SaloNH

Back (sort of) after a long absence. Uploaded some new images to get you ready for summer.

I'm curious, when did the process of taking a submissive into ones life come with the requirement that one must financially support that person so they can sit around all day watching TV and eating Doritos? Yes, yes, yes I know the line "A Dominant must do that so the submissive can give all of their focus to the Dominants needs." What a load of crap, my needs are for you to get off your ass and do something constructive with yourself rather than expect me to do everything for you. I mean honestly, who's the sub and who's the Dom in this situation? Some of you folks need to take a little pride in yourselves and find some kind of interest beyond having an easy life. If I wanted a whore I'd pay for one, they are generally a lot cuter than most of the people out here and they go home when you're done with them. Try getting off your ass and doing something before that ass grows so big it puts a divit in the couch.

About my art....

Much of the contact I receive here on CollarMe and on F/L comes from people who have viewed the portfolio of my art that I keep on my F/L profile (under the user name SaloNH). For the most part this contact has been very positive, coming from people who have taken the time to view my work and feel the need to comment on specific pieces or on the body of work as a whole. While I can?t say that everyone loves all my work, no artist can do that, I do want to thank everyone who has taken the time to view my photos and send their thoughts to me about them. An artist learns a lot about their work from those who comment about it, and both the positive and negative thoughts are constructive. They can tell me where I went right with a photo, as well as where I went wrong with one, and that?s helpful as an artist as much as it is appreciated. It?s also just as helpful, and flattering for the models that I have used in some of my images, as I do send them their reviews when I get them. So again, I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to view and comment on my work.

Now while as I said that most of the comments I get about my portfolio have been constructive, this is the online medium and as such there?s always going to be exceptions to that. Those of us who have spent any time online on these social networking websites know full well there are those damaged souls out there who are just going to be mean for mean?s sake. It comes with the territory and you do get used to it after a while, its life. While I do take the haters comments with a grain of salt and can easily put them aside, there is one comment that I receive every once in a while sort of baffles me.

A number of different people have asked me why, on a website devoted to the BDSM lifestyle, I choose to include ?straight? or ?vanilla? fine art photography in my portfolio along with my fine art nudes and fetish focused erotica? I admit, I don?t really understand if it?s a comment made to be a criticism or if it?s one that?s coming from uninformed or unappreciative minds. But for the record, my profile is made as a representation of me and who I am both in and out of the lifestyle. In my opinion that?s what makes a well rounded soul, one that has different interests and abilities that go beyond the base. These create facets and I feel a person with more facets is a more interesting person, a more grounded person and all in all a better human being. If a person chooses to be a one trick pony, that of course is their choice to do so, but that is not me. BDSM is my ground, it?s where I grow from, but I have and do grow, and those facets I create, both the vanilla and not, make me a stronger whole, and to me that?s what is most important. I choose to show my art, both vanilla and erotica together, because that?s who I am and that?s what I do. Some will appreciate it, and some won?t and that?s fine to me, as I?ve said before I?m not here to win a universal popularity contest. I am only here to show who I am, truthfully, as a man and as a Dominant in this lifestyle, and to me my art is the best representation of that I can give to people.

I have been very lucky to be able to develop the vision and talent to create what I feel is good art that represents me as a person and an artist. I?m lucky to be able to meet others who share my interests in art and photography and in some cases work with them to create great art, erotic or not. I?m proud of the work I?ve done with them, and proud to let that work represent me. Not many people online can say that they have that much of themselves in their profile. So many people out here have profiles that are so one dimensional that they give no idea of the person as a whole, and because of that the relationships that they make online are shallow or fail, because they only represent the one side of themselves that pertains to the website de jour and all other aspects of themselves and their personalities are ignored. Yet it?s the aspects of themselves they ignore that in the end cause the relationships they make fail. I hope to overcome that as much as I can in my own profile, so I include as much of myself in mine as I am able. This goes hand in hand with my portfolio, the people I work with and the images I make represent me, as a Dominant in the lifestyle and as a man in life, and to me that?s what a good profile should do. It will anger some, instill jealousy in some, create contempt in some, and scare some away. But it will also intrigue some, inspire some, instill admiration in some and even turn on some and those people will want to learn more. Those are the people I want to get to know better and those people are why I am here, it?s for those people that my profile and portfolio are made.

This is something that I briefly touched upon in my profile, but it?s something I think I need to reiterate and expand upon here in my journal for some people. It is extremely rare for me to initiate contact with someone here on CM or online in general. I?ll only make first contact with you if I find something within your profile that so strongly resonates with me and who I am, either as a Dominant or as a person, that I feel compelled to contact you. The profiles that are most likely to instill this response in me are ones that are very intelligently thought out and extremely well written, generally by people who identify themselves as artists in their own right. These are people who I feel I have common interests with and that, I believe above all else, is the best starting point for conversation and potentially more. Beyond people who have that going for them, you can pretty much rest assure that I will not be the one to first contact you, regardless of how pretty a picture you have in your profile or how many times you choose to view my profile. This doesn?t mean that I don?t want to speak with you; it just means that it?s up to you to initiate first contact.

The reasons why I choose not to make first contact out here are 2 fold, the first reason being that I don?t want to be thought of as one of those people on CM who sends out a form letter style e-mail to every woman who?s profile identifies them as local to me, in the desperate hope that one or 2 of them will respond. In my opinion that is not the right way to meet people, in the BDSM or out of it, and especially not the way to meet others who are right for me. That kind of trolling isn?t who I am or what I?m about and it?s never going to be who I become. There are enough of those people on CM already, they know who they are and most of us do too, I don?t want to be seen as one of them.

The second reason and I think perhaps the most important reason why I prefer to not initiate first contact is because I?ve found that during my time on CM and on other sites like it, the most important and profound relationships that I?ve made on these sites have been with those who?ve made contact with me first. I think that this is largely due to the fact that when a woman takes the time to make first contact with a Dominant, she does so for the same reasons that I tend to have when I make first contact with people, because she sees something within me that resonates with her and what she?s looking for in a Dominant. Because of this interest it makes her invested in the potential of a possible relationship and that makes the relationship more profound for both parties. You rarely find women who send out the form letter e-mails to multiple males like men out here do, and if you do run across one, 9 times out of 10 she?s a fake. Most women have more respect for themselves and their potential relationships than most men do, so when they make first contact they tend to do so for the potential of a relationship, where as most men do so for the potential of sex. Happily I?m not like most men.

So please, those of you who repeatedly view my profile and or add me to their friends and admired lists, doing so will most likely not provoke me to contact you. I?ve tried that in the past and found that doing so doesn?t usually garner a response. If I don?t contact you, it doesn?t necessarily mean I don?t want to speak with you, what it means is I want you to show some initiative and investment in conversation by taking the time to say hello to me. I can?t promise anything more than a polite response to your contact, but I guarantee that you?ll have a better chance of speaking with me if you make the first move because if you?re going to wait for me to do it, chances are you?ll be waiting a very long time.

I was sent this gem last night and I thought I?d share it with the peanut gallery:

?Hi

  I?m tired of looking at your face

  So I?m going to hide you.?

Course this was sent by someone who doesn?t have the courage to put their photo in a profile with zero substance to begin with, but that seems to be par for the course on CM.

So here?s the deal, if you see my profile on the top of the list, it means I either just got an e-mail, or just sent one and if you see me at the top of the list a lot, it most likely means I?m having a conversation with someone. I don?t come here to troll for hookups or to play cyber games; I?m here to meet interesting people and have intelligent conversations with them. If that leads to something more, then that?s the cherry on top, but I?m not about to feel bad about myself for talking to people here on CM, that?s what this place is for, regardless of what anyone else out here may think. If you don?t like the fact that I?m here talking with people, then that?s your problem to deal with, not mine and if you?re so shallow that you can?t stand seeing someone you don?t find attractive on a site like this, then you?re spending you?re time in the wrong place. There are plenty of websites out there stocked with photos of pretty people who have no interest in talking with you; if looks are you?re only reason to be here, you might want to give those a shot.

The truth is, if your so petty that you?ve got to dump on someone because they don?t live up to your standards of attraction, then that act tells a lot more about you and the damaged person that you are, than it does the person your dumping on. I mean I?ve lived with this face all my life and I know full well that I?m not the prettiest petal on the rosebush, but I know I?m not the ugliest either and just because someone may not be your cup of tea, doesn?t mean they aren?t someone else?s cup of tea. It?s really easy to hide behind an empty profile and spew bile at people you don?t like just to make yourself feel better about the person you are. It takes a lot more courage to be honest and open about who you are and what you?re all about. I?m not on this site to win the universal beauty contest, I?m here because this is who I am and this is what I do. If you don?t like that person, that?s fine with me, do what you?ve got to do to make yourself feel better about being you and if that means hiding my face so you don?t have to look at it, so be it. Honestly, I care more about what my neighbor?s dog thinks of me, than I care what 95% of the people who use this site think of me. It?s that 5% of the people on CM that matter to me, that drives me and the rest are nothing but flies on the wall. So if hiding my face is going to give you a little peace and let you have a better experience out here on CM, then go for it. But in my opinion, if that?s the kind of person you are, you?ve got a lot bigger problems to deal with than having to look at my ugly mug.

res ipsa loquitur

One thing I want to make clear, I'm more than happy to speak with any woman out here about pretty much anything. As long as you?re fairly intelligent, respectful, and can speak in complete sentences, I'm happy to talk with you. But as my profile states, if you are not local to me (when I say local I mean living in the New England area, ideally in New Hampshire, central or eastern Massachusetts, or southern Maine) then I will never consider you for anything other than friendship and conversation. I do not believe in or have any interest in online relationships, online mentorship?s, or long distance relationships of any kind and I will never get pulled into one. There are tons of people on this website who are more than willing to hide online and have pretend relationships; I'm just not one of them.

For those who have asked why i removed my artwork from my CM profile, I have moved my online portfolio to my F/L profile under the same ID - SaloNH. I've done this because F/L allows its members to post more images than CM, its a lot easier to use, and you don't have to wait for approvals when you post work. For those interested in my art and want to see new work, I've recently uploaded over 100 new Fetish, Fine Art and Portrait images to my portfolio, feel free to check them out there.

I'm interested in connecting with other local artists who focus on making fetish based art. I do this in part to connect with other area fetish focused artists, and in part because i'm tossing around an idea to put together a group show of fetish art to hopefully coincide with the Fetish Fair Fleamarket. I'm not thinking of the upcoming winter fair, but perhaps the Summer Fair or beyond. Your media of choice doesn't really matter, though computer based 3d arts may be hard to show in a gallery setting, but that being said i'm open to all ideas and all types of art. So if your an artist, send me an e-mail and say hi.

Also I'm interested in meeting local art enthusiasts who love fetish art and who might be interested in being used as a model. My preference would be for females as that is the gender that most of my ideas are based on. This is an idea situation for those exhibitionists out there that want to find a new avenue for their fetish and have always wanted to be a focus for an artist.

Salo

I just put up some new images in my profile for those who have interest. Some new photos of myself as well as a bunch of new images I took during the ice storm. Unfortunetly CM doesn't handle B/W images as well as i would like and tends to wash them out a bit, but i still think they hold up well. Feel free to check them out. For those on and KinkySpace who want to see more of these images the way i think they should look, as well as other images i've made, including some of my fetish photography work that CM deems too revealing to display on this site, check out my profiles there under the same ID.

What its Like to Feel Like You?ve Been Forgotten or Eight Days and Counting in a New Hampshire Mid December with No Light, No Heat, No Way to Cook and No Way to Clean Yourself

     So campers, here I am going on my 8^th day running in the Great New Hampshire Ice Storm of 2008.As I sit here in my living room penning this opus by the 3 dollar a pop candle light and watching the temperature in the room click down to a balmy 20 degrees Fahrenheit, I thought I?d share some of my thoughts and experiences from the last 8 days. Partially because I need to vent and P.S.N.H. (Public Service of New Hampshire aka the power company) just hangs up on you when you vent to them and partially because I?ve had a lot of time to think about this stuff every night because there?s not a lot to do but watch the candles melt.

     It?s situations like this one that really make you think about the things we take for granted in this age of the Internet and microwave popcorn. It?s unfortunate that you only start to realize that after you?re robbed of it all, robbed of things like light and heat and hot food and a warm shower. But what?s worse than all of that is when you?re robbed of something as basic as information about why you?re in this situation, or when you?re going to get out of it.

     It?s easy to come to grips with the fact your cold and that you can?t see and that you?re hungry and you stink to high heavens. That stuff is easy to comprehend when it happens, when you can?t see you light up those candles in the glass jars and quickly find that they are great for making a room smell good, but don?t try to read by them. When you?re cold you throw on 3 sweatshirts and 2 pairs of pants and 2 pairs of socks and a hat and you throw 2 blankets over yourself and wrap a scarf around your face so you can?t see your breath every time you exhale. When you?re hungry you go make yourself a peanut butter sandwich praying that the creamy peanut butter isn?t too hard to spread or the milk hasn?t frozen into a solid block. And when you?re dirty, well then you?re just dirty and you hope you don?t get crotch rot because you haven?t been able to bathe for the last 8 days.

     In a way these things are the easiest to deal with because you have no other choice but to deal with them. The hardest thing to deal with in a situation like mine is the not knowing, not knowing what?s going on, not knowing when someone who can do something about it is actually going to do something about it, not knowing when its going to end. The discomforts all become secondary when something like this happens because the discomforts are the only thing you can do something about yourself, it?s the causes of it all that you can?t do anything about and that?s what really drives you crazy. It?s not like you can go out to the utility pole on your own and fix the power yourself and even if you tried you?d end up being arrested for trying it anyway. That?s what makes something like this so frustrating, it?s not a situation you can grab by the reigns and fix for yourself, you have to rely on someone else to fix it for you. In my experience that?s not a situation you want to find yourself in, especially when it?s that persons mess to fix in the first place and they and they alone are the only ones who can fix it. Then add to that the fact that they bungled the thing from the start and compounded it by keeping everyone affected by it in the dark, both literally and figuratively.

     It becomes a situation where no one knows anything, no one wants to say anything and when they do say something they really don?t know what they are saying or mean what they say. I mean when the power first went out here the powers that be came out and said it would be a day or 2 to get the lights back on, and after a couple days passed they came back and said it would be 3 or 4 days, then they moved away from the numbers and it just became several days, then P.S.N.H. in their infinite wisdom put up on their website a town by town breakdown with the dates by which the town you live in would have the power restored, only when that date came, and went and you still didn?t have any power, so you go to check the website again and find they?ve just changed the date for your town. It gets to the point where no one knows anything, no one says anything and no one believes anything anyone says anyway. In truth the only work crews I?ve seen in the last 8 days were the ones having lunch at the 99?s and they wouldn?t say anything either. It?s at the point where I?d have an easier time finding someone to hit me in the nuts with a baseball bat than it would be to find someone who would actually tell me the truth about what?s going on. The fact is the only hot air I?ve gotten all week has been the excuses I get when I call the P.S.N.H. customer service line. And don?t try to drive down to the P.S.N.H. storefront in Epping to get any information because it?s been turned into an armed police camp with squad cars in the parking lot from 8am to 11pm and the police escorting each person into the office one at a time while telling them that if they step out of line in there they?ll be arrested. Truthfully I half think it might be worth it to go ballistic in there, at least the Epping Police Department has power.

     I?m now really starting to understand what the people in New Orleans went through when Katrina hit, because when a situation like that happens the powers that be, the people that actually have the power to do something about the situation, don?t want you to be there. As the governor of our great state of New Hampshire John Lynch put it, you should go and make other arrangements for yourself and your loved ones. Before this happened we were citizens, we were customers, they wanted us here for our tax dollars, and they wanted us here for our business. But the moment the shit hits the fan they don?t want any of us around, they don?t want to see us, they don?t want to hear us because seeing and hearing about us and our plight only reminds them that ultimately they are responsible for this situation and responsible for getting us out of it, and they don?t want to be responsible for either. Go make other arrangements for yourself and your loved ones and don?t let the door hit you on the way out. But of course be safe because if you die during a situation like this it?s going to do nothing but stain their reputation for years to come.

     That?s what we call leadership on the eve of the year 2008, these are the people we are electing to power, these are the business leaders who we let drive our nation?s economy today, and this is what it means to be a leader in the 21^st century. We?re supposed to sit down and shut up and if something bad happens we should go away and let these people reap the benefits of their position. We are expected to let them take our money and give us little in return for it and then give them their accolades for that and give them our respect to boot. But the moment the ship springs a leak, or the bottom drops out on the markets, or the waters flood a great city in the U.S., or when power, lights and heat shut off in New Hampshire in the middle of December our job as citizens and customers is to shut up and make other arrangements for ourselves and our loved ones. Welcome to the 21^st century kids, don?t think this can?t happen to you and yours and when it does know you?re in for quite the ride, but of course remember to be safe.

P.S. - My power has since finally come back on, these are just some thoughts i wrote down during the event that i wanted to share.

    Honest to god I think people are getting WAY too touchy out here and really need to get over themselves. I mean it?s gotten to the point now where you can't even look at someone's profile without out them getting all hot and bothered. Isn't that the point of having a profile and a blog, so it can be read? But some people out here are so elitist that they get all worked up because no one reads their profile, but then when someone does, they get all worked up because the person doesn't fit the mold they have in their head of who they think should be reading their profile. 

     The main problem here is that too many people are looking for Ken and Barbie's and if your not a Ken or a Barbie, or more so not the type of Ken and Barbie that these people think should be chasing them, then they don't think you belong here or deserve to be looking at them. 

     So here's a little tip for those egomaniacs, if your single, and you don't already have a Ken or a Barbie at your side, or haven't already found one in the real world, there's a reason for that. It's because you?re not a Ken or a Barbie either, and no matter what you think, your not, because beautiful people don't need to look online for someone to be attracted to them. So get over yourself. Just because someone looks at your profile, doesn't mean that person is coming on to you, it means they are taking the time to read your profile. And if you really think that everyone who reads your profile wants you, then you've got a bigger problem than being online looking for love. And if your only criteria for being attracted to someone is how they look then you've got even bigger problems to come.

     People have been reading my online blogs here for a while now and for the most part they seem to get what I?m talking about. Well maybe no so much talking about as raging about as I have in my last post. The comments seem to be all along the same line, we understand what your saying, but truthfully what can you do about it? I mean people are people and they are going to do what they are going to do and the internet being free there?s not a lot you can do to stop them from acting like animals out here. What?s the point of raging about it? I mean talk is just that, talk, and if you?re not ready or able to DO anything about it you?re just as bad as the rest, all talk and zero action. It?s something I?ve been thinking about for a while and your right if I?m not ready to do something about it or at least attempt to do something about it then I?m just as bad as the rest.

     My solution is a fairly simple one, to start my own online based BDSM group and give myself the power to decide who stays and who goes, what actions are appropriate and what actions are out of bounds. I?ve put the group online on yahoo (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/NEDSsinglesConnect/) and it?s open and FREE to all SINGLES who are interested in connecting with other New England singles into or interested in getting into the local BDSM scene. Membership is strictly monitored as is the actions and behavior of the participating group members to create a safe, hassle free place for local singles to meet. This is not an open group and all members in the group must be approved by me before they are offered membership to the group, so if you find you have interest you need to message me and let me know.

     I started this group out of a sense of frustration that I have about the state and direction of the online BDSM community here in New England. Those of us who know the NE BDSM scene understand the community tends to be closeted. There are reasons why that is, but what?s important to us involved in the scene or those interested in getting involved in the scene isn?t the whys but what we have to do to get around that limitation. For most of us who live here the easiest way to get around it is to use the online medium for BDSM social networking.

     But doing that leads to its own problems, a lot of the BDSM networking sites out there aren?t well monitored and that adds to our frustration. Between the trolls who harass, the people with fake profiles, the online players with no interest in R/L relationships, the couples looking to have stables of people acting as their sex toys, the married folks who are online to cheat, or the ones with no idea what the lifestyle is about and no respect for the ones that do, it adds up to a point where we who are single and serious about our desires wonder why we bother. I started this group to combat that and to give all of us who are single and serious about our BDSM interests a safe and respectful place to connect with others in the area who are looking for the same.

     This group is for local SINGLES, it?s not for couples, it?s not for married people, it?s not for so called online mentors, and it?s not for people cruising for sex. It?s for singles looking to connect with other singles involved or interested in becoming involved in the BDSM scene and looking to have a true, R/L BDSM based relationships. It?s a place for people of ANY role, ANY gender, ANY legal age, ANY size and shape and ANY sexual persuasion. The only requirement to use this group is that you HAVE to be single, you HAVE to be serious and honest about who you are and what you?re here for, and above all you HAVE to show respect to everyone that uses this group.

     This group will be strictly monitored to ensure that all rules I?ve put in place are kept and ANYONE who doesn?t observe these rules will be immediately and unceremoniously bounced from the group. Membership will be strictly monitored to have an equal mix of males and females, Dom/Dommes and subs, with no imbalance to the mix. ANYONE promoting ANY illegal activities in this group, ANYONE who comes to this place with attitude or showing disrespect to ANYONE who belongs to this group, ANYONE here spamming the group or trolling the group will be bounced and blocked.

I want this group to be a safe, respectful, and well monitored place for local singles to talk about the BDSM lifestyle and connect with other singles in the area. Once we gain a good group I hope to start planning and hosting regular munches for safe face to face socializing and public meets and maybe even start having regular play parties if there is interest for that. Hopefully we will all find that place we?ve been searching for and that person we have been searching for and have a good time while doing it.

SaloNH

New photos up in my profile for those of you who are all caught up in the summer heat and in need of some inspiration for cooler thoughts. enjoy.

It Always Happens When You Least Expect It

I suppose I should blame myself for creating an expectation in those that read my blog, to have new stuff coming. I should also probably take the blame for causing those who read my stuff to freak out when the blogs stop coming and when e-mails aren?t answered. No I have not fallen off the planet, nor have I been run over by a bus or any of the other horrible things you?re twisted minds have come up with for my demise. I am fine and well, schools done for the year and works still coming, things couldn?t be better, and that?s when life usually takes a corner on you and so mine has done to me.

Now I know this may come as a shock to some of you who?ve gotten used to the idea that I am going to refuse to settle and will remain single for eternity. In truth I can?t blame you as I began to believe it myself for a while. I admit, it?s been a long time since I?ve let someone into my life and if you do anything for a long time it becomes a norm for you, even being single. You start to expect it and you start to wear it like an old sweater, it becomes comfortable like bad job you don?t want to leave because you don?t know what you?ll do if it wasn?t there. My walls go up and it becomes real easy to sit there behind them and pick off people who try to get close, and if a few actually make it through that barrage they get to a door that I won?t open and instead I sit there at the door, talking through it. It becomes much easier than actually investing yourself in someone, easier than having to expose your heart to them and risking it getting hurt. Then once you?re ok with the situation, once your comfortable sitting behind that door, someone comes along and the arrows you shoot don?t touch them and they have a key to the door. Before you know it the doors wide open and they are sitting in you?re lap with their arms around you?re heart. And you?re done for, there?s no going back, no closing the door to them again, you just have to be grateful, accept it and trust them enough to risk you?re heart for them.

And that?s what happened to me, sitting there all happy and comfortable on my soapbox and she comes out of the blue and tackles me in a big bear hug, and she won?t seem to let go, and I don?t seem to mind at all. She is one of those rare people who I can talk to as easily as I talk with myself. She?s one of the few people in this world that I need no filter for, like someone who?s known you for so long, they know what you mean even when you don?t mean what you?re saying. Someone who clicks with you on so many levels, who?s alike you in so many ways that at first your start to wonder if they are for real or not, as if there?s some kind of conspiracy to sucker me in. And that?s how paranoid it makes you, you truly start to believe that this is someone who knows you and is pulling some kind of prank. I hate to talk in terms of perfect as it?s not something I normally believe in, but the funny thing is when you see perfect, or at least what?s perfect for you, staring you in the face, you automatically doubt it, you try to convince yourself that it?s not real. That?s the final test of perfect for you, because when you?re at that point your looking for anything to shoot perfect down and see it for what you think it is. But perfect won?t let you do that, it is what it is and the more you try to shoot it down, the more is shows you how perfect it really is. So you accept it and let it in, you get used to having their arms around your heart, so used to it that you don?t know what you?d do if it they weren?t there, and suddenly you have a new norm, as real as the norm of being alone, except a lot more enjoyable.

So that?s what I?ve been doing, happily focusing on her and that?s how it should be as she deserves no less. She is the epitome of what I see as submission is a gift, and she is a gift to me in more ways than one. Her thoughts are to me and my happiness and she willingly will do anything to give that happiness to me, regardless of the perversion de jour. That is a true gift, and one you treat with the respect it deserves. She?s far too beautiful for me, I told her the first time I saw her photo that she was out of my league when it comes to looks and I meant every word. She didn?t even bat an eye she just told me I was silly. Now she looks at my photo when I?m not there. and how can you not love that? She?s the kind of woman who you?d see in public and never even consider her to be involved in the lifestyle and there is no bigger turn on to me than that. She calms my head and soothes my soul in a way I?ve needed for a very long time. But the most important thing about her for me is she needs me in her life, as much as I need her in mine and I love that most of all. I don?t know if it?s a forever, as you never know forever until its been forever, but we both talk in forever?s and that?s about as good of a start as anyone can ask for.

So for you all, I?m well, safe and happy, and hopefully that will stay around for a while. There will be more blogs to come, I hope to post some of the stuff I wrote this semester over the summer and I will, but for now I?m focusing my attention on just one thing. And I?m going to enjoy focusing on her while I can. So excuse my late blogs and my unanswered e-mails, I do not mean to insult, I?m just looking at someone else right now, and I want to enjoy it.

Just when you think you know what you?re in for, you don?t.

Strange days are amongst us friends, strange days indeed. Things in the world getting crazy, people in the world acting nuts and who can tell which or what the cause of it all is. Are people making the world crazy? Is the world making people crazy? Is it a little bit of both or something entirely apart from it all? And I?m not just talking about halfway across the world in Iraq, Afghanistan or some other far off place; I?m talking here in my own backyard. Lately for me each week has been bringing some kind of heavy weirdness with it that?s causing me to wonder what dimension I?ve woken up in. Hacker?s are stealing my credit card number, not from my computer or from some stupid move I made online, but from my local grocery store. My boss suddenly turning survival freak on me has started outfitting the basement of the studio as some kind of de facto bomb shelter for himself and his family, ?Just in case the BIG one hits.? The other day I sat in Boston Common and watched a Blue Jay peck a Chickadee to death, carry it up into a tree and proceed to eat it. Now that those bastards have gotten a taste for flesh is it much of a leap for them to add people to the menu? I think not, damn you Alfred Hitchcock!

So you?d think with my newfound conviction that the end of the world is neigh I?d be more careful in how I walk in that same world and the choices I make in it, but oh no, not me, that would be far too easy and I guess I don?t do easy, consciously or not. But before I go into this week?s shenanigans I need to set little bit of background for the story to make sense in the big picture of my life. It all began Monday evening with a phone call from a woman I do some photography work for. Now for those of you readers who don?t already know, I make my living with photography. I?m considered self employed, so under the umbrella of photography I do a number of different jobs to keep myself self employed; I do studio management and photo assisting for a commercial photographer in my area, I freelance out and assist other local photographers in the area, I make and market my own fine art photography and I take commercial jobs when I can get them. Like any self employment type job, to do photography and make a living at it you have to find a niche and make a reputation for yourself in it. It takes a while but eventually you start developing a buzz, begin getting repeat customers and after a while if you stick to it you?re off and running. Right now I?m sort of mid way between off and running and still working my butt off; I still have to do assisting to get by, but the commercial jobs I?m getting are coming more frequently and I?m starting to recognize names and faces when they call me to work.

When I got out of college and decided to give this type of work a go I didn?t have any illusions that I was going to be an overnight success. I knew I had to find that niche for myself and I knew I had to find a niche that wasn?t already swamped with others doing the same type of work. I find whenever you?re in that type of situation you?ve got to go with what you know and as I?d been involved in the D/s scene long enough to have some contacts in the area and I?d done a considerable amount of fetish photography while in college, it wouldn?t be that dumb a move to try and find my niche in the scene. Knowing full well that New England isn?t a hotbed of activity for the adult entertainment industry I figured that working in porn was probably not an option for me and instead focused my attention on the local adult retailers that are abundant in New England. They come in different sizes and configurations, but they all have similar things going for them in that  most are independently owned and operated and many do business online or through the mail as well as out of their store front. For me that means there are owners with need of good photography for their website or catalog and you can easily meet these people face to face and talk about it. I did have one thing going for me in that a friend of mine from college was currently working as a buyer for one of the larger local retailers and was wanting to throw me some work, so the idea sprung there and I ran with it using the images I originally did for her to market myself to other retailers. Long story short, 8 years later I?m still getting work doing it. Through it all I?ve got to meet a lot of interesting people and shoot some interesting shoots, from product and fashion photography to event photography and even a little porn. It keeps me doing my own work instead of getting bogged down in someone else?s as I do when I assist for others. It keeps my fingers in the weirdness of the local sex scene and all the twists and turns that goes with it and most importantly it lets me enjoy working, something that if I was stuck behind a desk I wouldn?t be able to do. But to do this type of work you have to be prepared for the weirdness that comes with it, or at the very least kid yourself into thinking you?re prepared for it, which leads me back to Monday?s phone call.

The call was from D and in the pool of characters that make up the people that own these stores; D would stand out no matter how you lined them up. She and her husband own a mid sized adult store in eastern MA and they go above and beyond when it comes to their store and their customers. Not too get too deep into their business I?ll just say that they have their fingers in a little bit of everything; online, catalogs, home demos, their store is one of the better ones around, and most importantly they actively try to create a sense of community for their customers. They promote a number of singles/swing/fetish groups and provide a sort of information hub for those groups to meet, plan and post dates for events and parties. The groups range over a variety of interests, and they tend to gear their store toward those clients. They support groups they have personal interest in and they create a client base that keeps coming back to their store and that?s a very similar situation to what I try to create for myself so I have to respect it. One of the groups they are most actively involved with is the BBW scene and when I say that I mean those that truly embrace the bigger to be most beautiful philosophy. D fits right into this mould as she herself has to be pushing the 300 lb mark, and really fully embraces that lifestyle. It?s a lifestyle I freely admit I didn?t know a heck of a lot about, which as I was soon to learn was my first mistake.

D goes on to tell me that she?s throwing what she hopes is going to be the largest (literally and figuratively) BBW event she?s ever put on. They were renting a floor in a local hotel and putting on an all day event/party where they would be having seminars on the BBW lifestyle, holding toy demo?s and a BBW fashion show, there was to be a dinner/dance, and then there were rooms upstairs for the after parties. Because it was so big an event she wanted me to come and spend they day making photos of the event and then after be present to offer photo services to those that wanted portraits or other images made of themselves for a fee. She offered me a flat rate to cover the event and a cut in every photo we sell after which can potentially be very lucrative deal and as I had nothing else going on in my life that Friday of course I agreed.

Friday rolls around and I pack up all my cameras and equipment as well as a small studio light kit that I?ve borrowed from the photographer who I assist and head down to MA for the day. Being the hired photographer at an event like this, even if it?s an event that may not be your particular cup of tea, is still a pretty empowering experience. It?s because you have all access and reason for being where you are and doing what your doing, and people respect that. When you?re shooting any event like you have to pay particular attention to whose face you?re getting into the image as many don?t want public exposure when they are at an event, but you?ll find that just as many that do and they generally gravitate to the camera on their own just as others gravitate away from it. This happens regardless of the scene the event is promoting and the BBW set is no exception, the only difference being you have to stand further back to get some of them in frame. And I know you think I?m being mean by cracking my jokes, but I?m not kidding. You go and try to get three 500lb women standing next to each other into the same frame and see how far you have to step back to do it and using a wide angle or fisheye lens just makes them look like they are standing in a fun house mirror, not the most flattering thing regardless you?re size. All that being said I got over the technical difficulties and had a fairly interesting day making photos and meeting others. The scheduled events went off without a hitch the dinner and dance were cool as is the fact that a lot of these women take on a big personality along with their big bodies and big personalities tend to make good photographs. Some of these women?s shticks would give some transgendered stage performers a run for their money, all huge attitudes and huge personality, these women just have the huge bodies to go along with.

After all the events are over D comes up to me and tells me she has a room upstairs I can use as a portrait space and she has several women who want me to come into their ?Domains? and make photos of them there. Now I didn?t exactly know what the whole ?domain? thing meant, but I had an inkling, at least enough of an inkling to be curious about it. Stupid curiosity. So anyway after making several portraits for some singles and couples and turning down a couple offers to take a tour of some beds I went along with D to get entrance to the ?domains? of the women who wanted images made and of course I couldn?t get entrance on my own. (thank god)

We are allowed entrance into the first ?domain? or hotel room if you will, by some tall, slim, 40 something naked guy who locks the door behind us as we enter and we come upon a scene that I think will haunt me to the grave. On a king sized bed bare of all coverings except for a rubber mattress protector lay a woman of near 500 lbs, nude except for something I can only call a sheer blue robe. She lay on the bed, propped up with at least 10 pillows behind her, legs spread, with another tall, slim, nude, 40 something man between her legs servicing her alternately with a large dildo and his mouth. She?s resting her head back on her pillow mound and another tall, slim, nude, 40 something man is holding a funnel type thing in her mouth and is pouring some shake like substance down her throat. She?s not gagging on it, or fighting it, but in fact she?s playing with her breasts as she gulps the mix being poured down her throat. It?s obvious that they?ve been at it a while as they and the bed and immediate area around it are covered with the remnants of past ?meals? and the fact that there are several large coolers standing open in the corner of the room.

