|
Wow its been 3 years since I've written. Nothing much to write about. Spent the last hour looking at photos. I miss those days. Chronic pain makes it a whole lot less fun to play. I'm kind of sad. But Master is amazing and patient and still loves me even though i can't feed his beast much anymore. It's going to get worse. Doctor can't even give Tramadol anymore. Fucking government trying to save me instead they have given me a life sentence of no life. Too bad so sad guess I'll eat some worms. Lol. Can't take the self pity shit for more than a minute. Life goes on. I'm a stubborn wench and I will take my pain with a big glass of water please. |
|
|
|
|
I just got my nipples pierced last thurs. I was off all weekend to go to some workshops at The Wiodshed. Team Fluffy came in from Seatlle and did a blood play class that was awesome. Saturday we missed the stapling class. I've already been stapled when we had an oopsie and Master stabbed me in the calf. Then Sunday was fire flogging and then a discussion of how Renegade runs His poly house. They are great people and kindred spirits, I'm glad we got to meet them. And I got fire flogged for the first time. One of the few things I have ever been afraid of. I even fucking cried while waiting. Lol. I had needles all stuck in me Friday that Master then beat with a cane. They were only 18g but I still bled a bit. Then Saturday I got beat with a vampire cane until I was covered in blood. Master then used a scalpel to make short cuts in my back and did blood cupping for the first time. And all that just made me giggle and high. But the thought of fire had me crying. But it was hot. Lol yes bad pun but I meant it both ways. So I haven't done much today. Trying to give my body a little chance to recoup. Even a hard core maso needs a little rest. |
|
|
|
|
why do guys put a picture of a girl as their profile pic? or a girl blowing them? Unless its a couple looking i don't think having a pic of a female as your primary photo has any value? is it supposed to make one think "this guy must be special he has had a girl before". How do i know its your girl? do you have permission to use her pic? so what if you have been blown before and someone let you take their pic. just means they were kinky not sub. maybe it isn't even you. maybe you havent ever had a blowjob and just want people to think you have. i can see if someone is in to pony play having a pic of a girl all dressed in pony gear. that would tell me it is your kink, it tells me something about you. but getting a blowjob. all guys are into blowjobs. doesn't say anything about the person you are. i actually read profiles. but never bother clicking on a pic mentioned above. it seems misleading and i wouldn't bother. i do mouse over the female pics since we are looking for another girl, but if its a male i don't click on it.
Just a random rant for the day. |
|
|
|
|
I find it rude when you send a nice message to someone and they don't even bother to acknowledge it. Only takes a couple of minutes to write back and say thanks for the nice note. Wish you well. I guess it's still better than writing back and leading you towards a friendship when all they want is online or casual play. |
|
|
|
|
Master made our honeymoon reservations today. We made sure His suit fit and is clean. I made reservations for the dog at camp. Damn i need to get the cat sitter to come by. Adding that to my to do list. Tomorrow we get the marriage license and appointment to do it. Hopefully i can quickly find a new dress while we are out. Its not required. Just something I would like.
Did you know...in Florida you have to either wait 3 days after getting your license to get married unless you take an approved 4 hr course on marriage. I find that kind of funny. We are both grown up and have been married before. What could this class possibly teach us.
We go to relationship workshops at bdsm events. I still have alot to learn about being a good slave. Even when we don't learn anything from the presenters, it opens up discussions we have with each other and can learn alot that way. I have also found them to be reaffirming. I often have self doubts. Then i hear that even the bestest of the realest slaves have days that they aren't slave-like. And i get reminded that its not the destination that is nearly as important as the journey.
My journey is moving from a footpath to a highway. I am going to be Master's slave/wife. I asked what will change. He replied "your last name". I truly and deeply love this man that is taking me as His wife even though He has had me collared for a year. Not a long time. But long enough. Life is good. |
|
|
|
|
Well what a wonderful year it has been. Today is Master's bday. I have to work all weekend. But I'm picking up breakfast from Bob Evans to feed Him in bed. I have a bottle of 18 yr old scotch and a Dominican cigar for Him to enjoy later.
We are getting married on sept 18th. We just got engaged on thurs. Master has planned to proposes to me on that day, it's the one year anniversary of my being collared. But we were out shopping and stopped at the jewelry store. We picked out the ring and He got on one knee and proposed in the jewelry store. Then He decided the 19th is the day we will get married. Yeah. Not a big wedding. Just is at the courthouse. I'm very excited. Wet even. Smiles. |
|
|
|
|
Reality isn't everything I dreamed it would be. But life is good. Hopefully will only get better. Need to get that damned room cleaned up so we can bring cross home. Maybe that will make the difference. |
|
|
|
|
Is it wrong that I miss pussy. Master has given me carte Blanche to have sex with girls anytime without even asking. Of course I would prefer to share withHim. But life has been too busy to make any new friends. Oh well good things come to those that wait. Lol. Well actually I guess that's true. I held out and didn't settle. And wound up with the bestest Master. So patience does pay off |
|
|
|
|
Smiles. It's been awhile since I've written anything. That means life is really good. Master has moved to Davenport so we can be together every day. It was hard for Him to leave Daytona to come to davenport but I'm worth it. We have been so busy moving and cleaning and organizing my house. He hates clutter so I had ro get rid of lots of stuff. Stuff that worked for me but wasn't pleasing to Him. So out with the old and in with the new. We totally cleaned out one room and reprinted it to make His office. Can tell I'm not 30 anymore. We haven't had time for much heavy play but I still get my spankings every day whether I want them or not. Lol. I almost always want them. I really deserved to get my ass kicked last week while cleaning out the office. I swore I would be fine with no sleep. But after working my long weekend and even napping that day I had a all out temper tantrum. Wound up hurting myself. But instead of kicking my ass He took me aside, slapped my face and told me to straighten up. Calmly explained that the way I acted was not only unacceptable but completely counterproductive to our goals. So after a couple minutes of crying and apologizing, kissing His feet etc I put on my big girl panties (not literally. Only wear them to work) and proceeded to work my ass off until about 5 am. My body hated me but I kept my word and finished the painting. No sleep again tomorrow for awhile. Will get a nap on the drive to Daytona but another busy day. I can't wait for it all to be done so we can enjoy ourselves more again. We did take time out the other night after a run to the store and went to he movies instead of going home and working. That was fun. Well fun in a keep our clothes on kind of way. JK. It was a good movie. Life is often an adventure with Master. Damn I'm a lucky girl |
|
|
|
|
