:
"I must say - for a seemingly sincere girl - your postings border on the pitiful and pathetic. I find it almost delightful to watch you torment yourself! "
it's so nice to know that i bring Someone pleasure somewhere. heh. |
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::pouts::
i want to go to this year's Halloween Party at Paddles.... |
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i don't want to be alone here in my house all week....my roommate has taken a ill-timed vacation... |
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Thankfully..........the taxes are done. (For those of You keeping track.) And resulting in a refund, no less.
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"To thee, I surrender, my heart, my soul, my trust. It is with Faith that I
fall into your mighty wings. It is with love that I offer up the chalice of
my heart, Drink deep of my life that I might know the depths of the river of
Forgetfullness and Memory." ~Melissa Hakey
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Takes His Place
Says, “Baby, I’m all sorts of sorry.”
Says, “Babe, you know I’m all kinds of sad.”
Says, “Maybe it was fun while it lasted.”
I say, “Baby, I just wish that it had.”
Stands before me and his arms are folded
Teeth clenched in a too-perfect face
Turns to leave, an anonymous other
Steps in line to take his foolish place
Each lover’s conversation
“I love you” “No, I love you more”
A perfect imitation
Of the one who came before
Every lover tells a different story
Every story always ends the same
Every lover spins the same kind of sugar
Only thing that changes is his name
Every dream and childhood recollection
Whispered to me in exactly the same way
Don’t ask me where it hurts, now
I swear to God I couldn't say
That which doesn’t kill me strengthens me
Repeated end-to-endlessly
If I’m so goddamned strong now
How come I feel so lonely?
He says lots of lovely fill-in-the-blank
He so stresses that he’s not like other men
I sit back, he stands up
And the cycle circles ’round again
One follows right behind the other
Line forms to the right and single-file
Another break-up, another lover
I haven’t felt this old in a while
Each loving lie is spoken
How we mean it at the time
Identical hearts are broken
Another goes to the back of the line
“I love you” “I love you”
“I love you” “No, I love you more”
Each sentiment, each resident
Just the same as the one who came before, yeah
Tell me again until I feel something
Tell me again until I feel something
Tell me again until I feel something
Tell me again until I feel something, yeah
’Cause I feel nothing now.
-Mary Prankster
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R.I.P.
Here lies a beautiful spirit and loving heart that No One cared to keep. |
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bereftly spinning, this girl wonders how she will make it through today. |
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looks like i'll be crying myself to sleep again tonight.
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this one wonders when she'll meet a Man whose actions don't need apologizing for. |
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where is the One who will capture my mind? |
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From tonight's Boston Legal: (paraphrasing)
"Are you feeling a little desperate to be relevant lately?"
um, yeah. |
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My favorite email from the past year:
"Though I do not know how someone would not want to fuck your red pouty lips until the drool ran down your chin..."
Thank You for Your friendship, MstrJ. |
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it's just that on days like today, one becomes very aware of how little she matters to those she loves.
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today, i turn 38. ::cries:: |
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another disappointing day to accompany a disappointing year. |
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i am so upset. my birthday is Saturday, and i just learned that i am going to be spending it alone... |
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my, oh my, am i bored. recovering from surgery is so dull. |
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just call me Dizzy on Demerol, lol.
And i thought i knew what pain was before!
Well....i am well cared for which makes me a lucky, lucky girl.
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discovered.
found.
claimed.
taken.
now
i am. |
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i am so happy....
happy..........
happy..........
well, except for that bad thing that i discovered yesterday......but regardless,
happy.
For all T/those W/who are interested, my knee surgery is this coming Weds. |
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i........nevermind.
my physical ailments overwhelm me. |
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Many well wishes poured in today...thank Y/you everyone for Y/your kind thoughts...
" It will get better, be patient. "
"hang in there you sound wonderful and someone will be very lucky to discover you "
" will not waste a girl's time because I do not fit what she seeks....But I did wish to send her My regards and best wishes.
In hopes that she will find what she seeks."
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i am very sad today. i am so tired of crying myself to sleep. |
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My last 2 journal entries are not my own and were edited by collarme.com without my permission. |
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Does being submissive mean being perpetually ignored and neglected??? Even a little bit of attention is better than this void of echoing silence. |
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s
p
i
r
a
l
i
n
g
d
o
w
n
w
a
r
d
. |
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this girl would appreciate paranoid Doms needing cam only verification to please not contact her. i don't have a cam. |
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and yet another night i'll cry myself to sleep. |
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today's email:
"u are a very good lady someone is lucky to have u "
- i wish. that someone had me, that is. |
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Collarme seems to be having some problems -
Of course we will chat soon - Tues is my work day, that's all! (6am and i am still at work - got here at 1:30 pm Tues, really deep sigh)
talk to You soon,
~pet |
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in my email today: "Hopelessness and despair are only conditions of mind due to lack of proper attention. "
Yes - i know. |
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With his venom
Irresistible
and bittersweet
that loosener
of limbs, Love
reptile-like
strikes me down.
-Sappho |
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Today i give in......to the hopelessness and despair that has come to define my life. |
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"i don't hate You, only You can make You, and i've been choking hoping You're just joking...i'm waiting for the punch line waiting for You to say 'I'm so sorry - I stole your air'... You're like a trick mirror -- when i look close i see only black, it's only love -- You can keep it or give it back. Gentle is my murderer who looks at me with those eyes, maybe i don't mind if He takes what was mine." -Anne Heaton |
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"i could say goodbye to You it would hurt me way worse than it would hurt You....i need a sharp turn to slow this thing otherwise i'll give You everything....i give You everything that's mine as we spend all of our time getting closer...we both crossed the line then You crossed right back over...will i recover? will i recover? will i recover?" - Anne Heaton www.anneheaton.com |
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i am drowning in the Sea of Disappointment...would someone please carry my heart for me? |
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And the blows keep coming. |
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For all of You who keep asking, i have 2 torn miniscuses (sp?) in my left knee. A simple surgery and a not so simple because nothing in my life ever is 6 week recovery...... |
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Apparently, i am supposed to wait all the time. sigh. |
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"they also serve, who only stand and wait." -Milton |
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Hmmm...i wonder what the results of my MRI will show today? Right now this girl can't kneel and feels useless. |
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i have begun to believe that one of the greater cruelties in life is to allow someone to hope......and then never deliver. |
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This girl is very tired of being lied to and being misled. If You aren't capable of telling the truth at all times, please refrain from contacting me. Thank you. |
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Why is it that everyone assumes that because you don't have a webcam that you are not real? i am sick of being told i am not real - no matter what the reason. If you're paranoid, perhaps You should reconsider using the internet as a means for meeting people! |
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Is honesty really all that hard? Why does it come so easily to me and not others? |
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"You're an extremely enticing and attractive woman. I am sure finding exactly what you want, your ideal, won't be hard for you to do, given all you have to offer."
Why is it these words are always uttered by the same people who choose not to be with you? |
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