She gulps down the last of her meal and the slave holding it removes it from her mouth revealing the stem of the funnel which is about 8 to 10 inches long and is inserted all the way into her throat. She still has remnants of the meal which has dripped onto her chin and she lets drip down her chin and onto her chest as she smiled at me and said. ?If you?re gonna puke honey, the pails over there. But watch it, I just used it and it needs to be emptied. Of course you?re welcome to be a dear and empty it for me if you like.? It was like Mr. Creosote come to reality only in female form and I?m here to photograph it. It was totally insane. I know it was my face that gave me away, it always gets me in a situation like that and I?m positive I was suitably horrified and it showed. I just wasn?t ready for it, it?s like someone sneaking up on you and kicking you in the nuts, how can you be prepared for that? She goes on to say that she wants images of her and her piglets and wants them done now, as is. I take a couple quick rolls of them and beat a hasty retreat. I find out later that she was part of a BBW subset called Feeders whose kink is feeding, food, and being morbidly obese and sexually active. They tend to be extremely dominant over men, and their biggest turn on is eating and sex simultaneously. For some it?s as simple as bringing some cupcakes, whip cream, and popsicles to bed, but taken to the edge it?s the forced feeding of liquefied foods, regurgitating, and feeding some more all while having sexual acts committed on them and these were the women I was to be photographing for the rest of the evening. Needless to say my rates immediately went up but I continued the job to the end suffering the ill effects on my brain and my eyes which felt like they?d been burned from their sockets.

We all have to suffer for our work, and those of use who think of ourselves as professionals in what we do usually tend to suffer quietly. I?m not photographing others to judge, I?m not being paid for that. I?m there to document, and in the case of the BBW event, I?m documenting all of the extremes. I know that there were women I met that night that would abore those who consider themselves ?Feeders? and the extreme that they take in their lifestyle, but for me, if I?m being paid to be there, that?s usually not a judgment I want to make. Granted if it were a convention of pedophiles that had a room full of 6 year olds they wanted photographed there would be huge problems, but these women weren?t doing that, everything they do is desired and consensual and no laws are being broken that I can see, so it?s not my place to judge them. But you can?t help but take in an experience like that and draw conclusions for yourself from it. I know that all things sexual can be taken to an extreme, and that not all extremes are right for everyone, just as I know that the whole BBW lifestyle thing is most definitely not for me. But that being said I can?t help but reflect on the coolness of what I do. That it allows me to walk in a day of these people, see the different sides of them and experience the human weirdness they?ve created for themselves without having to actually take a part in it or buy into it. It?s that fly on the wall aspect of being a photographer that causes me to do this work regardless of how horrifying some people can be. It?s why I can happily say I love what I do as I sit here with my eyes burning in my skull from the horrible sights I?ve seen and I shivering every time I think back on them. God what?s this world coming to?

The Coats We Wear

I had myself the strangest KetchUp day the other day. What?s a KetchUp day you ask? Excellent question! A KetchUp day is a day that I impose on myself once or twice a year where I catch up on the things I?ve been putting off doing. You know, things like cleaning the oven or changing the oil in your car, the mundane necessities of life that we all love to hate to have to do, so we put them off till the last minute and end up creating more work for ourselves in the process. Instead of letting it get to that point, I pick a day and try to knock off as much of this stuff as I can take, then forget about it all till its time to do it again. Just another hamster on a wheel, but aren?t we all.

So this time around one of my main projects was to tackle a laundry bag full of blankets I had in my storage bin and I?d been putting off washing since I moved in. They?d been sitting in the same corner that I left them the day I moved in and I?d finally had enough of seeing them there. I thought it prudent to first check the contents of the bag before I brought it down to the laundry. I?m not sure what I was thinking when I was packing up my life all those years ago, but unpacking it all was a true event. When you pack up everything in your life and put it in storage for 8 years, the unpacking becomes a time capsule in every box. And when the twisted soul that packed the boxes gets funny and intentionally packs his floggers in with the kitchen utensils and all the rubber toys in with the bathroom stuff, you learn to error on the side of caution and make the unpacking a private affair rather than do the unveiling at the laundry and hoping for the best.

I work to undo the knot and the dust of 8 years rises as it comes loose and the bag opens to a startling blast of orange color. The first blanket my grandmother ever knitted for me back when I was a kid, bright orange with crazy stripes to go with the orange of my room of the time. She had 8 grandchildren my grandmother did, as well as 5 great grandkids that she had known and most of the later years of her life were spent knitting blankets for all of them. She made big blankets, 6?x8? blankets all hand knitted by her hands. She?d finish one for one child and then start work on the next, always sitting in her chair on her porch knitting blankets. She must have churned out close to 100 of them before she passed. Under the orange I find the blue and white one she made for me next, blue and white to go with color I painted my room when I was a teen. Under that the last one she made me, a beige one she gave me before I went to Boston for college. I remember when she gave it to me asking her ?Why beige??, because beige was a good color for an adult was her answer. Under that was the grey and green patchwork quilt that was a bit of a family mystery. The one that no one knew where it came from, or who made it, but the one that was always there in their memories sitting on the back of a couch or the foot of a bed and whose origin was always in question. Under that the old olive green wool army blanket we used to use as a beach blanket on family vacations when I was young. Bought as surplus who knows when, it may not have seen the beaches of Normandy but spent plenty of time on the beaches of New England protecting countless of beach lunches from the sand that loomed underneath.

Next out of the bag came my first real surprise of the day as I reached in expecting to feel the softness of another blanket and instead felt the smoothness of vinyl fabric. Out of the bag comes not a blanket but a heavy hooded jacket, dark blue with white trim at the waist and the cuffs and lined with white faux lambs wool gone slightly yellow with age. At the right breast an embroidered logo of my home town?s youth hockey league and my nickname and number embroidered in white on the left. Embroidered hat trick and assist patches are sewn up and down both arms of the jacket and tournament and championship patches are sewn all over its back. At one point in life wearing it was the epitome of cool, at a point in time when all it took was a jacket to be cool. To wear it meant you were part of something bigger than you, part of a team and more importantly you?re part of a winning team, with all the patches on you?re back to prove it. That came with the benefits of the time, benefits that were freely indulged in. But they were benefits that came with a high price as the memory of spending 6 weeks in the hospital with a crushed chest and the reality that 90% of the people I played with then were physically unable to go on to play in college as their bodies were so damaged playing youth proves. Ultimately it?s a jacket that represents a town willing to sacrifice the talent and health of their youth for the short term benefit of a championship patch on the back of a jacket.

The bag is close to empty now, collapsing more and more onto itself as each layer is removed. I have to work a bit to get it open this time and as I do I?m met with a familiar smell that lets me know what?s coming before my hands touch the cold leather. Out of the bag comes a black motorcycle jacket a la Joey Ramone. It?s stiff from being folded for so long and it takes a moment for me to work the folds loose and get it to take the form of a jacket again. It?s a jacket that?s seen a lot of hard years and it shows, but it?s the kind of wear that most people look for but are too impatient to do themselves so they pay someone twice as much to do it for them and get they still get something that comes up short. The black has worn in places to the deep tan underneath. Both of the lapels are pitted and pierced from the mass of punk rock buttons that had once upon a time covered them both. The back of the jacket is a disaster of the passage of time, a tight double row of chrome studs stretches across the bottom and carry?s up the sides and across the top of the back as single studs spaced about 4 inches apart from each other and framing the back of the jacket. The studs had originally come on a belt I had back when I was 16 or 17, I removed them one by one and carefully put them on the back of the jacket myself. Inside that frame of studs the back is discolored with stain and fading and is covered with bits of white plastic from the countless vinyl stickers from punk rock bands that once covered the back. Those stickers that had not fallen off or been taken off had cracked, faded and flaked over time leaving a landscape of tiny white particles and stains from the glue in their wake. Across the bottom just above the double row of studs a large stained Harley Davidson patch is sewn over the mess. It?s just another uniform, just another facet, just another coat, this one bringing with it power instead of honor, the power to not be part of the group, the power to not be of the norm, and the power to not give a fuck about it. It was the power to pull your bangs down in front of your eyes and fall asleep in Spanish class knowing you?re going to get an uninterrupted hour of sleep because the teacher is too afraid of how you look to wake your ass up. It?s the power to coast through school because of teachers who would rather pass you than having you take their class again. It?s the power to not aim high for yourself, the power to not grow up, and the power to not care one way or another.

One final time I dive into history and remove the last layer of my life from the bag and leave it lying empty on the floor. This layer is different from the others; it?s been carefully wrapped in a garment bag before being packed away. Placing the bundle on the floor I unfold the bag to lay it flat revealing a coat hanger folded into the bundle to protect the laundry bag, I use it to hang the garment bag on the back of the door. Unzipping the bag and laying it open reveals a vintage 1960?s black single breasted suit coat and pants. It?s an English made suit and has that Mod feel to it; the kind of suit that you only need to add a black pencil necktie and a pair of Ray Ban?s to make you look like you?re right off the set of Reservoir Dogs. I bought it on a whim back in the early 90?s, back when you could get a vintage suit like that off the rack for 75 bucks. I remember it was a beautiful spring day and H and I had both called in sick to work and were spending the day hanging out in Northampton. She was the kind of person that would go into a vintage store and just start trying on the dresses for fun, 1940?s, 50?s, 60?s, 70?s, didn?t matter, only thing that mattered was she was playing dress up and she wanted you to play too. She?d run around the shop picking outfits for herself, then finding crazy outfits for me to try on to match hers. She?s got the girls working the counter into it and they?re running around helping her find stuff and laughing. Her taste was near perfect, at least in my opinion, she?d choose a thing that not only looked good with what she was wearing, but what would also look good on you. I put the suit on and as soon as I walked out of the dressing room she was freaking out and begging me to buy it. We spent the rest of the afternoon walking around town in our new duds and laughing at ourselves. It was my suit with her, no leather for me as far as she was concerned, she was all about the suit, and so I was all about the suit, I still am, I very nearly bought a black Armani with my tax money this year, but alas it was a moments fancy this and had to be put to better use, at least for this year. I good suit gives you something that jeans and a t shirt never can, it gives you something that leather never can, it polishes all the rough spots and refines you, its instant authority, its instant control. It makes you ?the man?, which is a blessing and a curse, especially for someone who at one time was the antithesis of that. It makes you ask yourself, ?Is this making me ?The Man? or am I conforming to him??, but at least you look good while you?re thinking on it.

There you have it; several layers of me all packed in a laundry bag sitting in a storage bin for the last 8 years. All are facets of me; they are uniforms that I?ve worn in my past, none are me and yet they all once were me. If you take them on their own each says something about me, but taken together they tell more about me, they tell a story, a story that is me. This is what I mean when I talk about being a multi faceted person, each facet an exploration into life, the more you explore, the more facets you create. The athlete, the punk, the professional, layer each one on top of the other, add about 1000 other layers and you get a whole person, for good or ill, with all the beauty, ugliness and experience that comes with each layer. None are who I am and yet all are a part of me, all inform me, all influence every decision I make. They are reflections of me, and I?m proud of each and every one of them and the good, bad and the ugly, for they all are me.

I?m Either Brilliant, or an Idiot

So I?m out on this date, now I haven?t been out on a date in a while and this girl is cute, very cute, so I?ve been pretty psyched about the whole deal. In the days leading up to the date I?m walking around congratulating myself, ?Who da man? You da man that?s who.? No ones got the Great Lighting rolling like me you know what I mean? Jump then forward my reader to the second hour of my date, sandwiched somewhere between the riveting discussion on the media masterpiece that is American Idol and the commentary on how lucky I am to be on a date with her this evening (not kidding), I start getting this feeling that I can only liken to what a rat must feel like when trapped in a cage. Of course it?s my own fault, it usually is, it?s what one gets when one dates for looks, but I guess I figured I was due. You tell yourself if she?s stupid at least she?ll be cute to look at, then she opens her mouth and 2 hours later you?re figuring out how quick you can get to the bathroom and set the alarm on your cell phone to go off 5 minutes after you sit back down.

What can I say about the trials and tribulations of the dating world that most people out here don?t already know all too well? It is what it is, and the fact that I tend to date women who are cuter than myself doesn?t help the matter much. Don?t misunderstand me now, I?m not lapsing into self pity, I?m no dog, but I?m no GQ model either and unlike some I can?t always get by on a wink and a smile. Call me well rounded, or the total package if you must, but I?m a sum of my parts, not a one trick pony and some people find that interesting, some are drawn to it. It?s that thing that can go beyond beauty and it can make you as attractive as anyone. It?s an equalizer that levels the playing field and I know it, I not about to beat myself up because I?m never going to be a fashion model and in the same respect I?m not going to let anyone else do it to me either, so when I heard her drop that bomb I didn?t feel all that bad about my manufactured end to our evening.

Obviously there?s nothing wrong with being physically attractive, I mean if you?ve got it, you?ve got it and more power to ya. If you can use it to your advantage, bully for you, that?s the world we live in. My issue de jour are the ones who have it, know it, trade on it and expect the rest of us to buy into it. I understand that these days Americans pay as much face time at the Alter of Beauty as they do at the Alter of Money, but I know for a fact we all aren?t that shallow, many of us are, but not all. We cave to the American Idols we see on TV, Brad Pitt?s we see in the movies and it becomes our reality as easily as the cyber fantasies we create for ourselves online. We buy into it and create an environment where people think it?s to be worshiped, and even come to expect it and it?s not really their fault. Here in lays my dilemma because me being me I can?t help but immediately see the oxymoron that is the idea of a dominant being worshipful of anything beyond perhaps whatever god they so choose. I?m happy too flatter, but I don?t worship anything beyond maybe caffeine and I see that as a huge flaw on my part, imagine what I think about someone?s beauty trip.

So I get back to the table and my self concocted exit strategy goes off with a ring of the phone. I pretend to answer making like it?s my boss having some critical problem at the studio, which he is prone to do when he?s there by himself and messing around with equipment he knows nothing about. I tell her I have to cut the date short and she?s actually sad that the date is ending. Which makes no sense to me at all, the only thing I can think of is I?m the first guy in a while that actually let her speak her mind. I make my apologies and take her home. We get to her apartment and she actually asks if I want to come in for a bit before I head out. I don?t get it, but I also know that I don?t want to deal with this girl anymore, cute or not, the narcissism is just WAY too much for me and I turn her down. She drops the idea for a second date and I had enough, I ask why she?d want a second date with someone who is so beneath her? She doesn?t get it, zero idea about what I?m talking about. And there is, someone who?s so into herself, so used to men kissing her ass because she?s attractive that she can?t fathom anyone being turned off by it.  I thank her again for her time, but tell her I really have to go, and that?s that I do leaving her standing in front of her apartment wondering what the hell just happened. A person so not used to being treated like a regular human being that when she is treated like everyone else in the world, she has no idea how to deal. A person so used to attractive men kissing her ass to get into her pants that she can?t fathom ever being turned down by one, let alone being turned down by me. Moral of this story, regardless of how attractive you are, or how attractive you think you are, the one thing you?ve got to remember, it only goes skin deep.

Look Who?s Back! (well kinda)

As some of you all seem to be wondering if I?ve fallen off the face of the earth or suffered some other equally horrible demise and as I?ve been thoroughly guilted for disappearing without due notice, I?ve decided to put in an appearance and say hi. For the record, I have not fallen off the face of the earth, suffered some horrible injury, or anything of the like, in fact I?m doing really well. I needed to take a break from the whole computer/online world thing for a while and actually take some time living my life in the real world. A novel idea for sure, and not a concept many people out here will identify with, but I think some will. After I got back from Egypt I just realized that lately I haven?t been living, I?ve been sitting at home on a computer, watching TV and not really doing much else, or caring to. Now granted it?s winter and all us New Englander?s tend to hibernate when the snow starts to fall, but after I got back it started to feel like hiding. The problem is that I need something in my life, and I?ve been sitting around, going online, and waiting for it to come to me and that just doesn?t happen in the real world, or at least it doesn?t happen to me. I needed a break and I took one. Now when I say I needed to take a brake, I don?t mean that I?m taking a break from D/s, that also just doesn?t happen to me. Its part of me, it?s who I am and something I can?t walk away from. But the whole online community we?ve been creating here has done nothing but sap my soul. The idea of our online community is nice but the realities of what it?s become and is becoming have caused the idea to lose this luster to me. The truth is I think it would be easier to meet a newbie off the street and bring them into the lifestyle than it would be to meet someone online who is already involved in it.

So if I?m not dead, haven?t joined a cult, or fallen into some intensely serious relationship, what then have I been doing with myself? Working a lot, on a lot of different things, I mean I always worked a lot, when you by contract have to work a 12 hour day and you work 5 to 6 days a week you can find your dance card gets full fast.. But there in lays the trap, especially for an artist, because all your time gets taken up helping someone else make their art, you don?t have any time left to do your own unless you make the time, and so I have. To give myself the motivation I decided to start working on my Master?s degree again. For the longest time I wasn?t sure why I stopped working on it, but now looking back I know it was because I didn?t have any direction to what I was working on, and it?s not too smart to work on a master?s project without a direction. My break renewed my interest and enthusiasm, and gave me a direction, or at the very least an idea I want to work on and for now that?s good enough for me. I did change things up a bit by applying to a different master?s program. I was originally up in Portland at the Maine Photographic Workshops, and I switched to the MFA program at the Museum School in Boston. There?s a couple reason?s as to why; Boston?s closer to me than Portland is, to have access to the MFA again, to be on Boston again, but the most important reason is that it?s a better program, with better opportunities for what I want to do with my project. They are part of a consortium of schools which will allow students to take classes at any of the schools that belong to the consortium. The workshops had much better facilities, but the Museum School is giving me a lot of leeway with what I want to do with my master?s project and that?s what?s most important to me right now.

For me to explain what I want to do, I?m first going to have to have a ?coming to Jesus moment? and make a confession. Originally when I started my blogs, I did them for my own personal reasons. Then someone asked me last year if I had made any New Years Resolutions for 2007. Now New Years Resolutions have never been my thing, never been something I ever did or was ever interested in doing, but the question got me thinking, why not? So I made my first resolution ever, to write at least a 2 page blog every week for a year. I didn?t know what I was going to do with it, I figured it would be a good way to vent, and a good way to put some personality into that bland thing I call my profile. At some point I found I really liked doing it, and an idea took shape to start using my writing with my art. My next problem was one of confidence, I?ve never taken any writing classes that weren?t required, and I didn?t have a lot of practice doing it. Who am I to think I can write well? Finally I decided to just write, to stick to my resolution, write, and after a year see what I get. If I don?t get anything worth while, no harm done. Well a year?s gone by and after tallying everything I?ve written over the year up I ended with 179 pages of written material, enough to pick and choose 10 good blogs to put together for a portfolio and a new direction; to go back to school and write a book for my Master?s project. It?s going to be a book of short stories based on things that have happened throughout my life, mixed with photographs I?ve made for each story. Who knows if anything will come of it, but it?s a direction to work in and in the end if all I end up with is a master?s degree and a 100 copies of a self published book then that?s pretty cool, at least it is in my weird world.

Work and school, that?s pretty much all I?ve been doing lately. Because I have to work I know I?m on the long track as far as my degree goes, but I wanted to test myself this semester so I took 2 classes; my first master?s class at the Museum school and I took a creative writing class at Emerson. It?s a lot of work but I have to push myself this semester, and it?s going to be made a little easier because what I?m going to work on at Emerson I can cross over to my master?s class. The stories I want to write I already have, I just have to take some time to write them down and as I?ve been writing every week for a year, well I got the practice. The photos I?m going to use I haven?t worked out yet, I have some ideas but I want to use this semester to work those out and see what I get. I?m sort or working ass backward here because I know I want to use photos and want them to be as important to the book as the stories are, so I have to consider layout for the book before the writing and photos are done. Once I accumulate some idea?s I can test them out and see what arrangement works best.  

That?s what I like about my master?s class; it makes me think about these little things and test them out on the group. They are a pretty sharp group for the most part, I?m the old guy, but I was the old guy when I was doing my undergrad so I?m sort of used to that. Now I?ve just graduated from being the old guy in the class to being the really old guy in the class but I guess there?s not a lot I can really do about that. The class is pretty simple, it?s just a group of grad students all working on their MFA in photography, and we get together once a week for 4 hours and present what we are working on and our progress doing it and we critique each others work, question each other?s thinking, compliment each other?s work, or bash it a bit if need be. It can be pretty intense as it?s all face to face and the feedback you get is truthful, many times brutally so and those who know me know I fill that role well.

The writing class is just that a creative writing class, nothing special to it beyond the fact that it?s at Emerson. The class is going to be cool because it?s not a class where the teacher assigns us topics, but lets us choose what we want to write regardless of what it is. It?s twice a week in the evening which works well with my schedule and I think its going to be pretty much a cake walk class, but the true test will be when I bring what I?ve done to the master?s class. I?m the only one of the grad students who is incorporating text with photography as part of my project, which is going to make me a target during critique, or at least a focus as it?s so different from the others who are just doing straight photography. But again, for those who know me, know that to be another role I handle well.

So that?s what I?ve been doing with myself lately, nothing harmful or drastic, just a new direction. For the record I officially apologize for disappearing without prior notification, I had not realized it was needed, and I?m sorry if some out here presumed me to have been run over by a bus. I?m probably not going to be around all that much for a while, but I?ll be around. I?ll still post blogs now and again, and mayhap post 1 or 2 of the stories I?m working on in class, but it?s not going to be a weekly thing, at least for a while. For those of you who know me you can always get in touch with me through my yahoo ID, if I?m not on my comp I?ll get the offline message or I?ll have it linked to my phone. And for those who don?t, you can always still send my an e-mail on whatever site your using, I get an e-mail notification whenever anyone sends me and e-mail regardless of from where. I hope everyone out there is doing well and all finding what they are seeking from this online place.

Props

I?ve been busting on a number of people out here lately following my theory that you treat a dog like a dog and when a dog acts up and makes a mess, you whack it on the ass and stick its nose in the mess it?s made. I don?t question that theory, as I?ve found it works well, especially out here online. You call someone out on their bad online behavior, they tend to fold like a sheet, it?s the nature of people playing at online fantasy, they know they are acting screwed up; they are just waiting for someone to call them on it. But I don?t want to come off like everyone out here is screwed up but me and I hate that I?m coming off as really negative, which believe me, I?m really not, I?m just getting pretty frustrated lately. Granted, there?s some really screwed up people out here, but sandwiched in between all that crap is some really great, very real people and I don?t want to group them in with the rest. These people deserve a lot better than that, so this week I?m going to give some props out here to some really great people who give these places a touch of much needed class.

The first I need to give props to is a very old, dear friend who?s come on some very hard times lately, but has dealt with them with a patience and grace that I have to admire because I doubt I could go through what she?s been through in the last couple of months with that kind of class. I?ve known Miss N since high school, we were tight then, and we still are today, one of the few people I?ve stayed in touch with since HS, let alone stayed friends with all that time. My one big regret being she is and has been a lesbian since I met her all those years ago, but that?s a cross all of us who respect others lifestyle decisions have to bear. Very much my loss, not hers, but I?m glad she?s made and kept me as a friend, it?s a friendship I?ve cherished for years and I am flattered that she has trusted me enough to allow me to photograph her, many, many times, in her outfits and out. She?s the only woman I?ve known that if I?ve ever needed a model, she?s stepped up without question, regardless of the gig, if I?ve needed her, she?s been there as a friend, as a model, doesn?t matter, she?s always had my back. N?s had some hard times lately, in August she was in a very bad car accident being hit by some drunk kid living out his Fast and Furious wet dream. He crashed her hard, he walked away, she spent a month and a half in the hospital and has suffered 3 separate surgeries, her last being a fusion of several disks in her spine. She?s a woman of incredible poise, and beauty, and never deserved what she?s had to endure these last several months. But she has endured, with all the poise and grace that she?s shown throughout her life. She?s never complained, never regretted, never fussed, she just stepped up and dealt with it, and that?s something all of us out here can learn from and respect. So for Miss N I give my highest props, my friendship, my trust and my respect. Not because she?s hot as hell, although she is hot as heel, in the hospital or out, but because she deserves it more than anyone I know. Get better N, we are all better off with you around.

BK is a submissive I?ve spent a lot of time chatting with over the last several years, a great girl with a great head on her shoulders. She?s another that has endured a lot in her life and has come through it with grace and poise and a well grounded approach to her life and the lifestyle. We had on date a long time ago, and though I felt that we weren?t the right match, she?s never taken it personally, never got pissed at me for the choice I?ve made, and always has remained a good friend, you have to respect that. After a long time of searching and waiting she seems to have finally found the right one for her, and I couldn?t be happier for her, she?s one that deserves to be happy, deserves to have a good Dom in her life, and I think she?s finally found that. I wish her well in everything she does and I hope this relationship lasts for her.

C is someone I?ve known of, known about through others in the lifestyle, but never met until she came to Collarme. She?s a very talented woman, very talented designer who creates custom fetish fashions, amazing fashions. What stands out with C is her amazing mind and her great take on these online D/s sites. She?s funny, she?s real, she?s down to earth, and she?s got the same idea that I do that you have to treat dog?s like dog?s that and the fact that she?s hot as hell never hurts either.. Her blog entries have to be some of the funniest I?ve ever read out here. Alas she?s very collared and has been so for years, but again, that?s definitely my loss not hers, but I am glad she?s found the one for her. Keep up the blogs, I know a lot of us out here read them religiously.

Next up one of my favorite lurkers out here M and when I say lurkers I mean those people who don?t make their profiles open to the public to view. They quietly sit back and view others and contact those who interest them without being swamped with all the e-mails most submissives get. She?s also one of the few out here who claim to be an exhibitionist, and then back it with action, not words. As a photographer, I have to respect that, and as one who photographed her, I have to thank god for it. An amazing body, an amazing person, and an amazing attitude, she?d be near perfect for me if she wasn?t half a country away. As an artist, as a photographer, as a dominant, as a man, one of the things I?ve always known I?ve needed in my life when it comes to a relationship is a muse, and she is one of the very few I can say would be a perfect muse for me. Also she?s one of the few out here I?ve ever considered asking to relocate, but as her situation and mine forbid that from happening I?ve never bothered to ask. She?s a gem, a muse, one of those unobtainable things that one has to keep in their life, and I?m glad she?s allowed me to keep her in mine.

There are some very real people out here, some very great people out here, and I like to consider myself part of that very small group. One of the things I?ve always said about these online places is that you have to sift through thousands, to find a hundred you can actually talk to, to find 10 that you actually click with, to find one that?s right for you. It?s a game of numbers, and if you have patience, you?ll eventually win that game, I do believe that, I wouldn?t still be here if I didn?t, I wouldn?t still be coming here and enduring the frustration that inevitably comes from these places. I do it not do it because I am needy, I do it because of these people, because they are good people and I know where there?s one, there will be more, I just need to keep on sifting until I find her, and I do, and I will. Just know the same is true for everyone out here who live in the same real world that we do. Endure the fakes, endure the frauds, endure the cheaters, just keep on sifting and you will eventually find the right one for you.

Enough

I upset some people last week, either by what I said in my journal, or after the fact in e-mails regarding what I wrote. Truth be told, upset is a bit of a minced word, pissed off is a better word to use, and you know what, I?m glad I did. I?m glad that people got pissed off at what I wrote because it tells me I hit a nerve, and when you hit a nerve it usually means that you?ve also hit on a truth, a truth that these people don?t want to confront. Getting angry just means that I?ve forced them to deal with their crap, and the fact that they are angry just means that they know that I?m right about what I said. If I wasn?t spot on, I?d be discounted and forgotten about and not aggressively attacked for what I said. You don?t like being call out on your bad behavior, here?s an idea, try acting like a human being instead of a fool and maybe people won?t call you on your crap. If you choose not to, and you get called out, the only person you have to blame is yourself, don?t put it off on me because I?m going to call you on it every time I see it and I?m going to call it exactly as I see it. This journal is about me, and how I see things here, not how you want me to see things here, and if I?m not buying your crap, just means you?re too stupid to get me to buy into it. Don?t go blaming me for your stupidity or bad behavior; you?ve only got one person to blame for that and it?s not me.

I guess I?ve just hit a place in my online experience as well as in my daily life where I?m not going to buy into someone?s fantasy about themselves, just to be nice. I will always show respect, because that?s who I am and that?s what I do, even when I respectfully tell you you?re full of shit. I?m not overlooking anyone?s distorted fantasies about themselves just because I don?t want to bust their bubble. I deal with reality, I live in reality and I?m not going to throw that away to be nice to you. I?m not here to be nice to you regardless of how good you think you are in bed or how good you think the stuff is between your legs or how big you think your tits are. I?m not desperate enough to kiss your ass just to get my hands on it. You can be the hottest thing in town, but if your personality is crap, the rest of you is going to follow in step, and in the end, crap is crap, even if it makes a pretty pile.

As those of you who are still subscribing to my journals have most likely already guessed, I?m not planning on letting up this week. This is becoming a theme of burning bridges to free myself of the different ways others can inflict their crap on me. As I see it, the fewer bridges they have to cross, the less able they are to play their games on my front lawn and if it means driving some people away from me, I?m ok with that to have a little piece of mind. I?m finding that out here I?m being surrounded more and more by people I really have no interest in, either because they aren?t right for me for one reason or another or because their attitude and/or personality bothers me and many times its both. I?m forced to deal with these people because they see a connection to me and what I have to say, so they send me e-mail saying so. E-mail?s that me being me, I have to answer because I find it rude to not answer e-mails from others, regardless of who they are or what they have to say. Don?t confuse politeness with interest, let alone a connection. The thing with connections is that they have to work both ways, a one way connection doesn?t work when 2 people are involved and if I don?t see a connection then it?s not there, regardless of how much you repeatedly say it is. If you have to say it, especially more than once, you have to ask yourself who you?re saying it to, or more importantly who you?re saying it for.

The biggest bloc of people who fit into this mold of mine are those that are here to cheat, a group of people I?ve been noticing more and more becoming the predominant group of people who use these sites. Well over half the women I?ve spoken to since I?ve started using these places have been married and cheating or trying to cheat on their spouse. Most of them are 40 something?s who?ve been married well over 10 years and have found that they chose wrong and are now bored with their choice. Understand, I?m not going to be someone?s second choice, be it second to another Dom, or to your husband, or both. I wasn?t dumb; I didn?t make that dumb choice that you did by marrying the wrong man, and I?m not going to make yourself feel better by cheating with you and giving you the excuse that it was my dominance that caused you to cheat. You caused yourself to cheat by first marrying stupidly and second by coming to these sites after the fact. They ought to just make a site called cheat.com where these people can go and cheat with each other and get them away from the rest of us, they?d make a million bucks off of it. I don?t understand how anyone can say they are collared by someone when they have a spouse that?s not their Dom that they go home to every night. But I guess you can call yourself a duck if like as long as you have others around you saying, ?Oh yea, you?re a duck.? To me that?s not submission, that?s playing a game, playing a game on your Dom, and playing a game on your family, playing a game on everyone but yourself. That?s not a quality I associate with submission in any way, on any level, and not a quality I want to associate with anyone I give my collar to. When I see someone who?s cheating I don?t see a submissive I see a game that?s all about you, your cheating is all about you, and that to me is not submission, its narcissism. If your going to do it to your spouse, your going to do it to me as well, regardless if he knows your cheating or not. One day you?ll just come to me and tell me you?re cheating as well, and expect that I will deal with it, but I won?t. You may convince your husband to cuckold himself so you can do as you like, you?ve got another thing coming if you think I?ll follow in line. I want a submissive who?s mine; mind, body, soul, and time and I don?t want to have to split that time with your husband. Your kids I understand, your husband I won?t.

I?d never say that my relationships are all about me, because that?s not at all true, nor is it something I?m looking for, as I said before a connection has to be a 2 way street. But that being said I do have minimum requirements that I?ve plainly laid out in my profile about the type of woman I?m looking to have as part of my life. To recap them I will repost that section of my profile verbatim: ?My ideal would be someone around my age or younger, preferably single, and without children, and I?d enjoy someone who is in relatively good shape, as I work hard to be. But that being said, there are always exceptions to the rule. There some amazing women out there who fall outside that mold. What u have to do is click with me. I will not take on a partner I don't click with beyond sex. Have style, have intelligence, have a life outside of sex, have a sense of humor, have care about your self, how u look, in your body, how u carry yourself. Don't have a husband, don't have a dom/domme out there somewhere I have to contend with, don't be a goldigger, don't be a shut in, don't be a doormat. Be honest, be yourself. Be real. It will go a long way.?  I thought that would be fairly plain to understand, someone who?s around my age, single, in decent shape and someone that I connect with beyond sex. Many places it says don?t have a husband, don?t have a Dom. Why is it that some of you need to gloss these facts over before you contact me? Is it the fact that I state there are exceptions to the rule? Let?s think on that, to be an exception one must be exceptional, to me exceptional must be shown to be everything else I want sans one thing, to me exceptional needs to be near perfect for me except for one thing, and then it?s up to ME to decide if that one thing is worth making an exception for. It?s not something for you to decide because Tyra said on TV that you need to be fierce or because your momma told you that you were special. We?re all special in our own special ways, that doesn?t mean that your brand of special coincides with my own. You can use that special as a reason for contacting me, that?s perfectly fine, but if I decide your not right for me, don?t use it as an excuse to go on the offensive because your not getting your way with me. For the record, there?s only one woman I?ve ever met on these sites that I?ve made an exception for, it was a big exception, and I thought she was worth making it, perhaps she was, but in the end making that exception for her hurt me, and that kind of hurt does influence future exceptions. Don?t take it personally, what I do; I do to protect myself from being hurt by you or to keep myself from being put into a relationship that many of you have now, a relationship that?s not right for me. I will not put myself in a situation where 10 years down the line I find I?m bored and not happy and looking to chat like you. You made that mistake don?t expect everyone else to do the same for you to find a way out of it.