So busy. The time passes quickly. Life gets in the way of all the bdsm a girl could want. Damn this is the real world. But Master still makes sure I get as much as I need. He really does care for all my needs. I know He loves me by all that He has done. He drove hours and hours to get my crazy sister (blood relative) to the airport and off to my brother. Whenever istart to become overwhelmed He calms me. He makes sure we do take time every day to focus on our relationship and what we mean to each other. I still struggle with patience. There seems to be so much to do and I just want to hurry through everything and get it done. He reminds me to slow down and enjoy life. Yes we have a ton of work to do. We have a manifesto to write. We have to write our contract. Damn and then there's my job. Lol. It's so worth it. No time to be bored for sure. Did I mention I'm madly in love. How could I not be. He rocks my world. He possesses all of me not just my body. It's a new and fantastic experience. Life is great. Just busy. But we are takin time out next weekend and having a mini vacation. Going to show Him some of Orlando. It's His bday. Wish I could find another slave to help me make it a most fantastic bday for Him. No luck with that yet. But who knows what tomorrow brings. |
|
|
|
|
Hmmm....i wonder how many listed as bisexual subs or slaves truly are. Just because you will have sex with another girl to please your man in the beginning of a relationship does not make you bi. Neither does letting another girl go down on you. lol..so you straight girls can play too and still be straight. I'm bisexual above and below the waist. I love pussy. I love women. Not necessarily in that order. |
|
|
|
|
i have been blessed. Life has tried to stress me out over last month or so but Master has been there to guide me and listen to me and to make me forget about any worries. This life is even better than i hoped. He is my One. Hoping soon to find a girl to share. I have a taste for something sweet. |
|
|
|
|
I'm such a lucky girl. Master is everything I ever wanted and more. He cares for me in all ways possible. It was a stressful week but He helped me with everything and has my back. I am well fed, well loved and well fucked. And well beaten. Not necessarily in that order. Spankings every morning at least. What more could a girl ask for. He controls me but not in a way that holds me back but in a way that makes me bloom. Life is an adventure and I love living it with Him. |
|
|
|
|
I'm so excited. Master is taking me to the dungeon tonight. It will be our first time there together. He let me choose what to take. Which is kind of scary. Bc I didn't pick the fluffy slap and tickle stuff. But I didn't choose the really evil punishing implements either. The floggers, whips and paddles I did choose can be made to feel evil though. I'm thinking He might just take me to another level than we have previously been. But I trust He won't take me further than I'm ready for. Lol but I better be ready to meet the Beast. Maybe He won't let the Beast out in public. I kind of deserve it though bc I said something kind of stupid the other night. Thank goodness He is so secure. To me He is everything a Master should be. And then some. Yes I'm completely in love. Crazy? Yep probably. But how could I not love him? He rocks my world. And makes me laugh so much that I snort water out my nose at Walmart. During the daytime hours. Walmart during the day is usually torture. But with Him it's an adventure. |
|
|
|
|
Wow. What a fanfuckingtastic week. Spent 5 full days with Him. Woke every day to hear Him ask "have you had your morning spankings today?" some days they weren't the first thing we did. But before the day really got started I got spanked. Went to my first lifestyle party on the 4th. Tried scotch whiskey for the first time. Hated that. But im going to live every moment to the fullest and that means trying everything He suggests. I've always known I didn't like scotch. But how did I know. I had never tried His scotch. So along with opening my mind to kinky things I am opening it to vanilla things too. Because life is a balance of many aspects.
Had a few aha moments. Now I understand a few things that were previously beyond me.
Can't wait until our third date next week. Unfortunately reality of life is going to delay some things we were going to explore. But He is helping me with those also. Life is definitely good.
|
|
|
|
|
For the first time since I began talking to him I feel a little scared. Not of him. I know he will hurt me. Deep calming breath. Positive thinking. Don't worry enjoy each moment and experience. Thank goodness I get to go see him tomorrow. Focus on work now. |
|
|
|
|
Lmao. Bdsm with a pineapple. Sometimes this stuff cracks me up. Had a fun time with friends.
Only 2 more days until I get to go spend days with a man I'm crazy about. Looking so forward to exploring the next step. And just being with him. I feel like the stars must have all aligned just right and the wind was blowing in just the right direction that I finally meet someone that seems so right. I almost settled a few times bc I didn't think this man really existed that I was looking for a fantasy. Well dammit if I'm dreaming don't anyone dare wake me up. |
|
|
|
|
This is freaking crazy. I have the urge to smile at and be nice to strangers. I want to hug people. I'm happy and I feel like I'm drunk. I'm intoxicated but not with drugs or alcohol. Well we did get a little drunk the once. This is awesome. Except I have to wait another week to go see him. But then we will spend days together again. Just the sound of his voice excites me when I'm tired, calms me when I'm stressed. Maybe I bumped my head and this is a brain injury. I feel like dancing. Lol. This is just too funny. But it feels so right. Maybe I'm delirious from lack of sleep. He woke up early this morning to call me. Happy dance. |
|
|
|
|
Doing a happy dance. I had the most incredible first date that lasted 3 and half days. We connected on many levels. My face almost hurts from laughing so much. Had a few new experiences. Hardly played we were so busy getting to know each other. I think we may have something special. I can't wait to continue down this path to find out for sure. But I know my body is satisfied and my soul is content. |
|
|
|
|
Time is relative. It is dragging now. Want to go now. Quick shower after I get home then to Daytona for a fun filled few days. I'm so excited. No sleep for the wicked today. |
|
|
|
|
Wondering what a Dom is supposed to protect me from. I see that so often that one should protect sub/slave. But from what and how. Just a random thought. I'll ask someone later if I get the chance |
|
|
|
|
Just 2 more days. Haven't been this excited to meet someone in I don't know maybe once before. I've been patient. Not easy but I did it. Hope the nights go by fast. I want to be there already. With no plan. Just let it happen. Did I mention I was excited. Honestly I could listen to him talk for hours. And not even about bdsm. Settling down. It's just hanging out with a friend. Keep it real. |
|
|
|
|
Smiles. Not nearly as good as someone else doing it but needles still relax me. Feeling much better with only 2. My name is sandy and yes I'm an endorphin junkie. |
|
|
|
|
I want to hurt myself. Stick needles in my tits physical pain. Can almost relate to cutters. But my rational brain won't let me
Bc I don't know how to safely. Just a little cut. A needle in the thigh really can't be unsafe. But will it fill my need. One way to find out. They say happiness comes from within. Since I have to be the one to control myself I willl also be the one ro hurt myself |
|
|
|
|
MUST BE PATIENT!!!! Repeating to myself often. |
|
|
|
|
Added to my To Do list:
Submit to a domme.
Be flogged front and back at the same time.
These can be done without being in a relationship. I think most of the rest of my to do list requires a fairly deep bond. If the bond is deep enough there is so much more I would do that I haven't even considered. Lol. Well I must have considered it but never put them on my to do list. Some things I can be happy to live the rest of my life without experiencing. |
|
|
|
|
What a difference a phone call makes. |
|
|
|
|
Back from the Florida Bash. It rocked. Highly recommend it for next year. Want to go to some other events though to compare. Already experiencing a little BashDrop though. But I napped and ate so I'm good.