Don?t be a Muppet

After several months of posting journals about Egypt, and the events leading up to the trip, and though I know I haven?t exhausted things to talk about regarding the trip, I?ve exhausted my interest in talking about it, at least for now. There are some realizations I?ve made since I?ve come back. Realizations about why I went, and what I was supposed to get from it, ideas that I?m still working out in my head and want to get straight, and though writing them out helps, posting them, especially online, isn?t an interest for me. Part of the reason for that is that I?m starting to think that this secondary online life we lead is a big part of the problem, or at least a big part of my problem, and if I want to talk about it I need to understand my role in it before I start preaching. These aren?t lifestyle issues per se; I?ve already worked out who I am and what I am in the D/s world, don?t question that, and never have. What I question is where I?m going to seek out others who hold the same in their own life, their real life, not the one they are portraying online.

And therein lays the crux of what I?m getting at, there are so many people out here who aren?t real, and aren?t being real when they are online that me being here, dealing with these people is going beyond frustrating into just being draining, like they are sapping the soul. People who are spending more time and effort in hiding who and what they are, to me as well as to themselves, that they don?t even seem real to me anymore. I?ve stopped seeing people here as real, but as some kind of character they are playing, or more accurately, some caricature that they are playing. A Muppet character of who and what they think they are, or think they want, or think they want to be. Fozzie Bear?s in leather harnesses, Miss Piggies in posture collars, Gonzo?s in latex and rubber. They spend their time, and their days trying to convince you that?s actually who they are instead of just being who they are.

?Dom/Domme?s? who are only dominant online while in their real life they can?t even face up to, let alone stand up to the wives and husbands they?ve already started a life with. So instead of dealing with it in real life, they come online acting some act and looking for surrogates to stand in place of the person they can?t get to stand in place for them in their real life. ?Submissive?s? who can?t give up an ounce of control in their real world, but come online trying to get others to believe they are natural submissive?s, the whole while trying to play these passive aggressive games to get others to do what they want.

The term?s ?I?m a Natural submisive? or ?I?m a Natural Dominant? are terms that are so completely overused online that when you see them or when someone says that of themselves you have to question it. Anyone who feels the need to have to say it is more likely trying to convince themselves of it more than they are trying to convince you of it. It?s like someone saying to you to ?trust them? when you obviously don?t and when you hear it come out of their mouth?s you automatically know you can?t. Or when someone you?re in a relationship with says that they ?don?t want to hurt you? and you immediately know that in the end they will. If you are a ?natural? you won?t have to say it, you?ll just be it and there?s never going to be a question about it.

What?s worse are those that you call on their act, causing them to get angry and run away because they know your not buying it, only to come back at you with a different profile trying to make you think your dealing with another person, while doing the same exact thing to you as they did the first time you spoke. There are so many people out here who are working with multiple profiles that when you do meet someone new you can?t even give them the benefit of the doubt when you start talking to them, because you?re looking for tells that they are someone that you?ve spoken to before. You can?t relax out here and just be yourself because you?re always trying to protect yourself from the leaches who are trying to get you to bite on their song and dance, only because they want you to buy the song and dance, not because of any interest in reality.

How many times have I seen new submissive?s come onto these sites with brand new profiles, only to see 2 days later that they have now written that they are ?collared? or ?under consideration? by Master So in So. Come on, I mean really. I?ve never known a woman, any woman, to settle on someone in 2 days time except those that are so needy that they would do much better for themselves by seeking out a shrink in real life than a dominant online. Let me give you a bit of a clue about most of these ?under consideration? folks, 90% of the time its Master So in So that?s created the profile for himself as a advertisement for himself. The thinking for these guys is if you see someone who trusts this ?Dom? there?s a better chance you?ll trust them too. So when they finally contact you, they?ll send you to this submissive for a reference, while in reality they are sending you to them self for a reference.

The worst part of these places is the fact that it?s easier to get someone who lives half way across the world to speak with you, than it is to get someone who lives locally to. You see these women who are local, who seem to be someone you?d be interested in, and you send them an e-mail introducing yourself, and all you get is silence in return. Now I understand that there are a lot of guys on these sites, many more men than women, and I?m sure that the level of e-mail traffic a submissive out here gets is far greater than most of the dominants get. I understand it gets old, but really what?s the point of being here if you?re not going to talk, what?s the point of posting a profile saying you?re looking for someone, only to ignore everyone who says hello to you? A lot of this has to do with making themselves feel desired, having the attention, being able to shoot men down, to ignore them. This is not something they get in their real lives and it empowers them to be able to do it online, the idea of shitting on someone else to make you feel better about being you.

Unfortunately these sites get popular, when they first open up you generally get a group of real people who use the sites as they should be used. But as the sites popularity increases, so does the traffic and the influx of fakes begins. It?s the difference between the yahoo messenger of the 90?s and what one gets now, I mean who bothers to use yahoo beyond an IM vehicle anymore? Slowly these places become so popular that they get flooded with the wrong people, and before you know it, the way the place was changes into something else, something much less that it originally was. Players, poser?s fakes and frauds come in and destroy what it was and instead make it what they want, a hook up site. I?ve said in a number of times that you have to protect these places you use. Unfortunately I?m beginning to believe there aren?t enough real people in these places anymore to defend anything. Once the flood gates open, you can?t close them, and once they are open and things out here start going downhill, the only way you can stop it is to leave it and find a new place or just stop the whole online meeting thing altogether. I?m starting to think I?m about at that place with CollarMe. That there?s not enough reality left in this place anymore to get anything real from them, be it friendships or more. All you?ve got is Muppets doing their Muppet dance and singing their Muppet song and frankly I?m a bit old for the Muppets and my patience for them is really wearing thin. Real are the pyramids, real is the sand of the desert, real is the cold of the snow in NH, and the sting of a spanked bottom. That?s not online, and no one is every going to find that reality online, so why am I spending my time looking for that reality online, in a place that has nothing to do with reality? I don?t know.

This is Egypt.

I?m running a little bit late this week with my journal entry, I had originally planned to work on it last evening, then made plans, then had those plans fall apart because I fell asleep on the couch. There?s nothing I hate more than falling asleep when I could be doing something, just feels like wasted time to me, but this is coming from someone who usually averages about 4 hours sleep a night, so take that for what its worth. I guess my body?s talking to me and telling me to slow down, whether I listen to it or not is another story.

Since I?ve had a number of people write and ask me about the photos of Egypt I?ve posted on Collarme, I?m going to take the time to talk a little bit about each one so you know what you?re looking at. These are the first of many, and I plan on changing them out for new ones once these get old, but all and all I?m pretty happy with the photos I brought back. Unfortunately some of the best photos I took were street photos of the kids who would hound us for cash and pens, and Collarme has a ban on photo?s of underage kids on their site, which is completely understandable, but means that a lot of the street scenes I took I won?t be able to post there. I?m currently working on putting a portfolio up on a photo hosting site, but it will take some time before it?s up and running, so bear with me on that.

I?ve also had a number of people ask why I?m not in more of the photos, or any of the photos I?ve posted so far. There are several reasons for that, first one being that I was primarily traveling alone and I didn?t have a travel partner to take my photo. Second reason was that I was traveling with a very expensive, very borrowed camera and when you?re using a very expensive, very borrowed camera you don?t run around asking strangers to take your picture. Anyone who?s ever seen National Lampoon?s European Vacation knows what I?m talking about there. It?s a very easy way to have your camera walk away on you never be seen again. I could have of course have asked one of the Brits I was traveling with to take a photo of me, but I?ve found it?s not very smart to ask someone who has a hard time using their 50 dollar point and shoot camera to operate one that has all the bells and whistles, most of the time they are too afraid of it and won?t touch it anyway. I?d considered setting up my tripod and doing the self timer thing, but it?s really hard to set it up and walk away from your camera when you?re in a foreign country, you always expect someone to grab the camera and run with it. If you?re even allowed to set the tripod up, in many of the places like Giza and Sakara your not allowed to set up a tripod because it?s too easy to use as a weapons platform and the Egyptians tend to be very protective of their historic sites. I learned to just leave the tripod in the room lest I take a rifle butt to the head from an overzealous guard.

The first photo posted is the view from my hotel room when I was staying in Cairo, step out onto the balcony and that is what I saw. The pyramids dominate the landscape of Cairo; many people use them as a landmark to judge where they are in the city. But no matter how amazing they look during the day, you can?t beat how they look at night when the moon is out and big and coming up behind them. I spent an evening trying to capture that image, but it never worked out quite right.

The next photo is of the Great Pyramid also known as the Pyramid of Khufu, taken on the first day we spent at Giza. You really can?t understand the size of it unless you?re next to it, but the thing is massive. This photo was made at the backside of the pyramid, the entrance is located on the other side, but also on the other side are roads and the city of Cairo behind them and its very difficult to make a photo of it from that side without getting cars and tourists in the shot. Another problem is the fact that you have to literally walk a half mile out into the desert to get the whole thing in frame, and you can?t do that from the front. Even a half mile out into the desert I still couldn?t get the whole thing in frame but I didn?t want to travel out any further than I did, the last thing you want to do is get lost in the Egyptian desert, or lose your tour group.

Photo number 3 is an image I made in the courtyard of one of the museums we went to, where they recreated an Old Kingdom garden. It was an amazing place that made you feel like you?re in an oasis. Amazing plants and palms, and a pond at its center with white and blue lotus grown in it and odd looking red dragonfly?s zipping here and there. Everything was green, which really stands out as odd when you?re used to either the city, or the desert. It was a great opportunity for me to break out the infra red filter for the camera and give it a try. One of the great affects of an infra red filter is that it turns anything green to white when you?re using it in black and white mode. It?s a really great affect when shooting plants or landscapes with green plants in it as it gives the whole scene an ethereal feeling, like you?re in a dream.

The next image is of course the sphinx with the great pyramid in the background. The sphinx is just cool, no if?s, and?s or but?s about it. And definitely the place I took the most photographs of. It?s a weird place as its set low, with bluffs running almost completely around it. Most tourists don?t get to come down to its level; they tend to keep most groups up on the bluffs above it and away from it. As we were a small group, and I assume that someone was paid something as we were allowed not only down to it, but were able to walk around it and touch it, much to the chagrin of those tourists stuck on the bluffs.

The next image is me getting artsy with the Obelisk at Karnak Temple, by framing it with the sun behind. I?m not sure if it?s a little cheesy or not, but I like it.

The next image is a shot of some of the wall decorations on the Temple of Amun-Mut-Khonsu at Luxor. It?s a sad thing, but most of the ornamentation on the outside walls of most of Egypt?s temples is being lost. Mostly this is due to the atmosphere, pollution, rain, and over zealous tourists looking for souvenirs; this wall art is slowly fading away. You can see some of the loss at the bottom of the image where the wall images are falling away. The Egyptians are making the attempt to remove as much of it as they can and get these things indoors into museums, but it?s a slow process and in doing so, they are making the temple spots less impressive. In some places they are trying to restore, but that?s an expensive thing to do for a country without a lot of resources.

The next image is of a place called the western cemetery, the place where many of the artisans who worked on the Great Pyramid were buried. Basically they are rows and rows of walled tombs that have crumbled and lost their roofs, now unearthed, they are exposed to the sky. These weren?t the tombs for those that did most of the labor, those people who lugged the stones; these are the tombs of the artists, the sculptors, and overseer?s who worked on the pyramid. All buried in a complex that very much resembles a small city of homes. Your can walk the streets of this place with doors of tombs on either side of you. It?s set off away from and behind the great pyramid, and away from most of the roads and the city, so it?s a very quiet place. Tourists aren?t allowed to walk alone in this place, unless of course you?re laying pens on people.

The next image is one of the more creepy experiences I had in Egypt. As I was walking alone through the western cemetery, I happened through the door of one of the tombs, and there in a small recess in the wall, was this skull looking at me. I?m fairly certain that it was left there on purpose, and it wasn?t a major archeological find or anything like that, but it definitely brings the reality home to you. Until then I was approaching these places without the realization of what they really were. I saw them as a cool place, but not a cemetery, once you see a skull, you?re brought down to earth again and you start treating these places with a little more respect.

The next image is Luxor at twilight, taken as we were waiting for a concert to start. The Egyptians use these places really well. The now have many of them lit well with electric lights, and use some of these spaces at night to hold concerts and plays, or they will put a screen up and show movies, many of the museums will host openings there. It changes the feel of a concert or a movie when you?re sitting viewing it in a space that is several thousand years old.

The next image is of course boats sailing on the Nile at dusk. We spent 3 days sailing up the Nile, stopping each day to get off and see the sites. It was a floating hotel on one of the oldest and busiest highways on the Earth. People have been using the Nile for transportation since the beginning and still do to this day. At any given time we could go up on deck and no matter where we were we could count 20 to 30 boats around us at all times, some going up stream, some down, some just crossing the river. It truly is a highway on the water. Most of these are small sailboats like the one in the photo, those are the most prevalent boat one can find on the Nile, but you also find yachts, launch?s, riverboats, and barges pulled by tugs. It?s a smelly river, this is for sure, but get beyond that and it?s truly beautiful. 

The next image was taken in the Valley of the Kings. Again it?s a little on the artsy side, and has nothing to do with Egypt beyond the fact that it was taken there, but it?s a great photo, so how can you pass it up.

The next image is my biggest disappointment of the trip, its one of those ?could have been? photos that should have been great, is great, except for the fact that there was just a slight bit of camera shake for some reason or other, so its slightly out of focus. Everything is there for a National Geographic photo, except the sharpness. You get photos like this every once in a while, great photos that almost were. This one almost was.  The Balloon? It?s a tourist gimmick the Egyptians use to get tourists to part with their cash, kind of like parasailing in the Caribbean. You pay your cash, hop into a balloon and see the sites from above. I thought it was a bit of a waste money wise, but it?s a great addition to a landscape photo.

If the photo was an image that could have been, this last image is one that is. Its one of those photos where everything just came together all at once, and I just happened to be in the right place, at the right time. It was our last day on Giza and we were waiting on the vans to pick us up to bring us back to the hotel, I had made my way to the edge of a bluff overlooking the valley and had sat down to drink in my last moments there. I snapped this image just as the vans showed up to take us away and snapped this last photo as an afterthought. Just goes to show that sometimes an afterthought isn?t a lesser thought and sometimes gives you the best image of your trip.

Guess Who?s Back

Well look at what the cat dragged in. Yup it?s me, back safely on U.S. soil once again. It was an amazing trip, and though I?m glad to be home, I could have easily spent another 2 weeks in Egypt. There is just too much here to see and experience that makes 2 weeks seem like such a tease. You can spend 2 weeks in Cairo/Giza alone and still not see and experience everything there is to see. I suppose that can be said for anywhere if you?re into the place, but Egypt, well, is Egypt. Going to all these places and seeing all these things that up until now I?ve only experienced in books has been a completely surreal experience. Just to wake up in the morning and look your window onto the city of Cairo, or go to sleep watching the moon pass behind the pyramids, what else can you say, unbelievable. It feels like I stepped out of my life and for 2 weeks I was living someone else?s, Indiana Jones or someone like that. It?s definitely not the feeling you get after spending 2 weeks on the Cape, which may or may not be relaxing, but you?re probably not going to walk away from it saying ?WOW?.  Egypt was WOW, every day was WOW.

I made an attempt to keep a daily journal when I was there, but it didn?t happen once I got to Egypt, we were just doing so much that there wasn?t any time to write. Even when I had down time I found I couldn?t write, I was either too tried or too overwhelmed and needed to decompress. To compensate I gave myself an assignment to take a minimum of 100 photographs a day, no matter what. It?s something that sounds a lot easier than it really is, as I first found out in college when one of my teachers assigned the task to us for the semester. I had a hard time of it then, you find yourself forcing photos, but by shooting so heavily, you don?t just increase the number of photos you get, but also the number of good photos you get. In the end, photography is a numbers game, out of 100 photos you shoot, you?re lucky to get 10 to 15 good ones, and of those maybe 5 amazing ones, if you?re good. But the more you do it, and the more you shoot, the more the numbers increase. Before you know it you?re getting 30 or 40 good photos out of 100 and 10 to 15 amazing ones, that?s where practice comes into play. There?s no photographer out there that takes a good photo every time they click the shutter, it?s just not possible. But the more you do it, the more you get, and through practice, and sheer numbers, you eventually get a body of work. For anyone interested in photography, professionally or just because you enjoy it, I highly recommend shooting 100 a day. So after everything was said and done, I ended up with a final tally of over 1700 images that I can now sift through and play with at leisure. I know it doesn?t sound like its much fun to most people, but for me, it?s a form of heaven.

The funny thing about being a professional photographer?s assistant is that you lose yourself in someone else?s work, and you don?t realize it. You?re always working on their images, shooting them, prepping them, printing them, talking about them, and scouting locations to make more of them. Before long you get so wrapped up in their work that you don?t realize you?re not doing your own. This trip was a gut check for me, in a lot of different ways and on a lot of different levels, many of which I haven?t even started thinking about yet, but one of the things that?s been fairly obvious is that I?ve been neglecting my own work. I haven?t been setting the time away to shoot, I haven?t been thinking about my work and what comes next, I haven?t been published or in a show in years. My photography has become a second thought, not a focus, something I do when I?m out doing something else. These 2 weeks have been all about me, all about my photography, my photos, my vision, and I?ve missed that.

This country is just inspiring if you?re an artist, no matter what medium you practice in. Photography, painting, drawing, sculpture, metals, pottery, glass, weaving, architecture, music, literature, no matter what you do, your going to find something here that?s going to blow your mind and that?s going to have an affect on the work you do. Many people don?t understand the draw of this place, and I think in a lot of ways, you have to be an artist to truly appreciate it. It?s one of the few places where you can follow the evolution of art over thousands of years, from the stick figures of cave painting, to the flat one dimensional images of tomb painting, through to the Greek influenced realism of the New Kingdom as seen in the long necked bust of Nefertiti. It?s a rare thing in the art world to have a people producing art uninterrupted for such a long period of time and rarer still to be able to still be able to see these things today first hand. Egypt has been a crossroads with so many influences beyond its own that you can?t help but be inspired by it.

I?m uploading some of the better images I made over the last couple weeks to my profiles, but I?m going to hold off on the explanations for them until they get approved. Some of the sites I post on don?t have the ability to support photos, so if you can?t see them where you are, just let me know and I?ll direct you to where you can. I?m going to cut it a little short this week as I have a lot to do, and I?m still a bit lagged due to the flight, but I hope everyone is well, stop by and say hello when you can.

I AM THE PEN MAN!!???koo koo kachoo

Hey kids, look whose back, well not back yet, but still broadcasting from the banks of the beautiful, even if a bit stinky, Nile River. It?s late and I want to post this while I have a decent internet connection. It?s dial up, so photos are going to have to wait till I get back but they will be worth waiting for. Hope all had a great Halloween, I spent mine crawling around the Valley of the Kings, Salem has nothing on that place when it comes to the Halloween CreepoMeter. Pretty cool way to spend Halloween if you ask me, though so is the Witch?s Ball some years and for completely different reasons, so I?m sorry I missed it. And before I forget, GO SOX! GO PATS! GO BC! There, glad to get that out of my system. I?m surrounded by Brits and Egyptians here. I say football and someone hands me a soccer ball. Damned foreigners! (wink)

What to say, it?s been an amazing trip so far, a completely out of this world (or maybe out of my world?s a better way to put it) experience. I don?t want to say a once in a lifetime experience, because I hope its not, but it?s definitely memories I?m going to take with me to the grave. The places, the people, the environment, everything has been so different from what I have always known, that when I run into something that?s common to my world like a crow in a tree or a cup from McDonald?s laying crushed on the ground it stands out like it?s made of neon.

It?s hard to understand when you hear people speak about the ?third world? on TV, you hear the word, and you don?t really know what it means. I used to hear the words ?third world countries? and in my mind I?d subconsciously substitute the word ?poor people? I?m not sure I can speak for everyone, but I think most Americans are pretty universal in doing this. It?s not intentional, it?s not meant to be mean, it?s just a way to simplify something we know absolutely nothing about into terms we can understand in our own realities. The truth is these places are so different from most of our daily lives, beyond money, beyond religion, beyond appearance or the customs of the people. The environment itself is so vastly different from ours that it has to promote a vastly different way of living that no one can really understand unless they experience it for themselves. Its not called ?the third world? because these people have all these resources that they either choose to not use, or are too stupid to realize they can use, it?s because these places are hard places to live, very hard, and their resources are very limited. Egypt doesn?t have a Kansas for its grain, and a Texas for its beef, and a Florida for its oranges. But it?s hard to understand that until you stand at the edge of the desert and look into it at the height of the day and all you see is sand, and you know that all there is beyond that is sand. We all know this, that?s the picture every American has of Egypt, we?re taught it in school, but like I say about a lot of things, you can think you know, but you never really know until you know.

One I got here one of the first things that stood out to me was the filth, it?s so bad that it?s shocking. All the buildings are covered in a layer of exhaust from the cars, there?s trash everywhere, to the point where you start to wonder why these people would live in filth. But then you find out that for thousands of years these people would just toss their trash, because it was all organic, nothing synthetic, and as such, in this environment, there?d always be something around that would eat it. Animals, bugs, etc., eventually something would come around that would find whatever the trash edible, and it would disappear. Anything inedible like metals was rarely thrown away, and when they were they would be reused by someone else in some way, things like pottery were broken, and eventually ground unto dust. Only in the last 100 years has synthetic materials come into being. Items like plastics that don?t decompose, and aren?t eaten by anything have found their way into a society that for thousands of years before this century were conditioned to just toss their trash, which is what they have continued to do with their plastics, and its all built up around them. It?s doesn?t smell nearly as much as you?d expect, but that?s only because any organic material that could rot and smell is still quickly found by something and eaten, and the fact that the dry heat of Egypt doesn?t let things rot. It?s just mounds and mountains of trash that they just sweep around, and even if they did choose to pick it all up, I have no idea what they would do with anyway. The only really bad smell I?ve come across is some of the places on the Nile, especially the places where it passes near or through cities. The Nile is an extremely polluted river, but again, after several thousand years, I think its something that should probably be expected. I mean to put it into perspective look what we did to the Charles River in Boston, and that only took us 300 years more or less, just imagine what it could look like after 1000 years. The Nile you don?t swim in it unless the boat goes down, you don?t walk in its mud with bare feet, the river can kill just as easily as the Crocodiles that live in it. And even so, even with all that, it is one of the most surreally beautiful places I?ve ever seen. There?s something that sets it apart, makes it different, than any other river I?ve ever been on.

The people are very strange, much nicer, and more grounded that I?d ever been lead to expect. I mean of course I?m a tourist so everyone?s going to be nice and as I?m an American, I?m of course supposed to be rich, so that makes them even nicer, but it?s a niceness with a purpose, which makes it feel fake, even when it?s genuine. I travel in a group of 18 people, 8 of us are on the tour, 2 Brits that serve as our tour guides, 2 Egyptian drivers, and 6 Egyptians with AK 47?s that serve as security and who regularly save us from mobs of children who pull at your pockets and over zealous merchants who put their arms around you like your best friend and physically move you into their shop. It?s a bit disconcerting when some guy in a foreign country comes up to you out of nowhere, puts his arm around your shoulder and starts moving your forcefully into his store all the while saying, ?All right Buddy, Come see my friend. You will like all.? You have no idea what?s going on, but defensive mode kicks in instantly and you push off looking for someone to hit. With most people on the trip the guards seem to get a kick out of this reaction and let it go on. With some of the ladies on tour I think they let the merchants a little more leeway because they get a kick out of the act. But after I almost decked the first merchant that tried it on me, they tend to react a lot quicker when I get cornered, but they make up for it with the kids and they seem to leave me to their grips much longer as they seem pretty sure I?m not going to deck one of them.

I don?t fear crime here, at least not nearly as much as I expected I would. I mean if you?re stupid and leave your money on the table and walk away, then you get what you deserve, but for the most part crime is non existent. Part of this is due to the laws, which are really strict when it comes to stealing, but it?s also due to the fact that they are a very religious people, and to them stealing really is a sin that they don?t want to commit. But lying on the other hand is an entirely different story. Lying is not considered a sin to them, especially when it comes to separating a tourist from their money and they will pretty much tell you anything, offer you anything to sell to you, and the more they want to sell, the more the lying increases. It?s almost comical the lengths they will go to sell to you, but can you blame them really?

The kids are a different story, they are relentless, and unless the security gets involved and herds them away, they won?t stop looking for cash. Some will pick pocket, so you have to take measures to secure your money, but for the most part, they, like the grown ups, stick to sheer persistence and lying to get what they want from you. I came prepared for this though, and my preparation has paid off in spades for me, and beyond. Before I left I searched the net looking for travel tips, basic travel tips as well as tips for traveling in Egypt. One tip stood out as an odd one, but after spending some time thinking about it, made a lot of sense to me. In it, the author said to not bring money to hand out to the mobs of kids, but bring pens.

Pens???? I know it sounds completely odd at first, but think about it, a dollar in Egypt amounts to about .17 cents American, so if your going to be handing out cash, your going to be carrying a wad of cash around all the time and that?s just not a smart thing to do no matter where you are. A pen on the other hand, is a different story, Egyptians get pens from the same place we do, Korea, and because of that they pay the same prices we pay for pens. But because of the difference in currency, a pen to us that costs us .50 cents to buy, costs someone in Egypt almost 3 dollars, far too expensive for most Egyptians to afford. So to them, ball point pens are a luxury, not a daily object. Instead of pocketing a wad full of cash, you fill a pocket of your backpack with pens, and hand them out when the kids mob you. It?s so much better than getting a buck from you that they fuss over the pens once they get them instead of bothering you for more cash. Before I left home I went to a local Dollar type store and found a deal where they were offering 100 ball point pens for 5 bucks. So I picked up 500 hundred cheap pens, you know the cheap blue pens with the white eraser at one end that always breaks off whenever you try to erase anything and whenever I go out for the day I fill a pocket full of them.

At first I just gave them out to the kids whenever they mobbed us, and they worked like a charm, it was amazing how wild some of them went over a pen. After the first time I handed them out, I noticed all the Egyptians in our group were looking strange, so I asked one of the drivers if I shouldn?t be giving out pens, perhaps it was an insult I didn?t understand. ?No insult?, the driver answered, ?but don?t we get pens too?? And that was it; the adults wanted the pens just as much as the kids did. So I laid enough pens on these guys so their whole family could have their own, and after that I started laying pens on everyone I meet. Smartest thing I ever did and the closest I ever came to being able to give out free money to people. What can I say, these guys love their pens; some merchant is giving me a hard time and the hard sell on something, give him a pen and all of a sudden, ?OOOOHHHH PEN!? and I?m out of the store with a great deal and much less hassle. I?m out on the Giza plateau and start giving out pens to the guys guarding the sites there, next thing I know I?m walking alone through the houses of the people who built the pyramids. Swear to god. I?m not supposed to be anywhere on the Giza plateau alone and unsupervised and these guys are letting me wander around alone taking my photos. I look to my left, and yup, there?s a skull. No kidding, I?ve even got the photo to prove it. Just someone?s skeleton sitting right out there in the sun. I?ve not just touched, but climbed on and in the Great Pyramid, I got to kiss the paw of the Sphinx and see the tunnel that runs underneath it and supposedly leading to the secret chamber at its feet, all because of pens. I am, for all intensive purposes, the pen man and I wouldn?t have it any other way. koo koo kachoo.

Adios Amigos

I?m late with this weeks post, but happily so as I spent this weekend welcoming my nephew Sam into the world. My sister ?S?s? first child was born early Friday morning weighing in at 6lbs 4oz. It was a long delivery, but thankfully both mother and child are happy, healthy and home. Congratulations to ?S? and her husband ?J? for their beautiful new son, and cheers to Sam from his uncle, welcome to the world.

So it?s getting to be that time, next week I?m out of here and I?m starting to get that old feeling again. The near joy of being on a road I?ve never traveled, on my own, with just my own agenda to worry about, I love it, and got to admit I?ve needed it, I?ve missed it. I don?t think I can describe it to anyone who?s not felt it themselves, but it?s a feeling of freedom that you just don?t get stuck in a 9 to 5 hell. Kerouac tried in ?On the Road?, did a pretty good job of it too, but you have to experience it to really know. Just that feeling of peace knowing its all you, no worrying about anything or anyone but you, the only desires are yours, the only problems are yours. The only question you have to decide on is a destination, and in truth, you don?t really even need one of those, sometimes just a direction will do. You don?t often get to enjoy that feeling without guilt these days, our time in our lives is now so measured. When you can find a moment when you can realize a freedom from that, indulge in it.

I?ve been lucky enough to have had that feeling a number of times in my life, I?m sure that?s why I get the wanderlust when life gets rough, I long for those moments when all the crap means nothing. I can remember the first time I recognized it, I had just graduated H/S and my girlfriend and I had taken off to follow the Grateful Dead up and down the east coast for the summer as a graduation present to ourselves. Going from show to show, sleeping under the cover of my cab in the bed of my F150. Living off money we saved, then hustling for cash once it ran out, just enough for gas, food and fun and onto the next show. Mad people, mad times, mad places and no worries but for each other and no obligations except have a good time and watch each other?s back. Granted, living like that gets old after a while, especially as you get older but when you?re young, doing it and into it, it?s a really pure way to live, even if its in an impure wrapper.

Next time it came on me was the day after ?H? asked me to leave our place in FL. The next day I packed everything I owned into the back of the old F150, pulled all my cash out of the bank, and headed north. I called no one, no one knew where I was, and I had no destination, just a direction, and I just drove, still in shock, lost in the world that I thought had just crumbled around me. It wasn?t a happy moment, in many ways it was one of the lowest moments in my life, but through it all, it was that freedom that shown through. I realized that I could go anywhere, any place at all. At that very moment I could choose to go anyplace, and start new, no one was waiting on me, there were no bills I had to pay, or places I had to be, no one waiting on me to pick them up, no boss looking at a clock somewhere counting down the moments until I walk through the door. It was all about me and what I wanted, and that meant everything at that point in my life. I pulled over in Savanna GA, because it was one of the most beautiful places I?d ever seen, and I stayed. Eventually I found my way to Athens, GA and got an economy apt with a month to month lease off the University of Georgia campus and just lived. I didn?t know anyone, had no business being there besides the fact that it was cool and most importantly, it let me get my head together until I was ready to move on. I spent almost a year in GA, just living, not aspiring to anything beyond my own needs and UG sorority girls, not a bad way to spend a year in your life if you ask me.

Next time it happened to me came about a year later, I?d moved from Athens with a girl I met to Alexandria, VA and had spent a year there doing pretty much nothing beyond submerging myself in the lifestyle. Washington D.C. and the areas directly surrounding D.C. strangely enough, is the home of one of the biggest and most active D/s communities in the country. Hands down. The numbers of people who were active in the scene to me was mind boggling, and I submerged myself in it for a time. The first problems with that were caused just from living in the D.C. area, which is one of the most expensive places in the country to live. Living in Alexandria quickly became a constant hustle, constantly trying to earn enough money to keep your head above water. As I said before, it?s a life that?s cool if you?re into it, but as one gets older, that interest wanes and the discomforts you have to endure start to outweigh the fun you?re having. In a situation like that you find 2 sorts, people who are as broke as you, and those who aren?t, and if D.C. isn?t predatory enough, that just makes it worse. You start learning that in that environment, you can?t trust anyone, and that gets just as old. So with that as my motivation, I started planning my escape from Dodge, a deliverance which came in the form of acceptance to college in Boston. Once the acceptance letter came, actually to be more accurate, once the letter came that said the funding was in place, then the feeling came again. The thought of another road not yet traveled, possibilities not yet discovered, the chance to recreate again, brought the feeling again. I was 24 years old, and the world again was new.

As we get older, we have less and less of a chance to truly feel our freedom; our lives get bogged down with responsibilities and commitments that we can?t ignore. The hustle and bustle of the rat race catches up with us and before we know it 10 years have passed and we are so entrenched in our path of life, that to remove ourselves from it, even for a short while, causes a chain reaction that brings the walls crashing down on any number of people. I mean it took me 2 weeks of working weekends to put my boss in a spot where I felt I could take off and do this without him burning the place down. I suppose it?s the trade off we pay for some stability in our lives. In a way we have to give up some of our freedom, to become a productive member of society. But to have that ability to every once in a while step out of society completely and go someplace to do something, or see something or experience something, just for ourselves, to me is the essence of freedom, and the essence of D/s, and maybe that?s the point of taking this trip.

So this is going to be my last post for a while, I?m unsure if I?ll be able to put something together before I head out next week, but if I don?t have the time to come up with something maybe I?ll take the easy route and do a greatest hit?s kind of thing and reprint something from the past, who knows. They say I?ll have internet access for a good portion of the trip, and I?ve borrowed a laptop with internet access for the trip. It?s mostly to download photos to, but if I have the time, and access I?ll post a travel log of my adventure, if not, I?ll do so when I get back. Don?t be afraid to send mail along, if I can answer I will and if not, nothing online makes me smile more than an inbox full of e-mails to answer. I hope all of you out there take care of yourselves and each other as best as your able. Miss N I do hope your health gets better and when I get back I find you up and around again, and to C, don?t let the bastards get you down. The rest of you, take care of yourselves and don?t get into any trouble without me.

Where?d He Go?