Trying to see bright side of things. Maybe I should have lower expectations then never disappointed. But that's how I led my life for years. Wasn't happy that way just not disappointed so much.
The bright side is my life is so easy and drama free that I can make time to meet someone if I really want to. I can make time to spend with them. In this way I am blessed. It could be bc my life isn't as full. But I appreciate it anyway
|
|
|
|
|
Amazing. I'm at a bdsm event and I'm bored. It's early. Lots of people not here until tomorrow. Dom friend will be here then also. Won't be bored anymore. Funny but the thought of playing with strangers doesn't work for me anymore. It's nice to see people I haven't seen since last year.
Went out last night drinking with an old friend. One who taught me to always stay positive. Funny but it still feels good when he's proud that I do most of the time. I haven't drank in ages so I had a nice buzz going for awhile. I'm always such a happy drunk. Smiling and laughing. But of course I was good and didn't drive for awhile.
Looking forward to next week also. I'm almost afraid to hope too much. But really feel good about someone I've been talking to. Hours and hours on the phone. Mucho messages back and forth. So hot. A girl can dream. |
|
|
|
|
Wow. Feel so much better after catching up on sleep. Still a little sad that a friend is upset with me and probably won't speak to me again. But it's probably for the best. Have to just remember him fondly as a person of my past. I had fun and I learned.
Looking forward to the future. I think there's lots more fun and learning in store for me. |
|
|
|
|
Now I have a reason to be sad |
|
|
|
|
Silly me. Forgot to take my sleep Meds this morning so didn't sleep hardly at all. I hate my sleep deprived brain. Makes me feel sad for no reason. Life is good. Vacation starts at 6 am. Going to the Florida Bash in 4 days. Been looking forward to it for months. Have all my packing yet to do. I like to be prepared for lots of different happenings. I'm taking my needles. Hope to feel those piercing my flesh. Lol. That made me smile. But lots of other stuff to pack too. I'm going over a day early so need something to wear to meet friend for drinks. Then for 3 days I need daywear, dinner dress, and dungeon wear. Towels and blankets for dungeon. First aid kit. Toiletries. Don't forget aloe in case I decide to try fireplay again. I'm on my own thurs night so who knows what I might get up to. Just not shopping. Can't shop. Fri and sat should bring fun and frolic as Dom I serve is coming for those 2 days. I should have some nice marks for souvenirs from this vacation. Lol. I'm feeling better now. Talked myself right out of that funk. |
|
|
|
|
More lessons learned. More to be learned. Another path dead ended. But I Learned some cool things while walking that path. I learned more about me also. Some things I need to work on. Patience is still a big one.
On another note had the most fantastic experience wih a slave friend. Lucky me. Might not have found my One(s) but I have the most wonderful friends. Smiles
|
|
|
|
|
Been so busy living life no time to write about it. Life is good. Had some new experiences. My to do list grows shorter. Learning new things. Most notably subspace without pain. Fucking awesome. Which doesn't mean that I don't want pain. Just means I found there is more than one route to get to a destination. Learning more about the mental and spiritual side of submission. The physical is so much easier. I might possibly have developed a tad of patience. But it's hard to relax into the mental aspects when my body is tense and needy. I'm getting better at communication. Having a hard time with communicating needs and then they are ignored. I'm sure it's supposed to be a lesson. Trying to wrap my mind around it though. I'm still so far from being able to completely give myself. But it's a journey not a quick trip. So as long as I'm moving forward and growing I guess that's the important thing. I think I may be rambling
I guess I have to decide which is more important to me. I want to be a good sub and wish to be a slave. But don't know that I have what it takes to be slave. Not selfless enough. My mind is not strong enough. The physical urges and cravings speak too loudly to me. Other times my rational mind won't let go. Hopefully it will get easier with practice. In a perfect world I would meet One that could make all the doubts go away. But maybe I have to figure it out on my own. But isn't a journey so much easier with a guide.
Thank goodness only a few more hours of work to go. My tired mind has me confused. Sometimes I feel that I have the right answers just no one is asking the questions in the right way. But that is wrong bc it makes it about me again. Pretty sure I will delete this in the morning when I read it with a fresh mind. |
|
|
|
|
Wish this night would end. So much to do this week. Can't wait for next weekend. Going to the dungeon and actually going to scene instead of just watching. Then the Ren fest Sunday. It will be my first. I love new experiences. They are getting fewer and further between. Been looking for intensity but it's not the physical intensity that will satisfy me.
On the positive side...one good thing about being single.. I make my own rules. And can change them if I want. Bad news is I let me get away with being a brat. Lol. Hugs to my friends. |
|
|
|
|
What a fantastic day. No Monday blues today. Was really tired when I got home from work so fell asleep easily after taking care of the animals. Got woke with a wonderful phone call. Then went and got a pedicure. Then hair colored and trimmed. When I went to pick up prescription lipsticks were on sale so had to buy a few. Had delicious salad for dinner. Chatted with roomie for awhile. Then had a nap. Best day a girl could have by herself. Now I have to pack and get ready for road trip. Will be leaving here Abt 10am. Hope it's as intense as I've been hoping. Wish me luck. I'm a little nervous. |
|
|
|
|
Another good week. Monday was a lazy day. Caught up on sleep from weekend. Tues got a new tat and color fixed on older one. Artist was 2 and half hourslate and I left mad but remembered I needed oil change. Went back after. So that turned out to be a bright side
Wednesday drove to deland and bought a cross and a kneeler. If I ever get that room cleaned out I have good start to a dungeon since already have bench we built. While I was up that way had dinner with a friend and his wife. Talked for hours. Sammi dog got to run all out in his. It backyard. What a joy to watch a dog run. She was smiling I swear.
Thurs went to see my friends of course. Lessons learned this week. How to share. How to be obedient when really don't want to but wasn't a brat or anything. Was a tiny bit jealous for a few but got my mind right. It's not about what I want. I am honored to be allowed to assist him. And I got my reward in the end. Glad I didn't pout.
Another busy weekend of work then another busy week next week. Often wish I didn't work every weekend but that's where the money is. Can't have it all. |
|
|
|
|
Sigh. I am bigger and better person. I have honor and respect for the lifestyle. Anyone who listens to the malicious whining of an ex is not someone I want to know. Smiles. I have found patience and self discipline. That's my positive outcome. |
|
|
|
|
Another great week. Got 2 full carloads of stuff for yard sale from sisters to my place. 2 more trips will do it then yard sale is a week from Saturday. I felt so dirty and grimy going through everything in dad's workshop. But made taking a shower feel fantastic.