I?ve been talking to a number of people out here that all seem to be suffering from the same problem, all suffering from similar hurts. They are different people, with different needs, in different situations and from different places all brought together online for the same thing, the hope of finding some safe place within the lifestyle to exist. The tie that binds their situations together isn?t the place they came together, or the lifestyle each came to find, it?s the fact that each thought they found what they had been seeking, and believed they had found a measure of happiness there, only to have that happiness abruptly vanish as if is was not there at all. They had found relationships online and nurtured those relationships to a point they believed them solid, all online relationships that had moved from online into life?s reality. Relationships that they thought were, working for them and for their Sir?s, only to wake up one day to find those relationships gone, without word or fair warning. All suffer from the same loss, a loss not caused by misfortune, or by death, but loss caused by the indifference of ?Dominants? without the courage to release their partners in the right way.

These ?Dominants? don?t explain to their former partners the reasons behind the break or the why?s that it has to be. Instead the just make the break without saying a word and like cowards, they stick their head in the sand and cut off all contact completely. E-mails go unanswered, chat requests denied, phone calls left ringing in the ear and no word, no explanation as to why. True that some may see reason in their own mind, words said or unsaid, actions done, or not done, that they can chalk up as possible reasons why, just as many find they have no reason why, only questions left unanswered, and scars that are long to heal. All of them left searching for a closure that I don?t think they will ever find from their former partners, but perhaps closure I can give them with my own take on why.

One thing I?ve found about relationships that are started online, or based online, is that they can easily be turned into disposable relationships, because you?re really not in each other?s lives. You?re an e-mail in the bin, a chat box on the screen, a voice on the phone, and every now and again, if it doesn?t impose too much, you may get an afternoon or evening together or if your lucky a whole day, or night. Because of that, online relationships are easy to manage, easy to hide, and easy to break off at a moments notice, which is why many out here seek them. If things get too tough, or too close, all you have to do is shut down the show, and not deal with it anymore, don?t answer the e-mails, put the Messenger ID?s on block, don?t pick up the phone and relationships over. Why? Because your not really in this person?s life your just on their screen, and then only when they want you to be.

Most of the time your just the entertainment, entertainment for someone who?s bored, bored with their life, their marriage, their work and looking for something to entertain them. It?s really easy to confuse boredom with interest. It happens all the time, on both sides of the coin. You think all this time spent typing and talking and doing means something because they are there doing it with you. You have to ask yourself, ?Why are they there? Is it for you? Or is it because they don?t have anything else to do?? What would they be doing if they weren?t talking to you?  If you can answer that with things like, they?d be watching TV, they?d be working, they?d be spending time with their family, then more than likely you?re the entertainment. What do you do when the shows over? You change the channel or you turn the TV off, sound familiar?

The why?s as to why it has to end can be anything, from actual slights and hurts, to boredom with the situation. A lot of times relationships often grown far beyond the intention of the person, this is usually the case with married people who are cheating. The relationship becomes serious enough to become difficult to manage and its time to shut it down before the better half finds out or becomes affected by it. It starts becoming something that wasn?t planned for or intended, and it?s much easier to just shut it down than deal with it or to see it end the right way. What are they going to care anyway, they aren?t going to respond. Classic case of if I don?t see it, its not there.

Remember, in most cases your not really in this person?s life, and all you know is what they?ve told you about themselves. It?s not as if you can go get the real scoop from their siblings, or friends, or co workers, to confirm or deny what they?ve told you. You?re going on the character of this person, or charm depending on where and when you look at it. A lot of the time I?ve found that character seems to dissolve into nothing but charm over time, especially online. I tend to live by the adage that you can?t believe anything you hear and you can only believe half of what you see. That?s especially true when it comes to anything or anyone online. Most of the time people can?t tell the whole truth to themselves, let alone to anyone else. If you?re not in a persons life, and more importantly in a persons life because they want you there, then you?re never going to know the real truth behind what happened or what?s going on. All you?re going to get to go on is what you?ve been told is going on, and I?ve found the 2 are never exactly the same. And in truth, most of the time, you don?t really want to know what?s really going on, those truths are usually tough pills to take and leave the scars that last the longest.

One last thing to look at when this happens is yourself and what you?re doing. Not what you?ve done, or not done, but more how you?re approaching the relationship and how it?s affecting you vs how it?s affecting them. A lot of the time when we are happy, it can blind us to some realities. We start to see what we want to see and not whats really going on. In a good relationship, both sides of it have to move along at pretty much the same speed, its got to be a parallel, symbiotic thing moving forward somewhat equally, i.e. if you fall in love with someone who?s not in love with you, your got nothing but trouble on your hands. I?ve found this seems to happen a lot online, where one half sees something in the other person and believes it kismet, or they feels something when they are with that person and believes it fate, when in the other person?s mind its nothing at all. It?s the old ?they just aren?t that into you? thing, and there?s nothing you can do about that except see it as that and move on. If you?re kidding yourself, most of the time no one is going to want to inflict that kind of hurt on anyone by telling them so, and sometimes, the only thing to do is ignore them until the person finally gets it. Don?t be blinded, look at yourself, and the situations without the rose colored glasses and ask yourself if you?re the one that?s in fact making it difficult for the other person to break it off. If you are, you may be bringing it all on yourself.

Most people don?t deserve to be hurt, and the ones that do deserve it usually avoid it, it?s not something you can do anything about, or dwell on. In the end the best way to make sure this doesn?t happen is to be smart about what you?re doing. Take things slow; don?t rush into anything, especially when it comes to emotions. The thing about truth you always have to remember is you never really know it until you know it, you don?t really know if someone is going to hurt you or not, until they do it or not. Don?t believe anything but that. If you?re worried about your relationship going this route, ask yourself this. If this person stops answering my e-mails, and stops answering my chat, and stops answering my phone calls, will I still be able to get in contact with this person and talk to them. If your answer to this question is No, then you have to think about your relationship in a different light, for your own good. If your wrong about it, your partner will take the steps to make you a part of theirs.

Decisions

Alright, alright, alright, I?m going, jeeze you all are a pushy bunch aren?t ya. And most of you call yourselves submissives, who?d of thunk it. If I didn?t know any better I?d think some of you are out to get ride of me, or at least we have some classic cases of those trying to top from the bottom, some of you may want to work on that. (wink)

Truth is I?d already made the decision to go before I finished writing last week?s blog, I just had to read it for myself, which is the reason I wrote the thing in the first place. I know a lot of you see this as some type of spiritual quest for closure. In a way it is I suppose, in many ways it is, but it?s not why I decided to go. Like I said last week, it is without a doubt the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me and it would be really selfish of me to not accept it. Hopefully it will bring some closure, and maybe a few more things, who knows. Perhaps you?ll see me next on some al Qaida video having my head chopped off, but let?s hope not.

After talking to the lawyer again, it seems she put a lot more thought into this than I originally gave her credit for, and that?s saying a lot as I?m blown away by what she?s done already. Seems she took the time to research travel agencies and found one in England that specializes on 1^st class travel/adventure tours of Egypt. I reserved a place on their next tour for the last week in October and the first week of November, 14 days and nights in Egypt, only trick is I have to fly to England to connect with the tour before it fly?s off to Egypt, so I think I?m going to be flying into London a couple days early so I can spend some time there before I go off with the tour. Maybe I?ll find my perfect set of Joe Banks traveling luggage for the trip. (any of you movie freaks out there??) The tour starts out at the Nile Delta and follows the Nile up through all the sites in the old kingdom, up through the sites of the new, with a 3 day stop in Cairo, 3 days actually living on a river boat on the Nile, and 3 days in the desert living in tents a la Lawrence of Arabia (or Egypt for our purposes). Its all pretty grand, far more money involved that I?ve ever bothered to spend on a vacation. The taxes are going to kill me this year, but I?ll live with it. It?s a small price to pay for once in a lifetime.

A lot of your e-mails spoke of ?love?. A lot of you thought what I wrote last week showed that. I don?t know, if I did it wasn?t intentional. Believe me, it wasn?t an ideal relationship, if it was we?d have still been together, which we weren?t. I held what happened against her, I felt she copped out for the money, and I thought less of her because of it. I chose to keep her at arms length, even when I was bailing her out of trouble, I did it with a detachment that she hated, and I know she hated. It?s a detachment I think I got used to, because I?m still doing it to people. Even when we were together, we never thought of it as ?love?. We knew we were right, that?s all. Who knows if its love or not, I guess you can call it potato if you like, if it describes the same thing what?s the difference. Did we both see each other as soul mates? Yea I guess in our own way we did, but it?s a lot easier to buy into something like that when both sides of the coin believe in it. That?s how we saw each other, the opposite sides of the same coin, and I guess it?s a standard I still measure others by, for good or ill.

A lot of people out here don?t believe in ?love?, especially in regards to D/s. it all depends on you and your needs, if you need to be objectified, or to objectify, without passion, without emotion, than I guess the no love routes for you. If your out there cheating on your wife and kids, I guess you?d need that detachment from your playmate. Or perhaps it?s just being selfish, a narcissistic need to have it all for yourself, and fuck everyone else. Whatever your crutch, if that?s what you need, more power to you. But it?s not everyone?s way and it?s not mine. Ultimately it?s about what you?re in this for, if you?re just in it for the sex, then you are, but some live this lifestyle to go beyond sex to the soul, and a lot of us find that in that place is where D/s truly lives.

In the end I don?t think love really matters to anyone but yourself, it?s a personal thing and one you don?t necessarily need to acknowledge as love, to yourself, or to your partner, even if the situation requires it. In many cases I?ve found telling someone can do more harm than good. When that happens, when you come upon that point, you need to weigh what?s more important, the harm saying the word can cause, or the good that can come of it. And you better be ok with the outcome, whatever it may be, because a lot of the time you?re not going to like it. It?s a powerful word with a lot of meaning behind it, use it well if you?re going to use it, cherish it when you have it for yourself, and if you don?t know what to do about it, remember this quote; ?Si je vous aime, quelles affaires sont lui à vous.? Loosely translated it means, "If I do love you, what business is it of yours?" not a bad thing to remind yourself at those times.

From the Grave She Speaks

I know I?ve said before, on a number of occasions, that this has been a weird year for me. One of those years where one screwed up situation lines up after another, forcing me to deal with each as it comes, without a lot of time to comprehend what?s just happened. I know some of you think I?m being a bit overdramatic, it truth on some days I?d agree with you on that. The suck it up and deal with it gene kicks in and I push on, no harm, no worries. People walk out of you life and don?t say why. Ah well, these things happen. Friends die out of the blue? Such is the way of life. Your family members having health problems? This shit happens. You hurt yourself?  Be more careful next time. Your life changes completely from what it was just a year ago. That?s the way the cookie crumbles. Don?t take offence, don?t try to make any sense of it, just let it roll off you and move forward. Write a blog, bitch about it a bit and get over it, this crap can?t go on forever, right?....... RIGHT?.......... Wrong.  

This week has been so weird, so surreal for me that I have no idea how to understand it, let alone know how to put it to words for someone else to. How do you get another person to comprehend something, you can?t get your mind around yourself, let alone understand in any meaningful way. I only make the attempt now because I need to get it all off my chest and hopefully by writing it all out I?ll be able to make enough sense out of what?s going on to figure out what I?m going to do about it. So I?m going to give it my best shot and see what happens, I?m going to sound crazy, so bear with me it will all come together in the end, I hope. Now if I can only find out figure out a place to begin.

I guess the best place to start is with a bit of a primer on my ideas on spirituality. I?ve written this before, but quick and dirty; I see people, and how they interact as energies. Picture it as planets moving through space on their orbits, each of us are our own planet, with our own energy, or gravity in planetary terms. So each of us are moving through space, moving through life on our own course, on our own orbit, when we encounter other people in our lives, our orbits cross with the orbits of those people we meet.

With some people the energies are the same, the gravities attract, and those people follow along on similar orbits to our own, they are always in our life. Parents, siblings, family members, close friends, close enemies, they are the people that are always there in our lives, the ones we know will always be there in our lives, always with us because they follow the same orbit as our own.

 With other people the opposite happens, the orbits cross, the energies aren?t right, and gravity repels them. We cross orbits for a moment in our lives, sometimes its brief, other times the encounter is more prolonged before they fly out of our lives never to be heard from again. The encounter can be good for us, bad, or indifferent, what matters is the gravities won?t attract, and eventually they leave our lives forever.

Last we come to those people who come into our lives and we have an immediate and powerful connection with them. The energies match, the gravity attracts, but for some reason our orbits don?t align exactly right. Because of that, they come into our lives, travel on similar orbits with us, and then break off for a time to follow our own way, only to come together again later. These are usually the most powerful relationships in our lives, the ones that mean the most to us, and affect us the most once they are gone. What sets these people off from the others is that they are never really gone, and we know it. The relationship is so powerful, the energies and gravity so right, that though it hurts us that they had to break away we know they will be back again. We can feel it in our soul that they are out there, doing their thing, and that they?ll be back.

?H? was one of those people in my life, like a comet, she was someone that was always there, even when she was gone, she was with me and I knew she?d be with me again. The relationship was so strong that there were times I believed if I thought hard enough, felt hard enough, I could call her back to me, and sometimes, it seemed to work. She was the little sister of a good friend, both from a family with far too much money for their own good. They were a family who showed approval and disapproval not through love, but through money. The kids rebelled against that, I guess I was part of that rebellion as she and I fought a never ending battle to stay together against her parents wishes. Eventually she went off to college and got out from under their heel a little bit, and I followed unknown to her parents. We lived together for years while she went to school, eventually got engaged and came out to her parents, who reacted as they always did, they threatened to take away her money. She couldn?t handle that, couldn?t handle being cut off from it, and once the reality was on her she blinked and instead of getting married, she asked me to leave, which I did that very day. She felt guilty about it, and for years after punished herself by going deeper and deeper into the lifestyle, becoming involved with dangerous folks. On more than one occasion I got calls from one of her family telling me she was in some kind of trouble and wanting me to go get her. One time she?d been lashed so badly that they had flaid the skin from her back and I get the call that she?s in the hospital in FL and I had to go down there and convince her to come home. And she would come, she was only waiting for me to come get her, and as soon as I did, she was content. This went on for years, until this spring, when ?H? died in a car accident and I believed that she and I had made our final orbit together.

But I was haunted, haunted by her memory I guess, haunted since the moment I found out she was dead. I couldn?t get the idea out of my head that in that last moment, she was waiting for me to come get her, and I didn?t. It may sound irrational to some, I know, but when you have had the responsibility of protecting someone, even if it?s protecting them from themselves, it?s hard to give up that responsibility and I?ve been trying to protect that girl so much, it?s almost impossible to come to grips that it?s not something I have to do anymore. I guess it?s that feeling when someone dies and you expect them to come walking through the door again. But now I?m not so sure she was gone as she had one last thing to say to me, and she said it this week.

Before we get there, we have go back a little bit further to sometime in July of this year when I received a letter from a lawyer telling me that the parents of ?H? were contesting her will and that all who were named in it had to be notified. ?That figures? I thought and as I wanted nothing to do with that scene, or those people, I promptly filed the letter in the circular file and went about my life. The last thing I needed was anything from her will, especially fighting her parents again after she?s 6 feet under. Just let it go and I did, and she still haunted me. I started chalking it up to missing what I didn?t have in my life anymore, sort of me longing for a better time in my life. Then this week I get a call from the same lawyer, who tells me her parents have lost their claim on her will, and that ?H?s? estate is now being settled. Most of the money, inherited from her parents after she graduated college, was left to groups like PETA and the ASPCA, causes she cared a lot about, and ones that both she and I know would drive her parents crazy if the money went to them, which is my guess why she left it for them in the first place. I admit, I got a chuckle at that, even in death she was still getting her digs in. He then tells me the only other person named in her will was me, I tell him I don?t want her money and he should donate it along with the rest, but he tells me she didn?t leave me money, she left me a trip to Egypt instead.

I remember the conversation as if it were yesterday, though it was over 10 years ago. We had been living together about 2 years and we were happy. Probably the happiest I?ve ever been in my life. I was sitting out on the porch smoking and though she hated that I smoked, she hated being inside when I was on the porch more and would always make her way out to sit with me while I did. We were sitting there together one night, it was late, and we both sat there in the dark talking. Out of the blue she asks me if I have anything I want to do before I die? I remember looking over at her in the dark and asking her why, are my days numbered. Nothing like that she says, but is there anywhere I want to go before I die, or anything I want to do? Like climb Mount Everest or see the Mona Lisa, or something similar, a life?s experience I?ve always wanted to do before I die. I remember thinking about it, because it was something I?d truly never thought about before, and after a while I said I wanted to touch the pyramids of Egypt. I asked her what hers was; she told me it was to go with me to Egypt to touch the pyramids. That?s just the way she was, and now she?s given it to me, from her grave.

I really don?t know how to think about this, let alone what to do about it. I?m torn in so many different direction over this thing its not even funny. I still can?t believe she?s back again, even from the grave, and that?s a bit disturbing. It has to be hands down the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done, or most likely will ever do for me in my life, and I can?t even say thank you. How crazy is that? Do I go? Can I go? Will I be haunted the whole time if I go? If I don?t go, is it an insult to her memory? Ultimately it?s her parent?s money, and I want nothing to do with it, but she?d want to piss them off and by giving some of it to me, in such an odd way, will do nothing but piss them off. If I went she?d see it as a tribute to her memory as much as she?d see pissing her parents off as a tribute to her memory. I don?t know, I really don?t, one moment I?m going to go, the next I have the phone in my hand to say no. it?s too strange, too fucked up, and too much for me now. I just don?t know.

Hunters and Predators

It?s always cool when I find that a lot of you out there get what I?m preaching. Though some of y?all may get a little tired of the soapbox, or my standing on it, it?s cool that you hear what I?m saying while I?m on it. I?m also pretty proud of the fact that many of you seem to be buying into this idea that we have to keep these places protected from those that are going to use it for their own ends. No sooner had the whore/Dom combo from last week come back online with newly written profiles, when I started getting mail from you guys telling me they were back. This time it was you that made the difference, I didn?t have to raise a finger and next thing you know, their new profiles were either hidden or deleted yet again, because some of you weren?t going to let people like them spoil this place with their game. You saw they were back, you didn?t like what they were doing out and you did something about it, I thank you for that. But don?t let up, there are still tons out here that need the same attention, as some of you have noted the recent influx of fake 22yo female subs, all with strikingly similar profiles and photos obviously downloaded from MySpace. You know who and what they are, why not let them know it?

For the rest of you that didn?t or don?t seem to get what I?m saying, or don?t want to get it because your running a game of your own out here, don?t think this will stop, regardless how much you try and flex you cyber muscles. I don?t have fear, I don?t live in fear, especially from those who try to practice that fear online. Like a hair dryer, all your threats and posturing amount to in my world is a lot of hot air, and nothing more. You have a beef with me for what I?m saying, try doing something about it instead of running your mouth, or fingers as the case may be. You know what they say about talk being cheap, and your talk is the cheapest. You want me? You want to take care of me? I?m right here, where I?ve always been, and I?m not going anywhere, so come get me. Have the courage in your convictions and either step up and take your shot, or crawl back under whatever rock you came from and shut up, because I don?t intimidate well, especially from the likes of you.

Now with that out of the way, this week I want to clarify and expand on something that I said last week, and a lot of you picked up on, but in my opinion misinterpreted my meaning. I mentioned last week that I haven?t been with a woman in about 8 months, actually its more like 9, but who?s counting. OK, don?t answer that. The point was that it was said to make the point that good things come to those with the control to wait for it to come, instead it seems many of you saw it as me trying to drum up some action for myself. Again, I do thank all those who made kindly offers of yourselves to me, but I?m thinking you?ve missed the point. It?s not about sex, but about getting what you want and need out of a relationship, the way you want it, and for the right reasons for you, or in this case, for me. Everyone has their way and their reasons for doing what they do, some see themselves as having a higher calling beyond sex, others don?t, neither is right or wrong, it?s about what works for you. In my view there are 3 types of dominants; those who are kidding themselves, those who are predators, and those who are hunters, and as a dominant, it?s best to know who you are and where you fit into that.

The fakes we all know, I?ve talked on incessantly about them from this online soapbox of mine. At best they are the ones who talk big, but once they get their partner alone they whip out a strap on and try to get their submissive to wear it and use in on them, at worst, well we all have our own stories about those people. There?s always going to be people in life and in the lifestyle that are deluding themselves about who and what they are in the world. It?s just a fact of life that we all have to learn to spot when we see it and live with once we do. So many people live their lives without any idea of who they really are, it stands to reason that they will find their way into the lifestyle with those same delusions. Believe it or not we learn about ourselves by having to deal with people like this, it solidifies who we are by having to deal with people who don?t know themselves. We see these people and how they see themselves, and we weigh ourselves against that. It?s the best way I know to keep ourselves grounded, we see ourselves in their light and for good or ill measure ourselves against that. We can?t get away from folks like this, and in the same respect we can?t do without them. They are a benchmark, all be it a benchmark on the low end of the scale, but one we need to learn from, and to learn what not to be, then gauge ourselves and our own actions by that.

Predators are a different story and one that some of you have to watch out for, as they can be far more dangerous than a fake. The predators are in it for themselves, that that?s it, that?s all. A predator doesn?t care about who they attract, as long as they get their way when they do. The predators prey on the easy targets, the weak, the newbie?s and vulnerable, just because they can, not because they connect. Old, young, big, small, married, or single, it doesn?t matter to a predator who they attract, as long as they attract someone and get their way once they do. A predator doesn?t read profiles, because they don?t care what?s in them. They don?t care what a partner wants or needs in their own life, because to a predator it?s not about you, it?s all about them. The predators are the ones where quantity means far more than quality. They are indiscriminant as to who they get, as long as they get you, they don?t want it to be hard, they don?t want to have to work at it, they just want to conquer and move on to the next conquest or to the next one to add to the stable. D/s to them is not some much about dominance as it is about making themselves feel better about being themselves, and their only gauge for that is the notch?s they put on their belts. For some submissives out here, that?s exactly what they want, they are just looking for that immediate pleasure of being used and in many cases thrown away, and if that form of humiliation is your thing, then by all means more power to you. I?d call that a match in my view, all be it a dysfunctional one, and if that works in your life, cool. But a predator doesn?t care if it works in you life or not, and that to me is the problem, especially since 9 times out of 10 the predators prey is one that really has no need for a predator in their life.

Then you have the hunter?s who are all together different beasts. A hunter knows who they are, and more importantly they know what they want and need in their life to make them whole, and actively seek that out. For a hunter the quantity does not matter, and in most cases quantity is seen by a hunter as a bad thing, sort of like shooting fish in a barrel and to a hunter there?s no fun in that. To someone who sees themselves as a hunter it?s the quality of the relationship that matters, not how many relationships on can have in a lifetime. A hunter is looking for something specific that they need in their life; they know what it is they are looking for, and they?ll pass up the easy kills to wait for it to come to them. They aren?t out to exploit people, or remake them into something they are not or to force them into situations they don?t want to be in. They are looking for a prize, they are looking for someone to compliment them, they are looking for the other side of their coin, and they aren?t going to let themselves settle for less than that. A hunter isn?t going to mow through submissives like a scythe through the wheat field hoping to find that one perfect stalk, instead they are willing to wait till they see it, and act once they do. If they find someone who doesn?t work for them, they aren?t going to exploit that person just because they can, then leave a wreck in their wake. A hunter?s going to do what?s best, for them and for you, and if what?s best means parting ways, it?s done because it?s the right thing to do in the long term, not because they get off on being mean.

As most of you can guess, I definitely see myself as a hunter. I have something specific I am looking for in this life and in this lifestyle, and I refuse to settle for less than that. If that means I have to be celibate until I find it again, I am more than willing to suffer that, without guilt or worry, because for me finding the right thing for myself, and for my partner, is everything. If I find you don?t fit into that for me, please don?t take offence or feel that it?s a failing on your part, its not, its me, and what I know I need, that?s all. I don?t do it to be mean, I do it because its better to not start something you know won?t work, than to start it for instant gratification, then leave a wreck in your wake. I need a certain person in my life, a type of person that will make me as whole as I feel I will make them when I find them, and I know that person when I see them, I know it when I speak to them, not when I get them into bed. I know that when I find the one with the physical, mental, and life situation that?s right for me, what happens in bed will fall into place without any effort on either of our parts. Don?t feel bad for me because I choose to go this route, for me it?s the only way I know how to be, it?s the only way I can be. When you?re a hunter patience is everything, I?m confident eventually mine will pay off in spades. A lot of you said to me that I deserve to find someone right for me, your right, I do deserve that., more than many people out here who have that and don?t deserve it. But I?m willing to wait for her, right here, and once she gets here then I?ll worry about making her pay for keeping me waiting so long, I?m confident she?s not going to mind the punishments??.much.

Freaks and Fakes! Oh My!

I was going to take a break from bashing on the online fools this week, I really was. My plan was to leave the freaks and fakes alone and write a piece that was anything but online or D/s related. As we?ve hit another 9/11 anniversary I figured it would be apropos to write a blog on the topic, talking a bit about my take on the situation, maybe talk a bit about where I was that day, and how it affected me, you know, sort of my own little tribute kind of thing. I was happily chugging away on it when out of the blue some of y?all have to do something that was in my view, so monstrously fucked up, that it forces me to shelve the whole thing to shine a light on the newest mess you letches have made me deal with, like Michael Corleone just when I think I?m out you pull me back in. I don?t know what pisses me off more, the fact that I had to shelve my 9/11 extravaganza or the fact that these people come to me with their weirdness, actually, now that I think about it, its probably a bit of both. A quick word to the wise before I begin, if you?re going to do screwed up things online, it?s probably not the smartest move to try to include a guy with an admitted Don Quixote streak and a regular blog, unless you?re a dog who digs having its nose stuffed in its own mess. Count yourselves lucky I can?t use names in my blog, but as always, anyone interested in names can feel free to contact me and I?ll be happy to share.

I?ve been actively trying to keep my distance from some of the online D/s sites, lately they?ve been doing nothing but piss me off and I?ve been thinking it best to take a break, do my thing, and allow others to do theirs, for good or ill. Course that being said I still post my blogs, I still get comments, and I do read them, and respond. Call it vanity, I don?t know. So one day I log in to check my mail and one of the posts happens to be from a male dominant. Now whenever I get mail from another male, Dom or sub, the reaction is always the same, I?m sure its probably the same reaction women get when they receive an e-mail from most of the Dom?s out here, a heavily sarcastic, ?Oh Great. What Now?? You never know what the e-mail is going to be about, but you know that most likely it?s not going to be good. It?s either a fag trolling the straights for new meat, or a half fag who doesn?t realize he?s doing the same, or its some cyber tough guy looking to bust my balls, or flex his cyber muscles or whatever they need to do to get to sleep at night. Whatever their reason for contacting me, 9 times out of 10 its not good, so there?s always a natural trepidation when I get one. I open this one, from a 39 yo black male dominant from Minnie Apple, Minnesota who wrote me this:

"Hello, I have a slave near you in the Worcester area available to rent for whatever you wish. Her name is sxxx4xxxx2007 (name strategically altered by me), if she interests you, get back to me.?

I read this, and my first reaction is to take complete offence, I mean I?m not a pretty boy, but I?m not hard up either, and no where near the point where I have to pay for sex. It?s degrading enough for me to be single, even if that single is a self imposed one. You don?t go 8 months without sex, when it?s being offered to you freely, if you don?t have a higher cause your working on. I work on the creed that if you can?t control yourself, how can you possibly believe you can control anyone else. This goes for sexual urges as well. I?d rather go without sex than have it regularly with people I don?t give a crap about, or people I do care about but know I?ll hurt if I push the sex. In that light, for me to even think of paying anyone for sex, or for anyone to think that I would, well it?s the ultimate insult to me, and one I can?t ignore, so I send this in response:

"My thanks for the offer, but I have no need to rent. If she wishes a session all she has to but ask. But to pay, no, that is not my need, or my way. Be well

Salo"

I know it wasn?t much, but it was short, sweet, and to the point, which is all it had to be. I find no interest in antagonizing these people person to person, they never learn and all you get for your trouble is temper tantrum crying in response. A far better way to deal with them is to take the higher road, let them know you?re above them, let them know you have no interest in bringing yourself down to their level, wish them a good day, then flag the e-mail, send it off for judgment by the Collarme gods, and then bash them in public in a blog. Don?t get drawn into a prolonged e-mail exchange because that?s what they want, instead, put yourself so far above them that even e-mail exchange with them is distasteful to you. Treat them as children, because that?s what they are.

After that it was time to concern myself with the female half of this equation, a far trickier nut to crack as she did not contact me and may not have any idea this guy is going and doing this. On the other hand, the situation where some dumb female submissive has allowed some stupid male dominant to pimp her out online is not at all beyond the realm of online possibility. When feeling a situation like this out, you can?t go in with the rose colored glasses on, or with the blinders on either. You do what you have to do, which is to inform this woman of what?s going on, let her know it?s not your thing, and let her know you feel it would be very disappointing if it?s a situation she has allowed herself to become involved with. You can not be mean in case she doesn?t know its going on, you can?t be a sucker if it is going on and you always have to remain above it.

The first step is to read the profile, you can learn a lot by reading between the lines in a person?s profile. What a person says, and how they say it can tell an observant person far more than the writer intends, an observant person can read a photograph finding hidden facts in them and use those facts to find this person?s level of honesty. After reading her profile a few things struck me right off, first that I recognized the photo from somewhere, it was not a profile I had viewed before, but I had seen the person in the photo before. The next thing that struck me was that the profile was very simple, too simple. So much was intentionally left out that it gave me the vibe that someone was trying to hide something, what I at that point had no idea, but I trust these vibes. Even so I still had to contact the woman and let her know, she may not have a clue what?s going on even with all my paranoid suspicions. Instead I needed to use those suspicions in my e-mail, and give her enough motivation and information to either hang herself in her response, or exonerate herself in it, so I wrote:

?G'afternoon,

A Dominant on this site has just offered to rent you to me. As I have no need to rent slaves, or have any reason to demean myself by doing so, I have cordially declined his request. If she has interest in speaking with One who is 45 min away from her, as opposed to half way across the country playing online, she may e-mail me as she likes. If not, I do understand. If she does not know some online dominant is peddling her ass, now she knows and if she would like the name, it can be provided.

Be well

Salo?

Just enough to antagonize a response and gauge that response vs what I know, put the ball in her court and see what she does with it. It was about this time I told a friend about the whole scene, and she took a look at the profile and pointed out that the photo reminded her of one in a profile that had recently appeared on the Massachusetts rolls, then just as suddenly disappeared, it was advertising a submissive for hire, and she had assumed it had been canceled by the Collarme gods, hence the quick disappearance. And she was right, I had seen the same profile, and it was the same woman; the haze starts to clear. But of course we have to wait to see if I get a response, and of course, I did.

?OMG what are  you talking about? please show me or send me what this man has wrote you  and who he is ty?

OK so I?m being played like a sucker, I see it, I know it, and what?s so sad is its for real. Or at least the person/people are playing it out like it?s for real. But in knowing this gives me the power of underestimation, that?s a power I know well, and a power I will take any day. So now what do you do? Do you call her on the bullshit? Or do you let it play out and see where it goes. Of course you have to play it out and see what happens, that?s where all the fun lies. So take the high road again, play it dumb and see what happens, I wrote back:

?I apologize for not getting back to you sooner; I?ve been at work since 4pm and just got home. I was not sure if She is involved with this guy or not, but thought it best she knew. I received an e-mail on collarme from a dominant named DxAxxR. the e-mails content as follows:

"Hello, I have a slave near you in the Worcester area available for rent for whatever you wish. Her name is slave4ever, if she interests you, get back to me."

My response to him:

"my thanks for the offer, but i have no need to rent. if she wishes a session all she has to but ask. But to pay? No, that is not my need, or my way. Be well

Salo"

after that I sent my e-mail to you.

If this guy is not real to you or someone in your life, and you want his e-mail to me reported to Collarme, all you have to do is ask. There is nothing I hate more than online players. But I leave that choice to you. If it's been unknown to you that this is going on, I make an apology for all of us out here who live the lifestyle, and hate this online games people play. People don't deserve this. In spite of what?s happened I hope this finds you well, and I hope my heads up to you helps.

Salo?

Always take the high road, it never fails, 2 days later the profile was gone, deleted completely.

And that is how one handles that. I?ve spoken at length about the ills of this online BS, I?ve spoken about policing our spaces ourselves, and this is an example of what I?m talking about. People like this kill the experience for everyone; people like this are what bring good site down if we let them pull this stuff off. I?ll be the first to admit that the whole online can get old, can get tired, can be depressing and frustrating as hell. But that?s life, that?s what you get with an open and free community. You?re always going to run into people you don?t agree with and you?re going to have to deal with them, and their problems. What you can?t do is let them destroy that open and free community for their own shallow aims. The people of Collarme and some other D/s sites have done a pretty good job of creating a site that?s fairly cool, fair, free, and a site that basically works well. People who come to our sites to pull this crap have the potential to close these sites if they get busted doing what they are doing on the site. Do we really want to lose these places because of people who feel the need to pimp themselves out to the community or Pedo?s trolling for kids? Come on, rise above that. Show some control. Not that long ago all the Yahoo user rooms were closed down and they were never reopened. Now Yahoo was never great, but it was better when you had the user rooms you could go to. Know why they were closed? Cause the Gorian?s were holding online slave auctions regularly in one of the user rooms, the cops caught wind and next thing you know, ?poof? no more user rooms for anyone. I know these online sites aren?t much, they aren?t great and we?d all be much happier if we had a place where we could congregate together easily. Unfortunately most people don?t have those places or we wouldn?t be here, and as we are here we might as well protect these places from people like this, because if we don?t, ?poof? we aren?t going to have these places either.

Out of Control

I have to admit, I?m much happier with my second attempt at story telling than my first. A lot of you were right in that it was going to be a 3 part story, but I got on a roll and decided to release parts 2 and 3 together. It was a bit longer read than usual, but after the screaming protests I got after writing part one I was well reminded of what happens when one leaves a woman hanging once she has the ? I want?. Shame on you all, so impatient, some of you?re Sir?s and Miss?s need to, or should have, spent more time on the subject with you. And yes, you?re correct; I can be a bit of a tease too. So with that bit of ribbing out of the way I give my thanks to all that invested the time to read it. Truth is I got on a roll and couldn?t bring myself to separate the two, an artist?s pride I guess but it?s those moments of sureness that make any art worth while. I got a lot of good feedback, and I?m glad I made some people smile with my tale of adolescent D/s blundering innocence. Yes, it is a true story and yes its my story, I?m a firm believer in the idea that reality is always stranger than any fiction and I thought it might be a refreshing change compared against many of you?re horror stories of learning experiences online. You should always be able to look back at your progression through the D/s life and find the parts that make you smile, if you can?t do that, you?re missing out on the point.

This week started out as a lesson in frustration for me, one of those weeks where everyone I dealt with and everything I touched made me feel let down. Online people just disappointing as always, doing whatever they think they are doing without any idea of what it is they are doing and instead doing more damage than anything else. Real life people so focused on themselves that they can?t see anything beyond their own petty desires. It was one of those weeks that cause you to question yourself, question why I bother to come online with all the other damaged souls, when almost every day there makes you feel worse about yourself than you did before. I must have started 5 different journal entries this week, only to stop each one halfway through because they were so negative that they would have caused more harm than good had I continued to write them. It took a conscious effort to cut through the veil of doom and find a blog topic that wasn?t dripping with negativity, but life provides and inspiration blooms in the oddest places.

It came to me one morning as I sat on the beach resting after an early morning surfing session. I?d gone out about 5am in the hopes that I would miss the Labor Day beach crowd, and found I had the beach to myself for an hour and a half of peaceful bliss. By 6:30 the sun was in full rise and I opted out of the water to the beach to rest and enjoy the show, when my peace was disturbed by a screaming laugh that echoed down the surf. The screaming laugh was soon followed by a 20 something girl running fully clothed toward the surf, followed closely by a 20 something boy, who was begging her to slow down.

The girl hit the surf and dove head long into the ocean, redoubling her screams as she emerged from under the water and came to the realization that the water was far colder than if first appeared. The boy stopped at the surf and started trying to coax the now obviously drunk girl onto shore. Problem was, she wasn?t having any of it, and instead chose to sit there in the surf, screaming her head off at 6:30 in the am. Finally the boy had no choice and had to go in after her, which of course caused the girl to flee, forcing him to follow her deeper into the ocean, half laughing, half screaming, and obviously with no idea what she was doing. That?s when I recognized it, a complete melt down, total loss of control at its finest. It took the kid almost an hour to finally wrestle the girl out of the water and onto the shore, by that time the girl had degenerated into a slobbering, shaking mess. In truth I think the only reason he was able to pull that off was because the cold had knocked the strength out of her far more than it had sobered her up. She was still in meltdown as he lead her back to the seawall and to whatever awaited her next.

All of us in the lifestyle are comfortably familiar with the idea of control, or at least we should be, some out there, well, you know. Anyway for many it?s the only reason they are here, it?s their end all and be all, the idea of the give, and take of control, is what draws most people into the lifestyle and feeds their passion for it. We give ourselves roles and titles to facilitate the idea of control; we create games to reinforce who holds that control and who gives it away. But we never seem to speak about the loss of control, and the power behind it, the total giving into a moment, rather than a person. The give and take of control is a powerful thing, but its nothing compared to the power in the loss of control, when instinct and impulse hold the reigns.

I?ve always found it unfortunate that the easiest means for a person to facilitate a loss of control is through the use of drugs or alcohol. It makes sense of course, every day of our lives we strive to keep some kind of control over ourselves and our lives. That need to keep control is ingrained in our DNA as our natural fear instinct that keeps our ears perked for danger, even when we don?t realize it. It stands to reason that the true loss of control over ones self would scare a person to their bones, literally. When you see someone out of control we feel sorry for them for being an out of control drunk, we fear for ourselves that we might get caught up in their drama, but we also sit back and watch it play out. Like passing a wreck on the highway, we can?t take our eyes off it. Part of this is our fear instinct again, alerting us of potential danger, but I?m positive that part of us is drawn to the power of it, to the passion of it. There?s sexuality in watching someone lose control, perhaps it?s the pure aggressive nature of man out of control, or the vulnerability of a woman out of control, perhaps it?s the passion, whatever the reason, it can?t but stir the soul.

I remember a party during my college days, a typical art school after term party. It had been well attended, so much so that many in the class who never toured the party circuit came out to play. A good time was had by all, but inevitably the beer had to die, and the party end, leaving a small core group of 4 or 5 people to rehash the night?s events. I remember us all sitting around talking about the people who had showed, and how weird it was to see him, or how we couldn?t believe that she came out of her hole. Someone went to use the bathroom and came right back asking for the key because the door was locked. After a few knocks we figured that someone was being a party poop and locked the door before leaving, so we went about MaGyvering up a key to open it. Soon the locked clicked open and we pushed on the door, only to have it abruptly come to a stop, blocked by something on the other side. Eyes went immediately wide and we all looked at each other, each knowing there was a body on the other side of the door, and though we did not want to know what kind of condition the body was in, we had to open the door to find out. We figured a drunk who had passed out, probably after throwing up all over the bathroom before he did, at worst we thought someone had died and we were going to be wrapped up in some drama. What we found was so far beyond expectation that once we could speak again, all anyone could say was ?HOLY SHIT!? over and over. On the floor of the bathroom was the female jewel of our class, she was pretty, the teacher?s had all loved her, her focus was rock solid, she was the one all expected to succeed. She was nude, on the floor, covered in her own poo. She was literally rolling in it, she had smeared it all over herself, all over the walls, all over the floor, and as they say, like a pig in shit, she was in her glory. I to this day have no idea what really happened to the girl, my own opinion is that somewhere, some how, either voluntarily or with a little help, she had gotten a hold of some hallucinogen. Either that of she just had a twist in her that no one ever figured on, but whatever it was she was out of her mind, completely out of control. Now, I?ve never found scat sexual, I?ve never practiced it, and have never ever had the urge to try, it?s never been an act I?ve ever give a second thought to, before or since. But it?s also one of the strongest, dirtiest sexual images I have ever seen in my life. It was complete loss of sexual control, totally giving into the moment, totally giving into the feeling, with zero regards of the humiliation of it all. It?s one of those scenes that will be burned into my memory until the end of time, that?s a pretty powerful thing.

We all speak about control here, we all believe in the power of it, we all long for it, but when we boil it down to its basics, all we are really doing is playing at it, playing our own interpretations and creations of control games to give ourselves a kick in the ass and a feeling that we have some kind of power over this world, even if it?s just a creation in our mind. What I think we all should be looking for, isn?t so much someone who wants to give control to us, or someone who wants us to take it. Instead we should be looking for someone that we can lose control with, someone we can live in that moment with, someone we can share that uncontrolled passion with. We should live for those moments when we come out of that daze, look around the room and ask each other, ?What did we just do?? We can all wear our labels, and play our roles, we can play old guard as a lifestyle, or new school, or any of the hundreds of options in-between. We all look for that lover whose eyes roll back and their head starts spinning like Linda Blair in the sack, in the end, all we are really looking for is someone we can lose control with. 

A Walk in the Woods ? part 2

 He wished he could just focus for a second, but the thoughts were starting to come and go without his ability to control them. One moment he was thinking how green the woods is, the next he?s horrified at the fact that in this life and death situation he?s thinking how green the woods are, the moment after that he was dwelling on what he did to get him here.

?I should have told her no.? he thought, ?This situation would be a whole lot easier to deal with if my head was on straight.?

He saw himself walking up to the house that morning, before he broke the tree line of the woods he could hear the music she was blasting inside and knew she?d somehow found the key to her father?s stereo cabinet. So with the Dance Hall Crashers accompanying him he made his way out of the woods, past the pool and up the deck to the sliding glass door at the back of the house that lead to their family room. He saw her right away through the window of the door, dressed in her black army fatigue cut offs, blue low top converse all stars and what oddly looked like one of his missing skateboard t shirts. She was dancing up a storm, her long hair, dyed so darkly purple that you?d think it black, flying all over the place even though it was restrained in a pony tail. He waited there watching her dance through the window of the slider and waiting for her to realize he was there, but she was so engrossed in her moment that she gave him a 5 minute show before he became impatient and opened the door himself, stuck his head in and said, ?Nice shirt.?

?HEY BABY!? she yelled over the music, ?What took you so long? Yea I like the shirt, not sure where I got it.?

She gave him her innocent smile and started to run at him then promptly tripped over a body pillow that was lying on the floor and fell flat on her face, laughing all the way to the ground. He helped her up, taking a long look at her as the laughing fit passed and she gave him a kiss.

?What?s up with you?? he questioned, ?What did you do??

?What?? she answered innocently, ?You?re too suspicious, you need to loosen up.?

?No, I know you too well.? he came back, ?and the only time I?ve ever seen you fall like that is when you?re messed. What gives, happy hour start early??

?Noooooooo,? she said with a sly look in her eye, ?we aren?t drinking today its too beautiful outside. Mushrooms! It?s my surprise; I?ve been saving them since we went to Albany for beautiful day like today and here it is,  a beautiful day. So you better hurry up and eat yours or I?m going to leave you behind.? And with that she went over and picked up a baggie off the coffee table and held it in front of his face. ?PBJ?? she asked.

?Here we go.? He thought to himself feeling a bit put off by the change in his day?s plan. He hadn?t planned on doing mushrooms today; it was something he usually had to get into the right mindset for before doing. But he thought,?She?s right it is a beautiful day out, we don?t have anywhere to go, and no one?s going to be here all day.? With that bit of rationalization out of the way he turned, gave her a kiss and said, ?Why not. Your right it is a beautiful day out and now that you mention it I am feeling a bit peckish. Just Peanut Butter though, no jelly?

?I should have known,? she teased as she moved toward the kitchen, ?anyone who likes vanilla ice cream isn?t going to want jelly on his sandwich.?

?Can?t have the exotic without a standard to measure it by babe.? he teased back, ?Can I help it if I?m a standard??

She rolled her eyes at him and went to the cupboard as he sat at the table and watched her sing to the music and make the sandwich for him. A Peanut Butter and psilocybin sandwich by no means was his favorite snack choice, but a far better option than manning them without a chaser. Finished her task she turned and gave him the sandwich then went to her knees on the floor in front of him, watching as he ate. Once he finished she looked up and asked innocently, ?So what do you want to do now??

Looking down at her on the floor in front of him, he smiled not so innocently and said, ?I think I can come up with an idea or two that will keep you entertained.?

A looming mass slowly came into view in front of him bringing him back around into reality again. The wrought iron fence had been protecting the cemetery for over 100 years, a combination of an imposing height of 7 feet and hundreds of spikes set along its top insuring it did its job well. He had spent the last year learning the moves it would take to climb it, most nights they were learned in the dark, but he?d never done it at speed. He?d thought about it, as anyone who makes a habit of sneaking into their lover?s room in the dead of night thinks about what will happen when they get caught doing the sneaking. But he had never tried the act, preferring to stick to the fantasy image of himself gymnastically vaulting over the fence to the possible outcomes of making the attempt in reality. But with the reality of having to do it now, unpracticed, while being chased by a pissed off dad with a gun, the irony was not lost to him as he ran at the fence at speed.

He aimed for one of the larger anchor posts that were spaced at 10 foot intervals in the fence. He kept his speed as he approached it and at the right distance he jumped at it full force, putting his right foot forward. His foot caught an ornamental ring on the anchor pole with a crash and as soon as he caught it he pushed up, propelling his body up until he could grab the spike that was at the top of the pole with both hands. Making sure he had a good grip he pulled up with his arms as his legs ran up the pole searching for other rings to use as leverage. This got him halfway, the last and most dangerous move would have to be all momentum; he pulled up with both arms as he pushed off with both feet, and using the top spike as a pivot point he swung himself to the poles right, vaulting both legs over the pole at the same time as he did. Praying he had enough momentum for his upper body to clear the spikes he let go with his hands and immediately felt a sharp pain as his chest was raked across the top of two of the spikes as he went over them. He fell 7 feet to the ground landing unceremoniously in a heap on the opposite side of the fence with his wind knocked out of him.

?Quiet. Did you hear that?? he asked very concerned.

?Was that a door upstairs?? she asked far more concerned than him.

Voices upstairs, footfalls on the ceiling, another closing door, footfalls going up to the second floor, they heard them all and they both sat frozen in position like deer caught in headlights, not believing their luck.

?Where?s your pants?? she whispered, a tinge of fear apparent in her voice.

?Over there on the floor,? he answered the fear now apparent in his voice, ?but that?s the least of our worries right now, the rest of our stuff is laid out in a trail from the kitchen to here and I don?t know if you looked at yourself, but my pants aren?t our biggest problem.?

They had worked their way from the kitchen down to the basement where her parents had installed their hot tub, shedding clothing at intervals along the way as they went, the last bits being his pants and underwear which were the only articles of clothing in the room, now strewn on the tile floor. He had been sitting in front of her on the edge of the hot tub, a leash trailing from his hand to a collar that was around her neck. She was facing him kneeling between his legs on one of the seats in the tub; a pair of wrist shackles locked with a lock kept her arms together behind her. He had been using a very low grip on the leash so he could keep her close to do her business between his legs as he used the slack end of the leash to spank her bottom as she was doing it, a ball gag hung around her neck like a necklace.

?Quick, get your pants before??.?

?WHY IS SOMEONE?S SHIRT ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR??

The question came from above as they both froze, faces turned upward as if the words were spoken by the gods, their eyes tracking the sound of steps on the ceiling as they made their way to the basement door.

?Sweetie we?re home, are you down there? Why is your shirt on the kitchen floor and why?s your pants?????? IVY ANNE WHAT?S GOING ON DOWN THERE!??

The rapid thumping of feet down the stairs spurred both back to action, but with seconds to act, there wasn?t a lot they could accomplish. As the figure of her mother emerged through the door and looked on the scene everyone in the room froze. The mother just inside the door, her eyes wide with shock, her jaw agape, the boy, nude, in mid step toward his pants that were laying on the floor, the girl still shackled from behind kneeling at the edge of the tub, collar and ball gag hanging around her neck as the leash trailed to the floor.

It was the girl who came to her senses first, pleading in desperation, ?Mom PLEASE, just be quiet and go upstairs, don?t say anything now, if dad comes down here he?s going to freak. I?ll get him out of here then you can yell all you want. Please just go upstairs.?

?Ivy. How could you? What are you?......... Ivy. I just???? the mother said in shock.

?I?m sorry mom; you were supposed to be gone. You weren?t supposed to be here today. I don?t know what else to say. I?m sorry. But please go upstairs before dad comes down. PLEASE.? the girl continued to plead.

The boy, now out of the spotlight for the moment, got to his pants.

?Ivy its 5 o?clock in the afternoon, what have you two been doing all day? Don?t tell me??.. Oh Ivy how could you? Your father is going to hit the roof.? the mother responded her disappointment growing.

Then silence as the two women looked at each other, mother and daughter wrapped in a psychological struggle the boy could never understand. The tension building with each second as mother and daughter stared at each other and the boy stuffed his underwear in his pocket. The girl made an attempt to stand but with her arms bound behind her the boy had to rush over to help her to her feet when?? PLOP!

The dildo, which the boy had 10 minutes earlier been making the girl hold inside of her, finally slipped out of the death grip she had on it and fell to the floor, bouncing off the rim of the hot tub as it fell and landing on the tile floor in a strange, cinematic slide in the mothers direction. The effect was not unlike the clock striking high noon in a cowboy western showdown as the three acted in unison.

?MMMMAAAAARRRRKKKK!!!!!!? the mother screamed and ran from the room.

?RUN! JUST GO! I CAN GET MYSELF OUT OF THIS! GO BEFORE MY DAD COMES!? the girl yelled as the boy attempted to release her from her bonds.

?But Ivy I?m not?..? the boy started.

?GO!? she screamed, punctuated by heavy footfalls coming from above. The boy didn?t need it said again and took flight knowing the girl had the key to the lock and thanking the gods her mother hadn?t walked in when he was making her earn it.

KRASH!!!

The noise and the rocking of the fence brought the boy around again as the he realized the man had finally reached the fence. He looked to his left and could see hands grasping the fence and feet attempting to make the climb. The boy?s chest was bleeding, 2 gashes evenly spaced 5 inches apart ran at a diagonal about 6 inches in length. The boy got to his feet as the man got up on the fence and tried to hoist a leg over and the boy smiled realizing the man was making the same mistake he had made on his first attempt over the fence. The man realized his mistake too late as he moved his weight over the fence, his manhood dangling dangerously over the spikes, the foot he had put over the fence searching for a foot hold to get the rest of the body over and finding none, stuck in a very dangerous vault halfway over the fence.

The boy moved toward the car he could now see parked on the cemetery road about 200 yards away. He half ran, half jogged between the rows of headstones looking over his shoulder now and again to be sure his hunter was still stuck. He considered himself home free until he looked back to his car and saw the familiar shape of her mother?s car now turning into the cemetery from the street. His heart sank as he realized the jig was up, she would make it to his car long before his feet got him there. He slowed to a walk, now determined to just walk past the woman get into his car and go, dead set on removing himself from the immediate situation and leaving it to deal with at another time he was sure would come. The car slowed to a halt next to his own, and the girl got out and ran to him. She was now dressed in her shorts and his shirt, she was barefoot and all the instruments of bondage now removed.

?My God you?re bleeding, baby are you ok? Where is he?? she asked him as she half looked at his injury, half looked over his shoulder for her father.

?He?s back there caught up on the fence he?s not going anywhere, but what the hell are you doing here. You got to get out of here too.? he warned her.

?Where am I going to go? We?re in enough trouble as it is, its not going to make a difference now if I took her car on top of it all, I?m off to a convent anyway, why not make it for a good reason?? she replied smiling, ?and someone had to call him off of you, my mom?s busy on the phone calling yours.?

?Great,? he responded, ?I figured that was coming but I hoped I?d avoid it until I got out of the hospital.?

?Is it that bad?? she asked him, ?I?m so sorry this all happed.?

?Don?t worry about it. Its my fault as much a yours, we both lost track of the time and my chest isn?t nearly as bad as that dildo falling out of you in front of your mother. Now that?s bad.? he teased.

?Oh god, don?t remind me, I?m going to have nightmares about that for the rest of my life.? she said as she walked with him toward his car, ?You and that dildo.?

?Yea, but it?s your dildo.? he reminded her as he open the door.

?So what now?? she asked him.

?You take your medicine and I take mine I guess we hope we can see each other again by the time we?re 30.? he responded and kissed her softly on the lips.

?We?ll be fine,? she told him, ?I?ll call you when I can. Now get out of here and go to the hospital, I have to get my dad off that fence before he kills himself.? She kissed him again, stepped back and watched as he drove off to his fate and she turned to her?s.

True story.

A Walk in the Woods ? part 1

The boy was beginning to wonder how far he could keep running. The rubbery feeling that was creeping into his legs that made him start to think it wasn?t going to be much farther if he kept this pace. His head was swimming, his mind racing from tangent to tangent unable to focus on one thought. The footfalls behind him were out of earshot now, but if the person they belonged to had stopped, changed direction or had just fallen behind he had no clue. He?d been running through the forest at top speed for the last 10 minutes, following a path of least resistance more than an actual path through the woods. He thanked god it was still spring and the scrub hadn?t grown in yet; it made his exodus much easier than it should have been, but he had already paid for his trailblazing with several welts across his chest and face from branches he had run through.

?Jesus Christ?, he thought, ?How had today gone so wrong? One minute I?m king of the world, the next I?m running through the woods half nude being chased by a nut with a gun. I swear I can?t catch a break for the life of me. Today was supposed to be fun, a good time. We weren?t even supposed to be here today, had I stuck to the original plan we?d be miles away from this place, drinking beer, hanging out, and definitely not running for my life. And where the hell did they come from anyway? I thought she said they were going to be gone for the day. What the fuck is that all about? Well can?t really blame her, she?s in her own bit of hell right now, unfortunately she?s going to have to deal with it on her own, me, I just have to get out of here. Where the fuck did he go??

He chanced it and took a quick look back over his right shoulder, then his left, and saw no one behind him. For the first time since the shit hit the fan he started to entertain the possibility that he may actually make it out of this thing in one piece. Even so he kept running, not ready to put his trust in this day?s luck. He began to worry he may be running in the wrong direction and considered looking for the proper trail he knew was somewhere to his left, but decided against it. Better to just keep moving in this direction, and he?d get to the cemetery fence soon enough, on the path or not. Once he was over the fence he could slow down and figure out where he was in relationship to where he parked the car.

?How many times in the past year have I made this walk through the woods in the middle of the night?? he thought, ?I can walk that path and find my way to her bedroom without any light, I ought to be able to find my way back in the middle of the day. Those days are over now I guess. We were pushing it anyway; we were bound to get busted eventually. FUCK! This sucks. Don?t think about it now. Just keep going and get out of here, worry about the rest later.?

But his head wouldn?t or couldn?t let it go and he found himself playing the days events over in his mind. It was a beautiful spring day, the first warm weekend of the season. The day before the plan had been to get together with the usual suspects and spend the day on the lake, but that morning he woke to a phone ringing and a familiar ?Good Morning Sunshine? on the line.

?My parents just told me they are going to a wedding today for someone from my dad?s shop and Ron?s going to the lake with Sandy. Why don?t we just hang out here instead of going to the lake? I have a surprise I want to share with you today.? She was playing with him and he knew it, but decided regardless of her game, whatever surprise she had in mind he?d be the one to benefit from it and that was a far better plan than hanging out on the lake.

?When are they getting back?? he asked while doing a little victory/happy dance, ?Last thing I want to do today is hang out with your parents.?

?Don?t worry stud,? she responded, ?the weddings down in CT they aren?t going to be back till tonight. No one?s going to interrupt you. Think you can figure out something to do with your time??

?I think I?ll be able to manage.? he responded to her teasing in a tone that he turned slightly serious, ?When are they leaving? 

?In about a half hour, if you hop into the shower and get dressed, by the time you?re done they?ll be gone. Park at the cemetery though, just in case they come home early they won?t see your car here.? And with that tidbit of advice/foreshadowing they said their goodbyes and both went about starting their day.

A sharp pain across his arm quickly brought his head back into reality. He looked down at the arm to see a bleeding cut about 3 inches long across his bicep. ?Great. Pricker?s.? he thought, ?Just what I needed right now. Where the fuck is the fence, and where the fuck did he go?? He slowed down a step to look over his right shoulder, and he got his answer.? BOOM!

?SHIT!? he yelled as the pine branch that had been over his head disintegrated into a shower of pine needles and broken bits of wood. He wheeled to his left in the direction of the noise and caught sight of his Ahab a stones throw behind him and to his left. The guy had doubled to the left and picked up the trail and was now following him unobstructed up it. He came out of his haze, turned and ran forward redoubling his effort to get to the cemetery fence, only to hear a second blast from the gun followed closely by something that sounded like a handful of pebbles had been thrown where he had been only a moment ago. ?Birdshot? he thought, ?Well least it?s not buckshot. Just be glad it?s a shotgun and he can?t shoot while he?s running. Where the fuck is that fence?? It all came down to the fence now, everything hinged on making it there first. He had just realized that his car was parked on the road, far to the right of the trail. If he could make it to the fence first and get over it without a problem, he would be closer to his car than Ahab. Get to the fence first, get to the car first, hopefully with enough time to make a getaway without getting shot.

To be continued???.

A Good Weekend

So it?s been quite the busy week this week, hence the belated blog entry. I?d planned on this weekend being a quiet one, but you know what they say happens even to the best laid plans. Not that I?m complaining mind you, it?s been an enjoyable, and profitable change of plans, just unexpected. When I see my progression through life I see it like I?m in a rowboat paddling down a river. I?m doing most of the work under my own power, I have to row to get where I?m going, steer myself to me sure I?ll get there. Most of the time you have to do this work yourself, you stop rowing, you stop going forward in life, you stop steering you end up stuck in the weeds. But every once in a while you hit a set of rapids and BOOM your off. No rowing needed now, all you can do is steer and hope you?ve got enough skill, and luck to avoid the big rocks. The last few days have been like that, a seamless rush from one thing to the next, from one bit of weirdness to the next and oddly, none of it bad. I think that?s why it?s so odd to me; I think I made it out of the rapids without hitting a rock.

My weekend started early after getting a call on Thursday morning from my boss telling me he?s running off to ME for a long weekend, which means 2 unplanned days off for me, with no pay. With that cheery thought on my brain I wished my boss a good vacation with a well place one fingered salute and sat down to brood on the drawbacks of working freelance. Deciding to go to my backup plan when I have unscheduled work days, which boils down to sending out a blanket e-mail CCing every photographer I?ve worked with letting them know I?m free if anyone has work. It doesn?t always work, but often enough that it?s worth doing, and sure enough soon after sending I start getting responses.

Now choosing what job to take and from who can be a difficult decision making process, you have to take into account what the job is, what it pays, and most importantly, who?s doing the paying. Some photographers are notoriously cheap and you have to deal with some who ?forget? to pay at the end of the day, or ones that try to hang expenses like gas and food on their assistants. So it was with a bit of trepidation that I opened my mail server and looked at my mail. After trashing the first 2 as they both contained the word ?wedding? somewhere within their content and moved on. The next message was from a photographer I?ve worked with a couple times based out of Newton MA who was on his way out the door to a gig when he got my mail, and if I could move quickly he could use the help. The job? Photographing some guy?s classic car collection, now how can you beat that? I made a quick call, did a bit of money haggling and was in the process of printing out my invoice for the job when I got another message, this one from my good friend in the lifestyle and out, Miss N.

N is one of those people that I?ve known and been friends with forever. We?re from the same hometown, went to the same schools, we were into the same things, art, punk scene, D/S so friendship was inevitable. It?s never gone beyond that, as N has been lesbian since I?ve known her, but she?s one of the few people who I?ve known for a long time and never lost contact with, that?s a rarity in my life. The only women I?ve known longer are family, and in truth I?ve known N and her brother long enough to consider them both family anyway. So after years of each of us doing our own thing, it was weird when 6 years ago we found ourselves living in the same state again, only an hours drive from each other. So I could not help but check to see what N had to say before I headed out for the day. Her message was to remind me that she was throwing a co ed lifestyle party this weekend in lew of the fair, and was expecting an appearance by me. Then she suggested that I may want to think abut coming with camera equip and setting up a portrait studio and charge a fee to shoot portraits for those who may be interested. Knowing N?s affairs tend to be fashion based it was a good bet people would want photographs of their outfits, so I figured to give it a shot. Those of you who have been to the Boston fair know what I?m talking about. So with that, I sent her a response that I?d think about it and I?d call her on Friday to talk more and I went off to shoot some rich guys cars, which was a blast, and a blessing as it stretched to a 2 day shoot.

Come to Saturday morning and I head over to N?S early to set up my portrait space and help with party prep. N?s place is an interesting space. He owns her own home on the seacoast of NH, and she?s spent a lot of time and money renovating it, including converting her basement into a D/S playground. It?s a great space, and a great place to have lifestyle get togethers. There?s always an eclectic mix at her co ed parties, she has a great way of mixing the people she invites to create a great atmosphere of oddness and this party was no exception. I?m not going to bother going into details you can use your imagination, but needless to say, a good time was had by all and by 4am when I left happy and with my pockets full of cash, her party was still going strong.

So the weekend went from a financial disaster to a far more profitable and fun weekend than I would have ever expected, who can ask for more than that? For those I met for the first time, it was good to meet you all, and hope our paths cross again sometime in the future, to those that were interested in more photography, you know where to get in touch with me and for those who weren?t there, you missed a really good time.     

Treat a Dog like a Dog

This week I?ve been thinking a lot about submission in all its forms. Specifically the types and forms of submission that do it for me, then looking on them and trying to figure out why they do it for me. What is it in this type of person, or in that certain form of submission that simultaneously both boils my blood and satisfies my soul to the point that I shun other forms of relationship for this? It?s a subject I?ll admit I?ve already thought through and come to grips with a long time ago, but times change and people change and I?m curious if in fact times have changed and the lifestyle has changed and perhaps I haven?t changed with it.

What started me on this train of though was a conclusion I came to earlier this week as I was online shagging e-mails, that a lot of people online, really have no clue what dominance or submission are all about, let alone know anything about the D/S lifestyle. Hell there are some people out there professing they are actively involved in the lifestyle, and I for the life of me can?t figure out why because they seem to detest everything involved with it. They say they are ?natural?, natural submissives, natural dominants, but they show absolutely none of these traits. In their profiles, in e-mails, in chat, they never seem to show any of the traits that I?ve known as indicators that this person is dominant or submissive. What I have noticed is many ?submissives? displaying more dominant tendencies than many of the ?dominants?. My thinking is many of them are more into shining on attitude, teasing and playing games, than they are interested in exploring their submission and the D/S life. This goes the same for some of the dominants I?ve spoken to whose experience leans more toward downloading D/S porn than any practical reality based D/S experience.

Pretty jaded huh? Yea I thought so too and therein lays the problem. Has the online experience jaded me to the point of no return? Has it driven me to unrealistic expectations? Is the online experience even the problem or is it just me? Has the online experience changed the lifestyle and the expectations have gone along with? Perhaps it?s a new world going on out there that has passed me by.  Seems something has changed somewhere, because there is almost no respect anymore, on the Dom and the sub side of the coin. Worse yet when you show respect to someone it?s now seen as a weakness, and when you demand respect from someone now it becomes a game, and when you walk away you?re just a jerk. Or is that just how the lifestyle has evolved now? Has a D/S session been boiled down to play rape role play that leans more toward the rape than the play? Has a 24/7 live in situation now evolved into a submissive sitting around the house watching TV and eating bon bon?s all day? Talk to some out here you?d think so.

Now don?t get me wrong, I?ll be the first person to admit, as a dominant I prefer to take what I want rather than order it around all day long. I?m very physical, very hands on, and I enjoy giving in to the moment. Its aggression, its passion, but it?s never in my opinion devolved into rape. This is of course my opinion; there may be others out there with their own opinion of me that may differ. But its honest, it?s real, it comes naturally, tempered by age, controlled by experience and ever evolving with each new experience. Incorporating new ideas, different styles as time goes on; creating a style that I like to think is distinctly me. Is there a difference though? Between myself and those that pick their act up off of a computer monitor? Has the lifestyle devolved to the point where it doesn?t matter anymore?

For some I know it does, there are many out here that have it down, they know the score, and know who they are. Interesting thing is, all of these people that have it right, have real time experience actively living the lifestyle, its not an act for these people, they aren?t online because its another mind fuck they can play on the world. They are here because it?s the life they live, and they want a place where they can be proud to live it. Without repercussions, without hassles, just a place where they can be who they are, meet others looking for the same, and hopefully connect with someone and take it beyond. Ultimately that?s the thing that separates us from the beasts online and the beasts know it, which is why we constantly draw their heat when we are online. People see what they want, and are either too lazy to create for themselves or they realize its something they can never attain for themselves on their own. So they hate. It?s as simple as that.

The truth is, I know there?s nothing wrong with me or my attitude toward the lifestyle. I?m confident enough in myself to not have worry?s about my role or if I?m becoming something of a D/S has been. Like everything in life, the basics always hold true, things like respect, knowing yourself, knowing your limits, knowing what drives you in the lifestyle and what doesn?t. These things will never lack importance in the lifestyle and will never cease to be ideals those of us who are real strive for in the lifestyle. The problem isn?t those of use who know the score we will always do our thing regardless of what happens online. But that being said, in the end I do think that the online problem exists because of us, or more specifically because of lack of action on our part.

I think we?ve all become so jaded with everything we have to deal with online that we?ve stopped teaching. We?ve gotten so tired of the fake people who fill our screens daily we don?t have the patience to police the sites like we used to do. Anyone remember the times when a chat room would erupt in righteous indignation whenever an unsolicited IM was sent and the person that sent it was chastised until they ran from the room? When this happened it wasn?t done only to make the online experience better for themselves, to make a little chat room world of their own which only the few were allowed to play in. Just as importantly it was done to teach respect to these people, and to show the repercussions if respect was not given. We owned the sites we went to, and we defended them, and in doing so we made the experience better for everyone. Somewhere along the line we stopped doing that. We got tired of saying the same thing over and over, tired of the ones that took it as a challenge and came back again and again, tired of falling for the ones who had a good game, only to find ourselves feeling hurt and stupid because of it. We got tired, we got jaded and because of that the whole online experience has devolved to the point that most of the time we spend online now is spend trying to figure out if the person on the other end of the line is for real or not. So we stopped caring about the experience, stopped trying to keep it real, we gave up and now we are seeing the results. Without the guidance of those online with experience, of course the scene online is going to devolve into some D/S version of the Wild West and because it has we now have to deal with it twice as bad as it ever was before. Ultimately we are to blame for the way the websites have devolved; we are responsible for all the crap we now have to deal with on a daily basis. It?s our fault and we can come to a choice to allow it to progress to the point where we can?t stand to deal with it anymore and we run screaming from the places we used to haunt or we take ownership and do more to police it for everyone. Its up to us, we can choose to just give up and let these online players drive us away because we?re tired of dealing with the crap. We can choose to let them drive those new ones who want to learn and are worthy to be a part of the experience away before they start. Or we can do something about it, we can share information with each other, we can choose to block those people, as the more who block them, the less people they can have contact with, the more bored they?ll get and move on. When these people step out of line, call them on it. Treat a dog like a dog, and when a dog is bad you don?t beat it, you stick its nose in its own mess until it learns better. Treat these people like the dogs they are, teach them to learn. Do that and I guarantee your experience will improve for you, and for us all.