Went to the Woodshed for Valentines with my roomate. I am usually shy about meeting new people but saw a few people standing around looking really new, which they were new even to lifestyle. Roomie wanted to play with one so I put aside my shyness to go talk to her. She didn't turn out to be a match for him but introduced another's hat was. So I met another nice person. A very skilled Dom came in who I had heard of but never met so I introduced myself to him. I was feeling quite socialable. Also talked to a few people I knew but hadn't seen in awhile since I don't get there often. I wound up being roomie go for girl. Helping him with his scene getting things he needed and cleaning up after him. What are friends for. Rewarded with a head massage. Which is all I want from roomate. We are just close friends. Watched a few scenes. Laughed at myself when I saw some knife play. I'm like a Pavlonian dog. Show me a knife and I start to drool. From 2 places. Saw a new toy. A pervert able. Have to get one. Oh yeah I bought myself some presents there also. Nice galley whip, a bastard stick, and a rope cutter. Sometimes I wonder about my sanity buying such Ouchy things. But it hurts so good. I never did play but I was fine with that. Knew I was going to see my friends Thursday.
Was another fantastic visit with my friends. Great dinner and conversation. Got a honey tasting. There truly is a big difference in tastes. Tupelo honey rocks. While having a cup of real English tea with honey I got some mantras and lifelong assignments. Can't wait to read the first book. Then to the dungeon. Laying on my slave carpet. He hurt me so good. He made me laugh. He made me cry. Then some snuggles. Then one of the best parts of the whole day. I rubbed a knot out of Her arm and massaged Her back and made Her melt. Then I crawled under the table and massaged her foot exactly how She likes it. Two years ago you couldn't have convinced me that laying naked under a table rubbing feet would make me feel so fucking good. The petting and "good girl"s afterwards fill me with love. Then to His feet. I feel such fulfillment serving them and they are just my friends. One day I will serve One that I will belong to. But until then I am so very thankful for my Friends.
And They will always be friends no matter what. Anyone that can't handle that is not a match for me. A good Dom for me will know that having more love in my life just makes me a better person and sub. Will appreciate all the knowledge, experience and joy They have given me. And will understand that there is much others can learn from Them also. So would also embrace Their friendship. Bc couldn't ask for better friends. Someone I talk to online told me there are friends and then there are good friends. One is like silver, the other gold. Sir HJ and MB are platinum. |
|
|
|
|
Ok I think I'm caught up on emails. Oops nope not quite. Need to get scene reports done though. But they are harder to write at work bc they take so much thought. Gotta get em done soon though |
|
|
|
|
Had a fantastic week. Got a lot accomplished atu dads old trailer. Cleaning out shed throwing a lot away and deciding what to sell at yard sale and what I want to keep. Then spent 2 days at Friends' house. They are such fantastic friends. They take care of many of my needs and they love me too. They have taught me so much and given me so many new experiences as well as delving a little deeper with things already experienced. My new experience this week wasn't even bdsm related. For my Vday present She took me for a pedicure. Couldn't quit looking at my feet after. Felt so pretty. Then He took us to dinner and we had a fun time there. Did I mention I love them. They are great friends and I will never give up that friendship. So anyone that can't handle that should not waste their time with me. I gave up playing with them for a Dom but wouldn't give up visiting. Big part of the reason he's an ex. But it made him show true colors and wasn't right for me. If and when I consider getting serious with anyone they will have to meet my Friends. And hopefully everyone likes each other. Would really be fantastic if we could all be friends and I wouldn't have to give up play. Play does not mean sex. Hell if it was a sexual relationship I wouldn't be looking any further. |
|
|
|
|
Laughs. I always see doms, or so their profile says, complain about how rude subs are that don't respond when they send a note. Yet wish I had a dollar for every unreturned hello. I could buy myself dinner and a drink. Maybe they don't like more than one line hellos bc it shows signs of intelligence. Oh well once again I choose to be amused. Gonna do dinner and a drink anyway. |
|
|
|
|
Allowing someone to piss me off is giving them control over my emotions. I will not allow that. I am controlling myself. I am a good girl and an honorable, strong woman. Wondering how I could have been so wrong about someone. Not sure I will trust so easily. But that sucks bc that means he has affected me negatively. Yet how could it not. No I will not allow it. He can not hurt me. Only hurts himself. |
|
|
|
|
Had a good day yesterday. Lots of sleep. Then put aside my shyness and met a group of people didnt know for dinner. Was a really fun time. And it turns out one of the girls works same place I do. Have talked on phone thousands of times but never seen her. Small world.
Got one of my scene reports done and some housecleaning. Good day all around. Today I have company coming soon... Damn need to hit the shower now. Then get another scene report done. Hopefully tomorrow it's off to see my friends. Should turn out to be a great week all in all.
Looking forward to the Floida Bash. Hot things planned there. 4 months away though. Never know what happens between now and then. |
|
|
|
|
Ok. I'm a big girl and understand life likes to fuck with me. No more tears. Moving on. Taking a different path. Do some sightseeing on the way. Don't know where it leads. Maybe to a high cliff. Do I got the balls to jump? Fuck yeah. Not scared anymore. All roads lead to pain. Sometimes emotional. But I heal fast. If I can just keep from picking at it. So no more thoughts of what if or why didn't I. I'd rather regret what I did do than what I didn't. |
|
|
|
|
Ok I'm better now. Making list of things to be grateful for. How lucky I am. Can't let some hurt feelings keep me down. I am strong. I am worthy. I am me and one day someone special will appreciate me and and be proud to possess me. Until then I love me. My friends love me. The little family I have loves me. |
|
|
|
|
Sometimrs really could use hugs but know it would make me cry more. Having hard time keeping positive attitude. Part of me screaming fuck it. But it's just pain. Breathe through it. It stops. I'm overeacting I know. Just breathe. Searching mind for the building materials for the wall. Sleep. Must sleep. I'll be fine when I wake up. Just another learning experience. I'm going to be really smart one day |
|
|
|
|
Might have to turn in my slut badge. Just can't get into cheap meaningless sex even if it would be great. Bought a shake weight to get arms and wrists stronger and have more endurance...lol. Electric bill was getting high. |
|
|
|
|
Feeling a tattoo or 2 coming on. Need to feel the needles |
|
|
|
|
Very sharp, shiny. Pointy things make me drool. Mmmm. Whispers in my ear. Knees get weak. |
|
|
|
|
Sometimes I am amazed:
That doms don't think they need to be cautious bc subs are so harmless they could never hurt a big bad dom. Don't they think about the big bad gun or switchblade that might be in her purse.
That married men really think their wife could never find out. Did they never see Fatal Attraction. Has there never been a sub who has issues and called the wife.