Exposing an Ass as an Ass

Seems the predictions I made last in last weeks journal entry weren?t quite as accurate as I thought they might be. Strange as it is, most everyone out there tended to agree with most of my opinions. If there were any dissenters most of them chose not to rear their ugly heads and weigh in on the subject. One of the first times that?s happened to me since I started doing this blog, and I admit, a nice change of pace. For those of you who dropped their 2 cents on the subject, you have my thanks for weighing in. Though I have to say, all my mail last week wasn?t hugs and kisses, I did run into a special new friend who went to great lengths in an attempt to try and piss me off, unfortunately, this one fails to understand that those who are out here for games, really aren?t worthy of respect, let alone giving them the satisfaction of pissing you off. These people who come online just to try and play games with those of us who come here to be open and honest about ourselves and our lifestyle, truly aren?t worth the trouble of getting upset over. They are the fly?s of the online community, and their only real purpose online is to be swatted down like the pests that they are. So as I promised, this week I dedicate my blog to this pest by cut and pasting a play by play of our conversations over the week. I won?t be naming this person, I hope that any out there who have had to deal with them will recognize them from their style of writing or their M.O., but if not you can feel free to ask me directly. My hope in doing this is that perhaps others will recognize this pest?s song and dance, and maybe together we can scare people like this out of the websites we frequent, hopefully making the whole experience a little better for us all

My first contact from this one came last week as I checked to see who had been viewing me, and their name came up on the list. Now as this person had no photo up and not much more substance in their profile, I decided they weren?t worth the trouble of acknowledging the fact that they viewed my profile, and thanking them for it, something I commonly do when anyone who is local and seems worthy, takes the time out of their day to view mine. Seems that?s not what they wanted from me, and a couple days later they send me an e-mail that read,

?I hate your photo?

MMMMM doesn?t it just bleed intelligence? Can?t you see the smarts just rising from the comment? I know I could, and I decided it was time to swat a fly that needed swatting, and of course I penned, what I felt, was an antiquate response, (the name has been X?d out);

?XXXXX,

That you feel like you need to tell me that, just tells me there?s a lot in this life you hate, and most of it is in yourself. There?s a difference between being critical and being mean. This is one of I?m sure many differences between us. I am critical, and I will put those things I am critical of, under a microscope and expose it to others in my blog, which is public, open to public scrutiny and public comment. If another doesn't agree with what I?ve said, they are more than welcome to take me to task for it, because my criticisms are open for all to see. What I will never do, ever, is to focus that criticism on specific individuals. To make another feel badly about them self, in my opinion, is a completely hateful thing to do. It shows the type of person that lives in your soul, and that?s what you really hate, my photo, is just an excuse to make yourself feel better about it.

You, on the other hand, choose to be mean, choose to be hateful. People like you who need to be mean do so, because there is so much in yourself that you hate, your only recourse to make yourself feel better about it is by trying to make others around you feel as bad as you do about yourself. Bringing others down is the only way for you to make yourself feel better about being you. Hate eats you up, it pervades your whole being, it rules you and that to me is sad. The fact that you have to express that hate by sending mean little notes to others you don't know, who you have never spoken to, who have never done anything against you, and that you have to do it anonymously, shows your cowardess just as brightly as it shows your hate. That cowardess is amplified when you choose to do it to others who have put their photos up for the public to see, while you hide without one, just reinforces what a coward you are.

Ultimately the D/S lifestyle is about respect, respect for everyone, big or small, cute or ugly, dominant or submissive. You can be critical of a person, or of a group, and still be respectful of them. Being critical, without the influx of hate, is respect. You have no respect, and I doubt any idea of what respect truly means. You show that with your little anonymous blurbs of hate, if you can't respect people you don't know, I highly doubt you can respect anything else, in the D/S lifestyle, or out of it.

Your last issue is about intelligence in general, or in your case lack there of. Looking at your profile, or again lack there of, shows your stupidity as brightly as your e-mails show your hateful nature, your cowardess, and lack of respect. Anyone who puts up a 21 word profile either is too dumb to know what?s important in a profile, or someone with so much to hide of themselves that they have no clue what to put into their profile without giving themselves away. Thing is about stupidity, eventually it shows itself for what it truly is. It rises to the surface like oil on water, with some people it takes longer to surface, with you it rises like a flood and it coats your whole being, its like a neon sign you carry with you wherever you go.

Consider this lifestyle, and if you truly fit into it. Your profile says you?re a "natural submissive" I highly doubt if that is true. I've known many natural submissive?s, and none of them have a passive aggressive gene in their body. you on the other hand have it coursing through yours. Your meanness, cowardess, lack of respect and lack of intelligence are bad enough on their own, the fact that you have to inflict in on those you don't know, shows you as an unworthy submissive at least, and a dangerous submissive at most. The type of person who says they are submissive, when in fact they are just damaged goods. You my dear are damaged goods, and that will be the death nail of any dominant that even considers you as a partner.

You have my thanks, for showing me your true colors, its just as good to know who the aXXhXXX's out here as it is to know the good people. Also thanks for the inspiration, aXXhXXX's like you inspire my blogs, so stay tuned, cause my next one is going to be all about you. Be well

Salo?

A very well thought out response to their statement I thought, and since it?s been my experience that if you confront people like this, in this way, they tend to run for the hills, I felt comfortable that the matter had been settled. Alas, this was not to be, no more than 25 minutes later, they were back for more with this gem of a retort,

?Your mean.?

The classic passive aggressive move; when confronted with their own crap, they turn it around and blame you for the very thing they are guilty of. Like blaming the bear because you chose to walk into the cave and began to poke it with a stick. Of course it?s the bears fault you got mauled. Sensing that if I continued, this would go on forever and yet not wanting to give up the cause, I sent a response,

?and your sad.?

Now I know at this point we are starting to get into the childish, one step away from ? yes sir, no sir, yes sir, no sir.? But I have a hard time backing down from confrontation, call it a weakness if you will, I rarely back down. Of course, there was an answer,

?yes I feel sad now?

to which I quickly answered,

?As you should. You picked the wrong place and wrong person to make yourself feel better about being who you are. That you were made sad just shows the truth in what I said to you. This is what happens when you choose to be mean out here. You deserve it.?

Strangely this put an end to the e-mail exchange for the day, and nothing else was heard, until the next day when they came back for round 2 with,

?you?re a fuckhead.?

You have to love that, you don?t have the mental capacity to respond intelligently, respond with more insults. What can you do, when it boils down to childish name calling, there?s no point in continuing so I sent my response,

?and your done.?

And I blocked them. Its obvious this person isn?t here to learn, to grow, to become an active member of the lifestyle, they are just here to try and set people off. They want to make the experience so bad for others; that they feel they have no other option but to walk away from the site. Thing is, I don?t walk away from confrontation; I end it, on my terms. In truth I didn?t think blocking them would end it, and it didn?t. Sure enough, not long after they were blocked, they had made a new profile, with info that was slightly different, but the similarities between the profiles were enough to make them stand out as the same person. I knew the first time I saw the new profile up on the Massachusetts list, it was the same person. It also didn?t hurt that the first profile and the new profile both come online at the exact same time, every time. Might as well stick a flare gun up your butt and pull the trigger, it would be less obvious.

So that is that. I?ve yet to get a response from this new profile, they looked at my profile again, but I ignored them. I expect they are waiting for my blog this week before they start round 3. But that?s the thing about these people, they come here and make trouble for the real ones, because they are so far from being real, they can?t stand others who pull it off. Their jealousy makes them try and wreck the experience for you. My point is you can?t let them, don?t let these people scare you away from what you want or make you feel its not worth the effort, because it is worth the effort. Don?t let them brow beat you away from the sites you enjoy. Instead turn it on them, make it a game you enjoy. Have fun with them, laugh at them. Don?t give them your anger, give them your intelligence, give them your wit. Make it a game, and enjoy it as such, when you do, they can?t beat you, you can?t back down, because its too much fun making them think about the crap they are sending at you, and making them feel like the losers they are for doing it in the first place.

Get Ready, Cause I?m Gonna Piss Some of you Off.

I?m gonna piss some people off this week, I know this going into this week?s blog, I know this before I type the first word. So why do it? Why knowingly piss a bunch of people off? Well theres a lot of reasons for that; my traumatizing need to say what I believe regardless of others feelings, my infantile need to push people?s buttons when I see something in them that bothers me, my deluded belief that some people out there actually listen to what I say, and agree, or just cause I?m in a particularly vicious mood today. Whatever the reason or reasons you choose to attribute as a cause for my bad behavior, that bad behavior still going to happen regardless, so I apologize in advance if my words have upset some. It?s my nature to say what I think, I don?t sugarcoat things for the people I love, I?m not about to mince my words for those that mean far less to me. Instead of turning to anger because of what you?ve read, try looking at what I?ve said and find some meaning in it for you, because there?s always a method to my madness. But if you find you can?t, feel free to take your best shot at me, everyone else does. So with that said and out of the way, on to the bashing.

There?s a feeling in the air, can you sense it? Sort of, kind of, that xmas feeling of doom you get when you hear the first Bing Crosby Christmas worble coming through the musac in the store on the 1^st of October. Did you catch that scent in the air? That strange mix of latex shine and cologne that instills feelings of both excitement and dread that would do Pablov proud. Look at the excited faces of all the newbie?s out there as they count down the days down to their first time. That?s right ladies and gents, its Fetish Fair season again, time for the New England D/S community to come out of their respective closets and out into the light of day and glory that is the Cyclorama. For the record folks, the date is August 18^th, times are noon to 6pm, and its in Boston. The NELA has a website out there with all the info, need the link, feel free to ask. So as I?m just off of an event in FL and I have all sorts of pet peeves fresh in my mind, let?s vent some of those demons now and put them in context of our own extra special local event and more particularly our own extra special local fair goers.

To start, let?s get this out of the way now and put it to rest, I am well aware that I?m not the prettiest petal on the rose bush. I?ve lived 35 years in this body, and I?ve worked almost 7 years in professional photography. By now I realize that I?m not destined to grace the pages of GQ anytime soon. But I do have style, and its mine, it?s not adopted from someone else, it?s not copied from some photo I?ve seen somewhere. It?s me, its mine, it?s unmistakable. It might not be for everyone, but its one small part in a bunch of small parts that makes me whole, and believe it or not, makes me attractive. My sense of style I know attracts as much as it separates me from the rest of the pack. That being said, I got to play Mr. Blackwell here and say, ?DAMN!! some of you people out there really need to learn how to dress yourselves.? Ladies, just cause it looks good in a photo on someone else, does not mean that outfit is necessarily going to look good on you. I don?t know how many times I?ve watched people in the lifestyle wearing outfits they have absolutely no excuse for putting on. It?s like some women out there just don?t look in the mirror, and refuse to acknowledge their body type. And don?t think I?m just picking on the BBW?s out there, tho I do admit some of you really need some help. I know the German?s made looking like a sausage that?s had both end?s cut and been squeezed in the middle D/S chic, thing is, this ain?t Germany. There?s a lot of really hot looks out there for BBW?s, find one that?s suited to a BBW body type. Same thing can be said for the rest of you out there, know your body type, know what will wear well on you and what won?t. It will make the difference between looking good, and looking like a caricature of what you want to be. Don?t be a muppet if it?s not the look you?re going for. There are a lot of really great fetish fashions out there to choose from, please just choose wisely. Realize that if your going to hide in your house and mail order outfits to your home without trying them on first, the chance that what you get is going to be the perfect size and fit for you is slim. Designers make things differently, what one may call a size 5 another may call a size 6, especially when it comes to buying things made in Europe vs things made by designers in the states, there?s always going to be a slight size difference. That slight size difference can be the difference between a fetish fashion piece that looks amazing on you, and one that makes you look like a ragamuffin. Realize that what you wear doesn?t dictate who you are in the lifestyle; you don?t have to wear fetish fashion to be considered a submissive or dominant. There are some out there can?t wear fetish fashions, it?s just not them, it doesn?t go with their look or who they are, and if they try, the look fails for them. Some people just look better in street clothes, just as some people look fantastic in fetish fashion. Take some care and thought in how you present yourself in a public setting, because that?s going to dictate how people react to you, and treat you in a public setting. You know the saying that clothes make the person, that?s so true, in D/S and out. Take pride in your appearance, it will go a long way.

Guy?s, don?t think I?m leaving you out of this one, a lot of you out there are just as bad, if not worse. Now I know that the designers don?t give us a whole lot to work with when it comes to men?s fetish fashion. Everything they design seems to be stuck in either a 70?s gay biker paradigm with their little biker hat, leather vest and chaps look. Or they do the Conan the Barbarian thing with the bracers and harness look, which, call me homophobic, looks just as gay to me. Beyond being, in my opinion, a really gay look, its also totally played out by now, I mean come on, it?s the 21^st century, let?s leave the D/S equivalent of parachute pants in the closet. This leads us to our next, admittedly more modern look, that of the reject from the set of the Matrix look. Now I admit it was a hot look when the movies came out, that very slick, cool, classic English vibe, if you can pull it off more power to you. The problem is when you go picking a style from a movie your risking turning yourself into a caricature, instead of looking cool; you just look like a muppet. Might as well sport a Star Trek Uniform (next generation of course) and strap a phazer to your hip. Again guys it?s about style and knowing yourself, knowing your body type what you can wear, and what you can?t. Know your limitations, once you do, you own them and they don?t matter. Realize just like the women that what you wear doesn?t necessarily make you what you are, or want to be. You don?t have to wear leather to be a dom. When you are you are, you really don?t have to wear a thing, now do you?

Next thing, your going to hear this a lot, and I?d advise you to try to take heed on this one as best you can. Try to leave your attitude at the door, because a lot of people won?t. There?s a lot of attitude at these events, a lot of different people with different lives and different expectations of the lifestyle and of people in general, and they all come to the fair. In the end we all know its all about attitude when it comes to the lifestyle, you can?t fill a room with a bunch of people who consider themselves alpha?s and not get a bit of attitude thrown into the mix. It?s all about keeping it in check while still holding your own, in the end it?s what these events boil down to. For those people out there that aren?t 40 something, you?re probably going to get more attitude than most. Try to grin and bear it as best you can. Won?t matter if that 40 something has been in the lifestyle less than a year, or 20 years, for some reason a lot of people think age is a trump card they can play. Realize in this lifestyle, age doesn?t matter unless you want it to matter, and don?t let anyone kid you different.

Lastly, enjoy yourselves, regardless of all I?ve said, The Fair doesn?t happen often, and we don?t have a whole lot of organized events in this neck of the woods, and clubs, well we all know they are nonexistent beyond the lame. Support the vendors, because they are what drive this. They are a great source to buy things that suit you well just as they will fit you well. Create a relationship with those venders whose wares and work you like. It can be a relationship that can benefit you both for years to come. There?s a lot of great people there to meet mixed up between the couples made up of a married guy?s cheating with married women and at the fair to troll for another to add to the harem and the single Dom?s there just trolling for anything. Enjoy the events and after parties, they only come at fair time, just use your head and be safe. Most importantly, have fun.

All i have to say is "WOW". Thank you Lady Rowling, for a great literary ride.

Back

Yea, yea, yea, I know I missed last weeks blog, this Sir needed a break. I haven?t gone on walkabout in a long time, I guess I was due. I?ve always been the guy that would just up and go somewhere, anywhere, when the mood is on me. For some reason the last 6 years or so I?ve stuck to home for the most part, haven?t gone anywhere I didn?t have to, just doing my thing, keeping my nose to that proverbial grindstone. Which is a good thing; focusing on your life, making it better for yourself, not shelving the tough things in life, but meeting them head on and dealing with them. If you care enough to focus on anything you see as important, you will eventually make it better for yourself and I think I have for me. But after a while the shit builds up; the people who have let you down, the intangibles in life you can?t control the hang-ups in yourself that you allow free reign. All that disappointment builds up and every once in a while all this crap needs to be, if not shaken off, at least totally ignored for a short time. And going on walkabout is a great way to ignore that crap that?s built up on your back.

I know, I hear you saying as I write the words,?What the hell is Walkabout?? It?s a difficult thing for me to describe, because for me it?s as much a feeling I have as it is an act I do. The term I adopted from Australia, as I understand it it?s the term they use when they take some time off and wander the bush, camping, hunting, etc. I?m not sure where or how I picked up the term to talk about my travels, but it?s the best way I?ve found to term it. It?s a feeling I get, it?s like something inside me just starts saying in the background, ?Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go.? Over and over, eventually the feeling gets stronger and you have to deal with it. Of course everyone gets this, and when you do, you plan; you make reservations, check and double check, make sure all plans are pre arranged. It?s the thing you do when you don?t want to think about the details. I don?t do that, because it?s the details that make the experience for me. I go on the spur of the moment because it?s the details that cause me to ignore the crap, because I?m focusing on the details of the road. I?m not worried about that last letdown, because I?m focusing on where I?m going and where I?m  going to stay once I get to where I?m going, wherever that is. I?m not focusing on the crap anymore; I?m focusing on life, now, as it happens, as it comes at me. You learn that walls and roadblocks in your life really are only as big as you make them yourself. On the road the walls that life throws at you can?t be big cause you have to get over them, if you don?t you have to turn back. Sometimes you find you can?t turn back, you?ve gone too far on the road to turn back. So you think on your feet, sometimes you have to suffer a bit, but eventually if you have focus you?ll get to where you?re going. It?s a good metaphor for the rest of life, and a great way to make you remember that.

So I found myself Tuesday morning at the end of a particularly grueling shoot in Hartford, CT, when my boss informs me that he?s taking the rest of the week off, and it hit me. I?ve been in Harford since Sunday, I?m already packed for the road, the homestead already locked down, my car safely tucked away at the studio. What?s to stop me from giving it a go? While we proceed to wrap the shoot, I?m on the phone trying to connive my way with the Delta ticket agent trying to get a place on a flight out of Bradly. Normally this doesn?t work, but I have family who work for Delta, which cuts through a lot of crap, and before we are done packing the van I?m on a standby flight out of Bradly to Tampa/St. Pete. In truth the hardest part of the whole process was breaking to my boss that he?d have to unload the van by himself when he got back, he was a bit unnerved that in 2 hours of learning I was going to have some time off I?m now jetting off to Florida. I have to admit, I got a kick out of it.

But why Florida in July, I mean if New England isn?t hot enough now I have to travel closer to the equator? My main reason was my family, my Mom?s down there now and I figured accurately that a visit would do her some good after her surgery. She?s not native to Florida, just a retiree, at first she didn?t want any of us there, but that was more not to put us out that it was for want of privacy, at least she seems pretty happy that I didn?t listen to her. My second reason for going is that I lived in Florida for several years with an ex who recently passed; I decided it would be a good time to go back, see some old friends, and see how things have changed. My time in Florida is an odd time in my past, it was my best of times and my worst of times. It?s where I was most active in the D/S scene and most happy with my partner. We had a great time there; it?s where I think I was at my best in life. It?s also where I lost a lot of faith in people, where I learned that nothing is forever, and I think after Florida is when I turned more inward. A place that powerful in ones life has to be visited now and again as you progress in life, so you know your progressing and you?ve made the right choices since, or that you haven?t.

The visit to Mom was fairly uneventful for the most part; the only real surprise was me showing up on her doorstep without calling. She got used to it one time in her life, but I haven?t done it for years, she got a kick out of it. I hung out for a couple days sitting by the pool, going out to eat, meeting her friends, and generally slowing life down to a retiree?s pace. This is nice for a day, restful for the second, but by the third day I start to get restless and its time to do something. By Friday morning I was on the phone and on the road to Sarasota.

When I lived in FL I was admittedly a different person, I was living a different life than I do now. It was the early 90?s and we were surrounded by students and artists. It was very decedent, very avant garde, very Andy Warhol, very Disco 2000. We were all young and very twisted in a lot of different ways. It was D/S clubs, and house parties every other night, work came second to your social life. That?s part of the reason it ate us all up and part of my reasoning for going back was to see how much had changed there since, and to see how my ex fit into it before she died. So when I got into town I got in contact with a friend who actually had her shit together back then, hoping to get a clear idea of what the scenes was like now from someone unclouded by it. I found the things there hadn?t changed much, many people had moved with new characters taking their place, but the life was fairly the same as it had been and H and I were in it to the gills. Because H was always in it to the gills, that was one of the many reasons why I liked her, she always had her fingers in the frosting, she couldn?t help herself. I got the lowdown as to who was still in town and went about making my reunions, this took the better part of the day but by the time I was done I had a place to stay and activities to keep me occupied because of course there was going to be a party going on.

Now D/S parties in FL are a bit different than the ones I?ve been to in New England, in New England it?s about the people, in FL it?s much more about the atmosphere. People go all out setting mood and ironing out the wrinkles. The space, the people, the entertainment, the security, the refreshments, they are all planned and paid for, definitely not your BYOB style shindig, and this place was no exception. Private party at a private home, invite only or come as a guest, if anyone in New England has ever been to the Secret Chalet you?ll have a good idea of the scene except think more money involved with it.

Surprisingly many people I knew were still there, still doing the same thing. I spent most of the evening having reunions and rehashing old times. I got the scope on H, which was pretty much as I thought it would be and even got to see the couple she had been with since I left her. But I had changed, and being there made me see that in sharp focus, I realize I?ve progressed beyond the fashion show that was going on around me and that?s it, that?s the reason I did all of this. To realize that I?ve progressed beyond the fashion show that most of the people involved in this scene are caught up in. Don?t get me wrong, I do enjoy parties, especially with a partner I enjoy being with, but it?s not a fashion show for me anymore, it?s who I am now, not what I?m trying to be and there?s no going back from that. Once you?ve been to that place, tasted what you want out of life and the lifestyle, you can?t turn away from it. You can?t go back to the superficial existence of that life. It?s the reason I?m single now even when I know I don?t have to be, it?s the reason I?ve been single since December, when I could have changed that a number of times with a number of people. Because I want that thing that goes beyond the superficial, I want the relationship that seeps straight into your bones. I want the relationships that are going to hurt me when they are gone, which is why they hurt me when their gone. They have meaning for me and if a relationship doesn?t have meaning for me, I can?t have it in my life. It?s selling myself short because I?m settling for less than I want, it?s selling that partner short because they aren?t getting the best of me that I can give them and ultimately it?s just going to lead to a lot of hurt. My life then was great, not because of the people we knew, or the places we lived or the parties we went to, or the things that we did. Life was great because I was with a person that I had that connection with, and when you have that everything is good as long as it?s done with them. So for those out there that are wondering what?s up with me, what?s my deal when it comes to relationships, this is the best explanation I can give. I?m looking for that connection, and when I see it, I know it from the start, but if I don?t, I?m sorry, but I don?t and I?m not going to ever settle for less than that. I want the world, and I want a partner I can see the world in when I look into her eyes. How can you settle for less than that?

Update - For those who have wondered, my new images have finally been approved and posted by the collarme gods. I do apologize for the delay.

New Images

As this past week has turned out to be about as horrible as one can get, and this is saying something as I?ve had a number of shitty weeks this year already. But it seems like this is the year that my family is predestined to have their bodies break down on them; first my dad, then me, then my sister, now my mom?s decided to join the club. So with that being said, and as I sit here writing this, she lays on an operating room table, I find my thoughts a bit too jumbled to order, and when I try, I don?t like the results, so I?m going to keep it short and sweet this week. Instead of writing I?ve decided to add some new and more recent images to my profile and online portfolio. The photos of me are staying the same, all were taken within the last six months and I haven?t changed all that much in that time. I felt it was time to change up my images and as many have asked to see more and more recent images, your wish is now granted and for those that liked to bust on my images, here?s some more cannon fodder for you.

These are all fine art images for the most part. Many have asked why I don?t post some of my fetish work, and the truth is I tried, but you get tired of trying to appease the online photo approval gods so I find it easier to post these. I have examples of all my work in my online portfolio, but locked off lest one day I start finding them in people who are not me?s profiles, which has happened.  I also began updating my online portfolio as well, but was shocked to find the service I use to host them will soon be going belly up, which it completely aggravating to no end. For those who have the address, it will remain the same until I find another host, for those interested in seeing more, feel free to contact me, and for those trolling for photos, don?t even bother.

Fantasy or Delusion?

So it seems I hit a few nerves and a couple funny bones with my blog topic last week. I received a lot of mail from others wanting to weigh in on the topic and add their two cents, which I have to admit was tons of fun. I hadn?t realized that so many fakes out there labor under some deluded notion that when they are in their fake profile form, they are in fact that person. Its one thing if you?re admitting that up front, but none of you do that in your profile. Instead you portray yourselves as something you?re not then run away once you?re busted. Or you choose to hold to the lie even when it?s painfully obvious that the jig is up. Whatever the excuse, a quick word of advice for some of them out there; if you?re going to make a fake profile for yourself, don?t pick a major porn star or fashion model to represent you, it?s a bit of a tip off for those of us with half a brain. Some of you aren?t nearly as smart as you think you are and you should try checking your male libido and seeing yourself as you really are instead of living some lie, cause eventually you all fuck up.

Beyond fakes raging at me, I also received some mail with thoughts and insights I had not originally considered part of my arguments last week, but now that they are brought to my attention I can see how they relate. Ideas like people out here who are only exploring the lifestyle in the safety of the online form and who may not be interested or ready to explore these things in the real world. Or those that are exploring forms of online domination from long distance, or those that are just looking for something long distance instead of looking at those in their backyards. A lot of people have a lot of reasons as to why they do what they do out here, and why they search for what they search for. As for me, I don?t speak for anyone but myself, these are my opinions, and mine alone. The fact that I have people out there that identify with what I?m saying is secondary to that. I?m going to tell you how I feel about a topic, because that?s how I feel, you don?t have to like it, or not like it, you don?t have to agree or disagree, you don?t even have to read it if you choose not to. What I think doesn?t require you to do anything, if you choose to read it, that?s your choice, if you relate then I?m glad. But I don?t sugar coat anything in my life, many times to my detriment but that?s who I am, and it?s what I do. If your inner self is too fragile to deal with hard truths, you may want to rethink identifying with this lifestyle. So with that said this week I?m going to tackle some more of these thoughts and insights and give my take on them, whether you like it or not.

To begin with I got several posts from people out here whose only interest right now is exploring this lifestyle online and online only. Now though I can?t relate to those that do this, I do understand to some peoples reasoning for doing so. Most I?ve found are those that are new to the lifestyle, and online is by far the safest method of exploring without getting yourself into trouble. Many are young, and as I know this lifestyle is infused with 40/50 something singles and couples that would give their eyeteeth to have an 18 yo submissive in their ?stable?. It?s completely understandable that you would want to use something as a firewall between your fantasy exploration and the possible realities that can come of them. As I see it the problem comes in the admission of what you?re really out here for, an admission made to others, or to yourself. Now if you come out in your profile and openly state that you?re out here exploring these things online, and that?s all you?re looking for, then I feel everyone out here should respect that. If you?re open and honest about it, you don?t have to defend that to anyone. Granted in doing so you?re going to get heat from those that don?t agree with you. But eventually you?re going to come across someone who understands where you?re coming from and will happily explore these things online with you. The problem comes when people out there aren?t open about what they are looking for. Instead they hold back until the person they are speaking with gets frustrated, and then they spring the truth, which to me is just lying. Now some out here have reasoned that they can?t get those with true experience to speak with them if they say that they are only exploring online, so they omit the info. This may in fact be true, but if you choose not to respect another?s desire to only deal with reality, you?re just as bad as the ones that can?t respect peoples need to explore online, and are just as wrong as they are.

Others have spoken to me about the need to be controlled online, but from a distance. As I understand it, their kink is more to be directed and ordered, somewhat like a robot being given orders or a person being controlled remotely. In this they seem to be exploring ideas of objectification, as well as self bondage and self abuse. From my view I find all kinks interesting, and on a psychological level I find this one really intriguing, but my interest doesn?t really go beyond that. Now as I understand it most who I?ve had contact with that do this say the reason for doing so is that they happen to live in a remote place, so contact with others involved the lifestyle in their area is at most limited if existent at all. So in that sense I can see how this form of D/S would evolve and attract some, and for others it may be their only outlet. My problem is I find it hard to separate that form of D/S in my mind from acts like the cutting of one?s self in times of distress, or burning of ones self with cigarettes. I feel there?s an extremely fine line there between a kink and a psychological problem and for many, including myself, it?s not an edge that?s fulfilling enough to be worth exploring. As above, it?s a situation you have to be very up front when you choose to contact another, and if they are not interested, it?s something you have to respect. If your open and honest about your situation you will find others in the same boat, or at least interested in exploring the same thing, but if you choose to approach those with no interest in your kink, don?t be shocked when you get shut down buy them.

I also received several e-mails from people whose only interested seems to be in looking for those who are a long distance from them and want to relocate to them, or are just choosing to not to limit the pool by only looking locally. Some just want a new start in a new place, to get themselves out of their current situation and hopefully something that works better for them. In theory, that?s really cool idea, if that?s your only interest and there are no underlying factors behind your reasoning. But its been my experience with those I have contact with that use this reasoning as an explanation of themselves, it always seems I can find things that are unsaid that better explain their true motivations. I mean if you want Calgon to take you away, that?s fine, and I?m sure there are many out here that are willing to ?save? a person from their horrible situation. If I ever come across a situation like that I?ll be duly impressed with the chivalry of it all. But it?s been my experience that those that are looking for this seem to have an idea that submission is more about sitting around another?s house all day eating bon bon?s and watching TV than it is in contributing to each others lives meaningfully. I find many who search for this are more interested in what you do, what you have and what you make than the type of person you are, or your style of domination. To me D/S isn?t about what you?re going to get out of a situation materially, it?s about a partnership where both sides feed off of each other equally, and that situation is rarely found in a wallet.

To be clear, I don?t see anything wrong with fantasy or exploring fantasy, online or in reality. Fantasy is good, it expands your mind, it expands your limits, and when practiced with a partner you click with, well that?s the reason why we are all here, to find that. When you do, it?s the most amazing thing in the world, but like a lot of things in life, too much of it can do more harm than good. Fantasy is one thing, but its not reality, you can?t know if that fantasy you carry around is really your thing without the reality to temper it. As far as I know one can?t find subspace in text on a screen, and once your reality becomes text on the screen instead of a real hand on your bottom, your whole reasoning becomes skewed, especially to those whose only interest is in reality. Reality tells you if you?re kidding yourself, if you?re lying to yourself and to others about who you are and what you want. There?s nothing worse in this lifestyle than finding out the one you have fallen into caring for has just been kidding themselves with too much fantasy and delusion of who and what they really are. When you do that to yourself with too much fantasy, too much thought without any practice, you set the scene for causing damage to all involved, sub and Dom, cause there?s nothing worse than believing in someone, only to have them let you down completely.

Res Ipsa Liquitor

Fakes and Frauds

(My apologies for the lateness of this weeks post. One of those weeks when life catches up with you)

 So after dabbling my toes in the waters of fictional writing, I find myself undecided about how I feel about my first attempt in my postings. For the most part I feel it came out ok, and the responses it?s generated seem to support that, I thank those people that took the time to send me a word. Ultimately though I do think it was a successful first attempt, it still feels a bit rushed. I think had I taken another week to polish it a bit, the story would have been a lot more successful. Something I?ll think about next time I give fiction a try. I?ve found fiction requires more effort on my part, I?m not sure if that?s common for all, or if it?s because I?m the type of person that doesn?t allow a lot of fiction to come into his life. Either way, it?s something for me to ponder and work on, perhaps come to some conclusions that will make the end result better. For now I fall back on my tried and true. But tried and true what? Social commentary? Editorial writing? D/S Lifestyle Critic? I?m unsure what to call what comes naturally when I write, but I know it flows a lot easier from my mind than fiction does. So this week I fall back on what I do best, but let?s focus it on a pet peeve of mine that has a lot to do with fiction, and something many of us online deal with, some of us more than others, I?m talking about those out there I classify as ?Fakes?

Before I start the bashing, I have to define what I see as an online ?Fake?, as I don?t want to mix them up with another group that?s closely related to them; those I classify as ?Frauds?. Both groups are the same in the fact that they both spend their time online actively trying to misconstrue who and what they are to others. They both are out there trying to misrepresent everything about themselves when they contact others. Their; station, personality, interests, experiences, experience level, etc, anything they can think of to cause others to fall for their scam. These people intentionally spend time online trying to dupe others; they know they aren?t the person they proclaim to be, and that?s the point, to try and get you to fall for who they say they are. I?m fairly certain that many times a ?Fake? and a ?Fraud? are one in the same person; they are usually male and switches between the profiles he?s made. Usually they both are out for 2 things; one being to get you to fall for their shtick, and the other is to get cyber gratification out of it. In fact the only real difference between the two is that a ?Fake? is a male who makes female profiles and goes online portraying himself as such, while the ?Fraud? doesn?t change his gender. I know that every woman who has labeled themselves as ?bisexual? in any place on their profile knows exactly the type of person I?m talking about. These guys can?t get anyone to talk with them in their true form, or they?ve burned so many bridges in that form that most know them for who they are. So instead of taking the hint and moving on, they find a pretty picture online, make up a females profile, and go to town. One of the more interesting things about fakes playing bi is that they tend to be attracted to each other, which keeps them off real people?s backs a lot of the time. But bi women are by far not the only ones who have to deal with the ?Fakes?, I?ve deal with so many of them that I?ve turned the process into an amateur sport and science.

I?m not sure why I?ve always had to deal with these people, and I?m unsure if other male dominants out there have had similar experience with them. Perhaps it?s because I?ve always been overly open about myself in any profile I?ve made, I?ve given them a lot of fat to chew on, and a lot of ammunition to work with. Perhaps it?s just my overbearing charm and classic look that keeps them coming back. But whatever the reason I?ve been dealing with these chumps ever since I started using the internet as a networking tool. They come in all shapes and sizes, some are really dumb and easy to spot, other?s it takes some detective work, but the one truth to be said for all of them is eventually they will screw up. Photos are a big giveaway for me, as I deal with photography every day. I can spot tells in a photograph most will miss, like why would a photo supposedly taken on cape cod have an island in the background with palm trees? Or why would a photo supposedly taken in the US have electrical fixtures on the wall that are European standard? Or if that?s a person living in Wisconsin why is every product in the background written in Russian? I can also tell a professional photograph from an amateur just from the lighting, but of course once you call them on that one you?ll always get the same response ?Because I was a model silly?, which is just as telling.

Another tell these people have is they never want to meet. These are the ones that are looking to carry on those prolonged, drawn out relationships online. You know the ?A girl has to be careful? ones. Now I have to say up front, I fully believe in safety online. Playing things carefully and prudently, taking your time and getting to know someone online before even considering meeting them in person is just smart. We all need that feeling out period to decide if this person is someone we want to let to that next step. But come on, we are all adults here, or at least we should be, and as adults we ought to be able to handle a mid day meeting at a coffee shop or a restaurant without fear that your going to be raped and killed, especially by someone that you?ve been chatting with online daily for the last 3 months and has given you no reason to justify feeling that way. I admit, I?m ok with meeting people I don?t know, though that may be a Dom thing too, but I don?t think it any different to go to dinner with someone I?ve met online as it would be someone I met at a bar one night. My take is, if I have interest in someone, I want to explore it, and I don?t want to do that online. My goal is not to have meaningful online relationships, I think a bit bigger I guess. To me if you keep making excuses for not meeting me for dinner, if you keep giving me lines that you can?t be too safe and that you?ve had bad experiences in the past, I?ll respect that but the more I hear it, the more I?m going to believe your hiding something. Once I believe your hiding something, you?re done; I may just not let you know it. I like to trap ?Fakes? in their own shit, so when I know I have one I?ll play along with them, learning more about them, and never giving them what they are looking for from me, ultimately frustrating the hell out of them in the process. Funny thing is, usually once I out a ?Fake? they immediately run away, the profile they use gets deleted or never used again, but they turn around and make a new one and come back to mess with me again, not realizing that the way we chat translates no matter the profile they make, its like the distinct sound of a persons voice, its unmistakable. Most of my favorite fakes come from the Yahoo system, which is notorious for them, but I?ve notice 2 of my most favorite ?Fakes? of all time have now migrated from yahoo over to the collarme site and though neither of them has had the balls to try contacting me there, I?d still like to give them their due.

Now I won?t use names, I know the collarme site doesn?t like those to blog about other users directly, so I won?t name names, of course all curious parties are free to ask me the names anytime. Instead I?ll focus on their motis operandi, as those who have had contact with either will spot them immediately; they both have odd kinks that cause them to stand out like sore??.um thumbs. First let?s speak on the one we?ll call ?the secretary?, as she/he?s recently made another attempt at duping me and I busted him, ultimately inspiring what I write today. Now ?the secretary? is supposedly based out of Portsmouth NH, and calls her/him self submissive, but is all passive aggressive in her act. She/he has a thing for humiliation, wanting to be humiliated by upper class snobs, in public places, verbal humiliation mostly with a strong influx of foot fetishism thrown in. Originally ?the secretary? was not looking for sexual contact, and wanted the humiliation to be distinctly non sexual, but as time has gone on that has changed and she/he has spoken about pony play and other D/S extremes. She/He?s also approached me as the male half of a couple, and is colored and looking to be humiliated by being treated as a southern house slave, which causes me to believe he is a black male in his real form. She/he is annoying but basically harmless, just out looking for someone who will script out d/s scenes for him to masturbate to. Another, I?ll call ?the cuck? is a bit more malevolent in her/his interest. ?The cuck? represents her/his self as the female half of a couple living in the Rye area. She/he usually comes off as a 40 something submissive female married to a much older male, usually in his mid 80?s. Her/his interest is in black male dominants and extremely well hung dominants, claiming that she has no sexual relations with her husband, but actively looks for D/S partners with his approval. The only catch being he has to be in the house when she plays so she can torment him with her screams. She/he will claim she is under the supervision of a psychiatrist for nymphomania and extreme D/S interests. She/he will also want to script out D/S scenes for gratification usually extreme scenes of rape play and beatings, but they also want to make the dominant jump through hoops in the process by requiring the dominant to get an aids test and show it before even meeting for coffee, or will probe the dominant for expensive D/S items they don?t own, then require them to buy the equipment before meeting. This one, like all the others, prolongs online contact until they are busted, and once they are will abandon a profile and create a new one, but the interests between profiles will always remain the same.

Now that all of that?s out in the open, hopefully some out there will spot some things they have been dealing with in their own ?Fakes? and ?Frauds?, and maybe get a couple ideas about how to spot those types in the future, and how to handle them when they do. Enjoy your ?Fakes? as they can provide you countless hours of entertainment. Just remember, frustrate them, don?t ever give them exactly what they want, always put your own twist on it, never fall into cyber or scripting and have fun with it. Make up sexual interests, belittle their own interests and you?ll have yourself an enjoyable time regardless of their hang-ups. Make them dance for you.

Fiction.

(For all those who dislike commentary and only want fiction)

It was late and he was tired. They were working on their 15^th hour on set and were finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. One of the truths about a life working in commercial photography was that for every easy or fun job one did, there were 10 jobs in between that were about as interesting as watching paint dry. This was one of those days, 15 hours of shooting furniture sets for a local furniture mill; Bedroom sets, Kitchen sets, Living room sets. Build a set, bring in the furniture, shoot the set, remove the furniture, take down the set and repeat. In that situation mental endurance was just as important as physical endurance, and by now everyone?s endurance was slipping on both counts. Not only did he have to double and triple check everything he was doing, this was the time that he had to watch everyone else as well. Last time he let his focus slip on a job like this the photographer spent 45 minutes shooting a set with an empty camera before the slip was caught. No way he was going to let that happen today, he wanted this day over. As the last shots are taken he can feel the tension build in the room, then pass into relief as finally at long last the photographer makes the wrap call and everyone bursts into spontaneous applause out of joy that the day is finally over. It dies quickly and as everyone slowly filters out he braces himself for what he knows is coming next. ?Jay, you and Liz take down the set and pack up the gear, I?m heading back to the studio now. I want to get this film into the Fed Ex box ASAP. I?ll see you 2 back in the studio once you?re done.? ?Fucking typical,? he said under his breath, ?It takes a professional to put a bunch of film into an envelope, seal it, address it, and drop it into a box.? He was used to the photographer skipping out when there was manual labor to be done, he?d been assisting with him for the last 4 years and knew the routine by heart, but Liz was a new facet being added to the mix, and he still wasn?t sure how he felt about it.

They?d taken Liz as an intern a couple months ago, originally she was supposed to be office help, but she was a photography student and he knew that wouldn?t be long before she?d be on set. Sure enough, after a couple months she was working as 2^nd assistant on the shoots and he had to admit, there were advantages to having her around. She was smart and though green at 20yo, she learned quickly and the extra pair of hands had been appreciated. She also came with the added benefit of being a very cute, of medium size and very good shape with the most attractive combination of flame red hair, jade green eyes and a darker skin tone that allowed her to tan, and tan well. She dressed like a tomboy, but with an intentional style that was unmistakably feminine. She had walked in off the street looking to assist, and walked out the same day as an unpaid intern with her foot in the door and that?s all she needed. In the battle of office personalities she had taken the role of fawning admirer when it came to the photographer, but after seeing a couple shoots like today?s, he had noticed she was getting to the point where the sun wasn?t so bright in her eyes and he she was starting to see how things actually worked. With him she had taken a different tack and had taken the role of the consummate tease and flirt, and this was where having Liz around was going to become a problem.

It had started innocently enough; curiosity about his personal life, gentle teasing, sexual innuendo dropping here and there. He told her just enough to get through the questioning without telling her a thing, he fielded the teasing and gave it back 2 fold, and he side stepped the innuendo without falling into it. But instead of satisfying her curiosity, it emboldened her to the point that now she was just flat out blunt in her flirtations. She was a girl used to getting her way, and she wasn?t getting her way, instead of taking it as a letdown, she was taking it as a challenge. He liked that about her, a lot, but the reality of the situation was not lost to him, and though he allowed himself to enjoy making her crazy, he wouldn?t allow himself the pleasure of taking it beyond that. There was too much at stake, too much to lose, he had worked too hard to get to the place he was professionally, and worked harder to keep his lifestyle outside of work from bleeding into it. He?d seen first hand how people?s professional opinions can change once they find out you have a penchant for binding your partner into knots and spanking them into another world. He couldn?t afford to let it happen at this job, so he had made the conscious decision to not let it happen at this job, and for the last 4 years it hadn?t been a problem, until now.

As he stands there watching everyone flee the room he feels her come to his side, ?Looks like it?s you and me again kid, we got to stop meeting like this?, she purrs and gives him a playful hip check as she turns to the task at hand. ?Of all the gin joints in all the world,? he responds as he starts doing the same. Soon they fall into the comfortable routine they have polished on past shoots; her reading off the packing list for each bag, him breaking down each piece as she calls it out and stows it in its proper bag and her checking it off the list as he does. As he closes the clasp on the final hard case, he lays it down on its side and sits heavily on it, intent on 2 minutes of peace before pressing forward, and as soon as he does it he knows he?s not going to get it. ?Scooch over there if we?re taking a break I?m sitting,? she announces and settles herself down next to him on the case. He feels her looking at him and turns his gaze to the floor, ?You tired?? she asks. ?I?m old,? he answers as he starts to take off the equipment belt he wears during shoots. ?Don?t say that stupid, you?re not old. I?d go out with you anytime you wanted,? she responds leaning into him on the last part for emphasis. Her scent washes over him and he enjoys it for a moment before catching himself drinking it in. ?I?m too old, too ugly, and too weird for you kiddo, you wouldn?t want to go out with someone like me. The fantasy is far better than the reality you?d find,? he says and stands trying to put as much distance between himself and the conversation as he is distance between himself and her, it doesn?t work. ?Oh come on, please don?t make me beg,? she says teasingly, not realizing what she?s just said. Slowly he closes his eyes, breathes deep and exhales and through the fog he hears his voice speak, ?Liz, what makes you think that?s not exactly what I want to hear from you??

She responds with silence, all encompassing silence. He stands there, eyes closed, listening to himself breathe, cursing his own weakness and racking his brain for a way out of this one. Finally she speaks, with a tone so pleading that it instantly makes him hard, ?Please???? stop teasing me like this. It makes me so crazy it hurts. What is it about me that you don?t like?? His eyes open instantly, he turns and looks at her still sitting on the case, but now she sits with her knees tucked into her, her green eyes looking into his. He wonder?s if she?s not still playing with him and sees only one way to find out, slowly he says, ?Come here,? and watches as she stands and walks to him, all her sass now long gone. She comes within arms reach then stops and stands before him, seemingly daring him to try in some psychological game of chicken. In one smooth motion he reaches out quickly and grabs a handful of long red hair from the back of her head and pulls her into him, she comes with no fight. With his free arm he holds her close to him while he pulling her head back, forcing her to look in his eyes while exposing her neck and he whispers, ?Elizabeth, this is a little taste of who I am, and I?m sure you can guess a bit more from that. It?s not for you and I can?t afford to let people I work with, people whose money I need to live, know what I do in my bedroom. That has the potential of fucking with my money, and I can?t afford to have them fucking with my money. This is why I?ve kept you at a distance, not to tease you, not to be mean, it?s just self preservation.? She doesn?t miss a beat, she just looks into his eyes and responds, ?Jay, this is you, this is who you are, I just want to know that person. You think I?m not attracted to that? I work with you every day; you think I don?t see it? Do you really think we all don?t see it? Don?t fool yourself; you don?t hide it well, especially when you?re working and I?m glad you don?t. I know too many boys who hide in themselves; you can?t even when you try.? He feels her words more than he hears them and reacts without thought pulling her lips to his he kisses her hard, without releasing his grip. As they embrace he hears her start to whimper slightly and feels the strength slowly ebb from her body as she slowly falls into his kiss, before it ends he?s holding all her weight in his arms. He closes his eyes and breathes in her scent again, drinking it in.

?So what do you think? Are you going to keep on teasing me or are we going out sometime?? He opens his eyes and sees her where he left her last, sitting on the equipment hard case and busting his balls. Laughing at himself he turns quickly, starts gathering the bags lying on the floor about him and saying, ?Naw, how could I do that and still be your boss in the morning? Plus, you?re too quick for me? I couldn?t keep up. Come on now, start grabbing bags and let?s get the hell out of here, I need my beauty sleep.? He hears her giggling behind him as she gets up she starts grabbing the bags nearest to her and says, ?Yea, you?re probably right on that. You do need your beauty sleep and your probably couldn?t keep up anyway old man.? ?Exactly?, he answers as he mentally starts counting the money he made today.

Want

There?s been more than one person who has contacted me over the last couple months, commenting on the fact that I?ve left out of my profile the checklist of activities I am into in regards to D/S, and I have only slightly touched on it in the text of my profile. There?s a couple reasons why I?ve left that out, the easiest explanation being that I prefer talking about these things face to face far more than I like typing it all out. You lose so much in text; facial expressions, nuisances in speech, blushes, uneasy giggles, why would you want to lose that by typing it all out? That to me is part of the whole experience of a new partner, things like that set memories, and memories bring people together. I rather my memories be made in the real world, than remembrances of writing these things to someone. It lessens the experience, and the possibilities. Does that mean I won?t speak of these things online in text? No of course not. I have, will and do, but I?m not going to give too much away, there?s going to be far more you?ll learn and get from me in person, than you will in text, and I will never let it come close to falling into cyber sex. That?s the easy answer; the not easy answer is going to take a bit longer to explain.

I get why people want these things listed out for them online or in real life. Many people out here are looking for specifics, things to be black and white, and they want the lists to match up. I don?t believe things are that black and white in anything, especially D/S, and when you set things that firmly in stone, you can?t let possibly let anything grow, so I choose not to limit myself by listing it all out. In my opinion its far better to go into a D/S relationship with an open mind and let the relationship dictate the activities that happen, and when they happen, than go into it with a checklist of expectations and a timeline of when they will happen. I think if you go into anything with preconceived notions it limits the possibilities of both the people you will meet, and the amount the relationship will grow before it goes stale. The fact is I believe my interests in D/S are so wide ranging that most will fall happily within that spectrum of interests and desires. For me it?s far more important to know your limits and hold to your limits, as they will tell you who?s right for you and who?s not far better than common interests will. Common interests tell you what a person wants, limits tell you who a person is. I want to know who a person is first, and then explore what they think they want after. I say what they ?think? they want not to be derogatory, but to acknowledge that things change when new people come into another?s life, expectations change, and as a submissive falls further into her submission, desires to please their partner grows with trust. That goes on at both sides of the relationship, especially as trust grows. Once I can truly trust, I?m far more comfortable in taking a partner to new levels and new places in our relationship, places I could never take a person I didn?t know. Knowing who a person is will get me to trust far better than knowing what they fantasize about doing. Does this mean I don?t have any criteria when it comes to choosing a partner? No, in fact far from it, I have specific criteria that I look for when it comes to potential partners, sometimes I think a standard that may be set far too high, but one that I know I can?t change no matter how I wish to try. Most of those things I know, and could list out if I wanted to pigeon hole myself into a corner, but I don?t. I don?t want to give some people the ability to just tell me what they think I want to hear rather than the reality of what is, and I don?t want to limit the experience of the give and take of talking about it with a potential partner by spelling it all out. It shouldn?t be easy, as anything worth while never is.

I know that tells you what I think, and gives no specifics as to what interests me and that?s how I want it. Those of you who know me well enough know that nothing with me comes easy. Best I can tell you is to read my profile, there?s a lot of information there in the text and between the lines. And if all else fails, try the novel idea of asking me directly, unlike many out here I want a curious partner and I never refuse a direct question from a legitimate source.

Ego vs Undomly

I know I?ve said this before, but one of the coolest things about doing these blogs is the ability to touch a large group of people with minimal effort on my part. I mean of course it takes effort to write each piece, but once it?s done and posted, if it?s good, it works on its own. You get to reach a lot of people you normally wouldn?t have contact with, some identify with what I have to say, others don?t, but it provokes conversation where a one or two sentence profile or blog posting doesn?t. You get a lot of opinions, from all over the spectrum, some affirm, some oppose, some add to the discussion, others don?t. By sitting here in the catbird seat I get the rare opportunity to read through it and disseminate it all. I get to spot common threads of thought that like minds share, similar ways people interpret the subject de jour. I look for those common threads, and take quick note when I see them because there is a truth there that I want to understand. Most of the time it?s easy as 99% of them tend too back up what I?m talking about, or identify with what I?ve said. Even better is when others see things I missed, it adds to the conversation, adds to my ideas, and sometimes even goes so far as to change the way I see a subject. Of course you also get the ones that are just wrong, so off the mark that you know they don?t get it and never will. But every so often I run into a common thread that I don?t understand, or don?t necessarily agree with fully. Sometimes its things I feel are being misunderstood or misinterpreted, perhaps due to the way I worded something I wrote, or that I may not have given enough info for people to make an accurate call, so they do the best with what they got. It doesn?t happen often, most who take the time to read my stuff have proven themselves to be pretty smart cookies, but when it happens it always spawns a new thought tangent and blog topic, as it has this week in a blog I?m calling ?Ego vs Undomly?.

This idea?s sprung up over the course of a month or two after I began getting a number of comments on my attitude in my blogs. The bulk of them came from submissives telling me they liked the fact that I was unafraid to tackle topics that some would consider ?Undomly?, or they liked the fact that my writings were so down to earth without the ?I?m a DOM? song and dance. Other, less affirming comments took the opposite view and thought my ?Undomly? attitude was unbecoming for a professed Dominant. Whatever way the comments took their form, all used the word ?Undomly? or other like terms in their comments to me. It caused me to start to ponder if what I was writing or how I was writing it should be considered ?Undomly?. Is there such a thing? If there is am I guilty of it? I knocked the idea around a bit before I finally got a hand on it, but once I did I came to realize that it?s not a lack of dominance these people are seeing, rather it?s a lack of ego they are seeing and for lack of a better term they call it ?Undomly?.

I understand where this is coming from, especially when you think of it in terms of the norm in D/S and on the internet. We all see the braggarts out there filling their profiles and blogs with overemphasized bravado. From what I?ve learned, most submissives that use the internet as a way to connect deal with it in almost every e-mail they open that?s sent to them from a dominant. They come to expect the Dom act, and once you start to expect something it?s become your norm. When you come in contact with something that?s out of that norm you can?t find a column and place to file it in your brain so for lack of a better way to describe you call it ?Undomly?. But to me, dominance and ego are not one in the same and they don?t walk hand in hand. One does not need to have ego to have dominance, ego isn?t a requirement for dominance as I see it, it may be a preference to some, but it?s not a necessity. But how many people have we all come across out here that are all ego and it?s the dominance that?s lacking? How many people have we met that have said they were this, or said they were that, and then never delivered? That?s not the type of person I am and not the way I want to be known, in whatever medium you meet me in, be it online or in person. I?ve spent most of my adult life trying to purge that form of ego from myself, and railing against it when I see it in others. It?s why I feel my stuff gets so much attention online; it makes me stand out as a refreshing cut above the internet norm. (Ooooops, excuse me, my ego was showing, not totally purged yet.)

To be up front, ego and I have a long history with each other. My late teens and early twenties were spent battling a rich family?s ego, and that struggle shaped a lot of who I am today. It?s not that I don?t have an ego, far from it, what I don?t want is to have false ego, or ego that?s used to blur the realities of who I am. I find a lot of people?s ego, especially online, is in fact just bravado. It?s just talk, and talk is cheap. Most of the time that bravado and inflated ego is just being used to mask the realities of who a person really is, and isn?t. I don?t think that just because one identifies themselves in the dominant role makes them infallible, or means they have it all together. I know a lot of people, from all over the spectrum of human experience, and I don?t know anyone who has it all together. So when I see a profile or a blog from one who feels they do, I just want to poke holes in it cause I know its false. I?m not here to blur the realities of who and what I am, especially when it comes to potential partners. I don?t do bravado, I do reality. I don?t want a potential partner to know the fake me, but the real me, with all my accomplishments and failings. I?m human, we all are human, I?m not superhuman, and I don?t know any superhumans. I make bad calls, I make mistakes, when I do I admit them and I own them. I don?t gloss them over to look better in someone?s eyes, because eventually they will all come out into the light. It?s the difference of wanting to be seen as honest or a liar. I?m hyper critical of myself, and very self debasing. I?m cautious in relationships and even when I am, I still can?t help wearing my heart on my sleeve. When I give my trust to a partner, I can be hurt by them. I want to love, not to be some stand off type Dom or one who objectifies and I?m not going to wrap that all up and hide it in some stupid ?ME DOM? song and dance. I don?t need the affirmations for me to know what I am, I don?t need a sub to call me sir, or master, or lord, every time they see me to make me feel I?m a dominant. When you are, you are, when you have it with someone, you know it, and you don?t need the hype. I don?t need the bravado to impress people, who and what I am is more than enough, and if I do need inflated ego to impress a certain submissive, then I know that submissive isn?t the right partner for me. My goal with my blogs is to give as accurate an image of who I am and how I think, without any added bells and whistles, the real me, not some fantasy image of how I see myself. It?s all out there on the table, unfiltered, without ego, for you to judge, in your own terms and decide for yourself if it?s a style of dominance that?s worthy of you, or not.

Gotta Go, Gotta Go, Gotta Go!

As I?ve been dancing around this topic for the last couple of months I figure its time to just write the thing and get it out of the way. My problem is I?m one supersticious son of a bitch and tend to put a mojo on myself when it comes to my hopes for the future. A strange self imposed taboo thing that if I speak about my plans, the gods will catch wind and start throwing wrenches into the mix. Yes, yes, yes, I know we all make our own luck and superstition is for those who don?t know any better, unfortunately I inherited the ?expect the worst? gene from my mom, which makes that old habit die very hard in me. Now that I think I have enough of the bases covered I guess it?s time to let Murphy?s Law take its best shot. So that being said, after living in this place for the last 6 years, I?ve finally bit the bullet and have gone ?roommate free?, as of June 1^st I?m out of here and moving in my own space.

I know this isn?t huge news for most, people move every day. Hell I?ve been moving up and down the east coast for years. But I?ve always had at least one roommate milling around somewhere; friends, girlfriends, strangers, family, there?s always been someone there. This is the first time I?ve ever wanted or could afford a place to myself, and I have to admit the feelings are mixed. I?ve been really happy here, I love my roommates, but I sort of have to, cause they are family and she is my sister. Our tale is an odd one. When I graduated college I was living about as far off the grid as a person can get. Robert Maplethorp was once asked to sum up his time in college; he said it could be boiled down to the weekly choice of spending this week?s $50 on film or food. That describes my last couple years in college pretty accurately. Boston?s a great town, if you can afford it, if you can?t its a bit less fun. By the time I graduated I was thoroughly fed up with hustling for cash every day and just wanted to get out of town. I graduated at 5PM, my parents took me out to dinner at 6PM, and I was gone by 7PM with U-haul trailer in tow. Of course I made the brilliant choice of moving back to the area I grew up; you know what they say about going home again.

I moved to a little town on the top of a mountain, about as in the middle of nowhere as you can get. It was literally a 45 minute drive, one way, just to go to the corner store for bread and milk. And that?s exactly the reason I moved there, the appeal of living so far away from people after living so close to them in Boston was strong. A couple friends had been renting this great house, built in 1715, 3 floors, 8 rooms, a barn, all for $500 a month. The house leaned to the left, every floor in every room was tilted in one direction or another, we used propane to cook and heat the hot water, wood stoves to heat the house and to top it off the place was built in the middle of a cow pasture, how can you go wrong with that? They were musicians and it was the perfect place for them to practice, along with anyone else who owned a guitar. There were tour vans or busses always parked out front, a party every night, and in my opinion just the right place to be out of college. I set up my own darkroom, got an easy gig managing a small studio, took to traipsing around the woods with my camera and doing nothing much else. Six months later, while at work, I take a call, ?Dude, you better come back home. The house is on fire.?, and so it was. By the time I got there the fire in chimney of one of the wood stoves had gotten to the house, got to the propane tank and blew half the house away. As I pulled up everyone; friends, landlord, police, fire fighters, were standing around watching the rest burn, wasn?t anything else anyone could do. Instantly homeless.

What does one do when one is instantly homeless? Call mom of course. That got the phone tree going and before I know it my sister S. is on the phone and demanding I come up to NH. It was one of those moments when life was making the right decisions for everyone, even though you don?t know it at the time. She was alone in NH, and was getting tired shuffling through roommates, she had an extra room and I guess I was the perfect choice, but it was hard to see how. S. supported me for almost a year while I got myself back on my feet, then the company she worked for went under, and I was there to return the favor. She got back on her feet again, fell in love, got engaged, got married, and I made plans to move out, and move on. Life had its own ideas. S.?s hubby had moved in with us while I was looking for a new place, then 2 weeks later he got laid off. So I stayed to help out with the bills, he found a new job and then she lost hers again, and I stayed. Next thing you know I turn around and its 6 years later. The apartment seems like its getting smaller, little things start to bother, you get tired of people walking in at inopportune times when they should be at work. You realize its time, everyone realizes its time, but no one wants to say its time, no one wants to break the mold. Then life does it for you, in the best way life knows how, with a new life. Having a baby is changing S., I think changing her for the better, she has a focus now that she needed, a reason to go out and do something, to buy a home, to be a mom. Hopefully its doing me some good too, I think it is, I got used to having them around, used to our situation, but its time, my time, and I?m excited about that.

So at the end of the month, I do the big move and finally settle into my own place. It?s a small one bedroom, about 5 minutes away from where I live now. It?s not the Bellagio It?s one small apartment in a big complex of apartments and has about as much charm as Russian state housing, but its mine, I can easily afford it, still live somewhat princely, and I?m located where I need to be for my work, so all in all I?m pleased. I?ll miss this place, miss the people, miss always having someone around to talk to, miss my morning swims at 5am in the lake out back, miss the owl that hoots at my window at night. But life is telling me to move on and move on I shall. I have a new space to make mine, it has new memories to make for me, and that?s cool. It?s not forever, but it?s a start, a good place to lay low a couple of years, pay down my loans, and look toward that loft space I?ve always wanted. I?ll be off the grid for a while, for those who keep score, should take a couple of days to settle in and set up. Wish me luck. Yes, I know superstition again, but then there?s always the ways I haven?t thought of for the gods to screw the pooch.

Art Smarts?

Like everything else in my life, this whole blog thing is becoming an exercise in introspection for me. I originally meant to write this post last week but once I started writing it, it morphed itself into what it became and the original message was moved to the backburner. This all happened pretty much subconsciously, I mean at some point I realized that I was losing the original message, but I let it go. While writing this week I find myself looking back on last weeks post and asking why? Was it a lack of focus? Was what I wrote on last week coming back to bite me on the ass? Or was there a method to the madness? One thing I know about myself from checking the unconscious decisions I make, is I have a good idea on how my brain is ordered. There?s always a reason, all be it sometimes not the best reason, but always a reason that tips the balance. It?s not lack of focus, for me the focus in my blogs comes from the doing. The act of doing it each week is where the focus lies, not in the topics I write on. If I didn?t have the flexibility of thought to change things up, or let things play out as they do, I couldn?t enjoy the process as I do. So I started looking to the writing to find the reason, and I think I thunk it all out.

My original plan was to speak about the MFA, share some tips I?ve learned about museums and viewing art you like. I think unconsciously I needed to set a basis to be able to talk on the subject. A bit of a primer for the reader giving an idea of where the info comes from. As I want to write a blog that?s somewhat easily dealt with, I chose to chop it into 2 parts, last weeks and today?s (actually it almost became 3, but I backspaced it out, a blog about art directors can come another day). So as I said last week, I?ve spent a lot of time in museums, the MFA in particular. They can be a great place to lose yourself if you love art, especially a good museum, with good art, and Boston has a couple really good museums, old museums, with a lot of stuff to see. Now I have to admit, I had a little better access to the museum than most of the general public gets. Just having a free pass to the place is invaluable; you can go in at your leisure or on a whim. I used to go into the place for hours, or for mere minutes. Add to that the fact that a number of my teachers at MassArt also curate for the MFA, gave me a foot in the door; I could get pieces brought out of storage to view, or go back into the restoration dept to talk to photo restorer?s, just stuff most people can?t normally do there. Hell one night at an opening I even pulled off having sex in the sculpture garden, which I still consider one of the crowning achievements of my time in college. So with this Huck Finn/Hawkeye Pierce type attitude that I had regarding the place, I impart a couple tips to my reader?s in the hopes that it helps their own experiences.

The first and worst thing you?re going to have to deal with is the public. Your other art lovers are going to do everything in the book to piss you off. You?ll run into rolling roadblocks of the aged and infirm out on an afternoon pass, or kids there on field trip?s from school, interested in everything but what?s on the walls. One of the problems with big museums is they are set up to flow people easily thru the space?s without human log jams. It becomes a problem when you run into people like this, if you follow the galleries flow pattern you?re going to be shuffled along with them and you?ll have to deal with them in every room you enter. There?s nothing worse when you?re trying to concentrate on what you?re seeing than having to deal with people like that. So I recommend using driving rules when you?re in a museum. If you run into the running roadblock of old people. Wait and find a good place to make a pass; find a piece of art that you?re not interested in coming up and when the old folks stop to look at it, leapfrog over them and leave them in the dust, once your past them they rarely are able to catch up. With kids it?s different, they are usually bearing down on you from behind, the museum equivalent of tailgating, and there?s nothing worse than trying to view a piece with someone trying to make you move. With people like this, pull over and let them pass, just step back in front of the piece you want to view and let them play on thru. Usually they go quickly and by the time you get to the next room they are already out of sight. On rare occasions you?ll get stuck in some kind of group trip/tourist trip/guided tour. Stay away from these at all costs. You get wrapped up in one of these your done for, your best bet is get out and just go to the opposite end of the museum and start there.

When you go, plan your time. If you show up there on a Saturday at 1pm, expect to deal with crowds, a lot of crowds. If you have to go on a weekend day, go early, get there when the doors open, by the time the crowds get there you?re halfway thru. Or better yet, go on a weekday morning. There?s no one there and you can usually look at your leisure, which is really the only way to experience a museum.

If you spend a lot of time in front of a certain piece, expect to run into others who want to do the same, especially when it comes to important pieces. This can go good or bad, it?s all about mood that determines the outcome of this interaction. Sometimes a person can have a mind to want to be alone while viewing a piece, so if you have that in you, or the other person(s) do, it can lead to a strange game of chicken, kind of like when your at Blockbuster and there?s a person in front of the section the movie you want is in. Play it cool, and NEVER back down. On the other hand, if you?re in a sharing mood it?s a great way to meet people, especially cute art history majors.

My last tip is for those traveling exhibitions that come and go thru the MFA. These shows aren?t put on from the pieces the MFA owns. These shows are put on a lot like rock concerts; some museum pulls together a show and then sends it out to go on tour, and it goes from museum to museum usually over a couple years time. Everyone makes money and you get to see a lot of art you normally would only get to see by traveling to the museum where the pieces are. The problem with these is they are a total cattle call; it?s just a mob, totally insane. They pack you in a group, and you wait for your time to go in, at the correct time, they drop the rope and off you all go, all at once. You can?t see a damn thing in that mass, let alone appreciate anything. In this case, you really need to be at the head of the line. Right up front up against the rope. When your there waiting find the seating in the gallery, that?s your spot. Every museum provides benches here and there in each room, usually in the middle, for older folk and for art history majors. As soon as the rope drops make a b line straight for the bench, and stay there, let the room clear out. I guarantee you, in 15 minutes that room will clear and you?ll be able to stroll at your leisure. During the Monet exhibition it worked so well I was able to spend an amazing amount of time, totally alone, with the greatest masterpieces the man ever painted. The crowd just flew thru it, we let them pass and then we were alone, just us, the guards and some of the most amazing art ever produced. It doesn?t ever get any better than that.

Focus and Lack there of.

I?m one of those people who tend to lose themselves in things, especially those things that interest me. If I get to that place where something interests me enough, it becomes total focus, to the point that I blot out things I see as mundane or less important. A good example of this is me in a bookstore. I get lost in bookstores, a dull glaze goes over my eyes and I?m gone. I?ve been told a number of times I?m like a 1o year old in that respect.  People lose me and find me an hour later sitting on the floor somewhere going thru books. It can at times be a bad habit, especially when it comes to people who interest me, as I tend to lose myself in them as well. And the truth is, there are some people out there that don?t deserve you losing yourself in them. There?s people out there that can?t handle that kind of focus on them for one reason or another, and can?t or won?t appreciate a person who does it. Many people kid themselves into thinking that?s what they want, until it?s focused on them. Then the realities of that kind of attention come clear and they realize it?s not for them, or the attention from you isn?t for them. It happens, it sucks, it hurts, and that?s life. Not everyone deserves your focus, even if at the time it seems that they do. Its part of what makes a person worthy for you, or not, and if they aren?t you got to be able to deal, or it will eat you up. I do my best to not let that eat me up, some days are better than others, but I do my best.