That there are still so many that don't use condoms. Maybe it's just another way of playing on the edge. |
|
|
|
|
What a fantastic surprise. Spent an hour texting with ex wife. We are finally at the point can be friends. One more thing in my life to be glad of |
|
|
|
|
Focus on the positive. My life is really good in almost all ways. Have a few friends and little family that loves me. I'm healthy and have a good job. I get my ass beat almost every week. Quit pouting and do something good for myself. Take my sweet dog for a walk. |
|
|
|
|
Wonder why so many pics the people aren't smiling. Isn't this supposed to be fun. I even laugh while playing. It's not disrespect I am having a great time. A scream can be followed by uncontrollable laughter. |
|
|
|
|
There's a difference between controlling me and manipulating. One involves honesty and brings us closer. The other just makes me defensive and might achieve your goals in the short term but will never make me yours. |
|
|
|
|
Wow. Got called a pain slut like that's a bad thing. That is a part of who i am. Told him that I'm the beginning. But it's only a part of me. Much more complex than that. I wish it was that simple. |
|
|
|
|
I feel so young. Dom broke up with me by text. Is that high school or junior high. Don't know we didn't have cell phones way back then. I'm ok though. I'm sad but will remember the good times and lessons learned. I wish him well. Maybe we can even be friends one day. Until then best wishes to a good man and a caring Dom that is not perfect but he tried. We just werent suited for each other. Hope I sleep tonight. |
|
|
|
|
Really doubtful that most who claim to be experts really are. Especially when under 25 yrs old. How did they become experts. Born as bdsm prodigies? Been practicing skills since teens? Maybe I use the right brain and am think along logical lines. But even those with a natural talent need to practice and work on it to truly be expert and not just self proclaimed. |
|
|
|
|
I feel like I've been beaten and had needles stuck in my ass. Was a most delightful night. |
|
|
|
|
Working my usual weekend doubles. Will ring in the new year here at work. Oh well keep me out of trouble. It's family time for Dom so my being a good girl would be tested. I'm sure I could pass but as of right now getting paid time and a half holiday pay. Be safe all who are ringing in the new year out. |
|
|
|
|
One reason I never play head games is I always lose. It's not that I'm stupid. I'm just not good with subtleties. In my world yes means yes and no means maybe. Lol. If I'm in trouble may as well go for it and be a smartass too. What a bad attitude. Yes I am ashamed of myself. But I'm not in the mood to cry so I'm going to laugh instead. |
|
|
|
|
In trouble again. Sigh. I try to be good. I asked permission and Sir said yes. I thought that meant yes. Didn't understand I was still supposed to say no I should wait until my Dom is here. Fuck. Maybe I am too literal and yes means yes to me. Or maybe I suck as an owned sub. Well I do suck. And swallow. Yummy. Starting to feel better with those thoughts. If any subs read this and wouldn't mind giving me an opinion on my fuck up please message me. Thanks |
|
|
|
|
Been awhile since I couldn't get to sleep. I know He wants me to sleep. But tonight I can't. Have read some, watch tv, nothing but time wasted. Should be working on my to do list instead of wasting time online. Sorry Sir. |
|
|
|
|
I thought I had accepted that I don't sunspace deep. Doesn't matter as long as having fun. But I guess I'm shallow bc couldn't help but be a little jealous of everyone so spaced at dungeon they couldn't barely walk. Fuck help me off the bench give me a second to mke sure I have balance and I'm just freaking fine. Oh well I laughed more than they did |
|
|
|
|
Ok so i think im a bit weird. I don't cry while I'm being beat (well not often) I cry during the aftercare. I just get filled with emotion. It just feels so good to have someone that cares enough to want me to be completely fulfilled. I've experienced the caring before but couldn't be completely fulfilled bc of circumstances. But now I've almost got it all. My Sir gives me the perfect combination of pain/pleasure controlled/freedom with alot of fun thrown in Being owned isn't quite as easy as I expected. Taking a bit of adjusting on my part. I'm not used to asking permission for anything but to cum. Now I'm asking permission to go places and do things. Its usually granted but I have to remember to ask. This is what I have been waiting for so it should be easy. I'm looking forward to when it becomes second nature, then we can move on to the next step. Not sure what that is but am told we are taking things one step at a time. That's another thing need to work on is patience and not worrying Abt tomorrow just enjoy today. Smiles...can't help but look forward to Saturday though. Going to The Woodshed. So truly life is really good. And hoping it just keeps getting better. |
|
|
|
|
Life is going so well for me now. New relationship is working out really good. Sadistic, sensual and sexual. Respectful and fun.
I have such great friends also. Couldn't ask for better. My new Dom met them last night. We had dinner and stayed the night. They let us use the dungeon. What a fantastic night.
Still need to meet a sub I can play with though. I miss the feel, smell, taste and touch of a woman. Friends first though of course. She won't have to play with him but I would want him to be there. Doesn't have to be..he doesn't want to deny that part of me. Damn I'm a lucky girl |
|
|
|
|
Had to remove piercing week after I got it. Broke the ball on the ring. It was a little infected also so got convinced should just take it out and let it heal. On bright side it means I get to get pierced again.
Another spur of the moment decision that has worked out well is dinner date the same night as tat and piercing. Had really just began talking to him but said wtf why not dinner. We have a lot in common and have been working on building our friendship and pursuing D/s relationship. Moving kind of fast but yet seems like we've known each other much longer. Not exactly perfect but pretty fucking good. I don't feel liike I would be settling, more like compromising. Just have to decide if I can live without certain things and live with others. But I'm definitely leaning towards giving myself completely...no holding back this time.
Stiill interested in frienship but please don't waste your time with me if you're looking for a sub. Going to be taking this part of my journey with Merlin. |
|
|
|
|
Had to remove piercing week after I got it. Broke the ball on the ring. It was a little infected also so got convinced should just take it out and let it heal. On bright side it means I get to get pierced again.
Another spur of the moment decision that has worked out well is dinner date the same night as tat and piercing. Had really just began talking to him but said wtf why not dinner. We have a lot in common and have been working on building our friendship and pursuing D/s relationship. Moving kind of fast but yet seems like we've known each other much longer. Not exactly perfect but pretty fucking good. I don't feel liike I would be settling, more like compromising. Just have to decide if I can live without certain things and live with others. But I'm definitely leaning towards giving myself completely...no holding back this time.
Stiill interested in frienship but please don't waste your time with me if you're looking for a sub. Going to be taking this part of my journey with Merlin. |
|
|
|
|
Got another tattoo last night. And sppur of the moment go belly botton pierced. Felt good getting it but very annoying as night went on and skirt rubbed against it. Sometimes spur of the moment things work out really well. |
|
|
|
|
Think I'm going to get another tattoo tonight. At least one, maybe two if. Artist is finished drawing up one I want. Actually he's working on 2 for me. Should stay home and clean more but he finally has time. And I deserve it. Being a free sub does have its advantages. Tattoos whenever I want. Bedtime whenever I want. Smiles...see I can see the bright side of things. No Monday gloomies yesterday. Won't have time for them rest of the week. Sleepy now. Goodnight irene. Lol...wonder. if anyone will wonder who the hell is irene. |
|
|
|
|
Respect goes both ways...I am submissive but still worthy of respect.