I like the fact that I can give my all to something, be it a person, or an interest. To be able to have total focus on something for me is a gift. Not all see it that way, but that?s cool. They don?t have to, and most of the people who don?t you find can?t do it themselves, so how can they understand it in you. Not everyone can be Michael Jordon. Not that I think my focus, let alone my talent is anywhere near that level. If it was I?d be living in a great loft in SoHo, and not here in NH. But, I do understand it, and can appreciate it, in others, as well as in myself. It helps if you have a talent, be it athletic or anything else, to be able to focus on. It?s that focus, or lack there of, that can make or break a person. In whatever you do, wherever that focus falls, whatever talents you possess. I didn?t always have it, or always have control over it; age can sometimes impart control over things in you that you didn?t always have as a kid. Age gave me some control over that focus. When I was a kid it was unfocused focus, it was wavering from sports to music to girls, to sex, to general trouble and mayhem. I never realized what it was. All I knew is when I sunk my teeth into something I did it. Regardless of what that thing I bit may have been. I dug my feet in and submerged myself in it. Again this in itself isn?t a bad thing, but better when you have control over whom and what you submerge yourself in. Age gave me that ability to a certain extent, at least gave me some wisdom to choose the right thing to focus on most of the time. I still have trouble with women; we all have our cross to bear. But I got it right with art.

I always had the talent. I knew that from the start. As a kid I was always drawing something, helping someone with an album cover or a flyer. When I was a freshman in high school I made an exact copy of our schools report card. Cut and pasted together by hand, no scanners or computers in those days. For my sophomore, junior and senior years my parents never got a real report card, just my version of it. Even when my sister started in H/S, the copy was so good they never had a clue it wasn?t legit. But like a dumb kid, it never registered. I graduated and worked for 6 years before I realized I was wasting that talent, and when I realized it I focused it on college. So at 22 went back to school doing the community college thing. I worked fulltime nights and went to school fulltime days. After 2 years of that I moved to Boston to a 4 year school and did that too. It was in Boston that I put a term to my focus. It was there that I saw it for what it was. Saw where I had it as a kid and never realized it. It was always that thing that made me odd. It was only then that I realized that odd may not be such a bad thing, that everyone has their own interpretation of what odd is. In truth I didn?t see it in me until someone else pointed it out. I think a lot of times our own oddness is like that. Like our own stink, we rarely see it, or smell it until someone else notices it. In college we had free access to the MFA in Boston. Hell it was right next door to the school. And like bookstores, I pass thru the door, the glaze hits and I?m off to the races, only to be found 2 hours later in a corner of the museum with my face about an inch away from some painting. People found that odd, but in that environment, that atmosphere of an art college, it was superhuman odd, and not crazy odd. I could and have spent 12 hours at a shot in that museum; nearly 4 hours alone spent hovering over the Jackson Pollack. But it wasn?t till someone pointed it out that I saw it, and seeing it is most of the battle. Once you see it for what it is, what it is for you, you own it, and once you own it, it stops being odd. It goes from being a weird trait, to being at its essence who you are. And once it?s who you are. You can?t be anything else but.

A Normal Blog?

?Why don?t you do a normal blog instead of the crap you write about??

Ah you have to love people on the internet. Anonymity, like beer, emboldens the meek. Tho it does make me think on exactly what a normal blog is, let alone an abnormal one, which to some mine seems to be. It?s funny how sometimes a simple, mundane, uninspired, hack comment can be the start of a path to inspiration. So let?s try a normal blog this week, or at least an abnormal person?s idea of what a normal blog is. But what to write on? What?s considered normal these days? I thought of doing a bashing of this whole American Idol thing, but I?ve never seen an episode of it, so talking on it could be a slippery slope to travel. In truth, I don?t even have cable TV, which limits my talking points on the subject to the news or PBS, and I don?t think a blog on Sesame Street is what some may consider normal, even if I may like the idea in the inner reaches of my mind. So what else? Music? No. I?m too old to talk on music, and far too opinionated. Doing so would make me look even crankier than I already do, if that?s possible. Politics? Hmmmm politics. I?ve been saving this one up for a rainy day, seems apropos to drop this bomb now, so politics it is.

First a disclaimer; I don?t vote, in fact I?ve never voted. I?ve never even registered to vote anywhere, for anything.  Well that?s not true, in first grade I voted for Gerald Ford in our elementary school election because I thought he was the guy who built the cars and my dad was a Ford guy. So of course he was the right choice. When Ford lost to Carter in the actual election (Ford won the school election) I was, well, I won?t dramatize and say I was devastated, but it bothered me that he lost. And there in a neat little childhood bundle is the basis of my problem with politics. You can get duped far too easily, and then you feel like a fool for being duped so easily. I felt this back then in 1^st grade. I really thought our little school election was the real thing and I felt put on. He won, but he lost, say nothing of the fact that I won, then lost the ability to vote at 6 years old and that?s a pisser. Now looking back on it I realize I was also duped in the traditional political way as well. I voted for a name. Now I know who and what Ford was and wasn?t and I admire the guy?s wife more. In my opinion now, Carter was the right one to win. He should have at least got a shot at doing something good, he was never allowed the chance by those at home and those abroad. That?s what u get for voting for a name.

Ultimately I believe a person actively seeking that kind of power, makes them unworthy of having it. Anyone who wants that kind of control over people is the last one you want to give that control to, whether they are elected or not. Think of it in different terms, D/S terms. Is a choice between Dom Larry, Dom Moe, Dom Curly and Dom Shep a real choice? Just because they put their name on your dance card does that make them a good dancer? Does it make them worthy? You already know the answer to this in D/S terms, why does it get all eschewed when it comes to politics? When you find out your Dom lied to you what do you do? So why is it different when our politicians do it? Because they don?t share our beds their lies are less? Well we may not share our beds with them but by voting for them we become their bedfellows all the same. Just not in the fun sense. So what do we do when they lie to us? Nothing. Because it was our choice, or your choice I should say, that put them in charge, and their repercussions only come every 4 years. Doesn?t it feel special when you know you?ve screwed yourself? Must cause we keep on doing it. Let?s take our current frat boy Commander and Chief as an example. Anyone remember Bush?s first day in office? Does anyone remember Ari Fleisher?s first news conference on the first day of Bush?s first term? Where he comes out to talk to the media after the Bush people took possession of the White House and claimed the Clinton people trashed all the staffer?s offices and left porn on White House computers. Did anyone actually believe that? How many out there have fishing hooks in their lips? In his very first news conference they lied. That never happened; it was another of Bush?s frat boy moves. If it were true, do you not think Karl Rove wouldn?t have run with that for all it was worth? And now 6 years later we?re all so surprised by everything else that went on? The lies they?ve told and the people who died for them. MMMMMMM how?s that vote feel now? Anyone want to claim Kerry or Gore would do any better? We?ll never know but I doubt it, they have their own lies, just on the other side of the scale. I don?t vote because I don?t want the consequences of that choice on my conscious. What do you think would happen if there was an election and no one came? What kind of message do you think that would send? That?s why I don?t vote, to me a choice between the lesser of 2 evils isn?t a choice, it?s settling for something less. I don?t settle for something less. I?m saving my vote for someone who deserves it.

An F.A.Q. Page on Me.

I?ve had a lot of interest and comments made to me about the blogs I?ve been writing lately. As usual, the vast majority of these have been positive and supportive, which is very much appreciated. Odd as it seems to me, it looks like I have several regular readers of my rants out there, which is as strange a feeling as it is flattering. Of course there are always those who comment from the opposite end of the ?Love my Blog?s? spectrum, which online I guess is to be expected. When one opens themselves up as much as I try to in my blog?s, you also open yourself up to the hacks and haters who are lurking out there in cyberspace. These are the people who have a hard time being honest themselves, it stands to reason they can?t handle it when others try to be honest about who they are. Anyone with any experience online knows that you will always have these petty people out there trying to bust your bubble; it just goes with the territory. This brings us to one of the greatest things about blog writing, the fact that you have a built in forum to answer some of the questions asked of you, as well as a pulpit to respond to some of the criticisms made of you. So that being said, I?m going to use this week?s blog entry to answer and address some of these, another blog on my blog, or for our purposes this time, an F.A.Q. about me.

Several people have noticed that in the last couple of months I?ve ramped my blog writing up a couple notches. That I?m putting a little more thought and effort into what I write and have wondered what the catalyst for this was. My initial reasoning for doing this is pretty simple and straight forward; a woman I was involved with, who considered herself a bit of a writer, did something to piss me off, then chose to snipe at me in her blog for being pissed off. This provoked, in my opinion, an appropriate written response (see blog entry from 2/28 titled Is This You?) Doing that had 2 consequences; the first being that the one who chose to hurt me, then attack me, has since shut down being at or posting blogs anywhere I may be or may find them, which is perfectly OK by me. The 2^nd consequence was the realization, that I could write fairly well, and more importantly, I enjoyed what I was writing and found others out there did too. It?s gratifying to know you can write better than some, without even trying, and inspiring to know that others identify with what you?re saying. As I said before, that?s enough reason for me to keep at it and to keep myself improving it. So for those who enjoy, stay tuned.

Next some have noticed that I am usually online daily, those on collarme in particular have seen me online there at the top of the page all morning, and assume I am in constant chat with my online harem. In truth that?s a bit of an illusion, what I do when I turn on my computer every morning is open up a browser screen to collarme, and then set my browser to auto refresh the page every 15 minutes. So it may seem to some that I?m on collarme, when in fact I?m probably doing something else. As collarme doesn?t have a method to let people know who?s online, that?s my solution and of course it never hurts to know I?m always on top.

Lastly, I?ve had a number of the haters out there use the term ?a romantic? to sum me up in what they see as a derogatory way, insinuating that this is a weakness on my part. If in being a romantic they mean that I choose to have meaning to my relationships that goes above and beyond sex, then yes, I admit I am guilty as charged. I don?t do sex for sex sake. I have to have a connection that goes beyond sex for me to become involved with a submissive. Does that mean that if a pretty sub offers herself up to me that I?ll take a pass? No. I?m still male, and if it?s offered, I will take it if there?s an attraction. But it?s not going to have meaning for me, and that ultimately is where I need to be to consider someone for my collar. And yes, ultimately that?s what I?m out here looking for; someone who has meaning to me that goes beyond a sexual act. I?m not looking for the conventional sub or slave. I?m not looking for the walking tackle box and tattoo canvas type sub whose whole identity is wrapped up into this costume party they present to the world. I don?t need a doormat who does whatever they are told whenever they are told to do it, by anyone who wants to do the telling. It?s much more satisfying for me to have a wolf in sheep?s clothing, someone in who D/S is not a total sum of their parts, but a part of their whole, someone in who I can aspire for better things, beyond just being a ?good sub?. I need facets, a person with many facets and with the potential for more facets to be cut. And if this makes me a romantic, then so be it.

Res Ipsa Liqitor

While we?re on the Topic of Consumption.

A Little Trivial Info on Friday the 13th

As i haven't written in a while, and as things in my life are in such limbo that my superstitious self tells me that if i start speaking on them its gonna jinx something, so with that and those topics blocked to me, by me, I think I'll just pass along the story of how Friday the 13th came to be a day that brings with it overtones of dread.

The date, September 1307. The king of France, Philip IV issues a secret proclamation to his baillis and seneschals throughout France, all to be opened simultaneously on Friday, October 13th 1307. In these are secret orders to arrest all the Templar Knights in France and hold them for papal trial, secure their arms and armor, and seize all Templar properties and holdings in the name of the King of France. Knights throughout France are arrested and jailed on various charges, many to be eventually burned at the stake. All because the king owed them money. The moral of this story, don't ever loan money to your friends, or your boss for that matter.

I Knew the Bride when she used to Rock and Roll

I was reading a book review the other day on a book about the National Lampoon movies, Animal House and Caddyshack. The book boiled down to a behind the scenes, tell all about the weirdness that went on during the filming of those movies. Not much in the review stood out as anything new as far as gossip goes, it seemed to be another rehashing of the stories I?ve heard about the late 70?s and that crowd; excessive drink, excessive drugs, excessive sex, excess gone wild. Truthfully, it wouldn?t have been something that attracted my attention but for the fact that I have an oddball connection to those movies that made the review stand out. Halfway thru the review, they quote the author, where he?s asked if looking back now that the book was finished was there anything that he couldn?t find or find out about? He mentions that he wished that he could have found and interviewed Sarah Holcomb, who played the under aged Clorette DePasto in Animal House and played the pregnant Maggie O?Hooligan in Caddyshack. She it seems, was one of the few he had to put down in the ?where are they now?? column. Despite numerous attempts, he was unable to locate her and get her story. This hit me like a poke in the eye, as my oddball connection to those movies was the fact that I knew Sarah.

I first met Sarah in the early to mid 90?s. I was around 20/21 years old and had been spending a lot of time in Amherst MA where a friend had recently moved. One evening, after several rounds of drinks, we were all hanging out at his place and the topic of those movies is brought up by my friend, and soon a rousing, if not interesting, drunken discussion ensued about the movies. In the middle of the debate, my friend, out of the blue, stands up and states we need an expert on the topic, and promptly marches out of the apartment, returning a few moments later with a shit eating grin on his face and Sarah in tow. Blew everyone?s mind, totally leveled everyone to the point where we were all rolling on the floor. Turns out this poor woman, now lived in the next apartment over, and she had taken to hanging out over my friends. Strangely, she looks the same as she did in the movies, 10/15 years later, except her eyes, which were now crazy as they could get. You could tell right off that she wasn?t right, even if my friend wasn?t standing behind her making the crazy gesture, the eyes were a complete giveaway that this ones not on an even keel. So she goes into these stories about the films, horrible stuff. Granted, she had the right audience for these, we were all far from being angels, but the tales of debauchery she told were so far out of our league they would have made a Berlin Dom blush. To this day I believe that woman had some of the most extreme D/s experiences I?ve ever heard of, without limits, and she never once identified it with D/S, or submission. In truth she was so dosed to the eyeballs on psych meds I?m not sure she identified much, let alone identified with much. She lived her life now, living off a trust fund in a studio apartment in Amherst MA, oddly a very big college town. Her days were spent getting loaded on prescription and non prescription meds, balancing on that fine line between reality and the edge. I saw her many times after that, we?d show up at the apartment, and like clockwork, a minute after we got there, she was knocking on the door, loaded to the gills and looking for more. Eventually what was once a novelty became a nuisance, as it became a game of trying to get into the apartment without rousing Sarah, or pretending you weren?t there when she came knocking. Then one day she disappeared, just up and moved, which was at the time considered for the best for everyone involved. Just before I moved from MA, I was out in Northampton, MA and had one of those moments when you see someone from your past coming up the street towards you that you haven?t seen for a while and don?t want to deal with, so you pretend you don?t see them and walk past. It was Sarah, crazy eyed Sarah. She was finally looking old, and had developed a distinctive shuffle as she walked, not unlike the homeless shuffle I?ve seen on the streets. On her back a big bag that I had no doubt contained everything she owned in the world. I saw a glimmer of recognition, as if the idea that this was someone known, but I think her situation overwhelmed her, and she shuffled on, another wreck on the freeway of excess, another casualty of extremes.

Fight or Flight?

It?s suddenly dawned on me, that I don?t really have to be here anymore. I don?t really have any ties here anymore. With my life changing, the sudden realization that I don?t have to be here if I don?t want to has hit me like a Douglas Adams shovel to the face. This in itself isn?t a bad thing for most, but for me, well it?s dangerous. I?ve been a gypsy in my past, and when life turns on me, my past self hit the road. Keep moving, don?t stop, once u stop life catches up and gets ya. Part of my reasoning for coming back to New England was to put an end to that cycle, to stop moving, stop running. To get back on the grid and stop living like I?m going to have to be out the door in 15 minutes notice. Give life a chance to catch up, give myself a chance to live, to breathe, to be at peace. Well I?ve done that, and yet, it seems I haven?t, cause as the lady once said, ?here I am, at it again?, wanting to just get on the road and drive, but into what? Into something new, something different, something better? Or am I just running from the reality that now presents itself? And here comes the dilemma. Is it smart? Will it help? What will u gain for doing it? In the past, I wouldn?t care. I?d pack up the car as full as it would get, and go. Not thought of consequence, or discomfort. If your going to be alone, be totally alone. If you have to end a part of your life then end it, don?t suffer in it. Pack it up, move on and make it new, wonderful reasoning for someone who?s 25, not so much once u hit 35. Not sure if this is what some would qualify as a mid life crisis, perhaps it may be, or just me being childish. Maybe that?s all a mid life crisis boils down to, an old man acting like a child. Not wanting to deal with the realities of life and reacting as a child would toward them. Its funny catch 22, not wanting to be alone, and yet feeling most comfortable when you are. Wanting a place to feel right in, a place where you feel comfortable in, and never really finding, or letting myself find those things. So what does one do? Which part does one listen to, the head or the heart? I guess we?ll wait and see.

A Blog on my Blog

First off, I want to thank all the people who bother to read my rants and ravings where I post them. It surprises, and I admit flatters me how many people bother to take the time to read them, let alone bother to send comments and responses. Regardless of if u agree, disagree, or just need to make yourself feel better by dumping on me, I appreciate that you bother to read and/or respond. Whatever your reasons, the fact that you read them is enough to keep me writing them, even if they sting a bit or ring a bit too true to some. It?s just as satisfying to me to make some sting, as it is to make others smile.

That being said, I have to comment on some people out here, and their seeming inability to be able to deal with honesty. Yes, I know it?s shocking to come to the conclusion that there are some people online that aren?t being honest about themselves. I know, this is nothing new, and I?m sure everyone out here reading this blog has come across these people in one way, shape or form. What surprise?s me are the ones who can?t seem to handle when other people are being honest about themselves, or with themselves. People not being honest with their own self I can, if not understand, at least tolerate. Some people feel the need to create this alter ego, to make them feel better about who they are, to make themselves feel better about their actions, or to make themselves feel better about both. You do what you have to do if it helps u get thru the day. The ones that bother me are the ones who can?t deal with people when they are being honest with themselves, and about themselves. For some reason it rubs them the wrong way, as if by my being honest about myself, my life, my feelings, and my opinions, shines a light on the dark corners in them that they hide, from others, and from themselves.

I enjoy being open about myself, and my life. In my profiles, in my blog?s, or in chat, I like to believe I?m an open book. More so, I actively try to be open and honest about who and what I am and who and what I am not, with myself as well as others I meet. Some out here seem to fear honesty and when they see it, they need to stamp on it. I see it all the time with these ?doms? that need to stomp on a sub because they are open in their profiles about what they are, and aren?t looking for. So much so that many female submissive?s are afraid to put anything of or about themselves in their profile, for fear of being harassed to death. Well I?m not a sub, I don?t take orders, and especially don?t do as I?m told. Where one sees weakness in being open and honest, others see nothing but strength in it. So I leave it to you dear reader, to decide whom u are, and whom u want to be. If u need to be the hater, and need to bring down and destroy what you can not understand, let alone handle,  give it your best shot, those e-mails always make me chuckle, and who knows, you may find yourself a center piece in one of my future blogs. For those who get something from what I have to say, identify with some of what I?m saying, or just like to see me put some of these human dog?s noses in their own poo. Stay tuned.

God in a Doorknob?

So for the last couple of days I?ve been struggling to put my feelings/thoughts about what?s been going on in my life to words. I find myself doing a lot of writing and scratching things out, or typing and doing a lot of backspacing.  I?m slowly coming to the conclusion that sometimes, on some things, u can?t put words to sum them up until these things are over. Until time has past, and given us time to reflect on them. There are some times, and some points in your life, when so many different forces converge on you all at once,  that you can?t make any sense of it all until its over and done with. It?s too big, there?s too many different chords intertwining, choices that need be made, new directions to be walked, realities about family, and aging, and death to be dealt with, issues with loss, and loneliness to be suffered. When the proverbial shit hits the fan, it?s too much to be summed up in a quaint paragraph or two. Some emotions run far too deep to be described properly, they can only be experienced and felt for yourself, any other description pales in comparison, and doesn?t do justice to the experience.  And we would be fools to speak on them until we?ve endured them. Hunter Thompson once wrote that a drug person can see god in a doorknob. Tho I don?t think I believe in God in the same sense, I do sometimes feel that life talks to you. Define it as you like, god talking, spirits, fairies, energies, ghosts, your sub conscious self, or a bit of all of the above. I do see some kind of order to the chaos that?s come about in my life. I?m not sure who or what dictates the order, but whatever it is, it takes the idea of choice out of your hands, and u have to put your trust in fate to carry you thru. Accept that u have no choice but to step forward, to speak, to trust, to endure. And for one like myself, who trusts fate the least of all things in life, perhaps that?s the lesson I?m to learn. My big worry is, will the lesson I learn be to finally trust fate to see me thru, or to finally learn that fate is going to kick me in the nuts every time it gets the chance.

A shameless hack as i'm too blah to blog. So for your pleasure......The Cure.......in text


Yea I know who you remind me of, a girl I think I used to know,  I?d see her when the days got colder, on those days when it felt like snow, you know I even think that she?d stand like you, she used to just stand there and stare, a lonely reach right up to heaven, and make like I just wasn?t there, and she used to fall down a lot, that girl was always falling  again and again, and I used to sometimes try to catch her, but never even caught her name.

Sometimes we would spend the night, just rolling about on the floor, and I remember even tho it felt soft at the time, I always used to wake up sore, you know I even think that she smiled like you, she used to just stand there and smile, and her eyes would go all sorts of far away, and stay like that for quite a while, and I remember she used to fall down a lot, that girl was always falling again and again, and I used sometimes try to catch her, but never even caught her name, yes I sometimes even tried to catch her, but never even caught her name.

The Cure

Life in Waves

Life's gone all strange on me this year. Ever have those times when life gets all squirrelly, and its just one thing after another. Like when your caught by a big wave while surfing. the first one your struggling just to make it over the top, fighting to make it over the wave before it breaks, all the while knowing your just sliding back and getting eaten by it. then you go over, and under, and banged around, you spin, caught under water, caught under life, trying to find the surface for air. you finally break thru for your first gasp, and just as you get there you take another one on the head. and go thru the same thing over and over. lately life is getting like that for me. caught by a sneak set and not able to get free.

Life seems to run that way for me, I'm not sure if it works like that for others, but if found that when it gets all weird it comes in waves that i have to ride out. i know its because i like my change to be measured, by me, and timed, to my liking, so of course when change finally comes, it comes in massive, direct and unavoidable. its funny, i never fear the things i can control. the things i can affect myself. the things i do to myself. i can either live with or accept my fate with those. my fears always come from the outside. the things i have no control over, the change that gets dumped in my lap. maybe life needs to send me these curve balls, just to keep me on my toes. problem being, i never liked baseball. All i guess one can do is bide their time and wait to catch one of life's waves, and take it for a ride.

Brilliance

I went out to the beach yesterday. Which is probably one of the most lonely, desolate places one can go to in the winter, and yet at the same time one of the most beautiful, and peaceful places one can go to in the winter, if you can stand your mood, your thoughts, and the cold of course. So there I was, I had my camera set up, but wasn't really making any photos, I was more wrapped up in my thoughts, and my life. Inevitably, whenever I set up my camera, I draw a crowd. One hopes that in the dead of winter people?s curiosity would be checked, but no, that is not to be. Mind you. I don't mind the attention most days, but when you are wrapped in your thoughts, being jarred out of them can be an annoyance. This time I look down to see a little girl, probably 8 or 9 years old, asking me what I'm doing. Now normally i enjoy kids company, they are amusing, usually genuinely interested in what you are doing, and generally ask good questions. But random kids walking up and talking to me these days gives me a bit of a fright and out of a sense of self preservation i immediately start looking for parental guidance. So i find the mom, who's close and watching and make sure she knows I'm no pedo. All is well, and this little girl goes into a story, how she got her very own digital camera for Christmas. I ask her what her favorite thing to photograph is. She gives me the standard line, mom and dad, friends, pets, etc. Then she goes off on another story, how she lost her tooth, and how mom told her to put it under the pillow and the tooth fairy would come. Now i assume she'd been duped by this ploy before, and knew the drill, her dilemma was that mom said the tooth fairy knew she lost a tooth, but she had to put it under her pillow so the tooth fairy could find it. She could not reconcile the fact that the tooth fairy knew she lost a tooth, but didn't know where the tooth was. So she concocted an experiment, where, she hid the tooth in a different place, figuring, logically in my opinion, that the tooth fairy should know where the tooth is. Then she hid her camera under the covers with her and waited for the tooth fairy to come. Her plan? To take a picture of the tooth fairy, so she could prove her mom she was right. But alas, that plan went out the window when the only photo she got was her mom saying goodnight, though she was still perplexed as she got the money under the pillow, but the tooth fairy never found her tooth. With that she turns and tromps along on her walk, as mom turns to leave, she looks at me with this semi exasperated look, and says, "Have you heard of such a thing? What child hides her tooth from the tooth fairy? Did you ever do something like that when you were that age?" My response, " No. I never did, but I wish I had.? ?Why on earth would u wish u had?? she asks. My answer, ?Because I think it?s brilliant." And this is my life, reflective moments in my head, frenzied moments of chaos in my heart, lonely moments in my soul, and then some 8 yo street prophet comes along and shows me some true beauty, a moment of zen that jars me back to reality with a smile.

     I was recently reading an article on a study being done that attempts to track and measure the dramatic increase in narcissism among Americans today. Their description of a modern day narcissist struck a chord harder than if Hendrix had played it himself. It read," The study suggests that these narcissists are more likely to have romantic relationships that are one sided and short lived, they tend to be a high risk for infidelity, lack emotional warmth toward most who are close to them, display game playing tendencies, dishonesty, and exhibit over controlling and violent behaviors. They tend to lack empathy, react aggressively to criticism, and perfer self promoting their situations as opposed to helping others."

My god. how true is that description? How well does that hold true to people we know? How many of us have had to deal with these people? How many of us continue to do so today? These are the self-obsessed people who create havoc in others, then complain that people carry around too much baggage. These are the self involved ones that we have to hear blather on and on about how in love they are, and how perfect their relationships are, and how much of a cut above they are amongst those they deem beneath them.

My question to these people is this; how many times does one have to say something before it becomes truth? one time? thirty? Does saying it thirty times make it more real than saying it once, accepting it as fact, and being happy with it? The question then becomes not how many times does one have to say something to make it real, but how many times does one have to say something for they themselves to believe it real?

I know people who consider themselves happy, and happy in their relationship. I myself, believe it or not, have actually considered myself happy in several relationships. What i know from that, and what I've seen, is that those who are truly happy, don't need to profess it any more than once. They know it and that's enough. So do these people repeat themselves out of pride in what they have and have created? Or is it a mantra they repeat to themselves over and over, willing the words to be real? Do they need to say it publicly as a grand gesture of love for what they have? Or is it a passive aggressive attempt to make themselves feel better about the wreck they are, by making others envious of what they think you have? Narcissistic bullying to bring others down so they can bring themselves up? is it real? or just overblown self promotion to keep one from seeing the person behind the mask they have made for themselves?

What's in a kiss? its a strange thing to ask oneself, as there is no solid answer. Like
most things in this life, its a matter of perspective. so u can't answer it for anyone beyond yourself, and what it means to you. once you have that, u can judge others by that benchmark to see if they hold to the standard.

i date on line lately, there's a lot of reasons for that, i work alot, at strange hours, in a
fairly straight, professional atmosphere. I'm fairly new to my area, and while i like it,
its difficult to connect with like minds beyond on line. And as I'm not much of a joiner,
trolling around D/S munches just isn't my style. I use chat first, to see if the most
important thing to me, my partners mind, is up to my standard, and what i know i need from
a partner. this doesn't mean u have to be an Einstein, just means u have to be able to keep
up and keep me interested. some can do that, some can't. and its far easier, and less
uncomfortable to do that on line. u work out the interests, and the fantasies, and the
expectations and limitations. and doing that, don't waste time that u don't have going on
bad dates.

when i decide i want to meet someone. its not to find out who they are. i already have that worked out thru chat. I'm going to see if there's anything there beyond chat. if what they have said to me, measures up to reality of who they are. do they walk the walk they
talk, or just talk, and talk, and talk. some out here are far better at the talk. and one can
only judge that face to face thru action. does this one back up their words, or not. Not just
what they say, just as much of this is physical. photos can sometimes not do someone justice, and other times do some people too much justice. ultimately, photos aren't reality, and u never know if your attracted to someone until u meet them. I'm strange in that i know if someone is
ight for me or not, and at what level, within the first 10 seconds of meeting them. some people see this as odd. But its me, taking all I've learned of them, combining that with what i see in front of me, what it stirs in me, and then gaging that on what u do, and how u react to me. All in those first 10 seconds. chemistry is chemistry. that electricity, that magnetism is there. and u can see it, or not see it. in those first 10 seconds.

So where does the kiss come in? its the confirmation of everything. Its the ultimate moment when u face all these things and see if they are for real, and there, or not. u should see worlds in a kiss, or not. both are just as telling. and just as important to know. a kiss for me is a test of the future. a kiss confirms, it shows all, a person won't fake a first kiss. they may use it defensively, to keep someone at bay. but that conveys too. so what is a kiss to me? everything, and nothing, the world, or the trash. Its passion, or its a dead fish. and its the last test. for one to pass, or fail, with me.

There are people I know won't hurt me, I call them corpses.
Randy Milholland - Something Positive Comic

At times i wonder whats more prevelant in our world, people who are lying to other people, or people who are lying to themselves.

Here's just some post fair thoughts; Some people out here in the New England Community REALLY need to learn how to dress themselves. whats right for their bodies, and whats wrong................ No means No. that as far as i know, is the standard, and accepted rule of public life. in Swinging, and in D/S. i know some internet types out here live in a fantacy world they've created. but in the real world where i live. No means no, from a domme or a sub. U don't adhere to that. expect a foot up your butt, or a heel up your nose. or in some cases, both...............wonders where all the super cute,ultra active,20 something sub hotties were that fill the collarme bi/lesbian side for the new england area? i know i recognized many faces from all the other collarme interests. male/female domnant and submissive. but not a one of the cute faces that grace that web page. must be a statistical oddity i guess.

a lost battalion of platonic conversationalists jumping down the stoops off fire escapes off windowsills off Empire State out of the moon,

yacketayakking screaming vomiting whispering facts and memories and anecdotes and eyeball kicks and shocks of hospitals and jails and wars,

whole intellects disgorged in total recall for seven days and nights with brilliant eyes, meat for the Synagogue cast on the pavement, 

Howl

i finally now know what the poison is that covers the frogs skin. its pure selfishness.

"Manalo, you knew it would be like this", HST - Curse of Lono

ok, heres the deal. don't tell me u do something if u don't. especially something i have experience in. thats just not a smart move. and we aren't talking sex now, this is just life stuff. don't tell me your a professional photographer. if u don't know what an f-stop is. don't tell me you've been skateboarding all your life, then tell me your best trick is a triple backflip on a halfpipe. i'm not that stupid, or gullable. and just shows your fakeness. if i say it, i do it, and i know it. test me on it if u like. but don't lie to me.

This is my life. To sit with the one thing i want in this world, the only thing i've ever really wanted in this world. to have it shown to me, to see it every day, and to have it denied me. not only denied, but to watch it slip away, unable to do anything to stop it. this is my life. This is my direct petition to whomever is running this show called life.  Give me a break, just one time.

short quote of a question i was recently asked here "So who did you train under and what classes have u taken?"

HUH?????????????????????????????????????

I mean i do understand, that theres some out here who have that need to belong to some sense of D/S community, to be accepted by these people as a peer. but i'm not one of them. You lead, you follow or u do your own thing. these are the routes we have in life. and what u do, and how u do it, tells much about the person u are.  I do my own thing. i seek my own way, thats just me. for me to go to someones class on flogging, just isn't gonna happen. i'd never give that person the satisfaction of attending their class. and frankly anyone who feels that they are so good that then need to teach a class on it. has WAY too big a head for me. So hope that answers the question.

Cold Air filter - $130.00, Ford Racing pulley set - $150, new headers - $300, new chip - $1200, Dusting a Mustang GT with a 6 Cylinder Mustang - priceless.

I've been getting a lot of chat requests lately that don't seem to be connecting. I'm not sure if its the hip new collarme way of messing with someone, or if theres a problem somewhere along the line. So if you send me a request that doesn't go thru, check your e-mail.

Theres some i've chatted with that seem to have some squewed ideas about trust. Trust, to me, is built thru actions, not talk. talk is etherial, not nessisarily substantial. talk, boiled down to its basics, is sound vibrations and hot air. Talk brings familiararity, it gives scope, and depth, but proves nothing. its not our chat that builds trust, its our actions that ultimately build, or break trust. submissive or dominant, its our actions that tell a person who we are, and what we're about. our actions reverberate, they define us. for good or ill.

For those others out here who like myself have interest in the history of D/S and have e-mailed me with ideas on the origin of my collarme ID. No ones got it yet but i'll give you a hint. Go beyond Passolini. Follow the route, trace it back. Passolini tried, but by no means was the creator, just an interpreter.

" So long, and thanks for all the fish." Douglas Adams - Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy

I sit here this morning, openly pondering one of the many mysteries of online communication. My mystery de joir; why it is easier to meet so many others online, ever so willing to relocate from Timbuktu, to you, yet u can't get the girl living the next town over to say hi.

And you'll also find me notorious for typo's. so those who read typo step to the front of the line.