Just because I don't feel submissive to you doesn't make me less of a submissive nor you less of a dominant.
Self proclaimed doms are really quite amusing. Thank you for the online lol. |
|
|
|
|
Its true that I mostly write here when I'm sad or discouraged. This leads some to think I'm a negative person. The truth is I do feel down sometimes and I vent by writing here. But if one was to read more entries..or notice the amount of time between them...they could also surmise that the rest of the time I am happy and cheerful. I choose to be amused.
So its not new years yet and I never make resolutions anyyway. But I'm going to start writing happy thoughts (lol..that phrase makes me think of drug therapy for reason.) Well enorphins are my drug of choice. Smiles...and endorphins are definitely happy thoughts.
Happy thought for today...going to a dinner party with special friends. Wonders if I will have to keep my clothes on. I am happy naked and in leather cuffs. Or even just naked. Medium to high protocol dinner. I can show that my friends have trained me well to be a submissive to their liking. Which doesn't mean a good submissive. Bc everyone has different expectations and needs from a sub. But I am trainable. I love to learn. I am sure I will learn new things at this dinner. It is always interesting to me to meet different people in the lifestyle and observe the similarities and differences.
Until I have another urge to write..play hard..be safe. |
|
|
|
|
Wishing I had been brought into the lifestyle years ago when doms had to be mentored and live it to know how to sound like one instead of just reading about it on the computer. Same can be said for subs also I'm sure. Of course if it wasn't for computer I. Might never have accepted my submissive side. Bc somehow in all my wanderings and adventures through my life I never had anyone introduce me to this. Guess I was definitely hanging out with the wrong crowd. Trying to find friends to hang out with now. |
|
|
|
|
Kissed another frog. Its been a year now since I first explored my submission. I've kissed some frogs looking for my prince. I've met some I wouldn't kiss. And I've talked to aalot of toads I wouldn't even meet. I have met some wonderful people that I call friends, as well as Sir, Ma'm and Daddy. I've screamed in ecstasy and pain. I've cried from pain. Iive shed tears from disappointments and laughed at so much that amuses me. But mostly I have learned and grrown and I love the journey. |
|
|
|
|
Getting things done today. Smiles..might get rewarded for being a good girl. |
|
|
|
|
Life is much better w/ sleep and food. I began to see bright side to things again yesterday b time I woke up. AC is fixed, alrm system fixed and met a new friend. Slept in today. Life is good. |
|
|
|
|
Had a bad weekend at work. Some things not going so well outside work. Thats life for ya, I'm so tired i just want to sleep with maybe some good dreams. But cant go to bed yet, Tired makes me emotional. Deep breath. Focus on all the good things in my life. I'm healthy, have a good job and a few (very few ok maybe 4) friends that care about me. I have a dog that loves me (not in a way) and cats that pretend to like me when they want something. I get my ass spanked or otherwise beaten almost every week. Now if only i had been born rich instead of beautiful. Or beautiful instead of smart. Dammit i want it all. If my parents were alive i'd have to talk to them about this kid they made. They missed perfect by a long shot. Oh well they did their best with what they had to work with. SO this is me. Take me or leave me, i dont really give a fuck. thats kind of rude. Guess i still need to work on being sweet all the time like a good girl. That would be a miracle in itself. |
|
|
|
|
Had to refocus. I was not being a good sub for a few weeks. Didn't turn in scene reports, letting things go. Figured wtf..I can't get in trouble with anyone really. No one really has any authority over me. Who's going to punish me. But then realized I was punishing myself bc I felt like shit. Being a submissive is not dependent on anyone else. It is what's in my head and my heart that makes me a sub. Discipline comes from within first. I need to work on that. Have very little self discipline but its going to be a focus. Quit wasting my time and get things done. Going to start a list. Tomorrow...lol. so I still procrastinate. But I've developed some patience. That's the good and bad with me these days. |
|
|
|
|
Tattoo #15 done. !6 and maybe !7 tomorrow. 18 is being drawn. !9 will wait awhile. No i dont have an addictive personality..lol. I was a good girl and waited all summer. But summer is over. Although if i was truly a good girl i would have stayed home and typed email that is a week late. I'm so unfocused. Lacking in discipline. NO wonder i'm single. OR maybe im unfocused because im single. EIther way i have a beautiful new tattoo. And if felt good too. Whoa..that sounds a bit bratty. REgroups and going to bed. Will write the email tomorrow for sure. Did i mention how bad i procrastinate? DOnt you just wish you had a sub just like me....lol. Sometimes you gotta say f**k it. My father used to joke saying i was "cruisin for a bruisin". But serioulsy folks..lol. Laughs at myself. I think i might be a little spacey from tat. BEtter get my ass to bed before i do find trouble. Goodnight Alice. WHo the fuck is alice? |
|
|
|
|
When life gives you lemons..do needleplay. Mmmm..feel the burn. Big grin! |
|
|
|
|
Gnashes teeth in frustration. Trying not to go get another tattoo. But i wants one and dont have anyone to stop me. Lol..yes that sounds as bratty as Im feeling. Time to meditate. Can one do needleplay on themselves? Think i'll google it. |
|
|
|
|
Realized another way I know there are some real people on this site...sometimes a Dom will send a message just with words of encouragement after reading a journal entry. Not wanting anthing from me. Just sharing some wisdom or knowledge. That's real. |
|
|
|
|
I have decided on a new attitude. I have wasted too much time and energy searching for someone special. Too much time being sad about what I don't have. But from now on I just appreciate what I do have and not waste precious time on bs. So I don't care that I'm single and prob will remain so for who knows how long. It doesn't matter. I have good friends a good job, my health and will just find some friends to hang out with and maybe play maybe not. Life is too short to not appreciate it. Maybe one day when the stars are lined up just right, even better things will be in my future. Maybe not. Either way I am happy. So for now I only need friends. Smiles. |
|
|
|
|
Sorry to say but its true...when my feelings get hurt I sometimes have a bratty new jerk reaction. I am not usually a brat but rarely I slip. I accept responisbilty and punishment for it. But if you really can not tolerate even a hint of brat you should probably not waste time with me. |
|
|
|
|
Flipflopping between giving up completely and just rolling with the punches. The disappointments hit so hard when i allow myself to hope. Yet someone just told me it is the hurt and the disappointments that build character. Kind of like scars i guess. But scar tissue does harden after repeated hurts. Yet i spent most of my life guarding my emotions and had built walls. It was safe, but i wasn't really feeling. So which is better? Safe isnt necessarily good. SOme of the scarier things i have tried have been the most awesome. So i guees im just going to suck it up, learn from where i went wrong, and hope maybe the next time will not be such a let down. I'm tough i can take it. Ding ding...next round. Not going to keep me down. |
|
|
|
|
More on Pain...
Pain can teach. Pain can block. Pain can create. Pain can destroy. Pain can make you numb or it can make you feel more intensely. Pain can make you fly. Pain can be your enemy or it can become your friend. Pain comes from many sources. Pain doesnt have to be physical. I'd much rather see the bruises than just feel the ache on the insde.
LOL...have you ever broken your own heart? Talk about self flagellation. But life goes on.
Look to the future. I hope. I dream. It could happen.
|
|
|
|
|
Pain has so many uses. Stress reliever or foreplay. Can hide behind it but it can also break down the walls. Pain can be punishment or pleasure. Pain can create a bond between people.
Life is short. I need to make better use of my time. |
|
|
|
|
My profile so badly needs to be updated but i just dont have the time. Suffice it to say for now im not the same girl i was when it was written. I have learned and grown alot since then. Hopefully one day soon i will have time to update it to reflect more of who i am and what i need.
If you want to know more about me, the person, then message me please. I answer almost every polite message i get. If you just want to know my kinks, please read the list and be happy with that. I don't want to cyber or cam with you. I dont want to be your jerk off material. I dont have anything against the above..its just not for me. So enjoy yourself but dont waste my time or yours. |
|
|
|
|
Life is good. Had a good night of attitude adjustment. I really am a luckyy girl that has no right or reason to snivel. When the time and person(s) is right I will become completely fulfilled. Until then I will quit letting things bring me down and enjoy life and this lifestyle for what it has to offer. Peace out. |
|
|
|
|
I think i need a vacation. Where should i go? I hate traveling alone but fuck it why wait for someone else. I'm thinking Grand Canyon maybe. Wonder what its like there in October. I hate cold. Maybe a cruise but ive been on those. Need to go somewhere new. Have to wait until October for enough vacation days to travel. Gives me time to think. Something to concentrate on and look forward to. |
|
|
|
|
Amazing how much better I feel after sleeping. Ate something. Now a walk with the dog and life will be beautiful again.
Sometimes making the best decision hurts and its strange how something positive can actually reopen the cut and dump salt on it.
Its not been a bad experience though. I have learned and grown. Funny, that was one of my concerns that he wouldn't teach me anything. But time for the next chapter. Maybe this one will be a love story. |
|
|
|
|
If I had known this journey would have made me cry so much would I have taken the first step. I have shed more tears in the last nine months than probably the previous nine years...maybe ninetteen. I've always hated to cry. Even as a child I didn't cry much. But its the price to be paid for enlightened and self realization. Not all have beeen tears of sadness or disappointment. There have been rare tears of fear that make me feel so alive. There have been tears of pain when beaten with a belt or some other thing I wish would end but am happy to be feeling. There have been tears of overwhelming emotion that had to be released. Tears can be bitter...I so wish those would stop. Tears are almost always salty. And tears can be sweet. Did I mention tears of joy. Personally I prefer laughter. But thinking of that makes me cry again. Lol...more tired ramblings by me |
|
|
|
|
Thanks to all who sent kind words when I was feeling down. A quote I found on the profile of KeyMaster 55 put things back in perspective for me.."The beauty of the picture far outweighs the frustrations of putting the puzzle pieces together". To me this means in the end all the frustrations and disappointments and bullshit will be worth the awesomeness of a healthy D/s relationship. In the meantime I must appreciate my friends and teachers. And the search continues. |
|
|
|
|
I feel like a commercial "Depression hurts". Slept all day and my body is very unhappy with me. Think ill go back to sleep. |
|
|
|
|
For a lifestyle that is supposed to be based on open and honest communication, so many lack even fundamental skills. i know i still need to work on mine, i have trouble expressing my thoughts and feelings sometimes. but at least i can communicate with more than one word or sentence at a time. Didn;t we learn that before kindergarten. i dont have kids but i think its like a milestone of around age 2 or 3 to be able to string words together in a sentence. |
|
|
|
|
Pandora's box, once opened, willl not shut. I opened it. It is fun, thrilling, exciting, dangerous, passion, pleasure and pain. But also confusing, frustrating, and sad. Was it worth it? WOuld i shut it if i could? Probably not because there are still mysteries which elude me. it seemed like i caught a glimpse but thats all for now. Maybe someday. |
|
|
|
|
So sad...feeling kind of empty. I thought I had found someone special...and he is special...but not going to own me. Maybe its just not meant to be. Maybe I'm not ready to be owned. Maybe I need to work on me. Maybe I think too fucking much. Maybe I am chasing a dream. Maybe its a fucking conspiracy and everything I've heard and read about D/s relationship is bullshit perpetuated by unhappy people that want us to think its possible. Maybe its possible for others. Want to curl in. A ball for awhile. Let the tears flow but I'm at work. Off tomorrow will spend time then re-evaluating. Should I give up. Probably I should appreciate the wonderful people I do have in my life. I'm sure that's what I will do but for now I want to be sad. 6 more hours to go. I should delete this..I sound like a whiner...oh woe is me. But honesty and letting myself feel even when I don't want to is something I've been working on. So fuck it...this is honestly how I feel. What I hate even more is I hurt him. I might deserve it but I hate hurting others. Didn't mean to. Hopefully giving up now hurts less than if it would later. Should my journey end now...maybe I could just exist. Daddy why did you give me too much time to think bc it was great when I would just feel. Fuck. |
|
|
|
|
The closer I get the more I realize how far I still have to go. |
|
|
|
|
THere are things to talk about that can't really be conveyed over the phone. I've felt a little distant over the weekend and i would like to find out if its my imagination or because i was feeling sad or if one of us really is withdrawing a little. I don't think i'm ready to be owned yet. I was reading Slavecraft and the essay on obedience and i am nowhere near that point yet. Of course i'm not a slave either. But if i'm questioning in my mind so much if its right then i'm fairly certain its either not or i'm just not ready to take that plunge. I trust him with my body but not my heart. Is it him or maybe i'm not capable of giving myself that completely? It makes me sad to think about it. But i do feel so good when he holds me and hurts me. When he wraps his hand in the chain around my neck, not tightening it but letting me know he's in control. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Let's see...what's new since I've written. I have 13 tattoos now and am getting one more this upcoming week. Then I really need to stop for awhile. Get them all healed and enjoy the pool, hot tub and even beach for awhile. Plus I should spend some money on house instead of tattoos. Such a pain to have people come into my house to do work though.
I don't spend much time home. If it wasn't for my dog I would be there even less. I don't neglect her. My roomate (that's kind of new too but going good...he's lifestyle so understands me but we;re just friends) let's her out and feeds her and the cats when I'm not home. He also gives her some loving. And I have the most fantastic pet sitter I get to walk dog and play with her and cats. Then whenever I'm home I play soccer ball with her and give her lots of cuddles. So it really doesn't suck to be her even if she would like a little more time with me.
The Dom/Domme couple I've been training with are absolutely fantastic. They made my bday the best ever. And I've had a few bdays...47. I have learned so much about the lifestyle and myself from them. If things were just a little bit different I would be begging to be owned by them. But that's not meant to be. But I am very thankful for everything they give and do to me. Probably the best thing I've learned about me is I am really submissive. I had been having doubts as I didn't really completely submit to anyone before Him. I was beginning to think I was just a painslut. But while I am a bit (relative term) masochistic, I truly am happiest when serving. I've also learned the beauty of complete trust. Pain can be so intimate. And tears are not something that I should be ashamed of.
Very new is a wonderfully sadistic yet erotic Dom I have just started spending time with. I knew I really wanted to meet him when I heard him say "I want to hurt you". Yes very strange but those were such sweet words to me. Sharing my pain, it makes it even more enjoyable. Weird also to feel so safe with someone that has every intention of causing me pain. But pain given as a way to bring us closer. To give pleasure. The joy of being held close and soothed. It feels like we;ve known each other longer, yet we are really just beginning to know each other. Will be interesting to see where this path may lead.
So life has been very good to me lately. And the amazing thing is I met both the couple and the single dom here on CM. So there really are some real people here. Just have to weed through the rest and not give up hope. |
|
|
|
|
TIme has passed quickly. Its a few months later. I don't really consider myself a newbie any more. I've had some great experiences. My limits have definitely changed. i'm getting some much needed training from a wonderful Dom/Domme couple. The most valuable thing i have learned so far is that i truly am submissive and not just a painslut. I was beginning to wonder since i never felt that i was giving up control of more than my body to anyone i played with. That is not the case now. i just hadnt played with anyone in such a long time that is dominant enough or that i trust enough to let nyself be free. Its been quite a revelation for me. But i still have so far to go.
Still havent been in subspace since that one time 5 months ago. It almost feels like i just dreamed i was there. For awhile i was thinking subspace might just be something made up to frustrate us newbies that don't get there. But i have seen others in subspace. So i know its real. Whats it going to take for me to get back there. I have played hard, i have cum hard and alot. But still it eludes me. Fuck it who needs it. As long as what i do feels good then thats good enough.
Whats really frustrating to me is that despite all the good that is happening to me, i am still lonely. I crave completion. Its like Maslows hierarchy of needs. My physical needs are being met. I get my pain fix, i get to cum. my intellectual needs are being met. I am learning so much about myself and about the lifestyle. But my emotional and spiritual needs are only being partially met. I want someone to hold me, to love me, to make me crave them like no other. I want to be special. I want to belong to someone special.
A friend gave me some relationship advice on why i am single. He said "you have to learn to compromise (agreed). You need to settle for what you can get." Fuck that. I will not settle. I'm lonely not desperate. Actually the more i learn the less likely i am to settle. I have learned and see how good a D/s relationship can be and that is what i want....nothing less will do. ANd the more i learn about myself, that i really will be a good submissive, that i am worthy of what i want, the less likely i am to settle. So one day i will settle down, but i wll not fucking settle. |
|
|
|
|
Impatience is trying to rear its ugly head. But i got it this time. There is no reason for it. My journey is progressing, life is good.
Its kind of ironic how it is so much easier to trust someone with my body, to use, to hurt, sometimes with dangerous implements, than it is to trust someone with my heart and emotions. Its very rare for someone to be hospitalized from hurt feelings or to die from a broken heart. Yet i still find myself wearing protective armor that can't be seen, only felt. But i dont have a problem being physically naked and vulnerable, trusting that i won't be harmed. I need to ponder the reasoning behind this more.
I had another kind of revelation last night while talking to someone. I had to laugh bc i found myself telling him i was probably a bit too extreme for him. When did this happen? How much ive changed in a few short months. I started my journey very wary of pain, The term sadist had me ready to run and hide. My limits were many. Now i find myself drawn to edge play. I am more submissive than i ever thought possible, might even posseess a few slave tendencies although i stiill am very doubtful about that. And pain is my addiction. I still want someone to love and cherish me like no other. But if you can't hurt me, well the most we can hope for is to be friends. I wear my marks proudly. Yet pain alone is not enough. Any fool can leave bruises. Its the giving of the pain in exchange for the giving up of control that i crave, And for that to work for me the dominant must be strong. Not jsut physically, but in spirit as well.
I will have to probably edit this later so that it makes more sense. Once again, im rambling while tired. |
|
|
|
|
Laughs at my last entry. I still feel that way though. I really have grown so much, especially lately. I have had the good fortune to be playing with a fantastic couple and also receiving submissive training from another incredible couple. I am one lucky slut. So my life is very full of fun and excitement, learning and experiencing so much. Not sure where this path is going to lead me, but i have great guides. So i'm going to keep the blindfold on and follow where they lead me.
I will always have time for friends. I don't think it would be possible to have too many. But i won't be pursuing anything more than frienship for now. So please don't waste your valuable time messaging me looking for more.
|
|
|
|
|
Life has been really good to me lately. New friends, new experiences, new hope. New bruises, new feelings. So close to flying but not quite made it there yet. Learning more about the lifestyle, more about me. I love to learn. So I have a big smile, sometimes a big grin. Only one thing missing and i am hopeful that soon love will find me. LOL..i sound like a romantic instead of the painslut i am. But there is no rule against being both. I have been whats held me back. I like to be tied, restrained, but i won't be bound by my own limited thinking any more. Im going to fly....be free...just wait and see. |
|
|
|
|
Its fairly rare that I let myself get down in the dumps. But then I am reminded that I really am a lucky girl, i have my health, i have some awesome friends, and i have an accepting family. Wouldnt trade any of them...well maybe some of the family...lol. I refuse to let anyone bring me down for long. Yes i may shed a tear or even cry a bucket but then I remember that the good times wouldnt be nearly as sweet if there werent bad times to compare them to. So i will try not to be disillusioned or discouraged and continue to keep my eyes and heart open to the possiblities.
I got another new tattoo to commemorate a chapter in my life. This one closed a chapter. The one I got last week was to celebrate the new path I am on. Got them in kind of the wrong order, but hell a confused state can be fun, or at least my body thinks so. Which reminds me of the next tattoo I am going to get. Yes they are addictive too. |
|
|
|
|
Wonders what about not interested in online or long distance relationship is so hard to understand. More perplexing is why someone would bother saying they want to meet, then when agreed...they have an excuse not to. Open honest communication is supposed to be key in this lifestyle. Where is it? Seems like alot of lip service and not of the right kind. Wonders why the fuck I bother...because i have no choice. A sub is who I am and I have to believe that somewhere in the close proximity is the One i am looking for. So i keep trying because to give up is to give up on me and all that i can and hope to be. And i will not settle. So to you head game playing wannabes...go play the game with someone else. Sighs. |
|
|
|
|
|
